[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> HEY, KID, WHERE YOU HEADED?
>> HOME.
>> YOU WANT A RIDE?
I GOT SOME COMIC BOOKS.
>> UM...
OKAY.
>> HOP IN.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
>> THANKS FOR THE RIDE, MISTER!
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ AIR BRAKE HISSES ]
>> HEY, BUDDY. WHERE YOU HEADED?
>> HOME.
>> YOU WANT A RIDE?
I GOT SOME PICTURES OF SIAMESE
TWINS.
>> HMM.
OKAY.
[ CROW CAWING ]
>> Chris: EH, BOY.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH YOUR FEET.
>> Brett: UGH.
[ THUD ]
>> Chris: UGH!
>> Brett: CREEPY EARL.
>> Chris: WHO'S THAT?
>> Brett: HE WAS THE MOST
WONDERFUL MAN I EVER KNEW.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, HE WOULD
GIVE US KIDS RIDES IN HIS RUSTY
VAN AND INVITE US OVER TO PET
HIS RABBITS.
WHY'D HE HAVE TO DIE?
>> Chris: WELL, IF I HAD TO
GUESS, I'D SAY HE GOT A DISEASE
FROM THOSE RABBITS.
IN ABOUT 24 HOURS, THIS TOWN'S
GONNA BE A DUST-RIDDEN PLAGUE
ZONE.
IF WE WANT TO DIE PAINLESSLY, I
SAY WE KILL OURSELVES NOW.
I'LL GO FIRST.
[ GUN COCKS ]
>> Susie: THERE'S A FRESH SCAR
ON HIS ABDOMEN.
>> Brett: PROBABLY A CHUPACABRA
BITE.
>> Susie: NO, I THINK HE WAS
MURDERED.
AND WHAT IS THIS?
>> Chris: GIVE ME THAT.
"RANDAL JAMES BARKER...
FRANK DUGGARD...
RUDY JAY JIMMERSON...
EARL DANDRIDGE...
NEIL PHIPPS."
>> Susie: Stop.
>> Chief: THESE ARE THE TOWN'S
BIGGEST CREEPS...
AND THE TOWN'S STIFFEST CORPSES.
EXCEPT NEIL PHIPPS.
>> Susie: WHY IS SOMEONE
MURDERING CREEPS?
>> Chief: A BETTER QUESTION IS,
WHY IS YOUR HUNKY-FIREMEN
CALENDAR STILL ON APRIL?
>> Susie: OH.
OH, HELLO, SAM DRAKE!
HE'S THE HUNKIEST FIREMAN IN
TOWN.
IN TOWN,
PERIOD.
>> Chris: OH, PLEASE.
AS SHANIA TWAIN SO FAMOUSLY
SAID, "THAT DON'T IMPRESS A-ME
MUCH."
>> Susie: SO, YOU THINK
SOMEONE'S GONNA TRY TO KILL
NEIL PHIPPS?
>> Brett: IS HE A CREEP?
>> Chief: HE'S A 46-YEAR-OLD
BILLIONAIRE WHO STILL LIVES WITH
HIS MOTHER.
>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.
[ SNIFFS DEEPLY ]
LET'S GO.
>> Susie: HELLO?!
>> Chris: [ CLICKING TONGUE ]
ALL RIGHT.
>> Susie: NAMIBIAN RED-EYED
TARANTULAS -- THE LARGEST AND
RAREST TARANTULA IN THE WORLD.
AND THE DEADLIEST.
>> Chris: CREEPY.
>> Susie: [ CHUCKLES ]
>> THEY'RE NOT CREEPY.
AND NEITHER AM I.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> Chris: WE'RE U.S. MARSHALS.
AND WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE
THAT YOUR LIFE MAY BE IN DANGER.
>> [ SCOFFS ]
WELL...
WHEN YOU'RE THE WORLD'S MOST
SUCCESSFUL CREATOR OF
"TO-DO LIST" SOFTWARE, YOU CAN
EXPECT TO MAKE SOME ENEMIES.
IT'S A RISK I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE
WITH.
CAN I OFFER YOU SOME GINGER ALE?
>> Chris: I'LL TAKE A LIGHT
BEER, DOMESTIC, FROSTED MUG.
>> Brett: I'LL HAVE SOME LACTAID
AND SLICED BANANA.
>> I HAVE GINGER ALE.
>> Chris: THAT'LL BE FINE.
>> THAT WILL BE ALL, MOTHER.
>> Chris: WELL, I GOT TO HAND IT
TO YOU, PHIPPS.
YOU'VE REALLY GOT QUITE A RAD
PAD HERE.
>> YES, I DO.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY SUCCESS
WAS ALWAYS ON MY TO-DO LIST.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Chris: AND IT'S JUST YOU AND
THE MOTHER WHO LIVE HERE?
>> IF YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT A
WIFE, THE ANSWER IS NO.
>> Chris: OH.
WHAT ABOUT, UH [SLURPS]
GIRLFRIENDS?
>> NO.
WOMEN NEVER GOT NEIL PHIPPS.
>> Chris: WHAT A SHOCKER.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
>> Susie: HELLO?
REALLY? OKAY.
GOODBYE.
[ BEEP ]
THEY FOUND ANOTHER DEAD CREEP.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Chris: EH, SOMEBODY'S OFFING
CREEPS.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE HIS
NEXT TARGET.
>> WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M A
CREEP?!
>> Chris: WELL, IT'S PROBABLY
BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU ARE AND
THE THINGS YOU DO.
>> FINISH YOUR GINGER ALE AND
GET OUT!
>> Chris: [ SLURPS ]
[ GARGLING ]
WELL, I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE A
LOOK AT THAT CREEP'S CORPSE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO HANG
AROUND THE LADIES' CHANGING
ROOMS AT T.J. MAXX FOR A WHILE
AND THEN GO TO THE MORGUE?
>> Brett: ROGER THAT.
>> Susie: WHAT?
UH, YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.
I'M JUST GONNA CHECK SOME THINGS
OUT HERE.
[ SIGHS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ LIQUID BUBBLING ]
>> [ GASPS ]
HELP...ME!
>> Susie: GET OFF OF ME, YOU
CREEP!
>> HE WAS CUT OPEN IN THE SAME
PLACE AS THE OTHERS.
IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE ALL
MISSING THEIR GALLBLADDERS.
>> Chris: WHO CARES?
>> WELL, IT WAS RECENTLY
DISCOVERED THAT THE GALLBLADDER
SECRETES A CHEMICAL CALLED
RUX-40, OR CREEPATIN.
THIS GUY'S CREEPATIN LEVELS
SHOULD HAVE BEEN OFF THE CHARTS,
BUT THERE WAS NONE FOUND IN HIS
BODY.
>> Chris: LET ME SEE THAT.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
UH. OH, GEEZ.
[ GRUMBLES ]
[ SNORTS ]
OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
ALL RIGHT, UM...
LET ME GET A LOOK AT HIS PENIS.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> Brett: YEAH, I'D LIKE TO SEE
HIS PENIS, TOO, PLEASE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS ARE CREEPS.
[ CLICKING THROAT ]
>> Susie: DAMN IT, CHRIS.
WHERE ARE YOU?
[ SCOFFS ]
OHH.
CREEPY.
OH, MY...GOD.
]
SAM DRAKE?
HE'S THE HUNKIEST FIREMAN IN
TOWN.
IN TOWN,
PERIOD.
>> YOU CAN CALL ME SAMUEL.
SAMUEL?
>> Susie: [ GROANS ]
]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
>> Chief: SUSIE.
>> Susie: [ GASPS ]
>> Chief: [ Echoing ] GIVE US A
HUG.
>> Susie: [ GASPS ]
>> Chief: WHAT, ARE YOU TOO GOOD
FOR ME?!
>> Susie: CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT
THIS IS?
>> IT'S A MALE HORMONE THAT
PRODUCES CREEPINESS.
>> Susie: WHAT COULD SOMEONE DO
WITH GALLONS OF THIS STUFF?
>> THEY COULD POISON THE WATER
SUPPLY, TURN EVERY MAN IN THIS
TOWN INTO A CREEP.
>> Susie: WHERE DID CHRIS AND
BRETT GO?
>> OHH, I KICKED THOSE TWO
CREEPS OUT.
CREEPS?
PHIPPS MUST HAVE SLIPPED SOME
CREEPATIN INTO OUR DRINKS.
>> Chris: OOH, YEAH, THAT'S IT,
BABY.
DUST THAT SHELF.
OOH, YEAH. OOH!
MOVE THEM TCHOTCHKES AROUND.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT.
HEY!
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR
ME, MISS HOITY-TOITY?
GET BACK HERE!
>> Susie: CHRIS!
>> Chris: WHAT?!
>> Susie: HERE. DRINK THIS.
>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.
>> Susie: DO YOU WANT TO GO TO
THE LAUNDROMAT AND STEAL WOMEN'S
PANTIES?
>> Chris: NO. OF COURSE NOT.
WHOSE GLASSES ARE THESE?
>> Susie: NOW, WHERE'S BRETT?
>> Chris: HE MOVED IN TO HIS
MOTHER'S HOUSE.
>> Susie: WE BETTER HURRY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
HI!
>> BRETT! YOUR FRIENDS ARE HERE.
>> Brett: HEY, GUYS.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
MA AND I WERE JUST ABOUT TO TRY
ON OLD HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.
>> Susie: HERE. DRINK THIS.
IT'S THE ANTIDOTE TO THE
CREEPATIN.
PHIPPS PUT IT IN OUR GINGER ALE
LAST NIGHT.
HE'S GONNA POISON THE WHOLE TOWN
WITH IT AND TURN ALL THE MEN
INTO CREEPS SO HE CAN GET ALL
THE WOMEN.
WOMAN, AT LEAST.
>> Brett: WOW. THAT GUY'S SMART.
BUT I DIDN'T DRINK ANY OF THE
GINGER ALE.
I HATE GINGER ALE.
>> HE NEVER DRANK GINGER ALE!
>> Brett: LAY OFF ME, MA!
>> WHICH IS WHY...
[ WOMEN GIGGLING ]
...THIS DRAGON IS FIGHTING THIS
DRAGON.
[ WOMEN GIGGLING ]
>> Susie: NEIL PHIPPS!
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST ON FOUR
COUNTS OF FIRST-DEGREE
CREEPICIDE.
>> Chris: YOU ADDED YOUR NAME TO
THE MURDER LIST SO THAT WE'D
THINK YOU'D BE ONE OF THE
VICTIMS.
VERY INGENIOUS.
>> YOU GOT ME ALL WRONG,
MONSANTO.
I WAS SIMPLY AUTOGRAPHING WHAT I
CONSIDER MY MOST MASTERFUL TO-DO
LIST YET.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, THESE
FINE LADIES ARE ON MY OTHER
TO-DO LIST.
DO.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Susie: YOU GIRLS AREN'T
ATTRACTED TO HIM, ARE YOU?
>> HEY, COMPARED TO THE CREEPS
IN THIS TOWN, THIS GUY'S
JOHN STAMOS.
>> Susie: NEIL PHIPPS IS NO
JOHN STAMOS.
JOHN STAMOS!
ATTACK!
>> Brett: WHOA. HEY. HEY, NO.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ THUD ]
OH!
>> Susie: HERE'S ONE LAST THING
TO PUT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST,
PHIPPS -- "DIE."
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
>> YES!
BITE ME, MY CHILDREN!
BITE ME!
I'M COMING, JACKO!
[ Laughing ] I'M COMING!
[ CRUNCH ]
OHH!
>> Susie: SAMUEL, HI.
I BROUGHT THE ANTIDOTE TO THE
CREEPATIN SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE A CREEP ANYMORE.
>> NO, THANKS.
I THINK I'M GOING TO STAY A
CREEP.
I'M GOING OVER TO THE HIGH
SCHOOL TO WATCH THE GIRLS
SOCCER TEAM PRACTICE.
SEE YOU AROUND.
[ VAN DOOR CLOSES ]
>> Susie: GOODBYE, SAM DRAKE.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]