Susie: LOOK AT ALL THIS STOLEN ART, CHRIS.
IT MUST BE WORTH MILLIONS.
Chris: OH, SUSIE, PLEASE.
DON'T BE SO NAIVE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ARTWORK IS LIKE FEMALE BODYBUILDERS --
SPLENDIDLY BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT FULL OF DRUGS ON
THE INSIDE.
WATCH THIS.
[ CANVAS RIPPING ] I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON
WITH SHERICE.
SHE WAS A FEMALE BODYBUILDER I DATED/SLASHED.
WELL, IT'S MARSHAL CHRIS MONSANTO AND HIS
LACKEY FRIENDS.
Chris: LACKEY CO-WORKERS, IF YOU PLEASE, DOOLAN.
WE SELDOM SOCIALIZE OUTSIDE OF WORK.
I USUALLY COLLECT MASTERPIECES, MONSANTO.
BUT TONIGHT, I'M GONNA PAINT ONE...WITH YOUR BLOOD!
[ GUNSHOTS ] Brett: CHRIS, I'M OUT OF
BULLETS!
Chris: YEAH, SO AM I.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA.
HERE. LIE FLAT, BRETT.
LIE FLAT.
Shh, shh, shh, shh!
HEY, FELLAS...
BATTER UP!
[ THUMPING ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ] Chief: INSPIRED WORK,
MONSANTO.
YOU TOOK DOWN MOST OF DOOLAN'S GANG.
Chris: WELL, THANK YOU, CHIEF, BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT MY TWO PARTNERS...
SWIFTY AND PETE.
[ LAUGHTER ] Brett: WHAT ABOUT ME, HUH?
[ CHUCKLES ] I DID, UH, PRETTY GOOD TOO,
RIGHT?
I WAS THE BAT.
Chief: YOU'RE RIGHT, BRETT.
YOU WERE INDISPENSABLE OUT THERE...
AND YOU TOO, GUN.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT YOU,
PENCIL.
GREAT JOB FILLING OUT THAT REPORT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU SEE, BRETT, CONGRATULATING
YOU WOULD BE A WASTE OF BREATH, BREATH WE COULD BE USING TO
LAUGH AT YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] Chris: CHEER UP, PAL.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADN'T BEEN AROUND TO BE MY HUMAN BAT, I
WOULD HAVE HAD TO USE SOMEBODY ELSE -- ANYBODY ELSE, ACTUALLY.
Brett: I'M NOT JUST A PROP.
WHAT ABOUT THE TIME I SAVED THOSE KIDS?
[ SCREAMING AND CRYING ] [ CRUNCHING ]
OH SHIT!
Brett: SO IT WASN'T MY IDEA TO CRUSH MY SKULL?
[ SIGHS ] I GUESS WE'RE THE SAME -- YOU
AND ME.
PEOPLE USE US, WAVE US AROUND, AND TOSS US ASIDE, AND THERE'S
ALWAYS ANOTHER LINED UP.
DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE JERKS, BRETT.
IF I WERE YOU, I'D QUIT.
Brett: QUIT?
BUT WHAT WOULD I DO?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN WITH THE MARSHALS' OFFICE.
CHRIS IS MY FRIEND, RIGHT?
I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.
WHY DON'T YOU JOIN DOOLAN'S GANG?
THAT WOULD SHOW 'EM.
YE-A-A-AH.
WELCOME ABOARD, GENTLEMEN.
I HOPE YOU LIKE COMMITTING CRIME, MY FRIENDS.
[ DOOR OPENS ] LOOKY WHAT I FOUND --
MONSANTO'S HUMAN BAT.
Brett: HEY, FELLAS.
TIE HIM UP AND TOSS HIM IN THE INCINERATOR.
I HOPE YOU LIKE BEING HOT, MY FRIEND.
Brett: I DO, BUT, UH, I'M NOT A MARSHAL ANYMORE.
I QUIT THE FORCE, AND I'M HERE TO JOIN YOUR GANG.
SO, DO I GOT TO FILL SOMETHING OUT OR -- I BROUGHT THREE FORMS
OF I.D.
IF YOU'RE NOT WITH THE MARSHAL, THEN PROVE IT.
TRY THIS.
[ CRUNCHING ] [ LAUGHING ]
WELCOME ABOARD.
[ LAUGHTER ] Brett: IT IS FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ] [ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
Chris: HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN BRETT'S MOUTH?
I NEED HIS TEETH.
WHEN I GOT THIS, I THOUGHT IT WAS A TWIST-OFF.
Susie: HE QUIT LAST NIGHT.
Chief: CHRIS, SUSIE, I WANT YOU TO MEET BRETT'S REPLACEMENT,
BRADY GILES.
Chris: AH, HOW YOU DOIN', HANDSOME?
THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?
RELAX. I'M JUST CLAWING WITH YA.
I LIKE TO GIVE PEOPLE THE BUSINESS -- THE LOBSTER
BUSINESS -- ON ACCOUNT OF MY FUCKING CLAWS.
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
[ CLATTERS ] Chris: WOW!
[ CHUCKLES ] GEEZ, WE GET BRETT'S
REPLACEMENT, AND AS A BONUS, HE'S A FREAK, TOO.
Chief: BRADY, I WANT YOU TO MEET YOUR OTHER PARTNER, SUSIE.
OOH, YEAH, WOULD I LIKE TO PINCH THOSE FUN BAGS -- SNAP,
SNAP, SNAP.
Susie: IF YOU TOUCH ME, I WILL SNAP, SNAP, SNAP YOUR HEAD
OFF.
MM, YUM, YUM.
DADDY LIKEY.
SNAP, SNAP.
[ LAUGHTER ] EVERYBODY KEEP STILL AND
QUIET -- THAT WAY, NOBODY GETS HURT.
I'M GOING TO THE VAULT, WHERE THEY KEEP THE MONEY.
MR. HORSE, MAKE SURE NO ONE TRIPS THE ALARM.
Brett: UH, FYI, GUYS, WE'RE ALL GONNA BE USING CODE NAMES
BASED ON ANIMALS.
SO DON'T SHOUT AN ANIMAL, OR WE MIGHT GET CONFUSED, LIKE IF YOU
SAY "DOG," I MIGHT THINK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MR. DOG, MY GOOD
FRIEND RIGHT OVER HERE, CARLOS RUIZ.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
Brett: OH, NOTHING, MR. DOG -- UH, SORRY --
CARLOS RUIZ.
[ SIREN WAILS ] IT'S THE POLICE.
LET'S GET AWAY!
[ DOOR RATTLES ] WHY IS THIS DOOR LOCKED?
Brett: OH, I LOCKED IT TO KEEP THE COPS OUT.
YOU BLOODY FOOL!
CHECK THE OTHER EXIT!
[ THUDS ] Chris: I'M JAMMED.
OKAY, I GOT AN IDEA.
UM, LIE DOWN.
COME ON. HEY, LIE DOWN.
NO! HANDS OFF ME, QUEERBONES!
Chris: THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
I DON'T CRAWL THAT WAY!
Chris: COME ON, YOU'RE MY NEW BAT!
LAY OFF ME, SISSY!
Chris: STAY STILL!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Chris: GREAT.
NICE JOB, CRAB BOY.
DOOLAN JUST GOT AWAY.
FUCK YOU, EDWARD FINGERHANDS.
Chris: GOD, YOU SUCK.
Brett: HEY, GUYS, JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY OLD SPAGHETTI,
NEXT TIME WE ROB A BANK, WE SHOULD TAKE THE MONEY WITH US
BEFORE WE LEAVE.
CAN I WASTE HIM?
NOT YET.
[ CRUNCHING ] WE CAN STILL USE HIM FOR
SOMETHING.
BRETT, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
MARSHALS' OFFICE.
WHAT KIND OF FIREPOWER DO THEY HAVE?
WHAT ARE THEIR INTELLIGENCE CAPABILITIES?
Brett: HMM, LET ME SEE.
THE MARSHALS' OFFICE.
UH, OH.
THE TOILET CLOGS IF YOU FLUSH TOO MANY MAGAZINES.
I SEE.
MY GOD, I SEE.
YOU REALLY ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING.
WELL...
NOTHING.
[ CRUNCHING ] Chief: YOU REALLY LET US
DOWN, MONSANTO.
DOOLAN GOT AWAY.
IT WAS AN UTTER FAILURE.
Chris: YOU KNOW, CHIEF, I THINK YOU'D BE SINGING A
DIFFERENT TUNE IF OLD "CLAWS KINSKI" OVER HERE HAD
LET ME USE HIM AS A HUMAN BAT.
Chief: OVER THE LINE, CHRIS.
THE MAN IS DEFORMED.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S JUST A LITTLE STEAMED BECAUSE I'M THE FIRST GUY WHO
WOULDN'T LIE DOWN AND GET STIFF FOR HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ] Susie: AN ALARM JUST WENT OFF
AT FIRST NATIONAL BANK.
IT'S TIME WE FINISH THIS.
IT'S A HOLDUP!
GET DOWN!
HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU!
GET DOWN!
HANDS ON YOUR HEADS!
SIT DOWN, ALL OF YOU!
HERE.
[ DOOR OPENS ] Susie: FREEZE!
NO!
Brett: HEY, HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?
Chris: BRETT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, BRETT?
Brett: OH, HI, CHRIS.
I JOINED DOOLAN'S GANG.
BAT NOW.
HEY, KID, I KNOW THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD TIME TO SAY THIS,
BUT, UH, I THINK YOU'RE A GOOD COP.
Susie: THANKS.
Chris: BRETT, COME ON, NOW.
YOU -- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, BRETT.
Brett: BUT IT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR.
Chris: DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU'RE -- YOU'RE A MINDLESS SACK OF DOORKNOBS WHOSE ONLY TALENT
IS -- IS TAKING COMMANDS FROM SOMEBODY ELSE, BUT, BRETT,
THAT'S A WONDERFUL ATTRIBUTE TO HAVE, PAL.
Brett: REALLY?
Chris: NOW GO LIMP, BRETT.
COME ON. GO LIMP FOR ME.
THE WAY YOU LOOK, UH, MAKES ME WANT TO -- WANT TO --
WANT TO DO THIS.
Susie: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
COME ON!
YOU'VE BEEN FLIRTING ME UP EVER SINCE I STARTED THIS GIG!
Susie: UGH!
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU CREEP!
COME ON!
Chris: GO LIMP. GO LIMP.
Brett: YOU'RE RIGHT, CHRIS.
I'M GONNA DO IT FOR YOU, BUDDY!
I'M GOING LIMP!
OI, WHAT YOU DOING?
STRAIGHTEN UP!
STOP IT!
Brett: [ GRUNTS ] [ GUN COCKS ]
[ WHISTLES ] LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE A
LITTLE HELP.
Brett: PENCIL!
All: LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE A LITTLE MORE HELP!
Brett: PEN-N-N-C-I-I-I-IL!
THANKS, PENCIL!
"YOU'RE WELCOME, BRETT."
Chris: OKAY.
[ Chuckling ] THAT'S ENOUGH, BRETT.
THAT'S FINE.
[ GUN COCKS ] Susie: CHRIS, BEHIND YOU!
[ THUDS ] I WAS A GOOD GUY.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OH SHIT