[seagull squawks]
- DUDE, PUBE CITY COME ALIVE!
WHAT ONCE WAS A ONE-HAIR TOWN, HAS BLOSSOMED
INTO A BUSTLING CURLY METROPOLIS.
- I'M STILL MAYOR OF PEACHFUZZ VILLAGE.
NOT EVEN A CHEST HAIR, NOTHING!
I MEAN, I'M ALMOST 16. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
- AH, NO WORRIES, BRO-- IT'LL ALL HAPPEN.
- I THINK IT'S GENETIC.
I SAW MY MOM NAKED, AND SHE'S COMPLETELY HAIRLESS.
[pop]
[pop rock music]
* *
[school bell rings]
[laughter]
- THE NEW KID JUST ATE MY DUCK BUTTER!
[laughter]
- I FINALLY FOUND A BUTTER I DIDN'T LIKE.
WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?
TURK GETS JEENA, AND I GET A BUTT-CAKE.
- HUSH UP, YOU LITTLE SEX-OFFENDERS.
TODAY I'LL BE TEACHING THE HISTORY OF THE BREAST.
both: HUH?
- KIDS, PUT ON YOUR 3-D GLASSES.
[light clicks]
HERE WE HAVE
A PERFECT SET OF 18-YEAR-OLD BREASTS.
[kisses, gasps, moans]
- [rhythmic grunting]
- BUT IF WE GO BACK INTO TIMES,
BREASTS WEREN'T ALWAYS THAT PLUMP AND HAIRLESS.
[revolted shouts]
- OH, YES! SO PRIMAL!
- PRIOR TO MODERN SCIENCE, THERE WERE MANY OUTLANDISH MYTHS
ABOUT THE ORIGIN OF THE BREAST.
THERE WAS THE THEORY OF A SINGLE-BOOB ORGANISM
THAT FIRST CRAWLED UP THROUGH THE PRIMORDIAL OOZES.
- [grunts]
- THEN THERE'S THE MORE CREATIONIST THEORY.
- PROCREATE!
- [yawns]
[thunderclap, popping]
MMM! LET'S DO THIS.
- AND THE ANCIENT BOOBANESIANS,
ANCESTORS TO THE MODERN-DAY BREASTAFARIANS.
THEY BELIEVED IN AN ALL-POWERFUL FERTILITY GODDESS
BY THE NAME OF JUGGALOA.
- ALL HAIL JUGGALOA.
- TODAY, WE KNOW, OF COURSE,
THAT FEMALES EVOLVED BREASTS TO PROVIDE SUSTENANCE
TO THEIR OFFSPRING,
AND TO MOTIVATE CHEAP MEN TO BUY DRINKS.
BUT THE BREAST IS NOT ALL TITS AND JIGGLES.
IT CAN ALSO BE A BREEDING GROUND FOR DISEASE.
[radio plays tranquil music]
I'M A BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR.
BUT THANKS TO EARLY DETECTION FROM A MAMMOGRAM,
I HAD A DOUBLE LUMPECTOMY,
WHERE THEY REMOVED ONLY THE CANCEROUS LUMPS.
HERE THEY ARE. [all gasp]
- OH, MY GOD! - [clears throat]
AS PART OF BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH,
I'VE ARRANGED FOR A MAMMOGRAM TRUCK TO BE PARKED
IN FRONT OF THE PIER, AND WE'RE LOOKING
FOR STUDENT VOLUNTEERS.
A NURSE WILL BE CONDUCTING FREE BREAST EXAMS TODAY,
BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 4:00 AND 7:00.
- AND I'LL BE CONDUCTING FREE VAGINA EXAMS
WITH MY PENIS, BETWEEN THE INCHES OF SIX AND NINE.
[snickers]
- UH, DO I NEED A MAMMOGRAM?
I GOT THESE IN BEVERLY HILLS,
AND I DOUBT THEY HAVE CANCER THERE.
- YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO GET A BREAST EXAM.
JUST FEEL ON YOUR TITS-- IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.
YOU FEEL FOR LUMPS, BUMPS AND CAMEL HUMPS.
OH, CRUD!
OH, FALSE ALARM.
JUST A CRANBERRY SCONE.
[school bell rings]
- MONDO, YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
[techno music plays, distant crowd cheers]
- [sighs] WHO EVER WILL EXAMINE
ALL THESE BREASTS?
* *
- NEXT UP TO BE EXAMINED,
GIVE IT UP FOR...
SINNAMON AND DESTINI!
- WE'VE GOT TO GET IN THAT TRUCK.
- JEENA, WAIT UP!
- OH, HEY, MONDO.
- UH, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I REALLY ADMIRE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR BREAST AWARENESS.
YOUR BREASTS HAVE CERTAINLY RAISED MY AWARENESS.
I MEAN, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AWARE OF BREASTS
EVEN BEFORE I MET YOUR BREASTS,
THOUGH YOU DO HAVE THE BREAST BREASTS--
I MEAN BEST BREASTS.
I MEANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE THE BEST.
CAN WOODIE AND I VOLUNTEER FOR THE TRUCK?
- [giggles]
THANKS, MONDO, BUT IT WOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATE
FOR GUYS TO BE THERE.
SEE YOU LATER.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
MY PENIS IS PREVENTING ME
FROM DOING THINGS MY PENIS WANTS TO DO.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
IF WE'RE GOING TO SEE THOSE BOOBS,
THESE PENISES ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO.
- YEAH! WHAT?
- [scatting]
[slowly inhales]
[exhales]
- HEY, LONNIE, WHAT'S SHAKING?
- GETTING THE GUEST ROOM READY.
MY OLD BUDDY RONNIE IS COMING TO SURF CYPRESS HILL.
[chuckles] WE DO IT EVERY YEAR.
UH, EXCEPT FOR ALL THOSE YEARS WE FORGOT.
HERE WE ARE AT A GRATEFUL DEAD SHOW.
- LONNIE, LOOK AT YOU. WOW! HMM.
- YEAH, TIME HASN'T TOUCHED ME.
MAN, RONNIE AND I HAVE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.
- * YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND THAT I EVER HAD *
- [laughs]
[rapid gunfire]
[laughs]
[crowd gasps]
[coughs, laughs]
- OH, MY MOTHER TOOK ME TO THAT SHOW!
BUT, YEAH, WE GOT OUR MONEY BACK
BECAUSE MR. MISTOFFELEES BROKE HIS NECK.
- BOMBDIGGITY!
FOGHAT!
I WAS SAVING THAT FOR LATER!
- [slurping]
[both slurp]
- OKAY, I'M GOING TO GET GOING NOW.
YOU GUYS ENJOY YOUR LUNCH.
- ARE YOU SURE THIS IS GONNA WORK?
- DUDE, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S THE PERFECT PLAN.
WE DISGUISE OURSELVES AS WOMEN, VOLUNTEER,
AND WE'RE BACKSTAGE AT BOOBAPALOOZA.
- HEY, LOOK!
- DUDE, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO SPANK IT.
- NO, MAN, THERE'S WORDS IN HERE.
WORDS WE CAN USE.
[sighs]
- I GUESS WE DID HAVE TIME TO SPANK IT.
- NOW WE CAN FOCUS.
- * NA, NA, DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY *
* NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER... *
* OR WHO YOU GONNA LOVE BY YOUR LOVER *
[both scream]
both: MMM, MM-MM.
- * LOVE IN DISGUISE *
* SHE HAS THE BODY OF A VENUS *
* LORD, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE *
* NA, NA, DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY *
* NA, NA, DUDE * [needle screeches over LP]
- UH-OH.
[air-brush blasts]
- BOMBDIGGITY!
THIS MUST BE MY PROACTIV STARTER KIT.
IT'S THREE SIMPLE STEPS TO SKIN LIKE KATY PERRY.
MUSKOGEE, OKLAHOMA?
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOMETHING FROM RONNIE!
AN URN?
ASHES?
"THIS IS YOUR BUD RONNIE."
OH, MY GOD!
RONNIE! NO!
WHY? [sobs]
[both grunt]
- HEY, LESBIANS!
LOOK!
"JAM OUT WITH YOUR CLAM OUT."
CLAM METAPHOR FOR VAGINA-- VERY HUMOROUS.
- [grunts] THESE HEELS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.
- I THINK I JUST FLOSSED MY BUNGUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WOMEN DRESS LIKE THIS.
- I KNOW. SO MUCH WAXING AND PLUCKING.
- GIRLS CARE ABOUT THE WEIRDEST THINGS.
- TOTALLY.
CAN YOU SEE MY CAMEL TOE?
- GET YOUR FREE MAMMIES AND BREAST EXAMMIES RIGHT HERE!
STEP ON UP!
BIG OR SMALL, SAVE THEM ALL!
HEY, LADIES, ARE YOU HERE
FOR A FREE MAMMOGRAM OR BREAST EXAM?
- NO, WE'RE GOOD.
- BUT WE'RE TOTALLY INTERESTED
IN VOLUNTEERING.
- OH, AWESOME.
WE'RE EXPECTING A HUGE TURNOUT,
AND COULD TOTALLY USE SOME EXTRA HANDS.
WE'VE GOT A COUPLE OF VOLUNTEERS.
- HELLO!
I'M NURSE NACHAMA FINGERMAN,
OF THE TEL AVIV FINGERMANS.
- I'M SCARLETT,
AND THIS IS...SNACKI.
- OKAY, LET'S BLAST SOME LUMPS.
- NOT MY FIRST CHOICE, BUT I'LL TAKE IT.
- WOULD ONE OF YOU MIND HOLDING THE BABIES WHILE I PUMP?
- UM, OKAY.
- SHE HAS TO DRAIN HER BREASTS OF MILK
SO WE CAN GIVE HER AN ACCURATE EXAM.
- GROSS!
I MEAN, BEAUTIFUL. VERY NATURAL.
[both coo]
- OW!
- AW, CUERVO AND PATRON LIKE YOUSE.
[both grunt]
- EVERYTHING FELT GREAT.
BREAST OF LUCK TO YOU AND YOURS.
- WELL, I'M BUMMED TOO, BUDDY,
BUT THE NEXT SET WILL BE GREAT.
I KNOW IT.
- IT'S NOT THAT.
[sniffles] I MISS THOSE LITTLE BAMBINOS.
- RONNIE, RONNIE, RONNIE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GONE, MAN.
[sniffles] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT GOING TO LET A LITTLE THING LIKE YOU DYING
GET IN THE WAY OF OUR LAST WEEKEND EVER!
- * WE HAD SOME GOOD DAYS *
* WE HAD SOME BAD TIMES *
* BUT NOTHING REALLY MATTERS NOW AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER *
- HEY, EVERYBODY, THIS IS TANG.
- 0 FOR 2.
- THE CHANGING AREA IS-- OH, MY GOD!
- UH-OH.
- YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE YOUR DRESS OFF, TANG.
- WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
- UGH, HER BOOBS LOOK LIKE TUBE SOCKS
FILLED WITH GROUND BEEF.
- HER BUTT LOOKS LIKE DIRTY WAFFLES.
- ALOHA, DARLINGS.
[both panting]
- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT ALL PRETTY FOR NOTHING.
- YOU'LL FEEL BETTER AFTER WE EAT.
WE HAVE TO HANG ON!
- OH, FACE IT, BRO, MAYBE REAL-LIFE BOOBS
ARE NEVER GOING TO BE AS AWESOME
AS THE ONES WE SEE IN MAGAZINES.
[techno music plays, stops]
- [moaning]
- HAY QUE LINDA!
- ALL HAIL JUGGALOA.
CHECK IT OUT!
IT'S A MIRACLE!
OUR QUEST FOR BREASTS HAS BEEN BLESSED!
- WE GOTTA GET BACK IN THERE!
- * BIM, BOM *
- WHERE ARE ALL THE GIRLS?
- OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
[knocking] TOLD YOU.
- GIVE ME A CARNE ASADA BURRITO, POR FAVOR.
- THE TOOL THINKS THIS IS A TACO TRUCK.
[laughs] SHOULD I TELL HIM?
- AFTER EVERYTHING HE'S DONE TO YOU?
- YOU JUST DRANK MY SNOT ROCKET.
[laughter]
- [yawns] - [flatulence]
YOU JUST ATE MY FART.
[laughter]
- [muffled groan]
- YOU JUST GOT TEA-BAGGED. [laughter]
- ENGLISH BREAKFAST?
I'LL BE UP ALL NIGHT!
[with Spanish accent] HERE YOU GO, SENOR.
EXTRA SOUR CREAMS.
- [gulps] MMM, YEAH.
JUST LIKE MY MOM USED TO MAKE.
- YES!
- DOES ONE OF YOU WANT TO HELP ME DISINFECT
THE MAMMA-TRON 3,000?
- GO FOR IT, DUDE!
- YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.
I MEAN, NEXT TO ME, SWEET CHEEKS.
YOU'RE HOT, BUT YOU AIN'T GOT THE SNACKI CAKES.
[laughter]
- THANKS FOR THE VERY ODD COMPLIMENT.
- SO...YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
- THAT'S AWESOME!
I MEAN THAT YOU'RE KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN,
LIKE, FOR SHORT GUYS, GUYS FROM OUT OF STATE,
GUYS WHO SWIM IN T-SHIRTS, AND THE LIKE.
- YEAH, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS ONE.
I MEAN, HE CAN TOTALLY BE AN ASS.
BUT WHEN WE'RE ALONE, HE DOES THESE CRAZY THINGS
THAT ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF ROMANTIC,
AND MAKE ME LAUGH.
CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO HE SENT ME.
- YOU LOVE ME, BABE.
- HUH! IRRESISTIBLE!
BUT YOU SHOULD HOLD OUT FOR A GUY WHO'LL PEE
"I HEART YOU."
OR NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,
A VIDEO WITHOUT URINE IN IT AT ALL.
- SNACKI!
- UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME ONE LITTLE MOMENT?
[grunts]
- WHERE IS SHE? - WHERE'S WHO?
- OH, NO.
DUDE, YOU GAVE TURK THE SACRED TORTILLA!
JUGGALOA WILL CURSE US FOR SURE!
- COME ON, YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU?
- I HAVE TO SAY, JEENA,
THOSE WERE THE HEALTHIEST, MOST SUPPLE BOSOMS
I'VE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF EXAMINING.
- NO!
JUGGALOA!
WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?
I MEAN, HIGH-FIVE, GIRLFRIEND.
- UH, IT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ANGERING THE GODS.
OH, NO!
- OH, YES.
I'M GOING TO SEE YOUR SISTER'S RACK OF LAMB.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY!
- WOULD IT BE EASIER IF I TOOK MY IMPLANTS OUT?
I HAD ZIPPERS PUT IN,
SO I CAN SWAP OUT DIFFERENT SIZES.
[zipper rasps]
THESE ARE MY 34Bs.
MY GO-TO SIZE IS DDs,
BUT I'M GOING TRAMPOLINING LATER,
AND THE BIG GUNS GIVE ME BLACK EYES.
- COME ON, MAN!
AT LEAST LET ME SEE THE IMPLANT.
- NO WAY!
IT'S A VIOLATION OF BUDDY RULE NUMBER ONE--
"NO OGLING OF, OR SPANKING IT TO
YOUR BEST FRIEND'S FAMILY MEMBERS."
- HI, IS THERE ROOM FOR ME, LADIES?
[gasps] [tape ripping]
- COME ON IN. THE MORE THE MERRIER.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO BUDDY RULE NUMBER ONE?
- MOVEMENT TO AMEND RULE NUMBER ONE.
- MOVEMENT DENIED. - [screams]
- YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.
[both grunting]
OOH! WHAT FULSOME BOSOMS!
- I'M SO LUCKY THEY'VE HELD UP.
MY SON MONDO NURSED TILL HE WAS FIVE.
ALMOST RUINED MY NIPS.
HE SUCKED SO HARD,
THEY LOOKED LIKE CHEWED BUBBLE GUM
STUCK TO A BALLOON.
- UGH.
- ALL RIGHT, EVERYTHING LOOKS PEACHY.
- GIVE IT UP, MAN.
- I GUESS QUEEN JUGGALOA HAS DONE HER WORST.
[booming footsteps]
- IT'S SO ROCKIN' IN HERE,
YOU'D THINK CARRIE UNDERWOOD WAS PERFORMING.
UH, HELLO, BABSTER.
CHECK IT-- WE HAVE THE SAME BRAS.
SHAZAM!
- WE'RE BEING PUNISHED.
both: WHOA!
- HELLO, GENTLEMEN. both: WADSKA?
- I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE SOME HOOTERS!
- OH, DARN IT!
DOES ANYBODY HAVE AN EXTRA MAXI PAD?
I FORGET OT PUT ONE IN MY FANNY PACK THIS MORNING.
- OH, I'M MENSTRUATING TOO.
I CAN LOAN YOU A TAMPY.
BUT I ONLY HAVE THE KIND YOU INSERT WITH YOUR FINGER,
TO REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT.
IT'S NOT RIGHT TO LEAVE THOSE PLASTIC APPLICATORS AROUND
FOR OUR CHILDREN.
- I'VE BEEN GIVING THE NEW SPORTS TAMPONS A WHIRL,
BUT I DON'T HAVE AN EXTRA, SORRY.
- OH, TAMPONS ARE A NO-GO.
I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING GOING INSIDE ME
SINCE MORTY DIED.
WH--WHAT DO YOU GIRLS USE?
- UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST ROLL UP SOME NEWSPAPER.
- UH, OLD PIZZA CRUST FOR ME.
- [loud flatulence]
OOPS, SORRY, I BLARTED.
I GET THE WORST GAS WHEN FLO-RIDA'S IN THE HEEZY.
CAN I GET A "WOO, WOO"?
- I HEAR YA, SISTER.
- THIS TRUCK SUCKS.
I'M OUTIE.
- [in slow motion] OH, NO!
- DUDE, WE SHOULD HAVE BAILED AFTER THE "BLART."
- WELL, OLD FRIEND... [sniffles]
WE ALWAYS SAID THAT IF ONE OF US
WERE TO BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE,
THE OTHER WOULD MAKE SURE HE WENT OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY.
[strong inhale]
- HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
LET'S NOT VOLUNTEER FOR THE PAP SMEAR BUS.
- THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.
- LET'S STICK TO WATCHING BOOBS
IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT-- THE INTERNET.
UH-OH. UH-OH.
OH--OH, NO!
- WHAT? - I'VE...
GOT A LUMP!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TRUCK IS GONE!
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
- YOU'VE GOT TO CHILL.
I TOOK ONE OF THESE BROCHURES.
- DUDE, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO SPANK IT.
- NO, MAN, THERE'S WORDS IN HERE--
WORDS WE CAN USE.
- [sighs] I GUESS WE DID HAVE TIME TO SPANK IT.
- NOW WE CAN FOCUS.
OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS:
"REDNESS, SWELLING,
SKIN DIMPLING OR PUCKERING, AND DISCHARGE?"
- FROM WHERE? - IT DOESN'T SAY.
- THEN YES!
MM-HMM, UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
WELL, IT COULD EITHER BE A MOSQUITO BITE OR...
STAGE FOUR CANCER! [gasps]
OH, MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE!
OR WORSE, I CAN LOSE A MOOB!
WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I ONLY HAVE ONE BOOBIE?
- CALM DOWN, MAN.
I KNOW ONE THING THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
[bubbling]
- ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU HAVE
TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
CHERISH EACH MOMENT LIKE IT'S YOUR LAST.
RONNIE EVEN HAD A BUCKET LIST.
"STAY UP ALL NIGHT.
"TRANSFER OLD ALBUMS TO CASSETTE TAPE.
LIVE FOREVER." [sobs]
HE'D HAVE DONE IT TOO, IF HE HADN'T DIED.
- LONNIE'S STONE-COLD CRAZY.
- BUT HE'S ALSO STONE-COLD RIGHT.
I MEAN, I STILL THINK YOU'RE GONNA SURVIVE,
BUT IT DOES MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
- * THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN *
* LIVING A LIE, AND FEELING ALIVE *
* THERE ARE TIMES THAT I'VE BEEN *
* LISTENING TO THE SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE... *
- [imitating plane engine]
- [laughing]
- AND I WANTED TO SAY THAT FROM THE FIRST TIME WE MET.
WE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT.
THAT ONE'S FOR RONNIE.
[keys clicking]
- UGH.
MMM.
- ACTION! - DEAR JEENA--
- CUT! I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
- SHUT UP!
[sighs] DEER JEENA,
I AM SICK.
- TELL HER IT'S NOT AIDS.
- I GOT THIS!
IT'S NOT AIDS.
JEENA, SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN,
I WANT TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE SO COOL!
AND I LIKE YOU, I MEAN, LIKE-LIKE YOU--
AS IN A 2 1/2-YEAR RELATIONSHIP IN HIGH SCHOOL,
THEN WE REEVALUATE THINGS AFTER GRADUATION,
AND THAT FIRST THANKSGIVING HOME FROM COLLEGE
IS KIND OF WEIRD, BUT THEN WE REKINDLE,
AND IT'S EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE.
THATKIND OF LIKE.
I KNOW YOU LIKE CRAZY, ROMANTIC VIDEOS.
SO I COME TO YOU IN DANCE.
[imitating echo-effect] DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE,
DANCE, DANCE, DANCE.
[R&B music]
[rhythmic grunting]
AND I WANTED TO SAY THAT FROM THE FIRST TIME WE MET.
- [chanting] HEAL-A-CHI-CHI, JUGGALOA!
BYE-BYE-LUMPY, JUGGALOA!
- MONDO. - JEENA!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- GUYS, SOME PRIVACY, PLEASE?
- OKAY, BUT SOMEBODY'S PAYING ME BACK
FOR THESE LEECHES.
- ARE YOU OKAY?
I SAW YOUR VIDEO WITH THE OTTOMAN.
IS IT SERIOUS?
- VERY SERIOUS.
I MEAN, THE DISEASE IS SERIOUS,
BUT THE OTTOMAN SEX IS JUST CASUAL.
NOT THAT I HAVE CASUAL SEX.
UNLESS YOUWANT TO.
BUT THEN IT WOULDN'T BE CASUAL,
IT WOULD BE MEANINGFUL.
I MIGHT HAVE CANCER.
- OH, MONDO!
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- UGH. IT SMELLS LIKE THE DALAI LAMA
TOOK A DUMP OUT HERE.
THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE TATER TOT.
WHOOP, SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO MOM-BLOCK.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
[sighs] I THINK I'VE FOUND...
SOME BREAST CANCER.
- WHAT? WHERE? WHERE?
SHOW ME.
WHOOP. THERE WE GO.
SEE? IT'S JUST AN INGROWN HAIR.
CONGRATULATIONS, SWEETIE.
YOU GOT THE FIRST THREAD IN YOUR MAN-SWEATER.
WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU HAD BREAST CANCER?
- WELL, I GOT A PAMPHLET FROM NURSE FINGERMAN.
LET ME BACK UP.
WOODIE AND I DRESSED UP IN YOUR CLOTHES
TO VOLUNTEER AT THE MAMMOGRAM TRUCK.
WELL, LET ME BACK UP FURTHER.
IT'S NO SECRET THAT I LIKE BOOBS.
- I WONDERED WHY THERE WAS DUCT TAPE ON MY PANTY HOSE.
- YOU WERE SNACKI?
AND YOU WERE SCARLETT?
- WELL, FIDDLE-DEE-DEE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- BUT WE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
- LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY,
BUT BREAST CANCER IS NOT A JOKE.
- JEENA, I-I JUST REALLY--
[sighs]
- SHE'S RIGHT, SWEETIE.
BUT I HAVE A FEELING YOU KNOW THAT NOW.
- [sighs] THIS IS GOING TO BE
A HARD ONE TO COME BACK FROM.
- UH-HUH.
BUT, DUDE! YOU GOT A CHEST HAIR!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
AND HE'S GOT A FRIEND!
- MY LITTLE BOY'S BECOMING A MAN.
- * IT'S EASY TO GET BY *
[knocking on door] * WHEN I DON'T EVEN TRY... *
- OH. HEY, RONNIE'S GHOST.
- [coughs]
- OH, MY GOD!
IT'S REAL RONNIE!
- LONNIE, MAN, YOUR SKIN LOOKS FLAWLESS!
- THANKS, MAN.
I'M ON STEP THREE.
DUDE, I GOT YOUR URN, AND THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
SO I SMOKED YOU.
- NO, MAN!
THAT WAS MY STASH!
IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET IT HERE.
WE SPOKE TWO DAYS AGO,
AND I TOLD YOU I WAS SENDING
AN URN FILLED WITH WEED,
AND NOT TO MISTAKE IT FOR MY ASHES.
- AH...WHAT?
- I WROTE ON THE CARD,
"THIS IS YOUR BUD, RONNIE."
- OH! I THOUGHT IT SAID, "THIS IS YOUR BUD RONNIE."
[laughter]
BOMBDIGGITY!
- BY THE WAY, YOUR FATHER DIED.
- I'M A SURVIVOR.
- I'M A SURVIVOR TOO.
WELL, NOT AN ACTUAL FOR-REAL SURVIVOR,
BUT A SURVIVOR OF BEING REALLY SCARED
OF HAVING BREAST CANCER.
IT WAS A PIMPLE.
BUT ONE IN EIGHT WOMEN WILL BE DIAGNOSED THIS YEAR.
AND DUDES CAN GET IT TOO.
HERE'S THE THING.
IF YOU CATCH IT EARLY, IT'S LIKE 98% CURABLE!
SO SEE YOUR DOCTOR REGULARLY FOR CHECKUPS.
IT'S THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO
FOR YOUR BREAST FRIENDS.
- CUT! OKAY! PLACES, PEOPLE!
THESE OTTOMANS AREN'T GOING TO HUMP THEMSELVES!
[R&B music]
[rhythmic grunting]