1
00:00:01,782 --> 00:00:02,849
Oh! Oh!
2
00:00:07,838 --> 00:00:08,804
L'Chaim.
3
00:00:09,156 --> 00:00:11,174
To humping.
4
00:00:12,225 --> 00:00:13,360
I was like a river.
5
00:00:13,444 --> 00:00:14,944
Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you
6
00:00:15,012 --> 00:00:17,147
along with the
current of my body?
7
00:00:17,198 --> 00:00:19,032
You were like a canoe
on my body river.
8
00:00:20,551 --> 00:00:22,535
Like you'd ever be
seaworthy with those breasts.
9
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,237
Boobies.
10
00:00:24,322 --> 00:00:26,373
I wish there was
a word that meant
11
00:00:26,457 --> 00:00:29,626
complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.
12
00:00:29,693 --> 00:00:32,629
I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.
13
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,081
That was the last time.
14
00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:36,532
You said that twice last night.
15
00:00:37,584 --> 00:00:38,001
You'll be back.
16
00:00:38,052 --> 00:00:39,419
I'm like your black tar heroin.
17
00:00:39,503 --> 00:00:42,072
You just need that sweet taste
in your veins.
18
00:00:42,139 --> 00:00:44,874
Schmidttle and the damage done.
19
00:00:45,675 --> 00:00:46,810
Neil Young, yo.
20
00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:52,215
Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.
21
00:00:55,486 --> 00:00:56,569
Schmidt?
22
00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:02,408
Oh,
23
00:01:03,092 --> 00:01:04,444
did you have a sexual guest?
24
00:01:04,528 --> 00:01:05,779
- What?
- Was it
25
00:01:05,863 --> 00:01:07,247
the same girl
from the other night?
26
00:01:08,331 --> 00:01:09,415
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- It is!
27
00:01:09,416 --> 00:01:11,832
Oh, my God. You slept with the same
girl twice in a row?
28
00:01:11,836 --> 00:01:14,287
Was it a mistake? Was she
wearing some kind of disguise?
29
00:01:14,372 --> 00:01:17,706
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with
the same girl twice in a row.
30
00:01:17,757 --> 00:01:18,758
I owe you five dollars.
31
00:01:18,843 --> 00:01:21,678
You know, I thought I heard
the door open at 3:00 a.m.
32
00:01:21,745 --> 00:01:23,746
Those are the sounds
of true love.
33
00:01:23,798 --> 00:01:25,632
- Bet she had the time of her life.
- What happened?
34
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,200
Did I miss her?
35
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:28,384
- You did.
- Man, I love meeting
36
00:01:28,385 --> 00:01:29,302
the girls you bring home.
37
00:01:29,387 --> 00:01:30,520
I like to pretend
like I'm your lover
38
00:01:30,587 --> 00:01:32,922
on the down-low,
Theodore K. Mullins.
39
00:01:33,673 --> 00:01:35,925
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?
40
00:01:36,476 --> 00:01:37,593
Where we shave each other?
41
00:01:38,145 --> 00:01:38,928
I've always
42
00:01:38,979 --> 00:01:41,231
loved you, you're my boo.
43
00:01:41,282 --> 00:01:42,399
Theodore K. Mullins
is not my type, man.
44
00:01:42,466 --> 00:01:43,900
So, you gonna
three-peat this ho?
45
00:01:43,951 --> 00:01:45,719
Who is this bitch?
We want to meet her.
46
00:01:45,786 --> 00:01:48,471
I'm not gonna parade her
around like some trophy.
47
00:01:48,539 --> 00:01:50,707
You know me,
I'm not that kind of guy.
48
00:01:51,775 --> 00:01:52,876
Oh!
49
00:01:52,943 --> 00:01:54,777
Schmidt told me this
was the front door?
50
00:01:56,897 --> 00:01:58,581
What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?
51
00:01:58,632 --> 00:01:59,382
Dwarf parts?
52
00:01:59,450 --> 00:02:00,300
Lovitz body?
53
00:02:00,384 --> 00:02:03,670
She happens to be
an incredibly beautiful woman.
54
00:02:03,754 --> 00:02:05,004
She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?
55
00:02:05,089 --> 00:02:06,956
- How big are her knuckles?
- Butter body?
56
00:02:07,007 --> 00:02:09,476
She has a Hitler moustache.
57
00:02:11,962 --> 00:02:13,179
I'm sorry, just,
58
00:02:13,764 --> 00:02:15,265
like, I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.
59
00:02:15,316 --> 00:02:16,933
I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke.
60
00:02:16,984 --> 00:02:17,901
I'm sorry.
61
00:02:17,968 --> 00:02:20,987
♪ Hey, girl
62
00:02:21,071 --> 00:02:23,072
♪ What you doing?
63
00:02:24,140 --> 00:02:26,159
♪ Hey, girl
64
00:02:26,743 --> 00:02:29,195
♪ Where you going?
65
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,581
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
66
00:02:31,648 --> 00:02:33,283
♪ Who's that girl?
67
00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:35,585
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
68
00:02:35,586 --> 00:02:40,005
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
69
00:02:41,009 --> 00:02:43,793
Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.
70
00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:45,828
Love the potato battery, Harper.
71
00:02:46,379 --> 00:02:47,463
- Good job.
- Thanks.
72
00:02:47,514 --> 00:02:49,182
Luke, I like your tree exhibit.
73
00:02:49,766 --> 00:02:51,167
Might want to think
about changing the name.
74
00:02:51,218 --> 00:02:52,302
- Okay?
- Okay.
75
00:02:53,353 --> 00:02:54,337
Whoa.
76
00:02:54,754 --> 00:02:55,889
You built a robotic arm.
77
00:02:56,273 --> 00:02:57,640
I think we know who's gonna win.
78
00:02:57,991 --> 00:02:59,692
Anyone can still win, Brianna.
79
00:03:00,277 --> 00:03:01,644
Even me, Miss Day?
80
00:03:02,945 --> 00:03:03,696
Yes.
81
00:03:04,949 --> 00:03:07,183
Okay, lunchtime.
82
00:03:16,493 --> 00:03:17,327
Can I have lunch in here?
83
00:03:17,378 --> 00:03:19,195
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?
84
00:03:19,246 --> 00:03:20,713
In the cafeteria,
85
00:03:20,798 --> 00:03:23,082
kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.
86
00:03:23,917 --> 00:03:25,651
They put pennies
in my butt crack.
87
00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:28,304
I made 46 cents.
88
00:03:28,372 --> 00:03:30,206
No, no, no, you earned that.
89
00:03:32,259 --> 00:03:33,209
Um,
90
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,227
Nathaniel,
I'm gonna help you out.
91
00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:39,799
Julia sent me a cactus.
92
00:03:41,235 --> 00:03:42,519
She's on a business trip
to China,
93
00:03:42,586 --> 00:03:44,437
and she sent it to me
out of the blue.
94
00:03:47,973 --> 00:03:48,975
I'm not an idiot.
95
00:03:49,476 --> 00:03:51,060
She's gonna break up with me.
96
00:03:51,111 --> 00:03:52,996
Who told you that?
97
00:03:53,713 --> 00:03:55,081
Did the cactus tell you that?
98
00:03:55,549 --> 00:03:57,333
Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses...
99
00:03:57,401 --> 00:03:59,669
Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.
100
00:03:59,736 --> 00:04:02,071
She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.
101
00:04:02,872 --> 00:04:03,973
Well, you can't.
102
00:04:11,515 --> 00:04:13,683
Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.
103
00:04:13,751 --> 00:04:14,851
She thinks I'm an idiot.
104
00:04:15,418 --> 00:04:16,386
Why are you watering a cactus?
105
00:04:16,437 --> 00:04:17,437
Because I'm an idiot.
106
00:04:17,521 --> 00:04:19,606
Julia sent him a cactus,
107
00:04:19,690 --> 00:04:20,723
which means
she's gonna break up with him.
108
00:04:22,476 --> 00:04:23,593
Hm.
109
00:04:23,644 --> 00:04:25,395
I'm sorry, I thought
that was a joke
110
00:04:25,446 --> 00:04:27,363
because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.
111
00:04:27,931 --> 00:04:29,032
Snap out of it, son.
112
00:04:29,099 --> 00:04:30,233
Jess, you don't get it.
113
00:04:30,284 --> 00:04:33,119
This cactus is like a symbol
114
00:04:33,203 --> 00:04:34,988
of my relationship with her.
115
00:04:35,072 --> 00:04:36,539
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
116
00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:41,711
I'm not gonna quit on this.
117
00:04:42,278 --> 00:04:43,479
I'm gonna get her back.
118
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,300
There it is.
119
00:04:47,384 --> 00:04:48,718
Look at that.
120
00:04:48,785 --> 00:04:51,554
Not bad, just fix red eye,
red eye,
121
00:04:52,122 --> 00:04:53,139
red eye.
122
00:04:53,723 --> 00:04:54,957
Send.
123
00:04:55,509 --> 00:04:56,626
Hello?
124
00:04:56,677 --> 00:04:57,793
Where are you?
125
00:04:57,845 --> 00:04:59,629
Oh, hey, Cecilia,
126
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:02,432
Did you get my junk mail?
127
00:05:02,483 --> 00:05:04,233
I'm in front of your loft.
128
00:05:04,301 --> 00:05:06,419
I know I said that last time
was the last time,
129
00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:09,472
but... you want to come down?
130
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,608
Yeah, I want to co...
131
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:12,992
Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good.
132
00:05:13,577 --> 00:05:14,543
All right.
133
00:05:16,864 --> 00:05:18,998
So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.
134
00:05:19,083 --> 00:05:20,917
I pulled a Gandhi,
a real Gandhi.
135
00:05:20,984 --> 00:05:22,669
There's a student of mine,
136
00:05:22,753 --> 00:05:24,487
he's been bullied for
the past few months,
137
00:05:24,538 --> 00:05:26,289
so after warning the kids
that there would be
138
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,491
serious repercussions
if this continued,
139
00:05:28,542 --> 00:05:31,294
I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.
140
00:05:32,546 --> 00:05:35,098
Learning minor.
141
00:05:38,602 --> 00:05:41,804
♪ He's a plump bird who prefers
the shelter of a hole ♪
142
00:05:44,308 --> 00:05:46,225
♪ He has a stubby beak
143
00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:48,027
♪ And a nervous soul
144
00:05:49,846 --> 00:05:51,748
♪ Because being chased
145
00:05:51,815 --> 00:05:53,449
♪ By predators takes its toll
146
00:05:55,852 --> 00:06:00,123
♪ Let the sad sparrow
fly on... ♪
147
00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:03,076
You think singing a song
about a kid
148
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,461
is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?
149
00:06:05,529 --> 00:06:08,414
I know 12-year-olds are vicious,
vengeful creatures.
150
00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:09,866
Middle-school girls
151
00:06:09,933 --> 00:06:11,718
literally scalp each other.
152
00:06:11,802 --> 00:06:14,053
I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.
153
00:06:14,638 --> 00:06:15,538
- What?
- But don't tell me
154
00:06:15,589 --> 00:06:16,839
music can't make a difference,
155
00:06:17,307 --> 00:06:18,007
'cause it can.
156
00:06:18,058 --> 00:06:19,542
Those kids were videotaping me
157
00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:20,760
- on their cell phones.
- Right.
158
00:06:20,844 --> 00:06:22,061
I think these kids
are gonna really
159
00:06:22,146 --> 00:06:23,546
- remember that.
- Yeah, um,
160
00:06:23,597 --> 00:06:24,880
- You know, this day.
- What's the song called?
161
00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:26,566
Um, "Sad Sparrow"
162
00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:29,569
why?
163
00:06:29,653 --> 00:06:31,404
This is why.
164
00:06:31,488 --> 00:06:34,356
♪ He's not smartest bird
or the most pretty ♪
165
00:06:37,077 --> 00:06:37,877
♪ He spreads disease
What?
166
00:06:37,961 --> 00:06:40,997
♪ Throughout the city
167
00:06:41,065 --> 00:06:43,633
Well, at least the bully's not
making fun of that kid any more.
168
00:06:43,701 --> 00:06:45,101
They're making fun of me.
169
00:06:50,557 --> 00:06:52,041
The hawk just took
a little poop on you.
170
00:06:52,092 --> 00:06:53,559
I'm not proud of myself
for saying this,
171
00:06:53,644 --> 00:06:55,228
but it's a really funny video.
172
00:06:55,312 --> 00:07:00,049
♪ Sad sparrow fly on...
173
00:07:02,991 --> 00:07:05,591
Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and Spin?
174
00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:07,610
You just said that everybody's
upstairs in the living room.
175
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:08,928
Okay, fine, what
about your place?
176
00:07:08,979 --> 00:07:10,280
My place is not
an option right now.
177
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,898
All the models are there.
178
00:07:11,949 --> 00:07:13,733
It's 12 models in two rooms.
179
00:07:13,784 --> 00:07:15,268
It's like a room full
of hungry Russians.
180
00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:17,487
Uh, yes, please,
let's go there.
181
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,989
What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?
182
00:07:20,074 --> 00:07:21,541
I can't do any
of my moves in there.
183
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,293
I like to improvise
with my body.
184
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:24,878
I'm like a sexual snowflake.
185
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,330
Each night with me is a
unique experience, Cece.
186
00:07:27,415 --> 00:07:29,615
Okay, are we gonna do this,
or not?
187
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:32,135
'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?
188
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,920
Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here
189
00:07:33,971 --> 00:07:35,305
or something we could use?
190
00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:37,657
What do I look like,
a Gypsy courtesan?
191
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,142
So, how hard are you gonna drop
192
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,894
the hammer on the kid
who did this?
193
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,430
I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna...
194
00:07:43,481 --> 00:07:45,064
open up a dialogue.
195
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,483
Not gonna work.
196
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,817
Take it from me,
I used to be a bully.
197
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,635
Ow!
198
00:07:50,187 --> 00:07:51,554
Brown lightning!
199
00:07:51,622 --> 00:07:53,907
Wow, you had a catchphrase?
Yeah.
200
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,158
You got to hit them
where it hurts.
201
00:07:55,226 --> 00:07:56,142
Thank you, Winston,
202
00:07:56,193 --> 00:07:57,310
but I have a different approach.
203
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,095
Jerk-sica?
204
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,281
My last name rhymes with "gay,"
205
00:08:01,832 --> 00:08:04,584
and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?
206
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,318
Reason.
207
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,089
Hey, Schmidt.
208
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,508
Oh, there is?
Thank you.
209
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:14,327
He says we should look
out the window.
210
00:08:14,378 --> 00:08:15,762
There's a crescent moon
out tonight.
211
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:16,713
Oh, dip, seriously?
212
00:08:24,305 --> 00:08:26,306
Why do we care
about a crescent moon?
213
00:08:27,657 --> 00:08:28,608
I don't know.
214
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,028
I'm gonna live
up there someday.
215
00:08:34,231 --> 00:08:36,533
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?
216
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,201
Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.
217
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:39,786
I miss you;
I can't wait to see you.
218
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,787
I got the cactus.
219
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,822
Thank you so much.
220
00:08:42,873 --> 00:08:44,407
I'm taking great care of it.
221
00:08:44,492 --> 00:08:45,708
Yeah, things are doing
good here.
222
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,877
Everything's really cool,
just...
223
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,548
taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.
224
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,999
So, great,
I'll see you Wednesday.
225
00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,051
You're the best around.
226
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:57,003
Nope, that's not gonna
be the one.
227
00:08:57,054 --> 00:08:59,889
Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.
228
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,140
Message received.
229
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,959
I'm the cactus.
230
00:09:03,027 --> 00:09:04,177
If you put me in the desert,
231
00:09:04,228 --> 00:09:05,512
I'll grow some needles, too.
232
00:09:05,563 --> 00:09:06,712
You bet I would.
233
00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:08,314
You bet I would.
234
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,233
FYI, I'm not high right now.
235
00:09:10,301 --> 00:09:11,985
Julia!
236
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:13,319
Julia!
237
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,188
Call me back.
238
00:09:15,239 --> 00:09:16,906
Call me back, Julia.
239
00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:18,775
Julia, it's Nick.
240
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:21,361
I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.
241
00:09:21,412 --> 00:09:22,895
So, if you get this one first,
242
00:09:22,947 --> 00:09:25,031
could you please just delete
the other ones?
243
00:09:25,082 --> 00:09:26,249
I love you.
244
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:28,284
What did I jus...?
245
00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:31,304
I don't hear anyone out there.
246
00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:32,605
I think I'm safe.
247
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,507
And I-I want you to know,
248
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,175
that was the last time, okay?
249
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:37,961
This is over.
250
00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:40,179
But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.
251
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:43,233
A little sharp
aged cheddar? Mm-hmm.
252
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,285
Manchego?
253
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,120
Maybe some buttery Gruyère?
254
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,888
You sure you want to miss out?
255
00:09:48,939 --> 00:09:50,356
I just want to...
256
00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,758
slowly peel the wax
off your Babybels.
257
00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:55,728
What are you even saying?
258
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,597
How about a little
stinky Taleggio?
259
00:09:57,648 --> 00:09:59,449
Why is this working?
260
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,818
I am so turned on right now.
261
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,453
Or maybe some cream cheese?
262
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:04,954
Want some schmear, Cece?
263
00:10:05,722 --> 00:10:06,439
You know what?
264
00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:07,607
Cece, you should go.
265
00:10:07,658 --> 00:10:09,075
Because if you have the strength
266
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:11,127
to turn all this down,
267
00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:13,546
do it.
268
00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:17,283
Yeah, I'm good.
269
00:10:20,938 --> 00:10:24,957
Hi. Who do I speak to
re: getting something removed
270
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,459
from the Internet?
271
00:10:27,010 --> 00:10:27,727
Yeah, I can hold.
272
00:10:32,316 --> 00:10:33,666
Want to party with Havarti?
273
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:35,602
Fine.
274
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,904
Give me the damn cheese.
275
00:10:48,698 --> 00:10:49,716
So, Brianna,
276
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,167
I saw the robot arm
277
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,452
in the user profile,
278
00:10:52,503 --> 00:10:54,020
so I know you made that video.
279
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,872
So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.
280
00:11:00,294 --> 00:11:02,161
Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.
281
00:11:03,213 --> 00:11:04,664
Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?
282
00:11:06,215 --> 00:11:07,934
Can we talk about you instead?
283
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,719
I'm an open book;
Ask me anything.
284
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:10,970
How come you don't have
a boyfriend?
285
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,523
And why did Mr. Genzlinger
dump you?
286
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,142
And is it true that
your boyfriend before that
287
00:11:16,193 --> 00:11:16,859
cheated on you?
288
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,361
Are you barren, Miss Day?
289
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,580
And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?
290
00:11:20,648 --> 00:11:22,365
- It's no... it's not.
- Your happiness
291
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,733
seems like a mask.
292
00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:25,851
Well, I better go.
293
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,549
What have I done?
294
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:42,885
Julia! Welcome home!
295
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,603
Hey.
296
00:11:46,154 --> 00:11:46,988
Are you okay?
297
00:11:47,072 --> 00:11:48,573
Yes, I'm okay;
Welcome back.
298
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,275
- Are you sure?
- Did you listen to all the messages?
299
00:11:50,326 --> 00:11:52,327
- I did.
- You did? That sucks.
300
00:11:52,394 --> 00:11:53,578
You know, I really
didn't mean anything.
301
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:54,829
- I know.
- I-I didn't.
302
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:56,114
Look, I got in my head, Julia,
303
00:11:56,165 --> 00:11:57,865
I thought you sent
me this cactus
304
00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:59,417
because you were
trying to tell me
305
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,185
that I can't take care
of a normal plant.
306
00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:03,705
Which, when I think about
it, I probably can't.
307
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,523
Plants freak me out.
308
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,792
I'm way better with
babies, actually.
309
00:12:07,843 --> 00:12:08,794
Hmm.
310
00:12:09,343 --> 00:12:10,094
Not that I want to have, like,
311
00:12:10,162 --> 00:12:11,495
a baby with you,
like, right now.
312
00:12:11,547 --> 00:12:13,097
- I can see us having babies.
- Please, can we not...
313
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:15,049
- I know, that's not what I mean to say.
- No, come on...
314
00:12:15,134 --> 00:12:16,851
- I'm getting weird again. What I mean
to say, - No, Nick, I need to say...
315
00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:18,136
Julia, please, I overreacted.
316
00:12:18,687 --> 00:12:20,104
I think we should break up.
317
00:12:22,973 --> 00:12:28,046
I do. I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it...
318
00:12:28,863 --> 00:12:31,816
but then after listening
to the seven...
319
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:33,234
Yeah, I know.
320
00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:34,652
...Seven, Nick,
321
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,154
- Seven, yeah.
- Separate voice mails
322
00:12:36,205 --> 00:12:37,872
about the meaning
behind the cactus,
323
00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,659
I don't know, it really
just clicked in for me,
324
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:44,195
and I just, I don't think
that we should do this any more.
325
00:12:44,246 --> 00:12:45,797
I'm really sorry.
326
00:12:53,672 --> 00:12:55,390
So I was right
about the cactus.
327
00:12:57,609 --> 00:13:00,378
Okay, what kind of crazy person
destroys a child's robot?
328
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,897
Can you bring me, like, a bunch
of Phillips head screwdrivers
329
00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:07,151
and, like, a Crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?
330
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,403
What if I'm busy?
331
00:13:10,906 --> 00:13:11,973
Thank you, Winston.
332
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:13,508
I really needed that.
333
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:15,043
It's been a really hard week.
334
00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:16,694
Hey, man,
I'm going to the beach
335
00:13:16,745 --> 00:13:19,047
to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.
336
00:13:19,114 --> 00:13:20,531
Did you know that about me?
337
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,917
What the hell is wrong with you?
338
00:13:23,002 --> 00:13:27,121
Oh, Julia dumped me,
so sad face.
339
00:13:28,206 --> 00:13:29,841
Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?
340
00:13:29,908 --> 00:13:31,292
'Cause I feel great,
I'm ready to rock,
341
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,743
but I really don't
want to be alone.
342
00:13:35,246 --> 00:13:36,047
Scissors?
343
00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:38,599
How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?
344
00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:39,550
Those are my good scissors.
345
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:40,752
Why do you have good scissors?
346
00:13:40,803 --> 00:13:44,355
You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.
347
00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:45,890
Never talks about
what goes right.
348
00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:47,108
Evolution.
349
00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:48,109
- That's it. Come here.
- You know?
350
00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:49,644
Yeah, exactly.
351
00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:52,063
I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?
352
00:13:52,114 --> 00:13:54,949
Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch The Piano later?
353
00:13:56,651 --> 00:13:57,869
Here?
354
00:13:57,936 --> 00:13:59,770
You want to do it here?
355
00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:01,906
Okay... all right.
What's the scenario?
356
00:14:01,957 --> 00:14:04,375
We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers
357
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:05,910
meeting in the bathroom.
358
00:14:05,961 --> 00:14:08,046
You want me on the can,
off the can?
359
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,464
No, I just, I just need to
360
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:10,832
pop in this party
for, like, 20 minutes.
361
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:11,999
When I come back,
we'll have sex.
362
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:13,551
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
363
00:14:13,618 --> 00:14:15,336
Oh, no. Um, I'm going
in there alone.
364
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,588
Well, what am I supposed to do?
365
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:18,673
I'll crack a window for you.
366
00:14:18,757 --> 00:14:21,008
Crack a window for me?
367
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:22,510
- Yeah.
- What am I, your sex dog?
368
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:24,429
What... what if I have to go
to the bathroom?
369
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:26,230
Why don't you just
give me a chew toy.
370
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:28,399
Come on, Schmidt, stop
being such a big baby.
371
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:31,169
Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?
372
00:14:31,236 --> 00:14:33,104
Yes. Absolutely.
373
00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:35,690
100%. I'm 100%
ashamed of you.
374
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:37,992
What-what a revelation.
375
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:40,811
Okay, come on, Schmidt, I
can't be the first woman
376
00:14:40,863 --> 00:14:42,346
who's ashamed to be with you.
377
00:14:43,414 --> 00:14:45,867
Okay, look,
I won't go into your party,
378
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,635
if...
379
00:14:47,703 --> 00:14:50,254
if you go to breakfast
with me tomorrow.
380
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:51,923
In public.
381
00:14:52,990 --> 00:14:53,908
Yeah, okay.
382
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:54,959
Oh, really?
383
00:14:55,027 --> 00:14:56,294
Really.
384
00:14:56,345 --> 00:14:57,678
I mean, I can
survive breakfast.
385
00:15:00,007 --> 00:15:01,516
I'll be back soon.
386
00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:04,602
Hey, Wendy.
How's it going?
387
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:20,034
I hope it works.
388
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,019
I didn't get a chance
to test it.
389
00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:24,071
Even broken, it's
still got a shot at top prize.
390
00:15:24,156 --> 00:15:25,740
I mean, have you seen
some of this crap?
391
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,875
"What can old
people do?"
392
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,877
"Does it taste better
with hot sauce?"
393
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:31,162
My friends.
394
00:15:31,213 --> 00:15:32,380
Guess what I just learned.
395
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:33,714
What's inside of a pumpkin.
396
00:15:34,549 --> 00:15:35,866
Apparently, a lot.
397
00:15:35,918 --> 00:15:37,051
I didn't know.
398
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,054
Whoa!
399
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,223
Winston, you have to
get him out of here.
400
00:15:42,307 --> 00:15:43,724
You see him, he's
about to blow.
401
00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:44,892
I'm not having him
by himself right now.
402
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:46,093
There's Brianna.
403
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:50,881
Hi, Brianna.
404
00:15:50,933 --> 00:15:53,017
You must be Brianna's moms.
405
00:15:53,068 --> 00:15:54,218
I'm Miss Day.
406
00:15:54,269 --> 00:15:55,520
Right. The singer.
407
00:15:55,571 --> 00:15:57,054
You're the one who sings.
408
00:15:57,105 --> 00:15:59,607
This is Brianna's project,
a robotic arm.
409
00:15:59,675 --> 00:16:01,075
Start it up, Brianna.
410
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:10,501
And a project bursts
into flames.
411
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:12,537
Brianna, what happened?
412
00:16:12,588 --> 00:16:14,405
Someone must have sabotaged it.
413
00:16:16,074 --> 00:16:18,426
Bet it was Nathaniel.
414
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,628
Hey! Get my scissors
out of your mouth!
415
00:16:20,712 --> 00:16:21,912
What is wrong with you?!
416
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,882
He's been creating problems
for our daughter.
417
00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:26,250
What are you gonna do about it?
418
00:16:26,301 --> 00:16:27,518
Nathaniel, come over here.
419
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:30,688
Um, actually, uh...
420
00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:33,307
...this is my fault.
421
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:35,977
I sabotaged the science project.
422
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,528
- You did what?
- What?
423
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,197
And it was
totally unprofessional.
424
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,098
And I'm sorry,
425
00:16:41,149 --> 00:16:44,202
but your daughter is--
how do I put this?
426
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,904
Brianna is difficult.
427
00:16:46,955 --> 00:16:49,323
Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.
428
00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:50,491
You daughter sucks.
429
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,609
Okay, she is a demon seed,
430
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,611
she is the spawn of Satan.
431
00:16:53,662 --> 00:16:55,580
And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race
432
00:16:55,631 --> 00:16:59,333
when I say that people like her
should not be building robots.
433
00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:00,718
Who are you?
434
00:17:00,785 --> 00:17:02,920
Brown lightning.
435
00:17:02,971 --> 00:17:04,455
I want her disciplined.
436
00:17:04,506 --> 00:17:06,140
No! No!
437
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:08,092
- Wonderful.
- Hey, no.
438
00:17:08,143 --> 00:17:09,393
No.
439
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,562
Why can't we all just
440
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,130
love each other, right?
441
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:15,433
What are you doing?
442
00:17:15,484 --> 00:17:17,735
Want a science project?
443
00:17:17,802 --> 00:17:20,905
How about this as a science
project: love is a myth.
444
00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,273
Why is this Earth
445
00:17:22,324 --> 00:17:24,242
so big and I am so small?
446
00:17:26,328 --> 00:17:28,112
So, yay, Earth.
447
00:17:28,163 --> 00:17:30,915
Be optimistic? Learn?
448
00:17:30,982 --> 00:17:32,617
We're all gonna die alone, so...
449
00:17:38,173 --> 00:17:39,373
- My office, 9:00 a.m.
- How embarrassing.
450
00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:40,758
I was right about the cactus.
451
00:17:46,212 --> 00:17:50,049
I assure you, I'll be watching
Miss Day very closely.
452
00:17:51,501 --> 00:17:52,985
Hey.
453
00:17:53,552 --> 00:17:54,485
Hi.
454
00:17:56,905 --> 00:17:59,107
I am so sorry, Tanya.
455
00:17:59,191 --> 00:18:00,558
Don't be.
456
00:18:00,609 --> 00:18:01,493
I love it!
457
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,995
Jess, you're a
real teacher now.
458
00:18:04,063 --> 00:18:04,863
What?
459
00:18:04,914 --> 00:18:05,997
You're a kid hater.
460
00:18:06,065 --> 00:18:07,449
You're one of us.
461
00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:10,001
Come here. Welcome.
462
00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:12,070
I'm-I'm not a kid hater.
463
00:18:14,239 --> 00:18:16,291
That's right.
464
00:18:16,375 --> 00:18:18,910
None of us are.
465
00:18:20,263 --> 00:18:21,379
Hey, Brianna.
466
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:23,715
Can I speak to you?
467
00:18:25,266 --> 00:18:26,250
Look,
468
00:18:26,302 --> 00:18:28,053
I know I'm not your
favorite teacher.
469
00:18:28,104 --> 00:18:29,271
You don't like my style.
470
00:18:29,355 --> 00:18:31,473
That's fine.
471
00:18:31,557 --> 00:18:33,308
But I'm not gonna
change who I am,
472
00:18:33,392 --> 00:18:34,893
so you're just gonna
have to deal with it
473
00:18:34,944 --> 00:18:36,778
and respect it.
474
00:18:36,862 --> 00:18:38,613
Also, you're gonna
take this paper,
475
00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:40,365
and you're gonna
sing a duet with me.
476
00:18:40,932 --> 00:18:41,650
What?!
477
00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:42,600
Oh, yeah.
478
00:18:42,652 --> 00:18:43,818
Everybody, settle down.
479
00:18:45,403 --> 00:18:46,537
Camera phones are encouraged.
480
00:18:46,605 --> 00:18:47,372
No.
481
00:18:47,439 --> 00:18:49,374
One, two, three, four.
482
00:18:49,941 --> 00:18:51,276
You really
don't want to be seen
483
00:18:51,277 --> 00:18:53,395
having breakfast
with me, do you?
484
00:18:53,462 --> 00:18:54,996
Are we even still in L.A.?
485
00:18:55,081 --> 00:18:57,799
Schmidt, you and I
are not together.
486
00:18:57,883 --> 00:19:00,218
We're not in a relationship.
487
00:19:00,285 --> 00:19:01,953
- We're just having sex.
- And I love it.
488
00:19:02,005 --> 00:19:05,273
And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.
489
00:19:08,728 --> 00:19:12,463
Look, guys are always
just showing me off,
490
00:19:12,515 --> 00:19:14,232
and I hate it.
491
00:19:14,299 --> 00:19:18,186
Look, I... I want to tell people
492
00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:22,107
because I think
that you are the dopest,
493
00:19:22,158 --> 00:19:23,575
flyest...
494
00:19:25,644 --> 00:19:29,364
...smartest, ballsiest,
bitchiest,
495
00:19:29,448 --> 00:19:31,416
truly terrifying woman
496
00:19:31,983 --> 00:19:33,418
that I have
497
00:19:33,485 --> 00:19:36,204
sexually enjoyed
in a really long time.
498
00:19:41,677 --> 00:19:43,628
Do you want
to tell the waitress?
499
00:19:43,679 --> 00:19:45,547
Uh, if I could have
everyone's attention.
500
00:19:45,631 --> 00:19:47,115
Real quick, if you could, uh...
501
00:19:47,183 --> 00:19:49,784
Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever-whatever-
502
00:19:49,852 --> 00:19:51,820
whatever that thing is.
Okay, great.
503
00:19:51,887 --> 00:19:55,273
I am having sex
with this woman right here.
504
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,175
You want to stand up?
505
00:19:57,226 --> 00:19:59,110
No. Okay, you don't want to do it?
All right, great.
506
00:19:59,178 --> 00:20:01,846
I'm enjoying myself
im-immensely.
507
00:20:01,897 --> 00:20:03,281
Uh, it's, you know,
508
00:20:03,348 --> 00:20:04,532
a physical thing,
but I am definitely,
509
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,619
for real having sex
510
00:20:07,686 --> 00:20:11,906
with this girl right here,
to completion.
511
00:20:15,577 --> 00:20:16,911
Parkour!
512
00:20:16,996 --> 00:20:18,012
Hit it!
513
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,614
Down! Hit it!
514
00:20:19,682 --> 00:20:21,466
Down! Hit it!
515
00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:24,436
Yeah.
516
00:20:28,090 --> 00:20:29,974
Hey.
517
00:20:32,428 --> 00:20:34,396
I got you a real plant.
518
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,981
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess;
I'll just kill it.
519
00:20:37,049 --> 00:20:38,683
I know.
520
00:20:38,734 --> 00:20:40,384
You're a plant killer.
521
00:20:40,436 --> 00:20:42,187
And I write songs.
522
00:20:42,238 --> 00:20:44,155
We're weirdos.
523
00:20:44,223 --> 00:20:46,191
But that's who we are.
524
00:20:46,242 --> 00:20:47,692
And that's fine.
525
00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:49,560
And you have
a giant cactus needle
526
00:20:49,612 --> 00:20:51,062
sticking out of your face.
527
00:20:51,113 --> 00:20:53,698
What? Where is it?
528
00:20:53,749 --> 00:20:56,367
Can you get it out?
Get it out. Ow.
529
00:20:56,435 --> 00:20:59,904
♪ So it's time
we all make a change ♪
530
00:20:59,955 --> 00:21:02,774
♪ Find somewhere else
for our loose change ♪
531
00:21:02,842 --> 00:21:05,543
The song is called "Let Me
Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?
532
00:21:05,611 --> 00:21:07,996
- Yeah.
- It's catchy.
533
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:09,881
I mean, the title is flawed,
there's no question about that.
534
00:21:09,949 --> 00:21:12,717
But you are kicking ass
with the comments.
535
00:21:12,784 --> 00:21:14,035
Look at this.
536
00:21:14,103 --> 00:21:15,970
"This teacher is muy caliente."
537
00:21:16,055 --> 00:21:17,989
- Hot, hot, hot.
- "I'd like to grade her on a curve."
538
00:21:18,557 --> 00:21:19,388
Yep.
539
00:21:19,392 --> 00:21:21,276
"Finally, entertainment
that doesn't
540
00:21:21,343 --> 00:21:22,711
resort to salty language."
541
00:21:22,779 --> 00:21:24,979
Finally.
542
00:21:25,047 --> 00:21:27,398
Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?
543
00:21:27,466 --> 00:21:28,799
Yes. Yes, they are.
544
00:21:28,966 --> 00:21:30,299
♪ A robot arm.
545
00:21:30,966 --> 00:21:35,999
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