1 00:00:19,893 --> 00:00:22,061 (quietly): Hey, what took you so long? Come on in. 2 00:00:22,062 --> 00:00:24,546 Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:24,547 --> 00:00:26,565 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,467 - (shudders) It's creepy, right? - I know, right? 5 00:00:28,468 --> 00:00:31,015 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:31,016 --> 00:00:33,198 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:35,720 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:37,523 And to come here on Halloween...? 9 00:00:37,556 --> 00:00:39,771 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:39,772 --> 00:00:41,013 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:41,026 --> 00:00:43,337 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:43,338 --> 00:00:45,062 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:45,063 --> 00:00:46,798 He hasn't been to work for three days. 14 00:00:46,832 --> 00:00:48,800 He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 15 00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:51,159 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 16 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,376 - It's a problem. - Right. 17 00:00:52,377 --> 00:00:53,765 Be honest, it's a real problem. 18 00:00:53,766 --> 00:00:55,414 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 19 00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:57,549 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 20 00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,852 Right now he is completely unhinged. 21 00:01:00,332 --> 00:01:02,537 - Y'all feel that? - What is going on? 22 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,753 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, 23 00:01:04,754 --> 00:01:06,622 - that's all I'm saying. - JESS: There's no ghost. 24 00:01:06,623 --> 00:01:08,790 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 25 00:01:08,830 --> 00:01:10,731 I miss the old Schmidt. 26 00:01:10,732 --> 00:01:12,784 I want him to be happy again. 27 00:01:12,785 --> 00:01:15,357 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 28 00:01:15,361 --> 00:01:17,437 And I'm having a party tonight, 29 00:01:17,438 --> 00:01:19,506 and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 30 00:01:19,507 --> 00:01:21,809 wiping his tears with deli meat. 31 00:01:21,810 --> 00:01:24,550 - I'll talk to him, okay? - Thank you. 32 00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:28,219 People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this. 33 00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:30,569 - (gruff voice): You got this. - JESS: That was Winston. 34 00:01:30,570 --> 00:01:32,471 - Was that you or was that in here, dude? - That was... 35 00:01:32,472 --> 00:01:33,932 Don't do that! 36 00:01:33,933 --> 00:01:35,133 (chuckles) 37 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:38,714 Oh, come on, Obama. 38 00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:41,083 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 39 00:01:41,118 --> 00:01:44,654 Babies are born, old people die. 40 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,990 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 41 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,725 and one day, it stops. 42 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,394 And then what? 43 00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:54,530 You want... you want to talk about... health care? 44 00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:58,414 That's mayo, buddy. 45 00:01:58,415 --> 00:02:01,037 (Nick, Jess and Winston groan) 46 00:02:01,071 --> 00:02:03,039 (whispers): Yeah, I don't got this. 47 00:02:03,073 --> 00:02:05,441 (grunts) 48 00:02:05,476 --> 00:02:07,677 ♪ Who's that girl? 49 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,079 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 50 00:02:10,104 --> 00:02:12,889 Season 3, Episode 6 "Keaton" 51 00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:15,914 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com 52 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,221 - ♪ Pumpkining... - You're really good at that. 53 00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:20,890 Thanks, man. Yeah. What are you carving there? 54 00:02:20,924 --> 00:02:22,925 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 55 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,394 - My pumpkin! - Pumpkin doesn't matter. 56 00:02:25,429 --> 00:02:28,431 Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... 57 00:02:28,465 --> 00:02:32,268 - About my party tonight. - You don't want me to come to the party? 58 00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:34,654 No, no, no, no, no, no. 59 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,712 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 60 00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,442 - No. I... No. - Doesn't matter. 61 00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:41,811 I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? 62 00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:43,880 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 63 00:02:43,881 --> 00:02:46,182 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 64 00:02:46,216 --> 00:02:48,729 I'll stay at home, and... I'll just hang out in my costume. 65 00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:50,776 Oh, wait a minute. 66 00:02:50,821 --> 00:02:53,155 Your home is my home. 67 00:02:57,630 --> 00:02:59,228 See you at the party. (door shuts) 68 00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:01,797 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 69 00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:04,800 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 70 00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:08,971 But when he does, oh, there is an option. 71 00:03:09,006 --> 00:03:11,507 WINSTON: Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt 72 00:03:11,542 --> 00:03:13,751 - to get a letter from an old friend. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 73 00:03:13,752 --> 00:03:15,434 - What old friend? - Forget you heard anything. 74 00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:16,718 - What old friend? - Nothing, J... 75 00:03:16,719 --> 00:03:18,083 - We need him, Nick. - No, we don't. 76 00:03:18,108 --> 00:03:19,432 - We got to bring him back. - Bring who back? 77 00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,911 - Winston, don't do this! - Guys, does nobody listen to me?! 78 00:03:21,912 --> 00:03:23,231 - ...without him! - Who is he? 79 00:03:23,487 --> 00:03:25,988 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 80 00:03:25,989 --> 00:03:29,091 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman? 81 00:03:29,092 --> 00:03:30,990 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 82 00:03:30,991 --> 00:03:33,665 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 83 00:03:33,666 --> 00:03:36,234 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old... 84 00:03:36,261 --> 00:03:39,743 (groans) You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess. 85 00:03:42,005 --> 00:03:44,440 When Schmidt was seven years old, 86 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,442 his daddy divorced his mommy... 87 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:50,112 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 88 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,315 (crying) He didn't take it well. 89 00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:55,210 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 90 00:03:55,211 --> 00:03:59,555 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 91 00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:03,526 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 92 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:08,064 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star 93 00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:10,200 of his favorite movie, Batman. 94 00:04:10,201 --> 00:04:13,836 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 95 00:04:15,272 --> 00:04:19,375 And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 96 00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:21,064 his life changed forever. 97 00:04:21,065 --> 00:04:22,270 Yes! 98 00:04:22,271 --> 00:04:24,205 But the real trouble was just beginning. 99 00:04:24,206 --> 00:04:27,608 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 100 00:04:27,609 --> 00:04:31,496 about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, 101 00:04:31,497 --> 00:04:33,289 public erections. 102 00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:36,802 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 103 00:04:36,817 --> 00:04:38,932 JESS: Was Winston's version shorter? 104 00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,679 NICK: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 105 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,898 Whoa. 106 00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:46,137 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 107 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,571 a man named me. It was me. 108 00:04:48,605 --> 00:04:50,406 - JESS: Yeah, I got that. - NICK: Really? People don't... 109 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,375 JESS: No, I got it. 110 00:04:52,409 --> 00:04:55,695 NICK: College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 111 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,113 (crying) 112 00:04:57,147 --> 00:05:00,983 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 113 00:05:01,018 --> 00:05:02,284 And again... 114 00:05:02,319 --> 00:05:04,086 - New message. - ...It worked. 115 00:05:04,121 --> 00:05:07,912 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey 116 00:05:07,913 --> 00:05:09,692 - ...and became a man. - One... 117 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:13,129 He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women... 118 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,299 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity... 119 00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:19,621 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 120 00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,523 You've been cat fishing Schmidt. 121 00:05:21,524 --> 00:05:23,606 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 122 00:05:23,607 --> 00:05:25,441 - ...to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 123 00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:27,152 - Great! - But I won't do it. 124 00:05:27,178 --> 00:05:29,445 - Why not? - Because I put it to bed, okay? 125 00:05:29,479 --> 00:05:32,148 It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. 126 00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,780 The letters are too powerful. 127 00:05:33,781 --> 00:05:35,781 I'm lying to my best friend. 128 00:05:35,819 --> 00:05:38,975 And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 129 00:05:38,976 --> 00:05:41,412 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 130 00:05:41,413 --> 00:05:43,891 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 131 00:05:43,892 --> 00:05:46,062 But I won't do it. Sorry. 132 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,897 You think you tell that story better than me? 133 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,732 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 134 00:05:49,733 --> 00:05:51,830 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 135 00:05:51,831 --> 00:05:54,589 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 136 00:05:54,590 --> 00:05:57,823 NICK: That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 137 00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,147 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 138 00:06:11,215 --> 00:06:14,517 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 139 00:06:14,518 --> 00:06:16,652 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 140 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,054 You never answered my e-mail. 141 00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:20,490 Yeah, I meant to, uh... to tell you I can't make it. 142 00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,158 Sorry. Um... 143 00:06:22,193 --> 00:06:25,728 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 144 00:06:28,102 --> 00:06:29,933 Please come to my party, Cece. 145 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:31,768 It's Schmidt, you know? 146 00:06:31,802 --> 00:06:34,003 - I don't think I'm ready for that, so... - Yeah. 147 00:06:34,038 --> 00:06:37,421 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 148 00:06:43,929 --> 00:06:45,181 Who wants candy? 149 00:06:45,216 --> 00:06:46,883 - Did you go trick-or-treating? - No. 150 00:06:46,917 --> 00:06:50,976 I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 151 00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:52,241 Is that trick-or-treating? 152 00:06:52,242 --> 00:06:54,090 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 153 00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:56,926 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 154 00:06:56,961 --> 00:06:59,028 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 155 00:06:59,063 --> 00:07:03,154 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize 156 00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:05,435 - ...that I should give Cece her space. - An old friend, huh? 157 00:07:05,436 --> 00:07:08,171 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around 158 00:07:08,172 --> 00:07:10,564 because I don't like people treating me any differently, but... 159 00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:11,920 It's Michael Keaton. 160 00:07:11,921 --> 00:07:14,143 What?! (laughs) 161 00:07:14,178 --> 00:07:16,813 Uh, okay. Calm down. 162 00:07:16,847 --> 00:07:19,825 The actor?! (chuckling) 163 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,718 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 164 00:07:21,752 --> 00:07:23,371 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 165 00:07:23,372 --> 00:07:25,588 There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. 166 00:07:25,623 --> 00:07:27,890 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, 167 00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,896 me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 168 00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:32,232 That's crazy, Schmidt. Ah, man. 169 00:07:33,163 --> 00:07:35,932 - (quietly): What did you do? - Jessica Damn Day. 170 00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,934 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 171 00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:40,336 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 172 00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:43,195 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 173 00:07:43,203 --> 00:07:44,641 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 174 00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,943 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 175 00:07:46,977 --> 00:07:49,178 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 176 00:07:49,213 --> 00:07:51,941 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about? 177 00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:54,083 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 178 00:07:54,118 --> 00:07:56,819 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, 179 00:07:56,854 --> 00:07:58,421 and then he goes crazy. 180 00:07:58,455 --> 00:08:01,090 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 181 00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,925 No, it's the whole movie. 182 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,594 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'cause there's the one... 183 00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:06,032 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 184 00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:09,666 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, he almost found out once. 185 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:11,534 Now, luckily, I handled it. 186 00:08:11,568 --> 00:08:13,269 I don't understand. 187 00:08:13,304 --> 00:08:17,540 In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. 188 00:08:17,541 --> 00:08:19,771 It doesn't make any sense. Aah! 189 00:08:19,772 --> 00:08:21,751 You have no idea what you've done. 190 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,950 Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 191 00:08:25,951 --> 00:08:27,287 Should I send him an e-card? 192 00:08:27,288 --> 00:08:29,619 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 193 00:08:29,653 --> 00:08:30,961 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 194 00:08:30,962 --> 00:08:32,288 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 195 00:08:32,323 --> 00:08:34,691 I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. 196 00:08:34,725 --> 00:08:36,679 Got to bring it down... here to here. 197 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,728 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 198 00:08:38,762 --> 00:08:41,297 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 199 00:08:41,332 --> 00:08:42,899 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 200 00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:44,667 (chuckling): All right. 201 00:08:44,702 --> 00:08:46,135 He's already getting weird. 202 00:08:46,170 --> 00:08:47,736 - Here. - No, Je... 203 00:08:48,725 --> 00:08:51,007 You... come to the master. 204 00:08:51,041 --> 00:08:52,975 (typing) What are you writing? 205 00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:54,844 (laptop plays whooshing tone) 206 00:08:54,878 --> 00:08:57,814 I fixed it again. You're welcome again. 207 00:08:57,848 --> 00:08:59,816 So you just wrote from Keaton, 208 00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:01,851 "I'm going on vacation"? 209 00:09:01,885 --> 00:09:04,354 (electronic chiming) He would never write that, Jess. 210 00:09:04,388 --> 00:09:06,089 - Why not? - SCHMIDT: Vacation?! 211 00:09:06,123 --> 00:09:08,972 Oh, Michael, you... stop going away. 212 00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,562 NICK: I knew this would happen. 213 00:09:13,297 --> 00:09:15,732 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 214 00:09:15,766 --> 00:09:17,600 He left me again. 215 00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,902 It makes sense. 216 00:09:19,937 --> 00:09:23,005 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me anyway? 217 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,375 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 218 00:09:25,409 --> 00:09:26,749 Why would he? 219 00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:31,247 I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 220 00:09:36,954 --> 00:09:38,955 (Schmidt whimpering) 221 00:09:40,491 --> 00:09:42,410 I didn't want to have to do this. 222 00:09:44,294 --> 00:09:46,817 JESS: Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 223 00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:48,311 - Shh. - What? 224 00:09:48,312 --> 00:09:50,933 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 225 00:09:50,968 --> 00:09:53,069 - You're not like my Robin. - You want to be Robin? 226 00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,869 He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, 227 00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:56,239 but he can take some of the glory. 228 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,846 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 229 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,149 I think we can all agree. 230 00:09:59,150 --> 00:10:01,210 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 231 00:10:01,245 --> 00:10:03,591 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 232 00:10:03,592 --> 00:10:05,815 and I need my proper inspiration. 233 00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:07,235 Thank you. 234 00:10:07,918 --> 00:10:09,419 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 235 00:10:09,453 --> 00:10:13,081 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 236 00:10:13,082 --> 00:10:16,092 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 237 00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:20,857 It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 238 00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:22,462 I sleep with this person. 239 00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:24,097 Speak to me, Keaton. 240 00:10:25,803 --> 00:10:27,103 Mmm. 241 00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,102 Here we go. 242 00:10:29,103 --> 00:10:31,240 (typing) 243 00:10:31,275 --> 00:10:33,409 (whoosh) 244 00:10:33,444 --> 00:10:35,478 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 245 00:10:35,512 --> 00:10:39,415 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 246 00:10:39,450 --> 00:10:41,818 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 247 00:10:41,852 --> 00:10:44,086 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 248 00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,122 (phone chimes) 249 00:10:47,073 --> 00:10:48,363 Oh. All right. 250 00:10:48,364 --> 00:10:50,526 (whooshing tone) (laptop chimes) 251 00:10:50,561 --> 00:10:52,248 Is that him? Did it work? 252 00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:55,131 He wrote back smiley face. 253 00:10:55,165 --> 00:10:58,434 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 254 00:10:58,469 --> 00:11:00,470 (knocking) 255 00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:05,374 - ALL: Trick or treat! - Oh, how adorable. 256 00:11:05,409 --> 00:11:08,344 You know, I just got a treat, too. It's not candy; I'm not a... 257 00:11:08,378 --> 00:11:10,446 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 258 00:11:10,481 --> 00:11:13,609 "Happy Hallow's Eve." (chuckles) 259 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:15,351 And send. (whooshes) 260 00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:16,819 (electronic chime in distance) 261 00:11:16,854 --> 00:11:20,490 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 262 00:11:21,892 --> 00:11:22,925 (whooshes) 263 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,594 (electronic chime) 264 00:11:24,628 --> 00:11:26,796 (whooshes) 265 00:11:26,830 --> 00:11:29,198 (electronic chime) He wrote back. 266 00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,967 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 267 00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:33,236 "Speak to me, old chum. 268 00:11:33,270 --> 00:11:36,038 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. 269 00:11:36,073 --> 00:11:37,925 This seemed more important." Boom. 270 00:11:37,926 --> 00:11:39,308 - JESS: That's so good. - NICK: Yeah, it's pretty good. 271 00:11:39,343 --> 00:11:40,877 JESS: You really have the Keaton voice down. 272 00:11:40,911 --> 00:11:42,979 NICK: "You're a friend for life." 273 00:11:43,013 --> 00:11:44,846 - JESS: That's good. - NICK: "M.K." 274 00:11:44,847 --> 00:11:47,689 - I think that's good. - I think that's really good, actually. 275 00:11:50,587 --> 00:11:52,817 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 276 00:11:52,818 --> 00:11:54,619 Drinks are over there. 277 00:11:54,653 --> 00:11:56,754 - Hey. - Hi. 278 00:11:57,656 --> 00:12:01,059 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 279 00:12:01,093 --> 00:12:02,540 I don't get it. 280 00:12:02,541 --> 00:12:06,504 Joey Ramone... a Quimby. 281 00:12:06,505 --> 00:12:08,439 (laughs) 282 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,858 What are you? You look like you're just wearing trash from your car. 283 00:12:11,859 --> 00:12:15,461 No, I'm not. I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 284 00:12:15,465 --> 00:12:17,204 I just got trash from my car. 285 00:12:17,205 --> 00:12:20,793 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, 286 00:12:20,794 --> 00:12:22,981 David Letterman! 287 00:12:22,982 --> 00:12:25,497 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 288 00:12:25,498 --> 00:12:27,316 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 289 00:12:27,351 --> 00:12:29,387 You look just like Letterman. 290 00:12:29,388 --> 00:12:31,503 You know, I have always thought that. 291 00:12:31,989 --> 00:12:35,424 What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh...? 292 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,459 You're a... 293 00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:39,462 (giggling) 294 00:12:39,496 --> 00:12:40,963 - What is that? - That's, that's his laugh. 295 00:12:40,998 --> 00:12:43,330 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. (both laugh) 296 00:12:43,331 --> 00:12:45,432 SCHMIDT: Do you like my costume? 297 00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:49,472 I'm a public serpent. 298 00:12:49,506 --> 00:12:51,174 Um, I thought you weren't coming. 299 00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:52,829 Oh, I changed my mind. 300 00:12:52,978 --> 00:12:55,578 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 301 00:12:55,612 --> 00:12:57,258 He can be quite cryptic. 302 00:12:57,266 --> 00:12:58,881 I think what he meant when he said 303 00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:02,788 that life was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 304 00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:05,918 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 305 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:08,658 Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. 306 00:13:08,692 --> 00:13:10,245 Maya Angelou. 307 00:13:11,195 --> 00:13:13,830 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 308 00:13:13,864 --> 00:13:16,343 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 309 00:13:16,344 --> 00:13:20,236 Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 310 00:13:20,270 --> 00:13:21,904 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 311 00:13:21,939 --> 00:13:23,773 I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. 312 00:13:23,774 --> 00:13:25,541 I have; it's about the Civil War. 313 00:13:25,576 --> 00:13:28,474 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. 314 00:13:30,714 --> 00:13:33,483 - Winston, go to Cece's and stall. - Okay, fine. 315 00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:36,456 But I got to hit the little King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 316 00:13:36,463 --> 00:13:38,855 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 317 00:13:38,889 --> 00:13:40,523 - Hey, I got it, I got it. - You got it? Good. 318 00:13:40,557 --> 00:13:43,509 Um, "You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately." 319 00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:44,781 - Send. Okay. - Don't! (whooshes) 320 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:45,903 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 321 00:13:45,904 --> 00:13:48,345 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 322 00:13:48,346 --> 00:13:49,932 JESS: Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 323 00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:52,034 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 324 00:13:52,069 --> 00:13:54,270 NICK: All right, you got to fix this. 325 00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:57,108 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 326 00:13:57,109 --> 00:13:58,509 Terrible! Send. 327 00:13:58,510 --> 00:14:00,078 - No! - What? 328 00:14:00,112 --> 00:14:01,531 Now what are we gonna do? 329 00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:03,317 - You told him Keaton was coming here? - No, Nick. 330 00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,817 - Are you out of your mind? - It's a stall! It's a stall... 331 00:14:05,851 --> 00:14:08,519 Until we can come up with a better plan. (knocking) 332 00:14:08,554 --> 00:14:10,755 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 333 00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:12,957 KIDS: Trick or treat! 334 00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:15,584 You. 335 00:14:17,796 --> 00:14:20,898 I don't get what you're doing! Are you drunk? 336 00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,502 A little. 337 00:14:23,503 --> 00:14:26,345 - What's your endgame here? - It's Halloween night. 338 00:14:26,346 --> 00:14:29,734 This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume 339 00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:31,732 and be anybody that... they want. 340 00:14:31,733 --> 00:14:34,798 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 341 00:14:34,799 --> 00:14:37,815 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 342 00:14:37,850 --> 00:14:39,651 No, I have a character. 343 00:14:39,685 --> 00:14:42,004 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 344 00:14:43,088 --> 00:14:44,789 I'm the Batman. 345 00:14:44,823 --> 00:14:46,958 - (laughing): Oh. - Right...? 346 00:14:46,992 --> 00:14:49,594 So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 347 00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:53,568 Jess, you're also five, four. 348 00:14:53,569 --> 00:14:56,371 Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. 349 00:14:56,372 --> 00:14:58,248 - I would say run a little bit. - SCHMIDT: Nick! 350 00:14:58,249 --> 00:15:00,284 Jess, go! Go... 351 00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:01,980 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 352 00:15:01,981 --> 00:15:04,949 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 353 00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:07,952 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 354 00:15:07,982 --> 00:15:10,930 - Look that way. - What? 355 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:17,040 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 356 00:15:19,312 --> 00:15:21,013 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 357 00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:24,516 - SCHMIDT: That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 358 00:15:24,551 --> 00:15:28,850 SCHMIDT: Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 359 00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:31,657 NICK: If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 360 00:15:31,691 --> 00:15:34,851 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 361 00:15:34,852 --> 00:15:36,687 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 362 00:15:36,721 --> 00:15:38,088 I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. 363 00:15:38,122 --> 00:15:39,195 No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 364 00:15:39,196 --> 00:15:41,467 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 365 00:15:41,468 --> 00:15:43,736 No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 366 00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:45,705 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 367 00:15:45,706 --> 00:15:47,774 - No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. - He's got to... 368 00:15:47,775 --> 00:15:49,708 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 369 00:15:49,709 --> 00:15:50,809 Aah! 370 00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:54,480 - Michael! It's me Schmidt. - See you later, Michael! Take off! 371 00:15:54,514 --> 00:15:55,881 We have so much to talk about. 372 00:15:55,915 --> 00:15:57,966 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 373 00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,267 Oh. 374 00:16:00,836 --> 00:16:03,045 Oh. You met him. 375 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,490 It's Keaton. 376 00:16:04,491 --> 00:16:06,430 Come on, you guys. I know. 377 00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:09,606 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 378 00:16:09,777 --> 00:16:11,344 No. It just... I... 379 00:16:11,378 --> 00:16:13,480 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 380 00:16:13,482 --> 00:16:15,304 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 381 00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,663 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 382 00:16:17,664 --> 00:16:20,414 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 383 00:16:20,415 --> 00:16:23,251 of one of our nation's finest actors! 384 00:16:24,894 --> 00:16:27,095 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 385 00:16:27,096 --> 00:16:29,270 No! No! 386 00:16:29,271 --> 00:16:32,349 - No, don't tell Michael! - Jess, please stop. 387 00:16:33,249 --> 00:16:36,031 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 388 00:16:36,146 --> 00:16:38,039 It has to be over. 389 00:16:39,012 --> 00:16:42,748 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 390 00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:48,711 I'm the owner of the e-mail address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 391 00:16:48,745 --> 00:16:51,480 What? 392 00:16:51,515 --> 00:16:54,877 It was me... The whole time. 393 00:16:54,903 --> 00:16:56,288 No... 394 00:16:56,304 --> 00:16:57,953 - No, you can't... - How do you think 395 00:16:57,988 --> 00:17:00,887 I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 396 00:17:00,888 --> 00:17:05,300 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 397 00:17:05,534 --> 00:17:08,313 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been... 398 00:17:08,314 --> 00:17:10,331 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 399 00:17:10,332 --> 00:17:13,025 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 400 00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:16,932 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 401 00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:20,404 You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? 402 00:17:20,405 --> 00:17:21,928 I drew pictures! 403 00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:24,585 He didn't want you to find out this way. 404 00:17:26,624 --> 00:17:28,659 WINSTON: Hey. 405 00:17:32,132 --> 00:17:34,026 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 406 00:17:34,027 --> 00:17:37,460 - Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... - A bully! Get him! 407 00:17:37,494 --> 00:17:39,328 Oh! Oh! 408 00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,986 - Come on. - Hey, kids, get out of here! (groaning) 409 00:17:40,987 --> 00:17:44,089 Scat! Scat! (hissing) Back off! 410 00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:52,271 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 411 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,807 No, Jess. It's-it's fine. Okay, it's fine. 412 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:58,744 In fact... it's actually kind of perfect. 413 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,973 I think, since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 414 00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:07,144 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 415 00:18:07,579 --> 00:18:10,618 I finally feel like I have some closure. 416 00:18:10,619 --> 00:18:12,684 Well, good. I'm glad. 417 00:18:12,685 --> 00:18:14,619 You deserve some. 418 00:18:16,551 --> 00:18:19,137 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, 419 00:18:19,138 --> 00:18:22,093 go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 420 00:18:22,116 --> 00:18:24,291 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 421 00:18:24,326 --> 00:18:25,526 Batman Mobile. 422 00:18:25,551 --> 00:18:28,304 No. Batmobile. 423 00:18:28,336 --> 00:18:30,164 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 424 00:18:30,198 --> 00:18:31,999 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 425 00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:34,134 - Batman Mobile. - ...Mobile. Batman Mobile. 426 00:18:34,169 --> 00:18:36,265 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat... Yeah. 427 00:18:36,273 --> 00:18:37,812 Batman Mobile. 428 00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:39,839 Batmobile. 429 00:18:39,874 --> 00:18:42,544 Batmo-mobile. 430 00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:47,159 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 431 00:18:47,769 --> 00:18:49,416 Yeah, Schmidt. 432 00:18:49,451 --> 00:18:53,020 And it was you, not Keaton, who told me 433 00:18:53,054 --> 00:18:55,736 that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 434 00:18:55,757 --> 00:18:59,414 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 435 00:18:59,415 --> 00:19:01,895 They're unbelevably comfortable. 436 00:19:01,930 --> 00:19:04,198 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton 437 00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:08,679 at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked? 438 00:19:08,710 --> 00:19:10,965 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 439 00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:13,268 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 440 00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:16,076 My friend Michael. 441 00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:21,448 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 442 00:19:22,076 --> 00:19:24,477 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 443 00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:28,840 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 444 00:19:28,903 --> 00:19:30,537 (shudders) 445 00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:33,527 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 446 00:19:33,561 --> 00:19:35,697 What... Why would you say something like that? 447 00:19:35,698 --> 00:19:39,067 Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 448 00:19:39,068 --> 00:19:41,935 The end of a high school football movie? 449 00:19:41,970 --> 00:19:44,972 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. 450 00:19:45,006 --> 00:19:46,640 It's super weird. 451 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:50,310 Are we good? 452 00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,709 Yeah. We're good. 453 00:20:02,857 --> 00:20:05,726 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 454 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,392 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone. 455 00:20:09,393 --> 00:20:11,641 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 456 00:20:11,642 --> 00:20:14,281 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 457 00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:15,688 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 458 00:20:15,689 --> 00:20:16,893 You're the worst. 459 00:20:16,909 --> 00:20:18,724 Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. 460 00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:21,375 No, we're great, but I'm going. Two separate things. 461 00:20:21,376 --> 00:20:24,051 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 462 00:20:24,052 --> 00:20:26,413 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 463 00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:29,316 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 464 00:20:29,317 --> 00:20:31,142 I think that because they're still in there... 465 00:20:31,143 --> 00:20:32,544 - Having sex, I think. - Ugh! 466 00:20:34,022 --> 00:20:36,173 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 467 00:20:36,174 --> 00:20:38,525 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What?! 468 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,577 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 469 00:20:40,578 --> 00:20:42,159 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 470 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,532 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? (sighs) 471 00:20:45,939 --> 00:20:47,607 Believe this is mine. 472 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:51,672 Well, I bid you all adieu. 473 00:20:51,706 --> 00:20:53,340 - Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt! - Are you serious? 474 00:20:53,374 --> 00:20:54,978 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 475 00:20:55,002 --> 00:20:56,662 - Seriously? Come on! - Stop with the show! 476 00:20:56,663 --> 00:20:58,879 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 477 00:20:58,913 --> 00:21:02,531 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? 478 00:21:03,151 --> 00:21:05,552 Or where. 479 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,995 JESS: Wait. You're just moving in across the hall? 480 00:21:15,029 --> 00:21:17,156 I can't hear you... 'cause I'm gone. 481 00:21:17,157 --> 00:21:19,528 NICK: Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 482 00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:23,070 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 483 00:21:23,104 --> 00:21:25,339 Oh, you are kidding me. 484 00:21:25,373 --> 00:21:27,681 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 485 00:21:27,682 --> 00:21:29,225 Shut up. 486 00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,250 Guy's an idiot... 487 00:21:31,275 --> 00:21:33,383 See you tomorrow, Schmidt... 488 00:21:34,464 --> 00:21:37,159 Woo! I'm alone! 489 00:21:37,184 --> 00:21:39,366 I'm alone! I'm alone... 490 00:21:39,522 --> 00:21:41,389 I'm alone... 491 00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:48,033 Score, touchd... 492 00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:53,018 Hahaha... Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 493 00:21:53,209 --> 00:21:56,209 Sync and corrected by ScreamingPandal www.addic7ed.com