1 00:00:03,654 --> 00:00:06,456 (Whispers): Oh, my God! 2 00:00:08,959 --> 00:00:10,126 (Sighs) 3 00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:15,532 (Snoring) 4 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,900 Oh, you kissed her! You idiot! 5 00:00:18,367 --> 00:00:20,503 You... 6 00:00:20,570 --> 00:00:21,904 (Groans) 7 00:00:21,971 --> 00:00:23,005 (High-pitched gasp) 8 00:00:29,512 --> 00:00:31,146 No, no, no. (Muffled shrieking) 9 00:00:31,214 --> 00:00:32,815 I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't. No, no, no. 10 00:00:32,883 --> 00:00:34,816 I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't doing anything, I... 11 00:00:34,884 --> 00:00:36,250 (Whispering): Do not walk away from me. 12 00:00:36,318 --> 00:00:38,286 Do not. You are not. 13 00:00:38,353 --> 00:00:40,187 You're doing it. Nick? 14 00:00:40,255 --> 00:00:41,255 - Shamone. - He did. 15 00:00:45,661 --> 00:00:46,795 (Sighs) 16 00:00:46,862 --> 00:00:48,530 (Yawning) 17 00:00:48,597 --> 00:00:51,465 (Both yawning loudly) 18 00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:52,933 Oh. 19 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,935 Ugh, my God. 20 00:00:55,002 --> 00:00:56,537 Oh, I just woke up. 21 00:00:56,604 --> 00:00:58,739 I've been sleeping for hours and hours. 22 00:00:58,807 --> 00:01:00,541 Nice. Me, too. 23 00:01:00,608 --> 00:01:02,342 Let's see here. 24 00:01:03,445 --> 00:01:06,278 Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails. 25 00:01:09,249 --> 00:01:11,818 Hey, Sam, um... 26 00:01:12,585 --> 00:01:13,619 I have to tell you something. 27 00:01:13,687 --> 00:01:16,355 How do you always look so beautiful in the morning? 28 00:01:16,423 --> 00:01:18,458 Sometimes I can't even look at you. 29 00:01:18,525 --> 00:01:20,259 I can't even-- I got to look away. 30 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:21,693 I can't even look at you right now. 31 00:01:21,761 --> 00:01:23,628 Wait, but I got to. Now I got to look away. 32 00:01:24,096 --> 00:01:25,931 I just can't resist. Oh, geez. 33 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,200 (Laughs) 34 00:01:27,248 --> 00:01:28,990 What were you gonna say? 35 00:01:31,170 --> 00:01:32,403 Nothing. 36 00:01:32,472 --> 00:01:34,005 It was nothing. 37 00:01:36,275 --> 00:01:36,908 Jess? 38 00:01:36,976 --> 00:01:38,076 Nick kissed me. 39 00:01:39,511 --> 00:01:42,413 Wha...?! 40 00:01:42,481 --> 00:01:44,715 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 41 00:01:44,783 --> 00:01:45,716 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 42 00:01:45,784 --> 00:01:46,851 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 43 00:01:46,852 --> 00:01:50,120 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 44 00:01:50,121 --> 00:01:51,155 (Whistles) 45 00:01:51,223 --> 00:01:53,891 (Groans): Oh, man. Okay. 46 00:01:53,959 --> 00:01:56,593 I had the best sex of my life last night. 47 00:01:56,660 --> 00:01:58,161 Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk. 48 00:01:58,229 --> 00:01:59,229 Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. 49 00:01:59,297 --> 00:02:01,198 You hear that? Pretty good! 50 00:02:01,265 --> 00:02:02,065 This is important. 51 00:02:02,133 --> 00:02:03,700 And I ain't even use my hands. 52 00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:04,807 You didn't use your hands? 53 00:02:04,869 --> 00:02:06,403 Well, just I did a lot of side stuff. 54 00:02:06,471 --> 00:02:07,371 Okay, Winston, you're killing me. 55 00:02:07,438 --> 00:02:08,872 I really need to talk to you, 56 00:02:08,939 --> 00:02:11,019 and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you. 57 00:02:11,041 --> 00:02:12,541 Well, I got my mojo back, baby! 58 00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:14,743 I'm the Mojo Man! 59 00:02:14,811 --> 00:02:17,413 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that. 60 00:02:17,481 --> 00:02:19,015 Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we? 61 00:02:19,082 --> 00:02:20,649 (Whispers): Mo-Mo-Mojo Man. 62 00:02:20,717 --> 00:02:21,717 I got to tell Sam. 63 00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:23,319 I can't tell Sam! 64 00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:24,487 I didn't even do anything wrong! 65 00:02:24,554 --> 00:02:25,654 Nick kissed me! 66 00:02:25,722 --> 00:02:27,822 I didn't even kiss him back! 67 00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:29,590 Okay, fine! I kissed him back! 68 00:02:29,658 --> 00:02:30,925 Is that what you want me to say? 69 00:02:30,993 --> 00:02:32,293 I literally haven't said a word 70 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:33,828 for, like, over an hour. (Groans) 71 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,176 And now he won't even talk to me, 72 00:02:35,231 --> 00:02:36,631 'cause I saw him this morning 73 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,599 and he just panic moonwalked away from me. 74 00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:39,907 - He what? - He does that sometimes. 75 00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:42,936 Man. Terrorism. 76 00:02:46,174 --> 00:02:48,008 And then... ha! 77 00:02:48,076 --> 00:02:49,776 Nick just... He just... 78 00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:50,844 Kisses you. 79 00:02:50,912 --> 00:02:52,312 Stupid Nick Miller. (Grunts) 80 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,260 How was it? Was it...? 81 00:02:53,281 --> 00:02:54,714 I was like Scarlett O'Hara 82 00:02:54,782 --> 00:02:56,583 in my freaking curtain dress... 83 00:02:56,651 --> 00:02:57,884 How did he do it? 84 00:02:57,952 --> 00:03:00,086 - He just, like, grabbed me. - Uh-huh. 85 00:03:00,154 --> 00:03:01,754 - And he just took me. - Oh, yeah. 86 00:03:01,821 --> 00:03:03,256 I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. 87 00:03:03,323 --> 00:03:05,824 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - It was firm, but tender. 88 00:03:05,892 --> 00:03:07,360 - Oh, damn. - Yeah, I mean, 89 00:03:07,428 --> 00:03:09,108 I saw thorough space and time for a minute, 90 00:03:09,163 --> 00:03:10,430 but that's not the point. 91 00:03:10,497 --> 00:03:11,830 Oh, man! 92 00:03:11,898 --> 00:03:12,831 Are you okay? 93 00:03:12,899 --> 00:03:14,799 I miss sex! 94 00:03:14,867 --> 00:03:17,669 I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month. 95 00:03:17,736 --> 00:03:19,371 - Mm. - I mean, what are you gonna do? 96 00:03:19,439 --> 00:03:21,173 (Groans) I mean, do you... 97 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,174 like Nick? 98 00:03:22,241 --> 00:03:24,109 Ah! Bah! 99 00:03:24,177 --> 00:03:25,110 Mm-hmm. (Laughs) 100 00:03:25,178 --> 00:03:26,878 Nah! Neh? 101 00:03:26,946 --> 00:03:28,280 (Giggles): Nick? 102 00:03:28,347 --> 00:03:29,281 (Laughs) 103 00:03:29,648 --> 00:03:30,681 No. 104 00:03:30,748 --> 00:03:32,383 (Chuckles) 105 00:03:32,451 --> 00:03:33,784 I don't like Nick. 106 00:03:33,851 --> 00:03:35,052 - Mm-hmm. - I like Sam, 'cause 107 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,853 Sam's the kind of guy who fixes things 108 00:03:36,921 --> 00:03:38,289 that you didn't even know were broken. 109 00:03:38,356 --> 00:03:40,057 And Nick is the type of guy 110 00:03:40,125 --> 00:03:43,458 who breaks things... that are... 111 00:03:43,795 --> 00:03:45,162 He breaks things! 112 00:03:45,230 --> 00:03:46,762 Look at that. It's for my grandma. 113 00:03:46,830 --> 00:03:48,664 Wow, that's... oh, no. 114 00:03:48,732 --> 00:03:50,266 - No, no, no, no, no, no. - What are you-- Nick! 115 00:03:50,334 --> 00:03:52,001 - No, let me just... - Nick, Nick, what are you...? 116 00:03:52,069 --> 00:03:53,069 - Okay, here, it's fine. - No! 117 00:03:53,104 --> 00:03:54,737 Nick, what are you...? 118 00:03:54,805 --> 00:03:57,807 I think those belong back on it. 119 00:03:57,874 --> 00:04:00,176 He is not getting in the way of me and Sam. 120 00:04:00,244 --> 00:04:02,078 He is not ruining this. 121 00:04:02,145 --> 00:04:03,479 - Mm. - So mad at him. 122 00:04:03,546 --> 00:04:04,846 I can't even be around him. 123 00:04:04,914 --> 00:04:06,081 Can I just spend the day with you? 124 00:04:06,149 --> 00:04:07,516 Oh. 125 00:04:07,984 --> 00:04:09,618 Well, um... 126 00:04:09,685 --> 00:04:13,018 Okay, I didn't tell you this before, actually, but, uh... 127 00:04:14,090 --> 00:04:15,190 SCHMIDT: Cece is going to 128 00:04:15,258 --> 00:04:16,691 an Indian marriage convention today 129 00:04:16,759 --> 00:04:18,459 to find herself a brown husband. 130 00:04:18,527 --> 00:04:19,827 Now, little does she know 131 00:04:19,894 --> 00:04:22,196 that I have signed up for the same convention. 132 00:04:22,264 --> 00:04:23,897 Gentlemen, there is nothing that says 133 00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:26,100 white men need not apply. 134 00:04:26,168 --> 00:04:27,568 You look like the fortune teller in Big. 135 00:04:27,636 --> 00:04:29,103 Wait a second, is it in the loft? 136 00:04:29,171 --> 00:04:30,871 Yes, Nick. 137 00:04:30,939 --> 00:04:33,341 The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, 138 00:04:33,408 --> 00:04:35,675 where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together 139 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,710 to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, 140 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,346 is in our loft. 141 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,780 So if it's not, then I'm coming with. 142 00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,682 I'm in, Schmidty. You finally got company. 143 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,784 - I'm coming. Let's do it. - The Mojo Man is in, too. 144 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,419 Mojo Man, Mojo Man. 145 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,021 Okay, neither of you are coming. 146 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:49,589 I've been studying up for a full week. 147 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,190 I can actually speak conversational Hindi. 148 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,359 If that conversation is: "Hello." "Hello." 149 00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:55,127 "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." 150 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,562 "More towels?" "Do you know where 151 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,896 the white person's toilet is?" 152 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,325 After that, it gets very confusing. 153 00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:00,566 Can you drive in that dress? 154 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,401 You're right, I can't. 155 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,109 - All right, you're driving. Let's go. - Yeah! 156 00:05:09,608 --> 00:05:11,209 Hi, I'm-I'm checking in. 157 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:12,443 My name's Cecilia Parikh. 158 00:05:12,511 --> 00:05:14,011 This is my best friend. 159 00:05:14,079 --> 00:05:15,547 She's just, she's just here to watch. 160 00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,215 All must participate. 161 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:19,217 We've had a lot of trouble with watchers. 162 00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:23,820 You participate or you go home. 163 00:05:25,256 --> 00:05:28,225 All right, you know what? What the hell. 164 00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:29,926 You're going to have to fill out a questionnaire. 165 00:05:29,994 --> 00:05:31,795 Information, education, resume. 166 00:05:31,862 --> 00:05:32,629 (Chuckles) 167 00:05:32,697 --> 00:05:33,963 Done. 168 00:05:34,031 --> 00:05:35,632 Thank you. 169 00:05:37,468 --> 00:05:38,467 (Gasps) 170 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,769 What the hell are you guys doing here? 171 00:05:40,837 --> 00:05:42,505 You look like a character from The Love Guru. 172 00:05:42,573 --> 00:05:44,006 Aw, thank you. 173 00:05:45,074 --> 00:05:45,874 Hello. 174 00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:48,010 I'd like to check in with my two friends here. 175 00:05:48,078 --> 00:05:49,645 Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, 176 00:05:49,713 --> 00:05:52,480 because I read the Website vigorously, kumari. 177 00:05:52,548 --> 00:05:53,416 - Oh, God. - That means "miss." 178 00:05:53,983 --> 00:05:55,217 My friend right there? 179 00:05:55,284 --> 00:05:56,885 Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer." 180 00:05:56,952 --> 00:05:58,019 I dropped out of ka-heel school. 181 00:05:58,087 --> 00:05:59,454 SCHMIDT: It's vakeel, man. 182 00:06:00,923 --> 00:06:01,856 What are you doing here? 183 00:06:01,924 --> 00:06:04,092 Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah... 184 00:06:04,159 --> 00:06:06,127 Oh! 185 00:06:06,195 --> 00:06:07,995 Nick, you're embarrassing me. 186 00:06:09,731 --> 00:06:11,497 WINSTON: Nick, what are you doing? 187 00:06:13,162 --> 00:06:14,329 WINSTON: Nick, Nick. 188 00:06:14,897 --> 00:06:16,629 N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? 189 00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,431 Stop moonwalking, man. (Groans) 190 00:06:18,499 --> 00:06:20,133 Man, you have been weird all morning. 191 00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:22,568 Hey, look, I kissed Jess. 192 00:06:25,305 --> 00:06:26,972 Say what you're gonna say. 193 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,508 (Groans): Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! 194 00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:31,110 Whoo! 195 00:06:31,677 --> 00:06:33,045 I thought that's what you were gonna say. 196 00:06:33,113 --> 00:06:34,413 I don't want a new roommate. 197 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,181 Look, don't... She's not moving out. 198 00:06:36,299 --> 00:06:37,533 I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! 199 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,768 I'm talking about you. 200 00:06:38,886 --> 00:06:40,119 When this thing blows up in your face-- 201 00:06:40,436 --> 00:06:41,603 and it will blow up in your face, Nick-- 202 00:06:41,671 --> 00:06:42,771 you're the one moving out. 203 00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,006 You think I like living with you? 204 00:06:45,074 --> 00:06:47,341 You have centipedes living under your bed! 205 00:06:47,409 --> 00:06:49,678 - Those weren't centipedes. - You've named your testicles, 206 00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:51,465 - and they're both named Sharon. - Yeah, so what? 207 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,347 I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking? 208 00:06:53,415 --> 00:06:54,895 Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything. 209 00:06:56,719 --> 00:06:58,679 Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right? 210 00:07:00,321 --> 00:07:03,123 All right. That's what I'm gonna do. 211 00:07:04,893 --> 00:07:06,127 (Groans) 212 00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,127 Oh, Sharon! 213 00:07:07,195 --> 00:07:08,195 - Get! Just... - Get...? 214 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,429 Get over here now. 215 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:10,898 Wait. What? 216 00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:13,067 You told me you had moved on. 217 00:07:13,134 --> 00:07:15,835 Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. 218 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,670 I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. 219 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,899 Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl. 220 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,607 Please leave. 221 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,643 You and I not being together does not make sense to me. 222 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,180 I miss your body 223 00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,647 and the things I used to do to it. 224 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,215 - Schmidt. - I'm talking about sex. 225 00:07:30,282 --> 00:07:34,086 Today is about me finding someone within my own culture 226 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,287 that I can build my life with. 227 00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:38,256 It's about more than sex. 228 00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:41,657 Our sex was about more than sex. 229 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,096 It was about history and memory 230 00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,296 and thousands of years of colonial suffering 231 00:07:46,364 --> 00:07:49,399 all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy. 232 00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:51,869 Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, 233 00:07:51,937 --> 00:07:53,938 "Blammo, that happened"? 234 00:07:55,005 --> 00:07:56,073 Blammo. 235 00:07:57,442 --> 00:07:59,176 Thank you. 236 00:08:00,878 --> 00:08:01,612 Hey. 237 00:08:01,679 --> 00:08:03,246 Oh, you can walk normally now, I see. 238 00:08:03,313 --> 00:08:04,680 I'm sorry I kissed you. 239 00:08:05,749 --> 00:08:06,549 Well, oh, wow. 240 00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:07,917 That was unexpected. 241 00:08:08,985 --> 00:08:09,652 Thanks, Nick. 242 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,821 - You know what, it was a mistake. - I feel better. 243 00:08:11,889 --> 00:08:13,223 - 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward. - Yeah, good. 244 00:08:13,290 --> 00:08:14,390 (Chuckles): Right. 245 00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:15,992 You were acting a little bit weird, 246 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,893 but honestly, for me, it was, like, a nothing kiss. 247 00:08:17,961 --> 00:08:19,995 You know, it was like kissing a cousin. 248 00:08:20,063 --> 00:08:21,329 It was so nonsexual and nothing. 249 00:08:21,897 --> 00:08:24,633 Well... I think it meant something. 250 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,568 You know, to you, 'cause you kissed me. 251 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,470 Mm-mm. 252 00:08:29,037 --> 00:08:31,006 I think you can admit it meant something to you, Nick. 253 00:08:31,074 --> 00:08:33,175 Oh, no, I-I'm telling you, it meant nothing to me. 254 00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,275 - I think it did. - No, no. 255 00:08:34,342 --> 00:08:36,310 I do things I don't mean all the time. 256 00:08:36,378 --> 00:08:37,678 Like this. You see this? Bottle of water. 257 00:08:37,746 --> 00:08:39,013 Why did I do that? I don't know. 258 00:08:39,081 --> 00:08:40,815 It doesn't mean anything. 259 00:08:40,883 --> 00:08:43,084 I think you can admit that it meant something to you. 260 00:08:43,152 --> 00:08:45,486 - Hey, Jessica, it didn't. - Hmm. 261 00:08:45,553 --> 00:08:48,055 It was a drinking game, and I was finishing the game. 262 00:08:48,123 --> 00:08:49,556 Yeah, but it happened after the game 263 00:08:49,624 --> 00:08:51,291 when it meant something. 264 00:08:51,358 --> 00:08:53,860 - Oh, so it meant something to you? - What? 265 00:08:53,928 --> 00:08:55,862 - It meant something to you. - No, don't... 266 00:08:55,930 --> 00:08:57,864 If you think some stupid, terrible kiss... 267 00:08:57,932 --> 00:08:59,599 - You're thinking about it right now! - No! 268 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,868 - I'm calling Sam and... - Oh, you're calling Sam right now? 269 00:09:01,936 --> 00:09:03,569 He's gonna come here and pick me up, 270 00:09:03,637 --> 00:09:05,371 - and, uh, we're leaving. - Oh, you are? 271 00:09:05,439 --> 00:09:07,940 Why are you running away? Because it meant something? 272 00:09:08,708 --> 00:09:10,442 We're not going anywhere. 273 00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:12,945 Meant nothing, Nick! 274 00:09:13,513 --> 00:09:15,247 HOST (Over speaker): Please look at the numbers on your name tags 275 00:09:15,315 --> 00:09:17,516 and go to the table with the corresponding numbers. 276 00:09:17,583 --> 00:09:19,285 These are your groupings. 277 00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,486 People with similar resumes and education backgrounds 278 00:09:21,554 --> 00:09:23,054 have been grouped together. 279 00:09:23,122 --> 00:09:25,924 34, 34, thir... 280 00:09:25,991 --> 00:09:26,958 Table 34! 281 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,093 We're at the same table! 282 00:09:29,161 --> 00:09:31,229 - So this is rock bottom. - I mean, call me crazy, 283 00:09:31,297 --> 00:09:33,397 but I think we're all getting married tonight. 284 00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:35,533 - Yeah, um... - The money table right here, Table 34! 285 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,302 Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been 286 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,336 just a little bit of a mistake with the tables. 287 00:09:39,403 --> 00:09:41,205 Over 30, no advanced degrees, 288 00:09:41,272 --> 00:09:43,240 part-time employment: Table 34. 289 00:09:43,308 --> 00:09:45,242 No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. 290 00:09:45,310 --> 00:09:46,844 I'm not famous or anything, 291 00:09:46,911 --> 00:09:49,246 but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. 292 00:09:49,314 --> 00:09:51,882 I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. 293 00:09:53,117 --> 00:09:54,851 (Chuckles) 294 00:09:54,918 --> 00:09:56,719 Definitely Table 34. 295 00:09:58,088 --> 00:09:59,989 (Sighs) 296 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,724 Excuse me? 297 00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:03,425 Uh, I didn't get assigned a table. 298 00:10:03,493 --> 00:10:05,427 Now, I know exactly what this is about... 299 00:10:05,495 --> 00:10:08,130 But I did assign you a seat. 300 00:10:08,198 --> 00:10:10,798 This one. Lap number one. 301 00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,969 Okay, so this is not a racial thing? 302 00:10:14,036 --> 00:10:15,403 Not yet, it isn't. 303 00:10:15,471 --> 00:10:17,038 Ah. 304 00:10:17,106 --> 00:10:18,639 I see what's happening here. 305 00:10:19,507 --> 00:10:20,608 You're feeling my mojo. 306 00:10:20,676 --> 00:10:24,009 You look like a jumpy cat, and I like that. 307 00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:27,314 Ooh, I like that. 308 00:10:27,382 --> 00:10:28,482 (Gasps) 309 00:10:28,549 --> 00:10:30,550 Like oversized blueberries. 310 00:10:30,618 --> 00:10:31,551 (Clicks tongue) 311 00:10:31,619 --> 00:10:32,652 (Sighs) 312 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,755 Mojo off. Mojo off. 313 00:10:34,822 --> 00:10:37,291 Schmidt, Table Seven, Table Seven. 314 00:10:37,359 --> 00:10:39,826 - What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too? - Hmm? I'm at Table Seven. 315 00:10:39,895 --> 00:10:41,228 (Sighs) 316 00:10:41,295 --> 00:10:41,928 What? 317 00:10:41,996 --> 00:10:44,197 Well, you should feel complimented. I feel slightly insulted. 318 00:10:44,765 --> 00:10:45,765 - What? - No offense. 319 00:10:45,832 --> 00:10:47,767 A lot of offense taken. Well, I'm just saying... 320 00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:49,468 - A lot. - Jess! 321 00:10:49,536 --> 00:10:50,536 - Hi! - Hi. 322 00:10:50,604 --> 00:10:52,071 - How are you? - Um, okay. 323 00:10:52,139 --> 00:10:54,507 Yeah, I checked in. Uh, they gave me my table. 324 00:10:54,574 --> 00:10:56,475 - Okay. - This is a weird date. 325 00:10:56,543 --> 00:10:58,210 I always thought we'd go bowling before we went 326 00:10:58,278 --> 00:10:59,677 to an Indian marriage convention. 327 00:10:59,745 --> 00:11:01,380 - What table are you at? - Uh, Table One, I think. 328 00:11:01,447 --> 00:11:04,249 Table One?! It's almost like you save lives or something. 329 00:11:04,317 --> 00:11:05,517 Oh, wait, you do. 330 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,221 Let's start the icebreakers. 331 00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:11,756 This exercise shows how physically compatible 332 00:11:11,824 --> 00:11:12,924 two people can be. 333 00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:27,405 Ow! My hand! 334 00:11:27,472 --> 00:11:28,439 What? 335 00:11:28,506 --> 00:11:29,740 Stupid man. 336 00:11:30,808 --> 00:11:31,607 Nice. 337 00:11:31,675 --> 00:11:32,909 - Yeah. - Ready? 338 00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:34,144 Three, two, ow. 339 00:11:34,211 --> 00:11:36,112 - Ow! No, no. Let's... - Up? 340 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:38,315 - No, you go down. - All right. I go down? 341 00:11:38,882 --> 00:11:40,683 Kind of just got to get in a little closer. 342 00:11:40,751 --> 00:11:41,484 JESS: Okay, I'm trying. 343 00:11:42,252 --> 00:11:43,353 Seriously. 344 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:49,324 Hey, dummy. 345 00:11:49,392 --> 00:11:51,226 Stop pointing your finger at me. That's so annoying. 346 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:52,995 Why are you drinking my beer? 347 00:11:53,763 --> 00:11:55,730 You point that finger at me one more time, I'm... 348 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,466 Why don't you just admit that that kiss meant something to you? 349 00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,134 - No, no! - I could tell it meant something, so admit it 350 00:11:59,202 --> 00:12:00,436 or I'll do this all day. I'll do it all day. 351 00:12:00,503 --> 00:12:02,636 HOST: Next challenge: Make a table 352 00:12:02,704 --> 00:12:05,773 out of nothing but newspaper and tape. 353 00:12:05,841 --> 00:12:08,476 Women look to your left, men to the right. 354 00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:09,777 These are your partners. 355 00:12:09,845 --> 00:12:11,412 Oh, you got to be kidding me. 356 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,114 First table that can hold a phone book wins. 357 00:12:13,182 --> 00:12:14,748 All right, so we have to make a table. 358 00:12:14,816 --> 00:12:15,950 Okay. 359 00:12:16,018 --> 00:12:17,151 - Give me the tape. - No. 360 00:12:19,753 --> 00:12:22,189 I'll tell you what's not made out of newspaper, 361 00:12:22,256 --> 00:12:24,691 that tight little ass of yours. 362 00:12:24,758 --> 00:12:26,893 Jess, you liked kissing me! It's fine to say that. 363 00:12:26,961 --> 00:12:28,928 No, I didn't. I'm not on my knee asking you 364 00:12:28,997 --> 00:12:30,630 to marry me; It was a nice kiss. 365 00:12:30,698 --> 00:12:33,200 You were like a dog and my mouth 366 00:12:33,267 --> 00:12:35,601 was like a bowl full of dog... milk! 367 00:12:35,668 --> 00:12:37,069 It was like a damn fairy tale, that kiss! 368 00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:38,871 It was the best kiss of your life. 369 00:12:38,938 --> 00:12:40,439 - Are you serious, Nick? - And you have to take 370 00:12:40,507 --> 00:12:42,441 a little responsibility, tarting around in that 371 00:12:42,509 --> 00:12:45,650 - little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed. - Tarting around? 372 00:12:45,678 --> 00:12:47,513 I'm a man, Jessica! 373 00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:49,715 - What? - Pink robes are my catnip. 374 00:12:49,782 --> 00:12:51,549 And we have a winning couple! 375 00:12:51,617 --> 00:12:53,118 BOTH: We are not a couple! 376 00:12:53,185 --> 00:12:55,520 - We're not a couple. - And this is a very bad table. 377 00:12:55,587 --> 00:12:57,055 - Terrible table. - And stop clapping, everybody. 378 00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:58,990 - This is awful. - Look. It won't hold anything. 379 00:12:59,058 --> 00:13:01,159 Be prepared to laugh! 380 00:13:02,227 --> 00:13:03,561 No, I mean, this is, like... 381 00:13:03,629 --> 00:13:04,729 NICK: I got it, I got it. 382 00:13:04,796 --> 00:13:06,530 Here, put it down. Just-- okay. 383 00:13:06,597 --> 00:13:08,999 Very weak table. 384 00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:11,134 Break! 385 00:13:12,703 --> 00:13:14,204 It's a strong table. 386 00:13:14,272 --> 00:13:16,440 Strong table, strong couple. 387 00:13:17,308 --> 00:13:19,076 Come on. Jump up, yeah. Jump up! Jump up! Jump up! 388 00:13:19,144 --> 00:13:20,444 - Whoa! Come on. - Wow. 389 00:13:20,512 --> 00:13:22,578 - Wow, yeah. It's real, man. - Come on. 390 00:13:22,646 --> 00:13:23,812 That's an impressive table! 391 00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:29,995 Congratulations on winning the table-building competition, baby. 392 00:13:29,996 --> 00:13:32,514 - Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so... - I didn't think it meant anything. 393 00:13:32,515 --> 00:13:34,548 - Yeah, no, just-- - Nick just drives me crazy. 394 00:13:34,549 --> 00:13:37,284 - It's like-- you know? - Yeah, I mean, I never... 395 00:13:37,352 --> 00:13:39,152 - Well, yeah, that's just... - That's what I was saying. 396 00:13:39,220 --> 00:13:40,353 Is there something I should know here? 397 00:13:40,421 --> 00:13:42,155 No. 'Cause... (Bell dings) 398 00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:43,023 HOST: Men, switch seats! 399 00:13:43,091 --> 00:13:44,424 No. Sam, stop. 400 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,359 'Cause... No, I want to talk to you. 401 00:13:46,427 --> 00:13:48,161 - Sam, I... - Do you like field hockey? 402 00:13:48,229 --> 00:13:50,496 I... Yeah. Yeah. 403 00:13:52,934 --> 00:13:55,034 - Hi! - Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass. 404 00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,002 So, when did you decide to become a model? 405 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,504 Oh. Didn't really think about it at all. 406 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,173 Someone just said they'd pay me for being pretty, so... 407 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,542 - I like your hat. - Shh. 408 00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:06,078 - It's my favorite color. - Shh... 409 00:14:08,749 --> 00:14:10,581 - I didn't say anything. - Shut up, shut up, shut up. 410 00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:12,383 So how many children do you want? 411 00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:15,754 Well, I have to start soon, so I guess I'll just jump right in. 412 00:14:16,821 --> 00:14:18,556 So, do you think through any of your decisions 413 00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:19,991 or do you always just do whatever you want? 414 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,093 Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. 415 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:24,262 I got a twist ending for you: Shut up. 416 00:14:24,329 --> 00:14:26,230 - What do you want, Table Seven? - Schmidt, just talk to your girl. 417 00:14:26,297 --> 00:14:27,965 - Hi! - You better watch it, buddy. 418 00:14:28,032 --> 00:14:29,767 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. 419 00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:32,136 - I will Cal-cut-a-bitch. - Schmidt! 420 00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:33,937 Don't worry, Ben Affleck. I'm not desperate. 421 00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,472 I don't date below Table Six. (Bell dings) 422 00:14:35,539 --> 00:14:37,507 HOST: Time's up. Switch places. 423 00:14:37,575 --> 00:14:38,842 Sam... 424 00:14:40,945 --> 00:14:42,311 That was not nice. He crossed a line. 425 00:14:42,379 --> 00:14:44,380 Schmidt, you said you would leave me alone. 426 00:14:44,447 --> 00:14:45,681 - You said you would leave... - He crossed a line. 427 00:14:45,749 --> 00:14:47,070 You said you would leave me alone. 428 00:14:50,053 --> 00:14:51,287 (Chuckles) 429 00:14:51,354 --> 00:14:53,189 Funny seeing you here. 430 00:14:55,391 --> 00:14:56,491 Hey. 431 00:14:56,558 --> 00:14:57,859 You have to go. 432 00:14:57,927 --> 00:14:58,961 Yeah, you have to go over there. 433 00:14:59,228 --> 00:15:00,496 Okay. Bye-bye. 434 00:15:00,563 --> 00:15:02,063 Go now. Hi. 435 00:15:02,631 --> 00:15:05,867 Um, Sam, I do have something to tell you. 436 00:15:07,536 --> 00:15:09,838 You know why we're at Table 34? 437 00:15:09,906 --> 00:15:13,239 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks. 438 00:15:13,442 --> 00:15:15,843 It's 'cause we don't think things through. 439 00:15:15,911 --> 00:15:18,378 You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. 440 00:15:18,446 --> 00:15:21,748 She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, 441 00:15:21,817 --> 00:15:24,651 and all we end up doing is hurting other people. 442 00:15:26,888 --> 00:15:28,689 I can't believe this. 443 00:15:28,756 --> 00:15:29,790 No. No, Sam... 444 00:15:31,325 --> 00:15:33,326 Sam? Wait. 445 00:15:33,393 --> 00:15:34,327 Sam, wait. 446 00:15:34,394 --> 00:15:35,895 I'm really sorry. 447 00:15:35,963 --> 00:15:37,430 I said I wanted to commit to this. 448 00:15:37,497 --> 00:15:38,798 I thought you understood what that meant. 449 00:15:38,866 --> 00:15:40,466 JESS: I do. I did. 450 00:15:40,534 --> 00:15:42,368 Hey, hey. Sam, listen. 451 00:15:42,436 --> 00:15:43,703 JESS: What? - Sam, hear me out. 452 00:15:43,770 --> 00:15:45,338 I kissed her, okay? 453 00:15:45,405 --> 00:15:46,905 She didn't kiss me. 454 00:15:46,973 --> 00:15:49,174 It didn't mean anything to her. 455 00:15:49,242 --> 00:15:50,742 Thank you. 456 00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:51,710 (Grunts) 457 00:15:51,777 --> 00:15:53,545 Oh, my God! 458 00:15:53,612 --> 00:15:55,780 (Groans) I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training. 459 00:15:55,849 --> 00:15:57,449 He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him. 460 00:15:57,516 --> 00:15:58,717 (High-pitched): I'm gonna kick your ass, man. 461 00:15:58,784 --> 00:16:00,219 SAM: Jess, it may not have meant something 462 00:16:00,286 --> 00:16:01,920 to you, but it meant something to me. 463 00:16:01,988 --> 00:16:04,722 Is there another doctor in the house?! 464 00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,390 With this crowd, I'm sure. 465 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:09,043 I'm done. So... 466 00:16:10,412 --> 00:16:12,046 Good-bye, Jess. 467 00:16:12,114 --> 00:16:13,915 No. Sam. 468 00:16:16,218 --> 00:16:18,352 Ice it, 24 hours. 469 00:16:18,670 --> 00:16:20,687 And keep it elevated. 470 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,457 - He even exits cool. - Oh, God. 471 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,945 Anu? I got something for you. 472 00:16:30,013 --> 00:16:31,598 Now, this is Freddy. 473 00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:33,466 As you can see, he has the exact 474 00:16:33,535 --> 00:16:35,301 same build as me, all right? 475 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:38,571 And he is totally available. Ain't that right, Freddy? 476 00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:41,040 That is what I call an arranged bang. 477 00:16:41,107 --> 00:16:42,875 (Makes explosion noise) 478 00:16:42,943 --> 00:16:46,276 Freddy, are you scared of being confined in small spaces? 479 00:16:49,349 --> 00:16:52,682 Oh, you'll do just fine. 480 00:16:53,402 --> 00:16:56,337 Now, just remember, wherever you are, 481 00:16:56,405 --> 00:16:58,472 the Mojo Man is there. 482 00:17:05,714 --> 00:17:07,315 (Sighs) 483 00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:09,616 Damn it, Schmidt. 484 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:14,188 I'm taking this. 485 00:17:14,255 --> 00:17:17,588 Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! 486 00:17:17,926 --> 00:17:19,726 You know, when I came here today, 487 00:17:19,794 --> 00:17:21,761 I thought India was a pretty cool country. 488 00:17:21,830 --> 00:17:23,297 You guys are obviously smart. 489 00:17:23,364 --> 00:17:25,764 You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, 490 00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:28,301 "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." 491 00:17:28,368 --> 00:17:31,701 Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. 492 00:17:31,805 --> 00:17:33,472 But what I didn't know 493 00:17:33,540 --> 00:17:36,175 is that you're a country full of blind idiots. 494 00:17:36,243 --> 00:17:37,276 - Oh, God. - Because in your midst 495 00:17:37,344 --> 00:17:39,911 walks a brown angel. 496 00:17:39,979 --> 00:17:41,813 That woman. Right there. 497 00:17:43,582 --> 00:17:45,150 I may be an idiot, 498 00:17:45,218 --> 00:17:47,285 but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. 499 00:17:48,988 --> 00:17:50,722 You people could've had it all. 500 00:17:50,789 --> 00:17:53,624 And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. 501 00:17:54,594 --> 00:17:57,261 Get your crap together, India. 502 00:17:57,329 --> 00:17:59,263 Schmidt... 503 00:17:59,331 --> 00:18:01,265 out! 504 00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:03,167 (Crowd murmuring) 505 00:18:04,903 --> 00:18:07,905 Hello. I didn't see you over here. 506 00:18:08,473 --> 00:18:09,673 I would love to... 507 00:18:09,741 --> 00:18:10,908 (Men murmuring) 508 00:18:10,976 --> 00:18:12,308 Sorry I didn't see you earlier. 509 00:18:12,376 --> 00:18:13,910 SCHMIDT: Okay. They're all-- okay. 510 00:18:13,978 --> 00:18:15,511 You don't all have to run over there at once. 511 00:18:15,579 --> 00:18:17,380 I mean, she... she's not that great, you guys. 512 00:18:17,414 --> 00:18:19,883 I mean, she's kind of old. 513 00:18:19,950 --> 00:18:21,451 You should see her areolas-- one's like a helicopter pad, 514 00:18:21,519 --> 00:18:23,286 the other one's like a, you know, like... 515 00:18:23,354 --> 00:18:24,588 like a tick bite. 516 00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:26,890 It's freaky. Very disorienting. 517 00:18:26,957 --> 00:18:28,457 ♪ It feels like a perfect night ♪ 518 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,393 NICK: Is this making you feel better at all? 519 00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:33,462 ♪ At midnight, to fall in love with strangers ♪ 520 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,231 ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ 521 00:18:36,299 --> 00:18:39,101 ♪ Yeah, we're happy, free, confused ♪ 522 00:18:39,168 --> 00:18:41,303 ♪ And lonely at the same time ♪ 523 00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:44,338 I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone! 524 00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:46,006 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 525 00:18:46,007 --> 00:18:47,208 How's that? 526 00:18:47,276 --> 00:18:50,044 You know when you get dumped and you're, like, racking your brain 527 00:18:50,112 --> 00:18:52,380 for what was it that I did wrong? 528 00:18:52,448 --> 00:18:54,315 Well, this is a really unique situation 529 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:57,184 in that I don't have to do that. 530 00:18:57,252 --> 00:18:59,420 Well, what happened? (Music stops) 531 00:18:59,487 --> 00:19:02,188 I'm sorry. I know what-- I know that it's my fault. 532 00:19:02,256 --> 00:19:03,657 I didn't mean it like... 533 00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,200 (Sighs) 534 00:19:05,225 --> 00:19:06,660 Jess, can I say something 535 00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:09,362 - that'll potentially not help this situation? - No. 536 00:19:09,431 --> 00:19:11,998 I've never been a home-wrecker. 537 00:19:12,566 --> 00:19:14,535 And I liked it. 538 00:19:14,602 --> 00:19:17,503 I mean, Sam was threatened by me. 539 00:19:17,571 --> 00:19:18,471 (Chuckles) 540 00:19:18,539 --> 00:19:20,540 I mean, I see that as a victory. 541 00:19:23,075 --> 00:19:25,408 But in-in more important... 542 00:19:26,847 --> 00:19:31,680 uh, ways, a huge, huge, devastating loss. 543 00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:32,517 For you. 544 00:19:34,053 --> 00:19:34,986 Should I call Cece? 545 00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:36,120 This feels like Cece territory. 546 00:19:36,188 --> 00:19:37,622 This isn't Nick territory. 547 00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:38,590 This is, uh... 548 00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:43,361 Look, Jess... 549 00:19:45,130 --> 00:19:47,465 I'm sorry, okay, 550 00:19:47,532 --> 00:19:48,999 that I kissed you. 551 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,568 But I shouldn't have done it, 552 00:19:50,635 --> 00:19:52,235 because it was obviously a mistake, 553 00:19:52,303 --> 00:19:54,404 and now you're crying and... 554 00:19:54,473 --> 00:19:56,874 I won't do it again. 555 00:19:58,342 --> 00:20:00,210 Well... (Sniffles) 556 00:20:00,278 --> 00:20:04,611 maybe it was a little bit broken to begin with. 557 00:20:04,882 --> 00:20:06,683 - What happened? - He just... 558 00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:09,819 He always wanted to fist bump in the morning. 559 00:20:09,887 --> 00:20:13,089 - And you didn't like that? - I hated it. What are... what... 560 00:20:13,156 --> 00:20:15,358 - I feel like you're forgiving me. - No. 561 00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:17,794 - I felt like before I said that you were though. - Nope. Nope. 562 00:20:17,862 --> 00:20:20,095 Now you remembered you're still mad at me. No? Okay. 563 00:20:20,162 --> 00:20:21,997 - All right, good night, Nick. Night. - Okay, good night, Jess. 564 00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:23,431 Hey, Jess. 565 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:25,667 Too soon? 566 00:20:25,735 --> 00:20:27,536 Yeah, too soon! 567 00:20:27,604 --> 00:20:30,005 Well, hey, good night. And I'm sorry about everything. 568 00:20:30,072 --> 00:20:31,172 Okay. 569 00:20:38,814 --> 00:20:40,147 Okay, yeah. (Chuckles) 570 00:20:40,215 --> 00:20:41,616 - That was... - Yeah. That was... 571 00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:42,804 - a little bit weird. - So weird. 572 00:20:42,818 --> 00:20:44,018 Let's not ever do that again. 573 00:20:44,085 --> 00:20:45,853 - Yeah. - Do it again. Okay. 574 00:20:45,921 --> 00:20:47,722 - Good night. Night, Miller! - Good night. 575 00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:49,456 Good night, Sergeant. 576 00:20:51,926 --> 00:20:54,528 I'm glad everything's back to normal around here. 577 00:20:58,665 --> 00:21:00,098 Thank you for what you said up there. 578 00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:01,967 - You know, I got a lot of phone numbers. - Good. 579 00:21:03,035 --> 00:21:04,169 I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates. 580 00:21:04,237 --> 00:21:06,071 - I think that's a great thing. Good. - Yeah. 581 00:21:08,139 --> 00:21:09,997 The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy. 582 00:21:09,998 --> 00:21:10,996 - No, yeah, that's fine. - Okay? 583 00:21:10,997 --> 00:21:13,412 But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying. 584 00:21:13,479 --> 00:21:14,959 Just take this off. Come on. Let's go. 585 00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:16,380 (Sighs) 586 00:21:16,448 --> 00:21:18,983 God, I have missed this. 587 00:21:19,051 --> 00:21:20,051 (Moaning) 588 00:21:21,319 --> 00:21:22,887 Turban on? Turban off? 589 00:21:22,955 --> 00:21:24,923 I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but... 590 00:21:25,190 --> 00:21:26,658 turban on. 591 00:21:26,725 --> 00:21:28,092 - Turban on it is. - Uh-uh 592 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,427 Taking that magic carpet ride. 593 00:21:33,495 --> 00:21:36,228 - Yeah? No? - Shut up! Whoo! 594 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:40,097 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com