[narrator] Previously on Sister Wives...
Honestly, I'm at a point now where I see the family
as an obstacle to my own goals.
The five of us are not happy.
So far, we haven't really handled COVID as a team.
I'm about ready to psychologically lose it.
We have spent our whole family life trying
to build a one-family culture, and this could tear that apart.
I don't feel like I'm very important to him.
Like, it's taking all of my self-control to just stay.
That's ridiculous.
Next time I see Kody, I'm gonna tell him
I freakin' want to move back to Utah
even though the girls don't want to.
One, two, three, four wives said, "No, we're never
moving back to Utah."
I am in the depths of frustration.
I am in polygamy hell.
♪♪
Hi, guys, um, me and my dad are going to take
um, junk to the junk field.
- [car beeps] - Landfill.
[Kody] To the land fill, huh?
You know, I'm at Robyn's house, right now,
I'm trying to keep Solomon from being just in the house all the time.
And he's been kind of excited about making his own home videos lately.
So I just told him, "hey, let's go make one together
and we'll haul the garbage off to the landfill."
So, we're gonna, um, go the landfill...
[Kody] But first, we have to fill it up.
So get your camera against here. See how much junk we got? Lift.
So, Solomon's just eight years old,
Um, he is four years older than Ariella Mae.
And him and Ari are my youngest children.
You know, he's a good kid...
We're just going to throw away.
[Kody] Carry it in.
He's learning to read, and he likes mathematics.
[Solomon] Oh, crap, you gotta be kidding me.
[Kody] It's rodent guts.
The first thing you think with a dead rat or a mouse
is like, disease. [chuckles]
Let's get this packed in and get it thrown into the landfill.
Like this. Oh, missed.
Whoa. We really jacked up our camera. Whoa. Whoa.
I think that Sol is bored
with the fact that he's not,
um, getting exposure to the family.
He's not really that expressive.
So I don't really know how this is affecting him.
Whoo.
Alrighty. Good job, Sol, so high-five.
- [Solomon] Something stinks, is that it? - Yeah, rodent guts stink.
But the strange thing is,
is both Robyn and I have been concerned
not just about Solomon, but about all of the kids
on their, sort of, lack of social life...
So, as hard as COVID is for all the adults,
I think the kids, it's really harder for the kids.
[giggling]
[Kody] Our family's been struggling
not just with communication but really with COVID.
Janelle's been on this sort of theme
about how we're going to communicate more and
we gotta figure our relationships out.
[Janelle] I am very worried about the long term
effects that this
months or however long this is gonna be.
[Kody] It's not a breakdown in communication,
it's a breakdown on agreement
on how we're supposed to have our family
behave during COVID-19.
Each household has a
different view. I'm struggling to get everybody to agree
with my view.
If I settle down at Robyn's house,
and I start enjoying myself, and I've been there for a week,
I start feeling guilty because I'm not at the other house,
I'm not seeing my other wife.
It's making it so that I can't enjoy my time
with Robyn because
I'm not seeing my other wives and children.
It's been really hard to get centered
and present.
How much of this can we endure?
'Cause if we keep doing this, we won't even be having Christmas together.
[call ringing]
- [Christine] Hi. - [Kody] Hi. I'll just meet you in the back.
- Does that work? On the porch? - [Christine] That sounds great, yeah.
- [Kody] Okay. - [Christine] Okay.
I call Christine from the driveway
'cause I want to sit down and visit with the kids,
visit with her. I had to make sure that everybody was--
Comes outside.
You know, 'cause I'm not going into the house right now.
'Cause they've been travelling so they've had exposure
and we're still trying to
minimize the amount of exposure that we have
to me going from house to house.
In the beginning, I really asked everybody
to not travel, to not go anywhere,
to not do anything so that I could see the kids
and it's just been something that Christine hasn't wanted to do.
She doesn't want to stay home.
[Christine] Last week we were out of town, visiting my kids in Utah.
I mean, there's a fine line
that I walk all the time with COVID.
I know he would rather us just stay home all the time.
But yeah, that's not going to happen, I have other kids to go see.
- Hi, sweetie. - Hey.
- Hello, Dad. - How's it going?
- Good, how are you? - [Kody] There is nothing
normal about being at home
all the time with COVID-19.
But Christine is continuing to travel
and she's chosen a different lifestyle
rather than a full-fledged relationship with me.
It makes me feel like
the loser that nobody wants to be around.
Okay. So, Ysabel's surgery,
so if we had to have insurance for the surgery,
it took us five months to get insurance-- six months to get insurance.
Ysabel was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was like 13.
Scoliosis is an abnormal curvature of the spine.
We've been trying to wait to do surgery
as long as possible.
To give Ysabel as much of a teenage life that we can.
We did exercises in the beginning
but we found out that the curve was pretty aggressive.
So, we got Ysabel's X-rays
in January, 'cause she started talking about her back
hurting her a lot more.
And her curve is over 50 degrees now.
So it's just time to get the surgery.
When do they want to schedule it?
I think September is what we're looking at.
It's in New Jersey, were-- and you were going to stay with...
-[Christine] With my sister, yeah. -With...
We have to be in New Jersey on a Monday.
And then she'll get the surgery Wednesday or Thursday
and then we'll stay for 10 days after that.
So they can monitor Ysabel.
I don't f-- Why don't we put it out six months?
Because of the pandemic.
'Cause of her pain level, Kody.
Well, but the-- we're talking about New Jersey which is
New York, basically.
There's a pandemic going on and New York was the hotspot.
And we have been safe the entire time here.
Kody, that's absolute bull [bleep].
Arizona is a hotspot now, what do you mean?
Yeah, but we don't leave our home and go all over Arizona.
I know that getting a surgery
during a pandemic isn't smart,
I know that, I'm not stupid
but she's in enough pain and I can't wait more.
I cannot wait more.
- She's in constant pain. - [Kody] Geez.
So I understand, there's a pandemic going on
but, why don't I call them and just say, "hey,
what is it like there? What's the situation with COVID?
Are there a lot of cases in the hospital where you are?"
That's only half the equation.
It's travelling there, it's the time there,
it's the exposure, it's constant exposure.
You can't come the whole time because...
Listen, I'm not flying there.
This is the thing, you guys, I'm not
going to New York.
All right, so I think that you should wait for the surgery.
I'm trying to assess what's really changed
from six months ago or a year ago,
why right now,
why do we have to go right now,
why can't we wait a little bit longer,
I mean, this has been-- We've been fighting with this.
We've been struggling with this for five years.
And I'm frustrated by that
because this is just falling with the actions
that's she's done all along.
Not being concerned whether or not we're spreading
the virus, or getting the virus.
She's just not being concerned.
I think there's some things that you can put off,
but this isn't something that we can put off more.
She's in pain.
Ysabel's pain level has been,
they always have this scale between zero and 10,
she's been living between an eight and nine.
She's in that much pain.
I've never had the kind of pain that she has,
except in childbirth,
natural childbirth.
That was it.
Does it hurt us to wait six months?
I think it can only get worse.
So why do we keep putting it off?
You think the pandemic's just going to get worse?
No, like, my pain, like, scoliosis.
And then the pandemic might just only get worse
and we don't know, so why do we keep
waiting when it might just get worse?
We're not waiting six months to get the surgery.
We're not waiting another six months.
I am with her every single day.
And I see her in pain, every single day
and it's already nine months
past the time when she told me
she couldn't take it any more.
People are making an effort to mitigate
this and I-- we--
Why right now? I mean,
let's let COVID pass and then we can all go together.
I need to be there
and I don't know why they can't wait.
I don't think that this is a selfish move,
doing this surgery.
I think we have to do this surgery.
No, no, the surgery needs to be done, I understand that.
I don't have a problem with doing the surgery.
I just have a problem with putting us all at risk
and other people at risk with us
travelling to do the surgery during this pandemic.
That's an issue to the whole family. We've been...
It's like, you have to respect people's--
Where people are on this.
I mean, here's the thing,
is, if we're going in September for the surgery,
I don't think I'm going to be going.
I'm not going to travel to--
I'm not going to go there, okay?
Gosh.
I'm trying to do what's right for Ysabel.
I understand.
But we have to do what's right for the whole family.
Not just what Ysabel needs.
We can pretend that there's no pandemic
[Christine] I'm not pretending.
-Well... -[Christine] I'm not pretending.
They wouldn't have the surgery or give us the surgery
if they thought it was unsafe.
I understand this is really important to you, Ysabel.
What do we do?
If you're going to go do the surgery,
what are we going to do?
Do we send Ysabel by herself?
Did he really just say that?
He suggested her to go by her--
So before I go irate and lose my mind
at his ridiculous, stupid suggestion,
I'm just going to assume it's the Kody rollercoaster
and he's going to realize how stupid that is
before I really have to respond that much.
[Kody] Christine and I are having a discussion
with Ysabel about her having her scoliosis surgery
in New Jersey. Maybe we should wait until
the pandemic is over before we do the surgery.
Ysabel, if you can it in September,
and had to do it by yourself,
with just Wendy taking care of you...
-[Christine] It wouldn't happen. -[Kody] Or just--
Or wait six months
and be able to have me and Mom go.
I don't know.
It's not that you're not important
- and I'm not... It's not, you're not important. - [Kody] It's really...
it's really-- It's not-- It's not...
[Christine] What are you feeling?
God, I know.
[Christine] No you're not. 100%. 100%.
I'm going with you.
I'm going with you to the surgery.
You're not going by yourself. That's not an option.
- I wouldn't do that to you. - [sniffles] Okay.
I would never, okay?
I'd never, ever do that.
It's not that I don't want you to have the surgery.
I want you to have the surgery as soon as possible.
I know. I know. I know.
All that was...
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm having a really difficult time
getting around what Ysabel needs
because of the loudness of what Christine needs,
which is all emotional needs
that she's been expressing through this whole pandemic.
So, I need to separate Christine
from Ysabel
in the decision to go have the surgery.
Honestly, it's just because I feel bad
that I'm not going to be able to go.
[Ysabel] Sure, we can wait. [sniffles]
[sniffles] Unless it does.
How long do you want me to wait?
Am I?
- [Christine] Whatever. You-- - I'm not great.
- Okay. - ...not needed any more.
- You're fine. - Okay.
I was supposed to be there with her for the surgery,
to be the person she leaned on,
the person that she got strength from.
And the challenging part of it is
Christine and I aren't getting along on things.
And, so...
it's hard for me not to see it as an opportunity
for Christine to do it without me.
All right. Let's...
[Christine] This is not a vacation.
This is a medical procedure.
And I think medical procedures have to happen.
And her surgery has to happen.
There's some things that we can put off.
But we can't stop everything.
And this is one of those things we can't stop.
- Okay. - Okay.
- All right. I'm gonna run. - Okay.
As soon as they're willing to set the appointment,
I would set the appointment.
- I will. - Okay. See ya.
Okay. Bye.
I don't understand how he cannot know
how much pain she is in.
I'm getting so frus-- anyway.
Maybe if he was around more, he'd see this more.
[softly] God! Just...
whatever.
[Kody] I don't want Ysabel to feel
like I don't want her to have the surgery.
I don't want her to feel any guilt.
I don't want her to have any sadness
from me not being there.
I just want her to know I love her.
And that I want the best for her.
[Christine] Hey, sweetheart. [sniffles]
That was...
awful.
[Kody] It's just been a challenge.
Ever since we moved to Flagstaff.
With Christine's attitude towards me,
towards the rest of the family,
we're existing in an alternate reality,
it feels like. Everything is upside down.
The struggles of plural marriage make me
just think that it's a waste of time.
So, in five months, you've hardly been here.
I'm just worried about my sanity
and our relationship.
We have embarked on an experiment
that is a failure.
[Kody] Polygamy is seriously complicated.
I mean, you take any relationship
between two people.
Now we add polygamy on to it.
Okay. Well, we were doing okay.
Then you add living a little further apart,
and then you add in COVID-19.
I don't know what's happened to the monogamous out there,
but this is really causing some problems for my family.
This is what I want to say to my wives.
It'll just be a few more weeks, okay?
So, why can't you stay home
so that I can be home?
We really are in a place
where... where we go one, we go all.
If we won't all be in that place,
we can't be a family any more.
We can't exist living like a family any more.
- [Kody] Hi. - [Janelle] Hi.
I'm glad you came by. I wanted to look
at a calendar with you.
I've got some traveling I need to do
to help Maddie this summer.
My travel will affect our ability to be
in the same house together.
Or whatever. Affect the family.
You're going out, right?
- You're going out of town? - I need to go help Maddie
with the kids.
So, we'll overlap. So you won't be able
to be here 'cause the boys just got home.
Madison told me that the surgery is the 20th.
August.
My granddaughter Evie was born
with a syndrome called FATCO. It's very rare.
And it basically means that she's missing
several bones. She still functions normally.
Mentally she's great. Physically she's great.
She just is missing a few bones.
- [Caleb] All right. - [indistinct conversation]
[Caleb] All right. You ready?
[Caleb] This is your granddaughter.
[Kody] Aw, look at that wide-eyed little baby.
[Janelle] She has one leg that's six
or seven inches shorter.
I can't remember.
So, they're getting it ready for a prosthetic,
so that she'll be able to walk.
'Cause there's such a difference
in the size of her limbs.
[Kody] Hey, it's going to be a month before I'm over here.
Maybe longer, because of how long she'll be gone,
and then quarantining when she gets back.
I'm going, "Well, are you going to come back,
and blame me for not being around?"
This isn't a good idea.
I debated asking if you wanted to come with me
on these trips, but I don't know how you would.
It's not happening. I'm just not going
- to be able to travel. - No, right.
'Cause you have too many other people
that you interact with.
[sighs] So, yeah. I think most of July is out for us.
I'm feeling a little emotional about it today.
[Kody sighs]
The implications hit me a little bit.
The idea that I'm not going to see Kody
for two months, really.
You know, I will miss Kody.
So, in five months, you've hardly been here
just because of the way schedules have overlapped.
But...
there's been nothing else to do about it.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
I can't think about it. I just have to go day-by-day.
I just don't want to pick a fight with Janelle here.
'Cause I know she's going to go,
but I wish she wasn't.
And that's like... five months, six months.
We've done worse.
I mean, I don't feel...
like we're in trouble.
With this happening,
we've done worse, but we're not as busy.
I really think that it's just made us more aware.
There's nothing else going on.
We're going "Well, why aren't we getting together
as a family?"
You know, maybe, if anything,
it's helped us see what we want.
Before COVID, they weren't
getting together to see each other.
There's this weird thing that happened
when we got in Flagstaff. It wasn't like we were
spending all that much time together.
I just miss our flow, Kody.
I just miss... you and me and our flow.
I'm just worried about my sanity
and our relationship.
I think we're fine.
- Today I'm feeling like-- - I think it's--
Because I'm looking
- and I'm like "Well, it's a month. - It's a little boring."
It's a month. It's a month.
I think I'm kinda overwhelmed by how much time
I will be apart from him this summer.
So, we have the 2nd to the 19th of August.
Then you'll be gone for how long? For--
Probably a week.
- Evie's operation and-- - Probably a week.
[Kody] If I expressed to Janelle
how I feel right now,
I think it'll just spoil her fun.
I need her to be able to go and do this
for Madison,
be with the grandkids,
and really have an enjoyable experience.
And me sour-graping about it isn't
going to help her at all.
This is where I need you to say
"I love you, and this doesn't matter,
and we'll get through this."
I'm just gonna tell you
what I need to hear from you.
Okay. [laughs] I'm sorry. Well, we're gonna survive.
We'll be okay. I love you, and I miss you.
And we'll be all right.
We've done harder than this before.
- We have done a lot harder. - As long as it doesn't last
a lot longer, and we're still able to,
you know, the distance. I mean, this is going to be
the longest stint that we've had apart so far.
You will be fine, sweetheart.
We'll rekindle our romance
- when we get back. - [Janelle laughs]
- Our raging romance. - Yeah.
- All right? - All right.
I have really cynical dark days.
The struggles of plural marriage make me
just think that it's a waste of time,
that we have... we have embarked
on an experiment that is a failure.
And the COVID has kind of punctuated that.
And I'm just wondering
how long our family can survive this.
How much of this can we go through?
- All right. - All right.
- [chuckles] Well, see ya. - Bye.
[Janelle] All right. See you.
[Christine] So, I'm going to talk to Kody
and my sister-wives about us moving
back to Utah.
Oh, my gosh! We can move back home.
[Janelle] There's nothing for me in Utah.
So, the idea of giving this up is making me sort of...
my gut reaction is anger.
[Christine] So, today, I'm going to talk
to Kody and my sister-wives
about us moving back to Utah.
I talked to Kody already about it.
It went great, I thought.
And you know, at the end, I felt
Yeah, really hopeful.
So, I'm looking forward to going
into this conversation with everybody,
um, knowing that I've got some support from Kody.
It means a lot when you go into it
to have some support like that.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hello. - Hi.
[Janelle] I'm gonna go get my chair.
[Christine] I love that shirt.
[Meri] Thank you. Every hour should be happy hour.
That sounds like a drinking game. [chuckles]
[shouting] It's because I am happy
with my life!
Oh, no! That sounds like a drinking game.
My other favorite one says "Beach, please."
And it's so cute walking through stores.
All the old people are like, "Oh, I wanna be at the beach!"
I'm like, "You know that's not what that means, right?"
- [Christine] Yes. - [Meri laughs]
What's beach mean?
Bitch, please!
I swear he doesn't get humor.
I don't know what is wrong with him.
Hello! We're in the shade.
[Robyn] Every time I'm out here on the property,
I'm just reminded of what our goals are.
We want to get out here on this property together.
Remember? [chuckles]
[Janelle] I'm taking this class right now.
It talks about all of our local plants.
- [Robyn] Huh. - And this weekend,
there's three days of plant walks.
- [Robyn] Seriously? - Yeah.
Christine had indicated that she has something
she wants to talk to us about.
So, she said she wasn't excited,
so I'm a little bit apprehensive.
But the only way forward is to move through.
[Christine] Okay. So, let's just start.
So, when we went to the Dargers,
and when we first saw them,
I did almost cry. It's true.
It was just so good to see them again, you know?
It was so good to see them.
[Christine] Oh, my gosh. This is totally different!
- [woman] Well, hello. - [laughing]
Oh, hi, baby.
- [Joe] Good to see you. - [Christine] Good to see you.
- Gosh, you look good. - You do, too.
Joe married Alina and Vicki forever ago.
And then years and years later,
Val was married. She got a divorce from her husband,
and she married Joe. That's Vicki's sister.
It took me by surprise how normal I felt.
I felt normal with them. I guess it's, you know, why
when you live in a monogamous role
I think it's a struggle to feel normal, you know?
It's hard to just always be an oddity.
You know? It's hard.
There's always this level of understanding
that they don't have.
Even we're contemplating what we want to build
for our final dream home.
I want to design our house where we have,
still a central kitchen that we all share,
but then each of these guys
with their own little, kind of apartment.
And then more--
And Joe wants, actually, his bedroom.
- [Joe] I want my own bedroom. - He wants a bedroom.
[everyone exclaiming]
- You want your own bedroom? - I'm there.
[indistinct chatter]
I am sick of going to three closets.
I'll never get that. That'll never be allowed.
[Christine] The difference was so apparent
when we saw the Dargers.
It was just so apparent
that we needed to be around more like-minded people.
When Kody proposed moving back in Vegas,
I, at first, really wanted to go to Utah, too.
But then I thought, you know, I really don't want that life.
I really don't want to be fighting all the time
and feel like I've got
some sword hanging over my head.
And, so, I was just too afraid.
I was too afraid to move back to Utah.
[sighs] And then SB102 happened.
And polygamy got decriminalized.
And I wonder why we're still here.
Okay. So, SB102 is a bill that was
um, introduced by a senator, that basically said,
"Let's make polygamy decriminalized."
Polygamy in Utah is just like a speeding ticket.
They're fine
with plural families legally there now.
Oh, my gosh! We can move back home.
We can be by family again.
We can be back home.
I want to move back.
I think we have a beautiful property here.
I'm not saying we don't.
But we haven't done anything. We've been here for two years.
And we haven't really done anything.
Isn't it obvious that we're not gonna build
on the property to anyone but me?
Are you thinking because we haven't developed yet,
that there's no destiny in us being here,
and thus we should be moving to Utah?
We're not doing anything.
I just feel like if we really were going
to do stuff on the property,
it wouldn't have taken two years to do nothing.
Nothing's happened, so...
I think the universe is just saying something here too.
Maybe the angels are singing, "Oh, my gosh!
The law's changed in Utah."
Let's move back, 'cause we haven't done a thing, you know...
[quietly] Yeah.
I'm proposing that we not develop this land,
even though it's wonderful and magical.
And you guys have been dreaming on this land for a long time,
I haven't.
I immediately stopped
because I started dreaming about Utah and going back.
And I'm gonna be honest, I would've already been gone had it just been me,
alone or whatever, I would've been gone.
And you don't think that you would have...
Or, do you think, I guess I should say...
Do you think that just because of a law or a bill,
you are going to be accepted,
and can do and say whatever you want
without, like, all the repercussions?
I don't-- I think I'm gonna get that wherever I live.
The kids certainly have.
Ysabel's got so much crap here, at school.
So much crap because of what her parents do.
So much crap.
Gabriel, when Gabriel was still in the public school,
and Savanah have had no problems, no comments,
you know what I mean, about our family.
I'm not saying it didn't happen,
but that's just not been the experience of my kids.
I can't tell...
[sighs in exasperation]
I sort of feel like she's just trying to make the case now to move.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't know.
As much as I would love to live in Utah,
I have to think about the long term effects on Sol and Ari.
You know, 'cause Breanna's just got a couple of years left
before she's out of high school.
And so I would really be worried about, like,
the issues that they would run into
knowing that their parents are polygamous,
and I'd be very, very concerned the whole entire time.
I really do understand.
[sighs] It's really tough because I wish I could move to Utah.
But just because it's mostly decriminalized
doesn't mean there isn't some sort of issue with it.
It's still an infraction.
What if they change it again?
What if something big happens and they find a bunch of stuff and some big-shot comes in
and pushes for something even scarier than ever before,
and we're living there.
There's nothing for me in Utah.
Nothing.
My children aren't there.
You have a lot of children there.
There's nothing for me there.
This is the dream I always wanted when we lived in Wyoming.
So, the idea of giving this up is making me sort of...
My gut reaction is anger.
Okay.
And I don't know how to reconcile that and keep everybody happy.
I'm a little bit surprised.
I don't know, just because something changes,
doesn't mean that we uproot and pull those stakes again.
I don't feel any calling to go back to Utah.
To me, it just represents loneliness again.
It's the same amount of loneliness to have here, but at least I have this property.
And I'll be living in some sub-division in Utah. Like in some house.
Who knows if we'd even be together.
We've all committed to this land,
and all of a sudden she's like "Well, I think we should just sell it and move to Utah."
Wait a minute! First of all, that's like whiplash.
And then, secondly,
like, what about all the effort and agreements and discussions
that we've had about developing this property, and all of a sudden,
you want to throw it away because some law has changed?
No social rules have changed in Utah.
We will still face stigma. Our kids will still be persecuted in school.
And you wanna go because the law is changed,
and I think it's mostly 'cause her kids are there now.
Honestly, I think that's what it's about.
It's that her kids are there now.
I don't know. I think that once we basically were kicked out of Utah,
I've just kind of had a feeling of,
"I'm not gonna grace you with my presence, then."
I feel like there's a big difference
between me owning a business and providing a home for my mother
and me living in Utah.
I don't live in Utah, and I'm not going to.
[man shouting] Families, not felons!
You wanted to kick us out? Fine, I'll stay out.
I don't need you... [laughs] You know what I mean?
I'm in a place where I feel like my kids, my kids love it here.
This is the most likely place for any of our kids to move back, our adult kids.
For the price, we would never be able to replace this in Utah.
I'm surprised because I thought Kody was more in favor of this.
He's acting like we've never even talked about it and that
he wasn't in favor of it the last time we talked.
[Kody] I am extremely frustrated that now she wants to move to Utah,
after we're really, kind of, very deep in Flagstaff.
We've got so much money strung out on homes and property here.
Now she wants to move.
Present it to your sister wives.
They've always been able to blame me
because that's just one more of the double standards in plural marriage.
Is that the husband always gets blamed.
You have two wives complaining about each other.
Guess what, it's my fault.
Kids, squabbles with kids, it's my fault.
"I need a new job." It's my fault.
Career change, my fault. Everything's my fault.
Christine's gonna say this. They're gonna think I put her up to it,
but she owns this 100%.
Finally, it's not my fault.
Even though you really want to be in Utah more,
could you settle and be here on this property?
- Or is that too much to answer right now? - That's too much.
So you're really--
Your heart is really with going to Utah?
I've been thinking about it since polygamy got decriminalized.
'Cause to me, it was just the next logical thought
that would make the most sense.
You are considering going there regardless,
or are you?
I don't know, Meri.
If everybody-- Can we sensitively consider, Christine, that you
sort of feel torn?
I don't know if it's "torn" really. That you feel that...
And keep moving forward with this property and just always
keep that thought, that that's what you want.
I mean...
- [Christine sobs] - I'm trying to honor you,
but see if we can keep moving forward here.
We're not moving, are we?
[sobbing]
[continues sobbing]
[Christine sobbing quietly]
[continues sobbing]
[Kody] Did you think that everybody else
was going to feel the same way about moving back?
You just anticipated that everybody else would feel the same way
because if the law changed, it'd be easy for us to go back.
I just don't know why Kody's not being supportive.
As just, kind of, a parent-- I don't know. I don't wanna give up hope yet,
but I'm pretty sure--
I don't know.
When we were there,
you guys all talked about how Utah was home,
and the mountains were home,
and family was there, so I thought that you felt the same.
I'm sorry. I just don't even know how to...
how to make this okay for you.
Um...
So when we went, I mean, it did feel like that, but it's just--
It's home, but it's not friendly.
That's how I feel.
I mean, there's a part of it that will always be home to me.
Always.
But it's not friendly to us and...
I don't know. I just don't know how to...
feel comfortable doing that to my kids.
I don't know.
Come here. Come here, come here, come here, come here.
[Christine] Oh, God.
- [Meri] Come here. - [Christine] What?
I don't know what just happened.
I mean, I'm sitting here going "Wait a second,
Why didn't you pitch it to 'em? You were enthusiastic about it."
It seems like she didn't even try.
Meri, I can't do marriage with Kody any more. I don't wanna--
- [Meri] Just look at the mountain. - I don't wanna do it any more.
- [Meri] Don't talk about that. - [scoffs]
[Meri] Just look at the mountain.
[Christine sobbing] That's what you saw that day.
I can't go there today.
Don't go there.
Just go with the mountain.
That's it.
[quietly] It's not enough.
It's not enough.
- Then make it enough. - But it's not.
Then make it. You don't get to give up like that.
Why?
'Cause you're not a quitter.
Why is it quitting?
'Cause it's quitting.
Look at me.
You know where I am.
You know where I have been.
Or are you just hurting?
I'm just hurting.
Then you can't say what you want or don't want at this point.
Okay? You don't get to say that.
I don't feel like this any more.
- I don't feel like-- - 'Cause you're hurting.
And when you're hurting, you can't be real with your feelings.
- I promise. - Or it's just changed.
- Are you hurting right now? - Yes.
Then you're hurting.
- It's not change, you're just hurting. - So what does that mean?
- I don't wanna hurt any more. - It means you need to fill hole--
Then you're giving up if you're just hurting.
Maybe it's not giving up.
- It is. - Maybe it's not.
Maybe it just looks different.
And it's fine with looking different.
I don't believe that "look different" crap.
I do not believe that.
People say it, but I do not believe it.
[sighs in exasperation] I don't--
I just don't.
I don't wanna look at the mountains
and remember the angels, how they were singing,
and I felt this pull.
I agreed to move to Flagstaff.
And I followed Kody here.
But it's been a struggle the whole time.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter.
I'm tired of not having his support when I really need it.
I'm just tired.
I need a partnership. I need...
something different than this.
I get things change.
And I get "hurt". Okay?
But that doesn't mean deep down there's not something that really you want.
And that you can fight for, and that you can work for.
But you have to do it in your heart.
You have to do the work.
And it's hard.
And you can't give up.
And you're not by that. It looks so different than "It can change."
I made a commitment.
I made a commitment to Kody, I made a commitment to the family.
I made a commitment to Janelle, and Christine, and Robyn.
To me, that's what family is about.
You didn't put 30 years into this... 25, 28, wherever you are--
To walk away.
I didn't put 30 years in to walk away.
- Okay? - Okay.
[Christine] I appreciate everything Meri is saying, I do.
She's lived through a lot.
But her relationship with Kody certainly isn't one that I would want.
And the relationship that I have with Kody isn't what I would want either.
What I have here...
is not what I want right now.
[birds chirping]