1
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,879
Allow me to introduce to you

2
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,719
the newest member of our team.

3
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,279
He's passed the one-day trial
with flying colours.

4
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,559
He sold one phone, to a mate, yeah?

5
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,679
Might have been a mate
but it was still contract.

6
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,919
Least it wasn't pay as you go.
No offence, Janine.

7
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,319
What are we doing this for, Lance?

8
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,759
This is pointless, blud.
We know who it is. It's Newman.

9
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,759
Ah-da-da-da-da!
PhoneShop Sutton's newest recruit,

10
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,799
he's got a university degree.
Yes, be scared,

11
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,799
in Sports Science and Hotel
Management, it's Christopher!

12
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,439
I can't open it.

13
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:47,999
Christopher, are you taking the piss?

14
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,519
No, the door's...
I can't open the door.

15
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,439
What do you mean,
you can't open the door?

16
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,839
It won't open.

17
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,039
We couldn't get
in the kitchen this morning.

18
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,439
I'm already four Slim-Fasts down.

19
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,399
I like you fat, baby.

20
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,159
Have you got your hand on the hinge?

21
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,199
Er, yeah.

22
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:03,879
Which one? The top one.

23
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:04,999
It's the middle one!

24
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:05,439
Don't panic!

25
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,759
Listen to me! I'm listening!

26
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,439
Right, put your knee on the door.
Was it on the hole?

27
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,559
There's only one hole,
the other one's a stain.

28
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,839
Now, kick it. Kick it.
Which foot are you doing it with?

29
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:17,919
My left foot.

30
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:18,959
It's the right one!

31
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:19,839
The right foot!

32
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,279
Did you show him the trick?

33
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,799
I've told him the bloody trick twice.

34
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,879
We've been through this
for 20 minutes.

35
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,879
From now on, this fucking door
stays open. Right, now, lift it!

36
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,079
Lift it!

37
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,199
I am lifting it.

38
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,159
Lift it! Lift it!

39
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:37,639
Lift it!

40
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,999
I am lifting it.

41
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,519
It's Christopher.

42
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,759
I couldn't... It was stuck.

43
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,799
Janine, would you?

44
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,839
Surely.

45
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:55,959
Ooh!

46
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,199
What are you playing at?

47
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:01,199
It was... It's really sticky.

48
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:05,759
Ooh!

49
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,399
Yeah?

50
00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,439
Yeah.

51
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,239
Yeah.

52
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,679
Yeah.

53
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,799
This neckwear was worn by
PhoneShop Group's

54
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,639
most successful ever salesman.

55
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:26,639
Little Gary Patel,
who's sadly been taken from us.

56
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,599
By Sutton Regional Crime Squad.

57
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,639
Look at that. What are you doing?

58
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:35,199
Taking my... Because... Oh, sorry.
I thought you were giving me...

59
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,239
No. Why would I do that?

60
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,719
I thought you wanted me
to put Gary's tie on.

61
00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:40,679
No, OK.

62
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,079
No.

63
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,599
Sorry.

64
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,599
This is a bit of heritage.
Bit of history.

65
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,439
Bit of success.

66
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,239
It's very... It's very good.

67
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,879
Yes, it is.

68
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,359
Is that blood?

69
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,319
Don't touch it!

70
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,439
I didn't touch it! You did then.

71
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,039
You definitely did then.
You definitely did then.

72
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,119
Yes, but not when he said.

73
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,159
Stop it.

74
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,159
Janine, thank you.

75
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:09,079
Ooh!

76
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,919
Is the matter with you?

77
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,279
The door wouldn't...
And then you gave me a tie.

78
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,239
Shush. Go and make a cup of tea.

79
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,159
Leave the bloody door open.

80
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,359
You ruined that for me.

81
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,959
I'd set all that up.

82
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,159
You...

83
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,399
Ruined what?

84
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,639
Was that meant to be a ting?

85
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:33,799
Apparently.

86
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,559
OK.

87
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:38,679
Hey, Newman.

88
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,359
Yeah?

89
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,239
What kind of timepiece you rocking?

90
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,279
What?

91
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,519
This ain't the time for questions,
bruv. Show man your watch, innit.

92
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,599
Oh, right.

93
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,279
Oh, my lord. It's a Timex Junior.

94
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,279
It's not a Timex Junior.

95
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,399
Stop!

96
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:50,839
Snoopy time!

97
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:51,879
Uh-oh!

98
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,079
The man's got a Snoopy watch, bruv.

99
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,199
Hello, Snoopy!
Where's Grarfield, innit?

100
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,719
No, it's not a Snoopy watch.

101
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,239
Grarfield man!
I loved that cat bruv, like,

102
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,639
"I'm just a big, fat cat. What?"

103
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:03,879
And then Snoopy would say,

104
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,079
"What's going on, Grarfield,
are you blessed?"

105
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,319
Yeah man, I'm cool, I'm blessed,
brother. You got the ting?

106
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:09,359
I got the tingaling, blud.

107
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,479
Oh, blaze that ting.

108
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:14,159
They be like two cats
just straight chilling, man.

109
00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,119
It wasn't two cats straight chilling
because Snoopy's a dog.

110
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,479
And they didn't hang out together
because that cartoon never existed.

111
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:21,999
What? Shut up, college.

112
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:25,159
PhD-ickhead. This ain't
no debatin' society, yeah?

113
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:26,759
I was on the debating team.

114
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,959
Oh, was you?
You was on the debating team? OK, OK,

115
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,519
well bruv, let me just fucking
propose this to the house,

116
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,319
that you never test man
on cartoon, yeah,

117
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,839
cos that's my thing, you know?

118
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,359
Now put your childish nostalgia
to one side,

119
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,119
concentrate on your future self,
yeah?

120
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:43,119
Focus on this,
the man you hope to be.

121
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,639
Right, tools of the trade.

122
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,999
Standard issue. EST.

123
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,959
Elite Salesman Timepiece.

124
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,839
People don't actually
wear these, do they?

125
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,199
Say something?

126
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,639
No, ah...

127
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,399
No, it's much nicer on than off.

128
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,479
As well as being
a beautiful and stylish watch,

129
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,159
it's also a conversational starter.

130
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:10,159
Oh, hello sir, welcome to PhoneShop
Sutton. How's your day today please?

131
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,199
I'll be taking the role of dickhead
in this production, yeah.

132
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,199
My day's going fine, but...

133
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:19,199
Oh, my gosh, I can't help but notice
your beautiful and stylish watch.

134
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,559
Oh, this?
Take off the watch, Newman.

135
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,839
Please, feel free to try it on.

136
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:28,359
I'd like very much to try that on.
Thank you.

137
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,359
That's very trusting of you, yeah.
It's a trust exercise, Newman.

138
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,199
Show the prospect you trust him.

139
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,959
And that he in turn can trust you.

140
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,159
And you in turn can rinse
the fuck out of this mug.

141
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,239
To be fair, I do deserve it
because I am some sort of cun...

142
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,479
So that's going to be
a 24-month contract, sir.

143
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:48,399
24-month contract, that's absolutely
fine. Please may I use your pen?

144
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,679
You can have the pen, sir.

145
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,679
Produce the pen with some elan.
Right.

146
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,439
Do you know what? 24-month contract?

147
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,999
I think I'm changing my mind.

148
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:01,519
Why?

149
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,319
Oh, my God, he's changing his mind.

150
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,319
I want to go 36 months because that's
how much I like and trust you, yeah.

151
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:11,959
Shhansh, bam. Done! OK?
He's got his phone. Got the contract.

152
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,839
Your commission's safe.
Wham. Happy Christmas.

153
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,079
Happy Hanukkah. Happy Ramadan.
Like, come out my shop, innit.

154
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,079
Bye! Thank you for the commission.
You're dead to me.

155
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,599
Come on, Lance. No.

156
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,799
Come on. No.

157
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,079
Let me cash up? No.

158
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,159
I could do shutters?

159
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,919
Shutters were stolen.

160
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,639
I could order the consumables.

161
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,999
Alcohol hand gel rub spray,
urinal deodorising blocks,

162
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,319
three-ply centre-feed
paper towel rolls,

163
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,959
four times maxi jumbo pack
economy toilet tissue.

164
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,479
Right. No.

165
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,439
I could let the cleaner in.

166
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,119
Cleaner's got his own keys.

167
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,239
Oh, he's got his own keys.

168
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,959
Janine, back in Nigeria
that man's a leading neurosurgeon.

169
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,039
Is he?

170
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,399
Nah. He's a fucking cleaner.

171
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,399
Lance,
I need you to take me seriously.

172
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,279
Who's your new assistant manager?

173
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,759
Who's your new Little Gary Patel,

174
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,759
because he's not coming back any
time soon. Not after what he's done.

175
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:21,319
It's lovely.

176
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,359
That'll be me up there
one day, Lance.

177
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,559
Listen, maybe we'll move on to garms,
hair, life styling next week.

178
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,079
There's nothing wrong with my hair.

179
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,199
We're doing sales repertoire
at the moment.

180
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,279
Blam! Organ donor card.

181
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:38,679
Organ donor card?

182
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,719
Yeah, bruv. Shows you're caring,
but more importantly, sharing.

183
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,279
Boom! Medical student ID.

184
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,719
You're training to be a doctor.

185
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,679
You just work here part-time
to fund your studies, innit?

186
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,839
Training to be a doctor?!

187
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,359
Listen, people love doctors.
Shipman, Pepper, Fox aside, yeah.

188
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,319
People trust doctors. They can do
what the fuck they like, innit.

189
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,999
Like, "Hello, I'm a doctor,
I'm going to be fingering you today."

190
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,039
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Panties on or off?

191
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,479
Just to the side is fine.

192
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,959
Oh, no, you're lying, you can't
say you're a doctor when you're not.

193
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,719
You go tell Dr Dre that.
Man will fuck you up, innit.

194
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,799
On his credibility as a doctor
of medicine? Don't think so.

195
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,039
Of course not.
But he's not a doctor.

196
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,959
How you know man ain't a doctor?

197
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,719
Have you seen papers stating
that man ain't a doctor?

198
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,519
Well, no, but...

199
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:25,439
Then if man says he's a doctor,
shut your mouth, he's a doctor.

200
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,439
If man say him a ting, then him
a ting! You get me? Man's a ting!

201
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,919
You are what you say you are.

202
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,079
Have you got these?

203
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,119
Standard, friend.

204
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:40,119
Trainee Head of...
Great Ormond Street?!
Listen, I just want to give something
back to the children, you know.

205
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:44,959
Royal Veterinary College?

206
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,959
Why do people insist
on hurting animals?

207
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,879
Third year of a five-year course.

208
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,119
Britain's first black vet. What?

209
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,239
Selling is an act, Newms. Yeah?

210
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,359
It's about convincing people
using your assumed authority

211
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,239
that you got the answers
they want to hear.

212
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,079
If you talk with conviction,
on any topic whatsoever,

213
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,719
people will believe you.
If a man say him a ting then...

214
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:08,599
Him a ting.

215
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,399
Him a ting.

216
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,559
Nah! You ain't a ting, man!

217
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,559
Just joking. Come, come.

218
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,279
Nah, you still ain't a ting!

219
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:17,719
Well, stop...

220
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:18,159
OK, Newman?

221
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,639
No, I'm not doing it.
You've done it twice already.

222
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,079
Newman!

223
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,479
No! You'll move your hand.

224
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:23,519
Come on, man.

225
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,599
Don't move it.

226
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,919
Come and see me
when you're a ting, yeah.

227
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,319
That's really... that's out...
You made me look silly. Again.

228
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,479
Don't...

229
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,079
See what he's doing there?

230
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,159
Yeah. Yes, I can.

231
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,279
No, you can't. He hasn't done it yet.

232
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,759
Little Gary Patel is about

233
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,439
to sell the world's first ever
24-month mobile phone contract.

234
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,039
Croydon branch
said it couldn't be done.

235
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,319
What did he say?

236
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,999
He said fuck off,
put a bin through their window.

237
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,999
That is an assistant manager.
Look at this.

238
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,839
Bomb scare on the High Street, he
went out, offered everyone shelter,

239
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,599
brought them in, locked the door,

240
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,199
no-one went home without
a phone they didn't want

241
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,559
or a contract they didn't understand.
Bingo.

242
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:07,879
Pah!

243
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,519
Bomb scare on this High Street?

244
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,759
Yeah, he dialled it in.

245
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,439
Said there was a dirty bomb
in the bin outside Wallis.

246
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,039
Even used a pay as you go phone.

247
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,879
Clever. Untraceable.

248
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:23,439
It's all very well saying
you want to be assistant manager,

249
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,839
but until you do a quarter
of what Little Gary was doing,

250
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,839
it's just not going to happen.

251
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,239
That was his day off.

252
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:50,199
Depression is a terrible blight
that affects people of all ages.

253
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,799
And as we all know,
laughter is the best medicine.

254
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,919
So, based on what you've told me,

255
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,439
I'm going to recommend
the Jester once-in-a-laughtime

256
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:58,799
unlimited free text package.

257
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,199
The cheapest way to send
unlimited jokes, funnies and puns.

258
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:06,199
I'll throw in a free self-harm alarm
application, so Mum's happy too.

259
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,119
Right, fill that out,
young man, yeah?

260
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:14,119
Watch out for them paper cuts, boy.

261
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,039
So if you don't get on with it,
just bring it back within 28 days

262
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,519
for a full, no quibble,
money-back guarantee.

263
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,599
Which will not affect
your statutory rights.

264
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,599
How lovely to speak to someone
who knows what he's talking about.

265
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,079
Who's that, then?

266
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,839
Come on. Have a nice day. Bye.

267
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,879
Take care.

268
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,879
Hello, how...

269
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:40,359
rude.

270
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:42,679
Hello?

271
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,079
'Sorry to spoil your day,
but your favourite'

272
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,719
dickhead store manager from Croydon
has just walked in.

273
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:48,839
Oh, not Paul Mohammed.

274
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,439
What does he want?
Is he still after that window money?

275
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,439
PhoneShop Familam,
what's popping?

276
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,799
Why ain't I feeling
the love in this house?

277
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,599
Cos you've come to the wrong
fucking house, bruv.

278
00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:03,447
Listen, I come in peace, all right?

279
00:12:03,596 --> 00:12:05,315
I beg you peace, brother.

280
00:12:05,316 --> 00:12:08,675
I come bearing good will
and gifts for all of you.

281
00:12:08,676 --> 00:12:10,395
Well, I don't bring no gifts, yeah,

282
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:14,395
but I do bring our newest sales
weapon, Rochelle Crosby Briers.
The R to the C to the B.

283
00:12:14,556 --> 00:12:17,755
That's me!
Shop look like shit, fam.

284
00:12:17,756 --> 00:12:21,155
They ain't even got shutters.

285
00:12:21,156 --> 00:12:23,115
What you lookin' at, tatty man?

286
00:12:23,116 --> 00:12:25,515
How's it going over
at Croydon, Paul?

287
00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:28,635
You still got that
drive-through storefront?

288
00:12:30,836 --> 00:12:34,195
I'll choose to ignore that
and politely remind you that you are

289
00:12:34,196 --> 00:12:37,955
talking to a store manager. Store.
Manager. I got stripes yeah fam?

290
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:41,955
I don't see you in no stripes,
apart from the two stripes on your
Sadidas tracksuit. High five!

291
00:12:46,636 --> 00:12:49,875
My five. What?

292
00:12:49,876 --> 00:12:53,075
You all know what I am.

293
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:57,075
Life on Mars here,
he knows what I am.

294
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,155
She knows what I am.
Oi, my size, what am I?

295
00:13:00,156 --> 00:13:01,635
You da store manager, baby.

296
00:13:01,636 --> 00:13:03,835
That's right, da store manager, baby.

297
00:13:03,836 --> 00:13:06,315
Yeah. Yeah, I manage that store
from the floor to the door.

298
00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:08,315
And even out the back
where we smoke a little draw.

299
00:13:08,316 --> 00:13:11,955
But I don't, so don't be tryin' to
get me written up for that business

300
00:13:11,956 --> 00:13:13,875
cos if we did do that, which we don't...

301
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,115
Yeah...

302
00:13:15,116 --> 00:13:17,955
I would be running dem tings,
rude boy, you get me?

303
00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:21,035
No long ting, no gassing,
no hyping. Makin' bare P fam.

304
00:13:21,036 --> 00:13:23,155
Bare P like Tony Montana.

305
00:13:23,156 --> 00:13:24,275
Who that, Hannah Montana?

306
00:13:24,276 --> 00:13:27,075
Don't make me go disciplinary on you!

307
00:13:27,076 --> 00:13:29,555
Because I will set in motion
a range of measures

308
00:13:29,556 --> 00:13:32,395
resulting in the
termination of your working contract,

309
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:36,395
albeit within the formalised
framework as set out in your employee
handbook, like a motherfucker.

310
00:13:36,596 --> 00:13:37,995
You get me?

311
00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:40,315
Page 12. Subsection 5a.

312
00:13:40,316 --> 00:13:44,075
You know what,
go upstairs and make some tea.

313
00:13:44,076 --> 00:13:46,275
I was 13 stone at 12.

314
00:13:46,276 --> 00:13:48,475
Milk. One sugar. Same as me.

315
00:13:48,476 --> 00:13:50,515
I've been technically dead twice.

316
00:13:50,516 --> 00:13:54,035
I spent three months
in a wheelchair after Euro '96.

317
00:13:54,036 --> 00:13:56,835
Don't ask. And was named Hands of an
English Rose

318
00:13:56,836 --> 00:14:00,315
at the Dubai Body Part Modelling Expo
three years running.

319
00:14:00,316 --> 00:14:01,435
Wow.

320
00:14:01,436 --> 00:14:02,835
These have doubled for Diana.

321
00:14:02,836 --> 00:14:03,275
Really?

322
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:06,515
Wait.

323
00:14:06,516 --> 00:14:07,555
OK.

324
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:08,435
Christopher?

325
00:14:08,436 --> 00:14:08,995
Mm-hm?

326
00:14:08,996 --> 00:14:12,995
Can I tap in to the graduate mind,
as it were?

327
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:14,275
Yeah, course.

328
00:14:14,276 --> 00:14:16,955
Say there was a job vacancy for...

329
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:18,235
I don't know...

330
00:14:18,236 --> 00:14:21,075
An assistant manager role.

331
00:14:21,076 --> 00:14:22,715
Is this about little Gary?

332
00:14:22,716 --> 00:14:26,475
And let's say the previous incumbent
had a very direct personality,

333
00:14:26,476 --> 00:14:29,075
and let's say, for argument's sake,

334
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:33,075
the best candidate for said position
has a markedly different personality.

335
00:14:33,516 --> 00:14:35,675
Right... It is, isn't it?

336
00:14:35,676 --> 00:14:38,475
How would said applicant best present
themselves

337
00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:40,955
in order to ensure successful
application?

338
00:14:40,956 --> 00:14:43,075
Discuss. No pressure.

339
00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:47,075
Um...

340
00:14:47,716 --> 00:14:51,715
If man say him a ting
then him a ting?

341
00:14:52,196 --> 00:14:53,755
What?

342
00:14:53,756 --> 00:14:57,755
It's essentially,
you are what you say you are.

343
00:15:11,716 --> 00:15:15,715
I can get one of them
to help you, you know.

344
00:15:16,956 --> 00:15:19,155
Oh, you work here!

345
00:15:19,156 --> 00:15:23,155
Sorry, I thought you was like a
customer or a cleaner or something.

346
00:15:25,196 --> 00:15:27,035
No.

347
00:15:27,036 --> 00:15:30,835
I'm a senior executive sales
director, non-contract division,

348
00:15:30,836 --> 00:15:33,235
PhoneShop Group, Sutton Sector. So...

349
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:33,955
Pay As You Go?

350
00:15:33,956 --> 00:15:35,075
Yep.

351
00:15:35,076 --> 00:15:37,675
You get to like make up
your own job title, yeah?

352
00:15:37,676 --> 00:15:41,675
I do pay for my own printing
as well, so...

353
00:15:42,116 --> 00:15:46,115
And just how many people you
got working in your division?

354
00:15:47,636 --> 00:15:51,115
We're a very streamlined operation.
It's a tight-knit team.

355
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:52,955
Just you, then?

356
00:15:52,956 --> 00:15:53,995
For now.

357
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:57,995
So,
how long you been on Pay As You Go?

358
00:16:00,396 --> 00:16:04,035
Well, it's really only been about
three and a half years so far.

359
00:16:04,036 --> 00:16:07,435
I can like,
empathise with you, yeah,

360
00:16:07,436 --> 00:16:10,635
because I did two whole mornings

361
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,075
and then they saw how good I was and

362
00:16:14,076 --> 00:16:18,075
they were like, Rochelle,
you are so, so, so good.

363
00:16:19,276 --> 00:16:22,275
It would be a waste
to have you on Pay As You Go.

364
00:16:22,276 --> 00:16:24,035
Do you know what else they said?

365
00:16:24,036 --> 00:16:25,035
No.

366
00:16:25,036 --> 00:16:28,955
They said I got too much flow,
they said I got too much flow,

367
00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:32,955
they said I had too much
flow for Pay As You Go. Oh.

368
00:16:35,716 --> 00:16:37,555
They wouldn't have
even used those words.

369
00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:41,555
What you fuckin' say?

370
00:16:42,396 --> 00:16:46,395
What would little Gary do?

371
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:50,915
Well, about seven years,
if them charges stick.

372
00:16:50,916 --> 00:16:52,515
Oh, you're brave now.
You weren't when he was putting a
bin through your fucking window.

373
00:16:52,516 --> 00:16:55,715
Windows can be replaced, Lance.

374
00:16:55,716 --> 00:16:59,515
Meanwhile, your top salesman is
shitting in a bucket and
making tea with his own piss.

375
00:16:59,516 --> 00:17:01,475
Show some respect.

376
00:17:01,476 --> 00:17:05,475
Respect? You have got some
toddler working down in this place.
You need to show some respect, Lance.

377
00:17:06,076 --> 00:17:08,075
Christopher?
He's a natural. Sell to anyone.

378
00:17:08,076 --> 00:17:10,995
What, to his mates?
See my new girl there, Rochelle?

379
00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:14,595
One grand on her first day. Face
it, Lance, PhoneShop Sutton is done.

380
00:17:14,596 --> 00:17:18,155
Give it six months this will be
a charity shop, and you know it.

381
00:17:18,156 --> 00:17:19,995
It's about the Croydon branch now.

382
00:17:19,996 --> 00:17:23,315
You should come and see us sometime,
Lance. I might even give you a job.

383
00:17:23,316 --> 00:17:24,995
What, a blow job?

384
00:17:24,996 --> 00:17:28,115
You're not very mature
for an old man, are you?

385
00:17:28,116 --> 00:17:29,995
Listen mate, that team down there

386
00:17:29,996 --> 00:17:31,955
go toe-to-toe with any one
of your staff.

387
00:17:31,956 --> 00:17:33,755
Oh, yeah,
and what about your new man?

388
00:17:33,756 --> 00:17:37,035
Graduate. What he doesn't know about
phones isn't worth knowing.

389
00:17:37,036 --> 00:17:38,075
Don't lie.Yes!

390
00:17:38,076 --> 00:17:41,795
A graduate? You should have said,
Lance, because I feel shook.
Petrified.

391
00:17:41,796 --> 00:17:42,155
Yeah?

392
00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,915
Right now, I'm breaking into
a sweat. Woo!

393
00:17:44,916 --> 00:17:48,475
Where'd you get that? You desecrated
little Gary's shrine, you shit.

394
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:50,515
I apologise. I thought it was
the bin.

395
00:17:50,516 --> 00:17:52,115
Fucking bin.

396
00:17:52,116 --> 00:17:54,555
You've gone too far.
Let's get downstairs,

397
00:17:54,556 --> 00:17:56,155
sort this out once and for all.

398
00:17:56,156 --> 00:17:57,715
What, one to one, yeah?

399
00:17:57,716 --> 00:18:00,475
Yeah, one to one.
New man versus new man.

400
00:18:00,476 --> 00:18:03,675
Yeah! Let's do it.

401
00:18:03,676 --> 00:18:07,515
Think you're bad, yeah? Name three
exclusive lockdown airtime packages,

402
00:18:07,516 --> 00:18:09,875
second quarter 2008,
which sounded like fun

403
00:18:09,876 --> 00:18:13,715
but in fact tied you into a minimum
of 36 monthly direct debit payments

404
00:18:13,716 --> 00:18:16,275
of various unspecified amounts
to fuck you up?

405
00:18:16,276 --> 00:18:19,635
Er, Crazy Sexy Cool Off Peak,

406
00:18:19,636 --> 00:18:23,115
Diamond Life Lite,
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

407
00:18:23,116 --> 00:18:25,115
Anytime.

408
00:18:25,116 --> 00:18:28,995
Who established the PhoneShop group,
when, and what was its original
name?

409
00:18:28,996 --> 00:18:30,475
Clyde Summers. 1986.

410
00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:34,475
And it was called the BackPack
Portaphone and Pager Centre.

411
00:18:34,516 --> 00:18:37,435
Oh! If you don't know, get to know.

412
00:18:37,436 --> 00:18:40,355
Here at the PhoneShop
Group we pride ourself

413
00:18:40,356 --> 00:18:42,755
on a no-quibble phone return policy.

414
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:45,715
What are the five
special exceptions to this?

415
00:18:45,716 --> 00:18:49,715
Ok, phone too hot,
phone too cold, phone too dry,

416
00:18:50,476 --> 00:18:54,195
phone too damp, or fried chicken
detritus in the mouthpiece.

417
00:18:54,196 --> 00:18:55,875
Yes! Well, done, Chris.

418
00:18:55,876 --> 00:18:57,675
That's how we roll, blud.

419
00:18:57,676 --> 00:18:57,675
PhoneShop Group were investigated by
the Office of Fair Trading in 2002
for gross mis-selling practices.

420
00:19:03,196 --> 00:19:03,835
What?

421
00:19:03,836 --> 00:19:07,835
What was the company's defence?

422
00:19:08,516 --> 00:19:12,515
It was 20.

423
00:19:14,396 --> 00:19:18,395
Pressure, pressure.

424
00:19:20,916 --> 00:19:24,915
I haven't finished!

425
00:19:29,596 --> 00:19:33,595
The 4800 was the PhoneShop Group's
biggest seller, second quarter 2005.

426
00:19:34,556 --> 00:19:37,395
What set it apart from other
handsets on the market at the time?

427
00:19:37,396 --> 00:19:40,075
That's a tough one.
Try your best, yeah.

428
00:19:40,076 --> 00:19:44,075
It didn't have the number nine
and the calendar was in Dutch.

429
00:19:45,116 --> 00:19:47,155
And?

430
00:19:47,156 --> 00:19:48,635
What do you mean "and"?

431
00:19:48,636 --> 00:19:52,635
There's another one. That ain't it.
There's more to it.

432
00:19:52,676 --> 00:19:54,915
Sorry, time's up.
The answer is...

433
00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:57,155
It couldn't be recharged!

434
00:19:57,156 --> 00:19:59,555
This is bullshit, man!

435
00:19:59,556 --> 00:20:00,835
Time out, time out!

436
00:20:00,836 --> 00:20:01,715
OK, give you your time out.

437
00:20:01,716 --> 00:20:03,635
Humour, humour. Time out, innit?

438
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,395
Yeah!

439
00:20:04,396 --> 00:20:08,395
I'd just like to say at this point
that I'm not even full-time in
PhoneShop.

440
00:20:09,076 --> 00:20:10,435
Yeah.

441
00:20:10,436 --> 00:20:14,035
I'm studying medicine at college,
blud.

442
00:20:14,036 --> 00:20:17,035
This is just a part-time thing
for me, that's how good I am.

443
00:20:17,036 --> 00:20:21,035
You live the job, it's your life,
fam. So at best, we drew.

444
00:20:24,396 --> 00:20:26,715
Sorry, studying medicine, are you?

445
00:20:26,716 --> 00:20:28,635
Yeah, what's it to you, Oxfam?

446
00:20:28,636 --> 00:20:31,315
No, nothing, I've just got a
passing interest, that's all.

447
00:20:31,316 --> 00:20:33,875
What branch in particular
are you studying?

448
00:20:33,876 --> 00:20:36,555
I'm doing all medicine.
Idiot.

449
00:20:36,556 --> 00:20:38,635
Um, geriatrics?

450
00:20:38,636 --> 00:20:41,995
Paediatrics?
Psychiatrics?

451
00:20:41,996 --> 00:20:43,435
I'm doing all the 'atrics.

452
00:20:43,436 --> 00:20:44,355
All the 'atrics, man.

453
00:20:44,356 --> 00:20:46,235
All the 'atrics.
I heard her the first time.

454
00:20:46,236 --> 00:20:46,675
What's the matter with you?!

455
00:20:46,676 --> 00:20:49,435
No, that's great. Periatrics?

456
00:20:49,436 --> 00:20:51,795
Yeah, of course, periatrics.

457
00:20:51,796 --> 00:20:53,715
Wow, that is tough.

458
00:20:53,716 --> 00:20:57,075
I told you I'm good.

459
00:20:57,076 --> 00:20:59,995
You must be.

460
00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:03,995
You're not doing
periperiatrics, are you?

461
00:21:04,316 --> 00:21:08,315
If you must know, that's what
I'm specialising in, innit.

462
00:21:08,956 --> 00:21:10,595
Wow.

463
00:21:10,596 --> 00:21:12,555
Periperiatrics.

464
00:21:12,556 --> 00:21:16,435
The study of Nandos Chicken?

465
00:21:16,436 --> 00:21:18,595
Chicken!

466
00:21:18,596 --> 00:21:21,875
What the fuck you talking about,
bruv? Shut your mouth.

467
00:21:21,876 --> 00:21:24,515
She's gonna be a doctor.
Respect the doctor!

468
00:21:24,516 --> 00:21:28,155
No, good, no.
I respect real doctors.

469
00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:32,155
Although, not as much as I respect

470
00:21:33,196 --> 00:21:37,195
Britain's first Asian vet.

471
00:21:39,996 --> 00:21:41,715
Is this what it's come to?

472
00:21:41,716 --> 00:21:45,715
We have to lie to people,
to customers,
in order to make a cheap sale?

473
00:21:46,956 --> 00:21:49,555
Is that who we are?

474
00:21:49,556 --> 00:21:51,835
We have to pretend to
be someone we're not

475
00:21:51,836 --> 00:21:54,275
in order to gain someone's trust?

476
00:21:54,276 --> 00:21:56,515
It's not an honest day's work.

477
00:21:56,516 --> 00:21:57,995
Come on, man.

478
00:21:57,996 --> 00:21:59,875
Mobile phones

479
00:21:59,876 --> 00:22:02,355
are an instrument of communication.

480
00:22:02,356 --> 00:22:06,355
And communication
is a fundamental human right.

481
00:22:06,396 --> 00:22:08,955
It's a tool of democracy.

482
00:22:08,956 --> 00:22:12,955
Life-changing news is given
over mobile phones.

483
00:22:14,316 --> 00:22:18,315
The birth
of a beautiful little baby,

484
00:22:19,316 --> 00:22:23,315
the engagement and subsequent
marriage of a loving couple,

485
00:22:23,396 --> 00:22:27,155
be them straight, or gay.

486
00:22:27,156 --> 00:22:31,155
Even the appalling death
of a second cousin.

487
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:33,795
And yet,

488
00:22:33,796 --> 00:22:35,835
it's not always good news.

489
00:22:35,836 --> 00:22:38,995
But it is news, nonetheless.

490
00:22:38,996 --> 00:22:42,955
News now tainted.

491
00:22:42,956 --> 00:22:46,955
Tainted by your filthy little lies.

492
00:22:47,836 --> 00:22:51,835
Now, if I choose not to partake
in your dubious and devious

493
00:22:53,876 --> 00:22:57,875
selling practices, and as such am
forced to relinquish my role here

494
00:22:57,916 --> 00:22:59,715
at PhoneShop,

495
00:22:59,716 --> 00:23:03,435
well, so be it, because at least
I can walk out of that door

496
00:23:03,436 --> 00:23:07,435
with my conscience intact,
and my head held high.

497
00:23:09,516 --> 00:23:13,515
Please guys, we have to change.

498
00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:20,395
I look around this room and I'm
seeing a lot of faces that are
saying,

499
00:23:20,396 --> 00:23:24,395
"But Christopher, we can't change."

500
00:23:24,476 --> 00:23:26,755
Well, I've got three words for you.

501
00:23:26,756 --> 00:23:30,755
Yes. We. Could.

502
00:23:32,596 --> 00:23:34,515
Wow. Wow.

503
00:23:34,516 --> 00:23:38,515
Well done, Chris.

504
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:41,475
And that is why,
when you've finished law school...

505
00:23:41,476 --> 00:23:43,955
Uh... no, you shouldn't be here.

506
00:23:43,956 --> 00:23:44,755
You're going to be the finest...

507
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,715
No. Don't say the words.

508
00:23:46,716 --> 00:23:48,115
Human rights lawyer...

509
00:23:48,116 --> 00:23:48,395
Please! Oh, Jesus.

510
00:23:48,396 --> 00:23:50,875
This country has ever seen!
Bravo, Christopher!

511
00:23:50,876 --> 00:23:52,675
And bravo to you.

512
00:23:52,676 --> 00:23:55,595
Silly moo. I walked out wearing this!

513
00:23:55,596 --> 00:23:57,075
Oh, you silly cow! The watch!
Don't...

514
00:23:57,076 --> 00:23:57,915
Go on.

515
00:23:57,916 --> 00:24:00,675
The joke we had earlier.

516
00:24:00,676 --> 00:24:02,435
So...

517
00:24:02,436 --> 00:24:06,435
Oh...

518
00:24:07,836 --> 00:24:11,835
What you playing at, Christopher?

519
00:24:12,716 --> 00:24:16,635
If man say him a ting,

520
00:24:16,636 --> 00:24:20,435
then him a ting.

521
00:24:20,436 --> 00:24:22,715
And now I'm a ting.

522
00:24:22,716 --> 00:24:26,715
Because of what just happened.

523
00:24:28,356 --> 00:24:31,195
So, that was good, wasn't it?

524
00:24:31,196 --> 00:24:35,195
That was fun.
And now I've got this back.

525
00:24:36,076 --> 00:24:37,435
Which wasn't mine.

526
00:24:37,436 --> 00:24:39,395
And now I think...

527
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:43,195
good. No, well done.
Carry on, and I'll...

528
00:24:43,196 --> 00:24:46,755
The bins...
I need to do the bins. So...

529
00:24:46,756 --> 00:24:50,755
Cheerio.

530
00:25:10,236 --> 00:25:13,035
Let Christopher sweat for ten
minutes then we'll go for a drink.

531
00:25:13,036 --> 00:25:13,555
Safe.

532
00:25:13,556 --> 00:25:15,355
Oh, sorry.

533
00:25:15,356 --> 00:25:18,875
I thought this was a charity shop.

534
00:25:18,876 --> 00:25:21,595
Guess I'll come back in six months.

535
00:25:21,596 --> 00:25:24,035
What, and get yourself a new outfit?

536
00:25:24,036 --> 00:25:27,075
This joke ain't for flipping.

537
00:25:27,076 --> 00:25:31,075
Ah, Pay As You Go,
your credit's done, innit?

538
00:25:31,516 --> 00:25:35,515
Outside.

539
00:25:45,796 --> 00:25:48,515
Say something.

540
00:25:48,516 --> 00:25:52,515
What.

541
00:25:53,156 --> 00:25:55,435
Shit me!

542
00:25:55,460 --> 00:26:00,760
<font color="#3333FF">Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells</font>