1 00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:02,768 Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day 2 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,170 like a Scotch tasting, guys. 3 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:06,272 It's not raining today. It hasn't rained in months. 4 00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:07,379 Shh, don't ruin the moment. 5 00:00:07,379 --> 00:00:09,819 There's actually a huge forest fire. Dude, you should turn on the news. 6 00:00:09,948 --> 00:00:13,622 This is a 15-year-old French oak reserve. 7 00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:17,283 Mm! A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky. 8 00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,551 Boozy. 9 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,853 Hunting, fishing, shooting, 10 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:24,654 fatherhood, bonding, sadness. 11 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,359 Please don't leave me. 12 00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,127 - Cheers, guys. Put 'er there Schmidty. - Cheers. 13 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,695 Cheers. 14 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,031 - To a nice quiet evening. - Tranquil. 15 00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:34,700 This moment is so chill and absent of drama, 16 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,469 I want to call it "Tim Duncan." 17 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,538 I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision 18 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,573 and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! 19 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,942 - Whoa. - Yeah! 20 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,077 That is $45 worth of Scotch right there. 21 00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:48,247 It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. 22 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,150 ♪ Who's that girl? Who's that girl? ♪ 23 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,752 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 24 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,153 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com 25 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,725 So, obviously, Nick has told you about how I've been volunteering 26 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,395 at the Children's Museum, and really hitting it off 27 00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,796 with the head curator, Candace, right? 28 00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,164 In my way, I have. 29 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,632 - I've never heard that. - Hasn't said a word. Thank God. 30 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,967 Come on. 31 00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,635 Guys, give me one second. 32 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,604 I gotta go play a round of "Car Keys Monte" 33 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,773 with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive home. 34 00:01:15,414 --> 00:01:17,510 So, anyway, about a month ago, Candace calls me and tells me 35 00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:20,605 there might be a full-time fund-raising position opening up 36 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:21,948 - and I'd be perfect for it. - There we go, 37 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,950 look for the keys, look for the keys, look for the keys. 38 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,651 And she keeps pushing me for an answer, 39 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,819 and I keep putting her off. 40 00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,621 I say, "Thank you very much. I'm very flattered, 41 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,256 but I already have a job. Me teacher." 42 00:01:31,417 --> 00:01:32,925 That's a grammar joke. You get it. 43 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,294 Look at the jukebox for a sec. 44 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,830 When I think of teachers, I think of two things: Jessica Day 45 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,432 and pornography where the characters are teachers. 46 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:41,500 Well, of course I've always wanted to be a teacher, 47 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,135 but my school's a disaster. 48 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:45,104 Justice Brandeis believed that... 49 00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:46,439 Ms. Day? 50 00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,041 Education's Principal Foster, everybody! 51 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:51,477 Thank you so much. 52 00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:55,432 Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup 53 00:01:55,462 --> 00:01:57,318 - in our renovation, so... - Okay. 54 00:01:57,447 --> 00:02:00,256 everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space. 55 00:02:00,256 --> 00:02:01,078 What? 56 00:02:02,036 --> 00:02:03,766 - Oh. - Hey, do you have a freezer 57 00:02:03,925 --> 00:02:07,493 or should I flush these frogs? My check comes either way. 58 00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:11,297 Oh, come on. Foster's sticking us with the math kids 59 00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:13,799 that use letters instead of numbers? 60 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,167 Do you mean algebra? 61 00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:16,869 I guess. Anyway, 62 00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:19,839 it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh? 63 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,407 I'm sorry? Months? 64 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,909 Right. Years if the bond issue fails. 65 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,246 Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future. 66 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,715 Anti-future? Who's anti-future? 67 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,319 I don't know. The Amish? The dying? 68 00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:35,821 Television industry, print media, 69 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,691 record industry, railroad industry, 70 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:42,061 karaoke machine owners. You got this? 71 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:45,231 I'm gonna go not smoke pot. 72 00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:48,334 - So my phone rings... - Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice. 73 00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,436 - No, I'm talking about work. - So your phone rings. 74 00:02:50,470 --> 00:02:52,758 And it's Candace officially offering me the job! 75 00:02:52,894 --> 00:02:54,206 And I told her I'd think about it! 76 00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:57,176 Wow, you not being a school teacher? 77 00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,512 Well, you have found my flabbergast button, 78 00:02:59,546 --> 00:03:01,080 and guess what, you've pressed it. 79 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,382 I'm flabbergasted as hell, too. 80 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,051 Look, I've been a teacher my entire life, 81 00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,619 and I've always wanted to be a teacher, 82 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,888 but maybe I should be doing something else. I don't know. 83 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,923 How do you know when you're on the right path? 84 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,026 It's crazy. 85 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,695 That wasn't a rhetorical question. 86 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,063 - Oh! - Oh! 87 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,031 What I like to do is just take a drive up PCH maybe. 88 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,801 Willy Wonka once said... 89 00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,603 Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00 to find out my final answer! 90 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:25,805 - Whoa! - What? 91 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,640 I'm sorry you're in such a pickle. 92 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,276 But I'm not sorry that I get to time something! 93 00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:31,744 19 minutes, people! 94 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:35,247 - All right. - Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00. 95 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,882 I'm not sure this is helping. 96 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,062 This brings a whole new level of tension to the whole situation. 97 00:03:39,062 --> 00:03:39,785 Yeah, because you're being timed now. 98 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,020 - You time a lot of stuff, Coach. - 46 seconds. 99 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,521 This is a life-changing decision, that's it. 100 00:03:43,475 --> 00:03:46,510 17 minutes till 6:00. 17 minutes, Jess. 101 00:03:46,544 --> 00:03:48,845 Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always? 102 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,182 You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights? 103 00:03:52,217 --> 00:03:53,675 - Yes. - Well, I'm not, 104 00:03:53,824 --> 00:03:56,653 because I don't watch movies, I time them. 105 00:03:56,688 --> 00:03:59,690 They're pornographers, but they're also a family. 106 00:03:59,724 --> 00:04:03,126 155:30 official running time, my round ass! 107 00:04:03,161 --> 00:04:07,218 Jess, choosing a career path is never easy, 108 00:04:07,366 --> 00:04:08,565 but what I found... 109 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,567 - Oh, my God. - Shut up, dude! 110 00:04:10,602 --> 00:04:12,069 She's looking for career advice. 111 00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:14,638 Your job could be done by a vending machine. 112 00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:15,872 Guys, don't be mean. 113 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,674 So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean... 114 00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:20,644 Or is it the most traditional? 115 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:22,512 Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution. 116 00:04:22,547 --> 00:04:25,515 Guys, as you all know, I am the expert at changing career paths. 117 00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:27,017 Is this something we're now bragging about? 118 00:04:27,051 --> 00:04:28,518 No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision 119 00:04:28,553 --> 00:04:30,020 to quit playing the game of basketball. 120 00:04:30,054 --> 00:04:33,023 Jess, I will tell you this, it was not easy. 121 00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:35,587 It all began back... 122 00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:36,829 Come on, Winston move it along. 123 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:37,594 Okay, Jess, fine, 124 00:04:37,629 --> 00:04:41,198 but don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies 125 00:04:41,232 --> 00:04:46,003 of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life. 126 00:04:46,037 --> 00:04:47,671 I was the ninth guy off the bench 127 00:04:47,705 --> 00:04:49,873 for the eighth-best team in Latvia. 128 00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:52,442 Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! 129 00:04:52,477 --> 00:04:53,844 Winnie the Bish! 130 00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:56,013 Ha-ha! Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys. 131 00:04:56,047 --> 00:04:57,848 We didn't watch you play. We watched you sit. 132 00:04:57,882 --> 00:04:59,082 Which was still fun. 133 00:04:59,117 --> 00:05:01,118 You know, any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys? 134 00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:02,886 Yeah, I haven't played all year. 135 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,455 They barely let me practice, but you know, like I always say, 136 00:05:05,490 --> 00:05:07,124 How about them Lats? 137 00:05:07,158 --> 00:05:08,759 So that's when you decided to change course. 138 00:05:08,793 --> 00:05:11,228 That makes sense. So my takeaway from that is... 139 00:05:11,262 --> 00:05:12,863 Still building to the decision. 140 00:05:12,897 --> 00:05:14,865 You are traded to Kraslava City. 141 00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:16,233 The Outdoor League? 142 00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:17,768 Man, they play on a hillside! 143 00:05:17,802 --> 00:05:21,271 I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket, better. 144 00:05:21,306 --> 00:05:22,910 Aha, and then you decided... 145 00:05:22,940 --> 00:05:23,673 Ah! 146 00:05:24,773 --> 00:05:25,909 I'm going fast! 147 00:05:25,943 --> 00:05:27,044 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 148 00:05:28,413 --> 00:05:30,580 You never play basketball again. 149 00:05:30,615 --> 00:05:33,717 Don't touch it. Stop it. 150 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:37,120 And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. 151 00:05:37,155 --> 00:05:39,890 Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. 152 00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:41,458 I mean, that's what I did. 153 00:05:41,492 --> 00:05:42,893 That's the thing, you didn't walk away. 154 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:45,762 You decided nothing. That story contains zero decisions. 155 00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:49,333 Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball 156 00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:52,002 when my doctor told me I had to stop. 157 00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:55,439 Okay, okay, all right, I... it was my decision... 158 00:05:55,473 --> 00:05:56,840 Mm-hmm. 159 00:05:56,874 --> 00:06:00,243 ...to start to play the game of basket... 160 00:06:00,278 --> 00:06:02,679 You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born. 161 00:06:02,714 --> 00:06:05,082 Damn, do I even like basketball? 162 00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,516 I mean, goodness, 163 00:06:06,551 --> 00:06:08,652 have I ever made any decisions my whole life? 164 00:06:08,686 --> 00:06:11,321 Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant? 165 00:06:11,356 --> 00:06:13,790 All right, good job, buddy. Really good. Thanks. 166 00:06:13,825 --> 00:06:16,159 You know, if I may be so bold... 167 00:06:16,194 --> 00:06:17,160 Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat. 168 00:06:17,195 --> 00:06:19,162 I was literally about to give advice. 169 00:06:19,197 --> 00:06:20,787 She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, 170 00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:21,965 she does not need to hear another. 171 00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:24,301 - What she needs to hear is my story. - All right. 172 00:06:24,335 --> 00:06:28,472 A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. 173 00:06:28,506 --> 00:06:31,808 A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!" 174 00:06:31,843 --> 00:06:34,010 Ah, you stupid bast... 175 00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,612 The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook. 176 00:06:37,670 --> 00:06:39,149 - It all began back... - Come on, Schmidt! 177 00:06:39,183 --> 00:06:41,025 What? Only one story in the whole wide world 178 00:06:41,065 --> 00:06:42,519 can begin in a hospital? 179 00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:43,854 I volunteered a lot in college. 180 00:06:43,888 --> 00:06:47,858 But I shone brightest as a candy striper. 181 00:06:47,892 --> 00:06:49,226 Sick people wanted me. 182 00:06:49,260 --> 00:06:51,495 Dying people wanted to be me. 183 00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:53,397 I was the total candy-striping package. 184 00:06:53,431 --> 00:06:55,031 And yet I remained invisible 185 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,000 to the one whose gaze I desired the most. 186 00:06:57,034 --> 00:07:01,227 Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark. 187 00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,112 Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse, 188 00:07:03,241 --> 00:07:04,975 but as far as I was concerned, it said "NILTH," 189 00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:06,977 "Nurse I'd Like To Hug." 190 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:09,513 Not even the baggiest of scrubs could hide her splendid form. 191 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,486 Where's a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh? 192 00:07:16,521 --> 00:07:18,922 I don't volunteer. I'm a man. 193 00:07:18,956 --> 00:07:21,591 I have a job in marketing. 194 00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:25,328 Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. 195 00:07:25,363 --> 00:07:27,497 So I got a job any dumb slob could do. 196 00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:30,200 Relax, man, it's your first day. 197 00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,569 For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack 198 00:07:32,603 --> 00:07:34,104 for selling Christmas trees. 199 00:07:34,138 --> 00:07:36,173 Not only did my wide center of gravity 200 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,607 make me freakishly strong, 201 00:07:37,642 --> 00:07:40,043 but I could also sell like the wind. 202 00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,578 Because I understood one fundamental truth. 203 00:07:41,612 --> 00:07:44,114 When you're buying Christmas trees... 204 00:07:44,148 --> 00:07:46,116 you're really buying sex. 205 00:07:46,150 --> 00:07:48,852 Have you always been short? I've always been fat. 206 00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:51,254 But who cares how God made you? 207 00:07:51,289 --> 00:07:53,557 Don't let him put you in a skin box. 208 00:07:53,591 --> 00:07:55,425 At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy 209 00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,427 standing here in front of a short guy telling him 210 00:07:57,462 --> 00:08:00,630 that I think we found his tree. 211 00:08:00,665 --> 00:08:02,899 It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, 212 00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:05,635 Christmas tree king of Syracuse, 213 00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,637 inventor of triple netting. 214 00:08:07,672 --> 00:08:10,140 However... 215 00:08:10,174 --> 00:08:13,577 In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel... 216 00:08:13,611 --> 00:08:15,612 Billy Joel is definitely alive. 217 00:08:15,646 --> 00:08:17,447 And he's definitely not a knight. 218 00:08:17,482 --> 00:08:18,815 "The good, they do die young." 219 00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:21,618 ♪ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ♪ 220 00:08:21,652 --> 00:08:24,988 ♪ I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin' left ♪ 221 00:08:25,022 --> 00:08:27,591 ♪ 'Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long ♪ 222 00:08:27,625 --> 00:08:30,861 ♪ That even my mama thinks That my mind is gone, but... ♪ 223 00:08:31,963 --> 00:08:33,497 When you're on your deathbed, 224 00:08:33,531 --> 00:08:36,466 when your life has been lived, 225 00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:38,502 you're never gonna say, 226 00:08:38,536 --> 00:08:41,404 "I wish I'd spent more time with my family." 227 00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:47,277 Because money and everything it buys, 228 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,926 you can take it 229 00:08:51,644 --> 00:08:52,858 with you... 230 00:09:07,882 --> 00:09:08,791 Interesting, money. 231 00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:11,468 Actually the museum job pays more than the teaching job. 232 00:09:11,502 --> 00:09:13,169 Wait, the m... 233 00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,938 Then what the hell are we talking about here, you guys? 234 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,439 Done deal, case closed. 235 00:09:16,474 --> 00:09:18,308 Follow them ducats. 236 00:09:18,342 --> 00:09:19,476 It's not always about the money, Schmidt. 237 00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:20,977 Guys, look, it's almost 6:00. 238 00:09:21,012 --> 00:09:22,979 And Candace is insanely punctual. 239 00:09:23,014 --> 00:09:24,214 You know, one of the best 240 00:09:24,248 --> 00:09:26,683 career choices of the future... 241 00:09:26,717 --> 00:09:28,351 Driveways. 242 00:09:30,643 --> 00:09:32,188 You're welcome. 243 00:09:37,216 --> 00:09:39,624 - Jess, the museum job pays more. - All right... 244 00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,767 - The decision has been made for you. - No, no, no. 245 00:09:41,802 --> 00:09:43,605 You don't know the difference between more and less. 246 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,171 - Don't you? - Yes, Schmidt. 247 00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:46,772 All of my decision's have been made for me. 248 00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:49,508 I'm only in sports radio because I played professional basketball. 249 00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:51,210 I played professional basketball 250 00:09:51,244 --> 00:09:53,579 because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby. 251 00:09:53,613 --> 00:09:55,748 What if somebody gave Baby Winston a flower? 252 00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:57,116 Then what would I be? 253 00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:58,884 - Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer. 254 00:09:58,919 --> 00:10:00,186 Oh, does water shoot out of the flower? 255 00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:01,220 If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian. 256 00:10:01,254 --> 00:10:05,224 Wait, guys, this is classic after 6:00 topics. 257 00:10:05,258 --> 00:10:06,859 Look, I... There has to be more to this than money. 258 00:10:06,893 --> 00:10:08,461 I really want to care about what I do. 259 00:10:08,495 --> 00:10:10,296 Don't you ever miss getting your hands dirty 260 00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:12,731 - and selling? - I've moved up in the world. 261 00:10:12,766 --> 00:10:14,366 I'm not freezing and covered in sap. 262 00:10:14,401 --> 00:10:16,302 I'm making spreadsheets. 263 00:10:16,336 --> 00:10:17,803 It's like Old Man McCue used to say. 264 00:10:17,838 --> 00:10:20,072 The reward is in the destination. 265 00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:21,207 It's not in the journey. 266 00:10:21,241 --> 00:10:23,209 Was he wise or was he senile? 267 00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:26,212 Because he's mixed up a lot of really well-known sayings. 268 00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:28,247 Jess, you're gonna want to listen to me. 269 00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,649 Anyone else here named after their career? 270 00:10:32,285 --> 00:10:34,153 People call you Markety? 271 00:10:34,187 --> 00:10:35,921 Not yet. 272 00:10:35,956 --> 00:10:37,756 That's too bad 'cause that's awesome. 273 00:10:37,791 --> 00:10:39,825 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 274 00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,494 Hands up, Ulvis! 275 00:10:41,528 --> 00:10:43,629 Ball screen, Vlad, come on! 276 00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:45,331 There we go, yes! 277 00:10:45,365 --> 00:10:47,833 Bishop, finger out of your nose, now! 278 00:10:47,868 --> 00:10:49,768 Ernie's a really good coach. 279 00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:52,104 - Maybe we should call him Coach. - We should probably call him... 280 00:10:52,139 --> 00:10:53,572 You do it first. 281 00:10:53,607 --> 00:10:55,241 - Yeah. - Uh... Coach. 282 00:10:55,275 --> 00:10:56,942 That's a great name! High five! 283 00:10:56,977 --> 00:10:57,977 Yeah! 284 00:10:58,011 --> 00:11:00,246 I think you see what I mean. 285 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:01,280 No, I do... I really don't. 286 00:11:01,314 --> 00:11:03,916 My point is don't overthink it, Jess. 287 00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:06,018 The call's coming from inside the house. 288 00:11:06,052 --> 00:11:07,253 What? 289 00:11:07,287 --> 00:11:09,788 Be who you are. And do what you do. 290 00:11:09,823 --> 00:11:11,157 What if I don't know who I am? 291 00:11:11,191 --> 00:11:13,425 And you know, I'm capable of doing a lot of different things. 292 00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:14,827 Then you are on your own. 293 00:11:14,861 --> 00:11:15,961 Good stuff, Coach. 294 00:11:15,996 --> 00:11:19,632 Jess, would it help to think about your first day as a teacher? 295 00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:20,866 Like, I think about the first time I ever poured a drink... 296 00:11:20,901 --> 00:11:22,334 - Boo, get off the stage! - Aw, man. 297 00:11:22,369 --> 00:11:23,335 - Nick! - Dude, stop. 298 00:11:23,370 --> 00:11:24,303 No, that's interesting. 299 00:11:24,337 --> 00:11:26,305 The first day I ever taught. 300 00:11:26,339 --> 00:11:29,308 Portland Country Day. 301 00:11:29,342 --> 00:11:31,143 Five-team Pacific Northwest squash champions. 302 00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:34,280 Go, Rhododendrons! 303 00:11:34,314 --> 00:11:37,316 Now, if I was chalk, where would I be? 304 00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,685 If I were chalk, where would I be? 305 00:11:39,719 --> 00:11:41,720 Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, 306 00:11:41,755 --> 00:11:43,055 and they'll eat you alive. 307 00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:50,029 Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass because I'm new. 308 00:11:50,063 --> 00:11:51,630 Well, guess what? 309 00:11:51,665 --> 00:11:53,132 I'm new, too. 310 00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:56,335 I got lost trying to find the upper dining garden. 311 00:11:56,369 --> 00:11:59,405 Oh, that's over by the hedge maze and the stables. 312 00:11:59,439 --> 00:12:02,308 I haven't even met my horse yet. 313 00:12:02,342 --> 00:12:03,909 Come on, let's get you cleaned up. 314 00:12:03,944 --> 00:12:06,579 All of these jackets have cash in the pockets. 315 00:12:06,613 --> 00:12:09,014 It's like a $50,000 lost and found. 316 00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:10,482 Here, try this one. 317 00:12:10,517 --> 00:12:12,218 Yup. 318 00:12:12,252 --> 00:12:13,519 You look great, Clifton. 319 00:12:13,553 --> 00:12:14,820 This doesn't fit! 320 00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:17,389 Eddie Pascucci beats up the unstylish! 321 00:12:17,424 --> 00:12:18,524 Yeah, that's right. 322 00:12:18,558 --> 00:12:20,426 We had an ethnic, gay bully. 323 00:12:22,874 --> 00:12:24,657 He's gonna have to come through me first. 324 00:12:25,698 --> 00:12:27,900 Clifton Collins really just needed someone to believe in him. 325 00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:29,768 So I started tong him in math, 326 00:12:29,803 --> 00:12:32,271 and he became the best math student in school. 327 00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:33,939 So, let's look him up and see 328 00:12:33,974 --> 00:12:35,407 how happy and successful and amazing he's doing. 329 00:12:35,442 --> 00:12:37,610 - Yeah! - I think that'll really fire you up. 330 00:12:41,548 --> 00:12:42,881 All right, there's no trace of him. 331 00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:44,383 - What? - I'm really, I'm really good at this. 332 00:12:44,417 --> 00:12:46,018 I'm good at it, let me see. 333 00:12:46,052 --> 00:12:47,553 - You found him. He's right here. - No, I didn't. 334 00:12:47,587 --> 00:12:49,197 - Here's Clifton, wow. - It's not a... 335 00:12:49,347 --> 00:12:50,856 - Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton. - Oh, yeah. 336 00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:52,024 We're not the only ones looking for him. 337 00:12:52,058 --> 00:12:53,489 - So's the FBI. - What? 338 00:12:53,638 --> 00:12:55,628 - Yeah, he's a criminal. - No. 339 00:12:55,662 --> 00:12:57,196 Oh, my God. 340 00:12:57,230 --> 00:13:00,199 Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins? 341 00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:01,233 Wanted for 53... 342 00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:04,770 ...counts of embezzlement. 343 00:13:04,804 --> 00:13:05,938 Sounds like the math took. 344 00:13:05,972 --> 00:13:07,906 Screw me. 345 00:13:07,941 --> 00:13:09,541 Like, I... 346 00:13:09,576 --> 00:13:12,077 Maybe I wasn't even reaching the kids at all. 347 00:13:16,149 --> 00:13:18,384 Okay, you know what? 348 00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:20,719 - Miller up. - Excuse me? 349 00:13:20,754 --> 00:13:22,655 That's just like "fill 'er up," but with "Miller." 350 00:13:22,689 --> 00:13:24,757 - Don't. - 'Cause I'm about to fill you up. 351 00:13:24,791 --> 00:13:25,991 - No, that's gross. - With my stories. 352 00:13:26,026 --> 00:13:27,393 - Oh, please don't. - That's disgusting. 353 00:13:27,427 --> 00:13:29,061 What's disgusting about it? 354 00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:32,665 My first year of law school, I made an important discovery. 355 00:13:32,699 --> 00:13:34,833 Look left. Look right. 356 00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:36,635 Next year, one of you will be gone. 357 00:13:36,670 --> 00:13:38,704 What a cliché, huh? 358 00:13:39,806 --> 00:13:41,807 Oh, you wrote that down. 359 00:13:44,611 --> 00:13:46,979 You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere. 360 00:13:47,013 --> 00:13:48,781 I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be right here. 361 00:13:48,815 --> 00:13:50,449 Take it easy, guy to my right. 362 00:13:50,483 --> 00:13:54,486 I discovered that I hated being around these people. 363 00:13:54,521 --> 00:13:56,755 But second year, I made another discovery. 364 00:13:56,790 --> 00:13:58,257 I hated being around myself. 365 00:13:58,291 --> 00:13:59,858 So my third year, 366 00:13:59,893 --> 00:14:01,794 I wanted to find a place where I belonged. 367 00:14:01,828 --> 00:14:03,462 Where I could look to my left 368 00:14:03,496 --> 00:14:04,830 or look to my right and like what I saw. 369 00:14:04,864 --> 00:14:06,365 Love you in that scarf. 370 00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:07,366 Why don't you wear scarves anymore? 371 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,768 That place? Perhaps you guessed it: 372 00:14:09,803 --> 00:14:11,303 This very bar. 373 00:14:11,338 --> 00:14:14,173 Get out of town. What a twist. 374 00:14:17,877 --> 00:14:19,111 How long has that guy been there? 375 00:14:19,145 --> 00:14:20,346 Kevin-97? 376 00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:21,680 Since 1997, Jess. 377 00:14:21,715 --> 00:14:23,115 Why else do you think we would call him... 378 00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:24,950 I don't know. Move it along, Miller. 379 00:14:24,984 --> 00:14:26,952 True, I wasn't loving law school, 380 00:14:26,986 --> 00:14:29,288 but my grades were fine and I even signed up 381 00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:30,689 for the California State Bar. 382 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,292 And then, one day... 383 00:14:33,326 --> 00:14:37,196 Red over-served himself and everything changed. 384 00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:38,697 So you went behind the bar, 385 00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:40,632 quit law school, you became a bartender... 386 00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,611 - There's more to it than that. - Two minutes! 387 00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,803 Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. 388 00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:45,838 I have so little time. 389 00:14:45,872 --> 00:14:46,839 Hey. 390 00:14:46,873 --> 00:14:48,240 Cece! 391 00:14:48,274 --> 00:14:49,842 Have you ever questioned your entire career? 392 00:14:49,876 --> 00:14:52,211 Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. 393 00:14:52,245 --> 00:14:54,313 My last job was for a phone sex ad, 394 00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:55,814 and I was the one calling. 395 00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,516 Tell me what to do. And don't tell me 396 00:14:57,550 --> 00:14:59,051 to ask the guys, because I already tried that. 397 00:14:59,085 --> 00:15:01,920 And also, don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton. 398 00:15:01,955 --> 00:15:02,921 Okay, no, wait. 399 00:15:02,956 --> 00:15:05,057 Your first student was not Clifton. 400 00:15:10,697 --> 00:15:12,531 Lady, she's still got one minute. 401 00:15:15,301 --> 00:15:16,935 That was a butt dial from your mother. 402 00:15:16,970 --> 00:15:19,204 She is up to no good. 403 00:15:20,802 --> 00:15:23,249 Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard. You have 53 seconds. 404 00:15:29,683 --> 00:15:30,426 You okay? 405 00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:32,933 Yes. No. 406 00:15:33,221 --> 00:15:36,081 I think I need glasses unless crying makes your eyes not work. 407 00:15:36,914 --> 00:15:40,492 I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it. 408 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:43,862 Crying makes your eyes work better. After I finished Sophie's Choice, 409 00:15:44,259 --> 00:15:45,683 I could see in the dark for a week. 410 00:15:49,095 --> 00:15:50,754 Here's what I do when I lose mine. 411 00:15:54,013 --> 00:15:57,220 Ooh, this is interesting. Get in here, we'll learn it together. 412 00:15:57,562 --> 00:15:58,598 But everyone'll laugh at us. 413 00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:00,830 They can drive it or milk it as far as I'm concerned. 414 00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:04,573 I don't know what that means. I heard my dad say it. 415 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,177 My dad just died. 416 00:16:13,104 --> 00:16:16,507 Well, if you want to come over, and listen to mine say 417 00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,295 "They can drive it or milk it..." you can. 418 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,176 He's also got one about the turds in City Hall. 419 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:24,895 Thanks. 420 00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,174 - I'm Cece. - Jess. 421 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,136 I was your first student. 422 00:16:48,009 --> 00:16:50,212 Hey, Candace. Um... 423 00:16:50,492 --> 00:16:54,332 Yeah, actually... I'm not gonna take the job. 424 00:16:56,394 --> 00:16:58,408 Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Okay, bye. 425 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,569 - Yeah! - Whoo! 426 00:17:00,633 --> 00:17:02,598 - Thanks guys. - Yes! 427 00:17:02,698 --> 00:17:05,747 - Thanks guys. - You did it. 428 00:17:05,893 --> 00:17:07,160 Good stuff. 429 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:10,051 Hey, she did it. 430 00:17:10,389 --> 00:17:12,059 You made the right call, Jess. What's wrong? 431 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,581 I think you're right. I made the right decision. 432 00:17:17,263 --> 00:17:21,078 Look, I know it's hard, but the hard is what... 433 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,969 makes it good. 434 00:17:24,023 --> 00:17:26,448 - Uhm, A League of Their Own - Is that from A League of Their Own. 435 00:17:26,602 --> 00:17:28,302 Yes, of course. All of my quotes are from a sports movie. 436 00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:29,812 You guys don't know them, and so they seem original. 437 00:17:29,953 --> 00:17:31,758 A League of Their Own is not a sports movie. 438 00:17:31,874 --> 00:17:33,524 It's a sports movie, first and foremost. 439 00:17:33,658 --> 00:17:35,494 It's about sisterhood and the war. 440 00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:38,228 - Yeah, absolutely. - It's about a baseball team grinding it up. 441 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:41,921 ♪ This used to be my playground... ♪ 442 00:17:42,317 --> 00:17:43,300 Coming right up. 443 00:17:43,743 --> 00:17:46,343 His sister really worries about his drinking, so what I do is 444 00:17:46,377 --> 00:17:49,979 I come in early, and I soak a teabag until the water turns brown 445 00:17:50,014 --> 00:17:51,981 and looks like booze. 446 00:17:52,016 --> 00:17:53,350 I call it tea-water. 447 00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:56,186 So... tea. 448 00:17:56,220 --> 00:17:59,756 I will take a big old glass of booze-water. 449 00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,858 Got an antacid commercial tomorrow 450 00:18:01,892 --> 00:18:03,626 - Oof. - and I'm playing day-old curry. 451 00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,795 Or you can bartend. 452 00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:08,298 You can bartend till you're 90 years old. 453 00:18:08,332 --> 00:18:11,034 Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97? 454 00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:17,540 Oh, no. 455 00:18:18,909 --> 00:18:20,343 We're gonna work on that. 456 00:18:20,378 --> 00:18:21,544 Good morning, everybody. 457 00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,980 Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics. 458 00:18:24,014 --> 00:18:25,281 Turn in your equations, 459 00:18:25,316 --> 00:18:27,050 and you will get a frog. 460 00:18:27,084 --> 00:18:29,619 Dissect carefully, because inside the frog 461 00:18:29,653 --> 00:18:31,388 is the name of the city council member 462 00:18:31,422 --> 00:18:34,190 who you will be e-mailing to restart construction. 463 00:18:34,225 --> 00:18:35,725 - Ms. Day? - Yes. 464 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,527 I thought this was gonna be a disaster. 465 00:18:37,561 --> 00:18:41,531 But thanks to you, I can go upstairs to the big boys 466 00:18:41,565 --> 00:18:44,183 and tell them they can always depend... 467 00:18:45,284 --> 00:18:47,475 on Dr. Alan Foster. 468 00:18:49,115 --> 00:18:50,272 Yeah. 469 00:18:50,875 --> 00:18:53,376 Please take his job, I'm begging you. 470 00:18:53,411 --> 00:18:56,379 I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test. 471 00:18:56,414 --> 00:18:58,081 So I figure... 472 00:18:58,115 --> 00:19:01,684 if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal? 473 00:19:01,719 --> 00:19:03,086 - That's great. - I don't see why not. 474 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,387 - Thank you. - Then you could take me 475 00:19:04,422 --> 00:19:06,389 to the principal's office and punish me 476 00:19:06,424 --> 00:19:08,525 - for being tardy, and... - You know we're right here, right? 477 00:19:08,559 --> 00:19:09,826 Just lift up my britches and... 478 00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:11,094 - We'll talk about it later. - Okay. 479 00:19:11,128 --> 00:19:12,362 - Very nice. - We'll do it in my office. 480 00:19:12,396 --> 00:19:13,530 After I fill up my juice box. 481 00:19:15,032 --> 00:19:16,866 So, guys, just quit my job today. 482 00:19:16,901 --> 00:19:18,535 - Whoa, big decision. - Oh, man! - What? 483 00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:19,869 I just finally said to myself, 484 00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:21,604 "It is time to make your own decisions." 485 00:19:21,639 --> 00:19:23,039 - Right on. - Yeah. 486 00:19:23,073 --> 00:19:25,542 If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back. 487 00:19:25,576 --> 00:19:27,343 They would... they would not like to have me back. 488 00:19:27,378 --> 00:19:29,379 - I burned a lot of bridges today. - Mmm. 489 00:19:29,413 --> 00:19:31,047 Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got... racial. 490 00:19:31,081 --> 00:19:32,782 - What? - I used a lot of swearwords. 491 00:19:32,817 --> 00:19:34,250 Then I got sexual... 492 00:19:34,285 --> 00:19:36,886 Well, sounds like you need a drink. On the house. 493 00:19:36,921 --> 00:19:39,355 - What can I get you? - Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a... 494 00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:40,757 We have everything. What would you like to drink? 495 00:19:40,791 --> 00:19:42,258 But you know, I'll make the decision. 496 00:19:42,293 --> 00:19:43,693 Let me get... 497 00:19:44,496 --> 00:19:46,361 - Double amaretto, extra cherries! - Double amaretto, extra cherries! 498 00:19:46,483 --> 00:19:47,297 That's what I was gonna say. 499 00:19:47,498 --> 00:19:49,065 Nice. 500 00:19:49,099 --> 00:19:51,401 - Oh, dear. - Oh, my goodness! 501 00:19:51,435 --> 00:19:53,770 My first shift, you know? I'm still working on it. 502 00:19:53,804 --> 00:19:55,138 - She's getting better. - That was great. 503 00:19:55,172 --> 00:19:56,940 - That was awesome. - Yeah. A natural. 504 00:19:59,645 --> 00:20:00,483 - Hey. - Hey. 505 00:20:00,636 --> 00:20:02,579 Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. 506 00:20:06,784 --> 00:20:09,018 - What's this? - The end of my story. 507 00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:13,756 No way! 508 00:20:14,925 --> 00:20:16,893 You passed the bar exam? 509 00:20:16,927 --> 00:20:21,097 I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school 510 00:20:21,131 --> 00:20:22,732 because I wanted to be a bartender, 511 00:20:22,766 --> 00:20:24,934 not because I couldn't be a lawyer. 512 00:20:24,969 --> 00:20:26,936 - This also says "spaghetti sandwich." - That's just 'cause 513 00:20:26,971 --> 00:20:28,938 it's a great idea. When I have a great idea, I write it down. 514 00:20:28,973 --> 00:20:30,907 The point is... 515 00:20:30,941 --> 00:20:32,475 is I want this. 516 00:20:32,510 --> 00:20:33,776 You know, it makes me happy. 517 00:20:33,811 --> 00:20:35,678 Well, here. 518 00:20:35,713 --> 00:20:38,114 Now, can I get you a drink? 519 00:20:38,148 --> 00:20:40,517 - Sure. - Sure. 520 00:20:46,230 --> 00:20:47,422 Cheers. To unemployment. 521 00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:49,058 - Absolutely. - Exactly. 522 00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:13,816 I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. 523 00:21:13,851 --> 00:21:15,351 It's a beautiful tree. 524 00:21:15,386 --> 00:21:17,120 We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. 525 00:21:17,154 --> 00:21:18,655 But... 526 00:21:18,689 --> 00:21:20,857 I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. 527 00:21:20,891 --> 00:21:22,392 Let's spruce this up. 528 00:21:22,426 --> 00:21:24,193 Let me put you in a spruce today. 529 00:21:24,228 --> 00:21:26,701 What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? 530 00:21:26,830 --> 00:21:27,807 By the way, there's no wrong answer. 531 00:21:27,957 --> 00:21:29,235 You look like a confident man, you know that? 532 00:21:29,762 --> 00:21:30,974 You deserve a confident tree... 533 00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:34,975 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com