1
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,200
(Announcer to audience)
Thirty seconds and counting.
2
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,004
Power transfer is complete.
3
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,563
We're on internal power
with the launch vehicle at this time.
4
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,768
T minus 20 seconds and counting.
5
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,047
All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.
6
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,851
T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal.
7
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,689
Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...
8
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,004
Ignition sequence starts.
9
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:37,527
Six, five, four, three, two, one,
10
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:40,363
zero. All engines running.
11
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,282
Lift off! We have a lift off.
12
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,568
(Male narrator) And so in 1972,
13
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,522
the Atlas Centaur rocket
blasted off from our planet,
14
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,124
a four-stage rocket that launched a probe
15
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,248
way out into the blackness of space.
16
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,007
The probe would use the energy from the sun
17
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,209
and the gravitational pull
of our neighbouring planets
18
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,770
to cross our solar system.
19
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,247
That momentum would then carry it on
20
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,687
into the farthest reaches of the universe.
21
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,401
The mission, to find intelligent life
similar to ours
22
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,128
out there in deep space.
23
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,044
The probe carried a tablet
which had inscribed on it
24
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,646
the image of us humans, a man and a woman,
25
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,404
and a map to locate us in the universe.
26
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,843
Stage four disconnects and our probe
is fired on its long journey.
27
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,562
The world wished it bon voyage
28
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,765
and may it find a friend out there
29
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,524
in deep space.
30
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,480
(Crowd clapping)
31
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,603
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
32
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,805
Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.
33
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,480
Thank you, nice to see you.
34
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,168
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
35
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,766
When I interviewed Neil Clarke
for The Book Programme,
36
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,410
I knew he was extraordinary.
37
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,291
Now, with the publication
of his brilliant novel,
38
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,249
reviewers agree he's joined the ranks
39
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,004
of Britain's immortals.
40
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,570
Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
41
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,086
(Crowd applauding)
42
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,811
Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off
by asking you
43
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,811
how did you manage such amazing
insight into the soul of modern man
44
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,531
and how do you know
what men and women really want,
45
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,047
just really the whole relationship
between humanity and the cosmos?
46
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,250
Yeah, well,
I think I probably achieved that
47
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,006
- by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
- (Dog barks)
48
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,808
Um, I studied its flaws,
49
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,406
its potential, its urgent needs.
50
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,000
I listened to its cries for help...
51
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,764
- (Dog yelping)
- (Glasses shattering)
52
00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:26,209
...and its yelps of anguish and, um, I...
53
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,249
- (Dogs barking)
- I spent five long years
54
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:34,008
in a book which I hoped would throw open
the doors of human perception
55
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,926
and allow us to be engulfed
in a sense of our own futility.
56
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,124
- (Crowd clamouring)
- (Neil) Sorry about this, it's...
57
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,123
- (Alarm ringing)
- (Neil screaming)
58
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,522
(Screaming) Get off! Down!
59
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:49,411
- Ah!
- (Dog barking in distance)
60
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,401
- (Doorbell ringing)
- (Dog continues barking)
61
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,890
Oh, God.
62
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,206
Go watch TV.
63
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,130
Your dog is barking.
64
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,448
My dog was barking
because you rang the doorbell.
65
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,288
I rang the doorbell
because your dog was barking.
66
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,604
Your lease says no pets.
67
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,887
Well, he is a guide dog.
68
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,406
You're not blind.
69
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,051
I prefer the term "optically challenged".
70
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,044
You're not optically challenged, either.
71
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,248
Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.
I mean, I don't...
72
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,847
(Hissing) If you don't
control your bloody dog,
73
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:31,288
I am going to get it sent
to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?
74
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,366
- Hmm?
- All right.
75
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,760
Come on, Dennis,
let's go and evacuate your bowels.
76
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,241
Come on, Dennis.
77
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,768
- Come on.
- (Dennis barks)
78
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,205
- Hi, Neil.
- Hi, Catherine.
79
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,648
Hey, it's funny,
I was just dreaming about you.
80
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,366
Really?
81
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,647
Yeah, you were presenting me
with an award for my novel.
82
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,206
Oh, did you deserve it?
83
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,609
Well, I was proud but humble.
84
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,323
Have you finished it,
actually, in real life?
85
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,088
Absolutely, almost, yeah.
86
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,481
Cos last spring you were on chapter...
87
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,881
Yeah, I've renumbered them.
In fact, I've removed them.
88
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,041
- Oh.
- Yeah.
89
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,646
I find the whole concept of chapters
just gets in the way so...
90
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,641
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
91
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,649
I want reading it to be like being
sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
92
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,444
- Like going on Facebook.
- (Neil) Like Facebook, yeah.
93
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,806
(Clearing throat) That's a good one.
94
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,801
"Like being sucked into a giant vortex."
95
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,521
Dennis, why do you let me
say things like this, hey?
96
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:40,806
Come on.
97
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,405
Hmm. Mmm?
98
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,610
Ah.
99
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,451
(Speaking alien language)
100
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,250
(All laughing)
101
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,882
- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.
- No, I can't, Neil.
102
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,200
- Yeah, but it can't lose.
- No.
103
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,967
Look, I guarantee you
a 50% return on your money
104
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,411
before the end of classes today.
105
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,090
So when do you make your move on
Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?
106
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:36,370
Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit
literal-minded, no foresight.
107
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,966
Whereas me,
I can see for miles into the future.
108
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,524
A man needs a woman, Neil.
109
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,285
- I've got Dennis.
- Dennis is male.
110
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,049
And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
111
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,685
(School bell ringing)
112
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,241
Yeah, well,
I don't want to complicate my life.
113
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,566
This is a tenner!
114
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,846
Walk!
115
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,489
(Speaking alien language)
116
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,726
(Computer) Accessing representative images
of earthlings.
117
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,763
(Nasty Alien speaking)
118
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,131
Communication will be carried on in the
language of the species to be judged.
119
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,202
(Speaking French)
120
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,850
I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
121
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,684
(Speaking French)
122
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:48,841
- (Radio static hums)
- Ah.
123
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,844
- Is that better, Kylie?
- Understanding you now, Sharon.
124
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:56,528
By the power invested in me by
the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
125
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,605
I hereby pronounce
a destruction order on the planet Earth.
126
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,890
With great respect, Sharon,
we should not pronounce a destruction order
127
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,522
before we've given these earthlings
a chance to prove themselves.
128
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,491
(Groaning) They've penetrated
intergalactic space.
129
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,800
(Chief Alien) Maureen is right.
130
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,004
They're clearly not a superior species.
131
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,330
Look at the way they copulate.
132
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,281
- (Groaning in disgust)
- If these earthlings
133
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:26,410
can convince us that they are superior beings,
then they may join our society.
134
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,409
If they cannot, we must eliminate them,
135
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,081
for the moral well-being of the entire
Intergalactic Community.
136
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,083
Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
137
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,321
Not at all, Miss Barker.
138
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,804
No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
139
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,723
No, I don't want to see you, either.
140
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,121
We had a great time last
summer but it's over.
141
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,931
What part of over do you not understand?
142
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,690
Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
143
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,966
These questions of yours
make it sound as if I thought
144
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,407
this bloody author
can string two words together.
145
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,086
But he can. It's a wonderful book.
146
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,130
Darling, didn't you read the memo?
We're doing a demolition job.
147
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,851
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.
148
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,321
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.
149
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,450
I want ten new questions,
please, before noon.
150
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,282
Don't you know? She never reads the books.
She hates books.
151
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,371
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?
152
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,965
I spy trouble. Just...
153
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,162
Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
154
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,720
but that's what people tune in to see.
155
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,844
Not books, not authors, God forbid,
156
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,929
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.
157
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,448
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.
158
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,170
Books are finished.
159
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,722
Our job is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,
160
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,326
with a thin veneer of
literary respectability.
161
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,408
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?
162
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:58,527
Exactly.
163
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,484
For God's sake, smile.
164
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,091
(Sobbing softly)
165
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,325
(Sobbing continues)
166
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,089
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
167
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,487
What?
168
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,651
The price of pickles.
Don't even look at the marinated herring.
169
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,245
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
170
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:39,566
I didn't want them, anyway.
171
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,041
Thanks.
172
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,120
Um, I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
173
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,330
She's gone.
174
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,451
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.
175
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,486
One earthling will be chosen randomly,
176
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:11,082
as defined by
the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
177
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,004
Page 56. paragraph B.
178
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,569
Uh, page 56, paragraph D.
179
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,010
Uh, right.
180
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:24,247
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.
181
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,329
How will they prove it?
182
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,529
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.
183
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,570
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.
184
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,441
What if he uses his power for evil?
185
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,691
The Earth will be eliminated.
186
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,330
But if he uses it for good?
187
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,244
Then we welcome them
to the Intergalactic Community.
188
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,560
Are we ready, gentlemen?
189
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,131
(Computer) Commencing random
selection of earthlings.
190
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,811
Processing...
191
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,401
Processing...
192
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,640
Earthling.
193
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,440
(Chief Alien) Jolly good!
194
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,086
Wait!
195
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,400
(Computer) Selected.
196
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,405
(All groaning)
197
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,770
The earthling has ten days to prove
he can use absolute power for good
198
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,002
rather than for evil.
199
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:15,801
(Tyres screeching)
200
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:17,521
(Screams)
201
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,281
God.
202
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,766
(Groaning)
203
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:31,961
Fuck you!
204
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:38,920
(Exclaiming)
205
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:47,324
All they want me to do is help them
sneer at people who write wonderful books.
206
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,728
Well, my producer just wants me
to dig up dirt on Amenhotep III.
207
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,201
I keep telling them he had a kind nature
208
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,406
and lovely hands.
209
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,489
I would have loved to spend
an evening with Amenhotep III.
210
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,007
Yeah, except he's been dead
4,000 years, Rosie,
211
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,725
and he'd spend all day long
talking about embalming.
212
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,842
Well, find me a good one
that's still breathing.
213
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,848
(Sighs) Tell me about it.
214
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,365
What about Grant?
215
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,887
Oh, well, Colonel Grant
turned out to have issues.
216
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,770
- Issues?
- Yeah, like being clinically insane.
217
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,611
Shame.
218
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,170
Maybe that's overstating it.
219
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:25,290
Uh, just obsessive, possessive
and pathologically jealous.
220
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,206
What about him upstairs?
221
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,287
Oh, he tried to cheer me up
in the supermarket.
222
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,964
Oh, so he's gay?
223
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,201
What?
224
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,168
Well, he's sympathetic,
interested, available.
225
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:42,611
- That's the way life works.
- No, he's not gay.
226
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,168
He's... very likeable.
227
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,003
Mr Clarke.
228
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,201
Hi.
229
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,125
This is the twelfth time
you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.
230
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,645
Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.
231
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:24,203
Yesterday you had food poisoning.
Friday you thought it was Saturday.
232
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,246
Monday you forgot to put
your clock forward.
233
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,367
Oh, everybody does that.
234
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,491
Week last Wednesday it seems you had
an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
235
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,130
Yeah, I showed you the picture.
236
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,684
That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
237
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,800
(Stammering) Well, he's a great man.
238
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,011
Great enough to appear in photographs
when he's dead.
239
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,329
You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,
240
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,410
you are idle and you are feckless.
241
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,006
Feckless?
242
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,568
Yes, you are without feck.
243
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,444
If I could replace you, I would.
244
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,364
Yeah, well, so would I.
245
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,364
I just don't have anybody
to replace me with.
246
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,809
(Children shrieking)
247
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,846
(Muffled shouting)
248
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,804
(Signs)
249
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,524
You a big skier?
250
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,166
Well, I've had my moments.
251
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:35,481
(Giggles)
252
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,360
Hello, gorgeous.
253
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,081
How about cocktails for two this evening?
Go halves?
254
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,329
Drop dead, Ray.
255
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,404
All right. Think about
it and get back to me.
256
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,561
Knob.
257
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,641
- Neil?
- Yeah.
258
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,805
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
259
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:59,204
Hello, Neil, love.
Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?
260
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,726
I will have the roast headmaster,
please, Mrs B.
261
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,131
(Chuckles) You are a one.
262
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,643
- There you go.
- Thank you.
263
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:10,486
Uh, I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.
264
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,928
You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.
As long as you don't eat it.
265
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,690
No, I mean, if you could
make anything you want happen,
266
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,205
what would it be?
267
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,250
I would make Dennis regurgitate
my notes from chapter three.
268
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:32,281
(vomiting)
269
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,800
If you could make
something impossible happen.
270
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,690
Intact.
271
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,004
What if you could make someone
worship the ground you walked on?
272
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,965
(Chuckles) What, even if she thought
you were a little shit?
273
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,121
Come on, Ray.
274
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,600
That would be taking an unfair advantage
of an innocent girl.
275
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,363
OK, but suppose
there was one thing you could do
276
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,160
that would change your life for the better?
277
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,966
Oh, that's easy.
I would make alien spaceships destroy 10C.
278
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,761
(Spaceship whirring)
279
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,806
(Laser beam firing)
280
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,520
- (Explosion)
- (People shrieking)
281
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,720
That sounded like it was in the school.
282
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,720
- (Alarm ringing)
- Out of the way! Out of the way!
283
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,365
Stand back, stand back.
Stand back, stand back.
284
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,646
Now, just stay calm.
285
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,684
(All gasping)
286
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,171
(Neil) Oh, my God!
287
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,606
Who was that?
288
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:35,760
It was the Salubrious Gat
of Galaxy G946 WOT.
289
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,850
Gat, what do you think you're doing?
290
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,445
Just practising, Sharon.
291
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,209
We haven't done the judicial review yet.
We may not want to destroy this species.
292
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,886
Who are you kidding?
293
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:53,649
445,349,722 new alien species encountered.
294
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,406
Number granted membership
295
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,290
of the Intergalactic Community
of Superior Beings?
296
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,681
Zero.
297
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,486
We have high standards.
298
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,125
You know you're going to wipe them out.
299
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,163
It all depends on the earthling.
300
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,683
(Newsreader) And signs of a recovery
seem as far away as ever.
301
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,361
(Dennis barks)
302
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:17,970
Hey.
303
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,121
Hello, Dennis.
304
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,847
Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?
305
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,121
We can now go live
to our reporter Brenda Emmanus
306
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,770
at the scene of the incident.
307
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,050
It was here
at Kinbrook Comprehensive School
308
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,410
that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
309
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,521
A police spokesman said they
could not rule out a terrorist attack
310
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,400
but say there were no
connections with reports
311
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,284
of a UFO sighting in the area.
312
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,805
The head teacher, Mr Robert...
313
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,407
(Signs)
314
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,486
(Barks)
315
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,444
Oh, sure, Dennis,
it was an alien spaceship.
316
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,767
(Barks)
317
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,842
(Scoffs) What are you talking about?
318
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,042
If I could make
an alien spaceship destroy 10C,
319
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,521
then I wouldn't be farting around
with this, would I?
320
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,925
- (Barking)
- I'd just say,
321
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,650
"Dog mess, clean yourself up."
322
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:05,847
(Dennis barking)
323
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,611
See?
324
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,121
(Toilet flushing)
325
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,481
It's just shock.
326
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,089
It's just post-hallucination shock.
That's all it is.
327
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,849
I mean, it couldn't have been
an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
328
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,163
- I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have.
- (Barking)
329
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,641
Oh, my God.
330
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,406
(Whispers) That's my notes.
331
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,080
- (Knocks bottle)
- Ah, damn it!
332
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,165
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
333
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:24,646
(Laughs incredulously)
334
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,480
See? You see?
There's nothing. It's nothing.
335
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,964
There was nothing. It's nothing.
336
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,530
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
337
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,691
(Breathing shakily)
338
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,286
(Gasps)
339
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:39,926
Oh, my God.
340
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,330
I have to wave my hand.
341
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,609
Whisky, exchange yourself
for another bottle, a single malt.
342
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,844
- Hey, come back!
- (Dennis barking)
343
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,722
(Dennis barking)
344
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,326
Door, open quick.
345
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:26,681
(Grunts)
346
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,411
Not that quick.
347
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,450
I didn't mean go back to the shop
to get exchanged!
348
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,681
It's closed.
349
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,800
(Glass shattering)
350
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,128
- (Security alarm ringing)
- Oh, shit.
351
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,566
(Screams)
352
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,289
- Gotcha!
- (Grunting) Help me, Dennis!
353
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:54,646
- Priority.
- Help me!
354
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:56,646
(Screaming)
355
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,131
- (Barking)
- Shh, Dennis, be quiet.
356
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,521
- (Helicopter hovering)
- Oh, shit.
357
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:16,846
(Exclaims)
358
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,560
- All right, laddie. You're nicked.
- (Police sirens)
359
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,524
Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.
360
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,881
Oh, yuck! Chumzy!
361
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,487
You say one word about this, Constable,
you'll be on community relations.
362
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:45,240
(Groaning)
363
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:49,930
Oh, my God. 10C!
364
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,082
Uh, let everyone who died be alive again.
365
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:09,646
(Shrieking)
366
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:14,925
(All screaming)
367
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:26,966
(Distant moaning)
368
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,120
Oh, God.
369
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,487
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I meant everybody in 10C be alive again!
370
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,324
Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever.
Are you crazy?
371
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:46,961
Shit. Shit.
372
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,646
And everybody who died in
the bomb blast that is alive again,
373
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,966
be completely uninjured.
374
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,051
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
375
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,563
Uh, OK, me feel better.
376
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,206
Oh, that's better.
377
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,165
Me have a really good idea
about what to do next.
378
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,401
Oh, that's a good idea.
379
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,091
Um, let the explosion never have happened.
380
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,164
No, I mean, if you could make
anything you wanted happen,
381
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,043
what would it be?
382
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,241
I'm sorry, what?
383
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,683
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
384
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,243
That's very weird.
I think I just dreamt that I could.
385
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,367
What?
386
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,330
Do anything. I dreamt that I could just
wave my hand and say such-and-such
387
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,486
and it would happen.
388
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:25,921
So what did you do?
389
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,843
I made alien spaceships destroy 10C.
390
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,081
Good thinking.
391
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,046
I would make Dorothy Pringle
worship the ground I walked on.
392
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,166
(Scoffs) You wouldn't be so cruel.
393
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,967
(Fenella) Hello and welcome to Book News,
394
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,924
the show where you get to know
what books are coming to you
395
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,849
and authors get what's coming to them.
396
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,884
What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?
397
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,891
Why do writers' photographs always
show them looking ten years younger?
398
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,526
You've come to the right place to find out.
399
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,444
Our first guest tonight
is Mortimer Stanley,
400
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,889
whose latest novel is entitled
What You See With Your Eyes Open.
401
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,202
Mortimer, your last novel
was published nearly ten years ago.
402
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,564
It got what they call "mixed reviews"
and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
403
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,721
What possessed you to write another one?
404
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,728
Well, my wife was dying.
405
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,645
You were estranged, weren't you?
406
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:25,770
Well, yes, but on her deathbed,
she urged me to write another book.
407
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,405
Knowing that she would
never have to read it?
408
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:28,487
- (Chuckles)
- Well...
409
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:32,440
Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell
her about his shoplifting conviction.
410
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,927
Well, he was 14, James.
It's got nothing to do with his book.
411
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,724
Well, neither has the show, Cath.
412
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,083
Listen, what upsets Fenella about you
is your integrity.
413
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,968
But me, I quite like it.
414
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,610
Play your cards right,
you could get your own office
415
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,085
with a bigger desk and a view.
416
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:51,400
(Tapping on window)
417
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:53,961
Um...
418
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,603
Sorry. Excuse me one second.
419
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,720
Mind you, you've gotta
play your cards right.
420
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,211
- What the hell are you doing here?
- (Chuckles)
421
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,601
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Please go away.
422
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,331
That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.
423
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:13,161
This is a wonderful opportunity
for you to get to know the real me.
424
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:14,850
Well... I'm calling security.
425
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,440
No, not just the charming,
high-flying military strategist.
426
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,443
Hello, security?
427
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,360
Not the inventor of extreme
rendition, either.
428
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,488
Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.
429
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,491
Or the mastermind behind
warrantless domestic surveillance.
430
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,443
Just a humble officer who adores you.
431
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,644
OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me...
432
00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,885
Like? Like? What do you think,
I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?
433
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:45,205
Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.
434
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,841
OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you.
435
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:50,731
I don't even really like you.
436
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,725
So that's why I'm asking you
to just go away and leave me alone.
437
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,369
- So there's some hope?
- No, no, no. There's no hope.
438
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,651
Cath, I came all the way to England
to see you.
439
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:03,524
Doesn't that show you
how much I care about you?
440
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,167
No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
Obsession's not a quality that I admire.
441
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,480
Really?
442
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,322
I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
443
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,209
You work for the BBC, don't you?
444
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,206
I do.
445
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,246
You know who ultimately controls
the British Broadcasting Corporation?
446
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,362
A little guy that used to work
down the hall from me
447
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,402
at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
448
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,048
And he did it in his spare time.
449
00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:40,770
I'll catch you later, honey.
(Clicks tongue)
450
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:51,364
It was a party. I was doing a documentary.
I was drunk.
451
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:53,251
Judging me.
452
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,369
(School bell rings)
453
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:04,050
(Groaning) Oh, God.
454
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,723
(Crashing in classroom)
455
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:19,483
(Sighs) Let 10C become a model class,
kind and considerate.
456
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:20,800
Oh, and eager to learn.
457
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:22,764
(Classroom quiets down)
458
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,607
- Good afternoon, 10C.
- Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
459
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:41,322
Um, could you all turn to page 73,
please, and read the entire chapter?
460
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,488
- What, the whole chapter?
- Yes.
461
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,967
- Oh, good.
- How exciting!
462
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:47,844
He's letting us read the whole chapter!
463
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,527
- (Girl) Great.
- Well, you get on with it, then.
464
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:00,446
(School bell rings)
465
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,889
(inaudible)
466
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,371
Let the headmaster
be nice to me for a change.
467
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:21,760
(Headmaster) And what you did
with the guitar quite beggars belief.
468
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:23,450
That is not how Kumbaya goes.
469
00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:25,881
Neil. So good to see you!
470
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,009
I love what you're wearing.
It really does, it's just a great ensemble.
471
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,969
So similar to what you were wearing before.
472
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,163
But your laissez-faire attitude
to work is a great counterpoint
473
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,804
to my by-the-book approach.
474
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,320
Great having you on the staff, Neil.
475
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,328
- Thank you.
- Right.
476
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:40,407
(Softly) Yeah!
477
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:44,009
He must love you an awful lot
to fly across the Atlantic.
478
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,321
No, he just can't bear losing anything.
479
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,850
As far as Grant's concerned,
I'm just a piece of lost property
480
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,004
he wants to retrieve
and put back on his mantelpiece.
481
00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,321
He was really scary. Crazy.
482
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,160
I had a boyfriend like that once.
483
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:00,960
The sort who wouldn't
take no for an answer.
484
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,525
Did you? What happened?
485
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:04,170
- I married him.
- (Laughing)
486
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:09,001
Mr Eriksson, you know the romance
languages, French, Italian...
487
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,844
Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.
488
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:12,960
Well, I was wondering
how they got their name?
489
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:16,527
- It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome.
- It's from the Latin.
490
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,851
So it's just a coincidence
that they sound so romantic?
491
00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,571
(Eriksson) Actually, I'm thinking
of switching to economics.
492
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:25,251
- Oh. (Giggling)
- (Laughing)
493
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:27,045
He is...
494
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,282
Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
495
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:38,804
(Breath trembling) Ray.
496
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:42,881
(Blows whistle)
497
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:48,406
(Laughing)
498
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,088
I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything.
499
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:07,966
Yeah.
500
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,083
Me be President of the United States.
501
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:18,446
Hmm.
502
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:20,081
That's funny.
503
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,005
Me be President of the United States.
504
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,604
- Thank God we found you, sir.
- Sorry?
505
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,200
We've been looking for you everywhere.
506
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,446
- (Guns firing)
- Oh, my God!
507
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,642
Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!
508
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,847
Move, move, move! Move!
509
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:36,091
(Tyres squealing)
510
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,406
I am sorry about that, Mr President.
511
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:44,604
Now, here are the briefing papers
for Syria, the deficit,
512
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,530
Israel and the Middle East,
China, global warming,
513
00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,849
unemployment and the
Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
514
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,284
- They're shooting!
- (Screaming)
515
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,806
(Neil) Me be my old self at home!
516
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:58,361
(Tyres screeching)
517
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:05,882
I can do anything.
518
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,963
OK, but what do I really want?
519
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:16,166
(Chuckles)
520
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,289
Give me a really big dick.
521
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:20,966
(Screams) Ouch!
522
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,808
Ouch, not that big, obviously!
523
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,402
Just... Dick, return to the old size.
524
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,170
Oh!
525
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:31,651
(Groaning)
526
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:37,366
OK, um... Let me have a penis
that women find exciting.
527
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:42,249
Yeah, it's good, yeah.
Can I have it in white?
528
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:44,725
Right, OK, um...
529
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,684
Let me have a really great body.
530
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,366
(Gasps) Wow.
531
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:53,207
No.
532
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:56,729
Um, no, look, no, look,
give me the body of a great man.
533
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,206
What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein.
534
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,362
Let me have the great body of a man.
535
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:09,041
(Exhales)
536
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,204
Me be able to see
Catherine from downstairs, now.
537
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,480
Shit.
538
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:31,641
(Shrieks)
539
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:34,565
Let me not be able to see her.
540
00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:36,809
No, I don't mean me go blind.
541
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,768
Let me be able to see
but floor be as it was.
542
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:45,246
(Catherine shrieking)
543
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:49,006
Uh, Catherine from downstairs,
forget what just happened.
544
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:50,641
(Signs)
545
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:58,650
(Neil) Move out of the way.
546
00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:00,609
Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.
547
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,527
- Um. Ray?
- Hmm?
548
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:18,925
You know earlier on we were talking
about being able to do anything?
549
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,968
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, well, um...
550
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:27,330
This is going to sound kind of stupid
but suddenly I can.
551
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:30,330
- Can what?
- Do anything.
552
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:31,646
Just make things happen.
553
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,367
Things that shouldn't happen,
I just wave my hand and they do.
554
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,166
(Chuckles) You feeling OK?
555
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:40,849
Yeah, um, just look.
556
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,126
You, tell us who you were.
557
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,564
You'll never believe this
but I was a conjuror!
558
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,487
I went by the name of The Great Alfredo.
559
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,289
Real name was Reg Hoskins.
560
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,566
I did variety, clubs,
private parties, the lot.
561
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:01,520
What is this?
3D projection or something, right?
562
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,968
(Sighs) Course, it's all gone now.
563
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,365
- I blame the wogs.
- Hey!
564
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,483
All that black minstrel stuff.
565
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:09,206
Once they started allowing that...
566
00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:10,560
That's not me, that's what I'm saying.
It's...
567
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,484
Jews took over the business.
It was never the same again.
568
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,164
Just go and jump out the window.
569
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,529
Right-o. Watch this.
570
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:19,321
(Glass shatters)
571
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,207
What...
572
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,251
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
573
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,242
I could swear it was the skeleton talking.
574
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:39,891
- Yeah, it was.
- OK.
575
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,566
Let me see you do another one.
576
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:43,525
Well, what? I can't think of anything.
577
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,526
Oh, come on.
You know, how about some flowers?
578
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,363
Bunch of flowers in my hand.
579
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:54,081
It's pathetic.
How about room be covered in flowers?
580
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:56,886
Come on, Ray.
581
00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:00,208
Ray. Think of something more imaginative.
582
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:01,964
(Footsteps approaching)
583
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:05,647
Bloody hell, Palmer.
Did you just throw this out the window?
584
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,327
Neil. Did you throw this out the window?
585
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:09,646
That's very funny.
586
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:12,240
What are you doing here?
Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you.
587
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:14,646
(Whispers) Oh, my God.
588
00:38:17,720 --> 00:38:20,087
This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.
589
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:21,881
(Neil) Told you.
590
00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:24,447
You know what? We could own a racehorse.
591
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,724
Ray, we could own
every racehorse in the world.
592
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:29,921
No shit.
593
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,810
(indistinct commentary over loudspeaker)
594
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,605
(Crowd cheers)
595
00:38:38,880 --> 00:38:41,531
- We win every time?
- They're all ours.
596
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,887
Let's forget about the horses.
597
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:46,922
We could have anything, Neil.
598
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,571
Wealth, fame. Women.
599
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,890
We could make any woman
fall in love with us.
600
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,526
Neil, any woman we want.
601
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,844
(Woman) Goodnight, Catherine.
See you later.
602
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:06,124
Jump in, babe.
603
00:39:06,320 --> 00:39:08,607
Kerb crawling is illegal
in this country, Grant.
604
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,605
That doesn't really apply to people
with my security clearance.
605
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:13,400
Besides, how else are
you going to get home?
606
00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:14,930
On the Tube. Go away.
607
00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:18,602
The London Underground is worse than
anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
608
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,291
- You don't deserve that.
- No, I don't deserve this, either.
609
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:24,011
- Please, leave me alone.
- OK, OK, I get it.
610
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,640
But you gotta let me down gently, huh?
611
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,321
What does that mean?
612
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,040
Well, there's somebody else, right?
613
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,442
No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
614
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:33,727
It's...
615
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:36,330
You and I are not compatible.
616
00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:41,124
So, we could grab some
coffee, sit and talk.
617
00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:44,000
What would that even achieve?
There's nothing to talk about.
618
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:47,201
Except for the luxury
apartment I rented for us.
619
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,880
It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.
620
00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:52,811
Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
621
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,324
- Here's the key.
- I don't want it.
622
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:57,166
And when I get you up there,
623
00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:00,164
you're going to think you died
and went to heaven.
624
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:01,641
- (Engine revving)
- (Grant laughing)
625
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:02,921
(Whooping)
626
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,088
(I Meditative music playing)
627
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:37,681
(Groans)
628
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:40,284
- Fuck Grant.
- Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.
629
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:41,691
Fuck Grant.
630
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:49,006
Fuck James Cleverill.
631
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:56,569
Fuck all TV producers.
632
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:58,921
Especially ones that say
you can sleep with them.
633
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,969
But if I play my cards right.
634
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:02,201
(Both laughing)
635
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,249
Why do I always end up
with the control freaks?
636
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,845
- Or gays.
- Yeah.
637
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,608
- Who?
- Him upstairs.
638
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:20,850
Oh, honey, he's not gay.
639
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:24,366
He's attractive. He's kind.
640
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,445
Well, then, fuck him.
641
00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:29,564
- No, he's nice.
- No, I don't mean fuck him.
642
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,240
I mean fuck him.
643
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,288
- You mean fuck him?
- Yeah.
644
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,928
- What, right now?
- No, not now.
645
00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:45,560
You've got to let me do your make-up first.
646
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:46,926
(Laughing)
647
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:52,691
(Computer) Malfunction.
Galactic power failure.
648
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:56,091
Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.
649
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,441
- What?
- This is on the blink, Sharon.
650
00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,287
The earthling won't have galactic power
until I get it working again.
651
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:03,680
Botheration!
652
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:07,681
I thought our galactic powers
meant we could do anything?
653
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:15,771
Catherine from downstairs,
be madly in love with me.
654
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:16,847
(Doorbell rings)
655
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:18,206
That was quick.
656
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:24,085
- Hi.
- Hi.
657
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,567
- Um, you're not gay, are you?
- No, no.
658
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:38,483
- Let's go to bed.
- OK.
659
00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:44,851
(Grant) Oh, shit!
660
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:48,331
Ow, my leg!
661
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,002
(Electricity crackling)
662
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:54,320
Got it.
663
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:58,567
(Computer) Galactic power
now returning to earthling.
664
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:02,606
(Alarm ringing)
665
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:14,765
(Neil reading)
666
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:20,001
(Chuckles)
667
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:21,844
(Thunder rumbling)
668
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:33,411
Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
669
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,769
I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles
right this moment.
670
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,486
It's the middle of the night,
for crying out loud.
671
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:43,887
Weather, be like it usually is
672
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:46,207
in Los Angeles during the day.
673
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:49,369
So pedantic.
674
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:52,807
(Signs)
675
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,201
All right.
676
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,449
Clothes, get dressed on me.
677
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:02,127
(Laughs)
678
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:05,765
And smarten yourselves up.
679
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:07,647
Better.
680
00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:12,287
(Laughing)
681
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:15,925
(Humming)
682
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:29,807
(Ray sighs)
683
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,445
Miss Pringle, this really...
684
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:35,840
has to stop.
685
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:39,369
- Oh, Lord.
- (All) Oh, Lord.
686
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:44,761
(Chuckling)
687
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:46,922
Yeah. (Chuckles)
688
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,282
Ah. OK.
689
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:53,047
That was a very interesting... Ow! Ow!
690
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:54,770
Could you just stop that, please?
691
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:58,282
You, stop tapping.
Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...
692
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,368
Right, what's next? (Clears throat)
693
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:03,440
- (Sniffing)
- Ooh.
694
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:06,051
This one's in German. Wow.
695
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,489
Let me be able to understand German.
696
00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,642
(Speaking German)
697
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:17,207
- (Barking)
- What are you talking about, Dennis?
698
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:20,124
- (Barking)
- Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this.
699
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,241
- (Barking)
- She's not going to ask me to marry her.
700
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:26,722
- (Barking)
- Or have my children, OK?
701
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,849
- (Barking)
- Dennis, what are you talking about?
702
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,166
(Barking)
703
00:45:33,240 --> 00:45:35,163
That's a good idea, actually.
What are you talking about?
704
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,561
Dennis, be able to talk.
705
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:37,926
Biscuits.
706
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:41,928
- What?
- Biscuits.
707
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,526
Maybe if I make her fall in love with me
like a little bit, you know,
708
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:46,051
so she doesn't want to marry me
709
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,400
- but she would have sex on a regular...
- Biscuits.
710
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:50,491
- For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard.
- What are?
711
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:53,690
Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.
712
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:55,762
- Nothing else matters.
- Is that all you think about?
713
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:57,604
Yes, yes! Biscuits.
714
00:45:57,680 --> 00:45:59,091
(whimpering)
715
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:03,287
All right, Dennis,
become a rational, thinking creature.
716
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:06,844
Look, I just can't concentrate on anything
until I've had one of those biscuits.
717
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,960
I know it's crazy but that's how it is.
I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.
718
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:11,843
So please give me just one biscuit,
719
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,531
then I'll be able to think
about something else.
720
00:46:15,240 --> 00:46:16,366
That makes sense.
721
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,841
Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits!
He's getting them! This is it!
722
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:19,967
Yeah!
723
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:24,203
He's got them. (Barking)
724
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:27,568
He's got them. He's going to throw one.
Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.
725
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:29,768
Ah! Mmm. Mmm.
726
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:36,083
God, it must be terrible being a dog.
I never realised you had so many cravings.
727
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,726
- It's no worse than you and that bitch.
- What bitch?
728
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:40,922
The bitch you were shagging last night.
729
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:45,329
Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, OK?
She's a lovely human female.
730
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:46,561
And we weren't just shagging.
731
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,246
Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't
mind shagging your leg right now.
732
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:51,480
A little leg dance, huh?
Just above the sock. (Laughing)
733
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:53,289
- Ah...
- How about it? Come on, Daddy. (Laughing)
734
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:56,244
I thought I turned you into
a rational, thinking creature.
735
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:58,807
Rational, thinking creatures
still have desires.
736
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:00,924
(Chuckles) Oh, well,
we can soon deal with that.
737
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,240
(Barking) No!
738
00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:05,643
- No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
- Why not?
739
00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:09,167
They're what makes my life worth living.
Biscuits, shagging.
740
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:11,567
I don't think I like your conversation.
741
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:14,490
But I worship you, master.
I love you so much.
742
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:16,170
- I can't bear displeasing you.
- I... I know.
743
00:47:16,240 --> 00:47:17,810
- My whole world collapses...
- I know. Yes. I love you.
744
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:18,921
...when you're cross with me.
745
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:20,166
Look, maybe it was better
when you didn't talk.
746
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:23,483
Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech
now that I can think rationally.
747
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:24,965
That would be so cruel.
748
00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:26,366
(Doorbell ringing)
749
00:47:26,440 --> 00:47:27,805
- I heard the bell. Somebody at the door.
- OK, no...
750
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:29,763
- The bell! Hey! The bell!
- No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.
751
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:30,921
- Hello, the bell!
- Dennis... Dennis.
752
00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:32,086
- Hey, hey, somebody.
- Just... Just quiet.
753
00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:34,362
There it goes again.
Hey, hey, somebody at the door.
754
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,169
Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?
755
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,248
No, just... Just be quiet.
Do you understand me?
756
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:42,165
Yes. Yes, anything to stop you
being angry with me.
757
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:43,810
- (Doorbell ringing)
- The bell! There it goes again!
758
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,086
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
759
00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:47,248
Dennis, listen. Just listen,
listen, listen, listen.
760
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:49,169
Be quiet. That is an order.
761
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:51,442
Right. Quiet.
762
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,290
I like obeying orders,
especially your orders.
763
00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,165
Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up.
764
00:47:57,280 --> 00:47:59,760
Right, right. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, right.
765
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:01,165
(Doorbell ringing)
766
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:04,281
Good boy.
767
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:14,808
Oh, God, I made her do it.
I made her do it... I... OK. (Clears throat)
768
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:18,128
- Hi.
- Hey. (Laughing)
769
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:21,004
- Can I come in?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
770
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:27,126
- So, look, um, about last night...
- Yes.
771
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:29,441
- Is this a bad time?
- No, no. No, no.
772
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:31,448
OK. Um, I just... I don't want you to think
773
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:34,802
that I, um, do that sort
of thing all the time
774
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:37,411
because... Because I don't.
(Laughing nervously)
775
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:40,324
- Um... I was slightly drunk.
- Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.
776
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:42,323
Otherwise we probably wouldn't have
done the thing with the...
777
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:44,010
- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.
- ...beard trimmer.
778
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:48,045
I mean, I like you.
I, um, I've always really enjoyed talking to you.
779
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:51,562
I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped
on you like that if I hadn't...
780
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:56,041
- Been pissed as a newt?
- Well, sort of.
781
00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:58,965
Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it.
It never... It never happened.
782
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:00,809
No, no, no, that's not
what I'm saying, Neil.
783
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:03,522
Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?
784
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:05,690
(Dennis) Shag her, Neil!
785
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:07,644
That's Dennis.
786
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:12,210
- Dennis?
- Yeah. He is a plumber.
787
00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:15,050
Um, I'm having a few problems
with my waterworks. My water pipes.
788
00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:16,366
(Dennis) Shag her, Neil!
789
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:20,680
I'd better get him the shagger.
It's a special wrench that plumbers use.
790
00:49:24,040 --> 00:49:25,371
(Whispering) I thought
I told you to shut up.
791
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:27,602
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, sorry.
792
00:49:27,720 --> 00:49:29,370
You're supposed to be
a rational, thinking creature.
793
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:32,284
Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry.
Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg.
794
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:34,448
(Neil) Shh. It's not a great time,
to be honest.
795
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,050
Maybe later, if you behave.
796
00:49:36,080 --> 00:49:37,206
(Dennis) Oh...
797
00:49:37,240 --> 00:49:41,689
Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger,
so he just went with the old decoupler.
798
00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:43,370
(Dennis) I love you, Neil!
799
00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:45,528
Shut up, Dennis!
800
00:49:45,840 --> 00:49:48,047
It's odd, isn't it,
shouting at the plumber like that?
801
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:51,527
But, uh, the fact is he's my brother.
The plumber is my brother.
802
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:53,961
(Dennis) Say you love me, Neil.
803
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:55,241
And we're very close.
804
00:49:55,280 --> 00:49:57,408
- God, Rosie was right.
- Rosie?
805
00:49:57,520 --> 00:49:59,966
(Dennis) Please can I shag your leg?
806
00:50:00,440 --> 00:50:03,205
Jesus, Neil, how could you?
The next morning!
807
00:50:03,440 --> 00:50:04,726
What? I...
808
00:50:04,880 --> 00:50:08,441
- Why do I always end up with creeps?
- I'm not a creep!
809
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:11,484
(Dennis) There was a cat, Neil!
Neil! Hey, you, cat!
810
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:14,410
Stay out of my garden, go on!
Neil, it's a ginger tom!
811
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,970
(Barking)
812
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,287
Dennis, be a dumb animal again
for five minutes.
813
00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:19,731
(Barking)
814
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:23,408
So she thinks I'm gay.
815
00:50:23,440 --> 00:50:25,886
(Laughing) I mean, so what, you know?
816
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:29,129
I mean, it means that she won't want to
marry me or have my kids.
817
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,282
Bingo. Problem solved.
818
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:34,645
Thank you, Dennis.
819
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:42,126
Catherine!
820
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:47,604
Catherine!
821
00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,167
Um, me be on the bus.
822
00:50:54,920 --> 00:50:57,924
Ah! I don't mean on the bus.
I mean in the bus.
823
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,330
(Screaming)
824
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:03,648
Not in the engine.
In the passenger accommodation!
825
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:07,330
Ow!
826
00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:11,641
(Woman) Hey!
827
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:13,647
Catherine!
828
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,484
Catherine!
829
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:27,330
Catherine!
830
00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:28,846
Whoa.
831
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:30,962
- Ray.
- You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.
832
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,731
She's... She's set up shrines
all over the school.
833
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,171
There's even a website.
834
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:36,810
Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?
835
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:38,842
- Not like this.
- Ray, I don't have time for this.
836
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:40,849
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't lost the powers, have you?
837
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:43,201
- No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray.
- You have. You've lost the...
838
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:44,367
- I haven't lost the powers.
- Do the thing.
839
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:45,890
Ray, become a duck.
840
00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:48,048
(Ray quacking)
841
00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:53,920
Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it.
Ray, stop it. Ray, become a sausage.
842
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:58,200
- I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is...
- Where is he, Neil?
843
00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:01,047
Oh. That's his car.
844
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,842
(Gasps) Oh. Behold the car of Ray!
845
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:07,042
(All moaning)
846
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:11,170
- Catherine, can we talk?
- No.
847
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:12,611
But I love you.
848
00:52:12,720 --> 00:52:14,529
You also love Dennis, apparently.
849
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:16,927
- Did you take that off there?
- Uh, no, this is mine.
850
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:18,405
- Yours?
- Yeah.
851
00:52:18,520 --> 00:52:20,170
Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
852
00:52:20,240 --> 00:52:23,881
I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
You love him, he loves you.
853
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,120
I'm happy for both of you.
Just don't bring me into it.
854
00:52:26,240 --> 00:52:28,402
Yeah, no, but there's something I need
to tell you about Dennis.
855
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:30,522
You are going to have to pay for that
now that you've touched it.
856
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,164
- It's mine!
- No, it isn't.
857
00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:33,685
Look, I heard what you
said to each other, Neil.
858
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,007
Yeah, look. There's something crucial
about Dennis you don't know.
859
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,081
- (Shopkeeper) Hey!
- He's not a man.
860
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,361
I don't want to hear this, Neil.
861
00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:39,891
I know, but I'm just saying,
he's not a man.
862
00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:41,763
Ow! Ah! Hell's tits!
863
00:52:41,880 --> 00:52:43,245
- You pervert!
- Ow!
864
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:44,800
You come in here and steal our stuff?
865
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:45,887
I told you, that's not your sausage.
866
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:48,161
- It is my sausage. Give it back.
- Get off. Be careful, be careful.
867
00:52:48,240 --> 00:52:49,765
- Just let go!
- Oh, God!
868
00:52:49,840 --> 00:52:52,411
- Give me 80p.
- Fine.
869
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:56,048
- I'll just get your change.
- No, it's... Never mind. It's...
870
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:57,411
Well, no, cos it's £4.20.
871
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,442
- Keep it.
- It's too much for a tip.
872
00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:02,450
- Have it your way.
- I should think so, too. Jesus.
873
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,285
Feck. Sausage, become Ray.
874
00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:12,403
Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea
how vulnerable a sausage feels?
875
00:53:12,680 --> 00:53:13,886
There he is!
876
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:16,930
(Ray) I'm off!
877
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,761
- Leave me alone, you nutters!
- (Miss Pringle) Ray! Ray!
878
00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,400
Here you go. You must have been hungry.
879
00:53:25,440 --> 00:53:28,808
It's clear he has no idea of doing
any good whatsoever.
880
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:32,965
Why can't we just get on
with the destruction?
881
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:35,122
(Kindly Alien)
Because there are rules, Maureen.
882
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:37,043
We must follow galactic procedure.
883
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:41,808
Rules didn't stop you from eating
the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
884
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:44,440
(Kindly Alien) They were delicious.
Very crunchy, as I recall...
885
00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:51,649
- Surprise, surprise!
- Oh, my God!
886
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:53,808
- No!
- Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!
887
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:56,401
You're crazy, do you know that?
888
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:59,080
(Grant grunting) Crazy in love, darlin'.
889
00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:01,129
Get out of my flat, Grant.
890
00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:02,650
Well, I can't because
you've locked the door now, babe.
891
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,609
Well, then, get out the way you got in.
892
00:54:04,640 --> 00:54:07,849
Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice!
(Pounding on door)
893
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:11,169
Just get out, Grant.
I never want to see you again!
894
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:12,964
Get out of my life!
895
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:14,650
Get out!
896
00:54:15,120 --> 00:54:17,248
Come on, now, open the door.
897
00:54:17,320 --> 00:54:20,000
- Sorry. Sorry about the noise.
- (Grant grunting and pounding door)
898
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:22,364
At least it wasn't barking.
899
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,329
Feck off. Not you.
900
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:25,885
- Walk out the front door, OK?
- (Grant) Honey!
901
00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:27,883
Then sneak in the back.
Make your way up to my place. No moves.
902
00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:30,440
- No, no, no funny business.
- (Grant) Come on. Let the love shine through.
903
00:54:30,520 --> 00:54:31,851
You can just stay out of his way
904
00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:33,843
- and I will make you dinner.
- (Grant) Love me!
905
00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,209
- I hate doors!
- All right.
906
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:37,810
But invite Dennis.
We'll behave like grown-ups.
907
00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:39,524
- (Grant) Catherine?
- OK.
908
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:41,440
- (Grant) Catherine, come back.
- I'm leaving!
909
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:45,644
(Grant pounding) OK. I'm coming!
Hold on. Wait for me, now.
910
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:47,723
(Grant grunting)
911
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:49,850
(Sing-song voice) She's coming to dinner!
912
00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:52,281
(Presenter on TV)
This episode looks at doggy fantasies.
913
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:54,727
Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start.
914
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:56,882
She's coming to dinner.
915
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,327
- Who?
- Catherine.
916
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:01,044
Oh, the bitch.
917
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:04,881
Don't call her that, all right?
I don't want you chipping in, either, OK?
918
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,843
Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
919
00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:08,571
Me? A dumb animal?
920
00:55:08,720 --> 00:55:10,643
(Neil) Yeah, well, you know how to pretend,
don't you?
921
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:12,211
It's just... It's called acting.
922
00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:14,240
Oh, you mean like when I'm having
my tummy tickled?
923
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:17,723
- You love having your tummy tickled.
- No, I don't.
924
00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:21,091
- What?
- It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.
925
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,042
- Why?
- Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
926
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,004
Because they love
having their tummies tickled.
927
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:31,369
Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it because
they know human beings like doing it.
928
00:55:32,240 --> 00:55:37,087
(Gasps) Well, just pretend to be
a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?
929
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:39,561
Can't I join in the
conversation just a little bit?
930
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:42,922
- No.
- That is so cruel.
931
00:55:43,240 --> 00:55:44,366
(Doorbell ringing)
932
00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:48,286
Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell!
It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell!
933
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:50,761
- I know it's the bell, Dennis.
- Right. No, no, sorry.
934
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:54,407
Just one more peep out of you, OK,
and the flea collar is going back on again.
935
00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:58,050
Right, right, right.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
936
00:55:58,120 --> 00:55:59,360
Bark.
937
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:01,606
Woof.
938
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:03,451
Do it properly.
939
00:56:03,920 --> 00:56:06,969
- (Barking)
- Yeah, good. OK, thank you.
940
00:56:07,080 --> 00:56:08,525
Got it.
941
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:11,121
- Hi.
- Has he gone?
942
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,565
No, I don't think so.
943
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:14,883
- Ooh!
- Dennis, down.
944
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:18,280
You named him after the plumber,
then, did you?
945
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:19,771
Uh...
946
00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:24,244
Ah. Do you want your tummy tickled?
947
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:27,246
Why do dogs like that so much?
948
00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:30,050
I don't know.
949
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:31,884
(Catherine laughing)
950
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:37,645
So the producer promises to take me
out of the general office
951
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:40,166
and give me a big desk with a view,
but he won't.
952
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,643
He's just trying to get me into bed.
953
00:56:46,240 --> 00:56:47,844
What did you want to tell me?
954
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:50,324
Uh, just try this first.
955
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:03,601
Mmm.
956
00:57:06,160 --> 00:57:07,525
Oh, that's incredible.
957
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:13,282
That's the most wonderful thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
958
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:21,166
Mmm. I had no idea you were
such a fantastic cook.
959
00:57:21,200 --> 00:57:24,841
I've... I've... It's unlike anything
I've ever tasted. What is it?
960
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:29,360
I just said, "Let the soup be the most
amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,
961
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:31,369
"unlike anything she's tasted before."
962
00:57:31,400 --> 00:57:34,847
- And it is. (Laughing)
- Really?
963
00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:41,843
Really. I can make things happen. Anything.
964
00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:45,003
That's what I was trying to tell you
this morning, you know?
965
00:57:45,040 --> 00:57:47,327
I wasn't talking to a live-in
homosexual plumber.
966
00:57:47,400 --> 00:57:49,050
I was talking to Dennis.
967
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,848
- The dog?
- Dennis the dog.
968
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:57,408
- Who answered you back?
- Yeah, because I made him talk.
969
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:01,567
- Oh.
- With my powers.
970
00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:04,605
Special powers?
971
00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:08,360
I mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk?
You got it.
972
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:10,249
You want a great view? You got it.
973
00:58:11,240 --> 00:58:15,928
Um... Neil, how long have you had
these special powers?
974
00:58:16,560 --> 00:58:18,369
Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
975
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:21,762
- Very suddenly?
- Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.
976
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:23,765
Just ask me to do something, anything.
977
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:27,088
- Just, you know...
- Listen, Neil, it's... It's OK.
978
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:29,211
You can get help with this.
979
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:30,770
(Grant) Son of a bitch!
980
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:32,121
(Catherine) Oh!
981
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:33,811
Shit, Grant!
982
00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:35,081
(Dennis) I'm out of here!
983
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:37,607
- There's nobody else, huh?
- Who is this guy?
984
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:39,927
She didn't tell you? I'm her fiancé.
985
00:58:39,960 --> 00:58:41,644
- You're not my fiancé, Grant.
- Oh, yeah?
986
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,081
And you weren't just making out
with this apology of a man?
987
00:58:44,120 --> 00:58:45,406
Stop this.
988
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,403
You know how long you'd last
on a battlefield, soldier?
989
00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:48,601
I'm sorry, Neil.
990
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:50,722
- (Snaps fingers) That long.
- I'm warning you.
991
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:53,600
- You're warning me?
- Yeah, I'm warning you.
992
00:58:53,640 --> 00:58:55,244
(Laughing) Who is this guy?
993
00:58:55,320 --> 00:58:57,243
- Why don't you suck on this, asshole?
- Grant!
994
00:58:57,560 --> 00:59:00,450
All I have to do is go like this and...
And say what?
995
00:59:00,480 --> 00:59:03,802
- Where did you find this fruitcake?
- Put that away, Grant.
996
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:06,082
Uh, what can I say? Grant, become a fairy?
997
00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:08,640
It's Grant, not...
(British accent) ...Grant.
998
00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:10,728
- Stop it.
- And you're the goddamn fairy.
999
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,769
How about Grant go back
to where you came from?
1000
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:15,201
- It's Grant.
- How about kiss my arse, Grant?
1001
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:16,970
Neil, don't. He's crazy.
1002
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:20,647
How about you say, "Please, Grant,
don't put a bullet through my brain?"
1003
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:24,611
- Grant, stop it!
- I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."
1004
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:28,441
- Go on, shoot me.
- Oh, my God. You're both crazy.
1005
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:30,562
- He doesn't dare.
- Neil, please, please.
1006
00:59:30,640 --> 00:59:33,246
Go on, pull the trigger.
What's the matter, "Grant"?
1007
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:34,651
- Shut up.
- Go on, shoot me.
1008
00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:36,285
- Neil, he will.
- No, he won't.
1009
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:39,290
- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.
1010
00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:41,322
- You little shit!
- (Shrieks)
1011
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:44,969
You're idiots, both of you.
1012
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,081
(Neil) I wouldn't do this if I were you.
1013
00:59:46,160 --> 00:59:47,161
(Mimics) "I wouldn't do
this if I were you."
1014
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:48,406
God, I hate the English.
1015
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,000
Let Grant's arm break if
he tries to throttle me.
1016
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:57,770
Shut up. It's Grant!
1017
00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:59,683
- (men grunting)
- (Dennis) Oh!
1018
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,604
(Dennis) Help! Help! Help!
1019
01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:02,841
Who the heck was that?
1020
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:05,002
Uh, that's Dennis.
1021
01:00:05,160 --> 01:00:06,207
Ow.
1022
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:14,686
- It's just a dog! English dick.
- (Choking)
1023
01:00:15,520 --> 01:00:19,127
- Ow! Ow... Shit! Shit! What happened?
- Yeah, yeah.
1024
01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:21,726
- Do you want me to make it better?
- (Groaning) It hurts.
1025
01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:23,484
Grant's arm be better.
1026
01:00:26,640 --> 01:00:29,211
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?
1027
01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:32,008
- Grant be stuck on the ceiling.
- (Screams)
1028
01:00:32,200 --> 01:00:33,565
Oh, shit!
1029
01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:34,806
Grant be plastered to the wall.
1030
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:35,881
(Shrieking)
1031
01:00:35,960 --> 01:00:38,167
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.
1032
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:40,521
Grant be buried head
first in the plant pot.
1033
01:00:40,560 --> 01:00:42,050
What do you mean, potted plant?
1034
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:46,882
Grant be standing in front of me.
1035
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:54,404
Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?
1036
01:00:54,480 --> 01:00:55,686
Maybe I can help you.
1037
01:00:55,920 --> 01:01:00,403
- You?
- I could make your life absolutely hell
1038
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,251
or I could say,
"Grant be holding a million dollars."
1039
01:01:03,720 --> 01:01:04,767
(Exclaims)
1040
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:10,049
(Laughing) Oh, yeah!
1041
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:12,686
Or I could say,
"A million dollars, disappear."
1042
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:14,601
Fuck! Come on!
1043
01:01:15,920 --> 01:01:19,447
I can do anything.
All I have to do is wave my hand.
1044
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:22,681
- You gotta wave your hand?
- That's right.
1045
01:01:23,240 --> 01:01:25,925
Isn't he great? I love you.
I love you so much.
1046
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:28,367
- Dennis, keep out of this.
- But you are great, Neil.
1047
01:01:28,520 --> 01:01:30,727
- You can do anything.
- Dennis, shut up. I'm not...
1048
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:32,888
(Dennis) Master! Neil!
1049
01:01:34,880 --> 01:01:36,086
(Laughing)
1050
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:37,361
(Dennis barking)
1051
01:01:40,680 --> 01:01:44,366
- Hi. Made your mind up yet?
- (Sighs) How about tonight?
1052
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:46,450
Good girl. 8:00, my place.
1053
01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,961
Yeah. I always pick the wrong guy, anyway.
1054
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:52,448
Oh, and, uh, I got you a new desk.
1055
01:02:26,560 --> 01:02:27,561
(Moaning)
1056
01:02:28,480 --> 01:02:29,561
(Muffled) Hey!
1057
01:02:29,680 --> 01:02:35,130
Well, it's about time. Now, listen up.
When I take that gag out of your mouth,
1058
01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:38,323
you're going to say exactly what's on that
piece of paper, you understand?
1059
01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:44,123
The moment you say a word that is not on
that piece of paper, I kill the dog.
1060
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:46,680
(Dennis) Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
1061
01:02:46,760 --> 01:02:48,524
(Grant) Understand? Nod if you understand.
1062
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:50,290
(Muffled agreement)
1063
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:57,485
OK. OK. I'm going to take the gag out now.
Remember, one wrong word
1064
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:00,689
and the dog gets it.
1065
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:02,770
(Neil mumbling)
1066
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:09,365
OK, read. Item number one, let's go.
Come on.
1067
01:03:09,520 --> 01:03:12,126
"Item number one.
All pasty white Englishmen...
1068
01:03:12,200 --> 01:03:15,044
"Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears
and webbed feet?"
1069
01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:21,041
- Now wave your hand.
- What?
1070
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,724
(Shouts) Wave your hand!
1071
01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:24,644
(Laughing) Oh!
1072
01:03:27,400 --> 01:03:29,687
Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.
1073
01:03:39,160 --> 01:03:42,164
Neil! Neil!
1074
01:03:50,240 --> 01:03:51,571
Neil?
1075
01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:02,885
Neil?
1076
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:11,081
- Oh!
- (Screaming)
1077
01:04:12,280 --> 01:04:13,441
You don't worship me, do you?
1078
01:04:13,560 --> 01:04:17,246
What? Ray. You're Ray.
1079
01:04:19,200 --> 01:04:20,770
- I can't find Neil.
- Isn't he here?
1080
01:04:21,240 --> 01:04:22,366
He wasn't at school, either.
1081
01:04:22,440 --> 01:04:25,091
Oh, I left him with my crazy,
gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
1082
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:28,362
- Neil's got these powers.
- No, I know, I know.
1083
01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:29,521
Oh.
1084
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:33,446
He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me
and now she's turned me into a religion.
1085
01:04:33,880 --> 01:04:35,962
- They think I'm immortal.
- So what?
1086
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:39,724
They want me to prove it
by rising from the dead.
1087
01:04:41,360 --> 01:04:42,771
We've got to find Neil.
1088
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,610
(Ray) Wait.
1089
01:04:47,400 --> 01:04:49,641
Hey! Hey!
1090
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:51,645
What are you doing?
1091
01:04:54,480 --> 01:04:55,925
(Catherine sighs) No...
1092
01:04:57,040 --> 01:04:58,121
Got it.
1093
01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:00,325
- Where's your car?
- Why?
1094
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:01,606
I know where they are.
1095
01:05:04,480 --> 01:05:07,006
It's just out here. We can... Shit!
1096
01:05:07,640 --> 01:05:08,846
Lord.
1097
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:10,445
Oh, no. Run for it!
1098
01:05:11,840 --> 01:05:14,684
Get him! Lord!
1099
01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:17,800
(Grant) Yeah!
1100
01:05:17,960 --> 01:05:21,089
This is working beautifully.
OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go.
1101
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:27,527
OK. "Three. All British police
to have pink uniforms."
1102
01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:29,608
(Laughing) My personal favourite.
1103
01:05:32,000 --> 01:05:33,764
(Miss Pringle) Ray!
1104
01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:36,480
Lord! Come to us!
1105
01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:40,525
Ray! Ray!
1106
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:43,045
(Siren wailing)
1107
01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:47,005
What's this all about?
1108
01:05:47,800 --> 01:05:51,043
- (Laughing)
- Oi!
1109
01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:52,880
Take that off!
1110
01:06:01,680 --> 01:06:02,727
There he is!
1111
01:06:11,160 --> 01:06:12,525
(Alarm blaring)
1112
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:15,563
(Laughing)
1113
01:06:25,720 --> 01:06:26,801
(Beeping)
1114
01:06:31,520 --> 01:06:32,931
(Laughing)
1115
01:06:33,640 --> 01:06:38,567
Oh! Oh... (Laughing) Oh, it's beautiful.
1116
01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:40,409
- (Dennis whining)
- I can't believe it. All right, next one.
1117
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:42,124
Come on, read.
1118
01:06:42,200 --> 01:06:45,204
"Let all traffic lights be
permanently set on green."
1119
01:06:45,400 --> 01:06:46,765
Come on. That's just...
1120
01:06:46,880 --> 01:06:49,326
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
1121
01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:51,568
Huh? Do it, do it.
1122
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:56,930
Wait. Now, listen.
1123
01:06:57,080 --> 01:06:58,445
- (Horns honking)
- (Cars crashing)
1124
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:09,050
All right.
1125
01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:15,440
(Catherine knocking)
Grant, are you in there?
1126
01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:19,169
Skip to the end. Hurry up.
Just skip to the end!
1127
01:07:20,040 --> 01:07:24,045
Skip to the end. Just...
There. Come on, quick. Read it.
1128
01:07:24,120 --> 01:07:28,011
Uh, uh... OK, OK,
"Item 417, Catherine West..."
1129
01:07:28,320 --> 01:07:29,367
- Come on.
- All right.
1130
01:07:30,320 --> 01:07:32,004
Let them go, Grant. (Gasps)
1131
01:07:32,080 --> 01:07:35,527
Why should I?
Go on, Neil. Read the last item.
1132
01:07:36,280 --> 01:07:41,730
"Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply
in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev
1133
01:07:42,280 --> 01:07:44,726
"and leap on him like a tigress
begging for sex."
1134
01:07:47,120 --> 01:07:50,044
- You bastard.
- Now, come on, now.
1135
01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:51,451
Wave your hand. Come on.
1136
01:07:51,520 --> 01:07:53,648
- Neil, don't!
- Or the dog gets it!
1137
01:07:53,720 --> 01:07:55,006
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
1138
01:07:55,080 --> 01:07:56,445
Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
1139
01:07:56,560 --> 01:07:59,211
But I don't want to love him, Neil.
I don't want to go anywhere near him.
1140
01:07:59,280 --> 01:08:00,850
I don't wanna die.
1141
01:08:01,400 --> 01:08:02,447
(Groans)
1142
01:08:02,680 --> 01:08:04,250
Yeah.
1143
01:08:04,800 --> 01:08:09,727
Grant, I love you.
Please, please, let's have sex now.
1144
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:11,165
(Grant) Oh, yeah.
1145
01:08:14,280 --> 01:08:15,406
Dennis, be free.
1146
01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:17,084
I'm free! I'm free!
1147
01:08:17,160 --> 01:08:18,286
Please.
1148
01:08:18,360 --> 01:08:20,249
- (Grant mumbling)
- (Neil) Uh, uh,
1149
01:08:20,320 --> 01:08:21,606
- Grant become a corgi!
- (Grant) What?
1150
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,966
Oh, shit.
1151
01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:24,241
Do it. Do it, Grant.
1152
01:08:25,320 --> 01:08:27,004
Do it, do it!
1153
01:08:27,560 --> 01:08:28,891
Me be free.
1154
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:32,160
(Dennis) Yes, yes! Master.
1155
01:08:32,240 --> 01:08:34,163
- Yeah.
- You chose to save me rather than that bitch.
1156
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:37,687
Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be
her normal self and not in love with Grant.
1157
01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:40,167
Ugh!
1158
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:43,768
And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
1159
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:48,131
(Distant shrieking)
1160
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:49,887
- (Miss Pringle) Ray!
- (Neil) Oh, shit.
1161
01:08:49,960 --> 01:08:51,689
Oh, no. Get off me!
1162
01:08:51,760 --> 01:08:52,807
Neil, stop them!
1163
01:08:52,880 --> 01:08:55,406
Lord, show us how to conquer death!
1164
01:08:55,480 --> 01:08:58,006
Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray
the way that you used to.
1165
01:09:01,280 --> 01:09:04,648
- What the hell, Ray?
- (Ray) It was nothing to do with me.
1166
01:09:05,200 --> 01:09:07,407
Get lost, you creep!
1167
01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,245
- (Ray) Thank you.
- Everyone else, forget about Ray.
1168
01:09:12,840 --> 01:09:15,491
Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.
1169
01:09:18,760 --> 01:09:20,330
Ray, could you take me home, please?
1170
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:21,845
Sure.
1171
01:09:23,640 --> 01:09:25,881
I'm... I'm sorry...
1172
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:31,529
(sighs) Any thoughts?
1173
01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:36,444
- Pathetic!
- He has no concept of good or evil.
1174
01:09:36,920 --> 01:09:39,161
Well, the dogs seem all right.
1175
01:09:39,680 --> 01:09:43,969
(Chief Alien) Yes, yes, the dogs are all right.
It's the people I can't stand.
1176
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:09,367
Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.
1177
01:10:09,440 --> 01:10:12,489
Hey, sorry about the other night.
It was... Can I cook you supper?
1178
01:10:12,600 --> 01:10:15,001
- Uh, no, thanks, Neil.
- I'm doing a whole suckling pig.
1179
01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:17,048
- No.
- Hey, what's the matter?
1180
01:10:17,520 --> 01:10:19,443
Is it because I made you
throw yourself at Grant?
1181
01:10:19,600 --> 01:10:23,764
No. Look, you did what you had to do.
It worked. Forgotten.
1182
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:25,923
Well, what is it, then?
1183
01:10:26,520 --> 01:10:28,761
Do you know what it feels like
to be in someone else's power?
1184
01:10:28,880 --> 01:10:30,370
To have no will of your own?
1185
01:10:30,760 --> 01:10:34,526
Look, I thought that I made you love me.
1186
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:37,446
- What?
- You know, with my powers.
1187
01:10:39,200 --> 01:10:40,725
(sighs) Oh, my God.
1188
01:10:42,160 --> 01:10:45,480
(Sighs) Did I really come home early tonight
because I wanted to or did you make me?
1189
01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:48,600
Have I always lived opposite you
or have you somehow rearranged things?
1190
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,168
- I'm never going to know.
- Look, I love you.
1191
01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:55,323
How could any woman love a man
who could make her do whatever he wants,
1192
01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:57,846
any second, every day, forever?
1193
01:10:58,960 --> 01:11:02,407
Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you,
not in a million years.
1194
01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:04,130
Oh! Catherine...
1195
01:11:10,800 --> 01:11:13,485
Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!
1196
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:15,564
This is indeed grave news.
1197
01:11:15,640 --> 01:11:18,291
It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been
1198
01:11:18,360 --> 01:11:20,966
interfering with our translation devices.
1199
01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:22,571
What's he done, Sharon?
1200
01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:25,411
I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been
calling ourselves
1201
01:11:25,480 --> 01:11:29,007
by foolish-sounding earthling names.
1202
01:11:30,080 --> 01:11:32,000
- Female ones, at that.
- (All exclaim in disgust)
1203
01:11:32,040 --> 01:11:38,810
It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured
among female earthlings from Australia.
1204
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:40,166
The shame of it.
1205
01:11:40,360 --> 01:11:44,160
Sharon... I mean,
what should we be calling you?
1206
01:11:44,600 --> 01:11:48,571
Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1207
01:11:48,640 --> 01:11:50,927
(All) Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.
1208
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:54,767
(Chewing noisily) Great waffles, master.
1209
01:11:55,280 --> 01:11:56,770
Who cares about waffles?
1210
01:11:56,840 --> 01:12:01,562
Catherine hates me. Ray hates me.
Everybody hates me.
1211
01:12:01,960 --> 01:12:04,167
I don't hate you and I care about waffles.
1212
01:12:04,480 --> 01:12:06,960
I think I like them even more than biscuits,
even red biscuits.
1213
01:12:07,040 --> 01:12:09,646
You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?
This is all my fault.
1214
01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:10,886
(Dennis) Mmm-hmm?
1215
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:13,691
You know, I was just thinking about myself,
what I could get.
1216
01:12:13,760 --> 01:12:16,923
- Hmm.
- And yet with these powers, you know,
1217
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:19,367
I could have solved every
problem in the world.
1218
01:12:19,480 --> 01:12:22,927
- I could have made people happy.
- You couldn't make Catherine happy.
1219
01:12:23,000 --> 01:12:27,050
Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.
You know, I was being selfish.
1220
01:12:27,120 --> 01:12:30,169
I mean, take world hunger, you know? Uh...
1221
01:12:30,400 --> 01:12:32,880
Let everybody in the world have as much
food as they want.
1222
01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:39,887
I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody
in the world have somewhere to live.
1223
01:12:40,080 --> 01:12:42,242
No, no, no, live in their dream house.
1224
01:12:42,520 --> 01:12:46,570
And war, senseless war, over forever.
1225
01:12:46,640 --> 01:12:49,928
Let there be no reason for anyone
to make war on anyone any more.
1226
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:51,883
Yay! (Yelps)
1227
01:12:52,160 --> 01:12:54,162
Oh, and reverse global warming.
1228
01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:56,411
Has it happened?
1229
01:13:01,480 --> 01:13:04,609
(Male newsreader) The latest nation to
succumb to the sudden mysterious
1230
01:13:04,680 --> 01:13:07,809
exponential growth in world food
supplies is China,
1231
01:13:07,880 --> 01:13:11,043
where the average weight
is now 300 pounds and rising.
1232
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:14,522
Well, today a party of picnicking
schoolchildren brought down
1233
01:13:14,600 --> 01:13:17,888
a mile-long section of
the Great Wall of China.
1234
01:13:17,960 --> 01:13:20,406
(Female newsreader) As homelessness
becomes a thing of the past,
1235
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:23,245
the last undeveloped area
of the Sahara Desert
1236
01:13:23,320 --> 01:13:26,688
has become a gated community
known as Beau Geste Towers.
1237
01:13:26,760 --> 01:13:29,366
Property developers are now
converging on Antarctica.
1238
01:13:29,440 --> 01:13:32,649
- Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
- Whoa, that was a good one.
1239
01:13:33,360 --> 01:13:34,805
"Let there be no reason to make war..."
1240
01:13:34,880 --> 01:13:36,689
- "To make war on anyone any more."
- "...on anyone any more."
1241
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:38,649
How could that go wrong?
1242
01:13:38,720 --> 01:13:42,167
For no reason at all,
New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
1243
01:13:42,240 --> 01:13:43,480
(Dennis) Oh, wow. Oh, dear.
1244
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:47,565
Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
And in a surprise move,
1245
01:13:47,640 --> 01:13:52,521
the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has
declared war on the entire rest of the world.
1246
01:13:52,600 --> 01:13:55,126
Our war correspondent says
he is unavailable for comment
1247
01:13:55,240 --> 01:13:59,245
because he's too busy covering all the
other wars which have just broken out
1248
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:01,687
for no reason at all.
1249
01:14:01,760 --> 01:14:06,607
A short time ago, scientists were afraid
of constantly rising global temperatures.
1250
01:14:06,680 --> 01:14:09,001
- But none of them have any explanation...
- Oh, my God.
1251
01:14:09,080 --> 01:14:11,048
- ...for this sudden return...
- Global warming.
1252
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:17,685
...not only to the last ice age but to a
snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
1253
01:14:18,360 --> 01:14:23,605
On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic
into the Captain Scott gated community
1254
01:14:24,120 --> 01:14:25,610
- have been put on hold...
- Shit!
1255
01:14:25,680 --> 01:14:29,446
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
1256
01:14:29,560 --> 01:14:31,562
Yeah, but this is just unfair.
1257
01:14:32,480 --> 01:14:34,881
Let everything go back to how it was
before I started trying to make
1258
01:14:34,960 --> 01:14:36,564
everything better for everybody.
1259
01:14:37,480 --> 01:14:40,165
(Brian Cox) Beautiful though
the Earth looks from space,
1260
01:14:40,240 --> 01:14:45,007
we all know how fragile it is, how much
damage human beings have done to it
1261
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:48,641
and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
1262
01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:54,082
Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
It just drives you bloody mad.
1263
01:15:00,760 --> 01:15:02,046
(Dennis barking)
1264
01:15:05,160 --> 01:15:08,323
- Tell Catherine I love her.
- Don't do it, master. I love you!
1265
01:15:09,680 --> 01:15:11,682
I've made arrangements for your biscuits.
1266
01:15:12,160 --> 01:15:13,764
You'll never have to
worry about them again.
1267
01:15:13,840 --> 01:15:15,524
You're the kindest master.
1268
01:15:15,600 --> 01:15:17,728
Just shush, OK? I can't concentrate.
1269
01:15:18,920 --> 01:15:22,925
- Master, don't you love me?
- I can't stand it, Dennis.
1270
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,688
I just... I can't stand the responsibility.
1271
01:15:25,760 --> 01:15:28,570
You need to get that into
your stupid dog brain.
1272
01:15:28,720 --> 01:15:30,927
(Dennis barking) Neil!
1273
01:15:34,440 --> 01:15:36,329
I'll save you, master. Here I come!
1274
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:44,330
Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
Master, help! Woof!
1275
01:15:44,400 --> 01:15:48,883
Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!
1276
01:15:51,240 --> 01:15:53,891
Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.
(Sighs)
1277
01:15:54,200 --> 01:15:56,009
(Dennis) Bless you!
1278
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,922
You do love me, master.
1279
01:15:59,080 --> 01:16:02,607
Of course I love you, Dennis.
I just don't love myself.
1280
01:16:06,760 --> 01:16:10,162
Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator.
1281
01:16:10,280 --> 01:16:11,486
- (Kindly Alien) Hang on.
- What?
1282
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:13,688
We need to check if he's passed the test.
1283
01:16:13,760 --> 01:16:17,924
- Well, he did start all those wars.
- That was good.
1284
01:16:18,000 --> 01:16:21,561
- But then he stopped them all.
- But why?
1285
01:16:21,800 --> 01:16:25,930
He said he was trying to make things
better for people.
1286
01:16:27,120 --> 01:16:29,726
That's very appalling.
1287
01:16:30,040 --> 01:16:34,443
The only good is to destroy.
The only evil is weakness.
1288
01:16:34,520 --> 01:16:37,490
Weakness must be annihilated!
1289
01:16:38,200 --> 01:16:42,285
Agreed. Vaporise the earthling
and his wretched planet.
1290
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:44,731
I told you so.
1291
01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:47,770
Reprime the Destruction Generator.
1292
01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:04,484
(Mobile ringing)
1293
01:17:18,000 --> 01:17:19,968
Try her again, Neil. Go on.
1294
01:17:20,040 --> 01:17:24,523
- She... She won't have me.
- Then, give up the powers.
1295
01:17:24,600 --> 01:17:27,410
- I can't.
- Then, give them to me.
1296
01:17:27,480 --> 01:17:30,768
You wouldn't have the powers
but you'd know where they were.
1297
01:17:31,320 --> 01:17:33,846
And being a dog,
all I want to do is follow orders.
1298
01:17:33,960 --> 01:17:35,724
I'll do what you tell me to.
1299
01:17:36,760 --> 01:17:39,525
- Dennis, you're a genius.
- Not bad, huh?
1300
01:17:39,640 --> 01:17:40,687
(Kissing)
1301
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:47,047
Destruction Generator already charged,
Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1302
01:17:47,680 --> 01:17:49,887
(Speaking alien language)
1303
01:17:49,960 --> 01:17:51,689
(Computer) Commencing destruction.
1304
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:53,569
(Speaking alien language)
1305
01:17:57,200 --> 01:18:00,409
It is a curse that our numerals
take so long to pronounce.
1306
01:18:01,040 --> 01:18:03,850
Uh, yeah, it's like, uh,
you just wave your hand, like that.
1307
01:18:03,920 --> 01:18:06,400
I feel it. Wow!
1308
01:18:06,560 --> 01:18:10,360
Yeah. There you go.
So what's it going to be? Biscuits?
1309
01:18:11,320 --> 01:18:12,810
But the power made you miserable.
1310
01:18:12,880 --> 01:18:16,441
Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?
Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
1311
01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:19,206
See?
1312
01:18:21,840 --> 01:18:24,127
What are you thinking, Dennis?
1313
01:18:26,360 --> 01:18:28,169
(Speaking alien language)
1314
01:18:33,360 --> 01:18:34,566
Forgive me, master.
1315
01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:36,320
What? Wait, wait.
What are you going to do?
1316
01:18:37,840 --> 01:18:40,446
- (Speaking alien language)
- That's the only short one.
1317
01:18:42,400 --> 01:18:47,645
If I have any power, let the source
of that power be destroyed, forever!
1318
01:18:48,880 --> 01:18:50,803
(Speaking alien language)
1319
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:06,046
(Alarm blaring)
1320
01:19:06,600 --> 01:19:08,170
(Speaking alien language)
1321
01:19:35,880 --> 01:19:37,848
- (Doorbell ringing)
- (Exclaiming)
1322
01:19:39,120 --> 01:19:40,804
(Dennis barking)
1323
01:19:47,160 --> 01:19:48,207
(Doorbell continues ringing)
1324
01:19:48,280 --> 01:19:51,090
All this marking be suddenly finished
and neatly stacked up.
1325
01:19:54,120 --> 01:19:56,043
Fiona Blackwell, go away.
1326
01:19:56,720 --> 01:19:58,290
(Doorbell continues ringing)
1327
01:20:02,480 --> 01:20:04,642
Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.
1328
01:20:05,840 --> 01:20:08,002
Fiona! How lovely to see you.
1329
01:20:09,920 --> 01:20:12,605
Hey, great news. I got my sight back.
1330
01:20:14,160 --> 01:20:16,481
Hey, I think I hear Catherine.
1331
01:20:21,480 --> 01:20:22,720
- Catherine.
- Hi.
1332
01:20:22,800 --> 01:20:26,805
Hey. Um, look. Letters become cucumbers.
1333
01:20:27,920 --> 01:20:29,968
Us be on the prow of the Titanic.
1334
01:20:30,840 --> 01:20:32,126
I got rid of the powers.
1335
01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:35,244
I'm impressed.
1336
01:20:36,560 --> 01:20:40,565
Yeah. So I thought maybe
we could have some dinner sometime?
1337
01:20:42,440 --> 01:20:45,808
- Yeah, maybe, yeah.
- OK.
1338
01:20:59,080 --> 01:21:02,527
- How about tonight?
- I'll be down in half an hour.
1339
01:21:04,640 --> 01:21:06,449
(Laughing)
1340
01:21:09,840 --> 01:21:12,764
(Neil) We're going out to dinner.
I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
1341
01:21:13,200 --> 01:21:16,443
- I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.
- (Grant) Turn me back, Den.
1342
01:21:16,520 --> 01:21:19,649
I can't. I like you as you are.
Those stubby legs. Look at you.
1343
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:23,566
- I'm not a dog, I'm a man.
- Hey, nobody's perfect.
1344
01:21:24,640 --> 01:21:27,450
(♪ Absolutely Anything And Anything At All:
Kylie Minogue)
1345
01:22:15,960 --> 01:22:18,281
This is chewing a biscuit, boss.
I'll try and give you that right now,
1346
01:22:18,360 --> 01:22:19,566
hold one second.
1347
01:22:19,640 --> 01:22:21,324
(Noisy chewing)
1348
01:22:21,400 --> 01:22:23,368
Oh, red biscuit. Great.
1349
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:25,841
No! No!
1350
01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:27,246
(Gagging)
1351
01:22:27,920 --> 01:22:29,285
(coughing)
1352
01:22:29,440 --> 01:22:30,680
Oh, got it.
1353
01:22:30,760 --> 01:22:32,649
(Director) Licking. Licking somebody.
1354
01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:34,240
(Licking)
1355
01:22:34,320 --> 01:22:36,129
This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.
1356
01:22:36,200 --> 01:22:37,884
(Panting)
1357
01:22:39,720 --> 01:22:41,449
Oh, look. There's the red bit.
1358
01:22:41,520 --> 01:22:42,806
(Panting continues)
1359
01:22:43,160 --> 01:22:45,049
Oh, there, oh, right, oh...
1360
01:22:46,480 --> 01:22:47,527
I'm done.
1361
01:22:47,800 --> 01:22:49,643
(Director laughing) OK, great.
1362
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,001
That's enough chewing biscuits
for fucking half an hour.