1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,151
(woman screaming on TV)
2
00:00:07,136 --> 00:00:08,553
Ooh.
3
00:00:08,637 --> 00:00:10,221
Scary movie.
4
00:00:10,805 --> 00:00:11,889
I hate scary movies.
5
00:00:11,974 --> 00:00:12,757
Why are we watching this?
6
00:00:12,825 --> 00:00:15,009
We're not watching this, Jess.
7
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:17,344
We're watching it.
8
00:00:17,396 --> 00:00:20,148
(scary movie music continues)
9
00:00:20,199 --> 00:00:21,566
(groans)
10
00:00:26,739 --> 00:00:29,273
So fun, hanging
with the dudes,
11
00:00:29,341 --> 00:00:32,326
eating ice cream,
watching scary movies.
12
00:00:32,377 --> 00:00:34,746
(deep voice):
We're not scared; we're dudes.
13
00:00:34,830 --> 00:00:35,747
Shh!
14
00:00:36,965 --> 00:00:39,000
(woman screaming on TV)
15
00:00:39,551 --> 00:00:40,968
(whispering):
You know what we should watch?
16
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:42,369
Have you guys ever seen Fame?
17
00:00:43,436 --> 00:00:45,969
It's about a group of dreamers,
with talent to spare
18
00:00:46,434 --> 00:00:48,685
taking New York City by storm,
19
00:00:48,753 --> 00:00:50,587
one dance number
at a time--
20
00:00:50,655 --> 00:00:51,788
the cafeteria,
21
00:00:51,856 --> 00:00:52,740
the street...
22
00:00:52,807 --> 00:00:54,741
Oh! Ooh!
23
00:00:54,809 --> 00:00:56,193
That's so much blood.
24
00:00:56,277 --> 00:00:57,644
It's spurting!
25
00:00:57,695 --> 00:00:59,646
Mmm, that was good.
26
00:01:00,782 --> 00:01:02,283
That guy's gonna blow
himself up.
27
00:01:02,334 --> 00:01:03,251
♪ Wah, wah. ♪.
28
00:01:03,318 --> 00:01:05,436
Why would that guy
blow himself up?
29
00:01:05,504 --> 00:01:07,821
(explosion on TV)
30
00:01:08,373 --> 00:01:09,874
Sorry. I saw it
in the theater.
31
00:01:10,641 --> 00:01:12,159
You know what else
we should watch?
32
00:01:12,210 --> 00:01:13,210
An American Tale.
33
00:01:13,795 --> 00:01:15,262
It's about a little Jewish mouse
34
00:01:15,329 --> 00:01:16,763
with a great big heart and a...
35
00:01:16,831 --> 00:01:17,264
All right.
36
00:01:17,332 --> 00:01:18,265
Wait.
37
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,683
Where are you guys going?
38
00:01:19,768 --> 00:01:22,803
♪ Hey, girl ♪
39
00:01:22,854 --> 00:01:24,855
♪ What you doing? ♪
40
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,892
♪ Hey, girl ♪
41
00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:30,445
♪ Where you going? ♪
42
00:01:30,512 --> 00:01:33,247
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
43
00:01:33,315 --> 00:01:34,532
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
44
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:37,368
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪.
45
00:01:37,369 --> 00:01:41,368
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
46
00:01:42,924 --> 00:01:44,209
Do you know where
you're taking her?
47
00:01:44,424 --> 00:01:45,209
No.
48
00:01:45,293 --> 00:01:46,994
Do you need a list
of my sexiest date spots?
49
00:01:47,045 --> 00:01:48,362
You know, it's been
a while for you.
50
00:01:48,413 --> 00:01:49,497
Want me to stretch you out?
51
00:01:49,548 --> 00:01:51,198
It's not a date, Schmidt.
52
00:01:51,249 --> 00:01:52,967
Actually, I don't know
what it is.
53
00:01:53,034 --> 00:01:55,052
She's, uh... she's
a little hard to read.
54
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,888
Wouldn't it be funny
if we, like, went out? Like...
55
00:01:58,573 --> 00:01:59,640
- Do you want to go on a date?
- Yeah.
56
00:01:59,707 --> 00:02:01,058
We, like, go for dinner,
57
00:02:01,142 --> 00:02:03,477
and, like, the two of us,
like, do stuff.
58
00:02:03,545 --> 00:02:05,379
- Is that a yes?
- I know, right?
59
00:02:05,430 --> 00:02:06,914
- Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
- Right. No, I know.
60
00:02:06,982 --> 00:02:08,749
Sometimes she's so ironic
61
00:02:08,817 --> 00:02:10,818
that I think
she's being serious.
62
00:02:10,886 --> 00:02:12,770
I get it.
Led Zeppelin is classic,
63
00:02:12,854 --> 00:02:14,822
but I mean, it's no, like,
Steve Miller Band.
64
00:02:14,889 --> 00:02:16,607
Steve Miller Band?
"The Joker"?
65
00:02:21,596 --> 00:02:24,832
Oh, yeah. No, I love
The Steve Miller Band.
66
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:27,001
Hey, look. You've been out
of the game for a while.
67
00:02:27,068 --> 00:02:28,235
I have three date packages.
68
00:02:28,286 --> 00:02:29,920
They work every time.
69
00:02:30,005 --> 00:02:33,424
Package A: Close-up
magic, dinner, drinks.
70
00:02:33,508 --> 00:02:36,710
Package B: Close-up
magic, drinks.
71
00:02:36,761 --> 00:02:39,346
Package C:...
72
00:02:39,914 --> 00:02:41,015
Close-up magic.
73
00:02:41,082 --> 00:02:42,600
You have a date? Fun!
74
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,585
I want to talk to you guys
about this stuff.
75
00:02:44,636 --> 00:02:45,603
With Amanda.
76
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,221
- Schmidt.
- Amanda?
77
00:02:47,272 --> 00:02:48,272
From the bar?
78
00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:49,556
Whoa!
79
00:02:49,557 --> 00:02:50,424
She's a looker.
80
00:02:50,492 --> 00:02:51,976
Hatchie-matchie!
81
00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:53,777
Yeah, I know how hot she is,
Jess.
82
00:02:53,862 --> 00:02:55,813
Have you been out with anyone
since Caroline?
83
00:02:55,897 --> 00:02:56,814
No.
84
00:02:56,898 --> 00:02:59,483
Whoa! Big-deal alert.
85
00:02:59,568 --> 00:03:01,352
Scary stuff, kids.
86
00:03:01,419 --> 00:03:02,769
Yeesh!
87
00:03:02,821 --> 00:03:05,122
Falling rocks. Bridge out.
Duck!
88
00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:06,373
This is why I don't talk to you,
Jess.
89
00:03:06,441 --> 00:03:07,408
Nick, you're gonna be fine.
90
00:03:07,459 --> 00:03:08,642
Don't worry about it.
91
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,045
Just, you know,
suck in the gut.
92
00:03:12,112 --> 00:03:13,080
What gut?
93
00:03:13,147 --> 00:03:14,798
The little pooch where you
keep your extra cookies.
94
00:03:18,603 --> 00:03:20,120
(exhales)
95
00:03:27,512 --> 00:03:28,795
(exhales)
96
00:03:35,486 --> 00:03:36,820
All right.
97
00:03:38,189 --> 00:03:39,306
(stereo clicks on)
98
00:03:39,357 --> 00:03:42,192
(reggae song playing)
99
00:03:44,579 --> 00:03:47,364
♪ Well, you say with this riddim
you have a patch? ♪
100
00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:50,084
♪ Yellowman mend it ♪
101
00:03:50,151 --> 00:03:55,155
♪ And if you haffi done mend it,
me set it ♪
102
00:03:55,206 --> 00:03:58,659
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng ♪
103
00:03:58,710 --> 00:04:00,961
♪ Zungguzunggugu-
zungguzeng ♪
104
00:04:01,012 --> 00:04:03,764
♪ Seh if yuh have a paper,
yuh must have a pen ♪
105
00:04:03,831 --> 00:04:06,634
♪ And if yuh have a start,
yuh must have a end ♪
106
00:04:06,685 --> 00:04:09,303
♪ Seh five plus five,
it equal to ten ♪
107
00:04:09,354 --> 00:04:10,938
♪ And if yuh have goat... ♪
108
00:04:11,005 --> 00:04:12,856
I had a lot of adventures
in this room
109
00:04:12,941 --> 00:04:15,008
while you were gone, Winston.
110
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:16,777
(sighs) How'd the
job interview go?
111
00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:18,629
You know, terrible.
112
00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:20,513
Did you see the
JWoww retweet
113
00:04:20,565 --> 00:04:22,231
and the Gaga Twitpic?
114
00:04:23,518 --> 00:04:25,869
I know Word,
and I can open a document...
115
00:04:26,905 --> 00:04:28,455
...save it, save as,
116
00:04:28,523 --> 00:04:30,240
print,
117
00:04:30,308 --> 00:04:31,809
print preview...
118
00:04:31,876 --> 00:04:33,077
She just wanted
to chitchat about stuff
119
00:04:33,161 --> 00:04:34,561
I've never even heard of.
120
00:04:34,629 --> 00:04:36,130
Well, you gotta get
up to speed, man.
121
00:04:36,197 --> 00:04:37,748
The chitchat is
the interview.
122
00:04:37,832 --> 00:04:40,467
I've spent the last two years
of my life in Latvia.
123
00:04:40,535 --> 00:04:41,669
I was playing ball
year round.
124
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,003
I didn't read the news.
125
00:04:43,054 --> 00:04:44,838
I have no idea
what happened in America.
126
00:04:44,889 --> 00:04:45,906
I've got interviews tomorrow.
127
00:04:45,974 --> 00:04:47,141
Fill me in. What'd I miss?
128
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,093
From... from the past two years?
129
00:04:49,177 --> 00:04:50,711
Give me the highlights.
Highlights. Okay.
130
00:04:50,762 --> 00:04:52,479
Uh, country's broke.
131
00:04:52,547 --> 00:04:54,715
Betty White's back.
132
00:04:54,766 --> 00:04:57,718
Oh, cool, cool. What about
the rest of the Golden Girls?
133
00:04:57,769 --> 00:04:59,103
All dead, man.
134
00:05:00,905 --> 00:05:03,490
Damn. You know what?
Give me your computer.
135
00:05:03,558 --> 00:05:06,360
I gotta get started, man.
I'm going in.
136
00:05:06,411 --> 00:05:08,395
♪ Lady Ann a yuh
so take fe toy ♪
137
00:05:08,446 --> 00:05:10,998
♪ Playgal all dem call him joy ♪
138
00:05:11,065 --> 00:05:13,784
♪ Yuh nuh fe call
Yellowman nuh bwoy ♪
139
00:05:13,868 --> 00:05:17,004
♪ Yuh nuh fe call John
John nuh bwoy ♪
140
00:05:17,071 --> 00:05:19,840
♪ Yuh nuh fe take I
and I fe bwoy ♪
141
00:05:19,907 --> 00:05:22,710
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng,
watch it! ♪.
142
00:05:23,761 --> 00:05:24,728
It is what it is.
143
00:05:24,796 --> 00:05:28,265
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng... ♪.
144
00:05:28,849 --> 00:05:31,268
Hey, Nick, can you turn down
that music?
145
00:05:31,352 --> 00:05:33,303
♪ 'Ca Yellowman make yuh
feel so fine ♪
146
00:05:33,388 --> 00:05:36,473
♪ Me chat all me lyric,
me chat dem in a rhyme ♪
147
00:05:36,558 --> 00:05:40,144
♪ Me nuh eat lime it
full of a rhyme... ♪.
148
00:05:40,728 --> 00:05:41,995
Hey, Nick,
can you...
149
00:05:42,263 --> 00:05:43,213
What...? What are you...?!
150
00:05:44,181 --> 00:05:45,983
(giggly scream)
151
00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:48,569
Oh, my God!
152
00:05:55,158 --> 00:05:57,743
Look at you.
You're like an animal.
153
00:05:57,827 --> 00:05:58,929
What are you watching now?
154
00:05:59,027 --> 00:06:00,629
The King's Speech
and Human Centipede.
155
00:06:00,696 --> 00:06:03,215
Next up: Precious
and David After Dentist.
156
00:06:03,299 --> 00:06:05,300
I think you're
doing a good job.
157
00:06:05,367 --> 00:06:06,885
Okay, you know
what, test me.
158
00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:08,536
Pretend this is an interview.
Hit me with the chitchat.
159
00:06:08,588 --> 00:06:09,805
Ask me anything.
160
00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:11,056
Chitchat. Let's go.
161
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:12,340
Forget it, man.
Let's go!
162
00:06:12,392 --> 00:06:13,425
Come on, what are you
waiting for, man?
163
00:06:13,509 --> 00:06:15,210
You're getting
intense right now.
164
00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:16,978
- You're the intense one.
- I think you need to bring it down.
165
00:06:17,046 --> 00:06:17,996
(clears throat)
166
00:06:18,064 --> 00:06:19,481
Can I talk to you for a sec?
167
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,466
Something's happened.
168
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:24,152
It was totally an accident.
169
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:26,721
Not a big deal.
I just want to do
170
00:06:26,773 --> 00:06:29,107
the mature thing
and come clean about it.
171
00:06:29,192 --> 00:06:33,328
But, um, I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee.
172
00:06:33,395 --> 00:06:34,579
- What?
- What'd she say?
173
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:37,965
I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee
174
00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,000
and his bubbles.
175
00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:41,169
But it's not a big deal.
176
00:06:41,237 --> 00:06:42,754
Ain't no thing.
177
00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:43,839
(door opens)
Ain't no thaaang.
178
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,291
Oh, Nick, hey.
179
00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:47,626
Hey.
180
00:06:48,710 --> 00:06:50,545
So, that was weird, right?
181
00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:51,880
I'm running out
the door, Jess.
182
00:06:51,931 --> 00:06:53,414
I think we should
talk about it.
183
00:06:53,966 --> 00:06:54,433
Talk about what?
184
00:06:55,517 --> 00:06:57,686
About me seeing...
185
00:06:57,753 --> 00:06:59,387
your peen.
186
00:07:02,024 --> 00:07:03,892
(with British accent):
The peen what I saw.
187
00:07:05,394 --> 00:07:06,728
(with French accent):
Bonjour, le peen.
188
00:07:06,779 --> 00:07:07,829
You're blocking the door.
189
00:07:07,897 --> 00:07:09,197
Okay. Cool.
190
00:07:09,265 --> 00:07:10,949
Have fun on your date.
191
00:07:11,033 --> 00:07:12,951
(laughs awkwardly):
Tell that guy to behave.
192
00:07:13,970 --> 00:07:15,237
The adventure begins.
193
00:07:15,288 --> 00:07:16,938
Okay. Excuse me, Jess.
194
00:07:19,091 --> 00:07:21,091
(groaning)
195
00:07:25,447 --> 00:07:28,467
- That was so horrible.
- What am I gonna do?
196
00:07:28,551 --> 00:07:31,136
He's never gonna speak to me
again. I'm so embarrassed.
197
00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:33,388
It's not a big deal.
I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
198
00:07:34,155 --> 00:07:35,056
You have?
199
00:07:35,124 --> 00:07:37,225
I mean... how?
200
00:07:37,293 --> 00:07:38,310
We grew up together.
201
00:07:38,394 --> 00:07:39,995
Locker rooms,
swimming pools,
202
00:07:40,062 --> 00:07:41,429
penis fights--
it just happens.
203
00:07:41,481 --> 00:07:42,414
Why haven't I seen it?
204
00:07:43,182 --> 00:07:44,249
Why do you want to see it?
205
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:45,300
He's my best friend.
206
00:07:45,851 --> 00:07:48,153
Again, why do you
want to see it?
207
00:07:48,237 --> 00:07:49,471
What if Nick gets
into an accident?
208
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,506
What if he's
horribly disfigured,
209
00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:53,158
and I have to identify him,
210
00:07:53,242 --> 00:07:55,577
and all that remains
are his private parts?
211
00:07:55,644 --> 00:07:57,445
And I'm standing there
and I'm saying,
212
00:07:57,497 --> 00:07:59,581
"Sorry, Officer,
I can't help you,
213
00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:02,083
because no, I haven't
seen his penis."
214
00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:04,336
And then boom, he's buried
in an unmarked grave.
215
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:07,505
Again, why do you
want to see it?
216
00:08:07,589 --> 00:08:09,040
- What did it look like?
- What do you mean?
217
00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:10,258
Just say when.
218
00:08:10,326 --> 00:08:11,659
Just sa... serious...
219
00:08:11,711 --> 00:08:13,812
Seriously? Are you se...
Are you serious?
220
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:16,181
Okay, you know what.
This is impossible.
221
00:08:16,265 --> 00:08:17,498
I'm starting over.
222
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:20,218
Schmidt, I need your help.
223
00:08:20,303 --> 00:08:23,355
Okay... all right, Jess, fine.
224
00:08:23,439 --> 00:08:25,006
What happened
after you walked in?
225
00:08:25,057 --> 00:08:27,275
I don't know.
I kind of laughed.
226
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:29,778
Jess, you can't laugh
at a naked man,
227
00:08:29,845 --> 00:08:31,279
especially Nick.
228
00:08:31,347 --> 00:08:32,564
Nick is delicate...
229
00:08:33,148 --> 00:08:34,282
like a flower.
230
00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:36,535
Like a chubby, damaged flower
who hates himself.
231
00:08:36,619 --> 00:08:38,153
Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act
232
00:08:38,721 --> 00:08:40,355
like this never happened.
233
00:08:40,406 --> 00:08:41,323
We live together.
234
00:08:41,374 --> 00:08:42,357
We're a family.
235
00:08:42,408 --> 00:08:44,359
Families talk about things.
236
00:08:44,410 --> 00:08:48,063
No. Families ignore things
until they go away.
237
00:08:48,130 --> 00:08:49,731
YOUNG SCHMIDT: Hey, Mom,
hey, Mom, hey, Mom,
238
00:08:49,799 --> 00:08:50,832
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
239
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,551
Mom, Mom, Mom,
240
00:08:52,618 --> 00:08:54,402
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
241
00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:56,421
No one wants to talk
about their feelings, Jess.
242
00:08:57,005 --> 00:08:58,306
Never talk about this again.
243
00:08:58,374 --> 00:09:00,208
Okay. I'll ignore it.
244
00:09:01,561 --> 00:09:02,928
♪ Not gonna talk about... ♪.
245
00:09:03,012 --> 00:09:04,596
Or sing about it.
246
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,064
The bing-bong. I'm done.
247
00:09:07,516 --> 00:09:09,184
This is my... my chambre.
248
00:09:09,735 --> 00:09:11,853
What does that mean?
249
00:09:12,604 --> 00:09:14,940
You're a good kisser.
250
00:09:15,524 --> 00:09:16,942
Can we, can we be serious?
251
00:09:17,026 --> 00:09:18,326
Do you mind just
being serious?
252
00:09:18,394 --> 00:09:19,661
I'm gonna get serious--
on your face.
253
00:09:19,728 --> 00:09:21,246
(laughing)
254
00:09:21,330 --> 00:09:24,115
I have no idea what that means.
(laughing)
255
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,167
Actually, let's not laugh
when you're near my penis.
256
00:09:27,235 --> 00:09:28,086
Take it off.
257
00:09:29,755 --> 00:09:31,373
Here, just take
your shirt off.
258
00:09:31,424 --> 00:09:35,076
♪ ♪
259
00:09:40,549 --> 00:09:41,516
Can't...
260
00:09:42,083 --> 00:09:43,301
Here. Do...
261
00:09:43,386 --> 00:09:44,752
Do you want me to go first?
262
00:09:44,804 --> 00:09:46,137
You're offering just
to take your...
263
00:09:46,222 --> 00:09:47,722
Oh, my God!
264
00:09:48,473 --> 00:09:50,141
Look at you.
265
00:09:51,226 --> 00:09:52,427
Take off your clothes now.
266
00:10:04,991 --> 00:10:07,608
President Obama.
267
00:10:07,660 --> 00:10:08,710
Yeah, I like him
to watch over me.
268
00:10:10,296 --> 00:10:13,915
Do you, like, want to take it
slow... or something?
269
00:10:17,218 --> 00:10:19,654
- This is nice.
- Yeah.
270
00:10:19,722 --> 00:10:21,923
MAN (on video): It's starting to
even look like a triple rainbow.
271
00:10:21,991 --> 00:10:23,391
(door opens)
272
00:10:23,459 --> 00:10:25,977
MAN:
Oh, my God, it's full-on!
273
00:10:29,131 --> 00:10:30,015
Hi, Nick.
274
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:34,135
So I guess your date went well.
275
00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:35,920
Sleepover party.
276
00:10:37,473 --> 00:10:39,307
I have something from school
277
00:10:39,375 --> 00:10:41,109
that, um... made me
think of you.
278
00:10:48,951 --> 00:10:50,535
It's a Feeling Stick.
279
00:10:51,619 --> 00:10:52,587
Whoever's holding
a Feeling Stick
280
00:10:52,654 --> 00:10:54,706
has permission to say
whatever he or she is feeling
281
00:10:54,790 --> 00:10:55,957
without being judged.
282
00:10:56,508 --> 00:10:57,993
I'll go first. Um...
283
00:10:58,060 --> 00:11:02,847
I feel like I want to know
what you're feeling.
284
00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:16,394
Believe it or not,
that's not the first time
285
00:11:16,479 --> 00:11:18,363
someone's broken
my Feeling Stick.
286
00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,434
- I have a travel size.
- No.
287
00:11:25,186 --> 00:11:26,204
Nick, wait!
288
00:11:28,039 --> 00:11:30,492
Nick, we have to talk
about this.
289
00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:32,410
What are you doing?
290
00:11:32,495 --> 00:11:35,130
I'm sorry I saw your doojer
and your chickadees.
291
00:11:35,197 --> 00:11:36,798
And I didn't mean
to laugh. I just...
292
00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:38,833
Then why did you laugh?
293
00:11:38,884 --> 00:11:40,335
Is there something
funny about it?
294
00:11:40,886 --> 00:11:41,586
No.
295
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:43,304
It's beautiful.
296
00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,105
Stately.
297
00:11:45,257 --> 00:11:46,307
A real treat.
298
00:11:46,375 --> 00:11:47,425
Oh, my God.
299
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:53,314
(whispering): I think
it's great you dance naked
300
00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:54,265
to Jamaican music.
301
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:55,900
That's really cool.
302
00:11:55,985 --> 00:11:57,602
You should explore
your sexuality.
303
00:11:57,686 --> 00:11:58,886
(bell dings)
304
00:12:00,322 --> 00:12:03,224
- Nick?
- Excuse me.
305
00:12:03,275 --> 00:12:05,360
Come on, Nick.
I dance naked all the time.
306
00:12:05,911 --> 00:12:08,096
We have to talk about this.
307
00:12:09,532 --> 00:12:11,899
Ugh! Nick!
308
00:12:14,069 --> 00:12:15,887
(sighs)
309
00:12:16,955 --> 00:12:17,972
(bell dings)
310
00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:22,427
Nick, please talk to me.
311
00:12:22,511 --> 00:12:24,345
Jess, there's nothing
to talk about.
312
00:12:24,412 --> 00:12:25,513
You ruined my date.
313
00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:27,715
Every time I tried
to take my clothes off, Jess,
314
00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,051
I heard your little...
(imitates Jess's cackle)
315
00:12:30,102 --> 00:12:31,936
Your little crazy
giggle scream.
316
00:12:32,021 --> 00:12:34,806
And all I want to do
is have meaningless sex
317
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:38,593
with a beautiful woman who, yes,
talks in mind-bending riddles.
318
00:12:39,144 --> 00:12:40,311
But I can't,
319
00:12:40,896 --> 00:12:42,196
because I can't
get your little...
320
00:12:42,364 --> 00:12:44,200
(screaming cackle)
321
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,900
...out of my head!
322
00:12:49,037 --> 00:12:50,789
Well, maybe you don't want
to have meaningless sex.
323
00:12:50,873 --> 00:12:52,073
Maybe that's
not your style.
324
00:12:52,124 --> 00:12:53,408
I have a bing-bong
and chickadees.
325
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:55,243
It is my style.
326
00:12:56,495 --> 00:12:58,112
Stop following me.
327
00:12:58,164 --> 00:12:59,464
Then stop running
away from me.
328
00:12:59,548 --> 00:13:01,416
I just want to have
a mature conversation.
329
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:02,950
How can we have a
mature conversation
330
00:13:03,002 --> 00:13:04,836
when you can't even
say the word "penis"?
331
00:13:04,904 --> 00:13:07,172
I can say the word "pen..."
332
00:13:07,256 --> 00:13:08,789
- Say it.
- I...
333
00:13:09,341 --> 00:13:10,875
"Peernyas."
334
00:13:11,443 --> 00:13:13,210
- What?
- "Peernis."
335
00:13:13,278 --> 00:13:14,929
You said "peernis."
336
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:17,131
- ♪ Penis. ♪
- Not singing.
337
00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:19,133
(deep voice):
Penis.
338
00:13:19,185 --> 00:13:20,451
Not like a ghoul.
339
00:13:20,519 --> 00:13:22,770
(chuckling):
I... I can say it!
340
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:26,691
- Pianist.
- No, you said "pianist."
341
00:13:26,775 --> 00:13:29,027
- Enispay!
- Not pig Latin.
342
00:13:29,111 --> 00:13:30,829
- "Peernis."
- Okay, not in Swedish.
343
00:13:30,913 --> 00:13:32,330
- "Pemo."
- Not in fake Italian.
344
00:13:32,414 --> 00:13:34,031
(shrieking):
Penis!
345
00:13:34,616 --> 00:13:35,783
Shut up!
346
00:13:36,818 --> 00:13:38,870
- Say it with me-- "pe...
- Pe...
347
00:13:38,954 --> 00:13:40,821
- ...nis."
- ...neers.
348
00:13:40,873 --> 00:13:43,124
Yeah, I'm the one
that's immature.
349
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:54,886
- Hey, man.
- Aah!
350
00:13:54,970 --> 00:13:56,187
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.
351
00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:57,989
- What?
- Just the gun.
352
00:13:58,857 --> 00:14:00,308
- No.
- Just the roses.
353
00:14:00,359 --> 00:14:02,610
- What?
- Just the hub, where it connects.
354
00:14:02,678 --> 00:14:04,596
- Get out.
- Fine!
355
00:14:04,663 --> 00:14:05,813
I thought we were
best friends.
356
00:14:05,865 --> 00:14:07,065
We are.
357
00:14:07,149 --> 00:14:08,366
Apparently not.
358
00:14:09,450 --> 00:14:10,551
Best friends
don't do this, Schmidt.
359
00:14:10,619 --> 00:14:11,753
They do it
all the time.
360
00:14:14,761 --> 00:14:17,245
- You laughed?
- Yeah, I couldn't help it.
361
00:14:17,797 --> 00:14:20,014
Did you freak out and make
that noise that you always make?
362
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:21,883
What? I don't always
make a noise.
363
00:14:23,302 --> 00:14:26,421
(giggles, cackles)
364
00:14:26,989 --> 00:14:27,856
Fine.
365
00:14:27,923 --> 00:14:28,757
I guess I missed the moment
366
00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:30,775
when everybody got cool
about sex.
367
00:14:33,095 --> 00:14:35,096
I really messed up.
368
00:14:35,147 --> 00:14:37,198
Ah, guys are simple.
369
00:14:37,266 --> 00:14:39,701
You know what I would do?
I would just make it even.
370
00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:41,903
You've seen his; show him yours.
371
00:14:41,954 --> 00:14:42,671
(sighs)
372
00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:43,571
No.
373
00:14:43,622 --> 00:14:45,273
I can't do that.
374
00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:47,642
Hey, Winston.
375
00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:50,111
Oh, no. Oh, man.
376
00:14:50,162 --> 00:14:52,080
The interview?
Did you mess up?
377
00:14:52,131 --> 00:14:54,282
No, I didn't mess up.
378
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,634
Killed it. I was amazing.
379
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,260
At one point, I
was on the outside...
380
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:00,820
...of my body
watching myself be amazing.
381
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,780
- Well, that's a good thing, right?
- The woman asked me...
382
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,830
...why I wanted to sell
medical supplies.
383
00:15:05,380 --> 00:15:06,990
I had no answer.
384
00:15:07,070 --> 00:15:11,120
I've done anything but play
basketball my entire life.
385
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,270
"Winston Bishop is an
American basketball player
386
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:15,230
"who played
professionally in Latvia
387
00:15:15,410 --> 00:15:18,440
and he loves ducks".
388
00:15:19,590 --> 00:15:21,170
Winston, did you write
the part about the ducks?
389
00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:22,980
I don't even like
ducks that much, man.
390
00:15:23,030 --> 00:15:24,290
Okay, look, man.
391
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,380
You got to get off
Wikipedia, alright?
392
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,320
You're going crazy.
393
00:15:27,530 --> 00:15:28,960
I was the guy who
was good enough
394
00:15:29,020 --> 00:15:30,540
to play in Latvia.
395
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,360
And then one day,
I don't know, man...
396
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:34,390
I just lost it.
397
00:15:34,450 --> 00:15:36,700
They found another
black guy.
398
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,690
Labak melno virietis.
399
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,280
- Means "the better black guy".
- A better melno?
400
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,970
- You're-you're the best melno.
- I don't know, man.
401
00:15:44,050 --> 00:15:46,269
- I just don't know what comes next.
- You know what you do next?
402
00:15:46,370 --> 00:15:48,360
Come on. You're gonna get up.
Let's get up. Come on, buddy.
403
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:49,510
We're gonna get you
out of the house.
404
00:15:49,590 --> 00:15:51,350
We're gonna get you moving.
It's gonna feel good.
405
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:52,980
Whoo! This feels good.
406
00:15:53,530 --> 00:15:55,360
Totally. I love it.
407
00:15:56,110 --> 00:15:58,550
You know, I think I was
just scared, man.
408
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,220
I've been playing basketball
my whole entire life.
409
00:16:00,980 --> 00:16:02,040
What if I was
wasting my time?
410
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,310
Maybe I should have been
figuring out my life like you.
411
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,490
I don't have
anything figured out.
412
00:16:06,570 --> 00:16:08,410
I'm a fully-grown man
with roommates.
413
00:16:08,470 --> 00:16:10,440
I have a stupid job.
I'm single.
414
00:16:10,990 --> 00:16:13,110
My best friend won't even
let me see his penis.
415
00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:15,330
I mean, my whole life
is a sham.
416
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:16,340
Aah!
417
00:16:16,390 --> 00:16:18,560
I actually feel
a lot better.
418
00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:20,580
Thanks, Schmidt.
419
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,230
Winston, my legs!
420
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:23,900
- Schmidt?
- My legs are seizing up.
421
00:16:23,990 --> 00:16:26,120
- Schmidt!
- I hate my life. I hate my...
422
00:16:26,210 --> 00:16:27,710
...making new discoveries.
423
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,190
I'm a fear-based
person, apparently.
424
00:16:29,270 --> 00:16:30,580
Stop it. Go.
I need a...
425
00:16:30,630 --> 00:16:32,890
Give me a hug, please. 911.
426
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,320
Ow. Ow.
427
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:39,430
Hey.
428
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:40,890
Hey.
429
00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:43,400
I'm sorry about
last night, Amanda.
430
00:16:43,550 --> 00:16:46,380
So you're... you're, like,
super into "cuddling".
431
00:16:46,420 --> 00:16:48,870
No, I'm not super
into cuddling.
432
00:16:49,410 --> 00:16:50,680
I'm just getting out
of a relationship
433
00:16:50,730 --> 00:16:52,420
and I think I got nervous.
434
00:16:53,910 --> 00:16:55,920
I've heard that I'm
not great at talking about
435
00:16:55,930 --> 00:16:59,330
what I'm feeling
all the time
436
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,720
and so I'm sorry
about last night.
437
00:17:01,790 --> 00:17:04,840
Honesty.
438
00:17:04,850 --> 00:17:07,360
I like that.
439
00:17:14,021 --> 00:17:14,838
(sighs)
440
00:17:14,921 --> 00:17:15,975
(Door slamming)
441
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,010
NICK: Really nice.
(Amanda chuckling)
442
00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:24,000
AMANDA:
Oh, yeah?
443
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:28,136
NICK:
We're doing it.
444
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:30,780
- Oh, yeah!
- You're so hot...
445
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,360
Okay.
446
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:34,330
(panting):
Yeah. Yeah.
447
00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:35,830
- Alrigh, wow.
- Yeah.
448
00:17:35,950 --> 00:17:36,829
Oh wow.
This is happening.
449
00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:38,231
Take off your pants.
Take off your pants!
450
00:17:38,232 --> 00:17:39,200
Okay, okay.
451
00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:40,010
Yeah, take your pants off.
452
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,000
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
453
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:41,640
- You want me to take them off?
- Yeah.
454
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:42,810
- Want me to?
- Yeah. Take them off.
455
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,150
- Okay. Want me to take these off?
- Yeah.
456
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:46,720
Okay, lights on, pants off.
Here we go.
457
00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:48,980
Okay.
Okay. Yeah.
458
00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:51,580
Oh, I'm totally
cool with this.
459
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:54,430
Yeah.
All right.
460
00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:56,690
Okay.
461
00:17:58,030 --> 00:17:59,710
What are you doing?!
462
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,930
What is...?! Who is that?!
463
00:18:02,421 --> 00:18:04,572
(screaming)
464
00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:06,300
What are you doing?!
465
00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:13,140
Hi. I'm Jess.
466
00:18:13,690 --> 00:18:15,320
Welcome to our home.
467
00:18:22,820 --> 00:18:25,840
We live in a world with rules.
We knock.
468
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:27,850
We have doors.
469
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:29,450
And we knock on those doors.
470
00:18:30,590 --> 00:18:31,600
I'm sorry, Nick.
471
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,480
Just knock!
472
00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:39,120
Nick.
473
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:40,120
I--
474
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,080
- Put that down.
- But we have to talk.
475
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,310
Nothing to talk about.
476
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:49,850
I feel that Nick is not
honoring the Feeling Stick.
477
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:55,410
I feel me, too.
478
00:18:56,710 --> 00:18:58,270
I feel Schmidt's had
479
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,050
a particularly bad day,
480
00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:02,880
and I feel that if Nick is
truly Schmidt's friend,
481
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,380
he would show Schmidt
what's in his pants.
482
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,100
I feel supported.
483
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,390
What is going on with you two?
484
00:19:10,925 --> 00:19:12,390
What are you doing?
485
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,330
I feel Nick is yelling.
486
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:17,590
Stop it!
487
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,780
Yo. I just wanted
to thank you
488
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,080
for taking me running.
489
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,900
Made me feel
a lot better.
490
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,730
Now, I might not have a job
or anything but...
491
00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:30,540
at least I can run a mile.
492
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:33,460
I mean, watching you try to run,
yeah, that was just pathetic.
493
00:19:33,995 --> 00:19:35,100
I needed that.
494
00:19:35,170 --> 00:19:37,430
I suffer from
exercise-induced asthma.
495
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,040
Do you suffer
from exercise-induced crying?
496
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:41,800
It's a real thing,
man, okay? EIA.
497
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,570
You know what I learned
from the Internet?
498
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,710
We got nothing to worry about.
499
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,130
Everybody has
their moment.
500
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,730
We might get a cat one day.
501
00:19:49,870 --> 00:19:51,080
That cat might play
the keyboard.
502
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:52,720
A bear might fall
on our trampoline.
503
00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:55,450
We don't need to have it
figured out right now.
504
00:19:56,785 --> 00:19:58,060
Our moments will come.
505
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,490
Hey, man.
506
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,760
Let's keep bro'ing out.
507
00:20:04,021 --> 00:20:05,403
(knock at door)
508
00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:07,900
Come in.
509
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:10,119
Jess, you don't have to knock
510
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,070
once you're
in the room.
511
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,300
I worked on something for you.
512
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:18,690
All right.
513
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:22,610
Penis.
514
00:20:24,630 --> 00:20:25,560
Very good.
515
00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:26,970
Thank you.
516
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,260
Um, so did Amanda
call you back?
517
00:20:29,410 --> 00:20:30,900
No, I don't see Amanda
calling me back.
518
00:20:30,970 --> 00:20:32,810
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
519
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,030
Maybe you were right.
520
00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:34,944
Maybe I'm not ready
521
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:37,020
for meaningless sex
with beautiful women.
522
00:20:38,510 --> 00:20:40,230
Well, you know,
maybe when you are
523
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:43,160
you'll be able to show
her your other penis.
524
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:45,270
Your heart penis.
525
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:47,070
- Get out of my room.
- Okay.
526
00:20:47,140 --> 00:20:50,330
Hey, um, (nervous laughter)
when I was, um,
527
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,000
leaving in a hurry
528
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:57,040
um, did you see
529
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:58,420
everything?
530
00:20:59,101 --> 00:20:59,900
Yup.
531
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:01,540
Even my...
532
00:21:02,050 --> 00:21:03,180
my gumbo pot?
533
00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:06,430
Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.
534
00:21:20,910 --> 00:21:22,030
Get out, Schmidt.
535
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,730
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.
536
00:21:38,165 --> 00:21:45,630
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Minute 14"56 on -- Resync of a subtitle by Mikhel for subtitulos.es