Chris: WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS "T.G.I.F.F.F." -- THANK GOD IT'S
FOREIGN FOOD FRIDAY.
Brett: YOU ALWAYS PLAN THE BEST THEME NIGHTS, BUDDY.
Chris: WELL...
Brett: SO, WHAT DO THEY GOT HERE -- LIKE, ALBANIAN-STYLE
TWIZZLERS?
Susie: I'M JUST GONNA GET SOME WHITE RICE.
Chris: OH, GEEZ.
YOU GUYS ARE SO UNCULTURED.
[ SCOFFS ] AH. LOOK WHO'S OVER THERE.
ZAMYR RISTANI AND HIS CREW -- ALBANIAN MAFIA.
Susie: WORD IS, TENSIONS ARE FLARING UP BETWEEN RIVAL
FACTIONS.
COULD MEAN A LOT OF BLOODSHED.
Chris: SUSIE...
ALBANIANS, BLOODSHED?
[ SCOFFS ] I DON'T THINK SO.
[ DOOR OPENS ] [ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SHOTGUN COCKS ] [ SHOUTS IN ALBANIAN ]
Chris: ALL RIGHT, UH, LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
UH, ORDER ME SOME QUOFTE, A BEAN JAHNI SOUP, AND SOME, UH...
[ SHOTGUN COCKS ] ...RAKI MANASH, HOLD THE
MULBERRIES.
THANK YOU.
EASY, MONSANTO.
YOU MADE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION NOT TO SHOOT ANYBODY IN THE
BACK.
NOTHING PERSONAL, FONZARELLI.
UNH!
Chris: YEAH. OKAY.
[ Unenthusiastically ] FREEZE.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF ZAMYR RISTANI AND HIS
TWO HENCHMEN.
AND, TO BE HONEST, I'M GONNA HAVE TO PIN THE MURDER OF THAT
MOTORCYCLE GUY ON YOU, TOO.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
Chief: THAT HIT WAS ORDERED BY THIS MAN -- ADNAN ZAGREDA.
Chris: WOW.
HE'S PUTTING OUT MORE HITS THAN ADELINA ISMALJI.
[ CHUCKLES ] THE ALBANIAN POP STAR.
Chief: UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE FROM THE RESTAURANT WAS WILLING
TO TESTIFY, WHICH MAKES YOU THREE OUR ONLY WITNESSES.
Susie: WELL, YOU CAN COUNT ON US, CHIEF.
I'M GONNA SING LIKE A CANARY.
Brett: AND I'M GONNA SQUEAL LIKE A RAT.
Chris: ALL RIGHT, WELL, I THINK YOU'RE COVERED WITH TWO
WITNESSES.
GOOD. GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU.
Chief: SIT DOWN, CHRIS.
Chris: [ SIGHS ] Chief: ZAGREDA'S GOONS ARE
GONNA BE LOOKING FOR YOU THREE, SO YOU BETTER LAY LOW UNTIL THE
TRIAL.
WE'VE GOT A SAFE HOUSE FOR YOU IN ELMWOOD PARK.
Chris: ELMWOOD PA-- UGGGGGH.
Susie: WE SHOULD GO CHECK OUT THE MALL.
I HEAR THEY HAVE A PANTS STORE.
Chris: UGGGH.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS PLACE ANYMORE.
I'M GONNA GO TO THE GARAGE AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN
HUFF.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] OH, HOPEFULLY, THAT'S THE
ALBANIANS, COME TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT.
Susie: WHO IS IT?
HI!
WELCOME TO ELMWOOD PARK!
Chris: WELL.
WHO ARE YOUR NEW FRIENDS HERE, SWEETY BRIDE?
Susie: MM. [ CHUCKLES ] I'M STAN GOODMAN, AND THIS IS
MY WIFE, PATTY.
Chris: STAN AND PATTY.
WELL, THE GOODMANS.
[ CHUCKLES ] THAT'S CUTE.
I'M, UH, CRINCE, AND THIS IS, UH, MY BRIDE, BRENDA.
Brett: HEY.
Chris: OH, I-I'M SORRY.
THAT'S, UH...[CLEARS THROAT] THAT'S BRUCE.
HE'S OUR MALE SEX COMPANION.
YOU'RE A THREESOME?
Susie: Y-YES.
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ] Chris: ARE YOU TWO
POLYAMOROUS?
NO. WE ARE NOT.
AND NO ONE ELSE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS, EITHER.
Chris: ALL RIGHT, WELL, LOOK, IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MINDS,
COME ON BACK.
WE COULD ALWAYS USE AN EXTRA SLICE OF LETTUCE ON OUR SEX
SANDWICH.
A-ACTUALLY, UH, I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF WE JUST...KEPT
OUR DISTANCE.
Brett: BYE!
SWEETHEART?
GOSH.
Chris: THERE YOU GO.
COME ON, HONEY.
OH.
Susie: OKAY!
Chris: WHAT?
Susie: SO, ARE WE SWINGERS NOW?
Chris: YES, WE'RE SWINGERS.
Susie: I'M GOING TO GO VOMIT.
Chris: ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE DOES OUR HORNY LITTLE FAMILY
NEED?
AH -- TINFOIL.
EXCUSE ME.
UM, COULD YOU RECOMMEND A BRAND OF TINFOIL FOR SWINGERS?
FOIL HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU THREE GO SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE?
YOU SWINGERS AREN'T WANTED IN ELMWOOD PARK.
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE BIG CITY, WITH THE OTHER
PERVERTS?
Chris: [ SCOFFS ] SHAME ON YOU.
SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!
OUR LIFESTYLE IS BOTH BEAUTIFUL AND SENSUAL.
WHAT HAPPENED TO "DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS"?
COME ON, BRENDA.
WE'LL BUY YOUR DIET POPSICLES AT A MORE OPEN-MINDED
ESTABLISHMENT.
COME ON. HOLD HANDS.
[ SIGHS, GROANS ] WHAT A BUNCH OF STIFFS IN THIS
TOWN.
YOU TWO MUST FEEL RIGHT AT HOME, HUH?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
Susie: "WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
COME TO 487 BROAD STREET TONIGHT IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR
YOU."
DO YOU THINK THE ALBANIANS HAVE FOUND US?
HERE GOES.
[ DOOR UNLOCKS ] HELLO, FRIENDS.
WELCOME TO THE AMBROSIA CLUB.
COME ON IN.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
Susie: CHRIS, I THINK THIS IS A SWINGERS CLUB.
Chris: YEAH.
FINALLY, A LITTLE SPICE.
BEHOLD -- A GARDEN OF PURE PLEASURE.
[ RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY ] LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE
HUNGRY.
MY NAME'S DAN.
BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER -- BAM, BAM.
Chris: Disgusting.
THIS IS THE BAR.
WE GOT JUICES, TONIC.
NO ALCOHOL.
WE DON'T HAVE OUR LIQUOR LICENSE.
AND THIS IS THE RUMPUS ROOM.
WE GOT A STEAMY POOL TABLE AND A BEANBAG CHAIR.
AND THAT HOT PIECE OF TAIL BEING MANHANDLED BY THAT WEIRD-LOOKING
DUDE IS MY WIFE, LOUISE.
HEY, HON!
I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME NEW FRIENDS.
OH.
Susie: [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE
PLACE?
Susie: UH...I LOVE THE COLOR SCHEME.
THANK YOU.
WE BOUGHT THE PAINT AT LOWE'S -- THAT NEW ONE, ACROSS TOWN.
AND SPEAKING OF NEW LOWS, IT WOULD BE MY HONOR TO DO YOU
WHILE I WATCH YOUR HUSBANDS GET IT ON MY WIFE WHILE MY BUDDY
SAMUEL WATCHES AND MASTURBATES, MILADY.
Susie: [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] Chris: OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU KNOW, CHUCK, WE'D BE HAPPY TO DO A LOT OF REALLY SICKENING
THINGS WITH YOU TWO MONSTERS, BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS
PLACE -- WELL, IT'S JUST NOT UP TO OUR VERY DISCERNING SWINGING
SPECIFICATIONS.
Brett: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE BLOWING IT.
SAMUEL'S GOOD TO GO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPECIFICATIONS?
Chris: UH, WELL, FOR ONE THING, ANY SWINGERS CLUB WORTH
ITS SCENTED BODY OILS WOULD HAVE A VARIETY OF THEME ROOMS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEME ROOMS?
Chris: WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU.
[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ] LOOKS VERY NICE.
WE WERE IN TOO DEEP TO CHANGE OUR STORY, BUT THE THEME ROOMS
WERE A GOOD WAY TO STALL.
PLUS, BUSINESS WAS BOOMING.
AS SOON AS THE THEME ROOMS CAME IN, EVERYTHING CHANGED.
ATTENDANCE WAS UP 40% IN THE FIRST MONTH ALONE.
SUDDENLY, EVERYONE WAS SWINGING -- EVEN THOSE YOU'D
LEAST EXPECT.
DAN WAS HAVING A FIELD DAY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ] WE WERE PART OF A FAMILY, BUT
IT COULDN'T LAST FOREVER.
SOONER OR LATER, SOMEONE WAS GONNA FIGURE OUT WE WEREN'T
DOING ANY ACTUAL SWINGING.
TO AVOID BEING DAN-HANDLED, I OFTEN HAD TO HIDE IN THIS
VOICEOVER-THEMED ROOM.
HEY. THERE YOU ARE.
Chris: AH.
HOW ARE YOU, CHUCKIE?
CRINCE, I LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER...WITH BENEFITS.
IT'S ABOUT TIME I SHOWED YOU SOMETHING THAT NOT EVERYBODY
GETS A CHANCE TO SEE.
VOILà!
Chris: HEY, ARE THESE THOSE NEW SEX GUNS I READ ABOUT IN
MOTHER JONES?
CRINCE, IF YOU ENJOY PERSONAL FREEDOM LIKE WE DO, YOU HAVE TO
BE WILLING TO FIGHT AND EVEN DIE TO PROTECT IT.
SWINGERS ACROSS THE COUNTRY ARE IN A FIGHT TO THE DEATH WITH
THE NOG-OCCUPIED GOVERNMENT.
Chris: NOG?
MONOGAMOUS!
THE ENEMIES OF FREEDOM.
THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR ACTUAL RIGHTS THAT OUR
FOUNDING FATHERS FOUND.
THAT'S WHY US SWINGERS MUST RISE UP AND OVERTHROW THE NOGS
SO THAT WE CAN CREATE A SWINGOCRACY.
IT'S ALL DETAILED IN HERE.
WE'RE DAYS AWAY FROM STRIKING.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE OUT CITY HALL, WHERE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE APPLY
FOR MARRIAGE LICENSES.
WE THINK THEY'LL MAKE THE CONNECTION.
WILL YOU JOIN US, CRINCE?
Chris: YEAH. RIGHT. YEAH.
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] AND SO THE SWINGER MOVEMENT IS
ACTUALLY A VAST UNDERGROUND ORGANIZATION OF ANTIGOVERNMENT
MILITIAS.
PLUS, AS IT TURNS OUT, THEY'RE KIND OF ALL GROSS-LOOKING.
Susie: I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
YOU SURE THIS IS GONNA WORK?
Chris: BELIEVE ME, CHUCK, IF WE'RE GONNA TAKE DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT, WE'RE GONNA NEED AS MANY SOLDIERS AS WE CAN MUSTER.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
LET'S DO THIS.
[ CLEARS THROAT ] IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.
HEY, HORNDOGS.
COME ON DOWN TO THE AMBROSIA CLUB, WHERE YOU CAN
INDULGE IN YOUR DEEPEST FANTASIES IN A SAFE, MODERATELY
CLEAN, LUXURIOUS ENVIRONMENT.
IT'S THE ONLY SWINGERS CLUB ENDORSED BY ME.
COME ON DOWN TO THE AMBROSIA CLUB.
487 BROAD STREET, ELMWOOD PARK.
WE'LL ALL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
COME ON DOWN.
THE NOGS ARE HERE!
[ SHOTGUN COCKS ] THEY'VE COME FOR US!
THE PLAN WORKED.
[ SCREAMS ] ZAGREDA'S HIT SQUAD
STORMED THE AMBROSIA.
[ WOMAN MOANING PLEASURABLY ] YEAH.
BLB-BLB-BLB.
THE SWINGERS NEVER SAW IT COMING.
OH, YEAH!
THEY TRIED TO FIGHT BACK, BUT THEY WERE NO MATCH
FOR THE ALBANIANS.
[ SHOTGUN COCKS, GUNSHOT ] UNH!
[ GUNSHOTS ] IT WAS AN ALL-OUT
MASSACRE.
[ GASPS ] A BLOODBATH.
THAT'S WHEN I STEPPED IN.
AFTER THE AMBROSIA, THE BIG CORPORATE SWINGERS CLUBS TOOK
OVER.
NOW THEY LOOK LIKE DISNEYLAND, ESPECIALLY THE ONE THAT HAS
MR. CHODE'S WILD GLIDE.
IN THE END, I ENDED UP RIGHT BACK HERE, IN MY PLAIN VANILLA
TOWN WITH MY WHITE-BREAD PARTNERS.
AND THAT WAS THAT.