1 00:00:00,872 --> 00:00:03,006 Hey, hey, hey. Here, scoot down, scoot down. 2 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,409 - Nick, what are you doing? - What are you doing? 3 00:00:05,443 --> 00:00:07,110 Sorry, just scoot down, I need to iron this shirt 4 00:00:07,145 --> 00:00:08,945 that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter. 5 00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:11,081 It's either this or the turtleneck 6 00:00:11,115 --> 00:00:12,282 my mother bought me in 2009. 7 00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,784 They're my only clean shirts. 8 00:00:13,818 --> 00:00:15,452 The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that. 9 00:00:15,486 --> 00:00:17,020 Okay, look, we need this whole table 10 00:00:17,055 --> 00:00:19,556 for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along. 11 00:00:19,590 --> 00:00:21,558 Nadia, isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, 12 00:00:21,592 --> 00:00:22,559 Schmidt's, uh... 13 00:00:22,593 --> 00:00:23,560 Will to live? 14 00:00:23,594 --> 00:00:25,228 After she broke my penis? 15 00:00:26,798 --> 00:00:28,565 Who saw her and thought, 16 00:00:28,599 --> 00:00:31,234 "That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"? 17 00:00:31,269 --> 00:00:34,304 - She's not sure. - Yeah, she calls it her little "sex party miracle." 18 00:00:34,738 --> 00:00:36,439 Do you have to iron here? 19 00:00:36,474 --> 00:00:37,974 It's the only flat surface! 20 00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:39,709 Besides Winston's desk... but he's using it 21 00:00:39,744 --> 00:00:41,644 to study for his police academy test, 22 00:00:41,679 --> 00:00:43,546 and he is "not to be disturbed." 23 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:53,356 Not enough, not enough. 24 00:00:53,390 --> 00:00:55,391 There's an ironing board in the bathroom. 25 00:00:55,426 --> 00:00:58,495 I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals 26 00:00:58,529 --> 00:01:00,130 to keep Schmidt from peeking. 27 00:01:00,164 --> 00:01:04,033 - But fine, I'll use that! - Coach! Coach! 28 00:01:04,068 --> 00:01:07,203 My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone. 29 00:01:07,238 --> 00:01:08,471 DVR is chockablock filled with 30 00:01:08,506 --> 00:01:10,640 American football matches, which, 31 00:01:10,674 --> 00:01:12,108 by the way, is a garbage... Oh! 32 00:01:13,878 --> 00:01:15,478 We cool? 33 00:01:15,513 --> 00:01:17,714 - Yeah, we cool. - Cool. 34 00:01:17,748 --> 00:01:18,982 What the hell just happened? 35 00:01:19,016 --> 00:01:20,350 - Fight. - Yeah. Now it's over. 36 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:21,885 I barely even remember it. 37 00:01:21,919 --> 00:01:24,154 I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. 38 00:01:24,188 --> 00:01:26,823 I'm starting to think that neither one of you read 39 00:01:26,857 --> 00:01:29,325 the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas. 40 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,694 I'm so glad we don't fight. 41 00:01:31,729 --> 00:01:33,663 - I know. - Oh, please. Women fight. 42 00:01:33,697 --> 00:01:35,698 - Well, we occasionally get into a little thing. - Yeah, 43 00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:37,834 I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse... 44 00:01:37,868 --> 00:01:39,836 - but that was, like, barely even a thing. - Yeah, 45 00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:42,272 that was nothing... I mean, there's no point in even talking about it. 46 00:01:44,075 --> 00:01:45,875 Oh. No, you should have that. 47 00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:47,877 - No, you should have it. - No, you take it. 48 00:01:47,912 --> 00:01:49,179 - No, you take it. - No, you take it. 49 00:01:49,213 --> 00:01:51,114 - I want you to take it. - No. Take it. 50 00:01:51,148 --> 00:01:52,582 Look, I want you to have it 51 00:01:52,616 --> 00:01:54,017 'cause it would look good on you. 52 00:01:54,051 --> 00:01:55,552 - No, it's made for you. You... - No. 53 00:01:57,221 --> 00:01:59,856 But then we both decided that it was better 54 00:01:59,890 --> 00:02:01,591 if neither one of us bought it. 55 00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:03,393 - Yep. - The neon yellow purse? 56 00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:04,961 - With the strap? - Yeah, I've seen that. 57 00:02:04,995 --> 00:02:06,129 It's in your closet. 58 00:02:07,231 --> 00:02:08,398 I wonder how many rubber duckies 59 00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:10,533 needed to die to make that thing. 60 00:02:10,568 --> 00:02:11,901 Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about. 61 00:02:11,936 --> 00:02:13,603 I got to run. 62 00:02:15,206 --> 00:02:17,040 - What? - Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower. 63 00:02:17,074 --> 00:02:18,975 - You know, you are just the best. - No, you're the best. 64 00:02:19,010 --> 00:02:21,111 - Whoa. - Did I tell you I love your top, by the way? 65 00:02:21,145 --> 00:02:23,246 - No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet. - What's... what's happening? 66 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,714 You said too much. 67 00:02:24,749 --> 00:02:26,282 - So, I'll call you later? - Definitely. 68 00:02:26,317 --> 00:02:28,251 - Okay. Bye! - Bye! 69 00:02:33,657 --> 00:02:35,925 Oh, my God! 70 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,395 What just happened? 71 00:02:38,429 --> 00:02:40,764 That's a girl fight. 72 00:02:48,212 --> 00:02:49,412 Schmidt, stay out of it, man. 73 00:02:49,447 --> 00:02:50,547 Girl fights are dangerous, okay? 74 00:02:50,581 --> 00:02:51,781 I grew up with three sisters, 75 00:02:51,816 --> 00:02:54,050 and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old. 76 00:02:54,085 --> 00:02:55,418 What's wrong? 77 00:02:55,453 --> 00:02:59,623 They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me on purpose. 78 00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:02,292 There. Now you match. 79 00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:11,935 Well, congratulations on having sisters, 80 00:03:11,969 --> 00:03:13,937 but I know women. You blindfold me, 81 00:03:13,971 --> 00:03:16,139 spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, 82 00:03:16,173 --> 00:03:17,807 and I'll still find the G-spot. 83 00:03:17,842 --> 00:03:19,476 - Schmidt... - Let us not forget that I had boobs 84 00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:21,411 for the first 19 years of my life. 85 00:03:21,445 --> 00:03:23,380 I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. 86 00:03:23,414 --> 00:03:25,448 You can't buy that kind of access. 87 00:03:25,483 --> 00:03:27,284 Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women. 88 00:03:27,318 --> 00:03:29,052 - You don't want to get in the middle of that. - Coach... 89 00:03:29,086 --> 00:03:30,754 Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet 90 00:03:30,788 --> 00:03:32,622 when it was rainy and I was bored 91 00:03:32,657 --> 00:03:34,491 and I was feeling snoopy. 92 00:03:34,525 --> 00:03:35,759 - No, no, no... - See? 93 00:03:35,793 --> 00:03:37,227 Look... the purse. 94 00:03:37,261 --> 00:03:39,462 In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is." 95 00:03:39,497 --> 00:03:42,332 Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 96 00:03:42,366 --> 00:03:43,900 'cause I love it. 97 00:03:43,935 --> 00:03:46,803 I love purses. 98 00:03:46,837 --> 00:03:48,905 And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. 99 00:03:48,940 --> 00:03:50,840 I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. 100 00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:53,510 Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? 101 00:03:53,544 --> 00:03:55,512 In a purse, that's where. 102 00:03:55,546 --> 00:03:57,647 Lena Dunham. 103 00:03:57,682 --> 00:03:59,783 I don't know. I... 104 00:03:59,817 --> 00:04:01,985 Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize. 105 00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:04,254 Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. 106 00:04:04,288 --> 00:04:07,591 Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. 107 00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:08,925 We never confront anything. 108 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,528 That's the way it works with us. It always has. 109 00:04:11,562 --> 00:04:12,862 Hi. 110 00:04:12,897 --> 00:04:14,297 Hi. 111 00:04:18,302 --> 00:04:20,604 And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. 112 00:04:20,638 --> 00:04:22,339 And if I bring up the purse, 113 00:04:22,373 --> 00:04:23,974 then everything else comes up with it. 114 00:04:24,008 --> 00:04:25,275 Too many things have happened. 115 00:04:25,309 --> 00:04:27,377 Women have amazing memories. 116 00:04:27,411 --> 00:04:29,179 Because we used to be the gatherers, 117 00:04:29,213 --> 00:04:30,614 and so we had to remember 118 00:04:30,648 --> 00:04:32,782 where all the best berries were hidden. 119 00:04:32,817 --> 00:04:34,050 And Cece and I, 120 00:04:34,085 --> 00:04:38,521 we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains. 121 00:04:38,556 --> 00:04:39,990 Colorado, Kansas, 122 00:04:40,024 --> 00:04:41,291 Montana, 123 00:04:41,325 --> 00:04:43,627 Nebraska... need I say more? 124 00:04:43,661 --> 00:04:44,661 Coach gets it. 125 00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:46,363 See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 126 00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:48,365 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. 127 00:04:48,399 --> 00:04:49,399 We're not gonna talk for three days, 128 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,467 and then I'll surprise her 129 00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,235 with a latte. And then we'll act 130 00:04:52,270 --> 00:04:53,837 - like nothing happened. - Three days without Cece? 131 00:04:53,871 --> 00:04:55,372 Do I have to spend three days without Cece? 132 00:04:55,406 --> 00:04:57,307 Yes. I don't trust you around her. 133 00:04:57,341 --> 00:04:59,309 She makes you weak and penis-dumb. 134 00:04:59,343 --> 00:05:01,311 Three days without Cece? Why don't you just 135 00:05:01,345 --> 00:05:04,247 replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic? 136 00:05:04,282 --> 00:05:06,483 - Stay out of it, man. - Stay the hell out of it, bro. 137 00:05:06,517 --> 00:05:08,485 Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her? 138 00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:10,253 - Stay out of it. - I'm confused. 139 00:05:10,288 --> 00:05:12,222 Now, should I... are you asking me 140 00:05:12,256 --> 00:05:15,992 to spend more time with her or stay out of it? 141 00:05:16,027 --> 00:05:18,028 Like, for real? 142 00:05:25,736 --> 00:05:28,071 I hate this. I hate first dates. 143 00:05:28,105 --> 00:05:29,206 Me, too. I hate all... 144 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,473 I hate the second ones and the third ones 145 00:05:30,508 --> 00:05:31,608 - and the fourth ones. - Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. 146 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,343 I hate dates. 147 00:05:33,377 --> 00:05:34,477 - Yeah. - The first ones are the worst. 148 00:05:34,512 --> 00:05:35,979 Yeah. 149 00:05:36,013 --> 00:05:37,614 - This is terrible. - They're terrible. They're awkward. 150 00:05:37,648 --> 00:05:39,649 - I feel like I'm being weird. - You're not being weird. 151 00:05:39,684 --> 00:05:40,750 - Yeah, I am. - I'm the weirdo. 152 00:05:40,785 --> 00:05:43,119 I wanted to do this all night. 153 00:05:44,455 --> 00:05:46,923 That is so stupid. 154 00:05:46,958 --> 00:05:50,727 - I hated that I did it. - I feel like I'm being weird, too. 155 00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:52,729 - How? - I don't know how. Just... 156 00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:55,799 - Well, now you are. - These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder. 157 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,467 Now... when you do that, it's very weird. 158 00:05:57,501 --> 00:05:58,802 But before, it wasn't. 159 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:00,403 Just don't do sweater shoulder. 160 00:06:00,438 --> 00:06:02,606 Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going. 161 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,375 - Oh, I will. - Don't. It'll be so embarrassing. 162 00:06:05,409 --> 00:06:07,410 - Yeah. - He's probably my best friend. 163 00:06:07,445 --> 00:06:09,079 - Really? - Yes. 164 00:06:09,113 --> 00:06:10,714 You're not his best friend. 165 00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,918 That's a terrible thing to say. 166 00:06:14,952 --> 00:06:16,486 It's true. 167 00:06:16,521 --> 00:06:19,322 - This is going great. - Oh, God, I hate this. 168 00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:22,926 I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot. 169 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,094 That's hot to me. 170 00:06:24,128 --> 00:06:25,328 You add some sweatpants 171 00:06:25,363 --> 00:06:26,963 to that, and that is better than porn. 172 00:06:26,998 --> 00:06:28,932 I love porn. 173 00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:33,069 But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, 174 00:06:33,104 --> 00:06:35,438 "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit." 175 00:06:35,473 --> 00:06:38,108 "Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's." 176 00:06:38,142 --> 00:06:39,976 Something like that. 177 00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,478 Cheers. 178 00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,512 Yeah. 179 00:06:43,514 --> 00:06:45,015 That was a weird cheers! 180 00:06:45,049 --> 00:06:46,583 Can we go?! 181 00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:49,486 Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks! 182 00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:54,424 So cute. 183 00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:56,459 Yeah, it's like they're made for each other. 184 00:07:01,032 --> 00:07:03,333 - They haven't moved in three days. - Very weird. 185 00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:05,101 Alarming, even. 186 00:07:05,136 --> 00:07:07,304 Wait, doesn't she work or... ? 187 00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:08,805 Shouldn't you be studying? 188 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:09,940 Or live somewhere? 189 00:07:09,974 --> 00:07:11,374 Shouldn't you be studying? 190 00:07:11,409 --> 00:07:13,844 - Or have worried loved ones? - Studying? 191 00:07:13,878 --> 00:07:15,545 Coach, this is gonna take some serious 192 00:07:15,580 --> 00:07:17,447 investigative police skills. 193 00:07:17,482 --> 00:07:19,850 But I'm on to her. 194 00:07:19,884 --> 00:07:21,718 I didn't know girls could be so slovenly. 195 00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:22,986 I did. I have sisters. 196 00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:24,020 Oh, my God, we know. 197 00:07:25,156 --> 00:07:26,490 We cool? 198 00:07:26,524 --> 00:07:28,191 We cool. 199 00:07:30,862 --> 00:07:33,163 Oh. Just who I was looking for. 200 00:07:33,197 --> 00:07:35,465 - Hey. - How would you like a piping hot latte? 201 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,467 Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um... 202 00:07:37,502 --> 00:07:39,503 I can buy my own. 203 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,580 What did you do? 204 00:07:52,917 --> 00:07:54,951 Is this about the socks? 205 00:07:56,978 --> 00:07:58,378 You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened? 206 00:07:58,413 --> 00:07:59,680 Well, I had to see her. 207 00:07:59,714 --> 00:08:01,782 I can't go three days without seeing Cece. 208 00:08:01,816 --> 00:08:03,984 And it went just like you said it would. 209 00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:06,987 I'm gonna go get the purse. 210 00:08:07,021 --> 00:08:08,355 She played me like John Popper plays that 211 00:08:08,389 --> 00:08:09,690 little harmonica and fiddle thing. 212 00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:11,358 Ugh. She's like a robot scientist. 213 00:08:11,392 --> 00:08:13,560 And you're like a damn robot. 214 00:08:13,595 --> 00:08:16,363 And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me. 215 00:08:16,398 --> 00:08:18,966 Jess, I'm sorry. So... what... what happens now? 216 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,901 You bring her another coffee and you guys make up? 217 00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,703 I don't know what happens now. 218 00:08:22,737 --> 00:08:25,305 We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. 219 00:08:25,340 --> 00:08:26,540 We're entering the abyss. 220 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:27,908 It's like the month I decided 221 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:30,511 not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. 222 00:08:30,545 --> 00:08:34,515 I had no support. Literally no support. 223 00:08:36,251 --> 00:08:38,819 Cece just texted me 224 00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,587 - a smiley face. - Is that bad? 225 00:08:40,622 --> 00:08:43,657 No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. 226 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:46,360 I'm gonna text her... ... a yellow heart. 227 00:08:46,394 --> 00:08:49,763 No, uh, yellow heart, whale, 228 00:08:49,798 --> 00:08:51,765 thumbs up. 229 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,571 Well, that seems nice. 230 00:08:52,572 --> 00:08:55,269 How dare she? Chinese man, 231 00:08:55,303 --> 00:08:57,071 ballerina, apartment building? 232 00:08:57,105 --> 00:09:00,074 - What does that mean? - Fine. Poop. Turban guy. Granny. 233 00:09:00,108 --> 00:09:00,984 Don't text her poop. 234 00:09:00,985 --> 00:09:04,678 Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. 235 00:09:04,713 --> 00:09:06,246 Slice of cake. Turtle. 236 00:09:06,281 --> 00:09:07,414 Don't sen... 237 00:09:07,449 --> 00:09:09,450 Double syringe? 238 00:09:14,055 --> 00:09:15,522 Double syringe. 239 00:09:15,557 --> 00:09:16,757 You're right, Schmidt. 240 00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:19,760 Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. 241 00:09:19,794 --> 00:09:23,197 The gatherers have become the hunters. 242 00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:25,065 Be well. 243 00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:28,102 Wh... where are you... where are going? 244 00:09:28,136 --> 00:09:30,204 L... leave those berries be. 245 00:09:30,238 --> 00:09:32,039 - Republican or Democrat? - West Wing. 246 00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:33,540 What's your favorite thing about America? 247 00:09:33,575 --> 00:09:35,709 - Kentucky women. - Favorite part of The Rock? 248 00:09:35,744 --> 00:09:38,078 - "Welcome to the Rock." - Gorilla or monkey? 249 00:09:38,113 --> 00:09:40,381 - Gorilla, hands down. - Miranda or Carrie? 250 00:09:40,415 --> 00:09:42,316 - Gorilla. - That's 100% perfect. 251 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:43,784 - Unb... unbelievable. - Thank you. 252 00:09:43,818 --> 00:09:45,653 The battery in the remote control is 253 00:09:45,687 --> 00:09:47,654 getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one 254 00:09:47,689 --> 00:09:48,889 out of the smoke detector. 255 00:09:48,923 --> 00:09:50,824 That's exactly where I get them. 256 00:09:51,059 --> 00:09:53,260 Isn't she perfect? 257 00:09:53,294 --> 00:09:55,229 No. 258 00:09:55,263 --> 00:09:57,164 Nick, you might want to sit down for this. 259 00:09:57,198 --> 00:09:58,298 - I'm already sitting. - Okay. 260 00:09:58,333 --> 00:09:59,500 Well, look... 261 00:09:59,534 --> 00:10:01,168 I put together a profile. 262 00:10:01,202 --> 00:10:02,336 Vague about where she lives. 263 00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,238 - Okay. - No mention of a job. 264 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:05,939 Always lets you pay. 265 00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:08,342 Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds... 266 00:10:08,376 --> 00:10:10,177 ... you're her sugar daddy. 267 00:10:10,211 --> 00:10:13,480 What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy? 268 00:10:13,515 --> 00:10:16,350 a homeless woman. 269 00:10:16,384 --> 00:10:18,252 - Kai is not homeless. - Nick, 270 00:10:18,286 --> 00:10:21,088 I have been watching her for days now, okay? 271 00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:22,956 She... she eats like she doesn't know 272 00:10:22,991 --> 00:10:24,491 where her next meal is coming from. 273 00:10:24,526 --> 00:10:26,860 She always dresses in layers, tons of layers. 274 00:10:26,895 --> 00:10:29,596 She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran. 275 00:10:29,631 --> 00:10:31,632 - And where does he hang out? - A park bench. 276 00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:33,667 I think you're having a nervous breakdown. 277 00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:35,636 I really do. 278 00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:38,205 You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much 279 00:10:38,239 --> 00:10:41,608 that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. 280 00:10:41,643 --> 00:10:43,143 Just leave us alone. 281 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,814 Maybe you should... maybe you should give her 282 00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:49,116 our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, 283 00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:50,884 but they can't open them cans. 284 00:10:50,919 --> 00:10:52,486 How are they gonna open the cans, Nick? 285 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,821 Hey... 286 00:10:53,855 --> 00:10:56,190 What are you... 287 00:10:56,224 --> 00:10:57,958 Do you want a blanket? 288 00:10:57,993 --> 00:11:01,462 I must have fallen asleep reading. 289 00:11:01,496 --> 00:11:03,897 - Nap with me. - Okay. 290 00:11:03,932 --> 00:11:05,432 Come on. 291 00:11:09,771 --> 00:11:12,506 Just... gonna get some of these newspapers. 292 00:11:23,685 --> 00:11:27,021 - It's actually kind of nice. - See? 293 00:11:27,055 --> 00:11:29,757 More pink lemonade? 294 00:11:29,791 --> 00:11:32,159 I'm going to name baby... 295 00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:35,663 Baby, because it's funny. 296 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:42,102 Where is top of baby cage? 297 00:11:43,638 --> 00:11:45,572 Double syringe? 298 00:11:45,607 --> 00:11:48,108 Hey, you. How's pee-pee? 299 00:11:48,143 --> 00:11:49,343 Oh, hello, Nadia. 300 00:11:49,377 --> 00:11:51,378 Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece 301 00:11:51,413 --> 00:11:53,347 are in a thing, and it is terrifying. 302 00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:55,883 I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me 303 00:11:55,917 --> 00:11:57,785 put down the stuff I've been working on. 304 00:11:59,321 --> 00:12:00,788 Coach, 305 00:12:00,822 --> 00:12:02,723 I am at the baby shower. 306 00:12:02,757 --> 00:12:04,191 You're at the... what? 307 00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:05,593 Are you dumb? You're dumb. 308 00:12:05,627 --> 00:12:07,361 You're very dumb. Get out of there. 309 00:12:07,395 --> 00:12:09,096 I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. 310 00:12:09,130 --> 00:12:11,165 I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. 311 00:12:11,199 --> 00:12:12,433 Obviously, it was a mistake. 312 00:12:12,467 --> 00:12:13,667 Oh, God, look at them. 313 00:12:13,702 --> 00:12:14,902 They're like silent, angry 314 00:12:14,936 --> 00:12:17,571 statues right now... it's terrifying and als... 315 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,006 Maybe a little erotic. 316 00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:21,575 Okay, fine, it's very erotic. 317 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,143 You know what? Coach, I'm telling you... 318 00:12:23,178 --> 00:12:24,812 I'm finding out that fear 319 00:12:24,846 --> 00:12:27,147 plays a big part in my sexuality. 320 00:12:27,182 --> 00:12:28,882 Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people 321 00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:30,384 start confronting each other? 322 00:12:30,418 --> 00:12:32,286 - I don't know. What happens? - Anything! 323 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,388 Anything can happen. That's what I'm telling you. 324 00:12:34,422 --> 00:12:36,123 Are you ready for anything to happen? 325 00:12:36,157 --> 00:12:37,958 Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you. 326 00:12:37,993 --> 00:12:41,128 Did you wash your hair? It looks really clean. 327 00:12:43,765 --> 00:12:45,099 I can help you end this. 328 00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:46,467 Do you know why? 329 00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:49,003 Do you know why? I'm waiting. 330 00:12:49,037 --> 00:12:51,338 - Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters? - It's because 331 00:12:51,373 --> 00:12:53,807 I have sisters! And you know what that means? 332 00:12:53,842 --> 00:12:55,276 And that you know more about women than me. 333 00:12:55,310 --> 00:12:56,777 I know more about women than you. 334 00:12:56,811 --> 00:12:57,778 And that I'm a little dum-dum. 335 00:12:57,812 --> 00:12:59,780 And I'm a big smart-smart. 336 00:12:59,814 --> 00:13:01,949 Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. 337 00:13:01,983 --> 00:13:03,417 Get big like a bear. 338 00:13:03,451 --> 00:13:05,152 If that doesn't work, pee a circle 339 00:13:05,186 --> 00:13:07,121 around yourself and light it on fire. 340 00:13:07,155 --> 00:13:08,989 I peed before I came... I had a root beer with lunch. 341 00:13:09,024 --> 00:13:11,258 I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 342 00:13:11,293 --> 00:13:12,860 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. 343 00:13:12,894 --> 00:13:14,461 You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift? 344 00:13:14,496 --> 00:13:16,130 - Just get over here. - All right, I'm coming. 345 00:13:16,164 --> 00:13:18,766 What? Coach. 346 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,834 Coach, I can't turn the pages. 347 00:13:20,869 --> 00:13:23,304 How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages? 348 00:13:23,338 --> 00:13:25,039 Coach! 349 00:13:26,575 --> 00:13:28,309 Hey. 350 00:13:28,344 --> 00:13:30,345 Great catch. 351 00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:32,280 Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? 352 00:13:32,314 --> 00:13:33,781 Wherever it is. 353 00:13:33,816 --> 00:13:36,050 So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. 354 00:13:36,085 --> 00:13:38,353 I know I'm living this rock star life, 355 00:13:38,387 --> 00:13:41,322 but I'm still a man of the people. 356 00:13:41,357 --> 00:13:43,858 But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, 357 00:13:43,892 --> 00:13:46,527 get off this bed into the cold right now? 358 00:13:46,562 --> 00:13:48,496 Look, I like you for you, and... 359 00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:50,198 Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, 360 00:13:50,232 --> 00:13:51,699 you like me for me and not 361 00:13:51,734 --> 00:13:53,868 all the incredible stuff that I have. 362 00:13:55,237 --> 00:13:56,704 - Huh? - I mean, this room... 363 00:13:56,739 --> 00:13:58,373 half this stuff is mine. 364 00:13:58,407 --> 00:14:00,541 I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases 365 00:14:00,576 --> 00:14:03,511 for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase 366 00:14:03,545 --> 00:14:05,179 that I don't even use. 367 00:14:05,214 --> 00:14:07,415 Ticket stubs to all the Bears games 368 00:14:07,449 --> 00:14:09,017 I've ever been to, except for one. 369 00:14:09,051 --> 00:14:10,818 The guitar pic from 370 00:14:10,853 --> 00:14:13,488 that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. 371 00:14:13,522 --> 00:14:15,423 A Frisbee that I'm currently 372 00:14:15,457 --> 00:14:17,392 storing on my neighbor's roof. 373 00:14:17,426 --> 00:14:18,993 You know, an autographed 374 00:14:19,028 --> 00:14:21,896 Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi. 375 00:14:21,931 --> 00:14:23,932 - R.I.P. - Hmm. 376 00:14:23,966 --> 00:14:25,767 But none of that matters. 377 00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:28,536 I want to be with you wherever you live. 378 00:14:28,570 --> 00:14:30,204 I mean, hell, I've been cooped up 379 00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:31,739 in this palace for long enough. 380 00:14:31,774 --> 00:14:35,076 Wow. Well, if it's that important. 381 00:14:37,446 --> 00:14:39,747 All right. Don't be nervous. 382 00:14:41,617 --> 00:14:44,252 You know what? I'm gonna bring some extra blankets. 383 00:14:44,286 --> 00:14:45,787 Okay. 384 00:14:45,821 --> 00:14:47,956 Okay, just in case it's freezing, 'cause it's outs... 385 00:14:47,990 --> 00:14:49,691 Okay. 386 00:14:49,725 --> 00:14:51,192 And then, 387 00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:53,795 you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period! 388 00:14:53,829 --> 00:14:56,731 He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool! 389 00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,967 Okay, I was defending you! 390 00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:00,702 I have arrived! 391 00:15:00,736 --> 00:15:02,036 Ah, Mr. Stripper. 392 00:15:02,071 --> 00:15:03,204 Okay, so what's next, Jess? 393 00:15:03,239 --> 00:15:04,906 20 years of fights are happening right now. 394 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,608 They're getting into everything. 395 00:15:06,642 --> 00:15:08,610 How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car 396 00:15:08,644 --> 00:15:10,445 - on senior ditch day? - You did. You did. 397 00:15:10,479 --> 00:15:12,146 - I did not! - All right, ladies, stop it. 398 00:15:12,181 --> 00:15:15,216 I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy. 399 00:15:15,251 --> 00:15:17,051 By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day. 400 00:15:17,086 --> 00:15:20,154 Well, I wouldn't know. I was stranded on a beach being a virgin! 401 00:15:20,189 --> 00:15:23,157 But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? 402 00:15:23,192 --> 00:15:24,292 - I'm talking about Paris. - Oh, this is about Paris! 403 00:15:24,326 --> 00:15:26,094 - I'm talking about Paris. - I knew it! 404 00:15:26,128 --> 00:15:29,130 We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. 405 00:15:29,164 --> 00:15:31,799 And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, 406 00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:33,968 so I had to move in with Spencer? 407 00:15:34,003 --> 00:15:36,471 While you were being squired about the Louvre, 408 00:15:36,505 --> 00:15:41,409 I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water! 409 00:15:41,443 --> 00:15:42,944 You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way. 410 00:15:42,978 --> 00:15:44,746 - It's not my fault! - Stop it! 411 00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,414 I'm bored. 412 00:15:46,448 --> 00:15:47,615 Here's what you guys are gonna do. 413 00:15:47,650 --> 00:15:48,750 You're gonna punch each other. 414 00:15:48,784 --> 00:15:50,118 Now I'm not bored. 415 00:15:50,152 --> 00:15:51,786 - I'm not doing that. - What? 416 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,755 - I'm not doing that. - Well, you got to do something. 417 00:15:53,789 --> 00:15:56,291 Man up, punch each other and end this. 418 00:15:56,325 --> 00:15:57,625 You gotta have it out 419 00:15:57,660 --> 00:15:58,826 so you can get past this. 420 00:15:58,861 --> 00:16:00,495 Now I'm bored again. 421 00:16:00,529 --> 00:16:02,530 - Punch each other! - Now I'm not bored. 422 00:16:02,565 --> 00:16:03,665 Talk with your fist! 423 00:16:03,699 --> 00:16:06,534 I just want my... 424 00:16:08,337 --> 00:16:09,337 - Oh, no! - My goodness! 425 00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:10,772 Back off! 426 00:16:13,142 --> 00:16:14,342 La... ladies? 427 00:16:14,376 --> 00:16:16,177 It's spreading. 428 00:16:16,212 --> 00:16:16,945 Stop it! 429 00:16:16,979 --> 00:16:18,513 Russian baby shower. 430 00:16:22,651 --> 00:16:24,485 - Hey, hey, don't involve us, please. - Whoa. Hey, guys, no! 431 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,222 Break it up! Break it up! 432 00:16:27,256 --> 00:16:29,891 Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah! Baby shower! 433 00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:31,626 Oh, stop it! 434 00:16:31,660 --> 00:16:33,728 You stole my babysitter! 435 00:16:36,098 --> 00:16:37,966 What are you doing? 436 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,200 I'm having a situation. 437 00:16:39,235 --> 00:16:41,169 Oh, come on, dude. 438 00:16:41,203 --> 00:16:43,671 - Get off! - Fighting for no damn reason with me?! 439 00:16:43,706 --> 00:16:47,175 Come on, just... lie down and take it like a woman! 440 00:16:47,209 --> 00:16:49,511 This is for Mike Hannamin. 441 00:16:52,014 --> 00:16:54,249 Baby kick. Baby like. 442 00:16:54,283 --> 00:16:55,617 Yay! 443 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:05,958 Do I look pretty? 444 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,029 Do you feel, like, really good right now? 445 00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:13,065 Yes! I thought I was crazy. 446 00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:14,866 No, you're not crazy. 447 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,902 I think I... I think I wanted 448 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,904 to punch you for a really long time. 449 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:22,975 Felt that way. Like maybe ten or 15 years. 450 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,810 And it feels so good 451 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,346 that right now we don't have to talk everything through. 452 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,880 Yeah. We can just punch it out. 453 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,048 Oh, my God, I have missed you. 454 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,353 I can't believe I've known you 20 years. 455 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:38,890 And you're still my favorite person to talk to. 456 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,361 And you're my favorite person to talk to. 457 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,830 I hate not talking to you. 458 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,431 I feel like I've missed everything! 459 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,866 You did miss everything. 460 00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,067 So, does Nick have a girlfriend? 461 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,003 - Yes. So weird. - You okay? 462 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:52,871 Yes. So weird. 463 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,841 So, is Nadia going to raise the baby in your apartment? 464 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,843 Yeah, we haven't really talked about that yet. 465 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,379 You should. 466 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,416 Craig Hodges. 467 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,455 Hello. Nick. Nick, are you okay? 468 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,124 - Winston? - Listen, listen, listen, Nick. 469 00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,425 - Winston. - Tell me everything. 470 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,193 Winston, she's rich! 471 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,328 Yeah, she founded some company 472 00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:18,864 that sells fancy water bottles 473 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:21,800 to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa. 474 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,368 She sold the company, so now 475 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,204 she works whenever she wants. 476 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:26,905 It's a scam called consulting. 477 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,373 You see, I knew it. 478 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,209 I knew there was something weird. I was right! 479 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,078 You were wrong about literally everything. 480 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,047 But I knew there was gonna be a twist, though. 481 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,882 Okay, do you realize how much time you've wasted, 482 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,217 and you're not studying? 483 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:41,587 Sweet Baby LeBron James, I screwed up. 484 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,828 Hey, I should probably get going. 485 00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,430 I got to get to work. 486 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,898 Yeah, it's karaoke night, 487 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,299 so I got to get there early enough 488 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:55,901 to break the karaoke machine. 489 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:58,303 How much will you make tonight? 490 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,939 Ah, it depends how much I drink, but probably about 140 bucks. 491 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,247 What is this? 492 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:11,884 I raise you to $200. 493 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,988 Now you can stay. 494 00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:18,457 Deal. 495 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,993 I'm like a boy hooker. 496 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,662 Thank you. 497 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,030 Are you crying? 498 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,600 Don't look at me. 499 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,435 I want to look pretty. You paid for it. 500 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,105 Nadia is the one who broke my thing. 501 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,707 Wait, you were serious about that? 502 00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,308 Yes. That was her. I'm telling you. 503 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,277 She's going to have to childproof the corners 504 00:19:39,311 --> 00:19:41,379 of her cha-cha before that baby comes out. 505 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,714 Oh, Cecilia. 506 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:45,383 Thank goodness. Look at you. You're still pretty. 507 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,418 And, Jess, you know, 508 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,719 you... you look the same. 509 00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:48,954 I'm sorry about making you guys 510 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,889 - punch each other. - Don't be sorry. 511 00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,290 - You're so right. - Mm. 512 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,092 We've wasted so much time being passive-aggressive. 513 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,927 - We learned our lesson. - Yeah. 514 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,296 - Well, we're very smart. - That means a lot. Thank you. 515 00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,965 Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, 516 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,600 you'd still be arguing over the fact 517 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,969 that you recorded football over your Charlie Rose episodes. 518 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,238 It's all good, man. Yeah, well, it's nothing. 519 00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:08,006 Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, 520 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,208 "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur 521 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,043 who just records things to look smart 522 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,880 because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure 523 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,648 about my intelligence?" 524 00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,550 Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, 525 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,418 "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead 526 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,220 who has to rewatch football 527 00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,623 because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" 528 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,664 Hey, man. 529 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,099 - Oh, hey, Coach. - Aw, hey, you. 530 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,013 - That's nice. - Oh, this? 531 00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:37,689 I... I don't know. Thanks, I guess. 532 00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:39,657 - I'm kind of whatever about it. - No. 533 00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:41,025 What do you got there? 534 00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:42,527 Oh, me? Uh, just some sneakers. 535 00:20:42,561 --> 00:20:43,962 I hope they're okay. 536 00:20:43,996 --> 00:20:45,697 I don't have an eye for things like you. 537 00:20:45,731 --> 00:20:48,233 Well, yeah, you do. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. 538 00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:50,034 - Your eye is so good. - I'm sure they're great. 539 00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:52,237 - I... - Not that you could look bad in anything really. 540 00:20:53,272 --> 00:20:55,407 Son of a... 541 00:20:55,441 --> 00:20:56,975 Thank you for that. 542 00:20:57,009 --> 00:20:58,676 - Yeah, thanks, man. - Anytime. 543 00:20:58,711 --> 00:21:00,712 - We cool? - Yeah, we cool. 544 00:21:02,515 --> 00:21:04,516 Ooh, boy. 545 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:05,718 How many pages are in this thing? 546 00:21:06,452 --> 00:21:08,452 Darius Miles. Oh! 547 00:21:10,753 --> 00:21:11,901 That's in there? 548 00:21:12,702 --> 00:21:13,335 Jordan! 549 00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:15,865 Massaging is illegal? 550 00:21:17,766 --> 00:21:18,530 What? 551 00:21:20,631 --> 00:21:22,010 Gotta download a song. 552 00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:35,011 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -