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This programme contains some strong language.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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Come on, Mammy.

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Oh, good God, Cathy.

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I have been getting Christmas dinners

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since Jesus was in kindergarten.

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I've never been to so many shops.

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Me legs think I've lost my mind!

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It pays to shop around, Mammy!

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Pays who? Dr Flynn - not me!

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Cost a fortune.

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And it was embarrassing.

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Embarrassing how?

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Asking the butcher,

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"Was the turkey humanely killed?"

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How can you humanely kill something?

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The clue's in the question - "killed"!

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There's always a way to do things humanely.

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Oh, yes. "Hello, Mr Turkey. Come over here."

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MRS BROWN GOBBLES

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"Oh, look at that!"

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Doof-doof-doof-doof!

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Bump!

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"Gobble, gobble, dinner's ready!"

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I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.

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Well, I hope you got everything you need.

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No, I still need goose fat for the roast potatoes.

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Oh, let's kill a goose as well!

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Humane, my arse!

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DOORBELL

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I'll get it.

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That might be a humane goose, willing to donate his fat!

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DOORBELL

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Hello there.

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Oh, and a very merry Christmas.

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Ah, Christmas-time.

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A time when young children dream

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and adults, well, they go mad.

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And you only have to say the word "cranberry" and turkeys get nervous.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Look at all this.

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Cathy insists on getting Christmas dinner.

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Humane this, organic that.

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She couldn't boil an egg two weeks ago!

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Even if she could, she'd want it

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straight from the chicken's arse!

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MUSIC: Silent Night

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Nope.

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Go on.

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OK!

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Who was at the door? Buster Brady.

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Oh, watching "Love Actually" again?

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Yep!

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How are yous?

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Hello, Mark.

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Hello, Betty.

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Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Cathy.

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Now, here, I hope you two weren't traipsing around in the cold

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looking for a present for me.

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We weren't! Because I don't want anything. Do you hear me?

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We hear you.

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We just wanted to show you this.

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Oh! That's beautiful! It's lovely.

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We saw it in the shop, and Betty said, "I know who'd love that."

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MRS BROWN CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY

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Do you think Mrs McGoogan will like it?

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Winnie? You bought Winnie a present? Aye.

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She'll love it.

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I hope so. Yeah, I'm sure she will.

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But don't go getting me anything now, do you hear me?

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We won't. Right, Mark, let's go.

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Aye. See yous later. You're very thoughtful to think of Winnie.

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VERY thoughtful.

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"You think Mrs McGoogan'll like this?!"

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Do you have to make so much noise?

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No.

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But now that I know it annoys you, I will.

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HE GRUMBLES

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You just drift off to sleep, there, Grandad.

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And if you see a bright light, run to it.

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HE SCOFFS

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Hey, Mammy.

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Hello, son. Hello, Father Damien.

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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Tea, Damien? Oh, yes, please, Trevor.

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Sorting out your Christmas tree decorations, Mrs Brown?

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Actually, Father, I'm looking for a horse.

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So that's a horsebox?

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A horsebox!

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You're looking for what?

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Me rocking horse Christmas decoration.

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I remember that on your tree last year.

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A rubbishy little rocking horse with a leg missing and one ear.

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It was a smelly thing.

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That my deceased father carved with his own bare hands!

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Trevor, I'll skip the tea.

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Are you sure? Absolutely positive.

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What are you up to, Trevor?

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Oh, I'm helping Damien with his sermon for the blessing of the crib.

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Oh.

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It must be very difficult, Father, every Christmas,

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to come up with new stuff.

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Will you be there, Mrs Brown, at the blessing?

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Oh, no, no. I can't stand the smell of that incest.

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It's called... Ah, Damien, don't.

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You know, my Christmas won't be the same

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without me daddy's rocking horse. AUDIENCE: Aww!

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That's life, Mrs Brown. Things don't always work out.

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Sure Joseph and Mary couldn't find a room in the inn.

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They should have known better.

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Hotels are always busy at Christmas.

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I don't think hotels... Come on, Damien, we're out of here.

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God bless you, Mrs Brown.

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Yeah, yeah. We come in peace, shoot to kill.

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You there, Agnes?

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Yes, Winnie. Pour out a cup o' tea, I'll be in there in a second.

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Are you finished making noise?

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Maybe I can sleep now.

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Go to the light, Grandad!

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Go to the li-i-ght!

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I want tea.

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Yeah, to go.

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You look addled. What's up?

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Ah, nothing.

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I can't find me rocking horse decoration for the tree.

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Oh, that shitty little thing with one leg and one ear?

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AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

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That my father carved on Christmas Eve,

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even though he was bleary-eyed from the lack of sleep.

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Oh, is that why he left a leg short?

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No, Winnie, the leg short

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was wear and tear over 35 years.

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What have YOU got that's ever lasted that long?

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Two pairs o' knickers.

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Here. Bring that in to Grandad.

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Right.

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I know I sound like I'm obsessed about that ornament,

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but it means something to me.

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My children have been hanging that on the Christmas tree, oh,

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since they were that height.

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Hello, Mrs Brown!

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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Well, if it isn't the poster boy for birth control.

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Where's Dermot?

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He's coming.

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Hello-o-o, Cathy!

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Do I turn you on?!

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Shut up, Buster!

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I have a bone to pick with you.

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Oh, happy days, Cathy.

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Because I have a bone for you to pick.

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Not in the mood, Buster. It's Christmas week.

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Where the hell is our Christmas tree?

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Oh, it should be coming tomorrow. It's coming from Australia.

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Why Australia?

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Cos that's what it said in the script.

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I-I-I meant to say Austria.

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Feckin' spell-check!

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I need it up as soon as possible.

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Tomorrow, right?

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Yeah, right, tomorrow.

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Hey, Ma. Hello, son.

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My... Jesus, if it isn't the Incredible Hulk!

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What's Gaybo's Gym?

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Gaybo's Gym? Yes!

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It's a good question!

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Got gluttony?

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Get down to Gaybo's Gym,

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whether your glutes are gangly, you're gloomy or gargantuan,

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Gaybo gets YOU good to go!

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Gaybo's Gym.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Open 24/7, except Mondays...

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..and Wednesdays!

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Gobshite.

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Uh-oh!

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How did THAT get there?

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Don't even think about it!

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Cathy, a lady cannot refuse a kiss under the mistletoe.

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Now, pucker up and lay it on me.

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoa!

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WHOOPING AND CHEERING

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Well, Agnes, how did the shopping go?

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The shopping? Well, I'll tell you now, Winnie,

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crucifixion would have been less painful.

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Ah, is Cathy still determined to cook Christmas dinner?

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Oh, it's a banquet now. She's talking about a buckin' menu!

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Ah, fair play to her, Agnes.

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I mean, you've got to admire her confidence.

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Winnie, it'll be a disaster. You mark my words.

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Cathy just wants to make Christmas special.

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It's not the Last Supper, Winnie.

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Mind you, with her cooking, it buckin' might be!

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WINNIE TITTERS

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I often wonder was she worth the stretch marks?

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Oh, how are you, Dermot?

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Hey, Winnie. You're back.

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Yeah, Ma. I forgot to ask you.

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I need a lend of 100 quid.

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Oh, dear me, hang on a second.

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I'll just pull it out of thin air.

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There you go. Now, there you go.

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Mammy, the bank machine swallowed me card.

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I still have to pick up the food for the Christmas dinner.

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Cathy has enough food to feed an army.

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Why don't you come over here for dinner?

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Sounds good.

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Maria invited Mrs Nicholson, so we'll have her with us.

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Hundred quid, is that what you wanted, 100 quid?!

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100, is it 100? Oh, Ma, that's disgusting!

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Them pickpockets aren't getting my money

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unless I get something out of it, as well!

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BOING!

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What did I feckin' do with it?

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RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS

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Hold on, hold on...

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10, 20, 30...

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Here!

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There you go.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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That's only 80!

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Well, that's all I have on me.

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Unless you'd like me to dip into me safety deposit box!

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No!

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Here, son.

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COINS JINGLE

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There. Put your hand out.

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Here. There's 20 there, love.

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Thanks, Mrs McGoogan.

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RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS

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I tell you, that's some bra to be able to hold all that weight.

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What?!

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I'm saying, your bra...

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I'm not wearing one!

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Oh, my God. It's freezing out there.

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Sharon gave me a Christmas punch to take the edge off.

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I wouldn't mind giving you a couple of punches, meself!

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Thanks, Sharon, thank you.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Who's that?

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I don't know.

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Hello, there.

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Who are you?

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I'm Agnes. Who the fuck are you?

249
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I'm...

250
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Uhhh.

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I'm... Maureen.

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And you? Damien.

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I'm your son, Mother?

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Ah, yes!

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AUDIENCE: Awww! This is your mother?

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Oh.

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Maureen, this is Mammy.

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And are you my son, too?

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No, no, Maureen, no. He's mine.

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MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

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But, listen, I can let you have Dermot if you're stuck!

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Heh-heh!

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Come on, Mother. Let's get you home.

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The Big Man's coming this week.

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Is he? Remember? Santa Claus?

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We talked about Christmas presents.

267
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,080
Oh, yes. Santa Claus!

268
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,880
Yeah. Goodnight.

269
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,680
Maureen has Alzheimer's, Mammy.

270
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,720
You could've said something before now.

271
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,800
Damien took her out of the nursing home

272
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,760
so they could be together for Christmas.

273
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,480
Oh, God bless her.

274
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,120
I was thinking about inviting them over for a drink at some stage.

275
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,200
Absolutely. We'd be delighted to have them.

276
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,520
Ah, thanks, Mammy.

277
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,640
That was really nice, Mrs Brown.

278
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,680
And you think you have problems, hmm?

279
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,160
Father Damien was telling us

280
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,160
how much his mother always loved Christmas,

281
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,480
being surrounded by family.

282
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,880
Well, that's what it's all about, Barbara.

283
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,480
And now it's just the two of them.

284
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,240
Sad, really, isn't it?

285
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,080
Yeah, it IS sad.

286
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,280
Mammy, I'm going to shoot home.

287
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,120
Buster's putting up the tree, and I want to keep an eye on him.

288
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,800
OK, love, I'll follow you.

289
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,680
And Cathy?

290
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,280
Is there room for two more at the Christmas table?

291
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,880
Father Damien and his mammy?

292
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,320
Yes.

293
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,600
And here was me thinking you'd turned into a complete...

294
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,000
..Grinch.

295
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,440
Mm-hm. Yes, Mammy.

296
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,440
And I'm going to cook the best Christmas dinner ever.

297
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,400
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

298
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,240
That's nice!

299
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,360
Take a good, hard look, now, Buster.

300
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,440
You'll know the problem when you see it.

301
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,720
I followed all the steps, Mrs Brown.

302
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,240
Yeah. And you still don't see the problem?

303
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,400
Is it a bit crooked?

304
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,760
It's upside-buckin'-down!

305
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,800
It's SUPPOSED to be upside down!

306
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,440
It's Australian!

307
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,440
Don't give me that crap.

308
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:47,800
Ah!

309
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,120
Ha-ha! Heh-heh!

310
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,520
You gobshite.

311
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,440
Nice one, Mammy. What?

312
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,440
Yeah. Looks fantastic!

313
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,920
Really? It's upside down!

314
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,640
Yeah.

315
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,600
Granny, anyone can have an ordinary tree.

316
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,360
But you've gone for one that reflects your artistic side.

317
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,840
I love it.

318
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,480
Really? Yeah. Really.

319
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,880
Reflecting your artistic side is extra.

320
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,400
Feck off, Buster. OK.

321
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,680
Well, you know, I did have an uncle who was an artist.

322
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,000
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

323
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,920
Yeah, Leonardo da...

324
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,160
..McNamara.

325
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,560
Really, Dad? Oh, yeah.

326
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,080
Con artist.

327
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,120
I buckin' heard that!

328
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,080
Do you need help over there? No! Well, just to let you know,

329
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,040
I'm ready to row in if you need me.

330
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:55,080
I'm fine. Stubborn as a mule, you are.

331
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,400
Oh, and who could I possibly have inherited that from?

332
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,080
Your father!

333
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,800
You're every bit of him,

334
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,120
including the moustache.

335
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,560
Ouch!

336
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,320
Now what? I burnt meself on the bloody oven.

337
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,960
Here, let me get it. I can do it.

338
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,040
Move!

339
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,680
Be careful. It's really hot.

340
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,840
"Oh, be careful. It's really hot."

341
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,320
How do you not burn yourself?

342
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,280
Cathy, my hands are like leather at this stage.

343
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:26,680
Fuck!

344
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:29,440
OK.

345
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:30,600
What's next?

346
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,000
Oww!

347
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,160
Here, there's burn spray in there. Go and use it.

348
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,920
Buster, what do you want? Happy Christmas to you, too, Mrs Brown.

349
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,160
Oh, sorry, happy Christmas. Now what do you want?

350
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,120
Ah, just dropping something off for Cathy.

351
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,680
Did you get it, Buster? The other thing. I did.

352
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,280
What other thing? For the roast potatoes?

353
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,720
Oh, you're not back to this shite again, are you?

354
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,160
Let it go, Mammy.

355
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,320
60 years cooking roast potatoes, and I've never used goose fat! Never!

356
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,440
Well, I'M cooking this year, and I'm using it, all right?

357
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,400
HONKING AND FLAPPING

358
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,440
What the hell is that?

359
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,200
Sounds to me like a goose!

360
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,400
It is.

361
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,400
Cathy, you said you wanted a fat goose.

362
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,200
Oh, Jesus!

363
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,400
SHE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

364
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,440
What?!

365
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,160
I said I wanted goose fat!

366
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,000
Potato, tomato!

367
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,760
MRS BROWN CACKLES

368
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,560
Buster, get that goose out of here!

369
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,240
He has a name, you know.

370
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,480
It's Philip.

371
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,280
Change of plan, lads. Take him back to the park.

372
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:36,720
SQUA-AWK!

373
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,480
MRS BROWN CLEARS HER THROAT

374
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,160
Don't say a word, Mammy.

375
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,160
I know how to peel a potato. Are you sure? Because that's not really

376
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:48,640
the way you're supposed to do it.

377
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,440
You're supposed to peel away from you. That way, you won't...

378
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,760
OUCH!

379
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,840
..cut yourself. That was your fault!

380
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,360
MY fault?! How?! You distracted me!

381
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,160
Is it bleeding? Yeah, a little bit.

382
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,320
Here, there's plasters under the sink.

383
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,640
CATHY HUFFS

384
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,960
Oh...

385
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,680
Look, Mammy, tomorrow is going to be a very special day,

386
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,320
and I want everything to be perfect.

387
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,280
Now, I know you mean well,

388
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,400
and watching me preparing dinner is hard for you,

389
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,280
but you have to let me do it on my own.

390
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,480
I understand.

391
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,040
Seriously, you peeled the potatoes!

392
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:29,280
Cathy, it's muscle memory. I can't buckin' help meself!

393
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,320
Mammy, please leave.

394
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,880
I did the carrots, as well.

395
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,480
Oh, Jesus!

396
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,840
Out! I'm going, I'm going. Out of the kitchen. All of you. Out!

397
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:41,960
Out!

398
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,280
Agnes, I'd love a cuppa.

399
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,800
Oh, put the kettle on, there. Are you sure Cathy won't mind?

400
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,400
Not at all! She'll be delighted to see you.

401
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,800
GET OUT!

402
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,640
Ah, Jeez!

403
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,040
Well, thanks for that, Agnes!

404
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,400
Is it Cathy's first time cooking Christmas dinner?

405
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,840
It's Cathy's first time to cook any buckin' dinner!

406
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,280
POTS CLATTER AND BANG

407
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,400
Oh, Jesus!

408
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,280
Lovely what Father Damien said about his mother at the blessing.

409
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,120
I wasn't there. Me neither.

410
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,800
Oh?

411
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,160
So what did he say?

412
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,280
Father Damien talked about his Christmases as a child

413
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,840
and how his mother had created such wonderful memories for him.

414
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,120
AUDIENCE: Aww!

415
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,000
The best present you can give someone is a memory.

416
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,560
You're absolutely right, Birdie. True.

417
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,640
I remember one Christmas creeping down the stairs

418
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,920
to find a big bunny rabbit holding a chocolate egg!

419
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,560
Maybe that was Easter.

420
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,880
In your house, Winnie, it could have been buckin' Halloween!

421
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,640
MUSIC: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

422
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,080
Oh, my goodness!

423
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,920
Is it OK?

424
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,640
OK? It's magnificent!

425
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,720
So, Mammy. Yes, love?

426
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,800
Would you do your gravy?

427
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,520
Well, if you insist...

428
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,400
REFRAIN FROM "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS

429
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:21,960
Cathy, I don't know how you did it, but everything was perfect.

430
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,640
Especially my gravy!

431
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,280
Really was, Cathy. Really?

432
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,280
Damien, is your mother all right?

433
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,680
Are you joking me? She's loving this.

434
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,880
It's just great being around people, Mrs Brown.

435
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,040
Last Christmas, the two of us just sat in the nursing home for the day.

436
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,920
Oh, that can't have been easy.

437
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:43,200
Our house was always full at Christmas, wasn't it, Mammy?

438
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,000
There'd be singing and dancing.

439
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,440
Well, Mark is bringing his guitar along later.

440
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,040
We'll get a sing-song going, Father.

441
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,240
Maureen, you might give us a song later.

442
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,880
Song.

443
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,680
I doubt it, Mrs Brown. Mammy hasn't sang in years.

444
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,160
Merry Christmas, everyone.

445
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,480
Merry Christmas, son. Let's get this party started.

446
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,280
Now you're talking! Happy Christmas, all. Happy Christmas, Mark.

447
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:03,480
Happy Christmas, Granny.

448
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,840
Oh, thank you, Bono. Happy Christmas to you.

449
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,200
Do you want your present now? You're going to love it.

450
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,880
Well... Not yet, Bono. You'll give it away.

451
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,520
Happy Christmas, everybody! Happy Christmas, Buster.

452
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,520
Well, Blister, I see Santa Claus's already been.

453
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,080
I wanted a REAL tattoo.

454
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,960
This is just crappy henna.

455
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,960
Listen, the thing about that one is

456
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,360
you can have a different tattoo tomorrow.

457
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,040
You see, son?

458
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,880
Grandad loves tattoos.

459
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,000
No. Get away!

460
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,720
Come here, son. Come here.

461
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,120
Go on.

462
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,560
AUDIENCE: Aww.

463
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,280
Father Damien, your Mammy didn't eat very much.

464
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,640
She doesn't have much of an appetite these days.

465
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,240
And besides, she's having far too much fun in there.

466
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,560
NEEDLE BUZZES

467
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,440
Please, Dad. Can we do the presents now for Granny?

468
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,240
Go on, then. Yes!

469
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,920
OK, everybody, Dad says we can do the presents.

470
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,800
Come on, everyone. Into the kitchen.

471
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,320
Here, Maureen.

472
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,360
You have a little nap there.

473
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:03,920
AUDIENCE: Aww.

474
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,240
Oh, now. Look at this.

475
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,720
Oh-ho-ho.

476
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:11,160
Thank you, Maria.

477
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,520
It's a cardigan.

478
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,240
Will you let her open it?

479
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,880
She knows what it is.

480
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240
We get her a cardigan every year.

481
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:19,320
She'd be disappointed if we got her anything else.

482
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,840
No, I wouldn't, Dermot.

483
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,480
Oh, look at that. It's absolutely beautiful.

484
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:25,880
Yeah, it's lovely.

485
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,960
You're very welcome, Mrs Brown.

486
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,880
What's this here?

487
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,800
Oh, now, Buster?

488
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,320
Just a little something from meself and Blister.

489
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,840
Thank you, Blister.

490
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,680
Before I go any further, Mammy,

491
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,320
Bono's going to burst if he doesn't give you his present now.

492
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:45,560
Oh, OK!

493
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,840
I really hope you like it, Granny. Happy Christmas.

494
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,440
Thank you, son.

495
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,280
And you know what?

496
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:54,600
It's off to a good start.

497
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,120
It's really well packaged.

498
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,200
Oh...my God.

499
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,200
AUDIENCE: Aww.

500
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,560
It was Dad's idea.

501
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,320
You done all the work on it, son.

502
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,280
He spent hours on it, Ma.

503
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,240
It's as fresh as the day I got it.

504
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,240
Dad told me how much it meant to you.

505
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,600
It meant the world to me. Tell him the story, Ma.

506
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,920
Well, when I was a young girl, I...

507
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:22,160
I asked Santa Claus for a rocking horse.

508
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:24,920
And my daddy said that...

509
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,000
..it'd be too awkward for Santa to put it on the sleigh.

510
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,760
I cried my eyes out.

511
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,240
Oh!

512
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,960
There's me mascara!

513
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,640
It gets worse.

514
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,200
But then, on Christmas Eve,

515
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:42,560
he gave me this.

516
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,520
My own rocking horse.

517
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,320
And he told me that some day

518
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,520
there'll be a real rocking horse under the tree for me.

519
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,200
Hmm.

520
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,440
I fell off this one twice!

521
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,400
MRS BROWN SNIFFS AND SOBS

522
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:01,840
Sorry for making you cry, Granny.

523
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,480
No, you didn't make me cry, love.

524
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,120
Not yet. But you're going to.

525
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,040
What? In here, Mammy.

526
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,960
Come on, everyone.

527
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,240
What the hell is this?

528
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,640
AUDIENCE GASPS

529
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,680
Happy Christmas, Mammy.

530
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,400
APPLAUSE

531
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,760
You... You made this? Oh, not just me, Ma.

532
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,920
Cathy and Trevor done all the painting

533
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,680
after Dermot spent hours sanding it down.

534
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,120
I got a really bad splinter, Ma.

535
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,040
It's not about you, Dermot!

536
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,120
I...

537
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:40,560
I-I...

538
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,040
I-I'm... Speechless?

539
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,480
Speech... Yeah.

540
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,320
After all these years.

541
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,960
Now, do you understand why I wanted everything to be perfect?

542
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,200
Your daddy helped.

543
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,240
Cathy, you will NOT make me cry.

544
00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,840
And, Mammy?

545
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,440
He didn't break his promise.

546
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,600
MRS BROWN SOBS

547
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:11,680
# On Christmas Day, yeah! #

548
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,680
Nice one, Trevor.

549
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,160
Right, who's singing the next one? What about Mrs Brown?

550
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,640
Now, here, Birdie, it's your first Christmas with us.

551
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,280
You sing. Sing Away In A Manger.

552
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,080
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

553
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:26,880
Mark, give us a C.

554
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:38,480
# Away in a manger

555
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,840
# No crib for a bed

556
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,200
# The little Lord Jesus

557
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:51,640
# Lay down his sweet head

558
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:56,440
# The stars in the bright sky

559
00:25:56,440 --> 00:26:00,560
# Looked down where he lay

560
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:09,680
# The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. #

561
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,560
That was lovely, Birdie.

562
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,360
CHORUS OF APPROVAL

563
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,920
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

564
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,760
OK, who's bringing it home? Come on. Who's next? Anybody?

565
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,480
WINNIE: No, I don't know the words.

566
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,920
Aw. All right, well, we'll call it a day at that, so.

567
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:27,720
THEY GROAN

568
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:43,240
# Be near me, Lord Jesus

569
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:47,800
# I ask thee to stay

570
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,720
# Close by me for ever

571
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:56,040
# And love me, I pray

572
00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:01,640
# Bless all the dear children

573
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:06,440
# In thy tender care

574
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:15,560
# And take us to Heaven to live with thee there. #

575
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:31,360
I was wrong about Christmas.

576
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,160
It's not a hassle.

577
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,040
Maybe you have to run around town looking for that

578
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,640
something special for someone special.

579
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,080
SHE CHUCKLES

580
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,160
The thing is, if they can feel your love in their heart,

581
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,600
then, they know they're worth it.

582
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,600
And if you can feel their love in your heart....

583
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,360
..then you know you're worth it.

584
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:54,880
I know I'm worth it...

585
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:57,920
..cos I have a buckin' horse!

586
00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,120
SHE CACKLES

587
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,880
Look at me, Daddy!

588
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,640
Yeehah!

589
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:14,520
Goodnight!

590
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,000
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

591
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:20,920
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

592
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:26,120
# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

593
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,640
# Mother hen watching all her chicks

594
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,640
# Sassy old lady full of tricks

595
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:39,560
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

596
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,200
# She's Mrs Brown

597
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,440
# That's Mrs Brown... #

598
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,080
Merry Christmas!

599
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,240
# Our Mrs Brown. #

600
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,440
THROATY CACKLE