1
00:00:18,387 --> 00:00:19,987
SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth,
what are we doing tonight?
2
00:00:20,022 --> 00:00:21,222
ELIZABETH (over phone): Dexter and pie.
3
00:00:21,256 --> 00:00:22,456
SCHMIDT: Girl, you treat me right.
4
00:00:22,491 --> 00:00:24,625
Hey, there she is,
5
00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:26,260
my one and only.
6
00:00:27,329 --> 00:00:28,796
Oh, thank God, coffee.
7
00:00:28,830 --> 00:00:31,399
- I barely slept last night.
- Yeah, me, too.
8
00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:32,900
I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes
9
00:00:32,934 --> 00:00:34,368
when you jammed that sock down my throat.
10
00:00:34,403 --> 00:00:36,704
- I aim to please.
- JESS: Aw...
11
00:00:36,738 --> 00:00:38,239
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
12
00:00:38,273 --> 00:00:39,740
What are you guys doing tonight?
13
00:00:39,775 --> 00:00:40,741
Yeah.
14
00:00:40,776 --> 00:00:42,209
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
15
00:00:42,244 --> 00:00:43,744
- Today's tonight?
- Yeah.
16
00:00:43,779 --> 00:00:45,646
Tonight... meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?
17
00:00:45,681 --> 00:00:46,881
JESS: Come on, Schmidt.
18
00:00:46,915 --> 00:00:47,882
I'm sure he's got other plans.
19
00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:48,883
You've got other plans, right?
20
00:00:48,917 --> 00:00:50,885
Plans? Not me.
21
00:00:50,919 --> 00:00:51,986
I don't even... I mean...
22
00:00:52,020 --> 00:00:53,020
Yeah!
23
00:00:53,055 --> 00:00:54,522
What the hell is going on?
24
00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:57,058
What?
25
00:00:57,092 --> 00:01:00,227
♪ Double-double-double-double date! ♪
26
00:01:00,262 --> 00:01:01,829
Rock, rock and roll.
27
00:01:01,863 --> 00:01:03,864
I don't think I exactly understand
28
00:01:03,899 --> 00:01:05,833
the energy here, but yeah,
I mean, it sounds great.
29
00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:08,703
Hey, you want to split that
pasta from last night, hmm?
30
00:01:08,737 --> 00:01:12,406
♪ Winston and Furguson
'bout to split some pasta. ♪
31
00:01:12,441 --> 00:01:13,841
(laughs)
32
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:16,243
Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you.
33
00:01:16,388 --> 00:01:17,755
Got nothing but love for you.
34
00:01:17,789 --> 00:01:20,758
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.
35
00:01:22,761 --> 00:01:24,895
What?
36
00:01:24,930 --> 00:01:27,531
So what are y'all talking
about, going on dates?
37
00:01:29,134 --> 00:01:30,367
Oh, y'all are talking about that.
38
00:01:30,402 --> 00:01:32,303
Okay, cool.
39
00:01:32,337 --> 00:01:34,038
Nobody invited me.
40
00:01:34,072 --> 00:01:35,239
Is it 'cause I'm single?
41
00:01:35,273 --> 00:01:38,409
I mean, I... I know I'm single.
42
00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:39,877
I'm okay with it.
43
00:01:39,911 --> 00:01:41,846
It was a choice that I made...
44
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,914
as a man... to be alone.
45
00:01:43,949 --> 00:01:45,382
Don't nobody know you like you,
46
00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,886
so I'm... I'm choosing
to know myself, who I am.
47
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,388
And if that's okay with
you all, can I come?
48
00:01:51,423 --> 00:01:52,923
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?
49
00:01:52,958 --> 00:01:54,024
What about that new spot Picca?
50
00:01:54,059 --> 00:01:55,626
A day-of rezzie at Picca?
51
00:01:55,660 --> 00:01:57,895
You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
52
00:01:57,929 --> 00:01:59,563
Well, funk that.
53
00:01:59,598 --> 00:02:01,699
Bishop can get a table at a chair store.
54
00:02:01,733 --> 00:02:02,933
JESS: Well, that's it, then.
55
00:02:02,968 --> 00:02:03,934
Double date plus one!
56
00:02:03,969 --> 00:02:05,336
You know what would be nuts?
57
00:02:05,370 --> 00:02:08,272
If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
58
00:02:08,306 --> 00:02:10,040
Ah, don't do that.
59
00:02:11,576 --> 00:02:14,678
♪ Hey, girl ♪
60
00:02:14,713 --> 00:02:16,714
♪ What you doing? ♪
61
00:02:16,748 --> 00:02:19,750
♪ Hey, girl ♪
62
00:02:19,784 --> 00:02:22,553
♪ Where you going? ♪
63
00:02:22,587 --> 00:02:25,155
* Who's that girl? *
* Who's that girl? *
64
00:02:25,190 --> 00:02:26,624
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
65
00:02:26,658 --> 00:02:28,894
* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess. *
66
00:02:28,895 --> 00:02:33,150
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
67
00:02:33,164 --> 00:02:34,164
Hey, listen.
68
00:02:34,199 --> 00:02:35,432
(quiet crackling)
69
00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:36,901
What is that sound?
70
00:02:36,935 --> 00:02:38,736
Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
71
00:02:38,770 --> 00:02:40,137
Seventh grade.
72
00:02:40,171 --> 00:02:42,806
Pumping my fist too
hard at a Weird Al show.
73
00:02:42,841 --> 00:02:44,441
(knocking at door)
74
00:02:44,476 --> 00:02:45,743
Go away!
75
00:02:45,777 --> 00:02:47,211
Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
76
00:02:47,245 --> 00:02:49,146
Yeah, yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky?
77
00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:50,281
My bro and my ho.
78
00:02:50,315 --> 00:02:51,615
My penis... it's gonna be exposed.
79
00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:52,850
It's okay, just cover up.
80
00:02:52,884 --> 00:02:54,451
Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
81
00:02:54,486 --> 00:02:56,287
- It's about Schmidt.
- Okay, I'm not involved in this at all.
82
00:02:56,321 --> 00:02:58,055
Hiding from the world.
83
00:02:58,089 --> 00:02:59,757
You can't see me, I can't see you.
84
00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:01,325
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
85
00:03:01,359 --> 00:03:03,560
but I think he's on drugs.
86
00:03:03,595 --> 00:03:05,596
(laughing): Schmidt on drugs?
87
00:03:05,630 --> 00:03:08,599
Okay, not getting involved starting now.
88
00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:09,733
JESS: I'm with Nick here.
89
00:03:09,768 --> 00:03:11,101
You remember how hard he took it
90
00:03:11,136 --> 00:03:12,403
when Lance got busted.
91
00:03:12,437 --> 00:03:14,004
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.
92
00:03:14,039 --> 00:03:15,506
I know you're right, but...
93
00:03:15,540 --> 00:03:16,840
- You're coming in?
- ... It's just like he's had
94
00:03:16,875 --> 00:03:18,842
this crazy energy lately.
95
00:03:18,877 --> 00:03:20,844
And did you see how insane he was
96
00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:22,980
when we were talking about the double date?
97
00:03:23,014 --> 00:03:25,082
Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking.
98
00:03:25,116 --> 00:03:26,951
- Is that whippits?
- Well, Nick can talk to him.
99
00:03:26,985 --> 00:03:28,852
No, I'm not gonna talk to
him. I called that I wasn't
100
00:03:28,887 --> 00:03:30,321
gonna be involved; those
calls have to be respected.
101
00:03:30,355 --> 00:03:32,656
If you talk to him, I'll give you a treat.
102
00:03:32,691 --> 00:03:34,325
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
103
00:03:34,359 --> 00:03:36,927
(Southern accent): Oh,
I'm just a country lawyer
104
00:03:36,962 --> 00:03:39,930
and I have a very, very itchy bra.
105
00:03:39,965 --> 00:03:41,598
(Southern accent): Well,
perhaps I can get underneath.
106
00:03:41,633 --> 00:03:43,267
I've got worker's hands.
107
00:03:43,301 --> 00:03:45,002
JESS: It's very itchy
108
00:03:45,036 --> 00:03:47,037
in so many different little places.
109
00:03:47,072 --> 00:03:49,306
- Let me see.
- (both laugh)
110
00:03:49,341 --> 00:03:50,674
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.
111
00:03:50,709 --> 00:03:52,443
I keep forgetting you're in here.
112
00:03:52,477 --> 00:03:53,677
I think you made a really good point.
113
00:03:53,712 --> 00:03:55,846
Maybe he is just, like, really into me.
114
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,116
I mean, he has, like,
stepped up his bed game a lot.
115
00:03:59,150 --> 00:04:01,151
It is so not about him anymore.
116
00:04:01,186 --> 00:04:03,620
That's disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
117
00:04:03,655 --> 00:04:05,723
And, Cece, I'm sorry about
this, but I'm gonna stand up
118
00:04:05,757 --> 00:04:07,491
and you're gonna see my
penis, and when I walk out,
119
00:04:07,525 --> 00:04:09,326
you're gonna see my butt. Let's do this.
120
00:04:09,361 --> 00:04:10,361
Oh.
121
00:04:12,230 --> 00:04:16,700
Ah, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
122
00:04:16,735 --> 00:04:18,268
Sorry.
123
00:04:20,705 --> 00:04:22,673
Yeah, so that's glass.
124
00:04:22,707 --> 00:04:24,641
That ain't no mint.
125
00:04:24,676 --> 00:04:26,310
Nope.
126
00:04:26,344 --> 00:04:27,544
Definitely glass, and I swallowed that,
127
00:04:27,579 --> 00:04:29,813
so you should consider, uh, a sign.
128
00:04:29,848 --> 00:04:30,881
- Do you have a reservation?
- You know,
129
00:04:30,915 --> 00:04:32,249
it's funny that you would ask that
130
00:04:32,283 --> 00:04:33,717
because, you know, I tried to call, like,
131
00:04:33,752 --> 00:04:35,519
20 times, and I couldn't get through,
132
00:04:35,553 --> 00:04:36,687
but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation
133
00:04:36,721 --> 00:04:38,155
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.
134
00:04:38,189 --> 00:04:39,556
Let's say, like, five people.
135
00:04:39,591 --> 00:04:40,657
I have an 8:30.
136
00:04:40,692 --> 00:04:42,226
Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
137
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:43,560
Seven weeks from now.
138
00:04:43,595 --> 00:04:45,562
Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no.
139
00:04:45,597 --> 00:04:48,232
Look, there's got to be
something that you can do.
140
00:04:48,266 --> 00:04:50,901
Well, you could try your
luck at the community table.
141
00:04:51,603 --> 00:04:52,870
Community... hell, no.
142
00:04:52,904 --> 00:04:54,538
Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand.
143
00:04:54,572 --> 00:04:57,107
This has to be an official reservation.
144
00:04:57,142 --> 00:04:58,776
No.
145
00:04:58,810 --> 00:05:01,845
I'll tell you what, maybe this will
146
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,549
change... your mind.
147
00:05:10,488 --> 00:05:12,523
"I owe you a hundred dollars."
148
00:05:12,557 --> 00:05:13,924
Oh, hell no.
149
00:05:13,958 --> 00:05:16,927
No, that... that was supposed to be a ten.
150
00:05:17,996 --> 00:05:19,997
(sighs)
151
00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:25,636
Whoa, you got there faster than I thought.
152
00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:27,371
Hey, so this is weird
and it's only gonna take
153
00:05:27,405 --> 00:05:29,239
a second of your time, but, uh...
154
00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:30,441
and I probably already know the answer,
155
00:05:30,475 --> 00:05:32,709
but are you on drugs?
156
00:05:32,744 --> 00:05:34,878
I know the answer is no, so
I'll just see you later, man.
157
00:05:34,913 --> 00:05:36,647
- Get in my room.
- Don't want to be part of it!
158
00:05:38,783 --> 00:05:40,617
Did you crack my e-mail password?
159
00:05:40,652 --> 00:05:42,319
How did you guess "Smithereens"?
160
00:05:42,353 --> 00:05:44,388
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.
161
00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:46,790
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.
162
00:05:46,825 --> 00:05:48,125
Well, what is it, man?
163
00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:49,726
You're going to get mad at me.
164
00:05:49,761 --> 00:05:51,261
I'm your best friend.
165
00:05:51,296 --> 00:05:53,697
Okay, I was there for you
when you fell off the deck
166
00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:55,099
at Chester's graduation.
167
00:05:55,133 --> 00:05:56,767
(laughter, excited chatter)
168
00:05:57,836 --> 00:05:59,336
Oh, no.
169
00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:00,737
And I'm here for you now.
170
00:06:00,772 --> 00:06:04,007
There's nothing you could
say that I'd get mad at.
171
00:06:04,042 --> 00:06:06,477
O... okay, um, I can do this.
172
00:06:07,645 --> 00:06:09,580
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth
173
00:06:09,614 --> 00:06:11,515
so that I could start dating Cece again?
174
00:06:11,549 --> 00:06:13,016
Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
175
00:06:13,051 --> 00:06:14,418
Yeah, that actually never happened.
176
00:06:14,452 --> 00:06:16,854
What do you mean?
177
00:06:16,888 --> 00:06:18,689
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
178
00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:20,491
What do you mean?
179
00:06:20,525 --> 00:06:22,326
I'm dating both of them, and
neither one of them knows it,
180
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:23,327
and I feel terrible about it.
181
00:06:23,361 --> 00:06:24,595
But Elizabeth is gone.
182
00:06:24,629 --> 00:06:27,030
- What do you mean?
- She's not gone.
183
00:06:27,065 --> 00:06:28,999
- So you broke up with Cece...
- I didn't break up with either one of them.
184
00:06:29,033 --> 00:06:30,534
What do you mean?
185
00:06:30,568 --> 00:06:32,169
You process this however
you need to process it.
186
00:06:32,203 --> 00:06:33,437
If you want to keep talking it out...
187
00:06:33,471 --> 00:06:34,838
- Which one are you dating?
- Both.
188
00:06:34,873 --> 00:06:36,473
- Are you dating Cece?
- I'm dating Cece.
189
00:06:36,508 --> 00:06:37,841
- Are you dating Elizabeth?
- Yes.
190
00:06:37,876 --> 00:06:39,343
- How do you do that?
- They made me choose.
191
00:06:39,377 --> 00:06:40,511
You have to choose.
192
00:06:40,545 --> 00:06:41,778
You can't have both women.
193
00:06:41,813 --> 00:06:42,913
What was I supposed to do?
194
00:06:42,947 --> 00:06:44,882
What, you think you can
have a bunch of wives?!
195
00:06:44,916 --> 00:06:45,883
You got one wife!
196
00:06:45,917 --> 00:06:48,018
This is the way the world works!
197
00:06:48,052 --> 00:06:50,220
- Why?!
- I don't know.
198
00:06:50,255 --> 00:06:52,156
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.
199
00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:54,124
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?
200
00:06:54,159 --> 00:06:55,692
I don't know, I feel really badly about it!
201
00:06:56,895 --> 00:06:59,029
In your little brain,
202
00:06:59,063 --> 00:07:01,064
how do you see this ending?
203
00:07:01,099 --> 00:07:02,366
I see it ending badly.
204
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,368
I see it ending very, very badly.
205
00:07:04,402 --> 00:07:05,636
But you know what? I just...
206
00:07:05,670 --> 00:07:06,737
(chuckles)
207
00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:08,505
I want to thank you, though,
208
00:07:08,540 --> 00:07:10,440
just for being there for me
and for listening to me. No.
209
00:07:10,475 --> 00:07:12,176
I'm not listening to you
and I'm not there for you.
210
00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:13,877
- Because now we're in this together.
- We're not in this together
211
00:07:13,912 --> 00:07:15,245
and I'm not listening
and I'm not being there,
212
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:16,713
so just stop telling me things!
213
00:07:16,838 --> 00:07:18,605
What would you like me to
do with this information?
214
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,707
Well, it really helped me to tell you.
215
00:07:20,742 --> 00:07:23,143
- You should tell somebody, get it off your chest.
- I can't.
216
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:24,544
- You know what I mean?
- Like... who?
217
00:07:24,579 --> 00:07:26,179
- Well, certainly not Jess.
- (retching)
218
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:28,282
- Don't ever tell Jess.
- The one person you can't tell is Jess.
219
00:07:32,146 --> 00:07:33,146
Hello, Picca?
220
00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:34,814
Yes, I need a table for five.
221
00:07:34,849 --> 00:07:37,450
This is author Toni Morrison.
222
00:07:37,484 --> 00:07:38,484
I am?
223
00:07:38,519 --> 00:07:39,519
Well, oh, yeah?
224
00:07:39,553 --> 00:07:40,987
Well, I think you're a woman!
225
00:07:41,021 --> 00:07:42,188
Hello?
226
00:07:42,223 --> 00:07:43,323
Okay, here's what it is.
227
00:07:43,357 --> 00:07:45,358
Just lie to her, Nick.
228
00:07:45,392 --> 00:07:46,926
It's a relationship... men
and women lie to each other
229
00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:48,494
all the time; it's what
makes marriages work.
230
00:07:48,529 --> 00:07:49,796
Just lie...
231
00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:51,164
Oh, you can lie...
232
00:07:51,198 --> 00:07:53,499
Yes, I talked to Schmidt.
233
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:55,835
Don't act like an alien;
just lie to a woman.
234
00:07:55,870 --> 00:07:57,770
It's... (exhales)
235
00:07:57,805 --> 00:07:58,972
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt.
236
00:07:59,006 --> 00:08:00,506
It's fine, it's not a big deal.
237
00:08:00,541 --> 00:08:01,841
JESS: Hey, Nick.
238
00:08:01,876 --> 00:08:04,344
How was your day?
239
00:08:04,378 --> 00:08:07,313
Nothing... (mumbling)
240
00:08:07,348 --> 00:08:09,616
Why are you wearing a helmet?
241
00:08:09,650 --> 00:08:12,252
Oh, hi.
242
00:08:14,054 --> 00:08:15,855
Don't tease me, Nick.
243
00:08:15,890 --> 00:08:17,557
Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex?
244
00:08:18,659 --> 00:08:19,926
Oh, yes.
245
00:08:27,434 --> 00:08:29,702
Sorry about that.
246
00:08:29,737 --> 00:08:31,638
(sighs) Look at us.
247
00:08:31,672 --> 00:08:35,475
(high-pitched): Community
table, like a little community.
248
00:08:35,509 --> 00:08:36,509
(chuckles)
249
00:08:52,593 --> 00:08:54,560
Call that seat.
250
00:08:54,595 --> 00:08:55,929
That's my seat.
251
00:08:55,963 --> 00:08:57,030
- Come on.
- Yeah.
252
00:08:57,064 --> 00:08:58,865
Oh, no, where are y'all going?
253
00:08:58,899 --> 00:09:00,566
Dibs on those seats, dibs on that.
254
00:09:00,601 --> 00:09:01,734
Put that for me right there.
255
00:09:01,769 --> 00:09:03,102
Hey, put that right there for me.
256
00:09:03,137 --> 00:09:05,405
That was amazing.
257
00:09:05,439 --> 00:09:08,207
Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes.
258
00:09:08,242 --> 00:09:11,077
(laughing): They jam the
radar with literal jam.
259
00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:14,280
Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt?
260
00:09:16,617 --> 00:09:18,217
What's going on, Nick?
261
00:09:19,553 --> 00:09:21,387
Schmidt! Hey!
262
00:09:22,323 --> 00:09:23,856
My best friend?!
263
00:09:23,891 --> 00:09:25,792
You Long Island street trash!
264
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:27,026
Damn it, Nick, you told her?
265
00:09:27,061 --> 00:09:28,094
No, he didn't tell me!
266
00:09:28,128 --> 00:09:29,629
I... I happened upon it.
267
00:09:29,663 --> 00:09:31,431
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?
268
00:09:31,465 --> 00:09:32,899
Jess, I never wanted
to be involved in this.
269
00:09:32,933 --> 00:09:33,933
You're so pretty.
270
00:09:33,968 --> 00:09:35,301
Put your freakin' visor down.
271
00:09:35,336 --> 00:09:38,104
Now, you... you're gonna tell Cece
272
00:09:38,138 --> 00:09:41,240
or I will, you... you crumb bum!
273
00:09:41,275 --> 00:09:42,241
- Jess...
- You crumb bum.
274
00:09:42,276 --> 00:09:43,409
Yes, well said.
275
00:09:43,444 --> 00:09:45,111
- You are a lowlife.
- I... I get it.
276
00:09:45,145 --> 00:09:47,714
- How could you do this to her?
- Jess, I am so sorry.
277
00:09:47,748 --> 00:09:50,183
I made up a dance so
everyone will be happy.
278
00:09:53,454 --> 00:09:55,288
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,
279
00:09:55,322 --> 00:09:56,956
and you have to tell her the truth.
280
00:09:56,991 --> 00:09:58,257
Jess, please, this would wreck her.
281
00:09:58,292 --> 00:09:59,625
I'm begging you.
282
00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:01,961
I... I know you don't believe
me, but I do care about her.
283
00:10:01,996 --> 00:10:04,797
Either you tell her or I will, Schmidt.
284
00:10:04,832 --> 00:10:06,966
(humming)
285
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:12,638
You're right.
286
00:10:12,673 --> 00:10:14,674
I'll tell her.
287
00:10:15,843 --> 00:10:16,809
(grunts)
288
00:10:16,844 --> 00:10:19,512
(sputters)
289
00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:21,814
Yo, what it be?
290
00:10:21,849 --> 00:10:22,882
Double date night!
291
00:10:24,318 --> 00:10:26,352
What's, uh, what's going on?
292
00:10:27,354 --> 00:10:28,321
Tell her.
293
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:30,990
Tell her.
294
00:10:31,025 --> 00:10:33,359
Okay, okay.
295
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,930
We're taking two cars. It's
faster that way because of gas.
296
00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,332
- No phones.
- What?
297
00:10:39,366 --> 00:10:40,466
Here you go; I got the door, it's okay.
298
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,035
Go! Go!
299
00:10:46,018 --> 00:10:48,019
Cigarette, phone call, bathroom. Okay.
300
00:10:54,059 --> 00:10:56,194
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.
301
00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:58,663
Okay, so what do you think...
that over the past two hours,
302
00:10:58,697 --> 00:11:02,033
I, as a single person, have
ordered eight separate entrees
303
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:03,835
and have taken bites of different sizes
304
00:11:03,869 --> 00:11:07,505
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?
305
00:11:07,539 --> 00:11:10,041
(chuckles): Do you know
how insane you sound?
306
00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:13,811
God, I hate this job.
307
00:11:17,216 --> 00:11:19,350
- You need to slow down.
- I got it. Don't worry.
308
00:11:19,385 --> 00:11:20,451
What's going on, man?
309
00:11:20,486 --> 00:11:22,186
You guys were acting
all so weird back there,
310
00:11:22,221 --> 00:11:24,389
- and you're driving like a maniac.
- Oh, geez.
311
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:27,345
You know, I didn't want to
have to say anything, but...
312
00:11:27,379 --> 00:11:28,746
What?
313
00:11:28,780 --> 00:11:30,114
Here we go.
314
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:33,451
- Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
- What?!
315
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,586
Apparently, they met at some gas station.
316
00:11:35,621 --> 00:11:37,522
She's much older. Much, much older.
317
00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,056
Deeply Korean.
318
00:11:39,091 --> 00:11:40,258
I just found out.
319
00:11:40,292 --> 00:11:42,193
And, I mean, Nick is
my best friend and all,
320
00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:44,028
but I can't even be in the same room
321
00:11:44,062 --> 00:11:45,429
as that scumbag right now!
322
00:11:45,464 --> 00:11:48,099
Oh, I'm so mad! I'm just so, so mad!
323
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:49,934
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.
324
00:11:49,968 --> 00:11:51,369
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
325
00:11:51,403 --> 00:11:53,104
- (tires screeching)
- Oh, why, God?!
326
00:11:53,138 --> 00:11:54,605
He was the best of us!
327
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,641
- Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
- Sorry.
328
00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,643
JESS: Oh, Nick, go, go!
329
00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:00,211
We're gonna lose them!
330
00:12:00,245 --> 00:12:02,280
You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!
331
00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:03,714
Look, if I get another ticket,
332
00:12:03,749 --> 00:12:05,616
they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
333
00:12:05,651 --> 00:12:07,318
Why didn't you get involved back there?
334
00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,053
Look, look, here's the reality.
335
00:12:09,087 --> 00:12:10,655
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend,
336
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:12,089
and he's also really scary.
337
00:12:12,124 --> 00:12:14,425
You are so afraid of everything.
338
00:12:14,459 --> 00:12:16,294
Oh, really? Would a
man afraid of everything
339
00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:18,429
- put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
- I don't know...
340
00:12:18,463 --> 00:12:19,630
Don't do that. That's just stupid!
341
00:12:19,665 --> 00:12:21,465
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You wimp.
342
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,134
(screams)
343
00:12:23,168 --> 00:12:24,569
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God!
344
00:12:24,603 --> 00:12:25,970
- Jess, are you okay?
- It really hurts.
345
00:12:26,004 --> 00:12:27,338
- Oh, my Lord, are...
- It's so hot!
346
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,806
- Come here. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
347
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,241
Are you okay? Look, I'm gonna do it.
348
00:12:30,275 --> 00:12:31,776
Ow! Oh.
349
00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:32,643
Why did you do that?
350
00:12:32,678 --> 00:12:33,844
So that we were both
351
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,012
in the same amount of pain!
352
00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:36,414
I'm gonna junk-punch him.
353
00:12:36,448 --> 00:12:37,815
Turn the car around. We're
going to the restaurant.
354
00:12:37,849 --> 00:12:39,183
Why would you... ? That seems rash.
355
00:12:39,217 --> 00:12:40,451
Maybe... I don't know.
356
00:12:40,485 --> 00:12:41,986
Maybe staying away for a while,
357
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:43,454
or at least... I don't
know... talking about it,
358
00:12:43,488 --> 00:12:45,089
hearing his side. I don't...
359
00:12:45,123 --> 00:12:46,691
Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly,
360
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,326
and there is no excuse for it.
361
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,861
The only thing that you can do
362
00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:52,263
is punch it in the junk.
363
00:12:52,297 --> 00:12:53,497
Or you could really understand it
364
00:12:53,532 --> 00:12:55,166
emotionally from their point of view.
365
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,034
You don't know. Maybe
they had a tough childhood.
366
00:12:57,069 --> 00:12:59,103
- Turn the car around, Schmidt.
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian.
367
00:12:59,137 --> 00:13:01,372
- I don't know.
- Turn the car around!
368
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,140
Yeah, let's do it. Let's
turn the car around.
369
00:13:03,175 --> 00:13:04,609
Let's go to Picca.
370
00:13:04,643 --> 00:13:06,510
I'm gonna turn the car around
as soon as I turn this...
371
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:08,212
Turn the car around Schmidt!
372
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,715
- As soon as I turn the car around.
- Now!
373
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,283
As soon as I turn this car around...
374
00:13:12,317 --> 00:13:14,151
Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go!
375
00:13:14,186 --> 00:13:15,720
And I'm turning the
car around. Let's do it.
376
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,488
- (horn honking)
- (chuckles) Here we come.
377
00:13:17,522 --> 00:13:19,824
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
378
00:13:19,858 --> 00:13:21,726
Looks like he lost a wing.
379
00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:27,198
(speaking gibberish, clicking tongue)
380
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,435
(speaking gibberish)
381
00:13:33,372 --> 00:13:34,739
Hey, Jess.
382
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,207
Yeah, fourth message.
383
00:13:36,241 --> 00:13:38,409
Just a friendly time update.
384
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,812
8:13. Hope to God you
guys aren't bailing on me,
385
00:13:41,847 --> 00:13:44,215
or maybe you just lost
track of time being couples!
386
00:13:44,249 --> 00:13:45,650
(forced laugh)
387
00:13:45,684 --> 00:13:48,085
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
388
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,166
SCHMIDT: We're never
gonna find this restaurant;
389
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:02,099
maybe we should just go home.
390
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,234
- There it is!
- Here it is.
391
00:14:03,268 --> 00:14:05,236
(tires screech)
392
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:11,942
MAN: Welcome!
393
00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:14,311
- Can I have your car, sir?
- Oh.
394
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,581
Sir?
395
00:14:17,616 --> 00:14:19,250
Sir?
396
00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:24,789
Sir?
397
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,091
I'm on the phone.
398
00:14:27,125 --> 00:14:29,427
All right, time's up. You
got to get out of here.
399
00:14:29,461 --> 00:14:31,128
Uh, th... that's my friend.
400
00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,431
That's my friend. See? See? I told you all.
401
00:14:33,465 --> 00:14:34,632
Huh? I got friends.
402
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:35,866
- Everybody? Hmm?
- (applause)
403
00:14:35,901 --> 00:14:37,268
- (clears throat)
- That's my friend right there.
404
00:14:37,302 --> 00:14:38,636
Where the hell is Nick?!
405
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,404
How did I even beat him here?!
406
00:14:40,439 --> 00:14:43,207
- That was the slowest ride of my entire life!
- Oh, Jess...
407
00:14:43,241 --> 00:14:46,277
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.
408
00:14:46,311 --> 00:14:48,879
- Look, she's my best friend.
- Yeah.
409
00:14:48,914 --> 00:14:51,115
And Schmidt is mine. That's why
I didn't want to get involved.
410
00:14:51,149 --> 00:14:54,952
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.
411
00:14:57,456 --> 00:14:59,757
(car door closes)
412
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:04,128
Sir?
413
00:15:04,162 --> 00:15:06,030
(knocking on car door)
414
00:15:06,064 --> 00:15:07,832
(knocking continues)
415
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,433
What's up, big cat?
416
00:15:09,468 --> 00:15:10,935
MAN: Sir? Sir?
417
00:15:10,969 --> 00:15:13,771
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.
418
00:15:13,805 --> 00:15:16,574
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
419
00:15:16,608 --> 00:15:18,743
It's $12 to... ?
420
00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:21,078
One sec. Hey, it's self-park!
421
00:15:21,113 --> 00:15:23,481
The maroon car is self-park!
422
00:15:26,017 --> 00:15:28,352
It's an excessive amount of money.
423
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:31,188
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
424
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:33,657
Look, I know you didn't, okay?
425
00:15:33,692 --> 00:15:36,360
But now it's time you do
the right thing, Schmidt.
426
00:15:38,363 --> 00:15:40,030
I can't go in there.
427
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:42,466
Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
428
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,670
MAN: Hello? (knocking)
429
00:15:46,705 --> 00:15:48,305
Open the door.
430
00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:51,342
- Wait, Cece!
- Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
431
00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:53,043
I have something to tell you! What?
432
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,712
No, I have something I need to tell you.
433
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:55,846
(groaning)
434
00:15:55,881 --> 00:15:57,515
Oh, my God, what are you doing, Cece?!
435
00:15:57,549 --> 00:16:00,484
Why did you do that?! (sighs)
436
00:16:00,519 --> 00:16:01,886
- (high-pitched screaming)
- Cece.
437
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,621
You nipped the corner!
438
00:16:03,655 --> 00:16:06,223
Wait, Cece. Uh... okay. I...
439
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:08,092
Cece, he's not...
440
00:16:10,162 --> 00:16:12,530
I lied to you. I...
441
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:17,501
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.
442
00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,409
(sighs)
443
00:16:29,748 --> 00:16:31,649
Uh, I hate to do this right now,
444
00:16:31,683 --> 00:16:34,618
but if we don't sit,
we will lose this table.
445
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:42,207
SCHMIDT: Cece, I'm sor... I'm sorry.
446
00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:44,376
I don't... I just...
447
00:16:44,411 --> 00:16:46,712
(chuckles)
448
00:16:46,746 --> 00:16:49,982
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
449
00:16:50,016 --> 00:16:52,952
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
450
00:16:52,986 --> 00:16:54,753
Oh, let's talk. Let's... we...
451
00:16:54,788 --> 00:16:56,121
this should be fine.
452
00:16:56,156 --> 00:16:57,489
(Schmidt sighs)
453
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:59,491
I didn't want to hurt you.
454
00:16:59,526 --> 00:17:01,427
You have to know that
455
00:17:01,461 --> 00:17:02,995
I did not want to hurt you.
456
00:17:03,029 --> 00:17:04,263
Please, I... I'm begging you.
457
00:17:04,297 --> 00:17:05,698
If you take anything away from this,
458
00:17:05,732 --> 00:17:07,566
know that I did not want to hurt you.
459
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,801
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
460
00:17:08,835 --> 00:17:10,970
Especially you.
461
00:17:11,004 --> 00:17:12,805
You have no idea
462
00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:14,807
what you mean to me.
463
00:17:14,841 --> 00:17:18,143
And I got caught up in this thing, and...
464
00:17:18,178 --> 00:17:22,181
I used to be so fat.
465
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:25,851
I mean, like... truly gigantic.
466
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,823
I mean, as big as... as
big... as big as it gets.
467
00:17:30,857 --> 00:17:35,494
And now... and now I'm not, and
girls like me, and I don't...
468
00:17:35,528 --> 00:17:37,863
I don't know how to do this.
469
00:17:37,897 --> 00:17:40,132
I got lost.
470
00:17:41,468 --> 00:17:43,836
And I'm sorry.
471
00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:46,005
You're sorry?
472
00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:47,906
You didn't want to hurt anybody?
473
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:49,942
That's the best you can do, Schmidt?
474
00:17:49,976 --> 00:17:52,611
Really?
475
00:17:52,645 --> 00:17:55,247
I don't know.
476
00:17:55,281 --> 00:17:57,316
I don't know you.
477
00:17:58,752 --> 00:18:00,552
(sniffles)
478
00:18:00,587 --> 00:18:03,055
Good-bye, Schmidt.
479
00:18:03,089 --> 00:18:04,590
(sighs)
480
00:18:17,814 --> 00:18:20,716
I'm just realizing that I
don't have any cash on me.
481
00:18:22,485 --> 00:18:25,521
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,
482
00:18:25,555 --> 00:18:28,557
that would be... greatly appreciated.
483
00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:32,775
Cece still hasn't called me.
484
00:18:32,809 --> 00:18:34,710
Do you think you could test my phone again?
485
00:18:34,745 --> 00:18:37,379
I can't. I don't have any more minutes.
486
00:18:37,414 --> 00:18:39,014
Minutes, Nick?!
487
00:18:39,049 --> 00:18:41,050
Who still has minutes on their phone?!
488
00:18:41,084 --> 00:18:43,552
I bought 10,000 minutes in
1999, and I'm still using them.
489
00:18:43,587 --> 00:18:44,887
I'm sorry. I just...
490
00:18:44,921 --> 00:18:47,089
I... I really want to be there for her.
491
00:18:47,124 --> 00:18:48,591
You are, okay?
492
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:51,127
And she'll call, 'cause she needs you.
493
00:18:51,161 --> 00:18:53,429
(sighs): Hell.
494
00:18:53,463 --> 00:18:55,798
This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.
495
00:18:55,832 --> 00:18:57,633
Yeah.
496
00:18:57,807 --> 00:19:00,142
Look...
497
00:19:00,176 --> 00:19:01,777
I'm here for you.
498
00:19:01,811 --> 00:19:04,513
There is nothing I know more than the fact
499
00:19:04,547 --> 00:19:07,883
that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?
500
00:19:14,624 --> 00:19:16,959
Unless we're driving.
501
00:19:16,993 --> 00:19:19,061
You admitted to driving
while legally blind!
502
00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:20,863
No, because you're honestly
the worst backseat...
503
00:19:20,897 --> 00:19:23,299
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!
504
00:19:23,333 --> 00:19:25,935
- Legally blind.
- Whoever has the wheel controls the car!
505
00:19:25,969 --> 00:19:27,403
ELIZABETH: You liar!
506
00:19:27,437 --> 00:19:30,005
Here's your pie!
507
00:19:37,514 --> 00:19:39,915
You broke my heart.
508
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:41,750
Mail me my mouth guard.
509
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,487
(door slams)
510
00:19:45,522 --> 00:19:47,723
In case you were wondering
511
00:19:47,757 --> 00:19:50,559
if Cece had Elizabeth's
number, sh... she does.
512
00:19:50,593 --> 00:19:54,096
So, tough time in
Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?
513
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:56,131
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,
514
00:19:56,166 --> 00:19:57,633
Jess.
515
00:19:57,667 --> 00:19:59,134
I blame you for this whole thing.
516
00:19:59,169 --> 00:20:02,137
- You can't seriously...
- I was going to fix it.
517
00:20:03,707 --> 00:20:05,474
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
518
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,143
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,
519
00:20:08,178 --> 00:20:10,145
should it take me the rest of my life,
520
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:12,147
I'm going to break the two of you up.
521
00:20:12,182 --> 00:20:14,817
- Bring it, Schmidt.
- It's impossible. We're really strong.
522
00:20:14,851 --> 00:20:16,352
It will be when you least expect it,
523
00:20:16,386 --> 00:20:18,320
which might be when you most expect it.
524
00:20:18,355 --> 00:20:20,656
Could actually be when you're
watching the movie version
525
00:20:20,690 --> 00:20:22,524
of What to Expect When You're Expecting.
526
00:20:22,559 --> 00:20:23,926
Regardless...
527
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,663
I... am coming...
528
00:20:27,697 --> 00:20:29,398
for you.
529
00:20:33,203 --> 00:20:35,070
Oh, my God, Schmidt is
so scary. You were right.
530
00:20:35,105 --> 00:20:37,106
We have to talk about the things
531
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,640
- that he could use to pull us apart, okay?
- Okay.
532
00:20:38,675 --> 00:20:40,142
Okay. Okay, politics.
533
00:20:40,176 --> 00:20:41,543
You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
534
00:20:41,578 --> 00:20:43,679
- I'm in the Green Party.
- Oh, that is so annoying.
535
00:20:43,713 --> 00:20:47,182
Okay, I have been banned for
my lifetime from Lake Ontario.
536
00:20:47,217 --> 00:20:48,717
- Don't ask.
- Okay.
537
00:20:48,752 --> 00:20:50,386
- What else do you have?
- My fear of pears.
538
00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:52,521
Okay, you're afraid of pears?
539
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:53,689
And pear-shaped people.
540
00:20:53,723 --> 00:20:55,457
Um, that's interesting.
541
00:20:55,492 --> 00:20:56,992
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
542
00:20:56,997 --> 00:20:58,263
I've just memorized a lot of words.
543
00:20:58,268 --> 00:21:00,302
The doctors say I might
grow another 18 inches.
544
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:01,627
That's a different image of you,
545
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,329
but I'm gonna get past
that, and I'm past it.
546
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:05,264
- Okay, the moon landing...
- Mm-hmm.
547
00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:07,333
- Uh, which is obviously fake.
- No, it's not obviously fake.
548
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,834
- No, that's actually not what...
- Are you crazy?
549
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,102
The moon landing is
definitely fake, by the way.
550
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:11,170
- The moon landing's not...
- What?!
551
00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:12,304
The shadows are off.
552
00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:13,348
- No, they're not.
- Yes, they are.
553
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:14,858
I've looked at photos on the
Internet, and it proves it.
554
00:21:15,142 --> 00:21:16,809
- Nick, that's...
- The shadows are off, the shadows are off... !
555
00:21:16,844 --> 00:21:19,425
Shadows are not... those
photos are Photoshopped.
556
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:21,287
- That's not true.
- People do that as a joke
557
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,755
- to trick stupid people.
- Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop...
558
00:21:22,789 --> 00:21:24,456
- No, that's...
- Wait a minute.
559
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:27,426
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
560
00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:29,862
- Unbelievable. Good call.
- Okay, this is good. Let's keep going.
561
00:21:29,896 --> 00:21:31,014
- I totally agree. Okay.
- Let's keep going. Okay.
562
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,850
I... kind of want to get a gun.
563
00:21:33,851 --> 00:21:34,851
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to Lady Bucks.
564
00:21:36,784 --> 00:21:37,478
Ok.
565
00:21:39,979 --> 00:21:41,933
I prefer the ***.
566
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,261
I think it's the best one.
567
00:21:43,262 --> 00:21:44,945
- I know that you're very into it...
- It's not.
568
00:21:44,946 --> 00:21:46,726
Yes, it is. He's very charming.
569
00:21:46,727 --> 00:21:48,927
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
570
00:21:48,928 --> 00:21:50,944
I believe horses are from outer space.
571
00:21:50,945 --> 00:21:52,581
- I believe that too!
- Ok. Good.
572
00:21:52,582 --> 00:21:59,386
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