1
00:00:00,742 --> 00:00:03,734
Okay, well, it's too
small to be a cat hotel

2
00:00:03,759 --> 00:00:05,718
and it's too big to be pants.

3
00:00:05,743 --> 00:00:06,570
So it's not mine.

4
00:00:06,595 --> 00:00:08,844
Me neither. I pick up all
my deliveries at the port.

5
00:00:08,869 --> 00:00:10,335
- The what? At the port?
- Yeah.

6
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,210
What are you doing at the port?

7
00:00:11,216 --> 00:00:13,403
Picking up my deliveries. Listen.

8
00:00:14,936 --> 00:00:16,372
You drive all the way
down to the port?

9
00:00:16,397 --> 00:00:18,832
- Yes.
- Well, it's not mine. I only buy local.

10
00:00:19,318 --> 00:00:22,120
Except, of course, for clothing
and produce. Medication,

11
00:00:22,154 --> 00:00:24,153
- water, seasoning, meat.
- Maybe it's Cece's.

12
00:00:24,178 --> 00:00:26,215
- Isn't she packing up her apartment?
- It's not Cece's.

13
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,208
She's packing right now,
and Jess is going over there later

14
00:00:28,243 --> 00:00:31,411
to toast the place good-bye.
'Cause they're adorable.

15
00:00:31,446 --> 00:00:33,347
- Would you consider us adorable?
- No,

16
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:34,872
we're adult men.

17
00:00:35,271 --> 00:00:36,271
We're cute.

18
00:00:36,817 --> 00:00:38,385
Oh, hey!

19
00:00:38,419 --> 00:00:40,387
My box is here.

20
00:00:40,421 --> 00:00:42,889
- Do you need help?
- Oh...

21
00:00:42,924 --> 00:00:45,359
Yeah, I was just gonna put it...
Put it down right there.

22
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:46,956
- Awesome.
- Jess, is it me,

23
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:49,810
or has your job
become a poo poo festival?

24
00:00:49,835 --> 00:00:53,533
No, it's fine. It's just the
new principal, Becky Cavatappi.

25
00:00:53,568 --> 00:00:56,737
She took over for Foster
when he retired. I do all her work

26
00:00:56,771 --> 00:00:59,473
and she does all the
working of her cleavage.

27
00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:02,309
But the budget's your job, Becky.

28
00:01:02,343 --> 00:01:04,566
Ah... Principal Cavatappi.

29
00:01:04,591 --> 00:01:05,979
Like I always say:

30
00:01:06,013 --> 00:01:08,548
Don't call me Becky unless
you're riding me like a horse.

31
00:01:09,617 --> 00:01:11,388
We work in a middle school.

32
00:01:12,481 --> 00:01:13,519
Really.

33
00:01:13,544 --> 00:01:17,157
This is the budget,
or the next week of my life.

34
00:01:18,092 --> 00:01:19,660
You know what they say...

35
00:01:19,694 --> 00:01:21,929
your life is just
weeks and then you die.

36
00:01:22,463 --> 00:01:23,599
Uh, Jess,

37
00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:25,032
- are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah.

38
00:01:25,066 --> 00:01:27,034
I just got this for
a little stress relief.

39
00:01:27,568 --> 00:01:29,169
Oh, Schmidt,

40
00:01:29,203 --> 00:01:30,971
will you be a dear and text Cece

41
00:01:31,005 --> 00:01:33,073
and tell her I'm gonna be
about, like, ten minutes late?

42
00:01:33,107 --> 00:01:34,241
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

43
00:01:34,275 --> 00:01:35,275
Aah!

44
00:01:37,286 --> 00:01:39,179
Becky! Becky!

45
00:01:39,213 --> 00:01:40,514
I hate you!

46
00:01:44,819 --> 00:01:46,569
S05E11
The Apartment

47
00:01:46,594 --> 00:01:48,144
Synced and corrected by
Chitorafa www.addic7ed.com

48
00:01:50,708 --> 00:01:51,458
Hi!

49
00:01:51,492 --> 00:01:54,061
- Hello.
- Look who I brought. The French.

50
00:01:54,095 --> 00:01:55,929
Bonjour. Oh, it's
Prosecco, it's Italian.

51
00:01:55,964 --> 00:01:58,027
So grazie.

52
00:01:58,052 --> 00:01:59,842
Oh, it's Polish Prosecco.

53
00:01:59,867 --> 00:02:02,736
So that's on me for
buying it at a gas station.

54
00:02:02,770 --> 00:02:04,571
Long week of work ahead of me.

55
00:02:04,605 --> 00:02:06,606
- I'm looking forward to a fun night!
- Okay, Jess, I should

56
00:02:06,641 --> 00:02:08,286
tell you before I...

57
00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:11,378
I know I said I was done
packing, but I'm not done,

58
00:02:11,412 --> 00:02:13,080
and the reason I'm not done
is because I didn't do anything,

59
00:02:13,114 --> 00:02:14,915
and I have to get out before tomorrow,

60
00:02:14,949 --> 00:02:16,216
otherwise I lose my deposit.

61
00:02:16,251 --> 00:02:17,217
Oh, Cece.

62
00:02:17,252 --> 00:02:19,519
- I know.
- Cece, Cece, Cece.

63
00:02:21,302 --> 00:02:24,658
Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece, Cece...

64
00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:27,561
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Winston.

65
00:02:27,595 --> 00:02:30,664
I did it. I told Aly
I need a new partner.

66
00:02:30,698 --> 00:02:32,933
- What? I thought you had a crush on her.
- Yeah.

67
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,534
Well, exactly. You know,
here's the problem.

68
00:02:34,569 --> 00:02:36,708
She keeps talking about
her boyfriend and his

69
00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:39,106
"ass that you want
to open on Christmas."

70
00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:40,107
- What?
- But it's fine.

71
00:02:40,141 --> 00:02:41,108
You know,

72
00:02:41,142 --> 00:02:42,142
she took it better than I thought.

73
00:02:42,176 --> 00:02:43,610
Screw you.

74
00:02:44,349 --> 00:02:45,312
Here's your crap:

75
00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:47,481
Lucky crystal, key chain fart marker,

76
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,783
over a hundred yogurt tops,

77
00:02:49,817 --> 00:02:51,318
your flattened penny collection,

78
00:02:51,352 --> 00:02:54,121
a signed copy of a
Paul Reiser biography,

79
00:02:54,155 --> 00:02:55,988
baby carrot thumb drive,

80
00:02:56,013 --> 00:02:58,258
a picture of you and Dave Coulier,

81
00:02:58,293 --> 00:03:00,861
loose Pez, my mom's cell number,

82
00:03:00,895 --> 00:03:03,463
a ticket stub from Urinetown.

83
00:03:03,498 --> 00:03:05,165
When did you even see that?

84
00:03:07,001 --> 00:03:09,044
- Why? Why?
- Oh, have you...

85
00:03:09,068 --> 00:03:10,255
Have you tried 'em on?

86
00:03:11,208 --> 00:03:13,340
Oh, and your Pure Mood CD.

87
00:03:13,374 --> 00:03:16,910
This thing makes me want
to swim into a boat motor.

88
00:03:16,945 --> 00:03:18,903
Oh...

89
00:03:20,044 --> 00:03:21,315
new partner's here.

90
00:03:21,349 --> 00:03:24,685
Guys, as they say,
when one chapter ends,

91
00:03:24,719 --> 00:03:27,354
a bridge appears,
and then you cross that bridge

92
00:03:27,388 --> 00:03:30,138
and make lemonade out of a molehill.

93
00:03:30,435 --> 00:03:31,258
Okay.

94
00:03:31,292 --> 00:03:33,327
Hiya, partner.

95
00:03:33,361 --> 00:03:35,996
That's, uh, "hi" in karate. Hiya!

96
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:37,798
That's cool.

97
00:03:38,614 --> 00:03:41,239
You don't mind if we listen
to some car jams, do you?

98
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,637
Well, man, let's just
get right to track seven.

99
00:03:46,107 --> 00:03:47,174
Elation.

100
00:03:52,614 --> 00:03:53,814
Oh!

101
00:03:53,848 --> 00:03:55,916
- I'm okay, it's fine, it's fine, yeah.
- You okay, you good?

102
00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:57,551
It's not gonna end well for these two.

103
00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,286
I wouldn't trust him
to watch a ball pit.

104
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,536
Hey, could I get a cream soda?

105
00:04:01,561 --> 00:04:04,024
Dude, we both know
what you're gonna do.

106
00:04:04,058 --> 00:04:05,759
Don't. It's not cool.

107
00:04:10,435 --> 00:04:12,232
What? We have a flasher.

108
00:04:15,466 --> 00:04:17,170
You know what, maybe if
we get drunk, then magically

109
00:04:17,205 --> 00:04:18,672
everything will just happen.

110
00:04:18,706 --> 00:04:19,673
No, no.

111
00:04:19,707 --> 00:04:21,108
No drinking until you've packed.

112
00:04:21,142 --> 00:04:22,342
Look, I get

113
00:04:22,377 --> 00:04:24,344
that you're freaking out about moving,

114
00:04:24,378 --> 00:04:26,179
but we can do this. We need to make

115
00:04:26,214 --> 00:04:27,681
a keep pile and a toss pile, okay?

116
00:04:27,715 --> 00:04:29,216
Keep or toss, keep or toss.

117
00:04:29,250 --> 00:04:31,685
Ugh.

118
00:04:31,719 --> 00:04:35,255
Uh... Hi, Becky. Sorry,
Principal Cavatappi.

119
00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:37,157
Jess, remember that binder?

120
00:04:37,192 --> 00:04:38,859
Yeah. Yup, I've got it right here.

121
00:04:38,893 --> 00:04:40,560
I'll have it done

122
00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:41,595
by the end of the week.

123
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:43,997
Yeah, I mixed up the budget due date.

124
00:04:44,032 --> 00:04:45,265
I took my contacts out

125
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,466
'cause they're ugly.

126
00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:48,235
So I kind of can't read stuff.

127
00:04:48,269 --> 00:04:49,716
I'll need it tomorrow.

128
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:52,706
Um... Uh, yeah,

129
00:04:52,740 --> 00:04:54,581
uh, but it's a week's worth of work.

130
00:04:54,606 --> 00:04:57,002
You get it done or you're fired.

131
00:04:57,810 --> 00:04:59,813
I have to do a week's
worth of work in a night.

132
00:05:00,949 --> 00:05:02,389
So we got to get through this quick.

133
00:05:02,417 --> 00:05:04,146
Keep or toss, keep or toss.

134
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:06,296
Cece, that sweatshirt
has a wine stain on it

135
00:05:06,321 --> 00:05:08,255
and an off-brand
Looney Tunes character.

136
00:05:08,289 --> 00:05:10,824
George Bunny? Who the hell is that?

137
00:05:10,858 --> 00:05:12,359
You're right. Keep.

138
00:05:12,393 --> 00:05:14,317
- Toss!
- No, keep, keep!

139
00:05:15,123 --> 00:05:18,285
I'm calling the cops. There is
a man pulling out his privates

140
00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:19,944
- in our bar.
- Oh, big whoop.

141
00:05:19,979 --> 00:05:22,113
It used to be worse.
It used to be more interactive.

142
00:05:22,148 --> 00:05:23,848
- What do mean, interactive?
- Interactive.

143
00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:25,850
- You showed, too?
- No, it was more like tennis,

144
00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:27,719
like...

145
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,053
Exit.

146
00:05:29,088 --> 00:05:30,388
What's the second...

147
00:05:33,526 --> 00:05:35,126
Now it's just...

148
00:05:35,362 --> 00:05:36,362
And I'm...

149
00:05:37,354 --> 00:05:39,054
This is a problem. Wi-Winston.

150
00:05:39,079 --> 00:05:41,113
New partner is working out great, man.

151
00:05:41,138 --> 00:05:42,839
You know, we have a lot in common.

152
00:05:42,873 --> 00:05:45,375
Both have cats,
both partially blind...

153
00:05:45,409 --> 00:05:46,876
me, color, him, night.

154
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,903
Well, that sounds dangerous.
Winston, listen to me.

155
00:05:48,928 --> 00:05:50,547
We have some very
serious police business here.

156
00:05:50,581 --> 00:05:52,849
The bar has a flasher. A strange man

157
00:05:52,883 --> 00:05:55,466
is regularly showing
Nick his funky soup bone.

158
00:05:55,498 --> 00:05:56,932
I'm sure he doesn't even care.

159
00:05:56,967 --> 00:06:00,202
I care about that greatly,
Nick. I will be right there.

160
00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:02,471
- Whoa, partner.
- Oh, oh,

161
00:06:02,505 --> 00:06:04,273
- oh, my goodness. Hey, didn't see...
- Seat's taken.

162
00:06:04,307 --> 00:06:07,409
- The seat was taken there, Winston, I...
- Yeah, I usually ride shotgun

163
00:06:07,444 --> 00:06:10,379
because I get motion
sickness as a decision-maker.

164
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:12,181
Yeah, well, I lose all hand strength

165
00:06:12,215 --> 00:06:14,783
with absolutely no warning. Just...

166
00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:17,153
Damn it.

167
00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,155
Mm... I'm sorry, I'll be fast. Mm...

168
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,226
Mm...

169
00:06:24,261 --> 00:06:27,808
Mm...

170
00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:29,106
Time's up. It's a toss.

171
00:06:29,131 --> 00:06:30,631
No, that was actually an award.

172
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,364
- Toss. Next.
- Jessica...

173
00:06:34,121 --> 00:06:36,815
Now, okay, look, that hat
has a very important memory.

174
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,375
Hey.

175
00:06:39,409 --> 00:06:41,739
I-I'm sorry I'm so bad at doggy-style.

176
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,545
Do you really want to
remember Sir Miss-A-Lot?

177
00:06:44,579 --> 00:06:46,880
This is all important
stuff from my single life.

178
00:06:46,915 --> 00:06:48,982
I think I need to go
through the pile again.

179
00:06:49,017 --> 00:06:51,251
You know what, you're right.
Let's go through everything again.

180
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,786
Can you just come
with me to the hallway

181
00:06:52,821 --> 00:06:54,788
and take a look at a
pile I made out there?

182
00:06:54,823 --> 00:06:56,028
Oh, yeah, okay.

183
00:06:56,341 --> 00:06:58,325
- I just really appreciate it.
- Mm-hmm.

184
00:06:58,359 --> 00:06:59,993
I know you got a lot of work to do.

185
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,061
Yeah, so it's...

186
00:07:02,864 --> 00:07:05,165
I have to finish packing
so I can work on the binder!

187
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,734
You made me do this!
I'm shutting this tiny door!

188
00:07:07,769 --> 00:07:09,739
- Jessica, open the door!
- You're a terrible packer!

189
00:07:09,764 --> 00:07:11,438
Jessica, open the door!

190
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,441
Your favorite team is the
Green Bay... Not Packers.

191
00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:15,843
Let me in, okay? Because, you know,

192
00:07:15,877 --> 00:07:17,177
if I'm out here too long,
I'm gonna run into...

193
00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:19,217
Hey, neighbor, you dig turtles?

194
00:07:20,114 --> 00:07:21,181
It's not a big deal.

195
00:07:21,216 --> 00:07:22,549
I've been flashed by, like,

196
00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:24,585
seven or eight different
people since college.

197
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:26,059
- What?
- You guys have been flashed?

198
00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:26,987
- No.
- Never.

199
00:07:27,021 --> 00:07:28,455
Everybody's been flashed

200
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,958
- countless times, right?
- No.

201
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:34,361
Oh, it's just me who's been
flashed about 300 times?

202
00:07:34,395 --> 00:07:37,300
- What?
- You guys have never been flashed?

203
00:07:37,325 --> 00:07:38,761
- No.
- Never.

204
00:07:38,786 --> 00:07:40,567
Not even on, like, holidays?

205
00:07:40,602 --> 00:07:41,568
No!

206
00:07:41,603 --> 00:07:43,003
Not even, like, after the Olympics?

207
00:07:43,403 --> 00:07:45,586
Hey, guys, I still
can't find the bathroom.

208
00:07:45,611 --> 00:07:46,707
Where did you guys say it was again?

209
00:07:46,741 --> 00:07:47,841
This place is like a maze.

210
00:07:47,876 --> 00:07:50,544
Dunston, it's...
it's one big room, buddy.

211
00:07:51,317 --> 00:07:53,080
Never mind. I don't
have to go anymore.

212
00:07:53,114 --> 00:07:54,648
No, no, no, no,
you're fine, you're fine.

213
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,850
You've had, like, two tubs
of soda. You-you need to go.

214
00:07:56,885 --> 00:07:57,951
Yeah, I do have to go.

215
00:07:57,986 --> 00:07:59,153
It's right back there to the left.

216
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,220
- Okay.
- Yeah, right past

217
00:08:00,255 --> 00:08:01,255
the pop...

218
00:08:01,771 --> 00:08:03,490
Someone call about a flasher?

219
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:04,958
Oh.

220
00:08:04,993 --> 00:08:06,059
Just responding

221
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,227
to a call about a flasher.

222
00:08:07,262 --> 00:08:09,196
Oh, yes. Uh, there is no need.

223
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:10,998
Dunston and I have got this, so...

224
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,599
Oh, how is Dunston?

225
00:08:12,634 --> 00:08:15,803
- Huh? I hear he's blind and weird.
- No. No, he's great.

226
00:08:15,837 --> 00:08:18,722
- Ah.
- Dunston gets it done... ston.

227
00:08:18,747 --> 00:08:20,974
And that's how we win.. ston!

228
00:08:21,009 --> 00:08:22,142
Oh.

229
00:08:22,177 --> 00:08:23,810
- How are you?
- Really good.

230
00:08:23,845 --> 00:08:25,886
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, Hutch is one hell of a cop.

231
00:08:25,911 --> 00:08:26,780
I'm very strong.

232
00:08:26,815 --> 00:08:28,115
Punch my stomach. Try.

233
00:08:28,149 --> 00:08:29,349
- I mean, I will.
- It won't hurt.

234
00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:30,651
- Okay.
- It won't hurt.

235
00:08:31,686 --> 00:08:32,820
- God.
- Mm-hmm.

236
00:08:32,854 --> 00:08:33,987
That's amazing.

237
00:08:34,022 --> 00:08:35,422
- Dunston. Bathroom.
- Yeah?

238
00:08:35,456 --> 00:08:36,481
Oh, that's right.

239
00:08:36,825 --> 00:08:38,358
- Dunston?
- Ah.

240
00:08:39,005 --> 00:08:41,361
- Dunston?
- No, I know.

241
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,163
You're in good hands.

242
00:08:43,198 --> 00:08:45,165
- I hope you're happy, too.
- Great!

243
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,567
- Great!
- Great.

244
00:08:46,601 --> 00:08:47,668
Great!

245
00:08:49,325 --> 00:08:51,253
Somebody call the G8 Summit

246
00:08:51,278 --> 00:08:53,006
because I just felt
the climate change.

247
00:08:53,041 --> 00:08:54,041
I don't get that.

248
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,009
Hmm. Excuse me.

249
00:08:56,044 --> 00:08:58,011
You know where the bathroom is?

250
00:08:58,513 --> 00:09:00,192
- It's not back here.
- Right.

251
00:09:00,982 --> 00:09:02,950
If you throw out one more thing,

252
00:09:02,984 --> 00:09:05,605
I am gonna hurl my
body against the door!

253
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,521
Okay, fine, I am gonna do it.

254
00:09:07,555 --> 00:09:09,475
I hope I don't hurt myself!

255
00:09:10,992 --> 00:09:13,670
Ow!

256
00:09:13,695 --> 00:09:15,129
You think I don't know
those were hands?

257
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,463
- That was a slap sound!
- Yeah.

258
00:09:16,498 --> 00:09:18,198
Okay, you're right,
it's a slapping sound,

259
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:21,668
but I-I think I overdid it
and I really hurt my wrist.

260
00:09:21,703 --> 00:09:23,570
It's, like, swelling.

261
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,606
I'm telling the truth,
okay? It really hurts.

262
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,674
Just, can you please open the door?

263
00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:29,243
And now my wrists are fine!

264
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,075
You snake! You rattlesnake!

265
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,214
- Oh, my God, everything's gone.
- Look, Cece,

266
00:09:36,239 --> 00:09:38,318
I know you're freaking out
about leaving the apartment,

267
00:09:38,352 --> 00:09:39,686
but if you think of it like...

268
00:09:39,721 --> 00:09:42,238
No. It's just, it's not
just the apartment.

269
00:09:42,263 --> 00:09:44,358
It's just... it's... it's all of it.

270
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,253
Everything is changing!

271
00:09:46,278 --> 00:09:47,661
I'm not gonna have this place anymore,

272
00:09:47,695 --> 00:09:49,467
and I'm getting married.

273
00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:54,101
Oh, my God, Jess, I'm getting married.

274
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,428
Are you having second thoughts?

275
00:09:55,451 --> 00:09:56,403
No, no. I... I know I want

276
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:58,122
to marry Schmidt more
than anything in the world.

277
00:09:58,147 --> 00:09:59,147
It's just...

278
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,652
everything is gonna change,
and I am scared.

279
00:10:02,677 --> 00:10:04,144
Oh, honey.

280
00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:06,980
Oh, my little breakfast link.

281
00:10:07,611 --> 00:10:09,282
Okay, now, look,
we don't have time for this.

282
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,884
Okay, you have to work on your binder.

283
00:10:14,716 --> 00:10:16,089
Forget the binder.

284
00:10:16,124 --> 00:10:18,738
Right now this is more important.

285
00:10:18,903 --> 00:10:20,864
- So you know what we're gonna do?
- What?

286
00:10:21,942 --> 00:10:23,214
We're gonna get

287
00:10:23,239 --> 00:10:24,531
into it!

288
00:10:24,566 --> 00:10:27,528
- I'm gonna take my pants off!
- What? Why?

289
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:30,409
- So, Nick, can you describe the suspect?
- Mr. Miller, can you describe the suspect?

290
00:10:30,995 --> 00:10:32,162
Uh, are you doing the interview, or...?

291
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:33,330
Oh, yeah, I'm usually
the interview guy.

292
00:10:33,364 --> 00:10:35,031
- Oh, that's okay.
- No, you can take it.

293
00:10:35,066 --> 00:10:37,334
- I'll take it, dude, if it's not a big deal.
- Hey, well, it can be either...

294
00:10:37,368 --> 00:10:39,569
No, I'm used to it, too, but you're
used to it, so it's not a big deal for me.

295
00:10:39,604 --> 00:10:40,893
Well, I mean, I'm used to it,
but I'm open to new things.

296
00:10:40,918 --> 00:10:42,305
Okay, yeah, but to the count of three.

297
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:43,406
- Just-just-just please...
- We're just gonna do it.

298
00:10:43,441 --> 00:10:44,221
One, two, three.

299
00:10:44,246 --> 00:10:45,675
- You do it.
- I can... I'm gonna go.

300
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:49,142
He was average size,
thin, wispy blond hair.

301
00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:50,780
Oddly shaped, kind of came to a point.

302
00:10:50,815 --> 00:10:52,415
- Uh, what does that mean?
- Top heavy.

303
00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:55,051
A bit of a scar as if like
from a hook or something.

304
00:10:55,086 --> 00:10:57,454
Gross. Ugh. Uh, anything else?

305
00:10:57,488 --> 00:10:59,122
I think that about does it.
You want me to describe

306
00:10:59,156 --> 00:11:00,123
what his face and body looked like?

307
00:11:00,157 --> 00:11:01,691
Yeah, that'd be... Wait.

308
00:11:01,726 --> 00:11:03,760
Have you been describing
his penis this whole time?

309
00:11:03,794 --> 00:11:04,760
All right, that's it. I'm done.

310
00:11:04,785 --> 00:11:06,263
I'm not even the one
that called you guys.

311
00:11:06,297 --> 00:11:07,448
Man!

312
00:11:07,472 --> 00:11:08,103
And to be fair,

313
00:11:08,128 --> 00:11:10,209
I knew he was talking about
a penis the whole time.

314
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:11,103
See?

315
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,548
That is way too real!

316
00:11:12,573 --> 00:11:14,070
Aggressively detailed.

317
00:11:14,105 --> 00:11:15,505
I had to guess on the testicles,

318
00:11:15,539 --> 00:11:16,779
'cause he hadn't described 'em.

319
00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:22,979
You know what it is? It's just
that there's no turning back.

320
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:25,248
I mean, who am I when
I leave this apartment?

321
00:11:25,283 --> 00:11:27,081
"Mrs. Cece Schmidt?"

322
00:11:27,106 --> 00:11:31,087
"Cece Schmidt" sounds like
the mayor of an evil Swiss town.

323
00:11:31,122 --> 00:11:32,958
It does.

324
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:33,757
Oh, my God.

325
00:11:33,791 --> 00:11:35,191
Did I tell you that Schmidt thinks

326
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:37,060
that we should drop our last names

327
00:11:37,094 --> 00:11:38,495
and make up a new one?

328
00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,397
He is currently, at the moment,

329
00:11:40,431 --> 00:11:43,667
leaning towards Zenith and Telluride.

330
00:11:43,701 --> 00:11:46,069
I don't hate Telluride.

331
00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:48,238
Getting married is
just such a big leap.

332
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,240
You leap big all the time!

333
00:11:50,274 --> 00:11:53,076
You moved here at 18 with
nothing but a bunch of chokers.

334
00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:54,844
Isn't it amazing?!

335
00:11:54,879 --> 00:11:56,179
And it's mine.

336
00:11:56,213 --> 00:11:58,915
Yeah, there's also a
knife stuck in the wall.

337
00:11:58,950 --> 00:11:59,764
Oh, look!

338
00:11:59,789 --> 00:12:00,881
Someone left a spoon

339
00:12:00,906 --> 00:12:01,874
with some rock candy in it.

340
00:12:01,899 --> 00:12:03,133
I wonder what flavor it is.

341
00:12:03,842 --> 00:12:05,622
This is a way bigger leap.

342
00:12:05,656 --> 00:12:08,658
Ugh! Becky! You sloppy boob lizard!

343
00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:11,263
Principal Cavatappi!

344
00:12:11,288 --> 00:12:14,077
Oh, yeah, the binder.
Yup, I've got it right...

345
00:12:16,139 --> 00:12:17,067
...here.

346
00:12:17,101 --> 00:12:18,702
Where's the binder?

347
00:12:18,736 --> 00:12:20,170
Um, yeah, uh, sorry. Uh...

348
00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:21,938
Um, yeah, I've got it right here.

349
00:12:21,973 --> 00:12:23,640
Find it. Find it.

350
00:12:23,674 --> 00:12:25,041
You packed it somewhere?!

351
00:12:25,076 --> 00:12:27,611
- Yeah, I can turn to page 13. Hold on.
- Oh. Chuka.

352
00:12:27,645 --> 00:12:29,112
Chuka, chuka, chuka.

353
00:12:29,146 --> 00:12:30,347
- Chuka.
- What is that?

354
00:12:30,381 --> 00:12:31,481
That was a page-turning noise.

355
00:12:31,515 --> 00:12:33,616
- Chuka, chuka...
- Um, yup, I see the graph.

356
00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:37,520
Chuk, chuka, chuk, chuk!

357
00:12:37,555 --> 00:12:39,055
Jess?

358
00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:40,623
Do you remember Rosarito?!

359
00:12:42,581 --> 00:12:45,049
We don't have much to go on,
but I'll run your description.

360
00:12:45,162 --> 00:12:46,374
Hopefully, Dunston wouldn't have

361
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,698
spilled coffee all over the radio.

362
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:53,003
You know, he brews his own
and drinks it out of a sandwich bag.

363
00:12:54,705 --> 00:12:55,572
Winston,

364
00:12:55,606 --> 00:12:57,106
just call Aly and tell her

365
00:12:57,141 --> 00:12:58,475
that you want to be partners again.

366
00:12:58,509 --> 00:13:00,477
Ugh. Look, guys, I...

367
00:13:00,511 --> 00:13:02,279
I cannot.

368
00:13:02,313 --> 00:13:04,814
I just cannot hear
about Aly's boyfriend

369
00:13:04,839 --> 00:13:08,122
and his ass that don't quit, okay?

370
00:13:08,147 --> 00:13:10,320
My ass don't quit! What about my ass?!

371
00:13:10,354 --> 00:13:12,944
- Winston, please call Aly.
- Seriously, dude.

372
00:13:13,936 --> 00:13:15,992
- There he is.
- Hey, do you have

373
00:13:16,027 --> 00:13:17,394
- any, uh...?
- Freeze, buddy!

374
00:13:17,428 --> 00:13:19,162
Oh, yeah, freeze!

375
00:13:19,196 --> 00:13:20,663
Wait! Hey!

376
00:13:20,698 --> 00:13:21,931
- Oh.
- Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

377
00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:24,768
Yeah! Got him!

378
00:13:24,802 --> 00:13:26,870
All right! Dunston!

379
00:13:26,904 --> 00:13:28,838
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah, man. I'm not normally

380
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:30,206
- the cuff guy, but I'll do it.
- Yeah, me, either.

381
00:13:30,241 --> 00:13:31,741
- But I'll do it.
- One size fits all, right?

382
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:34,520
- Yeah, I guess it's...
- Man, I just said,

383
00:13:34,545 --> 00:13:36,246
- I'll be the cuff guy!
- I'm not normally the cuff...

384
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,447
But, yeah, but if I'm
not normally the...

385
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:39,516
Then if you're not...
but I'm not normally.

386
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:40,850
- Now, I'm doing...
- Okay, okay, count of three. Count of three.

387
00:13:40,885 --> 00:13:42,158
- Who is the cuff guy? One.
- All right. One.

388
00:13:42,183 --> 00:13:43,664
Two, three, four.

389
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:44,955
- Five, six. See?
- Five. Mm.

390
00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:47,123
- All right. Three.
- Three.

391
00:13:47,158 --> 00:13:48,291
Two, one,

392
00:13:48,326 --> 00:13:50,093
- zero, negative one. Damn it!
- That...!

393
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:51,895
Winston, Dunston! Dunston!

394
00:13:51,929 --> 00:13:52,929
Go! Hey!

395
00:13:57,142 --> 00:13:58,657
I got to say...

396
00:13:59,064 --> 00:14:01,314
he never comes in twice in a night.

397
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:02,806
I just hope he's okay.

398
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,709
I'm alarmed by how
connected to this man you feel.

399
00:14:05,734 --> 00:14:07,517
I just hope the best for him.

400
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,703
I am so dead.

401
00:14:11,728 --> 00:14:12,982
If I don't find this binder, I'm gonna

402
00:14:13,017 --> 00:14:15,437
- need a really good excuse. Oh, wait, Cece?
- Mm.

403
00:14:15,462 --> 00:14:16,987
Can you break my
arm just a little bit?

404
00:14:17,021 --> 00:14:19,251
- No!
- You're right. It's better if I do it myself.

405
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,490
Okay, you know what? Hey!

406
00:14:20,524 --> 00:14:22,959
Hey, can I just throw
something out there?

407
00:14:22,994 --> 00:14:24,494
What if you quit?

408
00:14:24,528 --> 00:14:25,795
I want to quit.

409
00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:28,265
God, do I want to quit,
but I can't! I can't!

410
00:14:28,299 --> 00:14:33,322
You can quit. Because this Becky
lady is making you miserable.

411
00:14:33,626 --> 00:14:36,006
You were always someone
who loved their job.

412
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:38,942
♪ It's my first day
of teaching in L.A. ♪

413
00:14:38,976 --> 00:14:40,410
♪ And I'm giving my job ♪

414
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:44,781
♪ A big fat "A..." ♪

415
00:14:46,579 --> 00:14:48,718
You remember the last
time I was unemployed?

416
00:14:48,743 --> 00:14:50,681
I ran out of things to knit.

417
00:14:50,853 --> 00:14:53,657
- I knit a condom.
- Oh, the yarn-dom.

418
00:14:53,691 --> 00:14:55,992
- I pray this was never used.
- Okay, remember earlier

419
00:14:56,027 --> 00:14:57,947
when you told me to leap?

420
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,496
You should leap.

421
00:14:59,923 --> 00:15:01,109
I don't leap.

422
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:04,167
I take small planned steps,
like an arthritic dog.

423
00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:10,480
Really?

424
00:15:13,911 --> 00:15:16,562
The last listing is a loft downtown.

425
00:15:16,587 --> 00:15:17,758
Bad area.

426
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:20,817
The ad just says it's
"sunsoaked and beige-y."

427
00:15:20,851 --> 00:15:23,697
I don't know. They seem
like three nice girls.

428
00:15:29,009 --> 00:15:31,761
And now I am marrying
one of those girls

429
00:15:31,796 --> 00:15:33,697
and totally freaking out about it.

430
00:15:33,731 --> 00:15:34,998
You know who you
need to talk to, right?

431
00:15:35,032 --> 00:15:37,467
- Yes. Definitely. Winston.
- No.

432
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:38,802
- What the hell?
- What?

433
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:40,470
I'm gone for two months,
and all of a sudden

434
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,914
Winston's a bridesmaid? Never mind.

435
00:15:42,939 --> 00:15:44,307
- You need to call Schmidt.
- No.

436
00:15:44,341 --> 00:15:46,943
No, I can't call him and
tell him that I'm scared.

437
00:15:46,977 --> 00:15:50,313
I think that that's
what getting married is.

438
00:15:51,449 --> 00:15:53,243
Sharing all this,

439
00:15:53,751 --> 00:15:55,185
all the things you're afraid of,

440
00:15:55,219 --> 00:15:57,554
all the things that embarrass you,

441
00:15:57,588 --> 00:15:59,493
weak doggy-style guy.

442
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:03,927
You got to call Schmidt.

443
00:16:05,056 --> 00:16:06,509
All right.

444
00:16:07,431 --> 00:16:10,031
A voice call, Jess?

445
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,702
Let me guess, a family of
ducks is crossing the street.

446
00:16:12,737 --> 00:16:15,422
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's me. It's me. Um, so...

447
00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:16,447
okay, um,

448
00:16:16,474 --> 00:16:19,442
I love you but I am freaking
out about getting married.

449
00:16:19,477 --> 00:16:21,277
Cece, what? What's-what's
going on? What's happening?

450
00:16:21,312 --> 00:16:23,947
Well, I just... I don't... I don't...

451
00:16:23,981 --> 00:16:25,281
Oh, no. Um,

452
00:16:25,316 --> 00:16:26,916
Jess, it's Becky. It's Becky.

453
00:16:26,951 --> 00:16:28,551
What-what-what do you want me to do?

454
00:16:28,586 --> 00:16:30,387
- What do I do? What do I do?
- Don't answer it. Don't answer it.

455
00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:33,422
What? Who's Becky?
What's a Becky? What's happening?

456
00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:36,393
Don't answer it.

457
00:16:37,017 --> 00:16:38,428
Do not answer it.

458
00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:39,629
I'm gonna answer it.

459
00:16:39,664 --> 00:16:40,363
What?

460
00:16:40,398 --> 00:16:42,365
Hello! Hi. Uh, yeah,

461
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,534
so, this is Cece Parikh,
and you are treating my friend

462
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:46,269
very badly.

463
00:16:46,303 --> 00:16:47,971
What? Put Jess on.

464
00:16:48,005 --> 00:16:51,508
No, no, no, no. You are
done using my friend, okay?

465
00:16:51,542 --> 00:16:53,710
So she... quits.

466
00:16:53,744 --> 00:16:54,377
I what?

467
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:55,478
She what?

468
00:16:55,513 --> 00:16:56,379
- I what?
- That's right!

469
00:16:56,414 --> 00:16:58,884
Jess quits!

470
00:17:03,266 --> 00:17:04,806
Nailed it!

471
00:17:09,665 --> 00:17:11,939
Oh, my God, the binder.
It's under the couch.

472
00:17:17,857 --> 00:17:19,257
No, no, no. We handled it.

473
00:17:19,292 --> 00:17:20,137
It's our perp.

474
00:17:20,162 --> 00:17:22,130
Aly, I want you back. I...

475
00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:23,996
- I-I want you back.
- Are you trying

476
00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:26,598
to tell me something or
doing a Jackson 5 song?

477
00:17:26,632 --> 00:17:28,133
I miss having you as my partner.

478
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:31,356
Do you want to tell me why you left?

479
00:17:32,387 --> 00:17:34,761
'Cause you never did.
And, honestly, Winston,

480
00:17:34,786 --> 00:17:36,008
that really sucked.

481
00:17:36,042 --> 00:17:37,509
I left because you hurt my feelings

482
00:17:37,543 --> 00:17:39,505
when you kept talking about...

483
00:17:42,022 --> 00:17:43,864
You kept talking about...

484
00:17:47,086 --> 00:17:49,955
how much you hate my music. You know?

485
00:17:49,989 --> 00:17:52,124
This is about your Pure Moods CD?

486
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:54,526
That's it. That's all.
It's the only reason why I left.

487
00:17:55,051 --> 00:17:57,462
Okay. I mean, that thing
makes me wish I was born

488
00:17:57,497 --> 00:17:59,722
without the ability to hear music,

489
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:02,286
but if it means that much to you,

490
00:18:02,606 --> 00:18:04,067
I'll listen to it.

491
00:18:05,614 --> 00:18:07,815
I-I-I appreciate that.

492
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,641
Look, you're the only partner I want.

493
00:18:10,106 --> 00:18:11,510
You make me...

494
00:18:12,528 --> 00:18:14,286
laugh and whatever.

495
00:18:14,311 --> 00:18:16,315
I don't know. I suck at compliments.

496
00:18:16,349 --> 00:18:17,349
Yeah.

497
00:18:17,731 --> 00:18:18,903
Partners?

498
00:18:20,255 --> 00:18:21,553
Partners.

499
00:18:21,903 --> 00:18:23,722
Shake it. Don't just hold it.

500
00:18:23,756 --> 00:18:25,324
Yeah. Sorry.

501
00:18:26,726 --> 00:18:28,090
I think that was Dunston.

502
00:18:28,115 --> 00:18:30,862
- How did he not see us?
- No idea.

503
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:32,497
Oh, yeah, he's night-blind.

504
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:34,833
Dunston!

505
00:18:36,661 --> 00:18:38,370
It's done. Everything you asked for.

506
00:18:38,412 --> 00:18:40,722
And, Principal Cavatappi,
I'm very sorry

507
00:18:40,747 --> 00:18:41,907
for what my friend said. I...

508
00:18:41,941 --> 00:18:43,901
Oh, I know. I would
never let you quit anyway.

509
00:18:43,926 --> 00:18:45,177
Can you come up with some thoughts on

510
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,231
the science curriculum for the
superintendant and sign my name?

511
00:18:49,856 --> 00:18:50,698
Yeah.

512
00:18:50,723 --> 00:18:52,137
Sure. Yes.

513
00:18:55,121 --> 00:18:56,588
You know what? No!

514
00:18:56,622 --> 00:18:58,323
I can't. No.

515
00:18:58,348 --> 00:19:00,630
Nope. Um, because I quit.

516
00:19:01,594 --> 00:19:04,355
I hope you have a
minor career setback,

517
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:06,534
learn from it, relocate,

518
00:19:06,559 --> 00:19:11,395
and ultimately have
a very nice life, Becky.

519
00:19:26,044 --> 00:19:27,044
Mmm.

520
00:19:30,614 --> 00:19:31,823
Do I want to know this story?

521
00:19:31,858 --> 00:19:33,940
I hope so,

522
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:37,348
because we're about to spend
the rest of our lives together.

523
00:19:37,614 --> 00:19:39,264
So you're gonna have
to hear all my stories.

524
00:19:39,298 --> 00:19:41,900
I want to spend the rest of
my life hearing all your stories.

525
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:43,602
Until, of course, my hearing goes out

526
00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:46,672
and I get tinnitus. Do you know
Dave Letterman has tinnitus?

527
00:19:46,706 --> 00:19:48,127
Um...

528
00:19:49,854 --> 00:19:52,032
About-about what I
said on the phone...

529
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,645
I'm a little freaked out, too.

530
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,915
- You are?
- Yes.

531
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:58,116
And it has nothing to do
with how much I love you.

532
00:19:58,151 --> 00:19:59,127
Exactly.

533
00:19:59,152 --> 00:20:01,320
Or how much I want to get married.

534
00:20:02,291 --> 00:20:03,274
Exactly.

535
00:20:03,299 --> 00:20:04,690
We'll be scared together.

536
00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:08,360
And we'll be really
happy together, too.

537
00:20:08,862 --> 00:20:10,629
And we'll be really annoyed together,

538
00:20:10,663 --> 00:20:13,023
knowing that we're living with
three other people and a cat.

539
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,366
Also, I think there's another cat.

540
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,435
Winston's being very
evasive about it, but...

541
00:20:16,469 --> 00:20:17,469
Mmm.

542
00:20:24,573 --> 00:20:25,644
It's a foster cat.

543
00:20:25,678 --> 00:20:27,512
I think it's helping him
get over the whole Aly thing.

544
00:20:27,547 --> 00:20:28,513
I don't care.

545
00:20:28,548 --> 00:20:29,581
Well, I guess this is it.

546
00:20:29,615 --> 00:20:31,750
I thought Jess would be here, but...

547
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:35,087
- you know, okay, end of an era.
- Yeah.

548
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:36,621
Have you ever been here before?

549
00:20:36,656 --> 00:20:38,721
This is maybe my second time.

550
00:20:40,221 --> 00:20:42,384
I nursed my pippy back to health here.

551
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,463
Yeah. I remember.

552
00:20:44,497 --> 00:20:46,565
All right. I'm gonna
give you a minute.

553
00:20:46,815 --> 00:20:47,815
Okay.

554
00:20:56,932 --> 00:20:59,065
Cece, Cece, Cece.

555
00:21:01,870 --> 00:21:03,495
Do you want to do
the honors or should I?

556
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,291
Hmm... Go for it.

557
00:21:10,556 --> 00:21:12,399
Okay. One, two, three.

558
00:21:12,424 --> 00:21:14,188
We did it!

559
00:21:14,213 --> 00:21:15,524
Oh, my God, there's hair on the end!

560
00:21:15,549 --> 00:21:17,162
Put it back! Put it back!

561
00:21:31,611 --> 00:21:33,079
Do you speak Russian?

562
00:21:33,104 --> 00:21:34,112
Nope.

563
00:21:34,347 --> 00:21:36,347
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