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00:00:04,094 --> 00:00:06,992
Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves
with pancakes. Daddy's coming in
2
00:00:07,054 --> 00:00:09,264
at a nine, and we're seconds
away from being at a ten.
3
00:00:09,334 --> 00:00:11,599
I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads,
4
00:00:11,668 --> 00:00:13,235
the most prestigious preschool
5
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:15,203
in all of Jerry Brown's California!
6
00:00:15,263 --> 00:00:18,122
- Ugh! Lillypads?
- I found out there was an opening.
7
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:22,021
Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son
just disappeared like that.
8
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,722
We're all praying
for his safe return, of course,
9
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:27,159
- just not until enrollment closes.
- Oh, my God.
10
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,994
Wait. Didn't you guys already
look at a preschool?
11
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:30,329
You mean Triangles?
12
00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:34,533
Okay.
13
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,002
- Ew.
- Chicken.
14
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,670
- Hmm?
- I made eye contact with the chicken.
15
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,914
He knows that I had eggs for breakfast.
16
00:00:39,985 --> 00:00:41,718
Take her. Take the pretty one.
17
00:00:41,765 --> 00:00:43,006
I don't think that a chicken
18
00:00:43,031 --> 00:00:44,006
- cares that you had eggs.
- No!
19
00:00:44,031 --> 00:00:45,695
I mean, I kind of liked Triangles.
20
00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:47,487
Besides, are we really Lillypads people?
21
00:00:47,574 --> 00:00:49,775
- Yes.
- I hope not. That kind of competitive,
22
00:00:49,844 --> 00:00:52,277
overpriced private school, B dash, dash,
23
00:00:52,346 --> 00:00:55,515
dash, dash, dash, dash, dash... T
24
00:00:55,609 --> 00:00:58,483
is the reason why I got out
of teaching in the first place.
25
00:00:58,552 --> 00:00:59,751
What did happen at Banyon Canyon?
26
00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:01,019
Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon?
27
00:01:01,087 --> 00:01:02,242
You know I can't discuss that until
28
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,122
one of four civil lawsuits is settled.
29
00:01:04,191 --> 00:01:06,625
- I know, but what...
- No further questions. You guys,
30
00:01:06,693 --> 00:01:09,161
this is crazy. Look at this
beautiful, impressionable child.
31
00:01:09,229 --> 00:01:11,495
Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future.
32
00:01:11,564 --> 00:01:14,298
If she gets into Lillypads,
she gets into Willows.
33
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,700
If she gets into Willows,
she gets into Harvard.
34
00:01:15,769 --> 00:01:17,168
And if she gets into Harvard,
35
00:01:17,236 --> 00:01:19,322
- it's a bullet train to the Oval Office.
- Hmm.
36
00:01:19,369 --> 00:01:21,305
Don't you want Ruth to be the president?
37
00:01:21,374 --> 00:01:23,507
Of course I do,
but you can do it without going
38
00:01:23,576 --> 00:01:25,543
to some pressure cooker
that turns her into a robot.
39
00:01:25,611 --> 00:01:27,979
Meep, meep,
alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.
40
00:01:28,049 --> 00:01:30,242
Have you not seen Star Wars?
Robots are helpful and
41
00:01:30,296 --> 00:01:32,093
- often delightful.
- Please don't start this again.
42
00:01:32,156 --> 00:01:34,195
You two have been arguing
about how Ruth should be raised
43
00:01:34,243 --> 00:01:35,309
since the day she was born.
44
00:01:35,359 --> 00:01:36,411
I'm sorry, I have to.
45
00:01:36,489 --> 00:01:37,988
Okay, if it was up to her,
Ruth would have been born
46
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,899
in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y.
47
00:01:39,945 --> 00:01:41,867
I'm not letting your
hippie-dippie mishegas
48
00:01:41,899 --> 00:01:43,344
ruin Ruth's future.
49
00:01:43,406 --> 00:01:45,996
This child is a genius.
50
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:47,602
Yay!
51
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,666
- Oh!
- Whoa.
52
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,234
She does this all the time.
Just give her a minute.
53
00:01:51,303 --> 00:01:52,432
- She'll come to.
- Yeah.
54
00:01:52,457 --> 00:01:54,537
- I'm okay!
There she is.
55
00:01:54,606 --> 00:01:56,439
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, all right.
56
00:01:56,508 --> 00:01:59,761
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:00,345 --> 00:02:02,405
Ruth! I turn my back
58
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,729
for two seconds and you turn
yourself into a cat toy.
59
00:02:04,782 --> 00:02:06,082
Hey, Jess.
60
00:02:06,150 --> 00:02:08,017
- Hi.
- I'm off to the bar to write.
61
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,752
This is the first day
working on my new idea
62
00:02:09,821 --> 00:02:11,688
and I have a perfect plan to make pages.
63
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,256
- Okay.
- All right, I'll see you.
64
00:02:13,325 --> 00:02:15,525
Good-bye, Mr. Diarrhea-head.
65
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,526
Hey, do you have my money, Ruth?
66
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:18,728
Then we have nothing to talk about.
67
00:02:18,796 --> 00:02:21,463
Aunt Jess, I have to pee.
68
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:23,365
What? Oh, no. We have to untangle you.
69
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,934
Oh. We're not, we're not gonna make it.
70
00:02:25,002 --> 00:02:26,235
I'll figure it out.
71
00:02:26,303 --> 00:02:28,204
Wait, wait, what does that mean?
72
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:30,372
- Hey.
- Hey, why is my baby wrapped up in...
73
00:02:30,441 --> 00:02:31,440
never mind, she'll figure it out.
74
00:02:31,508 --> 00:02:32,874
We just came back
75
00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:36,211
from Lillypads and we need your help.
76
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,512
We were picking up our paperwork
77
00:02:37,581 --> 00:02:40,282
when we ran into that
supervillain/wax figure/
78
00:02:40,351 --> 00:02:43,285
former best friend of mine, Benjamin.
79
00:02:43,354 --> 00:02:45,419
Have you gotten your kid
ready for this interview yet?
80
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,056
We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby.
81
00:02:48,132 --> 00:02:50,398
Christmas, New Year's Eve,
Fourth of July,
82
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,127
we own this man's ass.
83
00:02:52,195 --> 00:02:54,229
W-What are they getting tested on?
84
00:02:54,297 --> 00:02:56,898
Draw a face. Cut a circle.
Know colors. Make eye contact.
85
00:02:56,967 --> 00:02:57,957
I'm sorry, hold on.
86
00:02:58,019 --> 00:02:59,734
I'm sorry, at three?
87
00:02:59,803 --> 00:03:01,770
How could a child...
88
00:03:01,838 --> 00:03:03,571
Is that your boy over there
playing the piccolo?
89
00:03:04,841 --> 00:03:07,708
Oh, yeah. That's my seed, all right.
90
00:03:07,777 --> 00:03:10,778
I had to lay down.
At which point, Benjamin's child
91
00:03:10,846 --> 00:03:12,513
started giving me shiatsu.
92
00:03:12,582 --> 00:03:13,648
- Oh.
- Which is apparently
93
00:03:13,716 --> 00:03:15,416
another thing he knows how to do.
94
00:03:15,485 --> 00:03:18,286
- Ew. Preschool tutors?
- SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess,
95
00:03:18,354 --> 00:03:19,820
Ruth is never going to make it
through this interview
96
00:03:19,889 --> 00:03:22,230
without a professional tutor.
And if we look past the whole
97
00:03:22,325 --> 00:03:25,566
Banyon Canyon debacle, that's you.
98
00:03:25,627 --> 00:03:27,761
Eh, I got out of that game years ago.
99
00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:29,096
Look, I know it sounds crazy,
100
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:31,098
but Lillypads was really magical.
101
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:34,501
The kids wear uniforms and,
you know, not to sound weird,
102
00:03:34,569 --> 00:03:37,104
- but they look hot.
- That sounds weird.
103
00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:38,772
- They did.
- I hear you, I hear you.
104
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,640
They looked super hot.
Anyway, I have to run to work,
105
00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:42,475
so is there any chance
that you could, you know,
106
00:03:42,544 --> 00:03:44,778
teach her how to draw a face,
cut a circle,
107
00:03:44,846 --> 00:03:46,613
carry out a conversation...
108
00:03:46,682 --> 00:03:47,951
Okay, fine. I'll do it, for Ruth.
109
00:03:48,016 --> 00:03:49,802
- Yes.
- Under one condition.
110
00:03:49,912 --> 00:03:52,352
- Sure.
- You do it on my terms.
111
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:53,785
What?
112
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,445
I'm gonna have to go
on a craft run, aren't I?
113
00:03:55,523 --> 00:03:57,290
I'm gonna need pipe cleaners,
glitter, glue,
114
00:03:57,358 --> 00:03:58,958
finger paints and six different
types of macaroni.
115
00:03:59,027 --> 00:04:00,526
And that's just 'cause I'm hungry.
116
00:04:00,594 --> 00:04:03,129
Honest to God, you don't
already have all of that
117
00:04:03,198 --> 00:04:05,798
in this room already?
118
00:04:05,867 --> 00:04:08,267
I mean...
119
00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:14,606
Martini time.
120
00:04:14,675 --> 00:04:17,309
I like martinis.
121
00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:22,815
You know, I would be back to writing
122
00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:25,684
because I'm kind of
in a nice flow, but, say,
123
00:04:25,753 --> 00:04:28,153
do you mind telling me
that really interesting story
124
00:04:28,222 --> 00:04:30,989
you just told me about when
you bought those shorts?
125
00:04:31,058 --> 00:04:32,557
I bought 'em.
126
00:04:32,625 --> 00:04:35,160
A-And from the start of it,
127
00:04:35,229 --> 00:04:36,661
when you realized you needed new shorts?
128
00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:38,009
What was going on there?
129
00:04:38,086 --> 00:04:39,872
You just looked around your
house and there weren't shorts?
130
00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:41,499
Not the fingers, man, I'm a writer.
131
00:04:41,568 --> 00:04:43,034
What are you doing here,
coming up on me like a maniac?
132
00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:44,302
Um, it's me, Winston.
133
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:45,670
Sorry, man, I'm just
really edgy right now.
134
00:04:45,739 --> 00:04:47,171
- All right, man.
- Working on this thing
135
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,206
- about Chicago, actually.
- Ooh.
136
00:04:49,275 --> 00:04:51,175
So you know it's gonna be raw.
You know it's gonna be personal.
137
00:04:51,244 --> 00:04:53,043
- Oh, yeah.
- Also, it doesn't exist.
138
00:04:53,112 --> 00:04:55,179
And if I don't have 20 pages
by 3:00 today,
139
00:04:55,248 --> 00:04:57,214
- I'm gonna get punched in the face.
- Who, your editor?
140
00:04:57,283 --> 00:04:58,850
No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist.
141
00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:01,551
Wait, so you hired a man
to punch you in the face
142
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:03,187
if you don't write 20 pages?
143
00:05:03,256 --> 00:05:05,189
Yeah. I have no idea
what he looks like, either.
144
00:05:05,258 --> 00:05:06,357
You know, I would have punched
you in the face for free.
145
00:05:06,425 --> 00:05:07,591
- Well, I got somebody.
- Okay.
146
00:05:07,659 --> 00:05:09,093
Well, anyway, I have a real problem,
147
00:05:09,161 --> 00:05:10,527
one that I didn't bring on myself.
148
00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:12,609
- I'm just really slammed.
- So, I'm a detective now
149
00:05:12,671 --> 00:05:14,398
and I have to testify in these trials.
150
00:05:14,466 --> 00:05:17,901
But you know I get rattled on the stand.
151
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,604
Can you repeat the question?
152
00:05:20,672 --> 00:05:23,473
I asked you if you'd like me
to repeat the question.
153
00:05:27,279 --> 00:05:29,012
Can you repeat the question?
154
00:05:33,952 --> 00:05:35,785
Can you have her repeat the question?
155
00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:38,821
- Let's dig in.
- Thank you.
156
00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:40,556
When I was at law school, I-I learned
157
00:05:40,625 --> 00:05:42,458
that if somebody falls apart
on the stand,
158
00:05:42,527 --> 00:05:44,227
it's mostly because
they're hiding something.
159
00:05:44,296 --> 00:05:46,934
So, I guess my question
to you, Detective, is:
160
00:05:47,012 --> 00:05:49,232
- what are you hiding?
- Nothing.
161
00:05:49,301 --> 00:05:51,400
- Nothing?
- I have nothing to hide.
162
00:05:51,469 --> 00:05:53,602
Well, maybe not on this case,
but perhaps you're hiding
163
00:05:53,671 --> 00:05:57,105
something from... your past?
164
00:05:57,174 --> 00:05:58,707
Objection. Form of a question.
165
00:05:58,776 --> 00:06:01,410
Withdrawn. Isn't it true, Detective,
166
00:06:01,479 --> 00:06:02,945
that this could be the result
of a guilty conscience?
167
00:06:03,013 --> 00:06:04,580
I have nothing to be guilty about.
168
00:06:04,649 --> 00:06:07,782
Ladies and gentlemen,
are we buying this?
169
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:10,285
'Cause I'm not.
170
00:06:10,354 --> 00:06:13,094
My question is about the night
of January 12.
171
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,457
- Wait, what? No, no, no. No, no.
- 2001.
172
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,692
Nick, that is a cold case and
I won't discuss it any further.
173
00:06:17,761 --> 00:06:19,227
Well, looks like
we're discussing it now.
174
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:21,096
I was not masturbating!
175
00:06:22,532 --> 00:06:23,898
Easy, Winston.
176
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,667
You just screamed "masturbating."
177
00:06:25,735 --> 00:06:27,602
- What are you doing, man?
- Sorry.
178
00:06:27,671 --> 00:06:31,473
Okay.
179
00:06:31,541 --> 00:06:32,907
Jess, we have four hours.
180
00:06:34,578 --> 00:06:36,511
What are they doing?
181
00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:37,946
What are they doing?
182
00:06:38,014 --> 00:06:39,113
What are they doing?
What are they doing?
183
00:06:39,182 --> 00:06:40,114
What are they doing?
What are they doing?
184
00:06:40,183 --> 00:06:41,615
What are, what are they doing?!
185
00:06:41,684 --> 00:06:42,783
We're practicing our breathing.
186
00:06:42,852 --> 00:06:44,285
Oh. Oh, okay, oh,
187
00:06:44,354 --> 00:06:45,652
well, good, wonderful.
188
00:06:45,721 --> 00:06:47,121
So, you're teaching Ruth
how to do the one thing
189
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:48,789
she's known how to do since birth.
190
00:06:48,858 --> 00:06:50,458
Do you want to get one
of your other teacher friends
191
00:06:50,526 --> 00:06:51,692
to prep your child for free?
192
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,060
I didn't think so.
193
00:06:53,129 --> 00:06:54,628
So shut your souphole.
194
00:06:54,697 --> 00:06:56,797
Oh, look, it's Happy Sock.
195
00:06:56,866 --> 00:06:59,432
- Hi, Happy Sock.
- Hi.
196
00:07:00,569 --> 00:07:01,935
See, Schmidt?
197
00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:03,670
We're not cutting circles;
we're being circles.
198
00:07:03,739 --> 00:07:04,872
Right. Of course.
199
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,473
Ruth can't hold a scissor,
but now she can
200
00:07:06,542 --> 00:07:09,242
twirl around like a goon
at a Phish show.
201
00:07:09,311 --> 00:07:11,879
Okay, well, now you're just napping.
202
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:15,181
We're not napping, we're going
on a brain exploration.
203
00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:16,549
I take that back, actually.
204
00:07:16,618 --> 00:07:17,817
Ruth is napping.
205
00:07:17,886 --> 00:07:19,652
Okay, well, that's enough, Jess.
206
00:07:19,721 --> 00:07:21,654
You're sending Ruth straight
to Triangles. You hear that?
207
00:07:21,723 --> 00:07:24,090
That's the schoolyard chickens.
208
00:07:24,159 --> 00:07:26,826
And they're...
and they're pecking at Ruth.
209
00:07:26,895 --> 00:07:27,827
And this time, they want her eyes.
210
00:07:27,896 --> 00:07:30,362
I need my eyes for TV.
211
00:07:30,431 --> 00:07:31,998
Oh, honey, don't you worry
about a thing, okay?
212
00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:33,499
Daddy's gonna take over now.
213
00:07:33,568 --> 00:07:36,502
But the clock is a-ticking,
so let's start with a drill.
214
00:07:36,571 --> 00:07:39,739
- No. No drills.
- DRILL is an acronym.
215
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,507
Do it. R: Redo it.
216
00:07:41,576 --> 00:07:42,842
Imitate what you just did.
217
00:07:42,911 --> 00:07:44,343
Learn to keep doing it.
218
00:07:44,412 --> 00:07:46,178
Live the rest of your life doing it.
219
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:47,513
DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.
220
00:07:47,581 --> 00:07:49,014
Technically, that's an acrostic.
221
00:07:49,083 --> 00:07:50,849
Sweet burn, Jess.
222
00:07:50,918 --> 00:07:53,876
Yeah. You got me. DRILL.
223
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:56,610
And again.
224
00:07:56,635 --> 00:07:59,423
Red, yellow, orange, green.
225
00:07:59,476 --> 00:08:04,202
And that is how
you earn a dollar in America.
226
00:08:04,236 --> 00:08:06,916
She's not your child,
she's not your child...
227
00:08:06,979 --> 00:08:09,105
Okay, Ruth, we're gonna do the
colors one more time, and then,
228
00:08:09,173 --> 00:08:10,807
we're gonna move on to a section
that I like to call
229
00:08:10,876 --> 00:08:12,510
"Get the numbers right,
and Daddy will give you
230
00:08:12,565 --> 00:08:13,510
a stuffed animal."
231
00:08:13,578 --> 00:08:15,177
Here we go.
232
00:08:15,246 --> 00:08:19,115
Red, yellow, orange, Denise.
233
00:08:19,183 --> 00:08:20,517
- Yes.
- I'm sorry. Uh...
234
00:08:20,585 --> 00:08:22,184
Did you just call green "Denise"?
235
00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:25,187
Yes. The color's name is Denise.
236
00:08:25,256 --> 00:08:27,156
Well, I hope you're happy.
The interview is in an hour,
237
00:08:27,225 --> 00:08:28,824
and now green is Denise.
238
00:08:28,893 --> 00:08:31,027
Green is whatever she wants it to be.
239
00:08:31,095 --> 00:08:32,694
Green is whatever I want it to be.
240
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:34,163
- Huh.
- Green could be Denise
241
00:08:34,232 --> 00:08:36,265
or Juanita or Jerry.
242
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:38,034
I just realized...
243
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:40,702
- ...green is Jerry, for me.
- Green is not Jerry for me.
244
00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:43,705
Are you and Aunt Jess in a fight?
245
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:46,207
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, we're just telling stories.
246
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,376
Uh, once upon a time, there was
a fuzzy bunny
247
00:08:48,446 --> 00:08:50,612
who decided that colors
didn't need names,
248
00:08:50,681 --> 00:08:52,213
and anything could be called anything,
249
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:53,882
and the world descended into chaos.
250
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,283
But the bunny was happy,
because the bunny wasn't forced
251
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:58,820
- into somebody else's definition of color.
- Well, the fuzzy bunny
252
00:08:58,888 --> 00:09:00,775
wasn't really an authority,
now, was she?
253
00:09:00,845 --> 00:09:03,761
Because she used to work at a
school where instead of grades,
254
00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:05,175
they gave out rainbows.
255
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,302
Bringing up the bunny's past
is uncalled for
256
00:09:07,364 --> 00:09:09,831
in this cabbage patch. But the point is:
257
00:09:09,899 --> 00:09:13,601
I know about private schools,
and the whole system is corrupt.
258
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:15,910
Said the very fuzzy bunny.
259
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,739
Until the Jewish carrot farmer
brought down his mighty shovel.
260
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,441
The whole system is corrupt.
261
00:09:20,510 --> 00:09:22,242
- What's going on?
- Your friend
262
00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:25,633
- is costing us Washington.
- Why didn't you marry Shivrang?
263
00:09:25,703 --> 00:09:26,914
Ruth, is that coffee?
264
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,383
- Yep.
- Okay, there is a child here.
265
00:09:29,452 --> 00:09:30,618
I'm gonna take her
to the bedroom right now
266
00:09:30,687 --> 00:09:32,438
so she can watch local news bloopers.
267
00:09:32,524 --> 00:09:33,820
I don't know why she likes them so much.
268
00:09:33,889 --> 00:09:37,003
They're blowing their big shot.
269
00:09:37,136 --> 00:09:39,236
Okay. All right honey, let's go.
270
00:09:39,261 --> 00:09:40,427
Bye, honey.
271
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,196
Mm-hmm. Talk to you later.
272
00:09:42,264 --> 00:09:43,597
Bye, Ruth. Great job.
273
00:09:43,665 --> 00:09:45,765
Green is green.
274
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:48,101
- You did this. You did this.
- You did this. You did this.
275
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,872
- You did this.
- You did this.
276
00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:52,873
Are we still on this?
277
00:09:52,941 --> 00:09:53,874
When are you gonna let this go?
278
00:09:53,942 --> 00:09:55,441
When you come clean, Detective.
279
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,317
There is nothing to come clean about.
280
00:09:57,387 --> 00:09:58,945
Wait, aren't you 11 pages away
281
00:09:59,014 --> 00:09:59,946
from getting punched in the face?
282
00:10:00,015 --> 00:10:01,515
Oh, just answer the question.
283
00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:04,783
Does or does not the evidence
speak for itself?
284
00:10:04,852 --> 00:10:06,785
Do I need to refresh your memory, sir?
285
00:10:06,854 --> 00:10:10,156
I didn't phone ahead
to warn you of my arrival.
286
00:10:10,225 --> 00:10:12,898
I just thought it would be fun
to surprise you at college.
287
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,284
It was fun.
288
00:10:14,327 --> 00:10:15,296
Well, it should have been fun.
289
00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:18,860
- A man in front of a computer...
- No...
290
00:10:18,929 --> 00:10:20,028
I was checking my EarthLink.
291
00:10:20,098 --> 00:10:21,329
With no pants on.
292
00:10:21,398 --> 00:10:23,231
You know my bottoms run hot!
293
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,866
Tissues suspiciously close.
294
00:10:24,935 --> 00:10:26,868
They were Doug's.
295
00:10:26,937 --> 00:10:28,403
Lotion. One sock.
296
00:10:28,472 --> 00:10:29,738
Ashy elbows. Cold left foot.
297
00:10:29,807 --> 00:10:31,468
Look, why am I explaining this to you?
298
00:10:31,554 --> 00:10:33,742
You're the one who's supposed
to be writing right now.
299
00:10:33,811 --> 00:10:35,376
You know what I figured out?
300
00:10:35,445 --> 00:10:36,878
You are a procrastinator.
301
00:10:36,947 --> 00:10:38,179
Said the pro-masturbator.
302
00:10:38,248 --> 00:10:39,414
You always procrastinate when something
303
00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:40,582
is important to you.
304
00:10:40,650 --> 00:10:42,499
And you know how I know?
305
00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:45,394
January 12, 2001.
306
00:10:45,455 --> 00:10:47,388
- Damn you.
- You drove eight hours across
307
00:10:47,457 --> 00:10:48,889
the country to come see me at college,
308
00:10:48,958 --> 00:10:51,726
to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life.
309
00:10:51,794 --> 00:10:53,027
- Oh...
- A Bug's Life.
310
00:10:53,096 --> 00:10:54,595
The weekend before your midterms.
311
00:10:54,664 --> 00:10:55,930
You son of a bitch!
312
00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:58,231
♪ Big test, oh, yeah ♪
313
00:10:59,836 --> 00:11:00,901
Focus.
314
00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:04,772
Oh, I got to pick that up.
315
00:11:04,841 --> 00:11:06,073
Whoa!
316
00:11:09,512 --> 00:11:11,578
It's been a while though, hasn't it?
317
00:11:11,647 --> 00:11:13,947
You should have appreciated the
fact that your friend hitchhiked
318
00:11:14,016 --> 00:11:16,416
across the country to visit you.
319
00:11:16,485 --> 00:11:18,652
You're a procrastinator.
320
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,920
You want to know why you
procrastinate? I'll tell you.
321
00:11:20,989 --> 00:11:21,955
But you didn't give me
a chance to answer.
322
00:11:22,024 --> 00:11:22,956
How am I supposed to answer
323
00:11:23,025 --> 00:11:24,458
if not given the chance?
324
00:11:24,527 --> 00:11:26,926
- Fine. Answer.
- It's a vague question.
325
00:11:26,995 --> 00:11:28,561
It's not a vague question.
Why do you procrastinate?
326
00:11:28,630 --> 00:11:30,630
- I don't know.
- Nick, you procrastinate
327
00:11:30,699 --> 00:11:33,499
when something is important
to you, because deep down,
328
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,601
you're don't think you're
good enough to get it done.
329
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:38,104
That's the dumbest thing I've...
330
00:11:38,173 --> 00:11:39,639
It's also... that's possibly true,
331
00:11:39,708 --> 00:11:41,775
because that really feels
like what I do when I...
332
00:11:41,843 --> 00:11:43,276
Keep going, you're in a good zone.
333
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:44,943
So, of course, when you actually
get the opportunity
334
00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:47,112
to write something about your own life,
335
00:11:47,182 --> 00:11:49,140
the first thing you do is choke.
336
00:11:49,187 --> 00:11:50,616
You know how I know?
337
00:11:50,685 --> 00:11:53,085
Well, because for some reason,
I'm your oldest friend.
338
00:11:53,154 --> 00:11:55,821
So I hope you get punched
in the face today.
339
00:11:55,890 --> 00:11:57,557
I really do.
340
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,625
And then maybe, you'll finally see
341
00:11:59,694 --> 00:12:03,628
that you are good enough to
be everything you want to be.
342
00:12:06,033 --> 00:12:07,432
You masturbated one time.
343
00:12:07,501 --> 00:12:09,802
I swear to God, Nick.
344
00:12:09,870 --> 00:12:12,537
If I wasn't kicked off of Craigslist...
345
00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:19,844
Schmidt, you look
like you're gonna be sick.
346
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,314
Remember, they've only been
on the planet for three years.
347
00:12:22,382 --> 00:12:26,017
Oh, God. Is that kid reading
Jonathan Franzen?
348
00:12:26,086 --> 00:12:28,753
Wow, this place is like
the frickin' Louvre.
349
00:12:28,822 --> 00:12:30,988
There's a kid handing out mints
in the bathroom.
350
00:12:31,057 --> 00:12:33,157
Well, then, why'd you come?
To see your liberal snowflake
351
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:35,860
- hippie trash handiwork?
- No. I came for Ruth.
352
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,995
And in silent protest against
353
00:12:38,064 --> 00:12:40,397
institutions such as this hellhole.
354
00:12:40,466 --> 00:12:42,499
But it's quicker to say "for Ruth."
355
00:12:42,568 --> 00:12:44,568
- You are a queer little woman.
- Guys, tighten up. All right?
356
00:12:44,637 --> 00:12:46,503
They started assessing us
the minute we parked the car.
357
00:12:46,572 --> 00:12:48,873
- Xiawuhao.
- What?
358
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:50,241
That's "good afternoon" in Mandarin.
359
00:12:50,309 --> 00:12:52,332
Just a little amuse-bouche
for the judges.
360
00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:54,543
I also brought an actual amuse-bouche.
361
00:12:54,606 --> 00:12:56,918
It's a crostini with burrata and tomato.
362
00:12:56,996 --> 00:12:58,215
Doesn't that sound yummy, Schmidt?
363
00:12:58,284 --> 00:13:00,317
Back off, Benjamin.
Your burrata doesn't scare me.
364
00:13:00,386 --> 00:13:02,686
- I think it does.
- It kind of scares me.
365
00:13:02,755 --> 00:13:05,021
Ruth, just ignore them.
You're gonna do great in there, okay?
366
00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:06,022
Feeling good?
367
00:13:06,091 --> 00:13:07,490
Meow.
368
00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:10,127
Ha! She just said "meow."
369
00:13:12,430 --> 00:13:14,898
Okay. Kids,
370
00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:16,532
you can go inside. And parents,
371
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:18,434
you'll be watching
from a two-way mirror,
372
00:13:18,503 --> 00:13:20,237
which was a generous gift from a family
373
00:13:20,305 --> 00:13:22,872
that's too powerful to name.
374
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:24,741
It's Tate Donovan.
375
00:13:24,809 --> 00:13:27,577
- Oof.
- All right. Let's go.
376
00:13:27,646 --> 00:13:29,370
- Let's hit it.
- Okay, you ready, honey?
377
00:13:29,456 --> 00:13:30,503
Remember what we talked about.
378
00:13:30,557 --> 00:13:32,261
ROYGBIV. Red, orange, yellow...
379
00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:35,143
Schmidt, she's got it. Okay?
You're gonna do great in there.
380
00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:36,386
You're gonna bring the heat,
aren't you, Ruth?
381
00:13:36,462 --> 00:13:39,209
Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.
382
00:13:39,256 --> 00:13:40,686
- Oh, dear God.
- Okay.
383
00:13:42,795 --> 00:13:45,791
- Please state your name, sir.
- So...
384
00:13:47,519 --> 00:13:50,010
I'm Winston Bottoms.
385
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:51,354
Uh, Winston I Was Wearing Bottoms.
386
00:13:51,425 --> 00:13:53,058
Damn it. S-I'm sorry to curse.
387
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:55,259
I didn't mean... uh,
that's... I know my name.
388
00:13:55,328 --> 00:13:57,411
Let's just get that...
let the record show that.
389
00:13:57,497 --> 00:14:00,030
When you do your thing. And um...
390
00:14:00,099 --> 00:14:03,768
I'm Detective Bottoms.
391
00:14:03,837 --> 00:14:05,369
Are you okay, sir?
392
00:14:05,438 --> 00:14:07,371
Ha. I'm-I'm... yes, sir,
I'm sorry, um...
393
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,007
My lower half has got the sweats.
394
00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:13,043
I'd like to put in a request
for a wet wipe.
395
00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:14,511
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
396
00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:16,713
if anyone has a wet wipe, I will gladly
397
00:14:16,782 --> 00:14:20,384
receive said wet wipe
and clean off my lower half.
398
00:14:20,453 --> 00:14:23,053
Your Honor, may I request a recess?
399
00:14:23,122 --> 00:14:25,289
Come on, Miller, churn out the magic.
400
00:14:25,358 --> 00:14:27,657
Come on. Let's get started. Let's go.
401
00:14:27,726 --> 00:14:31,561
"Nick Miller grew up in Chicago.
402
00:14:31,630 --> 00:14:35,899
"He came from a family.
He hated Winston.
403
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:38,401
"Winston was really annoying.
404
00:14:38,470 --> 00:14:41,070
In a lot of ways, Winston is
still annoying, but..."
405
00:14:41,139 --> 00:14:43,739
It's supposed to be about me!
406
00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:46,275
Stupid Winston, it's sup...
407
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:49,545
I'm screwed, I only have six
pages. What time is it?
408
00:14:49,614 --> 00:14:51,447
Mmm... 3:01.
409
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:53,883
3:01. I'm screwed.
410
00:14:57,155 --> 00:14:58,587
It was you.
411
00:14:58,656 --> 00:15:00,756
Craigslist, bitch!
412
00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:03,258
It was always you.
413
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:09,410
Wow, Stuart really nailed
the face-drawing portion.
414
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:12,663
He included eyelashes
and expressive eyebrows.
415
00:15:12,732 --> 00:15:14,999
Must you narrate? The whole point
416
00:15:15,068 --> 00:15:18,335
of the audio-enhanced plexiglass
is that I can hear on my own.
417
00:15:18,404 --> 00:15:21,126
Oh, boy, it's circle-cutting time.
418
00:15:21,204 --> 00:15:23,657
Miss Carly is handing
the scissors to Ruth.
419
00:15:23,712 --> 00:15:24,941
Ruth is taking the scissors.
420
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:26,343
Ruth is starting to use the scissors.
421
00:15:26,412 --> 00:15:27,743
Don't tell me what she's doing.
422
00:15:27,798 --> 00:15:30,013
Actually, you know what?
Tell me. Never tell me.
423
00:15:30,082 --> 00:15:31,486
Forget it, this is a disaster,
we should go.
424
00:15:31,511 --> 00:15:33,344
Ruth S.
425
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,720
Your circle is perfect.
426
00:15:36,788 --> 00:15:38,221
- I knew it.
- I want to buy her things.
427
00:15:38,289 --> 00:15:40,189
I want to buy her lots
and lots of things.
428
00:15:40,258 --> 00:15:43,192
Suck it, Benjamin!
Your bouche just got amused.
429
00:15:43,261 --> 00:15:45,895
But what if it's not
a circle, Miss Carly?
430
00:15:45,964 --> 00:15:47,860
- No!
- What if it's a moon,
431
00:15:47,907 --> 00:15:50,299
and it's sad 'cause it's daytime?
432
00:15:50,368 --> 00:15:52,835
What a colossal crap of the bed.
433
00:15:52,903 --> 00:15:55,338
Ruth S, wonderful imagination.
434
00:15:55,406 --> 00:15:57,806
You just earned three tadpoles.
435
00:15:57,875 --> 00:15:59,708
- Three tadpoles!
- Three frigging tadpoles!
436
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,173
Everyone, right here.
437
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,779
You know what got her
those three t-poles?
438
00:16:03,848 --> 00:16:05,014
Hippie-dippy mishegas.
439
00:16:05,082 --> 00:16:06,414
Well, she couldn't cut
440
00:16:06,483 --> 00:16:07,716
a perfect circle without your
441
00:16:07,785 --> 00:16:09,985
cold-blooded demand for excellence.
442
00:16:10,054 --> 00:16:13,656
Is it possible that after
all of this time fighting,
443
00:16:13,724 --> 00:16:16,725
that, together,
we're the perfect parent?
444
00:16:16,794 --> 00:16:19,895
- I mean, look, you're sweet.
- You're salty.
445
00:16:19,964 --> 00:16:22,097
Excuse me, she lived inside
of me, ya jerks.
446
00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:24,699
No. No, Stuart!
447
00:16:24,768 --> 00:16:26,268
Oh...
448
00:16:26,336 --> 00:16:27,602
That's an oval!
449
00:16:27,671 --> 00:16:28,970
Oh, well, looky over there.
450
00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:32,907
What is this? Huh?
451
00:16:32,976 --> 00:16:34,709
I don't love you anymore!
452
00:16:34,778 --> 00:16:36,110
Oval's for losers.
453
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,280
Hey. Your name is Denise now.
454
00:16:38,348 --> 00:16:41,248
What? No, it's not, Schmidt's kid.
455
00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:43,217
Piccolo! Piccolo!
456
00:16:43,286 --> 00:16:45,721
Piccolo! Piccolo!
457
00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:47,454
All right, I heard you.
458
00:16:47,523 --> 00:16:49,623
Too much pressure. He's a kid, Denise.
459
00:16:49,693 --> 00:16:51,471
- Oh boy.
- Why is she calling everybody Denise?
460
00:16:51,541 --> 00:16:54,428
The whole system is corrupt. Meow!
461
00:17:09,011 --> 00:17:11,945
They jammed the damn door shut
with a piccolo.
462
00:17:13,682 --> 00:17:14,948
Meow!
463
00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:45,550
Schmidt-Stain! Help me!
464
00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:49,985
Oh, God.
465
00:17:52,735 --> 00:17:53,867
Losing confidence?
466
00:17:53,937 --> 00:17:55,122
Nick, what are you doing here, man?
467
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,433
I came to thank you.
I got punched in the face,
468
00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:59,741
and I gotta say, it set me free.
469
00:17:59,809 --> 00:18:01,976
Check it out, man. 20 pages.
470
00:18:02,045 --> 00:18:04,512
And they're all good.
Some of them are good.
471
00:18:04,581 --> 00:18:06,481
Five pages are good.
472
00:18:06,550 --> 00:18:08,850
- I really like the title.
- I'm proud of you, man.
473
00:18:08,918 --> 00:18:09,851
I couldn't have done it without you.
474
00:18:09,919 --> 00:18:11,119
- Aw, stop.
- Honestly.
475
00:18:11,187 --> 00:18:13,654
You push me, man, you always have.
476
00:18:13,723 --> 00:18:16,824
I don't know who I would've been
if I hadn't have met you.
477
00:18:16,893 --> 00:18:19,994
- Chicago, man.
- Chicago.
478
00:18:20,063 --> 00:18:21,295
Tough love, man. Chicago.
479
00:18:21,364 --> 00:18:22,630
- Let's go see the Bean.
- What?
480
00:18:22,698 --> 00:18:24,498
I-I don't know.
I don't know why I said that.
481
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:26,241
- Winston, I came here to punch you.
- Okay.
482
00:18:26,335 --> 00:18:29,136
Punch you with my truth fist
in your guilt nuts.
483
00:18:29,204 --> 00:18:31,505
Okay? And I'm gonna
punch your nuts hard.
484
00:18:31,574 --> 00:18:33,206
- Okay.
- How long you been working this case?
485
00:18:33,276 --> 00:18:35,008
Long time, man. Months.
486
00:18:35,033 --> 00:18:36,857
And does anybody know it better than you?
487
00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:37,911
Nobody.
488
00:18:37,946 --> 00:18:40,681
Then why don't you have the
confidence to take the stand?
489
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:42,646
The problem is,
is you still see yourself
490
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:44,417
as that 10-year-old boy
491
00:18:44,486 --> 00:18:47,854
who fainted the first time
you went rollerblading.
492
00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:49,156
You rolled right into Lake Michigan.
493
00:18:49,224 --> 00:18:50,390
That did wake me up.
494
00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:51,691
But you're not that kid.
495
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,226
You're a detective now.
496
00:18:53,295 --> 00:18:55,361
Married to the love of your life.
497
00:18:55,430 --> 00:18:58,198
You have a child on the way.
498
00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,866
Unburden yourself, Winston.
499
00:18:59,935 --> 00:19:02,067
Now, I'm going to ask you one last time.
500
00:19:02,136 --> 00:19:04,236
Did you or did you not masturbate?
501
00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:07,173
I. Did. Not.
502
00:19:07,241 --> 00:19:09,141
- Damn it, Detective.
- I didn't.
503
00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:11,911
Detective?
504
00:19:11,979 --> 00:19:15,381
Did you have intent
to pleasure yourself?
505
00:19:15,450 --> 00:19:16,382
I did.
506
00:19:25,243 --> 00:19:26,602
_
507
00:19:26,627 --> 00:19:29,061
Niiiick!
508
00:19:30,464 --> 00:19:32,198
I did have the intent, man.
509
00:19:32,266 --> 00:19:34,399
But you know how it is when
you're a hot-blooded
510
00:19:34,468 --> 00:19:35,767
Chicago teenager, man.
511
00:19:35,836 --> 00:19:37,402
Oh, yeah.
512
00:19:37,471 --> 00:19:38,704
But it's over now.
513
00:19:38,772 --> 00:19:40,205
Wow. Man, I feel better.
514
00:19:40,273 --> 00:19:41,692
- Of course you do.
- I feel a lot better.
515
00:19:41,755 --> 00:19:43,416
Get in here, man. Chicago.
516
00:19:43,477 --> 00:19:45,377
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
517
00:19:45,446 --> 00:19:49,514
Detective, recess is over.
We're ready for you now.
518
00:19:49,583 --> 00:19:51,749
I wanted to pleasure myself,
519
00:19:51,818 --> 00:19:53,751
and this man helped me get there.
520
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,354
- Aw, you did it on your own.
- Oh, no, you helped me.
521
00:19:56,422 --> 00:19:58,122
No, you did it on your own.
522
00:19:58,191 --> 00:19:59,423
Okay, I did it on my own.
523
00:19:59,492 --> 00:20:01,326
- Chicago.
- Chicago.
524
00:20:03,496 --> 00:20:06,630
I really hope the paramedics
got that piccolo
525
00:20:06,699 --> 00:20:08,532
- out of Miss Carly.
- Oh, I doubt it.
526
00:20:08,601 --> 00:20:11,101
The doctor at the hospital said that
527
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:14,304
Benjamin will have a permanent smile.
528
00:20:14,374 --> 00:20:15,551
Like the Joker.
529
00:20:15,629 --> 00:20:17,274
You guys, I'm so sorry.
This is my fault.
530
00:20:17,343 --> 00:20:18,542
I'm just not cut out for this
531
00:20:18,611 --> 00:20:19,977
dog-eat-dog private school world.
532
00:20:20,045 --> 00:20:21,612
You should have never asked me for help.
533
00:20:21,681 --> 00:20:23,313
- No, honey, it's okay.
- It was mostly your fault.
534
00:20:23,382 --> 00:20:24,748
You guys made such a cool kid.
535
00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:26,616
I mean, she's crazy and she's strong,
536
00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:29,486
and she's going to be exactly
who she wants to be
537
00:20:29,554 --> 00:20:31,355
no matter what any of us say.
538
00:20:33,092 --> 00:20:35,192
Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.
539
00:20:35,261 --> 00:20:37,327
Maybe we just need
to get out of her way.
540
00:20:37,396 --> 00:20:38,628
Ruth, honey.
541
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,327
What school do you want to go to?
542
00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:45,835
Ugh. That boy is grooming Ruth
like a cat.
543
00:20:45,904 --> 00:20:48,137
CECE: She looks so happy.
544
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,507
- Again!
- Chicken! Hey, you. Yeah. Chicken.
545
00:20:50,575 --> 00:20:54,310
You and me are gonna be friends.
546
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,178
- Oh. Well, hey.
- You came!
547
00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:59,619
Yeah, we wanted to see
Ruth's new school.
548
00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:01,817
It's dingy.
549
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,887
Daddy, come drink from the garden hose.
550
00:21:07,691 --> 00:21:09,491
Okay, guys,
551
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,593
if I'm gonna put my mouth
on a dirty rubber tube,
552
00:21:11,662 --> 00:21:14,173
so are all of you... let's go.
553
00:21:14,198 --> 00:21:15,148
I don't wanna do that.
554
00:21:15,173 --> 00:21:16,565
- Come on.
- I don't wanna do that.
555
00:21:16,634 --> 00:21:18,133
- Drink, Daddy, drink.
- Hello, Mr. Triangles.
556
00:21:18,201 --> 00:21:19,367
Well, ma'am, let me get in there.
557
00:21:19,436 --> 00:21:21,036
All right! Get the germs.
558
00:21:21,096 --> 00:21:23,292
- Here I go.
- Drink it.
559
00:21:23,363 --> 00:21:25,206
- Drink it, Schmidty.
- Here I go.
560
00:21:25,275 --> 00:21:26,808
Here I go.
561
00:21:26,876 --> 00:21:29,044
- Yeah!
- There you go.
562
00:21:33,516 --> 00:21:34,649
Yuck!
563
00:21:34,717 --> 00:21:36,551
Triangle water is chicken water!
564
00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:40,243
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com