[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ GLASS THUMPS LIGHTLY ]
>> [ SNIFFLES ] NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[ VEHICLE DOORS CLOSE ]
WHY?
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
ALL RIGHT.
AW, NO.
CHRIS!
>> Chris: QUINTY!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> I'LL BE DAMNED.
>> Chris: LADIES, THIS IS QUINT.
HE'S MY OLD PAL AND MY MENTOR.
HE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW
ABOUT BEING A MARSHAL.
>> COME ON IN, FOLKS.
>> Chris: YEAH.
HEY, WHY IS THE FLOOR SO WET?
>> WHAT?
OH. UH, NOT CAUSE I BEEN CRYIN'
ALL THE TIME.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AW, DAMN IT.
>> Chris: LOOK, LADIES, QUINT
AND I HAVE A LITTLE, UH,
CATCHING UP TO DO, OKAY?
HUH? GOOD.
OFF YOU GO. THAT'S IT.
THERE YOU GO. VERY GOOD.
AH.
>> ♪ YOUR OTHER MAN...
>> SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT THIS
WAY?
>> Chris: I'M ON THE LAM, QUINT.
I GOT FRAMED FOR MY FRIEND
BRETT'S MURDER.
AND WHEN I CAME UP WITH THE
EVIDENCE THAT WOULD PROVE MY
INNOCENCE, THE MARSHALS TRIED TO
HAVE ME KILLED.
I THINK THERE'S A CONSPIRACY
THAT GOES ALL THE WAY UP TO THE
TOP.
>> A "CONSPIRA-CRY," EH?
YOU KNOW, CHRIS, I DON'T THINK I
EVER TOLD YOU WHY I LEFT THE
MARSHALS.
>> Chris: WELL, I JUST ASSUMED
IT WAS 'CAUSE YOU GOT CAUGHT
TAKING PICTURES OF THE FEMALE
MARSHALS USING THE RESTROOMS.
>> THAT IS TRUE, BUT THERE'S
ANOTHER REASON.
COME WITH ME, CHRIS.
>> Chris: [ SIGHS ]
OKAY, WHAT'S IN HERE?
>> OH, JUST SOMETHING THAT --
>> Chris: OH, HEY!
QUINT, I TRUSTED YOU!
AAH!
[ MOTORS WHIRRING ]
HUH? OH!
[ PROGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
UGH. WHAT IS THIS CRAP?
MY
PROGRESSIVE ROCK CONCEPT ALBUM.
IT'S WHAT I'VE SPENT THE LAST
30 YEARS WORKING ON.
>> Chris: YOU LEFT THE MARSHALS
TO DO A PROG ROCK ALBUM?
>> YES, SIR.
FORMED A BAND CALLED
"DreamPrism."
I PLAYED SYNTH...
...IA, OUR LEAD GUITARIST,
LIKE A FIDDLE --
THAT IS, WHEN I WASN'T
DRUMMING...
UP SUPPORT FOR MY MIND-MELTING
BASS LICKS.
SWEET, HUH?
>> Chris: OH, YEAH. NO, IT'S --
PARADISE RISING.
IT'S OUR TRIPLE-LENGTH
DEBUT/SWAN SONG.
THE LYRICS ARE FILLED WITH COOL
PORCUPINE IMAGERY.
JUST WAIT TILL WE GET TO THE
END OF SIDE SIX.
>> Chris: OHH.
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ PROGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> OOH, CHECK IT OUT --
FOUR SOLOS AT ONCE, THE WORLD'S
FIRST QUATRO SOLO.
>> Chris: YOU KNOW, QUINT, I'M
REALLY LOVING LISTENING TO YOUR
TERRIBLE MUSIC, BUT I NEED YOUR
HELP.
I THINK BRETT MIGHT STILL BE
ALIVE.
I THINK THE MARSHALS MIGHT HAVE
HIM.
>> TRIP OUT ON THIS.
[ VOLUME INCREASES ]
>> Chris: UGH. [ SIGHS ]
>> LISTEN UP AND LISTEN GOOD.
THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THE MARSHALS.
FIRST OFF, THE U.S. MARSHAL
SERVICE WAS ACTUALLY FOUNDED IN
1789.
>> Chris: I KNOW THAT.
WE LEARNED THAT IN THE ACADEMY.
>> LET ME FINISH.
1789 THOUSAND B.C.
IT WAS STARTED BY A SECRET CABAL
KNOWN AS THE ANCIENTS.
>> Chris: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
>> LISTEN, THEIR MISSION WAS
ONEFOLD -- TO SCOUR THE EARTH IN
SEARCH OF THE FIVE CHOSEN ONES
THAT WERE FORETOLD IN THE
PROPHECY.
THE ANCIENTS NEEDED THEM TO
COMPLETE "THE PROJECT."
MAYBE YOUR FRIEND BRETT WAS ONE
OF THE CHOSEN ONES.
>> Chris: OKAY, WELL, NONE OF
THAT HELPS ME AND WAS A TOTAL
WASTE OF MY TIME, SO THANK YOU,
OLD MAN.
[ SIGHS ]
>> CHRIS.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
IF YOUR BOY'S STILL ALIVE, HE'S
HEADED FOR KARTUUK, ANCIENT CITY
WHERE THE MARSHAL SERVICE
STARTED.
NO ONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE IT
IS, BUT YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU
SEE IT.
HEAD SOUTH AND DON'T STOP.
>> Chris: THANK YOU.
>> IT'S A LONG TRIP.
HERE'S A COPY OF
PARADISE RISING.
GET READY FOR SOME SICK LICKS.
>> Chris: OKAY, CAN'T WAIT.
>> CHRIS, PROMISE ME YOU'LL
LISTEN TO THE TAPE.
>> Chris: OOH, OKAY.
I PROMISE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'LL SEE YA LATER, QUINTY.
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
>> SEE? THAT WASN'T SO HARD.
>> I JUST SENT MY PROTéGé TO
CERTAIN DEATH.
>> AND IN RETURN, I WILL PASS ON
YOUR DEMO ON TO MY COUSIN AT
TopTune RECORDS, AS PROMISED.
>> REALLY?
>> I'M A MAN OF MY WORD.
AND NOW I'M AFRAID YOU'VE
OUTLIVED YOUR USEFULNESS, AND
I'VE OUT-USED YOUR LIVE-FULNESS.
>> HUH?
[ GRUNTS ]
[ THUDS ]
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
DUMB BASTARD.
20 FINGERS?
WHAT THE HELL?
BUT I JUST KILLED YOU.
>> NO, SUGALSKI.
MY
DUMB BASTARD CLONE.
[ GUN COCKS ]
>> YOU HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
>> SEE, WHEN I QUIT THE MARSHALS
TO DEVOTE MY LIFE TO PROGRESSIVE
ROCK, I SOON ENCOUNTERED WHAT'S
KNOWN AS "PROG ROCKER'S
DILEMMA."
THE MUSIC I COMPOSED WAS TOO
DENSE AND COMPLEX FOR ANY
REGULAR HUMAN BEING TO PLAY.
NO ONE HAD THE CHOPS,
NOT EVEN CYNTHIA.
SO I DID SOME CHOPPIN' OF MY
OWN -- DNA CHOPPIN' AND SLICIN'
AND A-DICIN' AND A SPLICIN'.
I BUILT A LAB IN MY BASEMENT,
CLONED MUTANT VERSIONS OF
MYSELF, AND FORMED THE WORLD'S
FIRST GENETICALLY ENGINEERED
PROG ROCK SUPERGROUP.
FIRST CAME GRINT.
HIS 20 FINGERS MADE HIM IDEALLY
SUITED TO PLAY COMPLEX GUITAR
CHORDS.
THEN I MADE A LEAD SINGER, ZINT,
WHOSE GIRAFFE-LIKE NECK GAVE HIM
A 12-OCTAVE VOCAL RANGE, JUST
LIKE A GIRAFFE.
NEXT CAME DINT, THE DRUMMER
THAT'S NOTHING BUT ARMS,
JINT, WHOSE DIM, EGO-LESS BRAIN
MADE HIM WILLING TO PLAY BASS,
AND VARIOUS SESSION MUTANTS.
>> ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.
>> I HAD A HUNCH YOU WERE GONNA
DOUBLE-CROSS ME.
THAT'S WHY I HAD GRINT PRETEND
TO BE ME.
>> I DIDN'T DOUBLE-CROSS YOU,
QUINT.
I SAID I WOULD GET YOUR DEMO TO
THE RECORD LABEL.
I NEVER SAID I WOULDN'T KILL
YOU.
>> SO YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE THEM
THE TAPE?
THANKS, BROTHER.
[ GUNSHOT ]
[ THUDS ]
[ PROGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> Susie: THIS MUSIC STINKS.
>> Chris: WELL, SOUNDWISE, YES,
BUT IT'S NEEDLESSLY
COMPLICATED -- I'LL GIVE IT THAT
MUCH.
>> Susie: SOUNDS LIKE A CIRCLE
JERK TO ME.
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]
[ SIGHS ]
>> Chris: WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Susie: WHERE ARE WE?
>> Chris: "KillSpace:
A UNIQUE DYING CONCEPT."
[ GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE ]
>> Susie: ARE YOU SURE WE WANT
TO GO IN THERE?
>> Chris: WELL, THIS WHERE QUINT
TOLD ME TO GO.
JUST BE COOL, OKAY?
>> HI. WHAT'S THE NAME?
>> Chris: COULD YOU SEE IF
THERE'S A "MONSANTO"?
>> LET'S SEE.
MONSANTO, PARTY OF TWO PLUS
ONE DESK.
>> Chris: OH, GREAT.
>> LET ME EXPLAIN OUR CONCEPT A
LITTLE BIT.
KillSpace OFFERS A FRESH, MODERN
TAKE ON VIOLENT DEATH.
WE USE ALL LOCAL HARMERS --
>> Susie: CHRIS, WE DON'T WANT
TO DIE!
>> Chris: Shh!
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US.
[ HORN HONKS ]
>> EXCUSE ME.
WE'VE BEEN WAITING TO DIE FOR
LIKE 45 MINUTES.
>> I'M SORRY. JUST A SECOND.
WE'RE A LITTLE BACKED UP.
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
>> HAVE YOU DECIDED?
>> Chris: YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE JUST GONNA LET YOU
SURPRISE US.
>> DONE.
>> Chris: OKAY, GREAT.
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ DOOR OPENS ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
BAND MEETING.
UGH. FIRST, SOME BAD NEWS --
I SENT CHRIS OFF TO KillSpace.
>> WHAT?
>> BUT HE WAS YOUR FRIEND!
>> WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
>> I KNOW. I KNOW.
I SOLD HIM OUT.
BUT, IN RETURN, A BIG-TIME
RECORD EXECUTIVE IS GOING TO
PARADISE RISING.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> THAT'S GREAT.
>> [ SQUEAKS ]
>> HAVE YOU TOLD GRINT?
>> BAD NEWS PART TWO --
GRINT IS DEAD.
>> WHAT?!
>> YEAH. I FIGURED THE GUY I
MADE THE DEAL WITH WAS GONNA
KILL ME, SO I HAD GRINT STAND
IN.
>> AND GRINT WAS COOL WITH THAT?
>> UM...
HE INSISTED.
>> THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
GRINT.
>> TO GRINT!
UH, GUYS, RECORD EXEC,
DEMO TAPE?
[ GUNFIRE, SCREAMING IN
DISTANCE ]
>> Chris: TRISH?
AND SHE'S GONE.
[ HORN HONKS ]
>> Susie: CHRIS, WE'RE GONNA DIE
IN THERE.
WE NEED TO TURN AROUND.
>> COME ON!
[ MOTOR WHIRRS ]
OH, YEAH! HERE WE GO!
OH!
>> Chris: AH, FINALLY.
[ MOTOR WHIRRS ]
>> SO YOU HAD GRINT KILLED AND
SENT CHRIS TO HIS DEATH, ON A
PROMISE MADE TO YOU BY A MAN WHO
YOU CORRECTLY GUESSED WOULD TURN
AROUND AND SHOOT YOU AS SOON AS
YOU HELPED HIM?
>> WHAT ARE YOU -- AN IDIOT?
>> NOW, FELLAS, I KNOW IT SOUNDS
LIKE NOT A GREAT PLAN, BUT I
THINK CHRIS IS GONNA BE OKAY.
>> ♪ ALAS, YOU'VE PASSED
THROUGH THE FIENDISH GATE ♪
♪ HEED MY WORDS, LEST YOU SEAL
YOUR FATE ♪
>> Susie: UGH, CAN I AT LEAST
NOT DIE LISTENING TO THIS AWFUL
MUSIC?
>> ♪ BEWARE
THE PORCUPINE OF DOOM ♪
♪ SWERVE LEFT NOW,
LEST YOU FILL YOUR TOMB ♪
>> Susie: AAH! LOOK OUT!
>> Chris: LEFT!
OH MY GOD! THE LYRICS!
>> Susie: YEAH, THEY'RE
TERRIBLE.
>> Chris: NO, IT'S QUINT -- HE'S
TELLING US HOW TO SURVIVE
KillSpace!
>> ♪ THE LAVA MAN
WILL TEAR YOU APART ♪
>> Susie: LAVA MAN!
>> ♪ LEST YOU STOP HIS FLAMING
HEART... ♪
>> Chris: HEART!
>> ♪ ...WHICH IS LOCATED IN HIS
KNEE ♪
>> Chris: KNEE!
>> UGH! MY HEART!
>> Susie: [ BREATHES SHARPLY ]
>> OHH, I'M FADING.
[ MOTOR WHIRRS ]
COME ON OUT.
I GOT SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW
YOU -- JUST CAME IN --
THE FINAL ARTWORK FOR
PARADISE RISING.
>> WHAT THE HELL?!
"THE QUINT CUSSLER EXPERIENCE"?
WE'RE CALLED DreamPrism.
>> HUH? OH, RIGHT.
I FIGURED, SINCE YOU'RE ALL
TECHNICALLY ME, IT'S A SOLO
PROJECT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
IT WAS GRINT'S IDEA?
>> [ Pitch rises ] NOOOOOOOOO!
>> HYAH!
>> AAH!
MARSHMALLOW! MARSHMALLOW!
>> ♪ THE FISHERMAN'S GHOST TAKES
A FINAL BOW ♪
>> Susie: I HATE THIS.
>> ♪ BUT BEWARE HIS FLYING
BEES ♪
>> Chris: BEES!
>> ♪ DUCK NOW
♪ NOW
>> Chris: OH, THANK YOU, QUINT.
[ Echoing ] THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, CHRIS.
>> [ GROWLS ]
>> Susie: I'M SORRY.
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LISTEN
TO THIS GARBAGE!
[ SIGHS ]
>> ♪ AND THE WENCH DESTROYED
THE TAPE ♪
♪ BUT THE OTHER TAPE WAS ALREADY
ON ITS WAY TO THE RECORD
EXECUTIVE, I SAY ♪
♪ DID THE FUGITIVES SURVIVE?
♪ DID THEY LEAVE THE KillSpace
ALIVE? ♪
♪ THAT'S A STORY FOR ANOTHER
DAY ♪
>> THIS IS JUST WHAT I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR.
THIS THING IS REALLY GONNA
SIZZLE AND POP.
TAKE IT UP TO THE TOP FLOOR,
RIGHT AWAY!
[ CLATTERING ]
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]