Brett: YOU SURE THIS IS THE PLACE?
Susie: WE USED THE SATELLITE TO TRACK THE COORDINATES FROM
PIKE'S GPS SIGNAL.
IT NARROWED HIS HIDEOUT DOWN TO WITHIN A 20-METER RADIUS.
Chris: LET ME SEE IF I CAN SHIMMY THIS PRICK.
[ METAL CREAKING ] [ GRUNTING ]
OW.
AHH.
LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE R-- OH, GUYS, WE SCREWED UP.
THIS IS JUST ONE OF THOSE FACTORIES THAT MANUFACTURES
WHITE BRICKS.
Susie: CHRIS, IT'S COCAINE.
Chris: ALL RIGHT, SUSIE, WELL, THAT'S A PLAUSIBLE
HYPOTHESIS.
COULD BE COCAINE.
COULD BE ANY NUMBER OF OTHER THINGS, AS WELL.
Susie: OKAY, JUST GET DOWN.
THE MOTION DETECTORS WILL SEE YOU AND TRIP THE ALARM.
Chris: OH, OKAY.
HOW ABOUT WE PLAY IT THIS WAY?
HOW ABOUT I SEE THE MOTION DETECTORS FIRST AND TRIP THEIR
ALARM?
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] [ ALARM BLARING ]
[ CHUCKLES ] Brett: GOOD THINKING, CHRIS.
Chris: UH-HUH.
THAT'S CALLED BEING PROACTIVE, SUSIE.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Chris: THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOBODIES.
I'M CHRIS MONSANTO, U.S.
MARSHAL.
OH.
SOMEBODY WANTS TO PLAY COWBOY.
OKAY. I'LL OBLIGE.
UNH!
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
Chris: EAT A PIECE.
[ GRUNTS ] OKAY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE.
Susie: WHAT'S HE DOING?
Brett: NO.
IT CAN'T BE.
THE DEATH PUNCH.
Susie: I'VE HEARD ABOUT IT FOR YEARS, BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WAS A MYTH, LIKE FIBROMYALGIA.
Brett: NO. IT'S REAL, ONLY NOBODY'S EVER DONE IT BEFORE.
NOT EVEN CHRIS.
Chris: AAAAAAAAAH!
Brett: SO I SAY TO HIM, "LOOK, PAL.
I AIN'T ONE TO HAGGLE OVER THE PRICE OF A HOT DOG, BUT, ON THE
OTHER HAND, IT AIN'T EVERY DAY I FIND A DADDY LONGLEGS CRAWLING
OUT OF MY HOT DOG BUN JUST AS I'M FIXING TO TAKE A BITE OF MY
HOT DOG."
SOMETHING WRONG, BUDDY?
Chris: THESE HANDS, BRETT.
Brett: WHAT, YOU MEAN THE DEATH PUNCH?
[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ] MONSANTO.
MONSANTO!
[ BEEPS ] Chris: YES?
CHIEF WANTS TO SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
Chief: CHRIS.
WORD AROUND HERE IS YOU'RE PRETTY SHAKEN UP ABOUT LAST
NIGHT, OLD BOY.
Chris: OH, CHIEF, I BLEW HIM APART.
Chief: PIKE WAS A BAD, BAD MAN, CHRIS.
TRUST ME.
THE GUY'S WIFE AND TWO KIDS WERE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.
Chris: HE HAD A FAMILY?
Chief: UM...
NO.
HE HAD A WIFE AND KIDS.
SWEET LITTLE ANGELS.
"MA?" THEY'D SAY.
"WHERE'S PA?" "OH, HE AIN'T COMING HOME,
DARLING.
DADDY'S BEEN EXPLODED AT THE HANDS OF ONE
MARSHAL CHRIS MONSANTO."
Chris: HE HAD A FAMILY?
HE HAD A FAMILY?
A FAMILY?
MOM, THIS CHICKEN TASTES LIKE DOG SHIT.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I MADE, YOU CAN GO TO BED HUNGRY.
AAH!
WHAT IN THE GOD DAMN HELL IS THIS?
CAN I HELP YOU, SCUMBAG?
Chris: OH.
DID MIGUEL GIVE YOU MY NAME?
LOOK, FOR 100 BUCKS, YOU GET THE FULL PACKAGE FOR 20 MINUTES.
YOU GONNA COME IN OR YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE LIKE AN IDIOT?
[ DOOR OPENS ] NAME'S TIFFANY.
THIS IS KYLE AND JULIE.
DON'T WORRY.
THEY KNOW HOW TO SHUT THEIR EARS PRETTY GOOD.
I'M GONNA GO EMPTY THE TANK, KIDS.
Chris: WELL, AREN'T YOU TWO JUST THE SAINTLIEST LITTLE
MOP-TOP RAGAMUFFINS I EVER DID SEE.
YOU GONNA TRY TO DIDDLE ME, MISTER?
I WON'T TELL ANYONE FOR A QUARTER.
Chris: A QUARTER?
[ SCOFFS ] THIS FAMILY IS IN BIG TROUBLE.
YOU GUYS NEED A DADDY.
ALL RIGHT, I'M READY TO GO WHENEVER YOU ARE, CHAMP.
Chris: OH, DEAR SWEET TIFFANY, I'M GONNA DO YOU ONE
BETTER THAN A QUICK C-NOTE SLOP-AND-FLOP, OKAY?
I'M GONNA SAVE THIS FAMILY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TOMORROW WE HEAD OFF TO WATERSLIDE CITY, THE
HAPPIEST FUN PARK IN THE WHOLE WIDE STATE?!
[ LAUGHING ] FUN, RIGHT?
BY THE WAY, EVERYONE, MY NAME IS CHRIS.
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE WAY TO WATERSLIDE CITY?
Chris: WELL, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN THERE OR CONSULTED
A MAP OR ANYTHING OR -- OHH!
OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S IT, GUYS.
I'M TURNING THIS THING AROUND.
KIDS, YOU WANT TO SIT IN YOUR OWN FILTH, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
IN FACT, I'LL JOIN YOU.
UGH! I HATE THIS FAMILY.
UGH!
[ TIRES SCREECHING ] OH, HEY, REAL NICE, TIFFANY.
SERVICE WITH A SMILE.
[ BURPS ] WELL, MAYBE I COULD BE MORE
ACCOMMODATING IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND MY WHOLE DAY CLEANING
THE HOUSE!
Chris: OH, HONEY, IS THAT WHAT THING IS FOR?
I THOUGHT YOU SAT ON IT AND USED IT TO FLY AROUND WITH.
OH, WELL, IF I DID, AT LEAST THERE'D BE SOME KIND OF HARD
POLE BETWEEN MY LEGS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
Chris: SWEETHEART, IT AIN'T THE STIFF OF THE SKIFF.
IT'S THE TADDLE OF THE PADDLE.
OH, AND BEAUTIFUL MEATLOAF, BY THE WAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT THAT OR ROLL IT AT THE 7 PIN.
AH! BING BANG POW!
DON'T YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT MY MEATLOAF, DAMN IT.
I LEARNED THAT RECIPE FROM MY MOTHER, WHO HAPPENS TO BE
EXTREMELY PROUD OF IT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] THAT'S HER.
YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE MOUTH.
Chris: OH, OKAY.
GRANDMA!
OH, MY DARLINGS!
GUESS WHAT GRANDMA BROUGHT YOU.
HER FAMOUS MEATLOAF.
Chris: HOO, BOY.
ANOTHER MEATLOAF.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT THAT THING OR ROLL IT AT THE 7 PIN.
CHRIS!
SO, YOU MUST BE CHRIS.
TIFFANY'S TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
NONE OF IT GOOD.
Chris: YOU KNOW, YOUR DAUGHTER'S A REAL PEACH, WHICH
MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN OLD TREE.
A-BING BANG POW.
CAN WE ALL JUST SIT DOWN AND TRY AND HAVE A NICE DINNER FOR
ONCE?
Chris: PBHT!
GRANDMA!
OH, YOU ARE A FILTH!
Chris: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD IT.
GOD KNOWS I TRIED.
ANYBODY WANTS ME, I'LL BE IN THE OTHER ROOM WATCHING THE GAME.
[ SLURPS ] THE SPORTS GAME.
I LOVE THE WAY YOU DECORATED THIS PLACE, DEAR.
ALL EXCEPT FOR THAT HEAPING PILE OF DOG FECES IN THE CORNER OVER
THERE.
BUT I ASSUME THAT'LL BE GONE BY TRASH DAY.
Chris: ONLY IF YOU EAT IT, BABY.
SWINE!
Chris: SHOVEL IT, BABY.
BEAST!
ENOUGH!
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU TWO.
I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO A MOTEL.
CALL ME WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE FULL-GROWN ADULTS.
[ DOOR SLAMS ] Chris: I HATED YOU THE MOMENT
I SAW YOU.
YOU INSOLENT STOOGE.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN TASTE A BITE OF MY FAMOUS MEATLOAF!
Chris: LADY, I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT THAT THING OR
ROLL IT AT THE 7 PIN.
BING...
BANG...
POW?
[ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] Chris: OH, WOW.
THAT WAS JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.
MMM.
CHRIS, I WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME.
Chris: BABY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO START INVENTING NEW
PLACES FOR ME TO TOUCH.
NO, I MEAN, WITH YOUR HANDS.
YOUR REAL HANDS.
Chris: OH, I, UM...
AHH.
Chris: UH...
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] NO!
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I JUST CAN'T.
IT WOULD PUT YOU IN TOO MUCH DANGER.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Chris: SANDRA, IT WAS I WHO KILLED PIKE, YOUR SON-IN-LAW.
I USED A SPECIAL FIGHTING MOVE CALLED THE DEATH PUNCH, AND I
EXPLODED HIM.
I JUST CAN'T TRUST THESE HANDS ANYMORE.
NO, CHRIS, YOU DIDN'T KILL PIKE.
I DID.
Chris: DO WHA?
THE NIGHT HE DIED, HE WAS WEARING A SWEATER...
A SWEATER I GAVE HIM...
A SWEATER I HAD LACED WITH EXPLOSIVES.
Chris: BUT WHY?
BECAUSE HE WAS AIMING TO STEAL MY FAMOUS MEATLOAF RECIPE,
CHRIS.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT THIS OR ROLL IT AT A 7 PIN.
HE WANTED TO USE IT TO HELP HIM WIN A BOWLING TOURNAMENT.
IT'S THE ONLY SUREFIRE WAY TO KNOCK OVER A 7 PIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT THIS OR ROLL IT AT A 7 PIN.
NOBODY STEALS MY FAMOUS MEATLOAF RECIPE!
I HAD NO CHOICE.
Chris: SO, I DIDN'T KILL PIKE, AND THE DEATH PUNCH ISN'T
REAL.
NO.
Chris: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IS REAL?
FIRST-DEGREE MURDER, WHICH YOU JUST CONFESSED TO.
SORRY, BABY, BUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO ARREST YOU FOR THE MURDER OF
YOUR SON-IN-LAW, LEOPOLD PIKE.
[ SCOFFS ] ARREST ME?
Chris: ONE MORE THING.
THE NAME'S CHRIS, AS IN CHRIS MONSANTO, U.S. MARSHAL.
AAAAAAAH!
Chris: AAH!
AS I STOOD THERE AND FELT THE INSIDES OF SANDRA RAIN DOWN UPON
ME, I REALIZED THAT THE DEATH PUNCH WAS, INDEED, REAL.
BUT THAT WAS OKAY.
BECAUSE WHAT SANDRA HAD TAUGHT ME IS THAT, WHILE MY HANDS CAN
CREATE DEATH, THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THEY CAN CREATE, AS
WELL -- JOY, PLEASURE, AND TENDERNESS.
I WAS READY TO RETURN HOME.
[ DOOR OPENS ] I'M BACK.
WHAT'D I MISS?
[ GUNSHOT ]