- JEENA. [bikini snaps]
HANG ON A SECOND, MAN,
I'VE GOT TO LOWER THE FLAG.
- THINK ABOUT BASEBALL.
- NOPE. - DEAD PUPPIES.
- IT'S NOT WORKING!
- OKAY, THIS CALLS FOR DRASTIC MEASURES.
[whispers indistinctly] - WHAT? OH, OH, "D" LIST!
- SOMEHOW IT GOT EVEN HARDER.
- HELLO, MY SURFING MANATEE!
- HI, MOM!
OKAY, THAT DID IT. LET'S GO IN.
- UH, NOW I'M GOING TO NEED A MINUTE, DUDE.
[upbeat music]
*
- READY TO RINSE, MA!
- SHUTTING IT DOWN, KIDDO!
- TOWEL ME!
- INCOMING!
TART'S UP! CLEARED FOR THE HAIR DRYER!
[plop] - SWISH. FLUSHING!
- OH, CRAP. [explosion]
- OH, GOD, NO!
RINSING AGAIN.
- HAVE A GREAT DAY, MY LITTLE TICKLE MONSTER.
OH, TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE! - [laughs] OKAY.
OKAY, I GOT TO GO.
- GOOD MORNING, MY LITTLE TICKLE MONSTER.
- JUST DRIVE, DUDE.
[laughs]
[car horn cacophony] - [sighs]
THIS SUCKS!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON TODAY?
- MY SISTER'S TAPING
HER STUPID SWEET 16 REALITY SHOW FOR MTV.
- HEY, HOW COME YOU'RE NEVER ON HER SHOW?
- I HAVE MY REASONS.
- NO RUSH, KID.
WE'RE ON OVERTIME.
[upbeat rock music plays]
*
- I'M MILAN.
MY DADDY'S BILLIONAIRE BROCK STONE.
YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM MY TWEEN IMPLANTS,
OR VH1's A HUNDRED REASONS NOT TO HAVE KIDS.
MY HOBBIES INCLUDE STAYING IN SHAPE...
[retches]
AND MAKING THINGS HORNY.
JOIN ME THIS WEEK,
AS WE LEAD UP TO THE BEST SUPER, SWEET 16 EVER.
TODAY, I ASK YOU, AMERICA, TO HELP ME PICK MY DREAM DATE
FOR THE BIGGEST NIGHT OF MY-- AND YOUR--LIVES.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW EXCITED PEOPLE GET FOR THIS NONSENSE?
MONDO?
- I'M SO EXCITED!
- [over P.A.] LET'S GIVE A HAND
FOR PLAYA DEL TORO'S HOMEGROWN HOTTIE--
A GIRL WHO'S GOT MORE PLASTIC IN HER,
THAN ME ON NEW DILDO DAY,
MILAN STONE.
AND NOW, LET'S MEET OUR CELEBRITY BEEFCAKES.
JOHN MAYER--YOU KNOW HIM FROM HATING HIS GUTS.
RYAN CABRERA-- FROM...FROM--
YEAH, YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
AND FINALLY, MULTIPLE GOLD MEDALIST,
THE FLYING TOMATO HIMSELF, CARROT TOP.
TEXT YOUR VOTE NOW
TO DECIDE WHICH OF THESE TENDER MORSELS OF MAN-FLESH
WILL BE MILAN'S SWEET 16 DATE.
[chime rings]
[keys tapping]
[electronic trilling]
- [grunting]
[sighs] LONNIE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE?
- STEALING BOLTS. - [screams]
- MAN, THAT KID IS FALLING FAST!
- [screams]
[cheers and applause]
- WHAT THE [bleep] DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING,
YOU STUPID FAT PEASANT?
- SORRY, EVERYBODY, SORRY.
- YOU IDIOT!
THE DAY I TAKE YOU TO MY PARTY,
IS THE DAY I GO DOWN ON EVERY GUY IN THE SCHOOL.
[keys tapping, chime ringing]
[cheering]
- NO!
- TEETS OUT.
- NO MOTHER-EFFING WAY.
I AM MILAN STONE--MY FARTS ARE OTHER GIRLS' DREAMS, OKAY?
I AM PERFECT, AND I DESERVE PERFECT.
- OH, PERFECT IS SO LAST SEASON.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST CHECK PEREZ HILTON.
- YOU SUITS ARE COMPROMISING MY VISION.
- WELL, FINE. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED,
WE'VE GOT A GIRL IN COLORADO
WHO'S CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO TAKE AN ETHNIC LEPER
TO HER QUINCEANERA.
- THAT WHORE!
OKAY, I'LL DO IT.
- HEY, GUYS, IT'S THE STUPID FAT PEASANT!
- OH, MY GOD. THERE HE IS.
- DID YOU SEE THAT, WOODIE? I'VE GOT A GROUPIE!
I'VE GOT HEAT! I'M A FLASH IN THE PAN!
- WHAT ABOUT JEENA? - I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU FINALLY FACED REALITY, MOONBEAM.
SHE'S WITH TURK.
- I'M THINKING ABOUT
TRADING THIS BABY IN FOR A MOTORBOAT.
[imitates cycle engine] - [giggles]
- SEE? THAT WOULD HAVE SENT OLD MONDO
INTO A SPIRAL OF HURT AND MASTURBATORY ANGER.
BUT NEW MONDO'S A REALITY STAR, AND DOESN'T HAVE TO BOTHER
WITH ORDINARY FEELINGS.
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
- I SEE WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
ARE YOU WEIRDED OUT BY ME DATING YOUR SISTER?
- NO, I'M COOL WITH IT.
JUST BE A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, CAUTIOUS.
- OH, CONDOMS. WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
- THAT'S KETCHUP. - OH, RIGHT.
CONDOM POCKET, CONDIMENT POCKET--
I ALWAYS GET THOSE MIXED UP.
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY MY HAMBURGER WAS SO RUBBERY.
- JUST PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T GET TOO CARRIED AWAY WITH EVERYTHING.
- YOU KIDDING ME, MAN? I'M TOTALLY,
100% COMPLETELY GROUNDED.
OH, MY GOD! IS THAT MY HELICOPTER?
- * I GOT FRIENDS, I GOT MONEY, I GOT CARS-- *
- TIME FOR MY INVITATION, BITCHES!
FIRST ONE GOES TO MY EVERYMAN UNDERDOG DATE...
MONDO!
- REALLY? - OF COURSE, SILLY.
NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT I TOTALLY DON'T CARE
ABOUT LOOKS OR MONEY...
OR BODY ODOR.
- I TAKE A PILL FOR THAT NOW.
- UGH! - HEY, WADSKA.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GROSS DISPLAY OF DECADENCE?
OH! FOR ME?
OH, WHATEVER SHALL I WEAR? AH!
"YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW
TO STAY AT LEAST 50 YARDS AWAY FROM"--
THIS IS A RESTRAINING ORDER!
- ISN'T SHE CREATIVE?
- UGH!
- THIS...IS...WAR, BITCHES!
- OH, WOW.
THIS IS PERFECT. - FOR WHAT?
- I WANT TO GIVE IT TO MILAN FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
WHEN WE WERE KIDS, WE USED TO COLLECT SHELLS.
- REALLY? MILAN DID THAT?
- YEAH, SHE WAS WAY INTO NATURE.
WE WERE INSEPARABLE.
MILAN, WHAT DID YOU GET?
- HEY, WOODSTER,
I FOUND A CONCH SHELL.
YOU WANT TO HEAR THE MAGIC OCEAN INSIDE?
- AW, HOW ABOUT A PICTURE?
- THANKS, LONNIE.
- WOW, THAT'S A REALLY THOUGHTFUL GIFT.
[cell phone chimes] UH, I GOT TO GO MEET MILAN
AT YOUR REAL HOUSE, DUDE.
HEY, WHY HAVEN'T YOU EVER TAKEN ME UP THERE?
- I FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE OUT HERE.
ALL THE MATERIAL STUFF GIVES ME THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? MONDO?
- [shrieking with glee]
[doorbell chimes]
- OH, LOOK.
IT'S THE CHUBBY RELATABLE DATE
THAT YOU GUYS SO AWESOMELY PICKED FOR ME.
OH, COME ON IN. I'LL SHOW YOU THE HOUSE.
LOOK, COULD YOU JUST TRY NOT TO EMBARRASS ME?
- BABE, I WOULD NEVER EMBARRASS YOU.
IS THAT A VAGINA?
- NO, IT'S A GEORGIA O'KEEFFE.
- HEY, I DON'T CARE WHOSE VAGINA IT IS--
IT'S AS PRETTY AS A ROSE.
- IT IS A ROSE. - EXACTLY.
- [titters] UH, COME ON, GUYS.
LET ME SHOW YOU THE REST OF THE HOUSE.
[upbeat rock music]
*
THIS IS MY 4-D SCREENING ROOM. [heroic music]
- OW!
- THIS IS MY DOG FITNESS CENTER--
COMPLETE WITH SHIH TZU SHIATSU.
[sighs] MY CHANDELIER IS FROM PARIS.
MY RUG IS FROM THE ORIENT.
AND MY SISTER, WE PICKED UP FROM AFRICA.
*
AND HERE ARE MY AWESOME PARENTS, BETHENNY AND BROCK.
- WOW! YOU HAVE A DAD TOO?
- AND OVER HERE IS CHEF RAMSAY.
- [bleep] OFF!
- ISN'T HE THE BEST?
HE MAKES ALL MY FAVORITE AFTER-SCHOOL SNACKS
THAT I EAT AND THEN UNSWALLOW.
AND THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT.
THANKS FOR COMING BY MY HOUSE, GUYS.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE,
'CAUSE WE'RE TOTALLY GOING TO DO IT.
- AND CUT!
- SO, UH, I GUESS WE'LL TOTALLY DO IT LATER?
- READY TO HIT THE WAVES, MAN?
- OH, OKAY.
- BUT WOODFORD, YOUR FRIEND HASN'T SEEN
THE REST OF THE HOUSE YET.
YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TO SHOW OFF MY OBSCENE WEALTH.
- I'M SURE HE'D RATHER BE OUT ON THE SURF.
RIGHT, MONDO? - YEAH, I-I GUESS.
- BUT ALL OF THE BATHROOMS
IN THE EASTERN WING HAVE BIDETS.
AND ALL THE BIDETS HAVE REMOTE CONTROLS.
- COME ON, MONDO. THE WAVES--NATURE'S BIDET.
- I'LL GO SURFING TOMORROW. I PROMISE.
WOW.
- I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME ALONE.
- WHOO! [laughs]
HUH? OH!
MMM. [blubbers]
OOH. - NO RUSH KID.
WE'RE ON OVERTIME.
- YOU GETTING THIS, BOYS?
- OH, MONDO, HONEY,
YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.
WHAT'S WITH THE HAIR? - IT'S THE "BIEBER".
- OH, THANK GOD.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOME KIND OF LESBIAN INTRUDER.
- NO, MA, I GOT A MAKEOVER.
I'M TAKING THE RICHEST GIRL IN TOWN
TO THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR. LOOK!
[static, banging] - MONDO, SETTLE DOWN.
I WAS A LITTLE LATE PAYING THE BILL.
I'M SORRY. HERE, HAVE SOME DIN-DIN.
- GREAT, ANOTHER SENT-BACK SPECIAL.
- WHAT? IT'S BARELY BEEN TOUCHED.
AND THE CUSTOMER HAD A VERY CLEAN MOUTH.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DOOR?
- OH, IT FELL OFF THE HINGES,
SO I HUNG UP A BEADED CURTAIN.
PRETTY GROOVY, HUH?
I'LL GET IT FIXED AFTER PAYDAY.
- AND WHEN IS THAT EXACTLY?
- EXCUSE ME? COME ON, KIDDO.
YOU KNOW I BUST MY TAIL TO GET US EVERYTHING WE NEED.
- GIVE ME A BREAK, MA. OUR HOUSE IS FALLING APART,
AND ALL WE EAT ARE LEFTOVERS THAT OTHER PEOPLE LEFT OVER.
I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH IT SUCKS BEING POOR.
- POOR? YOU DON'T KNOW POOR.
YOU'VE GOT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD,
A BLOCK FROM THE BEACH.
YOU'VE GOT A VIDEO GAME FOR YOUR "PLAY-BOX" AND "WEE-WEE."
AND YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY WASTING AWAY OVER THERE.
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?
- EXPENSIVE WATER SHOT FROM AN EXPENSIVE TOILET!
THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME! [beads jingle]
THESE THINGS ARE REALLY HARD TO SLAM!
[tires squeal]
- TOO LATE, YOU JUST MISSED HIS LIMO.
- [sighs] WOODIE, YOU LIKE LEFTOVERS?
- THANKS, BABS.
- SOMETHING WRONG, HONEY?
- I THINK MONDO'S GETTING CAUGHT UP
IN THIS MONEY STUFF.
I'M NOT SURE WHETHER TO WARN HIM
OR JUST LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT HIMSELF.
- AS HIS MOM, I GO THROUGH THAT EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT DAD, WOODIE.
- [internal] IS SHE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
SHE THINKS I'D MAKE A GREAT DAD TO MONDO,
ERGO SHE THINKS I WOULD BE A GREAT HUSBAND TO HER?
I THINK SHE JUST PROPOSED.
I DO. BABS?
[hip-hop music plays] - WOW, MONDO.
YOU LOOK LIKE A JEWEL THIEF. - ISN'T IT GREAT?
YOU'RE GOING TO MY PARTY, RIGHT?
- OH, MILAN'S? YEAH. I WOULDN'T MISS IT.
HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU TWO?
- OH, GREAT. WE HAVE A CLASSIC BANTER,
LIKE PATTINSON AND STEWART.
THERE'S MY BETTER HALF.
- YEAH, THE DAY I'M HALF OF YOU, I'LL KILL MYSELF.
- [hysterical laugh] ZING, DARLING. ZING!
UNDENIABLE CHEMISTRY.
- MONDO, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,
BUT I THINK YOU DESERVE BETTER.
- YOU GOT TO CUT BACK ON THE FRO-YO, BABE.
YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW MY SHOCKS. [laughs]
- MAYBE YOU DESERVE BETTER TOO.
- PSST! PSST!
THE SALAMANDER IS LATE TO HIS OWN EXECUTION.
- HUH?
- THE CORNISH HEN IS EXPECTING GUESTS.
- WHAT?
- UGH! HOW MUCH CLEARER DO I HAVE TO MAKE THIS?
TOGETHER WE WILL SABOTAGE MILAN'S PARTY,
AND TOPPLE HER FASHIONISTA REGIME!
[maniacal laughter]
OH, IT FEELS SO GOOD HAVING A MAN ON THE INSIDE.
- WADSKA, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- OH, I SEE. YOU CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
[gasps] THEY'RE LISTENING, AREN'T THEY?
HIT ME! MAKE IT LOOK REAL.
NO TIME!
- DUDE, THERE YOU ARE.
IT'S MY BIG NIGHT.
HOW DO I LOOK? - LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.
- ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
- WE HAVEN'T HUNG OUT ALL WEEK.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN ACTING A LITTLE STRANGE?
- I'VE BEEN ACTING STRANGE? OH!
YOU'VE GOT THIS AMAZING FAMILY,
ALL THE STUFF YOU COULD EVER WANT,
AND YOU'RE LIVING OUT HERE IN A DOGHOUSE.
- COME ON, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
- WHOA, THIS IS YOUR ROOM?
- NO, THIS IS A SHRINE
TO A KID THAT MY PARENTS WANTED ME TO BE.
- IT SAYS HERE, YOU TOOK HOME THE BRONZE METAL
FOR BOBSLEDDING IN 2006.
- THOSE ARE FROM EBAY.
- HMM. I WONDER HOW MUCH THEY PAID
FOR THIS LAME POKEMON TOURNAMENT PARTICIPANT RIBBON.
- NO, THAT'S MINE.
COME LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. THIS WAS THE ONLY TIME
ALL OF US WERE TOGETHER ON THE WHOLE TRIP.
MY DAD PAID TARA REID $50,000 TO TAKE THIS PICTURE.
AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT HE PAID HER FOR.
- AWESOME. - YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
HERE. THIS ONE'S FROM BEFORE MY DAD MADE HIS MILLIONS.
MONEY CHANGED MY FAMILY.
AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT CHANGE YOU TOO.
- I HAVEN'T CHANGED.
I JUST HAVE A NEW HAIRCUT... AND A HAT.
A NEW HAIRCUT AND A HAT-- THAT'S IT.
AND A BLAZER. THE HAIRCUT,
THE HAT AND THE BLAZER. AND THAT'S IT.
[cell phone rings] AND A PUBLICIST.
THE HAIRCUT, THE HAT, THE BLAZER AND THE PUBLICIST.
THAT'S IT.
I'LL TOTES BE DOWNSIES IN 5-0. THANKS, DARLING.
AND A NEW WAY OF TALKING.
OKAY, SO THERE'S THE HAIRCUT,
THE HAT, THE BLAZER,
THE PUBLICIST, AND A NEW WAY OF TALKING.
THAT'S IT, WOODIE. - DON'T YOU THINK MILAN
MIGHT JUST BE... USING YOU FOR THE SHOW?
- WHOA. WHAT? USING ME?
- MILAN DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.
I HEARD HER CALL YOU MEGATRON.
- YEAH? SO?
THAT'S HER PET NAME FOR ME.
- GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN HERE... WHAT'S-YOUR-NAME!
- AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
SHE GIVES ME A LOT OF PET NAMES.
[cheering]
- * EVERYBODY JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME *
[techno music plays]
*
[cheering] - [grunts]
FALCON, COME IN, FALCON.
PERIMETER IS BREACHED.
EAGLE OUT! ROGER THAT, EAGLE.
FALCON OUT.
- MILAN, LOOK OVER HERE! - NO, OVER HERE!
- HEY TURK, DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER?
- BETTER YET, LET'S SHOOT A VIDEO--
"ONE NIGHT IN VA-JEENA."
[groans]
- CUT!
- OH, HEY, GISELE!
GIRL, YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL ME
WHAT TOM BRADY'S PENIS LOOKS LIKE.
[growls]
- HEY, WOODIE!
ISN'T THAT YOUR SISTER'S PARTY?
- YEAH, NOT MY SCENE.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORKED ON SATURDAYS?
- YEAH, I PICKED UP SOME EXTRA SHIFTS.
PRINCE MONDO WANTS A DOOR.
TIMES ARE TOUGH, YOU KNOW?
WE DON'T-- WE DON'T HAVE MUCH.
- ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU AND MONDO HAVE IT GREAT.
YOU GUYS CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING,
AND YOU JUST LET HIM BE WHO HE IS.
HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE A MOM LIKE YOU.
- OH, WOODIE, YOU'RE A SWEETHEART.
HEY, YOU KNOW, MONDO AND I USUALLY HAVE MOVIE NIGHT
ON SATURDAYS, AND I JUST PAID MY CABLE BILL.
YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND SEE WHAT'S ON THE BOOB TUBE?
- [internal] "BOOB TUBE"?
SHE COULD HAVE JUST SAID "TV."
IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!
- OH, HEY, WADSKA.
- AH! - HAVE YOU SEEN WOODIE?
- NO REAL NAMES!
I WILL MEET YOU AT THE RENDEZVOUS POINT
IN TEN STROKES.
- UH, WOODIE? BALLS!
SORRY! I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR WOODIE.
- NO PROBLEM, MONDO. I WAS JUST HELPING PILAR
FIND HER CONTACT LENS.
- IT WAS IN MY P--
[fabric rips]
- OH, HI, MRS. STONE.
HAVE YOU SEEN WOODIE?
- WELL, I CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
SAY, COULD YOU BE A DEAR AND HAND ME THAT CUP OVER THERE?
- SURE. DOING SOME BAKING?
- NOPE.
[violent sniff]
- YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S ON? I'M GOING TO GO
SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.
- [internal] OH, MAN. IN THE MOVIES,
THAT ALWAYS MEANS SEX CLOTHING.
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE, WOOD MAN.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT WITH BABS--
YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MOM.
OH MAN, WHY DOES BABS HAVE TO BE MONDO'S MOM?
- ANYTHING GOOD ON? - I DON'T THINK
I CAN GO THROUGH WITH THIS!
I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG,
I-I THINK ABOUT YOU INTENSELY TWICE,
MAYBE THREE TIMES A DAY.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU'RE JUMBLED UP
WITH MEGAN FOX OR KATY PERRY,
BUT YOU ARE DEFINITELY ALWAYS IN THE MIX.
- WOODIE, I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG IDEA.
- AND I DON'T THINK IT'D BE VERY COOL TO HIM
IF WE, YOU KNOW-- - ALL RIGHT, WOODIE.
I'LL TRY TO RESTRAIN MYSELF.
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND TO MONDO.
NOW LET'S CHANNEL SOME OF THAT EXTRA ENERGY
INTO MAKING SOME POPCORN.
- WHEW!
- THIS ONE'S FROM MY AFRICAN SISTER BOOMIE.
"A GENEROUS DONATION HAS BEEN MADE ON YOUR BEHALF
TO THE SAVE DARFUR FOUNDATION."
AH, BITCH! THIS IS MY PARTY!
WHY ARE OTHER PEOPLE GETTING PRESENTS?
- NEXT ONE'S FROM US, MONEYFACE.
[car horn toots] - OH, MY [bleep]ING GOD!
- OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
- IT'S NAVY BLUE, NOT MIDNIGHT BLUE!
GOD, DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?
- UH, HERE MILAN. OPEN THIS ONE.
IT'S FROM WOODIE.
- EW, WHAT, DID HE FIND THIS ON THE GROUND?
- WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
WOODIE PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THAT.
YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FIXATED ON MONEY
THAT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN WOODIE EVEN EXISTS.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE!
TELL HIM, WOODIE.
- SPEAK UP, SON.
- THAT'S A MOP!
- STAND UP STRAIGHT, DEAR.
- OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
- ME EMBARRASS YOU?
[microphone feedback]
I'VE GOT THE COOLEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD,
AND HE'S YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR SON,
AND NONE OF US EVEN APPRECIATE HIM.
SURE ALL THIS WEALTH CAN BE SEDUCTIVE.
I GOT SEDUCED TOO.
DID I LIKE GETTING ATTENTION FROM A GIRL? YES.
AND DID I LIKE BEING SHOWERED WITH GIFTS
A POOR KID COULD NEVER AFFORD? YES.
AND DID I LIKE THAT ONE DAY WHEN MILAN WORE THE TUBE DRESS
AND HAD THAT NIP SLIP? A THOUSAND TIMES, YES.
BUT I THINK WE ALL NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
[walkie-talkies beep] UH...
SO IN SHORT, YOU'RE A TOTAL BITCH
AND I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU ON NATIONAL TELEVISION,
BUT I HOPE YOU LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND HONEY, THE NAME IS MONDO. [cheering]
- MONDO, THAT WAS BADASS.
COME ON. I KNOW A WAY OUT.
[tires screech] - HOP IN.
- YOU GUYS BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
- TEN, NINE,
EIGHT... - JEENA, YOU KNOW
HOW WE WERE TALKING BEFORE
ABOUT HOW I DESERVED SOMEBODY BETTER,
AND YOU DESERVED SOMEBODY BETTER?
- UH-HUH.
- WELL, NOW THAT I'M SINGLE AGAIN,
MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR YOU AND I--
- ONE. SUPER SWEET SABOTAGE!
- WE'LL JUST TALK ON MONDAY!
[explosions] - [screams]
[horse neighs]
[horse whinnies] - PISS OFF, HORSE!
[all gasp]
[laughter]
- NO RUSH, KID. WE'RE ON OVERTIME.
[smash, fizzle]
- PRECIOUS, YOU A DUMMY!
DON'T NOBODY WANT YOU, DON'T NOBODY NEED YOU.
- MAN, MARTIN LAWRENCE IS NOT FUNNY IN THIS.
[tires squeal] - MONDO!
- OH, MOM! I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
I'M SO SORRY I WAS SUCH A DOUCHE.
OH, YOU'RE THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD.
AND WOODIE, MAN, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT YOUR SISTER,
AND ABOUT ME FORGETTING WHO I AM,
AND ABOUT EVERYTHING.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CAN YOU GUYS FORGIVE ME?
- OF COURSE, BRO. - I DON'T KNOW.
I SHOULD PROBABLY ASK... THE TICKLE MONSTER!
TICKLE, TICKLE, TICKLE!
[wet squish] - OOPS!
- UH-OH. - POPPED A MAYO PACKET.
- WOODIE, YOU HAVE A CONDIMENT POCKET TOO?
- BOARD SHORTS, NO POCKETS. GOT TO GO!
[groovy music]
*