LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME TONIGHT, OLD BUDDY.
[ CHUCKLES ] TABLE FOR TWO.
[ SNIFFS ] AHH!
[ MID-TEMPO RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHAT?
WHERE'S -- WHERE'S THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ] NEWSPAPERS HERE. NEWSPAPERS.
HOTSY-TOTSY.
I THINK I'M IN PARADISE.
ALL ABOARD THE "A" TRAIN!
I'M GOING HOME.
YES, YOU ARE, FRIEND.
YES, YOU ARE.
[ ALARM CLOCK BEEPING ] Chris: [ GROANS ]
Susie: CHRIS!
YOU'RE STILL HERE?
CHIEF SAID NO MORE SLEEPING AT CRIME SCENES.
YOU NEED TO PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE.
Chris: OH, SUSIE, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT THIS IS HOW
I SOLVE CASES.
I SLEEP HERE UNTIL THE SOLUTION COMES TO ME IN A DREAM, WHICH
TAKES ABOUT THREE OR FOUR WEEKS.
Susie: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE LOCKED OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT.
JUST PAY YOUR LANDLADY THE RENT AND GET OUT OF HERE.
Chris: OH, JUST PAY THE RENT?
THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD DO?
[ SCOFFS ] WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW A
COUPLE OF THINGS.
FOR STARTERS, MY LANDLADY REFUSES TO PROVIDE ME WITH AN
IN-HOME TANNING MACHINE, WHICH IS HOW I DO MY COOKING.
AND UNTIL THESE AMENITIES -- Susie: LEAVE!
Chris: ALL RIGHT, SUSIE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED?
TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE.
[ SLURPS ] SO, CHIEF, I THINK I'M GONNA
HANG IN THE OFFICE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
WHY DON'T YOU, UM, HAVE YOUR ASSISTANT SEND UP SOME FRESH
AND THE CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER?
THAT'S ALL.
Chief: THE ANSWER IS ABSOLUTELY NO, MONSANTO.
THIS ISN'T A HOTEL, DAMN IT.
NOW PAY ATTENTION.
WE'VE GOT A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS.
WE'VE GOT A NUMBER OF REPORTS OF ELDERLY PEOPLE GOING MISSING.
WE THINK THEY'RE BEING KIDNAPPED.
Chris: CHIEF, YOU KNOW, MY, UH, DANCE CARD'S KIND OF FULL
THESE DAYS.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR EAGER-BEAVER INTERNS HANDLE THIS
ONE, HUH?
[ CLICKS TONGUE ] Chief: NO.
I WANT YOU TO INVESTIGATE.
YOU CAN START BY CHECKING OUT THE SENIOR LIVING CENTER.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO UNDERCOVER, MONSANTO.
DEEP UNDERCOVER.
CHRIS...
WE'RE GONNA USE ALL THE TECHNOLOGY AT OUR DISPOSAL TO
TRANSFORM YOU INTO AN OLD MAN.
NOW, THE FIRST THING WE'RE GONNA DO IS SURGICALLY DAMAGE YOUR
BLADDER.
NOW, IF IT'S SUCCESSFUL, YOU SHOULD FEEL THE NEED TO URINATE
ABOUT EVERY 30 MINUTES.
THEN WE'LL CUT OFF YOUR OXYGEN SUPPLY TO INDUCE A LOW-LEVEL
DEMENTIA.
Chris: [ GAGGING ] NEXT, WE'LL HOLLOW OUT ALL
YOUR BONES SO THAT THEY'RE NICE AND BRITTLE.
[ SAW WHIRRING ] AND FINALLY, WE'LL GIVE YOU A
WHITE WIG, LIKE AN OLD MAN.
THAT WILL BE THE FINAL TOUCH TO COMPLETE THE TRANSFORMATION.
HEY, YOU'RE THE NEW GUY?
Chris: YEAH, I GUESS SO.
THIS LOOKS JUST LIKE MY ROOM, EXCEPT I HAVE A KITCHENETTE.
Chris: A KITCHENETTE?
YEAH, EVELYN LOVED TO COOK.
MY WIFE.
SHE PASSED AWAY.
Chris: WAIT A SECOND.
SO EVELYN DIES, AND YOU GOT TO KEEP THE KITCHENETTE?
YEAH. [ LAUGHS ] YOU'RE OKAY.
MY NAME IS BUD.
Chris: I'M CHR-- CRISP.
CRISP?
Chris: MM-HMM.
I TELL YOU WHAT, CRISP.
ME AND THE GUYS ARE HITTING THE TOWN FOR A LITTLE LUNCH.
UH, YOU CARE TO JOIN US?
Chris: ARE YOU BUYING?
NO...
[ Singsong voice ] BUT THE GOVERNMENT IS.
Chris: OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO, BUD?
[ BOTH LAUGH ] OKAY. LET'S GO.
ONLY THEN DO YOU TAKE THE TOOTHPICK OUT OF THE SANDWICH.
I MEAN, IT HOLDS THE CLUB SANDWICH TOGETHER.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM
MY KIDS IN YEARS.
Chris: THANK YOU. MMM.
AND NOW FOR A LITTLE DESSERT.
Chris: YEAH.
I'D LIKE TO GET ME A PIECE OF THAT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA!
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!
WANT TO JUST GET IN THERE AND MMM!
[ LAUGHS ] JUST LIKE GO AT IT, YOU KNOW?
TAKE A LITTLE OF THAT AND PUT IT ON A CRACKER AND JUST GO
[CHOMPING LOUDLY] GET RIGHT IN THERE, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
AND JUST [GROWLS] [ LAUGHS ]
I GOT TO TELL YOU, I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE WITH YOU
GUYS.
[ MID-TEMPO RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS ]
SHH! SHH! SHH! SHH!
LISTEN.
YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?
Chris: OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT'S THE NEW KEVIN EUBANKS ALBUM.
ITS VERY HOT.
COME ON!
WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHERE ITS COMING FROM.
HEY.
THE MUSIC'S COMING FROM DOWN THERE.
[ BEEPING ] Chris: WHERE ARE WE?
[ ALL BLEATING ] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
HELLO. I'M MICKEY ROONEY.
MICKEY ROONEY, NOT MICKEY MOUSE.
[ LAUGHS ] OH...
SOONER OR LATER, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALL GONNA ASK YOURSELVES,
"WHERE IN THE HECK AM I?" YOU'RE IN STUDIO, A HOLLYWOOD
STUDIO.
WHAT A THRILL.
YOU KNOW, YOU -- YOU CAN BE A STAR YOURSELF.
"WITH WHAT?" YOU SAY?
WITH YOUR WATTLE.
[ GAGGING ] IT'S RIGHT HERE.
[ GAGGING CONTINUES ] IT'LL MAKE ANY SOUND YOU WANT.
[ ROARS ] [ GRUNTING ]
[ CROAKS ] [ GRUNTING ]
YOU KNOW, MAKING SOUNDS CAN BE EXPENSIVE.
FOLKS LIKE YOU AND ME AND OUR WATTLE CAN SAVE COMPANIES
MILLIONS!
RIGHT HERE.
THANK YOU.
YOU CAN ALL SIT DOWN NOW, AND WE'LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOMS.
SLEEP TIGHT.
I DON'T LIKE THIS, CRISP.
WE GOT TO FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE.
FOLLOW ME.
Chris: YEAH.
OKAY, BUD. UM, LISTEN.
I'M JUST GONNA GO TAKE A NAP IN MY COMPLIMENTARY ROOM.
IF YOU'RE NOT BACK BY 5:00, I'LL ASSUME I CAN EAT YOUR DINNER,
RIGHT?
[ ALL CLUCKING ] EVELYN?
EVELYN.
YOU'RE NOT DEAD!
BOOM, BOOM, MEOW.
IT'S BUD.
SAY, "IT'S BUD."
ARF, ARF, CRACKLE.
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
Chris: ACCEPTABLE. NOT BAD.
AH! NICE, VERY NICE. OKAY.
[ DOOR OPENS ] LOOK WHO IT IS.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA BE "BATHROOM BUDDIES."
Chris: NO. NO, NO.
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
CRISP MONSANTO DOES NOT SHARE TOILETS.
NO.
ITS TIME TO CHECK OUT OF THIS DUMP...
AND CHECK INTO HOTEL VENGEANCE.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ LAUGHS ]
[ ALL IMITATING ANIMALS ] EVERYBODY WANTED ME TO
DO IT, THE CONDUCTOR MOST OF ALL.
IT'S ME. SAY, "IT'S BUDDY."
RIBBIT.
I FELT LIKE HE WAS UP THERE, WAITING FOR ME TO TAKE
THE PAIN AWAY.
[ GRUNTING ] Chris: BUD!
BUD!
OH!
BUD, BUD!
OH, HANG IN THERE, PAL.
HANG IN THERE.
WE SURE GAVE THEM A HELL OF A RUN, DIDN'T WE, KIDDO?
Chris: YEAH.
YEAH, WE DID BUD. WE DID.
SEE YOU ON THE TOP FLOOR, CRISP.
Chris: OKAY, UGH.
I DON'T NEED THIS ON ME RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
IT'S ALL OVER. YOU'RE ALL FREE.
YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.
OKAY?
MOVE IT ON OUT. THAT'S IT.
COME ON. OFF YOU GO.
SKOO.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ] SHOOT. SHOOT.
AAH. EXPLOSION.
GET HIM! SHOOT!
THIS SUCKS.
WAR! OW!
SHOOT. SHOOT.
Chris: YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, CHIEF?
Chief: GREAT JOB ON THE CASE, MONSANTO.
GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
IT'S A GRUESOME MURDER-SUICIDE IN A TWO-BEDROOM DUPLEX ON
ORCHARD STREET.
BLOOD AND BRAIN MATTER ALL OVER THE CALIFORNIA-KING-SIZE BED.
Chris: SOUTHERN EXPOSURE?
Chief: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.
YOU EARNED IT.
Chris: YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE RIGHT. I DID EARN IT.
]