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[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

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>> HEY, KID, WHERE YOU HEADED?

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>> HOME.

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>> YOU WANT A RIDE?

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I GOT SOME COMIC BOOKS.

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>> UM...

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OKAY.

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>> HOP IN.

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WELL, HERE WE ARE.

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>> THANKS FOR THE RIDE, MISTER!

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[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

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[ AIR BRAKE HISSES ]

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>> HEY, BUDDY. WHERE YOU HEADED?

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>> HOME.

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>> YOU WANT A RIDE?

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I GOT SOME PICTURES OF SIAMESE

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TWINS.

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>> HMM.

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OKAY.

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[ CROW CAWING ]

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>> Chris: EH, BOY.

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ALL RIGHT, WATCH YOUR FEET.

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>> Brett: UGH.

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[ THUD ]

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>> Chris: UGH!

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>> Brett: CREEPY EARL.

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>> Chris: WHO'S THAT?

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>> Brett: HE WAS THE MOST

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WONDERFUL MAN I EVER KNEW.

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WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, HE WOULD

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GIVE US KIDS RIDES IN HIS RUSTY

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VAN AND INVITE US OVER TO PET

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HIS RABBITS.

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WHY'D HE HAVE TO DIE?

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>> Chris: WELL, IF I HAD TO

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GUESS, I'D SAY HE GOT A DISEASE

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FROM THOSE RABBITS.

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IN ABOUT 24 HOURS, THIS TOWN'S

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GONNA BE A DUST-RIDDEN PLAGUE

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ZONE.

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IF WE WANT TO DIE PAINLESSLY, I

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SAY WE KILL OURSELVES NOW.

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I'LL GO FIRST.

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[ GUN COCKS ]

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>> Susie: THERE'S A FRESH SCAR

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ON HIS ABDOMEN.

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>> Brett: PROBABLY A CHUPACABRA

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BITE.

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>> Susie: NO, I THINK HE WAS

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MURDERED.

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AND WHAT IS THIS?

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>> Chris: GIVE ME THAT.

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"RANDAL JAMES BARKER...

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FRANK DUGGARD...

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RUDY JAY JIMMERSON...

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EARL DANDRIDGE...

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NEIL PHIPPS."

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>> Susie: Stop.

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>> Chief: THESE ARE THE TOWN'S

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BIGGEST CREEPS...

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AND THE TOWN'S STIFFEST CORPSES.

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EXCEPT NEIL PHIPPS.

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>> Susie: WHY IS SOMEONE

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MURDERING CREEPS?

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>> Chief: A BETTER QUESTION IS,

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WHY IS YOUR HUNKY-FIREMEN

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CALENDAR STILL ON APRIL?

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>> Susie: OH.

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OH, HELLO, SAM DRAKE!

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HE'S THE HUNKIEST FIREMAN IN

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TOWN.

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IN TOWN,

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PERIOD.

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>> Chris: OH, PLEASE.

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AS SHANIA TWAIN SO FAMOUSLY

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SAID, "THAT DON'T IMPRESS A-ME

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MUCH."

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>> Susie: SO, YOU THINK

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SOMEONE'S GONNA TRY TO KILL

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NEIL PHIPPS?

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>> Brett: IS HE A CREEP?

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>> Chief: HE'S A 46-YEAR-OLD

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BILLIONAIRE WHO STILL LIVES WITH

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HIS MOTHER.

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>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

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[ SNIFFS DEEPLY ]

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LET'S GO.

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>> Susie: HELLO?!

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>> Chris: [ CLICKING TONGUE ]

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ALL RIGHT.

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>> Susie: NAMIBIAN RED-EYED

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TARANTULAS -- THE LARGEST AND

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RAREST TARANTULA IN THE WORLD.

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AND THE DEADLIEST.

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>> Chris: CREEPY.

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>> Susie: [ CHUCKLES ]

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>> THEY'RE NOT CREEPY.

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AND NEITHER AM I.

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WHAT DO YOU WANT?

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>> Chris: WE'RE U.S. MARSHALS.

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AND WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE

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THAT YOUR LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER.

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>> [ SCOFFS ]

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WELL...

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WHEN YOU'RE THE WORLD'S MOST

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SUCCESSFUL CREATOR OF

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"TO-DO LIST" SOFTWARE, YOU CAN

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EXPECT TO MAKE SOME ENEMIES.

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IT'S A RISK I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE

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WITH.

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CAN I OFFER YOU SOME GINGER ALE?

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>> Chris: I'LL TAKE A LIGHT

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BEER, DOMESTIC, FROSTED MUG.

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>> Brett: I'LL HAVE SOME LACTAID

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AND SLICED BANANA.

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>> I HAVE GINGER ALE.

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>> Chris: THAT'LL BE FINE.

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>> THAT WILL BE ALL, MOTHER.

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>> Chris: WELL, I GOT TO HAND IT

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TO YOU, PHIPPS.

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YOU'VE REALLY GOT QUITE A RAD

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PAD HERE.

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>> YES, I DO.

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I GUESS YOU COULD SAY SUCCESS

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WAS ALWAYS ON MY TO-DO LIST.

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[ LAUGHS ]

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>> Chris: AND IT'S JUST YOU AND

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THE MOTHER WHO LIVE HERE?

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>> IF YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT A

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WIFE, THE ANSWER IS NO.

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>> Chris: OH.

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WHAT ABOUT, UH [SLURPS]

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GIRLFRIENDS?

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>> NO.

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WOMEN NEVER GOT NEIL PHIPPS.

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>> Chris: WHAT A SHOCKER.

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[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

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>> Susie: HELLO?

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REALLY? OKAY.

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GOODBYE.

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[ BEEP ]

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THEY FOUND ANOTHER DEAD CREEP.

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>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

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>> Chris: EH, SOMEBODY'S OFFING

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CREEPS.

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WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE HIS

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NEXT TARGET.

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>> WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A

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CREEP?!

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>> Chris: WELL, IT'S PROBABLY

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BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU ARE AND

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THE THINGS YOU DO.

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>> FINISH YOUR GINGER ALE AND

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GET OUT!

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>> Chris: [ SLURPS ]

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[ GARGLING ]

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WELL, I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE A

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LOOK AT THAT CREEP'S CORPSE.

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WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO HANG

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AROUND THE LADIES' CHANGING

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ROOMS AT T.J. MAXX FOR A WHILE

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AND THEN GO TO THE MORGUE?

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>> Brett: ROGER THAT.

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>> Susie: WHAT?

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UH, YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.

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I'M JUST GONNA CHECK SOME THINGS

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OUT HERE.

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[ SIGHS ]

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[ DOOR CLOSES ]

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[ LIQUID BUBBLING ]

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>> [ GASPS ]

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HELP...ME!

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>> Susie: GET OFF OF ME, YOU

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CREEP!

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>> HE WAS CUT OPEN IN THE SAME

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PLACE AS THE OTHERS.

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IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE ALL

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MISSING THEIR GALLBLADDERS.

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>> Chris: WHO CARES?

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>> WELL, IT WAS RECENTLY

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DISCOVERED THAT THE GALLBLADDER

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SECRETES A CHEMICAL CALLED

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RUX-40, OR CREEPATIN.

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THIS GUY'S CREEPATIN LEVELS

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SHOULD HAVE BEEN OFF THE CHARTS,

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BUT THERE WAS NONE FOUND IN HIS

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BODY.

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>> Chris: LET ME SEE THAT.

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[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

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UH. OH, GEEZ.

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[ GRUMBLES ]

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[ SNORTS ]

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OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

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ALL RIGHT, UM...

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LET ME GET A LOOK AT HIS PENIS.

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>> EXCUSE ME?

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>> Brett: YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SEE

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HIS PENIS, TOO, PLEASE.

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>> OH, MY GOD.

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YOU GUYS ARE CREEPS.

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[ CLICKING THROAT ]

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>> Susie: DAMN IT, CHRIS.

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WHERE ARE YOU?

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[ SCOFFS ]

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OHH.

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CREEPY.

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OH, MY...GOD.

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]

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SAM DRAKE?

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HE'S THE HUNKIEST FIREMAN IN

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TOWN.

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IN TOWN,

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PERIOD.

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>> YOU CAN CALL ME SAMUEL.

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SAMUEL?

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>> Susie: [ GROANS ]

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]

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[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

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>> Chief: SUSIE.

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>> Susie: [ GASPS ]

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>> Chief: [ Echoing ] GIVE US A

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HUG.

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>> Susie: [ GASPS ]

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>> Chief: WHAT, ARE YOU TOO GOOD

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FOR ME?!

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>> Susie: CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT

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THIS IS?

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>> IT'S A MALE HORMONE THAT

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PRODUCES CREEPINESS.

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>> Susie: WHAT COULD SOMEONE DO

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WITH GALLONS OF THIS STUFF?

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>> THEY COULD POISON THE WATER

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SUPPLY, TURN EVERY MAN IN THIS

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TOWN INTO A CREEP.

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>> Susie: WHERE DID CHRIS AND

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BRETT GO?

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>> OHH, I KICKED THOSE TWO

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CREEPS OUT.

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CREEPS?

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PHIPPS MUST HAVE SLIPPED SOME

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CREEPATIN INTO OUR DRINKS.

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>> Chris: OOH, YEAH, THAT'S IT,

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BABY.

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DUST THAT SHELF.

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OOH, YEAH. OOH!

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MOVE THEM TCHOTCHKES AROUND.

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THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT.

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HEY!

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WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

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YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR

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ME, MISS HOITY-TOITY?

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GET BACK HERE!

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>> Susie: CHRIS!

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>> Chris: WHAT?!

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>> Susie: HERE. DRINK THIS.

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>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

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>> Susie: DO YOU WANT TO GO TO

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THE LAUNDROMAT AND STEAL WOMEN'S

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PANTIES?

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>> Chris: NO. OF COURSE NOT.

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WHOSE GLASSES ARE THESE?

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>> Susie: NOW, WHERE'S BRETT?

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>> Chris: HE MOVED IN TO HIS

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MOTHER'S HOUSE.

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>> Susie: WE BETTER HURRY.

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[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

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HI!

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>> BRETT! YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE.

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>> Brett: HEY, GUYS.

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YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

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MA AND I WERE JUST ABOUT TO TRY

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ON OLD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

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>> Susie: HERE. DRINK THIS.

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IT'S THE ANTIDOTE TO THE

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CREEPATIN.

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PHIPPS PUT IT IN OUR GINGER ALE

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LAST NIGHT.

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HE'S GONNA POISON THE WHOLE TOWN

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WITH IT AND TURN ALL THE MEN

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INTO CREEPS SO HE CAN GET ALL

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THE WOMEN.

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WOMAN, AT LEAST.

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>> Brett: WOW. THAT GUY'S SMART.

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BUT I DIDN'T DRINK ANY OF THE

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GINGER ALE.

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I HATE GINGER ALE.

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>> HE NEVER DRANK GINGER ALE!

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>> Brett: LAY OFF ME, MA!

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>> WHICH IS WHY...

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[ WOMEN GIGGLING ]

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...THIS DRAGON IS FIGHTING THIS

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DRAGON.

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[ WOMEN GIGGLING ]

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>> Susie: NEIL PHIPPS!

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YOU'RE UNDER ARREST ON FOUR

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COUNTS OF FIRST-DEGREE

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CREEPICIDE.

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>> Chris: YOU ADDED YOUR NAME TO

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THE MURDER LIST SO THAT WE'D

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THINK YOU'D BE ONE OF THE

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VICTIMS.

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VERY INGENIOUS.

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>> YOU GOT ME ALL WRONG,

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MONSANTO.

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I WAS SIMPLY AUTOGRAPHING WHAT I

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CONSIDER MY MOST MASTERFUL TO-DO

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LIST YET.

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NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THESE

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FINE LADIES ARE ON MY OTHER

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TO-DO LIST.

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DO.

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[ LAUGHS ]

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>> Susie: YOU GIRLS AREN'T

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ATTRACTED TO HIM, ARE YOU?

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>> HEY, COMPARED TO THE CREEPS

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IN THIS TOWN, THIS GUY'S

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JOHN STAMOS.

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>> Susie: NEIL PHIPPS IS NO

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JOHN STAMOS.

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JOHN STAMOS!

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ATTACK!

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>> Brett: WHOA. HEY. HEY, NO.

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>> [ LAUGHS ]

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[ THUD ]

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OH!

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>> Susie: HERE'S ONE LAST THING

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TO PUT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST,

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PHIPPS -- "DIE."

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[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

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>> YES!

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BITE ME, MY CHILDREN!

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00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:03,188
BITE ME!

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00:10:03,271 --> 00:10:05,646
I'M COMING, JACKO!

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00:10:05,729 --> 00:10:06,979
[ Laughing ] I'M COMING!

335
00:10:07,063 --> 00:10:07,813
[ CRUNCH ]

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OHH!

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>> Susie: SAMUEL, HI.

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I BROUGHT THE ANTIDOTE TO THE

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CREEPATIN SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

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BE A CREEP ANYMORE.

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>> NO, THANKS.

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I THINK I'M GOING TO STAY A

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CREEP.

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00:10:20,479 --> 00:10:21,813
I'M GOING OVER TO THE HIGH

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SCHOOL TO WATCH THE GIRLS

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00:10:22,438 --> 00:10:25,146
SOCCER TEAM PRACTICE.

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00:10:25,229 --> 00:10:28,729
SEE YOU AROUND.

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[ VAN DOOR CLOSES ]

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>> Susie: GOODBYE, SAM DRAKE.

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[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]