1
00:00:05,067 --> 00:00:07,024
♪ Happy birthday, dude! ♪
2
00:00:07,025 --> 00:00:08,571
- Hello.
- I made you a cake.
3
00:00:08,574 --> 00:00:11,003
Can't. Booked a car
show for tomorrow,
4
00:00:11,004 --> 00:00:13,528
and I have been
so good this week.
5
00:00:13,529 --> 00:00:16,008
- I lost four pounds.
- Oh, come on, Cece.
6
00:00:16,011 --> 00:00:18,016
It's your birthday.
We're gonna eat cake,
7
00:00:18,017 --> 00:00:20,028
we're gonna watch
Clueless on VHS,
8
00:00:20,029 --> 00:00:22,008
and we're gonna try to make
prom dresses out of towels.
9
00:00:22,009 --> 00:00:24,066
Obviously, just
like we always do.
10
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:25,095
As if!
11
00:00:25,596 --> 00:00:29,070
As if is, like,
the funniest thing ever.
12
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,046
I wish I had a stepbrother
to fall in love with.
13
00:00:31,047 --> 00:00:34,003
I know, right? Paul Rudd.
14
00:00:34,004 --> 00:00:36,003
You know, actually,
I thought maybe this year,
15
00:00:36,004 --> 00:00:37,999
we could go out, you know?
16
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,025
We go party tonight.
17
00:00:39,026 --> 00:00:43,041
Let dogs out.
Catch gypsy.
18
00:00:43,042 --> 00:00:47,041
Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go
to this last-minute thing
19
00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:48,090
she found out about,
so I thought
20
00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:50,079
we could all, you know,
just go out tonight.
21
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,000
- You, me, Nadia, the girls.
- The models?
22
00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:55,057
Yes, Jess, the models.
Please?
23
00:00:55,058 --> 00:00:58,066
You and I have never spent
my birthday apart, ever.
24
00:00:58,067 --> 00:01:00,015
Except for the one time
in seventh grade
25
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:02,008
where you walked out
of my sleepover because
26
00:01:02,009 --> 00:01:04,075
- you claimed...
- When you struck me in the breast.
27
00:01:04,076 --> 00:01:06,010
But I didn't even touch boob,
because you know,
28
00:01:06,011 --> 00:01:07,571
- we all knew you were stuffing...
- Oh, my God.
29
00:01:07,574 --> 00:01:09,574
We were all stuffing.
Stuffing? We all stuffed.
30
00:01:09,575 --> 00:01:12,029
- You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.
- Yes, we were.
31
00:01:12,032 --> 00:01:15,012
- It was seventh grade.
- I've been like this since I was seven.
32
00:01:15,015 --> 00:01:17,029
- You're...
- Come out with us tonight!
33
00:01:17,032 --> 00:01:19,054
- Please, please, please!
- Okay.
34
00:01:19,057 --> 00:01:20,083
- Okay.
- I'll come.
35
00:01:20,086 --> 00:01:22,007
Thank you.
36
00:01:22,008 --> 00:01:23,003
Mm-hmm.
37
00:01:23,004 --> 00:01:24,045
I so excited.
38
00:01:24,046 --> 00:01:28,003
I shake this thing
that my mama gave me.
39
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:29,091
YOLO!
40
00:01:29,092 --> 00:01:31,066
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
41
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:33,079
- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪
42
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,003
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
43
00:01:35,004 --> 00:01:36,023
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
44
00:01:36,024 --> 00:01:38,524
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
45
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,031
The Galapagos tortoise,
46
00:01:40,032 --> 00:01:41,033
- or Galapagos giant tortoise,
- Unbelievable...
47
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,000
Is the largest living species
of tortoise...
48
00:01:43,001 --> 00:01:44,041
Spectacular.
49
00:01:45,042 --> 00:01:46,049
Hey, do you think
50
00:01:46,050 --> 00:01:49,007
Jess would be mad if I got
a turtle and named it Jess,
51
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:51,000
even though I had that name
picked out before she moved in?
52
00:01:51,001 --> 00:01:53,058
- A turtle?
- Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty.
53
00:01:53,061 --> 00:01:56,091
In our home? Over my
turtle-disease-ridden dead body.
54
00:01:56,092 --> 00:01:58,071
Whatever, dream killer.
What's this?
55
00:01:59,072 --> 00:02:00,003
Got you a cookie.
56
00:02:00,004 --> 00:02:02,095
What, you have, like...?
57
00:02:02,096 --> 00:02:03,096
Have, like, an extra?
58
00:02:04,597 --> 00:02:06,032
No.
59
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:08,595
So you just, like,
got me a cookie?
60
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:11,028
Yeah, I was thinking about you.
61
00:02:11,529 --> 00:02:13,532
What do you mean you
were thinking about me?
62
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,517
What do you mean? I don't know.
I was thinking about you.
63
00:02:15,518 --> 00:02:17,571
Think about you a lot, bro.
64
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,507
Why?
65
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:23,588
I don't know. Because you're
my friend, you're on my mind.
66
00:02:24,089 --> 00:02:26,537
What, do you not
think about me?
67
00:02:26,538 --> 00:02:28,595
Of course not!
68
00:02:29,096 --> 00:02:31,574
Oh.
69
00:02:31,575 --> 00:02:33,549
Schmidt got me a cookie.
70
00:02:33,550 --> 00:02:35,595
Oh. Very nice.
71
00:02:37,096 --> 00:02:38,541
What do you guys think?
72
00:02:38,542 --> 00:02:40,512
- Whoa!--
- Smokin' hot.
73
00:02:40,513 --> 00:02:42,575
I'm going out tonight with Cece
and her model friends,
74
00:02:42,576 --> 00:02:46,520
and I'm going for "promising
ballerina turned streetwalker."
75
00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:48,541
You have too much
joie de vivre.
76
00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:51,545
Okay, you want to look
a little bit more bored, tired.
77
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,561
Just altogether disengaged.
78
00:02:53,562 --> 00:02:54,583
More tired-- more,
like, sick-like.
79
00:02:54,584 --> 00:02:57,503
Really let your bones
prop you up.
80
00:02:57,504 --> 00:02:58,533
Did you put shoe polish
on your eyes?
81
00:02:58,534 --> 00:03:01,520
I never understand
you women-- God.
82
00:03:01,521 --> 00:03:03,508
- Eye shadow, man.
- That's...?
83
00:03:03,509 --> 00:03:04,527
Oh, that's makeup?
84
00:03:04,528 --> 00:03:05,552
I would take that off.
85
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:06,560
That looks crazy.
86
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,594
Can't believe I have to deal
87
00:03:07,595 --> 00:03:09,540
with the models just
to hang out with Cece.
88
00:03:09,541 --> 00:03:10,592
Last time we hung out,
it was awful.
89
00:03:10,593 --> 00:03:12,503
I figure the best way to talk
90
00:03:12,504 --> 00:03:14,533
to models is just point
to objects and describe them.
91
00:03:14,534 --> 00:03:16,595
The table is round.
92
00:03:16,596 --> 00:03:18,553
It's also flat.
93
00:03:18,554 --> 00:03:22,524
Yes, the table is round,
and it's flat.
94
00:03:22,525 --> 00:03:23,567
Oh, look, a lamp.
95
00:03:25,508 --> 00:03:27,504
I love Cece,
and these are Cece's friends,
96
00:03:27,505 --> 00:03:29,553
so I should be able
to get along with them.
97
00:03:29,554 --> 00:03:31,566
I should be able
to deal with the fact
98
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:34,595
that they think
I look like a monkey...
99
00:03:34,596 --> 00:03:37,570
from a Russian cracker ad.
100
00:03:45,596 --> 00:03:47,553
Whatever.
101
00:03:47,554 --> 00:03:49,595
It's Cece's birthday.
It's her special night.
102
00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:51,588
I can get drunk,
point at furniture
103
00:03:51,589 --> 00:03:54,503
if that means I can spend
some quality time with my BFF.
104
00:03:54,504 --> 00:03:57,591
Hey, is it totally obvious
that I'm not wearing underwear?
105
00:03:57,592 --> 00:03:59,549
♪ Because it should be. ♪
106
00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:01,582
And that makes two of us.
107
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:04,558
Hey!
108
00:04:04,561 --> 00:04:06,538
- You made it!
- Sorry I'm late.
109
00:04:06,539 --> 00:04:08,592
They let in a lot of people
ahead of me-- like, a lot.
110
00:04:08,593 --> 00:04:11,516
Saving the best for last.
111
00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:12,519
Monkey cracker.
112
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,510
Monkey cracker.
113
00:04:14,509 --> 00:04:15,511
Monkey,
114
00:04:15,512 --> 00:04:18,499
monkey, where you keep
the crackers?
115
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:19,575
This is so much fun.
116
00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:23,542
Schmidt?
117
00:04:23,543 --> 00:04:25,516
So, it turns out
118
00:04:25,517 --> 00:04:27,520
there's more than
one type of turtle.
119
00:04:27,521 --> 00:04:29,595
I could go Eastern Box,
or spur thighed,
120
00:04:29,596 --> 00:04:31,553
or nearsighted loner.
121
00:04:32,597 --> 00:04:34,588
What was that?
You just grunt at me?
122
00:04:34,589 --> 00:04:36,571
- Wasn't a grunt.
- That was a grunt, Schmidt.
123
00:04:36,574 --> 00:04:39,554
- It was a "hurumph."
- Hurumph.
124
00:04:39,555 --> 00:04:41,502
I'm sorry if you took it the
wrong way; it was not a grunt.
125
00:04:41,503 --> 00:04:42,575
Serena Williams.
That was a grunt.
126
00:04:42,576 --> 00:04:44,537
It's all good, man, all right?
127
00:04:44,538 --> 00:04:46,511
It's all "smoove in the groove."
128
00:04:46,512 --> 00:04:48,503
Mellow, man.
129
00:04:48,504 --> 00:04:50,504
Mega-mellow.
130
00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:53,588
Okay.
131
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:03,574
Schmidt, what the hell
are you doing?
132
00:05:05,575 --> 00:05:06,591
You don't think about me?
133
00:05:06,592 --> 00:05:09,517
- What are you talking about?
- Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie,
134
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,583
I heard very clearly, "I don't
think about you, Schmidt."
135
00:05:11,584 --> 00:05:14,579
- Why would I think about you?!
- Because we're friends, we're not animals.
136
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:18,507
We're men, Schmidt! The only
time a man is allowed to think
137
00:05:18,508 --> 00:05:20,588
about another man is
when that man is Jay Cutler.
138
00:05:20,589 --> 00:05:22,561
I don't know who Jay Cutler is!
139
00:05:22,562 --> 00:05:24,531
Why are you saying
"Cutler" like that?
140
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:25,565
And I also don't know
what is allowed
141
00:05:25,566 --> 00:05:27,540
in the Cold-Hearted Republic
of Nick Miller,
142
00:05:27,541 --> 00:05:28,596
but I do know how I feel.
143
00:05:28,597 --> 00:05:30,575
- Ugh!
- And I know how much you love cookies.
144
00:05:30,576 --> 00:05:32,560
And I saw it there
behind the glass,
145
00:05:32,561 --> 00:05:34,596
and I thought, "Nick Miller--
I'm gonna buy him that."
146
00:05:34,597 --> 00:05:37,507
If I could give you
that cookie back, I would.
147
00:05:37,508 --> 00:05:39,575
Nothing would make me happier
than to throw it up,
148
00:05:39,576 --> 00:05:42,595
mash it into cookie-shape,
and shove it down your throat!
149
00:05:42,596 --> 00:05:45,588
- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
- No, that's not...
150
00:05:45,589 --> 00:05:47,579
- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
- No.
151
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,575
You're not mama-birding
anybody any cookie.
152
00:05:49,576 --> 00:05:51,595
Schmidt, I don't want
to mama-bird you a cookie.
153
00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:54,074
What is your problem, Schmidt?
154
00:05:54,075 --> 00:05:56,533
No mama-birding here!
155
00:05:59,083 --> 00:06:02,578
Okay, I think I got it, okay--
♪ Monkey, monkey ♪
156
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:04,561
♪ Where you keep your cracker? ♪
157
00:06:04,562 --> 00:06:08,587
♪ Monkey, monkey,
you are comrade best! ♪
158
00:06:08,588 --> 00:06:10,542
- Whoo.
- You know what?
159
00:06:10,545 --> 00:06:14,516
The dance is surprisingly
sexual for a children's cracker.
160
00:06:14,517 --> 00:06:17,562
- Do song again-- "Dance Monkey."
- I don't want to dance...
161
00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:19,499
"Dance Monkey."
162
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:20,575
♪ Monkey, monkey ♪
163
00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:22,595
♪ Where you keep
your crackers? ♪
164
00:06:22,596 --> 00:06:24,579
- Dance monkey, dance monkey.
- Cracker, please!
165
00:06:24,582 --> 00:06:26,521
- Dance monkey.
- Cracker, please!
166
00:06:26,522 --> 00:06:27,575
- Monkey! Monkey!
- No. You know what?
167
00:06:27,576 --> 00:06:28,596
Monkey! Monkey!
168
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:31,516
Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!
169
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:32,592
Monkey, monkey, monkey!
170
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,533
- Dance Monkey...
- You know what?
171
00:06:34,536 --> 00:06:35,557
No! Stop it!
172
00:06:35,558 --> 00:06:38,591
I don't want to, okay? I'm done.
173
00:06:38,592 --> 00:06:40,587
You guys are the worst!
174
00:06:40,588 --> 00:06:42,587
You're the worst.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
175
00:06:42,588 --> 00:06:45,561
All these racist in-jokes
about Romanians.
176
00:06:45,562 --> 00:06:48,566
Well, guess what?
I'm one-eighth Romanian!
177
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:49,168
Monkey, no!
178
00:06:49,169 --> 00:06:51,571
And I don't know why Cece would
want to spend her birthday here.
179
00:06:51,574 --> 00:06:55,532
It's like years of modeling
have made her dumber.
180
00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:57,588
- Nice, Jess.
- No! Cece.
181
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,570
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't...
182
00:06:59,571 --> 00:07:01,524
It's official.
183
00:07:01,525 --> 00:07:02,569
We got to turtle-proof
this loft.
184
00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:04,510
Schmidt cares about you
so much, man,
185
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:05,542
and you don't even
think about him.
186
00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:07,561
Are you being serious right now?
187
00:07:07,562 --> 00:07:10,511
Are you really
taking Schmidt's side on this?
188
00:07:10,512 --> 00:07:11,558
I am, because
I know how you are.
189
00:07:11,559 --> 00:07:14,511
I just don't know
why he would run away.
190
00:07:14,512 --> 00:07:16,545
All I ever did was love him.
191
00:07:16,546 --> 00:07:18,582
This rock is so round.
192
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:21,566
I'm gonna go put it in a jar.
193
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,527
And nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed, Nick.
194
00:07:23,528 --> 00:07:24,558
You think Schmidt is
195
00:07:24,559 --> 00:07:26,570
in the right,
and I am in the wrong here?
196
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,587
You realize I say good
night to you every night,
197
00:07:28,588 --> 00:07:30,595
and you never say
good night back?
198
00:07:30,596 --> 00:07:33,508
- No.
- What is the problem, Nick?
199
00:07:33,511 --> 00:07:35,541
Do you not want me
to have a good night?
200
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,571
I can't just go around
saying good night to everyone,
201
00:07:37,572 --> 00:07:39,549
and buying people cookies.
202
00:07:39,550 --> 00:07:41,553
I am not a titan
of finance, sir.
203
00:07:41,554 --> 00:07:44,528
Do you know, once a week he goes
into your room and cleans it,
204
00:07:44,529 --> 00:07:46,549
and then returns everything
the way he found it?
205
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,538
- And I'm weird in this situation?
- The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes.
206
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,571
I didn't ask for that-- I like
living in my filthy messes.
207
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:54,549
That's the point, man.
You didn't have to ask.
208
00:07:56,550 --> 00:07:59,266
Nobody buys people cookies
for no reason.
209
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:00,553
You still don't get it, do you?
210
00:08:00,554 --> 00:08:03,542
- Nobody.
- That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a...
211
00:08:03,545 --> 00:08:06,538
- What?
- Man, that was a piece of his heart.
212
00:08:06,541 --> 00:08:10,596
Now, if you don't mind,
good... night.
213
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:15,537
I'm sorry, but in my defense,
Nadia just spent an hour
214
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,537
explaining to me how to
drink vodka with my butt.
215
00:08:18,538 --> 00:08:20,536
You just embarrassed me
in front of my colleagues.
216
00:08:20,537 --> 00:08:22,596
Are you kidding me? It's not
like you work in the UN.
217
00:08:22,597 --> 00:08:24,595
You judge me for being a model.
218
00:08:24,596 --> 00:08:26,558
- Yes, I do.
- You always have.
219
00:08:26,559 --> 00:08:28,542
It's your birthday, and
you won't eat cake.
220
00:08:28,543 --> 00:08:30,561
Cece, you're better than
that; you really are.
221
00:08:30,562 --> 00:08:33,557
I just... I just feel
sorry for you sometimes.
222
00:08:33,558 --> 00:08:37,504
You feel sorry for me?
223
00:08:41,079 --> 00:08:42,541
You just hit me in the boob.
224
00:08:42,542 --> 00:08:44,992
- It was an accident.
- It was not an accident.
225
00:08:45,095 --> 00:08:46,520
Fine. It wasn't.
226
00:08:46,521 --> 00:08:48,570
Oh... my... God!
227
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,541
Ho, ho.
228
00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:51,595
What? Huh?
229
00:08:51,596 --> 00:08:53,538
- Huh?
- You want that?!
230
00:08:53,541 --> 00:08:56,512
- Go. Just go.
- Ugh! Uh!
231
00:08:56,513 --> 00:08:57,558
What you gonna do now, huh?
232
00:08:57,559 --> 00:08:59,562
- Just...
- What?
233
00:08:59,565 --> 00:09:01,542
- What? What? What?
- What?
234
00:09:01,545 --> 00:09:02,567
- What? What?
- What?
235
00:09:06,517 --> 00:09:07,566
You should go.
236
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,567
Thanks for a great birthday.
237
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:19,566
Cece?
238
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:20,583
You drink with mouth?
239
00:09:20,584 --> 00:09:22,583
Tonight, I drink with mouth.
240
00:09:26,538 --> 00:09:29,515
Well, guess who's
not getting a turtle?
241
00:09:29,516 --> 00:09:30,550
They were out of turtles.
242
00:09:30,551 --> 00:09:33,549
I bought a tiny cowboy hat
for nothing.
243
00:09:33,550 --> 00:09:36,525
- Schmidt's not talking to you right now.
- We're still on this?
244
00:09:36,528 --> 00:09:39,516
Schmidt is tired of doing things
for you that go unnoticed.
245
00:09:39,517 --> 00:09:40,586
Lining your shoes
up at the door...
246
00:09:40,587 --> 00:09:42,558
Don't line my shoes up
at the door any more.
247
00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,571
- ...Recording your favorite TV shows...
- I appreciate that.
248
00:09:44,574 --> 00:09:47,562
- ...The turn-down service.
- The turn-down service is weird
249
00:09:47,565 --> 00:09:50,533
- And I never asked you to do that.
- Well, I guess those chocolate mints
250
00:09:50,536 --> 00:09:52,542
- Just disappeared on their own.
- Oh, I thought we weren't talking.
251
00:09:52,545 --> 00:09:54,558
- We're not.
- Then why do I hear words
252
00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:55,586
Coming out
that stupid hole in your face?
253
00:09:55,587 --> 00:09:58,096
I'm a human being,
and I'm entitled to my emotions.
254
00:09:58,597 --> 00:09:59,970
Are you crying?
255
00:09:59,971 --> 00:10:01,549
No.
256
00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:03,531
Are you seriously crying,
Schmidt?
257
00:10:03,532 --> 00:10:04,546
I'm not crying.
258
00:10:11,542 --> 00:10:12,596
Rough night, you guys.
259
00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:14,520
I forgot
to take out my contacts.
260
00:10:14,521 --> 00:10:15,592
I think they're fused
to my eyeballs.
261
00:10:18,542 --> 00:10:19,562
What's going on?
262
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,498
Did you guys
watch porn together again?
263
00:10:23,499 --> 00:10:24,515
Why do you keep doing that?
264
00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:25,525
It's always awkward.
265
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,541
Oh, wow.
266
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:32,574
What the hell was that?
267
00:10:32,575 --> 00:10:34,532
In March,
I will have been living
268
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,520
with Schmidt for ten years.
269
00:10:36,521 --> 00:10:37,537
I know that
270
00:10:37,538 --> 00:10:38,596
because he sent me
an e-mail asking
271
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,553
how I want to celebrate
our "tin anniversary."
272
00:10:41,554 --> 00:10:43,537
How did you guys become friends?
273
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:44,536
Was it an accident?
274
00:10:44,537 --> 00:10:45,577
Did you hit him with your car
275
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,552
and you became
his reluctant caretaker?
276
00:10:47,553 --> 00:10:48,588
He lived in my freshman dorm.
277
00:10:48,589 --> 00:10:51,549
And one day, he was just there.
278
00:10:53,538 --> 00:10:55,531
Hey, hey, whoa, man,
what are you doing in here?
279
00:10:55,532 --> 00:10:56,533
That's my ramen.
280
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:58,528
It's better this way.
281
00:10:58,529 --> 00:11:00,508
Y-You add water to it,
you weirdo.
282
00:11:00,509 --> 00:11:03,516
It's not a dry treat,
it's a soup.
283
00:11:03,517 --> 00:11:04,567
- Who are you?
- Schmidt.
284
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:06,537
You freak me out, man.
285
00:11:08,504 --> 00:11:10,520
This is cool.
We got a good vibe going, man.
286
00:11:10,521 --> 00:11:11,554
You're a super weird guy.
287
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,570
Hey, sit there
while I throw things at you.
288
00:11:17,571 --> 00:11:18,596
- Body slam!
- No!
289
00:11:18,599 --> 00:11:20,520
Don't do this! No!
290
00:11:20,521 --> 00:11:22,541
And then he was always there.
291
00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:25,516
And the truth is, is,
292
00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:28,553
Schmidt loves me so much,
293
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:31,499
and to be honest,
Jess, it scares me.
294
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:32,531
I mean, I don't think I deserve
295
00:11:32,532 --> 00:11:33,533
all of Schmidt's love.
296
00:11:33,534 --> 00:11:35,507
All I do is tease him.
297
00:11:35,508 --> 00:11:36,544
I mean, of course you do.
298
00:11:36,545 --> 00:11:38,508
That's all you can do.
299
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:40,511
Do you think I'm a bad friend?
300
00:11:40,512 --> 00:11:42,574
No, no, I'm a bad friend.
301
00:11:42,575 --> 00:11:44,587
I got mad at Cece
for being a model.
302
00:11:44,588 --> 00:11:46,507
It's a dumb thing to be.
303
00:11:46,508 --> 00:11:48,499
We got in a boob fight.
304
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,592
- Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill.
- I'm just gonna say this--
305
00:11:50,595 --> 00:11:52,537
I find that arousing,
and let's move on.
306
00:11:52,538 --> 00:11:54,590
Just, she's smart, you know,
and she's interesting
307
00:11:54,591 --> 00:11:56,569
and she could be doing
anything else with her life
308
00:11:56,570 --> 00:11:57,596
or at least trying.
309
00:11:57,597 --> 00:11:59,528
You know, the weird thing is,
310
00:11:59,529 --> 00:12:01,095
I was actually there
when she got discovered.
311
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,499
You, take your glasses off.
312
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,500
Okay.
313
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,921
I can take my glasses off.
314
00:12:14,054 --> 00:12:16,024
I guess I was
always disappointed
315
00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:18,032
with her for calling that lady.
316
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:20,041
It's just, when I
hear all the stuff
317
00:12:20,042 --> 00:12:21,071
about Cece's profession--
318
00:12:21,072 --> 00:12:24,070
like, the dieting--
it's crazy--
319
00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:26,011
and the butt
drinking and the...
320
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,011
Did you say "butt drinking"?
321
00:12:28,012 --> 00:12:29,062
- Yeah.
- You can't say "butt drinking"
322
00:12:29,063 --> 00:12:30,092
- And then not explain what it is.
- Yeah.
323
00:12:30,093 --> 00:12:32,054
It has two
of my four favorite things.
324
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:34,437
I just feel like we have
nothing in common, you know?
325
00:12:34,438 --> 00:12:35,033
Yeah.
326
00:12:35,034 --> 00:12:36,096
Do you ever wonder
why we're friends
327
00:12:36,097 --> 00:12:38,049
with these people, Jess?
328
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:41,003
And, worse, if we met them now,
329
00:12:41,004 --> 00:12:42,054
you think we'd still be
friends with them?
330
00:12:42,055 --> 00:12:44,054
Maybe not.
331
00:12:46,004 --> 00:12:48,095
I should go talk to her.
332
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:54,011
Well, Nick, I'm out of tears--
plumb out.
333
00:12:54,012 --> 00:12:58,007
All that's left
is just yellowish goo.
334
00:12:58,008 --> 00:13:01,028
That's right, Nick-- goo.
335
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,045
That's a third of my life.
336
00:13:05,046 --> 00:13:06,096
Cece.
337
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:09,041
Oh, hey, Nadia, sorry.
338
00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:11,042
This Wilmer Valderrama.
339
00:13:14,075 --> 00:13:16,053
Um, Nadia, that's not--
340
00:13:16,054 --> 00:13:21,024
I mean-- or what I thought
he would look like
341
00:13:21,025 --> 00:13:23,020
in person.
342
00:13:23,021 --> 00:13:24,021
Nice to meet you.
343
00:13:24,024 --> 00:13:25,024
Big fan.
344
00:13:25,025 --> 00:13:26,019
Where's Cece?
345
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:27,054
Cece drink too much.
346
00:13:27,055 --> 00:13:29,007
She puke, puke, puke.
347
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:30,007
She puke,
348
00:13:30,008 --> 00:13:32,016
cry, puke, cry.
349
00:13:32,017 --> 00:13:33,037
She's so weak.
350
00:13:33,038 --> 00:13:36,028
You put on pajama,
Wilmer Valderrama,
351
00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:38,020
top only.
352
00:13:38,021 --> 00:13:40,032
Then, you make me salad, bitch.
353
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:43,032
Let's, let's get
you into bed, okay?
354
00:13:43,033 --> 00:13:45,057
I don't think we're doing
any modeling today.
355
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:48,011
No, I have to go,
Jess, I have to go.
356
00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:50,070
It's my job, all right?
357
00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:51,096
You know what, Cece?
358
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:54,011
I'm so sorry about last night.
359
00:13:54,012 --> 00:13:57,054
I know that you're...
360
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,003
I know you're an
intelligent person,
361
00:14:01,004 --> 00:14:02,079
and sometimes I just...
362
00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:07,092
I just get mixed up, you know,
363
00:14:07,095 --> 00:14:10,025
And I think that you're like me.
364
00:14:10,028 --> 00:14:12,066
Don't, don't worry, I'm here.
365
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,006
Just tell me where to stand
and what we're selling.
366
00:14:14,007 --> 00:14:15,050
I'm gonna give it
everything I got.
367
00:14:18,021 --> 00:14:19,054
I'm calling your agency.
368
00:14:19,055 --> 00:14:21,016
This is totally unprofessional.
369
00:14:21,017 --> 00:14:22,010
Don't call my agency.
370
00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:23,060
Just tell me where to stand.
371
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,079
Up on the spinning platform.
372
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,079
- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Okay.
373
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,079
- Please, no, seriously don't. I can't lose this job.
- No.
374
00:14:29,082 --> 00:14:31,020
Don't call the agency, okay?
375
00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:33,021
- I'll do it.
- What?
376
00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:36,053
I'm actually a model, too,
mostly in Japan.
377
00:14:36,054 --> 00:14:41,016
Um, they call me
Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl.
378
00:14:41,017 --> 00:14:43,024
I know you're lying
and I just don't care.
379
00:14:43,025 --> 00:14:45,032
Get over to hair
and makeup now.
380
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,008
Cool.
381
00:15:00,839 --> 00:15:02,003
These things are heavy.
382
00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:03,999
It's like chain mail on my eyes.
383
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,079
So, your job is to highlight
the features of the car
384
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,062
- Gary describes.
- We need you to be fun and sexy and American.
385
00:15:07,063 --> 00:15:08,065
Then he's gonna move
to the EcoBoost engine
386
00:15:08,066 --> 00:15:09,086
and the new interior styling.
387
00:15:09,087 --> 00:15:11,021
For the EcoBoost engine,
give me something
388
00:15:11,022 --> 00:15:13,000
- mischievous.
- Mischievous.
389
00:15:13,003 --> 00:15:15,000
- Mischievous.
- Show me mischievous.
390
00:15:16,008 --> 00:15:17,025
Okay, and at the end, just say,
391
00:15:17,026 --> 00:15:18,999
"Ford. Go further."
392
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,003
Do I have to wear those?
393
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,062
Hey, everybody,
my name's Gary, and I want
394
00:15:22,063 --> 00:15:27,020
to introduce you to the all-new
2013 Ford Fusion.
395
00:15:27,021 --> 00:15:30,028
Say hello to my good friend
Jessica.
396
00:15:35,046 --> 00:15:38,024
The all-new Fusion
has been totally redesigned
397
00:15:38,025 --> 00:15:40,074
inside and out.
398
00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:43,028
All-new styling,
18-inch aluminum wheels,
399
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:46,020
three-year,
bumper-to-bumper warranty,
400
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:47,050
five-year power train,
401
00:15:47,051 --> 00:15:49,011
available Active Park,
402
00:15:49,012 --> 00:15:51,037
available lane-keeping system,
403
00:15:51,038 --> 00:15:54,070
standard voice-activated SYNC.
404
00:15:54,071 --> 00:15:56,078
Your co-workers will be jealous.
405
00:15:56,079 --> 00:16:00,011
From power plants
that enhance efficiency
406
00:16:00,012 --> 00:16:02,016
the high-voltage
lithium-ion battery pack
407
00:16:02,017 --> 00:16:05,078
provides enough power to operate
in all-electric mode
408
00:16:05,079 --> 00:16:08,087
for short commutes-- very smart.
409
00:16:08,088 --> 00:16:12,045
The Ford Fusion is designed
to be environmentally conscious.
410
00:16:12,046 --> 00:16:15,007
Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion
Energi are each powered
411
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:18,041
by a combination
high-voltage electric motor
412
00:16:18,042 --> 00:16:22,041
that utilizes...
recycled material.
413
00:16:27,021 --> 00:16:30,037
The Fusion is available
with an EcoBoost engine...
414
00:16:30,038 --> 00:16:32,049
a hybrid,
415
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:35,041
and a plug-in hybrid.
416
00:16:35,042 --> 00:16:39,016
The SE Hybrid is available
with eco-friendly cloth seating.
417
00:16:39,017 --> 00:16:43,020
No matter what color your
seats-- ha!-- they'll be green.
418
00:16:43,021 --> 00:16:46,020
Smoother rides,
more fuel efficiency...
419
00:16:46,021 --> 00:16:47,999
Gary...
420
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,088
The hybrid gets
47 miles to the gallon,
421
00:16:49,089 --> 00:16:52,008
- so you're gonna be filling up your tank less.
- Gary... Gary...!
422
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,029
- When you do...
- I can't get out.
423
00:16:53,030 --> 00:16:55,021
Hey, man,
it's your old pal Jessica.
424
00:16:55,022 --> 00:16:57,091
And it's not that
difficult to get out.
425
00:16:57,092 --> 00:16:59,999
There's also the available
auto start-stop
426
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,033
That...
427
00:17:01,036 --> 00:17:04,004
- Use the handle.
- What's happening?
428
00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:06,021
Further, go further.
429
00:17:11,004 --> 00:17:12,004
Hey.
430
00:17:14,025 --> 00:17:15,096
Uh, Schmidt, I got you
something, man.
431
00:17:24,062 --> 00:17:27,003
Uh, they didn't have a
Jewish star at the store,
432
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,003
so I got you a regular cookie
433
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,050
and I made the star myself
by breaking off the pieces.
434
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:34,020
It's meant to celebrate
your Jewish heritage.
435
00:17:34,021 --> 00:17:35,074
What is this?
436
00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:36,096
A Jewish star--
I just said that.
437
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,067
- Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
- This...
438
00:17:38,070 --> 00:17:42,016
Is so terrible!
439
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:45,049
You gave me a cookie,
I gave you a cookie.
440
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:47,092
You gave me a cookie,
gave you cookie.
441
00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:51,087
Gave me cookie, got you cookie!
442
00:17:51,088 --> 00:17:54,091
You gave me
cookie, I got you cookie, man!
443
00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:56,049
Gave me cookie, got you cookie!
444
00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:58,083
We're even!
We're even, Schmidt!
445
00:17:59,088 --> 00:18:01,070
I mean, what do
you want from me?
446
00:18:01,071 --> 00:18:03,061
What do you want, Schmidt?
447
00:18:03,062 --> 00:18:06,020
I've been racking
my brain all day.
448
00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:08,091
I walked around the
grocery store, man,
449
00:18:08,092 --> 00:18:10,999
for 45 minutes.
450
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,077
I didn't know what to get you.
451
00:18:12,078 --> 00:18:14,092
And then I was thinking I
was gonna get you ramen
452
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:17,011
like we used to eat, but
you probably eat, like,
453
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,028
fancy ramen now with,
like, figs in it.
454
00:18:19,029 --> 00:18:21,000
I don't know, man.
455
00:18:22,062 --> 00:18:25,007
You love me too much, Schmidt,
456
00:18:25,008 --> 00:18:27,000
and you picked the wrong guy.
457
00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,071
And when are you gonna get that
458
00:18:29,072 --> 00:18:31,096
through that giant
head of yours?
459
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:36,092
I'm just gonna
let you down, man.
460
00:18:40,088 --> 00:18:42,028
Are you crying?
461
00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:44,028
I'm not crying, man.
462
00:18:44,029 --> 00:18:46,011
Yeah, you are crying.
463
00:18:46,012 --> 00:18:47,028
Oh, my God.
464
00:18:47,029 --> 00:18:48,096
I'm not crying, guys.
Just drop it.
465
00:18:48,097 --> 00:18:50,096
I just felt like I
did something nice.
466
00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:52,003
Yes, you are, and that's okay.
467
00:18:52,004 --> 00:18:53,086
Don't say that, man,
'cause that...
468
00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:55,073
You know what I mean? Like...
469
00:18:55,074 --> 00:18:56,075
Just let it rain, man.
470
00:18:56,076 --> 00:18:58,007
I got you the cookie, Schmidt.
471
00:18:58,008 --> 00:18:59,092
It's the best I can do, man.
472
00:19:01,093 --> 00:19:02,588
What about the turtle?
473
00:19:04,592 --> 00:19:07,037
You're the only turtle I want.
474
00:19:07,738 --> 00:19:09,432
You're the turtle, man.
475
00:19:09,433 --> 00:19:11,011
I knew I was the turtle.
476
00:19:12,012 --> 00:19:15,011
Yeah, man, you're the turtle.
477
00:19:15,012 --> 00:19:16,042
I knew I was the turtle.
478
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,032
You guys are the best, man.
I love you guys.
479
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:23,041
I'm sorry, sorry, man.
480
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,032
Hey, yeah.
481
00:19:32,092 --> 00:19:33,542
- I'm going to, uh...
- Yeah, I've got...
482
00:19:33,543 --> 00:19:35,077
I'm gonna eat my sandwich.
483
00:19:35,078 --> 00:19:36,088
This is a good sandwich.
484
00:19:36,089 --> 00:19:39,054
- See you guys.
- This needed to happen.
485
00:19:39,057 --> 00:19:42,003
Wow, they gave you
the, the huge lashes.
486
00:19:42,004 --> 00:19:43,006
Like, those are the magnums.
487
00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:44,090
Yeah, I actually like 'em.
488
00:19:44,091 --> 00:19:46,048
I think I'm just
gonna keep 'em on.
489
00:19:46,049 --> 00:19:47,062
You're afraid
to take the glue off.
490
00:19:47,063 --> 00:19:50,007
Yeah, I'm terrified.
491
00:19:50,008 --> 00:19:52,028
I'm really sorry about
what I said last night
492
00:19:52,029 --> 00:19:55,087
'cause... this is hard.
493
00:19:55,088 --> 00:19:57,070
It is just pointing at stuff,
494
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,049
but it is-- it's hard.
495
00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:00,092
Why is it so hard?
496
00:20:00,093 --> 00:20:02,095
You make it look a lot harder.
497
00:20:02,096 --> 00:20:04,095
No, you're brave.
498
00:20:04,096 --> 00:20:06,038
You've always been
braver than me.
499
00:20:13,092 --> 00:20:16,053
Okay, what did you do
to me last night?
500
00:20:16,054 --> 00:20:19,049
I mean, can you sprain
someone's chest?
501
00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:21,049
You should see the other guys.
502
00:20:24,025 --> 00:20:26,004
Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?
503
00:20:26,005 --> 00:20:28,003
I'm so full.
504
00:20:28,004 --> 00:20:29,069
This really is
your best cake ever.
505
00:20:29,070 --> 00:20:30,588
- Do you think so?
- Mm-hmm.
506
00:20:30,589 --> 00:20:31,588
We all think so.
507
00:20:31,589 --> 00:20:33,578
Hey, that's gross.
508
00:20:33,579 --> 00:20:35,542
- Get a fork, man.
- I got two
509
00:20:35,543 --> 00:20:37,529
Perfectly good forks
at the end of my arms.
510
00:20:37,530 --> 00:20:39,499
Hey, man, you do what you do.
511
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,588
- Be you, man.
- I'd eat out of your hands, Nick.
512
00:20:40,589 --> 00:20:41,588
- Cake on your face.
- Petting zoo style.
513
00:20:41,591 --> 00:20:43,592
- Yeah, yeah.
- Cake all day.
514
00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:45,503
Talkin' about cake!
515
00:20:45,504 --> 00:20:46,512
- Frickin' cake dudes.
- Look at you.
516
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:47,579
- Look at you. Frosting face.
- Hey.
517
00:20:47,582 --> 00:20:49,583
- Want cake on your face?
- I don't really care.
518
00:20:49,586 --> 00:20:53,541
Do you think, if we met today,
we would still be friends?
519
00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:56,529
- I could watch you eat cake all day.
- Couple of guys eating cake.
520
00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:57,575
I'm gonna have to do
so much cardio tomorrow.
521
00:20:57,576 --> 00:21:00,582
I don't know,
but we're friends now.
522
00:21:02,558 --> 00:21:04,570
Happy birthday, Cece.
523
00:21:04,571 --> 00:21:06,574
Oh, man!
That's messy.
524
00:21:06,575 --> 00:21:08,575
- You like rap music?
- Yeah, sure do.
525
00:21:08,578 --> 00:21:11,529
- Who's your favorite rapper?
- Brian Austin Green.
526
00:21:11,532 --> 00:21:13,575
- He's cool.
- He's awesome.
527
00:21:13,578 --> 00:21:15,587
Go like this.
528
00:21:17,575 --> 00:21:20,532
Try to catch the Pop-Tart,
you big boy.
529
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:21,596
Good, I love Pop-Tarts.
530
00:21:21,597 --> 00:21:23,554
Oh!
531
00:21:23,555 --> 00:21:24,567
Now close your eyes.
532
00:21:26,558 --> 00:21:28,504
- Did you get me?
- Yeah.
533
00:21:28,507 --> 00:21:29,571
- Good job.
- Ready?
534
00:21:32,562 --> 00:21:33,579
- Ready?
- Yeah.
535
00:21:34,082 --> 00:21:36,579
Aah, we did it!
536
00:21:36,682 --> 00:21:41,579
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com