1
00:00:18,373 --> 00:00:20,873
So I've been thinking
a lot about it, and...
2
00:00:20,908 --> 00:00:24,144
I'd really like to start calling you
"Shorty" in public.
3
00:00:24,178 --> 00:00:27,116
By the way, my office is throwing
a party tomorrow, and I would...
4
00:00:27,151 --> 00:00:29,050
- I'd really like for you to be there.
- Well, I have a photo shoot,
5
00:00:29,085 --> 00:00:30,455
but I think I could
come after that.
6
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,123
(Phone chirps) Oh, yeah,
well, that sounds good.
7
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,291
Who's that?
8
00:00:33,326 --> 00:00:34,995
Hmm?
9
00:00:35,029 --> 00:00:36,398
(Chuckles)
It's my doctor.
10
00:00:36,433 --> 00:00:38,168
Uh, D-Dr. Cover.
11
00:00:38,202 --> 00:00:41,875
Doc-Doctor Wyland Cover.
He's my oncologist.
12
00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:44,044
- He's an oncologist.
- WINSTON: Hey,
13
00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:45,547
you guys know
anything about cats?
14
00:00:45,581 --> 00:00:47,049
Yeah, I'm trying
to score some points with Daisy,
15
00:00:47,085 --> 00:00:48,753
so I promised to watch
her cat tonight.
16
00:00:48,787 --> 00:00:50,420
They carry disease,
they're obsessed with my nipples,
17
00:00:50,455 --> 00:00:52,522
and they are unwelcome
in this loft.
18
00:00:52,556 --> 00:00:55,390
Did you just say that cats are
obsessed with your nipples?
19
00:00:55,424 --> 00:00:57,224
I've told you this story before.
20
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,261
(Cats purring and meowing)
21
00:01:02,268 --> 00:01:05,738
I think I would have remembered
that story.
22
00:01:05,772 --> 00:01:07,206
No cats.
23
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,441
(Groans) Come on, bangs,
you sons of bitches.
24
00:01:09,475 --> 00:01:10,942
- Here, let me do 'em, Jess.
- What?
25
00:01:10,976 --> 00:01:13,709
- Nick, Nick, stop.
- What?
26
00:01:13,743 --> 00:01:15,242
- Stop, you're gonna ruin it.
- I'm not gonna ruin...
27
00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:17,008
I was... I was making
'em look prettier.
28
00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,177
- No, you weren't.
- Then they look perfect as is.
29
00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,445
Can I ask you a question?
30
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,913
Absolutely... we having
this thing right now?
31
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,847
- Do I look okay?
- Do you look okay?
32
00:01:23,881 --> 00:01:25,247
- Yeah.
- Hell yeah!
33
00:01:25,282 --> 00:01:26,880
I want to put it on you.
34
00:01:26,915 --> 00:01:28,414
On? Put it on me?
35
00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:30,549
Yeah, on... I stand by that.
36
00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:32,417
I'd like to put it on you.
37
00:01:33,286 --> 00:01:34,719
What is wrong, Jess?
38
00:01:34,753 --> 00:01:36,954
I've been at this new school
for a week now
39
00:01:36,988 --> 00:01:38,722
and I still haven't made
any friends.
40
00:01:38,756 --> 00:01:40,725
There's, like,
a clique of teachers,
41
00:01:40,759 --> 00:01:43,028
and they run the school.
42
00:01:43,162 --> 00:01:46,131
♪ You keep bumpin' me
against the wall ♪
43
00:01:46,165 --> 00:01:47,933
♪ Yeah, I know
I let you slide before ♪
44
00:01:47,967 --> 00:01:51,135
♪ Hey, but until you seen me,
trust me ♪
45
00:01:51,169 --> 00:01:52,803
♪ You ain't seen bouncin' back ♪
46
00:01:52,837 --> 00:01:55,774
♪ You keep bumpin' me
against the wall ♪
47
00:01:55,809 --> 00:01:57,477
I just want them to like me.
48
00:01:57,511 --> 00:01:58,979
I know it sounds dumb, but...
49
00:01:59,013 --> 00:02:00,482
Leave it to me.
I'll fix it.
50
00:02:00,516 --> 00:02:02,951
You're Nick Miller's girl now.
You're my old lady.
51
00:02:02,985 --> 00:02:04,885
- What?
- Whatever you need, you got it.
52
00:02:04,919 --> 00:02:06,265
Why are you talking like
a James Taylor song?
53
00:02:06,333 --> 00:02:07,457
I don't know.
54
00:02:07,492 --> 00:02:09,990
Hey, either of you guys
know anything about cats?
55
00:02:10,024 --> 00:02:12,625
Oh, my God, Schmidt has
the greatest cat story!
56
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,161
- Ugh, I was there... it's disgusting.
- You shut your damn mouth, Jess.
57
00:02:15,196 --> 00:02:16,163
Thought it was cute...
58
00:02:16,197 --> 00:02:17,630
Oh, grow up!
59
00:02:17,665 --> 00:02:19,843
Nothing came out.
60
00:02:20,665 --> 00:02:22,500
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
61
00:02:22,535 --> 00:02:24,538
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess ♪
62
00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,922
3.02 - Nerd
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com
63
00:02:30,124 --> 00:02:32,490
You know what? I've never
actually seen you this happy.
64
00:02:32,524 --> 00:02:35,238
- Who are you?
- I don't know, it's weird.
65
00:02:35,273 --> 00:02:37,133
I've never seen you smile.
Ever.
66
00:02:37,168 --> 00:02:39,284
This is the first time.
It's not bad.
67
00:02:39,319 --> 00:02:41,236
- I mean, it's not great.
- Yeah, I agree.
68
00:02:41,271 --> 00:02:42,516
Somewhere right in the middle.
69
00:02:42,551 --> 00:02:44,356
- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Of course.
70
00:02:44,391 --> 00:02:46,204
Hypothetically speaking,
what if you met somebody
71
00:02:46,238 --> 00:02:50,174
that you... that you liked,
uh, just as much as Jess?
72
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:51,609
Schmidt, stop.
73
00:02:51,644 --> 00:02:53,111
Okay, you picked Cece,
so let Elizabeth go.
74
00:02:53,145 --> 00:02:54,779
Initially I said
"hypothetically," so just...
75
00:02:54,813 --> 00:02:56,681
Do you know a place I can get
cheap school supplies?
76
00:02:56,715 --> 00:02:58,283
I only have $15
77
00:02:58,317 --> 00:02:59,884
and a halfie...
$15 and a halfie.
78
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,963
- A halfie?
- Yeah, it's a half.
79
00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:03,020
It got ripped, so it's a half.
80
00:03:03,055 --> 00:03:04,289
No one's gonna accept
that as currency.
81
00:03:04,323 --> 00:03:06,257
Hey, what's up, guys?
82
00:03:06,292 --> 00:03:08,026
- Did you press the button?
- I thought you pressed the button!
83
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:09,861
What is wrong with you?!
84
00:03:09,895 --> 00:03:12,730
- What did you do when you walked in?
- Talked to you.
85
00:03:12,765 --> 00:03:14,299
Guys, I'm gonna go pick up
Daisy's cat.
86
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:16,434
You know, you don't just ask anybody
to take care of your cat.
87
00:03:16,468 --> 00:03:17,568
That's a very serious thing,
88
00:03:17,603 --> 00:03:20,104
so I decided
I'm gonna go over there
89
00:03:20,139 --> 00:03:22,774
and I'm gonna ask Daisy
to be my girlfriend.
90
00:03:22,808 --> 00:03:24,108
- You are?
- Whoa!
91
00:03:24,143 --> 00:03:25,410
- Yeah.
- Major move!
92
00:03:25,444 --> 00:03:27,812
- Good stuff.
- Look at you, man.
93
00:03:27,846 --> 00:03:30,081
So I'm just gonna go over there
and I'm gonna tell Daisy,
94
00:03:30,115 --> 00:03:34,752
"Listen, my heart is a two-man bike,
and I want you in the rear."
95
00:03:34,787 --> 00:03:36,888
What do you think?
96
00:03:36,922 --> 00:03:39,666
Winston, don't say that.
You want her in your...?
97
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,059
You can say "the rear."
You don't want her in your rear.
98
00:03:41,093 --> 00:03:42,727
No, don't say
"the rear" at any time.
99
00:03:42,761 --> 00:03:43,828
- You guys are just jealous.
- What?
100
00:03:43,862 --> 00:03:45,463
You guys are gonna steal
my swag.
101
00:03:45,497 --> 00:03:47,799
I wouldn't even know how
to begin to steal a swag.
102
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,967
- I thought you pressed the button.
- I've been way over here.
103
00:03:51,002 --> 00:03:53,771
- I-I haven't pressed...
- I'll press the button.
104
00:03:53,806 --> 00:03:57,475
Last night,
I rectified our budget
105
00:03:57,509 --> 00:04:02,180
while taking a long soak
in my new Jacooz.
106
00:04:02,214 --> 00:04:05,750
My elbows are as soft as babies.
107
00:04:05,784 --> 00:04:07,810
I love a soft elbow.
108
00:04:07,845 --> 00:04:09,187
How about you bring
that noise over here.
109
00:04:09,221 --> 00:04:11,255
(Teachers snickering)
Good meeting.
110
00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:12,924
Great, well...
111
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:14,792
Uh...
112
00:04:14,827 --> 00:04:17,128
(Laughter)
113
00:04:17,162 --> 00:04:19,197
- Foster's such a dork.
- He needs to get laid.
114
00:04:19,231 --> 00:04:20,798
I got laid.
(Chuckles)
115
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,468
This morning.
116
00:04:23,502 --> 00:04:25,103
From my boyfriend.
117
00:04:25,137 --> 00:04:26,437
So...
118
00:04:26,472 --> 00:04:29,474
coitus no-one-interruptus.
119
00:04:29,508 --> 00:04:33,177
That... because we finished, so...
120
00:04:33,212 --> 00:04:35,012
Why are you talking to us?
121
00:04:35,047 --> 00:04:37,381
- You have owl eyes.
- Yeah.
122
00:04:39,852 --> 00:04:40,818
Hey!
123
00:04:40,853 --> 00:04:41,819
(Quietly):
Trust me.
124
00:04:41,854 --> 00:04:43,287
What's up, teachers?
125
00:04:43,322 --> 00:04:46,057
Who wants free school supplies?
126
00:04:46,091 --> 00:04:48,635
- What are you doing here?
- Point to the ones who don't like you...
127
00:04:48,727 --> 00:04:50,528
- I can handle this myself.
- I'm fixing it for you.
128
00:04:50,562 --> 00:04:52,330
And then she... Yeah.
129
00:04:52,364 --> 00:04:55,333
Say, listen, why don't you guys
come to my bar later for free drinks.
130
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,601
Teachers don't pay.
131
00:04:57,669 --> 00:04:59,036
We'll think about it.
132
00:04:59,071 --> 00:05:00,471
Okay, they'll think about it.
133
00:05:00,506 --> 00:05:02,006
Bye.
134
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,975
Oh, my God.
135
00:05:04,009 --> 00:05:05,999
- That was genius.
- It's a no-brainer.
136
00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:07,845
Whoa, that's an amazing move,
sex partner.
137
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,480
Sex part...
138
00:05:09,515 --> 00:05:12,083
With the promotion, uh,
I got a new office,
139
00:05:12,117 --> 00:05:14,886
so I don't have to look at Bethany's
mismanaged eyebrows all day.
140
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,522
Do you like it?
It's a perfect two-thirds replica
141
00:05:17,556 --> 00:05:19,090
of Don Draper's
office from Mad Men,
142
00:05:19,124 --> 00:05:20,758
and you're my sexy Peggy.
143
00:05:20,793 --> 00:05:22,393
Good God,
at least shut the door.
144
00:05:22,428 --> 00:05:23,428
My tiny credenza is in the way.
145
00:05:23,462 --> 00:05:24,929
Hey, Elizabeth,
146
00:05:24,963 --> 00:05:26,431
are you gonna be coming
to the party tomorrow night?
147
00:05:26,465 --> 00:05:28,499
Party? What party?
148
00:05:28,534 --> 00:05:29,834
The big office party.
149
00:05:29,868 --> 00:05:32,270
Schmidt,
did you not invite her?
150
00:05:32,304 --> 00:05:35,440
I was just about to
invite you to go.
151
00:05:35,474 --> 00:05:37,341
Cool, it's a date.
152
00:05:37,376 --> 00:05:38,709
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
153
00:05:38,744 --> 00:05:40,244
Mwah, mwah.
154
00:05:41,814 --> 00:05:43,247
How... how dare you interfere
155
00:05:43,282 --> 00:05:44,882
with my personal life,
you crone.
156
00:05:44,917 --> 00:05:46,584
I don't...
I don't kick up a fuss
157
00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:49,120
when you massage yourself
with your yoga ball.
158
00:05:49,154 --> 00:05:51,289
Oh, I'm sorry,
were you gonna invite Cece?
159
00:05:51,323 --> 00:05:54,792
Beth, please. I am in love
with both of these women.
160
00:05:54,827 --> 00:05:57,128
Do I feel bad
about lying to them?
161
00:05:57,162 --> 00:05:59,297
Yes. I'm a Sagittarius.
162
00:05:59,331 --> 00:06:01,199
Congrats on your new office.
163
00:06:01,233 --> 00:06:03,267
Gina gave birth on that carpet.
164
00:06:09,408 --> 00:06:11,375
Consider this closed.
165
00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:14,078
WINSTON:
Right, so, yeah, um...
166
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:18,049
Um, so, Daisy, what I was
really trying to say...
167
00:06:18,083 --> 00:06:20,051
is, uh...
168
00:06:20,085 --> 00:06:21,452
Is your shower running?
169
00:06:21,487 --> 00:06:22,787
Yeah, I was just about
to take a shower.
170
00:06:22,821 --> 00:06:24,055
- What's going on?
- Okay.
171
00:06:24,089 --> 00:06:27,992
Um, Daisy, I think
what we have is real,
172
00:06:28,026 --> 00:06:30,328
and, uh, I want us
to be exclusive...
173
00:06:30,362 --> 00:06:34,832
just you and me in the rear.
174
00:06:34,867 --> 00:06:37,568
Yeah, that sounds great.
175
00:06:37,603 --> 00:06:40,037
Awesome, um...
176
00:06:41,807 --> 00:06:44,473
Sorry, that's mine.
177
00:06:44,508 --> 00:06:45,443
So, Furguson gets
178
00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:47,478
his wet food in the morning,
dry food at night.
179
00:06:47,513 --> 00:06:49,347
(Shower turns off)
180
00:06:51,817 --> 00:06:53,818
Somebody in there?
181
00:06:53,852 --> 00:06:54,852
No.
182
00:06:54,887 --> 00:06:56,621
(Toilet flushes)
183
00:06:56,655 --> 00:06:57,855
No treats after midnight.
184
00:06:59,725 --> 00:07:03,995
"Oh, my name is Principal Foster,
and this is
185
00:07:04,029 --> 00:07:05,129
the Jacooz."
186
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,430
- "The Jacooz."
- (Laughs)
187
00:07:06,465 --> 00:07:08,266
He's so nice, don't you think?
188
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:10,924
He's such a nice boss.
189
00:07:10,959 --> 00:07:12,418
(Clears throat)
190
00:07:12,671 --> 00:07:15,339
Y'all want some drinks?
191
00:07:15,374 --> 00:07:16,641
- Yeah, okay.
- Yep.
192
00:07:16,675 --> 00:07:18,543
- Yeah. Thank, thank you.
- Thank you.
193
00:07:18,577 --> 00:07:20,611
What do you think?
I think it's going really well.
194
00:07:20,646 --> 00:07:21,879
Okay, I just realized
what's happening.
195
00:07:21,914 --> 00:07:23,548
It's high school over there,
196
00:07:23,582 --> 00:07:25,883
and they're the cool kids,
and you're the nerd.
197
00:07:25,918 --> 00:07:27,451
I was never a nerd.
198
00:07:27,486 --> 00:07:29,787
♪ On western wings
the fowls doth fly ♪
199
00:07:29,821 --> 00:07:32,456
♪ On briny swells
the fishes doth swim ♪
200
00:07:32,491 --> 00:07:34,392
Oh, like you were so cool.
201
00:07:34,426 --> 00:07:35,393
(Grunting)
202
00:07:35,427 --> 00:07:37,228
Stall!
203
00:07:37,262 --> 00:07:38,796
CROWD (Chanting):
Nick! Nick! Nick!
204
00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:40,598
(Crowd exclaims)
205
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,167
The Miller Sack Pack.
206
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:46,170
- Miller Sack Pack?
- They made shirts.
207
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,205
You know what? I'm not
explaining my coolness to you.
208
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,841
I was cool. Listen to me.
You want to be in with them?
209
00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:53,344
Roll with the punches,
go with the flow.
210
00:07:53,378 --> 00:07:55,313
Make fun of your boss a little bit.
211
00:07:55,347 --> 00:07:56,681
Don't follow your instincts.
212
00:07:56,715 --> 00:07:58,349
I wouldn't sing.
213
00:07:58,383 --> 00:08:01,185
But most importantly,
follow my lead.
214
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,155
And by "follow my lead,"
I mean drink.
215
00:08:04,189 --> 00:08:05,723
And I mean drink...
216
00:08:05,757 --> 00:08:07,758
a lot.
217
00:08:07,793 --> 00:08:10,595
Drinking to be cool, Nick?
That's not a real thing.
218
00:08:10,629 --> 00:08:13,431
That's the only thing in
the world I know to be true.
219
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,601
Schools are for fools!
220
00:08:16,635 --> 00:08:17,735
They are.
(Crowd cheering)
221
00:08:17,769 --> 00:08:20,271
Sometimes firemen are women!
222
00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:22,440
Sometimes! Sometimes!
(Crowd cheering)
223
00:08:25,082 --> 00:08:26,436
(Groaning)
224
00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:29,618
Hey, there she is.
Ol' Toilet Pants,
225
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:33,181
the girl who bet herself six dollars
she could dance in a toilet bowl.
226
00:08:33,216 --> 00:08:36,669
♪ Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
227
00:08:36,704 --> 00:08:38,938
♪ What's going on? ♪
228
00:08:38,973 --> 00:08:40,540
I'm cool.
229
00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:42,342
You are cool,
but you still got to go to work,
230
00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:43,877
'cause you're running late,
so up and at 'em.
231
00:08:43,911 --> 00:08:46,246
Hey, Nick, I got to talk to you.
I have a real problem.
232
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,672
- Oh, my God. Did you kill Jess?
- No, no, no, no.
233
00:08:48,707 --> 00:08:50,850
She just got really drunk last night,
and she passed out.
234
00:08:50,885 --> 00:08:52,552
Hey, guys.
235
00:08:52,586 --> 00:08:54,420
- Are you crying, buddy?
- No. (Chuckles)
236
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:55,722
Hey, did he kill Jess?
237
00:08:55,756 --> 00:08:58,258
- No, I didn't kill Je...
- (Groaning)
238
00:08:58,292 --> 00:08:59,859
Okay, remember
when I was so hungover,
239
00:08:59,894 --> 00:09:01,427
I almost missed
my flight for Christmas?
240
00:09:01,462 --> 00:09:02,595
Ah, count it down.
241
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:04,797
- Three, two, one.
- Two, one.
242
00:09:04,832 --> 00:09:08,101
(Off-key):
♪ I believe I can fly ♪
243
00:09:08,135 --> 00:09:10,703
♪ I believe
I can touch the sky ♪
244
00:09:10,738 --> 00:09:14,207
♪ I think about it
every night and day ♪
245
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:17,810
♪ Spread my wings
and fly away ♪
246
00:09:17,845 --> 00:09:19,479
♪ I believe I can soar ♪
247
00:09:19,513 --> 00:09:21,114
♪ Soar... ♪
248
00:09:21,148 --> 00:09:22,649
- I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.
- NICK: Oh, she's awake.
249
00:09:22,683 --> 00:09:24,479
That was beautiful.
Where are my tights?
250
00:09:24,514 --> 00:09:26,074
Uh, in the bathroom
where you barfed.
251
00:09:26,109 --> 00:09:27,754
You sounded
really good there, man.
252
00:09:27,788 --> 00:09:29,589
- Start the band.
- What did you do to her?
253
00:09:29,623 --> 00:09:31,524
I just told her that I thought
drinking would make her cool.
254
00:09:31,558 --> 00:09:33,359
What are you,
a 14-year-old hockey player?
255
00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:35,328
You're supposed to protect her,
not encourage her.
256
00:09:35,362 --> 00:09:37,864
Okay, I am protecting her.
She's my old lady now.
257
00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:40,266
- By turning her into you?
- I'm not...
258
00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:43,202
Yeah, Daisy cheating on me.
259
00:09:44,805 --> 00:09:46,873
Wait, we're using real honey?
260
00:09:46,907 --> 00:09:48,107
So sticky.
261
00:09:48,142 --> 00:09:50,376
Hey, babe!
What a nice surprise!
262
00:09:50,411 --> 00:09:52,078
I came to tell you
263
00:09:52,112 --> 00:09:54,380
that you can't come with me
to the party tonight.
264
00:09:54,415 --> 00:09:58,347
They just told me that it's
employees only. No sig oths.
265
00:09:58,382 --> 00:09:59,752
Just say "significant others."
266
00:09:59,787 --> 00:10:01,754
Maybe you have that kind of time,
but I'm on a tight sched.
267
00:10:01,789 --> 00:10:04,290
Looks like we're gonna go late
here anyway, so no worries.
268
00:10:04,325 --> 00:10:06,125
All right... Shorty.
269
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,393
(Laughs)
270
00:10:07,428 --> 00:10:09,329
All right, bring in the bees!
(Bees buzzing)
271
00:10:09,363 --> 00:10:10,863
Oh, wait.
The bees are real, too?
272
00:10:10,898 --> 00:10:12,365
Oh, hell no!
273
00:10:12,399 --> 00:10:14,300
Nick, I need your help, okay?
274
00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:15,735
Now, I am no plumber,
275
00:10:15,769 --> 00:10:18,805
but I'm 99% sure that there
was a guy in her bathroom.
276
00:10:18,839 --> 00:10:20,773
So, she agreed
to be exclusive with you...
277
00:10:20,808 --> 00:10:23,743
while the guy she is
obviously sleeping with
278
00:10:23,777 --> 00:10:27,280
was washing his size 15
ding-dong in the shower.
279
00:10:27,314 --> 00:10:29,582
And now you're taking care
of her cat.
280
00:10:29,616 --> 00:10:31,150
Those are the bullet points,
yes.
281
00:10:31,185 --> 00:10:34,187
You know what you got to do
to get yourself out of this situation.
282
00:10:34,222 --> 00:10:36,597
Break up with Daisy!
283
00:10:36,632 --> 00:10:39,275
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're
making some very good points.
284
00:10:39,310 --> 00:10:41,603
You know, break up with Daisy.
That's an option.
285
00:10:41,607 --> 00:10:43,753
I was thinking, like,
I'll kill her cat.
286
00:10:43,831 --> 00:10:44,831
Winston.
287
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,134
Yeah, I'm-I'm gonna
kill her cat first.
288
00:10:48,168 --> 00:10:49,535
- Hey.
- I'm gonna kill you.
289
00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:51,237
(Purring)
290
00:10:53,507 --> 00:10:55,341
MAN:
Hey, it's little Toilet Pants.
291
00:10:55,376 --> 00:10:56,509
Hey, Toilet Pants!
292
00:10:56,543 --> 00:10:59,087
♪ Toilet Pants! ♪
293
00:10:59,122 --> 00:11:00,780
Please stop shouting.
294
00:11:00,814 --> 00:11:01,814
You are so awesome.
295
00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:04,150
I want to show you something.
296
00:11:04,184 --> 00:11:05,952
Oh!
297
00:11:05,986 --> 00:11:07,220
Oh. Oh. Oh.
298
00:11:08,555 --> 00:11:10,423
You're one of us now.
299
00:11:10,457 --> 00:11:13,259
You never have to drink
out of a paper cup again.
300
00:11:13,293 --> 00:11:14,894
Fun mugs.
301
00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:19,298
This one makes me look
like I have a...
302
00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:20,967
- mustache.
- Mustache.
303
00:11:21,001 --> 00:11:22,001
BOTH:
Mustache.
304
00:11:24,638 --> 00:11:26,205
(Sighs)
305
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,207
- What's up, Winston?
- Oh, hey, Nick.
306
00:11:28,242 --> 00:11:31,210
You know, I couldn't figure out
the best way to kill Furguson,
307
00:11:31,245 --> 00:11:33,179
so I decided
to just let him choose
308
00:11:33,213 --> 00:11:35,114
how he wants to die.
309
00:11:35,149 --> 00:11:37,650
If only I could get him
to leave that damn sunbeam.
310
00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:41,580
- You're gonna murder a cat?
- Yeah.
311
00:11:41,615 --> 00:11:43,279
- This is a joke, right?
- No.
312
00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:46,059
- This is one of your pranks?
- An eye for an eye, Nick.
313
00:11:46,093 --> 00:11:47,460
A cat for a cat.
314
00:11:47,494 --> 00:11:49,128
But what's the other cat?
315
00:11:49,163 --> 00:11:51,531
My heart.
316
00:11:51,565 --> 00:11:53,566
JESS: Where's that big flashlight
you can hit people with?
317
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,235
Also, do we have any meat pieces
that might distract a dog?
318
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:58,404
NICK: Winston,
don't do anything stupid.
319
00:11:58,439 --> 00:12:00,673
- Jess, what are you doing?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. It's nothing.
320
00:12:00,707 --> 00:12:02,719
We're just breaking
into Foster's backyard,
321
00:12:02,754 --> 00:12:05,078
and we are gonna put
our butts in his Jacuzzi.
322
00:12:05,112 --> 00:12:06,494
You're gonna put your butts
in his Jacuzzi?
323
00:12:06,530 --> 00:12:08,618
- Isn't it awesome?
- Uh, no, it's not awesome. It's a crime.
324
00:12:08,716 --> 00:12:10,650
It's a very stupid crime,
but it's a crime.
325
00:12:10,684 --> 00:12:12,652
Hey, do you have any makeup
or costumes that might
326
00:12:12,686 --> 00:12:13,986
make someone look like a bush?
327
00:12:14,021 --> 00:12:15,521
You are about to commit a felony.
328
00:12:15,556 --> 00:12:18,558
Oh, my God, Nick!
You said roll with it!
329
00:12:18,592 --> 00:12:20,259
You're not the kind of person
who could break
330
00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:21,928
into the principal's house
and get away with it.
331
00:12:21,962 --> 00:12:23,689
You're the kind of person
who gets caught,
332
00:12:23,724 --> 00:12:25,765
and it ends up on the Internet
in a funny way.
333
00:12:25,799 --> 00:12:29,001
(Gasps) My God!
That is the cutest cat!
334
00:12:29,036 --> 00:12:30,336
Uh, don't get attached.
335
00:12:30,370 --> 00:12:32,171
Okay, both of you,
knock it off!
336
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:33,606
Winston!
337
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,274
Look, Nick, you're right.
338
00:12:35,309 --> 00:12:37,254
I'm a nerd.
I've never fit in.
339
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,910
If I met you in high school,
340
00:12:38,945 --> 00:12:41,199
you never would have even
noticed me.
341
00:12:41,234 --> 00:12:42,682
That's just because
I didn't go to class.
342
00:12:42,716 --> 00:12:45,518
- I wouldn't have seen you.
- I know it's stupid, but I'm doing it.
343
00:12:45,552 --> 00:12:47,687
- I'm not letting you go.
- Oh, you're not letting me?
344
00:12:47,721 --> 00:12:48,881
No.
345
00:12:48,992 --> 00:12:50,892
If for some reason
I don't come back tonight,
346
00:12:50,927 --> 00:12:54,779
I'll be at the Appleton Suites
under the name Suzuki Sinclair.
347
00:12:54,814 --> 00:12:56,596
- Ask for Charles.
- Don't... Hey, hey.
348
00:12:56,630 --> 00:12:58,397
We're not done with this conversation,
young lady!
349
00:12:58,432 --> 00:13:00,299
- Well, we are done!
- Oh, yeah, then where are you going?!
350
00:13:00,334 --> 00:13:02,068
- I'm getting a flashlight!
- Oh, a hammer, huh?
351
00:13:02,102 --> 00:13:03,703
- Hey, Winston, Winston.
- Good way to go. Thr...
352
00:13:03,737 --> 00:13:05,638
- Don't hurt that cat.
- Uh-huh.
353
00:13:05,672 --> 00:13:08,374
- Hey, Furguson? Furguson?
- You scared him. Don't do this.
354
00:13:08,408 --> 00:13:10,143
- Furguson?
- Winston!
355
00:13:10,177 --> 00:13:12,311
Winston, Winston,
stop what you... Stop!
356
00:13:12,346 --> 00:13:14,046
Don't do that scary walk!
357
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,616
Do not do that scary walk
that you do that scares me!
358
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,251
Hey, Jess? Jess?
359
00:13:18,285 --> 00:13:20,483
Je...?
Winston, don't kill that...!
360
00:13:20,518 --> 00:13:22,655
Jess!
I don't know what to do!
361
00:13:28,063 --> 00:13:29,523
- Oh, good Lord.
- What's wrong?
362
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,891
Nothing. You know what?
Let me show you the stairwell
363
00:13:31,925 --> 00:13:33,659
where they got the idea
for the escalator.
364
00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:38,564
Shorty! My love.
My only love.
365
00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:40,900
I'm sorry. I just... I quit that job,
and I had to see you.
366
00:13:40,934 --> 00:13:43,035
How emotional.
Let's go talk about it in private
367
00:13:43,069 --> 00:13:45,404
in a perfect two-thirds replica
of Don Draper's office.
368
00:13:45,438 --> 00:13:47,439
You stay here.
I'm gonna get you a drink.
369
00:13:47,474 --> 00:13:49,742
No, no, no, please,
you-you... you stay here.
370
00:13:51,912 --> 00:13:52,978
- So...
- Oh, God, what?
371
00:13:53,013 --> 00:13:55,414
They're both here.
The gas has been spilled.
372
00:13:55,448 --> 00:13:56,882
All we need is a match.
373
00:13:56,917 --> 00:13:59,632
- What, are you narrating a book?
- (Imitates explosion)
374
00:14:04,357 --> 00:14:05,925
(Meows)
375
00:14:05,959 --> 00:14:08,427
Here it comes.
376
00:14:08,461 --> 00:14:11,297
The long nap.
377
00:14:11,331 --> 00:14:12,598
(Meows)
378
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:17,303
Oh, wow. Tell you what,
man, we both need to just
379
00:14:17,337 --> 00:14:18,604
cool off and have a drink.
380
00:14:18,638 --> 00:14:20,406
You smoke?
I'm just kidding.
381
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,308
But, man,
that'd be cute if you did.
382
00:14:23,944 --> 00:14:25,778
What is wrong with me?
383
00:14:25,812 --> 00:14:28,447
It...
384
00:14:28,481 --> 00:14:31,350
(Sighs):
Oh, Furguson.
385
00:14:31,384 --> 00:14:34,420
So, listen, I've been dreaming
about this fantasy, and I think
386
00:14:34,454 --> 00:14:36,822
this party might be
the perfect place to try it out.
387
00:14:36,856 --> 00:14:38,791
Okay, but I can't get wet.
388
00:14:38,825 --> 00:14:42,094
No water. So, listen, you and I
are gonna be sexy strangers.
389
00:14:42,128 --> 00:14:45,464
Yeah? Now, your stranger is
the early-to-bed type,
390
00:14:45,498 --> 00:14:47,866
and your job has you
on Hong Kong time.
391
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:49,601
But the most important thing is,
392
00:14:49,636 --> 00:14:52,171
you're the first person
to leave the party.
393
00:14:52,205 --> 00:14:53,305
Whew. I like.
394
00:14:55,842 --> 00:14:57,376
- Wait, is that Cece?
- Is that who?
395
00:14:57,410 --> 00:14:58,544
Huh? No.
(Scoffs)
396
00:14:58,578 --> 00:15:01,714
- Cece. No.
- No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece.
397
00:15:05,819 --> 00:15:08,387
Sorry, in between modeling jobs,
she does catering.
398
00:15:08,421 --> 00:15:10,489
You mind if I go over there
and say hello?
399
00:15:10,523 --> 00:15:11,557
I think it's only right.
400
00:15:11,591 --> 00:15:13,425
Eh.
401
00:15:15,662 --> 00:15:17,162
- Hey.
- Hey, I know you told me to stay
402
00:15:17,197 --> 00:15:19,064
in the office,
but Beth insisted that I...
403
00:15:19,099 --> 00:15:20,799
Stay away from that woman.
She is patient zero
404
00:15:20,834 --> 00:15:22,528
in this office
for spreading HPV.
405
00:15:22,563 --> 00:15:23,669
Here. Put on this apron.
406
00:15:23,703 --> 00:15:25,671
No, why-why would I do that?
That's crazy.
407
00:15:25,705 --> 00:15:28,040
My boss was asking, so I
told her you were a caterer.
408
00:15:28,074 --> 00:15:30,042
So... just... It's a good idea.
409
00:15:30,076 --> 00:15:32,344
- Okay.
- Just... Yes.
410
00:15:32,379 --> 00:15:33,979
You really want me here,
don't you?
411
00:15:34,014 --> 00:15:36,115
So badly.
412
00:15:37,751 --> 00:15:39,518
Can we just come back
when we have a plan?
413
00:15:39,552 --> 00:15:40,853
Are you afraid?
414
00:15:40,887 --> 00:15:42,254
No, I'm not afraid.
415
00:15:42,288 --> 00:15:43,689
Rose, give me a boost.
416
00:15:43,723 --> 00:15:45,224
Here's Rose.
I got you.
417
00:15:45,258 --> 00:15:47,493
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
418
00:15:47,527 --> 00:15:48,894
(Grunts)
You got to help me a little.
419
00:15:48,928 --> 00:15:50,229
That's a hell of a grip, Rose.
420
00:15:50,263 --> 00:15:51,230
(Gasps)
421
00:15:51,264 --> 00:15:52,731
I see the Jacuzzi!
(Screams)
422
00:15:52,766 --> 00:15:54,433
(Bushes rustling)
Didn't stick the landing!
423
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:55,601
You're doing great.
424
00:15:55,635 --> 00:15:58,570
I'm gonna do a loop
to not attract suspicion.
425
00:15:58,605 --> 00:16:01,106
- All right.
- All right.
426
00:16:02,108 --> 00:16:03,742
Schmidt. I'm right here.
427
00:16:03,777 --> 00:16:06,011
Oh. Do I know you?
428
00:16:06,046 --> 00:16:07,446
Right.
429
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,714
(Whispers):
The fantasy.
430
00:16:08,748 --> 00:16:11,116
(Yawns):
Boy, I got to go.
431
00:16:11,151 --> 00:16:12,584
(Chuckles)
432
00:16:12,619 --> 00:16:15,254
I have a 5:00 a.m.
conference call with...
433
00:16:15,288 --> 00:16:17,056
the Asians.
434
00:16:17,090 --> 00:16:19,458
Are you leaving soon, stranger?
435
00:16:19,492 --> 00:16:20,959
You mean "Corporal"?
436
00:16:20,994 --> 00:16:23,295
And, no, I'm gonna stick around
and throw down one more beer.
437
00:16:23,329 --> 00:16:25,964
Sweet.
438
00:16:25,999 --> 00:16:27,599
Oh, hey.
439
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:28,967
Don't tell me you're leaving.
440
00:16:29,002 --> 00:16:30,369
Whew, great news.
441
00:16:30,403 --> 00:16:32,905
My boss is in her office
completely passed out.
442
00:16:32,939 --> 00:16:35,240
- We finally have the night to ourselves.
- Thank God.
443
00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,109
It's getting a little weird here,
right?
444
00:16:37,143 --> 00:16:39,278
Dressed up like this.
(Chuckles)
445
00:16:39,312 --> 00:16:41,080
(Sighs)
446
00:16:41,114 --> 00:16:43,182
That Elizabeth?
447
00:16:49,989 --> 00:16:53,659
Okay, look, Cece,
I-I got to tell you something.
448
00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:56,624
Does Elizabeth... work here?
449
00:16:56,963 --> 00:16:58,497
Yes.
450
00:16:58,531 --> 00:17:00,432
Hey.
451
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:02,101
We were just talking about you.
452
00:17:02,135 --> 00:17:03,502
The food was good.
453
00:17:03,536 --> 00:17:04,837
Yeah.
454
00:17:04,871 --> 00:17:07,172
I was thinking of
taking some home.
455
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:08,407
You deserve it.
456
00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:10,109
Okay, well, I'm heading off.
457
00:17:10,143 --> 00:17:13,545
(British accent): The Asian markets
wait for no one.
458
00:17:16,449 --> 00:17:17,483
Wow.
459
00:17:17,517 --> 00:17:20,152
She was ice cold to you.
460
00:17:20,186 --> 00:17:22,754
I'm gonna go get a drink.
(Chuckles)
461
00:17:22,789 --> 00:17:24,790
What a night.
462
00:17:33,439 --> 00:17:34,983
- JESS: I got this!
- Open the damn gate!
463
00:17:35,058 --> 00:17:36,710
- Everything's under control!
- Jess, hey!
464
00:17:36,791 --> 00:17:37,891
Don't move! I'm coming over!
Rose, move!
465
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:39,626
Jess, hey. I'm coming.
466
00:17:39,661 --> 00:17:41,862
- I got you.
- Whoa, hey, Rose!
467
00:17:41,896 --> 00:17:44,498
Ease up on the throttle.
Those are my precious goods.
468
00:17:44,532 --> 00:17:45,866
(Quietly):
Did you follow me here?
469
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:46,700
Here I come!
470
00:17:46,734 --> 00:17:49,303
- Nick.
- Hey.
471
00:17:49,337 --> 00:17:52,272
(Quietly): Hey, Jess. Jess, hey.
You okay?
472
00:17:52,307 --> 00:17:53,607
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry I tried
473
00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:55,976
to stick my nose in this.
I just...
474
00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:59,279
I just... I came here
because I'm your old man now.
475
00:17:59,314 --> 00:18:03,650
And if you're gonna do something
that's obviously very stupid...
476
00:18:03,685 --> 00:18:05,652
then I'm gonna do it with you.
477
00:18:08,389 --> 00:18:09,656
(Chuckles)
478
00:18:11,326 --> 00:18:12,292
Oh.
Oh, my God.
479
00:18:12,327 --> 00:18:14,027
- You go there.
- Ow.
480
00:18:14,062 --> 00:18:16,029
- What's going on out here?
- Hey.
481
00:18:16,064 --> 00:18:18,332
- Who are you?
- No, I-I used to live here.
482
00:18:18,366 --> 00:18:20,000
I was just doing a visit
around the neighborhood.
483
00:18:20,034 --> 00:18:22,169
That's my old bedroom
right there.
484
00:18:22,203 --> 00:18:23,704
That's a bathroom.
485
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:24,838
To you maybe it is.
486
00:18:24,873 --> 00:18:26,673
But to me and my four brothers,
487
00:18:26,708 --> 00:18:28,876
- that's a home.
- Nick.
488
00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:30,444
Nick, I can't let you do this.
489
00:18:30,478 --> 00:18:32,379
Mostly 'cause you're so bad at it.
490
00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:33,780
- Is that you, Ms. Day?
- Yes.
491
00:18:33,815 --> 00:18:35,616
It is. I'm so sorry.
492
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:37,885
I trespassed on your property.
493
00:18:37,919 --> 00:18:42,956
And I would not be surprised
if you fired me.
494
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:46,393
I think I know
what's really going on here.
495
00:18:46,427 --> 00:18:50,564
You heard about
my new... Jacooz.
496
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:54,201
And you wanted a taste.
497
00:18:54,235 --> 00:18:56,069
♪ And say a little prayer
for right ♪
498
00:18:56,104 --> 00:18:59,139
♪ You know that if we are
to stay alive ♪
499
00:18:59,174 --> 00:19:02,576
Come on in, kids.
The water's hot!
500
00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:04,144
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
501
00:19:04,179 --> 00:19:05,145
(Foster sighs)
502
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,480
♪ Doo-doo-doo... ♪
503
00:19:06,514 --> 00:19:08,615
Hey, babe.
Thanks for watching him.
504
00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:10,651
He can be a real pain
in the ass, huh?
505
00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:12,219
Yeah...
506
00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:13,987
Was there a dude
in your shower yesterday?
507
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,256
Yes.
508
00:19:16,291 --> 00:19:17,624
Hmm.
How do you know him?
509
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:18,959
From sex.
510
00:19:18,993 --> 00:19:21,595
But it was from sex before
you and I were exclusive.
511
00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:24,398
Have you had sex with him since?
512
00:19:24,432 --> 00:19:25,399
No.
513
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:26,800
Oh, wait. Yes.
514
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,168
Last night.
515
00:19:28,203 --> 00:19:31,605
Look, um...
I really liked you, Daisy.
516
00:19:31,639 --> 00:19:34,308
You know, I wanted this
to be a thing, but, uh...
517
00:19:34,743 --> 00:19:36,643
I deserve better.
518
00:19:38,313 --> 00:19:40,180
And so does Furguson.
519
00:19:40,215 --> 00:19:41,181
Hmm?
520
00:19:41,216 --> 00:19:42,883
I'm keeping the cat.
521
00:19:44,886 --> 00:19:46,486
I got your cat!
522
00:19:47,522 --> 00:19:50,324
(Slow clapping)
523
00:19:52,561 --> 00:19:55,362
Well, Schmidt, you win.
524
00:19:55,396 --> 00:19:57,965
They both really love you.
525
00:19:57,999 --> 00:20:00,834
So... enjoy your office.
526
00:20:04,205 --> 00:20:06,440
- Hey! Toilet Pants!
- Oh!
527
00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:08,675
(All cheering)
Toilet Pants!
528
00:20:08,710 --> 00:20:10,677
Thanks for taking the bullet
for us the other night.
529
00:20:10,712 --> 00:20:13,780
How long were you stuck
in that Jacuzzi for?
530
00:20:13,815 --> 00:20:15,949
I don't really want
to talk about it, but, um,
531
00:20:15,984 --> 00:20:19,553
at one point, he did grab
my foot with his toes
532
00:20:19,587 --> 00:20:21,822
like it was a hand.
533
00:20:21,856 --> 00:20:23,323
What are you doing tonight?
534
00:20:23,358 --> 00:20:25,058
'Cause we got a liquid
form of Ecstasy,
535
00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:26,727
and we're gonna grade
papers together. What?
536
00:20:26,761 --> 00:20:28,295
JESS:
I would love to,
537
00:20:28,329 --> 00:20:31,298
but I actually think
I'm gonna hang out...
538
00:20:31,332 --> 00:20:33,300
with my old man.
(Chuckles)
539
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:35,168
That's... weird.
540
00:20:35,203 --> 00:20:36,370
Cool.
541
00:20:36,404 --> 00:20:38,672
- See you.
- Weirdo.
542
00:20:38,706 --> 00:20:40,707
(Chuckles)
543
00:20:48,149 --> 00:20:50,083
Hi.
544
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:51,885
So I hear you're interested
in joining the Sack Pack.
545
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,687
I might be.
546
00:20:53,721 --> 00:20:55,355
Then perhaps this will
wet your whistle
547
00:20:55,390 --> 00:20:57,391
of what's fun
about being a member.
548
00:20:59,527 --> 00:21:01,328
- Just leave it.
- Yeah.
549
00:21:01,362 --> 00:21:03,897
You are terrible at Hacky Sack.
550
00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,332
I think I'm retiring.
551
00:21:05,366 --> 00:21:07,267
(Both laugh)
552
00:21:11,139 --> 00:21:13,273
Yeah, I just want to say...
553
00:21:13,308 --> 00:21:15,208
I would've noticed you.
554
00:21:15,243 --> 00:21:17,210
(Chuckles)
555
00:21:23,918 --> 00:21:26,086
(Chuckles)
556
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,521
Want to go do it
in the teachers' lounge?
557
00:21:27,555 --> 00:21:28,855
- Yes.
- You do?
558
00:21:28,890 --> 00:21:30,524
Oh, I'm gonna do it
with a teacher!
559
00:21:32,593 --> 00:21:35,662
Shh.
560
00:21:35,697 --> 00:21:36,963
(Purring)
561
00:21:36,998 --> 00:21:39,733
(Chuckling softly)
562
00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:42,536
Okay, something is
definitely coming out.
563
00:21:42,570 --> 00:21:45,105
(Chuckling)
564
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:46,506
I think we should go.
565
00:21:49,518 --> 00:21:51,411
(Schmidt giggles)
566
00:21:51,565 --> 00:21:57,457
Sync and corrected by ScreamingPanda
www.addic7ed.com