1
00:00:01,447 --> 00:00:04,149
Okay, gas, electric, and cable
2
00:00:04,217 --> 00:00:06,585
comes out to $219.34.
3
00:00:06,653 --> 00:00:07,853
Jessica?
4
00:00:07,921 --> 00:00:09,588
Do you have anything
to contribute?
5
00:00:09,656 --> 00:00:12,391
- Here we go.
- They're not all legal tenders,
6
00:00:12,458 --> 00:00:14,593
- but they have value, like...
- Sure.
7
00:00:14,661 --> 00:00:15,927
- That's $5.00.
- $5.00.
8
00:00:15,995 --> 00:00:17,328
Library card.
9
00:00:17,396 --> 00:00:19,397
- Library's not just for books any more.
- Mm-hmm.
10
00:00:19,464 --> 00:00:21,065
- Library card.
- Also, you can check out compact discs.
11
00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:22,901
- What else? This is a fortune.
- Um, yeah.
12
00:00:22,968 --> 00:00:25,503
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.
13
00:00:25,571 --> 00:00:27,939
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."
14
00:00:28,007 --> 00:00:29,741
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.
15
00:00:29,808 --> 00:00:31,075
Yes. I understand.
16
00:00:31,143 --> 00:00:32,308
It's just that, um...
17
00:00:32,376 --> 00:00:34,377
recently I went through a,
uh, life change
18
00:00:34,445 --> 00:00:35,712
where I was fired.
19
00:00:35,780 --> 00:00:36,947
Maybe I can borrow
20
00:00:37,015 --> 00:00:40,918
the money from my
good friend... Winston?
21
00:00:40,985 --> 00:00:43,219
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...
22
00:00:43,287 --> 00:00:45,722
I'm a single man now, so
basically I have to be able to
23
00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:49,458
trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.
24
00:00:49,526 --> 00:00:50,359
NICK:
Okay!
25
00:00:50,427 --> 00:00:52,862
Here is my share...
26
00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:55,297
to the penny.
27
00:00:55,365 --> 00:00:57,266
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!
28
00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:59,101
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.
29
00:00:59,169 --> 00:01:00,970
- That's gotta be rock bottom.
- Yeah, I got it.
30
00:01:01,038 --> 00:01:02,004
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas
31
00:01:02,072 --> 00:01:03,172
until you can get me the money.
32
00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:04,472
- What?
- What are you talking about?
33
00:01:04,540 --> 00:01:06,474
Don't scapegoat me.
I just gave you my money.
34
00:01:06,542 --> 00:01:07,876
That's called tough love,
all right?
35
00:01:07,944 --> 00:01:09,310
No more handouts.
36
00:01:09,378 --> 00:01:10,812
Now, what are you
going to do about it?
37
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,547
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?
38
00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:13,782
- I don't know.
NICK: I've got an idea.
39
00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:15,050
Get a job.
40
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,384
The school year's
already started.
41
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:17,752
I have a lot of
decisions to make
42
00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:18,920
as far as my résumé
is concerned.
43
00:01:18,988 --> 00:01:20,554
I have to choose a font,
44
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:22,289
spacing, columns...
45
00:01:22,356 --> 00:01:24,758
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.
46
00:01:24,826 --> 00:01:26,426
- Did you call me a ninny?
NICK: Yeah, I called you a ninny,
47
00:01:26,494 --> 00:01:28,562
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!
48
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,731
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!
49
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,066
Ah! Why would you...
yucky! No, no, no.
50
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:33,266
- I don't want to hear it.
- It hurts.
51
00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:34,534
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs
52
00:01:34,603 --> 00:01:35,702
and they're all hatching.
53
00:01:35,769 --> 00:01:37,637
I feel like I
want to murder someone,
54
00:01:37,705 --> 00:01:39,505
and also I want soft pretzels.
55
00:01:39,573 --> 00:01:41,040
You know what?
I feel the same way.
56
00:01:41,108 --> 00:01:42,642
Shut up!
Shut up, you!
57
00:01:42,710 --> 00:01:44,276
'Cause I don't want to hear it!
58
00:01:44,344 --> 00:01:45,344
I've had it!
59
00:01:45,412 --> 00:01:46,746
If any of you cross me,
60
00:01:46,814 --> 00:01:49,716
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!
61
00:01:49,783 --> 00:01:52,417
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.
62
00:01:52,485 --> 00:01:54,119
Because that's where
I'm at right now.
63
00:01:54,186 --> 00:01:56,254
Now which one of you guys
64
00:01:56,322 --> 00:02:00,092
wants to tell me to get a job?
65
00:02:00,159 --> 00:02:01,359
Hmm?
66
00:02:01,427 --> 00:02:05,664
Who wants to look me in the face
67
00:02:05,732 --> 00:02:08,666
and tell me to get a job?
68
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:10,200
Whatever.
69
00:02:11,268 --> 00:02:12,870
"Whatever?"
70
00:02:12,938 --> 00:02:14,538
What does that mean, huh?
Whatever.
71
00:02:14,606 --> 00:02:16,974
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."
72
00:02:17,042 --> 00:02:19,276
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse
73
00:02:19,344 --> 00:02:21,646
once a month to act
irrationally angry
74
00:02:21,713 --> 00:02:23,813
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.
75
00:02:23,881 --> 00:02:25,248
You're irrationally angry
76
00:02:25,315 --> 00:02:27,216
365 days a year, Nick.
77
00:02:27,284 --> 00:02:28,451
What are you talking about?
78
00:02:30,921 --> 00:02:32,756
I will push if I want to push!
79
00:02:32,823 --> 00:02:34,157
Come on!
80
00:02:34,224 --> 00:02:36,660
(Grunting)
81
00:02:36,727 --> 00:02:38,227
I hate doors!
82
00:02:38,295 --> 00:02:40,029
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,
83
00:02:40,096 --> 00:02:41,329
'cause I don't
have anger issues.
84
00:02:41,397 --> 00:02:42,731
You guys think
I have anger issues?
85
00:02:42,799 --> 00:02:44,733
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.
86
00:02:44,801 --> 00:02:46,301
An issue is something
you can fix.
87
00:02:46,369 --> 00:02:47,602
Been that way
since I can remember.
88
00:02:49,605 --> 00:02:51,273
This is some
watered-down nonsense.
89
00:02:51,340 --> 00:02:53,308
You're some no-good shysters!
90
00:02:56,712 --> 00:02:58,846
On an unrelated note, I've just
decided to take a walk.
91
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:01,282
Fine! Leave!
92
00:03:02,885 --> 00:03:04,285
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,
93
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,788
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...
94
00:03:06,855 --> 00:03:07,889
Job?
Shut up!
95
00:03:07,956 --> 00:03:10,391
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
96
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,992
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
97
00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:18,492
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
98
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,739
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.
99
00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:27,807
I would love to sit
by myself right now.
100
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:32,144
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.
101
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,580
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.
102
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,854
You got a nice face.
103
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,388
(Sighs)
104
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:44,789
Anger problem?
105
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:46,557
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?
106
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:47,792
It's frustrating.
107
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:49,060
It's like...
just get a job.
108
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,394
I like your hat.
109
00:03:50,462 --> 00:03:51,730
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,
110
00:03:51,797 --> 00:03:53,231
it's just blue.
111
00:03:53,298 --> 00:03:55,967
Would you rather be covered in
fish scales or feathers?
112
00:03:58,604 --> 00:03:59,537
(Laughing):
Scales?
113
00:03:59,605 --> 00:04:01,038
Wow, you weirdo.
114
00:04:01,106 --> 00:04:04,141
You want to see me
jump really high?
115
00:04:04,209 --> 00:04:05,675
Ha! Ah ha!
(Laughing)
116
00:04:05,744 --> 00:04:07,577
I'm afraid of dying, man.
117
00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:11,715
Who am I?!
118
00:04:11,783 --> 00:04:13,416
The enemy is en-e-my.
119
00:04:13,484 --> 00:04:16,986
The enemy is
the inner me.
120
00:04:17,054 --> 00:04:18,387
(Laughs) Can you understand
a word I'm saying?
121
00:04:18,455 --> 00:04:20,723
You just nod at everything.
122
00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:22,358
I need to change.
123
00:04:22,425 --> 00:04:23,760
And you've showed me that.
124
00:04:23,827 --> 00:04:26,162
I have an anger problem.
125
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:27,596
Thank you.
126
00:04:27,664 --> 00:04:28,664
Can I get a hug?
127
00:04:33,202 --> 00:04:34,702
- I've got a story for you guys.
- Ooh.
128
00:04:34,771 --> 00:04:36,204
I met someone at work.
129
00:04:37,606 --> 00:04:38,840
Emma Sharpe.
130
00:04:38,908 --> 00:04:40,108
Divisional VP of
all North America.
131
00:04:40,176 --> 00:04:41,810
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?
132
00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:43,779
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?
133
00:04:43,846 --> 00:04:46,248
Sure. That means I'm the
Vice President of it.
134
00:04:50,485 --> 00:04:55,389
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.
135
00:04:55,456 --> 00:04:57,224
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.
136
00:04:57,292 --> 00:04:59,326
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment
137
00:04:59,394 --> 00:05:01,796
- and something awesome.
- I thought you hated your co-workers.
138
00:05:01,863 --> 00:05:03,497
- You said they were a bunch of...
- Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks?
139
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,831
Yeah, I know what I said.
140
00:05:04,899 --> 00:05:07,867
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.
141
00:05:07,935 --> 00:05:09,703
ROBBY: Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.
142
00:05:09,771 --> 00:05:11,505
- Thank you. - What you deserve
is a girl who respects you.
143
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,039
- You know? A nice girl.
- Mm-hmm.
144
00:05:13,107 --> 00:05:15,208
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.
145
00:05:15,276 --> 00:05:16,576
- Well, that's what I thought, too.
- Yeah.
146
00:05:16,644 --> 00:05:18,378
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.
147
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:21,547
You mean Cece?
148
00:05:21,615 --> 00:05:24,049
You think that I'm... nice?
149
00:05:24,117 --> 00:05:25,284
No.
150
00:05:25,352 --> 00:05:27,353
I think you're the nicest.
151
00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:29,121
- Mm.
- Hmm.
152
00:05:29,189 --> 00:05:31,256
Robby!
(Laughs)
153
00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:33,824
Yes, the man just left.
154
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,660
And he turned off the gas.
155
00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,028
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill
156
00:05:37,095 --> 00:05:38,062
as a matter of principle.
157
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,328
You'd like me to
take the survey?
158
00:05:39,396 --> 00:05:40,797
Of course I'll
take the survey.
159
00:05:40,865 --> 00:05:42,331
- Schmidt?
- Yeah, hold on.
160
00:05:42,399 --> 00:05:43,900
Can I share some thing
with you, man to man?
161
00:05:44,001 --> 00:05:46,335
Oh, I'm...
162
00:05:46,403 --> 00:05:47,571
(Music plays)
163
00:05:47,605 --> 00:05:49,606
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.
164
00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:51,207
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.
165
00:05:51,275 --> 00:05:52,408
You're talking to Schmidt.
166
00:05:52,443 --> 00:05:53,943
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.
167
00:05:58,281 --> 00:05:59,281
Okay.
168
00:05:59,348 --> 00:06:01,450
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.
169
00:06:01,517 --> 00:06:03,385
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?
170
00:06:03,453 --> 00:06:04,787
Now, apparently this
is an affliction
171
00:06:04,854 --> 00:06:06,154
that men suffer from
all the time.
172
00:06:06,222 --> 00:06:07,189
Right on.
173
00:06:07,256 --> 00:06:09,124
I don't know
how it happened, man,
174
00:06:09,192 --> 00:06:13,795
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...
175
00:06:13,862 --> 00:06:15,496
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.
176
00:06:15,564 --> 00:06:16,731
Winston!
177
00:06:16,799 --> 00:06:18,332
Men can't get their periods.
178
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,500
Where would they
put the tampon?
179
00:06:19,568 --> 00:06:20,935
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?
180
00:06:21,003 --> 00:06:22,269
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?
181
00:06:22,337 --> 00:06:23,504
You jack-faced butthole!
182
00:06:23,572 --> 00:06:24,739
JESS:
Who's the jack-faced butthole
183
00:06:24,807 --> 00:06:26,607
who turned off the hot water?!
184
00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:27,874
Witch!
What have you done to my body?
185
00:06:27,942 --> 00:06:29,109
Shut up, you!
186
00:06:29,176 --> 00:06:31,078
Why is there no hot water?!
187
00:06:31,145 --> 00:06:32,345
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.
188
00:06:32,413 --> 00:06:33,480
If you don't pay,
you don't play.
189
00:06:33,547 --> 00:06:35,048
You also don't shower.
190
00:06:35,116 --> 00:06:36,349
Are you serious?
191
00:06:36,417 --> 00:06:37,718
- Thank you, Denise.
NICK: Hey, hey!
192
00:06:37,785 --> 00:06:38,952
Hey, great buddies.
193
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:40,186
- Ow, my skin!
- Okay.
194
00:06:40,254 --> 00:06:41,822
- Roommates... hey, buddy.
- Don't poke me.
195
00:06:42,389 --> 00:06:45,591
Something wonderful
happened to me today,
196
00:06:45,659 --> 00:06:47,760
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.
197
00:06:47,828 --> 00:06:49,461
Oh, shut up, Nick.
(Laughs)
198
00:06:49,529 --> 00:06:50,696
So let me get this straight:
199
00:06:50,764 --> 00:06:51,831
Nothing at all's
going to set you off?
200
00:06:51,898 --> 00:06:52,832
That's right.
201
00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:54,166
Nothing's gonna get to me,
202
00:06:54,234 --> 00:06:55,567
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.
203
00:06:55,636 --> 00:06:57,870
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.
204
00:06:57,938 --> 00:07:00,171
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing, I looked it up.
205
00:07:00,239 --> 00:07:01,439
- Sympathy PMS? What's that?
JESS: No!
206
00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:02,907
PMS is mine!
207
00:07:02,975 --> 00:07:04,408
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
208
00:07:04,476 --> 00:07:05,543
You're telling me you're having
209
00:07:05,611 --> 00:07:06,845
a pre-menstrual
something right now?
210
00:07:06,912 --> 00:07:08,780
- Yes.
- Okay.
211
00:07:08,848 --> 00:07:10,414
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.
212
00:07:10,482 --> 00:07:11,582
No! You can't have my menzies.
213
00:07:11,651 --> 00:07:12,784
He's got her menzies.
214
00:07:12,852 --> 00:07:14,152
No part of this conversation
215
00:07:14,219 --> 00:07:15,485
is making me want to
boil over with rage.
216
00:07:15,553 --> 00:07:18,756
I feel really good, guys.
217
00:07:18,823 --> 00:07:21,125
(Water running)
218
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,493
Hey, gang, why is
the water so cold?
219
00:07:23,561 --> 00:07:25,029
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,
220
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,396
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview
221
00:07:26,464 --> 00:07:27,531
with the red devil in my belly,
222
00:07:27,598 --> 00:07:29,767
I also have to go unshowered.
223
00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:31,768
So let me get this straight: there's
no hot water in the whole house?
224
00:07:31,835 --> 00:07:33,102
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
225
00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:34,170
Seems strange.
226
00:07:34,237 --> 00:07:35,838
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up
227
00:07:35,906 --> 00:07:37,807
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.
228
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,576
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.
229
00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:41,678
NICK:
This is good!
230
00:07:41,745 --> 00:07:42,679
We got a lot of
feelings going around.
231
00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:43,680
A lot of anger.
232
00:07:43,747 --> 00:07:45,281
And you. You...
233
00:07:45,348 --> 00:07:46,748
You're suddenly calm?
234
00:07:46,816 --> 00:07:48,016
- Yeah.
- Really?
235
00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,451
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.
236
00:07:50,519 --> 00:07:51,619
I hear that.
237
00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:53,989
(Yelling)
238
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,223
Gonna go to the store!
239
00:07:55,291 --> 00:07:56,524
Does anybody want anything?!
240
00:07:56,592 --> 00:07:58,694
Thank you, Denise.
241
00:08:00,930 --> 00:08:01,930
Hey, you wanted to see me?
242
00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:03,998
Shut the door.
243
00:08:04,866 --> 00:08:05,666
Whoa.
244
00:08:05,734 --> 00:08:07,935
Quick reflexes. Good.
245
00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:11,572
I am going to devour you.
246
00:08:11,639 --> 00:08:13,873
- You see that contract?
- Oh, the thick one?
247
00:08:13,941 --> 00:08:15,309
With all those tabbies?
248
00:08:17,713 --> 00:08:18,512
Do me on it.
249
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:20,214
Pick that up.
250
00:08:20,281 --> 00:08:22,982
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?
251
00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:23,817
No.
252
00:08:24,384 --> 00:08:27,087
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.
253
00:08:27,154 --> 00:08:28,555
Stand up.
254
00:08:28,623 --> 00:08:29,756
(Sighs)
255
00:08:29,824 --> 00:08:31,091
What is this thing?
256
00:08:31,158 --> 00:08:32,192
You're gonna have to sign it
257
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:33,227
before anything
can happen between us.
258
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:34,628
"Party A
absolves Party B
259
00:08:34,696 --> 00:08:36,629
"of any
psychological trauma,
260
00:08:36,697 --> 00:08:38,864
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."
261
00:08:38,932 --> 00:08:40,499
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.
262
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:41,734
I can't allow that.
263
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:43,802
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on
264
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:45,804
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.
265
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,774
You're gonna want
to sign it.
266
00:08:48,842 --> 00:08:50,843
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."
267
00:08:50,910 --> 00:08:52,877
Do I have a
latex allergy?
268
00:08:52,945 --> 00:08:53,945
That's very important.
269
00:08:54,012 --> 00:08:55,513
"Guaranteed
mercury poisoning"?
270
00:08:55,581 --> 00:08:56,481
Mm.
271
00:08:56,549 --> 00:08:57,249
Is this real?
272
00:08:59,518 --> 00:09:02,053
You have till week's end
to sign it.
273
00:09:03,989 --> 00:09:05,422
What is your name?!
274
00:09:05,490 --> 00:09:07,391
I can't keep
thinking of you
275
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,159
as my magical best
friend with no name.
276
00:09:09,227 --> 00:09:11,828
Joe. Tommy.
277
00:09:11,896 --> 00:09:14,097
Louis. Tran.
278
00:09:14,165 --> 00:09:16,800
Is it Tran?
279
00:09:16,868 --> 00:09:18,368
(Laughs)
280
00:09:18,435 --> 00:09:19,669
What a crazy guess!
281
00:09:19,737 --> 00:09:21,704
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.
282
00:09:21,773 --> 00:09:24,273
My roommates
are killing me.
283
00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:28,177
Fine, you're right.
284
00:09:28,245 --> 00:09:29,544
Okay, I like
them, all right?
285
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,280
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?
286
00:09:31,347 --> 00:09:34,150
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!
287
00:09:34,217 --> 00:09:35,818
How do you
just get it?
288
00:09:35,886 --> 00:09:37,319
How do I become you?
289
00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:38,821
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.
290
00:09:41,991 --> 00:09:44,025
(Groans)
291
00:09:44,093 --> 00:09:45,559
All right,
man, I'm in.
292
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,096
You lead, my man.
293
00:09:48,164 --> 00:09:50,799
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.
294
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,518
Jessica Day?
295
00:10:11,585 --> 00:10:13,152
So why do you want
to teach adults?
296
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:15,754
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen
297
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,023
to go back to school,
you know,
298
00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:19,158
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,
299
00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:20,159
- that they want...
- Oh!
300
00:10:20,227 --> 00:10:22,628
I named my dog Boo after...
301
00:10:22,696 --> 00:10:23,996
After Boo Radley?
302
00:10:24,064 --> 00:10:24,897
- Exactly.
- That's amazing.
303
00:10:24,965 --> 00:10:26,465
Oh, my God.
304
00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:27,533
She was a puppy.
305
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:28,733
She's so cute.
306
00:10:28,801 --> 00:10:30,101
I know.
307
00:10:30,169 --> 00:10:31,636
Such a cutie.
308
00:10:34,473 --> 00:10:35,807
(Sniffles)
309
00:10:39,778 --> 00:10:41,279
(Sniffles)
310
00:10:41,347 --> 00:10:44,548
(Voice breaking):
This cup is so tiny.
311
00:10:44,615 --> 00:10:46,817
So cute.
312
00:10:46,885 --> 00:10:48,618
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?
313
00:10:48,686 --> 00:10:49,920
I just don't understand.
314
00:10:49,988 --> 00:10:53,090
Just physically,
how did she get so small?
315
00:10:53,158 --> 00:10:55,860
I'm sorry, um...
316
00:10:55,927 --> 00:10:57,394
I'm sorry, I got this...
317
00:10:57,462 --> 00:10:58,762
I don't know what's wrong.
318
00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:00,063
So weird.
319
00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,531
Never happens to me.
320
00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:03,566
She's really cute.
321
00:11:03,633 --> 00:11:04,667
Yes, she was.
322
00:11:11,342 --> 00:11:13,309
Did she die?
323
00:11:13,377 --> 00:11:14,410
It's fine.
324
00:11:14,478 --> 00:11:15,611
It's been two years.
325
00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,113
(Sputters)
326
00:11:18,181 --> 00:11:19,648
(Sobbing)
327
00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:27,490
(Sobbing):
Puppy...
328
00:11:27,557 --> 00:11:30,626
in a...
329
00:11:30,694 --> 00:11:32,361
cup.
330
00:11:32,428 --> 00:11:34,729
(Sobbing)
331
00:11:34,797 --> 00:11:36,030
(Sniffles)
332
00:11:36,098 --> 00:11:37,499
So... (Chuckles)
333
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:39,801
we're both dog people, right?
334
00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:44,924
Schmidt, am I nice?
335
00:11:44,992 --> 00:11:46,792
- No.
- Thank you.
336
00:11:47,862 --> 00:11:50,095
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?
337
00:11:50,163 --> 00:11:51,096
I'm the mistake.
338
00:11:51,164 --> 00:11:52,798
Ah, Robby.
339
00:11:52,866 --> 00:11:55,300
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.
340
00:11:55,368 --> 00:11:56,569
I'm the one
who messes things up.
341
00:11:56,637 --> 00:11:57,769
I agree with you.
342
00:11:57,837 --> 00:11:59,704
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.
343
00:11:59,772 --> 00:12:01,573
(Groans)
344
00:12:01,641 --> 00:12:03,041
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.
345
00:12:03,108 --> 00:12:04,409
Oh, my God.
346
00:12:04,476 --> 00:12:06,377
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.
347
00:12:06,445 --> 00:12:07,612
What happens
when he realizes
348
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,848
he was wrong about
me the entire time?
349
00:12:09,916 --> 00:12:10,982
He's just
gonna run away.
350
00:12:11,050 --> 00:12:12,651
I would, I would
never run away from you.
351
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:16,520
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.
352
00:12:17,956 --> 00:12:19,657
'Cause he's slow.
353
00:12:19,724 --> 00:12:20,758
And I'm fast.
354
00:12:24,029 --> 00:12:27,130
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.
355
00:12:28,198 --> 00:12:29,232
You know me, Schmidt.
356
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:31,701
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.
357
00:12:31,769 --> 00:12:33,436
I'm not scared of you.
358
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,438
I mean, I'm bad.
359
00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:38,374
I do...
360
00:12:38,442 --> 00:12:41,243
I do bad things.
361
00:12:41,311 --> 00:12:42,411
I don't think
you're a nice girl.
362
00:12:43,781 --> 00:12:45,347
Think you're the worst.
363
00:12:53,422 --> 00:12:54,355
No.
364
00:12:54,423 --> 00:12:55,523
No...?
365
00:12:55,592 --> 00:12:58,126
No. I can't do
this to Robby.
366
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,128
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.
367
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,563
- You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person. - Yep.
368
00:13:01,630 --> 00:13:03,430
We can totally do this.
No qualms.
369
00:13:03,498 --> 00:13:05,199
- I have a qualm. I have a qualm.
- You don't have a qualm.
370
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:06,433
We sold our qualms,
371
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:07,969
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.
372
00:13:08,036 --> 00:13:10,137
- Robby is right.
- Hmm.
373
00:13:10,205 --> 00:13:12,473
- I'm nice.
- I'm not nice, all right?
374
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:15,175
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now
375
00:13:15,243 --> 00:13:17,277
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.
376
00:13:17,345 --> 00:13:18,544
Stop, stop,
stop, stop.
377
00:13:18,613 --> 00:13:20,046
But I-I don't want to stop.
(Laughs)
378
00:13:20,114 --> 00:13:21,147
I really don't.
379
00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:22,949
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.
380
00:13:23,017 --> 00:13:26,319
I am a monster.
381
00:13:26,386 --> 00:13:27,821
I got to go.
382
00:13:27,888 --> 00:13:29,222
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.
383
00:13:29,289 --> 00:13:31,057
Thank you. I really
needed this.
384
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:32,025
Mm-hmm.
385
00:13:36,162 --> 00:13:37,763
(Sighs)
386
00:13:37,831 --> 00:13:38,797
(Door closes)
387
00:13:39,865 --> 00:13:41,033
And I...
388
00:13:45,571 --> 00:13:48,140
I'm a monster.
389
00:13:49,207 --> 00:13:50,374
Okay.
390
00:13:50,442 --> 00:13:52,409
What is this place?
391
00:13:52,477 --> 00:13:55,212
What are you...?
392
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:56,881
What would you like?
393
00:13:56,949 --> 00:13:58,116
What does this mean?
394
00:13:58,183 --> 00:14:00,118
Let's not do this.
395
00:14:00,185 --> 00:14:02,486
Let's not take off
our clothes.
396
00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:04,822
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...
397
00:14:06,223 --> 00:14:08,058
(Sighs)
398
00:14:12,263 --> 00:14:14,131
What do I know?
399
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:20,137
We're taking our pants off?
400
00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:24,240
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?
401
00:14:24,308 --> 00:14:26,042
(Chuckles):
Yeah.
402
00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,144
Stay on.
Underwear good.
403
00:14:28,212 --> 00:14:30,846
(Groaning)
404
00:14:30,914 --> 00:14:33,383
(Flute playing ethereal music)
405
00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:36,118
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?
406
00:14:36,187 --> 00:14:38,853
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.
407
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:42,257
This is a moment
that got away from me, man.
408
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:49,198
Oh, that's my butt.
409
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,400
This is intimate.
410
00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:53,602
(Sighs)
411
00:14:54,670 --> 00:14:56,971
(Whispers):
How did you know?
412
00:14:57,138 --> 00:14:59,807
(Sighs)
413
00:15:02,311 --> 00:15:04,312
You are a huge baby.
414
00:15:04,379 --> 00:15:06,880
Yeah, I am.
415
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:11,050
I am a huge baby.
416
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,385
Forget it, I'm done.
417
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,853
I'm not getting
a teaching job.
418
00:15:13,921 --> 00:15:14,787
- Mm.
- Just can't go
419
00:15:14,855 --> 00:15:16,223
back out there, you know?
420
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,557
Oh, I feel you, Jess.
421
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,092
I took a sick day.
422
00:15:19,159 --> 00:15:21,928
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.
423
00:15:21,995 --> 00:15:23,996
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?
424
00:15:24,064 --> 00:15:25,665
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information
425
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:26,833
that I've read on the Internet.
426
00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:28,534
That women like you
427
00:15:28,602 --> 00:15:30,236
- are the alpha.
- What?
428
00:15:30,303 --> 00:15:32,839
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life
429
00:15:32,906 --> 00:15:35,608
are just latched on
to your cycle.
430
00:15:35,675 --> 00:15:38,477
In my case, grown-ass man.
431
00:15:39,045 --> 00:15:41,814
Oh, yeah, good news.
432
00:15:41,882 --> 00:15:43,181
The gang's all here.
433
00:15:43,249 --> 00:15:44,216
Guys just PMS-ing?
434
00:15:44,283 --> 00:15:45,416
Not in the mood today.
435
00:15:45,484 --> 00:15:46,651
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,
436
00:15:46,719 --> 00:15:48,220
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,
437
00:15:48,287 --> 00:15:49,420
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.
438
00:15:49,488 --> 00:15:50,388
I understand.
439
00:15:50,456 --> 00:15:51,489
What's wrong with you?
440
00:15:51,557 --> 00:15:52,657
I'm no longer angry!
441
00:15:52,725 --> 00:15:53,892
All the anger
442
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,293
that used to be
inside of me is gone!
443
00:15:55,361 --> 00:15:56,427
It's gone, it's gone!
444
00:15:56,495 --> 00:15:59,196
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.
445
00:16:01,066 --> 00:16:02,800
- What is wrong with you?
- No.
446
00:16:02,868 --> 00:16:04,168
Period's got you down?
447
00:16:04,236 --> 00:16:05,702
That is such
a raw deal.
448
00:16:05,771 --> 00:16:07,138
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?
449
00:16:07,205 --> 00:16:08,272
Ew!
450
00:16:08,339 --> 00:16:09,473
Okay, I won't
get that.
451
00:16:09,540 --> 00:16:11,041
But you're okay
with pads or tampons
452
00:16:11,109 --> 00:16:12,476
or whatever it is
that you're using?
453
00:16:12,543 --> 00:16:13,477
(Blows raspberries)
454
00:16:13,544 --> 00:16:15,611
Tell me about your day, please.
455
00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:17,113
I want to get into
your universe.
456
00:16:17,181 --> 00:16:18,815
Let's rap it out. Go.
457
00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:20,850
Floor is yours, pal.
458
00:16:20,918 --> 00:16:22,018
Talk, talk, talk.
459
00:16:22,086 --> 00:16:23,352
I want to listen.
460
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,388
- No.
- 30 seconds of direct eye contact?
461
00:16:25,455 --> 00:16:27,023
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.
462
00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:28,124
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.
463
00:16:28,192 --> 00:16:30,026
One, two...
464
00:16:30,794 --> 00:16:32,795
I bombed all my interviews.
465
00:16:32,862 --> 00:16:34,263
What? What happened?
466
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,999
I was sabotaged by my baby box,
467
00:16:37,066 --> 00:16:38,466
which means I'm never
468
00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:40,002
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.
469
00:16:40,069 --> 00:16:42,070
So that rules out a family.
470
00:16:42,138 --> 00:16:44,439
I know just the thing you need.
471
00:16:44,507 --> 00:16:45,607
Come with me.
472
00:16:46,942 --> 00:16:49,677
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.
473
00:16:56,418 --> 00:16:59,486
You are a piece of seaweed.
474
00:16:59,554 --> 00:17:00,587
You are totally happy.
475
00:17:00,655 --> 00:17:02,389
Ow!
476
00:17:02,457 --> 00:17:03,723
- I don't mean to touch your boobs!
- You're touching my boobs!
477
00:17:03,791 --> 00:17:04,624
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!
478
00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:05,892
Fail, fail, fail.
479
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,060
The next move is...
480
00:17:07,128 --> 00:17:08,261
Oh, my...!
481
00:17:08,329 --> 00:17:10,763
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.
482
00:17:10,832 --> 00:17:14,467
(Both shouting)
483
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,369
Relax!
484
00:17:16,437 --> 00:17:17,603
Oh, no.
485
00:17:17,671 --> 00:17:19,038
What are you trying to do?!
486
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,072
Kill me?!
487
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,740
It worked for me.
488
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,142
I was trying to help you.
489
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:26,178
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.
490
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,213
I'm not doubting myself.
491
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,580
You're doubting yourself, Jess.
492
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:29,548
No, Nick, it's PMS.
493
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,084
It's not PMS.
494
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,886
You got knocked down.
495
00:17:33,954 --> 00:17:35,386
It's time to get back up.
496
00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:37,722
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.
497
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,559
I believe in you.
498
00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:43,661
So does that guy.
499
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,130
Hey.
500
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:47,631
Think you can do that?
501
00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:51,201
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.
502
00:17:51,269 --> 00:17:52,535
- Can you do that?
- Yes.
503
00:17:52,603 --> 00:17:53,737
Can you do that?
504
00:17:53,804 --> 00:17:54,905
Yes!
505
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,475
Jessica Day?
506
00:17:58,542 --> 00:18:00,944
- Yes, I'm here.
- Weren't you here the other day?
507
00:18:01,012 --> 00:18:02,579
Weren't you here the other day?
508
00:18:03,646 --> 00:18:04,981
Yes, I was.
509
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:10,738
Well, I signed it.
Please note the added provision.
510
00:18:10,806 --> 00:18:13,207
In any autobiographical
account of my life,
511
00:18:13,274 --> 00:18:16,143
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.
512
00:18:16,211 --> 00:18:17,978
Non-negotiable.
513
00:18:18,046 --> 00:18:20,180
But you're fine
with the rest of it?
514
00:18:20,248 --> 00:18:22,916
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into
515
00:18:22,984 --> 00:18:25,119
your Narnia of sexual terror
516
00:18:25,186 --> 00:18:27,787
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.
517
00:18:28,355 --> 00:18:29,222
Put your hands out.
518
00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:31,190
Let's do this.
519
00:18:31,258 --> 00:18:32,258
(Rope cracks)
520
00:18:32,326 --> 00:18:33,359
Are you ready?
521
00:18:36,196 --> 00:18:37,797
I'm ready.
All right.
522
00:18:37,865 --> 00:18:38,732
Oh, yeah.
523
00:18:40,399 --> 00:18:41,167
(Chuckles):
Okay.
524
00:18:41,235 --> 00:18:42,002
Interesting technique.
525
00:18:44,004 --> 00:18:45,070
Hold tight.
526
00:18:45,138 --> 00:18:47,205
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.
527
00:18:47,273 --> 00:18:49,008
What, have you never
bound somebody before?
528
00:18:49,075 --> 00:18:50,208
I got to start over.
(Laughs)
529
00:18:50,276 --> 00:18:51,143
This your first time?
530
00:18:54,946 --> 00:18:56,248
(Whispers):
Are you rejecting me?
531
00:18:56,315 --> 00:18:57,882
No, I-- no.
532
00:18:57,950 --> 00:18:59,251
I mean...
533
00:18:59,318 --> 00:19:02,987
Because legally...
you can't.
534
00:19:03,056 --> 00:19:04,056
(Chuckles)
535
00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:07,358
Now take off
your pants.
536
00:19:07,926 --> 00:19:08,559
Okay.
537
00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:09,527
Now.
538
00:19:09,594 --> 00:19:10,994
All right, all right.
539
00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:16,067
I got it. I got it.
540
00:19:16,134 --> 00:19:17,734
Right there. Oh.
541
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:18,902
No, I got it.
542
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:20,204
Hold on, I got it.
543
00:19:20,272 --> 00:19:23,139
I did it. I did it.
544
00:19:23,207 --> 00:19:24,207
Ladies and gentlemen,
545
00:19:24,275 --> 00:19:26,142
drumroll please.
546
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:27,510
(Imitating drumroll)
(Imitating high hat rhythm)
547
00:19:27,578 --> 00:19:29,446
Cut! Cut, Nick!
548
00:19:29,513 --> 00:19:30,547
Snare drum.
549
00:19:30,614 --> 00:19:31,681
I shouldn't have to specify.
550
00:19:31,748 --> 00:19:33,515
- Jess, that was a cymbal.
- Cymbals are part of the drum kit.
551
00:19:33,585 --> 00:19:34,952
Yeah.
552
00:19:35,019 --> 00:19:36,652
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate
553
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,722
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.
554
00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:41,624
- Not my middle initial.
- Who will once again
555
00:19:41,692 --> 00:19:44,594
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.
556
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:47,597
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,
557
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,966
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.
558
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,166
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,
559
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:52,501
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?
560
00:19:52,569 --> 00:19:54,035
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires
561
00:19:54,103 --> 00:19:55,269
- and bad childhoods.
- I do.
562
00:19:55,337 --> 00:19:56,838
- You're gonna get them.
- In any case,
563
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,708
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled
564
00:19:59,775 --> 00:20:01,910
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.
565
00:20:01,978 --> 00:20:03,778
Yes.
566
00:20:03,846 --> 00:20:07,048
Now, let
there be gas.
567
00:20:07,116 --> 00:20:08,882
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
568
00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,618
Ah, yeah!
569
00:20:10,685 --> 00:20:13,053
- Gonna be hot water in six to ten
minutes, fool! What?! - Yeah!
570
00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:14,354
("Jump Around"
by House of Pain playing)
571
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,057
(Cheering)
572
00:20:18,727 --> 00:20:20,661
(Chanting):
Schmidt! Schmidt!
573
00:20:20,729 --> 00:20:21,895
ALL:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
574
00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:23,163
- Where's Winston?
- Where is Winston?
575
00:20:23,231 --> 00:20:24,564
- Go get Winston!
- Where is he?
576
00:20:24,632 --> 00:20:26,666
(Chanting): Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!
577
00:20:26,734 --> 00:20:28,400
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
578
00:20:28,468 --> 00:20:30,569
Schmidt! Schmidt!
579
00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:32,038
JESS:
Come on, jump around with us.
580
00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,773
Come jump with us, Winston.
581
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,474
Sleepy eyes.
582
00:20:35,542 --> 00:20:37,043
Hey.
583
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,444
(Music stops)
What's going on, man?
584
00:20:41,547 --> 00:20:43,515
I don't really have PMS.
585
00:20:43,582 --> 00:20:46,017
I know. You're a man.
586
00:20:46,084 --> 00:20:48,620
(Sobbing)
587
00:20:49,888 --> 00:20:51,623
I miss Shelby.
588
00:20:51,690 --> 00:20:53,491
This is all about
your breakup?
589
00:20:55,027 --> 00:20:57,361
I know just the thing
you need.
590
00:20:57,428 --> 00:20:58,695
Oh, no.
591
00:20:58,763 --> 00:21:00,197
Just relax and breathe.
(Playing music)
592
00:21:00,265 --> 00:21:01,532
I'll take your shoulders.
593
00:21:01,599 --> 00:21:02,666
I'll take your feet.
594
00:21:02,733 --> 00:21:04,301
This is really weird, man.
595
00:21:04,369 --> 00:21:05,502
Really weird.
596
00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:06,603
Cool vibe, man.
597
00:21:06,671 --> 00:21:09,706
WINSTON:
What are you guys doing now?
598
00:21:09,774 --> 00:21:12,276
What have I gotten myself into?
599
00:21:12,343 --> 00:21:13,176
SCHMIDT:
Hey, lady,
600
00:21:13,243 --> 00:21:14,410
crushing that flute, babe.
601
00:21:14,478 --> 00:21:15,878
And breathe.
602
00:21:15,945 --> 00:21:17,613
Okay, I'm trying.
I'm gonna do that.
603
00:21:17,681 --> 00:21:18,914
Whoa.
Just chill out.
604
00:21:18,982 --> 00:21:20,616
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?
605
00:21:20,684 --> 00:21:22,084
No! Come on!
Come on, chill out!
606
00:21:22,152 --> 00:21:23,152
(Laughter)
607
00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:24,453
Nick, what are
you doing, man?!
608
00:21:24,521 --> 00:21:25,788
Reset. Let's reset.
609
00:21:25,855 --> 00:21:26,889
This is weird!
610
00:21:27,756 --> 00:21:29,257
No! No! No!
611
00:21:30,825 --> 00:21:35,726
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com