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(SHOWER RUNNING) (MOANING)
PETE: This is awesome. DEBBIE: Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
PETE: Oh, my God! So incredible.
Do you want to know a secret? I took a Viagra.
What? This is awesome!
Why aren't I using this every day?
What'd you do? Wait. Stop, stop, stop.
Stop. What?
(DEBBIE GROANS)
What's the matter?
"What's the matter?"
You just took a Viagra to have sex with me.
I thought it would make it better.
It was better. It takes some of the pressure off.
Because you can't get hard without a Viagra?
Is it because you don't think I'm sexy?
I thought you'd think it was fun
for me to super-size it for once.
That is the worst birthday present you could ever give someone.
I was just trying to go turbo for your birthday.
My hard-ons are still in analog. This shit's digital.
I don't want a turbo penis.
I like your medium-soft one.
Look, I can get it up. Just not that far up.
Come on. You were liking it. Forget it. Forget it.
Debbie, come on.
All right, you know what? I'll be honest with you.
Lately, my penis hasn't been getting as hard as it used to, all right?
And it's kind of freaked me out.
I don't know whether or not it's because I'm getting older or I'm losing testosterone.
No, it's what I told you. Your artery to your heart is clogged
because you eat so much junk food, and you have high cholesterol,
and that is directly related to your penis vein.
My "penis vein"? Where'd you get my penis vein?
There was a whole Dr. Oz about it.
Cholesterol is not clogging my penis vein.
Maybe I can't get a hard-on fully
because, you know, I keep my phone in my front pocket,
and it's radiating my balls. I'll give you that. That makes sense.
Where'd you even get it from?
A very safe and reputable farmacia.
Mexico? Mexico.
Look at this. You want that to go to waste?
Looks like a plant trying to reach the sun.
Okay, well...
I'll do it for 10 minutes,
but you have to figure out what to do with the other four hours.
Stop it. Dad, stop.
(SING-SONGY) I love you.
Time to get up.
Your breath smells weird.
Wake up.
I really need you to wake up.
(GIGGLES)
Wake up. Come on.
Time to wake up. Okay.
Whoo!
PETE: Ready!
(ALL SINGING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
PETE: Make a wish!
(PLAYING PIANO)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Sayid.
Can I watch Lost?
You can't handle Lost.
It's too violent, and you won't understand.
If I don't understand it, why can't I handle it?
Because you're eight.
I can handle it. I've seen a shark eat a guy on Shark Week.
Shark Week is fake.
No, it's not.
All of it is reenactments.
I know, but they...
And that's scary. You shouldn't be allowed to watch that.
They show the reenactments, but they actually happened.
It's gonna give you nightmares.
I can handle a nightmare. You're a nightmare every day for me.
(CHARLOTTE CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO)
Hey.
Don't eat that cupcake.
What?
The one you just put into the sink.
I saw you were hiding that.
This cupcake? You think I'm going to eat this cupcake?
Yeah. I so don't want this cupcake. Look.
You're still going to eat it. I'm going to eat that cupcake?
Just put it in the trash.
What would you like to do? Your choice.
Anything? Yeah, anything.
Just hang out with you guys.
Don't you want to get a massage, or do something fun?
Forty's huge.
I'm turning 38.
Okay, 38. We will move on.
Isn't it weird that our birthday is the same week,
and then we're going to have a party, and it's just for me?
No, I don't think it's weird at all.
Because you're turning 40 and I'm turning 38.
Come on, do you really want to be one of those ladies
who's just so insecure about their age?
And they lie, and then they gotta remember, and it gets all...
You don't get it. See, you don't understand how it works.
I don't want to shop at old ladies' stores.
I don't want to go to J. Jill and Chico's, and Ann Taylor Loft.
I'm not ready yet.
I need two more years.
That is so insane, it kind of makes sense.
What'd you get me for my birthday?
Wait a minute, I thought you said that
we shouldn't get each other gifts this year.
What do you mean?
You're supposed to get me a surprise gift.
This is a big birthday.
I'm turning 40.
(PLAYING UPBEAT SONG)
SADIE: Mom!
Mom, why can't I get new clothes?
(SCREAMING) What the fuck? Nothing fits me!
God damn it!
I'm going to go work out, I'll be back in about an hour.
Hey, did your father call to wish you a happy birthday?
No, but that's no surprise.
Come on. Coming.
You got to keep up with us, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm in.
That's why your body looks like your body
and her body looks like her body.
Before, after. Before, after.
You guys just go on without me. I'm just gonna...
I think I gotta...
Fuck.
Thanks for letting me join this team.
It's not really a team.
It's just a bunch of guys that get together and ride.
I know, I know. PETE: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(HONKING)
Hey! Bike lane, asshole!
It's always the guy in the fucking lnfiniti.
(PANTS)
Good. See, you're getting tight here. Yeah.
This, we need to work on. Okay.
So, why on earth is Pete taking Viagra? What's going on?
I don't know.
I think maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore or something.
I don't know. Well, that is ridiculous.
If you were my girlfriend, I would not need a Viagra.
I would need an anti-Viagra pill...
To try not to get a boner.
But everyone gives you a boner.
Don't sell yourself short like that.
You give me a boner.
Barb doesn't give me a boner.
Maybe things are just getting stale.
That's why if maybe I work out really hard...
Maybe he'll be able to get a boner again.
Why do you need to have sex, Deb?
Sex is the number one thing people fight about.
You stop having sex, there will be no more fights.
I am living proof.
I have no sex,
and I am the happiest I have ever been.
I knew it. I knew you were not having sex.
I can see it on your face.
It's all...
Puckered and pained.
I'm enjoying our non-sex period, that's all I'm saying.
Don't you miss it?
I wouldn't know, because I don't have any feeling down there anymore.
I have nerve damage from my C-section,
so everything's just kind of... (WHISTLES)
She's numb down there.
I could sit down hard on a fire hydrant,
and I wouldn't even know that I was sitting.
I could get stung by a hornet down there, and I would not feel it.
You could put anything in there,
and I would not know what the object was.
I used to pee in a nice stream,
and now it just kind of goes like a shower head.
That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
I think you need a family. Don't you want a family?
No, I think I want to Clooney it.
Clooney it? Yup.
He doesn't seem happy.
Yeah, he is.
No, he's lonely.
No, he's not.
See, I think he has sad eyes.
You sweet little thing, no.
He's doing sad, lonely eyes to get the next lady.
Look, I can do it, too. Watch.
I bet George Clooney is really lonely.
Just him and his pig.
You'd fuck him. I wouldn't.
So would you. I would.
I wouldn't feel it, but I would.
You'd fuck him with your numb vagina. Yes, you would.
Ocean's Thirteen Inches, that's what you'd find out. (LAUGHING)
Do you think?
I mean, that was idiotic, though. You have to understand that.
That's the one thing you don't do,
is tell her that you used Viagra.
I think that's even on the warning label.
We're in one of those phases where
everything that the other person says
just annoys the shit out of each other.
All the time. It's a blast. Don't worry about it.
You just gotta ride that out.
This sounds terrible.
Okay, I like it.
But...
Do you ever wonder what it would be like if, say,
you were separated by something bigger.
Like death? Like her death?
I have given it a fair amount of thought.
Not in a painful way, just quietly slid into death.
Like a gas leak.
Absolutely. It's gotta be peaceful.
I mean, this is the mother of your children.
You want her to die...
No, I'd want it to be a peaceful...
...gentle, you know.
Yeah, just like drift into a coma from which she never awakens.
And then you move on. Then you are a widower.
That's just it, people love widowers.
They love widowers. It's like the polar opposite of divorced guys.
It's the best.
It's like, "Oh, that poor widower.
"If I could only make him happy."
"Somehow, ease his pain."
"Cock-suck away his sadness."
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
Do you know that this song, Pixies did this song,
it's about a Salvador Dali short film called Un Chien Andalusia.
This music doesn't make people happy.
This song kicks off Doolittle, one of the best albums of the last 30 years.
Look how angry you get while listening to it.
An important record.
It's my birthday. You don't control the radio on my birthday.
I do. (SWITCHES RADIO TO 80s POP)
I control the radio on my birthday.
(SINGING ALONG)
Sadie's watching Lost.
Sadie, how many times have you watched Lost this week?
I only watched 11. But I have eight more, and then I'm done, so...
How many are there? 114.
Are you kidding me?
You can't watch over 100 episodes of a show in five weeks.
It'll melt your brain.
It's not melting my brain, it's blowing my mind.
DEBBIE: That's really bad, Sadie.
You're not allowed to do that.
My relationship with Lost is not your business.
It's extremely personal.
Stop!
Stop it. Be nice to your sister.
You guys are going to cherish each other one day.
Stop it! Stop!
PETE: It's your birthday. You don't need to go to the store.
No, just five minutes. Desi and Jodi are fighting.
All right, five minutes, but then I'm pulling you out.
Hi.
How's Jodi treating you?
Jodi?
Oh, Jodi's my new BFF.
She's like a little kitty-cat.
Sometimes she comes and rubs up against my leg.
And you're a ball of shit.
She loves me.
Huh.
Can you do inventory so that we can do the sidewalk sale?
And you really need to pay attention to the numbers
because we have $12,000 unaccounted for.
I think it's probably Desi.
She's been having a really hard time using these simple computers.
It's because she's stupid.
I think she might be stealing.
She's not stealing.
She's our best employee. She made nine grand last month.
How much did I make?
You brought in $2,200.
That's not bad.
Well, it's not that good.
I mean, I'm not comparing you, but you're not as good.
All right. See you.
I don't think she's wearing underwear.
What? It's all dark up there.
Why are you looking?
I didn't mean to look.
I just said, "Hey, whoa." And there it was.
Maybe she's wearing dark underwear.
Yeah, maybe she has underwear that has a picture of a vagina painted on it.
Stop looking.
Some deep oranges and browns, and maybe some dark greens.
That would really play up your features.
I'll just take out my AmEx and you pick what stuff you think's good.
Whoo!
(GASPS)
Good job!
Whoo!
Where's Daddy?
I think he went to poop.
Pete!
PETE: Q-A-T. Suck on that, bitch.
Hey. What are you doing?
Going to the bathroom.
We're all downstairs, waiting for you.
You've been up here for a really long time now.
I'm almost done. I'll be down in a second.
Charlotte just did her first flip on the trampoline
and she landed on her feet.
She was really proud of herself.
That's great! And you missed it.
She'll do it again.
It's the fourth time you've gone to the bathroom today.
Give me a break.
Why is your instinct to escape?
It's not my instinct to escape from you.
It is my instinct to come into the bathroom
when I need to go to the bathroom.
You want me to hook up cable in here or something?
You need DirecTV?
Well, it's probably too late for this dump,
but if you could do that for the next one, I'd be psyched.
How come I don't smell anything?
It's because I shoved an Altoid up my ass before I came in here.
Let me see, then.
What? Let me see.
No, I'm not going to let you see.
You're not going to let me see,
because you're not taking a poop.
I've been flushing as I go.
You're flushing as you go.
Who takes a half-hour to go to the bathroom?
John Goodman.
Don't press "Enter." I'm not sure I want to make that move!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
PETE'. Thank you. Wow.
You know, when I first started this label,
my dream was to work with musicians and bands
whose music I just admired so much.
The person that I thought, "My God, wouldn't it be incredible to work with,"
was Graham Parker.
Tonight, we have him, solo
because we couldn't afford to fly in The Rumour.
Graham Parker.
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
DEBBIE: it's just not my kind of music.
PETE: Really? What is your kind of music?
I like happy music that you can dance to.
Yeah, but when you listen to a song
where somebody's singing about something depressing,
don't you relate to it? No.
It makes you feel the same as they...
It makes you feel you're a part of the human race.
I don't feel like that.
I like Lady Gaga.
Oh, God, of course you do.
What? Shallow dance music.
It's not. it is fun.
And it's about release and sex and power.
You don't have to like it. It's really not for you, that's fine.
This is a job. This is not a hobby.
Can't you love him, just as a hobby
and sign a 15-year-old hot girl so we can eat?
Graham Parker & The Rumour had two albums
in the Rolling Stone Top 500 Best Albums of All Time.
Two of them.
If I can just sell 10,000 records to his hardcore fanbase,
we're golden.
(FIRE TRUCK SIREN WAILING)
The last of Graham Parker's fans just died.
(LAUGHING)
I do know. Hardly. That sort of music depresses people.
Hi, Charlotte.
Sadie. Sadie, what are you listening to?
Okay. This is music that makes people happy.
And this is what people buy.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
What?
Right, girls?
Come on, Sadie.
(SINGING ALONG)
Okay. (MUSIC STOPS)
Why did you take it off?
Now, something that really rocks.
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
This is called good music.
From somebody's heart.
This is bumming me out. This isn't fun.
Just listen to these words, okay? Just listen to the words.
(SINGER MUMBLING)
I don't understand the words.
This is lyrics. This is poetry.
This is what is going to survive in a hundred years.
It just doesn't make people happy.
Makes me happy. I can dance to it.
But you're the only one in the room who's happy.
Sometimes I wish just one of you had a dick.
Well, we don't want one.
Is there something that you can do to be helping me right now?
Yeah, I'm ready to help. Just tell me what to do.
Can you go get a lunch box or something?
For me or for them?
(SIGHS)
Charlotte! I've got a test!
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Charlotte, I'm going to kill you! (SHUSHING)
Hi, Debbie.
Hi. Any day now, huh?
Not really. Three months, still.
Hi. Hi.
Katie's dying for a play date. Let's hook these two up.
That would be great. Okay, I'll call you. Great.
Okay, great.
No.
No, what? No.
What? No.
She's sweet.
She's evil.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
Listen, Charlotte really needs to get here on time
because she needs the extra time to just settle in.
Oh. We are on time.
Being on time means being early.
Okay.
It's nice to see you in class. We'd like to see more of you.
I come to...
Hi, Debbie.
Grandma Molly.
How are you? I'm so happy about the science fair.
Thank you for coming. It's going very well, I heard.
Yeah. I love you. You look so beautiful!
(LAUGHS)
Happy birthday. I just learned that you're 40.
Are you 40?
Yeah.
I remember when I was 40, and then I blinked,
and there I was, going to be 90.
My God, where did it go?
One day, you're going to blink and you're going to be 90.
And I won't be around to see it, and that makes me very sad.
I'm telling you. I'm warning you.
Don't blink. Don't blink. (CHORTLING)
ACCOUNTANT: (ON PHONE) And then you missed the mortgage payment,
and that's the second mortgage.
You gotta tighten your belt. You gotta go home, sit down,
look at your expenses, come clean with Debbie.
Oh, God. I can't tell Debbie.
You've got to tell her, Pete.
I mean, she knows it's bad, but she has no idea just how bad.
If you sell the house, it'll really buy you some time.
No, Debbie's not really into selling the house.
As your business manager and your friend, I can't recommend that.
Hey, how funny would it be if I bought your house?
Okay. Bye.
Hang in there.
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
MALE ANNOUNCER: From the retro label, Unfiltered,
comes the first Graham Parker & The Rumour record in 30 years.
When we play together, the magic was just ridiculous.
And I think what we've got is just so great.
What are you doing?
I'm contextualizing him as one of the great figures in rock history.
You can't show him in his prime in '77,
and then jump straight to him as he is now.
It's terrifying.
You have got to reverse it. You have got to show him
as he is now, very briefly, and then show him in 1977.
You have got to Benjamin Button it.
I don't know what you're talking about. All rock stars are older now.
Steven Tyler, David Bowie, Mick Jagger...
Paul McCartney. Okay. Stop it.
Everybody that you are mentioning looks like an old woman now.
You're just mentioning a bunch of Jessica Tandys.
Keith Richards gets away with it.
But that's because Keith Richards looked 70 when he was 40.
And now that he's 70, he looks 69.
He's regenerating.
I like it, and I think Graham Parker's sexy.
Well, would you fuck him?
Yes. You'd...
You'd fuck him and you won't fuck me?
I mean, I kind of fucked you once,
if you could have finished. Oh. I finished.
Okay, enough of who fucked who and who finished what.
I finished.
Look, it's a retro label. That's our niche, that's our market.
It costs money to break new bands. I can't do that.
Okay, and also, you're the guy who turned down Arcade Fire.
Everybody turned down Arcade Fire.
It's crazy. There's so many of them.
We don't have the money to market a new band.
We just need to make Graham seem relevant.
Who's he talking to?
The Jewish Journal.
The Jewish Journal?
Apparently, old Jews are the only ones who still buy hard copy of records.
Because they don't like to download music.
Because they don't know what "downloading" means.
Why is this album different from any other album?
It isn't.
What is he wearing?
It's a hat with the Oreo logo on it.
Why? I don't think he's being ironic.
I think he just really likes Oreos.
Look, Paul Westerberg record did okay.
Frank Black record did all right.
The Haircut One Hundred, not so much.
We have to break this record. Otherwise, we're not here next year.
He's coming, he's coming. Oreo Man is coming.
Hey, guys, how are you?
Good, man.
Aren't cookies the best? Yeah.
Jewish Journal guy loves the record.
Great!
Got a bit of a problem, though. A touch of gout.
Gout?
My whole family, they all had gout.
Jesus. That's very unfortunate.
My auntie Queenie, she had a foot like this.
It's like a size of a small pig. I've got a photo of it.
I'd love to see that photo of that gout foot.
And a couple of bunions as well.
Fuck.
I've got to go to the podiatrist,
and I hope he can shoot me up with something.
Yeah, well, let's get you to the podiatrist.
Bye, Graham. See you later, Graham.
Good luck with your gout.
Rock and roll, baby.
The happiest period in people's lives is from age 40 to 60.
So, this is it. We're in it right now.
It's true. Says who?
Says a lot of people. Most people say that. Oh!
We have everything we need right now to be completely happy.
We're going to blink, and be 90. What?
So, let's just choose to be happy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Your eyes are kind of glazing over.
No, I'm processing it all.
Some of these, I wrote for you.
So, we have to exercise every day. Mmm.
Spend more time alone together.
And we have to go to the therapist, every week.
It's a little pricey.
No stressing over tiny things.
Yeah, that's good. You should do that. Mm-hmm.
We have to get more involved in school.
Yeah. Have more patience with the kids.
And we need to work on our anger.
Yeah, I think it would be good if you could take care of your anger.
No, I said both of us.
That's what I said. Our anger.
Okay, and no more smoking.
Yeah, you gotta cut that out.
I don't want to make this about a fight. I want to just be positive.
Yeah. Sorry.
Okay, and then no more holding onto resentments.
We have to just let that go.
So, you're saying that if we're arguing,
and I apologize, you'll let it go?
And not throw it back in my face later?
Well, I don't do that,
but I will continue not to do that.
And what did you write?
All of that. That's plenty. That's a lot.
And you're going to eat better?
Oh, yeah. I've been doing a decent job.
But I don't think there's anything wrong
with having some fries every now and again.
And then I'll smoke that day.
That's not the same thing. It is the same thing.
I like fries.
And the other thing is your dad's stuff,
the not letting him guilt-trip you all the time
because that puts a lot of pressure on you, and stress,
and then the whole family feels it. (STRUMS INSTRUMENT)
And he is a grown man, and he's not our responsibility.
And you're not giving him money anymore, right?
No. No, I haven't been giving him money.
I haven't done that for years. I told you.
Can you please put that down?
A lot of people are RSVP-ing to your birthday party.
You sure you don't want to just do a joint birthday party?
No.
We always used to. No.
Did Jodi tell you she thinks Desi's stealing?
Are you serious?
How much? $12,000.
Oh, God.
And Desi's taking it?
Well, I don't know.
That's what Jodi said.
We really need the store to work.
It is.
Don't put that kind of pressure on me.
No, no. It's not what I mean. I'm just...
Are you nervous about money?
Are we okay?
Yeah. All right.
Maybe we just suck it up because she's clearly
earning so much more than any other employee we have.
Oh, yeah, for sure. We can't fire her.
We're barely breaking even with her.
That's why we have to keep her.
Look at this. She's making out with somebody.
(GASPS)
Is she screwing him?
PETE: That might be like a dry hump.
DEBBIE: Look at the position of her skirt.
That's too grainy to know for sure.
(GASPING)
Oh, my God. This is in the middle of the day. Customers could be in there.
At least she's getting some.
What did you say? "At least she's getting some"?
(LAUGHING) Yes.
What are you talking about? We had sex the other night.
You gotta give me a little credit for that.
It's not about credit. It's about...
We need to have more passion.
Like this.
That's not passionate.
It looks passionate to me.
What?
(PARTS)
What is she doing? (FARTS) Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
Don't do that. What am I doing?
Don't fart in the bed.
I'm not. It's the springs.
This is why we never have sex.
That's disgusting, you're gross.
I don't know what you're talking about.
(FARTS CONTINUOUSLY) You're so...
God!
(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
Charlotte, I'm doing my homework.
Okay, watch this. Watch this.
There's a haunted cow back here.
I'm pretty sure it does not have milk.
(YELLS)
Moo.
Moo!
See that? They took me away.
You're no fun. You never want to play.
Charlotte, how many times do I have to tell you?
(SINGING) Sadie, Sadie, Sadie
Sadie is boring
(IMITATES PLAYING THE GUITAR)
You're so mean since your body got weird.
Close the door.
You're no fun.
If you can just move just a little bit more.
(GRUNTS) Oh, shit.
Ah!
Ow. Ow.
No, my boob is in there!
Did I tell you that my son's going to Stanford?
No, that's great. Great for us, and great for him.
Cough again. Great school.
(COUGHS)
Everything looks good.
Your face is close to my face.
Descending colon.
I'm about four feet in right now.
That's what he said. (LAUGHS)
Just try to breathe through your nose.
That's your mouth. Breathe through your nose.
(GAGS) Are you all right?
(GAGS LOUDLY)
Are you a grinder? Do you grind your teeth?
I grind all night.
(IMITATES GRINDING TEETH) Oh!
(LAUGHS)
I think we need to turn the gas down.
Turn it up!
No, we're going to turn it down.
Turn it up!
(LAUGHING)
(WINCES) Ooh!
Do you have to breathe right on my neck?
Sorry.
What are you all doing for Christmas?
Um, I don't know.
You have a tree and everything? Mm-hmm.
Isn't that fun? In the spirit?
Sorry, I just had one quick question.
On your form, you said you were born in 1974,
but your paper, it said '72. So I just need to know which it is.
It's 1974.
Oh, wait. Because on your last form,
you said that you were born in 1975.
Didn't you tell me you were born in 1976?
No. (LAUGHS) That's funny.
So, you want to go with 1974?
I'm not gonna "go with" 1974. It is 1974. (LAUGHS)
Okay.
Just remember to write "1974" every time.
It's okay. It's 1976.
I lie about my age, okay?
Okay. Okay? Okay? Okay?
Okay- Okay-
You're tightening up.
Oh, my gosh.
I know how old you are by counting the rings. (CHUCKLES)
A little gyno joke.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God. Please.
What are you doing?
Getting ready to go for my ride.
You want a blow job?
Yeah. Why?
I really want a cigarette right now. (CHUCKLES)
Wow, happy to help.
Charlotte, where is my backpack?
CHARLOTTE: Hello?
Mom's busy!
Why are you locking the door?
Mom, what's going on in there?
Mom, I can't be late for school. I have a test.
PETE: Mommy can't talk right now!
SADIE: This isn't funny, Mom. I need to go!
Mom, let me in! Please!
That's not gonna help!
PETE: Put on your shoes. We'll meet you in the car.
Ow. Sadie hurt me! I didn't!
So, hit her back!
She's faking.
I'm not! PETE: Go downstairs!
Please! Sadie gave me a...
Stop crying! Stop crying!
Stop it! God damn it!
PETE: Quit killing each other! Mom, please come out.
Shut up! Stop it!
Open the door! PETE: Go away!
Open it up! Please!
Forget it.
No, don't forget it, don't forget it. Don't, don't...
(CHARLOTTE WAILING) Oh, God.
Hey, boychik!
Hey!
(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)
It's the 11:00 from London.
Drop something valuable, you shit!
How you doing? How are you, bubeleh?
That's loud. Every eight minutes, buddy.
You look pretty good. Your hair is different.
Yeah, I'm growing it out.
I'd get it cut.
Daddy, you never play with me.
I do, but right now, look who I'm talking to.
Hi. It's your brother!
Hi. You don't look like my brother.
I told you, honey, that's because of the egg donor.
Remember? I came from a test tube!
(GIGGLES) (FORCED CHUCKLE)
How's business? It's not good.
Nobody wants curtains.
They think of it like a luxury. It's not a luxury.
You need shade. You need privacy.
Who wants to have other people watch you fuck?
(BOY GIGGLES) I know how you feel.
My business is going through some growing pains right now.
Daddy! Daddy!
Don't jump on Daddy. Be careful, don't jump on Daddy!
Remember, Daddy has high blood what?
(GIGGLES) High blood pressure.
That's right. My daddy's old.
Can you go outside without me for a little bit?
Yeah. Don't go near that little pool!
All right? We're going to pee in the pool.
Do The Three Stooges routine you were practicing.
I can't tell them apart.
I swear to God, I need tattoos.
Look, I wanted to talk to you about
scaling back a little bit.
You know, Deb and I are... We're thinking about selling the house.
I think that house is more than you need.
I think it was too big of a purchase when you made it.
Yeah. In the meantime, I'm going to have to make some changes.
I'm going to have to cut back.
I understand. What do you mean?
With you. Oh.
I'm sorry. What?
I can't lend you any more money.
No, that's a bad idea. That's not the way to cut back.
I have three children here.
What about Claire? Can't she get a job?
Claire takes care of your brothers!
What do you want her to do?
If she goes to work, then I gotta hire somebody!
Well, you've got to figure something out
because I can't do it. I can't do it.
Okay, fine. Why don't we kill them?
Come on, we'll kill two of them.
I'll keep the best one.
Really, it'll save us both a lot of trouble.
Come on. Line up!
Line up for murder! Come on!
Who wants to be killed? I do!
Okay, we're eliminating one already. We're cheaper. You're gone.
BOY: Murder me. Okay. Boom. Dead!
I'm dead! You're dead! You're dead!
Kill me, kill me! All right, the kids are murdered.
That will save us some money. Daddy is the best!
Why would you have three kids, anyway?
I mean, you're 60 years old. You have no money.
Because Claire wanted a baby.
If we didn't at least try, she would have left me.
She was 45 years old. Nobody thought it would take.
The doctor, when we're doing in vitro, is winking at me like...
"Don't worry, don't worry."
We were very unlucky.
And now, we have these three beautiful children.
Come on. I gotta tell you something.
What?
Your mother wanted you aborted.
Oh. Jesus Christ.
No, no. It's the truth.
You know, it was the '70s. We were 22 years old.
That's what everybody did. You did some blow, had sex, had an abortion.
Really? Yes.
We were on the way to the doctor's office.
I said, "Let's stop, have a pizza, talk about it.
"If you still wanna do it after lunch, it's okay."
The pizza saved your life.
But don't give me money, because I'm not worth it.
So, how much do I owe you for saving my life?
I don't have a number. You just keep giving like you're giving.
Hey. Oh, hi, Pete.
Hey- Hey-
Why aren't you playing with the kids?
We were playing all day with them.
Pete is just talking to me about his 40th birthday party.
Whatever I can do to help.
Okay. Did you feed them?
I fed half of one.
Half of...
Let's go, we'll feed them. Mommy will feed them.
(AIRPLANE FLYING OVERHEAD)
Who wants tuna with a side of jet fuel?
Hi, I'm looking for my dad. I mean, an older man.
So, how's Sony treating Pete?
He's not with Sony anymore. He went out on his own.
Now he's able to focus on the artists
that he's really passionate about.
Hmm.
How's Sadie doing?
The last time I saw her, she was throwing her Cheerios on the floor.
(CHUCKLES) What a mess.
Right.
She just got her period.
Well, I guess she's not a little baby anymore.
It would be nice to see more of each other.
Well, we can certainly arrange for that. I'd love to see the girls.
That would be nice. Mm-hmm. It would.
Do you have a day that is better... A good day?
I would say the weekends, but our weekends are hell.
Soccer competitions, kids' exams.
Right, right. I mean, we're both so busy.
I have young children, you have young children.
I don't think we should judge ourselves too harshly about that.
I know, I wasn't... I didn't say anything.
No, I'm glad we're here. I think this is a good start.
And then, we can spend more time together, it'd be nice.
It'd be nice.
Do you want to see pictures of the kids?
Oh. Yeah.
This is Kel, my son.
He's handsome. He's 13? Mm-hmm.
And that's Alexandra, my daughter. She's a real perfectionist.
A lot like you.
That's the whole gang at Cabo.
Excuse me, dear, I gotta go to the restroom.
Be right back. Okay.
Daddy and I are making some changes
so that we can be happier and healthier.
And we're starting with this meal that I prepared.
I think it looks great. Doesn't it look good?
What is that, grilled cheeses?
No, baked tofu. Oh.
It's actually really tasty.
And the lettuce is so fresh and tasty
that you forget how good lettuce tastes on its own,
without dressing.
No, dressing always gets in the way of the natural taste of the lettuce.
And another thing we've decided
is to cut back on all of the electronics we use.
Basically, what we're going to do, is get rid of the Wi-Fi
and only use the computer...
What? ...from 8:00 to 8:30 at night.
How are we gonna go on the computer?
We're gonna have a hard line in the kitchen.
Yeah. We'll supervise that.
You can't do this. You can't take away the Wi-Fi.
No Wi-Fi! A-ha-ha.
You don't spend enough time with the family
when you're constantly on your iPhone and your computer.
And, you know, you're only here for five more years.
So, you won't see me after five years?
No, but you won't be living with us.
And you should get to know your little sister.
PETE: You've got the perfect friend, right here.
I don't wanna be friends with her now.
I'll be friends with her when she's 20 and a normal person.
I don't wanna hang out with her when I'm in my 20s.
You're on the computer too much as it is.
You need to get outside more, do some playing outside.
Yeah, you could build things. You could build a fort outside.
What? Yeah, build a fort.
Play with your friends and have...
Make a fort? Outside?
And do what?
Do what in the fort?
When I was a kid, we used to build tree houses and play with sticks.
Nobody plays with sticks.
You and Charlotte can have a lemonade stand.
Play kick the can.
Look for dead bodies.
It's fun. That's fun to do.
Get a tire and then just take a stick and run down a street with it.
Nobody does that crap. It's 2012.
You don't need technology.
No technology!
Charlotte, put that down.
I don't need to be monitored all the time on the computer.
I don't do anything bad.
Nobody said you were bad.
I don't do things I'm not supposed to.
I don't illegally download music.
I don't look at porn like Wendy.
She is up to no good. She's not allowed to come over here anymore.
What's porn?
No, she said "corn."
This isn't turning out the way I wanted it to.
I'm not hungry.
No computer. Listen to your mom.
I need to use it for my homework.
(SADIE SLAMS DOOR)
She's outplaying us.
I know. She's tough.
DEBBIE: This is the best birthday present.
PETE: It's good to get away.
We haven't been to Laguna without the kids in years.
I know. If we're happy, they're happy.
Yeah, I mean, I can't take it.
With the hormones, and the crying.
Jesus. And "do my homework."
Them's lil' bitches.
Them's lil' bitches. Bugging us for shit all the time.
And they never appreciate anything.
No! God, no. They're selfish assholes.
(LAUGHING)
Aw, I feel bad. I love them.
I know.
DEBBIE: I miss them already. Should we go home?
PETE: Nah.
Why do we fight?
I don't know, it makes no sense.
It makes no sense.
When we get in a fight,
look at my eyes and let's remember this moment, right now,
and know that we never have to fight.
But you're such a dick sometimes.
I know, lam a dick sometimes.
People think I'm so nice, but I'm such a dick.
Thank you for admitting that.
And you get so mad at me, I feel like you want to kill me.
I do want to kill you.
How would you do it?
I don't know. I'd poison you.
I'd poison your cupcakes that you pretend not to eat every day.
And just put enough in to just slowly weaken you.
I love it.
I would enjoy our last few months together. Me too.
Because you'd be so weak and sweet.
And I could take care of you...
But while killing you.
See, you know what I love about us?
You can still surprise me.
I figured, for sure, you'd knock me out with one fell swoop of poison.
But you would extend it over a series of months.
(LAUGHS)
Have you ever thought about killing me?
Oh, yeah. Really?
Sure.
How would you do it? Wood chipper.
A wood chipper? Yeah.
A wood chipper.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know. Did you see Fargo?
Yeah.
(WHOOSHES)
Ugh.
That's a bad plan. The cupcakes is a way better plan.
It is. You're right.
You know what? I won't murder you.
Aw!
I love you.
I love you, too.
Do you know what I brought? What?
A medical marijuana cookie. Ben gave it to me last Christmas.
What?
Yeah. I brought it. You did?
Chocolate chip kooky.
Should we do it?
Let's eat the cookie and then we'll order a bunch of cheeseburgers.
Let's order the entire room service menu.
Just get all of it. You deserve it, you really do.
Wouldn't you rather have me around
for less years and I'm incredibly happy, than longer and miserable?
Yes, and I just realized that right now.
Go get the cookie. I'm getting the cookie.
Go get the cookie.
Ow!
Should we watch porn when we eat the cookie?
Yeah. Should we get a block of porn?
I don't think we need 24 hours of porn.
But you know, two porns costs just about as much as a 24-hour block.
I think that's too much porn.
We don't have to watch it all, but for the value, it makes sense.
How much are we supposed to eat?
I don't know. I think six or seven cookies, right?
Plus, it's old, it probably has lost some of its...
Potency.
We should have sex more.
I mean, girls have it so easy.
You just show up with your sexual organs and you're good to go.
All the pressure is on the guy.
It's true.
And I look at guys... Like, I look at a guy like Prince,
and you know that guy fucks.
Yeah.
I know I don't fuck like Prince. Uh-uh.
Prince can fuck. Uh-huh.
I fuck like David Schwimmer.
(BOTH LAUGH)
You do.
You know, I fuck like Ross from Friends.
Mmm.
Looks good.
How does he do it?
The floating spoon.
Check it out. It's my dick and balls.
Oh, my God. I don't eat my own dick.
I ate my dick!
Kelly, I think this room has rodents.
There! Just saw it.
Have you seen my starfish?
Where did I put my starfish?
My God.
I'm gonna deep throat this Ã©clair.
I wanna make out with you so bad.
I felt like I was gonna choke!
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
That was nice.
Mom, Charlotte's crying
because she's got an ear infection again.
JODI: I didn't know what to do.
We're home.
Are you okay? (CHARLOTTE CRYING)
What's the matter?
I wanna rip my ear off, it hurts so much.
I told you that pediatrician didn't know what he was talking about.
Come on, you can't blame it on our doctor.
Ear infections are common in little kids.
Not in kids over six years old.
We're going to the Eastern doctor.
If she's in this much pain, then we should call a real doctor.
Are you kidding right now?
(CHARLOTTE SOBBING)
I know. Okay. Yup.
What we should do is easy and simple.
No more dairy, no more wheat, no more sugar.
Sugar, wheat and dairy. Okay. Yeah.
What the fuck is left?
Sorry.
Isn't everything sugar, wheat, and dairy?
She can have vegetables and fruits.
(IMITATES DOCTOR) Oh, but she can eat fruits.
Fruits. Yeah.
Any kind of fruit?
Mangos, pineapple-
It isn't, there are safe fruits
and then there are unsafe fruits? No, no.
What about French fries?
Could we do something like that? Are you okay?
Would you like to come on the table? I'm okay, I'm...
Why don't you go on the table?
PETE: I don't wanna go on the table.
No. It looks like you need to get on the table.
I don't wanna get on the table.
Pete!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
PETE: God damn it.
What are you doing?
I need you to look at something. In my butt.
(CONTINUES CLICKING)
Why?
I think I got something in there,
and I'm not limber enough to see.
I need you to look at it, all right?
I think I might have an anal fissure, or a hemorrhoid, or a worm or something.
What are you doing with your phone?
I'm trying to take pictures of it so I can compare it to something on Google.
Can we just keep just a small shred of mystery
in our relationship, please?
Look, I saw you have two babies, okay?
Seriously, I need you to get up all in that.
I do not want to investigate your anus.
Payback time.
(SIGHS)
It's a hemorrhoid.
Thank you.
Now, erase that from your memory.
Where'd she get those clothes? Those are expensive clothes.
Think. Where do you think?
I don't want this to sound harsh,
but everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie.
Everything that goes into it is a dick.
Everything that goes in is dicks?
A dick.
Don't say that.
I'm sorry. I'm just being protective of the store.
I'm going to go talk to her.
Hey, Desi.
Hi. Hi.
Is that your new Acura out front?
Uh,yeah.
It's so nice.
Do you love it?
I mean, it's not a fucking Porsche, but it'll do for now.
Huh.
Hey, Desi, would you mind wearing
some of the clothes that we have in the store?
Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Will that be okay? Yeah.
Perfect.
Good?
You know, I actually made this one myself.
Did you? Yeah.
The tiger, I did it on a piece of paper separately,
and then I actually transferred it to the T-shirt.
Wow.
So, you stenciled on the tiger?
I drew it on a piece of paper and then
I transferred the drawing to the T-shirt.
You have an amazing body.
Really?
Yes. Are those real?
My boobs? Yeah.
Yeah. Do you wanna touch them?
Really?
Touch them.
Okay.
Wow.
Huh.
Jesus.
I mean, they really are amazing. That's firm, for real.
They're like a memory mattress.
It's, wow, like Tempur-Pedic, you know?
They look amazing.
My kids just sucked the meat right out of mine.
No. Yeah.
There's some meat in there.
My boobs are just gone. Since I had kids, my boobs are just gone.
They didn't even say goodbye, you know? They just left.
By the time I'm 40, these are gonna go National Geographic on me.
I feel bad about myself right now.
REALTOR: I think this is a really good offer on the house.
We expected more.
I know it's a bad market,
but that's still way under what we were looking for.
I know, but based on what the market's like, it's like you're gaining money,
because it's so much more than what you deserve.
But these people are from Iran
and they don't really know that they're offering too much.
ls there any chance that Debbie will go for it?
I doubt it. I mean, I don't know.
There's a lot of inventory out there.
I mean, what is her problem?
She has unrealistic expectations.
I'm faster than you!
We're Jewish!
Hey! Did you miss me, Travis?
It's Jack.
Hey, Jack.
JACK: My daddy doesn't know my name! (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: Okay, come on, let's go.
Can I go show them my crystals before they leave?
DEBBIE: Yeah, really quick.
It's all right with me. Elevator down!
Okay. Go play with your tiny uncles.
JACK: Let's play murder! TRAVIS: Yeah. Let's go.
So, what are you doing? Spring cleaning?
I'm getting rid of everything in the house that has gluten or sugar.
Why? What's wrong with gluten?
Gluten's really bad for you.
I don't think so. It's wheat.
Don't you watch Dr. Oz?
As in, "The Wizard of"?
Hey, Mom, we were wondering if we can use the computer to iChat?
Remember the rules? 8:00 to 8:30.
Yeah, but I have a friend over.
Hi, Wendy. Yeah, I know.
Why don't you guys go play? You could go build a fort!
LARRY: Hey, remember the Alamo?
Have you ever built a fort, Wendy?
Like, on Facebook?
I will take this if you're gonna throw it away,
because at our house, we're wheat-eaters.
But don't you want to live long enough to see your kids grow up?
That's up to God, honey.
No, but that's really not good for the kids.
Eh, the kids eat grass, this is fine.
Wendy's mom lets her go on whenever she wants.
Yeah, my mom's pretty cool about it
as long as I finish my homework.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I'm not the cool one,
but the rules are just different in our house.
Well, I get better grades than Wendy.
She does. She's so smart.
Let me just grab the candy worms.
See, your rules are ridiculous.
Don't sass me.
I'm only sassing you because you're throwing out all the food in our house
and I'm freaking starving.
You're being stupid.
Wendy, could you go stand in the other room, please?
Yeah. Mom.
Give me your iPhone, now.
The nougat things are good.
I have all my contacts in there.
Okay, if you don't give me your phone right now,
then I'm gonna have to take away your phone and your computer.
Jesus Christ, I need my computer to do homework.
That's it. No phone, no computer.
This is B.S.
This is a bunch of F-ing S. You're acting like a B.
Kids! Time to go!
You go to your room, right now.
You are not allowed to use
iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, iTunes, Netflix,
Pandora, or Spotify.
She's a little pip, just like her mommy.
So, I might have a job tomorrow.
At least, I'm gonna go try to give an estimate.
Do you mind taking the kids for a couple of hours?
Um...
Okay.
This is nice.
You and I don't spend enough time together, do we?
We spend enough time together.
We do?
It's quality time.
Then we do.
I'll go with what you think.
DEBBIE: What else did they say?
All right, some kid named Joseph...
I know Joseph. You do?
He's making a "hot-or-not" list.
What?
Sadie said, "That's so lame and immature that you're doing that."
And then Joseph says, "Yo, girl, we're just having some fun.
"So don't be a bitch, yo."
That is not nice.
So then Sadie said, "Don't call me a bitch."
And Joseph said, "I didn't call you a bitch.
"I said don't act like a bitch.
"And by the way, you're in the 'Not-Hot' column."
Who made him the judge of "hot"?
Do you realize what that could do to her self-esteem?
What a little fuckhead. I'll kill him.
Then Sadie said, "You're in the jackass column.
"I gotta go, I'm bored of you."
That is cool. That's taking the high road.
And then, for some reason,
there's an emoticon of a panda doing push-ups.
I wonder what that means.
I don't think it means anything. I think it's just adorable.
Aww.
Well, she's a good girl.
She was polite and she stood up for herself.
That's pretty cool. (GASPS)
What?
Shit. What?
I thought she was coming in.
Oh, my God, that scared me to death.
If she caught us, she would kill us.
She would. She would kill us.
Huh.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
I gotta make a call.
We sold how many?
RONNIE: 612 album downloads.
Wait a minute. There are no zeroes after that?
There are zeroes, but all of them are before 612.
There are none after.
How is that even possible?
Well, out of 300 million Americans,
612 people chose to download the album.
You could personally call everyone who bought this record.
We're fucked, we're fucked.
Here's the deal, I want you to meet me tomorrow morning at 8:00.
I want a list of at least 30 ideas of what we can do to change this.
We have to change this.
I started a record label because I couldn't get a job,
so I have no other options. (PHONE BEEPS)
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING LOUDLY ON RADIO)
(SINGING ALONG)
What financial problems?
Well, I mean, for one thing, you were right.
You are missing about $10,000 from the store.
And then, Pete's record not selling well.
Pete's record not selling...
I thought we weren't supposed to hear for three weeks.
We heard. You heard?
And they're bad.
It's that and it's the money that he's been lending his father.
That's creating a strain.
How much have we lent him?
Eighty thousand.
Did you say 8,000 or 80,000?
80,000, over the past couple of years.
And then you missed the mortgage payment.
On the house?
And you missed the rental on the office.
Does Pete know that?
Yeah, we're on the phone all the time.
Look, I know you're going through a hard time.
And I want you guys to know that we're here for you, okay?
Anything you guys need, that's why we're here.
We're here for times like this.
What are you gonna do?
There's not much I can do.
What are you doing?
I'm drawing the album cover for Van Halen's Diver Down.
If you spent a little bit more time focusing on Graham Parker
instead of drawing album covers,
I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I'm focused on Graham Parker.
You're supposed to help me with him.
You're supposed to call the companies.
You're supposed to get people to the show.
I've done everything I can, Pete.
You had me pushing around a corpse.
It was like being in fucking Weekend at Graham's.
What should we do? I'm out of ideas.
You fly in The Rumour.
I can't sell a reunion concert without the band, it's ridiculous.
With what? I can't afford it.
You put this on yourself. You wanted the responsibility.
Take it on the fucking chin, and stop acting like a bitch.
What did you call me?
Chin.
Pete. Wait, Pete!
Hey, I have an apartment.
I have health insurance, I have car payments.
I have responsibilities.
You have responsibilities? Don't talk to me about responsibilities.
I have a life. I have a family.
I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting high, jerking off,
and then going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at 3:00 in the morning.
That's not even the order that that happens in!
I have everything to lose, here. Everything.
Yes, because you spent thousands of dollars on shit we don't need.
You really need to spend $30,000 on a fucking neon sign, dude?
Which is inside, it's not even outside. We know where we work.
If you want to sign a band, you gotta look like you're the real deal.
Princess Labia, how much is it to fucking fly The Rumour in?
It's 12,000.
$12,000!
All right, you know what? Fine.
Fly in The Rumour. Put it on my AmEx.
No, you said it was impossible.
I don't think I said "impossible."
Yeah.
I usually don't say "impossible."
I like to leave some wiggle room.
You said that my fibroid was like a giant boulder,
like the one from the Indiana Jones movies
blocking up my uterus. Uterus.
And I need to stop using that reference of Indiana Jones.
I think that that's not appropriate when talking about the reproductive system.
It's okay.
Anyway, somehow the Eastern medicine has worked,
and the fibroid has dissipated.
That's great! Yes.
Wow. Yes.
Your fibroid shrunk and somehow
it allowed you to get pregnant.
What?
You're gonna have your third baby.
Congratulations.
No.
Yes.
Would you like some water?
That's good news.
Another baby.
At 40.
Debbie?
I am thrilled.
And Pete is gonna be so happy.
So, you're okay?
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
What a relief.
Because I can finally relax now, you know?
It's been, like...
(SIGHS)
It's okay.
I'm so happy, though, you know?
I really am, because, I mean...
It's good.
Great. Great.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Hey- Hey'
Why are you in a bathrobe? It's the middle of the afternoon.
I took a late shower. Why are you busting my balls?
I'm sorry about the record.
You're going through financial shit. This is what I live with.
This is a horrible time in human history. What is that?
It's something that might help both of our situations.
This is a drawing by John Lennon.
I got it 10 years ago for $5,000.
I don't know how much it's worth now.
It could be five, it could be 20.
I don't want this.
I don't even like it. I'm not gonna hang it up.
It's not for you to hang up. It's for you to sell.
That way, I can give it to you and you make some money,
and Debbie won't know that I'm giving you anything.
You're not giving me money. You're giving me a project.
I don't know how to sell this. I'm not an art dealer.
(STAMMERS) I don't know. Sell it online.
You know, do some research, make some calls.
Or is that too hard to do with your high blood pressure?
All right. Don't get snippy.
Just because you write a great song doesn't mean you can draw.
It's incredible. John Lennon drew it.
I think it's a Ringo.
Don't beat me up if I get $300 for it.
Don't take anything less than $6,500 for that.
It's very valuable. It's important to me.
I want you to sell it so I can help you.
Okay.
All right. I'll see you at my party.
What should I bring? You want wine or something?
No, don't buy wine with my money and give it to me at my party.
That's mean.
I love you. Bye. All right.
How do I call eBay?
I mean, he called me a bitch. What am I supposed to say?
But I think maybe that might mean he likes me.
I don't know. It's making me really... It's really awkward.
I think he might like you.
She's so cute. She's so tall.
I know.
How did that happen?
Do you ever wish we had a bigger family?
(CLICKS TONGUE) No. Never for a second.
Never.
Never? Never.
I love what we have.
One? A breeze.
Two? Brutal.
Three? Put a bullet in my head.
Ugh.
You know, I think about that gray-haired pregnant lady from school,
and I just feel bad for her.
And I feel bad for the kid.
Can you imagine?
All the other little kids, "Where's your mommy?"
"Oh, she's the one sitting in that scooter, eating a soft cracker."
Kids don't want to have old parents.
You know what? It would also be nice for us to spend some time apart.
Kind of rediscover who we are, individually.
It'd be so great to not see you for a chunk of time,
so that I could really just miss you.
Remember when we used to miss each other?
Hey! Hey, you.
Yeah, what's up?
Hey, I'm Sadie's mom.
Sadie?
Sadie, the one you chat with on the Internet.
No, man. That ain't me.
Well, it was you. I saw your picture.
Did you make a hot list? And not put Sadie on the hot list?
She was not on my list, no.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make my own hot list.
And you know what? You're on the not-hot list.
How does that feel?
It doesn't bother me. I'm comfortable with the way I am.
Maybe you shouldn't be so comfortable with yourself.
You know why?
You look like a miniature Tom Petty.
How's that feel?
You think that haircut's cool? It's not.
It looks like you put your Justin Bieber wig on backwards.
Are you still comfortable with yourself?
Why are you wearing a tank top? Huh?
So you can show off your little bald pits, you little hairless wonder?
Cool tank top, man. Huh?
So next time you think about writing something nasty
on my daughter's Facebook page, just remember me.
Remember me.
I will come down here, and I will fuck you up.
(SOBS) Okay, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute. Hey,hey,hey!
Wait. You're not... Are you crying?
Just let me go.
Oh, my...
I'm sorry. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm not in my right head.
I understand. My mom's going through menopause, too.
It's a hard time.
What'd you say?
Are you going through menopause?
I'm not going through menopause.
I'm not gonna go through menopause for like 20 years.
I'm pregnant, you little bitch.
God damn it!
I'm going out with Desi to find out if she's stealing from us.
I've got the Graham Parker concert. Who's gonna watch the kids?
I don't know. Figure it out.
DEBBIE: I kind of just wanted to talk.
I thought maybe we could go to a coffeehouse or something.
You want coffee? This place has coffee.
They have all kinds of drinks.
Um...
But someplace quiet, maybe.
This place can be quiet.
There's a spot in the back. It's pretty quiet.
What sport do you guys play?
We play hockey.
Oh, I like hockey.
Play for?
We play for the Philadelphia Flyers.
So, you guys are all from Philadelphia?
ALL: No.
Actually, none of us are.
Do you guys still have all of your teeth?
Well, I got all my teeth except these ones. (GASPS)
Do you want to try them on?
Yeah, I'll do it. Go for it.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Do I look sexy?
ALL: Yeah!
Do you want to make out with me?
Oh, yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wow.
They definitely look way better on her than they do on you.
Here we go.
Thank you.
So, should we go to the quiet area?
No,no,no.
Where are you going?
We kind of have to have a little business meeting tonight.
Business meeting?
Girls, you gotta celebrate because we won tonight. Let's go.
I want to party with these winners. Come on, Deb.
Just come to the stage and dance with us.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah!
Okay, let's fucking dance!
Yeah!
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
PETE: Don't be shy, feel free to come down and fill up these empty seats.
Thank you so much for coming. This is so exciting!
(CROWD CHEERING)
For the first time in over 30 years,
Graham Parker & The Rumour.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SINGING ROCK SONG)
Where are his fans? I mean, where are they?
It's hard to watch a band when you know all of them remember D-Day.
What was the press turnout like?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh. You're serious?
Nobody came. Nobody.
Nobody is here?
The guy from Green Day is here.
Yeah, Billie Joe, I emailed him. He's a fan.
You gotta get a photo of the two of them.
No, he says he doesn't want to do any press.
He's just watching the show.
Oh, how punk-rock of him. "I don't like photographs."
Grow up, Green Day!
Shut the fuck up, Tom Selleck!
It's so good you did this.
Pete, I wanted to let you know that I got offered a job at Sony Records,
and I think I'm gonna take it.
I used to work for Sony.
No, I know. They love you there.
Who did you interview with? John Cleary.
I hired John Cleary. He hired me.
What do you know?
He only had lovely things to say about you.
No, he's a dick, and he's gonna fuck you too.
Not if I do a really good job.
Really? I signed Pearl Jam.
(DANCE SONG PLAYING)
You don't have, like...
I wouldn't call them classically good dance moves,
but you left it all out there.
You're a blast to dance with.
Thank you.
We're having a little shindig at the hotel after this.
You should come by and hang out at the hotel.
You want me to come to the hotel?
Yes, I want you to come
by the hotel with me.
Well, what would we do there?
Maybe we can find somewhere quiet and have fun and kind of see where it goes.
Do it like adults do sometimes and...
Like, sex?
I mean, if you want.
If that's on the docket, but I'm not trying to force that.
So, you would do sex with me?
"Do sex"?
What are you, Borat?
Are you hitting on me?
Yes, yes, I'm hitting on you.
You're hot and cool and nice and you have beautiful eyes.
I'm sorry.
I'm married, I have two kids and I'm pregnant.
That is what we call the hat-trick. Wow.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I was just really enjoying you being so nice to me.
I hope this doesn't come off as super-cheesy,
but I think you're a very rare find.
Thank you.
And I would totally "do sex" with you.
(LAUGHS)
PETE: That was spectacular, guys.
Really well done. Amazing.
Thank you. Good, good.
Hey, Graham.
Pete. How are you, man?
Well, the first numbers came in.
Yeah, right, yeah.
Happy? How's it looking?
About half of your last record.
Ah. So, you were expecting it to sell?
They never sell anymore. They used to sell, but now they don't.
I'm not a sexy 16-year-old girl.
But I wanted to sell it. It's such a good record.
I feel like I let you down.
No, I'm gonna be fine, man. My overheads are so low.
I just got a song in Glee.
The guy in the wheelchair is gonna sing it to the Asian girl, I believe.
I don't know, I've never seen the show, but that's what I'm told.
The secret is, make sure you have a small nut.
That's the key to life.
Graham, I don't have small nuts, all right?
I have big nuts and I need to provide for them.
Graham! Hey, what's up?
Billie!
Graham, how are you doing, man?
Great fucking show, man. Good to see you.
Thank you. Fuck.
Yeah, I'm inspired.
I want to write a fucking song right now.
Inspired. Yeah.
That inspires me.
Let's go get a drink. Let's get a drink.
All right. You coming?
No, no, I'm fine. You guys go.
Congratulations on Glee.
(CHUCKLES) Oh! Yes, thank you.
All right. See you, Pete.
All right. So long, guys. Later.
GRAHAM: Yeah, yeah.
You got a song on Glee? Yeah.
That's killer, man. That's so much money.
It's great. It's good for all of us.
DEBBIE: Why did you put that guy's teeth in your mouth?
(LAUGHS)
That's so gross. (SNORTS)
(MUFFLED) I was drunk. He was dirty.
No, he was wearing a tie.
That's true. He wasn't dirty.
When I kissed him, I felt his little tiny teeth nubs with my tongue.
You did? Yeah.
It was like kissing a baby.
French-kissing a baby.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Can I ask you something stupid? Uh-huh.
Do you know why we're missing money at the store?
Are you guys missing money?
Yeah. Like, $12,000.
Do you think that I took it?
No. I mean... Well, no.
I did and I don't now.
It's not me.
Why do you live in such a nice apartment and have such a fancy car?
Yes, you're right. Um... Look...
(SIGHS)
lam an escort.
I get paid to go out on dates.
You...
Oh.
But only three to five times a year.
Ten times, max.
But it's not technically prostitution, because I don't have to sleep with them.
Oh, well, that's good.
But I always do.
That's why I only do it four to eight times a year.
Fifteen times, max.
Huh.
One year, I did it 20.
Well, as long as you think it's safe.
It's safe.
I only do it 10 to 30 times a year.
So, who do you think is stealing money?
It's fucking Jodi.
No. Yeah.
She's a pilled-out whore.
Huh.
Since you told me, I want to tell you something.
You're pregnant.
How'd you know?
Wow.
Maybe you should tell Pete.
You didn't tell Pete yet?
I haven't told Pete.
Why? I don't know why.
I just want him to want me.
I don't want him to want me because I'm pregnant.
Go home and fucking suck his dick
and tell him then, and he will love it.
You think? He'll be so excited.
Or even better yet... Better yet,
you should tell him while you're sucking his dick, like...
"I'm pregnant."
(LAUGHS)
What are you doing?
Um, returning some emails.
What time do you have to go to work?
Like, 10 minutes ago.
Do you wanna be late?
No, I can't be late, not today.
Do you see me standing here in front of you,
half-naked?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah.
And does that
make you feel anything, or...
(SIGHS) Come on. Are you trying to start a fight?
No, I'm not trying to start a fight with you.
I'm trying to fuck you.
Oh, God, you know what?
Today, of all days,
is the day you need to cut me a break, all right?
Whatever.
Oh, God.
What?
I didn't realize it was intentional.
I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to be embarrassed.
I thought I was being gallant.
All right, fine. I'm an asshole.
God.
You know what your problem is?
You're never, ever in the moment.
You're never, ever present. You're never in your body.
That's not true. lam in the moment. You know how I know?
I want to get the fuck out of the moment.
I swear, I can't win with you. I just can't do it.
You can't just walk away.
Oh, God.
Hey! How's the record company going, Pete?
What? Not great.
I'm still waiting for numbers to come in.
What have you heard?
A couple numbers have trickled in.
It's lower than we expected.
Then why are you giving Larry money?
What?
I know everything. I talked to the accountant.
You know what? I don't wanna get into some nasty fight
so can we please talk to each other
the way the therapist told us to talk to each other?
Fine. Fine.
It makes me feel sad when you are dishonest.
I understand it makes you feel bad when I am dishonest with you.
It hurts my feelings when you treat me with contempt
and corner me, and try and trick me into lying.
Okay.
It makes me sad when it's so easy to trick you into lying,
because you're such a lying shit-bag.
That's not... You can't do that, you can't do that.
The therapist said you're not allowed to judge me.
That's not a judgment, that's just a fact.
Fair enough.
Sometimes I withhold truth, that is true.
But it's only because I'm scared to death
of your crazy-assed, illogical overreactions.
Well...
It hurts me inside and triggers me
when you're such a dishonest shit,
that you're lending your father money without telling me
while your record company's going bankrupt
and we're on the verge of losing our fucking house!
(PLAYING)
What else are you lying about?
I've taken Viagra for two years.
late six muffins downstairs a while ago
and my cholesterol level is 305.
My heart could explode at any second.
These might be my very last words.
Oh, and I gave Charlotte antibiotics when you weren't looking.
That's why her ear got better. So, go fuck your witch doctor.
What are we even doing? What are we doing?
This is not making me happy. You're not happy.
You don't like me. I can feel that.
I'm not blind.
Jesus.
We're like business associates.
We're like brother and sister.
There's no passion there.
We're not like brother and sister. You know what we're like?
We're like Simon and Garfunkel
and, somehow, you turned me into Garfunkel.
I don't even know what that means.
Art Garfunkel.
What's wrong with Art Garfunkel? He has a beautiful voice.
He's got an amazing voice! He could put a harmony to anything!
But what I'm saying is that you turned me into him.
What the hell are you talking about?
Simon controls him!
That's because Simon writes the fucking songs!
He's the better one!
You know what? I see the way you look at our kids.
You have so much love and compassion for them.
You never look at me like that. Ever.
Would we even still be together
if I didn't get pregnant 14 years ago?
You know what? I'm not gonna go down that road.
Would we?
Okay.
You know what? I don't want to have a party here.
You need to cancel it.
No, I'm not.
I already paid for the catering. I've put down deposits.
And I sure as fuck am not gonna call everybody back in two days
when you change your mind.
Your girlfriend is not ugly.
SPONGEBOB: Actually, Larry, she's not my girlfriend. She's just a...
It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
Can you please stop licking your fingers?
Do you know how many germs are on your hands?
And you're putting them into your mouth.
That's gross. Stop.
Stop it!
I'm gonna kill you!
Hey! Sadie, enough, all right?
She isn't hurting anyone.
You want to say something, just keep your mouth shut.
You have never been nice to her
and now she's getting aggressive with you.
I told you this would happen.
(DOOR SLAMS)
I'm sick of everybody fighting.
What do you think you're gonna be like when you grow up?
I don't know. Um...
I don't know.
Do you think you want kids?
Mm-hmm. Just one.
Just one, why?
Because if I have two, then the other will fight with the other one.
Does it make you sad when you fight?
Mm-hmm. I don't want anyone to fight.
I love you.
Why isn't anybody talking? Why is it so quiet?
It's the Sounds of Silence.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG)
Will you stop, Dad?
How many of those are you gonna eat?
As many as I want.
I'm gonna tell Mom on you.
Try it. See what you get for Christmas.
Nothing.
Snitches wind up in ditches.
Remember that.
Hey, Peter.
Hi. Hiya.
All right. See you.
Have a good one.
Peter.
Peter!
Hi.
Catherine.
I'm Joseph's mother.
Oh, right. No, I know. Hi, Catherine.
Our kids have gone to school together for eight years.
Sorry.
Hello,Joseph.
I hear our kids have been chatting online.
Yeah? I heard that your wife has been screaming at my son.
And I don't appreciate it. Excuse me?
She screamed at my son.
Right? She threatened you. She screamed at you. She cursed at him.
He's 13 years old, for God's sake.
What the hell is the matter with her?
Okay, you better check her meds and get 'em right.
Okay, you know what? Why don't you back the fuck off?
Because that's my lovely, sweet wife you're talking about.
Oh, I need to back off? Yeah, you need to back off.
Because your kid is an animal. He's a fucking animal.
Why don't you put him on a leash?
Turn around, turn around, turn around!
If he insults my daughter again,
I'm gonna hit him with my fucking car.
Got it?
In fact, if you insult my wife again, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna show up at your house when you're sleeping
and I'll take your iPad or your iPod or your iMac
and I'll shove them up your fucking iCunt.
I got nothing to lose. Your kid is the problem.
My kid is a fucking angel. Turn around.
I don't have time for this shit.
So I'm keeping it together, but if I wasn't at school right now...
Touch my... Touch me?
I didn't touch your... You touched my upper breast.
I didn't. I didn't. I got right below your shoulder.
You got right here. You actually... He hit my nipple.
You what?
You're insane.
Why would you do that? Did you just touch my mom's nipple?
He just touched my nipple. Why would you do that to me?
I poked you on the shoulder.
I have very high nipples.
I touched your shirt.
What do you think is under my shirt?
I just... My breasts are under my shirt.
Your shoulder. Your shoulder. He just touched my breast.
Well, that's a funny place to put a shoulder, on my boob.
Hello? There are children around.
This isn't over. This is not over. You're gonna be sorry.
Let's go. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
And why the fuck would you believe Desi?
You just admitted it.
Did I?
You stole $12,000 from me, Jodi, and I need you to pay me back.
Could you at least give me a referral?
You babysat my kids while you were on OxyContin.
Oxycodone.
Well, oxycodone.
Oxycotton.
OxyContin?
Oxykitten.
What's Oxykitten?
Meow.
Jodi, you put me in danger. Me and my family.
It was a cry for help.
Help. Help.
Why don't you help me?
Just help.
(SOBS GIBBERISH)
You didn't help me.
Are you high right now?
(GROWLS) Help me.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Is that about me? Is that the cops?
Is this a set-up?
I need to go.
Okay, see you later.
(GROWLS) Fuck you, Debbie.
Fuck you.
Could you see it in your heart to lend me some money?
I would love to lend you money, but... Thank you.
I mean, there's no way I could. Why?
I just wouldn't wanna jeopardize a relationship
with somebody that I care about by giving them money.
I mean, look how far we've come
that you could come to me for advice and be able to ask me to borrow money.
Let me ask you a question. Who do you like better Simon or Garfunkel?
Garfunkel. Really? Garfunkel?
Yeah, he's got the voice of an angel.
He's got a great voice, but what about Simon? He wrote the songs.
Who cares? Everybody writes songs. How many singers are there?
Simon's a good singer, too. Art Garfunkel is a choir all in one man.
Have you ever hear Paul Simon sing Bridge Over Troubled Water
in concert by himself? It's a nightmare. It's like nails on a chalkboard.
Is there a chance I'm just wrong about everything?
Definitely. Of course. Absolutely.
Joseph was very upset when I spoke to him about this.
So I thought it was important that we
join together and work this through.
Absolutely.
We're gonna work through it,
but Debbie told my son that he looked like Tom Petty,
in a negative way.
Who's Tom Petty? You know who Tom Petty is.
And she said that if she had to come back that she was going to...
"F" up his pussy-ass, which is what she said.
Oh, my...
Are you serious?
I didn't. I would never. To a child?
Your son has been defiling my daughter's Facebook page now for months.
These people are liars.
He said that my son was an animal
and that if I didn't keep him on a leash,
that he would hit him with his car.
Did you say that?
That's ridiculous.
Who talks like that? You do.
He didn't say that. He said it to me.
No. What I said was that we need to keep an extra eye on our kids
because with all the technological advances,
they need to learn to use them responsibly.
No. What he said to me was... He called me an iCunt.
PETE: A what? Language, Catherine! Language.
CATHERINE: I'm quoting!
How am I gonna relay
what these two nutballs said to me, unless I say it?
Can you please not talk like that, Catherine?
Music Man is rehearsing next door.
Sorry, fucking Music Man.
Maybe if I looked more like this fake bullshit couple.
Looks like they're in a bank commercial.
That's what you look like.
Like you're a bullshit bank commercial couple.
None of this talk is productive.
I would like to rear up and jackknife my legs
and kick you both in the fucking jaw with my foot bone.
You're just really scaring me.
This is what happens when you corner a rat.
You corner me, I will fucking chew through you.
I'll chew through you.
Catherine, you're better than this.
Fuck you, Jill. You're a horrible fucking woman.
This is why everybody hates you, Jill.
This kind of shit. Ineffective. Fucking bullshit hair.
And I'm glad your husband died.
Because you're a fucking asshole. He probably killed himself.
Okay, Catherine, I think we know what's happening now.
Now you know what we're dealing with.
I'm not gonna eat that chicken.
Why not?
Because I feel like I'm gonna be a vegetarian.
Can you become a vegetarian tomorrow? Uh-uh.
(SOBBING) You guys have been reading my texts?
No, we haven't. Yes, we have.
We're supposed to keep an eye on you.
How did you find out?
Joseph told me that you flipped out on him and his mom.
And you guys are nuts, and I agree.
All right, you know what? Don't be disrespectful.
You're the ones who are disrespectful.
Reading my texts is like reading my diary.
And you were really sweet on your iChats.
We were really proud of you.
Yeah, we were going to give you your computer and phone back.
FUCK you!
Okay, there's the first official "fuck you."
Okay, that is not how we talk to each other in this house.
You guys talk to each other like that all the time.
And to Joseph and his mom. You made Joseph cry.
Joseph has a crush on you. You like a boy who cries.
Shut up, Charlotte.
You guys so desperately want me to be so perfect and to make no mistakes.
Well, you two are fucking insane.
Okay.
All you do is fight, or you don't fight, which is even worse
because it looks like you hate each other for weeks.
You obsess over every little thing I do,
and you don't trust in me or believe in me.
Well, I'm fucking sick of it.
Yeah, I said "fuck." Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Ground me forever, I don't care. I don't care about anything.
(SOBS)
I hate everything.
Everyone's going crazy. I don't care if I have no friends.
Are you still upset about Lost?
Of course I'm upset about Lost!
You guys took away my shit before I could watch the last two episodes.
And I don't know what the fuck happened!
She's becoming just like us.
I hope I never get my period if this is what happens.
Where did you find this?
I stole it.
Thank you.
No big deal.
Our kids are fucking crazy.
And it's our fault.
Do you think there's anything we can do to turn it around, or...
Sadie's 13. She might be a lost cause.
Where did she learn that kind of language?
We don't talk like that.
I have no fucking idea.
Do you think Sadie is this crazy because of us
or is it hormones and Lost?
J. J. Abrams.
He's ruining our daughter. Yeah.
That fucking geek.
I feel bad for us. I feel bad for us.
All of a sudden, we're like a magnet for negativity.
Why do people keep attacking us?
What did we do? We're just doing our best.
Should we talk about our fight?
I think we're under enough pressure.
Let's just let it go, this time.
Yeah.
We can give each other a break.
All right, great. Thank you.
And I'm sorry about my dad. You're right.
I'm sorry that he's just an endless mooch.
The truth is that this isn't about us.
It's about our parents.
We're not even mad at each other. We're mad at them.
Exactly. Exactly.
Let's just take away our parents' power by loving them.
Can we do that?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Thank God.
I kind of feel better already, do you?
Do you? I do.
I love you. I love you, too.
(SIGHS) It's not us, it's them.
Totally.
What are you doing? We have to get ready for the party.
I just watched the last episode of Lost.
Okay.
You know what? We don't have time for this right now.
We have a lot of people coming over.
They're all dead.
What?
Jack, Kate, Sawyer...
I don't care about the show right now. Jin, Sun...
Okay? I need you to just get in the shower, get dressed.
Let's just put it on hold. Walt, Juliet...
All those people.
Don't think about Lost today.
Tomorrow, Lost, all day. I can't wait to hear about it.
Jack? No way, really? Right now, shower.
I don't make fun of your stupid Mad Men.
First of all, I don't get worked up over Mad Men.
That's because Mad Men sucks.
What Don Draper has gone through
beats whatever Jack is running from on some fucking island.
Bunch of people smoking in an office. It's stupid.
It's about a lot more than that. And you don't have any kind
of understanding about what it was like in the '60s.
You do cry during Mad Men.
I don't cry over it. I appreciate it. Right.
You're getting me off topic.
Just, please, get dressed.
Hello. Hi.
I'm glad you're here.
I need a buffer in case it gets weird.
Oh, well, I'm ready to buff.
Grab these napkins. Let's buff. Okay.
So, that's the girl who works for you.
Yeah. That's her. Works for Debbie.
She seems nice.
My wife would never let me have a hot employee like that.
Yeah? No.
Every woman who works for us
looks like they've been in some kind of horrible accident.
I'm taking control, and now you're my slave.
Are you comfortable with that around your husband?
Oh. Pete wouldn't know what to do with that.
Do you think our wives are looking at us right now?
Oh, definitely. Yeah.
They look like pedophiles.
Thank you. The girls are so excited you're here.
They're all outside.
Hi. Hi.
Hey, how are you? How are you, man?
Good to see you.
Happy birthday, Pete.
How wonderful to see you.
Thank you, Grandma Molly.
You're wonderful.
And look at my gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
No, I get that. I'm just wondering why I should do it.
Pete, Jason's here.
Peter, hi.
Hey, how's it going, Jason?
You look well. Thank you.
How do you like what I've been doing to your girl?
How you like Debbie's "after" body?
It's nice. Come on. Show him.
Look at this. It's beautiful.
Look at that "after" ass. Now, it starts here.
But it used to start here.
And I brought it up.
You're welcome.
So, are you a trainer?
Yes. Oh.
But not just physical. Spiritual. I'm sort of a guide.
Mm-hmm. You guys should talk. I think you'll get along.
Come here, honey. I gotta tell you something.
Yeah.
Who's that in the pool? Mine.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hello. Hello, Debbie.
How are you? Good.
Remember my husband, Pete?
Oh, right. I didn't recognize you with the long hair.
Oh, yeah. I've been growing it.
Happy birthday.
Thank you so much.
Very old Scotch.
Wow. You know...
I hope it hasn't expired.
(LAUGHS)
No, Scotch doesn't expire.
It improves with age.
Yeah. No, I know. Thank you so...
That's nice. Come on in. Sure.
Sorry.
So, what do you do in Chino, Oliver?
I'm a surgeon.
Wow. What kind? That's great.
Mainly of the spine.
My specialty is scoliosis surgery.
My mom used to talk to me like I had scoliosis
because I'm a little hunchy, but that's a different thing.
Well, you definitely don't look right.
Hey! Hey!
LARRY: Sorry we're late.
I was in the lab, cloning myself.
We're gonna have another seven tomorrow.
We cut their hair differently, so we can finally tell who they are.
You like the new haircut, Travis?
I'm Jack, damn it!
Oh. Of course.
Larry, this is my father.
Really? How are you?
Oliver. Oliver?
"Can I have some more?
"Please, Oliver? I need a little more, sir."
I love that movie. You must get that all the time.
Not really. JACK: My nose itches right here.
I'm sorry, excuse me. I'm Claire and I'm Larry's wife.
Very nice to see you, but I'm gonna go get the kids.
We won't see her now for the whole day.
I'd help, honey, but you know I got the blood pressure,
and I don't want to.
Can I get you a drink, Dad?
Yeah, a little white wine.
White wine? Yeah.
Heavy stuff. Yeah.
So, who knew that Debbie had a dad?
Where have you been for 15 years?
Never seen you at Hanukah or Christmas or Ramadan, nothing.
How you get out of all that stuff? Do you have a wife?
Yeah, my wife's at home.
Why didn't she come?
Uh, construction. They're sanding our deck.
You let the woman sand the deck?
She supervises it. Yes.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Hey! Look how big the kids are!
Sadie!
Hi, Larry. Hi, Sadie.
Mom. Who's Oliver?
What do you mean?
Is he your dad?
Is he my... He's my biological father.
What does that mean?
It means that my mom, Grandma...
He and my mom had a baby, and that was me.
Oh, so you're our grandpa?
Well, why don't you ask your mother?
Yeah. I guess so.
Then that would make him your grandfather then, yes.
Do you want him to be?
Yes, then we get another grandpa.
Come on.
Well...
Another grandpa. Trampoline time.
That was deeply uncomfortable.
(SIGHS)
At least that pretty girl was here to divert our attention.
Oh, my gosh. Hi.
Me, oh, my. I did not see you there.
Hi. I saw you there.
Did you guys come together? Are you a couple?
No, we didn't come together. No, absolutely not.
I'm sorry, I thought... The moustache is a little...
Mmm. That's fair. DESI: I just assumed.
This is a straight-man moustache.
What is the difference between a gay man's moustache
and a straight man's moustache?
The smell.
Uh, excuse me.
So, spinal surgery.
It just seems to me to be at the top of the surgery chain.
(CHUCKLES) Well, we're not cardio, we're not neuro,
but I like to think we're an important part of the spectrum.
Do you operate every single day? Most days.
Multiple times a day?
Three, four times.
So, what's the price range? Like, if I wanted a...
I'd rather not say.
It's so big, you're embarrassed to say.
I wouldn't say "embarrassed."
Are there hunchbacks today? Of course.
I've never seen one.
Well, that's because there are spinal surgeons.
That's because of you.
Each time I don't see a hunchback,
you're getting that much richer.
You like The Beatles, don't you?
(CHUCKLES)
Who doesn't like The Beatles? Nobody.
No, nobody.
RONNIE: (LAUGHS) So funny. You're so funny.
What is your sun sign?
Libra. Oh, boy.
That's not good. No, sir.
That's not good. Not for me, that's not good.
Sexually, we're completely incompatible.
That's not true. Right?
That's such a shame.
Yeah, it's as bad as it gets.
You don't know. What is yours?
I'm a Cancer.
Really? Is that good?
Wow. What does it mean?
That's kind of strange. Well...
Taurus and Cancers are, sort of, soul mates of the Zodiac.
We're, like, perfectly compatible.
And I balance what you lack and you make up for what I lack.
And a quiet Cancer almost always has a huge penis.
You're making me embarrassed. Thank you.
No. Fantastic.
Oh, I wanted to make a toast.
Thank you guys for coming. Thank you so much.
Pete's turning 40.
Weird.
And we're ready to start this new phase of our lives with open hearts.
Ready to just choose joy and forgive everybody.
So, thank you all for coming.
Wait. Forgive who?
I think she just means in a general sense.
You know, just put the past behind us...
And live without resentment.
But, specifically, who are you forgiving?
I just like to know the details before I make a toast.
Right. You and my dad and, you know, others.
I see.
Well, I know you have some issues with me,
but I'm curious, what's he in for?
Before today, nobody even knew he existed.
Well, my parents divorced when I was really young
and we don't spend much time together and I'd like to work on that.
Just like we would like to work on
how you have financial issues.
She's talking about all the lending and the borrowing and...
I know what she meant.
You are a beautiful woman, but you are not totally maxed out.
I would say, honestly, you're a six.
BOTH: Oh. A six-and-a-half.
I could make you an 11. Really?
When I found Deb, she was a 7.
And now she's a 12.
I wanna be a 12.
You can't be lazy. I don't wanna be lazy.
Look at me. You cannot be lazy.
I won't be lazy.
Do you know how she got her body? How?
Bodies by Jason. Wow.
Say it. Bodies by Jason.
Say it again. Bodies by Jason.
And now just say, "Jason." Jason.
Again. Jason.
That sounds right, doesn't it?
Yeah.
What the fuck is happening right now?
When was the last time you two saw each other? I'm curious.
Actually, we had lunch together last week. Uh-huh.
And before that?
It's been about seven years.
Seven years? That's a joke, right?
That's like two Olympics.
But I'm the bad guy.
All right, Dad.
What Debbie doesn't understand is it's not bad to help out a parent.
And it's certainly not bad for a parent to help out a child.
I'm sure Oliver would agree. Well...
Are you really doing this right now?
Am I doing what? I didn't start the toast.
Are you really about to hit up my dad for money?
What? He does four operations a day.
It's perfect. It helps everybody
and it relieves his guilt from all the abandonment issues.
You can't buy forgiveness. Right, Pete?
I don't think anyone is looking for handouts. I mean, you know...
We'd pay him back.
If you two are in a bind, I'd be more than happy to help.
No. It's not good to borrow money from family members
because it causes resentment. Remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you want me to do? Okay. Admit that my life is shit?
Is that what you want me to say? You happy?
Aren't I allowed a little joy with these children I never wanted to have?
You have never once stopped asking us for money.
Family helps family.
It's true. Family helps family.
Look, I don't expect you to fully understand.
Your dad left. You're broken inside.
It's not your fault you can't feel love.
There's something that you can't...
This is coming out wrong.
You know what? I would rather have my dad than your dad.
Because he doesn't drive me crazy.
You know what's the best quality my father has?
Is he asks for nothing.
I don't know what the fuck he's thinking right now.
Look at that. Nothing. Nothing.
I don't even know him.
And I turned out perfectly fine without his input, okay?
I just figured out what your problem is.
You hate Jews.
Which is so odd because your children are Jewish.
Don't play the Jew card, Larry.
I'm not playing any Jew card. Seriously, it's used up.
You can't use up a Jew card. That's the whole point of a Jew card.
That's right. You can't use it up, it goes forever.
You know what? I have to go.
Yeah, great. What a big surprise.
Bye, Oliver. See you later. See you in another seven years.
Make sure and say goodbye to the grandkids who you met today.
You know, nothing I do is right because of you.
Nothing. No matter how hard I try, I'm just the asshole here.
But you know what? You know what I realized?
It's you. You're the asshole.
Good luck working that out.
Happy birthday, and go fuck yourself.
Hey, see you when the Cubs win the pennant.
I'm gonna go light the candles. Just get it going, okay?
Maybe we should try the toast again. You know, can you be quiet?
You just threw me under the bus.
No, I don't... You threw me under the...
You threw me under the bus.
We agreed to let go and forgive,
but then you started ripping into my dad like a crazy person.
I'm not ripping into your dad.
I'm just saying to him what you say to me.
PETE: Don't be such a ball-buster.
I am not a ball-buster. You make me one.
I am a fun girl. lam fun-loving.
I am a "Good-Time Sally." I dance hip-hop.
I cannot believe I have wasted my whole life
busting the balls of people who have no balls.
I'm the only one here who has any balls!
(ALL SINGING)
God damn it.
Mom?
Mom? What are you doing?
What?
You're smoking, and in the front yard?
No! No, they're Barb's.
Mom!
Since when have you been a smoker?
I'm not a smoker.
I thought you said smokers die.
I'm not smoking. I wasn't smoking.
I saw you.
DEBBIE: No, I wasn't.
Mom, you're smoking?
Deb, you can't smoke, you're pregnant. You've been doing so well.
You're pregnant?
No effing way. I don't want another sister.
I don't want her as a sister.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It just slipped out.
Are you pregnant? Since when are you pregnant?
Since when do you care? You don't even want another baby.
You have no idea what I want.
I want an Asian baby.
We're not gonna have an Asian baby.
CHARLOTTE: Yes, We are.
They're not Asian. Sadie.
We'll buy one. Shut up, Charlotte.
You shut up. Shut up, Sadie!
Shut up, Charlotte! Shutup!
Okay, Sadie, shut up. Shut up, Charlotte!
Shutup! Okay, stop saying "shut up"!
You're pregnant? Since when are you pregnant?
When did you find out?
Will you stop eating cupcakes, please?
Stop eating cupcakes! Stop eating cupcakes!
Hey, we just heard. You're having a baby?
See, it can happen to anybody.
That is so wonderful.
Let me give you a hug. Fantastic, congratulations.
CLAIRE: It's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.
This is too adult for you. Let's go outside.
Congratulations.
Well, I guess we're stuck together then forever then, right?
Weren't we always?
You didn't even want a baby.
Of course I do. I never said that.
I didn't want one if I could choose.
I should put that on a Hallmark card. That's beautiful.
Debbie...
Good luck with the pregnancy, Debbie.
But please, take care of yourself.
It's a much riskier pregnancy after 40.
I'm not 40. Of course you are.
You were born on December 5th, 1972.
I'm not 40. How do you know?
I was there. I'm the one who took your mother to the hospital.
Well, that's not what she said.
Your mother was in labor for only about 20 minutes.
You couldn't wait to meet me. Can you imagine that?
I don't even know you.
You can't just come into my house and reminisce.
Look, maybe we're just not meant to be in each other's lives.
I'm not sure this was such a great idea.
Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute!
You did leave and you didn't come back.
My first life was ruined. I did my best with my second.
So, I ruined your life? I was eight.
People do better when I stay out of their lives!
That's what my son tells me.
You think my life is so perfect?
I've got a 13-year-old who's a pothead.
I've got a wife who's keeping Zoloft alive.
You never said that before.
You don't think I wanna talk to you about this, to share it with you?
It's just not our way. We don't talk to each other.
We don't know each other. And I thought that's the way you wanted it.
How do I get out of this?
How do I get you all to just help me down off the cross?
You sound just like Sadie.
Who's Sadie?
No, your daughter. Your younger?
The big one.
Your older. I know, I know that. A wonderful girl.
Hey, guys, some of us need to leave.
Would this be a good moment to sneak out?
Where is Dad going?
Best birthday ever!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS) Oh, shit!
Bike lane, asshole!
Fuck you, you Twilight pimply-ass motherfuckers!
Your dad's still here.
DEBBIE: I know. It's kind of weird.
Where the hell is Pete?
Um...
Is it okay if Joseph hangs out here for a while?
Mm-hmm.
Hi, Joseph.
Hi.
Do you want a piece of cake?
Oh! Yeah, sure. Thank you.
All right, then.
They are so cute.
So cute.
He looks exactly like Tom Petty.
(HONKING)
Go around.
Watch it, watch it!
Hey, Pete! Great party!
Yeah.
The best!
And then we shake it.
(CHUCKLES) And then a restaurant comes up.
Dad, excuse me. I'm gonna go look for Pete right now.
Would you mind staying with the girls for just a little bit?
Well, if you want me to.
If you don't mind. You don't have to.
Sure.
Can I let Sadie show me the last episode of Lost?
She asked me if I'd seen it and I haven't.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Thank you. Thank you.
She said we could watch it. Come on.
I'm gonna let you watch Lost. Come on.
(GIGGLING)
Is it scary?
I'll cover your eyes if it gets too scary.
Are you mad at me? Did I say something?
Shh. Larry, please.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Are you fucking kidding me?
You opened your door on me.
I didn't open my fucking door on you. I opened my door!
Aw, fuck. I was right there!
You're supposed to look before you open your door!
I was in a fucking bike path!
That's a blind spot. There's no fucking bike path.
It's a residential section. Get your head out of your ass.
Pay attention!
Open your goddamn eyes. What are you doing, sleepwalking?
You're supposed to look to see if a biker's coming through.
You're supposed to look!
It's not my job to look out for you. You look out for yourself.
I don't look out for you. I don't see you.
I don't know where the fuck you are or what you're doing.
No one is ever looking out for me!
I need your name and your number.
Why?
Because you're gonna pay for my door.
PETE: Fuck you!
Why don't you pay for my bike and my face, you fucking prick?
(GASPS)
(G ROANS) Don't disrespect me.
LARRY: Are you sure that's him?
I don't think that's him.
(GROANS)
I gotta write down your license plate.
"Range Rover of Sunland."
What are you doing? Ow.
I guess the party didn't turn out like you planned.
It wasn't a good party.
Hi. Hi.
I'll bring you in as soon as his X-rays are finished.
Okay. Is he okay? Okay.
Yeah, he has a broken rib and he's been crying a little bit.
But he'll be fine.
You know, Pete was never a real fighter.
But that's why he married you. That's why he loves you.
Because you're the fighter.
And you need that.
One person in a relationship has got to punch.
Do you mean that in a good way?
Oh, it's a high compliment.
Thanks.
Listen, I know what you're worried about.
You think he's gonna turn into me,
but I don't think it's gonna happen.
He's smarter and probably a little cuter.
A little less Jew-y.
Although after 50, that's all gonna change.
Be prepared to wake up one day with a rabbi.
But the good news is, you know,
he'll love you forever.
That's in our DNA.
We stick around.
He worries about you, you know.
It puts a lot of pressure on him.
I know, I just don't have anyone else to talk to about it.
Why don't you talk to Claire?
If I open up to her, she'll leave me.
No, she won't.
Mmm. Larry, she loves you.
I know, but there's a certain point at which you just can't stay.
(CHUCKLES)
I guess it's hard to forgive somebody
if they don't formally apologize to you.
Are you apologizing?
I'm very close.
Yes, I'm sorry.
I'm glad everybody's okay.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, thank you.
All right, I'm off.
Okay.
This is awkward.
What?
I need $40 for a cab.
(LAUGHS) That's funny.
No, I'm not kidding.
Oh, yeah.
You drove me, honey. I wasn't prepared.
I know. I only have a hundred.
It's okay.
I'll bring you the change.
All right. Give him a kiss for me.
(STAMMERS) I don't get it.
See, it's not sad.
It's happy, because they helped each other achieve their destiny.
Great. I'm gonna have some freaky-ass nightmares.
Hi. Hi.
(SIGHS)
I really liked our life so much better
before we tried to change everything.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I don't want to keep anything from you.
I love you, you're my wife.
I just didn't want to let you down.
Are you mad that I'm pregnant?
No. I'm not mad, I'm thrilled.
You don't feel trapped?
I sometimes feel like I trapped you.
I don't feel trapped.
Really? No.
You should, because I have trapped you.
You can't go anywhere.
I'm gonna get you pregnant every 10 years for the rest of your life.
You can never leave me. Ever.
I never feel trapped by you.
I'm so happy to be with you and I love you so much.
You're my favorite person in the whole world.
God damn it, why am I crying like this?
Something is wrong with me.
You're pregnant.
Oh, yeah.
Shit.
I was just outside telling your dad that I liked him.
What if he thinks I like him now?
No, he won't think that.
I don't want him to think I like him that much.
No, it will never happen.
Can you believe it? This is the craziest thing ever.
What are we gonna do with a third baby?
I have no idea. How are we going to afford it?
We'll sell the house.
We don't have to.
We kind of do. We kind of do.
We'll make new memories in a new house.
I love you.
Is there anything you want to do for your birthday?
It's been the worst birthday ever.
There is one thing, but I don't% think you'll like it.
What?
I wouldn't mind going to see some music. Would you want to do that?
Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
I don't believe you, but you're sweet for saying that.
How do we break you out of here?
I can just leave on my own volition. It's not a mental institution.
Can you? Yes.
It's not like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Please don't put a pillow over my face.
(LAUGHING)
Let's get outta here, McMurphy.
You got it, Chief.
Will you carry me?
You've been carrying me all this time.
(GROANS)
(SINGING ALT-COUNTRY SONG)
Thanks.
I like this song.
Really?
Why?
Why don't you sign him?
Ryan Adams? No, he wouldn't sign with me.
Why not? You're the best.
He is in between labels.
Let's go try and talk to him after the show.
(VOCALIZING)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
RYAN'. Thank you.
I'm sorry if I'm not all fancy pants and wealthy
and showing it all off with my Vidal Sassoon haircuts.
Sorry.
Quit slow-blinking at me.
I'm sorry. Okay...
I would like to rear up and jackknife my legs
and kick you both in the fucking jaw with my foot bone.
(LAUGHING)
That's what I would fucking love.
I wish my fucking foot would go right through your skull.
This is what happens when you corner a rat.
I will fucking kill you.
You corner me, I will fucking chew through you.
I'll chew through you!
Slow-blinking eyes. I will chew off your fucking eyelids.
You won't slow-blink at me, will you?
Did you drink before you came here?
No, but I'm gonna start drinking.
I'm gonna slit somebody open like a fish and drink their blood.
That's what I'm gonna drink
if we don't start getting to the fucking point here.
Probably I'm gonna start with Karen Carpenter's head.
I'm gonna rip her head off and I'm gonna drink her blood.
And then I'm gonna come back and light you on fire.
I'm gonna light you all on fire.
But I'm gonna start with you, Jill.
I'm gonna fucking torch you.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go buy a fucking pickup truck.
And a cord of rope.
And I'm gonna string it around all three of your fucking necks
and then drive around town, dragging you.
That's what I'm gonna fucking do.
That's completely uncalled for.
Really, Jill? Do you think it is?
Fuck off, Jill. God, everybody fucking hates you.
God!
That isn't even nice.
Go suck a big fucking dick, Jill.
JILL: That's totally uncalled for, Catherine.
You're a fucking asshole. Everybody hates you.
They hate your fucking bob.
And I'm glad your husband died.
Because you're a fucking asshole. He probably killed himself.
I would. Kill myself.
God, I'd kill myself, Jill.
MAN: Cut! (ALL LAUGHING)