1
00:00:00,564 --> 00:00:02,564
I can't believe they're playing
these old matches.
2
00:00:02,598 --> 00:00:04,199
- Man, these were legendary.
- Camel clutch!
3
00:00:05,233 --> 00:00:06,200
That's not
a camel clutch.
4
00:00:06,234 --> 00:00:07,401
That is
a camel clutch.
5
00:00:07,436 --> 00:00:08,803
Gentlemen, hi.
6
00:00:09,337 --> 00:00:10,571
I'd just like a moment
of your time.
7
00:00:10,605 --> 00:00:11,806
- Jess, you can't turn that off.
- If I may.
8
00:00:13,090 --> 00:00:14,642
I have a word that's
gonna change your life.
9
00:00:14,676 --> 00:00:15,643
The answer is already "no."
10
00:00:15,677 --> 00:00:17,378
- Bathtub.
- Bathtub's two words.
11
00:00:17,412 --> 00:00:19,380
- It's one word.
- Bathtub is two words.
12
00:00:19,414 --> 00:00:20,381
How come I'm James Brown?
13
00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:22,650
When you don't smile
for my pictures, you get replaced.
14
00:00:22,984 --> 00:00:23,617
You come home
15
00:00:23,652 --> 00:00:25,653
after a long,
hard day at work.
16
00:00:25,687 --> 00:00:27,755
- Tired.
- You want to relax, but how?
17
00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:29,090
How about soaking
18
00:00:29,124 --> 00:00:31,459
in a glorious
bubbly pool for one?
19
00:00:31,493 --> 00:00:34,428
Sipping the nectar
of the gods.
20
00:00:34,463 --> 00:00:35,830
I don't get it--
is this bath water?
21
00:00:35,864 --> 00:00:37,098
Might as well be;
It's rosé.
22
00:00:37,132 --> 00:00:38,466
Burn notice,
France.
23
00:00:40,469 --> 00:00:42,570
- Now that I'm working again,
- Don't do this.
24
00:00:42,604 --> 00:00:43,671
I'd really love to come home
25
00:00:43,705 --> 00:00:45,106
and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
26
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:48,142
Bathtubs are Medieval
filth cauldrons-- pass.
27
00:00:48,176 --> 00:00:49,977
Yeah, it's a waste
of money, Jess.
28
00:00:50,011 --> 00:00:53,180
I'm not interested in simmering
in testicle tea for 20 minutes.
29
00:00:53,215 --> 00:00:54,148
Loft vote.
30
00:00:54,182 --> 00:00:55,616
- No.
- No.
31
00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:57,918
Feel like I'm at a garden party,
haven't even left home.
32
00:00:57,953 --> 00:00:59,353
Winston, what are you talking
about-- loft vote, no.
33
00:00:59,387 --> 00:01:01,122
What, yeah, no,
duh, of course.
34
00:01:01,156 --> 00:01:03,591
- Okay, you know what-- loft vote...
Men: Nay.
35
00:01:03,625 --> 00:01:05,426
- Loft vote.
Men: Nay.
36
00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:07,328
Loft vote, I'm turning
wrestling back on.
37
00:01:07,362 --> 00:01:08,329
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
38
00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:10,231
- Camel clutch! Camel clutch!
- No.
39
00:01:10,265 --> 00:01:12,966
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ who's that girl? ♪
40
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,435
♪ it's Jess. ♪
41
00:01:14,905 --> 00:01:18,705
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,142
Hey, Schmidt.
43
00:01:21,176 --> 00:01:23,277
- Ooh, hey. - Want to pitch on
the new Double V campaign?
44
00:01:23,311 --> 00:01:24,779
I'm all about the Double V--
what is that?
45
00:01:24,813 --> 00:01:25,813
It's a new vodka, yeah.
46
00:01:25,847 --> 00:01:27,815
Filled with vitamins--
Double V?
47
00:01:28,149 --> 00:01:28,983
What do you think?
48
00:01:29,017 --> 00:01:30,084
You know, I've never
been considered
49
00:01:30,118 --> 00:01:31,318
to run an account before.
50
00:01:31,753 --> 00:01:34,989
Wait a min...
Wait, is this just
51
00:01:35,023 --> 00:01:37,625
is this because we used
to... bingity-bangity?
52
00:01:37,659 --> 00:01:38,759
No, of course not.
53
00:01:40,294 --> 00:01:41,495
Take a look
at the specs
54
00:01:41,729 --> 00:01:44,131
and come into my office tomorrow
in your best suit,
55
00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:46,267
and, uh, blow me away
with your take.
56
00:01:46,301 --> 00:01:48,402
My best suit--
I can put on my best suit.
57
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,406
Okay.
58
00:01:53,909 --> 00:01:55,944
Wasted project, Nick, huh?
59
00:01:57,778 --> 00:01:58,879
Herringbone?!
60
00:02:00,015 --> 00:02:01,649
How did you get in here?
61
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,257
Jess:
To schmidt.
62
00:02:10,491 --> 00:02:11,692
Sleeping his way
to the top.
63
00:02:11,726 --> 00:02:13,494
Cheers to me.
64
00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:16,030
Nick: I hope
you like it.
65
00:02:16,364 --> 00:02:17,898
I poured that one for you.
66
00:02:18,933 --> 00:02:20,201
Drink it up.
67
00:02:20,535 --> 00:02:22,002
This is coming off weird--
it's creepy, right?
68
00:02:22,237 --> 00:02:23,637
- Go get her.
- I can't do that.
69
00:02:23,638 --> 00:02:25,172
- I can't talk to thirsty.
- Thirsty?
70
00:02:25,207 --> 00:02:27,208
I don't know her name,
so I call her Thirsty.
71
00:02:27,742 --> 00:02:29,610
- Thirsty Mendelson.
- Oh, you made her Jewish?
72
00:02:29,644 --> 00:02:31,312
- I didn't make her Jewish.
- Mendelson? She's not Jewish?
73
00:02:31,346 --> 00:02:33,647
- Well, Thirsty. - If her last
name's Mendelson, she's Jewish.
74
00:02:33,682 --> 00:02:35,482
Tell you what her first name is, too--
It's Rachel.
75
00:02:35,517 --> 00:02:37,684
Get out of my head--
you're kind of ruining my thing right now.
76
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,386
What I have with
thirsty is perfect.
77
00:02:39,421 --> 00:02:41,388
She's surly like I'm surly,
78
00:02:41,423 --> 00:02:43,023
and she rolls her eyes
at everybody
79
00:02:43,058 --> 00:02:44,525
like I roll my eyes
at everybody.
80
00:02:44,559 --> 00:02:47,027
She likes to drink
in the afternoon.
81
00:02:47,062 --> 00:02:48,295
And I like to drink
in the afternoon.
82
00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:50,164
- Go talk to her.
- No, I can't.
83
00:02:50,198 --> 00:02:51,498
That breaks the first rule
84
00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:53,701
of bartending--
never cross the bar.
85
00:02:53,735 --> 00:02:56,537
'Cause once you cross
the bar, it gets messy.
86
00:02:56,571 --> 00:02:58,839
(Shouts)
Rudy just wants her $200 back.
87
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,375
Come on, neither of you has
the right bra for this.
88
00:03:01,409 --> 00:03:02,977
Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?
89
00:03:03,311 --> 00:03:05,212
Have you seen the ferret lady?
90
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:07,081
Why am I doing this?!
91
00:03:07,115 --> 00:03:09,583
(Shrieking)
92
00:03:09,618 --> 00:03:11,685
Never cross the bar.
93
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,554
Your rules have
gotten you so far.
94
00:03:13,588 --> 00:03:15,222
- Classic Nick Miller.
- You got it.
95
00:03:15,257 --> 00:03:16,824
Jess.
96
00:03:16,858 --> 00:03:18,692
You want to help me at the
jukebox really quick?
97
00:03:18,727 --> 00:03:20,895
Oh, my God, yes-- I've always
wanted to do this with you.
98
00:03:20,929 --> 00:03:22,930
Well, I was gonna go
"Raspberry Beret," but...
99
00:03:22,964 --> 00:03:24,298
If we're gonna go Prince,
I think we should go, like--
100
00:03:24,332 --> 00:03:27,167
Jess, I want to talk to you
about your bathtub pitch.
101
00:03:27,202 --> 00:03:28,469
I love baths-- I do.
102
00:03:28,503 --> 00:03:31,104
Back in Latvia,
we had a great tub.
103
00:03:36,577 --> 00:03:38,228
But I tell you what--
there are parts of my butt
104
00:03:38,295 --> 00:03:39,663
only a tub can clean.
105
00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:40,998
Ew, but okay!
106
00:03:41,065 --> 00:03:42,132
Okay, here's
what we're gonna do,
107
00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:43,400
so the guys don't know.
108
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:44,634
We're gonna split
the 400 bucks for the tub.
109
00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:46,235
Then we can hide it on the roof
110
00:03:46,302 --> 00:03:48,303
and install it in the middle
of the night, and then
111
00:03:48,371 --> 00:03:50,272
we can just pretend like you
did it without our permission.
112
00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:51,807
Or we could just...
113
00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:53,275
say that you wanted a tub, too.
114
00:03:53,343 --> 00:03:56,211
How about we just keep this
a Jess and Winston thing?
115
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,446
(Exhaling)
116
00:03:57,514 --> 00:03:58,781
- Hey, Cece, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
117
00:03:58,849 --> 00:04:00,549
I'm good;
Just broke up with Robby.
118
00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:03,985
I'll make you a drink.
119
00:04:04,053 --> 00:04:05,554
- What ha... what happened?
- Um,
120
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:08,189
I told him I had to start
getting serious
121
00:04:08,257 --> 00:04:11,960
about having kids and he said,
"Okay, that's cool."
122
00:04:12,028 --> 00:04:15,563
But then that's all he said
for the next eight hours,
123
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,599
and he hasn't said
anything to me since.
124
00:04:18,667 --> 00:04:19,800
So terrible.
125
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:20,935
I just, I can't even...
126
00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:22,937
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
127
00:04:23,004 --> 00:04:24,137
I mean that's...
but I mean...
128
00:04:24,205 --> 00:04:27,140
There's... cool.
It's cool.
129
00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:30,177
- 'Cause you're single. You're single.
- Really subtle stuff.
130
00:04:30,244 --> 00:04:32,244
- She's single now; technically, you're single...
are you not single? - Schmidt!
131
00:04:32,312 --> 00:04:33,580
I have to get serious
about my future,
132
00:04:33,647 --> 00:04:35,448
otherwise my mom is going
to set me up
133
00:04:35,515 --> 00:04:38,317
with a hundred sweet, gentle,
painfully boring Indian guys.
134
00:04:38,385 --> 00:04:39,919
Oh, my God, your mother.
135
00:04:39,987 --> 00:04:41,854
(Imitating the mother):
I want to control your life.
136
00:04:41,922 --> 00:04:43,289
That's how my
parents met and they had
137
00:04:43,356 --> 00:04:45,058
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
138
00:04:45,125 --> 00:04:47,026
I respect your parents--
I do.
139
00:04:47,094 --> 00:04:49,194
I respect everything that--
look what they've created.
140
00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:51,563
Look at that... look at
your beauty, with your hair.
141
00:04:51,631 --> 00:04:53,465
I'd eat it out of a bowl,
your hair.
142
00:04:53,532 --> 00:04:55,734
I'd put it in a bowl
and I'd eat your hair.
143
00:04:55,802 --> 00:04:57,035
CECE:
Oh, my God.
144
00:04:58,571 --> 00:05:00,138
(Laughs)
145
00:05:00,206 --> 00:05:01,974
Hey, Cece.
146
00:05:02,441 --> 00:05:04,575
I-I know it's unexpected
that I'm here.
147
00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,844
It's because I wanted
to tell you something.
148
00:05:07,912 --> 00:05:09,814
You're my boo.
149
00:05:09,881 --> 00:05:11,716
You're my boo
and I'm... and I'm...
150
00:05:11,783 --> 00:05:13,618
I been missing you.
151
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,655
I been missing you
oh, so long.
152
00:05:17,723 --> 00:05:19,556
You know what's weird?
I don't find this weird anymore.
153
00:05:19,625 --> 00:05:21,458
What's your problem, Nick-- how
long you been standing there?
154
00:05:21,526 --> 00:05:22,859
How much of that did you hear?
155
00:05:23,927 --> 00:05:25,862
I'm in love, man.
156
00:05:26,530 --> 00:05:27,564
I'm in love with Cece.
157
00:05:27,632 --> 00:05:28,965
Everyone knows that,
you dumb-ass.
158
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,268
- You always have been.
- I gotta tell her, man.
159
00:05:31,336 --> 00:05:32,669
You should do that, Schmidty,
that sounds great.
160
00:05:32,997 --> 00:05:34,938
- Do I have your blessing?
- Do you have my blessing?
161
00:05:35,006 --> 00:05:37,206
Yeah. I don't think you
need my blessing, big guy.
162
00:05:37,274 --> 00:05:39,408
- Just kind of do your thing. - I would
like your blessing. You're my best friend.
163
00:05:39,476 --> 00:05:41,877
- I want your blessing. - Schmidt, fine,
you got my blessing, okay? Just...
164
00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:42,745
What is this?
165
00:05:42,746 --> 00:05:45,481
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
I need this.
166
00:05:48,585 --> 00:05:50,586
Come on, please, give me,
give me a hug, Nick.
167
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,787
Please, just give me a hug!
I want-- Ow!
168
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,458
Good stuff.
169
00:05:57,526 --> 00:05:59,060
- Thank you, Nick.
- Come on!
170
00:05:59,128 --> 00:06:01,429
All right, looks good--
no leaks.
171
00:06:01,997 --> 00:06:02,897
We did it.
172
00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:04,999
Yeah, we did.
173
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:07,502
(Groaning) Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
174
00:06:07,970 --> 00:06:08,902
It's flooding!
175
00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:10,538
- Do something!
JESS: No, no, no, no, no!
176
00:06:10,605 --> 00:06:14,475
JESS: I've never wished
I was dead more.
177
00:06:14,543 --> 00:06:16,810
Schmidt's gonna freak out.
178
00:06:18,996 --> 00:06:20,214
He once told me he spent $300
179
00:06:20,282 --> 00:06:21,282
on a pocket square.
180
00:06:22,417 --> 00:06:24,584
(Yelling):
No!
181
00:06:26,993 --> 00:06:28,254
Am I overreacting?
182
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:29,355
Eh, that's about right.
183
00:06:31,118 --> 00:06:33,585
There you go...
good as new.
184
00:06:33,653 --> 00:06:35,353
(Groans)
185
00:06:35,421 --> 00:06:38,189
So, I've, uh, handled
this one-man job,
186
00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:40,475
any two-man jobs
you want us to tackle?
187
00:06:40,542 --> 00:06:41,843
I think we're good.
Thanks, Remy.
188
00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:44,278
You sure there's not something
else that needs fixing?
189
00:06:44,346 --> 00:06:46,647
Maybe in the...
lady's bedroom?
190
00:06:49,985 --> 00:06:52,452
Uh, yeah, I think we're done--
thank you, Remy.
191
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,788
I will return your ladder
when I feel like it.
192
00:06:54,856 --> 00:06:56,523
Thank you, bye.
(Slams door)
193
00:06:56,591 --> 00:06:57,691
He's so weird.
194
00:06:57,759 --> 00:06:59,826
Um, okay, so, phase two.
195
00:06:59,894 --> 00:07:02,596
Didn't Schmidt make us
get renter's insurance
196
00:07:02,663 --> 00:07:04,998
when he almost tore down
that rafter with the sex swing?
197
00:07:05,065 --> 00:07:07,401
Jess, we fake a robbery.
198
00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:09,001
We fake a robbery
for the insurance.
199
00:07:09,068 --> 00:07:10,168
That's a great idea.
200
00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:11,303
We're a couple of meth-heads.
201
00:07:11,371 --> 00:07:12,605
- Oh, yeah.
- Boom.
202
00:07:12,672 --> 00:07:14,907
(Deeper voice):
Got any meth?
203
00:07:15,474 --> 00:07:16,809
Got any rings
on your fingers?
204
00:07:16,877 --> 00:07:19,211
I need them for meth.
205
00:07:19,279 --> 00:07:22,114
Get it all, get it all, get
it all, get it all, get it all.
206
00:07:22,181 --> 00:07:24,016
Whoa! Do we have to steal
my moustache trimmer?
207
00:07:24,083 --> 00:07:27,118
This is worth three bowls
of sweet, sweet meth.
208
00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:29,253
(Raspy breath)
(Laughs)
209
00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:30,354
- This? This?
- No.
210
00:07:30,423 --> 00:07:31,823
No.
This?
211
00:07:31,891 --> 00:07:33,625
I just don't think
the meth-heads
212
00:07:33,692 --> 00:07:34,626
would want
anything in this room.
213
00:07:37,262 --> 00:07:38,162
What about this?
214
00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:39,664
A land line?
215
00:07:39,732 --> 00:07:42,332
To me, it looks
like a meth sandwich.
216
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,367
Don't hog all the meth, daddy.
217
00:07:45,736 --> 00:07:47,003
Did you hit this already?
218
00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:48,371
- No, did you?
- No.
219
00:07:50,408 --> 00:07:52,208
WOMAN:
What are you doing?
220
00:07:52,576 --> 00:07:53,310
You're smothering
me, all right?
221
00:07:53,377 --> 00:07:54,611
MAN:
I'm done with this!
222
00:07:54,679 --> 00:07:56,246
WOMAN:
At least leave your wallet!
223
00:07:56,314 --> 00:07:57,780
I'm out of here!
(Groans)
224
00:08:18,634 --> 00:08:20,135
Would you like a whiskey?
225
00:08:21,403 --> 00:08:22,204
What?
226
00:08:22,272 --> 00:08:24,673
I said that because I know you
like whiskey.
227
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,276
You're a whiskey girl, like me.
228
00:08:28,344 --> 00:08:29,944
You're a whiskey girl?
229
00:08:31,012 --> 00:08:31,979
I'm Nick.
230
00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:33,314
I'm Angie.
231
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,716
(Laughs): Angie...
Angie, Angie.
232
00:08:35,784 --> 00:08:37,251
Well, what are you
standing there for?
233
00:08:37,319 --> 00:08:39,187
Go grab a bottle
and get me drunk, idiot.
234
00:08:39,254 --> 00:08:41,555
Well, I-I couldn't drink
with you-- I work here.
235
00:08:41,623 --> 00:08:43,324
Just kidding, I get drunk,
like, all the time.
236
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,792
I've got a drinking thing.
237
00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:46,793
You got it.
238
00:08:49,163 --> 00:08:52,532
I also have all the access to
pistachios if you want, like, a full...
239
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,666
I'll make my own mind
up on that.
240
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,138
SCHMIDT: He took my
doctor's appointment suit!
241
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,707
He took El Capitan!
(Door slams)
242
00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:01,874
Damn it!
243
00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,709
The only thing he left was
my summer suit
244
00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:04,943
with the lightning bolt
on the back.
245
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,413
I keep that in my
summer bin along with
246
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,315
my summer condoms--
citrus-flavored,
247
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,150
for a more refreshing
summer experience.
248
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,784
- That's a jar...
- Jar for sure, yeah.
249
00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:16,688
Look at this--
took my suits.
250
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:18,355
Left the...
left the douche bag jar.
251
00:09:18,423 --> 00:09:19,790
Typical meth-head.
252
00:09:19,858 --> 00:09:21,459
- Typical meth-head.
- Yeah, it's a shame.
253
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:22,927
Good thing that I have
a security camera in there.
254
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,396
I'm gonna download
the footage
255
00:09:24,463 --> 00:09:25,897
and I.D. this S.O.B.
256
00:09:25,964 --> 00:09:27,098
He's going down.
257
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,237
NICK: I respect the amount you drink--
258
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,237
- Oh,
- FYI these drinks
259
00:09:32,304 --> 00:09:33,537
- aren't free.
- Wow, well, joke's
260
00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:34,971
on you 'cause Mike left
261
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:35,939
with all my money.
262
00:09:36,007 --> 00:09:37,207
Oh, really!
263
00:09:37,275 --> 00:09:38,608
Then how you gonna
pay for the drinks?
264
00:09:38,676 --> 00:09:41,412
Oh... probably with sex?
265
00:09:41,479 --> 00:09:42,446
(Spits)
266
00:09:42,514 --> 00:09:44,148
(Laughs)
267
00:09:44,215 --> 00:09:45,749
Sorry...
268
00:09:46,816 --> 00:09:47,851
That is not pretty.
269
00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:49,185
Well...
270
00:09:49,253 --> 00:09:50,653
I was gonna let you
have sex with Mike.
271
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,788
- Oh...
- What? It's good.
272
00:09:52,856 --> 00:09:54,223
That was an old switcheroo.
273
00:09:55,791 --> 00:09:57,760
I just want to say
you two, uh...
274
00:09:58,727 --> 00:09:59,362
What?
275
00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:00,963
- No, no, I don't want to say.
- Come on, what?
276
00:10:01,031 --> 00:10:02,565
I don't want to say.
I don't feel like it's--
277
00:10:02,632 --> 00:10:04,700
- The point is it's not my...
- What are you afraid of?
278
00:10:04,768 --> 00:10:06,834
- You're thinking it. - I'm not afraid, but...
He's kind of an ass-- damn it!
279
00:10:07,402 --> 00:10:10,105
You think I should
break up with Mike?
280
00:10:10,173 --> 00:10:12,441
No, no, that is not
my place to...
281
00:10:12,508 --> 00:10:14,609
- Well, you did; it is your place.
- But I've been drinking with you,
282
00:10:14,677 --> 00:10:17,579
and I feel like you're
luring me in... Dump his ass!
283
00:10:20,149 --> 00:10:21,683
Damn it.
284
00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:24,885
I can't believe
you'd say that to me.
285
00:10:24,953 --> 00:10:25,986
You should mind
your own business.
286
00:10:28,056 --> 00:10:29,656
So many years of footage.
287
00:10:29,724 --> 00:10:31,125
This is
from last May.
288
00:10:31,193 --> 00:10:33,094
I was trying to add
an extra ab muscle.
289
00:10:33,161 --> 00:10:34,428
Jess, I can't take this...
290
00:10:34,496 --> 00:10:35,996
This is when I was experimenting
with faux hawks.
291
00:10:36,064 --> 00:10:38,531
- I can't, I can't, I can't
take it, Jess. - You can.
292
00:10:38,599 --> 00:10:40,200
- You're gonna blow this.
- My face is numb.
293
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,302
This is when I was lowering
my bar sexually.
294
00:10:42,369 --> 00:10:44,504
- Why is my face numb?
- Okay, I'm gonna say this once.
295
00:10:44,572 --> 00:10:46,239
- Tighten up.
- Okay, yeah.
296
00:10:46,307 --> 00:10:47,340
I can't believe
this is happening.
297
00:10:47,408 --> 00:10:48,441
It's such an important day.
298
00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:49,709
What's happening today?
299
00:10:50,276 --> 00:10:51,511
I just have to look good.
300
00:10:51,579 --> 00:10:54,079
Okay? Not like
some Ukrainian dentist.
301
00:10:58,317 --> 00:10:59,518
Oh, my God.
302
00:10:59,586 --> 00:11:01,386
(Breathing deeply)
303
00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:02,921
- Jess, I'm dying.
- What's wrong with you.
304
00:11:02,989 --> 00:11:03,822
I'm dying, Jess.
305
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:08,026
Jess, pretend you're
not seeing this...
306
00:11:08,094 --> 00:11:10,761
Schmidt, this isn't
a good time.
307
00:11:11,829 --> 00:11:12,863
Cece, please.
308
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,965
Just... just open the box.
309
00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:19,737
(Cooing)
310
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,205
You brought a pigeon
into my house?
311
00:11:21,273 --> 00:11:23,407
I couldn't find a dove.
Come on, Beatty.
312
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:24,675
(Kicks table,
imitates pigeon cooing)
313
00:11:26,177 --> 00:11:28,545
It's... it was supposed to fly
out when you opened up the lid.
314
00:11:28,613 --> 00:11:31,014
- What are you doing?
- I love you, Cece.
315
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:36,153
And I have been in love
with you for so long.
316
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,122
I used to think
317
00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:42,191
it was just
a heavy like, but...
318
00:11:42,859 --> 00:11:44,326
it's love.
319
00:11:47,464 --> 00:11:49,798
- There it goes.
- Is this real?
320
00:11:50,166 --> 00:11:50,866
For you?
321
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:52,601
Yes.
322
00:11:54,169 --> 00:11:56,539
Cece, I'm ready for
a serious commitment.
323
00:11:56,606 --> 00:11:58,506
I'm up for a huge
promotion at work.
324
00:11:59,074 --> 00:12:01,008
I'm ready to have kids with you,
if that's what you want.
325
00:12:02,076 --> 00:12:02,943
You want to have kids?
326
00:12:03,011 --> 00:12:04,445
Let's go right now,
let's go make a kid.
327
00:12:05,013 --> 00:12:05,746
Take your top off.
328
00:12:06,814 --> 00:12:08,049
Schmidt, my mother...
329
00:12:08,116 --> 00:12:09,850
she's gonna hate you.
330
00:12:09,918 --> 00:12:12,320
Okay? You're Jewish.
331
00:12:12,388 --> 00:12:14,555
She hates Jews; I mean,
she really hates them.
332
00:12:14,622 --> 00:12:16,156
Everybody hates the Jews.
333
00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:17,324
Your mom's in the majority.
334
00:12:19,126 --> 00:12:21,328
I'll convert to Indianism.
335
00:12:21,396 --> 00:12:24,264
Hindi... Hindi-is...eh?
336
00:12:24,332 --> 00:12:26,433
Indiani-Indi...
Indi-Buddhi-ism?
337
00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:27,934
(Stammering)
338
00:12:28,002 --> 00:12:31,304
Schmidt, we have so much
going against us.
339
00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:33,105
Let's have dinner.
Tonight.
340
00:12:37,976 --> 00:12:38,544
Okay.
341
00:12:38,612 --> 00:12:39,845
Cool. No, yeah, cool.
342
00:12:40,913 --> 00:12:42,181
Just give me a second.
343
00:12:45,585 --> 00:12:49,621
Ah... yes!
344
00:12:50,989 --> 00:12:52,356
(Whispering):
I'm sorry.
345
00:12:53,009 --> 00:12:55,005
Wiston, are you out of your head?
346
00:12:55,006 --> 00:12:55,775
Security camera.
347
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,709
What are you doing?
Schmidt has a security camera.
348
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,378
Why did I think he didn't
have a security camera?
349
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,247
Oh. You're a briefs man.
350
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:02,948
I was hoping
I'd never find out.
351
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,783
Oh, my goodness, we should not
have gone for that tub.
352
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,319
I just like
bubbles so much...
353
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,988
Winston, I think you're
having a panic attack.
354
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,256
Hmm?
355
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:13,557
Shut up, hey, Jess, no.
356
00:13:13,625 --> 00:13:16,660
I'm, uh... this is
just the willies.
357
00:13:17,428 --> 00:13:19,063
The w... the what?
The... the willies?
358
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,564
The willies, yeah.
It's the same thing
359
00:13:20,632 --> 00:13:21,799
that happened when I
took my driver's test.
360
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:24,068
Go ahead and
start the car.
361
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,338
(Screaming)
362
00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:28,872
No! No!
363
00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:31,909
(Screaming)
364
00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:33,743
A lot of people
get panic attacks.
365
00:13:33,811 --> 00:13:35,445
- The willies.
- My dad used to get them all the time.
366
00:13:35,513 --> 00:13:37,480
Like, every time
he had to make a left turn.
367
00:13:37,548 --> 00:13:38,615
It would take him
two and a half hours
368
00:13:38,682 --> 00:13:40,384
to drive me to school.
369
00:13:40,451 --> 00:13:42,218
We'd just drive all around
Portland, making right turns.
370
00:13:42,286 --> 00:13:43,387
(Chuckles)
371
00:13:43,954 --> 00:13:45,388
- Okay.
- It's okay.
372
00:13:45,455 --> 00:13:47,856
- Okay.
- It's really okay.
373
00:13:48,425 --> 00:13:49,658
Are you going to tell
anybody about my underwear?
374
00:13:49,726 --> 00:13:52,028
Look, I really want to.
375
00:13:53,095 --> 00:13:54,696
But I won't.
376
00:13:54,994 --> 00:13:56,365
- Where is he?
- It's over, Mike.
377
00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:58,167
- Where's Nick?
- Just stop... just stop it.
378
00:13:58,235 --> 00:14:01,002
Hey. You Nick?
379
00:14:01,570 --> 00:14:02,570
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not Nick.
380
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:04,372
Nick has pinkeye!
I'm Ricardo!
381
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,341
- Let Nick go!
- Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh?
382
00:14:06,409 --> 00:14:08,776
(Speaking fake Spanish)
You're a dead man!
383
00:14:10,344 --> 00:14:11,479
I had it handled!
384
00:14:11,547 --> 00:14:13,348
He was gonna kill you.
I've seen him do it.
385
00:14:13,916 --> 00:14:15,750
- I know someone at work who can
stitch him up. - Okay, let's get him
386
00:14:15,751 --> 00:14:17,651
- stitched up right now.
This is disgusting. - Okay.
387
00:14:17,718 --> 00:14:18,952
SCHMIDT:
I'm out there every night,
388
00:14:19,019 --> 00:14:20,286
balling to the max,
389
00:14:20,354 --> 00:14:21,621
and you expect me
to do what,
390
00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:23,022
just stop and chew up
391
00:14:23,090 --> 00:14:24,558
some cherry-flavored multi-V?
392
00:14:24,625 --> 00:14:26,259
No, thanks.
393
00:14:26,327 --> 00:14:28,795
I'll take my vitamins
on the rocks. Double V.
394
00:14:28,863 --> 00:14:32,098
Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
395
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:34,600
You gotta get specific
about this vodka.
396
00:14:34,668 --> 00:14:36,001
- Have you tried Double V?
- No.
397
00:14:36,069 --> 00:14:37,336
Let's open up this bitch.
398
00:14:37,403 --> 00:14:39,171
Let's open up... okay.
399
00:14:39,238 --> 00:14:41,340
- Um... I kind of...
- We're going to do every vitamin,
400
00:14:41,407 --> 00:14:43,776
in alphabetical order.
Each shot that you do,
401
00:14:43,844 --> 00:14:45,778
makes me know you're
going that extra mile.
402
00:14:46,346 --> 00:14:48,246
- Emma, I really... - Is there something
more important than work?
403
00:14:49,314 --> 00:14:50,781
- What?
- Okay.
404
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:51,916
- But you said--
- No, I... no, no, no.
405
00:14:51,984 --> 00:14:53,284
Let's-let's just...
all right, we'll do it.
406
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:54,919
JESS:
Don't feel weird, Winston.
407
00:14:54,987 --> 00:14:56,354
Everybody has their
weird thing.
408
00:14:56,921 --> 00:14:57,889
Even me.
409
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,925
Look, I'm gonna tell you
something about myself.
410
00:15:01,593 --> 00:15:04,895
I am really claustrophobic.
411
00:15:04,963 --> 00:15:07,130
- Jess, I don't believe you.
- No, seriously, watch.
412
00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:14,371
- You seem fine to me.
- I seem fine,
413
00:15:14,438 --> 00:15:17,107
but if I close the door,
414
00:15:17,174 --> 00:15:20,210
it's gonna feel
like I'm dying...
415
00:15:20,277 --> 00:15:22,845
even more than
416
00:15:22,913 --> 00:15:24,446
a real death.
417
00:15:24,515 --> 00:15:27,850
It just feels like death...
plus more death.
418
00:15:27,918 --> 00:15:29,351
Okay, this is silly.
Just come on.
419
00:15:29,419 --> 00:15:31,086
But I'm gonna be okay, because
I know you're out there.
420
00:15:31,154 --> 00:15:32,755
- Mm-hmm.
- And you can help me...
421
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,789
(Gasping):
Oh, my God...
422
00:15:34,857 --> 00:15:35,958
Okay...
423
00:15:36,026 --> 00:15:37,826
(Gasping)
424
00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:39,528
- Oh, my God. Let me out!
- Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess.
425
00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:40,962
- Can you open up the door?
- Jess?
426
00:15:41,030 --> 00:15:42,931
It's closed!
427
00:15:42,999 --> 00:15:44,165
(Moaning)
Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck.
428
00:15:44,233 --> 00:15:46,001
- It's so hot in here!
- Jess, the door is stuck!
429
00:15:46,068 --> 00:15:48,369
- Oh, my God! - Jess, come on,
now, this is not funny.
430
00:15:48,437 --> 00:15:51,339
- Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!
- Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot?
431
00:15:51,707 --> 00:15:53,841
NICK: So you're not a nurse?
ANGIE: Who said I was a nurse?
432
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,910
Stitches-- you said somebody
at work can do stitches.
433
00:15:55,977 --> 00:15:57,344
Who does stitches
at a strip club?
434
00:15:57,412 --> 00:15:58,612
STEVE:
Someone need stitches?
435
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,080
Let me get my needle
and my bifocals.
436
00:16:00,848 --> 00:16:01,916
Be right back.
437
00:16:01,983 --> 00:16:04,552
Okay, let's get you down
right next to that dirty pole.
438
00:16:04,619 --> 00:16:05,819
There? That? Okay, good.
439
00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:08,689
Th... really nice place.
440
00:16:08,757 --> 00:16:10,623
Uh, this is where you work.
441
00:16:11,691 --> 00:16:12,526
You the ticket-taker?
442
00:16:12,593 --> 00:16:13,860
- No, I'm a stripper.
- Yeah.
443
00:16:13,928 --> 00:16:15,762
But what is it
that you do here?
444
00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:17,964
- Stripper. - Because college is
so expensive these days...
445
00:16:18,032 --> 00:16:20,900
- I'm a stripper.
- But only topless.
446
00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:22,501
- Completely naked.
TIFFANY: Mike, where's my taco?
447
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:23,870
What happened? What happened?
448
00:16:23,938 --> 00:16:25,871
Uh, he remembered that
he was married to you,
449
00:16:25,939 --> 00:16:28,541
so he tried to beat the memory
out of his brain with a brick.
450
00:16:28,608 --> 00:16:30,008
- Oh, he's married...
- You stupid bitch!
451
00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:31,377
Oh, not okay!
452
00:16:31,445 --> 00:16:32,479
(Women shouting)
453
00:16:32,545 --> 00:16:33,579
Ladies!
Stop fighting!
454
00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:36,682
Hey, hey!
Stop this now!
455
00:16:36,749 --> 00:16:39,418
Don't stop this!
I'm super aroused!
456
00:16:39,486 --> 00:16:41,186
I think I just
became a dirt bag.
457
00:16:41,253 --> 00:16:43,321
Why did I cross the bar?
458
00:16:46,525 --> 00:16:48,326
I did it.
459
00:16:48,394 --> 00:16:50,728
- I'm here for dinner. I made it.
- It's really late.
460
00:16:50,796 --> 00:16:52,564
We got the account.
I was with my boss, we got the account.
461
00:16:52,931 --> 00:16:55,533
- We did it.
- You were with your boss?
462
00:16:56,101 --> 00:16:57,234
What?
463
00:16:57,302 --> 00:16:59,136
- No. - The woman who made
you sign a contract
464
00:16:59,204 --> 00:17:00,904
- so she could have sex
with you, your boss? - No.
465
00:17:00,972 --> 00:17:03,140
No. Uh...
466
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:04,341
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
467
00:17:04,409 --> 00:17:05,742
No... but nothing happened.
468
00:17:05,810 --> 00:17:07,111
She just wanted me
to taste the V.
469
00:17:08,379 --> 00:17:09,613
That came out wrong.
470
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,181
- Yeah.
- I thought about...
471
00:17:11,249 --> 00:17:12,983
I thought about
the boss's boobs once.
472
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,085
They're still real nice,
473
00:17:16,153 --> 00:17:19,088
but I didn't have no connection
to them emotionally, whatsoever.
474
00:17:19,856 --> 00:17:20,823
Nothing.
475
00:17:21,591 --> 00:17:25,328
Cece, I can pay
for our baby's college now.
476
00:17:25,395 --> 00:17:26,829
Literally anywhere
they want to go.
477
00:17:27,196 --> 00:17:30,298
UCLA, UMass...
any of the U schools.
478
00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:33,235
- I love you so much.
- You should probably...
479
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,469
Oh, not...
480
00:17:39,575 --> 00:17:41,543
It's okay.
481
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:48,749
Cece, I'm gonna
pee in my summer suit.
482
00:17:48,816 --> 00:17:51,018
Hey, Mom, it's me.
483
00:17:51,685 --> 00:17:53,387
I think I'm ready to
have you set me up.
484
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:55,389
This is not a prank.
Call me back.
485
00:17:58,155 --> 00:17:59,423
jESS: Oh, thank God.
WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.
486
00:17:59,424 --> 00:18:01,958
WINSTON: Thank you, man.
REMY: I see.
487
00:18:02,025 --> 00:18:04,093
If you guys have been
playing hard to get,
488
00:18:04,161 --> 00:18:05,428
you don't have to.
489
00:18:05,496 --> 00:18:06,629
I am totally ready
490
00:18:06,697 --> 00:18:09,397
to get mixed up in this
choco-vanilla shake.
491
00:18:11,599 --> 00:18:12,534
No.
492
00:18:12,602 --> 00:18:14,235
REMY: Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about here.
493
00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:15,504
- I'm just talking about...
- Yes... I know, I know.
494
00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:17,205
We got it, we got it, Remy.
495
00:18:17,273 --> 00:18:19,140
- ...doing it with-with both of you.
- We got it. Yeah.
496
00:18:19,208 --> 00:18:20,075
REMY:
Three...
497
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:23,378
This never happened.
498
00:18:26,115 --> 00:18:27,515
Jess, I just want
to say thank you.
499
00:18:27,583 --> 00:18:28,984
You know, I thought
I was the only crazy one,
500
00:18:29,051 --> 00:18:30,685
but it turns out
you're nuts as well.
501
00:18:30,752 --> 00:18:32,920
Oh, I'm straight-up
bananas, Winston.
502
00:18:33,389 --> 00:18:35,156
Next time that happens to you,
503
00:18:35,224 --> 00:18:37,959
just come to me, and I'll
help you keep your pants on.
504
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:41,128
So what are we gonna do
about Schmidt's suits?
505
00:18:41,196 --> 00:18:43,197
I feel like there's
a very obvious solution.
506
00:18:44,466 --> 00:18:46,333
(Jess and Winston grunting)
507
00:18:46,401 --> 00:18:48,535
SCHMIDT:
Oh, come on! Again?
508
00:18:50,438 --> 00:18:51,805
(Both panting, coughing)
509
00:18:51,873 --> 00:18:54,608
Thank God.
The meth-heads came back.
510
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,709
They brought your suits back
'cause they don't fit them.
511
00:18:56,776 --> 00:18:58,544
They did the right thing,
'cause they're
512
00:18:58,612 --> 00:19:00,546
- drug addicts, they're not monsters.
- Right.
513
00:19:00,614 --> 00:19:02,281
They actually got them
dry-cleaned, um...
514
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:03,816
deluxe package, very pricey.
515
00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:05,218
Why'd he tie you up?
516
00:19:05,285 --> 00:19:06,919
They kept saying, like,
517
00:19:06,987 --> 00:19:08,921
"Ah, I'm so hungry for
more meth," you know?
518
00:19:08,989 --> 00:19:11,491
"Let's get rid of these suits.
519
00:19:11,558 --> 00:19:14,026
These clean... suits."
520
00:19:14,093 --> 00:19:15,560
Jess and I want a tub.
521
00:19:15,628 --> 00:19:17,462
We want candles
and bubbles.
522
00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:19,531
Oh, damn it, Schmidt,
we want bubbles, man.
523
00:19:19,598 --> 00:19:22,501
I want to cover everything
up on my body with bubbles.
524
00:19:22,568 --> 00:19:23,968
You know, and then just
blow 'em off like this...
525
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,670
and laugh, like...
526
00:19:25,738 --> 00:19:28,339
Get a tub, man.
Let's get a tub; I don't care.
527
00:19:28,707 --> 00:19:29,840
- Hey.
- You okay?
528
00:19:29,908 --> 00:19:31,108
What's wrong?
529
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:33,978
I told Cece that I loved her.
530
00:19:35,047 --> 00:19:37,749
Then I got drunk,
and she called her mom, and...
531
00:19:38,816 --> 00:19:40,617
(Sighs)
532
00:19:40,685 --> 00:19:42,920
She's going brown.
533
00:19:44,056 --> 00:19:46,424
She wants to marry a brown man.
534
00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:52,362
- Schmidt...
- Schmidt!
535
00:19:52,430 --> 00:19:54,531
- Hey, man.
- Hey...
536
00:19:54,598 --> 00:19:56,599
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hold it right there.
537
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:58,134
Let it go, man.
(Sniffs)
538
00:19:58,202 --> 00:20:00,336
- Let it go.
- Okay.
539
00:20:03,574 --> 00:20:05,775
How'd you guys
get out of your ties?
540
00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:07,609
♪ ♪
541
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,780
Hey...
542
00:20:13,347 --> 00:20:14,015
Hey.
543
00:20:14,084 --> 00:20:15,217
What can I get you
to drink, Angie?
544
00:20:15,285 --> 00:20:16,818
Oh, no, I don't...
545
00:20:16,886 --> 00:20:20,422
I just want to...
hang out.
546
00:20:21,190 --> 00:20:22,423
I've got this rule.
547
00:20:22,491 --> 00:20:23,958
Never cross the bar.
548
00:20:24,025 --> 00:20:26,127
And I broke that rule, and...
549
00:20:26,895 --> 00:20:29,230
Look, these 18 inches of oak
550
00:20:29,298 --> 00:20:31,966
are the only thing
that separates me
551
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,201
from guys like Sid over there.
552
00:20:34,736 --> 00:20:36,637
No disrespect.
I got your next round.
553
00:20:36,705 --> 00:20:38,038
Well, I don't have any rules.
554
00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,808
Don't do... don't...
555
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,643
No customers...
556
00:20:44,945 --> 00:20:46,213
...behind the bar.
557
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,688
Oh, Sid, you gotta...
You're killing me.
558
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,957
Sit down and
drink your beer.
559
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,027
I'm a man with feelings.
560
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,030
Feelings that are bubbling up
inside of me, and...
561
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,332
(Sighs)
562
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,033
...they're about to explode.
563
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,835
I'd like for those feelings
to explode on you.
564
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:14,905
You got this, dawg.
Look at you, dawg.
565
00:21:14,973 --> 00:21:16,508
Look at you!
566
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:17,908
Look at your face, dawg!
567
00:21:17,976 --> 00:21:19,244
Look at your face!
568
00:21:19,311 --> 00:21:20,578
You got this, son!
569
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,813
♪ Well, I love you ♪
570
00:21:23,681 --> 00:21:25,714
♪ And I've never
said those words ♪
571
00:21:25,782 --> 00:21:29,083
♪ Well, I love you,
from the bo... ♪
572
00:21:29,951 --> 00:21:34,984
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com