1
00:00:01,530 --> 00:00:02,830
That's so cute!
♪ Bum, bum, bum!

2
00:00:02,865 --> 00:00:04,098
Birthday Eve Cocktail.

3
00:00:04,133 --> 00:00:07,035
Oh, my God. You're my favorite
bartender. Thank you!

4
00:00:09,171 --> 00:00:12,140
Oh, my God. What is that?

5
00:00:12,174 --> 00:00:14,108
Is it not good? I'm still
learning how to make drinks.

6
00:00:14,143 --> 00:00:16,844
I'm better at shots.
Want a birthday shot?

7
00:00:16,879 --> 00:00:18,947
I think I'm good.

8
00:00:18,981 --> 00:00:20,648
So, any special birthday plans?

9
00:00:20,683 --> 00:00:23,084
No, she's just gonna go
to the movies alone, as usual.

10
00:00:23,118 --> 00:00:25,086
No, I'm not, actually.
Uh, this year...

11
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,256
Nick asked me
to spend the day with him.

12
00:00:28,290 --> 00:00:29,757
That's so sweet. I mean,
what are you gonna do?

13
00:00:29,792 --> 00:00:31,125
Something special?

14
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:32,827
Maybe. You know,
whatever Nick wants to do.

15
00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:34,495
I'm not really a birthday person.

16
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:37,999
- Please. - I do have a lot
of expectations for people.

17
00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:40,301
- Happy birthday.
- Oh, my God.

18
00:00:44,373 --> 00:00:46,107
"Made in China"?!

19
00:00:46,141 --> 00:00:48,476
Are you taking me to China?!

20
00:00:49,712 --> 00:00:51,613
And that's why, a long time ago,

21
00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:54,682
I decided that I would spend
my birthday alone at the movies.

22
00:00:54,717 --> 00:00:56,851
It's just... safer, you know?

23
00:00:56,885 --> 00:00:59,988
No getting your hopes up,
no getting let down.

24
00:01:00,022 --> 00:01:01,723
Well, I know how you feel
about movies.

25
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:04,659
I mean, my parents took me
to see Witness

26
00:01:04,693 --> 00:01:06,361
and then they never came back.

27
00:01:06,395 --> 00:01:08,363
- What? - I can really quote
that movie though.

28
00:01:08,397 --> 00:01:10,898
"Be careful out
among them English."

29
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,134
But enough about me!

30
00:01:13,168 --> 00:01:14,969
I am talking your ear off, lady,

31
00:01:15,004 --> 00:01:16,304
and it's your birthday.

32
00:01:16,338 --> 00:01:18,206
This year's gonna be different.

33
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,308
Maybe Nick has something big
planned, maybe not.

34
00:01:20,342 --> 00:01:22,176
I'm gonna be chill.

35
00:01:22,211 --> 00:01:23,578
No expectations.

36
00:01:23,612 --> 00:01:25,580
Low maintenance.
No maintenance.

37
00:01:25,614 --> 00:01:26,914
I'm just gonna be
one of those...

38
00:01:26,949 --> 00:01:28,549
cool girlfriends,
like in the movies.

39
00:01:28,584 --> 00:01:30,652
She just, like, has bed head
and she wears,

40
00:01:30,686 --> 00:01:33,388
like, men's shirts and
she's just like, "Yeah, cool.

41
00:01:33,422 --> 00:01:35,890
"I'll wear, like, men's shirts
and, like, sneakers and stuff.

42
00:01:35,924 --> 00:01:37,892
And, like, I don't care
about how I look."

43
00:01:39,528 --> 00:01:41,829
Hey. Hey.

44
00:01:41,864 --> 00:01:44,699
She has no idea about the party.

45
00:01:46,935 --> 00:01:48,736
Uh, Winston's STD-free.

46
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:54,242
- Whew! It was a close call. Yeah.
- Yeah.

47
00:01:54,276 --> 00:01:56,010
Yeah. Yeah.

48
00:01:56,045 --> 00:01:58,613
Close call, y'all.

49
00:01:58,647 --> 00:02:00,715
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

50
00:02:00,749 --> 00:02:02,844
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

51
00:02:03,721 --> 00:02:06,735
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

52
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:08,856
Do you guys
know how hard it's been

53
00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:10,958
for me to keep this party
a secret?

54
00:02:10,993 --> 00:02:13,461
Nick, it's been an inspiration,
and that's why we're

55
00:02:13,495 --> 00:02:14,929
gonna help you cross
that finish line, okay?

56
00:02:14,963 --> 00:02:16,064
This is our Rudy.

57
00:02:16,098 --> 00:02:17,432
Very condescending
but thank you.

58
00:02:17,466 --> 00:02:19,367
Right on.
All right, team check-in.

59
00:02:19,401 --> 00:02:20,802
Coach, where we at
with decorations?

60
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,136
- I forgot.
- Wait, what?

61
00:02:22,171 --> 00:02:24,572
Psych! I'm the
best at stuff.

62
00:02:24,606 --> 00:02:27,942
I don't forget stuff.
First place!

63
00:02:27,976 --> 00:02:29,877
Wait. Why are you
first place?

64
00:02:29,912 --> 00:02:31,612
I dominated
on cake patrol.

65
00:02:31,647 --> 00:02:33,047
And thank you
for getting that cake.

66
00:02:33,082 --> 00:02:34,482
You don't have to add
the "patrol."

67
00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:36,250
Decorations beats cake.

68
00:02:36,285 --> 00:02:38,953
Uh, no. Cake definitely
beats decorations.

69
00:02:38,987 --> 00:02:41,889
- Oh, really? Let's do a word association
game, okay? - Yeah. I'm in, I'm in.

70
00:02:41,924 --> 00:02:44,559
- Birthday.
- Decorations. Wait, what'd I say?

71
00:02:44,593 --> 00:02:46,561
Okay, Schmidt, are you ready
to transport all electronics

72
00:02:46,595 --> 00:02:48,096
to the party venue?

73
00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:50,498
By "electronics," you mean
this itty-bitty flash drive

74
00:02:50,532 --> 00:02:53,134
that I can fit in my pocket
and that is light as air?

75
00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:54,569
I need a verbal confirmation.

76
00:02:54,603 --> 00:02:56,637
You insult me. Yes.

77
00:02:56,672 --> 00:02:58,573
Cece, you ready to cover
my shift tomorrow with Mike?

78
00:02:58,607 --> 00:03:00,341
Born ready. Yes.

79
00:03:00,376 --> 00:03:02,577
Oh. You're giving your Saturday
to Cece?

80
00:03:02,611 --> 00:03:05,747
That's cool.
That's really wonderful.

81
00:03:05,781 --> 00:03:07,949
Can you tell
I'm being sarcastic?

82
00:03:07,983 --> 00:03:09,617
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, it's pretty clear. - I'm ready.

83
00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:10,952
You set fire to soda water.

84
00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:12,286
Who does that?

85
00:03:12,321 --> 00:03:13,521
How do you even possibly do that?

86
00:03:13,555 --> 00:03:14,956
It's not a flammable thing.

87
00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:16,924
It's not even...
Are you a witch?

88
00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:18,292
Mike...

89
00:03:18,327 --> 00:03:20,762
I hate all of you
hipsters so much...

90
00:03:20,796 --> 00:03:22,330
Okay, and I'm gonna be
on Jess Watch.

91
00:03:22,364 --> 00:03:23,831
I'm gonna make sure
she doesn't see anything

92
00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:25,600
that will ruin the surprise
of this party

93
00:03:25,634 --> 00:03:28,202
that has taken everything
from me,

94
00:03:28,237 --> 00:03:30,638
emotionally and physically
and financially.

95
00:03:30,672 --> 00:03:31,639
So what do you have
planned for the day?

96
00:03:31,673 --> 00:03:34,142
A big surprise party.

97
00:03:34,176 --> 00:03:35,777
Next.

98
00:03:35,811 --> 00:03:37,545
Right, but before then.

99
00:03:37,579 --> 00:03:41,682
The party's at 7:00. What do you
have planned b-before that?

100
00:03:41,717 --> 00:03:44,051
- Wait...
- Nick, you need a plan, okay?

101
00:03:44,086 --> 00:03:47,288
I don't care what Jess says.
She's going to expect something.

102
00:03:47,322 --> 00:03:49,657
I have to plan a birthday
before the birthday?

103
00:03:49,691 --> 00:03:51,159
The whole day is the birthday.
This is a very big deal.

104
00:03:51,193 --> 00:03:53,294
This is your first birthday
together as a couple.

105
00:03:53,328 --> 00:03:56,564
All right, you know what?
It's gonna be okay.

106
00:03:56,598 --> 00:04:00,067
It's her birthday. That girl's
gonna want to sleep in.

107
00:04:00,102 --> 00:04:02,737
My day is not starting
till noon.

108
00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:09,577
This is the time
I was born.

109
00:04:09,611 --> 00:04:12,180
I'm wide awake.

110
00:04:12,214 --> 00:04:16,217
It's my birthday.

111
00:04:19,757 --> 00:04:21,558
My day started earlier
than I thought.

112
00:04:21,592 --> 00:04:24,294
I got to slow down breakfast.

113
00:04:24,328 --> 00:04:26,863
What's going on with you guys?
Nick, first of all, blessings.

114
00:04:26,897 --> 00:04:29,065
Um, second of all,
there may have been

115
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,834
a possible mix-up
with the cake.

116
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:31,935
Possibly.

117
00:04:31,969 --> 00:04:34,804
"See You in Hell, Boomer"?
Oh, my God

118
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,407
What part of you thought
this was Jess's cake?

119
00:04:37,441 --> 00:04:38,975
I thought it was an inside joke.

120
00:04:39,009 --> 00:04:41,211
- I'll do the cake.
- No, I am the cake patrol.

121
00:04:41,245 --> 00:04:42,812
Both of you do the cake.

122
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,347
I'm considering
this problem solved.

123
00:04:44,381 --> 00:04:46,416
Hey, speaking of problems,
do you want me to go check up

124
00:04:46,450 --> 00:04:48,251
on Cece at the bar today?
I don't think that's necessary.

125
00:04:48,285 --> 00:04:50,753
All right, I'll do it.
But you owe me one, bro.

126
00:04:50,788 --> 00:04:53,189
I need to make
a 90-minute omelet.

127
00:04:54,592 --> 00:04:57,727
I love my birthday breakfast.

128
00:04:57,761 --> 00:04:59,229
I can't believe you were gonna
make this all yourself.

129
00:04:59,263 --> 00:05:00,864
It would've taken you hours.

130
00:05:00,898 --> 00:05:02,832
I know. And with your help,
it took six minutes.

131
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,567
I know. I'm so fast.

132
00:05:04,602 --> 00:05:06,736
What do you say
we go into my bedroom

133
00:05:06,770 --> 00:05:08,872
and, uh, slow things down?

134
00:05:08,906 --> 00:05:10,773
Ooh.

135
00:05:10,808 --> 00:05:12,609
Wow.

136
00:05:12,643 --> 00:05:15,278
That's the fastest
it's ever taken.

137
00:05:15,312 --> 00:05:17,514
I know. You just look
very pretty.

138
00:05:19,150 --> 00:05:21,217
So, you want to take
a long nap?

139
00:05:21,252 --> 00:05:23,553
Oh. Um...

140
00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:25,955
If that's what you
have planned, then, yes,

141
00:05:25,990 --> 00:05:27,457
let's take a long nap.

142
00:05:27,491 --> 00:05:30,960
Perfect. Maybe for,
like, six, seven hours?

143
00:05:32,062 --> 00:05:33,163
Hmm...

144
00:05:33,197 --> 00:05:35,131
It's just
such a nice day outside...

145
00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:37,133
Yeah. Um, so let's take, uh...

146
00:05:37,168 --> 00:05:39,769
let's take this party outside.

147
00:05:39,803 --> 00:05:42,772
- Sure.
- Next up on the agenda is...

148
00:05:42,806 --> 00:05:44,240
it's lunch.

149
00:05:44,275 --> 00:05:45,775
It's 8:30 in the morning.

150
00:05:45,809 --> 00:05:47,977
Oh, my God, it's so early.

151
00:05:52,283 --> 00:05:53,716
What are you doing here, Schmidt?

152
00:05:53,751 --> 00:05:55,585
Nick thought
you might need some help.

153
00:05:55,619 --> 00:05:56,953
Yeah, well, I don't, okay?

154
00:05:56,987 --> 00:05:58,454
So... you can go.

155
00:05:58,489 --> 00:05:59,722
Maybe I'll just stay
for a little bit.

156
00:05:59,757 --> 00:06:01,457
Double-tap some Insta-G's.

157
00:06:01,492 --> 00:06:03,893
Okay.

158
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,562
Oh, hey, Mike.

159
00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:07,597
I cleaned the glasses.

160
00:06:07,631 --> 00:06:10,166
Oh, wow, a bunch of broken
glass in the ice tub.

161
00:06:10,201 --> 00:06:12,669
- That'll be fun for me to clean up.
- I'm sorry. Um...

162
00:06:12,703 --> 00:06:14,304
I'm not gonna cover
for you like Nick does, okay?

163
00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:16,239
I promise you that.
And don't make eyes at me

164
00:06:16,273 --> 00:06:18,608
because it's not gonna work
because I'm super gay.

165
00:06:18,642 --> 00:06:19,809
When I look at you,
I just see...

166
00:06:19,843 --> 00:06:21,578
You know, it's fine,

167
00:06:21,612 --> 00:06:22,912
but it's bumpy, it's creepy.

168
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:24,814
Eh.

169
00:06:24,848 --> 00:06:26,115
Doesn't do anything.
It's like...

170
00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:27,750
looking at this, it's like a...

171
00:06:27,785 --> 00:06:30,353
it's-it's-it's-it's-it's...
it's not o...

172
00:06:30,387 --> 00:06:32,455
it's not a good...
it's not good.

173
00:06:32,489 --> 00:06:36,192
- Okay.
- This, all this, everything you got, eh.

174
00:06:36,227 --> 00:06:39,295
Three out of... six.

175
00:06:40,798 --> 00:06:43,132
Damn shame
about that cake, Winston.

176
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:46,269
Looks like someone dominated
their party task.

177
00:06:46,303 --> 00:06:48,471
"Coach, where are
all the kazoos?"

178
00:06:48,505 --> 00:06:50,707
All over your face.

179
00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:52,542
I'll pick those up.

180
00:06:52,576 --> 00:06:54,811
Or maybe in my spare time...

181
00:06:54,845 --> 00:06:56,646
I'll make a cake.

182
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,117
Just back off, Coach.

183
00:07:01,151 --> 00:07:02,652
What's up, Nick?

184
00:07:02,686 --> 00:07:03,953
- How's the cake situation?
- Cake's good.

185
00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,221
Can I just see the phone?

186
00:07:05,256 --> 00:07:06,422
- Can I see the phone really quick? Got it.
- Dude, get...

187
00:07:06,457 --> 00:07:07,790
Hey. Cake's good, man.
I'm on top of it.

188
00:07:07,825 --> 00:07:09,626
So, how's your plan
working out?

189
00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:11,661
Okay, I have no plan.
I'm just winging it, okay?

190
00:07:11,695 --> 00:07:13,296
I panicked
and took her to a drugstore.

191
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:15,198
She's getting
a free diabetes test.

192
00:07:15,232 --> 00:07:16,866
I don't know where to take her.
Is it safe to bring her home?

193
00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:19,869
- Hey.
- Oh! The birthday girl!

194
00:07:19,903 --> 00:07:22,305
I got the test.
My blood sugar is normal.

195
00:07:22,339 --> 00:07:24,207
Already? You did that...
all that already?

196
00:07:24,241 --> 00:07:27,143
- Yeah.
- Birthday girl gets, all your favorite...

197
00:07:27,177 --> 00:07:29,579
Next activity.

198
00:07:29,613 --> 00:07:31,047
I see what you're
trying to do here, man.

199
00:07:31,081 --> 00:07:32,015
You're trying to show me up.

200
00:07:32,049 --> 00:07:34,050
What are you talking
about, Bish?

201
00:07:34,084 --> 00:07:35,852
I'm referring to basketball.

202
00:07:35,886 --> 00:07:38,321
When we used to play back in the
day, no matter how open I was,

203
00:07:38,355 --> 00:07:40,323
you never passed me the ball,
you never let me shoot.

204
00:07:40,357 --> 00:07:42,392
You just couldn't
stand to let me shine.

205
00:07:42,426 --> 00:07:45,328
Your nostrils are flaring
so much right now,

206
00:07:45,362 --> 00:07:47,730
it's distracting.

207
00:07:47,765 --> 00:07:49,599
I'm done letting you
run the court.

208
00:07:49,633 --> 00:07:51,434
I'm building my own court.

209
00:07:51,468 --> 00:07:55,338
And it's gonna be bigger
and yummier than yours.

210
00:07:55,372 --> 00:07:57,573
Are you challenging me
to a bake-off, Bish?

211
00:07:57,608 --> 00:08:00,376
Yes, I am challenging
you to a bake-off.

212
00:08:00,411 --> 00:08:02,845
Okay. Well, then, I'll...
do the countdown.

213
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,348
You know what? I'll do
the countdown then.

214
00:08:05,382 --> 00:08:07,684
The countdown begins

215
00:08:07,718 --> 00:08:09,585
when this timer goes off.

216
00:08:15,092 --> 00:08:17,360
You set the timer
for 20 minutes.

217
00:08:20,664 --> 00:08:23,766
I'm gonna make a cake so moist,

218
00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:26,736
girls are gonna be, like,
"Ew. Why do you say moist?

219
00:08:26,770 --> 00:08:28,638
I hate that word."

220
00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:30,740
I'm gonna be, like,
"Just taste the cake."

221
00:08:30,774 --> 00:08:32,975
And they're gonna be, like,
"Damn, it's moist!"

222
00:08:34,511 --> 00:08:35,411
And...

223
00:08:35,446 --> 00:08:36,979
- Bake!
- Okay, bake!

224
00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:38,014
- I said it first.
- I said it first.

225
00:08:38,048 --> 00:08:39,082
- I said it first.
- I said it first.

226
00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,984
A customer ordered
an old-fashioned,

227
00:08:42,019 --> 00:08:45,722
and she got gin in a mug
with a peanut in it.

228
00:08:45,756 --> 00:08:48,224
- I'll fix it.
- Make me an old-fashioned right now,

229
00:08:48,258 --> 00:08:49,592
or I'm gonna call the manager.

230
00:08:49,626 --> 00:08:51,260
And I want to
talk to him anyway,

231
00:08:51,295 --> 00:08:52,628
because he's just gorgeous.

232
00:08:52,663 --> 00:08:55,398
I want to be a
barnacle on his ship.

233
00:08:55,432 --> 00:08:57,400
Just hanging on by my mouth,

234
00:08:57,434 --> 00:09:00,269
getting all the
nutrients I need.

235
00:09:00,304 --> 00:09:02,105
Okay, an old-fashioned, an
old-fashioned, an old-fashioned.

236
00:09:02,139 --> 00:09:04,107
If it's old-fashioned,
it probably has something like...

237
00:09:04,141 --> 00:09:06,175
- absinthe...
- Oh, the old-fashioned.

238
00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:09,112
One of my favorite drinks;
a classic cocktail.

239
00:09:10,647 --> 00:09:13,449
Just a half ounce of simple syrup.

240
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,956
Splash of water,
two dashes of bitters.

241
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,591
Mix that up
with some ice.

242
00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:24,927
And then, you know
my personal favorite.

243
00:09:24,962 --> 00:09:27,096
You know, and just,
far be it from me,

244
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,598
but the bourbon whiskey.

245
00:09:28,632 --> 00:09:30,767
- Bourbon.
- Two ounces of bourbon whiskey.

246
00:09:30,801 --> 00:09:33,202
No. Hmm.

247
00:09:33,237 --> 00:09:35,638
- It's not the Scotch whiskey.
- It's...

248
00:09:35,672 --> 00:09:36,873
No, it's certainly not the vermouth.

249
00:09:36,907 --> 00:09:38,174
Vermouth would be insane.

250
00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:39,675
Yes, the bourbon whiskey.

251
00:09:39,710 --> 00:09:42,211
My favorite.
Wonderful.

252
00:09:43,547 --> 00:09:45,848
Look at that. Old-fashioned.

253
00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:49,452
Hmm. Old-fashioned?

254
00:09:49,486 --> 00:09:52,822
Oh, my stars and garters,
you made a drink.

255
00:09:52,856 --> 00:09:55,258
Holy crud.

256
00:09:59,029 --> 00:10:01,397
Yes, Nick!

257
00:10:01,432 --> 00:10:03,199
I have the electronics!

258
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:04,967
Do you know any, like,
time-consuming

259
00:10:05,002 --> 00:10:07,503
and free activities
in Griffith Park?

260
00:10:07,538 --> 00:10:09,839
Gross! Suicide?

261
00:10:09,873 --> 00:10:11,374
Schmidt, please.
I need some a...

262
00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:14,844
Well, just figure
it out, dude!

263
00:10:14,878 --> 00:10:17,213
- Oh, it's my mom.
- Okay, um,

264
00:10:17,247 --> 00:10:18,848
found the biggest rock
I could carry.

265
00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:20,917
It was this one. Um...

266
00:10:20,951 --> 00:10:22,351
- It's heavy.
- It's huge. Yeah, heavy.

267
00:10:22,386 --> 00:10:23,986
Oh, my God. Um...

268
00:10:24,021 --> 00:10:25,755
what are we doing here?

269
00:10:25,789 --> 00:10:29,225
It's not that I'm not
having fun, 'cause I am.

270
00:10:29,259 --> 00:10:31,928
It's okay if you didn't
plan anything for my birthday.

271
00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:33,496
Are you kidding?!
Really, Nick.

272
00:10:33,530 --> 00:10:35,031
Not only did I
plan something,

273
00:10:35,065 --> 00:10:37,066
but my plan's about
to blow your mind.

274
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:39,669
- Honestly.
- You need to trust me a little bit.

275
00:10:39,703 --> 00:10:42,538
'Cause everything is about
to be made very clear

276
00:10:42,573 --> 00:10:44,607
- very soon.
- Oh, my God!

277
00:10:44,641 --> 00:10:46,442
What?
Nick!

278
00:10:48,312 --> 00:10:49,879
- You're the best.
- I'm amazing.

279
00:10:49,913 --> 00:10:51,514
- I'm so surprised!
- I'm so surprised.

280
00:10:51,548 --> 00:10:53,950
- This is amazing!
- It's amazing!

281
00:10:53,984 --> 00:10:56,385
- This is amazing! Yay!
- Oh, son of a bitch!

282
00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:57,787
- Oh!
- Don't touch anything!

283
00:10:57,821 --> 00:11:00,089
- It'll ruin the surprise! Yeah.
- Yay!

284
00:11:00,123 --> 00:11:01,524
- Yes.
- Yeah...!

285
00:11:01,558 --> 00:11:03,926
- Yay!
- Hey, Jess, let's get out of here

286
00:11:03,961 --> 00:11:05,728
- before anything ruins this
perfect moment. - Ooh!

287
00:11:05,762 --> 00:11:08,030
I wouldn't t... Wait because
we've got a whole, uh, ceremony.

288
00:11:08,065 --> 00:11:09,699
No!

289
00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:12,535
That lady took my birthday!

290
00:11:12,569 --> 00:11:15,571
What is happening?

291
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,358
- Jess! Look, look, I'm sorry, Jess.
- No, no, no, Nick,

292
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:27,027
I just... I don't know why
I get so crazy about birthdays.

293
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,530
You know, it's crazy,
'cause you had a very

294
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,064
fun day put together.

295
00:11:31,099 --> 00:11:33,267
Eggs and sex and...

296
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,769
and a really long uphill walk.

297
00:11:35,804 --> 00:11:38,005
And, um... look, um,

298
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,374
that's amazing for you,
you know?

299
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,742
For me?

300
00:11:41,776 --> 00:11:43,710
You're not a guy who plans things.

301
00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:47,014
- Maybe I am.
- Look...

302
00:11:47,048 --> 00:11:49,249
every day, you show me,
in your own way,

303
00:11:49,284 --> 00:11:50,918
how you care about me.

304
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:53,253
Like when you pick up
rubber bands on the sidewalk.

305
00:11:53,288 --> 00:11:55,689
- For your ponytail.
- I could not be more fine.

306
00:11:55,723 --> 00:11:58,625
I'm super chill.

307
00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:00,594
I'm just gonna go home for a second.

308
00:12:00,628 --> 00:12:02,229
- Bye.
- Jess, let's keep... Jess!

309
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,498
Don't follow me.

310
00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:08,635
- Sure you know how to tap a keg?
- How hard could it be?

311
00:12:08,670 --> 00:12:11,071
It's beer, for crying out loud.
It's the drink of idiots.

312
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,540
- Wait. Nick told me something about...
- Cece, look, I got... I got it.

313
00:12:13,575 --> 00:12:16,143
- Ooh, there's a knob back here.
- I got it in.

314
00:12:16,177 --> 00:12:18,278
He told me if I turn this,
I shoulde able to...

315
00:12:18,313 --> 00:12:20,814
- Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, no!
- Turn it off!

316
00:12:20,849 --> 00:12:22,449
- Oh, sorry! It's just...
- Turn it off!

317
00:12:22,484 --> 00:12:25,085
Oh.

318
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,221
You butt hole.

319
00:12:27,255 --> 00:12:29,623
You can't do anything
right, can you?

320
00:12:29,657 --> 00:12:32,092
I'm so sorry.

321
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,765
He's right, though.

322
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,300
I can't do anything.

323
00:12:40,335 --> 00:12:42,236
No skills.

324
00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:45,172
I told you this, but I didn't
even graduate high school.

325
00:12:45,206 --> 00:12:47,574
A lot of people
never graduated high school.

326
00:12:47,609 --> 00:12:49,910
Okay-- Einstein, Bill Gates,

327
00:12:49,944 --> 00:12:52,279
Anne Frank.

328
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:54,081
I'm gonna take back that last one.

329
00:12:54,115 --> 00:12:56,016
Why did I think
that I could bartend?

330
00:12:56,050 --> 00:12:58,752
Because you can.

331
00:12:58,786 --> 00:13:01,255
You are strong, and
you are confident.

332
00:13:01,289 --> 00:13:02,923
Those are skills. Use them.

333
00:13:02,957 --> 00:13:05,292
And be a little bit
meaner to the people here.

334
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,928
It should be easy for you.
Just pretend that they're me.

335
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,164
You're right. That is easy.

336
00:13:11,199 --> 00:13:12,799
And pull your shirt down
a little bit.

337
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,167
This isn't a monastery.

338
00:13:14,202 --> 00:13:15,335
Do not push your luck with me.

339
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:17,671
I'll look away.

340
00:13:17,705 --> 00:13:19,673
You're wearing
paper towels. Behind!

341
00:13:19,707 --> 00:13:21,108
No it's
an environmental-friendly,

342
00:13:21,142 --> 00:13:22,676
recyclable apron.

343
00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:25,112
- Behind! Behind!
- Okay, real... really? Okay.

344
00:13:25,146 --> 00:13:26,513
- Behind.
- Behind.

345
00:13:26,548 --> 00:13:27,781
- Behind!
- Behind! Behind.

346
00:13:27,815 --> 00:13:29,383
Whoa! Behind!

347
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:31,118
- Behind you! Behind!
- Behind! Behind!

348
00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:33,153
- Oh, so you...
- Behind!

349
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:34,621
- Behind!
- Whoa!

350
00:13:34,656 --> 00:13:36,023
Behind. In front.

351
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:38,325
Behind. What's this?

352
00:13:42,096 --> 00:13:43,497
It's Jess!

353
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,798
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, it's Jess! Hey!

354
00:13:44,832 --> 00:13:46,466
What's up, girl? What you...

355
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:47,868
- doing home?
- I'm great. I'm great.

356
00:13:47,902 --> 00:13:49,736
Hide the cake.
Hide the...

357
00:13:49,771 --> 00:13:51,038
- I'm great.
- Behind.

358
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,840
How's your day going?

359
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:55,208
Going good?

360
00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:58,145
- You're crying?
- Oh.

361
00:13:58,179 --> 00:14:00,147
I'm taking...

362
00:14:00,181 --> 00:14:01,715
- Um...
- I got mine off first.

363
00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:03,350
- No, you didn't.
- Rest up over here.

364
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,352
What a day, guys.

365
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,853
- Really long, huh?
- Yeah.

366
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,021
Bet you had a
long day, huh?

367
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,356
I'm really fine.

368
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,291
It had a real day, you know.

369
00:14:12,827 --> 00:14:14,828
I'm disappointed in Nick.

370
00:14:14,862 --> 00:14:16,471
Yeah, you got to let that out,
you know, 'cause...

371
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,373
But I'm disappointed

372
00:14:17,431 --> 00:14:19,900
in myself because I'm
disappointed in Nick, you know.

373
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:21,301
Oh, I feel you.

374
00:14:21,336 --> 00:14:22,669
Yeah, that's messed up.

375
00:14:22,704 --> 00:14:25,005
- Yeah, let it out. Let it out.
- I'm getting up.

376
00:14:25,039 --> 00:14:26,440
- Oh...! Jess...
- No, no, no...

377
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,943
Hey. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.

378
00:14:29,978 --> 00:14:32,212
Want you to close your
eyes, breathe deep,

379
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,948
and go to the most
magical place on earth--

380
00:14:34,983 --> 00:14:36,617
your imagination.

381
00:14:36,651 --> 00:14:38,752
Have you guys been baking?

382
00:14:38,786 --> 00:14:40,454
Ah, nah.
Bakery downtown exploded.

383
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:42,255
Don't look into it.
It's not on the Internet.

384
00:14:42,290 --> 00:14:43,357
Yeah. She is here.

385
00:14:43,391 --> 00:14:46,193
What happened?

386
00:14:46,227 --> 00:14:49,062
She doesn't think I can do
anything or plan anything,

387
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,064
and it feels like crap.

388
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,432
Maybe she's right.

389
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:54,267
Why did I think
I could pull this off?

390
00:14:54,302 --> 00:14:56,403
I'm pretty sure
I'm having a heart attack.

391
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,871
And I haven't arranged

392
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:00,207
for anybody
to clear my Internet history.

393
00:15:00,241 --> 00:15:01,975
I wasn't building a bomb!

394
00:15:02,010 --> 00:15:03,810
I was just curious.

395
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:06,046
Nick, you got a whole team of
friends pulling for you, okay?

396
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,448
Just get yourself home.
You can still pull this off.

397
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,884
Hey, Mike.

398
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:12,886
-What?
- So I cleaned out the beer trap,

399
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,554
I polished all these
wine glasses,

400
00:15:14,589 --> 00:15:16,456
and I turned that
penis graffiti in the bathroom

401
00:15:16,491 --> 00:15:18,291
into a whimsical hat.

402
00:15:18,326 --> 00:15:21,628
Now my friend and I
have to go to a party.

403
00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:23,897
All right, Schmidt,
let's go.

404
00:15:23,931 --> 00:15:25,565
You called me your friend.

405
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,800
Did I?

406
00:15:26,834 --> 00:15:28,168
And now, look,

407
00:15:28,202 --> 00:15:30,237
no matter what we see in here,
I just want you to know that

408
00:15:30,271 --> 00:15:32,139
it's been an honor
working with you.

409
00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:34,174
You, too, man.

410
00:15:40,715 --> 00:15:41,915
Oh...

411
00:15:41,949 --> 00:15:44,217
Wow, look at that.

412
00:15:48,189 --> 00:15:49,389
Oh, my God.

413
00:15:50,958 --> 00:15:52,959
Oh, man.

414
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,461
Our, uh...

415
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,430
cakes merged.

416
00:15:56,464 --> 00:15:57,998
Looks as if they have.
Yeah.

417
00:15:59,867 --> 00:16:03,003
Well...

418
00:16:03,037 --> 00:16:04,438
- Hey!
- Aah!

419
00:16:04,472 --> 00:16:05,472
- Ah.
- Ah.

420
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:06,640
Team check-in. Where we at?

421
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,775
Our cake became double cake.

422
00:16:08,810 --> 00:16:09,876
Yeah. Two cakes.

423
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:11,878
Yeah.

424
00:16:11,913 --> 00:16:13,213
Two cakes became one?

425
00:16:13,247 --> 00:16:14,314
- Two cakes, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

426
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,682
Fantastic, I'll go get Jess.

427
00:16:15,717 --> 00:16:16,316
- Cool.
- Nice.

428
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,218
Hey, Jess.

429
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,021
Hey, guys!

430
00:16:23,424 --> 00:16:24,825
What's up, man?

431
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,326
She's at the movies.

432
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,361
This might actually work.

433
00:16:28,396 --> 00:16:29,863
- At the what...?
- Come on!

434
00:16:32,223 --> 00:16:34,057
More, more.

435
00:16:34,092 --> 00:16:35,492
More.

436
00:16:35,526 --> 00:16:36,526
Uh...

437
00:16:36,561 --> 00:16:37,728
and, okay.

438
00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:38,962
I think we're good.

439
00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:40,264
Same to the second one.

440
00:16:47,705 --> 00:16:49,840
Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick.

441
00:16:49,874 --> 00:16:51,875
You obviously knew that.

442
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:54,811
Um, I know this is where you
always go on your birthday

443
00:16:54,846 --> 00:16:56,380
to be by yourself,

444
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:59,049
but I thought this year you
might want a little company.

445
00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:00,317
Mind if I sit?

446
00:17:01,786 --> 00:17:02,786
Look under the seat.

447
00:17:04,956 --> 00:17:07,190
Now please read
the card, I'll wait.

448
00:17:07,225 --> 00:17:08,755
How did you know
I was gonna be sitting here?

449
00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:09,986
I put one under every seat,

450
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,895
- but you got to go fast, 'cause
of the timing. - Okay.

451
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,064
"My name is Jess,
I like to wear tights.

452
00:17:14,098 --> 00:17:16,767
It's dark in this room,
so let's turn on the lights."

453
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:19,403
Surprise!

454
00:17:19,437 --> 00:17:20,570
Whoo!

455
00:17:20,605 --> 00:17:23,540
That's enough.
Timing, guys, timing.

456
00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,448
In the beginning, there was nothing,

457
00:17:31,482 --> 00:17:32,849
and then there was light
and dark

458
00:17:32,884 --> 00:17:34,384
and oceans and birds
and stuff...

459
00:17:34,419 --> 00:17:36,787
and then there was Jess!

460
00:17:36,821 --> 00:17:39,656
Nick? This was
the plan all along?

461
00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:45,629
What do I think of
when I think of Jess?

462
00:17:45,663 --> 00:17:48,298
When I think of Jess.
Okay...

463
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:50,200
When I think about Jess...

464
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:53,570
I think of how sweet she is
and how smart she is.

465
00:17:53,604 --> 00:17:56,974
...uh, is glasses
and the hair thing.

466
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,309
...think of dance parties
and sleepovers...

467
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,611
Jess does not like
being tackled.

468
00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:04,314
The eyes, two eyes.

469
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,316
Happy birthday, Ms. Day.

470
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:10,654
Your youthful exuberance...

471
00:18:10,688 --> 00:18:12,422
exhausts me.

472
00:18:12,457 --> 00:18:14,758
May it fade
with each passing year.

473
00:18:14,792 --> 00:18:16,159
Well, she made me try papayas.

474
00:18:16,194 --> 00:18:17,594
That was cool.

475
00:18:17,628 --> 00:18:19,162
They're super soft inside.

476
00:18:19,197 --> 00:18:21,665
Jess is the upstairs lady.

477
00:18:21,699 --> 00:18:23,500
There is a... there is a ma...

478
00:18:26,471 --> 00:18:28,772
You make mistakes.

479
00:18:28,806 --> 00:18:31,775
Happy birthday
to my best work friend.

480
00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:33,677
Tina, if you see this,
I'm sorry.

481
00:18:33,711 --> 00:18:35,312
I just feel like
we drifted apart

482
00:18:35,346 --> 00:18:37,481
after Jeremy's cocaine thing.

483
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,349
It was awkward.

484
00:18:39,384 --> 00:18:42,352
"When the stirrups of life
start to feel like the speculum

485
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,021
of old age..." Nick,
I'm not reading this.

486
00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:46,656
Happy birtay, Jess.

487
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:48,358
Your boyfriend
is sweet and simple

488
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:50,327
and will not get out
of my waiting room.

489
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:52,429
I saw a squirrel once.

490
00:18:52,463 --> 00:18:53,663
It looked like Jess.

491
00:18:53,698 --> 00:18:55,699
Then it attacked my sister,

492
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,834
So I had to beat it
with a stick,

493
00:18:57,869 --> 00:19:00,437
and then it didn't
look like Jess anymore.

494
00:19:00,471 --> 00:19:02,506
Happy birthday.
It's Bearclaw.

495
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,307
♪ Birthday

496
00:19:04,342 --> 00:19:06,043
♪ Winston is about
to do some... ♪

497
00:19:08,713 --> 00:19:11,281
He said a bunch, but it was
really weird and racist.

498
00:19:11,315 --> 00:19:13,316
Happy birthday, Ms. Day.

499
00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:15,118
Yay!

500
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:17,521
What I remember

501
00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:18,955
most of all is the pain.

502
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:22,025
Honestly, it was 36 hours--

503
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:25,829
more than that--
of just searing, ripping, and then...

504
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:33,503
Out you came,
the most beautiful,

505
00:19:33,538 --> 00:19:36,907
beautiful little baby
I ever saw in my life.

506
00:19:36,941 --> 00:19:38,241
And I forgot all the pain.

507
00:19:38,276 --> 00:19:40,143
When you were born, I got a deli
sandwich

508
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:41,912
at the hospital cafeteria.

509
00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:45,082
And then there was a baby.

510
00:19:45,116 --> 00:19:48,418
Happy birthday to my oldest
and my best friend.

511
00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:49,853
Happy birthday, Ms. Day.

512
00:19:49,887 --> 00:19:50,821
Happy birthday.

513
00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:51,988
Birthday.

514
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:53,156
Happy birthday, Jess.

515
00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:54,324
Happy birthday, Jess.

516
00:19:54,358 --> 00:19:56,726
Happy birthday...
from Bearclaw.

517
00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:58,728
I love you.
Happy birthday.

518
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:00,497
Happy, happy birthday.

519
00:20:00,531 --> 00:20:03,066
You have a cool boyfriend.

520
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:05,335
This is the coin I had in my pocket

521
00:20:05,369 --> 00:20:06,636
the first night we kissed.

522
00:20:07,638 --> 00:20:08,939
And I always have it.

523
00:20:08,973 --> 00:20:10,440
Happy birthday, Jess.

524
00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:15,412
♪ Happy birthday to you

525
00:20:15,446 --> 00:20:16,746
Cha, cha, cha.

526
00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:21,518
♪ Happy birthday to you

527
00:20:21,552 --> 00:20:22,786
♪ Ooh, ooh

528
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:25,922
♪ Happy birthday dear Jess...

529
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:27,858
Um... hmm,

530
00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:29,893
where'd... Where'd she...?

531
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:32,028
Where'd...?

532
00:20:34,966 --> 00:20:36,466
Hey, Jess, I'm so sorry.

533
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:39,302
That was cheesy, embarrassing.

534
00:20:39,337 --> 00:20:41,071
I didn't have
great talent to work with.

535
00:20:41,105 --> 00:20:42,506
Winston was terrible.

536
00:20:50,581 --> 00:20:53,517
It's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

537
00:20:57,855 --> 00:20:59,156
And I'm sorry.

538
00:21:02,693 --> 00:21:05,595
Shh, shh. It's starting.

539
00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:13,403
Happy birthday, Jess.

540
00:21:13,437 --> 00:21:17,107
- That was so stupid, dude.
- Oh, what is wrong with you?

541
00:21:17,141 --> 00:21:18,141
Ashamed of yourself.

542
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:20,477
- Come on, Schmidt.
- Quit it.

543
00:21:26,684 --> 00:21:27,851
- Boo.
- No!

544
00:21:27,885 --> 00:21:32,386
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www.addic7ed.com