1 00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:04,636 Jess: Hey, look who it is. 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,705 It's schmidt. And, um... 3 00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:08,139 This is barb. Barb is leaving. 4 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:09,341 Oh, barb. Like the elephant. 5 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,610 That's babar, you dum-dum. 6 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,613 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 7 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:15,714 Since i know sleeping wasn't 8 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,349 The main activity of the night. 9 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,784 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 10 00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,053 You're just so loud! (chuckles) 11 00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:24,789 You have a lot of roommates. So many of 'em. That's great. 12 00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:26,157 Bye, barb. Bye, barb. 13 00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:27,392 Bye, schmidt. (door shuts) 14 00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,227 That was the third piece of nanny 15 00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:31,463 This week, am i right? Sure is. 16 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,565 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 17 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,001 Trying to crush butt herself. 18 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,335 Um, where are you meeting all 19 00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:40,038 These eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 20 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,573 Dice. Hmm? 21 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,708 It's kind of like tinder. Dice and tinder. 22 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,176 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 23 00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:47,245 (groans) dice is a dating app. 24 00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:49,014 Dating app. It's not for you. 25 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,216 What? Schmidty. 26 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,318 Come on. I've internet dated before. 27 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,555 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 28 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,024 You are just describing e-mailing. Come on. 29 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,560 You're gonna get eaten alive on dice. Do you want to see... Come on, now. 30 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,229 Do you want to see... This is dice. Come here. 31 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,197 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:07,732 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,234 You swipe up for no. Jess: You're so fast. 34 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,368 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:12,203 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:15,607 Now, i'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:17,609 Don't go on dice, jess. 38 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,177 I won't. 39 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,916 Okay, now. 40 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,285 New account. 41 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:30,722 I am... Darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,724 Dtf. 43 00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:35,393 Seeks same. 44 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:37,862 I'm dicing. 45 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:40,098 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ 46 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,534 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ ♪ it's jess. ♪ 47 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,640 Winston: You know, i'm really enjoying the police academy, 48 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,609 But, believe it or not, 49 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,777 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 50 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:53,912 What? Weird. Oh, my god. 51 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,747 No. That's crazy. 52 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,649 That is super shocking news. I can't wrap my head around that. 53 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,551 That just doesn't add up. Everyone's got a nickname but me. 54 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,387 Yo, swoops! What up, gunner? (chuckles) 55 00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,456 Hey, winston bishop. 56 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,790 Why don't you just go ask them 57 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,258 If you can hang out with them sometime? 58 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,660 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 59 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,096 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 60 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,932 Winnie the bish wasn't raised to be rude. 61 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:16,568 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 62 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,170 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 63 00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,973 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, i don't know, 64 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,675 What if i want to get stoned or something? 65 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,010 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 66 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,012 You've never been stoned? What? 67 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,346 Should i do it before he becomes a cop? 68 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,781 We could do this. Really? 69 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,650 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 70 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,251 I think we should do it. It's been a while. 71 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:34,686 I pick up stuff really quick. 72 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,688 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 73 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,524 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. Yeah, if pot 74 00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,593 Were a piano, nick would be a nine-year-old chinese girl. 75 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,795 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 76 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,597 I'll be your spiritual guru. 77 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,265 And mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 78 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,667 So i'm gonna bake some damn brownies 79 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,934 So we can all freak out. 80 00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,370 Let's do it. We're getting stoned? 81 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:54,539 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12-year-olds. 82 00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,675 The hell is that? What is that noise? (ringtone playing) 83 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,143 Your cellular technology. 84 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:01,546 I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years. 85 00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,181 Jess? 86 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,184 Hey, uh... So, i diced 87 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,853 And it was great. Um, 88 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:12,023 But could i get a ride? 89 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,626 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 90 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:20,532 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 91 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,133 Which would you prefer? 92 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,902 (barks) 93 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,206 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 94 00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,543 He looked nice in his picture. 95 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,579 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 96 00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:36,681 So how was i to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 97 00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,850 Mmm. He asked me 98 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,685 To the food court near his house. 99 00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,987 I thought that was down-to-earth, and i liked that. 100 00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,422 He didn't bring any money, 101 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,591 So we had to go back to his apartment. 102 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:50,095 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 103 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,063 (groans) 104 00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,033 Maybe i'm not ready for dice. 105 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,001 Will you just help me, please? 106 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,370 I want to get back out there. I have to... 107 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,339 I need to get back out there. 108 00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:02,373 And i know i'm gullible. 109 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:03,675 'cause people tell me that, 110 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,643 And i have no reason not to believe them. 111 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,980 Teach me to dice. 112 00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,887 Is that a yes? (mutters) 113 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,689 Schmidt? 114 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,758 What's happening? 115 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,928 Ah! What the hell? 116 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,431 I will teach you dice. 117 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,308 Welcome and... 118 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:38,943 Good morning. 119 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,246 It's weird here in the morning. It is very sad. 120 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:42,914 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 121 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,816 Your notions of dating will be challenged. 122 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,985 Jess, just listen. No notes. I'm sorry. 123 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,954 You put notebooks and pens on the table, so i thought... I totally get it. 124 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,090 Look, jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water? 125 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,491 Oh, thank you. Of course. 126 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,560 That's really nice of... Never show weakness. 127 00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:58,963 Write that down. Now, you're on dice 128 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,832 And this hunk shows up. 129 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,301 Hubba hubba, mama in trubba. 130 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,169 Don't ever do that again. 131 00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,570 Okay. So you find 132 00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,238 This man. He looks like a hemsworth, 133 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,473 If you will. 134 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,408 He swipes down, you swipe down, 135 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:13,411 You guys set a date. I show up. 136 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,246 Hey, how you doing? I'm jack steele. 137 00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,948 Hi, jack. (buzzing) 138 00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,984 Wrong. Is that our taboo buzzer? 139 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,820 Not important. Why did i buzz? Do you think you could 140 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,521 Just return it to the box when you're done with it? 141 00:05:23,523 --> 00:05:26,090 The reason i buzzed is because i look nothing like this person. 142 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:27,859 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 143 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,594 I am a rugged semitic prince. 144 00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:31,796 I thought we were role-playing. Role-playing? 145 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,264 What about this feels like a game to you? 146 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,134 (buzzing) (phone chimes) 147 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,503 Ooh, i got a dice match. 148 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:39,504 Jacob. 149 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,940 He has dreamy eyes. 150 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,608 Them's joint-bank-account eyes. Okay, 151 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,510 If you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 152 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,313 We have more work to do than the kings of leon. 153 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:51,115 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 154 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:52,450 Well, i have a good feeling about this guy. 155 00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:53,351 Okay. I'm gonna ask him out. 156 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,652 Hey. 157 00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,187 You're not ready yet. 158 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,325 I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. 159 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,960 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 160 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,461 I do have the... (buzzing) 161 00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:06,130 Never get the protection plan! 162 00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:08,066 Nick: The oceans are very wild. 163 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,702 No man or piece of scientific technology 164 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,037 Has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 165 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,206 Titanic did. Uh, titanic sunk down there, 166 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,641 But that's not to the bottom. 167 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,376 No, the man who made titanic did. 168 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,812 I don't know what manhoo is, but... 169 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,380 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 170 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,716 Well, it hits everybody at different times, hoss. 171 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,484 (door opens) but it's coming for you. 172 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,319 My people! (chuckles) 173 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,555 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 174 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,991 I took cece's advice and decided to invite myself 175 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,159 To hang out with some of the other guys, 176 00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:37,328 And i think y'all should roll with. 177 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,930 Make me look cooler. 178 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,699 I'll totally go to a party on your butt. 179 00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:42,533 What? 180 00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:44,535 (laughing) no. No. 181 00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:47,105 Now, that is a humorous image. 182 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,241 What? 183 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,343 But, seriously, you have to go. Oh, no, no, no, no. 184 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,778 Know-know what? We're gonna go. 185 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:54,879 We're gonna go. 186 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,714 Okay. We're gonna go. 187 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,716 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 188 00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:00,218 You're gonna go? Hey, we're gonna go. 189 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,719 We're gonna go. 190 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,254 We're gonna go. Right on, right on. 191 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,056 Well, then we'll go. 192 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,557 (chuckling): Yeah. 193 00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:07,926 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 194 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,194 You're not an expert. I am. 195 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,529 Nobody knows we're stoned. 196 00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:12,897 If we didn't go, then they would know. 197 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,098 You're saying that be... 198 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,700 If we don't go to the party, 199 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,068 They're gonna think that we're high. 200 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,237 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 201 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,105 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 202 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,774 You don't "do weed." that's a test. 203 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,475 You said it. Listen to me, 204 00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,111 First order of business, we eat their food. 205 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:30,548 Okay. Then you look at the pool. "aw, what a great pool. 206 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:34,485 I wish... I wish i could dive for rings." 207 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:38,056 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 208 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:41,392 Um, i was just thinking of this impression. 209 00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:44,295 Who am i doing? 210 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,833 Who am i doing? Al pacino? 211 00:07:48,835 --> 00:07:51,936 Maybe. So, then, 212 00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:54,272 You get home, you eat some pizza... 213 00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:56,808 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 214 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,510 Of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 215 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,679 Ooh. Wow. 216 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:05,249 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 217 00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,151 Man. 218 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,324 Oh, i did not think this through. 219 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,860 (giggling) 220 00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:19,430 It just hit me. 221 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,832 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 222 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,433 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Be cool. 223 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,836 And that is why-- no matter how tricked out it is-- 224 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,504 You never get into a van. 225 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,873 "no van." okay. Moving on. 226 00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,108 Classic warning signs. 227 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,476 Now, last night, the crazy man 228 00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:33,444 Said he needed to meet you near his house. 229 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,113 What he was really saying was, 230 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,848 "i expect tonight to end in sex." 231 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,617 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 232 00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,786 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 233 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:45,223 For a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 234 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,025 Okay, first test. Now, i'm gonna say something, 235 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,660 And you tell me what's really being said. 236 00:08:49,662 --> 00:08:52,130 Oh, you know, i'm just staying in a hotel right now. 237 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,664 "i like to travel." 238 00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:56,034 (buzzing) homeless. Pervert. 239 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,203 Oh, my god, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 240 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:00,638 Oh. "i love my mother." 241 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,906 (buzzing) 242 00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:04,509 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 243 00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:07,145 I kind of prefer public transportation. 244 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,679 Oh. Earth-conscious. 245 00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:10,581 (buzzing) multiple duis. 246 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,682 (buzzing) 247 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,518 Pervert. 248 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,019 Okay, time for the next phase. 249 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,387 Next phase? Jess? 250 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,323 Hi. I'm malcolm. From dice? Oh... 251 00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,925 Oh. 252 00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:22,927 Hi. Hey. 253 00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:24,762 She'll be with you in just a minute. 254 00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:26,564 Okay. 255 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,666 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my 256 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,868 Lounge-around underwear. I set you up on ten dates. 257 00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,537 What? Ten years of experience in one day. 258 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,704 Expert by midnight. 259 00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,206 The dice diez. 260 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,574 "diez" is spanish for ten. 261 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,576 Are you insane, schmidt? I'm not ready. 262 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,945 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 263 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,347 Straight to broadway. You got to workshop it first... 264 00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:44,782 If you are for one second suggesting 265 00:09:44,784 --> 00:09:46,250 That i don't know how to open a musical... 266 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,252 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 267 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,555 Now, of course you're not ready, jess. 268 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:53,024 That's why i set up ten dates. 269 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,792 Now, you can do this. Come on. 270 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:57,028 All right. 271 00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,029 So... 272 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,297 So. Date talk. 273 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,265 Okay. (chuckles) what do you do? 274 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,801 Um, well, i don't have a job, currently, right now, 275 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,137 In the traditional "nine to five" sense, 276 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,706 But, uh, i got a lot cooking. 277 00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:12,276 I "grow" "raisins." 278 00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,981 I'm sorry, malcolm, um, 279 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,050 I'm gonna have to... 280 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,152 (whispering): Get out of there. 281 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,154 ...Let you finish that story. 282 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,290 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 283 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,059 There's the leopold raisin, 284 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,727 Which is from austria. Mm-hmm. 285 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,229 And then there's the zwiebel raisin, 286 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,997 Which is also from austria. 287 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,002 But i think the main thing 288 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:39,403 That got me through my time in prison 289 00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:40,671 Was the realization 290 00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:42,340 That a "raisin" can be anything. 291 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,774 We got to go! 292 00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:45,510 (in southern accent): Ma called. The bees are back. 293 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:46,844 Ma called. The bees are back. 294 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,513 Oh, okay. Um... 295 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,348 Should i just... Should i wait for you? 296 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,416 You know that was a bad date, right? 297 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,519 I know, but i just felt so trapped. 298 00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:57,088 Just do what i did, make up an excuse and then leave. 299 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,257 Just-just say as little as you need to, okay? 300 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,324 Make it your own. 301 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,425 You ready? Yeah. 302 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,660 You can do this. Okay. 303 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,095 You have so much hair. What? 304 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,129 Where did all that hair come from? 305 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,197 You're like a lioness. 306 00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,832 So, did you know you could put 307 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:10,001 A whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 308 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,004 Without plucking it or preparing it at all? 309 00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:15,973 (whispering): Keep it simple. 310 00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,108 Uh, let's keep it simple. 311 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:18,276 You're a nice guy, 312 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,777 And that's a neat outfit. 313 00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:21,646 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 314 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:22,713 Are... Do you work on... 315 00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,148 On a submarine? Shh. 316 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:25,283 No! No! 317 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,450 Oh. Stand down, 318 00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,685 Sir! We found your son. 319 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,786 He's alive. 320 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,621 They found my son; he's alive. 321 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,990 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 322 00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:34,492 Winston: All right, now, remember, 323 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,626 Y'all are my dogs, okay? 324 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,827 So just stay by my side 325 00:11:36,829 --> 00:11:38,229 And make me look cool. 326 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,965 If i tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 327 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:43,501 (laughs) i want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 328 00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,336 Oh, okay, look. 329 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:46,671 Look, there's dugan. There's dugan. 330 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:49,540 That's the guy i was telling you about. Come on. 331 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,576 Over there is better. 332 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,677 All right. 333 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:54,812 What? Whatever the hell that means. 334 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,881 Is there a cop in the house? (laughs) 335 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,517 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 336 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,586 Oh, look, a hummingbird. What the hell are you talking about? 337 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,487 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 338 00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,089 Birds don't hum. 339 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:06,257 They sing. 340 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,892 They basically invented singing. 341 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:09,594 You're so high right now, man. 342 00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:11,896 You're so high, i couldn't possibly even bring you back. 343 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,998 Actually, dude, i feel really good. 344 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,566 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 345 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,068 You look like an insane person. 346 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,671 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 347 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,073 Say something. 348 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,608 Hello, nick. 349 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,543 (laughs) 350 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,612 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 351 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,580 "hello, nick." 352 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,116 And now i'm a model and a bartender. 353 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,751 But i... 354 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,120 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 355 00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,422 I'm not exactly sure what i'm doing with my life. 356 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:40,625 I'm so sorry. 357 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:41,892 What was your question again? 358 00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,561 I didn't ask you anything. 359 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,063 You just walked up and started talking. 360 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:47,598 So, man, i'm in the locker room, 361 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,267 And i see a spider, and i'm like, 362 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,568 "i hope this is charlotte's web 363 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,836 And you're nice." 364 00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,307 You haven't seen charlotte's web? 365 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,908 Charlotte's web, the, uh, cartoon. 366 00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,645 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 367 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,580 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 368 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:03,981 So that was sad. 369 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,150 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 370 00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,485 I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. 371 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,122 Where are my dogs? 372 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,491 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 373 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,893 Because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 374 00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,662 Here, take a look at those. 375 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,330 I've got hockey practice? 376 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,499 Sure. My boss is trying to contact me 377 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,734 About a project that could save the company. 378 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:24,669 Mm-hmm. Schmidt, 379 00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,003 These are such obvious rejections. 380 00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:27,338 I don't want to hurt their feelings. 381 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,406 Hurt their feel... 382 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,840 Do you just walk around all day 383 00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,075 Thinking about other people's feelings? 384 00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,243 Yeah. Don't you? 385 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,744 No. 386 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:34,912 How do you get anything done? 387 00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:36,914 It's hard. Okay, jess, 388 00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,250 How can i put this? 389 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,585 You're the prize here. 390 00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:43,621 Okay? 391 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,923 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 392 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,325 Are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 393 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,760 And i can say that because i used to be fat as a truck. 394 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,462 You really think i'm the last piece of pie? 395 00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,698 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 396 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,599 You're the best girl on dice, jess. 397 00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,935 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 398 00:13:57,937 --> 00:13:59,804 You know, what do you feel? 399 00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,939 Jess, what do you want? 400 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,007 I'm the pie. 401 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,642 You're the pie. I'm the pie. 402 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,043 Say it again. I'm the pie. 403 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,545 Say it again. I'm the pie. 404 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,280 There you go. 405 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,448 Who are you? 406 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,950 Never really thought about that. 407 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,051 Mmm. 408 00:14:14,053 --> 00:14:15,619 I'm not gay, 409 00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,989 But i would go crazy on michael strahan. 410 00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:23,561 A prominent u.S. Senator is trying to contact me. 411 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,132 You know, i just think meryl streep is a dumb bitch. 412 00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,735 An important document has gone missing. 413 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,803 I need to find it. 414 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,139 I've been getting into a lot 415 00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,574 Of fist fights lately. 416 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,708 Like, a lot. 417 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,009 More than usual. 418 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,344 But, you know, 419 00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,179 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 420 00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,415 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 421 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,321 Jess? 422 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,723 Nope, not jess. 423 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:55,893 Velcro shoes, pervert. 424 00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,763 I didn't even see those. 425 00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:02,733 I would love for you to share... 426 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,035 Share... 427 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,471 What you think i should do with my life. 428 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,076 Am i boring you now? 429 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,145 Officer, can i read you your rights? 430 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,582 You have the right to remain hugged. 431 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,917 (laughter) 432 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,619 Oh, no, coach! 433 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,254 And you have the right to remain sweet. 434 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,455 (laughter) 435 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,424 Run! Diversion! 436 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,592 Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on! 437 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,761 What's with your friends, winston bishop? 438 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,764 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 439 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,199 Yeah... I know. 440 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:38,469 Wow. Last date. 441 00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,237 It's a big moment. 442 00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:43,307 Oh, my god, is that who i think it is? 443 00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:45,543 I give you dreamy eyes jacob. 444 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,311 Happy dice birthday, jess. 445 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,647 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 446 00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,049 Thank you, sir. 447 00:15:52,051 --> 00:15:53,484 Jess: Wait a minute. 448 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,653 Are you from portland? The jolly cow creamery. 449 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,621 Yeah, i used to work there summers in high school. 450 00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,890 No way. I'm from portland, too. Are you serious? 451 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,892 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 452 00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,394 Oh, my god. That's so funny. 453 00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,229 (laughter) 454 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,799 Yeah, i hope you like this place. 455 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,734 I live, like, right across the street, so... 456 00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,573 Oh. (clears throat) i get it. 457 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,008 You asked me here because 458 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,311 You want me to go home with you. Wait. What? 459 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,979 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 460 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,514 I have hockey practice. 461 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,416 I'm center wing, so they really need me. I... Wow. 462 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,785 Okay, i just live across the street. 463 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:31,255 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 464 00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:33,090 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 465 00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:35,426 Guess you just make a snap decision, 466 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,127 And then that's it, so... 467 00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:39,430 All right, well, have a good practice. 468 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:44,001 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 469 00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,273 The dice diez! 470 00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,407 You did it! 471 00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:53,110 This thing is on! 472 00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,778 How do you open it? 473 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,448 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 474 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,617 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 475 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,118 That is delightful. 476 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,159 We are celebrating-- me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 477 00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,328 You want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 478 00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,130 Tikka masala. 479 00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:15,132 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 480 00:17:15,134 --> 00:17:17,501 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 481 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,036 I just don't understand how 482 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,338 What we did today is gonna help me find love. 483 00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:23,007 Love? 484 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,375 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 485 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,176 Why else would i go on dates? 486 00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:28,879 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 487 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,814 And then never stop. 488 00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,883 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 489 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,185 No. Schmidt, the whole point 490 00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:38,822 Of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 491 00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,525 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 492 00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,695 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 493 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:48,532 And some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 494 00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:51,001 Do you want to go through life that way? 495 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,438 Yeah. 496 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,141 I don't. 497 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,449 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... 498 00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,418 The rock shrimp meatballs. 499 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,286 What is this place? 500 00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:10,888 (shushing) 501 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:13,591 I think my life is going nowhere. 502 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,092 Oh. Mmm. 503 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,261 No, cece. It's wonderful here. 504 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,596 Do you like to learn? 505 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,064 I do. 506 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,599 I see you going back to school. 507 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,735 I see it, too. Yes, yes. 508 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:26,770 I don't see it. Yes. 509 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,273 She's a bartender. How is she gonna pay for it? 510 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,543 (cece and coach hum "pomp and circumstance") she's not very good at it. 511 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,645 (all humming "pomp and circumstance") 512 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,714 (beatboxing) 513 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,883 On the floor! Shut up! 514 00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:43,821 (yelling, overlapping chatter) 515 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,656 (shouting and yelling) cece: Get the dog! 516 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,459 Get down on the ground! Yeah, and stay down! No! 517 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,327 (indistinct, overlapping chatter) cece: I'm a student! 518 00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:52,162 Both of you, butts up. I'm trying. 519 00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:53,497 I'm trying. 520 00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:57,835 (laughter) 521 00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,470 See, i see you guys were high, 522 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,506 So i got these guys to come and mess with you. 523 00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:04,575 (laughter) 524 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,176 Let's go, man. 525 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:08,412 Let's never do drugs again. 526 00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,581 That was a lot of fun... Toilet. 527 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,850 "toilet." is that... Is that my nickname? 528 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,451 Dugan: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 529 00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:17,421 You got to put up with a lot of crap. Lot of crap. (laughs) 530 00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:18,422 Dugan: Let's get a beer. 531 00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:22,026 Thank you very much. 532 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,028 Flush, flush, what's the rush? 533 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,362 Toilet's coming! 534 00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:26,864 You guys want to go back in? 535 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,499 Yeah. Yeah. 536 00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:31,702 Thanks for coming back. Sure. 537 00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,937 Look, i'm... I'm really sorry. 538 00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,306 Um, i was... I don't know where to begin. 539 00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:38,475 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 540 00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:40,477 Phony excuses to get out of dates. 541 00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:43,781 Wow. Anyway, that is not me. 542 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,816 Okay. So... 543 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,951 Will you give me another chance to get to know you? 544 00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:49,453 Yeah. 545 00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:50,888 Let's go back in and get a drink. 546 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,389 Yes. Great. 547 00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:56,026 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 548 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:59,296 Like... This coin. 549 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,737 (laughing): Oh. 550 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,505 You're a magician. 551 00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,174 No. Ugh. No. 552 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,176 I'm a comedy magician. 553 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,712 Even better. 554 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,714 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 555 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,017 I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy. 556 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,919 Uh-oh. 557 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,156 Can't have this. It's my last one. 558 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,191 (laughing): No... 559 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,192 I'm kidding. Take it. 560 00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:29,359 I don't want it. Please take it. 561 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:30,360 No, you take it. 562 00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:32,162 Okay. Let's go in. 563 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,933 (quietly): Schmidt? 564 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,836 I totally didn't think i'd ever hear from you again. 565 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,105 Well, you know, i just figured, 566 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,873 Why not see if there's something here? 567 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,075 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 568 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,044 There's a coffee place down the street. 569 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:50,647 Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe. 570 00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:53,784 I don't think you understand dice. 571 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,587 Okay. 572 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,589 (door closes) 573 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,591 Schmidt: Jessica! 574 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,894 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 575 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,229 And these are stuck. 576 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:06,663 (jacob giggles) 577 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,434 Now the rings are free, 578 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,770 But the groom is imprisoned forever. 579 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:15,939 I know how he feels. You know what they say. 580 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,442 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... 581 00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,177 Make an amish. 582 00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:22,646 It's an egg. 583 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:24,381 It's an amish person. 584 00:21:24,383 --> 00:21:26,650 My uncle is on fire. 585 00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:29,119 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 586 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,890 But have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 587 00:21:33,993 --> 00:21:35,292 No, no! 588 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,261 Oh, my... Okay, this date is over. 589 00:21:37,263 --> 00:21:40,864 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org