1
00:00:08,313 --> 00:00:11,438
LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND
ME TONIGHT, OLD BUDDY.

2
00:00:11,521 --> 00:00:17,271
[ CHUCKLES ]
TABLE FOR TWO.

3
00:00:17,354 --> 00:00:27,604
[ SNIFFS ]
AHH!

4
00:00:27,688 --> 00:00:28,313
[ MID-TEMPO RAGTIME MUSIC
PLAYS ]

5
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,396
WHAT?

6
00:00:31,479 --> 00:00:42,563
WHERE'S -- WHERE'S THAT MUSIC
COMING FROM?

7
00:00:42,646 --> 00:00:50,938
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
NEWSPAPERS HERE. NEWSPAPERS.

8
00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:52,646
HOTSY-TOTSY.

9
00:00:52,729 --> 00:00:56,646
I THINK I'M IN PARADISE.

10
00:00:56,729 --> 00:00:59,646
ALL ABOARD THE "A" TRAIN!

11
00:00:59,729 --> 00:01:04,396
I'M GOING HOME.

12
00:01:04,479 --> 00:01:05,438
YES, YOU ARE, FRIEND.

13
00:01:05,521 --> 00:01:08,354
YES, YOU ARE.

14
00:01:14,313 --> 00:01:18,479
[ ALARM CLOCK BEEPING ]
Chris: [ GROANS ]

15
00:01:18,563 --> 00:01:20,313
Susie: CHRIS!

16
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:21,229
YOU'RE STILL HERE?

17
00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:23,563
CHIEF SAID NO MORE SLEEPING AT
CRIME SCENES.

18
00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:25,729
YOU NEED TO PACK UP YOUR STUFF
AND LEAVE.

19
00:01:25,813 --> 00:01:28,688
Chris: OH, SUSIE, YOU KNOW
PERFECTLY WELL THAT THIS IS HOW

20
00:01:28,771 --> 00:01:29,854
I SOLVE CASES.

21
00:01:29,938 --> 00:01:32,646
I SLEEP HERE UNTIL THE SOLUTION
COMES TO ME IN A DREAM, WHICH

22
00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:33,854
TAKES ABOUT THREE OR FOUR WEEKS.

23
00:01:33,938 --> 00:01:36,979
Susie: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE
LOCKED OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT.

24
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,729
JUST PAY YOUR LANDLADY THE RENT
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

25
00:01:38,813 --> 00:01:41,313
Chris: OH, JUST PAY THE RENT?

26
00:01:41,396 --> 00:01:42,188
THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD DO?

27
00:01:42,271 --> 00:01:44,729
[ SCOFFS ]
WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW A

28
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,021
COUPLE OF THINGS.

29
00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:48,104
FOR STARTERS, MY LANDLADY
REFUSES TO PROVIDE ME WITH AN

30
00:01:48,188 --> 00:01:50,188
IN-HOME TANNING MACHINE, WHICH
IS HOW I DO MY COOKING.

31
00:01:50,271 --> 00:01:53,646
AND UNTIL THESE AMENITIES --
Susie: LEAVE!

32
00:01:53,729 --> 00:01:54,604
Chris: ALL RIGHT, SUSIE.

33
00:01:54,688 --> 00:01:56,688
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED?

34
00:01:56,771 --> 00:01:59,188
TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE.

35
00:01:59,271 --> 00:02:03,146
[ SLURPS ]
SO, CHIEF, I THINK I'M GONNA

36
00:02:03,229 --> 00:02:04,271
HANG IN THE OFFICE FOR A LITTLE
WHILE.

37
00:02:04,354 --> 00:02:06,396
WHY DON'T YOU, UM, HAVE YOUR
ASSISTANT SEND UP SOME FRESH

38
00:02:06,479 --> 00:02:09,604
AND
THE CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER?

39
00:02:09,688 --> 00:02:10,563
THAT'S ALL.

40
00:02:10,646 --> 00:02:13,438
Chief: THE ANSWER IS
ABSOLUTELY NO, MONSANTO.

41
00:02:13,521 --> 00:02:14,563
THIS ISN'T A HOTEL, DAMN IT.

42
00:02:14,646 --> 00:02:15,271
NOW PAY ATTENTION.

43
00:02:15,354 --> 00:02:16,521
WE'VE GOT A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS.

44
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,896
WE'VE GOT A NUMBER OF REPORTS OF
ELDERLY PEOPLE GOING MISSING.

45
00:02:18,979 --> 00:02:21,396
WE THINK THEY'RE BEING
KIDNAPPED.

46
00:02:21,479 --> 00:02:24,229
Chris: CHIEF, YOU KNOW, MY,
UH, DANCE CARD'S KIND OF FULL

47
00:02:24,313 --> 00:02:25,479
THESE DAYS.

48
00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,563
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR
EAGER-BEAVER INTERNS HANDLE THIS

49
00:02:27,646 --> 00:02:28,271
ONE, HUH?

50
00:02:28,354 --> 00:02:29,729
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
Chief: NO.

51
00:02:29,813 --> 00:02:31,229
I WANT YOU TO INVESTIGATE.

52
00:02:31,313 --> 00:02:35,063
YOU CAN START BY CHECKING OUT
THE SENIOR LIVING CENTER.

53
00:02:35,146 --> 00:02:37,229
YOU'VE GOT TO GO UNDERCOVER,
MONSANTO.

54
00:02:37,313 --> 00:02:38,771
DEEP UNDERCOVER.

55
00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:44,604
CHRIS...

56
00:02:44,688 --> 00:02:47,771
WE'RE GONNA USE ALL THE
TECHNOLOGY AT OUR DISPOSAL TO

57
00:02:47,854 --> 00:02:49,854
TRANSFORM YOU INTO AN OLD MAN.

58
00:02:49,938 --> 00:02:53,646
NOW, THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA
DO IS SURGICALLY DAMAGE YOUR

59
00:02:53,729 --> 00:02:54,979
BLADDER.

60
00:02:55,063 --> 00:02:57,771
NOW, IF IT'S SUCCESSFUL, YOU
SHOULD FEEL THE NEED TO URINATE

61
00:02:57,854 --> 00:02:58,938
ABOUT EVERY 30 MINUTES.

62
00:02:59,021 --> 00:03:01,479
THEN WE'LL CUT OFF YOUR OXYGEN
SUPPLY TO INDUCE A LOW-LEVEL

63
00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:02,479
DEMENTIA.

64
00:03:02,563 --> 00:03:05,979
Chris: [ GAGGING ]
NEXT, WE'LL HOLLOW OUT ALL

65
00:03:06,063 --> 00:03:09,104
YOUR BONES SO THAT THEY'RE NICE
AND BRITTLE.

66
00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:11,771
[ SAW WHIRRING ]
AND FINALLY, WE'LL GIVE YOU A

67
00:03:11,854 --> 00:03:14,438
WHITE WIG, LIKE AN OLD MAN.

68
00:03:14,521 --> 00:03:24,604
THAT WILL BE THE FINAL TOUCH TO
COMPLETE THE TRANSFORMATION.

69
00:03:24,688 --> 00:03:27,563
HEY, YOU'RE THE NEW GUY?

70
00:03:27,646 --> 00:03:29,271
Chris: YEAH, I GUESS SO.

71
00:03:29,354 --> 00:03:32,146
THIS LOOKS JUST LIKE MY ROOM,
EXCEPT I HAVE A KITCHENETTE.

72
00:03:32,229 --> 00:03:33,646
Chris: A KITCHENETTE?

73
00:03:33,729 --> 00:03:36,813
YEAH, EVELYN LOVED TO COOK.

74
00:03:36,896 --> 00:03:38,146
MY WIFE.

75
00:03:38,229 --> 00:03:39,229
SHE PASSED AWAY.

76
00:03:39,313 --> 00:03:40,646
Chris: WAIT A SECOND.

77
00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:43,771
SO EVELYN DIES, AND YOU GOT TO
KEEP THE KITCHENETTE?

78
00:03:43,854 --> 00:03:45,646
YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE OKAY.

79
00:03:45,729 --> 00:03:46,188
MY NAME IS BUD.

80
00:03:46,271 --> 00:03:48,479
Chris: I'M CHR--
CRISP.

81
00:03:48,563 --> 00:03:49,271
CRISP?

82
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,354
Chris: MM-HMM.

83
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:51,688
I TELL YOU WHAT, CRISP.

84
00:03:51,771 --> 00:03:53,771
ME AND THE GUYS ARE HITTING THE
TOWN FOR A LITTLE LUNCH.

85
00:03:53,854 --> 00:03:54,896
UH, YOU CARE TO JOIN US?

86
00:03:54,979 --> 00:03:56,854
Chris: ARE YOU BUYING?

87
00:03:56,938 --> 00:03:58,729
NO...

88
00:03:58,813 --> 00:04:00,563
[ Singsong voice ] BUT THE
GOVERNMENT IS.

89
00:04:00,646 --> 00:04:01,813
Chris: OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO, BUD?

90
00:04:01,896 --> 00:04:06,313
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
OKAY. LET'S GO.

91
00:04:06,396 --> 00:04:09,813
ONLY THEN DO YOU TAKE THE
TOOTHPICK OUT OF THE SANDWICH.

92
00:04:09,896 --> 00:04:12,396
I MEAN, IT HOLDS THE CLUB
SANDWICH TOGETHER.

93
00:04:12,479 --> 00:04:16,771
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM

94
00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:20,438
MY KIDS IN YEARS.

95
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,396
Chris: THANK YOU. MMM.

96
00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:25,104
AND NOW FOR A LITTLE DESSERT.

97
00:04:25,188 --> 00:04:26,313
Chris: YEAH.

98
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:27,854
I'D LIKE TO GET ME A PIECE OF
THAT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

99
00:04:27,938 --> 00:04:30,521
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA!

100
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,188
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!

101
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,146
WANT TO JUST GET IN THERE AND
MMM!

102
00:04:34,229 --> 00:04:37,188
[ LAUGHS ]
JUST LIKE GO AT IT, YOU KNOW?

103
00:04:37,271 --> 00:04:39,229
TAKE A LITTLE OF THAT AND PUT
IT ON A CRACKER AND JUST GO

104
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:42,854
[CHOMPING LOUDLY]
GET RIGHT IN THERE, YOU KNOW

105
00:04:42,938 --> 00:04:43,521
WHAT I MEAN?

106
00:04:43,604 --> 00:04:47,521
AND JUST [GROWLS]
[ LAUGHS ]

107
00:04:47,604 --> 00:04:50,313
I GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM HAVING
THE TIME OF MY LIFE WITH YOU

108
00:04:50,396 --> 00:04:51,063
GUYS.

109
00:04:51,146 --> 00:04:51,813
[ MID-TEMPO RAGTIME MUSIC
PLAYS ]

110
00:04:51,896 --> 00:04:53,396
SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH!

111
00:04:53,479 --> 00:04:53,854
LISTEN.

112
00:04:53,938 --> 00:04:55,104
YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?

113
00:04:55,188 --> 00:04:55,813
Chris: OH, YEAH.

114
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,188
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

115
00:04:57,271 --> 00:04:58,729
THAT'S THE NEW KEVIN EUBANKS
ALBUM.

116
00:04:58,813 --> 00:04:59,521
ITS VERY HOT.

117
00:04:59,604 --> 00:05:00,479
COME ON!

118
00:05:00,563 --> 00:05:08,229
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHERE
ITS COMING FROM.

119
00:05:08,313 --> 00:05:08,979
HEY.

120
00:05:09,063 --> 00:05:19,063
THE MUSIC'S COMING FROM DOWN
THERE.

121
00:05:19,146 --> 00:05:24,188
THE MUSIC'S COMING FROM DOWN
THERE.

122
00:05:24,271 --> 00:05:32,271
[ BEEPING ]
Chris: WHERE ARE WE?

123
00:05:32,354 --> 00:05:34,354
[ ALL BLEATING ]
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

124
00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:50,146
HELLO. I'M MICKEY ROONEY.

125
00:05:50,229 --> 00:05:52,354
MICKEY ROONEY, NOT MICKEY MOUSE.

126
00:05:52,438 --> 00:05:55,229
[ LAUGHS ]
OH...

127
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,771
SOONER OR LATER, I KNOW THAT
YOU'RE ALL GONNA ASK YOURSELVES,

128
00:05:58,854 --> 00:06:03,438
"WHERE IN THE HECK AM I?"
YOU'RE IN STUDIO, A HOLLYWOOD

129
00:06:03,521 --> 00:06:04,729
STUDIO.

130
00:06:04,813 --> 00:06:05,646
WHAT A THRILL.

131
00:06:05,729 --> 00:06:08,563
YOU KNOW, YOU -- YOU CAN BE A
STAR YOURSELF.

132
00:06:08,646 --> 00:06:10,104
"WITH WHAT?" YOU SAY?

133
00:06:10,188 --> 00:06:11,771
WITH YOUR WATTLE.

134
00:06:11,854 --> 00:06:13,271
[ GAGGING ]
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

135
00:06:13,354 --> 00:06:21,813
[ GAGGING CONTINUES ]
IT'LL MAKE ANY SOUND YOU WANT.

136
00:06:21,896 --> 00:06:27,021
[ ROARS ]
[ GRUNTING ]

137
00:06:27,104 --> 00:06:34,146
[ CROAKS ]
[ GRUNTING ]

138
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,813
YOU KNOW, MAKING SOUNDS CAN
BE EXPENSIVE.

139
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:43,313
FOLKS LIKE YOU AND ME AND OUR
WATTLE CAN SAVE COMPANIES

140
00:06:43,396 --> 00:06:44,563
MILLIONS!

141
00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:46,063
RIGHT HERE.

142
00:06:46,146 --> 00:06:47,396
THANK YOU.

143
00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:51,563
YOU CAN ALL SIT DOWN NOW, AND
WE'LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOMS.

144
00:06:51,646 --> 00:06:54,646
SLEEP TIGHT.

145
00:06:54,729 --> 00:06:55,396
I DON'T LIKE THIS, CRISP.

146
00:06:55,479 --> 00:06:58,271
WE GOT TO FIND A WAY OUT OF
HERE.

147
00:06:58,354 --> 00:06:58,688
FOLLOW ME.

148
00:06:58,771 --> 00:06:59,688
Chris: YEAH.

149
00:06:59,771 --> 00:07:00,813
OKAY, BUD. UM, LISTEN.

150
00:07:00,896 --> 00:07:02,771
I'M JUST GONNA GO TAKE A NAP IN
MY COMPLIMENTARY ROOM.

151
00:07:02,854 --> 00:07:06,521
IF YOU'RE NOT BACK BY 5:00, I'LL
ASSUME I CAN EAT YOUR DINNER,

152
00:07:06,604 --> 00:07:08,188
RIGHT?

153
00:07:08,271 --> 00:07:09,438
[ ALL CLUCKING ]
EVELYN?

154
00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:38,021
EVELYN.

155
00:07:38,104 --> 00:07:40,063
YOU'RE NOT DEAD!

156
00:07:40,146 --> 00:07:43,729
BOOM, BOOM, MEOW.

157
00:07:43,813 --> 00:07:45,313
IT'S BUD.

158
00:07:45,396 --> 00:07:47,104
SAY, "IT'S BUD."

159
00:07:47,188 --> 00:07:51,646
ARF, ARF, CRACKLE.

160
00:07:51,729 --> 00:07:55,021
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?

161
00:07:55,104 --> 00:07:58,896
Chris: ACCEPTABLE. NOT BAD.

162
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:02,146
AH! NICE, VERY NICE. OKAY.

163
00:08:02,229 --> 00:08:06,438
[ DOOR OPENS ]
LOOK WHO IT IS.

164
00:08:06,521 --> 00:08:09,813
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA BE
"BATHROOM BUDDIES."

165
00:08:09,896 --> 00:08:11,188
Chris: NO. NO, NO.

166
00:08:11,271 --> 00:08:13,354
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

167
00:08:13,438 --> 00:08:16,229
CRISP MONSANTO DOES NOT SHARE
TOILETS.

168
00:08:16,313 --> 00:08:17,063
NO.

169
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,396
ITS TIME TO CHECK OUT OF THIS
DUMP...

170
00:08:19,479 --> 00:08:21,479
AND CHECK INTO HOTEL VENGEANCE.

171
00:08:21,563 --> 00:08:28,771
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHS ]

172
00:08:28,854 --> 00:08:31,146
[ ALL IMITATING ANIMALS ]
EVERYBODY WANTED ME TO

173
00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:44,104
DO IT, THE CONDUCTOR MOST OF
ALL.

174
00:08:44,188 --> 00:08:46,771
IT'S ME. SAY, "IT'S BUDDY."

175
00:08:46,854 --> 00:08:48,188
RIBBIT.

176
00:08:48,271 --> 00:08:52,271
I FELT LIKE HE WAS UP
THERE, WAITING FOR ME TO TAKE

177
00:08:52,354 --> 00:08:54,313
THE PAIN AWAY.

178
00:08:54,396 --> 00:08:55,563
[ GRUNTING ]
Chris: BUD!

179
00:09:10,938 --> 00:09:13,021
BUD!

180
00:09:13,104 --> 00:09:13,646
OH!

181
00:09:13,729 --> 00:09:14,354
BUD, BUD!

182
00:09:14,438 --> 00:09:15,979
OH, HANG IN THERE, PAL.

183
00:09:16,063 --> 00:09:17,104
HANG IN THERE.

184
00:09:17,188 --> 00:09:21,146
WE SURE GAVE THEM A HELL OF A
RUN, DIDN'T WE, KIDDO?

185
00:09:21,229 --> 00:09:22,354
Chris: YEAH.

186
00:09:22,438 --> 00:09:23,313
YEAH, WE DID BUD. WE DID.

187
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:30,813
SEE YOU ON THE TOP FLOOR,
CRISP.

188
00:09:30,896 --> 00:09:32,146
Chris: OKAY, UGH.

189
00:09:32,229 --> 00:09:34,479
I DON'T NEED THIS ON ME RIGHT
NOW.

190
00:09:34,563 --> 00:09:35,688
ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.

191
00:09:35,771 --> 00:09:37,646
IT'S ALL OVER. YOU'RE ALL FREE.

192
00:09:37,729 --> 00:09:39,229
YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.

193
00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:39,938
OKAY?

194
00:09:40,021 --> 00:09:42,146
MOVE IT ON OUT. THAT'S IT.

195
00:09:42,229 --> 00:09:45,188
COME ON. OFF YOU GO.

196
00:09:45,271 --> 00:09:46,521
SKOO.

197
00:09:46,604 --> 00:09:50,563
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
SHOOT. SHOOT.

198
00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:54,188
AAH. EXPLOSION.

199
00:09:54,271 --> 00:09:55,688
GET HIM! SHOOT!

200
00:09:55,771 --> 00:09:56,688
THIS SUCKS.

201
00:09:56,771 --> 00:09:59,021
WAR! OW!

202
00:09:59,104 --> 00:10:02,896
SHOOT. SHOOT.

203
00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:05,188
Chris: YOU WANTED TO SEE ME,
CHIEF?

204
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,521
Chief: GREAT JOB ON THE CASE,
MONSANTO.

205
00:10:07,604 --> 00:10:08,646
GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.

206
00:10:08,729 --> 00:10:12,021
IT'S A GRUESOME MURDER-SUICIDE
IN A TWO-BEDROOM DUPLEX ON

207
00:10:12,104 --> 00:10:13,438
ORCHARD STREET.

208
00:10:13,521 --> 00:10:19,188
BLOOD AND BRAIN MATTER ALL OVER
THE CALIFORNIA-KING-SIZE BED.

209
00:10:19,271 --> 00:10:20,396
Chris: SOUTHERN EXPOSURE?

210
00:10:20,479 --> 00:10:25,188
Chief: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

211
00:10:25,271 --> 00:10:25,813
YOU EARNED IT.

212
00:10:25,896 --> 00:10:26,479
Chris: YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

213
00:10:26,563 --> 00:10:29,063
YOU'RE RIGHT. I DID EARN IT.

214
00:10:29,146 --> 00:10:30,729
]