[surf rock music]
- SO WHEN YOU'RE WITH A GIRL, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOB MOVE?
- OH, I LIKE TO DO THE "COMBINATION LOCK."
RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT...
AND PULL.
- [laughs]
I'M PARTIAL TO THE "PIZZA MAN,"
WHERE I LIGHTLY KNEAD THEM LIKE DOUGH AND SAUCE THEM.
- [laughs]
ANOTHER ONE OF MY SIGNATURE MOVES
IS "PUTTING OUT THE CANDLE." [blows]
- [laughs]
AND WHEN THE LADIES WANT SOMETHING MORE ROMANTIC,
I BREAK OUT THE "PLAYFUL KITTEN".
[purrs like a cat]
- [chuckles]
SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M WITH EUROPEAN GIRLS,
I LIKE TO GIVE THEM "THE GERMAN CIGARETTE."
[with German accent] "VE HAVE VAYS
OF MAKING YOU TALK."
- THAT'S THE SCHINDLER'S TITS.
- THOSE SOUND LIKE SOME RIGHTEOUS MOVES
FOR A COUPLE OF MCLOVINS THAT HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN A PAIR.
[chuckles] YEAH, BUT DON'T FORGET.
THERE'S A HUMAN BEING ATTACHED TO THOSE BREASTS.
AND THAT HUMAN BEING IS LOCO IN THE CABEZA,
'CAUSE SHE'LL STEAL YOUR MONEY,
RIP YOUR HEART OUT,
AND TAKE THOSE CANS TO A TIME-SHARE IN LAKE HAVASU.
[sobbing] SADIE!
[rock music]
* *
- WE LEARN MORE IN THIS CAFETERIA
FROM SOCIAL INTERACTIONS
THAN WE DO IN ANY USELESS BRAINWASHING CLASS.
IGNORE THE BELL, PEOPLE.
DO NOT LET IT CONTROL YOU.
[bell rings]
YOU ARE ALL COGS IN THE MACHINE!
[gulps]
- [whispers] I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE TWO ARE SIBLINGS.
IT'S REALLY STARTING TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.
[groovy music]
- [giggles] STOP, IT TICKLES.
- [shudders]
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, JEENA.
DID YOU TRY THE CORN DOGS TODAY?
THEY'RE THE BEST THINGS I'VE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH.
I MEAN, OF THE THINGS I'VE EATEN.
I DON'T JUST PUT THINGS IN MY MOUTH.
LIKE, IF SOMEBODY PUTS SOMETHING IN MY MOUTH
THAT WASN'T FOOD, I'D SPIT IT OUT.
NOT THAT I'M A SPITTER--
WELL, I'M NOT A SWALLOWER, EITHER, I JUST--
[sighs] DID YOU SAY YOU TRIED THE CORN DOGS?
- NO, I JUST CHOKED DOWN A SAUSAGE.
[laughter]
- [giggling]
- WELL, I BETTER GO TALK HIM DOWN.
I'M IN CHARGE THIS WEEKEND SINCE OUR PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN.
STOP WASHING YOURSELF IN THE DRINKING FOUNTAIN.
- I WILL WHEN THEY INSTALL A BIDET.
- [whispering] DUDE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ALL OF MY VIRGINITY-LOSING FANTASIES START WITH,
"MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN," AND END WITH,
"MONDO, YOU'RE THE BEST LOVER I'VE EVER HAD.
HERE'S A SANDWICH."
I'VE GOT TO GET INTO THAT HOUSE.
- TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT FROM PLANET WADSKA.
HE SPENDS EVERY NIGHT WITH HER.
- THAT'S IT. WADSKA'S THE KEY.
OH, IF YOUR NOSE WEREN'T SO PHALLIC, I'D KISS YOU.
[electrical buzzing]
HEY, WADSKA. IS THAT A TIME MACHINE?
[machine beeping]
[explosion]
- NOPE.
- ANYWAY, WOODIE AND I WERE TALKING, AND WE REALIZED
WE HARDLY EVER HANG OUT WITH YOU OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.
WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AWESOME TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER.
UNFORTUNATELY, MY HOUSE IS BEING,
UH, BUG-BOMBED AND WOODIE'S HOUSE IS--
- OH, IT'S ON FIRE. - IT'S ON HORRIBLE FIRE.
SO, I'M NOT SURE WHERE WE CAN HAVE IT.
- [laughs] I SEE EXACTLY WHERE THIS IS GOING.
- YOU DO?
- THE SAD, FAT, LITTLE NEW KID
WANTS TO SLEEP OVER AT MY HOUSE
AND GAIN SOME POPULARITY POINTS!
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK!
MY PARENTS ARE AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
- REALLY?
- YES, WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO.
UNSPEAKABLE THINGS.
- SOUNDS PERFECT.
- AND A LITTLE CREEPY. - EXCELLENT.
THEN IT'S A THREE-WAY-SLEEP-DATE.
- OR WE CAN CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE.
- OH, FINE.
THEN A THREE-MAN FUN-GASM IT IS!
SEE YOU LATER, GENITALS!
- FOR THE RECORD,
I HAVE NOT AGREED TO PARTICIPATE IN ANY SLEEPOVER.
- DUDE, I NEED YOU TO OCCUPY WADSKA
SO I CAN HANG OUT WITH JEENA.
- FINE, I WILL BE YOUR WINGMAN ON TWO CONDITIONS:
ONE, YOU HAVE TO WAX MY BOARD FOR A MONTH.
AND TWO, I GET TO FEEL YOUR CHESTICLES.
IT MAY BE AS CLOSE AS I'M GOING TO GET
TO A GIRL FOR A WHILE AND I WANT TO TRY OUT
SOME NEW MOVES I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE.
- PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
SLUT.
- AREN'T YOU EXCITED? FIRST SLEEPOVER IN THE NEW TOWN?
- IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, MOM.
IT'S JUST WADSKA'S.
- OF COURSE IT IS, MY LITTLE CHERUB.
GOOD LUCK. [chuckles]
WITH JEENA.
- SWEET EVENING, BABS. YOU'RE LOOKING FOXY AS ALWAYS.
- OH, HI, MS. TEETS.
- WE'RE NOT IN SCHOOL, SWEETIE. CALL ME VONEETA.
- OKAY, VONEETA.
I'LL HAVE YOUR RENT CHECK FIRST THING ON MONDAY.
THANKS AGAIN FOR GIVING US SUCH A REASONABLE PRICE
ON SUCH A NICE PLACE.
- OH, HUSH YOUR SUCKHOLE, SWEETIE.
US YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE, SEXUALLY PROGRESSIVE WOMEN
HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, TA-TA.
BETTER LET YOU GO
AND GET YOUR FREAK-END STARTED, SISTER-GIRL.
- I'M ACTUALLY STAYING IN TONIGHT.
- THAT'S SURPRISING.
YOU'VE GONE OUT THE LAST FOUR FRIDAYS IN A ROW.
THREE IN THAT LITTLE LOW-CUT BLACK DRESS.
I'M GUESSING.
- YEAH, I'M TAKING THE NIGHT OFF.
YOU KNOW, WITH MONDO GONE,
I ACTUALLY HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE OF CLEANING THIS PLACE.
- MUST BE NICE TO HAVE CHOICES.
FOR ME, FRIDAY NIGHT MEANS RERUNS OF WIFE SWAP
AND A LEAN POCKET.
I DON'T EVEN BOTHER DEFROSTING THEM ANYMORE.
AFTER THAT, I CALL THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
RADIO STATION AND DEDICATE A CARRIE UNDERWOOD SONG
TO MYSELF, JUST TO PRETEND THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE
WHO CARES ABOUT ME.
THEN I CRY INTO MY PILLOW, PASS OUT, AND IF I'M LUCKY,
I WAKE UP, AND IT'S MONDAY.
SO ANYHOO...
- WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT, VONEETA?
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT?
- REALLY? - YEAH.
WE'LL BE LIKE A COUPLE OF SEX IN THE CITY GIRLS.
- OKAY, I'LL GO.
EVERYONE SAYS I'M JUST LIKE SAMANTHA,
BUT WITHOUT THAT MANNISH VOICE.
- HMM, RIGHT.
- OH, FANTASTIC, I'LL WEAR MY "DO ME" MUUMUU.
- GREAT. I WONDER WHAT I SHOULD WEAR.
- THE LOW-CUT BLACK DRESS!
OR SOMETHING ELSE. IT'S ALL REALLY THE SAME TO ME.
BUT WEAR IT.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ABOUT TO ENTER JEENA'S HOUSE.
SHE SLEEPS HERE. SHE SHOWERS NAKED HERE.
- SHE ALSO POOPS HERE.
- I KNOW!
[doorbell rings]
[door creaks open]
[sinister laughter]
- WELCOME, BEST FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL.
[door slams shut]
THAT WAS THE WIND. [laughs wickedly]
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
WE HAVE PREMIUM CABLE
AND VARIOUS HETEROSEXUAL MAGAZINES.
[evilly laughs]
[upbeat music]
[dove coos]
NAILED IT!
NOW THAT THE BIRD HAS DIED IN VAIN,
WE CAN COMMENCE THE GREATEST SLEEPOVER OF YOUR LIVES.
- YOU GOT TO ADMIT, HE REALLY COMMITS.
- WE HAVE A LOT TO DO. FOLLOW ME.
WELCOME TO MY BEDROOM, AKA, MR. MAGORIUM'S MASTURBATORIUM.
- I JUST REALIZED I'M NOT SLEEPY.
- I SHOULD TELL YOU I LOST TRACK
OF MY BABY RATTLESNAKE A FEW WEEKS AGO.
I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S DEAD BY NOW,
BUT IF NOT, NO WORRIES.
YOU'LL HAVE THREE HOURS BEFORE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM
COMPLETELY SHUTS DOWN.
NOW, HERE ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND WALKIE-TALKIES.
PLEASE ONLY USE THESE IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
OR IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ROOM SOMEONE IS IN.
TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO BLOW YOU BOTH--
LET ME FINISH--
AWAY!
I HAVE CREATED A SCHEDULE OF ACTIVITIES TO MAXIMIZE
MAN-ON-MAN-ON-MAN JOY
AND RAISE OUR BEST-FRIENDSHIP TO ANOTHER LEVEL.
- WHAT'S "CHIPMUNKING"?
- PATIENCE.
YOU WILL FIND OUT AT CLOSING CEREMONIES,
IF YOU CAN LAST THAT LONG.
I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'M GOING TO SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL.
- WHAT'S IN THAT ROOM? - JUST A CLOSET.
[door slams shut]
[locks clicking]
- LOOK, WE MADE HIS HERO WALL.
[suspenseful music]
- THIS ISN'T A HERO WALL.
IT'S A HIT LIST.
WADSKA IS THE MESSENGER OF DEATH,
AND WE'RE NEXT.
- [on walkie-talkie] I'M COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET.
LADIES AND GENTLE-LADIES,
IT IS TIME FOR OUR FIRST ACTIVITY:
PANDORA PAINTBALL!
BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE AVATAR AMP SUIT
AND ONE PAINTBALL GUN.
SO I WILL BE THE HUNTER AND YOU WILL BE MY NA'VI PREY.
RUN! [paintball gunshots]
[rapid gunfire]
- * INTO A CIRCLE WAS NO LIFE *
* I DEFY *
both: * LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN AND WAKE MY DREAMS *
* LET IT WASH AWAY MY SANITY *
- * 'CAUSE I WANNA FEEL THE THUNDER *
* I WANNA SCREAM *
- MONDO? - [screams]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
THIS IS MY BEDROOM. - [clears throat]
SORRY, I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE.
WADSKA'S RUNNING AROUND WITH A GUN, HUNTING US.
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE COVER.
- [laughs] I'LL BE SAFE.
HE LOVES HIS SISTER.
[gun clicks] AND HE DON'T WANT TO GET GOT.
- [laughs]
SO WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TONIGHT?
- I HAVE A LOT OF STUDYING TO DO.
- WELL, IF YOU NEED HELP WITH ANYTHING,
I CAN TAKE A BREAK FROM THE SLEEPOVER--
[doorbell rings]
- WOULD YOU MIND ANSWERING THAT?
- SURELY.
- HEY, BABE. HOW'S THIS FOR ROMANCE?
- [screams]
WHY DO YOU HAVE A ROSE IN YOUR ASS?
- OW!
WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY ASS, PROP 8?
AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- UM, UM...
HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH WADSKA.
- [chuckles] THAT SOUNDS SUPER AWESOME,
IF "AWESOME" MEANT "GAY,"
AND "SUPER" MEANT... "SUPER."
WHERE'S JEENA?
- OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WANT
TO HANG OUT WITH HER, TONIGHT.
SHE CAUGHT A TERRIBLE...
PERIOD.
- [sniffs]
NICE TRY, CHODE. THAT'S PAINT.
I'LL SHOW YOU SOME BLOOD.
IT'S YOUR FACE'S TIME OF THE MONTH.
- OH, IS THAT FOR ME?
THAT'S SWEET.
THE FIRST ROSE YOU'VE GIVEN ME
THAT DIDN'T COME OUT OF YOUR ASS.
BUT DON'T FORGET, THIS IS A STUDY DATE.
- SUCK IT.
- [laughing]
TARGET DESTROYED.
- I FOUND ANOTHER GUN.
[giggles] SORRY.
- [strumming ukulele]
- DAMN, NOT A LOT OF SEX OPTIONS UP IN HERE.
- WHAT ABOUT LONNIE?
- I HAD THAT FOOL.
BUT HE WASN'T QUITE, YOU KNOW, MAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
- WELL, THAT DOESN'T LOOK VERY SMALL.
- OH, MY ARMS ONLY GO THIS CLOSE.
HAVEN'T CLAPPED IN YEARS.
- PUPU PLATTER FOR SIX?
- I SAID FOR EIGHT. WHAT THE EFF?
BUT I GUESS THIS WILL HAVE TO DO.
ALAS, I'M PROBABLY ALWAYS GONNA BE SINGLE.
IT'S NO SECRET WHY.
[belches] HOMEGIRL CAN'T COMMIT.
OH, [bleep].
I GOT PUPU ON MY "DO ME" MUUMUU.
OH, GOD.
- OH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE STAIN, HONEY.
IT'LL COME OUT.
- OH, IT'S NOT THAT.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE I'VE GOT IT ALL--
SEX ED TEACHER, INCOME RENTAL PROPERTY,
KARDASHIAN BOOTY--
BUT THE TRUTH IS, BABS...
[sobs] I'M VERY LONELY.
- YOU POOR THING.
YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT MY PERSONAL QUEST
TO FIND YOU A GOOD GUY TONIGHT.
[shrieks]
- ORDER YOUR OWN, BITCH!
[chuckles] JUST KIDDING.
BUT GET YOUR OWN.
- [groans]
AH. [gasps]
WOODIE, WAKE UP.
- HMM. WHERE ARE WE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- HELLO AGAIN, BEST FRIENDS. DON'T BE ALARMED.
I ASSURE YOU ARE BOTH IN POSSESSION
OF YOUR ORIGINAL KIDNEYS AND YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BODIES
WERE NOT VIOLATED BY ANYONE OUTSIDE OF THIS RESIDENCE.
IT IS TIME FOR OUR NEXT ACTIVITY!
SUSPENDED ABOVE EACH--
[breaking up] DAMN IT! SON OF A--
THIS FU--THING--BALLS!
EVERY DAMN TIME! UGH!
OKAY, WHERE WAS I?
OH, YEAH.
SUSPENDED ABOVE--
MOTHER--
DAMN IT-- PIECE OF--
[sighs] SUSPENDED ABOVE EACH OF YOU
IS YOUR KEY TO FREEDOM.
HOWEVER, TAKING SAID KEY WILL CAUSE THE TUB
OF POISONOUS SPIDERS, CENTIPEDES, AND WORMS
TO SPILL DOWN ON YOUR COMRADE.
YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS. THAT'S ALL.
[timer beeps]
- WOODIE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY BEST BUD AND ALL,
BUT I NEED TO GET TURK OUT OF HERE SO I CAN GET WITH JEENA.
- FINE, BUT IT'S UNLIMITED CHESTICLES, UNDER THE SHIRT,
BARE SKIN TO BARE SKIN.
- DONE.
- YOU HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM.
[timer beeping] HMM.
I GUESS WADSKA'S--
[screams]
HOW'D I GET IN A BATHING SUIT?
- JEENA, STOP BEING SUCH A STICK IN THE MUFF.
WE'LL GET TO STUDYING IN A MINUTE.
HEY, I WROTE A SONG FOR YOU. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
* YOU'RE A LUCKY GIRL, YOU GET TO BE WITH ME *
* YOU GOT SOME LUCKY EYES, 'CAUSE IT'S ME THAT YOU SEE *
* MY HAIR, MY ABS, MY RIPPLING PECS *
* THEY'D EVEN MAKE GOD ERECT *
* YOU'RE A LUCKY GIRL, I'D GIVE YOU ME FOR FREE *
* I'M JEALOUS OF YOU, YOU GET TO MAKE LOVE TO ME *
- IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
HOW AM I GOING TO COMPETE WITH THAT?
UGH! AND WHY AM I SO FAT?
OOH.
- HOW ABOUT THAT GUY?
- PASS. I'LL JUST BE HORNY AN HOUR LATER.
DELICATE WRISTS.
IT'D BE LIKE BOUNCING A HOT DOG DOWN A HALLWAY.
NO, HE'S A FAT PERSON.
- WHAT ABOUT THAT EUROPEAN GUY?
- OH, YO-DEE-LAY-ME-NEVER.
- WELL, HELLO, THERE, WET DREAM.
I SEE YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH YOUR DRINK.
HOW ABOUT I GET YOU A FRESHIE?
- MY FRIEND AND I ALWAYS DRINK TOGETHER,
SO MAYBE YOU BOTH COULD JOIN US?
- [munching loudly]
- WHOA, WHOA! GOD, NO.
I-I-I FORGOT THAT I'M GAY.
- UH, ME TOO.
- PROVE IT.
PUT YOUR TONGUES IN EACH OTHER'S MOUTH, BITCHES.
[both groaning]
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ALL STRIKES, AND NO BALLS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE,
OPEN UP SOME CHERRY WINE, AND TAKE A DIP IN THE HOT TUB?
YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK A HYDRAULIC LIFT, RIGHT?
- HANG ON, BABS BRANDO DOES NOT GIVE UP THAT EASY.
- AH!
AH, THANKS.
- HMM, ROUGH ONE, HUH?
- THEY DON'T HAVE TO SET ME ON FIRE.
THEY COULD JUST SAY, "NO."
OH, WELL.
- HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT COMING HOME
WITH ME AND MY FRIEND?
- SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
TO GET TO THE PRINCESS, I HAVE TO GO THROUGH BOWSER.
- COME ON, TURK. WE HAVE TO STUDY.
- WE NEED TO BE IN A RELAXED STATE
IN ORDER TO SOAK UP THE INFORMATION.
YOU KNOW, STUDIES SHOW WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF.
- AH!
WHOA. WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.
- GROW UP.
LET'S GO TO MY BEDROOM SO I CAN CHANGE.
- [laughs] I'LL RACE YA.
- BALLS.
BALLS.
[leaf blower whirring]
- [gasps] HOW BEAUTIFUL.
- [quietly] BALLS.
- AH! OOF!
- IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING, IT'S NOT ME.
LITTLE SLIPPERY SHRIMP SLIPPED DOWN THERE EARLIER.
- A LITTLE MOOD LIGHTING,
SOME "POUND SOUNDS," AND IF YOU GET HUNGRY...
MY SEX MIX, CHEX MIX.
IT'S GOT CRAISINS. MMM.
- YOU HAD ME AT "POUND SOUNDS."
[imitating cell phone ring]
- OH, IS THAT MY PHONE?
HELLO? OH, MY GOD.
MY SON MONDO IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK?
I SHOULD STOP WHAT I'M DOING NO MATTER HOW EROTIC IT MAY BE?
YEAH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, SORRY. I GOTTA GO.
[TV powers on]
- [over TV] I'M GOING TO JERSEY SHORE, BITCH!
- I HOPE HER KID'S OKAY.
OH!
- I THINK WE BOTH ENTERED THIS THREESOME UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
BUT I DID TAKE A WHOLE FLIGHT OF STAIRS,
AND YOU'RE OUT 36 BUCKS ON DRINKS SO...
[bed creaking]
LET'S DO THIS THING.
- [screams]
- OH, AND YOU SHOULD REALLY HAVE A SAFE WORD.
- AH!
- [sighs] DOES THIS HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH CHIPMUNKING?
- BE PATIENT.
THE TIME WILL COME.
IN THE MEANTIME, HERE.
TAKE YOUR SWORDS.
- NO!
WADSKA, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH A SPAZ?
CAN'T WE JUST WATCH A MOVIE, OR MAKE CRANK CALLS,
OR BREAK INTO YOUR PARENTS' LIQUOR CABINET,
AND STEAL THEIR CAR LIKE OTHER NORMAL TEENAGE KIDS?
- OKAY. WOW.
I MEAN, COULD HAVE DONE ALL THE NORMAL STUFF,
BUT I WANTED TONIGHT TO BE EXTRA SPECIAL.
I PROGRAMMED EVERY EVENT BASED ON YOUR PERSONAL INTERESTS.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I GOT SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A PAINTBALL.
- [groans] WHAT AM I TALKING--
YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE IS AVATAR.
ANYONE CAN WATCH IT! I LET YOU LIVE IT.
SHOT LIKE A NA'VI TRYING TO PROTECT HIS TREE OF SOULS.
AND YOU...
YOUR FAVORITE GORE FRANCHISE IS SAW.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BUCKET FULL OF BUGS AND WORMS?
- THEY'RE GUMMI WORMS. IT'S YOUR FAVORITE CANDY.
- THIS ONE'S SO LIFELIKE.
- I'LL TAKE THAT. THANK YOU.
- WHOA, I GUESS WE MISJUDGED YOU, BRO.
- YEAH, YOU'RE NOT REALLY THAT CREEPY AFTER ALL.
- ALL I DO...
* I DO FOR YOU *
- AND WE'RE RIGHT BACK TO CREEPY.
- DULY NOTED.
[swords clang]
- WAIT, GUYS. SHUSH.
[passionate moaning] - OH, YEAH!
- EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
OH, HA-HA!
- MONDO!
- OH, I'M SORRY. I HEARD SCREAMING.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WERE IN DANGER, SO I...
SHOT YOU WITH PAINTBALLS.
WHERE IS TURK?
- HE LEFT A WHILE AGO.
HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO STUDY.
HE DIDN'T EVEN BRING ANY BOOKS.
ONLY THIS PORN VIDEO.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE.
HAVE YOU?
- UH, NO. NOT REALLY.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.
I'VE WATCHED ONE FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.
WELL, I MEAN, I WATCHED MORE THAN A MINUTE.
I CAN WATCH FOR HOURS SOMETIMES.
UH, I DON'T MEAN I WATCH PORN FOR HOURS.
YOU'RE TWISTING MY WORDS.
- [giggles]
I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT THE BIG FUSS WAS ABOUT.
BUT I FEEL LIKE A PERV WATCHING IT ALONE.
DO YOU WANNA WATCH WITH ME?
- AH, YEAH. SURE.
[animalistic moaning] GROSS.
THERE'S NO STORY WHATSOEVER.
THEY'RE JUST GOING FOR SHOCK VALUE.
- OH, NO. I PAUSED IT.
THIS IS FAMILY GUY.
[groovy music]
RELAX.
COME UP HERE.
- [laughs nervously] OOPSIE.
- ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS?
- YES. I MEAN, NO.
OF COURSE NOT. NO, NO, NO.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE MORE FUN?
[clears throat]
[as man on TV] EXCUSE ME MA'AM. PANTS DETECTIVE.
IT SEEMS YOUR PANTS HAVE GONE MISSING.
- [laughs]
[as woman on TV] WHY, YES, I KEEP TOUCHING MYSELF
TO CHECK, BUT THEY'RE STILL GONE.
[laughter]
- [as man on TV] ALSO, I BROUGHT YOU A PIZZA.
- [as woman on TV] IT SHOULD BE FREE.
IT TOOK MORE THAN A HALF HOUR, AND THERE'S A PENIS IN IT.
[laughter]
- [as man on TV] AH, MA'AM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME
WITH ORAL SEX.
I ACCEPT CASH, CREDIT CARDS, AND REGULAR SEX.
[laughter]
- [on walkie-talkie] BEST FRIEND NUMBER TWO,
THIS IS BEST FRIEND NUMBER ONE.
CLOSING CEREMONIES ARE ABOUT TO COMMENCE.
WHAT'S YOUR 20?
- WOW, HE GAVE YOU THE "BEST FRIEND" WALKIES.
HE'S HAD THEM FOR, LIKE, EIGHT YEARS,
AND YOU'RE THE FIRST FRIENDS HE'S HAD OVER TO USE THEM.
- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
- YEAH, YOU GUYS MUST MEAN A LOT TO HIM.
- BEST FRIEND NUMBER TWO TO BEST FRIEND NUMBER ONE.
I'M FLYING IN.
AH, THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD PLAYING "PORNEOKE."
- [chuckles]
[triumphant music]
- OKAY, WELCOME TO THE CLOSING CEREMONIES OF THE
THREE-WAY-SLEEP-DATE-MAN- LOVE-FEST!
ALSO KNOWN AS THE EVERYDAY AVERAGE DUDES' SLUMBER-BANG.
- CLOSE ENOUGH.
- AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
CHIPMUNKING!
- FINALLY! - COOL.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?
- HUMAN BEINGS DON'T BEND THAT WAY.
- OH, MY GOD! GET THOSE OUT OF THERE!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING? [both screaming]
- SO HOW DID THINGS WORK OUT WITH JEENA LAST NIGHT?
- AWESOME. WE WATCHED PORN TOGETHER.
- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE LAYING THE FOUNDATION
TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
SO WHAT ELSE DID YOU GUYS DO?
- WELL, I WATCHED A LITTLE WEIRD DUDE
STUFF HIS NUTS IN HIS MOUTH.
- OH, YEAH. CHIPMUNKING.
- SO...WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
- AH, NOTHING MUCH. IT WAS A QUIET NIGHT.
[door slams open]
- YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BURN THAT MATTRESS.
- THEY'RE SO LADYLIKE.
- OKAY, DUDE. THAT'S ENOUGH.
- DON'T MAKE THIS WEIRD FOR ME.
- UH-UH.
I NEVER AGREED TO THE GERMAN CIGARETTE.
- YAH. - NEIN.
- YAH. - NEIN!