1
00:00:01,258 --> 00:00:03,883
Your sheets are so soft.
2
00:00:04,023 --> 00:00:06,438
They've actually been in my
family for almost 40 years.
3
00:00:06,478 --> 00:00:07,181
Wow!
4
00:00:07,225 --> 00:00:09,553
If these old things could talk, huh?
- Ew.
5
00:00:09,663 --> 00:00:11,171
I was just trying
to paint a picture.
6
00:00:11,238 --> 00:00:12,572
Read the room.
7
00:00:12,623 --> 00:00:14,457
Sheez.
8
00:00:16,076 --> 00:00:17,594
Hey, Julia.
- Hey.
9
00:00:17,678 --> 00:00:20,130
It's so fun having
another girl around here.
10
00:00:20,214 --> 00:00:21,931
There are tampons hidden
all over the apartment.
11
00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,918
Ah! Damp towel! Damp!
12
00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:28,021
Here we go...
- It's like a really big Wet-Nap.
13
00:00:28,088 --> 00:00:32,225
Ah. I feel like I'm being licked
by a golden retriever.
14
00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:33,893
Look at this bathroom.
15
00:00:33,944 --> 00:00:35,445
There should not be two girls
in this bathroom.
16
00:00:35,529 --> 00:00:38,097
You're too humid.
You make everything damp.
17
00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:39,949
80% of the products in here
are yours.
18
00:00:40,034 --> 00:00:41,868
Blah, blah, blah,
yawn, yes.
19
00:00:41,935 --> 00:00:43,736
I use sculpting chutney.
20
00:00:43,788 --> 00:00:46,772
Once I'm done with my chutney,
back in the row it goes.
21
00:00:46,824 --> 00:00:48,608
Hair everywhere...
- Yo.
22
00:00:48,659 --> 00:00:50,610
The multicolored rubber bands.
23
00:00:50,661 --> 00:00:52,762
I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.
24
00:00:52,830 --> 00:00:54,898
But a damp towel
is where I draw the line.
25
00:00:54,965 --> 00:00:57,300
Sorry, so what are your
thoughts on damp towels?
26
00:00:57,384 --> 00:00:59,369
Oh, you'd better watch it,
Nick's Overnight Guest.
27
00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:00,904
Julia.
- I know your name.
28
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,373
Are you flexing, right now?
- No.
29
00:01:05,467 --> 00:01:06,264
- Hey.
- Hey.
30
00:01:06,311 --> 00:01:07,177
So, I'm gonna just get ready
in your room.
31
00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:09,212
Sure. Feeling a little weird
and uncomfortable in here?
32
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,181
Hey, Julia,
I'll see you later tonight.
33
00:01:11,248 --> 00:01:12,782
Yeah. See you later.
34
00:01:12,850 --> 00:01:14,901
She's helping me get out
of a traffic ticket.
35
00:01:14,968 --> 00:01:16,853
Jess, are you seriously using
the girl I'm sleeping with
36
00:01:16,937 --> 00:01:18,588
for free legal advice?
37
00:01:18,656 --> 00:01:20,973
Oh, I'm sorry,
the girl you're sleeping with?
38
00:01:21,025 --> 00:01:22,759
I mean, you can't
call her your girlfriend?
39
00:01:22,827 --> 00:01:25,662
We're not labeling it.
- Oh, you're not labeling it,
40
00:01:25,729 --> 00:01:27,280
'cause you're too sophisticated.
41
00:01:27,331 --> 00:01:28,765
Don't do your
"sophisticated guy."
42
00:01:28,833 --> 00:01:30,667
That's now how
a sophisticated man dances.
43
00:01:30,734 --> 00:01:31,768
How does
a sophisticated man dance?
44
00:01:31,836 --> 00:01:34,637
♪ I'm too sophisticated
45
00:01:34,705 --> 00:01:37,924
♪ I don't believe
in labeling. ♪
46
00:01:37,991 --> 00:01:40,030
You gotta get laid, man.
- You gotta get laid, man.
47
00:01:40,078 --> 00:01:40,968
Yeah, I need to get laid.
48
00:01:40,984 --> 00:01:43,112
This is bad.
- Get out of here.
49
00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:45,465
♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
50
00:01:45,516 --> 00:01:47,183
♪ Who's that girl?
51
00:01:47,251 --> 00:01:48,991
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
52
00:01:49,921 --> 00:01:51,856
You know,
maybe I should call Shelby.
53
00:01:51,923 --> 00:01:53,433
I haven't seen her since
I got back from Latvia.
54
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,091
We did have an amazing time
together.
55
00:01:55,159 --> 00:01:58,228
Whoo! That was amazing.
56
00:01:58,295 --> 00:02:01,281
Yeah.
- All right, bye.
57
00:02:01,348 --> 00:02:02,632
I'm gonna call her.
58
00:02:02,716 --> 00:02:05,585
Yeah, over in Latvia
59
00:02:05,636 --> 00:02:08,021
they had this fermented milk
stuff that they drink.
60
00:02:08,088 --> 00:02:11,357
Whole country runs on the stuff.
Called.
61
00:02:12,922 --> 00:02:14,608
was definitely
one of my biggest endorsements.
62
00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:15,852
I mean, I have a lot
of endorsements,
63
00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:17,514
but that was probably
my biggest endorsement
64
00:02:17,581 --> 00:02:19,100
amongst other endorsements
that I had.
65
00:02:19,124 --> 00:02:19,975
Wow.
66
00:02:20,017 --> 00:02:22,252
So, um... your place or mine?
67
00:02:25,156 --> 00:02:27,440
What are we laughing at?
68
00:02:27,491 --> 00:02:30,059
How much I'm not going
home with you tonight.
69
00:02:32,296 --> 00:02:35,748
You show up after two
years, out of the blue,
70
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,700
and all you do is
talk about yourself.
71
00:02:37,768 --> 00:02:40,136
You don't even let me
get a word in edgewise.
72
00:02:40,204 --> 00:02:42,705
Why did you agree to let me
take you out for drinks?
73
00:02:42,773 --> 00:02:45,124
Winston, you took me
out for a drink
74
00:02:45,192 --> 00:02:47,460
at the place where I work!
75
00:02:47,511 --> 00:02:49,462
Here's your bill.
76
00:02:49,513 --> 00:02:51,764
Thanks for the water.
77
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,469
Man, I told you to get yourself
whatever you wanted.
78
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,988
You chose water.
79
00:02:59,056 --> 00:03:00,690
Have a seat.
80
00:03:00,774 --> 00:03:02,075
Okay.
81
00:03:02,142 --> 00:03:04,494
Let me get you a blanket.
82
00:03:04,578 --> 00:03:06,812
Why would I want
a blanket right now?
83
00:03:06,864 --> 00:03:09,032
Just to get toasty.
Oh.
84
00:03:11,652 --> 00:03:14,170
Would you like a cookie,
or a cupcake? I made them.
85
00:03:14,255 --> 00:03:16,506
Oh, no. I'm okay.
I'm not really a dessert person.
86
00:03:16,590 --> 00:03:18,875
I just don't eat it, usually.
- Okay. Okay.
87
00:03:18,959 --> 00:03:21,377
I'm just gonna put this,
88
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,129
like, right here.
89
00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:25,265
I don't... okay.
Just...
90
00:03:25,332 --> 00:03:26,599
Why don't you
just take me through
91
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:27,884
what happened with the ticket?
92
00:03:27,968 --> 00:03:29,135
Okay.
- They got a photo of you?
93
00:03:29,186 --> 00:03:30,603
♪ At the scene of the crime
94
00:03:30,671 --> 00:03:31,804
♪ Meh, meh, meh, meh.
95
00:03:32,857 --> 00:03:35,174
Is this it?
96
00:03:35,226 --> 00:03:37,310
Yeah.
- Okay.
97
00:03:37,361 --> 00:03:40,813
Hmm. This may actually be
kind of hard to argue with.
98
00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:43,015
Well, there's actually more
there than meets the eye.
99
00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:44,183
Um, there was a bird--
he's not in the shot--
100
00:03:44,235 --> 00:03:46,286
but he was injured,
101
00:03:46,353 --> 00:03:49,072
and he couldn't get out of the
road, and so I braked, and then
102
00:03:49,156 --> 00:03:50,657
I had to accelerate
out of the intersection.
103
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,458
You missed your first
court date on this.
104
00:03:52,526 --> 00:03:54,627
My ex-boyfriend failed
to send it to me
105
00:03:54,695 --> 00:03:56,362
before the court date,
106
00:03:56,413 --> 00:03:57,914
because he doesn't
believe in mail,
107
00:03:57,998 --> 00:03:59,883
which has to do with his
thoughts on government spending.
108
00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:01,834
Now it's an $800 fine.
109
00:04:01,886 --> 00:04:04,420
That's why I need, like, a
really awesome lawyer, like you.
110
00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,307
So... can you help me?
111
00:04:07,374 --> 00:04:09,759
I mean, I can try.
You never know.
112
00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:12,011
A judge might buy into
this whole thing, so...
113
00:04:12,062 --> 00:04:14,430
What "whole thing"?
114
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:15,982
Your whole thing.
115
00:04:16,049 --> 00:04:19,068
With the cupcakes,
and the braking for birds,
116
00:04:19,153 --> 00:04:22,021
and... bluebirds come and
help me dress in the morning.
117
00:04:22,072 --> 00:04:23,823
Oh, I didn't know
I was doing a thing.
118
00:04:23,890 --> 00:04:26,326
It's a great thing.
I mean, the big,
119
00:04:26,393 --> 00:04:28,745
beautiful eyes,
like a scared baby.
120
00:04:28,829 --> 00:04:31,030
I'm sure that gets you
out of all kinds of stuff.
121
00:04:31,081 --> 00:04:35,702
Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral
vision's, like, almost too good.
122
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,506
Hey, so...
123
00:04:40,574 --> 00:04:42,408
living here,
it's probably fun, right?
124
00:04:42,459 --> 00:04:44,043
Yeah.
- There are, like, lots of girls
125
00:04:44,094 --> 00:04:45,511
coming in and out
of this place?
126
00:04:45,579 --> 00:04:48,247
Schmidt's like Ellis
Island in the 1800s.
127
00:04:48,299 --> 00:04:49,515
He accepts everyone.
128
00:04:49,583 --> 00:04:52,552
Yeah, and...
Winston and Nick...
129
00:04:52,603 --> 00:04:55,271
I probably shouldn't...
130
00:04:55,356 --> 00:04:57,690
Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
- Plead the Fifth!
131
00:04:57,758 --> 00:04:59,892
No, that's not what...
- Objection!
132
00:04:59,944 --> 00:05:02,278
Nick, hey!
- Hey, Julia!
133
00:05:02,363 --> 00:05:03,479
You want to hang out in your room?
- Sure.
134
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,264
Jess, if you'll excuse us,
135
00:05:05,316 --> 00:05:07,400
Julie's about to be
very disappointed.
136
00:05:07,451 --> 00:05:09,902
Okay, so I will look at
this stuff some more,
137
00:05:09,954 --> 00:05:12,121
I-I'll call some people,
see what I can do.
138
00:05:12,206 --> 00:05:13,906
Here's your blankie back.
139
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,495
Power blazer. Hey.
Ha ha.
140
00:05:21,498 --> 00:05:22,999
What's going on with the ticket?
141
00:05:25,786 --> 00:05:27,387
She has a problem
with me, Nick.
142
00:05:27,454 --> 00:05:29,756
Okay? She doesn't like me.
- What are you talking about?
143
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,224
You don't understand,
'cause you're a guy.
144
00:05:31,291 --> 00:05:33,726
She does not have a problem
with you. She's just...
145
00:05:33,794 --> 00:05:36,179
Nick, your girlfriend's
not a dessert person.
146
00:05:37,798 --> 00:05:40,066
Hmm.
147
00:05:43,187 --> 00:05:45,799
She said you have
"a whole thing"?
148
00:05:45,865 --> 00:05:47,299
I'm sorry,
she doesn't like desserts?
149
00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:48,868
Where is she right now?
150
00:05:48,936 --> 00:05:50,970
Look, I think
I know what she meant.
151
00:05:51,038 --> 00:05:52,572
I mean, you do like girly stuff.
152
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,008
I mean, it kind of
freaked me out at first.
153
00:05:55,075 --> 00:05:58,011
When I met you, you were
wearing a hat made of ribbons.
154
00:05:58,078 --> 00:06:00,447
My ribbon hat.
I love that hat.
155
00:06:00,514 --> 00:06:02,715
Screw her. And I'm gonna
wear that ribbon hat.
156
00:06:02,783 --> 00:06:03,950
Go get it, right now.
157
00:06:04,018 --> 00:06:05,652
Be right back.
158
00:06:05,719 --> 00:06:07,720
Whoa. There she is.
159
00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:09,589
Nick, where is this bitch?
160
00:06:09,657 --> 00:06:11,958
Gonna smack that lawyer learning
right out of her mouth.
161
00:06:12,026 --> 00:06:13,326
Okay, this is getting excessive,
guys.
162
00:06:13,394 --> 00:06:15,395
She's actually helping her
get out of a ticket.
163
00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:18,031
By being condescending
and judgmental?
164
00:06:18,098 --> 00:06:19,365
What did she say?
165
00:06:19,433 --> 00:06:21,835
Ugh, just drop it, Nick.
166
00:06:21,902 --> 00:06:23,636
Okay, what did Julia do wrong?
167
00:06:23,704 --> 00:06:25,071
It's just how girls
fight sometimes.
168
00:06:25,139 --> 00:06:26,439
There's a lot unsaid.
169
00:06:26,507 --> 00:06:27,774
Like one time,
a girl said to me,
170
00:06:27,842 --> 00:06:29,075
"Jess, you rock a
lot of polka dots."
171
00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:30,743
Ooh. How did she say it?
172
00:06:30,811 --> 00:06:32,846
"Jess, you rock
a lot of polka dots."
173
00:06:32,913 --> 00:06:34,948
That is diabolical.
I'm really sorry.
174
00:06:35,015 --> 00:06:36,282
And it ruined our friendship.
175
00:06:36,350 --> 00:06:38,318
I mean, I couldn't get over
the polka dot incident.
176
00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:39,619
Warning! Spoiler alert.
177
00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:41,154
Somebody unplugged
my dehumidifier
178
00:06:41,222 --> 00:06:42,789
to plug in their flatiron.
179
00:06:42,857 --> 00:06:45,358
I will be putting my
dehumidifier, and my towel,
180
00:06:45,426 --> 00:06:48,094
in my room,
where nothing ever gets wet.
181
00:06:48,162 --> 00:06:50,797
All right, you know what, Jess?
Julia's one of those girls
182
00:06:50,865 --> 00:06:52,866
where she doesn't have,
like, a lot of girl friends.
183
00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:55,668
Because she thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.
184
00:06:55,736 --> 00:06:57,804
So blind!
- Look, all I know
185
00:06:57,872 --> 00:06:59,606
is she's totally
up front with me.
186
00:06:59,673 --> 00:07:01,875
No subtext, no codes.
187
00:07:01,942 --> 00:07:04,177
Oh. Okay. So did she
come right out and ask you
188
00:07:04,245 --> 00:07:05,578
if you were seeing other girls?
189
00:07:05,646 --> 00:07:07,447
Because... she asked me.
190
00:07:10,551 --> 00:07:13,520
She did?
- You didn't know that?
191
00:07:13,587 --> 00:07:16,122
'Cause I thought you guys were
so up front with one another.
192
00:07:16,190 --> 00:07:17,951
I thought you guys told
each other everything.
193
00:07:17,952 --> 00:07:18,391
Yeah.
194
00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:20,793
She told him she didn't
want to label it.
195
00:07:20,861 --> 00:07:21,794
Oh. I mean,
that's a classic move,
196
00:07:21,862 --> 00:07:23,530
even in the lesbian community.
197
00:07:29,303 --> 00:07:30,904
What are we talking about?
198
00:07:30,971 --> 00:07:32,539
Did you just hear the phrase
"lesbian community"
199
00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:33,773
and come running
out of your room?
200
00:07:33,841 --> 00:07:35,608
I did. Uh...
201
00:07:35,676 --> 00:07:36,843
question, for you.
202
00:07:36,911 --> 00:07:38,811
This community you speak of,
203
00:07:38,879 --> 00:07:40,847
do the ladies look, uh...
204
00:07:40,915 --> 00:07:44,317
more like this one
or, you know...
205
00:07:44,385 --> 00:07:46,553
kind of Nickish?
Aw, shut up, Schmidt.
206
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:48,521
I did date a woman
who looked a lot like Nick.
207
00:07:48,589 --> 00:07:50,890
You did. Felicia.
208
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,360
Why can't you just admit
that she's your girlfriend?
209
00:07:54,428 --> 00:07:56,129
I know, I just thought
210
00:07:56,196 --> 00:07:58,398
it was uncomplicated,
and now I'm freaking out.
211
00:07:58,465 --> 00:08:00,199
I'm not good at
being a boyfriend.
212
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:02,101
I'm good at being that guy
that you find yourself
213
00:08:02,169 --> 00:08:03,436
spending more and more time with
214
00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:05,071
until you meet your husband.
215
00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:08,308
All right. So, so far,
Nick Miller's list of fears is
216
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:12,111
sharks, tap water,
real relationships.
217
00:08:12,179 --> 00:08:13,479
And blueberries.
- Barkeep.
218
00:08:13,547 --> 00:08:15,014
Get this man a drink.
219
00:08:15,082 --> 00:08:17,517
Ladies, he hasn't had sex
in four months.
220
00:08:17,585 --> 00:08:18,751
Come and get it, ladies.
221
00:08:18,819 --> 00:08:20,763
I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
- Why?
222
00:08:20,803 --> 00:08:21,990
It didn't go well with Shelby?
223
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,790
I gotta say, I thought
it would be easy.
224
00:08:23,857 --> 00:08:25,525
You know? Maybe...
225
00:08:25,593 --> 00:08:27,694
maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.
226
00:08:27,761 --> 00:08:29,462
Maybe it's always
been about basketball.
227
00:08:29,530 --> 00:08:31,130
Yeah, you don't have any game.
228
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,732
It's always been because
you play basketball.
229
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,434
Are you seriously just realizing
that you don't have game?
230
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:36,769
What is your secret, man?
How do normal guys get girls?
231
00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:39,672
Let's not say "normal." Just,
you know, say what it is-- "average."
232
00:08:39,740 --> 00:08:41,441
You've had the most game,
out of any of us.
233
00:08:41,508 --> 00:08:42,909
Because for years now,
234
00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:44,811
you've been working
with absolutely nothing.
235
00:08:44,878 --> 00:08:46,012
He makes a good point.
- Okay.
236
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,847
I've been working with nothing.
- Zilch.
237
00:08:47,915 --> 00:08:49,015
You're right, I've got nothing.
238
00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:51,284
Except this.
239
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:57,090
Ow.
240
00:08:57,157 --> 00:08:58,524
Oh, my God.
241
00:08:58,592 --> 00:09:00,326
Miller! No Cocktail!
242
00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:01,594
Sorry, Julio.
243
00:09:01,662 --> 00:09:04,430
Julia! Hey, Julia!
244
00:09:04,498 --> 00:09:05,665
Hey.
245
00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:07,066
Ooh. You guys are using names?
246
00:09:07,134 --> 00:09:10,036
That's not too labelly for you?
247
00:09:10,104 --> 00:09:11,871
Hey.
Hey, hey, Jules.
248
00:09:11,939 --> 00:09:13,139
Hey.
249
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:15,141
Thought I'd drop by
and say hello.
250
00:09:15,209 --> 00:09:17,010
Oh, I didn't know
we were doing drop-bys.
251
00:09:17,077 --> 00:09:18,578
Uh...
252
00:09:18,646 --> 00:09:20,847
Here's a scenario
that's paid sexual dividends,
253
00:09:20,914 --> 00:09:22,482
particularly
in the Asian markets,
254
00:09:22,549 --> 00:09:25,451
and I think, Jess,
you can back me up on this.
255
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:27,053
Inform her that
you're an aerialist
256
00:09:27,121 --> 00:09:28,388
for the Cirque du Soleil.
257
00:09:28,455 --> 00:09:30,023
Winston, just ask questions,
258
00:09:30,090 --> 00:09:31,724
pay attention to her,
listen to her,
259
00:09:31,792 --> 00:09:33,493
don't listen to him.
260
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,495
Oh, believe me, I don't
take advice from Schmidt.
261
00:09:35,562 --> 00:09:37,296
Never have, never
will. Ever.
262
00:09:37,364 --> 00:09:39,399
So Jess told me what
263
00:09:39,466 --> 00:09:42,502
you asked her yesterday.
- What?
264
00:09:42,569 --> 00:09:44,804
That you asked if I was
sleeping with other people.
265
00:09:44,872 --> 00:09:48,508
That is not even...
I... what?
266
00:09:48,575 --> 00:09:51,077
I don't want to play games.
- That's not what happened, okay?
267
00:09:51,145 --> 00:09:53,446
I just said something to her,
because I was feeling
268
00:09:53,514 --> 00:09:54,814
kind of guilty,
because I'm, uh...
269
00:09:54,882 --> 00:09:56,916
I'm dating other people,
and I just, you know...
270
00:09:56,984 --> 00:09:59,552
wanted to see if you were also
dating other people.
271
00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:00,653
You're dating other people?
- Yeah, yeah.
272
00:10:02,623 --> 00:10:04,624
No. No, I'm seeing
other people, too.
273
00:10:04,692 --> 00:10:07,293
Good. Good.
274
00:10:07,361 --> 00:10:09,328
I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.
275
00:10:09,396 --> 00:10:12,432
Except instead of mail,
it's hot sex that I deliver.
276
00:10:12,499 --> 00:10:14,300
I've had to start carrying,
like,
277
00:10:14,368 --> 00:10:16,169
athletic shoes in my purse,
278
00:10:16,236 --> 00:10:19,372
'cause I have to sprint from
one sexual encounter to another.
279
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,606
Can't wear heels.
280
00:10:20,674 --> 00:10:22,909
Well, I'm having sex right now.
281
00:10:22,976 --> 00:10:24,310
Under the bar.
282
00:10:24,378 --> 00:10:25,745
And she's on top.
283
00:10:25,813 --> 00:10:27,180
So figure that out.
284
00:10:28,916 --> 00:10:31,017
Was that her?
- Yeah.
285
00:10:31,085 --> 00:10:32,218
Well, great.
Great.
286
00:10:32,286 --> 00:10:33,419
Then we're both doing
the exact same thing.
287
00:10:33,487 --> 00:10:34,954
And we're on the same page.
288
00:10:35,022 --> 00:10:36,422
Kudos for not putting
labels on things.
289
00:10:36,490 --> 00:10:38,224
That is exactly what I want.
- It's my dream.
290
00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:39,792
Just going to go to
the bathroom really quickly.
291
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,594
Okay. Great.
292
00:10:51,171 --> 00:10:53,106
Hey. Julia?
293
00:10:53,173 --> 00:10:54,607
Are you serious?
294
00:10:54,675 --> 00:10:56,275
Did Nick say some stuff to you?
295
00:10:56,343 --> 00:10:57,977
Because I'm really sorry,
and I want to explain...
296
00:10:58,045 --> 00:10:59,579
Why would you tell him
that I said that?
297
00:10:59,646 --> 00:11:01,214
Do you know what that
makes me look like?
298
00:11:01,281 --> 00:11:02,715
Um...
299
00:11:02,783 --> 00:11:03,950
I see what you're doing.
300
00:11:04,017 --> 00:11:05,284
I know that I'm
301
00:11:05,352 --> 00:11:06,586
the mean lawyer girl
302
00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:08,955
who wears suits
and works too much
303
00:11:09,022 --> 00:11:11,891
and you... you're
the really fun teacher girl
304
00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:15,528
with all the colorful skirts
and you bake things.
305
00:11:15,596 --> 00:11:17,597
And eventually, Nick
is going to come running to you
306
00:11:17,664 --> 00:11:19,932
and you'll tuck him in
under his blankie and...
307
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,634
What is it with you
and the blankie thing?
308
00:11:21,702 --> 00:11:23,736
I never said the word blankie.
309
00:11:23,804 --> 00:11:25,738
I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.
310
00:11:25,806 --> 00:11:28,374
If I acted the way that you act
when I was at work,
311
00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:29,742
nobody would listen to me.
312
00:11:29,810 --> 00:11:31,544
Well, if I acted
like you at work,
313
00:11:31,612 --> 00:11:33,079
my students would turn in
314
00:11:33,147 --> 00:11:34,881
really weird,
dark dioramas, so...
315
00:11:34,948 --> 00:11:37,183
I don't like you.
316
00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:39,952
And I don't want
to be your friend, so...
317
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:41,554
Fine.
- Can you leave, please?
318
00:11:41,622 --> 00:11:43,756
Because...
319
00:11:43,824 --> 00:11:46,392
I am about to start crying,
320
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:47,660
and you are the last person
321
00:11:47,728 --> 00:11:50,196
that I want to cry in front of.
322
00:11:50,264 --> 00:11:52,465
I want to cry, to, and...
323
00:11:52,533 --> 00:11:54,133
where am I supposed to cry?
324
00:11:54,201 --> 00:11:56,803
You can't monopolize
the bathroom crying space.
325
00:11:56,870 --> 00:11:58,104
Please go.
326
00:12:04,578 --> 00:12:06,646
What are you doing, Jess?
327
00:12:06,713 --> 00:12:08,414
Get out!
- I'm sorry.
328
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,979
Winston, what are you doing?
- Ba, ba, ba, ba,
329
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,330
ba, ba.
330
00:12:21,415 --> 00:12:23,699
I have come here
to listen to you.
331
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,334
Should I have interrupted you
to tell you that?
332
00:12:25,419 --> 00:12:27,119
Probably not.
333
00:12:27,171 --> 00:12:28,654
So how...
how are you?
334
00:12:28,705 --> 00:12:31,123
Tell me about your life,
and how is everything?
335
00:12:31,175 --> 00:12:33,593
Winston, what am I
supposed to do?
336
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:36,128
I was a booty call
for two years,
337
00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:38,214
and then I was
nothing for two years.
338
00:12:38,298 --> 00:12:40,683
You show up bragging
after all this time
339
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:41,934
like nothing has changed.
340
00:12:42,002 --> 00:12:43,469
What do you want me to think?
341
00:12:44,671 --> 00:12:46,005
That I'm an idiot.
342
00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:47,890
And you know what?
343
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:50,176
You're right, and I'm sorry.
344
00:12:50,244 --> 00:12:52,979
It's just that since I've
stopped playing ball,
345
00:12:53,030 --> 00:12:55,615
I realize I'm not
that good at this.
346
00:12:55,682 --> 00:12:57,733
And, quite frankly,
you are way out of my league.
347
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,485
That is clear now.
348
00:12:59,536 --> 00:13:03,706
But... I do hope this is not
the last time I see you,
349
00:13:03,790 --> 00:13:06,742
but whatever you want,
I'm cool with.
350
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:09,045
I got to get back to work.
351
00:13:09,129 --> 00:13:10,529
Yeah.
352
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,365
Yeah, I'll help you.
353
00:13:13,417 --> 00:13:15,001
See?
354
00:13:15,052 --> 00:13:16,969
I'm the manager.
355
00:13:17,037 --> 00:13:18,304
Oh, you're the manager?
- Yeah.
356
00:13:18,371 --> 00:13:21,340
Wow, that's amazing.
- It's okay.
357
00:13:21,391 --> 00:13:22,758
Case 73.
358
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,343
Mr. Sandoval.
359
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,481
I see you have dressed
for the occasion.
360
00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:29,849
Oh. Hi.
361
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,100
You didn't have to come.
362
00:13:31,184 --> 00:13:32,485
I'm sure you're very busy.
363
00:13:32,552 --> 00:13:34,020
I said that I would be here,
364
00:13:34,071 --> 00:13:35,438
so I'm here.
- Don't worry.
365
00:13:35,522 --> 00:13:37,056
I think I can handle it.
- Let's just
366
00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:39,191
get this over with
so we can get out of here.
367
00:13:42,946 --> 00:13:44,714
Your Honor.
368
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,868
Your Honor.
369
00:13:48,919 --> 00:13:50,402
Your Honor.
370
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:52,071
These are the facts, Your Honor.
371
00:13:52,089 --> 00:13:53,756
♪ Your Honor.
372
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,460
Case 74-- Jessica Day.
373
00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:00,174
Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.
- Okay, listen.
374
00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:01,885
You just have to enter
the plea yourself,
375
00:14:01,947 --> 00:14:03,135
all right, and then
I'll do the rest.
376
00:14:03,182 --> 00:14:04,494
Okay, okay. I got
it, all right?
377
00:14:04,573 --> 00:14:06,612
So you know, all you have to do is say...
- I got it! Thank you.
378
00:14:06,705 --> 00:14:07,887
Okay. Okay.
How do you plead?
379
00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:08,753
Guilty.
- What?
380
00:14:08,784 --> 00:14:10,406
Great. Pay your fine upstairs.
381
00:14:11,692 --> 00:14:14,672
Well, I guess
we're never going to know
382
00:14:14,764 --> 00:14:16,014
if the bird defense works.
383
00:14:16,068 --> 00:14:17,568
Such a bummer, too.
384
00:14:17,612 --> 00:14:19,163
We have this pool at my office.
385
00:14:19,224 --> 00:14:20,357
Okay. Hey!
386
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,452
I got something to
say to you, man.
387
00:14:23,537 --> 00:14:24,770
What?
388
00:14:24,821 --> 00:14:26,572
I brake for birds.
389
00:14:26,623 --> 00:14:28,708
I rock a lot of polka dots.
390
00:14:28,775 --> 00:14:31,744
I have touched glitter
in the last 24 hours.
391
00:14:31,795 --> 00:14:34,914
I spend my entire day
talking to children.
392
00:14:34,965 --> 00:14:38,250
And I find it
fundamentally strange
393
00:14:38,302 --> 00:14:40,052
that you're not a
dessert person.
394
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,421
That's just weird,
and it freaks me out.
395
00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:44,340
And I'm sorry I don't
talk like Murphy Brown.
396
00:14:44,424 --> 00:14:46,092
And I hate your pantsuit.
397
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:48,427
I wish it had ribbons
on it or something
398
00:14:48,478 --> 00:14:49,979
to make it just slightly cuter.
399
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:52,297
And that doesn't
mean I'm not smart
400
00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,466
and tough and strong.
401
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:55,968
Okay.
402
00:14:56,019 --> 00:14:57,403
And I know you like Nick,
403
00:14:57,470 --> 00:14:59,438
and I'm not trying
to interfere,
404
00:14:59,489 --> 00:15:01,941
but you should just
talk to him about it.
405
00:15:01,992 --> 00:15:03,642
Are you done?
406
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,194
I am almost done.
407
00:15:05,278 --> 00:15:09,365
I'm about to go and
pay this $800 fine,
408
00:15:09,449 --> 00:15:13,536
and my checks have baby
farm animals on them, bitch.
409
00:15:14,988 --> 00:15:16,706
That's the wrong way.
410
00:15:25,621 --> 00:15:26,638
You moved.
411
00:15:26,722 --> 00:15:27,972
You remember my old place?
412
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,641
The place in the hood?
413
00:15:29,725 --> 00:15:30,925
No.
414
00:15:30,976 --> 00:15:32,944
It was hood-adjacent.
- Whatever.
415
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,699
So, um...
so this was nice.
416
00:15:37,766 --> 00:15:39,267
Yeah, it was.
417
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:42,620
You want to know
what I want to do now?
418
00:15:42,705 --> 00:15:44,105
What?
419
00:15:44,156 --> 00:15:46,241
Take you on a real date.
420
00:15:47,743 --> 00:15:49,610
Why don't you call me?
421
00:15:50,779 --> 00:15:52,747
Good night, Winston.
422
00:16:01,841 --> 00:16:03,341
Winston, what's happening?
- Huh?
423
00:16:03,426 --> 00:16:04,676
Yeah, good night.
424
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,127
What is wrong with you, man?
425
00:16:06,178 --> 00:16:08,012
You got no game.
That was so stupid.
426
00:16:13,302 --> 00:16:16,070
Hey! Anyone!
427
00:16:16,138 --> 00:16:17,906
My towel!
428
00:16:17,973 --> 00:16:20,108
Can someone please get my towel?
429
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:23,027
It's in my room
next to my Irish walking cape.
430
00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,746
The... the bigger towel.
431
00:16:24,813 --> 00:16:27,332
Not... do not touch
the small one.
432
00:16:27,416 --> 00:16:29,083
Okay, I left my
towel in my room.
433
00:16:29,151 --> 00:16:31,286
Nobody look.
434
00:16:31,337 --> 00:16:32,487
Nobody look, yo.
435
00:16:32,538 --> 00:16:34,289
We don't want to.
Nobody look.
436
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:36,007
Seriously, no...
no one's looking?
437
00:16:36,091 --> 00:16:38,510
All right, forget it.
438
00:16:38,594 --> 00:16:41,513
Aah! Damn it!
- See, he's a natural blond.
439
00:16:41,597 --> 00:16:44,365
What shape is that supposed
to be shaved into?
440
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:46,518
Think he's trying to
force perspective.
441
00:16:46,602 --> 00:16:48,669
Very funny. I got
to get something off my chest.
442
00:16:48,721 --> 00:16:51,172
No, Schmidt, there is an apron
443
00:16:51,223 --> 00:16:53,274
right over there--
go cover yourself.
444
00:16:53,342 --> 00:16:55,477
You are Jewish.
- You're making me gayer.
445
00:16:55,528 --> 00:16:57,612
Are you going to go on,
like, a big wet towel rant?
446
00:16:57,679 --> 00:16:59,197
No. This is now a sex rant.
447
00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:00,515
To wit,
448
00:17:00,566 --> 00:17:02,183
six months ago, I thought
449
00:17:02,234 --> 00:17:04,435
getting a girl roommate
would mean sex all the time--
450
00:17:04,503 --> 00:17:07,405
definitely with her friends
and probably with her.
451
00:17:07,490 --> 00:17:08,656
Are there women here?
452
00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:10,074
Yeah, sure, more than ever.
453
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,494
But you-- not going to happen.
454
00:17:12,545 --> 00:17:14,662
You, I will never give up.
455
00:17:14,713 --> 00:17:17,081
And you... well, you sample
from the gumbo pot.
456
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,033
I am in a damp bathroom
457
00:17:19,084 --> 00:17:22,837
full of naked women every day,
and I hate it.
458
00:17:22,905 --> 00:17:25,206
It's like a nightmare.
I'm in a...
459
00:17:25,257 --> 00:17:28,226
watermelon-themed apron
with a...
460
00:17:29,812 --> 00:17:31,379
A tampon?
461
00:17:31,430 --> 00:17:34,382
Why would you need this
for cooking?
462
00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:36,284
I just had an idea.
463
00:17:36,352 --> 00:17:38,436
Why don't we hang our
towels on towel bars
464
00:17:38,521 --> 00:17:40,238
instead of hooks, and
that'll make them dryer?
465
00:17:40,322 --> 00:17:42,056
That is the...
466
00:17:42,107 --> 00:17:45,827
that is... that is a great idea.
467
00:17:46,996 --> 00:17:48,196
Quick question for you.
468
00:17:48,247 --> 00:17:51,282
As a lesbian gynecologist,
469
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:54,168
perhaps, one of these days,
the two of us
470
00:17:54,236 --> 00:17:56,371
could sit down
and talk about OSI.
471
00:17:56,422 --> 00:17:58,590
What is OSI?
- Our shared interest.
472
00:17:58,674 --> 00:18:00,542
Schmidt, clothe yourself!
- All right, all right.
473
00:18:00,593 --> 00:18:01,793
It was just a suggestion.
474
00:18:04,547 --> 00:18:06,180
Oh.
475
00:18:06,248 --> 00:18:08,216
Hey.
- Hi.
476
00:18:08,267 --> 00:18:09,884
Nick's not here.
477
00:18:09,935 --> 00:18:11,269
That's okay.
478
00:18:11,353 --> 00:18:14,305
Uh, because I came here to...
479
00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:15,940
well, I kind of came
480
00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:19,110
because I-I thought
it would be good if you and I...
481
00:18:19,194 --> 00:18:20,862
Hey, Jess, my hands
are actually stuck
482
00:18:20,929 --> 00:18:22,614
in the yarn because...
- Oh.
483
00:18:22,698 --> 00:18:24,949
I didn't realize that you
had people over. Sorry.
484
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:28,202
No, it's just... crochet time.
485
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:29,988
Yeah.
486
00:18:30,072 --> 00:18:31,489
Nick's not here right now.
- No, I know.
487
00:18:31,574 --> 00:18:33,658
Thanks.
488
00:18:33,742 --> 00:18:36,377
I'll just come back later.
489
00:18:36,445 --> 00:18:37,295
Hey, Julia.
490
00:18:38,581 --> 00:18:39,714
Do you want to crochet with us?
491
00:18:43,586 --> 00:18:45,787
I mean, growing up was brutal.
492
00:18:45,854 --> 00:18:47,839
I went to
an all-girls school.
493
00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:49,957
The worst-- girls can be
so mean to each other.
494
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:52,477
Yeah, Cece and I hid
in the bathroom for four years.
495
00:18:52,561 --> 00:18:53,978
This is... this is
really nice, guys.
496
00:18:54,063 --> 00:18:55,463
Thank you for
letting me join in.
497
00:18:55,514 --> 00:18:56,848
It's totally relaxing.
498
00:18:56,932 --> 00:18:58,799
Except that I don't know why,
499
00:18:58,851 --> 00:19:01,102
if I put the fox
through the cave,
500
00:19:01,153 --> 00:19:02,470
it doesn't...
the yarn is broken.
501
00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:03,738
I don't know
502
00:19:03,805 --> 00:19:06,357
why this is not turning into...
503
00:19:06,442 --> 00:19:08,192
What you making?
504
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,861
A hat.
505
00:19:09,945 --> 00:19:12,246
If you're making a hat
for a baby, it is done.
506
00:19:12,314 --> 00:19:14,148
Yeah.
507
00:19:16,251 --> 00:19:17,952
Hey, Julia.
508
00:19:18,003 --> 00:19:19,420
What are you doing here?
509
00:19:19,488 --> 00:19:21,289
Could I talk to
you for a second?
510
00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:22,657
Okay.
511
00:19:24,043 --> 00:19:25,460
Hey, Julia.
512
00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:27,211
Stop.
513
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,597
No, there's something
that I need to say to you.
514
00:19:29,665 --> 00:19:30,598
All right. Then go ahead.
515
00:19:31,850 --> 00:19:32,967
Okay.
- Okay.
516
00:19:33,018 --> 00:19:34,835
I'm going to say it.
517
00:19:34,887 --> 00:19:37,188
Okay, I...
- Just say it.
518
00:19:37,272 --> 00:19:39,390
All right. I-I wanted
to say that...
519
00:19:39,475 --> 00:19:41,359
I don't want to date
anybody else.
520
00:19:41,443 --> 00:19:43,611
I just want to date you.
521
00:19:47,032 --> 00:19:48,700
Well, that's what I
was going to say to you.
522
00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:51,319
Really?
- Yeah.
523
00:19:52,955 --> 00:19:56,040
So, then... so, then,
what does that mean?
524
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:58,876
You're, like, my boyfriend now?
525
00:19:58,961 --> 00:20:00,962
I'm not really into labels.
526
00:20:01,029 --> 00:20:01,963
Yeah, all right.
527
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:10,505
Boyfriend.
528
00:20:10,556 --> 00:20:12,557
That's so lame.
529
00:20:12,641 --> 00:20:14,726
You're totally going to...
530
00:20:14,810 --> 00:20:16,928
carry my books home
from school.
531
00:20:17,012 --> 00:20:19,213
I will if you wear
my leatherman jacket.
532
00:20:19,264 --> 00:20:20,898
It's "letterman" jacket.
No, I'm pretty sure
533
00:20:20,983 --> 00:20:22,883
it's a leatherman jacket.
- You letter...
534
00:20:22,935 --> 00:20:24,318
The leather sleeves
that the football guys wear?
535
00:20:24,386 --> 00:20:26,738
I'm right. I'm right.
536
00:20:28,824 --> 00:20:30,091
I'm glad you pitched a fit,
537
00:20:30,159 --> 00:20:31,909
because my towel is very dry.
538
00:20:31,994 --> 00:20:34,195
I didn't pitch a fit.
I just...
539
00:20:34,246 --> 00:20:35,747
Damp!
540
00:20:35,831 --> 00:20:37,281
Damn it!
541
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,916
Everybody-- bathroom now!
542
00:20:39,001 --> 00:20:41,085
What's up, Dad?
543
00:20:41,170 --> 00:20:42,670
What, Schmidt?
- Is someone playing
544
00:20:42,738 --> 00:20:44,122
a joke on me?
545
00:20:44,206 --> 00:20:45,873
Honestly,
why is my towel still damp?
546
00:20:45,924 --> 00:20:48,710
cause it's not your towel;
it's my towel, Schmidt.
547
00:20:48,761 --> 00:20:50,545
No, it's not your towel.
Your towel is the red one.
548
00:20:50,596 --> 00:20:51,679
I'll tell you this, pal.
549
00:20:51,747 --> 00:20:53,097
I've never used that.
550
00:20:53,182 --> 00:20:54,282
I do use that one
every single day.
551
00:20:55,718 --> 00:20:56,917
Oh, God.
552
00:20:56,969 --> 00:20:59,086
This towel's
so warm and fluffy.
553
00:20:59,138 --> 00:21:01,139
It's like it's been
in the sun forever.
554
00:21:01,223 --> 00:21:02,774
This means you two
have been drying your junk
555
00:21:02,858 --> 00:21:04,776
with the same towel.
- Intimate.
556
00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:06,560
Are you out of your mind?!
- What do you mean, am I...
557
00:21:06,612 --> 00:21:08,496
How do you think this is
your towel? Do you even wash it?
558
00:21:08,563 --> 00:21:10,748
No, I don't wash the towel;
the towel washes me.
559
00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:12,733
Who washes a towel?
560
00:21:12,785 --> 00:21:14,452
You never wash...?
- You wash your towel?
561
00:21:14,536 --> 00:21:17,088
You never wash the towel?
- What am I going to do?
562
00:21:17,172 --> 00:21:19,791
Wash the shower next?
Wash a bar of soap?
563
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:22,427
You got to think here, pal.
- I'm furious right now.
564
00:21:22,511 --> 00:21:24,796
I get out of the damn shower,
I'm clean as a damn baby,
565
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,581
and I use the towel.
- Let me ask you this.
566
00:21:26,648 --> 00:21:28,749
Have you been wearing
my underpants?
567
00:21:28,801 --> 00:21:30,417
Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?
568
00:21:30,469 --> 00:21:32,804
You guys don't wear
each other's underpants?
569
00:21:32,888 --> 00:21:35,885
You're lying. We all wear
each other's underwear.
570
00:21:36,112 --> 00:21:39,191
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