>> PAPERS.
>> Sí.
>> WHAT'S THE REASON FOR YOUR
TRIP?
>> THEY ARE TRAVELING
ENTERTAINERS.
>> HOW MANY WITH YOU?
>> FOUR BIG, FOUR SMALL.
>> YOU CAN GO THROUGH.
>> GRACIAS.
>> BUENOS DíAS, SEÑOR.
[ ENGINE REVS ]
>> Chief: IT WAS AN IMPRESSIVE
MASSACRE.
OVER 200 SHOTS FIRED.
>> Chris: LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
REALLY HATES SCHOOL BUSES.
>> Brett: OR REALLY LOVES TINY
HOLES.
>> Chris: OKAY, UH, BRETT.
REMEMBER WHEN I DUCT-TAPED YOUR
MOUTH SHUT THE OTHER DAY?
>> Brett: YEAH.
>> Chief: AND IT APPEARS THEY
GOT AWAY WITH WHATEVER THEY
WERE AFTER...
EXCEPT...
>> Chris: AH, HERE WE GO.
>> Chief: [ BLOWS ]
...THIS.
>> Susie: A TINY BOW TIE?
REALLY?
WHAT ABOUT BULLET CASINGS?
>> Chris: HOW ABOUT SAUSAGE
CASINGS?
THROW IN SOME LEMONADE, AND
WE GOT OURSELVES A STREET FAIR.
[ SCOFFS ] Stupid.
>> Susie: OR WHY DON'T WE
ANALYZE THE TIRE TRACKS AT THE
CRIME SCENE?
WE COULD TRACE THE VEHICLE BACK
TO ITS OWNER.
>> Chris: [ SIGHS ]
OKAY, SUSIE.
WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR BRAINIAC
FRIENDS GO NERD OUT IN THE CRIME
LAB?
THIS IS THE KIND OF LEAD
CHRIS MONSANTO KNOWS HOW TO
FOLLOW.
BRETT...
SUSAN...SWEETHEART?
>> Susie: [ SCOFFS ] FINE.
>> Chris: AH, IT'S ALWAYS NICE
WHEN YOU COME ALONG.
>> Susie: THANK YOU.
>> THEN YOU TAKE THE HANDY-DANDY
GREEN-AND-YELLOW KERCHIEF, WRAP
IT AROUND YOUR HAND, AND PRESTO!
[ GASPS ]
WHY SO BLUE, MR. KERCHIEF?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> Chris: WELL, WELL, WELL.
CYRUS BARNABY.
>> AFTERNOON, MARSHAL.
STOPPING BY FOR A QUICK TUTORIAL
OF THE LINKING RINGS?
>> Chris: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
THIS?
>> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
>> Chris: OKAY.
FOR SOMEBODY WHO TRICKS PEOPLE
FOR A LIVING, YOU'RE NOT A VERY
GOOD LIAR.
>> DEVIN, CALL THE POLICE.
>> Brett: YOU SHOULD STICK TO
PEDDLING FAKE DOG SHIT
INSTEAD OF REAL BULL SHIT!
BARNABY!
>> ALL RIGHT!
FOLLOW ME.
YES, A KID CAME IN AND SOLD THIS
TO ME LAST WEEK.
BUT IT WAS WORTHLESS,
NON-FUNCTIONAL -- HAD NO
"HAND HOLE."
TURNS OUT A MEXICAN CARTEL USED
IT TO SMUGGLE COCAINE INTO THE
COUNTRY.
>> Brett: HOW'D THEY GET THE
DRUGS INSIDE WITHOUT A
HAND HOLE?
IS THERE A DRUG HOLE?
>> NO, BUT...
TAKE THE HANDY-DANDY ARM, AND
THEN YOU DIP IT INTO THE
HANDY-DANDY BASIN...
[ FIZZLING ]
AND PRESTO.
>> Chris: HANDY-DANDY NOSTRIL
CANDY.
>> THE DUMMY IS DRUGS.
IT'S A HIGH-IMPACT,
PRESSURE-MOLDED COCAINE.
AND THERE'S BEEN A WHOLE WAVE OF
FAKE DUMMIES CROSSING THE
BORDER.
>> Susie: SO, OUR BLOODBATH WAS
A DRUG DEAL GONE BAD.
>> Chris: I WANT A NAME.
>> DOMINIC SALDíVAR.
HE OWNS THE FACTORY THAT MAKES
THESE IN GUADALAJARA.
>> Chris: WELL, KIDS, YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
>> Susie: WE'RE GONNA REPORT
THIS TO THE D.E.A.?
>> Chris: NOT QUITE.
WE'RE GOING DOWN TO MEXICO TO
FIND THIS SALDíVAR FELLOW AND
MAKE HIM D.E.A...D.
[ MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> Brett: GUYS, LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING.
DO YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD OR A
BAD IDEA FOR ME TO TRADE MY GUN
IN FOR THIS CHURRO?
>> Chris: [ SIGHS ]
BRETT, YOUR MOUTH IS MOVING
AGAIN AND THERE ARE NOISES
COMING OUT OF IT.
>> Brett: JUST BIT MY TONGUE.
>> Chris: HEY, SHH. QUIET.
HEY, GUYS, COME HERE.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
ALL RIGHT, THINK WE FOUND OUR
SOURCE.
IT'S TIME TO GO UNDERCOVER.
>> WELCOME, MY FRIENDS.
I AM DOMINIC SALDíVAR.
YOU HAVE TRAVELED A LONG WAY TO
GET HERE.
>> Brett: HE'S ONTO US.
LET'S BAIL.
>> Chris: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH, MY, UH, ASSOCIATE SPEAKS
VERY HIGHLY OF YOUR PRODUCT.
PRODUCT, HE
MEANS -- COCAINE,
REVERSE-SNEEZING DUST.
WE'RE HERE TO TAKE A LOT OF IT
OFF YOUR HANDS.
>> LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT WE DO
HERE.
MY PROCESS CHANGED THE ENTIRE
INDUSTRY.
THE U.S. CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO
COMBAT US.
>> Help!
>> Susie: CHRIS!
>> Chris: WHAT?
>> AND THIS IS WHAT MAKES IT ALL
POSSIBLE -- "LA MáQUINA"...
ROUGHLY TRANSLATED, "THE
MACHINE."
IT CAN PRESSURE-MOLD COCAINE
INTO ANY SHAPE -- NOT ONLY
DUMMIES BUT BOOKS, TROPHIES,
SPORTING EQUIPMENT...
DREIDELS.
YOU NAME IT.
[ FIZZLING ]
>> Susie: THAT'S AMAZING.
>> Brett: CAN YOU MAKE A COCAINE
VERSION OF MY SHOE?
>> SURE.
>> Brett: HOW ABOUT MY OTHER
SHOE?
>> YES.
>> Brett: HOW ABOUT MY MARSHAL'S
BADGE?
>> MARSHALS?
THIS IS A TRAP!
>> Chris: OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.
OKAY.
>> iES UN EMBOSCADA!
>> Brett: DAMN IT.
I HAD MORE SHOE-RELATED
QUESTIONS.
>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
UH, I'M GONNA PUMP SOME MEXICAN
KILLING BEANS INTO THAT GUY.
I'LL MEET YOU GUYS SOMEWHERE
NEAR THE FRONT, OKAY?
[ GUNSHOTS IN DISTANCE ]
>> HI.
>> Chris: WELL, HELLO, THERE,
LITTLE LADY.
>> I'M ROSA.
>> Chris: I'M CHRIS MONSANTO,
U.S. MARSHAL.
>> SALDíVAR IS MY EX-HUSBAND.
HE IS A VERY JEALOUS MAN, AND HE
WILL NOT LET ME LEAVE, EVEN
THOUGH I DO NOT FEEL FOR HIM.
>> Chris: I GET IT.
SAVE YOU FROM THE BIG, BAD WOLF,
HUH?
OKAY, HONEY. COME ON.
I'LL TAKE YOU WITH ME.
UH, SUSIE, BRETT, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET -- HONEY, WHAT'S YOUR
NAME AGAIN?
>> ROSA.
>> ROSA. ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
OH, WATCH IT.
OKAY, COME ON.
>> Susie: AT THIS RATE, WE
SHOULD BE AT THE BORDER BY
2:00 A.M.
THEN WE CAN GET A MOTEL AND GET
SOME SLEEP.
>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL EVER BE
ABLE TO REPAY YOU.
>> Chris: WELL, YOU CAN START BY
PAYING FOR HALF THE MOTEL ROOM.
THEN WE'LL FIGURE OUT THINGS AS
WE GO ALONG.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE SILLY.
>> Brett: WHAT STATE IS MEXICO
IN?
>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, BRETT, I
WANT YOU TO SHUT UP.
>> Brett: WHAT?
>> Chris: THIS IS WHAT A LUXURY
AMERICAN HOTEL LOOKS LIKE.
>> IT'S VERY...ACCOMMODATING.
>> Chris: HECK, LOOK.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> Chris: THEY EVEN PUT
CHOCOLATES ON THE PILLOWS HERE.
ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
ANYHOO, UH, WHEN WE GET BACK
INTO TOWN, I'M GONNA HELP YOU
GET STARTED WITH YOUR NEW LIFE.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
BRETT, I TOLD YOU, YOU CAN'T
COME IN AND WATCH ME SLEEP.
>> WE'RE HERE FOR THE
MERCHANDISE.
>> Chris: OH, SORRY.
YOU GOT THE WRONG ROOM.
>> THE MERCHANDISE.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE'LL ASK
NICELY.
>> Chris: HONEY, DO YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT MERCHANDISE?
ROSA.
ROSA?
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
ROSA! ROSA!
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> I'M SORRY, CHRIS!
>> Chris: ROSA, OPEN UP!
COME ON!
WE SHARE THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S PART OF THE DEAL.
COME ON. LET --
[ FIZZLING ]
YOU'RE THE MERCHANDISE.
YOU'RE COCAINE.
>> I'M SO SORRY, CHRIS.
YOU WERE SET UP TO SMUGGLE ME
ACROSS THE BORDER.
>> Chris: NO.
NO.
>> FLUSH ME, CHRIS.
DON'T LET THEM GET ME.
PROMISE ME YOU WILL FLUSH ME!
[ POUNDING ON DOOR ]
>> SORRY, CHRIS.
I HAD NO CHOICE.
>> Chris: OH.
[ FIZZLING CONTINUES ]
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
>> PRESTO...
CHANGE-O.
>> Chris: THERE'S SOMETHING I
HAVE TO DO.
[ GUN COCKS ]
>> GOOD WORK TODAY, GUYS.
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
>> Chris: HEY, SALDíVAR.
>> WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO IT IS.
CHRIS MONSANTO.
WHERE'S YOUR SNORT-UP DOLL?
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Chris: CHEW ON SOME DEATH.
>> ADIóS, AMIGO.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
[ RAIN FALLING ]
[ FIZZLING ]
>> Chris: YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
GIVEN ME A GUIDED TOUR,
SALDíVAR.
I PICKED MYSELF UP A FACTORY
REJECT.
[ BONES CRACK ]
MMM.
THAT'S SOME PRIMO ME.
PURE, UNCUT VENGEANCE.
[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]
[ MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ MAN SINGING IN SPANISH ]