[instrumental music]
How about Chinese for lunch?
I had Chinese for breakfast. Sunset Room?
Well, how about the Pizzarriba?
We always go to Pizzarriba.
I-I like Pizzarriba.
Just tell me where I'm goin'.
Rock, paper, scissors.
- I win. - What are you talking about?
You have a rock.
I have scissors. Scissors cut rock.
Scissors don't cut rock.
Where do you think Pebbles come from, hmm?
Fine. Let's do it again.
- I win. - What?
Scissors cut paper.
- This isn't paper. - What is it?
It's a karate chop to your face.
Ha!
Ow! Ha!
[grunts]
Oh, I love Chinese.
I haven't had it since breakfast.
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
Oh! Too much orange chicken.
Have you ever met an orange chicken?
- Ooh! - What?
It's the Year of the Pig.
Wow. This is my year.
What are you talking about?
The Chinese astrological calendar.
Every year is represented by a different animal.
And this year, it's me.
It's the Year of the Pig.
Oh, Porky. A year of good fortune.
When's the Year of the Duck?
Uh, I don't see a Year of the Duck.
Give me that.
There's a Year of the Pig.
There's a Year of the Rabbit.
And no Year of the Duck?
How is this possible?
They've got a Year of the Monkey.
A Year of the Rooster.
A rat? There's a Year of the Rat?
Why not ducks? Does everybody hate ducks?
Nobody hates ducks.
That's easy for you to say. You're beloved.
Oh, I w-wouldn't say beloved.
Oh, really? Ever hear of the expression, "Pigs in a blanket?"
It's not an expression. It's a food.
Yeah, a delicious food that you would pig out on.
Another popular expression, by the way.
Daffy, you're overreacting.
Oh, really, "Mr. Lucky Rabbit's Foot?"
Star of the popular fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare"
Ducks have nothing.
Uh, what about, "Duck, Duck, Goose?"
That's a popular kids' game.
Oh, you mean the one that's super boring
until you say the word "goose?"
Isn't there a children's book about a duck?
Oh, you mean "The Ugly Duckling?"
Thanks a lot, Bugs.
Well, there's gotta be somethin'.
Yeah, "sitting duck"
waiting around to get killed
so that you can become a "dead duck"
which is probably an improvement considering up till now
you've spent your entire life as a "lame duck."
Ooh, fortune cookies.
"Happiness and p-p-prosperity are just around the corner."
That sounds good.
"You are charming and well liked."
Well, not really a fortune, more like an observation.
Ugh! Ugh! Agh!
Did your guys' cookies taste like paper?
This is the reason I've never succeeded at anything
because people don't like ducks.
I think it's because people don't like you.
No way.
If it's between me and the other guy
to become partner at the law firm
they're gonna pick the other guy.
Solely because I'm a duck.
And also, you're not a lawyer.
And why do you think that is?
- Because you're lazy? - Because I am a duck.
And people don't like ducks.
Hey, guys, I brought in your mail.
It looks like you opened it, too.
Well, I got bored between the mailbox and the front door.
It's mostly bills but I think you're gonna like this one.
They want you to host this year's
Royal Oaks Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks beauty pageant.
Why me?
Well, it says here, "Because you are charming
and well licked."
That's liked.
Okay, well, you don't have to brag.
I don't wanna host a beauty pageant.
Bugs, it's a lot more than just a beauty pageant.
It's a competition that awards scholarships to young women.
Come on, all you have to do is show up
and say "And the winner is.."
It's the easiest job in the world.
Ehh! Okay.
How do you know about all this anyway?
I was a contestant two years ago.
But then I was disqualified because of my talent.
What was your talent?
- Lion taming. - You know how to tame lions?
Not very well.
I'd say I'm probably just below average.
(Daffy) 'Unbelievable.'
I've read the entire internet
and there's not one positive thing about ducks anywhere.
Lola, what do you think about ducks?
I don't know. Why?
- Because I'm a duck. - What?
I always thought you were a crow. Are you sure?
Aren't ducks the ones with those big beaver teeth
and that big beaver tail?
- Those are beavers. - So, you're a beaver?
Oh-h! forget it.
[door opens and closes]
Phew.
Yo, that is one touchy beaver.
Why, I remember, I say, I remember
when it was the Year of the Rooster.
Why, that was the year that everything changed for me.
Before that I was just a cock-a-doodle-do-nothin'
on a farm and look at me now.
[laughs]
What does that have to do with ducks?
Oh, right. Ducks.
Carol, bring me the latest animal popularity index.
What's the animal popularity index?
It's a list, I say, a list of every animal
ranked in order of popularity.
Hmm.
I say, hmm.
Ducks are ranked 64th?
I'm afraid, I say, I'm afraid
ducks have an image problem, son.
- What you need is some good PR. - Ooh, that sounds good.
I haven't had a peanut butter and ranch sandwich in forever.
Would you mind, hon?
I don't need a beverage.
No, PR. Public Relations.
Influence public opinion.
And based on that, we're gonna have to do a lot of influencin'.
What to do? I say, what to do?
[gasps] That's it.
We're gonna get you on "Tit For Tat."
Carol, get in here.
What's "Tit For Tat?"
It's the most watched news program in the country.
You'll make the case for ducks to all of America.
Hmm.
Daffy Duck, as the lead spokesperson
for an entire species.
I like it.
Carol, get the producers
of "Tit For Tat" on the line.
Yes, sir.
Ooh! Too much R.
Hey, Bun-Bun. How's it coming?
How's what coming?
Your opening monologue for the pageant?
Monologue?
I thought all I had to do was show up
and say, "And the winner is.."
Right. After the monologue.
And the big musical number
with all that complicated choreography.
Oh, and then there's the duet with last year's winner
which also has a lot of complicated choreography.
Oh, you gotta be ready to vamp
in case the wardrobe changes go long.
And they always go long.
'Oh! Then, of course, there's the big finale'
'which has the most complicated choreography of all.'
And sometimes a stunt.
Last year's host got shot out of a cannon.
- He got shot out of a cannon? - Well, not successfully.
That's why they needed a new host.
It's a thankless job, Bugs.
I don't know why you agreed to do it.
Pinky, congratulations.
You are my one millionth customer.
You win a year's supply of free pizza
and half of the dessert.
Wow! I guess it really is the Year of the Pig.
Porky's a pig?
I always thought he was a seal.
Are you sure, I say, are you sure you're ready?
Well, this old boy ain't afraid to ask the tough questions.
I have all the answers I need right here.
Ask me anything.
Okay, uh, exactly, I say
exactly what contribution have ducks made to society?
That's a good question, Elmo.
I believe his name is Elmer.
Elmer? Hmm.
I'd better write that down.
Uh, Carol, do you have my pre-show PR sandwich?
Don't ever let her go.
Hmm. Now she put too much P. You gotta get rid of her.
We're on in five, four..
Good luck.
I don't need luck. I've got these.
[gasps]
(male #1) 'And action.'
[instrumental music]
Good evening. I'm Elmer Fudd.
Welcome to another edition of "Tit For Tat."
Tonight's topic. Ducks.
Here to tell us why we should care, Daffy Duck.
Daffy, welcome to the program.
- Thanks for having me, Elvis. - Let's get started.
Exactly what contribution have ducks made to society?
Uh, um, uh..
- Pass. - What?
Give me another question.
Okay, uh.
Bring the car around front, Carol.
You believe that ducks are viewed unfavorably.
Do you have any proof of this?
I'd like to phone a friend.
- What? - I'd like to buy a vowel.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna go ahead and spin again, Pat.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[growls]
Why didn't you open the sunroof, Carol?
You really gotta get rid of her.
[grunts]
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
"And welcome to the Royal Oaks Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks
"beauty pageant.
"I don't know about our contestants
but I slept like a log last night."
Literally.
I woke up in the fireplace.
"Uh, good-looking audience we got here tonight.
"I look forward to seeing you all
during the swimsuit portion of the competition."
Because there's a swimsuit portion.
The audience doesn't actually put on swimsuits.
Yeah. No, we get it.
Ohh! What about the joke where...
Porky, please.
I know you think this is your "year," but let me...
No! I wanna hear it.
[clears throat]
I flew all the way in from N-N-New York to be here.
And boy, are my arms t-t-tired.
[laughs]
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness!
I can't breathe. Oh! His arms are tired.
Like he didn't fly on a plane. He flew himself with his arms.
Like they're wings.
He doesn't even have wings. He's not a bird.
He's a seal. Seals can't fly.
[laughs]
Oh, it's so funny for so many reasons.
Oh! Porky. Oh, Porky. Ohh. Ohh.
Yours is funny, too. Just not as funny as Porky's!
[laughs]
Oh, Porky!
[growls]
This is a PR nightmare.
Tell me about it.
I mean, we're talking about two ingredients here.
Peanut butter and ranch.
How does she keep messing this up?
Enough with the sandwich, boy. Look at this.
Now ducks are even less popular.
'I say, less popular than they were before.'
We're below great white sharks?
They eat people.
- Oh, it's time. - What?
(man on TV) 'The 63rd annual'
'Royal Oaks Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks Beauty Pageant.'
'There are many beautiful women in the world'
'but only one can be Miss R-O-G-O-O-O.'
That's it. We need a duck to win that beauty pageant.
I've always dreamed of being Miss R-O-G-O-O-O.
Not you. We need a female duck.
Ohh. Right.
- 'No way.' - Please?
I-I'm not the beauty pageant type.
Oh, of course you are.
You're constantly at the salon.
You spend hours in front of the mirror.
And you're always prancing around the house in a tiara.
That's you.
Well, I'd enter it if I could.
But that big, fat rooster says I can't.
So, you gotta do it. We're in 73rd place.
Daffy, I don't care what some poll says.
And you shouldn't either.
That's easy for you to say. People like you.
- Then be more likeable. - No. That's crazy.
The only thing that makes sense is you winning a beauty pageant
which will skyrocket ducks up the animal popularity index.
Thus allowing me to enjoy respect and admiration
without having to earn it myself.
- It's a slam duck. - You mean a slam dunk.
What? My whole life, I always thought it was "slam duck."
Ugh. Forget it.
I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea
that every time I walk into a room
everyone will wish a great white shark had walked in instead.
Well, guess what, people, great white sharks can't walk!
So I guess you're stuck with me!
[sobbing]
- Fine, I'll do it. - Thank you.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
I just know you're gonna win.
And then, we'll both have a tiara.
Just remember, when you're inside
you gotta stay curled-up tight.
The tighter you are, the further you'll fly.
You wanna take a practice flight?
No, I think I'm good.
Porky, what are you doin' here?
I have a big favor to ask you.
What do you think of letting me host the pageant?
What?
Ever since I found out it was the Year of the Pig
I've just been feeling so good.
Everything seems to be going my way.
I-I mean, you get opportunities like this all the time.
But this, this is my year.
T-this is my one shot. What do you say?
Thanks for doin' my makeup, Lola.
I'm not very good at this stuff.
Are you kidding? You're gonna look beautiful.
I'm keeping it real fresh and light
and natural just like you wanted.
You'll barely be able to tell you're wearing anything at all.
There.
Wow!
Yeah, that's..
Uh, is there any way you could remove a few layers?
Oh. Yeah. I can do that.
Guess someone doesn't wanna win.
When is the show gonna start?
What is that?
It's a constantly updating
animal popularity index.
This way, we can see those duck rankings rise in real time.
Wow. Impressive.
Oh, this is taking forever.
I mean, if you say you're gonna start at 7:00
you start at 7:00.
Come on! Start the show!
I don't think that's helpin' the cause, boy.
Uh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Porky, they're gonna love you.
(male announcer) 'Ladies and gentlemen.'
'Welcome to the 64th annual'
'Royal Oaks Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks beauty pageant.'
'And now, your host Porky Pig.'
You're gonna be great.
It's the Year of the Pig.
Oh, it's not the Year of the Pig.
What?
The Year of the Pig was four years ago.
It's the Year of the Rabbit.
(Porky) 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.'
And welcome to the Royal Oaks
Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks beauty pageant.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive.
Oh, that nitwit must have read it wrong.
If anyone should be out there hosting, it's you.
He'll be fine. All that astrology stuff is silly.
You know, I flew all the way in from N-N-New York to be here
and boy, are-are my arms tired.
[coughs]
Or maybe not so silly.
Uh..
A good-looking audience we've got here tonight.
I look forward to seeing you all
during the swimsuit portion of the competition.
Hmm, pigs are fallin' fast.
They're below, I say, they're below ducks.
Boo! Get this guy off the stage!
Hmm. Not anymore.
Uh, why don't we meet our contestants?
[audience cheering]
They hate me.
I thought this was the Year of the Pig.
How is this happening?
Porky, there's somethin' I need to tell you.
- You're doin' great. - What?
But no one's laughin'.
No, no, no, they're laughing.
You just can't hear them from the stage.
It's, it's the acoustics.
Are you sure? I feel like they're all scowling at me.
No, that's the stage lights.
The shadows make smiles, you know, look like frowns.
They're smiling and they're laughing
because you're doin' great.
It's the Year of the Pig.
- That's your cue. - Thanks, Bugs.
[audience applause]
[instrumental music]
[lion roaring]
Yeah! Whoo! Ow!
[grunts]
And now, the winner of the Miss Royal Oaks
Glen Oaks Oakwood Oaks b-b-beauty pageant is..
...Michelle Chen.
Congratulations, Michelle.
Ah! Oh!
Congratulations. You did it.
What are you talking about? I didn't win.
Yeah, but you were so beautiful and poised
and charming and elegant.
You moved ducks up 33 places.
Well, there you go.
Unfortunately, I brought us down 41 places.
So, overall, ducks are slightly worse off
than they were before we started.
So, I guess, you're not gonna get
that respect and admiration you wanted.
What are you talkin' about?
I'll get it by hanging out with you.
Here.
You're giving me your tiara?
Loaning you my tiara.
Looks better on me.
Mwah.
[blast]
[applause]
Thanks for the Chinese food, guys.
- How you feeling? - Pretty good.
The doctors were amazed at how fast I'm recovering.
He-he. But I'm not surprised.
After all it is the Year of the Pig.
I thought you told me it was the Year of the..
Ow! Why are you kicking me?
Did you, by any chance, get any duck sauce?
There's a sauce named after us?
Ohh, a sweet, delicious sauce.
Why didn't anyone tell me?
I'm sorry but visiting hours are over.
How about a little respect and admiration?
Ever heard of duck sauce?
[theme music]
Hey, fellas.
Get a load of this.
We cracked the top ten.