>> Settle down, gonads.
Oh, sweet Jonas,
it's cold out here.
(popping)
I hope that's a third nipple.
It's time for our annual
polar bear plunge,
where brave souls run headlong
into the icy surf.
Stupid people, take your places.
>> Bro, how are you
not freezing?
It's like 60 degrees!
>> Back in Jersey, this is
primo belly shirt weather.
>> Can you believe this freakin'
heat wave we're having?
>> It's a freakin' scorcher.
"Deck my balls."
Oh, that's a good shirt.
>> Yeah, or maybe he's warm
because he has the thick,
insulating blubber layer
of the arctic walrus.
Thanks for tutoring me
in marine science, babe.
Couldn't have made
that fat joke without you.
>> At least he has
the balls to participate.
>> Come on, Mondo,
this is gonna be fun.
>> Sometimes I fear I'll end up
sad and alone, like the
Ecuadorian hermit crab.
Damn, that girl can tutor.
(gunshot)
(all screaming)
>> Ah!
Cold, cold, cold!
>> I got hy-- I got hypo--
Hypotherm-- I'm very cold!
This is all you, bro.
>> That's my boy!
>> You're awesome, Mondo!
>> I can't feel my legs!
(all gasping)
Is that my bathing suit?
(all laughing)
And my pride?
**
>> Congratulations, ladies.
I know it was a tough night.
But based on personal
experience, pool parties,
unconfirmed sextings, and
vicious rumors, we have finally
compiled our most comprehensive
ranking of penis size
at Playa Del Toro High ever.
Bitches, I give you the D-list.
>> Stop the presses!
Big news from the
polar bear plunge.
There's something
you need to see.
>> I really think you're making
way too much out of this, Mondo.
>> Mondo? I know not of this
"Mondo" that you speak of.
I am sheriff Mustachio Van Dyke,
transfer student from...
Cowboy City, USA.
>> No sane person's
gonna buy it, bro.
>> Morning, Woodie.
Sheriff Van Dyke.
(sighing)
>> Aah!
Mondo, you have got to quit
sneaking up on people like that.
By the by, I was at the arcade,
and it seems a certain dynamic
duo now has the top score
on MMA Blood Blast!
>> Tokens accepted!
Blood brothers!
Join the fight!
(mimicking martial arts)
>> Bam!
What are all these flyers?
>> Oh, these are--
>> Nothing.
Nothing that pertains to you.
>> The "D-list"?
What's this about?
Every guy in school is on here.
Turk's first, and I'm...
at the bottom.
>> It's the--
>> Dude list!
And you're the newest dude
in town, so you're last.
And let's not talk
about it anymore.
>> Oh, hey, Mon-dork.
Congratulations on your
last place showing.
>> Thanks, Milan.
It's just a pleasure
to be included.
And I hear we're getting some
Chinese transfer students soon.
Ought to bump me up
a few places, right?
>> I guess... gross.
>> Oh, hello there,
Mondo Brando.
Allow us to formally
welcome you to hell.
>> What?
>> We're your neighbors
at the bottom of the D-list.
>> I'm also the valedictorian,
and he's a National Merit
scholar.
But no one seems
to care about that.
>> Gentlemen, adieu.
>> Oh, that little one
gives me the creeps.
>> I'd like to thank
my balls for support,
my best girl Jeena for being
with me through the ups
and downs.
Boobs for all the hard times.
You know whose you are.
And especially
the little people.
(all laughing)
>> The D-list isn't
the dude list, is it?
Uh, you better shake a leg, Ma,
the movers will be here
in the morning.
>> We're not going back
to Jersey.
Look, honey, kids are always
gonna be little pricks.
I-I-I mean, cruel.
This sucks, munchkin,
I'm not gonna lie to you.
But you can't just run away.
You gotta find a way to
stand up for yourself.
Remember the family motto.
>> "You mess with a Brando,
you get the back of the hando."
>> You know,
in my mud wrestling days,
I had that on the back
of a cape.
>> Look at you.
Comfortably average, cute
enough, extremely sensitive.
You're like the Michael Cera
of penises.
>> I call mine "Will Smith"
because he's got urban cred,
but white women find him
non-threatening.
(laughing)
>> Oh, this is bad, dude.
I was up all night,
imagining ways to flash
my room temperature
schlong to the whole school.
>> Be careful, Lonnie did that
once by accident, and now he
can't park within 300 yards
of the playground.
>> Yeah, besides, I gotta find
a way to take down that list,
not just for me,
but for all the other guys
stuck at the bottom.
>> That's very noble
of you, bro.
>> I know, right?
>> Guys, a little help?
Guys?
>> Give 'em hell, bro.
(phone ringing)
(slurping)
>> Mmm...
>> We're, like, having
a D-list top ten party later.
Bonfire on the beach.
>> So why are you telling me?
>> You don't know?
>> We totally hope you
can make it, number five.
(chuckling)
>> * Is that my bathing suit *
* My pride my bathing suit *
* My pride *
* I can't feel my legs **
(laughing)
>> There he is!
I was just making you
my ringtone!
How funny is that?
>> Hey, Principal Gurniel,
um, I was hoping we could talk
about something, discreetly,
just between you and me.
>> Sure, sure.
Slip off your shoes,
and pull up a pillow.
I'll light
a conversation candle.
>> All right, I was hoping to
get the D-list banned
from school.
See, it's harassment,
it's bullying, and it's ruining
people's lives.
>> Those are some serious
gripes, amigo.
But before I hit shuffle
on my policy-pod,
I better hear the B-side
of this argument.
(feedback)
>> Milan Stone, please report
to the principal's office.
>> No! I said "discreetly!"
>> Chill out, compadre.
You've gotta mellow
those dramatics.
Now, I'm just gonna go ahead
and light a conflict
resolution candle.
>> If this is about us creating
a fake profile with Zac Efron's
picture and setting up a date
at the diner with that fat girl,
and then there was nobody there
but us, laughing at her stupid,
fat face...
It wasn't me.
>> No, no, that's not it.
It seems Mondo here has
a little problem with your list.
>> He can't tell me
what to do.
>> Milan makes
an excellent point.
>> Huh?
>> I believe Milan is exercising
her First Amendment right
to freedom of speech.
>> I don't need to exercise.
He does.
>> Are you kidding me?
I doubt the founding fathers
had a penis chart in mind when
they wrote the Bill of Rights.
>> Ratifying this document
will protect the liberties
of all of our citizens.
Now everyone whip out their
Hancocks to see who signs first.
(zipping)
>> Uh, you can't
get rid of the D-list!
It's like... an institution!
>> Slavery was an institution!
>> Ooh, he said slavery.
That's racist.
Suspend him.
>> Whoa, whoa! Oh!
I can see we've got
a hot button issue here.
And I have the perfect way
to put an end to it.
>> Thank god.
>> Attention, students.
This Friday's assembly will be
a debate about the D-list.
Arguing on the side
of free speech, Milan Stone.
Arguing on the side
of tiny penises, Mondo Brando.
(students laughing)
>> * My pride my bathing suit *
>> Hey, it worked!
>> * I can't feel my legs **
**
(barbershop singing)
>> Nice pipes, boys.
And to think, before the D-list,
we couldn't fill a seat.
Now put on your Viking helmets
for the opera finale.
>> You okay, man?
>> Hmm, well, let's see.
Public nudity, public speaking,
Throw in spiders and
a Sarah Palin presidency,
and all my nightmares
have come true.
>> Very cool.
Very political.
>> I know, right?
There's no way in hell
I'm doing this stupid debate.
>> 'Sup, Woodie?
'Sup, master debater?
(chuckling)
I think it's awesome
that you're debating Milan.
Maybe we'll take down this
stupid list once and for all.
>> So how are you gonna
get out of the debate?
>> Get out of the debate?
The hell's wrong with you?
You heard the lady,
I'm in it to win it!
Besides, it'll be good
to finally put an end to this
kind of sexual objectification.
>> Hi, Woodie.
>> Whoa! She's, like,
a 9.2 on the dichter scale!
That's, like, the fifth hot girl
that's creeping on you.
What's that about?
>> I don't know, man.
Maybe it's my new... shampoo.
>> Hi, Woodie.
>> I said hi first!
(screaming)
>> Man, I gotta get me
some of that shampoo!
>> Ah, there's my stooges.
You guys missed another great
performance of the glory
hole "te-atre."
I hear next season,
they're doing "Spermalot!"
So if you don't have
any plans tonight,
I thought us boys could bone up,
plug away, grind it out,
cram it good, put our heads down
and bury our noses in it.
>> What?
>> Get your mind
out of the gutter.
I am talking about doing
debate research at the library!
I always wanted to do it
in a public place.
>> That would be awesome.
I can use all the help
I can get.
>> Uh, yeah, guys,
you know what?
I'm gonna meet you there.
I just have an errand
I gotta run.
>> This is so empty.
How can they afford
to stay open?
>> The same way they keep
city parks and hospitals open.
They rent out space
to the adult film industry.
>> I'd like to return this book,
but it's too big
to fit in the slot.
>> Maybe you should push
a little harder.
>> That dialogue is terrible.
>> No, that's
the actual checkout desk.
Porno is over there.
>> "Do Me Decimal System,"
take two.
>> Oh, hello, fellow readers.
Welcome to the library.
The only safe haven from those
jerks at the top of the list.
>> Until now!
Some cyber-bully just hacked my
Facebook and tagged me with
hundreds of penis photos.
>> That's not right.
They're even calling you
"Dick Noodle."
>> Nope, that's my name.
It's pronounced "Nu-dell."
>> All right,
let's get started.
I just gotta fire up my iPad.
>> Why did we come here
if we're using that?
>> Untraceable Wi-Fi!
And the softest toilet paper
in town!
>> I need some reading material.
Oh, Maya Angelou!
That's my jam.
>> Whoa! Where are you going,
beanpole?
>> I'm number five.
>> Why didn't you say so?
Right this way.
>> * She dance, she dance *
* The way she dance... **
>> Woodie!
>> What's up, Wood-man?
How about a drink?
>> I don't know.
I'm not planning on staying
that long.
>> Yeah, cool, totally.
Hey, you mind holding this
a second in your mouth?
(gulping)
(cheering)
>> I'm afraid our argument
to control free speech
is not looking good.
Apparently, laws have protected
these scandalous gossip rags
throughout history.
>> I know! They even
had sexting back then.
Check out this dirty telegraph
From President Taft
to his mistress.
"You're turning me on.
Stop.
Why did you stop?
Stop.
Undo your corset.
Stop.
Disregard my stops.
Stop.
Oh, baby.
Stop.
Here it comes, stop, stop, stop.
Stop-stop-stop.
I've stopped it
all over your face.
Stop."
Ugh! This is getting
us nowhere.
And where the hell is Woodie?
I can't believe
he stood me up.
>> Well, whatever he's doing,
he cannot possibly be having
as much fun as we are.
>> Whoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah!
>> Oops.
>> Will you stop
dropping your pencil?
>> Sorry! Butterfingers.
>> Hey, thanks for helping me
out, Wadska.
You really came through.
>> I'm a little worried
about Woodie, though.
He didn't even call.
>> Why are you worried?
He looks like he's having
the greatest time of his life.
>> Woodie?
Woodie! What the (bleep)?
>> Hey, Woodie, you better
go control your woman.
>> Ooh, ice cream.
>> Hey, dude!
>> Don't "hey, dude" me.
(sniffing)
You're drunk.
I can smell it on your breath.
>> Oh, sorry, I guess I got
caught up at this
top ten party.
I'm number five.
>> Number five!
Why didn't you tell me?
>> You saw the list.
But all you cared about
was your own name.
Besides, I didn't wanna
hurt your feelings.
>> So you got wasted with Turk?
And four of the hottest
half-naked girls I've ever seen?
Well, okay, one's kind
of a butterface, but--
How can you be so selfish?
>> Selfish?
Because for one night, I went
to an awesome party instead
of hanging out with you?
>> But you're my friend,
and they're the enemy.
>> They're not my enemy.
>> Come back, dude.
Your beer's getting warm,
and your girl's getting cold.
>> Maybe you should go back
to your new friends
and their perfect breasts.
But dear God, that one...
She's like a Schnauzer.
What is she, somebody's cousin?
Go ahead, go!
>> Maybe I will.
>> Good.
>> Ice cream!
I didn't know what you wanted,
so I took a risk.
Fudge ripple!
Oh, I knew I should've gone
with vanilla.
**
(yawning)
(bullying laugh)
>> Sorry, Mon-dumpster.
You had your mouth open.
I thought you were
the garbage can.
(bullying laugh)
>> Dude, that wasn't very cool.
>> Whoa, number five doesn't
tell number one what's cool.
Unless he wants to end up
in a 69 with my fist.
Now, come on, we got rehearsal
for "Damn Wankees."
>> Oh, thank God,
you guys made up.
Oh, that's just the garbage can.
>> * I'm through with love *
* Since you took *
* Your love away from me *
* I'm blue because... *
(laughing)
>> Ahh!
>> You ditched me.
That's the definition
of ditching.
>> * I'm through with love *
* Since you took *
* Your love away from me *
* I'm blue because *
(yawning)
* Won't even stay with me *
* Won't play with me *
(dogs barking)
>> Oh, that used to be us.
Oh, why, Babs Brando?
Why are men so difficult?
>> If I could answer that
riddle, honey, I wouldn't
be standing here serving
you Shirley Temples.
Wadska, are you okay?
Is this going to be like
the time you tried to fly
with a cocktail umbrella?
>> Ha-ha-ha! No.
It's Mondo and Woodie.
Those boys are driving me crazy!
I never realized how much
I loved being a third wheel.
Coming up with wacky schemes,
then ducking out before
the consequences hit.
God, I miss that.
>> We were the three caballeros,
and it worked for us.
All the best things in the world
come in triangles:
The Great Pyramids,
Hamentaschen cookies, triangles.
>> Oh, let's think.
There has to be a way we can
bring them together again.
(order bell dinging)
Here you go.
Tsunami burger with M-M-A.
>> M-M-A?
>> Mustard, mayo, and avocado.
>> That's it, Babs, M-M-A.
I have got to get to the arcade!
Wadska, away!
>> Tokens accepted.
Blood brothers, join the fight.
>> You know this doesn't
change anything.
>> Why would it?
>> So ready for the debate
tomorrow?
>> Been working on it nonstop,
but I don't have much
of an argument.
Guess I lack
the killer instinct.
Gaaaah!
>> Well, if it makes you feel
any better, the whole deal
is just a scam.
Saw Casa taking a leak.
He's hung like a peanut.
>> That does make me
feel better-- gah!
You're a real dong detective.
Ooh!
>> Hyuh, hyuh!
Okay, big finish.
Remember the move?
>> Are you kidding?
I invented it.
We did it, we did it!
>> Hey, Mondo...
>> I know, buddy, me too.
Let's never let our peckers
come between us again.
That sounded way better
in my head.
>> I wonder who this Winnie is.
>> Player three
has joined the game.
>> Your first name is Winnie?
>> Winthorp Aguilera Wadska.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
>> Yeah, I don't think anyone's
going to wear that out.
Now let's see
if we can win a debate.
D-list is going down.
>> Hug?
>> Sure.
>> Kiss?
Oh, all right, after the debate.
**
>> Are you ready
for some penis...
debate?
>> Freedom of (bleep) speech!
Get it? You can say (bleep),
because if they don't let you
say (bleep),
then it is censorship.
>> Close your face holes,
miscreants.
For today's debate,
we'll follow basic
parliamentary rules.
We'll break every 15 minutes
so I can smoke a Parliament.
Miss Stone, we flipped a coin,
and despite the results,
you shall go first.
>> Hey, guys.
Instead of just talking
about freedom of expression,
I thought I'd just
express myself freely.
Hit it, girls.
**
>> I just love this country
so much.
**
>> Well, I think
we have a winner.
Oh, yeah.
You're on the clock,
shrinky-dink.
>> All right.
I guess I gotta fight sex
with sex.
>> No, no, no, no, no.
>> That's how
we got into this mess.
>> Here's your speech.
Now, just follow this verbatim
and victory will be ours.
>> Wadska, these are blank.
>> Precisely!
Because the answer is in here.
It's been in there all along.
>> No! Wadska,
I really need that speech.
>> 30 seconds left.
>> Hello, everybody.
(clearing throat)
I guess all I can do
is speak from the heart.
>> * My pride my bathing suit *
* My pride *
>> * I can't feel my legs **
(sobbing)
>> Oh, what's up, Pinocchio?
>> Hey, Sis.
Brad Abelson told everyone
I took a dump
in the sink at school.
But I didn't!
That dump was already there.
(crying)
>> Oh, just tell everyone
he's a hermaphrodite.
The only way to kill a rumor
is with a better rumor.
>> Could we have a brief recess?
>> Five minutes.
>> Okay, remember
what I told you.
>> Thanks, dude.
>> Hey, you're my blood brother.
>> Milan, can I talk to you
privately?
>> There's nothing my friends
can't hear.
>> Okay, just wanted you to know
that I'm going to distribute
these papers in the morning.
It's called the "S.P. List."
I'll give you a hint.
The first word is "smelly."
>> Beat it, nosey bitches.
Look, I know what
you're trying to do here.
But it's not going
to work, okay?
Everyone knows I smell
like roses and butterscotch.
Your rumor is a total lie.
>> So is the D-list.
Mm, but I suppose you're right.
People don't listen to rumors.
Anywho, I'm off
to the copy machine.
>> It seems Miss Stone
has forfeited the debate.
Victory belongs
to the little penis.
>> Once again, this school
does nothing to prepare you
for the real world.
>> According to the terms
of the debate, the D-list
will be abolished forever.
And, to be consistent,
we're also abolishing
the honor roll.
>> All right!
Whoo! That's so wonderful!
>> Congratulations, Mondo.
You did it!
>> Thanks, and, uh... ahem,
just to clear the air,
I don't really have
a small penis.
>> Oh, I know, we all know.
Your fly was open
the entire time.
All right.
I'll give you props on that.
>> I'm so proud of you.
I think you earned this, champ.
>> Thanks, man.
Milan totally caved
about the S.P. list.
>> Yeah, the smelly people list
would have rocked Del Toro High
to its core.
>> And now for that kiss.
**