1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,879
'Tonight, on Pete Versus Life,

2
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:05,239
'the socially inept
would-be sports writer

3
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:08,399
'takes on a quite daunting array
of top flight opponents.

4
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,639
'There's his best mate's
fiancee, Anna,

5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,559
'whose goal is never to have to
use public transport again.

6
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:20,179
'Jen, the human rights lawyer who
once threw a carton of natural
yoghurt at Tony Blair.

7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:24,399
'And his ex-flatmate,
Jake - he likes the environment,

8
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,719
'but he also likes a laugh.

9
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,719
'Let's see how he gets on
in Pete Versus Life.'

10
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:36,079
Welcome. I'm Colin King.

11
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,519
And I'm Terry McIlroy.

12
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,999
So, we find Pete in a theme bar.
What do you think the theme is,
Terry?

13
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,439
Well, the world's shittest pub
by the looks of it, Colin.

14
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,519
On the plus side, it's full of
young, pretty girls,

15
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,079
or, as we used to say
back in the old days, "crumpet".

16
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,999
'Well, times have moved on. Let's
just say "attractive young women".

17
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,319
'Although I believe the term
"bitches" is now acceptable.

18
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,679
'Not on TV, Terry.'

19
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,359
Hi, guys. Hey!

20
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,279
Oh!

21
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,439
Oh, two.

22
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,559
Has anyone got any questions they
want me to ask Cristiano Ronaldo?

23
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:04,319
It's all set for tomorrow.

24
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:05,959
The interview's happening?
Brilliant!

25
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,319
Yeah, basically...

26
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,599
Excuse me, Pete, but we were having
a conversation before you arrived.

27
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,079
Oh, sorry.

28
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,759
Unless you think football
is more important than our wedding?

29
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,679
No, your wedding's great.

30
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,039
Thanks. So I was just telling Ollie
about the place settings...

31
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,079
every table's going to be named
after a different college at Oxford,

32
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,799
cos that was such an important part
of my life.

33
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,879
That's a really good idea.

34
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,799
There'll be Brasenose, Pembroke,
Jesus, Oriel, Trinity...

35
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,279
She's mentioned this table
place settings idea before, hasn't she?

36
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,879
Yeah, on the 4th of March
and the 12th of March.

37
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,879
It's also the 114th time she's
crowbarred in the fact that
she went to Oxford.

38
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,879
Astonishing to think
she was only there for two terms.

39
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,239
And of course the last time they met,

40
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,999
Pete had to sit through
45 minutes on canapes...

41
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,519
That's right... and an hour a half

42
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:51,159
on the special vows she's written for
Rob to say,

43
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,639
which left very little time
for Pete's topics.

44
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,879
There's so much here
for Pete to dislike

45
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,679
and that's before we get to the fact
that since the engagement,

46
00:01:58,680 --> 00:01:59,799
she's taken to calling Rob...

47
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,239
Bunny! Bunny. Bunny.
Bunny. Bunny.

48
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,079
Bunny!

49
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,639
Balliol...

50
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,119
Oh. Work.

51
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,639
Hiya.

52
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,239
Everyone still happy with Amsterdam
for the stag weekend?

53
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,919
I'll be perfectly happy just to look
at prostitutes in shop windows.

54
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,119
Well, what's the point of that?

55
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,039
You get to look at them, but because
they're behind glass they can't get you.

56
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,719
Fantastic news, Bunny!

57
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,719
Sally can cover for me at work -
I can come to Amsterdam on
the stag weekend!

58
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,999
Oh, that's brilliant!

59
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,879
We decided if I could swing it,
then I should come,

60
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,799
because we're not only lovers
but also...

61
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,279
best friends.

62
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,279
Yeah... well, th-that is brilliant.

63
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,719
We can hire bicycles,
go to the Van Gogh Museum...

64
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,159
It's going to be a scream!
'So, Pete under pressure.

65
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,039
'What's he got in his locker?'

66
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,559
Oh, my God! We can visit Anne Frank's house.

67
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,359
Oh, I can't come.

68
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,439
What? Why not?

69
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,999
Uh...

70
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,639
Because of global warming.

71
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:56,679
What?

72
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,879
Short haul flights
are an environmental crime.

73
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,359
But I thought it was your idea
to go to Amsterdam?

74
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,119
Yeah, I know, but I've had time to
think about it and...

75
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:08,119
air travel results in 1.5 kilos
of carbon dioxide

76
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,399
being emitted into the Earth's
atmosphere for every mile flown,

77
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:13,999
and that is unacceptable.

78
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,999
But you've... you've got to come,
mate. It's... it's my stag weekend.

79
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:22,439
Yeah, I know but... it's your
children's future.

80
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,559
Just going for a wee.

81
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,559
Hi, I'm Chloe. Sorry, I couldn't
help overhearing what you were
saying,

82
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:33,359
and I think it's fantastic that
you're not going on your friend's

83
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,799
stag weekend for the sake
of the environment.

84
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,999
It's just something I'm really
passionate about.

85
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,519
In fact, that's mine there,
left it there earlier.

86
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,279
Oh, for me the environment
is like a religion.

87
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,799
Me too.

88
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,159
Really like it.

89
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,679
Well, Terry, it looks like
they wasted no time at all.

90
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,039
There's no other way to put this -
they are in the foreplay stages

91
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,439
of the act of love-making.

92
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,399
And look at Pete's face!

93
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,079
She's got her hand on his old man.

94
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,199
What a great feeling that is, eh,
Colin?

95
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,599
Oh, yeah, one of the best.

96
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:07,359
Getting the hand wrapped round
the old bald-headed giggle stick.
It's always a magic moment.

97
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:10,679
I remember back in '85, I was
walking out with a young Anthea
Turner...

98
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:14,079
Have to stop you there, Terry. Looks
like Pete is going downstairs. Yes!

99
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,439
He's off the fairway
and into the rough.

100
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,159
Aye, yodelling in the canyon.
It's not something you'd expect
from Pete,

101
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,519
not something he's overly fond of,
but fair play to the lad,

102
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,999
he's pulling out all the bells
and whistles on this one.

103
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,239
'So, let's take a closer look at
the action. Well, he's resurfaced.

104
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,759
'Looks like they're going togo for
it - oh, and they're off!

105
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,319
'Yeah, and very quickly
into a nice rhythm.'

106
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:36,559
Oh, Pete.

107
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,439
'Listen to Chloe, making
some very encouraging noises.

108
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,159
'Well, he's acquitted
himself very well so far, but now

109
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,759
'is the crucial phase, this is
where discipline really comes in.

110
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,959
'Oh, and there's the first
indication

111
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,879
'he may be reaching the finishing
line sooner than he'd hoped.

112
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,719
'Come on, Peter, keep it going.

113
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,359
'Aye, she's a very beautiful girl.

114
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,559
'It's probably the most erotic
experience of Pete's life so far.

115
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,599
'It's not looking too good, is it?

116
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,359
'Come on, Pete, hang in there.
Oh, that's brilliant.

117
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,719
'He's thinking of Wayne Rooney.
That's bought him some valuable time.

118
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,919
'Yeah, not much chance of a
dishonourable discharge when
you're thinking of Wayne.

119
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,319
'Oh, but this is surely trickier
ground. Metrosexual icon,

120
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:14,559
'David Beckham.

121
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:18,159
'It is trickier, Colin, but,
you know, I reckon he can hold on.

122
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,599
'Come on, Pete, keep it going.
Oh, no! It's Kate Humble from
Springwatch!

123
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,479
'Surely it's only a matter of
seconds now.

124
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,159
'And, yes... It's all over,
there it is.

125
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,879
'The ball very much in the back of
the net.

126
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:33,679
'Very disappointing end there, but,
you know, not a bad performance.

127
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,559
'What you've got to remember here
is, Colin,

128
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,919
'it's the first time the lad's
played in over a year.'

129
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,239
Well, I've just got some times in
and...

130
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,159
two minutes 43 for the last phase
there, and looking at these stats,

131
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,879
that's actually one of the longest
times he's managed on a first outing.

132
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,079
Is he maturing?

133
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,959
No, he had a crafty one
off the wrist this morning.

134
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,239
'She lies there like a young
Audrey Hepburn,

135
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:56,959
'but what's wrong with Pete's face?

136
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,839
'Well, for the first time since
he were about nine-year-old,
he's genuinely happy.'

137
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:04,199
Morning. Morning.

138
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,919
Peter, have you been eating my
Weetabix again?

139
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,079
Kurt?!

140
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,399
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise
you were here with a young lady.

141
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,599
Hello.

142
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,279
I trust you've been practising
safe sex?

143
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,559
Get out!

144
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,239
It's very important
we talk about this.

145
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,839
In my country, HIV-related illnesses
are reaching epidemic levels.

146
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,999
Oh, we did use a condom.
No, don't answer him.

147
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,519
I'm pleased to hear it.
What about my Weetabix?

148
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:25,799
Haven't touched your Weetabix.

149
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,839
Who else has eaten them?
The landlady? Her body
cannot tolerate fibre.

150
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,839
I'll get you some new Weetabix,
even though I haven't touched 'em.
Get out!

151
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,399
Nice to meet you, eh?

152
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,359
And you.

153
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,399
Have you been taking his Weetabix?

154
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,639
Well, yeah.

155
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:44,039
He says Weetabix, but really
they're only Tesco's own brand.

156
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,719
Interesting fact about
Pete's flatmate, Kurt,

157
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,319
is back in Zimbabwe
he once killed a crocodile.

158
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:53,319
Not many crocodiles for Kurt
now as he's studying IT Science

159
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,879
at London Metropolitan University,

160
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,199
formerly, of course, Holloway
Polytechnic.

161
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,279
That's right.

162
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,679
'Did you go to Polytechnic, Terry?

163
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,839
'No, I'm proud to say, Colin, I've
got no qualifications whatsoever.

164
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,479
'Well done.'
That looks heavy.

165
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,199
Well, it's full of cows' liver.

166
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,279
Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it
to me. It's a Portuguese delicacy.

167
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,199
There she is. Lacks some
of the vision and swagger of her
famous grandson,

168
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,999
but can still pick 12 kilos
of olives in an hour.

169
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,399
Oh, yeah, how did that go?

170
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,119
I got on great with the granny,
but he left after one question.

171
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,039
What was the question?

172
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:26,039
"Why did that woman accuse you
of sexual assault?"

173
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,319
Anyway, don't worry about that.
What happened with that Chloe?

174
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,799
The problem is that she's nuts
about the environment,

175
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,159
and sooner or later, she'll want to
have a conversation about it.

176
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,799
I've managed to keep her
distracted so far with sex.

177
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:37,999
That won't last very long.

178
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,239
Tell me about it.

179
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,959
Oh, in fact, I've got a couple of
tickets for a conference.

180
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,119
That might help you out.

181
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,559
"The Arctic - let's stop it melting
together."

182
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,039
She might like these actually.
Where'd you get 'em from?

183
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,639
Jake. Jake?

184
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:52,959
What's he doing back?

185
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,839
He's one of the speakers
at the conference.

186
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,119
'Well, Jake is, I hesitate to
use the phrase, "Pete's nemesis",

187
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,159
'because there are so many enemy
figures in Pete's life,

188
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,079
'but he's not overly fond of Jake.

189
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,479
'And for all the reasons
everyone else likes him...

190
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,199
'he's good-looking,
he makes people laugh,

191
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,719
'and he's good in unstructured
conversation.

192
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,119
'Plus, of course, when they were
students, Jake witnessed this.

193
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,959
'Pete was watching
the Antiques Roadshow,

194
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,399
'didn't want to miss the valuation on
a hand-painted Regency vase,

195
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:21,399
'needed to wee, and took the bold
step of relieving himself into the teapot.'

196
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,199
All right, Pete?
I wasn't doing anything.

197
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,679
Hi, Pete.

198
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,919
Last night, all that stuff about
the environment,

199
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,239
that was all bollocks, wasn't it?

200
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,599
You don't want to go to Amsterdam
because Anna's coming.

201
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,359
No! No, you've got that all wrong,
mate.

202
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:40,079
No, rubbish, cos you flew to Rome for
the Champion's League Final in May.

203
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,639
I do like Anna... Sort of.

204
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,519
Why are you marrying her?

205
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:45,839
Oh, shut up, Pete.

206
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,359
I love her, I suppose. She's...
she's the wind beneath my wings.

207
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,559
I bet she said that.

208
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:54,199
Yeah, yeah, she did actually.
But it's fair enough.

209
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,719
You're too young to get married,
Rob. Especially to someone like her.

210
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:58,999
Oh, just ignore him, Rob.

211
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,999
It's not as if he'll tell her, is it?

212
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,479
No. No, of course not.

213
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,479
Anyway, I'd better get going.
We're going out for the day!

214
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,399
Anywhere nice? Ikea.

215
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,719
See ya.

216
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,519
You do know he'll tell Anna all of
that the minute he sees her.

217
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,559
He's not, he said.

218
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,199
Couples like that
tell each other everything.

219
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,039
You think so?

220
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,599
Of course, and you of all people
don't want to piss Anna off.

221
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,999
Her brother's just got a job with
ITV Sport. She might be able to put
in a good word.

222
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,359
I jump through hoops for no man.
People take me as they find me.

223
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,719
That'd be fine if you weren't
a wanker.

224
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,599
I'm not a wanker.

225
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,719
Maybe a little bit.

226
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,159
Well, looks like Pete's second date
with Chloe is Sunday lunch

227
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:39,079
at her mum and dad's house.
Surely an error?

228
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,439
It's way too early, Colin.

229
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,879
Pete's relationships never seem to
last too long once he's met the parents.

230
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,399
Let's take a look at the past form here.

231
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,359
As we can see, the longest one
was Julie, which continued

232
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,079
for a very painful six days
after he told her mum

233
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,559
he hates The Inspector Lynley
Mysteries.

234
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:57,319
Julie's mum, not only a huge fan
of Inspector Lynley,

235
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,319
but also of the Midsomer Murders.

236
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,159
Well, he's been in the house
just over an hour now.

237
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:07,039
He's going in for the meal proper.
Let's see how he gets on.

238
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,319
You have a lovely home.

239
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:09,399
Thank you.

240
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,919
It must be worth, what?
1.1, 1.2 million?

241
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,239
I don't know.
It's just our family home.

242
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:19,239
Um, Pete, I couldn't help hearing
you flushed the loo,

243
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,679
and I did say in this house
we only flush after number twos.

244
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:26,439
It's just one of the ways we try
to do our bit to help save the planet.

245
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,919
Oh, yeah, well I did do
a number two, actually, so...

246
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,559
Oh.

247
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:33,879
'Had he done a number two, Terry?
'No, Colin,

248
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,639
'and when Jen goes into the loo
later and finds the seat up,

249
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,279
'she'll see it was pure hyperbole.
'Thanks, Terry.'

250
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,319
We're all very big on
the environment here.

251
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,639
Like me.

252
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,639
Oh, Pete's given me tickets to a
conference on protecting
the Arctic ice field.

253
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,719
Birthday treat.

254
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,239
We could think up ways
to stop the Arctic melting.

255
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,999
That sounds wonderful.
Will you be joining us, Pete?

256
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,359
I'd love to, but I'm going
to see Tottenham at West Ham.

257
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,839
Oh.

258
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,679
Pete has to go for his job.

259
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,439
He's a sports writer.

260
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,679
Oh, that sounds interesting.
How's that going?

261
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,839
Really well. The work's
really coming in now.

262
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:06,999
You make a living from it?

263
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,359
That's right.
Although if I'm a little bit short,

264
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,479
University College Hospital are
always looking for test subjects.

265
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:16,479
I once got two grand
for having my heart stopped.

266
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:21,159
They started it again though.

267
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,719
Jen used to play netball for England.

268
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,239
Ah! Sorry, who's Jen?

269
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,079
My mum.

270
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,479
Oh, yeah.

271
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,479
Yeah, no, we just think calling
parents Mum and Dad, you know,
it sets up barriers.

272
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,639
Sometimes though that can be
a good thing, which you'd know if
you ever met my parents.

273
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,639
Cos they're fucking mental!

274
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,959
No, they're not really,
no, they're great.

275
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,959
Noreen and, er...

276
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,079
Can't remember his name now.

277
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,719
You can't remember
your own father's name?

278
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,519
No, it's completely gone.

279
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,479
Right. Well, I hope you
like vegetarian food.

280
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:07,759
Oh, I love it.

281
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,239
Oh, are you a vegetarian?

282
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,319
No.

283
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,279
Obviously, I agree with it all,

284
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,239
I mean killing animals is cruel,
wrong, isn't it?

285
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,719
You still eat meat though.
That's right.

286
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,479
Seems you haven't given the issue
of vegetarianism a great deal of
thought, Pete.

287
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,919
Mike. Sorry, who's Mike?

288
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,239
My dad.

289
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:32,199
Well, actually, Mike, I have
given it a great deal of thought.

290
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,799
Well, then it sounds like
you haven't reached any firm
conclusions.

291
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,199
Yeah, I have.

292
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:41,199
I've just reached two conclusions.

293
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,959
Well, eating meat is completely
ethically, morally wrong...

294
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,479
but at the same time it is
delicious.

295
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:57,359
And it's also a great source
of nutrients and vitamins.

296
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,279
Ah, yes, but so is tofu.
Yeah, but tofu's horrible.

297
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,079
This is tofu.

298
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,919
Shall we talk about something else?

299
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,119
'So, meeting the parents puts
the mockers on another perfectly

300
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,159
'viable relationship,
albeit one built on lies.

301
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,439
'Those who do not learn
the lessons of history

302
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,399
'are condemned to repeat them.

303
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,999
'Nicely put, Col.'
Frank!

304
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,839
Oh. What?

305
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,839
That's my dad's name.

306
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,359
Welcome back.

307
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,559
And it's no wonder Pete
is looking pale and waxy.

308
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:37,039
He's just spent a penny shy of 40
on a lady's scarf.

309
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,879
Yeah, it's for
Chloe's mum's birthday.

310
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,159
Well, at 40, it's a good 20 more

311
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,999
than he's ever spent
on his own mother.

312
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,399
Look at these stats.

313
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,359
I think particularly bad is 2006,

314
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,319
when his father gave him the money

315
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,959
to buy his mother a present,

316
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,679
and all he bought her was a mug tree.

317
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:57,679
'Oh, my word, it's Anna!
What's he going to do?

318
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,679
'Oh - I did not expect that.
He's hidden inside the child's taxi!

319
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,199
Well, the lad's just panicked there.
If he'd have thought

320
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,719
he could have ducked into
the Upper Crust sandwich shop,

321
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,119
looked at a suit in Suits You...

322
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,439
I would have gone into BHS,
they do a very nice cod and chips.

323
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,159
Oi. Get out. My boy wants a go.

324
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,519
In a minute...

325
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,159
You're too big for it, mate.

326
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,439
What's going on? Pete...?

327
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,359
Oh, hello, Anna.

328
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,959
All yours, mate.

329
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,559
You were hiding from me,
weren't you?

330
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:26,799
No! I just wanted to go in the taxi.

331
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,559
You were hiding from me
because you hate me.

332
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,719
Don't know where
you're getting all that from, Anna.

333
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,399
From Rob.
Oh...

334
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,199
I can't believe you made up
all that stuff about the environment

335
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,719
just to get out of spending
two days with me.

336
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,759
And what's worse is you're going out
with that lovely girl from the bar

337
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,519
who thinks you believe
all that stuff.

338
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,719
I know. It's awful, isn't it?

339
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,719
Well, I'm going to tell her.
What?!

340
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,519
I think she deserves to know
exactly who she's involved with.

341
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:54,159
No, don't do that, I'm sorry.
And now I've had a chance to think

342
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,759
and I've realised
that... I actually really like you.

343
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,559
Oh, shut up!

344
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,999
No, it's true,
that's why I bought you this.

345
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,479
This is for me?

346
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,479
Yeah, of course.

347
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,519
I love it!

348
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,359
It's exactly my sort of thing...

349
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,119
only people think,
"It's too middle-aged..."

350
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,719
No, I thought,"That is Anna."

351
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:17,879
Oh...

352
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,479
Thanks, Pete.

353
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,479
Why don't we just put this whole
thing behind us and just be friends?

354
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,479
Come here...
Mm?

355
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,679
Come here!
Ahhh...

356
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,679
Of course we can be friends.

357
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,959
Great...

358
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,479
Hasn't your brother
just started working at ITV Sport?

359
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,079
Oh, my God! Of course.
You're a sports journalist.

360
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,999
I'll have to see if
I can get you two together.

361
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,199
Shall we get a coffee
and talk about it?

362
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,839
Oh, no! I can't.

363
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,159
Shit.

364
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,479
But - I'll call him
and I'll keep you in the loop.

365
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:50,559
Great. Thanks, Anna.

366
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,479
I'm so glad we had this chat.

367
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:56,399
Yeah.

368
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:57,919
Three? OK.

369
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,519
Ciao, bunny!

370
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,999
'Nice work from Pete there,
but that still leaves him

371
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,839
'with the problem of buying
another present for Chloe's mum.

372
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,359
'And I very much doubt he's going to
shell out another 40 quid, Colin.

373
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,279
'Well, the blue carrier bag
doesn't look promising...

374
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,919
'but whatever's in there,
he's forgoing Tottenham - West Ham

375
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,279
'to give it to Jen, and all
to get into Chloe's good books.

376
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,599
'Thought you were going to say
get into her knickers.

377
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,559
'No, "good books", Terry.'

378
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,919
Hi, Chloe.

379
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,239
Pete. I didn't think
you could come to this.

380
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,479
Oh, it's only a football match,
and... I missed you.

381
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,439
Oh.
And, I've got your mum
a birthday present.

382
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,999
Oh, Pete...

383
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,159
Oh. Hello, Peter.

384
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,079
Happy birthday - Jen.

385
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,479
Thank you.
I got you something.

386
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,199
Here we are.

387
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,719
Oh. How intriguing!

388
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,599
It's something that every woman
as beautiful as you... should own.

389
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,599
Peter...

390
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,039
Ooh. It's like a little... gadget.
What is it, Pete?

391
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,159
It's a rape alarm.

392
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,479
Why would you buy me a rape alarm?

393
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,479
Have you got one already?
No, but... why would you buy it?

394
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,399
Well, because
you're an attractive woman - and...

395
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,319
people are going to want to,
you know...

396
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,999
Erm, I-I'm going to get some more
coffee. Would you like...

397
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,999
Oh, my God -
I haven't been insensitive, have I?

398
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,879
You haven't been raped, have you?
No!

399
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,879
Oh, thank God,
I thought I'd put my foot in it.

400
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,079
Oh - someone's raping Jen!
You must have gripped it too hard.

401
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:27,039
I can't find the off switch.
But they probably make it tricky
so rapists can't find it.

402
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,519
Can I see the instructions?

403
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,919
There you are.

404
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,759
Jake...
Pete.

405
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,039
Er... good to see you.

406
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,319
Oh. Here's your rape alarm.

407
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,599
Thank you.

408
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,359
I'm Jake, by the way.
I'm a friend of Pete's from uni.

409
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,759
I'm Jen,

410
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,199
this is my daughter, Chloe.
Lovely to meet you.

411
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,799
Are you interested
in the environment?

412
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,959
Oh, yes. I'm one of the speakers.

413
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,279
Really?

414
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,799
You didn't mention that, Pete.
I forgot.

415
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,719
I'll be talking about
my ice core research.

416
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,239
I'm just back from the North Pole.

417
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,599
The North Pole?!

418
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,959
Wow! That's where you can see
global warming happening the most.

419
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,319
It's really melting.

420
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,519
Oh...
I would love to go to the Arctic.

421
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,399
Well, if you're... ever up there,
I'd love to give you the tour.

422
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,719
Yeah, we might do that.
We might do that, yeah.

423
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:15,999
Oh... I didn't realise
you were an item.

424
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,919
We are, yeah.

425
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,879
Yes, but it's very early days.
Oh...

426
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,759
How's Charlotte?
Pardon me?

427
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,279
Charlotte. Are you going to be
seeing her when you're down?

428
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,159
Unfortunately we broke up.
Nearly six months ago.

429
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,239
I'm only... just feeling ready
to get back out there, you know.

430
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:34,119
I'm my own worst enemy -
I-I just commit so much emotionally.

431
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,039
Oh!

432
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,119
I'm afraid there's only
the chicken satay left.

433
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,999
No, thanks.
We're vegetarian.

434
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,679
So am I.
But you could have some, Pete.

435
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,679
Er, no.

436
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,799
After the other day, actually,
I've decided to turn vegetarian too.

437
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,919
Ahh. Did you hear that, Jen?

438
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,119
Yes.

439
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,799
Well, I'd better be off.
I'm on in five.

440
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,799
Ooh - but I'm having a party at
my place for Rob and Anna tomorrow.

441
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,279
I hope you can... come.

442
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,839
Should be all right, yeah.

443
00:18:58,840 --> 00:18:59,939
And it'd be great
if you guys could too.

444
00:18:59,959 --> 00:19:01,134
Oh, yeah. Definitely.

445
00:19:01,210 --> 00:19:03,416
I'm a little bit old
for that sort of thing.

446
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,399
Don't be silly, Jen. There'll be
plenty of other 30-year-olds there.

447
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,279
Jake!
You're incorrigible.

448
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,559
No, but Jen, I would love it
if you could make it.

449
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,559
There'll be a whole mix of people.
And some of the speakers here.

450
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,359
It'll be beard-tastic.

451
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:18,959
Well, in that case,
we'd be delighted.

452
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,759
Great. I'll see you tomorrow, then.

453
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,199
Or as the Inuit would say - "Belish"!

454
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,879
'So, a kick in the proverbials
for Pete,

455
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:30,519
'but on the plus side it looks like
Anna's come through with the audition

456
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,679
'and it seems to have gone
remarkably well.'

457
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,439
Fantastic! The way you just walked
in and read stuff off autocue...

458
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:37,799
that's just one thing
I could never do.

459
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,719
Oh, you were superb, Pete.

460
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,479
Oh, thanks, Anna.
We should have a little chat.

461
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,519
Great. Do you mind
if I just go to the loo first?

462
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,879
Sure. See you in a sec.

463
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,719
Well, I think you have
unearthed me a diamond.

464
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,239
Ooh...!

465
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,799
Hello, Ollie, mate.

466
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,879
Went brilliantly.

467
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,159
Oh - it was great.

468
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,839
Yeah. No, he's a nice bloke.

469
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,239
But... you know how touchy-feely Anna is?

470
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,559
Well, she's really weird
with her brother.

471
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,879
I mean, it makes you wonder
what Rob's marrying into.

472
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,359
She's all over him.
Like, kissing him on the lips,

473
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,039
sitting on his lap, holding hands.

474
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,159
It's really creepy. It's like...

475
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,679
some weird little
incestuous relationship.

476
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,799
I wonder who goes on top?

477
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,799
Anna, probably.
All right, mate, see ya.

478
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,559
So, is there anything else
you'd like me to do?

479
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,239
Yes. I'd like you
to get your things and go.

480
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,839
I thought you said
you wanted a chat.

481
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,279
No. And next time you go to the loo,

482
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,119
you might want to turn
your radio mic off.

483
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,959
Oh, my word! And in that instant all
Pete's dreams have turned to dust.

484
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,199
Let's see it again
from another angle...

485
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,799
Yeah, the whole body slumps there
and look how dead his eyes go.

486
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,799
And by the way -neither you,
nor people like you will ever

487
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:59,439
stop me expressing my feelings
for my sister.

488
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:03,639
Nor mine for him.

489
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,439
'Well, a couple of hours have lapsed
since Pete's broadcasting career

490
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,959
'imploded so spectacularly
in the urinals at Studio B.

491
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,239
'Aye, possibly
an all-time low for the lad.

492
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,239
'Or is it? I think Pete's just
realised - possibly a bit late...

493
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,839
'that the two worlds of
Anna and Chloe are about to collide

494
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,839
'in the not so far-off galaxy
of Jake's party in Kensington.

495
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,279
'And hell hath no fury
like a woman accused of incest.

496
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,679
'What a palaver!'
I'm sorry...

497
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,399
'Look at him, Terry.
His legs going like the clappers.

498
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,519
'Last time he ran that fast was
after he yelled an abusive remark

499
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,479
'at them Leeds fans.
'Remember it well.'

500
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,639
Oh. Pete.

501
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:51,719
Hi.

502
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,239
Is Chloe here?

503
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,879
Er... yeah, she's here somewhere.

504
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,519
Can I take your coat?

505
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,799
I hope you've told each other
how many sexual partners you've had.

506
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,559
We're still on what bands we like.

507
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,159
Have you seen Chloe?

508
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,039
The woman you had intercourse with?
Yes.

509
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,599
She's around here somewhere.
Oh, I've brought your bag.

510
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,119
You left it at the caff the other day.
Right.

511
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:14,119
If you're embarrassed, I'll start.
I have had two sexual partners.

512
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,119
Hello, you.

513
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,799
Chloe! You haven't spoken
to Anna yet, have you?

514
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:24,519
Er - no...

515
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,919
Oh, brilliant!

516
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,159
Can we go?

517
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,319
Erm... I think your friend Rob's
just about to make a speech.

518
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,479
Excuse me, everyone...

519
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,599
Eyes front, please. Hello...

520
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:38,599
I just want to say thanks to Jake
for organising all of this for us.

521
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,199
For getting everyone together at
such short notice - but most of all,

522
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,759
for getting all this booze in.

523
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,759
If I can just erm...
take over, bunny.

524
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:53,759
Erm... Of all Rob's friends, Jake
has been our staunchest supporter,

525
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:58,079
and it's nothing short of a
major tragedy that he'll once again

526
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,799
be doing his valuable ice core
research at the North Pole...

527
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,559
when we finally apply the legal cement

528
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,039
to the bricks of our love...

529
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,999
I'll just go and get my coat
and then we'll go.

530
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,799
You'll miss the speech.
I really need to go.

531
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,359
The Victoria and Albert Museum.

532
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:18,359
I know some of you might think
Inag Rob, and try and change him...

533
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,599
but... but Rob wants to be changed.
Don't you, bunny?

534
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:27,959
'Oh, dear me. And surprisingly,
that's the end of the speech...

535
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,599
'and a very real danger now
of Anna and Chloe... mingling.'

536
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,159
I don't...
He's not my friend...

537
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,679
'And there it is - the nightmare
scenario has become flesh,

538
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,479
'matter has met antimatter...

539
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,079
'and a black hole
surely now awaits Pete

540
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,039
'in that rather nice
open-plan living area.'

541
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,039
Shall we er...

542
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,519
Pete? Is this true?

543
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,719
No... Is what true?

544
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,919
That you made up
that you care about the environment

545
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,479
just so you didn't have to
go on a stag weekend with Anna?

546
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:55,639
What's going on?

547
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,679
And you kept up the lie
just to go out with me?

548
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,359
Did Anna tell you this?
Yeah.

549
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,959
Well, she would - she's in love with me.

550
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,399
Oh, fuck off, Pete!

551
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,199
I knew you didn't care
about the environment.

552
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,759
Right from the moment
you flushed our loo.

553
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:11,359
I did a shit!

554
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,759
And I do care about the environment.
I'm passionate about it.

555
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,639
That's a lie and you know it.
She's telling the truth, isn't she?

556
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,359
Of course not!
I live and breathe the environment.

557
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:24,359
I've got the Ecologist magazine
in my bag. I'll show you now.

558
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:26,839
Where is it, Pete? Mm...?

559
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,159
Is your liver still in there?

560
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:34,039
'Oh, no! A catastrophic
turn of events for Pete.

561
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,079
'Aye, and that liver's got to be
well past its sell-by date, Colin.'

562
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,399
If you are a vegetarian...

563
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,399
what are you doing
with offal in your bag?!

564
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,399
Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it
to me, before I became a vegetarian.

565
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:48,599
What?!

566
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,719
I can't believe I've been...

567
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,359
Think you better leave, Pete.

568
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,559
Ooh, you're so manly, aren't you?
What?

569
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,479
Oh, go on, you may as tell 'em now.

570
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:57,639
What are you talking about?

571
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,399
Oh, come off it. Go on, tell 'em.

572
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,199
Tell me you caught me
doing a pissin a teapot

573
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,719
cos I didn't want to miss
the end of the Antiques Roadshow!

574
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:12,639
I've got literally no idea
what you're talking about.

575
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,479
All right.

576
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,839
Can I call you in a couple of days, Chloe?

577
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,719
'Well, a straight red card there
for the lad.

578
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,479
'I don't know about you, Terry,
but emotionally I am drained.'

579
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,159
Aye, it's been end-to-end stuff.
The favourite bit for me

580
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,759
was when he said, "I did a shit!"

581
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,039
You just can't plan stuff like that,
you know.

582
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,679
Well, a slightly coarse note
to end on, Terry, but thank you

583
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,879
for all your contributions tonight.
Pleasure.

584
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,199
Sadly, it's time to say goodbye from
West London. Join us again next week

585
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,199
when once again, Pete takes on life.

586
00:25:41,224 --> 00:25:46,524
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells