1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,521
(water splashing)
2
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:10,259
Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom
3
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,178
Tony the Tiger style.
4
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,897
- Naked with a kerchief?
- What?
5
00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:15,198
Naked with a kerchief.
6
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,701
No, what do you call
top, no pants?
7
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,904
- Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh
or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.
8
00:00:20,955 --> 00:00:22,288
There's a Donald the Duck.
SCHMIDT: I guess pretty much
9
00:00:22,373 --> 00:00:23,289
any kind of bear
except for Yogi
10
00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:25,157
'cause that's naked
with a tie.
11
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:26,742
Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
12
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,911
I saw his entire butt.
13
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,496
Look, Dirk's a good guy.
14
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,581
He was my roommate
when I was in law school.
15
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,117
- Smartest guy I know.
- So, he's a lawyer?
16
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,253
No, he's not a lawyer,
but he does have a law degree,
17
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:38,788
a business degree,
and a master's in agriculture.
18
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,289
He's kind of like
a degree collector.
19
00:00:40,357 --> 00:00:42,758
He's got his PhD in poetry,
so...
20
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,543
That sucks for poems.
21
00:00:44,594 --> 00:00:45,961
How'd it go with Fancyman?
22
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,080
It was an amazing first date,
23
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:50,633
except for one awkward
part at the end.
24
00:00:50,701 --> 00:00:53,753
I don't go on dates
very often.
25
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:56,422
Guys my age always want
to skip the date
26
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,424
and just go right
for the gold.
27
00:00:59,475 --> 00:01:01,194
Which I don't give them
28
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,279
because I'm stingy
with my gold.
29
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,231
Unless they dig for it.
30
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,769
I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.
31
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:12,655
Oh, hi.
32
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,663
VALET:
Black sedan?
33
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,331
Uh, yeah.
34
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,166
(quietly)
What?
35
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,952
So, he patted me on the back.
36
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,169
I thought I'd
at least get
37
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,672
a front pat. Whoo-ha!
38
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:30,773
(chuckling)
What?
39
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,175
Look,
40
00:01:32,243 --> 00:01:33,509
he probably just got nervous.
41
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,861
No, Russell's never nervous.
42
00:01:34,945 --> 00:01:36,362
That's the worst answer.
43
00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:37,563
(phone ringing)
Winston, what do you think?
44
00:01:37,648 --> 00:01:38,848
Oh, thank God.
45
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,149
Hey, what's up, baby?
46
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,451
- Ooh.
- Hey, is that Shelby?
47
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,253
(whipping noise)
(meows)
48
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,570
What was that?
That was a cat sound.
49
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,606
Oh, because you did the whip,
we should've...
50
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:47,991
- Guys! - It should have been
the other way around.
51
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:49,709
Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.
52
00:01:49,793 --> 00:01:52,194
But next time you guys
want advice about girls,
53
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,880
don't come crawling to me.
54
00:01:53,964 --> 00:01:55,048
- You got it.
- That sounds good.
55
00:01:55,132 --> 00:01:57,650
No, that was a joke; I love it
56
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,786
when you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.
57
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,771
- And I love it...
- "One shade the more,"
58
00:02:01,839 --> 00:02:03,306
"One ray the less,"
59
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,808
"Had half impaired
the nameless grace."
60
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,844
Are you wearing
a ladies' scarf?
61
00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:09,095
Come to my lecture
tomorrow night.
62
00:02:09,679 --> 00:02:11,714
Absolutely not.
63
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:13,850
She's missing out,
my man.
64
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,318
- Hey, Schmidt?
- Yeah?
65
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,552
Mind if I borrow your car
to take Shelby to the airport?
66
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,438
Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
67
00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:21,557
Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,
68
00:02:22,608 --> 00:02:23,559
"man-bulance"?
69
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,278
The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready
70
00:02:25,362 --> 00:02:27,313
for the corporate team-building
retreat on Monday.
71
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,082
That's cool. I'm sure the
man-bulance couldn't handle
72
00:02:29,166 --> 00:02:30,750
all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
73
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,618
Ooh... What the hell is
wrong with you, Winston?
74
00:02:32,703 --> 00:02:34,921
The man-bulance could fit
the luggage of nine Shelbys.
75
00:02:35,005 --> 00:02:36,372
It has the towing capacity
76
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:37,807
of a thousand Shelbys.
77
00:02:37,875 --> 00:02:39,042
You know what?
Here you go, Winston.
78
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,209
There you go.
79
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:41,844
- Enjoy luxury.
- All good, man.
80
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,629
I got your second set,
so thank you.
81
00:02:43,714 --> 00:02:45,098
How'd you get
my second set of keys?
82
00:02:45,182 --> 00:02:46,415
Hey, someone left
your door open.
83
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,384
Someone left
your face beautiful.
84
00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:50,586
Who is that?
85
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:51,888
JESS:
Apparently, his name is Dirk.
86
00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:56,859
Sorry, Dirk, I'm
seeing somebody.
87
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,227
DIRK:
But should that stop you
88
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,562
from seeing this?
89
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:01,064
Yeah!
90
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:02,865
That's awesome.
Does he keep you happy?
91
00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:03,800
He does what he's told.
92
00:03:06,036 --> 00:03:07,904
So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?
93
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,655
Oh,
94
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,274
you're a sex-cretary?
95
00:03:11,342 --> 00:03:13,042
I am definitely the boss.
96
00:03:14,511 --> 00:03:16,546
Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.
97
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,114
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
98
00:03:18,182 --> 00:03:19,549
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
99
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,250
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
100
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,752
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
101
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:25,304
I hate bachelorette parties.
102
00:03:25,389 --> 00:03:27,807
I have, like 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.
103
00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:29,392
This plane goes down,
there's gonna be
104
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,844
some sharks doing
some really weird stuff.
105
00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,462
Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?
106
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,964
No, I'm going to Mexico.
I thought I told you that.
107
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:36,132
Hmm-mm.
108
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,567
Well, if you don't
want me to go,
109
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,152
I don't have to go.
110
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,020
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.
111
00:03:41,105 --> 00:03:42,572
It'll be good, you know?
112
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,140
We spent the last
five nights together.
113
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,075
I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.
114
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,779
Right.
115
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,833
- Did I say something wrong?
- What?
116
00:03:53,917 --> 00:03:57,253
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.
117
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,591
(whispering)
Hey.
118
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,926
Great news, um,
Jess is taking a shower.
119
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:07,263
Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid ten minutes.
120
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,514
Eat this granola bar first.
121
00:04:09,099 --> 00:04:11,968
I want to try something
called the horse trough.
122
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:14,604
No, Cece.
123
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,272
I'm not having sex
with you right now.
124
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,940
I have to get everybody
in the company's name
125
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,459
into a version of "We
Didn't Start the Fire."
126
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:20,726
Totally fine.
127
00:04:20,811 --> 00:04:23,229
What do you need,
like, 20 minutes?
128
00:04:23,313 --> 00:04:25,148
Cece, this... (chuckles)
Okay, this is real work
129
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,517
for my real boss who is not you.
130
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:32,238
Oh, I get what's happening here.
131
00:04:32,322 --> 00:04:36,192
It's 'cause Ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."
132
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,327
A sex receptionist
answers calls all day.
133
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:41,664
A sex-cretary does
scheduling, light filing,
134
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,249
basically runs the office.
135
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,500
So, first of all,
136
00:04:44,551 --> 00:04:46,719
thank you for the demotion.
137
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:47,870
And second of all, I quit.
138
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,472
So, I'll see you tonight.
139
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,174
Did you not hear anything
I just said?
140
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:54,060
Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,
141
00:04:54,144 --> 00:04:58,564
but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?
142
00:04:58,649 --> 00:05:00,183
What are you doing?
143
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:01,217
Don't-don't-don't involve them.
144
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:02,518
Oh, my...
145
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:03,820
They just didn't hear.
146
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:04,854
Don't bring them into this.
147
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,222
Don't tell me.
148
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,491
Tell them.
149
00:05:11,861 --> 00:05:12,795
Hi.
150
00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:16,365
(chuckles)
I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,
151
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:17,950
I love... I love you both.
152
00:05:18,035 --> 00:05:21,037
All the zany adventures
we've had.
153
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,405
But we can't go to
White Castle today.
154
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,540
Just can't do it.
155
00:05:24,608 --> 00:05:25,858
You're serious about this?
156
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:27,760
JESS:
Cece?
157
00:05:28,345 --> 00:05:29,578
Is Schmidt bothering you?
158
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,013
(whispering)
This is not over.
159
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,816
Okay?
160
00:05:33,884 --> 00:05:35,885
Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?
161
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,637
No, like a pat;
It was distinctly a pat,
162
00:05:37,721 --> 00:05:39,021
and it was actually
kind of hot.
163
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,389
The man knows how
to pat a back.
164
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,141
At any point during the night,
165
00:05:42,226 --> 00:05:44,426
did you do
your Kermit the Frog imitation?
166
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,695
Maybe.
167
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:46,863
(as Kermit):
Once or twice.
168
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,764
No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.
169
00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:50,483
Well, what do I do?
170
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,151
I really, really want to see him
again, like, badly.
171
00:05:52,236 --> 00:05:54,370
- You just call him.
- I can't.
172
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,655
He's too sophisticated.
173
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:57,406
He told me he'd run
with the bulls,
174
00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:58,824
and I quote,
175
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,793
"not the touristy bulls
in Pamplona."
176
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,295
Big deal. Just call him.
177
00:06:02,379 --> 00:06:04,997
Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,
178
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:07,667
she loses her power
unless she's sexting,
179
00:06:07,751 --> 00:06:09,919
in which case, she
gains a half power.
180
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,053
Okay, well,
that's Schmidt just talking...
181
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,672
I mean, what does Schmidt know?
182
00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:14,623
Look, all the guys
that you live with-- boys.
183
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,759
You've only dated boys.
184
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,460
Russell is a grown man,
185
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:19,812
and I bet he likes women
186
00:06:19,897 --> 00:06:21,797
who know what they want
and ask for it.
187
00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:25,017
He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.
188
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,903
Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.
189
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,404
You've just got
to pick up the phone,
190
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,756
and you ask him out for dinner.
191
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,491
You know what? You're right:
I am sophisticated.
192
00:06:32,576 --> 00:06:33,642
I'm gonna do this.
193
00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:35,844
What is that?
194
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,330
It's a phone.
195
00:06:37,414 --> 00:06:38,281
Oh, God.
196
00:06:39,714 --> 00:06:42,966
And thus ends our journey
through the words of time.
197
00:06:43,534 --> 00:06:45,885
From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,
198
00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:48,037
from Dylan to Dylan.
199
00:06:49,105 --> 00:06:50,841
They're both named Dylan.
200
00:06:50,892 --> 00:06:52,926
- Watch him bring it home, man.
- Do I have to?
201
00:06:53,010 --> 00:06:54,477
We have to rage.
202
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,879
"Rage against the dying
of the light.
203
00:06:56,931 --> 00:06:58,514
"And when the light
204
00:06:58,565 --> 00:07:01,601
is no longer bright."
205
00:07:01,685 --> 00:07:03,269
(harmonica plays)
206
00:07:05,606 --> 00:07:09,392
"Don't think twice,
it's all right."
207
00:07:09,443 --> 00:07:10,559
It's over.
208
00:07:10,611 --> 00:07:13,062
(applause, whistling)
209
00:07:13,113 --> 00:07:14,580
Smartest guy I know.
210
00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:17,733
Professor?
211
00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:18,734
- Professor?
- Yeah?
212
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,119
We wanted to remind you
213
00:07:20,204 --> 00:07:22,622
about the post-lecture
wine and cheese event.
214
00:07:22,706 --> 00:07:24,207
A soiree, eh?
215
00:07:24,258 --> 00:07:25,675
Super classy.
216
00:07:25,742 --> 00:07:28,428
Crackers, bubbles,
crab, hummus.
217
00:07:28,512 --> 00:07:30,746
Yeah, I-I e-mailed
you about that.
218
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,216
- That was me. - Oh, sometimes when
I get a really long e-mail...
219
00:07:36,903 --> 00:07:37,753
I don't read it.
220
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:38,805
(sighing)
221
00:07:38,889 --> 00:07:40,556
Bye.
222
00:07:41,607 --> 00:07:43,309
Oh, Mommy.
223
00:07:43,394 --> 00:07:44,861
(laughing) All right,
Dirk, what about Deb?
224
00:07:44,928 --> 00:07:46,529
You guys having problems
or something?
225
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,431
No, no, no,
everything's fine.
226
00:07:48,982 --> 00:07:50,733
She left me and moved
out of the house.
227
00:07:50,784 --> 00:07:53,269
I guess it was "too
hard to support me."
228
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:54,737
"Financially."
229
00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,957
It's all fine; her leaving
has allowed me to realize
230
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,742
the one thing that was
missing in my life.
231
00:07:58,793 --> 00:07:59,626
Scarves?
232
00:07:59,710 --> 00:08:01,495
Undergraduate ladies.
233
00:08:01,579 --> 00:08:03,413
You see, girls our age,
what do they want?
234
00:08:03,464 --> 00:08:05,448
They want us to wed them,
sire their children.
235
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:06,550
They want you to have
236
00:08:06,617 --> 00:08:08,001
- a-a bedframe.
- Right, yeah.
237
00:08:08,085 --> 00:08:09,553
Hmm? They want you
to eat off plates,
238
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:10,921
but girls in college
239
00:08:10,972 --> 00:08:12,288
all they want you to do
240
00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:15,559
is tell them that
their photography has potential.
241
00:08:15,626 --> 00:08:17,844
Yeah, but don't they want to
hang out wth guys their own age?
242
00:08:17,929 --> 00:08:19,763
Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?
243
00:08:19,814 --> 00:08:22,632
- Trust me, they are setting the
bar very, very low. - Right.
244
00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:25,268
- They haven't even gone through their
gay phase yet. - Hey, man, I'm gonna
245
00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:26,302
give Shelby a call
really quick.
246
00:08:26,354 --> 00:08:27,637
Just want to check on her,
see if everything's all right.
247
00:08:27,688 --> 00:08:29,739
- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude, relax, okay?
248
00:08:29,807 --> 00:08:31,691
I just said we're gonna give
each other space,
249
00:08:31,776 --> 00:08:33,243
doesn't mean
I can't call her, right,
250
00:08:33,310 --> 00:08:36,112
to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.
251
00:08:36,163 --> 00:08:37,614
You know what "space"
means, right?
252
00:08:37,665 --> 00:08:39,499
That's space to have sex
with other people.
253
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:41,668
No, space means
you go to Mexico,
254
00:08:42,252 --> 00:08:43,787
and you do not have sex
with other people.
255
00:08:44,238 --> 00:08:44,988
Watch this.
256
00:08:45,039 --> 00:08:47,257
Nick, don't give my any space.
257
00:08:47,324 --> 00:08:48,675
You got it, my man.
258
00:08:48,759 --> 00:08:50,510
See, this makes it pretty hard
259
00:08:50,595 --> 00:08:52,512
for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?
260
00:08:52,597 --> 00:08:54,180
Now, Nick, I want you
261
00:08:54,265 --> 00:08:55,515
- to give me some space.
- You got it.
262
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,184
All this space
allows me opportunity
263
00:08:58,269 --> 00:09:00,020
to have as much sex as we want.
264
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,021
Smartest guy I know.
265
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,272
See how much sex
266
00:09:02,339 --> 00:09:04,774
- we could be having?
- That-that does...
267
00:09:04,842 --> 00:09:07,010
Get out of my way,
bookworms!
268
00:09:07,061 --> 00:09:09,312
You ready to make love
to some college chicks?
269
00:09:09,363 --> 00:09:11,197
Hey, when's the last time
you had mono?
270
00:09:11,282 --> 00:09:12,616
I don't know.
271
00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:15,569
Tomorrow, you're
gonna say yesterday.
272
00:09:15,653 --> 00:09:17,454
CECE: I have that
team-building research
273
00:09:17,521 --> 00:09:19,188
you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
274
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,323
(screams)
275
00:09:20,374 --> 00:09:22,876
What... are you wearing?
276
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,961
I don't... I don't know.
277
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:26,195
I mean, I found this
278
00:09:26,247 --> 00:09:28,131
at the lost and found
at the gym.
279
00:09:28,199 --> 00:09:31,384
I'm not really sure how sexy
a sex-cretary is supposed to be.
280
00:09:32,202 --> 00:09:33,003
I've never had
to do this.
281
00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:34,754
I've never had
to seduce somebody before.
282
00:09:34,839 --> 00:09:36,372
If you're gonna seduce me,
283
00:09:36,424 --> 00:09:39,175
don't dress up like
my aunt Frieda at Seder.
284
00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:41,394
Come on, okay?
285
00:09:41,479 --> 00:09:43,313
I will do anything,
286
00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:45,849
and I'll do it anywhere.
287
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:46,733
All right?
288
00:09:48,603 --> 00:09:50,904
Even fantasy location...
289
00:09:51,988 --> 00:09:52,989
number three?
290
00:09:54,057 --> 00:09:55,025
(sighing)
Okay.
291
00:09:55,076 --> 00:09:57,527
(mellow jazz playing)
292
00:09:57,578 --> 00:10:00,697
Um, how good are the Beatles?
293
00:10:01,248 --> 00:10:02,582
Beatles are the best.
294
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,400
Were you so upset
when they broke up?
295
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,402
I would have been,
but I was one.
296
00:10:06,454 --> 00:10:09,255
(chuckles)
297
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:11,691
Well, you're not one any more.
298
00:10:14,643 --> 00:10:15,645
How's your prostate?
299
00:10:15,696 --> 00:10:17,480
- Uh...
- I had my breast exam last week,
300
00:10:17,531 --> 00:10:18,915
and, like, they're fine.
301
00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:20,367
It's just boob in there,
302
00:10:20,451 --> 00:10:22,786
but we have to be careful.
303
00:10:22,837 --> 00:10:24,320
Our bodies are decaying.
304
00:10:25,072 --> 00:10:25,755
Are you okay?
305
00:10:25,823 --> 00:10:27,173
You seem strange.
306
00:10:27,258 --> 00:10:28,541
Why didn't we kiss
the other night?
307
00:10:28,626 --> 00:10:29,542
(quietly)
Sorry.
308
00:10:29,610 --> 00:10:30,627
(phone vibrating)
309
00:10:32,663 --> 00:10:33,930
I'm sorry.
310
00:10:33,998 --> 00:10:36,016
- No, it's fine.
- Oh.
311
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,217
- What?
- Hey, I...
312
00:10:37,301 --> 00:10:39,185
- Is everything okay? Oh.
- I got to go.
313
00:10:39,270 --> 00:10:41,054
- This ought to take care
of the dinner. - Yeah.
314
00:10:41,138 --> 00:10:43,840
Okay?
315
00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:45,275
Oh, I cannot believe
I almost left
316
00:10:45,342 --> 00:10:46,559
without, um...
317
00:10:46,644 --> 00:10:47,844
Here, there's cab fare.
318
00:10:47,895 --> 00:10:48,695
- Get home safe.
- Oh.
319
00:10:53,034 --> 00:10:54,517
(beep)
320
00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:55,869
Baby, look, I don't want space,
okay?
321
00:10:55,953 --> 00:10:57,370
I don't want anyone
to have space.
322
00:10:57,455 --> 00:10:59,239
I want to be standing
right in front of you.
323
00:10:59,323 --> 00:11:01,041
I want the air that you breathe
324
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,410
to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.
325
00:11:03,494 --> 00:11:05,528
I want to just be passing air
back and forth
326
00:11:05,579 --> 00:11:07,630
between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide
327
00:11:07,698 --> 00:11:10,216
and then we both
pass out and die.
328
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:14,304
(sighs)
329
00:11:14,872 --> 00:11:16,056
No flights tonight.
330
00:11:16,123 --> 00:11:18,458
Hey, Schmidt, do you mind
if I borrow your car again?
331
00:11:18,526 --> 00:11:19,926
"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."
332
00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:21,227
Thank you!
333
00:11:36,549 --> 00:11:38,016
(club music playing)
334
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:39,434
Nope.
335
00:11:39,519 --> 00:11:40,936
Hey, my name's Nicholas.
336
00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:43,155
Nick, Nick.
337
00:11:43,222 --> 00:11:45,490
Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after party.
338
00:11:45,558 --> 00:11:46,775
Oh, I do.
339
00:11:46,859 --> 00:11:48,226
Dirk, I feel so old here.
340
00:11:48,277 --> 00:11:50,128
Is calling a girl "Shorty"
still cool?
341
00:11:50,196 --> 00:11:51,947
We just got to find your angle
with these college girls.
342
00:11:52,031 --> 00:11:54,499
Your hook, your panty-melter.
343
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:57,185
Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.
344
00:11:57,253 --> 00:11:59,171
You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.
345
00:11:59,238 --> 00:12:01,072
If panties were snowmen,
346
00:12:01,124 --> 00:12:03,542
you were March, bro.
347
00:12:06,312 --> 00:12:07,212
Hey.
348
00:12:07,263 --> 00:12:08,847
- Don't-don't do this.
- Skyler, Miriam,
349
00:12:08,914 --> 00:12:10,299
- come over here for a second.
- Don't humiliate me, Dirk.
350
00:12:10,383 --> 00:12:11,883
How cool is my friend, Nick?
351
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:13,385
Are you a professor, too?
352
00:12:13,436 --> 00:12:14,686
No, no, no,
I'm a bartender.
353
00:12:14,754 --> 00:12:15,854
30 years old,
354
00:12:15,921 --> 00:12:17,389
I don't have health insurance.
355
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,975
You know how to
make drinks?
356
00:12:20,059 --> 00:12:21,760
(whispering)
Panty-melter.
357
00:12:21,811 --> 00:12:23,895
Do I know how to make drinks,
did you say?
358
00:12:23,946 --> 00:12:25,697
Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
359
00:12:25,765 --> 00:12:27,115
Yeah, I do that professionally.
360
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,284
You could get me
drunk professionally?
361
00:12:29,352 --> 00:12:30,986
Are you a cop?
362
00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:32,170
Sometimes.
363
00:12:32,238 --> 00:12:33,438
(both laugh)
364
00:12:33,489 --> 00:12:34,373
Do you have identification
on you?
365
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,607
(both laugh)
366
00:12:38,311 --> 00:12:40,162
(hip-hop music playing)
367
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:44,833
I gotta call Jenna
368
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:47,052
and tell her I'm making out
with a bartender.
369
00:12:47,119 --> 00:12:49,137
Five nights a week.
370
00:12:49,222 --> 00:12:52,457
Jess, you made it
to the party!
371
00:12:52,508 --> 00:12:54,342
What's going on?
Why is the cast
372
00:12:54,427 --> 00:12:56,011
of the Social Network
in our apartment?
373
00:12:56,095 --> 00:12:57,896
Dirk is a genius!
374
00:12:57,963 --> 00:13:00,399
20-year-old girls--
they think I'm awesome!
375
00:13:00,466 --> 00:13:02,017
And look at 'em!
376
00:13:02,101 --> 00:13:04,019
They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is
377
00:13:04,103 --> 00:13:05,353
and they've never felt pain.
378
00:13:06,438 --> 00:13:08,940
I'm Skyler's Fancyman!
379
00:13:08,991 --> 00:13:10,108
Can you believe it?
380
00:13:10,159 --> 00:13:11,493
Where's your Fancyman?
Where is he?
381
00:13:11,577 --> 00:13:13,495
I don't know.
It was horrible.
382
00:13:13,579 --> 00:13:16,815
He left and gave me
$100 for a cab!
383
00:13:16,866 --> 00:13:18,250
You know what?
384
00:13:18,317 --> 00:13:20,419
I'm gonna use
the remaining 90
385
00:13:20,486 --> 00:13:22,821
to get out of here
and start a new life.
386
00:13:22,872 --> 00:13:24,206
It's been nice
knowing you.
387
00:13:24,290 --> 00:13:27,092
ALL:
Hey...!
388
00:13:27,159 --> 00:13:28,877
I'm gonna die alone!
389
00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:30,495
Oh, no!
390
00:13:30,546 --> 00:13:33,131
I am so, so sad
right now.
391
00:13:33,182 --> 00:13:35,851
My heart hurts!
392
00:13:35,935 --> 00:13:38,220
You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze?
393
00:13:38,304 --> 00:13:40,472
- 'Cause he is so smart.
- So smart.
394
00:13:40,523 --> 00:13:42,507
Yes, I do. Yes, I do!
395
00:13:46,696 --> 00:13:48,613
This. (laughs)
396
00:13:48,681 --> 00:13:51,616
I'm not happy! 30 sucks!
397
00:13:51,684 --> 00:13:54,569
Ah, weird party move.
398
00:13:57,022 --> 00:14:01,460
♪ It's time
to try defying gravity ♪
399
00:14:01,527 --> 00:14:06,715
♪ I think I'll try
defying gravity ♪
400
00:14:06,799 --> 00:14:07,866
(whispering):
It's been two hours.
401
00:14:07,917 --> 00:14:09,217
This is
officially crazy.
402
00:14:09,302 --> 00:14:10,719
Also, I have to go
to the bathroom.
403
00:14:10,803 --> 00:14:12,137
Just pee yourself.
404
00:14:12,204 --> 00:14:13,505
So you'd rather sit
in my urine
405
00:14:13,556 --> 00:14:14,973
for the rest of the car ride
406
00:14:14,975 --> 00:14:17,259
than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?
407
00:14:17,343 --> 00:14:20,061
Yep, absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.
408
00:14:20,146 --> 00:14:22,731
I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?
409
00:14:22,815 --> 00:14:24,766
Because if people
find out,
410
00:14:24,851 --> 00:14:26,568
they're gonna have
a lot of questions,
411
00:14:26,652 --> 00:14:28,687
like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"
412
00:14:28,738 --> 00:14:31,439
And, "Seriously, why?"
413
00:14:31,524 --> 00:14:33,275
You think we have something
to ruin?
414
00:14:33,359 --> 00:14:35,827
Earlier, I was dressed
as a sex-cretary.
415
00:14:35,895 --> 00:14:38,947
And I was wearing shoulder pads.
416
00:14:39,031 --> 00:14:41,166
So I obviously
417
00:14:41,233 --> 00:14:43,368
must like sleeping with you.
418
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:46,538
A secre-tarty.
419
00:14:46,589 --> 00:14:49,124
Shut... up.
420
00:14:52,411 --> 00:14:53,979
This is pretty great.
421
00:14:54,046 --> 00:14:55,447
I'm freezing.
422
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:57,299
- Yeah.
- I'm so cold.
423
00:14:57,383 --> 00:14:59,217
How are you
not freezing?
424
00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:01,920
Does brown skin
retain heat?
425
00:15:01,971 --> 00:15:04,389
♪ Instead of dreary
who-you-were, well, are ♪
426
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,059
♪ There's nothing that can stop
you from becoming popular ♪
427
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:09,728
♪ Lar ♪
428
00:15:09,779 --> 00:15:11,730
♪ La, la ♪
429
00:15:11,781 --> 00:15:14,282
♪ La, ah-ah, ah... ♪
430
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:17,619
(cheering)
431
00:15:17,703 --> 00:15:20,071
Take out your tampon
and drink, Trevor!
432
00:15:20,122 --> 00:15:23,107
The Flip Queen has spoken!
433
00:15:23,159 --> 00:15:25,043
ALL (chanting):
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
434
00:15:25,110 --> 00:15:26,494
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
435
00:15:26,579 --> 00:15:28,964
(phone ringing)
436
00:15:29,748 --> 00:15:30,582
Shelby.
437
00:15:30,633 --> 00:15:32,083
Babe, I don't want space.
438
00:15:32,134 --> 00:15:33,501
SHELBY:
Neither do I!
439
00:15:33,586 --> 00:15:35,837
That's why
I'm at your apartment.
440
00:15:35,922 --> 00:15:37,589
I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.
441
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,307
What?!
442
00:15:39,392 --> 00:15:41,893
Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.
443
00:15:41,961 --> 00:15:43,011
Are you serious?
444
00:15:43,095 --> 00:15:44,062
I miss you, Shelby.
445
00:15:44,129 --> 00:15:45,463
You're so sexy, girl.
446
00:15:45,514 --> 00:15:47,632
In or out of the wig.
447
00:15:47,683 --> 00:15:49,651
I don't care. Shelby.
448
00:15:49,735 --> 00:15:51,636
You make me so feel brave, babe,
449
00:15:51,687 --> 00:15:53,738
and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.
450
00:15:54,306 --> 00:15:55,640
I love you.
451
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:59,194
And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.
452
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:00,645
I love you, too.
453
00:16:00,696 --> 00:16:02,647
I'm coming back, baby.
No space!
454
00:16:02,698 --> 00:16:06,184
(tires squealing)
455
00:16:06,252 --> 00:16:08,286
Are you traveling with any
non-US citizens? (laughs)
456
00:16:09,255 --> 00:16:11,707
You actually catch people
with that line?
457
00:16:12,792 --> 00:16:14,993
No, sir, just me
and my American heart...
458
00:16:16,044 --> 00:16:17,045
full of love.
459
00:16:19,215 --> 00:16:20,382
Then how do you explain...
460
00:16:22,466 --> 00:16:23,969
this?
461
00:16:25,688 --> 00:16:27,806
I can't... sir.
462
00:16:27,873 --> 00:16:29,791
(laughs)
463
00:16:29,859 --> 00:16:33,328
No one in the entire world
can explain that.
464
00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:38,028
I am so tall!
465
00:16:38,862 --> 00:16:41,781
I feel like a Chinese
basketball player.
466
00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:44,167
Russell?
467
00:16:44,234 --> 00:16:46,736
(shrieks and grunts,
crowd gasps)
468
00:16:46,787 --> 00:16:47,403
Oh.
469
00:16:47,455 --> 00:16:49,122
(whooping)
470
00:16:54,545 --> 00:16:56,046
Hey, Jess.
471
00:16:56,097 --> 00:16:57,714
I'm not Jess.
472
00:16:57,765 --> 00:17:01,101
I'm her cousin... Sylvia?
473
00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:04,137
Are you doing okay?
474
00:17:04,721 --> 00:17:06,272
I want a donut.
475
00:17:06,857 --> 00:17:10,093
Then let's get you a donut.
476
00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:11,861
Please?
477
00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,781
I want to talk
to you... alone.
478
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:19,818
Well, this is
a fun group.
479
00:17:19,903 --> 00:17:21,404
Hmm. Can you drop me off
at my dorm?
480
00:17:21,455 --> 00:17:22,288
It's called Hamilton.
481
00:17:22,873 --> 00:17:24,958
I'd like to vomit now. (grunts)
482
00:17:29,664 --> 00:17:31,047
(grunts)
483
00:17:31,115 --> 00:17:33,783
God!
484
00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:36,302
I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!
485
00:17:36,387 --> 00:17:38,672
That was bad-ass!
486
00:17:38,756 --> 00:17:40,223
- Hey, uh, kiddo.
- Okay.
487
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:41,807
- Nick, that's the road.
- What's up?
488
00:17:41,892 --> 00:17:42,726
You want the woods.
489
00:17:42,793 --> 00:17:44,144
I want the woods.
You're smart, Russ.
490
00:17:44,228 --> 00:17:45,679
- Come here.
- Hey, it was nothing.
491
00:17:45,763 --> 00:17:47,964
You're okay, Russ.
492
00:17:48,015 --> 00:17:51,101
Okay, we can hug
some more later.
493
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:52,819
This isn't her, you know.
494
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,487
She's not like us.
495
00:17:55,072 --> 00:17:56,790
She's one of the good ones.
496
00:17:58,409 --> 00:18:01,194
Time to make the
puke, Russell.
497
00:18:01,278 --> 00:18:02,946
SCHMIDT: So listen,
man, it's-it's really
498
00:18:02,997 --> 00:18:04,005
important to us
499
00:18:04,008 --> 00:18:06,149
that our completely equal
sexual relationship
500
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,317
where neither one of us
has the upper hand,
501
00:18:08,369 --> 00:18:11,504
uh, remain a secret,
and while I respect
502
00:18:11,589 --> 00:18:13,923
the fact that you listen to
Wicked while you're alone,
503
00:18:13,991 --> 00:18:16,876
I could use that information
against you
504
00:18:16,961 --> 00:18:18,828
at any point
in time.
505
00:18:18,879 --> 00:18:20,380
By the way, there's a stop sign,
like, right up...
506
00:18:20,464 --> 00:18:21,798
Is that a stop sign?
507
00:18:21,866 --> 00:18:23,400
Well, you'd probably want
to slow down...
508
00:18:23,451 --> 00:18:25,035
CECE: Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a go sign.
509
00:18:25,102 --> 00:18:26,653
I don't think
it's a go sign.
510
00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:28,822
Because if somebody like you
511
00:18:28,906 --> 00:18:31,708
is sleeping with
someone like her,
512
00:18:31,775 --> 00:18:33,910
then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!
513
00:18:33,961 --> 00:18:35,745
It's just what
I'm thinking.
514
00:18:35,796 --> 00:18:37,914
(laughs)
515
00:18:37,965 --> 00:18:39,299
And I want to
talk to you.
516
00:18:39,383 --> 00:18:41,000
I want to have a chance
to explain.
517
00:18:41,085 --> 00:18:42,752
That's okay. I understand.
518
00:18:42,803 --> 00:18:45,138
I just... I thought
519
00:18:45,222 --> 00:18:48,291
you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that
520
00:18:48,342 --> 00:18:51,594
you like dating younger girls
'cause we think you're cool.
521
00:18:51,645 --> 00:18:52,896
And you know what?
522
00:18:52,963 --> 00:18:55,148
It's working because...
523
00:18:55,232 --> 00:18:57,734
I think you're a hotty
with a body.
524
00:18:57,801 --> 00:19:00,270
Oh. Um...
525
00:19:01,337 --> 00:19:03,239
I got to tell you,
I didn't ask you out
526
00:19:03,241 --> 00:19:04,290
because you're
younger than me.
527
00:19:04,292 --> 00:19:05,825
I asked you out
because I like you.
528
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:10,497
But I-I've forgotten really
how... how to do this, you know.
529
00:19:10,581 --> 00:19:13,533
I haven't dated since 1989...
530
00:19:14,617 --> 00:19:17,353
when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.
531
00:19:17,421 --> 00:19:20,957
1989 was, my friend,
532
00:19:21,008 --> 00:19:24,260
the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.
533
00:19:24,328 --> 00:19:26,596
Oh.
534
00:19:26,663 --> 00:19:28,882
The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.
535
00:19:28,966 --> 00:19:30,266
Sarah's with her
this weekend,
536
00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:31,801
I didn't pack
her inhaler.
537
00:19:31,852 --> 00:19:33,069
She was having
an asthma attack.
538
00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:34,804
- Is Sarah okay?
- Yeah.
539
00:19:35,555 --> 00:19:37,273
Yeah. Thanks. I-I...
540
00:19:37,841 --> 00:19:39,893
I just feel like I
should have explained.
541
00:19:39,977 --> 00:19:41,511
And I really
wanted to kiss you
542
00:19:41,562 --> 00:19:43,346
- the other night.
- Really?
543
00:19:43,397 --> 00:19:45,398
I wanted to do more
than kiss you.
544
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:47,183
I'd like to do you,
at some point.
545
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:48,818
(laughs)
Like, you know, really,
546
00:19:48,869 --> 00:19:50,520
really give it to you good.
547
00:19:50,571 --> 00:19:52,288
(laughs)
548
00:19:52,356 --> 00:19:54,541
Uh, but I've forgotten
how to tell
549
00:19:54,625 --> 00:19:57,060
whether it's the right moment.
550
00:19:57,128 --> 00:19:58,862
I was nervous.
551
00:19:58,929 --> 00:20:00,830
You were nervous?
552
00:20:00,881 --> 00:20:03,199
Nick was right.
553
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:06,035
He can be really wise sometimes.
554
00:20:06,086 --> 00:20:07,754
Oh, my God,
it's happening!
555
00:20:07,838 --> 00:20:10,473
It's coming!
I think I'm dying!
556
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:12,575
I feel scared
and excited!
557
00:20:12,643 --> 00:20:13,893
(vomiting)
558
00:20:13,978 --> 00:20:15,562
(laughs)
(continues vomiting)
559
00:20:16,146 --> 00:20:17,347
What do you think?
560
00:20:17,398 --> 00:20:19,265
What do I think of what?
561
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:20,984
Do you think now
is the right moment?
562
00:20:21,051 --> 00:20:22,752
I think so.
563
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,487
Okay.
564
00:20:24,555 --> 00:20:27,323
NICK:
Get out of me, you poison!
565
00:20:27,391 --> 00:20:30,026
(liquid splashes)
566
00:20:30,077 --> 00:20:32,695
Wait. Is that your hand?
567
00:20:33,146 --> 00:20:34,497
No.
568
00:20:34,565 --> 00:20:35,915
That's my hand.
569
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,067
- Oh, my God!
- You're welcome.
570
00:20:38,118 --> 00:20:40,203
Get out of here, Dirk!
571
00:20:40,254 --> 00:20:41,571
(muttering):
You get out of here...
572
00:20:41,622 --> 00:20:43,790
Come here.
573
00:20:43,874 --> 00:20:46,409
(exhales loudly)
574
00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:49,712
(groans)
575
00:20:49,763 --> 00:20:52,248
Hey!
576
00:20:52,299 --> 00:20:54,750
Oh, no!
577
00:20:54,802 --> 00:20:57,937
Where are you guys?
578
00:20:58,022 --> 00:21:01,407
(phone ringing)
(sighs)
579
00:21:01,492 --> 00:21:02,859
Hello?
580
00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:04,227
NICK:
Hey, where are you guys?
581
00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:06,579
Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?
582
00:21:06,664 --> 00:21:08,798
When does a hill
become a mountain?
583
00:21:08,866 --> 00:21:12,001
It just happened.
584
00:21:12,069 --> 00:21:13,536
I'm so cold.
585
00:21:13,587 --> 00:21:14,737
DIRK:
Who is this?
586
00:21:17,574 --> 00:21:18,791
(sighs)
587
00:21:20,177 --> 00:21:23,412
Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!
588
00:21:23,464 --> 00:21:25,947
(sobbing):
Dirk is dead!
589
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,447
Greatest guy I knew.
590
00:21:30,449 --> 00:21:35,450
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