1
00:00:01,404 --> 00:00:04,201
Hey, hey, hey, man,
this is my spot.
2
00:00:04,369 --> 00:00:05,502
I was here first!
3
00:00:05,554 --> 00:00:06,837
That's my space, huh?
4
00:00:06,888 --> 00:00:09,557
- This isn't Europe! Move!
- Come on. Come on, Nick.
5
00:00:09,641 --> 00:00:11,425
Maybe he's a really nice guy.
He's just having a bad day.
6
00:00:11,509 --> 00:00:12,760
I don't care if he's a nice guy.
7
00:00:12,844 --> 00:00:15,712
Get that piece of
crap out of my space.
8
00:00:15,764 --> 00:00:16,081
Don't...
9
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:17,348
Come on, dude.
Why don't you come in here,
10
00:00:17,399 --> 00:00:18,515
- Nick!
- ...take my pants off...
11
00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:19,266
...and kiss my ass?
12
00:00:20,602 --> 00:00:21,769
Oh!
Oh, my God!
13
00:00:21,853 --> 00:00:23,854
What do you got to say now? Huh?
14
00:00:23,905 --> 00:00:26,323
- Oh, my God, it's like The Wire!
- He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down.
15
00:00:26,391 --> 00:00:27,558
Oh, my God. You still think
he's a nice guy, Jess?
16
00:00:27,626 --> 00:00:28,892
That's what I thought.
17
00:00:28,944 --> 00:00:30,611
Maybe no one's ever
been nice to him.
18
00:00:30,695 --> 00:00:32,529
Maybe violence is his only tool
to express himself.
19
00:00:32,581 --> 00:00:32,954
Hi.
20
00:00:32,955 --> 00:00:34,448
Huh? Get down.
What are you doing?!
21
00:00:34,532 --> 00:00:35,499
Hi.
Don't kill us.
22
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:36,951
Don't use guns!
23
00:00:37,035 --> 00:00:38,452
Stop it. Just stop it.
Just get down.
24
00:00:38,536 --> 00:00:39,587
We're sorry.
Take the spot.
25
00:00:39,671 --> 00:00:40,671
- Sir...
- Just be submissive.
26
00:00:40,738 --> 00:00:42,239
Sorry about this guy.
27
00:00:42,290 --> 00:00:43,674
- Don't apologize...
- He's overreacting.
28
00:00:43,741 --> 00:00:46,126
I'm overreacting?
He has a gun,
29
00:00:46,211 --> 00:00:48,362
and you're dressed
like a bull's-eye.
30
00:00:48,430 --> 00:00:49,597
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
31
00:00:49,681 --> 00:00:50,981
I can't believe
this is working.
32
00:00:51,049 --> 00:00:51,543
Sorry.
33
00:00:51,544 --> 00:00:53,517
You out-crazied
a man with a gun.
34
00:00:53,584 --> 00:00:54,752
Have a good day.
35
00:00:54,819 --> 00:00:56,737
See, it worked.
36
00:00:56,805 --> 00:00:59,923
You always see
the worst in people.
37
00:00:59,975 --> 00:01:02,592
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
38
00:01:02,644 --> 00:01:04,361
♪ Who's that girl?
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
39
00:01:04,362 --> 00:01:06,780
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess.
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:06,848 --> 00:01:08,115
Here we go again.
41
00:01:08,199 --> 00:01:10,117
Another text message
from work. Look at that.
42
00:01:10,201 --> 00:01:12,620
"Tokyo call at 11:00?"
This is driving me crazy!
43
00:01:13,204 --> 00:01:14,004
What is she trying to say?
44
00:01:14,072 --> 00:01:16,323
I'm not an expert
at your industry at all,
45
00:01:16,408 --> 00:01:18,442
but, um, sounds like
there's a call.
46
00:01:18,510 --> 00:01:19,776
From Tokyo.
47
00:01:19,828 --> 00:01:20,944
Sometime today.
48
00:01:20,996 --> 00:01:22,463
Oh, wait. At 11:00.
49
00:01:22,547 --> 00:01:23,998
You don't understand.
50
00:01:24,082 --> 00:01:26,417
I've been getting a lot of mixed
signals from my boss lately.
51
00:01:26,468 --> 00:01:27,835
What is wrong with you?
52
00:01:27,902 --> 00:01:29,619
The world is not out
to seduce you.
53
00:01:29,671 --> 00:01:31,922
"And bring
me the budget reports."
54
00:01:31,973 --> 00:01:34,308
Why can't she just
say what she wants?
55
00:01:34,392 --> 00:01:36,593
What kind of sick game
is she playing?
56
00:01:36,645 --> 00:01:38,012
It's all in your head, man.
It's always in your head.
57
00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:40,014
Nonfat vanilla latte.
58
00:01:41,098 --> 00:01:43,967
We're not talking
about coffee...
59
00:01:44,519 --> 00:01:46,754
are we?
60
00:01:47,521 --> 00:01:48,822
Three, please.
61
00:01:49,407 --> 00:01:51,275
Are you sure you want me to...
62
00:01:51,326 --> 00:01:53,761
stop at three?
63
00:01:54,328 --> 00:01:55,779
I have a package for Schmidt.
64
00:01:55,830 --> 00:01:59,833
Sir, I'm very flattered,
but I must decline.
65
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,402
He said he had a package
66
00:02:02,169 --> 00:02:04,421
- for Schmidt.
- Oh, you're always
67
00:02:04,489 --> 00:02:06,423
starting fights
with everyone, Nick.
68
00:02:06,491 --> 00:02:07,958
I mean, not everyone's
out to get you.
69
00:02:08,009 --> 00:02:09,693
He had a gun, Jess!
70
00:02:09,761 --> 00:02:12,129
He was literally out to get me.
71
00:02:12,180 --> 00:02:14,765
Isn't Nick the most negative
person you've ever met?
72
00:02:14,832 --> 00:02:16,800
Absolutely, and you know
what? It all pools up
73
00:02:16,851 --> 00:02:18,969
right in that little satinous
center below his belly button.
74
00:02:19,020 --> 00:02:20,721
I mean, he's not wrong, though.
75
00:02:20,805 --> 00:02:22,556
- His life is genuinely terrible.
- You know what, Jess?
76
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,842
I guess I don't live in a world
where I smile,
77
00:02:25,893 --> 00:02:27,511
and people do
what I want them to do.
78
00:02:27,562 --> 00:02:29,279
- You never smile.
- A smile is a sign of weakness.
79
00:02:30,532 --> 00:02:31,615
No!
80
00:02:32,182 --> 00:02:33,951
All right, everybody relax.
81
00:02:43,361 --> 00:02:45,362
Get out!
82
00:02:46,413 --> 00:02:47,797
It's fixed.
83
00:02:47,864 --> 00:02:49,383
Okay, Nick,
I'm calling the landlord.
84
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:50,300
- Uh-uh.
- This is ridiculous.
85
00:02:50,368 --> 00:02:51,701
Don't call the landlord.
86
00:02:51,753 --> 00:02:52,869
We don't need him here,
and he's a jerk.
87
00:02:52,921 --> 00:02:54,805
See, here's an example.
88
00:02:54,872 --> 00:02:56,473
Maybe you never
gave him the chance
89
00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:58,092
to show you
what a great guy he is.
90
00:02:58,176 --> 00:02:59,977
Yeah, he's a terrible person.
No, Jess. He sucks.
91
00:03:00,044 --> 00:03:01,378
Don't call the landlord,
I'm serious.
92
00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:03,480
Okay.
93
00:03:05,883 --> 00:03:08,652
Hey, Kim, where
should I put this...
94
00:03:09,719 --> 00:03:12,573
budget... report?
95
00:03:12,657 --> 00:03:14,825
- On the desk.
- Yeah, um, okay.
96
00:03:14,892 --> 00:03:16,527
I'll just...
Thanks. So...
97
00:03:16,578 --> 00:03:19,263
Schmidt, my files need sorting.
98
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:24,835
Do it here... so I can watch.
99
00:03:25,902 --> 00:03:26,837
Okay.
100
00:03:26,904 --> 00:03:29,072
So, you want me to...
101
00:03:29,124 --> 00:03:31,542
sort... your files?
102
00:03:32,593 --> 00:03:33,910
Is that right?
103
00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:39,850
What are you doing?
104
00:03:39,917 --> 00:03:42,035
What am I...? Hmm? Okay.
105
00:03:42,103 --> 00:03:44,471
Because I probably got this
one wet, so I'm gonna re...
106
00:03:44,556 --> 00:03:47,391
I'm just gonna
replace all of them.
107
00:03:57,952 --> 00:04:00,571
Knock, knock.
Mr. Landlord?
108
00:04:00,622 --> 00:04:04,708
Um, I know you probably think
cupcakes are totally lame.
109
00:04:05,275 --> 00:04:06,410
I know I do,
110
00:04:06,461 --> 00:04:08,445
so if you could
do me a solid and
111
00:04:09,196 --> 00:04:10,730
take care of those extras?
112
00:04:13,467 --> 00:04:15,502
Cool office.
113
00:04:16,070 --> 00:04:17,954
I like your...
114
00:04:18,022 --> 00:04:20,256
bucket of...
115
00:04:20,324 --> 00:04:21,808
gasoline.
116
00:04:21,892 --> 00:04:23,727
It's super practical.
117
00:04:24,294 --> 00:04:25,478
What you got there?
118
00:04:27,964 --> 00:04:29,149
Broom.
119
00:04:30,968 --> 00:04:33,103
So, I live in, um, Four D...
120
00:04:33,154 --> 00:04:37,140
There are a lot of real
safety hazards in our loft.
121
00:04:37,891 --> 00:04:40,527
Nothing a little
landlording couldn't fix.
122
00:04:40,611 --> 00:04:43,279
- What do you say?
- No.
123
00:04:48,652 --> 00:04:50,920
That's a sweet picture.
124
00:04:50,988 --> 00:04:53,039
How old are your kids?
125
00:04:53,124 --> 00:04:54,541
I did that.
126
00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:58,345
It's me and my
ex-wife.
127
00:04:58,429 --> 00:04:59,996
Okay, you know what? Um...
128
00:05:00,047 --> 00:05:01,915
My roommates are really scared
of you, but I know
129
00:05:01,982 --> 00:05:03,967
you're a good man,
and I know you don't want
130
00:05:04,018 --> 00:05:05,185
the four of us living
in a dangerous apartment.
131
00:05:05,269 --> 00:05:06,854
The four of you?
132
00:05:06,938 --> 00:05:09,739
Apartment Four D, there's only
supposed to be three people.
133
00:05:12,009 --> 00:05:15,345
Oh, did I say four?
134
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:16,512
You know what?
135
00:05:16,564 --> 00:05:18,181
I was counting myself twice.
136
00:05:18,232 --> 00:05:19,699
It's so easy to do.
137
00:05:19,784 --> 00:05:22,569
Big personality
over here, so...
138
00:05:22,653 --> 00:05:24,404
gonna go...
139
00:05:26,290 --> 00:05:27,657
Hey, guys.
140
00:05:27,708 --> 00:05:28,776
I've got a fun exercise.
141
00:05:28,777 --> 00:05:30,477
I'd like everybody
to take a moment
142
00:05:30,562 --> 00:05:33,197
and think back to a time
when they did something stupid,
143
00:05:33,264 --> 00:05:35,932
how they were treated, and how
they wish they were treated.
144
00:05:35,984 --> 00:05:38,786
What did you do, Jess?
LANDLORD Open up!
145
00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:40,287
Did you talk to the landlord?
146
00:05:40,371 --> 00:05:42,939
- Little bit.
- Okay, it's happening. Guys, go.
147
00:05:42,991 --> 00:05:43,940
Ginny. Call me Ginny.
Ginny.
148
00:05:43,992 --> 00:05:45,793
Ginny. I'm Ginny.
Okay, go.
149
00:05:45,877 --> 00:05:47,161
We'll be right there. Come on, let's go.
Go, go. Okay, okay.
150
00:05:47,245 --> 00:05:48,345
Come on, this is what
we trained for, guys.
151
00:05:48,413 --> 00:05:49,797
Go! All the way,
all the way, all the way.
152
00:05:49,881 --> 00:05:51,165
Be careful with
the duvet, please.
153
00:05:51,249 --> 00:05:53,300
Shut up, Schmidt!
I'm freaking out!
154
00:05:53,384 --> 00:05:53,924
Oh, my God.
155
00:05:53,925 --> 00:05:55,752
Told you we didn't
practice this enough.
156
00:05:56,804 --> 00:05:57,754
Jess, close those up.
157
00:05:57,806 --> 00:05:59,623
- Oh, there goes the chinos.
- Oh!
158
00:06:00,674 --> 00:06:01,975
Brad. Coach.
159
00:06:04,179 --> 00:06:06,730
Oh.
Hello.
160
00:06:06,797 --> 00:06:09,233
Ginny! I had such nice
time visiting Los Angeles.
161
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,902
It's so many fancy people
with their fancy lives.
162
00:06:11,969 --> 00:06:13,237
Oh.
Hollywood!
163
00:06:13,304 --> 00:06:14,688
- Oh.
- Oh, good-bye.
164
00:06:14,772 --> 00:06:16,156
- Bye, Ginny.
- Yeah, Ginny.
165
00:06:16,241 --> 00:06:17,608
- Thank you for memories.
- Bye, Ginny.
166
00:06:17,659 --> 00:06:19,476
Ginny. You're the best, Ginny.
167
00:06:19,527 --> 00:06:21,778
- Oh, I'll miss him.
- I love Ginny.
168
00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:23,697
So, someone told me you have
four people living here.
169
00:06:24,281 --> 00:06:25,115
Well, that idiot
170
00:06:25,166 --> 00:06:27,501
probably doesn't know
what she's talking about, so...
171
00:06:27,585 --> 00:06:29,670
You don't want... you don't want
to go in the library...
172
00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:31,004
Who left the library like this?
173
00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:32,206
You kidding me?
Oh!
174
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:34,007
Know what? This is so
175
00:06:34,092 --> 00:06:36,159
embarrassing.
Who left the library like...?
176
00:06:36,211 --> 00:06:37,594
- This is a mess.
- Hey, hey, where you going, my man?
177
00:06:40,899 --> 00:06:43,300
Oh. Hello.
178
00:06:44,068 --> 00:06:45,936
Train to Panama all sold out.
179
00:06:46,703 --> 00:06:48,004
Must be the Mardi Gras.
180
00:06:51,926 --> 00:06:53,660
Good God, what is this?
181
00:06:54,228 --> 00:06:55,696
Why would you do this?
182
00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:58,065
This was Schmidt's room, okay?
He painted this.
183
00:06:58,149 --> 00:07:01,034
It is a sexually-charged,
zero-gravity tea ceremony.
184
00:07:01,119 --> 00:07:02,619
Paint over it!
185
00:07:02,687 --> 00:07:04,121
Or you pay for it.
186
00:07:04,188 --> 00:07:06,623
He's fair.
187
00:07:06,691 --> 00:07:07,958
- Who painted that?
- Giancarlo.
188
00:07:08,025 --> 00:07:09,660
Some creepo Schmidt
was obsessed with.
189
00:07:09,711 --> 00:07:11,328
He used to wear a le...
190
00:07:11,379 --> 00:07:14,498
I suggest you paint it,
and you paint it fast!
191
00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:16,032
Have fun, buddy.
192
00:07:16,084 --> 00:07:18,502
To be honest, I was expecting
a lot worse, so just...
193
00:07:19,553 --> 00:07:20,837
Four people is fine.
194
00:07:20,888 --> 00:07:23,974
Just paint over the sex wall,
and don't bother me any more.
195
00:07:24,041 --> 00:07:26,209
- Hey, sir, wait.
- Jess, let.. let him go.
196
00:07:26,961 --> 00:07:28,595
I just want to
apologize on behalf
197
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,764
of all of us for lying to you
about how many people live here.
198
00:07:30,848 --> 00:07:32,182
Stop reminding him.
199
00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:33,717
But while you're up
here, might as well
200
00:07:33,768 --> 00:07:35,051
just fix a few things.
201
00:07:36,771 --> 00:07:38,205
Please... Remy?
202
00:07:38,273 --> 00:07:41,024
How did you know my name?
They call you?
203
00:07:41,775 --> 00:07:43,159
I saw your tattoo that says,
204
00:07:43,227 --> 00:07:44,728
"Hello, My Name is Remy,"
205
00:07:44,779 --> 00:07:46,747
and I just...
I took a leap of faith.
206
00:07:46,831 --> 00:07:48,231
Look, I know
you're a good guy...
207
00:07:49,283 --> 00:07:51,084
Okay, what do you...
what do you want fixed?
208
00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:52,902
Why don't you close your eyes
and point at something?
209
00:07:53,454 --> 00:07:55,255
Her. Not you.
210
00:08:01,551 --> 00:08:02,351
Schmidt?
211
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:04,635
Yeah.
212
00:08:04,636 --> 00:08:06,503
I need you
to clean up my hard drive.
213
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:08,489
Okay, do you want
me to reformat first?
214
00:08:08,490 --> 00:08:08,973
I said,
215
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,207
I need you...
216
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:11,759
to clean up...
217
00:08:12,343 --> 00:08:13,894
my hard drive.
218
00:08:18,183 --> 00:08:19,850
I should have seen
a divorce coming.
219
00:08:19,918 --> 00:08:22,720
You know, we stopped
doing the little things, like
220
00:08:22,787 --> 00:08:24,154
talking.
221
00:08:24,222 --> 00:08:26,023
One day, we were humping.
222
00:08:26,074 --> 00:08:27,825
Then everything changed.
223
00:08:27,892 --> 00:08:29,827
We weren't humping.
224
00:08:29,894 --> 00:08:32,029
That must have been really hard.
225
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,280
You know, it was what it was.
226
00:08:33,365 --> 00:08:34,498
Come on, Remy.
227
00:08:35,565 --> 00:08:36,400
It was hard.
228
00:08:36,451 --> 00:08:38,402
- It was hard.
- Mm.
229
00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:40,871
All right, give it a shot.
230
00:08:41,422 --> 00:08:42,089
Great.
231
00:08:43,458 --> 00:08:46,210
Okay. Oh.
232
00:08:46,261 --> 00:08:47,878
Here, I'll help...
233
00:08:48,429 --> 00:08:50,080
I'll brace you. Pull back.
234
00:08:50,131 --> 00:08:51,548
- Okay.
- Use your hips. Come on.
235
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,300
- Okay...
- Oh! Oh, that's good.
236
00:08:53,385 --> 00:08:54,418
- That's it, is it?
- Okay.
237
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:55,886
That'll do it.
238
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:58,389
Hey, Jess.
239
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,357
Can I talk to you
for a minute alone?
240
00:09:01,943 --> 00:09:04,111
So, what's up? Ready
to admit you were wrong?
241
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:07,314
Hello. My name is Nick,
and I like eating crow.
242
00:09:07,399 --> 00:09:09,233
- That man wants to sleep with you.
- No, he doesn't.
243
00:09:09,284 --> 00:09:09,624
Yes, he does.
244
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:10,734
He was just showing me
how to close a closet.
245
00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:12,986
Okay, anytime a man shows
a woman how to do something
246
00:09:13,071 --> 00:09:15,105
from behind, it's just an excuse
247
00:09:15,156 --> 00:09:17,274
for him to get really close
and breathe on her neck.
248
00:09:17,325 --> 00:09:18,909
Watch any sports movie.
249
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,461
- That is not a thing.
- You mind picking up that mug?
250
00:09:22,664 --> 00:09:23,997
Oh, no, you're doing it
all wrong.
251
00:09:24,082 --> 00:09:25,332
Here, let me show you.
252
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:27,167
No, no, no. I've been
doing this for years.
253
00:09:27,252 --> 00:09:28,785
See, the way to pick
up a mug is like that.
254
00:09:28,837 --> 00:09:31,388
- You just got to relax into it.
- He wasn't doing that!
255
00:09:31,456 --> 00:09:32,456
That's exactly
what he was doing.
256
00:09:32,507 --> 00:09:34,141
You always see
the worst in people!
257
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,426
Yeah, because
people are the worst!
258
00:09:35,493 --> 00:09:38,228
Oh, five bucks!
259
00:09:38,296 --> 00:09:40,097
Look out, college.
Here I come!
260
00:09:41,733 --> 00:09:44,535
That's it.
People stink!
261
00:09:44,602 --> 00:09:46,687
You must have been
doing something.
262
00:09:46,771 --> 00:09:48,105
Are you seriously
defending the man
263
00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:49,440
who pushed me into the bushes?
264
00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:51,024
Well, people can be good.
265
00:09:51,109 --> 00:09:52,559
You just have to give them
a chance to show you.
266
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,195
Hey, little girl.
267
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,948
You like candy?
268
00:09:57,999 --> 00:09:59,983
I sure do!
269
00:10:00,034 --> 00:10:01,335
Great!
270
00:10:01,419 --> 00:10:02,503
My nana made way too much!
271
00:10:09,444 --> 00:10:11,495
Why can't you admit
you were wrong?
272
00:10:11,546 --> 00:10:14,998
I was nice, and now
he's fixing our apartment.
273
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:16,500
I'm working up
an appetite in there.
274
00:10:16,551 --> 00:10:18,335
Boy, I hope you don't mind
275
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:20,938
the smell of a real man
in your room.
276
00:10:21,005 --> 00:10:23,440
Let me know when you want
to get started on that bed.
277
00:10:23,508 --> 00:10:25,025
Okay.
278
00:10:27,345 --> 00:10:29,012
He's turning my mattress.
279
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,364
Yeah.
280
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:41,458
This is so wonderful.
281
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,045
Oh, come on.
282
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:47,264
Don't you ever wear jeans?
Honestly, you look like
283
00:10:47,332 --> 00:10:49,750
you should be distracting
James Bond at a baccarat table.
284
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,218
No, I'm actually
gonna go meet Kyle.
285
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,420
Jess loaned
her seasickness bracelets.
286
00:10:53,505 --> 00:10:56,056
Going to a party on
Greg Kinnear's boat.
287
00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:58,325
You're going
to a party on Neptune's Folly?
288
00:10:58,393 --> 00:11:00,477
Yeah, relax.
He's not going to be there.
289
00:11:00,545 --> 00:11:02,146
I know, he's in Rio
till the 16th.
290
00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:03,931
Cece,
291
00:11:04,015 --> 00:11:06,066
can I talk to you, as a...
292
00:11:06,651 --> 00:11:07,768
as a woman?
293
00:11:09,771 --> 00:11:12,022
- All right, Schmidt.
- Okay.
294
00:11:12,073 --> 00:11:14,891
My boss and I, we're running
a Pre-Sex Marathon right now,
295
00:11:14,943 --> 00:11:17,528
and I feel like we're
stuck in mile 25.
296
00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:19,663
I'm cramping, Cece,
my toenails are falling off,
297
00:11:19,664 --> 00:11:21,564
I'm peeing down my leg,
it's like I can see
298
00:11:21,565 --> 00:11:23,283
the finish line, but
I just can't get there.
299
00:11:23,284 --> 00:11:24,568
I need to put one
of these on right now.
300
00:11:24,619 --> 00:11:26,236
The problem is
is we don't talk.
301
00:11:26,287 --> 00:11:28,738
I don't know what
she's thinking.
302
00:11:28,790 --> 00:11:31,008
Should I make a move or not?
303
00:11:31,075 --> 00:11:32,909
Stop asking permission
and go get it.
304
00:11:33,461 --> 00:11:34,595
That's what I would want.
305
00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:39,032
There's nothing less sexy than a
dude asking if he can kiss you.
306
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,300
Nothing? I mean, what if
307
00:11:40,385 --> 00:11:42,302
I ate my own hair
and pooped out a wig?
308
00:11:42,387 --> 00:11:45,022
What if I called my mom after
sex to describe it to her?
309
00:11:45,089 --> 00:11:46,390
What if I had a croissant blog?
310
00:11:46,441 --> 00:11:47,257
Two of these now.
311
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:50,611
Hey, Bob Ross,
how's painting going?
312
00:11:50,695 --> 00:11:52,396
Going absolutely
fantastic, Schmidt,
313
00:11:52,447 --> 00:11:54,698
because everything is easy...
314
00:11:54,765 --> 00:11:58,669
"when you are a battleship,
invading the Bay of Success."
315
00:11:58,736 --> 00:12:00,320
- What?
- I have here
316
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:03,073
Schmidt's New Year's
resolutions from 2007.
317
00:12:03,124 --> 00:12:05,042
- Oh, please, read on.
- Read my favorite one.
318
00:12:05,109 --> 00:12:06,326
"Stop pursuing Caroline.
319
00:12:06,411 --> 00:12:07,995
"She's Nick's girl.
320
00:12:08,079 --> 00:12:09,186
- Deal with it.
- "Deal with it."
321
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:09,463
Wow!
322
00:12:09,547 --> 00:12:10,881
- She's my girl.
- Okay, where'd you find that?
323
00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:12,249
Do not ever stop reading this.
324
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,468
I was very young.
And drunk.
325
00:12:14,552 --> 00:12:16,887
Were you too drunk to "begin
the search for the cocoon..."
326
00:12:16,888 --> 00:12:17,471
Cocoon.
327
00:12:17,555 --> 00:12:19,956
...that will one day
release your butterfly"?
328
00:12:20,008 --> 00:12:21,558
No, it does not say that one!
329
00:12:21,626 --> 00:12:23,143
- That's number three.
- Come on!
330
00:12:23,228 --> 00:12:25,178
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Maybe I just got
331
00:12:25,263 --> 00:12:28,131
bored painting over
your interplanetary ass dojo.
332
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:29,349
This is my favorite.
333
00:12:29,434 --> 00:12:31,351
"Find out where Winston
gets his sparkle,
334
00:12:31,936 --> 00:12:33,186
- and then steal it."
- Oh!
335
00:12:33,271 --> 00:12:35,272
Steal his...!
You were gonna steal my sparkle?
336
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:36,657
Give me that.
337
00:12:36,741 --> 00:12:38,191
The funniest thing
just happened.
338
00:12:38,276 --> 00:12:39,326
I was watching Remy fix
339
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:42,145
the sink, and I got
totally soaked.
340
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,330
You were so wet!
341
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:44,498
Man overboard!
342
00:12:44,582 --> 00:12:46,033
So I invited Remy over
343
00:12:46,117 --> 00:12:48,001
for dinner to thank him
for all the stuff
344
00:12:48,086 --> 00:12:49,703
he's been doing around
the apartment. Who's in?
345
00:12:49,787 --> 00:12:52,339
- I gotta... I...
- I got a boat, so...
346
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:56,093
So, I guess it'll
just be me and Jess.
347
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,629
Oh, no, Remy.
348
00:12:58,696 --> 00:13:00,264
I changed my mind;
I'll be there.
349
00:13:00,831 --> 00:13:02,165
Just watching you.
350
00:13:07,024 --> 00:13:09,108
Remy brought a bottle of...
351
00:13:10,193 --> 00:13:11,161
this?
352
00:13:11,212 --> 00:13:13,246
I ferment things
in the basement.
353
00:13:13,331 --> 00:13:14,715
I also make cheese.
354
00:13:14,799 --> 00:13:16,366
Hm, you're not
drinking that, Jess.
355
00:13:16,417 --> 00:13:18,585
Yes, I am, Remy made it.
356
00:13:20,705 --> 00:13:22,372
Ahhh.
357
00:13:22,423 --> 00:13:23,840
- Think you can handle some, Nick?
- Oh, I'm okay.
358
00:13:23,891 --> 00:13:25,892
Somebody needs to stay sober
to fight you later.
359
00:13:25,977 --> 00:13:27,511
Nick, be nice;
How hard could it be
360
00:13:27,562 --> 00:13:29,146
to just open yourself
up a little bit?
361
00:13:29,213 --> 00:13:30,230
Dip your toe
362
00:13:30,315 --> 00:13:31,598
in the pool of possibilities.
363
00:13:31,683 --> 00:13:32,516
Yeah, Nick.
364
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:34,318
Dip your toe.
365
00:13:34,885 --> 00:13:36,353
You guys have a lot in common.
366
00:13:36,404 --> 00:13:38,221
Nick went through
a break-up last year
367
00:13:38,289 --> 00:13:39,489
that was really hard on him.
368
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:40,557
Schmidt said your mom
had to fly out.
369
00:13:40,608 --> 00:13:42,109
That was a scheduled trip.
370
00:13:42,193 --> 00:13:45,362
Did you smell your girl
on your sheets for months
371
00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:47,164
until they were
too soaked through
372
00:13:47,231 --> 00:13:49,066
with your own sweat and tears?
373
00:13:49,633 --> 00:13:51,118
- No.
- Did you punch out
374
00:13:51,202 --> 00:13:54,287
all the windows until you hit
the wall and broke your hand?
375
00:13:54,372 --> 00:13:57,457
Did you go out, looking
for companionship,
376
00:13:57,542 --> 00:13:59,242
a little human warmth,
377
00:13:59,293 --> 00:14:02,245
only to come to in the woods
covered in animal blood?
378
00:14:03,748 --> 00:14:05,632
In my own way.
379
00:14:05,717 --> 00:14:07,134
Come here, man.
380
00:14:10,754 --> 00:14:12,105
- It's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
381
00:14:15,143 --> 00:14:18,428
Well, I guess I'll just go home
and open a bottle of wine.
382
00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:23,116
Yeah, I'll probably
just do the same.
383
00:14:57,819 --> 00:14:59,152
I want you.
384
00:14:59,237 --> 00:15:00,237
Now.
385
00:15:00,304 --> 00:15:01,971
Finally.
386
00:15:12,116 --> 00:15:14,984
No, no, no, no,
she wanted me to! Oh, dip!
387
00:15:15,036 --> 00:15:17,120
No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him!
She wanted me to! Consensual, guys!
388
00:15:17,171 --> 00:15:18,455
Tap out, ow, tap out!
389
00:15:21,325 --> 00:15:23,293
Oh, man, tonight is just...
390
00:15:23,344 --> 00:15:27,330
I-I honestly didn't know if
I'd ever enjoy myself again.
391
00:15:27,681 --> 00:15:30,467
So... thanks.
392
00:15:31,018 --> 00:15:31,768
Bathroom break.
393
00:15:34,337 --> 00:15:35,471
See?
394
00:15:35,522 --> 00:15:36,840
I was right.
395
00:15:36,891 --> 00:15:38,508
- What do you mean, you're right?
- You're wrong.
396
00:15:38,559 --> 00:15:41,361
You see the way he's buttering
me up so he can move in on you?
397
00:15:41,446 --> 00:15:43,313
Why can't you just admit
that you were wrong?
398
00:15:43,364 --> 00:15:44,948
How have you lived
this long on your own?
399
00:15:45,015 --> 00:15:47,067
There is no part of that man
that wants to sleep with me.
400
00:15:47,151 --> 00:15:49,453
- He's been creeping on you all night.
- No, he hasn't been.
401
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,620
- Open your eyes, like, I'm worried...
- No!
402
00:15:53,925 --> 00:15:56,877
Oh...
403
00:15:57,661 --> 00:15:59,996
Hey, Remy, what happened
to your pants?
404
00:16:00,047 --> 00:16:02,432
I've never done a threesome.
405
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,701
That's what
we're doing here, right?
406
00:16:07,204 --> 00:16:09,806
This I did not expect.
407
00:16:12,516 --> 00:16:14,433
I love watching
you be wrong, Jess.
408
00:16:14,484 --> 00:16:16,018
I might've been a little
bit off about Remy,
409
00:16:16,603 --> 00:16:19,471
but people are generally good,
and I'm not wrong about that.
410
00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:20,906
Jess, people are jerks.
411
00:16:20,973 --> 00:16:22,491
He is hurting
from his divorce...
412
00:16:22,575 --> 00:16:24,610
Are you still making
excuses for this guy?
413
00:16:24,661 --> 00:16:26,912
Well, look, if you feel so
bad, then just get in there.
414
00:16:26,979 --> 00:16:30,949
Just dip your toe into
the pool of possibility.
415
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,368
Hey, Remy, let's
get weird and toss
416
00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:35,454
that ball around, huh?
417
00:16:36,873 --> 00:16:38,323
- So turned on.
- Okay, you would
418
00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:40,459
seriously have a
threesome with that man
419
00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:41,760
just to get me to
admit that I'm wrong?
420
00:16:41,828 --> 00:16:43,378
I think we could do
a lot worse than Remy.
421
00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:45,497
He's got strong arms.
422
00:16:50,386 --> 00:16:52,437
Let's have a threesome.
423
00:16:57,777 --> 00:16:59,344
Ugh...
424
00:17:02,148 --> 00:17:05,350
All right, so, a menage
a trois is about
425
00:17:05,401 --> 00:17:07,803
- three of us... trois...
- Sure.
426
00:17:07,871 --> 00:17:09,454
...Menage-ing fully.
427
00:17:09,522 --> 00:17:10,372
- Oui.
- Okay.
428
00:17:10,456 --> 00:17:13,458
This is happening with this guy.
429
00:17:13,526 --> 00:17:15,460
This is happening
right now, Jess.
430
00:17:15,528 --> 00:17:16,745
- Yeah.
- So, it's gonna get
431
00:17:16,830 --> 00:17:18,530
even a little more
uncomfortable.
432
00:17:18,581 --> 00:17:20,549
We just have to keep talking
with each other, all right?
433
00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,417
Around and communicating.
434
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:23,836
Let's get some
relax music going.
435
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:25,754
- Great idea, great idea.
- Okay? All right.
436
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,923
Thank you. Why can't you just
admit that he's a good guy?
437
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:30,309
We are about to have a menage a
trois 'cause you won't admit
438
00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:33,376
- you're wrong. You're out of your mind.
- I'm just saying he's a good guy.
439
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,480
Yeah, get into it.
440
00:17:35,548 --> 00:17:37,065
I am so into this.
441
00:17:37,150 --> 00:17:38,851
I can't wait till
we're all menage-ing.
442
00:17:38,902 --> 00:17:41,052
- Are you into this, Jess?
- Yeah.
443
00:17:41,104 --> 00:17:42,888
Say you're wrong.
No, turn this up. It's great.
444
00:17:42,939 --> 00:17:44,990
Say it's over, and it's over.
445
00:17:45,057 --> 00:17:46,892
Don't get nervous, Nick.
446
00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:49,328
This is just a regular
conversation we're having.
447
00:17:49,395 --> 00:17:50,729
- Oh, yeah.
- Except I'm rubbing your back.
448
00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,447
- That's right.
- And then I'm going to start
449
00:17:52,532 --> 00:17:54,666
unbuttoning your pants,
450
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,585
and then I'm gonna
451
00:17:56,669 --> 00:17:58,453
unbutton my shirt.
452
00:17:58,538 --> 00:18:00,906
I'm not gonna take my
underpants off, though.
453
00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:02,741
Not right away, I'm gonna
keep my underpants on
454
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:05,410
until I let you take my
underpants off, Nick.
455
00:18:05,461 --> 00:18:07,462
Okay? Because you
456
00:18:07,547 --> 00:18:09,721
are gonna be the
underpants captain tonight.
457
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,415
Makes sense.
458
00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:12,250
Great choice, Remy.
459
00:18:12,302 --> 00:18:14,770
Nick will make a fantastic
underpants captain.
460
00:18:14,854 --> 00:18:16,555
- Let's bring it in.
- Okay.
461
00:18:16,606 --> 00:18:18,256
You two get us started.
462
00:18:18,308 --> 00:18:19,858
- Me and Jess get it started?
- Yeah.
463
00:18:19,926 --> 00:18:21,311
- All right?
- Us two...
464
00:18:21,426 --> 00:18:22,594
- Go ahead.
- ...getting it started.
465
00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:23,762
You know what to do.
466
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:25,030
Breathe into each other.
467
00:18:25,097 --> 00:18:26,264
- Oh, yeah, Jess.
- I'm not here.
468
00:18:26,316 --> 00:18:28,450
Relax into the menage.
469
00:18:28,534 --> 00:18:30,202
Let's get this started, Nick.
470
00:18:30,269 --> 00:18:30,939
- You doing this?
- Yes.
471
00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:31,403
Come together.
472
00:18:31,454 --> 00:18:32,704
- Are you doing this? Cause I'm...
- Yes.
473
00:18:32,772 --> 00:18:33,906
- I will do it.
- All right, okay.
474
00:18:33,957 --> 00:18:34,957
- We're gonna do it.
- Then let's do this.
475
00:18:35,041 --> 00:18:36,325
Nick, I will do this.
476
00:18:36,409 --> 00:18:37,542
Say that you're wrong,
and it's over.
477
00:18:37,610 --> 00:18:38,627
- I'm not wrong.
- Jess, you can't do this.
478
00:18:38,711 --> 00:18:40,545
- But I can.
- Okay.
479
00:18:40,613 --> 00:18:41,713
Let's do this, Nick.
480
00:18:41,781 --> 00:18:42,831
- Let's do it, Jess.
- I can do it.
481
00:18:42,916 --> 00:18:43,832
No, okay!
482
00:18:43,917 --> 00:18:45,634
Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong.
483
00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:47,719
Yes! Yes!
484
00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:49,137
I'm sorry, Remy.
485
00:18:49,722 --> 00:18:50,756
What, we're not doing this?
486
00:18:50,807 --> 00:18:52,057
- No.
- We're not doing it.
487
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:53,175
I get it, cold
feet is just, you know,
488
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:54,810
- it's part of the journey, so...
- Whoa!
489
00:18:54,894 --> 00:18:56,511
What is going on in here?
490
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,965
All right, I am not
ready for a four-way.
491
00:19:00,016 --> 00:19:02,484
That's, uh, I'm-I'm...
492
00:19:02,568 --> 00:19:04,069
I'm out of this.
493
00:19:07,273 --> 00:19:09,358
To be honest, I'm kind
of riding a weird ego high.
494
00:19:10,742 --> 00:19:11,710
Why didn't you tell me
495
00:19:11,778 --> 00:19:13,695
four people couldn't live
in this apartment?
496
00:19:13,780 --> 00:19:16,832
If we're gonna do a shenanigan,
I'm fine with doing shenanigans.
497
00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:18,200
I love shenanigans,
498
00:19:18,284 --> 00:19:19,551
as long as no one gets hurt.
499
00:19:21,587 --> 00:19:23,171
Okay, just so we're clear,
500
00:19:23,256 --> 00:19:24,656
we're gonna have to live
with this, right?
501
00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,792
- Yep.
- Absolutely.
502
00:19:27,743 --> 00:19:29,461
Hey, Kim?
503
00:19:29,512 --> 00:19:30,963
Look, I just wanted to
apologize for yesterday.
504
00:19:31,014 --> 00:19:33,782
I hope you didn't get into
too much trouble, I just...
505
00:19:33,850 --> 00:19:36,635
I really don't want
to lose my job, okay?
506
00:19:36,686 --> 00:19:39,021
I've worked at Associated
Strategies for six years.
507
00:19:39,605 --> 00:19:42,007
Nothing means more
to me than Ass Strat.
508
00:19:42,058 --> 00:19:43,392
Your lip is bleeding.
509
00:19:43,459 --> 00:19:45,176
It opens back up when I talk.
510
00:19:45,228 --> 00:19:49,014
Look... Kim, this wasn't
your standard 2:00 a.m.
511
00:19:49,065 --> 00:19:51,199
mistaken assault
in the parking garage.
512
00:19:51,284 --> 00:19:53,318
I've had a thing for you
every since I was
513
00:19:53,369 --> 00:19:54,987
the husky kid in the mailroom.
514
00:19:55,038 --> 00:19:57,356
And if...
if you don't believe me...
515
00:19:57,423 --> 00:19:59,458
here you go.
516
00:19:59,525 --> 00:20:01,376
Straight from '07.
Read resolution number four.
517
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:02,995
It's about you.
518
00:20:03,046 --> 00:20:07,683
"Only think about hot new C.F.O.
Every other time I masturbate."
519
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:09,835
I did not live up
to the challenge.
520
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:13,371
Number seven: "Start floating
idea that people call me"
521
00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:16,091
"Mr. Finish/Garee Time Jones/
522
00:20:16,159 --> 00:20:18,593
- The Hook-up-erator."
- Can I...?
523
00:20:18,678 --> 00:20:21,897
Number nine: "Just pick a color
of Crocs and buy them already."
524
00:20:21,981 --> 00:20:23,281
Okay, thank you.
525
00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:26,217
Hey.
526
00:20:27,569 --> 00:20:30,706
Go into the conference room
and dial me into the Tokyo call.
527
00:20:30,773 --> 00:20:32,374
Now.
528
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,062
Yeah.
529
00:20:49,742 --> 00:20:51,676
Pants! Pants!
530
00:21:16,202 --> 00:21:17,452
...five, six...
531
00:21:17,537 --> 00:21:20,756
I dialed you into the Tokyo
conference call.
532
00:21:24,077 --> 00:21:28,463
Yo... you look awesome.
533
00:21:32,301 --> 00:21:33,602
My door is always open.
534
00:21:36,186 --> 00:21:41,221
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com