- DEAR SATAN, MY DARK MASTER, LORD OF ALL THAT THAT IS UNHOLY,
I OFFER YOU THE SOUL OF THIS PITIFUL DELIVERY MAN.
IN RETURN, PLEASE SEE TO IT THAT THE PERMIT FOR MY NEW DECK GOES
THROUGH WITHOUT ANY HOLDUPS FROM THE ZONING COMMISSION.
AND NOW LET ME SIGN OUR CONTRACT IN BLOOD!
[ DOOR OPENS ] - Chris: SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND I HAPPENED TO SEE THE
WORLD'S MOST UNINVITING BACKYARD.
I HAD TO MEET THE DECKLESS SON OF A BITCH WHO LIVES HERE.
- WHO ARE YOU PIGS?
- Chris: AH, I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M CHRIS MONSANTO, U.S. MARSHAL.
PUT 'ER THERE.
- [ SPITS ] - Chris: OH.
DON'T WANT TO SHAKE MY HAND, HUH?
- AAH!
[ BONES SNAPPING ] - Chris: I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO SHAKE MY OWN HAND...
INSIDE YOU.
- [ GRUNTING ] - Chris: HOW DO I DO?
WELL, NICE TO MEET ME.
OH, WHAT A SUPPLE, SOFT HAND I HAVE.
I MUST USE PALMOLIVE...OR GUTS!
- UGH!
- [ GASPING ] - Susie: ARE YOU OKAY, SIR?
- YOU SAVED ME.
YOU'RE MY ANGEL.
- Susie: JUST GLAD YOU'RE SAFE.
- BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME?
- Susie: WHAT?
- I JUST MET THE FUTURE MRS. ARNOLD BLANTH.
- Susie: ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE ARNOLD BLANTH?
- YES.
- Chris: SEEMS SOMEBODY HAS A NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET ADMIRER.
- [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
- Chief: SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION CHARLES FOLGER --
YOU NAME A MODE OF TRANSPORTATION, HE'S GOT AN
OPINION ON IT...OPINIONS THAT HAVE MADE HIM A LOT OF ENEMIES.
- Brett: WHAT DOES HE FEEL ABOUT SHOES?
- Chief: HE HATES THEM.
IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO JUDGE WHETHER OR NOT THE SECRETARY IS
WORTHY OF HIS LIFE.
IT'S OUR JOB TO PROTECT HIM AS THOUGH HE WERE.
- SUSIE?
[ CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS ] - Susie: OH, MY GOD.
WHAT SHOULD I DO HERE?
- Chris: WELL, TRY NOT TO ACT TOO DESPERATE TOO SOON, OKAY?
THAT MIGHT SCARE HIM OFF.
- Susie: HELLO.
- HI, I'M -- I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU HERE.
I-I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU A SMALL PRESENT TO SAY THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY LIFE.
- Susie: OH, I-I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT.
I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB.
- OH, COME ON. JUST OPEN IT.
- Susie: [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.
- IT'S A HEART MADE OUT OF CAT HEARTS.
I KNOW YOU LIKE CATS 'CAUSE I-I FOUND KITTY LITTER IN YOUR
GARBAGE.
- Brett: YOU'RE SO TALENTED.
- Chris: ALL RIGHT, LUTHER VANDROSS.
[ Chuckling ] LET'S GET GOING.
- I LOVE YOU, SUSIE.
[ CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS ]
IT IS A LOVE THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS.
IT IS A LOVE THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO DEFEND.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] - Chief: YOUNG LOVE.
I ENVY YOU TWO.
- Susie: OHH.
- Chris: HELLO?
[ CHUCKLES ] THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE HERE.
[ Chuckling ] COME ON. LET'S GO.
- AS YOUR SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION, I AM PROUD TO
HAVE SECURED FUNDING FOR NEW SODA MACHINES AT BUS DEPOTS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY...
[ APPLAUSE ] ...FOR A SIP OF COLA.
NOW...
- Chris: UGH.
LOOK AT THAT CLOWN OVER THERE.
LOOK AT THAT FACE. UGH.
THOSE STUPID SUNGLASSES AND THAT STUPID SHIRT.
LOOK AT THOSE PANTS.
I HATE HIM.
I HATE HIS FAMILY.
I HATE HIS HOUSE.
- Brett: ME, TOO.
- Chris: SHUT UP.
- A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER LANDED ON
ELLIS ISLAND -- A LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD JUST MADE THE LONG
VOYAGE...
[ CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS ]
- WE WILL BE TOGETHER, MY SWEET.
- NOW, THESE MACHINES WILL TAKE DOLLARS, QUARTERS, AND NICKELS,
BUT NO DIMES.
U.S. DIMES ARE TOO SIMILAR TO THE PARAGUAYAN COIN...
- Susie: [ SIGHS ] ARNOLD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WHO'S THAT -- YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND?
- Susie: IT'S THE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION.
- OH, SO YOU LIKE BIG SHOTS?
- IT WOULD BE COMPLETELY INSANE TO HAVE SODA MACHINES THAT
ACCEPT ANY DIMES.
[ APPLAUSE ] - YOU DON'T THINK I'M A BIG
SHOT?
HOW'S THIS FOR A BIG SHOT?
[ GUN COCKS ] - Susie: ARNOLD, NO!
[ GUNSHOT ] [ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]
- [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
- [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
- Susie: ARNOLD, PUT YOUR HANDS UP.
- I DID IT FOR YOU, SUSAN.
- Susie: ARNOLD BLANTH, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE...
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] [ Weakly ] YOU'RE UNDER ARREST
FOR...
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT NOTHIN'.
- Susie: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF...
MY BETTER JUDGMENT.
- Brett: THEY'RE HAVING SEX.
- Chris: NOT YET, BRETT.
THEY HAVE TO SEE A PREACHER FIRST AND THEN
CUT A HOLE IN A SHEET.
- Brett: OH.
- IT WORKED.
- Susie: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] LET'S GO.
- Chris: HEY, SUSIE, WAIT FOR US.
[ GUNSHOTS ] - Chris: SHE'S SHOOTING AT US.
- Brett: SHOULD WE -- - Chris: I --
- Brett: I DON'T --
- Chief: IS THIS WHAT YOU SAW?
- Brett: THAT'S IT, YOUR HONOR.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.
- Chris: THERE'S NO JUDGES HERE, IDIOT.
- YEP, I'VE SEEN THAT A MILLION TIMES BEFORE -- REGICIDEOPHILIA
OR, AS IT'S KNOWN ON THE STREET, LOU GEHRIG'S OTHER DISEASE.
SIMPLY PUT, SUSIE IS HOPELESSLY ATTRACTED TO ASSASSINS.
- Chris: ALL RIGHT. WHY?
- CHRIS, SOME WOMEN ARE INTO BAD BOYS.
THAT'S WHY I CREATED MY ALTER EGO, DOC SHADES.
MY POINT IS, POLITICAL ASSASSINS ARE -- WELL, THEY'RE THE WORST
BOYS OF ALL.
SHE'S GONNA NEED A FRESH KILL EVERY FEW DAYS TO GET HER
JOLLIES.
- Chris: I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN AROUND HUNDREDS OF MURDERERS AND
THIEVES AND DIRTBAGS, BUT SHE'S NEVER FALLEN FOR ONE.
- SHE'S ONLY INTO ASSASSINS.
- Chris: OKAY, LOOK, UM, DOC, WHILE I GOT YOU HERE, UM --
- PLEASE -- WHILE I'M WEARING THE SHADES, IT'S "DOC SHADES."
[ ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS ] [ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]
- IT'S A PRETTY COOL MOTEL ROOM, HUH?
- Susie: OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE SO SEXY.
- I GOT AN IDEA.
- Susie: YOU WANT TO ASSASSINATE SOMEONE BIGGER THAN
FOLGER, DON'T YOU?
- NO.
I WAS THINKING, INSTEAD OF GETTING THOSE TWIN CEMETERY
PLOTS WE WERE TALKING ABOUT, WE GOT ONE COFFIN FOR BOTH OF US
TO JUST LIE FACE-TO-FACE IN FOR ETERNITY, BOTH OF OUR SKELETONS
SNUGGLING, BEYOND THE FLESH.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- Susie: UH, DO YOU THINK MAYBE WE'RE MOVING TOO FAST?
I MEAN, I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK.
- WHAT?
WHY?
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ] - I'M SORRY, MR. GOVERNOR.
I TRIED TO STOP HIM.
- Chris: SHE DIDN'T TRY THAT HARD.
- YOU'RE FIRED.
- Chris: OHH.
- HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MARSHAL?
- Chris: GOVERNOR, I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD OF
SECRETARY FOLGER'S COMPLETELY UNPREVENTABLE ASSASSINATION.
- YES. VERY SAD.
- Chris: YES, WELL, UH, WHY DON'T I SKIP THE MAIN COURSE AND
GET RIGHT TO THE TIRAMISU?
ONE OF OUR LADY MARSHALS HAS COME DOWN WITH LOU GEHRIG'S
OTHER DISEASE.
- REGICIDEOPHILIA.
- Chris: YEAH.
- BEFORE MY TWIN BROTHER AND I WERE MUSHED TOGETHER, A GYPSY
WOMAN TOLD US THAT WE WOULD DIE YOUNG.
WE LAUGHED AT HER.
THAT WAS THEN.
NOW IT SEEMS HER PROPHECY HAS BORNE FRUIT.
WELL, I WON'T LET THEM HAVE THE SATISFACTION.
IF I DON'T DO THIS RIGHT, YOU'LL HAVE TO FINISH THE JOB.
- Chris: ALL RIGHT, NO, NO, NO.
LOOK -- I HAVE A PLAN.
LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT.
IF IT DOESN'T WORK, THEN I PROMISE I'LL PUT YOU DOWN LIKE A
LAME BULL WITH A BAD NUT.
[ TONGUE CLICKS, LIPS SQUISH ] - I'M LISTENING.
- Susie: I JUST NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF, ARNOLD.
I'M CONFUSED.
PART OF ME WANTS TO MARRY YOU, AND PART OF ME WANTS TO ARREST
YOU FOR MURDER.
- BUT I ASSASSINATED HIM FOR YOU.
- Susie: YEAH, LIKE A WEEK AGO.
- ...ONE GOVERNOR, HUNDREDS OF FANS, NO SECURITY --
GOVERNOR DanJoshy CONTI WILL HONOR FORMER SECRETARY OF
TRANSPORTATION CHARLES FOLGER IN HIS FIRST-EVER NO-SECURITY
EVENT -- NO METAL DETECTORS, NO CROWD CONTROL, NOTHING BETWEEN
YOU AND THE GOVERNOR BUT YOUR CONSCIENCE.
THIS FRIDAY -- BE THERE.
- GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.
- Susie: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
- LET EACH DELICIOUS BEVERAGE
AND TASTY SNACK REMIND US OF THE TIRELESS SERVICE OF
SECRETARY FOLGER.
[ APPLAUSE ] AND NOW I HEREBY DEDICATE
THIS -- [ GUNSHOT ]
[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ] - I DID IT, SUSAN!
I ASSASSINATED A GOVERNOR!
I DID IT FOR YOU!
- Chris: NOT QUITE, ARNOLD, NOT QUITE.
- HE'S NOT DEAD?
- Chris: NOPE.
HE WAS WEARING A BULLETPROOF VEST STUFFED WITH MICE.
- Brett: YOU SHOT A MOUSE?
- UGH!
- Chris: OHH.
OKAY, TIME TO TAKE THE TRASH OUT.
- THERE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ANY SECURITY HERE.
- Chris: AW.
- I TRIED, SUSAN! I TRIED!
- Chris: ALL RIGHT.
- I TRIED!
[ GRUNTING ] [ BIRDS CAW ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
- Susie: I LOVE YOU, ARNOLD.
- Chris: STILL?
TO KILL THE GOVERNOR.
THAT'S KIND OF SEXY.
- [ Sobbing ] PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
I SCREWED UP!
I'M SORRY!
DO YOUR WORST, PIG.
I AIN'T AFRAID OF DYING.
[ CIGARETTE SIZZLES ] [ SOBBING ]
- Susie: GOVERNOR DanJoshy, PLEASE DON'T EXECUTE HIM.
I BEG YOU.
- YOU REALLY DO LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?
- Susie: YES.
- ARNOLD BLANTH, BY THE POWERS VESTED IN ME, I HEREBY...
APPOINT YOU LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR OF OUR STATE.
- HUH?
[ ELECTRICITY ZAPPING ]
- Susie: WOW.
CHRIS, YOU JUST KILLED THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
[ GIGGLES ] - Chris: NO, SUSIE, I DIDN'T
KILL THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.
THE SYSTEM DID...
THE JUSTICE SYSTEM.
- Susie: YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS PRETTY SEXY.
- Chris: WELCOME BACK TO THE GOOD GUYS.
- Brett: AND THAT'S THAT.
[ GUNSHOT ]
- Susie: NICE SHOOTING, BRETT.
- Chris: GEEZ.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GRAB A SHEET.
WHO'S GOOD AT CUTTING HOLES?
[ ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS ]