This programme contains some strong language.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Our Mrs Brown. #
Come on, Mammy.
Oh, good God, Cathy.
I have been getting Christmas dinners
since Jesus was in kindergarten.
I've never been to so many shops.
Me legs think I've lost my mind!
It pays to shop around, Mammy!
Pays who? Dr Flynn - not me!
Cost a fortune.
And it was embarrassing.
Embarrassing how?
Asking the butcher,
"Was the turkey humanely killed?"
How can you humanely kill something?
The clue's in the question - "killed"!
There's always a way to do things humanely.
Oh, yes. "Hello, Mr Turkey. Come over here."
MRS BROWN GOBBLES
"Oh, look at that!"
Doof-doof-doof-doof!
Bump!
"Gobble, gobble, dinner's ready!"
I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.
Well, I hope you got everything you need.
No, I still need goose fat for the roast potatoes.
Oh, let's kill a goose as well!
Humane, my arse!
DOORBELL
I'll get it.
That might be a humane goose, willing to donate his fat!
DOORBELL
Hello there.
Oh, and a very merry Christmas.
Ah, Christmas-time.
A time when young children dream
and adults, well, they go mad.
And you only have to say the word "cranberry" and turkeys get nervous.
SHE CHUCKLES
Look at all this.
Cathy insists on getting Christmas dinner.
Humane this, organic that.
She couldn't boil an egg two weeks ago!
Even if she could, she'd want it
straight from the chicken's arse!
MUSIC: Silent Night
Nope.
Go on.
OK!
AUDIENCE: Awww!
Who was at the door? Buster Brady.
Oh, watching "Love Actually" again?
Yep!
How are yous?
Hello, Mark.
Hello, Betty.
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Cathy.
Now, here, I hope you two weren't traipsing around in the cold
looking for a present for me.
We weren't! Because I don't want anything. Do you hear me?
We hear you.
We just wanted to show you this.
Oh! That's beautiful! It's lovely.
We saw it in the shop, and Betty said, "I know who'd love that."
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY
Do you think Mrs McGoogan will like it?
Winnie? You bought Winnie a present? Aye.
She'll love it.
I hope so. Yeah, I'm sure she will.
But don't go getting me anything now, do you hear me?
We won't. Right, Mark, let's go.
Aye. See yous later. You're very thoughtful to think of Winnie.
VERY thoughtful.
"You think Mrs McGoogan'll like this?!"
Do you have to make so much noise?
No.
But now that I know it annoys you, I will.
HE GRUMBLES
You just drift off to sleep, there, Grandad.
And if you see a bright light, run to it.
HE SCOFFS
Hey, Mammy.
Hello, son. Hello, Father Damien.
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Tea, Damien? Oh, yes, please, Trevor.
Sorting out your Christmas tree decorations, Mrs Brown?
Actually, Father, I'm looking for a horse.
So that's a horsebox?
A horsebox!
You're looking for what?
Me rocking horse Christmas decoration.
I remember that on your tree last year.
A rubbishy little rocking horse with a leg missing and one ear.
It was a smelly thing.
That my deceased father carved with his own bare hands!
Trevor, I'll skip the tea.
Are you sure? Absolutely positive.
What are you up to, Trevor?
Oh, I'm helping Damien with his sermon for the blessing of the crib.
Oh.
It must be very difficult, Father, every Christmas,
to come up with new stuff.
Will you be there, Mrs Brown, at the blessing?
Oh, no, no. I can't stand the smell of that incest.
It's called... Ah, Damien, don't.
You know, my Christmas won't be the same
without me daddy's rocking horse. AUDIENCE: Aww!
That's life, Mrs Brown. Things don't always work out.
Sure Joseph and Mary couldn't find a room in the inn.
They should have known better.
Hotels are always busy at Christmas.
I don't think hotels... Come on, Damien, we're out of here.
God bless you, Mrs Brown.
Yeah, yeah. We come in peace, shoot to kill.
You there, Agnes?
Yes, Winnie. Pour out a cup o' tea, I'll be in there in a second.
Are you finished making noise?
Maybe I can sleep now.
Go to the light, Grandad!
Go to the li-i-ght!
I want tea.
Yeah, to go.
You look addled. What's up?
Ah, nothing.
I can't find me rocking horse decoration for the tree.
Oh, that shitty little thing with one leg and one ear?
AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
That my father carved on Christmas Eve,
even though he was bleary-eyed from the lack of sleep.
Oh, is that why he left a leg short?
No, Winnie, the leg short
was wear and tear over 35 years.
What have YOU got that's ever lasted that long?
Two pairs o' knickers.
Here. Bring that in to Grandad.
Right.
I know I sound like I'm obsessed about that ornament,
but it means something to me.
My children have been hanging that on the Christmas tree, oh,
since they were that height.
Hello, Mrs Brown!
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
Well, if it isn't the poster boy for birth control.
Where's Dermot?
He's coming.
Hello-o-o, Cathy!
Do I turn you on?!
Shut up, Buster!
I have a bone to pick with you.
Oh, happy days, Cathy.
Because I have a bone for you to pick.
Not in the mood, Buster. It's Christmas week.
Where the hell is our Christmas tree?
Oh, it should be coming tomorrow. It's coming from Australia.
Why Australia?
Cos that's what it said in the script.
I-I-I meant to say Austria.
Feckin' spell-check!
I need it up as soon as possible.
Tomorrow, right?
Yeah, right, tomorrow.
Hey, Ma. Hello, son.
My... Jesus, if it isn't the Incredible Hulk!
What's Gaybo's Gym?
Gaybo's Gym? Yes!
It's a good question!
Got gluttony?
Get down to Gaybo's Gym,
whether your glutes are gangly, you're gloomy or gargantuan,
Gaybo gets YOU good to go!
Gaybo's Gym.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Open 24/7, except Mondays...
..and Wednesdays!
Gobshite.
Uh-oh!
How did THAT get there?
Don't even think about it!
Cathy, a lady cannot refuse a kiss under the mistletoe.
Now, pucker up and lay it on me.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoa!
WHOOPING AND CHEERING
Well, Agnes, how did the shopping go?
The shopping? Well, I'll tell you now, Winnie,
crucifixion would have been less painful.
Ah, is Cathy still determined to cook Christmas dinner?
Oh, it's a banquet now. She's talking about a buckin' menu!
Ah, fair play to her, Agnes.
I mean, you've got to admire her confidence.
Winnie, it'll be a disaster. You mark my words.
Cathy just wants to make Christmas special.
It's not the Last Supper, Winnie.
Mind you, with her cooking, it buckin' might be!
WINNIE TITTERS
I often wonder was she worth the stretch marks?
Oh, how are you, Dermot?
Hey, Winnie. You're back.
Yeah, Ma. I forgot to ask you.
I need a lend of 100 quid.
Oh, dear me, hang on a second.
I'll just pull it out of thin air.
There you go. Now, there you go.
Mammy, the bank machine swallowed me card.
I still have to pick up the food for the Christmas dinner.
Cathy has enough food to feed an army.
Why don't you come over here for dinner?
Sounds good.
Maria invited Mrs Nicholson, so we'll have her with us.
Hundred quid, is that what you wanted, 100 quid?!
100, is it 100? Oh, Ma, that's disgusting!
Them pickpockets aren't getting my money
unless I get something out of it, as well!
BOING!
What did I feckin' do with it?
RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS
Hold on, hold on...
10, 20, 30...
Here!
There you go.
AUDIENCE GROANS
That's only 80!
Well, that's all I have on me.
Unless you'd like me to dip into me safety deposit box!
No!
Here, son.
COINS JINGLE
There. Put your hand out.
Here. There's 20 there, love.
Thanks, Mrs McGoogan.
RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS
I tell you, that's some bra to be able to hold all that weight.
What?!
I'm saying, your bra...
I'm not wearing one!
Oh, my God. It's freezing out there.
Sharon gave me a Christmas punch to take the edge off.
I wouldn't mind giving you a couple of punches, meself!
Thanks, Sharon, thank you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Who's that?
I don't know.
Hello, there.
Who are you?
I'm Agnes. Who the fuck are you?
I'm...
Uhhh.
I'm... Maureen.
And you? Damien.
I'm your son, Mother?
Ah, yes!
AUDIENCE: Awww! This is your mother?
Oh.
Maureen, this is Mammy.
And are you my son, too?
No, no, Maureen, no. He's mine.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
But, listen, I can let you have Dermot if you're stuck!
Heh-heh!
Come on, Mother. Let's get you home.
The Big Man's coming this week.
Is he? Remember? Santa Claus?
We talked about Christmas presents.
Oh, yes. Santa Claus!
Yeah. Goodnight.
Maureen has Alzheimer's, Mammy.
You could've said something before now.
Damien took her out of the nursing home
so they could be together for Christmas.
Oh, God bless her.
I was thinking about inviting them over for a drink at some stage.
Absolutely. We'd be delighted to have them.
Ah, thanks, Mammy.
That was really nice, Mrs Brown.
And you think you have problems, hmm?
Father Damien was telling us
how much his mother always loved Christmas,
being surrounded by family.
Well, that's what it's all about, Barbara.
And now it's just the two of them.
Sad, really, isn't it?
Yeah, it IS sad.
Mammy, I'm going to shoot home.
Buster's putting up the tree, and I want to keep an eye on him.
OK, love, I'll follow you.
And Cathy?
Is there room for two more at the Christmas table?
Father Damien and his mammy?
Yes.
And here was me thinking you'd turned into a complete...
..Grinch.
Mm-hm. Yes, Mammy.
And I'm going to cook the best Christmas dinner ever.
MRS BROWN CHUCKLES
That's nice!
Take a good, hard look, now, Buster.
You'll know the problem when you see it.
I followed all the steps, Mrs Brown.
Yeah. And you still don't see the problem?
Is it a bit crooked?
It's upside-buckin'-down!
It's SUPPOSED to be upside down!
It's Australian!
Don't give me that crap.
Ah!
Ha-ha! Heh-heh!
You gobshite.
Nice one, Mammy. What?
Yeah. Looks fantastic!
Really? It's upside down!
Yeah.
Granny, anyone can have an ordinary tree.
But you've gone for one that reflects your artistic side.
I love it.
Really? Yeah. Really.
Reflecting your artistic side is extra.
Feck off, Buster. OK.
Well, you know, I did have an uncle who was an artist.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, Leonardo da...
..McNamara.
Really, Dad? Oh, yeah.
Con artist.
I buckin' heard that!
Do you need help over there? No! Well, just to let you know,
I'm ready to row in if you need me.
I'm fine. Stubborn as a mule, you are.
Oh, and who could I possibly have inherited that from?
Your father!
You're every bit of him,
including the moustache.
Ouch!
Now what? I burnt meself on the bloody oven.
Here, let me get it. I can do it.
Move!
Be careful. It's really hot.
"Oh, be careful. It's really hot."
How do you not burn yourself?
Cathy, my hands are like leather at this stage.
Fuck!
OK.
What's next?
Oww!
Here, there's burn spray in there. Go and use it.
Buster, what do you want? Happy Christmas to you, too, Mrs Brown.
Oh, sorry, happy Christmas. Now what do you want?
Ah, just dropping something off for Cathy.
Did you get it, Buster? The other thing. I did.
What other thing? For the roast potatoes?
Oh, you're not back to this shite again, are you?
Let it go, Mammy.
60 years cooking roast potatoes, and I've never used goose fat! Never!
Well, I'M cooking this year, and I'm using it, all right?
HONKING AND FLAPPING
What the hell is that?
Sounds to me like a goose!
It is.
Cathy, you said you wanted a fat goose.
Oh, Jesus!
SHE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER
What?!
I said I wanted goose fat!
Potato, tomato!
MRS BROWN CACKLES
Buster, get that goose out of here!
He has a name, you know.
It's Philip.
Change of plan, lads. Take him back to the park.
SQUA-AWK!
MRS BROWN CLEARS HER THROAT
Don't say a word, Mammy.
I know how to peel a potato. Are you sure? Because that's not really
the way you're supposed to do it.
You're supposed to peel away from you. That way, you won't...
OUCH!
..cut yourself. That was your fault!
MY fault?! How?! You distracted me!
Is it bleeding? Yeah, a little bit.
Here, there's plasters under the sink.
CATHY HUFFS
Oh...
Look, Mammy, tomorrow is going to be a very special day,
and I want everything to be perfect.
Now, I know you mean well,
and watching me preparing dinner is hard for you,
but you have to let me do it on my own.
I understand.
Seriously, you peeled the potatoes!
Cathy, it's muscle memory. I can't buckin' help meself!
Mammy, please leave.
I did the carrots, as well.
Oh, Jesus!
Out! I'm going, I'm going. Out of the kitchen. All of you. Out!
Out!
Agnes, I'd love a cuppa.
Oh, put the kettle on, there. Are you sure Cathy won't mind?
Not at all! She'll be delighted to see you.
GET OUT!
Ah, Jeez!
Well, thanks for that, Agnes!
Is it Cathy's first time cooking Christmas dinner?
It's Cathy's first time to cook any buckin' dinner!
POTS CLATTER AND BANG
Oh, Jesus!
Lovely what Father Damien said about his mother at the blessing.
I wasn't there. Me neither.
Oh?
So what did he say?
Father Damien talked about his Christmases as a child
and how his mother had created such wonderful memories for him.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
The best present you can give someone is a memory.
You're absolutely right, Birdie. True.
I remember one Christmas creeping down the stairs
to find a big bunny rabbit holding a chocolate egg!
Maybe that was Easter.
In your house, Winnie, it could have been buckin' Halloween!
MUSIC: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Oh, my goodness!
Is it OK?
OK? It's magnificent!
So, Mammy. Yes, love?
Would you do your gravy?
Well, if you insist...
REFRAIN FROM "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS
Cathy, I don't know how you did it, but everything was perfect.
Especially my gravy!
Really was, Cathy. Really?
Damien, is your mother all right?
Are you joking me? She's loving this.
It's just great being around people, Mrs Brown.
Last Christmas, the two of us just sat in the nursing home for the day.
Oh, that can't have been easy.
Our house was always full at Christmas, wasn't it, Mammy?
There'd be singing and dancing.
Well, Mark is bringing his guitar along later.
We'll get a sing-song going, Father.
Maureen, you might give us a song later.
Song.
I doubt it, Mrs Brown. Mammy hasn't sang in years.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas, son. Let's get this party started.
Now you're talking! Happy Christmas, all. Happy Christmas, Mark.
Happy Christmas, Granny.
Oh, thank you, Bono. Happy Christmas to you.
Do you want your present now? You're going to love it.
Well... Not yet, Bono. You'll give it away.
Happy Christmas, everybody! Happy Christmas, Buster.
Well, Blister, I see Santa Claus's already been.
I wanted a REAL tattoo.
This is just crappy henna.
Listen, the thing about that one is
you can have a different tattoo tomorrow.
You see, son?
Grandad loves tattoos.
No. Get away!
Come here, son. Come here.
Go on.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
Father Damien, your Mammy didn't eat very much.
She doesn't have much of an appetite these days.
And besides, she's having far too much fun in there.
NEEDLE BUZZES
Please, Dad. Can we do the presents now for Granny?
Go on, then. Yes!
OK, everybody, Dad says we can do the presents.
Come on, everyone. Into the kitchen.
Here, Maureen.
You have a little nap there.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
Oh, now. Look at this.
Oh-ho-ho.
Thank you, Maria.
It's a cardigan.
Will you let her open it?
She knows what it is.
We get her a cardigan every year.
She'd be disappointed if we got her anything else.
No, I wouldn't, Dermot.
Oh, look at that. It's absolutely beautiful.
Yeah, it's lovely.
You're very welcome, Mrs Brown.
What's this here?
Oh, now, Buster?
Just a little something from meself and Blister.
Thank you, Blister.
Before I go any further, Mammy,
Bono's going to burst if he doesn't give you his present now.
Oh, OK!
I really hope you like it, Granny. Happy Christmas.
Thank you, son.
And you know what?
It's off to a good start.
It's really well packaged.
Oh...my God.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
It was Dad's idea.
You done all the work on it, son.
He spent hours on it, Ma.
It's as fresh as the day I got it.
Dad told me how much it meant to you.
It meant the world to me. Tell him the story, Ma.
Well, when I was a young girl, I...
I asked Santa Claus for a rocking horse.
And my daddy said that...
..it'd be too awkward for Santa to put it on the sleigh.
I cried my eyes out.
Oh!
There's me mascara!
It gets worse.
But then, on Christmas Eve,
he gave me this.
My own rocking horse.
And he told me that some day
there'll be a real rocking horse under the tree for me.
Hmm.
I fell off this one twice!
MRS BROWN SNIFFS AND SOBS
Sorry for making you cry, Granny.
No, you didn't make me cry, love.
Not yet. But you're going to.
What? In here, Mammy.
Come on, everyone.
What the hell is this?
AUDIENCE GASPS
Happy Christmas, Mammy.
APPLAUSE
You... You made this? Oh, not just me, Ma.
Cathy and Trevor done all the painting
after Dermot spent hours sanding it down.
I got a really bad splinter, Ma.
It's not about you, Dermot!
I...
I-I...
I-I'm... Speechless?
Speech... Yeah.
After all these years.
Now, do you understand why I wanted everything to be perfect?
Your daddy helped.
Cathy, you will NOT make me cry.
And, Mammy?
He didn't break his promise.
MRS BROWN SOBS
# On Christmas Day, yeah! #
Nice one, Trevor.
Right, who's singing the next one? What about Mrs Brown?
Now, here, Birdie, it's your first Christmas with us.
You sing. Sing Away In A Manger.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Mark, give us a C.
# Away in a manger
# No crib for a bed
# The little Lord Jesus
# Lay down his sweet head
# The stars in the bright sky
# Looked down where he lay
# The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay. #
That was lovely, Birdie.
CHORUS OF APPROVAL
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
OK, who's bringing it home? Come on. Who's next? Anybody?
WINNIE: No, I don't know the words.
Aw. All right, well, we'll call it a day at that, so.
THEY GROAN
# Be near me, Lord Jesus
# I ask thee to stay
# Close by me for ever
# And love me, I pray
# Bless all the dear children
# In thy tender care
# And take us to Heaven to live with thee there. #
I was wrong about Christmas.
It's not a hassle.
Maybe you have to run around town looking for that
something special for someone special.
SHE CHUCKLES
The thing is, if they can feel your love in their heart,
then, they know they're worth it.
And if you can feel their love in your heart....
..then you know you're worth it.
I know I'm worth it...
..cos I have a buckin' horse!
SHE CACKLES
Look at me, Daddy!
Yeehah!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all she wears the crown
# Mother hen watching all her chicks
# Sassy old lady full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown... #
Merry Christmas!
# Our Mrs Brown. #
THROATY CACKLE