1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:01,220
Hey, guys.
2
00:00:01,280 --> 00:00:02,400
Bertie's playing it cool,
3
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:04,000
but you guys coming over
for dinner tonight
4
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,900
is a really big deal to her, so...
5
00:00:06,980 --> 00:00:08,760
Be there by 6, and no bailing.
6
00:00:08,860 --> 00:00:10,220
Ooh, bailing on dinner.
7
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,520
Nick, I need you.
8
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:12,730
Wingman sitch.
9
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:13,860
Jewish girl, sensible nose.
10
00:00:13,890 --> 00:00:14,860
High-level target.
11
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:15,890
I can't be your wingman.
12
00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:17,560
We got to go this Bertie dinner.
13
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,030
Don't make it seem
like a chore, okay?
14
00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:20,970
She is making ten or eleven soups.
15
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And all of them are cream-based.
16
00:00:22,970 --> 00:00:24,400
Cool.
17
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,940
Hey, Mom.
18
00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:27,970
Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt.
19
00:00:28,010 --> 00:00:30,540
I know the morning is
the most sensual time of day.
20
00:00:30,580 --> 00:00:32,310
But, um, I need you.
It's your sister.
21
00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,350
Abby? What is it?
22
00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:37,280
She was arrested
at a hotel in San Diego.
23
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,120
How's everything
with your sister?
24
00:00:38,150 --> 00:00:39,690
I mean, she was caught stealing,
25
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,390
they called the cops, it's a mess.
26
00:00:41,420 --> 00:00:43,720
Imagine me next door with a,
with a nice Jewish girl.
27
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,220
- Hey, Jess has a sister?
- Yeah, I've never met her.
28
00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:46,730
I need you to go to the jail,
29
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,460
pick her up
and put her on a plane home.
30
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,560
- Oh, that's fabulous.
- And by the way, um...
31
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,860
I don't know
what kind of jail this is.
32
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:53,400
So be prepared for anything.
33
00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:55,370
I mean, wear a shirt
you don't love-love.
34
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,000
- Okay.
- Love you.
35
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,740
Hi Nick...
36
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:01,370
Okay, here, these are all the
ladles that I could find.
37
00:01:01,410 --> 00:01:04,910
Ooh, this one is deep.
38
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,150
Well, what's up with your sister?
39
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:08,310
Well, she's coming to town.
40
00:01:08,350 --> 00:01:09,310
- Great!
- Ooh, yikes, that's...
41
00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:10,850
The best news ever? I know!
42
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,090
It's so, so, so, so, so, so,
43
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,500
so good.
44
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:20,920
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
45
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,930
Well, I can't wait to meet
the mysterious Abby Day.
46
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,500
Not mysterious.
47
00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:27,730
Jet setter.
48
00:01:27,770 --> 00:01:29,000
You know, I always imagined her
49
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,500
with a French-speaking
black husband,
50
00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:33,010
like a Jerome St. Pierre.
51
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,010
So, I'll probably meet
her at the airport
52
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,640
for a little layover hang.
53
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:36,640
- Why are you ignoring me, Nick?
- 'Cause I'm paying
54
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,780
- Nick!
- attention to my girlfriend.
55
00:01:37,810 --> 00:01:39,610
There, a reaction!
Thank goodness!
56
00:01:39,650 --> 00:01:41,580
Now I know I'm not a ghost.
57
00:01:41,610 --> 00:01:42,950
- All right, I got to go.
- Oh, you're going...?
58
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:44,580
I'll, uh, I-I got to go.
59
00:01:44,620 --> 00:01:45,880
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess!
60
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,290
What if I came with?
61
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,550
Yeah, you know, I don't think
62
00:01:48,590 --> 00:01:50,460
- you two would really get along.
- Why not?
63
00:01:50,490 --> 00:01:52,390
Look, I just haven't seen her
in a really long time, and...
64
00:01:52,430 --> 00:01:54,260
Jess, I'd like to meet your sister.
65
00:01:55,430 --> 00:01:57,230
Why don't we do this? Um...
66
00:01:57,260 --> 00:01:58,800
Why don't I go pick her up? And then
67
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:01,730
come meet us for a quick dinner
before she leaves?
68
00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:04,240
That would be awesome. That's all
I was looking for. - Yeah. Okay.
69
00:02:04,270 --> 00:02:05,970
- Winston, we can't make your dinner!
- Bye, Winston.
70
00:02:06,010 --> 00:02:07,110
- I'm not gonna be with you.
- Wait!
71
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:08,810
No, no, no, no! Wait...
72
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,580
Hey, hey.
73
00:02:10,610 --> 00:02:12,240
Are you really
letting Nick meet Abby?
74
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,310
Hell no. I'm going to
pick her up from jail.
75
00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:16,580
Like, straight-up jail.
76
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:19,250
I told Nick he could meet
her on her "layover"
77
00:02:19,290 --> 00:02:22,650
but, whoops, her flight
got changed. No time. Sorry.
78
00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,920
- Bye, Nick! I'll see you later!
- I'm out of shampoo!
79
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,160
Gonna use bar soap! But your sister
won't know the difference!
80
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:29,260
Okay! Can't wait
for you to meet her!
81
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,630
He's never going to meet her.
82
00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:34,600
Hey, dude. I can't go
83
00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:36,170
to this dinner.
It's a double date now.
84
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,170
Things are already weird enough
between me and Cece.
85
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,440
Because you went on a date
two months ago
86
00:02:39,470 --> 00:02:41,140
and she never texted you?
87
00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:41,670
Yeah.
88
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:45,640
- Be a man, Coach!
- All right.
89
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,410
Be there by 6:00
and bring a bottle of wine.
90
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:51,780
And don't be cheap, either.
Bertie is a Somalian.
91
00:02:51,820 --> 00:02:54,650
Okay.
92
00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:56,420
Oh, tidings, Abigail.
93
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,820
I'm Jess's beau.
My name is Nicholas.
94
00:02:58,860 --> 00:03:00,660
- It's a pleasure to...
- Oh, good God.
95
00:03:00,690 --> 00:03:02,630
- Is that a common barber's comb?
- Look, Schmidt,
96
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,700
I just want to make a good
impression on Jess's sister.
97
00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:06,500
Yeah, well, I want
Julia Child not to be dead,
98
00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:08,300
but here we find ourselves.
99
00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:09,540
What did you come here
to talk to me about?
100
00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:11,140
As I was saying earlier,
101
00:03:11,170 --> 00:03:12,970
I have a very difficult
flirting situation here.
102
00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:15,170
I mean, it's a double
black diamond: trees, moguls.
103
00:03:15,210 --> 00:03:16,610
And, as we both know,
you're the best
104
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:17,880
wingman who's ever wung.
105
00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:19,480
Thank you, Schmidt!
106
00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:20,880
I'm almost glad
I got in the accident
107
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,380
so we can have more days
like this together,
108
00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:23,950
with you helping me
through this.
109
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:27,050
Hocod a guy so rich be
so generous with his time?
110
00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:28,320
Whoa...
111
00:03:28,350 --> 00:03:30,320
Excuse me.
Are you the writer
112
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,630
of So You've Mastered
the Female Orgasm, Now What?
113
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:35,290
- Incredible. Can I have your autograph?
- Of course.
114
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:36,830
Come on, man. It's a quick party.
115
00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:38,200
- I'll have you back by your little dinner.
- Okay, I'll do it,
116
00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:40,870
but as soon as Jess says
I've got to go, I'm out.
117
00:03:40,890 --> 00:03:42,470
Thank you very much.
For your mitigated support
118
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:43,870
and tiny portion of your life.
119
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:45,270
- Sure.
- Okay.
120
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:48,240
Hey, Abby.
121
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,980
Oh, look who came to pick up
her big, bad sister.
122
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:53,850
So, you good to go? Or you gotta
sign yearbooks or something?
123
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,420
Bridget stole your gum.
124
00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:59,420
What? You took
my Fruity Fruit?
125
00:03:59,450 --> 00:04:02,220
I ain't got your
Fruity Fruit, bitch!
126
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,590
- Oh, my God. Oh...
- Gum?
127
00:04:05,730 --> 00:04:07,060
I want my Fruity Fruit!
128
00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:09,390
I ain't got
your Fruity Fruit, bitch!
129
00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:13,530
What about the new guy?
I want to meet him.
130
00:04:13,570 --> 00:04:15,370
We don't really have time to meet
him 'cause I have to take you
131
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,240
to the airport 'cause Mom's
already bought you a ticket.
132
00:04:17,270 --> 00:04:19,740
I know all
of her credit card information,
133
00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,240
- No.
- and I can just change it.
134
00:04:21,270 --> 00:04:23,510
- Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no.
- Sweet.
135
00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:25,540
Why don't you just for once
in your life do something
136
00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:27,380
that you're not supposed to do?
137
00:04:27,410 --> 00:04:29,720
I didn't put the cap back on
the honey bear the other day.
138
00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:31,880
- Drive. Drive. Drive.
- Oh, my God. No! No!
139
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,720
- No! No! I will not drive unsafely!
- Try-try it!
140
00:04:34,750 --> 00:04:37,260
I have a perfect record.
Get your hands away from me.
141
00:04:38,460 --> 00:04:40,290
- Why don't you want me to meet him?
- About.
142
00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:42,290
- Are you embarrassed of me?
- I do. No.
143
00:04:42,330 --> 00:04:44,460
- Great. 'Cause I just got on a later flight.
- That's great.
144
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:47,930
- So excited.
- I know.
145
00:04:47,970 --> 00:04:50,370
Did you just start driving really slow?
146
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,640
No, I actually think I'm speeding.
147
00:04:51,670 --> 00:04:52,900
I hope there's no coppers around.
148
00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:56,240
Drive faster.
149
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,610
Sorry, sir!
Thank you for your service!
150
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,190
- What is this place?
- It's a bar mitzvah.
151
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:08,860
I am not watching
a kid get circumcised.
152
00:05:08,890 --> 00:05:11,160
The target is Rachael.
She's a Hebrew school teacher.
153
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,760
Crashing some random kid's
bar mitzvah's
154
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,330
the best way to get her?
155
00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:16,600
Get her on the dance floor,
a little bit softer now,
156
00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:19,600
a little bit louder now,
sweep her off her feet,
157
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,440
we'll get married,
we'll have a son named Elon.
158
00:05:21,470 --> 00:05:23,610
At his bar mitzvah, I tell
the story of how I met his mom
159
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,780
at this bar mitzvah.
Not a dry eye in the house.
160
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:28,180
Jewiontinuity,
et cetera, et cetera.
161
00:05:28,210 --> 00:05:30,110
Do you realize how long
you were just talking?
162
00:05:30,150 --> 00:05:32,850
There she is. Whew!
163
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,190
- A beautiful piece of hamentaschen.
- What the hell is hamentaschen?
164
00:05:35,220 --> 00:05:37,020
Problem is her dad is my rabbi.
165
00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:39,420
He hates me. So I just need
to charm Rachael
166
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:41,960
before he gets to her and tells
her horrible-slash-true things
167
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:43,130
- about me.
- Absolutely.
168
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:43,990
Oh! Hello!
169
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:46,400
- What a day.
- Oh...
170
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,870
a special day.
Oh, take my hand.
171
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:52,040
- Take your hand.
- A special day.
172
00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:54,100
You just wanted to take my hand so
you could say that again, didn't you?
173
00:05:54,140 --> 00:05:55,610
Mmm, I did.
174
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,370
I don't think we've had
the pleasure of meeting.
175
00:05:57,410 --> 00:06:00,540
May I take your hand, too?
176
00:06:00,580 --> 00:06:02,110
You can take anything you want, Shirley.
177
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,680
So, yeah, just the...
178
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,020
just the two of us with
Bertie and Winston tonight?
179
00:06:09,050 --> 00:06:12,020
Yeah, just, uh...
just-just you and me.
180
00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,520
Uh, and Bertie. And Winston.
181
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,860
- Just... eating night lunch.
- Yeah, like a...
182
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,230
you know, like a date.
But not a date 'cause...
183
00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:21,630
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
184
00:06:21,670 --> 00:06:24,470
So, uh...
185
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,700
- What is that? Is that a onesie?
- Yeah.
186
00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,640
How do you... how do you take it
off to use the bathroom?
187
00:06:29,670 --> 00:06:31,310
Mmm...
188
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,650
Whoa. Nice place.
189
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,780
- Oh, my God!
- Hey!
190
00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:42,150
- You look, you know, amazing.
- You look amazing. Look at you.
191
00:06:42,190 --> 00:06:45,260
Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're
not just paper-thin anymore.
192
00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:48,160
Oh, my God.
You're just the best.
193
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,990
Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa.
194
00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:55,070
- What's going on here? I'm getting
a real vibe. - Nothing.
195
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,330
- No.
- Mmm,
196
00:06:56,370 --> 00:06:58,900
you want to have sex with her,
197
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:01,810
you... are not so sure.
198
00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:06,180
If she doesn't want
to put out, I will.
199
00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:08,350
- ♪ Abby Day ♪
- There you go.
200
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,980
♪ Abby Day, she always says ♪
201
00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:13,250
♪ The most inappropriate stuff. ♪
202
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,190
You a cappella sing at me
one more time,
203
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:16,990
I'll rip that stupid little dress off you
204
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,460
and shove it down your mouth.
205
00:07:18,490 --> 00:07:20,020
Okay, I'm scared of you.
206
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:22,930
♪ Let's go in my room... ♪
Don't hurt me.
207
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,930
Please don't hurt me.
208
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,200
Damn it.
She hasn't called.
209
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:27,160
Will you put please that away?
210
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,370
We're 30 seconds to curtain here.
211
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,000
I don't want to miss a call
from Jess, man.
212
00:07:30,030 --> 00:07:31,640
I need you focused.
Are you ready?
213
00:07:31,670 --> 00:07:34,670
Yes. I distract the rabbi
while you hit on his daughter.
214
00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:35,570
And action. Go.
215
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:38,680
Ugh.
216
00:07:38,710 --> 00:07:39,680
What a spread, huh?
217
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:40,640
- Terrible.
- I agree.
218
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,110
Thank God I have
pizza in my car.
219
00:07:43,150 --> 00:07:45,520
Yeah, that's very funny.
220
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:46,820
What's the matter with you?
That wasn't a joke.
221
00:07:46,850 --> 00:07:48,720
Who has pizza in their car?
222
00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:49,990
Listen, when I make a joke,
223
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,390
you'll know it.
I'm a joke machine.
224
00:07:51,420 --> 00:07:53,390
What are the chances?
I love jokes!
225
00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:55,060
Oh, good, okay.
226
00:07:55,090 --> 00:07:58,860
Uh... Oh, did you hear
the one about the waiter?
227
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:01,900
- No. - Walks up to a table full
of Jewish women and says,
228
00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:04,370
"Ladies, is anything all right?"
229
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,070
Hi.
230
00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:11,210
Rack-hael!
231
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,980
Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.
232
00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:15,810
Oh, thank you!
233
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:19,820
- Uh, Shabbat sha-hello.
- Yeah.
234
00:08:19,850 --> 00:08:23,650
- It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute.
- Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
235
00:08:23,690 --> 00:08:26,020
- How's Hebrew school?
- It's fine. It's the only place
236
00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:28,260
that would hire me after
I got out of rehab.
237
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:32,230
- Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
- 'Cause they're rich people.
238
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:34,200
Yeah, they... well, these
particular Jews happen
239
00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,730
- to be rich, but they worked hard.
- I'm sorry. Hold on...
240
00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:38,900
- Telephone call in the middle
of a punch line? - Hey.
241
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:40,770
- Generation's the worst!
- Hey, what's going on?
242
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:43,610
So Abby's flight is crazy delayed.
243
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,040
Um, so, no time for dinner.
244
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,710
I can come right now, Jess.
245
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:49,850
No. Um, she has, um,
a conference call
246
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,380
with Hong Kong about a...
247
00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:52,850
very important, uh...
248
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,450
fashion business, uh,
venture magazine...
249
00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:57,090
conference.
250
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,560
Well, maybe I'll see her
next time.
251
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,860
Oh, no, no, no, no!
252
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:06,430
You will not speak to my daughter!
253
00:09:06,460 --> 00:09:09,030
Rachael, this man is a nut ball!
254
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:12,300
A nut ball? How dare you!
I'm a goof ball.
255
00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,400
Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball.
256
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,510
You, sir,
are no Sammy Davis, Jr.
257
00:09:17,540 --> 00:09:20,240
- I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball.
- You're bad news. Bad news.
258
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,550
Daddy, I love sex, and he wants
to have sex with me.
259
00:09:23,580 --> 00:09:26,480
Let him!
Oh, I love sex!
260
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,590
Text me. Text me.
261
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:32,120
What was that, man?
262
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,560
Jess is embarrassed of me.
263
00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:34,890
Can you believe that?
264
00:09:34,930 --> 00:09:37,160
What a shanda.
What's a shanda?
265
00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:38,730
A shanda!
266
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,460
What a shanda!
267
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,400
All you care about is Jess.
268
00:09:42,430 --> 00:09:44,330
Remember when we used
to be best friends?
269
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:45,770
Uh, that was neat.
270
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,240
What a neat time
in my life that was.
271
00:09:48,270 --> 00:09:50,170
Hey, Schmidt!
272
00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:52,180
My girlfriend's embarrassed of me.
273
00:09:52,210 --> 00:09:54,410
Can we go on that for a little bit?
274
00:09:54,450 --> 00:09:58,850
Or does the wingman never get
to, you know, flap his wings?
275
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,680
The bird never gets
to be the main bird.
276
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,490
This.
277
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,520
Ugh!
278
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,590
So, I just talked to Nick,
279
00:10:07,630 --> 00:10:09,790
and this is a real
shame in the pants,
280
00:10:09,830 --> 00:10:11,630
but he's not
coming home tonight.
281
00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:14,160
- What? Why?
- He had to hang out with his work friends.
282
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,470
- He can't come and see me?
- Guess it's just us till... the airport.
283
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,000
Mmm.
284
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,040
You see what you're doing, right?
285
00:10:23,070 --> 00:10:24,840
Oh, my God.
286
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,340
Mom.
287
00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:30,110
No! I'm turning into Mom.
How did this happen?
288
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,980
- "Just a little bit."
- "Just a tipple."
289
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,120
- "I don't want to get stoned."
- Hey, I love that
290
00:10:34,150 --> 00:10:36,720
she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned."
291
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:39,120
Oh, my God. Wait.
Big news. Mom got
292
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,830
one of those very, very
small denim backpacks.
293
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:44,360
- What?
- She did, and she calls it her blue guy.
294
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,060
She's, like, "Oh, I got
to grab my blue guy."
295
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:48,500
Can't believe
you're making fun of Mom.
296
00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:49,970
You're her perfect little baby.
297
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,140
I'm... Hey, I'm...
298
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:53,740
I'm not really a baby.
299
00:10:53,770 --> 00:10:55,410
You're a super grownup.
300
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,240
Thank you.
301
00:10:58,610 --> 00:11:01,580
- Oh, my...
- What?
302
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:03,910
I have a picture of Mom
wearing the backpack
303
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:05,720
at her sign language
class graduation.
304
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,650
- Oh.
- You have to see this.
305
00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:09,490
- No.
- It's amazing.
306
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,850
I have it in a photo album.
307
00:11:22,530 --> 00:11:23,930
Ooh, bonus shot of Dad
308
00:11:23,970 --> 00:11:25,900
getting a haircut
while eating spaghetti!
309
00:11:27,810 --> 00:11:30,470
Abby?
310
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,930
Hey, Outside D,
have you seen a girl
311
00:11:36,970 --> 00:11:38,870
that looks like me,
but with chaos in her eyes?
312
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:41,540
Sorry. I'm doing my taxes.
313
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:45,310
Ooh! I'm taking in more
than I'm spending.
314
00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:47,810
Hey.
315
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,710
Hey. How's it going with Abby?
316
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,380
Yeah, you know, we were having
fun for once, and then...
317
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,810
What happened?
318
00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:54,150
Tell me what happened.
319
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,720
I will take care of it for you, baby.
320
00:11:59,490 --> 00:12:00,490
Baby?
321
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,890
I got this.
322
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:05,460
I got this myself. Thanks.
323
00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:06,990
Quick question.
324
00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,830
Is pee-pee a write-off?
325
00:12:12,870 --> 00:12:14,400
Hey.
326
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,970
Not sure my body's
built for these chairs.
327
00:12:17,010 --> 00:12:19,140
It's a regular chair, man.
328
00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:21,140
Yeah.
329
00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:22,640
Hey, bub.
330
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,310
How you doing?
331
00:12:24,350 --> 00:12:27,010
Well, I want to apologize.
332
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:29,080
Sorry I got distracted.
333
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,480
It's okay.
334
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,020
I'm sorry
your girlfriend hates you.
335
00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:33,490
Ah, she doesn't hate me.
336
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,090
She's just ashamed
of me or something.
337
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,920
Well, you know what?
338
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,930
If she's really ashamed
of you, then...
339
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,260
then she's the stupidest bitch
in the whole wide world.
340
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,200
- Easy. Okay, slow down.
- I apologize if I went overboard.
341
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,670
- Water under the bridge.
- I've never been ashamed.
342
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:48,170
Wish I could have helped
you get that girl, man.
343
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,570
Feel like I blew it.
344
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,040
Well, she was kind of nutty.
345
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:52,770
What happened to us, man?
346
00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:54,880
We used to be
the best in the biz.
347
00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:57,040
We still are.
348
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,780
I'm the best wingman
that's ever wung.
349
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,450
- Make a plan?
- Absolutely.
350
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,990
You're my brother.
351
00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:11,360
Thank you.
Charge that to room 304.
352
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:12,760
Ah!
353
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:14,630
You! Charge that to nothing.
354
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:16,060
She's checking out.
355
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,500
Adding this hotel
to your rap sheets?
356
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,770
You found me.
357
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,730
- Oh, yeah.
- Don't you want to know why I left?
358
00:13:20,770 --> 00:13:24,140
You saw my text,
and I'm... I'm honestly sorry,
359
00:13:24,170 --> 00:13:27,580
but... you do ruin everything!
360
00:13:27,610 --> 00:13:30,210
Whoa. Thought I was gonna
turn the tables with that one.
361
00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:31,950
Get your ass in the car.
I'm taking you to the airport.
362
00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:33,480
Thought we could share
some calamari.
363
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,820
- Now!
- Kobe beef sliders?
364
00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:36,280
- Now...!
- Lobster quesadilla?
365
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,090
Right now.
366
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,960
This is a great...
367
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,230
Mmm.
368
00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:55,140
You know, Bertie had a dream
369
00:13:55,170 --> 00:13:56,500
she killed me.
370
00:13:57,940 --> 00:13:59,740
So, uh, Coach, what's new?
371
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:01,210
Nothing.
372
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,340
Isn't that right, Cece?
373
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:03,980
Hmm?
374
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,850
What's that supposed to mean?
375
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,180
Oh, you'll figure it out.
376
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:09,820
If not, just text me.
377
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,150
Or don't. You're good at that.
378
00:14:11,190 --> 00:14:12,350
Oh, my God.
379
00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:14,320
Okay. We made out
380
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:15,820
once, pointlessly, for two hours.
381
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:17,320
That's it.
382
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:18,630
Get over it. Let it go.
383
00:14:18,660 --> 00:14:20,430
Pointless... was it?
384
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,130
- Yeah.
- I mean, who does that?!
385
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,500
Super-hot make out, and then,
you ice me out for two months.
386
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:28,040
What are you talking about?!
Ice out what?
387
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:30,640
You text me, "Happy Monday."
What do I do with that?
388
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,110
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe have a happy Monday.
389
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,440
Going out with you
390
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,840
was the hottest
391
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,710
and dumbest mistake I ever made!
392
00:14:37,750 --> 00:14:39,150
It was the hottest, dumbest,
393
00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:42,320
sexiest mistake I ever made.
It was so dumb of me
394
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:44,450
to pick you up and press
you up against that wall.
395
00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:48,060
So dumb how cool those bricks
made my skin feel.
396
00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:50,460
You guys should try
the fisherman's bisque.
397
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,060
Has just the right amount of tang.
398
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:54,200
- That tang?
- Mm.
399
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:56,030
That's tang.
400
00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:58,300
Okay.
401
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:00,300
- Whoa! Whoa. Okay.
- Sorry. I was trying... I was trying to...
402
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:01,540
Just gonna pivot a little bit more
403
00:15:01,570 --> 00:15:03,400
- to the side. Yeah.
- Yeah, just pivot?
404
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,070
No, okay, look,
I think the way it was...
405
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:07,310
...was more...
I was up, right?
406
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,580
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up.
- That's-that's how it was... yeah, up.
407
00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:13,020
- Just... Okay.
- All right. Now what do we do?
408
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,920
Maybe just, like, lower your center
of gravity, and then this is gonna work.
409
00:15:14,950 --> 00:15:19,090
Just lower it down,
I'm gonna clench my thighs.
410
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,590
- I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall...
- I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can.
411
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,190
- Okay, okay.
- What? Oh. Geez.
412
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:26,490
- Oh!
- Geez.
413
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:29,800
That was... awful.
414
00:15:29,830 --> 00:15:31,000
- That was the worst.
- Oh, my gosh.
415
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:33,370
- Wow, what is happening?
- Oh, Lord.
416
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,740
Maybe you were right not to
text me back, 'cause that was...
417
00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:37,540
embarrassing.
418
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,610
- I'm sorry.
- No, that's cool.
419
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,410
Can we just be friends now?
You know?
420
00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:46,850
Yeah. I mean, why not?
421
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,420
Friends?
422
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:50,780
Friends.
423
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:52,350
Friends.
424
00:15:52,390 --> 00:15:54,260
Come here, you.
425
00:15:54,290 --> 00:15:55,760
- Oh, oh!
- Aah! Sorry.
426
00:15:55,790 --> 00:15:58,590
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Literally just bit my tooth.
427
00:15:58,630 --> 00:16:02,060
- I'm sorry, when I get excited
my teeth come out. - Who does that?
428
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,860
- Sorry.
- I think I broke my tooth.
429
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,030
Let me see?
430
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:06,400
Oh.
431
00:16:09,370 --> 00:16:10,740
Okay.
432
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,410
Go straight to the gate.
433
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,240
Look... I get why
you're mad at me.
434
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,910
Okay? But if it's
any consolation,
435
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,580
I'm a woman in my 30s
about to get on a plane
436
00:16:20,620 --> 00:16:22,350
to go live with my mother.
437
00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:24,180
It's only a matter of time
438
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:26,590
before I have a tiny
denim backpack, too.
439
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,720
I said I would never
go back to Portland.
440
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,330
So I guess I'm a complete failure.
441
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:37,730
I'm the baby.
442
00:16:49,820 --> 00:16:52,880
Is this the craziest thing that's going on
in the airport? Really?
443
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,140
Okay, recap, you hit
the dance floor, and...
444
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:57,540
Do what I do best,
be an embarrassment.
445
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,100
Well, it's a gift, Nick.
I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah.
446
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:02,060
What do you say, just get out there
and do some weird dancing?
447
00:17:02,180 --> 00:17:03,780
- It's got to be bigger than that, man.
- Bigger than that?
448
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,460
Then I come out there and I...
449
00:17:05,490 --> 00:17:06,630
...knock you out.
It's all right.
450
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,130
Again, it'll be a stage punch.
451
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,130
Don't worry.
I've done several productions
452
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,130
...of West Side Story.
453
00:17:11,170 --> 00:17:12,170
I know. You told me.
454
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,800
As a Puerto Rican Shark.
♪ Da, da. ♪
455
00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:14,900
- That's cool.
- It was awesome.
456
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:16,640
You never came
and saw it, but...
457
00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:18,670
- Well, I was very busy at that time.
- Whatever, never mind.
458
00:17:18,710 --> 00:17:20,260
The rabbi will then come out,
he'll thank me,
459
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:21,840
- the hero...
- Gotcha.
460
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,010
He'll offer me his daughter's
hand, then, five years from now,
461
00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:27,180
Rachael is pregnant with Elon's
little sister and we're having
462
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:29,850
a beautiful family New Year's
then in our vacation condo
463
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,920
- in the Florida Keys. - You're doing it
again, you're talking in speeches.
464
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:35,080
You've been monologuing,
lately, Schmidt.
465
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,040
Do you s... Do you,
do you hear yourself?
466
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:38,200
- I-I'm unaware of it.
- You... Okay.
467
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,720
I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause
I respect you and you're one of...
468
00:17:39,780 --> 00:17:40,920
- I'm unaware of it.
- But, like, it's weird.
469
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,940
- I apologize. I'll stop doing it.
- Okay.
470
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,930
- Hey.
- Yeah?
471
00:17:44,970 --> 00:17:46,870
Light this cannon up
so I can shoot off.
472
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:52,170
Oh!
473
00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:55,040
Well, well, well,
it's a snake in the grass.
474
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,280
How you doing?
My name's Nick.
475
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,350
You know martial arts?
476
00:17:59,380 --> 00:18:00,950
Swear to God you don't?
477
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,780
You run around
with this hunk anymore,
478
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:05,120
this little surfer cat.
479
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:06,650
I know your game.
480
00:18:06,690 --> 00:18:08,790
Charming the ladies
with your baby blue eyes.
481
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:10,320
I wish I had 'em.
482
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,790
Breaking my heart, beautiful.
483
00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:15,700
What?
484
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,800
And I all do is love you.
I give and I give.
485
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:21,970
I been working for 40 years
at the steel mill for you.
486
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,080
We just met.
487
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,970
I want to rip that blouse
off you and put it on me.
488
00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:29,880
- Oh, wow.
- I want to wear your lipstick.
489
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:33,310
- Well, that's interesting.
- I want to rip those earrings off
490
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:35,980
and put 'em on and
I want to be the girl!
491
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:38,080
That would be wonderful.
492
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:42,360
But I won't do it around
all these crazy Jews.
493
00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:44,360
And I don't care who's watching.
I want what I want.
494
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,590
Ooh!
495
00:18:52,270 --> 00:18:54,530
- Unhand her, sir.
- Whoa, what is... Hey, man.
496
00:18:54,570 --> 00:18:56,300
That's my mother!
497
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:57,400
Ooh!
498
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,040
You okay?
499
00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:00,440
Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum.
500
00:19:00,470 --> 00:19:03,100
Would you like to date my daughter?
She's available.
501
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,750
Oh, great, yeah, tell the
whole room that I'm available.
502
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,680
I'm not telling the whole room.
I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum.
503
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,980
- A doctor.
- No, I got that.
504
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,120
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
505
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,460
I like your glass...
What happened to your eye?
506
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,490
I got beat up at a bar mitzvah.
507
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:22,560
And I know that's
embarrassing, and I know
508
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,130
you're too embarrassed of me
to introduce me to your sister.
509
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:26,800
- What?
- And I get that, Jess.
510
00:19:26,830 --> 00:19:29,770
- Nick, that's not at all what...
- You know what?
511
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,320
There is something I just
cannot shake,
512
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,040
I been tossing
and turning all night long.
513
00:19:33,140 --> 00:19:35,540
We literally have been apart for like
15 seconds, man. Get out of here.
514
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:38,040
I am your wingman now, Nick,
because it-it takes two wings...
515
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,050
- Don't do this.
- ...for a, for a bird to dance.
516
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,600
- Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.
- I agree.
517
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,390
And I don't know why on earth
you would be embarrassed of him.
518
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:48,050
- Don't... I told him not...
- Excuse me?
519
00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:49,590
I don't understand where
this is coming from.
520
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:51,160
I am not embarrassed of Nick,
521
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,430
- not at all.
- For real?
522
00:19:52,460 --> 00:19:54,090
- No.
- Well, that's great news.
523
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:55,760
I'm glad that's out of the way.
Fantastic.
524
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,960
I'll see you guys for brunch.
525
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,400
Why would you think that?
526
00:20:00,430 --> 00:20:03,900
- She's embarrassed of me. Oh, hello.
- Oh, hey.
527
00:20:03,940 --> 00:20:04,940
- This is, um...
- I'm Abby.
528
00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,910
- Abby.
- Hi.
529
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,100
Mom was right.
530
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,080
- He does have an uptown butt.
- What?
531
00:20:10,110 --> 00:20:13,010
- I'd like to put that butt in ski pants.
- What does that mean?
532
00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:14,410
- Nothing.
- Everything.
533
00:20:14,450 --> 00:20:16,480
- Come on, Abby.
- Oh, come on.
534
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:17,980
Jess, I'm putting my
stuff in your room.
535
00:20:18,020 --> 00:20:19,120
So that mean you guys
536
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:21,290
are gonna stay in your room.
537
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,560
- Thank me later.
- All right.
538
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,600
Well, she is just a delight.
539
00:20:29,380 --> 00:20:31,330
So I might have told
540
00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:33,830
a few lies about my sister.
541
00:20:33,870 --> 00:20:35,500
She's a total train wreck,
and she was in jail.
542
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,440
Well, look, why lie? You know
how many Millers have been
543
00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,110
or are currently in jail?
544
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:42,040
I get it. It's just, she's such a...
545
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,740
I can hear you.
546
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:48,010
- Complicated person.
- Right.
547
00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:49,520
Anyway.
548
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:50,850
She needs me.
549
00:20:50,890 --> 00:20:51,890
Right.
550
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,190
Can she stay with us?
551
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:54,890
Yeah, of course.
How-how long?
552
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,020
A few weeks.
553
00:20:56,060 --> 00:20:58,220
- Few weeks.
- A month, tops.
554
00:20:58,260 --> 00:20:59,830
Six months, super tops.
555
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,060
- Six months.
- Just till I get on my feet.
556
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,900
Oh. What's your address?
557
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,170
In case I want to get any "deliveries."
558
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,000
I'm not telling you.
559
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,370
I'm not telling you, I'm n...
560
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,570
"Deliveries?" No.
561
00:21:11,610 --> 00:21:13,870
Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no.
562
00:21:13,910 --> 00:21:14,910
Depends what you want "delivered."
563
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:16,940
I'll figure it out.
564
00:21:20,450 --> 00:21:21,680
Well...
565
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,590
I love you.
566
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,400
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