1 00:00:00,893 --> 00:00:04,861 But you're using birth control, right? 2 00:00:04,929 --> 00:00:07,030 Yeah, of course. 3 00:00:07,099 --> 00:00:09,633 It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic 4 00:00:09,701 --> 00:00:11,302 that birth control becomes like one 5 00:00:11,369 --> 00:00:14,504 of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane. 6 00:00:16,006 --> 00:00:17,607 I didn't want to know that. 7 00:00:17,674 --> 00:00:18,774 Okay, 8 00:00:18,842 --> 00:00:20,343 the pregnancy test doesn't work 9 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,312 until after six days, 10 00:00:22,379 --> 00:00:24,214 so just get through the weekend 11 00:00:24,281 --> 00:00:26,349 and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure. 12 00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:28,317 Yeah, no, of course not, of course. 13 00:00:28,384 --> 00:00:31,553 It's just... 14 00:00:31,621 --> 00:00:33,722 I can't stop thinking 15 00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:36,925 about what a Schmidt baby would be like. 16 00:00:36,993 --> 00:00:41,196 Just, I mean, I, I don't know. 17 00:00:41,264 --> 00:00:44,698 Would it just want to nurse 24 hours a day? 18 00:00:44,766 --> 00:00:47,201 Probably. 19 00:00:47,269 --> 00:00:49,303 We could make it, like, a douche baby jar. 20 00:00:52,774 --> 00:00:55,209 Oh, my God. 21 00:00:55,277 --> 00:00:56,710 Ladies, ladies, 22 00:00:56,778 --> 00:00:57,512 what is all the screaming about? 23 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,013 Oh, my... Jess, 24 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,813 have you finally agreed to be our third? 25 00:01:00,881 --> 00:01:02,249 Because, you know, we've discussed this. 26 00:01:02,316 --> 00:01:03,550 We have never talked about that, Schmidt. 27 00:01:03,618 --> 00:01:04,717 What? Schmidt, this is not the time. 28 00:01:04,785 --> 00:01:06,653 Schmidt, we were just thinking 29 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,321 about what you might have been like as a baby. 30 00:01:08,389 --> 00:01:11,258 Oh, I was the bomb diggity as a baby. 31 00:01:11,325 --> 00:01:12,859 I mean, I was, I was, like, break-dancing 32 00:01:12,926 --> 00:01:13,926 at eight months old. 33 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,868 But they say that I needed a magnum size diaper. 34 00:01:22,935 --> 00:01:25,371 - Oh, my God. - Get out. Seriously? 35 00:01:25,438 --> 00:01:27,973 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 36 00:01:28,041 --> 00:01:29,708 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:29,776 --> 00:01:31,109 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com 38 00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:33,411 Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com 39 00:01:33,412 --> 00:01:34,412 All right, what's with the suit? 40 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,480 And if you say swing dancing, 41 00:01:35,548 --> 00:01:36,782 I'm gonna slap your face. 42 00:01:36,849 --> 00:01:38,950 Well, my boss is going to be on TV today... 43 00:01:39,018 --> 00:01:41,720 Michael Strahan's new talk show On the Strahan Narrow. 44 00:01:41,788 --> 00:01:43,154 - Great show. - He's got too many DUls 45 00:01:43,222 --> 00:01:45,590 to drive himself, so I guess I got to take him. 46 00:01:45,658 --> 00:01:46,624 Sit in my room, Schmidt. 47 00:01:46,693 --> 00:01:47,659 Cece's resting. 48 00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:50,728 Hey, guys, um, listen up. 49 00:01:50,796 --> 00:01:54,431 Uh, Sarah is going to be here in a few minutes, so best behavior. 50 00:01:54,499 --> 00:01:56,266 Who's Sarah? Russell's daughter, 51 00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:57,968 so no F-bombs, P-bombs. 52 00:01:58,036 --> 00:02:01,538 Actually, no "B" through "S" bombs, no bombs, 53 00:02:01,606 --> 00:02:03,941 and no bringing home college girls, Berlusconi. 54 00:02:04,009 --> 00:02:05,108 Hey, that's not fair. 55 00:02:05,176 --> 00:02:06,609 The girl I've been hanging out with 56 00:02:06,677 --> 00:02:09,145 is totally mature and interesting. 57 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:10,279 Please put on some pants. 58 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,381 Everything you say sounds really creepy 59 00:02:12,449 --> 00:02:14,617 - when you're not wearing pants. - Your hair looks nice. 60 00:02:14,685 --> 00:02:17,386 - Ugh. - Mmm, this coffee is smoldering. 61 00:02:17,454 --> 00:02:18,755 So creepy. 62 00:02:18,823 --> 00:02:19,823 So what's with the babysitting? 63 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,123 I think he's actually testing me. 64 00:02:21,191 --> 00:02:22,791 I think he's seeing if I can be a mom. 65 00:02:22,859 --> 00:02:24,593 - Are you nervous? - It's nothing I can't handle. 66 00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:26,294 I'm halfway there... I'm already her teacher, 67 00:02:26,362 --> 00:02:27,662 so... 68 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:28,831 Oh, she's here. 69 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:32,400 Um, Nick, uh, put on some pants 70 00:02:32,468 --> 00:02:34,469 or at least some really high socks. 71 00:02:34,537 --> 00:02:35,904 High socks it is. 72 00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,304 Hi, Ms. Day. 73 00:02:37,372 --> 00:02:38,505 Hi, Sarah. 74 00:02:38,573 --> 00:02:39,741 I can be here in under five minutes 75 00:02:39,808 --> 00:02:41,075 if I need to be. 76 00:02:42,711 --> 00:02:44,445 Honestly I wouldn't have agreed to this, 77 00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:45,913 except my husband is out of town, 78 00:02:45,981 --> 00:02:48,149 and you're Sarah's favorite teacher 79 00:02:48,217 --> 00:02:50,517 and my husband's favorite teacher. 80 00:02:52,187 --> 00:02:54,587 Um, hey, um, I hope this doesn't sound rude, 81 00:02:54,655 --> 00:02:57,791 but, um, you keep saying "husband" 82 00:02:57,859 --> 00:02:59,760 and I just want to make sure you and Russell... 83 00:02:59,827 --> 00:03:01,061 you're not still married? 84 00:03:01,129 --> 00:03:03,263 Oh... no, no. 85 00:03:06,033 --> 00:03:07,533 'Cause I just, like, wanted to make sure there wasn't 86 00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:08,934 some very important piece of information 87 00:03:09,002 --> 00:03:10,669 that I totally missed. 88 00:03:10,737 --> 00:03:13,773 No, I mean, but he'll always be my husband, 89 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,241 if you know what I mean. 90 00:03:15,308 --> 00:03:16,842 Yeah. 91 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:19,779 Actually, could you explain what you mean very clearly? 92 00:03:19,846 --> 00:03:21,881 Cece's acting really weird. 93 00:03:21,948 --> 00:03:23,615 Do you think she's getting tired of me? 94 00:03:23,683 --> 00:03:27,051 I mean, look, it's been, like, months of non-stop sex. 95 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,687 I mean, what can I do if she doesn't let me hit the fifth chakra? 96 00:03:29,755 --> 00:03:32,456 - I'm not listening to you. - I'm just, I'm just saying, look, 97 00:03:32,524 --> 00:03:34,558 do you think she wants something more than sex? 98 00:03:34,626 --> 00:03:36,694 Do you think she's finally becoming a girl? 99 00:03:36,762 --> 00:03:38,196 'Cause I can't handle that, man. 100 00:03:38,264 --> 00:03:39,230 Hey, boss. What are you doing? 101 00:03:39,298 --> 00:03:40,464 - Hmm? - Look... 102 00:03:40,532 --> 00:03:42,632 W-W-Wait, n-n-no, yesterday you said noon, 103 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:44,567 - but it's only 10:30. - Do you think that I've become too dependent 104 00:03:44,635 --> 00:03:46,303 - on a hot lava massage? - Hmm? 105 00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:48,638 - I'm gonna be there in just a second. - What about costumes? 106 00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,740 - I got to go, bye. - Do you think I made her dress up too much? 107 00:03:50,809 --> 00:03:52,009 Look, man, I'm not going to sit here 108 00:03:52,076 --> 00:03:53,476 and bond with you about this, all right? 109 00:03:53,544 --> 00:03:56,680 I got to go babysit my boss. 110 00:03:56,747 --> 00:03:58,314 Hey, Schmidt, you gonna stay for dinner? 111 00:03:58,381 --> 00:03:59,682 We're going to borrow your pasta maker. 112 00:03:59,749 --> 00:04:01,083 Oh, that's great, are you gonna teach Sarah 113 00:04:01,151 --> 00:04:03,385 your recipe for overcooked mush? 114 00:04:03,453 --> 00:04:05,154 Ha, ha, no, I'm teaching her about Italy. 115 00:04:05,222 --> 00:04:06,289 I'm coming with a date... 116 00:04:06,356 --> 00:04:07,690 Chloe. Uh, no, you're not. 117 00:04:07,757 --> 00:04:09,859 You are not bringing any of those girls around Sarah. 118 00:04:09,927 --> 00:04:10,860 Hey, you must be Sarah. 119 00:04:10,928 --> 00:04:12,328 And you guys are wrong 120 00:04:12,395 --> 00:04:15,363 about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature 121 00:04:15,431 --> 00:04:18,900 and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy 122 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,435 and the guy who did the Obama poster 123 00:04:20,502 --> 00:04:22,070 and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy. 124 00:04:23,906 --> 00:04:25,640 That's stupid. 125 00:04:26,208 --> 00:04:27,976 Your eyes are so brown. 126 00:04:28,044 --> 00:04:29,576 They look like poop. 127 00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,912 Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo? 128 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,780 There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue. 129 00:04:33,849 --> 00:04:35,216 Old poo eyes. 130 00:04:42,457 --> 00:04:43,490 Oh, hey. 131 00:04:43,558 --> 00:04:45,758 I like your house. 132 00:04:45,826 --> 00:04:46,960 It's not my house! 133 00:04:47,027 --> 00:04:47,727 - Go, go! - What? 134 00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:50,730 Go! 135 00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:55,168 - What's going on? - What are you talking about, man? 136 00:04:55,236 --> 00:04:57,937 I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes. 137 00:04:58,005 --> 00:05:00,273 What do you think is going on? I don't know, I'm just trying to give you 138 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:03,008 an opportunity to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite. 139 00:05:03,076 --> 00:05:05,944 Actually, the ancient Egyptians made pasta 140 00:05:06,012 --> 00:05:09,214 by flattening the dough with their feet. 141 00:05:09,282 --> 00:05:10,548 Cool, huh? 142 00:05:11,316 --> 00:05:13,252 Sarah? 143 00:05:17,956 --> 00:05:20,258 Hey. 144 00:05:20,325 --> 00:05:22,393 Why do you have so many bras? 145 00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:23,727 You're a teacher. 146 00:05:23,795 --> 00:05:25,263 Teachers need bras, too. 147 00:05:25,330 --> 00:05:28,366 You know, like, all that erasing and stuff. 148 00:05:28,433 --> 00:05:29,700 It's like... 149 00:05:29,768 --> 00:05:31,835 That's an after- school bra. 150 00:05:32,904 --> 00:05:34,837 Can I get out of doing homework 151 00:05:34,906 --> 00:05:36,239 because you're dating my dad? 152 00:05:36,307 --> 00:05:37,307 No. 153 00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:40,143 Um, hey, I know having your teacher 154 00:05:40,211 --> 00:05:43,813 dating your dad is weird, um, but 155 00:05:43,881 --> 00:05:47,650 I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything. 156 00:05:48,518 --> 00:05:49,218 Really? 157 00:05:49,286 --> 00:05:50,986 Yeah, anything. 158 00:05:51,054 --> 00:05:52,388 Are you in love with my dad? 159 00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:53,923 Hmm... oh... 160 00:05:53,990 --> 00:05:56,458 Do you and my dad ever dry-lump? 161 00:05:56,526 --> 00:05:58,794 G... uh... 162 00:05:58,861 --> 00:06:01,063 - Is sexting cool? - What? No, it's not cool. 163 00:06:01,131 --> 00:06:03,165 Have you done a 99? 164 00:06:03,233 --> 00:06:04,866 I think that's a tax form. 165 00:06:04,934 --> 00:06:07,601 Have you ever given anyone plow jobs? 166 00:06:07,669 --> 00:06:08,836 I don't know. 167 00:06:08,904 --> 00:06:11,239 How do you make love to a person animal-style? 168 00:06:12,307 --> 00:06:14,309 Do you want to learn how to play bridge? 169 00:06:15,553 --> 00:06:17,986 I've been doing some thinking, and 170 00:06:18,554 --> 00:06:19,754 I think it's time 171 00:06:19,821 --> 00:06:21,922 that I take you on a real date. 172 00:06:22,490 --> 00:06:24,224 You're asking me out on a date? 173 00:06:24,292 --> 00:06:25,359 Yeah, it'll be our first real date. 174 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,294 Now, Italy on Ice is a celebration 175 00:06:27,362 --> 00:06:29,229 of all things Italian 176 00:06:29,297 --> 00:06:30,364 featuring ice dancing's 177 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,100 biggest and brightest Italian stars. 178 00:06:33,168 --> 00:06:35,268 Drea de Matteo is scheduled to appear, 179 00:06:35,335 --> 00:06:37,070 but, you know, they're not liable if she doesn't. 180 00:06:37,138 --> 00:06:38,972 I can't go right now. 181 00:06:39,539 --> 00:06:41,307 It's a really bad time, okay? 182 00:06:41,375 --> 00:06:44,010 I'm sorry, just take someone else. 183 00:06:44,778 --> 00:06:46,179 You mean, like another girl? 184 00:06:46,246 --> 00:06:49,248 Yeah, Schmidt, that's what this is. 185 00:06:49,316 --> 00:06:50,749 That's the deal. 186 00:06:50,817 --> 00:06:52,785 Just take someone else, okay? 187 00:06:52,852 --> 00:06:54,252 All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just... 188 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,055 I'll ask somebody else, I'll just... yeah, 189 00:06:56,122 --> 00:06:57,890 totally, and with 190 00:06:57,957 --> 00:07:00,258 these VIP tickets I got... poppacorno. 191 00:07:00,326 --> 00:07:02,161 - What? - Poppacorno. 192 00:07:02,228 --> 00:07:03,562 Poppacorno. 193 00:07:03,629 --> 00:07:04,997 It's "popcorn" in Italian. 194 00:07:06,532 --> 00:07:09,200 I don't think you should be rushing into these things. 195 00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:11,169 You need to look for a partner who is... 196 00:07:11,236 --> 00:07:13,504 Ew, you said "partner." 197 00:07:13,572 --> 00:07:14,839 I know, that sucked. 198 00:07:14,907 --> 00:07:16,307 I'm sorry. 199 00:07:16,374 --> 00:07:20,377 Look, as your friend Jess, not Ms. Day, 200 00:07:20,445 --> 00:07:23,479 just choose someone who makes you laugh. 201 00:07:23,547 --> 00:07:26,950 - Like Nick? - Yeah, I mean... wait, what? 202 00:07:27,018 --> 00:07:29,385 Oh, my God, oh, my God, I love Nick so, so, so much. 203 00:07:29,453 --> 00:07:30,553 He's so hot. 204 00:07:30,621 --> 00:07:31,521 - That Nick? - I want to rub 205 00:07:31,589 --> 00:07:35,225 my face on his face. 206 00:07:38,562 --> 00:07:40,229 Just to be clear, I am dialing 207 00:07:40,296 --> 00:07:42,464 another woman to go see Italy on Ice right now. 208 00:07:42,532 --> 00:07:43,398 That's fine, do it. 209 00:07:43,466 --> 00:07:44,867 Hey, guys, not now. 210 00:07:44,935 --> 00:07:46,969 - Oh, it's ringing. - Don't care. 211 00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:49,004 This room cannot take any more hormones. 212 00:07:49,072 --> 00:07:51,106 I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary 213 00:07:51,173 --> 00:07:52,742 with low-brow youth culture. 214 00:07:52,809 --> 00:07:55,009 It's almost too much juxtaposition for me. 215 00:07:55,077 --> 00:07:56,144 You know what I mean? 216 00:07:56,212 --> 00:07:58,379 It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, 217 00:07:58,447 --> 00:08:00,248 but I think I'm gonna let it slide. 218 00:08:00,315 --> 00:08:02,483 Hey, I got to... yes. 219 00:08:02,551 --> 00:08:03,651 You've got Nick. 220 00:08:03,719 --> 00:08:06,420 Hey, Nick-ole. 221 00:08:06,488 --> 00:08:07,922 - What it be, girl? - What's going on, Schmidt? 222 00:08:07,990 --> 00:08:08,990 What you got going on, ma? 223 00:08:09,058 --> 00:08:11,324 It's the freakin' weekend. 224 00:08:11,392 --> 00:08:13,660 - Did you just call me "girl"? - Are you wearing something sexy? 225 00:08:13,728 --> 00:08:16,263 Just, you know, button-down and jeans like always. 226 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,565 Oh, you got jeans on, baby, are they tight? 227 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:19,967 Hmm, they're a little loose; I buy 'em big. 228 00:08:20,034 --> 00:08:22,335 Oh, them jeans sound sexy. 229 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:24,571 Everything all right? You want to hang out more, Schmidt? 230 00:08:24,639 --> 00:08:26,573 You taking care of that tushy... taking care of that tushy for me? 231 00:08:26,641 --> 00:08:27,539 I'm not doing, like, 232 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:29,008 squats or anything. 233 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:30,209 I'm trying to eat less doughnuts. 234 00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,177 You still keeping it tight? 235 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:33,846 You're an idiot. 236 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,048 What? 237 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,516 I thought this is what you wanted. 238 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:38,885 This is a really good example 239 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,553 of people who should not be making love. 240 00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,454 - Have fun. - Cece, are you okay? 241 00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:44,790 Damn it! 242 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,291 You don't understand... I love Nick 243 00:08:46,358 --> 00:08:47,725 so, so, so much. 244 00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,394 He's so hot, I'm going to die. 245 00:08:49,461 --> 00:08:51,562 Sarah, Nick is way too old for you. 246 00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:52,998 I live with him. 247 00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:54,666 - He is dirty and weird. - No, no, no, no... 248 00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:56,134 Sarah, not Nick's room. 249 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,270 It's not well ventilated in there. 250 00:08:58,337 --> 00:09:00,104 Let's see, we'll get there a little early, 251 00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:01,738 maybe get you in the shower, 252 00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:03,373 maybe a once-over with some disinfectant. 253 00:09:03,441 --> 00:09:05,009 Hmm... hey. 254 00:09:05,076 --> 00:09:06,543 Yard sale... pull over. 255 00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:07,577 No. 256 00:09:07,645 --> 00:09:09,413 Someone rich died, I can smell it. 257 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,049 Okay, look, Joe, I'm trying to get you to the show on time. 258 00:09:12,117 --> 00:09:14,285 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? - I'll push you out of the car, 259 00:09:14,352 --> 00:09:15,418 okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa. 260 00:09:15,485 --> 00:09:17,787 Oh, yeah, yeah, baby, yard sale, yeah. 261 00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:19,022 Oh, I feel so alive. 262 00:09:19,089 --> 00:09:20,290 Aah, I got a charley horse. 263 00:09:20,357 --> 00:09:21,191 Oh, God. 264 00:09:22,526 --> 00:09:24,160 Hey, Sarah. 265 00:09:24,228 --> 00:09:25,695 Can you come out of Nick's room? 266 00:09:25,762 --> 00:09:27,530 I'm going to roll in his dirty clothes. 267 00:09:27,597 --> 00:09:29,933 - Jess, Schmidt asked me out. - Oh. 268 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,800 Like, he came over and he asked me out, 269 00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:33,035 and I really can't go 270 00:09:33,102 --> 00:09:34,169 - on a date with him right now. - Okay... 271 00:09:36,105 --> 00:09:37,806 Sarah! I've had enough of this little... 272 00:09:37,874 --> 00:09:39,074 - Shh! - Listen to me, listen to me, 273 00:09:39,142 --> 00:09:40,575 all right, you little brat, 274 00:09:40,643 --> 00:09:42,477 you just need to be quiet because I need my friend 275 00:09:42,545 --> 00:09:44,646 to focus on me right now! 276 00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:45,981 What are you doing, Cece? 277 00:09:46,049 --> 00:09:47,448 You know how much this means to me. 278 00:09:47,515 --> 00:09:48,682 Don't let your dysfunction 279 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:50,251 rub off on her. 280 00:09:50,319 --> 00:09:52,086 I am going to be a terrible mother. 281 00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:53,821 - No, no, no, shh. - A terrible mom! 282 00:09:53,889 --> 00:09:55,289 I'm gonna be just like my mother. 283 00:09:55,357 --> 00:09:56,623 You're gonna be a great mom. 284 00:09:56,691 --> 00:09:57,725 You're gonna be a fashionable mom. 285 00:09:57,792 --> 00:09:59,660 I can make this right, okay? 286 00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:00,694 Just... 287 00:10:00,762 --> 00:10:03,029 Sarah? 288 00:10:03,097 --> 00:10:04,197 Hey, Sarah. 289 00:10:04,265 --> 00:10:05,732 Um, look, 290 00:10:05,799 --> 00:10:09,469 you should definitely not be having sex right now 291 00:10:09,536 --> 00:10:11,137 at this age, but when you do, 292 00:10:11,205 --> 00:10:13,439 just make sure you always use protection 293 00:10:13,507 --> 00:10:15,208 because, even if he says it's tantric 294 00:10:15,276 --> 00:10:17,177 and you're Indian 295 00:10:17,245 --> 00:10:18,878 and you know better, 296 00:10:18,945 --> 00:10:20,479 you're just going to end up pregnant anyways. 297 00:10:20,546 --> 00:10:21,646 What? 298 00:10:24,284 --> 00:10:26,451 Cece, are you pregnant? 299 00:10:26,519 --> 00:10:27,452 Whoa! 300 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,321 Sarah, Nick has one tie. 301 00:10:29,389 --> 00:10:30,555 See if you can find it. 302 00:10:30,623 --> 00:10:31,390 No, okay, 303 00:10:31,457 --> 00:10:33,058 I don't know. 304 00:10:33,126 --> 00:10:35,026 We have to wait for the test results, but I'm late. 305 00:10:37,029 --> 00:10:38,496 Oh, my... 306 00:10:38,563 --> 00:10:40,798 We made a caramel miracle. 307 00:10:40,866 --> 00:10:45,036 You pregnant, you pregnant. 308 00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:46,938 Oh, my God. 309 00:10:48,251 --> 00:10:49,398 You got Cece pregnant? 310 00:10:49,401 --> 00:10:51,402 We used protection. I don't know how this happened. 311 00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:53,471 - Think she did it on purpose? - An Indian-Jewish baby... 312 00:10:53,539 --> 00:10:55,306 who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure. 313 00:10:55,374 --> 00:10:56,640 Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent. 314 00:10:56,708 --> 00:10:57,908 Don't ask. 315 00:10:57,976 --> 00:10:59,609 - No one's asking you. - Phew, good. 316 00:10:59,677 --> 00:11:01,878 - I'm not into being an uncle. - You're not my brother! 317 00:11:01,946 --> 00:11:03,880 Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this? 318 00:11:03,948 --> 00:11:05,382 'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact 319 00:11:05,450 --> 00:11:06,916 that you're not freaking out! 320 00:11:06,984 --> 00:11:08,952 Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing. 321 00:11:09,019 --> 00:11:12,589 Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, 322 00:11:12,656 --> 00:11:14,291 but maybe this is fate. 323 00:11:14,358 --> 00:11:16,125 You know, maybe I hit the jackpot. 324 00:11:16,193 --> 00:11:17,926 Maybe this is the universe telling me 325 00:11:17,994 --> 00:11:20,296 that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece. 326 00:11:20,363 --> 00:11:22,164 By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt. 327 00:11:22,232 --> 00:11:24,400 Chloe. Mazel tov on your news. 328 00:11:24,468 --> 00:11:26,268 Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas. 329 00:11:26,336 --> 00:11:28,637 - You bring home a nice girl. - Right? 330 00:11:36,077 --> 00:11:37,745 So... that was crazy 331 00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:39,481 what happened with my friends, right? 332 00:11:39,548 --> 00:11:41,249 I liked it. 333 00:11:41,317 --> 00:11:42,750 Your life's like Gossip Girl, 334 00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:44,419 only everyone is old and poor. 335 00:11:44,487 --> 00:11:46,821 You know, there actually was a show like that. 336 00:11:46,888 --> 00:11:48,622 It was called Golden Girls. 337 00:11:48,689 --> 00:11:52,493 I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan... 338 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,927 Don't you think Nick is hot? 339 00:11:53,995 --> 00:11:57,430 Nick? Um... yeah, 340 00:11:57,498 --> 00:12:01,868 in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way. 341 00:12:01,936 --> 00:12:03,202 What's he like in the morning? 342 00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:04,738 Do his eyes get sleepy? 343 00:12:04,805 --> 00:12:06,106 Does he love stuff? 344 00:12:06,173 --> 00:12:08,441 I want to love what he loves. 345 00:12:08,509 --> 00:12:10,776 Do you think that we'll ever do animal style? 346 00:12:10,844 --> 00:12:12,745 Four minutes! We eat in four! 347 00:12:12,812 --> 00:12:15,480 I made you a mocktail. 348 00:12:17,083 --> 00:12:18,283 Cece, are you crying? 349 00:12:18,351 --> 00:12:20,019 No. No. 350 00:12:20,086 --> 00:12:22,287 No. I-I... I just... I don't... I don't know. 351 00:12:22,355 --> 00:12:24,823 You're an amazing woman, 352 00:12:24,891 --> 00:12:29,193 and you're going to do and be so many things in this life. 353 00:12:29,961 --> 00:12:31,062 Maybe you'll be a mom, 354 00:12:31,130 --> 00:12:34,632 and maybe... maybe not. 355 00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:37,969 But I will support you no matter what. 356 00:12:42,105 --> 00:12:43,040 Thank you. 357 00:12:43,107 --> 00:12:45,909 I also just want to give you a quick heads up. 358 00:12:46,477 --> 00:12:48,311 I'm probably going to be going on the internet 359 00:12:48,379 --> 00:12:50,147 before we have sex again, because 360 00:12:50,214 --> 00:12:52,549 I-I just... I don't want to impregnate the baby, you know? 361 00:12:52,616 --> 00:12:54,517 I mean, we could have 362 00:12:54,585 --> 00:12:57,187 a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands. 363 00:13:04,594 --> 00:13:06,195 So, Sarah and I learned 364 00:13:06,262 --> 00:13:08,764 to use the pasta maker today, which was cool. 365 00:13:08,832 --> 00:13:10,365 Are you and Nick making love? 366 00:13:10,433 --> 00:13:11,266 Hmm? 367 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:13,135 Who wants seconds? That's my question. 368 00:13:13,203 --> 00:13:15,003 Yeah, I would love seconds, Jess. That'd be great. 369 00:13:15,071 --> 00:13:16,604 If you're a boy, I'm gonna... 370 00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:19,674 I'm gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, 371 00:13:19,742 --> 00:13:23,377 Menachem Menandel, Schmerson. 372 00:13:23,445 --> 00:13:27,548 Hey! I'm watching you. 373 00:13:27,616 --> 00:13:29,217 Well, time for dessert. 374 00:13:29,284 --> 00:13:31,418 No, please don't get up. I will take care of it. 375 00:13:31,485 --> 00:13:33,620 Oh, thank you. That's so thoughtful. 376 00:13:33,688 --> 00:13:35,555 See? Thoughtful and mature. 377 00:13:35,623 --> 00:13:37,858 In your face! Yes! 378 00:13:37,926 --> 00:13:41,128 Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. 379 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,964 You win. Why don't you get on her health care plan? 380 00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:46,799 I'm so excited 381 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,135 to take this journey with you. 382 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:52,071 I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous. 383 00:13:52,139 --> 00:13:53,940 Sarah, 384 00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:56,408 do you want to go help Chloe with the dessert? I hate her. 385 00:13:56,476 --> 00:13:57,844 Oh, come on, you don't hate her. 386 00:13:57,911 --> 00:13:59,411 You don't know her well enough to hate her. 387 00:13:59,479 --> 00:14:00,813 Yes, I do! I know her. 388 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:02,280 She used to ride on my school bus. 389 00:14:02,348 --> 00:14:02,848 No, no, no, that's... 390 00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:04,149 What? 391 00:14:04,217 --> 00:14:06,618 Oh, my God, that's 392 00:14:06,685 --> 00:14:07,853 why you look so familiar! 393 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,287 You were that crazy 394 00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:10,722 little kindergartner who had, like, 395 00:14:10,790 --> 00:14:12,323 - the imaginary friends. - Oh. 396 00:14:12,391 --> 00:14:13,859 You're the skank with the skank face. 397 00:14:13,926 --> 00:14:16,161 Sarah, I know you're trying to look cool in front of you 398 00:14:16,229 --> 00:14:16,995 you know who... 399 00:14:17,063 --> 00:14:18,295 What?! You told him?! 400 00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:20,197 - No! I did not tell him. - You just told him! 401 00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,233 Oh, my God, Jess! 402 00:14:24,169 --> 00:14:25,569 What are you saying? 403 00:14:25,637 --> 00:14:27,304 When was the last time you were on a school bus? 404 00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:28,672 Last year. 405 00:14:28,740 --> 00:14:30,607 How old are you? 406 00:14:30,675 --> 00:14:33,277 18. 407 00:14:33,344 --> 00:14:34,811 Hey, you know what, Chloe? 408 00:14:34,879 --> 00:14:36,079 I actually think I subbed 409 00:14:36,147 --> 00:14:37,346 for your eighth grade English class. 410 00:14:37,414 --> 00:14:39,548 That's right! Hi, Miss Day! 411 00:14:39,616 --> 00:14:40,784 Hi. 412 00:14:44,188 --> 00:14:46,389 Well, it's a good thing I got you an extra shirt, 'cause... 413 00:14:46,456 --> 00:14:48,291 Whoa! Joe, Joe! 414 00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:49,958 Where you going? Where you going? Wait. 415 00:14:50,026 --> 00:14:52,094 Where are you going? Uh, sorry about this, man. 416 00:14:52,162 --> 00:14:54,930 Hey, don't make me chase you! Do not make me chase you! 417 00:14:54,998 --> 00:14:56,999 Joe, come back. 418 00:14:59,502 --> 00:15:01,303 Oh! Are you okay? 419 00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:03,772 Leave me alone. 420 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,307 So, come on, man. What's up? 421 00:15:06,374 --> 00:15:08,609 Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot. 422 00:15:08,677 --> 00:15:12,814 Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me. 423 00:15:12,881 --> 00:15:14,048 He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, 424 00:15:14,116 --> 00:15:15,516 he's the best at everything. 425 00:15:15,583 --> 00:15:17,451 What's he better than you at? Huh? 426 00:15:17,519 --> 00:15:20,087 Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say. 427 00:15:20,155 --> 00:15:21,988 - Probably he's better than you at that. - Well... 428 00:15:22,056 --> 00:15:22,923 He's not better than you at yard sales. 429 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,157 He's good at yard sales. 430 00:15:24,225 --> 00:15:25,391 Yeah, but he's not better than you. 431 00:15:25,459 --> 00:15:26,561 So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk 432 00:15:26,629 --> 00:15:27,829 into that studio, and you're gonna 433 00:15:27,896 --> 00:15:29,297 show him the Napoli that I saw today. 434 00:15:29,465 --> 00:15:31,433 The one that I saw grabbed seven copies 435 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,234 of Speed on VHS at a yard sale 436 00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,402 for a fraction of the retail price. 437 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,871 When's the last time Strahan did that? 438 00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,440 Boom. You're not gonna let him win. 439 00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:42,040 Yeah. You know, I'm gonna do it. 440 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,374 - I'm gonna do it. - You're gonna do it? 441 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:44,943 That guy's a b-hole. He's a b-hole! 442 00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,778 You know what? If you were a woman, 443 00:15:46,847 --> 00:15:49,949 or even dressed as a woman, man, we'd be unstoppable. 444 00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,817 Mm, mm. 445 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,819 18 years old. She was 18 years old. 446 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,087 She doesn't even know what Netscape is. 447 00:15:56,155 --> 00:15:59,224 Thinks of Ice Cube as mainly an actor. 448 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,692 This is a disaster! Ouli's downstairs. 449 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,527 She just called me. She wants to be let up. 450 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,330 Sarah's in my room, because she fell in love with you 451 00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:06,931 for some unknown reason. 452 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,867 I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia, 453 00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,400 because you make children cry. 454 00:16:10,468 --> 00:16:12,802 And you... I might as well call you 455 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:14,271 Indian In the Cupboard because 456 00:16:14,339 --> 00:16:15,939 you put an Indian in Ce... Never mind. 457 00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:18,375 I will not apologize for my powerful sperm. 458 00:16:18,442 --> 00:16:20,077 Why are young girls in love with me? I look like an old man. 459 00:16:20,144 --> 00:16:21,478 Shut up, both of you! 460 00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:22,579 We're gonna fix this, 'cause 461 00:16:22,646 --> 00:16:24,281 I'm not losing Russell because 462 00:16:24,349 --> 00:16:27,816 you two have to make and/or date babies. 463 00:16:27,885 --> 00:16:29,418 You... go stall Ouli. 464 00:16:29,486 --> 00:16:31,020 Try not to get her pregnant. 465 00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:32,421 You... come with me 466 00:16:32,489 --> 00:16:34,924 and get Sarah out of my room. Now! 467 00:16:35,992 --> 00:16:36,792 I gonna go do Ouli. 468 00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,694 - Yeah, I'm gonna go do this. - Yeah. All right. 469 00:16:42,798 --> 00:16:44,232 - Ouli? - Yeah. 470 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,167 Oh, my God, it's-it's Schmidt. 471 00:16:46,235 --> 00:16:47,735 How are you? 472 00:16:47,803 --> 00:16:49,971 Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. 473 00:16:50,039 --> 00:16:51,773 Great. 474 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,375 Yeah. Havasu. 475 00:16:53,442 --> 00:16:55,743 '99. I was on the boat, remember? 476 00:16:55,811 --> 00:16:57,379 No. 477 00:16:57,446 --> 00:16:58,745 We were just... We were part... Yeah. I... 478 00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:00,814 - Winter Olympics. Uh-huh. - No. 479 00:17:00,882 --> 00:17:02,416 2006. 480 00:17:02,483 --> 00:17:04,118 Bobsled. 481 00:17:04,185 --> 00:17:05,852 Sarah, I know that you think 482 00:17:05,921 --> 00:17:07,721 you're in love with me right now, 483 00:17:07,789 --> 00:17:10,624 but I promise you, you're going to find someone better. 484 00:17:10,691 --> 00:17:13,294 No! No, I never will. 485 00:17:13,361 --> 00:17:15,028 I can be a bit of an anchor. 486 00:17:15,095 --> 00:17:16,529 I've been known to drag women down. 487 00:17:16,596 --> 00:17:17,997 That is true. Save me. 488 00:17:18,065 --> 00:17:19,432 What? This is so entertaining. 489 00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:20,800 Okay, Jess, honestly, help me. 490 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,068 I don't know what to do. All right. 491 00:17:22,136 --> 00:17:24,337 Okay, just tell her something about 492 00:17:24,405 --> 00:17:26,205 life or something. 493 00:17:26,273 --> 00:17:27,873 Hey, Sarah? 494 00:17:28,442 --> 00:17:30,608 Sarah, I haven't loved somebody the way you love me 495 00:17:30,676 --> 00:17:35,847 in a very long time, and I miss that feeling. 496 00:17:35,915 --> 00:17:38,883 The feeling you have is good. It's just misplaced. 497 00:17:39,952 --> 00:17:42,421 It's better than being numb your whole life. 498 00:17:42,488 --> 00:17:43,922 You end up doing such weird things. 499 00:17:43,990 --> 00:17:46,390 You know what? Just stay in there. 500 00:17:46,458 --> 00:17:47,891 It's not that great out here. 501 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,260 Stay in there as long as you can. 502 00:17:49,328 --> 00:17:50,761 He's kidding, Sarah. 503 00:17:50,829 --> 00:17:52,696 You should definitely, definitely come out. 504 00:17:52,764 --> 00:17:54,798 Oh, my God. The Melman funeral? 505 00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:57,234 - No. - We were both sitting next to... 506 00:17:57,302 --> 00:17:59,337 to Un... Un-Uncle Jack? 507 00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:01,272 - Yeah, sure. - I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel... 508 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:05,475 Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca. 509 00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:08,511 - Sarah? Sarah, please come out. - Sarah, please. 510 00:18:08,579 --> 00:18:10,813 I can't come out. I'm too embarrassed. 511 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,482 In front of us? We are literally 512 00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,817 the most embarrassing people on the planet. 513 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,187 - Trust me. - Yeah, you don't have to be embarrassed around us. 514 00:18:17,254 --> 00:18:19,321 Sometimes I talk louder to blind people. 515 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:22,858 I'm 30 years old, and I've peed in every pool I've been into. 516 00:18:22,925 --> 00:18:25,694 - Every single one. - Ew. 517 00:18:25,761 --> 00:18:29,164 I originally grew these bangs 'cause I hate my forehead. 518 00:18:29,232 --> 00:18:31,633 I still think it's funny when I guy puts tennis balls 519 00:18:31,701 --> 00:18:33,202 under his shirt and pretends it's boobs. 520 00:18:34,669 --> 00:18:35,903 They look like little boobs. 521 00:18:35,971 --> 00:18:37,438 I know. 522 00:18:37,506 --> 00:18:39,173 Come on, Sarah! 523 00:18:39,241 --> 00:18:42,110 Look, I do so many stupid things. 524 00:18:42,177 --> 00:18:43,644 You don't even know. 525 00:18:43,712 --> 00:18:45,513 I mean, like, falling for your dad. 526 00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:50,117 That was... so crazy, and I understand why you're confused. 527 00:18:50,184 --> 00:18:51,918 I'm confused. 528 00:18:51,986 --> 00:18:54,554 I'm not confused. I'm stuck. 529 00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:57,124 What? Oh, my God. 530 00:18:57,191 --> 00:18:58,625 Oh. I don't know how to get them off. 531 00:18:58,692 --> 00:19:00,027 Okay. Oh, okay. I'll get the front. 532 00:19:00,094 --> 00:19:02,496 I'll get the back. 533 00:19:02,563 --> 00:19:03,963 Hey, hey, guys, she's coming. 534 00:19:04,032 --> 00:19:04,931 Ouli's coming. I failed. 535 00:19:04,999 --> 00:19:06,098 I failed. I'm sorry. Uh... 536 00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:07,866 Hi, Ouli. Um... 537 00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:11,504 Who is the man taking the bras off my daughter? 538 00:19:11,571 --> 00:19:14,106 There is a God! I've got my period! 539 00:19:14,174 --> 00:19:16,142 It's so amazing! Oh, my God. 540 00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:18,777 Mmm. I got my period. 541 00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:22,313 - She got her period. - So happy! 542 00:19:22,381 --> 00:19:24,081 Welcome to our home. Would you like a drink? 543 00:19:25,816 --> 00:19:29,785 You have a beautiful daughter and a beautiful ex-husband. 544 00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:32,187 I mean... 545 00:19:34,155 --> 00:19:35,190 Bye, Nick. 546 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:36,825 I'm kind of over you now. 547 00:19:36,892 --> 00:19:38,426 Okay. 548 00:19:39,462 --> 00:19:42,030 - Thank you. - Thanks, Jess. I had a really great time. 549 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:45,133 Thanks, Sarah. Good-bye. 550 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,001 Your mom doesn't have to know everything. 551 00:19:47,069 --> 00:19:50,104 - Heard that. Let's go. - Okay. 552 00:19:50,171 --> 00:19:51,839 - Thanks for coming by. - Oh, sure. 553 00:19:52,406 --> 00:19:54,675 - Bye, Sarah. See you at school. - Bye. 554 00:19:54,743 --> 00:19:56,076 Bye, Ouli. You ruley. 555 00:19:56,144 --> 00:19:58,011 Bye, Jess. You're a mess. 556 00:20:01,449 --> 00:20:04,483 I'm not having kids... till I'm 80. 557 00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:09,321 Now we can just go back to the way things were. 558 00:20:13,325 --> 00:20:14,493 You can go on your date. 559 00:20:16,061 --> 00:20:20,064 Right. Nicole, mm-hmm. 560 00:20:21,499 --> 00:20:23,334 No more stupid mistakes, right? 561 00:20:24,402 --> 00:20:26,036 Right. 562 00:20:27,806 --> 00:20:29,140 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 563 00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:31,176 - Go do your thing. - Yeah. 564 00:20:31,243 --> 00:20:32,777 Oh, wait. Oh, okay. 565 00:20:32,844 --> 00:20:33,945 - Okay, Cece, let's just... - Yeah. 566 00:20:34,012 --> 00:20:35,213 You know, there's a marathon downtown, 567 00:20:35,281 --> 00:20:37,314 and I don't want you to hit the traffic. - Okay. 568 00:20:37,382 --> 00:20:38,982 - Okay. Thank you. - So let's just, head down. 569 00:20:39,050 --> 00:20:40,784 - That's very thought of you. - Don't hit the top. 570 00:20:40,851 --> 00:20:42,953 Okay. All right, you in, you in, you in? Good, okay. 571 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:45,722 Terrible car for a baby anyway. 572 00:20:54,565 --> 00:20:57,699 Oh. 573 00:21:01,905 --> 00:21:04,574 I never knew Italy was so much more than pizza, Schmidty. 574 00:21:04,641 --> 00:21:06,109 It's so much more. 575 00:21:06,176 --> 00:21:09,078 She's okay. You're awesome! 576 00:21:09,145 --> 00:21:12,013 The reenactment of Pompeii really stays with you. 577 00:21:12,081 --> 00:21:13,516 What a move! 578 00:21:13,783 --> 00:21:16,418 Two shows a day. Two shows a day! How do they do it? 579 00:21:16,586 --> 00:21:18,220 Hey, if you're play a gondolier, 580 00:21:18,287 --> 00:21:20,322 you better skate like a gondolier. 581 00:21:20,389 --> 00:21:22,958 You know, Schmidty? Here's this idea. 582 00:21:23,026 --> 00:21:25,326 We should buy skaters. 583 00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:28,329 Yeah! 584 00:21:28,396 --> 00:21:30,565 Do something weird, Mussolini. We love you. 585 00:21:30,567 --> 00:21:35,735 Sync by Alice I www.addic7ed.com