1
00:00:01,815 --> 00:00:03,131
We're all adults.

2
00:00:03,319 --> 00:00:06,005
What's the harm?
We can do this with dignity,

3
00:00:06,182 --> 00:00:08,980
self-restraint, and dare I say...

4
00:00:09,171 --> 00:00:11,520
- honour.
- The game is True American.

5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,189
One, two, three, four...
JFK!

6
00:00:13,465 --> 00:00:14,459
FDR!

7
00:00:15,614 --> 00:00:17,229
***

8
00:00:17,379 --> 00:00:20,434
***

9
00:00:21,851 --> 00:00:22,784
Sorry.

10
00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:26,087
Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.

11
00:00:26,122 --> 00:00:27,222
- You're a Bill,
- Ah!

12
00:00:27,256 --> 00:00:29,190
you're a George,

13
00:00:29,225 --> 00:00:30,959
- you're a Bill.
- Ah.

14
00:00:30,993 --> 00:00:32,761
You're Greek. Get out of here!

15
00:00:32,795 --> 00:00:33,928
What? Why am I Greek?

16
00:00:33,963 --> 00:00:35,029
You're a Greek.
Get out of here!

17
00:00:35,064 --> 00:00:36,231
- Get out of here.
- And you...

18
00:00:37,265 --> 00:00:39,467
He's got the plague! Scatter!

19
00:00:39,502 --> 00:00:40,902
Hello!

20
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,574
Taft just sat on you!

21
00:00:49,645 --> 00:00:52,080
My name is Eli Whitney,
and I created the cotton gin.

22
00:00:52,114 --> 00:00:55,417
Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!
Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!

23
00:00:55,451 --> 00:00:57,352
Gin! Gin! Gin!

24
00:01:01,657 --> 00:01:04,059
Oh, God.

25
00:01:08,145 --> 00:01:12,669
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

26
00:01:14,436 --> 00:01:15,938
Son of a...

27
00:01:16,972 --> 00:01:19,474
Jessica, did we die?

28
00:01:19,508 --> 00:01:22,343
No. Alive.

29
00:01:22,378 --> 00:01:23,144
Shh...

30
00:01:23,179 --> 00:01:25,180
Turkey bacon.

31
00:01:25,214 --> 00:01:27,615
- Mm.
- That's nice.

32
00:01:27,650 --> 00:01:30,018
- That's ni, Nick.
- That's ni.

33
00:01:30,052 --> 00:01:32,987
Get sleep.

34
00:01:34,022 --> 00:01:35,957
Yeah.

35
00:01:35,991 --> 00:01:37,759
Help me up.

36
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:40,595
I'm trying.

37
00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:44,299
You're...

38
00:01:44,333 --> 00:01:46,368
You drink some water.

39
00:01:46,402 --> 00:01:50,004
Aw, son of a bitch,
the water fell on the ground.

40
00:01:50,039 --> 00:01:52,107
Here. Here you go.

41
00:01:52,141 --> 00:01:55,377
Drink the water. That's good.

42
00:01:57,012 --> 00:01:58,313
Oh, no.

43
00:01:58,347 --> 00:01:59,481
- No.
- Oh, make it stop.

44
00:01:59,515 --> 00:02:01,683
- Jessica, make it stop.
- No!

45
00:02:03,586 --> 00:02:05,387
Oh.

46
00:02:05,421 --> 00:02:07,789
Hello.

47
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,025
Jess, where are you?
It's Jacob's first birthday.

48
00:02:10,059 --> 00:02:11,526
You're his godmother,
I need you here.

49
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,962
Sir, hi. Who are you?

50
00:02:13,996 --> 00:02:16,264
This is a private residence.

51
00:02:16,298 --> 00:02:18,199
I'll be right there.

52
00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:23,738
Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess.

53
00:02:23,773 --> 00:02:25,306
I have really bad news.

54
00:02:25,341 --> 00:02:28,309
We have to go to
a one-year-old's birthday party.

55
00:02:28,344 --> 00:02:30,378
I'm not interested
in that birthday party.

56
00:02:30,413 --> 00:02:32,047
Thank you for the invitation.

57
00:02:32,081 --> 00:02:33,715
Good night.

58
00:02:33,749 --> 00:02:35,717
I'm so hungover.

59
00:02:35,751 --> 00:02:37,886
- Why today?
- What?

60
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,320
You think it went bad?

61
00:02:39,355 --> 00:02:41,823
We're your new neighbors.

62
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:48,663
Um, I think y-your bagel
fell out of your mouth.

63
00:02:48,698 --> 00:02:51,199
I'm Jewish.

64
00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:54,269
Why didn't you guys tell me I was
still wearing ladies' sunglasses?

65
00:02:54,303 --> 00:02:57,272
I look like
Magic Johnson's son, EJ.

66
00:02:57,306 --> 00:02:58,640
Hey, you guys, I got a problem.

67
00:02:58,674 --> 00:03:00,875
You know that guy that I'm dating?

68
00:03:00,910 --> 00:03:02,544
Buster, your child bride?

69
00:03:02,578 --> 00:03:04,112
He's 20, okay?
Not that it matters.

70
00:03:04,146 --> 00:03:06,281
Is he smooth all over?
Does he take baths in the sink?

71
00:03:06,315 --> 00:03:08,917
I sent him a bunch
of drunk texts last night.

72
00:03:08,951 --> 00:03:10,852
- What?
- Mmm.

73
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:12,220
Oh, dear Lord.

74
00:03:12,254 --> 00:03:15,056
- I know.
- "I miss the way that your hands smell"?

75
00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:17,025
Did you write an entire
Jewel song in here?

76
00:03:17,059 --> 00:03:18,093
Is it from Pieces of You?

77
00:03:18,127 --> 00:03:19,894
You want to buy a rabbit with him?

78
00:03:19,929 --> 00:03:20,962
This isn't a text message,

79
00:03:20,997 --> 00:03:22,564
it's a freaking Russian novel.

80
00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:24,132
Okay, well, you know what,
what do I do?

81
00:03:24,501 --> 00:03:27,102
Text him one of the little yellow men.
The-the emoticons.

82
00:03:27,136 --> 00:03:30,238
You know, with the...
with the fa... with the faces.

83
00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:32,207
I hate all of you.

84
00:03:32,241 --> 00:03:34,476
Okay, so we really
tanked it with those babes.

85
00:03:34,510 --> 00:03:35,310
Look, we need to orchestrate

86
00:03:35,344 --> 00:03:36,745
a situation which allows us

87
00:03:36,779 --> 00:03:38,380
to put our best foot forward.

88
00:03:38,414 --> 00:03:39,547
- That's easy. We help 'em move.
- Winston,

89
00:03:39,582 --> 00:03:41,883
Winston... shh.

90
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,752
Why? It makes perfect sense.

91
00:03:43,786 --> 00:03:46,154
Helping a girl move makes you come off
as a doormat, you know what I mean?

92
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:47,555
Honey, honey, honey, just...

93
00:03:47,590 --> 00:03:49,157
listen to Coach.

94
00:03:49,191 --> 00:03:50,458
Baby, look,

95
00:03:50,493 --> 00:03:52,327
let us handle this,
okay? You go help Cece

96
00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:53,495
with the text messages.

97
00:03:53,529 --> 00:03:54,896
- You know, maybe I will.
- Okay.

98
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:57,332
But only because I really do
enjoy helping people.

99
00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:59,334
You're gonna be great, buddy.

100
00:03:59,368 --> 00:04:01,670
You're gonna do good things, man.

101
00:04:01,704 --> 00:04:03,104
You think we were too harsh on him?

102
00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:04,172
He makes you. He does.

103
00:04:04,206 --> 00:04:06,041
Don't blame yourself.

104
00:04:09,612 --> 00:04:12,414
How the hell did this happen?

105
00:04:12,448 --> 00:04:14,482
I found some things
and I put them on.

106
00:04:14,517 --> 00:04:17,452
- Throw this on.
- Mm.

107
00:04:17,486 --> 00:04:19,654
- Okay. That'll do it.
- Cover up the tops.

108
00:04:21,190 --> 00:04:22,190
You look great.

109
00:04:23,224 --> 00:04:24,926
No.

110
00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:27,929
- I couldn't have done it without you.
- No, you're...

111
00:04:27,964 --> 00:04:29,931
you're getting emotional. You do
this when you're hungover,

112
00:04:29,966 --> 00:04:31,399
but I'm gonna need you
to stay focused

113
00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:32,834
so we can get to that party.

114
00:04:32,868 --> 00:04:35,170
- Yeah. We just need the gift.
- Yeah.

115
00:04:35,204 --> 00:04:36,104
I got the gift.

116
00:04:36,138 --> 00:04:37,205
All right.

117
00:04:39,308 --> 00:04:40,709
Why is it in the box?
It's supposed to be out

118
00:04:40,743 --> 00:04:42,477
of the box, assembled.

119
00:04:42,511 --> 00:04:44,112
I said I would put it together
before the party,

120
00:04:44,146 --> 00:04:45,680
and it's before the party.
So what's the problem?

121
00:04:45,715 --> 00:04:47,148
Just give me

122
00:04:47,183 --> 00:04:48,550
five minutes.

123
00:04:50,286 --> 00:04:53,154
Ten minutes, tops.

124
00:04:53,189 --> 00:04:56,157
But I got this thing.

125
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:57,692
This is it.

126
00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:00,695
Christmas morning.

127
00:05:00,730 --> 00:05:04,466
Our little guy waiting
by the fireplace,

128
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:06,234
but there's no gift.

129
00:05:06,269 --> 00:05:08,737
'Cause Daddy's in the other room
putting it together.

130
00:05:08,771 --> 00:05:11,206
Did you say "our" kid?

131
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,642
Yeah, sometimes I think about
what our kid would be like.

132
00:05:13,676 --> 00:05:15,410
Don't you?

133
00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:17,142
Yeah.

134
00:05:17,146 --> 00:05:18,210
You don't think about the future?

135
00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,715
Can we not talk about this
right now? Six hours ago,

136
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:23,151
I was lapping cognac out
of Winston's hands.

137
00:05:23,185 --> 00:05:25,120
Drink it up, Checkers.
Forget what you saw.

138
00:05:25,154 --> 00:05:28,189
Never talk about anything serious
when you're hungover, Jess.

139
00:05:28,224 --> 00:05:29,824
I don't even really think
about it that much.

140
00:05:29,859 --> 00:05:32,160
I just think about, you know,
passing things. Just...

141
00:05:32,194 --> 00:05:35,397
Nothing specific.
We live in a house by a lake.

142
00:05:35,431 --> 00:05:36,765
- That sounds pretty specific.
- We live in a town

143
00:05:36,799 --> 00:05:38,600
with a sense of history
but not so much history

144
00:05:38,634 --> 00:05:40,902
that the locals are suspicious
of new people.

145
00:05:40,937 --> 00:05:42,737
Two small children

146
00:05:42,772 --> 00:05:45,874
who are so incredibly creative
they named themselves.

147
00:05:45,908 --> 00:05:47,876
We don't need to discipline the
kids 'cause they're so afraid

148
00:05:47,910 --> 00:05:49,411
of disappointing us.

149
00:05:49,445 --> 00:05:51,346
Our house smells like cider.

150
00:05:51,380 --> 00:05:52,681
And if there's a horse out back,

151
00:05:52,715 --> 00:05:55,216
you're not gonna get
any guff from me.

152
00:05:55,251 --> 00:05:58,620
Anyway, that's where I'm at.

153
00:05:58,654 --> 00:06:00,455
What are you...
what are you thinking?

154
00:06:00,489 --> 00:06:02,223
What, um...

155
00:06:02,258 --> 00:06:04,559
Where do you picture us?

156
00:06:04,594 --> 00:06:06,962
Where do you...
Nick.

157
00:06:06,996 --> 00:06:09,497
Nick.

158
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,443
Mmm, mmm. Oh, God.

159
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,345
I still feel like crap.

160
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,846
Guys, will you, um,
look at this follow-up text

161
00:06:19,881 --> 00:06:21,381
that I'm sending to Buster?

162
00:06:21,416 --> 00:06:23,850
- It's for the little boy?
- Try to be helpful, okay?

163
00:06:23,885 --> 00:06:26,486
- What are we looking at here?
- Are those nursing cats?

164
00:06:26,521 --> 00:06:27,955
Winston said it was funny.

165
00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:29,323
- It's not. It's incoherent.
- No.

166
00:06:29,357 --> 00:06:31,124
It's borderline pornographic.

167
00:06:31,159 --> 00:06:33,293
Wait, those are not cats.
That's a human man!

168
00:06:33,328 --> 00:06:35,028
What is he suck...
What is he sucking on?

169
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:37,965
- What Web sites are you going to?
- What are you guys doing out here?

170
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,700
Obviously we're creating
an accidental bump-in

171
00:06:39,734 --> 00:06:42,035
with our hot new neighbors.
Elevator's on the move.

172
00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:43,904
You got to go. You're too hot.
You'll confuse them.

173
00:06:46,441 --> 00:06:48,408
Yes, well, of course.
It's my garden party,

174
00:06:48,443 --> 00:06:50,644
and Zachary Quinto
is not on the list.

175
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:53,013
Um, you sure
you can handle that, Winston?

176
00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:54,681
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Ooh. Are you sure?

177
00:06:54,716 --> 00:06:56,049
I'm fine. I'm fine.

178
00:06:56,084 --> 00:06:58,318
To the right a little bit.
Up right.

179
00:06:58,353 --> 00:07:00,254
- Son of a bitch.
- Okay. Thank you so much.

180
00:07:00,288 --> 00:07:03,257
We'll get you some nice cold
lemonade after this, okay?

181
00:07:03,291 --> 00:07:04,291
Ooh, be careful.

182
00:07:04,325 --> 00:07:06,226
Oh! Good Lord.

183
00:07:06,261 --> 00:07:08,262
You know what, we don't have
to talk about the future.

184
00:07:08,296 --> 00:07:10,898
- Let's just put this toy together.
- I want to talk about the future.

185
00:07:10,932 --> 00:07:13,267
- Okay. Great. All right.
- I would love to talk about it. Yes, great.

186
00:07:13,301 --> 00:07:15,669
I always thought it would be
cool to be a long-haul trucker.

187
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:18,105
You want to be a long-haul
trucker with a family?

188
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:20,941
No, the family would be
in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing,

189
00:07:20,975 --> 00:07:23,143
you know, if the government
finally steps up.

190
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:25,579
Where is Mars Landing?

191
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,281
Where is Mars Landing?
It's on M... It's on Mars.

192
00:07:27,315 --> 00:07:29,516
It's the American capital of Mars.

193
00:07:29,551 --> 00:07:32,085
And if you don't think
there's gonna be space travel

194
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,021
in the next 20 years,
then you've got your head

195
00:07:34,055 --> 00:07:35,889
buried in sand, girlie.

196
00:07:35,924 --> 00:07:37,624
It's already basically happening.

197
00:07:37,659 --> 00:07:39,726
I always thought
I'd move back to Portland.

198
00:07:39,761 --> 00:07:41,195
Oh. Portland, Earth?

199
00:07:41,229 --> 00:07:42,930
It's like friendly San Francisco.

200
00:07:42,964 --> 00:07:45,065
Slow food, fast bicycles,

201
00:07:45,099 --> 00:07:46,300
great schools...

202
00:07:46,334 --> 00:07:47,701
Education is very important to me.

203
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:48,936
That makes me happy.

204
00:07:48,970 --> 00:07:50,270
It's something we agree on.

205
00:07:50,305 --> 00:07:52,873
- I really want my kids to beg for it.
- What?

206
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,374
'Cause if you force a kid into
school, he's gonna hate it.

207
00:07:54,409 --> 00:07:55,175
Oh, no.

208
00:07:55,210 --> 00:07:56,610
If you make a kid work

209
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:58,478
and sit in the yard
and grind and grind

210
00:07:58,513 --> 00:07:59,313
- and grind...
- What?

211
00:07:59,347 --> 00:08:01,982
eventually, that little kid
is gonna beg for education.

212
00:08:02,016 --> 00:08:03,250
Then you hand it to them

213
00:08:03,284 --> 00:08:05,419
- like the gift that it should be.
- No!

214
00:08:05,453 --> 00:08:06,954
That's why public school's a joke.

215
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:08,488
I'm so hungover

216
00:08:08,523 --> 00:08:10,224
and my body's shutting down

217
00:08:10,258 --> 00:08:13,093
and nothing you're saying
makes any sense.

218
00:08:13,127 --> 00:08:14,094
There is something serious
I have to tell you

219
00:08:14,128 --> 00:08:15,195
about the future.

220
00:08:16,264 --> 00:08:18,966
The name of my firstborn child

221
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,001
has to be Reginald VelJohnson.

222
00:08:21,035 --> 00:08:22,603
I lost a bet to Schmidt.

223
00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:24,104
Reginald VelJohnson?

224
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:26,306
That is non-negotiable.
Unfortunately.

225
00:08:26,341 --> 00:08:27,841
The dad from Family Matters?

226
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:29,176
Well, the actor who plays the dad.

227
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:30,444
The dad is Carl Winslow.

228
00:08:30,478 --> 00:08:31,845
What was the bet on?

229
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,280
I said I could flip a big pancake...

230
00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:34,982
...and I couldn't.

231
00:08:37,986 --> 00:08:40,120
How is this going to work?!

232
00:08:40,154 --> 00:08:41,555
The only upside is

233
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:44,958
the original name
was gonna be Ass Baby,

234
00:08:44,993 --> 00:08:47,661
and I kind of talked my way
out of that one.

235
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,530
All of the guys in this building
are so sweet.

236
00:08:49,564 --> 00:08:50,831
- It's no problem, yeah.
- Couldn't be easier, really.

237
00:08:50,865 --> 00:08:52,199
Just a p...
piece of cake.

238
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,635
We love it.

239
00:08:54,669 --> 00:08:55,783
You know, it was my idea
to help move.

240
00:08:55,943 --> 00:08:58,005
The only reason we're doing this
is because you forced us to.

241
00:08:58,039 --> 00:08:59,306
If we don't help now, we'll look bad.

242
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:00,807
Yeah, now they're gonna think of us

243
00:09:00,842 --> 00:09:02,643
as "nice" and "helpful."
Nightmare.

244
00:09:03,478 --> 00:09:04,311
Hey.

245
00:09:04,345 --> 00:09:05,379
Hey.

246
00:09:05,413 --> 00:09:06,346
Oh, cool!

247
00:09:06,381 --> 00:09:08,248
Uh... your brother?

248
00:09:08,283 --> 00:09:09,349
Actually, it's my boyfriend.

249
00:09:09,384 --> 00:09:12,319
Yet he's not here to help you move.

250
00:09:12,353 --> 00:09:14,188
- He's out of the country.
- Oh!

251
00:09:14,222 --> 00:09:15,656
Afghanistan.
Second tour.

252
00:09:15,690 --> 00:09:17,224
- Ah...
- Oh...

253
00:09:17,258 --> 00:09:18,392
Please thank him for,

254
00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:19,893
- uh, for his service.
- Yeah.

255
00:09:19,928 --> 00:09:21,528
Are you and your boyfriend

256
00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,564
and Michelle and her boyfriend
gonna go on a, like,

257
00:09:23,598 --> 00:09:24,898
double date kind of thing

258
00:09:24,933 --> 00:09:26,300
whenever he gets back
from Afghanistan?

259
00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:27,801
She doesn't have a boyfriend.

260
00:09:27,836 --> 00:09:29,536
She's not really
the relationship type.

261
00:09:29,571 --> 00:09:30,671
- Oh.
- Okay.

262
00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:32,372
I'm just having fun right now.

263
00:09:32,407 --> 00:09:34,274
I feel you. No, I feel you.

264
00:09:34,309 --> 00:09:35,809
Girl, I want to feel you...

265
00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:37,044
And then there was one.

266
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:38,912
May the best man win.

267
00:09:38,947 --> 00:09:40,180
- I am also involved in this.
- Winston, get out of here.

268
00:09:40,215 --> 00:09:41,748
What is your problem?

269
00:09:41,783 --> 00:09:43,383
And then there were three guys...

270
00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:44,751
Here's what I'm saying:

271
00:09:44,786 --> 00:09:48,755
Reginald is way too shy
to beg for an education.

272
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:51,191
He's very sensitive,
and when he's out on the horse,

273
00:09:51,226 --> 00:09:52,893
all he's doing is staring at leaves

274
00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:54,328
and writing poems about them.

275
00:09:54,362 --> 00:09:56,029
Why do I have a horse?
You know how many

276
00:09:56,064 --> 00:09:57,898
people are killed on
a horse every year?

277
00:09:57,932 --> 00:09:59,766
Hey! You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

278
00:09:59,801 --> 00:10:01,401
What I'm saying is,

279
00:10:01,436 --> 00:10:04,938
I'm not gonna take Reginald
out on the damn lake

280
00:10:04,973 --> 00:10:07,407
when you're out on
your space truck...

281
00:10:07,442 --> 00:10:09,343
We're not living by the lake.

282
00:10:09,377 --> 00:10:11,011
Why would I spend my hard-earned

283
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:12,713
truck driver money
on an Earth house?

284
00:10:12,747 --> 00:10:14,515
- You make up so much science fiction...
- Science...

285
00:10:14,549 --> 00:10:16,750
...but you know
nothing about science.

286
00:10:16,785 --> 00:10:18,252
- Do you know what science is?
- Okay, science is more of a belief

287
00:10:18,286 --> 00:10:20,354
- than anything else.
- No. Do you know what science is?

288
00:10:20,388 --> 00:10:21,955
- Yes. What you believe in.
- Have you ever taken a science class?

289
00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:23,557
I've taught two at a community college.

290
00:10:23,591 --> 00:10:25,959
When did you teach science
at a community college?

291
00:10:25,994 --> 00:10:28,228
I made that up. I didn't think
you were gonna fact-check me.

292
00:10:28,263 --> 00:10:29,563
My kids are not gonna

293
00:10:29,597 --> 00:10:31,131
beg for an education, okay?

294
00:10:31,166 --> 00:10:32,633
They're gonna be forced
to go to school

295
00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:34,067
just like everybody else

296
00:10:34,102 --> 00:10:35,702
and they're gonna hate it!

297
00:10:35,737 --> 00:10:38,138
Can I actually be very real
with you for a second?

298
00:10:38,173 --> 00:10:39,807
- Yes.
- Here's what I really believe:

299
00:10:39,841 --> 00:10:42,876
You can create
a plan for your life,

300
00:10:42,911 --> 00:10:45,445
and then crazy things
get thrown at you,

301
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,348
and that, by the way,
is the closest thing

302
00:10:48,383 --> 00:10:50,150
that I have to a plan.

303
00:10:50,185 --> 00:10:52,085
So maybe it's crazy
to talk about being

304
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,954
an intergalactic truck driver.

305
00:10:53,988 --> 00:10:55,189
But what I think is crazier

306
00:10:55,223 --> 00:10:56,757
is trying to plan

307
00:10:56,791 --> 00:10:58,459
every single detail of our future.

308
00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:00,661
I think it's crazy not to.
I just can't

309
00:11:00,695 --> 00:11:02,663
- live that way.
- I guess we just disagree.

310
00:11:02,697 --> 00:11:05,065
Well, we never agree
on anything, ever, Nick.

311
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,233
Why are we doing this
right now, Jess? We're hungover.

312
00:11:07,385 --> 00:11:09,937
Just because I want to know
we're going in the same direction,

313
00:11:09,971 --> 00:11:11,438
- that we're on the same page.
- Yes, we are.

314
00:11:11,473 --> 00:11:13,807
Well, we live on different planets!

315
00:11:13,842 --> 00:11:15,709
Oh... You're talking
about the fake future!

316
00:11:18,713 --> 00:11:20,047
I just...

317
00:11:21,149 --> 00:11:22,950
I guess we want
different things.

318
00:11:22,984 --> 00:11:24,118
Clearly, we do.

319
00:11:24,152 --> 00:11:25,152
- Clearly, we do.
- All right,

320
00:11:25,186 --> 00:11:26,153
so what are you saying?

321
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:27,187
Should we just break up?

322
00:11:41,183 --> 00:11:42,417
Yeah, right.
Like we're just

323
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:43,885
- gonna break up!
- Just break up!

324
00:11:43,919 --> 00:11:45,086
Over what?

325
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,654
You don't like lakes,

326
00:11:46,689 --> 00:11:47,822
I don't like space.
That's okay!

327
00:11:47,856 --> 00:11:49,457
This is not why people break up!

328
00:11:49,491 --> 00:11:51,459
I break up with thee, sir!

329
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:52,694
I break up...

330
00:11:52,728 --> 00:11:53,861
I don't do voices.

331
00:11:53,896 --> 00:11:55,697
I think I'm still drunk.

332
00:11:55,731 --> 00:11:56,864
Let's just get to the party.

333
00:11:56,899 --> 00:11:58,099
- Build this toy and go.
- Yeah.

334
00:11:58,133 --> 00:11:59,334
Let's do it.
We are

335
00:11:59,368 --> 00:12:00,635
an unstoppable toy-building team!

336
00:12:00,669 --> 00:12:02,236
Yes, we are.

337
00:12:02,271 --> 00:12:03,871
Yeah.

338
00:12:03,906 --> 00:12:05,173
All right, well, first hurdle:

339
00:12:05,207 --> 00:12:06,641
the instructions
are written upside-down.

340
00:12:06,675 --> 00:12:09,143
Ah, it's a false alarm.

341
00:12:09,178 --> 00:12:10,645
Okay, hit me.
What do you got?

342
00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:12,380
Okay, take the thing

343
00:12:12,414 --> 00:12:14,215
- that looks like a meth lab
- This thing?

344
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:15,650
...and put it in the thing

345
00:12:15,684 --> 00:12:16,884
that looks like a pipe bomb.

346
00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,820
- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

347
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:20,822
Now we're cooking with gas.

348
00:12:20,856 --> 00:12:22,490
- We're a good team.
- I agree.

349
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:23,491
You know what, Jess...
and if you want to move

350
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:24,759
to Portland in the future,

351
00:12:24,793 --> 00:12:26,094
then we're gonna move to Portland.

352
00:12:26,128 --> 00:12:27,562
You know, we'll live by the lake.

353
00:12:27,596 --> 00:12:28,897
I'll learn to fish,

354
00:12:28,931 --> 00:12:29,998
and me and Reginald will start

355
00:12:30,032 --> 00:12:31,933
a newsletter, you know...

356
00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:33,401
"Lake Father, Lake Son."

357
00:12:33,435 --> 00:12:34,669
And you know what?

358
00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:36,070
If you want to be
a long-haul trucker,

359
00:12:36,105 --> 00:12:37,939
I can deal with that
for six months, tops.

360
00:12:37,973 --> 00:12:39,707
- Yes!
- Um, this piece is a little sticky,

361
00:12:39,742 --> 00:12:41,509
- but I think I can just jam it.
- Ah!

362
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:43,278
- What did you just do, Jess?
- Oh. Well, I put

363
00:12:43,312 --> 00:12:45,079
the swastika in the guillotine.

364
00:12:45,114 --> 00:12:47,081
How is this a children's toy?

365
00:12:47,116 --> 00:12:49,450
Why is it so brittle?

366
00:12:49,485 --> 00:12:50,852
What is that?

367
00:12:50,886 --> 00:12:52,720
I'm not sure what I've been doing.

368
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:54,389
Hey, Michelle.

369
00:12:54,423 --> 00:12:55,623
Hey.

370
00:12:55,658 --> 00:12:57,692
You guys are lifesavers.

371
00:12:57,726 --> 00:12:58,927
You have beautiful taste, by the way.

372
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:00,194
Really. Is this early Californian?

373
00:13:00,229 --> 00:13:01,930
You know, this color, actually,

374
00:13:01,964 --> 00:13:03,398
it symbolizes a woman's fertility.

375
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:05,767
Huh. I was pregnant once.

376
00:13:05,801 --> 00:13:07,402
Cool.

377
00:13:07,436 --> 00:13:08,703
- What-what do you know?
- Yeah.

378
00:13:08,737 --> 00:13:09,771
- Thank you, guys.
- No, thank you.

379
00:13:09,805 --> 00:13:11,372
- So much.
- You bet.

380
00:13:11,407 --> 00:13:13,641
- All right. Talk to you la...
- You see her blink at me?

381
00:13:13,676 --> 00:13:14,642
Wait, you think that was a sex blink?

382
00:13:14,677 --> 00:13:15,877
That wasn't a sex blink.

383
00:13:15,911 --> 00:13:17,212
That was definitely a sex blink, dude.

384
00:13:17,246 --> 00:13:19,147
You would not know a sex blink
if it blinked you in the sex.

385
00:13:19,181 --> 00:13:20,882
- What?
- It's over already, man.

386
00:13:20,916 --> 00:13:22,383
You don't have a shot.

387
00:13:22,418 --> 00:13:25,053
'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins.

388
00:13:25,087 --> 00:13:26,621
You did not just talk about my chicks.

389
00:13:26,655 --> 00:13:28,122
My chicks look great.

390
00:13:28,157 --> 00:13:30,024
Just like me.

391
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,726
I'm saying my chicks

392
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,595
- literally look just like me.
- All of 'em.

393
00:13:33,629 --> 00:13:34,829
In varying color,

394
00:13:34,864 --> 00:13:36,097
but they look like me.

395
00:13:36,131 --> 00:13:37,365
That is super awkward,

396
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,900
and I don't feel like you know what

397
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:40,902
- you're saying right now.
- Whoops!

398
00:13:40,936 --> 00:13:42,403
Oh...
Coach!

399
00:13:42,438 --> 00:13:43,638
Oh, man, I can't believe

400
00:13:43,672 --> 00:13:44,973
you just did that to her vase.

401
00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:47,675
Whoa! Dude!

402
00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:48,943
I will knock you out
where you stand,

403
00:13:48,978 --> 00:13:50,144
and you...
in the ground.

404
00:13:50,179 --> 00:13:51,646
I will pound you from the side!

405
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,348
I will pound you from the back!
That sounded weird.

406
00:13:53,382 --> 00:13:54,983
Once again, Schmidt has found himself

407
00:13:55,017 --> 00:13:57,085
in a position where he is infuriated!

408
00:13:57,119 --> 00:13:58,486
I will fight your face!

409
00:13:58,521 --> 00:14:00,321
I will freak out so hard

410
00:14:00,356 --> 00:14:01,923
on you right now, you don't
even know, on your face.

411
00:14:01,957 --> 00:14:03,124
What are you two...

412
00:14:03,158 --> 00:14:04,859
Oh, my goodness. Guys!

413
00:14:04,894 --> 00:14:07,295
Her study-abroad mirror?

414
00:14:07,329 --> 00:14:08,763
Her dream vase?

415
00:14:08,797 --> 00:14:10,198
Come on, guys.

416
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,768
Have some self-respect.

417
00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:15,537
We're...

418
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:17,005
Hey, Jess?

419
00:14:17,039 --> 00:14:18,673
I don't think that belongs there.

420
00:14:18,707 --> 00:14:20,508
That's why it doesn't fit in.

421
00:14:20,543 --> 00:14:23,344
Well, I don't think this
water bottle goes here, either.

422
00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:24,812
But you put it there.

423
00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:26,447
Well, why did we take
the toy out of the box?

424
00:14:26,482 --> 00:14:28,049
We could have just given
the box to the kid.

425
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,051
What does he know?
He's one.

426
00:14:30,085 --> 00:14:31,706
He eats pennies.
And he poos in his pants.

427
00:14:31,806 --> 00:14:34,052
Because not putting
the toy together is lazy.

428
00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:36,524
- So, if we can't put the toy together...
- I-I know, but it's not gonna fit.

429
00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:37,553
You can't just keep
pushing it because it...

430
00:14:37,723 --> 00:14:38,988
Oh, God.

431
00:14:39,023 --> 00:14:41,629
- Okay, where's the tape?
- Oh, we used all the tape.

432
00:14:41,664 --> 00:14:44,165
- Oh, you used all the tape.
- Yeah, to fix the things that you broke.

433
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,534
- You used a lot of duct tape.
- Actually you broke a lot of pieces.

434
00:14:47,937 --> 00:14:49,737
All right, give it to me.
I'm gonna use a lighter.

435
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:52,340
And I'm gonna melt the plastic.
I'm gonna weld it together.

436
00:14:52,374 --> 00:14:53,741
What? You don't think
that's a good idea?

437
00:14:53,776 --> 00:14:56,211
No, you should, I think
you should try it.

438
00:14:56,245 --> 00:14:58,413
I also like doing Zippo tricks.

439
00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:05,030
- Ow! Aah, I burned my finger!
- What happened?! Are you okay?

440
00:15:05,065 --> 00:15:06,988
Yeah, it's fine.
My skin's a little bubbly.

441
00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:08,656
Well, I knew that was a bad idea.

442
00:15:08,691 --> 00:15:09,657
Then why didn't you say anything?

443
00:15:09,692 --> 00:15:10,992
Why didn't you put the toy together

444
00:15:11,026 --> 00:15:13,328
when I gave it to you two weeks ago?

445
00:15:13,362 --> 00:15:14,896
Because I'm not Santa Claus!

446
00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:16,731
I don't just put toys together

447
00:15:16,765 --> 00:15:18,700
two weeks in advance!
And also,

448
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:21,503
it's none of my business what
they want to do with the toy.

449
00:15:21,537 --> 00:15:22,871
Maybe they want to return it.

450
00:15:22,905 --> 00:15:24,005
Maybe they want to put it

451
00:15:24,039 --> 00:15:25,273
together as a family.

452
00:15:25,307 --> 00:15:27,942
That is not my business.

453
00:15:27,977 --> 00:15:29,644
What do you want from me, Jess?

454
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:31,513
I just want you to take
a little more responsibility.

455
00:15:31,547 --> 00:15:32,847
Just a little bit more.

456
00:15:32,882 --> 00:15:34,682
And I want you to have
a little faith in me!

457
00:15:34,717 --> 00:15:37,018
I've gotten this far in my life.

458
00:15:37,052 --> 00:15:38,553
And I'm doing just fine.

459
00:15:40,122 --> 00:15:41,756
I mean, for the most part.

460
00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:43,057
There's definitely a few
blunders here and there

461
00:15:43,092 --> 00:15:44,859
that we could look past.

462
00:15:44,894 --> 00:15:45,960
Whatever...

463
00:15:45,995 --> 00:15:47,729
The blanket's on fire!

464
00:15:47,763 --> 00:15:49,631
I can see that, Jess.
Go get a bucket.

465
00:15:49,665 --> 00:15:50,732
Where is it? In the kitchen?

466
00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:51,733
No, that's for meat.

467
00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:52,867
We need a different bucket.

468
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:53,868
Oh, right!

469
00:15:53,903 --> 00:15:55,136
The famous meat bucket!

470
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:56,871
You said the meat bucket
was a brilliant idea!

471
00:15:56,906 --> 00:15:58,206
Why would I think an unrefrigerated

472
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,309
bucket of meat was a good idea?!

473
00:16:01,343 --> 00:16:04,712
To taste what meat tasted like
before electricity!

474
00:16:04,747 --> 00:16:06,214
Why would you want that?!

475
00:16:06,248 --> 00:16:07,615
Why did you say it was brilliant!?

476
00:16:07,650 --> 00:16:09,651
Because, Nick...

477
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:12,520
if I was always honest with you...

478
00:16:13,656 --> 00:16:16,491
then we would never stop fighting.

479
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:20,728
- Let's go!
- We have to go!

480
00:16:20,763 --> 00:16:22,230
Wait, my hat!

481
00:16:22,264 --> 00:16:24,766
What?
My hat.

482
00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:29,880
So sorry. I'm sorry.
So sorry. Sorry.

483
00:16:29,914 --> 00:16:31,648
It was uncool.

484
00:16:31,683 --> 00:16:32,883
I'm so sorry!
Do you need...?

485
00:16:32,917 --> 00:16:34,384
Here, do you want...? Oh.

486
00:16:34,419 --> 00:16:36,787
- How did this happen?
- It was Winston's fault.

487
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:37,955
He just ca... he carries
things wrong.

488
00:16:37,989 --> 00:16:39,890
What?!

489
00:16:39,924 --> 00:16:42,626
I have heard just
about enough from you two.

490
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:43,660
What? Ow!

491
00:16:43,695 --> 00:16:45,329
Winston!

492
00:16:45,363 --> 00:16:47,731
Girls, I know you're
both smart enough

493
00:16:47,765 --> 00:16:49,433
to know exactly
who broke your things.

494
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:50,767
It's the same two clowns

495
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,236
who've been trying
to sex Michelle

496
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,171
every which way from Tuesday.

497
00:16:54,205 --> 00:16:55,539
I mean, I ain't gonna lie.
I've been trying

498
00:16:55,573 --> 00:16:57,841
to sex you every which way
from Tuesday myself.

499
00:16:57,876 --> 00:16:59,076
I'd be crazy not to, Michelle.

500
00:16:59,110 --> 00:17:01,011
You're a very beautiful woman.

501
00:17:01,045 --> 00:17:02,646
You have crazy witch eyes,
and I dig it.

502
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,948
You're like a witch!
You know.

503
00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,717
But I'm a good guy.

504
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:10,320
Now, if you'll excuse me,

505
00:17:10,355 --> 00:17:11,922
I have a job to do.

506
00:17:11,956 --> 00:17:14,324
My name is Winston Bishop.

507
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:16,326
Welcome to the building.

508
00:17:16,361 --> 00:17:18,795
Whoa, Winston, I would
not... that's a...

509
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:19,630
- Winston, what are you doing?
- That's a big...

510
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:22,699
- Okay.
- Aah!

511
00:17:22,734 --> 00:17:25,536
- Oh! Whoa!
- Son of a...

512
00:17:25,570 --> 00:17:27,271
Winston, you do know that the
building's on fire, right?

513
00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:29,540
I got this! Move, move!

514
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:30,807
Cece, hey.

515
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:32,309
Oh, hey, um,

516
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,977
I didn't think you would
pick up the phone.

517
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,512
I'll-I'll make this quick.

518
00:17:35,547 --> 00:17:36,947
'Cause I'm sure you hate
talking on the phone.

519
00:17:36,981 --> 00:17:38,715
Oh, I actually do.

520
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:40,317
'Cause I'd much rather,

521
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:41,952
um, talk in person.

522
00:17:41,986 --> 00:17:43,887
You know? Face to face?

523
00:17:43,922 --> 00:17:46,356
What are you doing here?

524
00:17:46,391 --> 00:17:49,059
I just, I was, uh, walking
over here to see you.

525
00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:52,029
Mm-hmm.
And then you called me.

526
00:17:52,063 --> 00:17:54,398
Didn't all those texts
really freak you out?

527
00:17:54,432 --> 00:17:55,866
Oh, no, no, no, no.
They freaked me out.

528
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,467
I thought you were gonna murder me.

529
00:17:57,502 --> 00:18:00,337
You know, I called my mother,
changed my locks.

530
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,339
Then I kind of, you know,
had a change of heart,

531
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,341
and I thought, "Well, you
know, I like this girl."

532
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,976
I'd much rather just come

533
00:18:06,010 --> 00:18:07,477
and look at you with my eyes.

534
00:18:07,512 --> 00:18:08,812
And talk to you with my face.

535
00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:11,481
If you ever got off the damn phone.

536
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,885
- Yeah.
- Right?

537
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,920
- I, mm-hmm. I understand.
- Hi, Cece. How are you?

538
00:18:16,955 --> 00:18:18,455
- Hungover?
- Yes.

539
00:18:18,489 --> 00:18:20,557
Would you like to come
and get some pancakes?

540
00:18:20,592 --> 00:18:21,725
Yeah, I could, I could
use some pancakes.

541
00:18:21,759 --> 00:18:22,726
It's gonna be a bouncy ride.

542
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:23,760
My kangaroo's around the corner.

543
00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,097
But I did bring an extra
helmet. You're lucky.

544
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,401
All right.

545
00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:35,072
Nick, why is this so hard?

546
00:18:35,106 --> 00:18:37,341
I don't want to fight all the time.

547
00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:39,776
I don't know, and it's awful.

548
00:18:41,546 --> 00:18:44,181
Do you ever miss when
we were just friends, Jess?

549
00:18:44,215 --> 00:18:46,083
And there wasn't this pressure

550
00:18:46,117 --> 00:18:47,084
to be together and to be...

551
00:18:47,118 --> 00:18:48,452
- Be different people?
- Yes.

552
00:18:48,486 --> 00:18:50,854
Be different people.

553
00:18:50,889 --> 00:18:52,389
I'm sorry, but I'm not
that guy who's gonna

554
00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:54,558
put the toy together.
That's just not me.

555
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,160
I'm the kind of guy who's
gonna leave it in the box.

556
00:18:56,194 --> 00:18:57,427
I don't want you to be that guy.

557
00:18:57,462 --> 00:18:58,962
I-I want you to be yourself.

558
00:18:58,997 --> 00:19:00,964
I want you to be yourself.

559
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,536
Are we...?

560
00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:07,971
No! I love you!

561
00:19:08,006 --> 00:19:10,307
- Well, I love you, too.
- More than I've ever loved anybody.

562
00:19:10,341 --> 00:19:12,809
But what if that's the only thing
we have in common?

563
00:19:25,757 --> 00:19:28,926
I miss my friend.

564
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,094
I really miss my friend, too.

565
00:19:33,264 --> 00:19:35,766
So, what does that mean?

566
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,701
Are we...?

567
00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:40,003
Yeah.

568
00:19:58,456 --> 00:20:00,691
Earn this.

569
00:20:00,725 --> 00:20:02,459
Was that Saving Private Ryan?

570
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:05,095
It was. It was a hu-huge moment
in that movie.

571
00:20:05,129 --> 00:20:07,297
And I just, I know this is a moment.

572
00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:12,536
So, um, I'll walk you
to your room then, I guess.

573
00:20:58,416 --> 00:21:00,584
- Schmidt is living in my room.
- Schmidt's in your room, yeah.

574
00:21:00,618 --> 00:21:01,585
Yeah.

575
00:21:01,619 --> 00:21:03,687
Do you think I could...?

576
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,522
- Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's cool.

577
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:15,699
Jess?

578
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:18,402
Jess, you didn't have to run away.

579
00:21:18,436 --> 00:21:20,237
I don't know
what you're so afraid of.

580
00:21:20,271 --> 00:21:23,340
It's just a man doing full
downward facing dog in the nude.

581
00:21:23,374 --> 00:21:26,910
It's a couple of testicles
just hanging upside down.

582
00:21:28,713 --> 00:21:31,381
I can hear you laughing in there.

583
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,987
Yeah, you liked it.

584
00:21:34,329 --> 00:21:35,379
You telling Nick about it?

585
00:21:36,961 --> 00:21:37,983
What's he saying?

586
00:21:38,161 --> 00:21:41,386
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com