1
00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:11,059
Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom
2
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:12,978
Tony the Tiger style.
3
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:14,697
- Naked with a kerchief?
- What?
4
00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:15,998
Naked with a kerchief.
5
00:00:16,065 --> 00:00:19,501
No, what do you call
top, no pants?
6
00:00:19,569 --> 00:00:21,002
Oh, that's like a Winnie
the Pooh or a Paddington.
7
00:00:21,003 --> 00:00:21,704
Honey the Smacks Frog.
8
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,088
- There's a Donald the Duck.
- I guess pretty much
9
00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:24,089
any kind of bear
except for Yogi
10
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:25,957
'cause that's naked with a tie.
11
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,542
Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
12
00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:29,711
I saw his entire butt.
13
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:31,296
Look, Dirk's a good guy.
14
00:00:31,363 --> 00:00:33,381
He was my roommate
when I was in law school.
15
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:35,917
- Smartest guy I know.
- So, he's a lawyer?
16
00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:38,053
No, he's not a lawyer,
but he does have a law degree,
17
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:39,588
a business degree,
and a master's in agriculture.
18
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,089
He's kind of like
a degree collector.
19
00:00:41,157 --> 00:00:43,558
He's got his PhD in poetry,
so...
20
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,343
That sucks for poems.
21
00:00:45,394 --> 00:00:46,761
How'd it go with Fancyman?
22
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,880
It was an amazing first date,
23
00:00:48,931 --> 00:00:51,433
except for one awkward
part at the end.
24
00:00:51,501 --> 00:00:54,553
I don't go on dates very often.
25
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:57,222
Guys my age always want
to skip the date
26
00:00:57,273 --> 00:00:59,224
and just go right for the gold.
27
00:01:00,275 --> 00:01:01,994
Which I don't give them
28
00:01:02,061 --> 00:01:04,079
because I'm stingy
with my gold.
29
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:06,031
Unless they dig for it.
30
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,569
I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.
31
00:01:11,621 --> 00:01:13,455
Oh, hi.
32
00:01:19,295 --> 00:01:21,463
Black sedan?
33
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:23,131
Uh, yeah.
34
00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:24,966
What?
35
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,752
So, he patted me on the back.
36
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:27,969
I thought I'd at least get
37
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,472
a front pat. Whoo-ha!
38
00:01:30,523 --> 00:01:31,573
What?
39
00:01:31,641 --> 00:01:32,975
Look,
40
00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:34,309
he probably just got nervous.
41
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:35,661
No, Russell's never nervous.
42
00:01:35,745 --> 00:01:37,162
That's the worst answer.
43
00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:38,363
Winston, what do you think?
44
00:01:38,448 --> 00:01:39,648
Oh, thank God.
45
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:40,949
Hey, what's up, baby?
46
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,251
- Ooh.
- Hey, is that Shelby?
47
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,370
What was that?
That was a cat sound.
48
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,406
Oh, because you did the whip,
we should've...
49
00:01:47,474 --> 00:01:48,244
- Guys!
- It should have been
50
00:01:48,245 --> 00:01:48,791
the other way around.
51
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,509
Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.
52
00:01:50,593 --> 00:01:52,994
But next time you guys
want advice about girls,
53
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,680
don't come crawling to me.
54
00:01:54,764 --> 00:01:55,848
- You got it.
- That sounds good.
55
00:01:55,932 --> 00:01:58,450
No, that was a joke; I love it
56
00:01:58,518 --> 00:02:00,586
when you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.
57
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:02,571
- And I love it...
- "One shade the more,"
58
00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,106
"One ray the less,"
59
00:02:04,173 --> 00:02:06,608
"Had half impaired
the nameless grace."
60
00:02:06,676 --> 00:02:08,644
Are you wearing
a ladies' scarf?
61
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:09,895
Come to my lecture
tomorrow night.
62
00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:12,514
Absolutely not.
63
00:02:13,565 --> 00:02:14,650
She's missing out, my man.
64
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,118
- Hey, Schmidt?
- Yeah?
65
00:02:16,185 --> 00:02:17,352
Mind if I borrow your car
to take Shelby to the airport?
66
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:19,238
Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
67
00:02:20,022 --> 00:02:22,357
Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,
68
00:02:23,408 --> 00:02:24,359
"man-bulance"?
69
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:26,078
The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready
70
00:02:26,162 --> 00:02:28,113
for the corporate team-building
retreat on Monday.
71
00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:29,882
That's cool. I'm sure the
man-bulance couldn't handle
72
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,550
all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
73
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:33,418
Ooh... What the hell is
wrong with you, Winston?
74
00:02:33,503 --> 00:02:35,721
The man-bulance could fit
the luggage of nine Shelbys.
75
00:02:35,805 --> 00:02:37,172
It has the towing capacity
76
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,607
of a thousand Shelbys.
77
00:02:38,675 --> 00:02:39,842
You know what?
Here you go, Winston.
78
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,009
There you go.
79
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:42,644
- Enjoy luxury.
- All good, man.
80
00:02:42,712 --> 00:02:44,429
I got your second set,
so thank you.
81
00:02:44,514 --> 00:02:45,898
How'd you get
my second set of keys?
82
00:02:45,982 --> 00:02:47,215
Hey, someone left
your door open.
83
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,184
Someone left
your face beautiful.
84
00:02:50,235 --> 00:02:51,386
Who is that?
85
00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:52,688
Apparently, his name is Dirk.
86
00:02:55,190 --> 00:02:57,659
Sorry, Dirk, I'm
seeing somebody.
87
00:02:57,726 --> 00:02:59,027
But should that stop you
88
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:00,362
from seeing this?
89
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:01,864
Yeah!
90
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,665
That's awesome.
Does he keep you happy?
91
00:03:03,733 --> 00:03:04,600
He does what he's told.
92
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,704
So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?
93
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,455
Oh,
94
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,074
you're a sex-cretary?
95
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:13,842
I am definitely the boss.
96
00:03:15,311 --> 00:03:17,346
Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.
97
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:18,914
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
98
00:03:18,982 --> 00:03:20,349
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
99
00:03:20,416 --> 00:03:22,050
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
100
00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,552
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
101
00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:26,104
I hate bachelorette parties.
102
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,607
I have, like 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.
103
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,192
This plane goes down,
there's gonna be
104
00:03:30,259 --> 00:03:32,644
some sharks doing
some really weird stuff.
105
00:03:32,729 --> 00:03:34,262
Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?
106
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:35,764
No, I'm going to Mexico.
I thought I told you that.
107
00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:36,932
Hmm-mm.
108
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:38,367
Well, if you don't
want me to go,
109
00:03:38,434 --> 00:03:39,952
I don't have to go.
110
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:41,820
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.
111
00:03:41,905 --> 00:03:43,372
It'll be good, you know?
112
00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:44,940
We spent the last
five nights together.
113
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,875
I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.
114
00:03:49,111 --> 00:03:50,579
Right.
115
00:03:52,615 --> 00:03:54,633
- Did I say something wrong?
- What?
116
00:03:54,717 --> 00:03:58,053
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.
117
00:04:01,290 --> 00:04:02,391
Hey.
118
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:04,726
Great news, um,
Jess is taking a shower.
119
00:04:04,794 --> 00:04:08,063
Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid ten minutes.
120
00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:09,314
Eat this granola bar first.
121
00:04:09,899 --> 00:04:12,768
I want to try something
called the horse trough.
122
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,404
No, Cece.
123
00:04:15,471 --> 00:04:17,072
I'm not having sex
with you right now.
124
00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:18,740
I have to get everybody
in the company's name
125
00:04:18,808 --> 00:04:20,259
into a version of "We
Didn't Start the Fire."
126
00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:21,526
Totally fine.
127
00:04:21,611 --> 00:04:24,029
What do you need,
like, 20 minutes?
128
00:04:24,113 --> 00:04:25,948
Cece, this...
Okay, this is real work
129
00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:29,317
for my real boss who is not you.
130
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:33,038
Oh, I get what's happening here.
131
00:04:33,122 --> 00:04:36,992
It's 'cause Ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."
132
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,127
A sex receptionist
answers calls all day.
133
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:42,464
A sex-cretary does
scheduling, light filing,
134
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:44,049
basically runs the office.
135
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,300
So, first of all,
136
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,519
thank you for the demotion.
137
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:48,670
And second of all, I quit.
138
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,272
So, I'll see you tonight.
139
00:04:50,339 --> 00:04:51,974
Did you not hear anything
I just said?
140
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,860
Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,
141
00:04:54,944 --> 00:04:59,364
but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?
142
00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:00,983
What are you doing?
143
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,017
Don't-don't-don't involve them.
144
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,318
Oh, my...
145
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,620
They just didn't hear.
146
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:05,654
Don't bring them into this.
147
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,022
Don't tell me.
148
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,291
Tell them.
149
00:05:12,661 --> 00:05:13,595
Hi.
150
00:05:13,662 --> 00:05:17,165
I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,
151
00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:18,750
I love... I love you both.
152
00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:21,837
All the zany adventures
we've had.
153
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,205
But we can't go to
White Castle today.
154
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,340
Just can't do it.
155
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,658
You're serious about this?
156
00:05:27,726 --> 00:05:28,560
Cece?
157
00:05:29,145 --> 00:05:30,378
Is Schmidt bothering you?
158
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:31,813
This is not over.
159
00:05:31,881 --> 00:05:34,616
Okay?
160
00:05:34,684 --> 00:05:36,685
Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?
161
00:05:36,736 --> 00:05:38,437
No, like a pat;
It was distinctly a pat,
162
00:05:38,521 --> 00:05:39,821
and it was actually
kind of hot.
163
00:05:39,889 --> 00:05:41,189
The man knows how
to pat a back.
164
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,941
At any point during the night,
165
00:05:43,026 --> 00:05:45,226
did you do
your Kermit the Frog imitation?
166
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:46,495
Maybe.
167
00:05:46,562 --> 00:05:47,663
Once or twice.
168
00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:49,564
No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.
169
00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:51,283
Well, what do I do?
170
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,951
I really, really want to see him
again, like, badly.
171
00:05:53,036 --> 00:05:55,170
- You just call him.
- I can't.
172
00:05:55,237 --> 00:05:56,455
He's too sophisticated.
173
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,206
He told me he'd run
with the bulls,
174
00:05:58,257 --> 00:05:59,624
and I quote,
175
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,593
"not the touristy bulls
in Pamplona."
176
00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:03,095
Big deal. Just call him.
177
00:06:03,179 --> 00:06:05,797
Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,
178
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,467
she loses her power
unless she's sexting,
179
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,719
in which case, she
gains a half power.
180
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:11,853
Okay, well,
that's Schmidt just talking...
181
00:06:11,921 --> 00:06:13,472
I mean, what does Schmidt know?
182
00:06:13,556 --> 00:06:15,423
Look, all the guys
that you live with-- boys.
183
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,559
You've only dated boys.
184
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,260
Russell is a grown man,
185
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,612
and I bet he likes women
186
00:06:20,697 --> 00:06:22,597
who know what they want
and ask for it.
187
00:06:22,665 --> 00:06:25,817
He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.
188
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,703
Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.
189
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:29,204
You've just got
to pick up the phone,
190
00:06:29,271 --> 00:06:31,556
and you ask him out for dinner.
191
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:33,291
You know what? You're right:
I am sophisticated.
192
00:06:33,376 --> 00:06:34,442
I'm gonna do this.
193
00:06:35,494 --> 00:06:36,644
What is that?
194
00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:38,130
It's a phone.
195
00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:39,081
Oh, God.
196
00:06:41,614 --> 00:06:44,866
And thus ends our journey
through the words of time.
197
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:47,785
From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,
198
00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:49,937
from Dylan to Dylan.
199
00:06:51,005 --> 00:06:52,741
They're both named Dylan.
200
00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:54,826
- Watch him bring it home, man.
- Do I have to?
201
00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:56,377
We have to rage.
202
00:06:56,444 --> 00:06:58,779
"Rage against the dying
of the light.
203
00:06:58,831 --> 00:07:00,414
"And when the light
204
00:07:00,465 --> 00:07:03,501
is no longer bright."
205
00:07:07,506 --> 00:07:11,292
"Don't think twice,
it's all right."
206
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,459
It's over.
207
00:07:15,013 --> 00:07:16,480
Smartest guy I know.
208
00:07:17,983 --> 00:07:19,633
Professor?
209
00:07:19,685 --> 00:07:20,634
- Professor?
- Yeah?
210
00:07:20,686 --> 00:07:22,019
We wanted to remind you
211
00:07:22,104 --> 00:07:24,522
about the post-lecture
wine and cheese event.
212
00:07:24,606 --> 00:07:26,107
A soiree, eh?
213
00:07:26,158 --> 00:07:27,575
Super classy.
214
00:07:27,642 --> 00:07:30,328
Crackers, bubbles,
crab, hummus.
215
00:07:30,412 --> 00:07:32,646
Yeah, I-I e-mailed
you about that.
216
00:07:32,698 --> 00:07:34,186
That was me.
- Oh, sometimes when I get
217
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,116
a really long e-mail...
218
00:07:38,803 --> 00:07:39,653
I don't read it.
219
00:07:40,789 --> 00:07:42,456
Bye.
220
00:07:43,507 --> 00:07:45,209
Oh, Mommy.
221
00:07:45,294 --> 00:07:46,761
All right,
Dirk, what about Deb?
222
00:07:46,828 --> 00:07:48,429
You guys having problems
or something?
223
00:07:48,496 --> 00:07:50,331
No, no, no, everything's fine.
224
00:07:50,882 --> 00:07:52,633
She left me and moved
out of the house.
225
00:07:52,684 --> 00:07:55,169
I guess it was "too
hard to support me."
226
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:56,637
"Financially."
227
00:07:56,639 --> 00:07:58,857
It's all fine; her leaving
has allowed me to realize
228
00:07:58,941 --> 00:08:00,642
the one thing that was
missing in my life.
229
00:08:00,693 --> 00:08:01,526
Scarves?
230
00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,395
Undergraduate ladies.
231
00:08:03,479 --> 00:08:05,313
You see, girls our age,
what do they want?
232
00:08:05,364 --> 00:08:07,348
They want us to wed them,
sire their children.
233
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,450
They want you to have
234
00:08:08,517 --> 00:08:09,901
- a-a bedframe.
- Right, yeah.
235
00:08:09,985 --> 00:08:11,453
Hmm? They want you
to eat off plates,
236
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:12,821
but girls in college
237
00:08:12,872 --> 00:08:14,188
all they want you to do
238
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:17,459
is tell them that
their photography has potential.
239
00:08:17,526 --> 00:08:19,744
Yeah, but don't they want to
hang out with guys their own age?
240
00:08:19,829 --> 00:08:21,663
Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?
241
00:08:21,714 --> 00:08:23,968
Trust me, they are setting
the bar very, very low.
242
00:08:23,969 --> 00:08:24,532
Right.
243
00:08:24,583 --> 00:08:26,399
They haven't even gone
through their gay phase yet.
244
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,168
Hey, man, I'm gonna
245
00:08:27,219 --> 00:08:28,202
give Shelby a call
really quick.
246
00:08:28,254 --> 00:08:29,537
Just want to check on her,
see if everything's all right.
247
00:08:29,588 --> 00:08:31,639
- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude, relax, okay?
248
00:08:31,707 --> 00:08:33,591
I just said we're gonna give
each other space,
249
00:08:33,676 --> 00:08:35,143
doesn't mean
I can't call her, right,
250
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:38,012
to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.
251
00:08:38,063 --> 00:08:39,514
You know what "space"
means, right?
252
00:08:39,565 --> 00:08:41,399
That's space to have sex
with other people.
253
00:08:41,484 --> 00:08:43,568
No, space means
you go to Mexico,
254
00:08:44,152 --> 00:08:45,687
and you do not have sex
with other people.
255
00:08:46,138 --> 00:08:46,888
Watch this.
256
00:08:46,939 --> 00:08:49,157
Nick, don't give my any space.
257
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,575
You got it, my man.
258
00:08:50,659 --> 00:08:52,410
See, this makes it pretty hard
259
00:08:52,495 --> 00:08:54,412
for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?
260
00:08:54,497 --> 00:08:56,080
Now, Nick, I want you
261
00:08:56,165 --> 00:08:57,415
- to give me some space.
- You got it.
262
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,084
All this space
allows me opportunity
263
00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,920
to have as much sex as we want.
264
00:09:02,004 --> 00:09:02,921
Smartest guy I know.
265
00:09:03,005 --> 00:09:04,172
See how much sex
266
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:06,674
- we could be having?
- That-that does...
267
00:09:06,742 --> 00:09:08,910
Get out of my way, bookworms!
268
00:09:08,961 --> 00:09:11,212
You ready to make love
to some college chicks?
269
00:09:11,263 --> 00:09:13,097
Hey, when's the last time
you had mono?
270
00:09:13,182 --> 00:09:14,516
I don't know.
271
00:09:14,583 --> 00:09:17,469
Tomorrow, you're
gonna say yesterday.
272
00:09:17,553 --> 00:09:19,354
I have that
team-building research
273
00:09:19,421 --> 00:09:21,088
you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
274
00:09:22,274 --> 00:09:24,776
What... are you wearing?
275
00:09:24,860 --> 00:09:26,861
I don't... I don't know.
276
00:09:26,929 --> 00:09:28,095
I mean, I found this
277
00:09:28,147 --> 00:09:30,031
at the lost and found
at the gym.
278
00:09:30,099 --> 00:09:33,284
I'm not really sure how sexy
a sex-cretary is supposed to be.
279
00:09:34,102 --> 00:09:34,903
I've never had to do this.
280
00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:36,654
I've never had
to seduce somebody before.
281
00:09:36,739 --> 00:09:38,272
If you're gonna seduce me,
282
00:09:38,324 --> 00:09:41,075
don't dress up like
my aunt Frieda at Seder.
283
00:09:42,126 --> 00:09:43,294
Come on, okay?
284
00:09:43,379 --> 00:09:45,213
I will do anything,
285
00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:47,749
and I'll do it anywhere.
286
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:48,633
All right?
287
00:09:50,503 --> 00:09:52,804
Even fantasy location...
288
00:09:53,888 --> 00:09:54,889
number three?
289
00:09:55,957 --> 00:09:56,925
Okay.
290
00:09:59,478 --> 00:10:02,597
Um, how good are the Beatles?
291
00:10:03,148 --> 00:10:04,482
Beatles are the best.
292
00:10:04,867 --> 00:10:06,300
Were you so upset
when they broke up?
293
00:10:06,852 --> 00:10:08,302
I would have been,
but I was one.
294
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,591
Well, you're not one anymore.
295
00:10:16,543 --> 00:10:17,545
How's your prostate?
296
00:10:17,596 --> 00:10:19,380
- Uh...
- I had my breast exam last week,
297
00:10:19,431 --> 00:10:20,815
and, like, they're fine.
298
00:10:21,383 --> 00:10:22,267
It's just boob in there,
299
00:10:22,351 --> 00:10:24,686
but we have to be careful.
300
00:10:24,737 --> 00:10:26,220
Our bodies are decaying.
301
00:10:26,972 --> 00:10:27,655
Are you okay?
302
00:10:27,723 --> 00:10:29,073
You seem strange.
303
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:30,441
Why didn't we kiss
the other night?
304
00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:31,442
Sorry.
305
00:10:34,563 --> 00:10:35,830
I'm sorry.
306
00:10:35,898 --> 00:10:37,916
- No, it's fine.
- Oh.
307
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,117
- What?
- Hey, I...
308
00:10:39,201 --> 00:10:41,085
- Is everything okay? Oh.
- I got to go.
309
00:10:41,170 --> 00:10:42,597
This ought to take
care of the dinner.
310
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:42,954
Yeah.
311
00:10:43,038 --> 00:10:45,740
Okay?
312
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,175
Oh, I cannot believe
I almost left
313
00:10:47,242 --> 00:10:48,459
without, um...
314
00:10:48,544 --> 00:10:49,744
Here, there's cab fare.
315
00:10:49,795 --> 00:10:50,595
- Get home safe.
- Oh.
316
00:10:56,485 --> 00:10:57,769
Baby, look, I don't want space,
okay?
317
00:10:57,853 --> 00:10:59,270
I don't want anyone
to have space.
318
00:10:59,355 --> 00:11:01,139
I want to be standing
right in front of you.
319
00:11:01,223 --> 00:11:02,941
I want the air that you breathe
320
00:11:03,025 --> 00:11:05,310
to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.
321
00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:07,428
I want to just be passing air
back and forth
322
00:11:07,479 --> 00:11:09,530
between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide
323
00:11:09,598 --> 00:11:12,116
and then we both
pass out and die.
324
00:11:16,772 --> 00:11:17,956
No flights tonight.
325
00:11:18,023 --> 00:11:20,358
Hey, Schmidt, do you mind
if I borrow your car again?
326
00:11:20,426 --> 00:11:21,826
"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."
327
00:11:21,911 --> 00:11:23,127
Thank you!
328
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,434
Nope.
329
00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:44,936
Hey, my name's Nicholas.
330
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:47,155
Nick, Nick.
331
00:11:47,222 --> 00:11:49,490
Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after party.
332
00:11:49,558 --> 00:11:50,775
Oh, I do.
333
00:11:50,859 --> 00:11:52,226
Dirk, I feel so old here.
334
00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:54,128
Is calling a girl "Shorty"
still cool?
335
00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:55,947
We just got to find your angle
with these college girls.
336
00:11:56,031 --> 00:11:58,499
Your hook, your panty-melter.
337
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,185
Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.
338
00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:03,171
You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.
339
00:12:03,238 --> 00:12:05,072
If panties were snowmen,
340
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:07,542
you were March, bro.
341
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:11,212
Hey.
342
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:12,847
- Don't-don't do this.
- Skyler, Miriam,
343
00:12:12,914 --> 00:12:14,299
- come over here for a second.
- Don't humiliate me, Dirk.
344
00:12:14,383 --> 00:12:15,883
How cool is my friend, Nick?
345
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:17,385
Are you a professor, too?
346
00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:18,686
No, no, no, I'm a bartender.
347
00:12:18,754 --> 00:12:19,854
30 years old,
348
00:12:19,921 --> 00:12:21,389
I don't have health insurance.
349
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,975
You know how to make drinks?
350
00:12:24,059 --> 00:12:25,760
Panty-melter.
351
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,895
Do I know how to make drinks,
did you say?
352
00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:29,697
Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
353
00:12:29,765 --> 00:12:31,115
Yeah, I do that professionally.
354
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,284
You could get me
drunk professionally?
355
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:34,986
Are you a cop?
356
00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:36,170
Sometimes.
357
00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,489
Do you have identification
on you?
358
00:12:47,916 --> 00:12:48,833
I gotta call Jenna
359
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,052
and tell her I'm making out
with a bartender.
360
00:12:51,119 --> 00:12:53,137
Five nights a week.
361
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:56,457
Jess, you made it to the party!
362
00:12:56,508 --> 00:12:58,342
What's going on?
Why is the cast
363
00:12:58,427 --> 00:13:00,011
of the Social Network
in our apartment?
364
00:13:00,095 --> 00:13:01,896
Dirk is a genius!
365
00:13:01,963 --> 00:13:04,399
20-year-old girls--
they think I'm awesome!
366
00:13:04,466 --> 00:13:06,017
And look at 'em!
367
00:13:06,101 --> 00:13:08,019
They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is
368
00:13:08,103 --> 00:13:09,353
and they've never felt pain.
369
00:13:10,438 --> 00:13:12,940
I'm Skyler's Fancyman!
370
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:14,108
Can you believe it?
371
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,493
Where's your Fancyman?
Where is he?
372
00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,495
I don't know.
It was horrible.
373
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:20,815
He left and gave me
$100 for a cab!
374
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,250
You know what?
375
00:13:22,317 --> 00:13:24,419
I'm gonna use the remaining 90
376
00:13:24,486 --> 00:13:26,821
to get out of here
and start a new life.
377
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:28,206
It's been nice knowing you.
378
00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:31,092
Hey...!
379
00:13:31,159 --> 00:13:32,877
I'm gonna die alone!
380
00:13:32,961 --> 00:13:34,495
Oh, no!
381
00:13:34,546 --> 00:13:37,131
I am so, so sad right now.
382
00:13:37,182 --> 00:13:39,851
My heart hurts!
383
00:13:39,935 --> 00:13:42,220
You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze?
384
00:13:42,304 --> 00:13:44,472
- 'Cause he is so smart.
- So smart.
385
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:46,507
Yes, I do. Yes, I do!
386
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,613
This.
387
00:13:52,681 --> 00:13:55,616
I'm not happy! 30 sucks!
388
00:13:55,684 --> 00:13:58,569
Ah, weird party move.
389
00:14:01,022 --> 00:14:05,460
♪ It's time
to try defying gravity ♪
390
00:14:05,527 --> 00:14:10,715
♪ I think I'll try
defying gravity ♪
391
00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:11,866
It's been two hours.
392
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,217
This is officially crazy.
393
00:14:13,302 --> 00:14:14,719
Also, I have to go
to the bathroom.
394
00:14:14,803 --> 00:14:16,137
Just pee yourself.
395
00:14:16,204 --> 00:14:17,505
So you'd rather sit in my urine
396
00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:18,973
for the rest of the car ride
397
00:14:18,975 --> 00:14:21,259
than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?
398
00:14:21,343 --> 00:14:24,061
Yep, absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.
399
00:14:24,146 --> 00:14:26,731
I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?
400
00:14:26,815 --> 00:14:28,766
Because if people find out,
401
00:14:28,851 --> 00:14:30,568
they're gonna have
a lot of questions,
402
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,687
like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"
403
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,439
And, "Seriously, why?"
404
00:14:35,524 --> 00:14:37,275
You think we have something
to ruin?
405
00:14:37,359 --> 00:14:39,827
Earlier, I was dressed
as a sex-cretary.
406
00:14:39,895 --> 00:14:42,947
And I was wearing shoulder pads.
407
00:14:43,031 --> 00:14:45,166
So I obviously
408
00:14:45,233 --> 00:14:47,368
must like sleeping with you.
409
00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:50,538
A secre-tarty.
410
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:53,124
Shut... up.
411
00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:57,979
This is pretty great.
412
00:14:58,046 --> 00:14:59,447
I'm freezing.
413
00:14:59,515 --> 00:15:01,299
- Yeah.
- I'm so cold.
414
00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:03,217
How are you not freezing?
415
00:15:03,268 --> 00:15:05,920
Does brown skin retain heat?
416
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:08,389
♪ Instead of dreary
who-you-were, well, are ♪
417
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:12,059
♪ There's nothing that can stop
you from becoming popular ♪
418
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:13,728
♪ Lar ♪
419
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,730
♪ La, la ♪
420
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,282
♪ La, ah-ah, ah... ♪
421
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:24,071
Take out your tampon
and drink, Trevor!
422
00:15:24,122 --> 00:15:27,107
The Flip Queen has spoken!
423
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:29,043
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug!
424
00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:30,494
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
425
00:15:33,748 --> 00:15:34,582
Shelby.
426
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,083
Babe, I don't want space.
427
00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:37,501
Neither do I!
428
00:15:37,586 --> 00:15:39,837
That's why
I'm at your apartment.
429
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,589
I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.
430
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,307
What?!
431
00:15:43,392 --> 00:15:45,893
Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.
432
00:15:45,961 --> 00:15:47,011
Are you serious?
433
00:15:47,095 --> 00:15:48,062
I miss you, Shelby.
434
00:15:48,129 --> 00:15:49,463
You're so sexy, girl.
435
00:15:49,514 --> 00:15:51,632
In or out of the wig.
436
00:15:51,683 --> 00:15:53,651
I don't care. Shelby.
437
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,636
You make me so feel brave, babe,
438
00:15:55,687 --> 00:15:57,738
and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.
439
00:15:58,306 --> 00:15:59,640
I love you.
440
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:03,194
And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.
441
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,645
I love you, too.
442
00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:06,647
I'm coming back, baby.
No space!
443
00:16:10,252 --> 00:16:12,286
Are you traveling with any
non-US citizens?
444
00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,707
You actually catch people
with that line?
445
00:16:16,792 --> 00:16:18,993
No, sir, just me
and my American heart...
446
00:16:20,044 --> 00:16:21,045
full of love.
447
00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:24,382
Then how do you explain...
448
00:16:26,466 --> 00:16:27,969
this?
449
00:16:29,688 --> 00:16:31,806
I can't... sir.
450
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:37,328
No one in the entire world
can explain that.
451
00:16:40,993 --> 00:16:43,328
I am so tall!
452
00:16:44,162 --> 00:16:47,081
I feel like a Chinese
basketball player.
453
00:16:47,666 --> 00:16:49,467
Russell?
454
00:16:52,087 --> 00:16:52,703
Oh.
455
00:16:59,845 --> 00:17:01,346
Hey, Jess.
456
00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:03,014
I'm not Jess.
457
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:06,401
I'm her cousin... Sylvia?
458
00:17:08,187 --> 00:17:09,437
Are you doing okay?
459
00:17:10,021 --> 00:17:11,572
I want a donut.
460
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:15,393
Then let's get you a donut.
461
00:17:15,461 --> 00:17:17,161
Please?
462
00:17:17,229 --> 00:17:20,081
I want to talk
to you... alone.
463
00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:25,118
Well, this is a fun group.
464
00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:26,704
Hmm. Can you drop me off
at my dorm?
465
00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:27,588
It's called Hamilton.
466
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:30,258
I'd like to vomit now.
467
00:17:36,415 --> 00:17:39,083
God!
468
00:17:39,134 --> 00:17:41,602
I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!
469
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:43,972
That was bad-ass!
470
00:17:44,056 --> 00:17:45,523
- Hey, uh, kiddo.
- Okay.
471
00:17:45,590 --> 00:17:47,107
- Nick, that's the road.
- What's up?
472
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,026
You want the woods.
473
00:17:48,093 --> 00:17:49,444
I want the woods.
You're smart, Russ.
474
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:50,979
- Come here.
- Hey, it was nothing.
475
00:17:51,063 --> 00:17:53,264
You're okay, Russ.
476
00:17:53,315 --> 00:17:56,401
Okay, we can hug
some more later.
477
00:17:56,452 --> 00:17:58,119
This isn't her, you know.
478
00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,787
She's not like us.
479
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,090
She's one of the good ones.
480
00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:06,494
Time to make the puke, Russell.
481
00:18:06,578 --> 00:18:08,246
So listen,
man, it's-it's really
482
00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:09,305
important to us
483
00:18:09,308 --> 00:18:11,449
that our completely equal
sexual relationship
484
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,617
where neither one of us
has the upper hand,
485
00:18:13,669 --> 00:18:16,804
uh, remain a secret,
and while I respect
486
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:19,223
the fact that you listen to
Wicked while you're alone,
487
00:18:19,291 --> 00:18:22,176
I could use that information
against you
488
00:18:22,261 --> 00:18:24,128
at any point in time.
489
00:18:24,179 --> 00:18:25,680
By the way, there's a stop sign,
like, right up...
490
00:18:25,764 --> 00:18:27,098
Is that a stop sign?
491
00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:28,700
Well, you'd probably want
to slow down...
492
00:18:28,751 --> 00:18:30,335
Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a go sign.
493
00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:31,953
I don't think it's a go sign.
494
00:18:32,037 --> 00:18:34,122
Because if somebody like you
495
00:18:34,206 --> 00:18:37,008
is sleeping with
someone like her,
496
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,210
then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!
497
00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:41,045
It's just what I'm thinking.
498
00:18:43,265 --> 00:18:44,599
And I want to talk to you.
499
00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:46,300
I want to have a chance
to explain.
500
00:18:46,385 --> 00:18:48,052
That's okay. I understand.
501
00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:50,438
I just... I thought
502
00:18:50,522 --> 00:18:53,591
you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that
503
00:18:53,642 --> 00:18:56,894
you like dating younger girls
'cause we think you're cool.
504
00:18:56,945 --> 00:18:58,196
And you know what?
505
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,448
It's working because...
506
00:19:00,532 --> 00:19:03,034
I think you're a hotty
with a body.
507
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:05,570
Oh. Um...
508
00:19:06,637 --> 00:19:08,539
I got to tell you,
I didn't ask you out
509
00:19:08,541 --> 00:19:09,590
because you're younger than me.
510
00:19:09,592 --> 00:19:11,125
I asked you out
because I like you.
511
00:19:11,710 --> 00:19:15,797
But I-I've forgotten really
how... how to do this, you know.
512
00:19:15,881 --> 00:19:18,833
I haven't dated since 1989...
513
00:19:19,917 --> 00:19:22,653
when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.
514
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:26,257
1989 was, my friend,
515
00:19:26,308 --> 00:19:29,560
the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.
516
00:19:29,628 --> 00:19:31,896
Oh.
517
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:34,182
The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.
518
00:19:34,266 --> 00:19:35,566
Sarah's with her this weekend,
519
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,101
I didn't pack her inhaler.
520
00:19:37,152 --> 00:19:38,369
She was having
an asthma attack.
521
00:19:38,437 --> 00:19:40,104
- Is Sarah okay?
- Yeah.
522
00:19:40,855 --> 00:19:42,573
Yeah. Thanks. I-I...
523
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,193
I just feel like I
should have explained.
524
00:19:45,277 --> 00:19:46,811
And I really wanted to kiss you
525
00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,646
- the other night.
- Really?
526
00:19:48,697 --> 00:19:50,698
I wanted to do more
than kiss you.
527
00:19:50,783 --> 00:19:52,483
I'd like to do you,
at some point.
528
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,118
Like, you know, really,
529
00:19:54,169 --> 00:19:55,820
really give it to you good.
530
00:19:57,656 --> 00:19:59,841
Uh, but I've forgotten
how to tell
531
00:19:59,925 --> 00:20:02,360
whether it's the right moment.
532
00:20:02,428 --> 00:20:04,162
I was nervous.
533
00:20:04,229 --> 00:20:06,130
You were nervous?
534
00:20:06,181 --> 00:20:08,499
Nick was right.
535
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:11,335
He can be really wise sometimes.
536
00:20:11,386 --> 00:20:13,054
Oh, my God, it's happening!
537
00:20:13,138 --> 00:20:15,773
It's coming!
I think I'm dying!
538
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,875
I feel scared and excited!
539
00:20:21,446 --> 00:20:22,647
What do you think?
540
00:20:22,698 --> 00:20:24,565
What do I think of what?
541
00:20:24,650 --> 00:20:26,284
Do you think now
is the right moment?
542
00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,052
I think so.
543
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,787
Okay.
544
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:32,623
Get out of me, you poison!
545
00:20:35,377 --> 00:20:37,995
Wait. Is that your hand?
546
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,797
No.
547
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,215
That's my hand.
548
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,367
- Oh, my God!
- You're welcome.
549
00:20:43,418 --> 00:20:45,503
Get out of here, Dirk!
550
00:20:45,554 --> 00:20:46,871
You get out of here...
551
00:20:46,922 --> 00:20:49,090
Come here.
552
00:20:55,063 --> 00:20:57,548
Hey!
553
00:20:57,599 --> 00:21:00,050
Oh, no!
554
00:21:00,102 --> 00:21:03,237
Where are you guys?
555
00:21:06,792 --> 00:21:08,159
Hello?
556
00:21:08,210 --> 00:21:09,527
Hey, where are you guys?
557
00:21:09,595 --> 00:21:11,879
Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?
558
00:21:11,964 --> 00:21:14,098
When does a hill
become a mountain?
559
00:21:14,166 --> 00:21:17,301
It just happened.
560
00:21:17,369 --> 00:21:18,836
I'm so cold.
561
00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:20,037
Who is this?
562
00:21:25,477 --> 00:21:28,712
Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!
563
00:21:28,764 --> 00:21:31,247
Dirk is dead!
564
00:21:33,964 --> 00:21:35,747
Greatest guy I knew.
565
00:21:35,749 --> 00:21:40,750
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