'Tonight, on Pete Versus Life,
'the socially inept would-be sports writer
'takes on a quite daunting array of top flight opponents.
'There's his best mate's fiancee, Anna,
'whose goal is never to have to use public transport again.
'Jen, the human rights lawyer who once threw a carton of natural yoghurt at Tony Blair.
'And his ex-flatmate, Jake - he likes the environment,
'but he also likes a laugh.
'Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.'
Welcome. I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
So, we find Pete in a theme bar. What do you think the theme is, Terry?
Well, the world's shittest pub by the looks of it, Colin.
On the plus side, it's full of young, pretty girls,
or, as we used to say back in the old days, "crumpet".
'Well, times have moved on. Let's just say "attractive young women".
'Although I believe the term "bitches" is now acceptable.
'Not on TV, Terry.'
Hi, guys. Hey!
Oh!
Oh, two.
Has anyone got any questions they want me to ask Cristiano Ronaldo?
It's all set for tomorrow.
The interview's happening? Brilliant!
Yeah, basically...
Excuse me, Pete, but we were having a conversation before you arrived.
Oh, sorry.
Unless you think football is more important than our wedding?
No, your wedding's great.
Thanks. So I was just telling Ollie about the place settings...
every table's going to be named after a different college at Oxford,
cos that was such an important part of my life.
That's a really good idea.
There'll be Brasenose, Pembroke, Jesus, Oriel, Trinity...
She's mentioned this table place settings idea before, hasn't she?
Yeah, on the 4th of March and the 12th of March.
It's also the 114th time she's crowbarred in the fact that she went to Oxford.
Astonishing to think she was only there for two terms.
And of course the last time they met,
Pete had to sit through 45 minutes on canapes...
That's right... and an hour a half
on the special vows she's written for Rob to say,
which left very little time for Pete's topics.
There's so much here for Pete to dislike
and that's before we get to the fact that since the engagement,
she's taken to calling Rob...
Bunny! Bunny. Bunny. Bunny. Bunny.
Bunny!
Balliol...
Oh. Work.
Hiya.
Everyone still happy with Amsterdam for the stag weekend?
I'll be perfectly happy just to look at prostitutes in shop windows.
Well, what's the point of that?
You get to look at them, but because they're behind glass they can't get you.
Fantastic news, Bunny!
Sally can cover for me at work - I can come to Amsterdam on the stag weekend!
Oh, that's brilliant!
We decided if I could swing it, then I should come,
because we're not only lovers but also...
best friends.
Yeah... well, th-that is brilliant.
We can hire bicycles, go to the Van Gogh Museum...
It's going to be a scream! 'So, Pete under pressure.
'What's he got in his locker?'
Oh, my God! We can visit Anne Frank's house.
Oh, I can't come.
What? Why not?
Uh...
Because of global warming.
What?
Short haul flights are an environmental crime.
But I thought it was your idea to go to Amsterdam?
Yeah, I know, but I've had time to think about it and...
air travel results in 1.5 kilos of carbon dioxide
being emitted into the Earth's atmosphere for every mile flown,
and that is unacceptable.
But you've... you've got to come, mate. It's... it's my stag weekend.
Yeah, I know but... it's your children's future.
Just going for a wee.
Hi, I'm Chloe. Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying,
and I think it's fantastic that you're not going on your friend's
stag weekend for the sake of the environment.
It's just something I'm really passionate about.
In fact, that's mine there, left it there earlier.
Oh, for me the environment is like a religion.
Me too.
Really like it.
Well, Terry, it looks like they wasted no time at all.
There's no other way to put this - they are in the foreplay stages
of the act of love-making.
And look at Pete's face!
She's got her hand on his old man.
What a great feeling that is, eh, Colin?
Oh, yeah, one of the best.
Getting the hand wrapped round the old bald-headed giggle stick. It's always a magic moment.
I remember back in '85, I was walking out with a young Anthea Turner...
Have to stop you there, Terry. Looks like Pete is going downstairs. Yes!
He's off the fairway and into the rough.
Aye, yodelling in the canyon. It's not something you'd expect from Pete,
not something he's overly fond of, but fair play to the lad,
he's pulling out all the bells and whistles on this one.
'So, let's take a closer look at the action. Well, he's resurfaced.
'Looks like they're going togo for it - oh, and they're off!
'Yeah, and very quickly into a nice rhythm.'
Oh, Pete.
'Listen to Chloe, making some very encouraging noises.
'Well, he's acquitted himself very well so far, but now
'is the crucial phase, this is where discipline really comes in.
'Oh, and there's the first indication
'he may be reaching the finishing line sooner than he'd hoped.
'Come on, Peter, keep it going.
'Aye, she's a very beautiful girl.
'It's probably the most erotic experience of Pete's life so far.
'It's not looking too good, is it?
'Come on, Pete, hang in there. Oh, that's brilliant.
'He's thinking of Wayne Rooney. That's bought him some valuable time.
'Yeah, not much chance of a dishonourable discharge when you're thinking of Wayne.
'Oh, but this is surely trickier ground. Metrosexual icon,
'David Beckham.
'It is trickier, Colin, but, you know, I reckon he can hold on.
'Come on, Pete, keep it going. Oh, no! It's Kate Humble from Springwatch!
'Surely it's only a matter of seconds now.
'And, yes... It's all over, there it is.
'The ball very much in the back of the net.
'Very disappointing end there, but, you know, not a bad performance.
'What you've got to remember here is, Colin,
'it's the first time the lad's played in over a year.'
Well, I've just got some times in and...
two minutes 43 for the last phase there, and looking at these stats,
that's actually one of the longest times he's managed on a first outing.
Is he maturing?
No, he had a crafty one off the wrist this morning.
'She lies there like a young Audrey Hepburn,
'but what's wrong with Pete's face?
'Well, for the first time since he were about nine-year-old, he's genuinely happy.'
Morning. Morning.
Peter, have you been eating my Weetabix again?
Kurt?!
Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise you were here with a young lady.
Hello.
I trust you've been practising safe sex?
Get out!
It's very important we talk about this.
In my country, HIV-related illnesses are reaching epidemic levels.
Oh, we did use a condom. No, don't answer him.
I'm pleased to hear it. What about my Weetabix?
Haven't touched your Weetabix.
Who else has eaten them? The landlady? Her body cannot tolerate fibre.
I'll get you some new Weetabix, even though I haven't touched 'em. Get out!
Nice to meet you, eh?
And you.
Have you been taking his Weetabix?
Well, yeah.
He says Weetabix, but really they're only Tesco's own brand.
Interesting fact about Pete's flatmate, Kurt,
is back in Zimbabwe he once killed a crocodile.
Not many crocodiles for Kurt now as he's studying IT Science
at London Metropolitan University,
formerly, of course, Holloway Polytechnic.
That's right.
'Did you go to Polytechnic, Terry?
'No, I'm proud to say, Colin, I've got no qualifications whatsoever.
'Well done.' That looks heavy.
Well, it's full of cows' liver.
Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it to me. It's a Portuguese delicacy.
There she is. Lacks some of the vision and swagger of her famous grandson,
but can still pick 12 kilos of olives in an hour.
Oh, yeah, how did that go?
I got on great with the granny, but he left after one question.
What was the question?
"Why did that woman accuse you of sexual assault?"
Anyway, don't worry about that. What happened with that Chloe?
The problem is that she's nuts about the environment,
and sooner or later, she'll want to have a conversation about it.
I've managed to keep her distracted so far with sex.
That won't last very long.
Tell me about it.
Oh, in fact, I've got a couple of tickets for a conference.
That might help you out.
"The Arctic - let's stop it melting together."
She might like these actually. Where'd you get 'em from?
Jake. Jake?
What's he doing back?
He's one of the speakers at the conference.
'Well, Jake is, I hesitate to use the phrase, "Pete's nemesis",
'because there are so many enemy figures in Pete's life,
'but he's not overly fond of Jake.
'And for all the reasons everyone else likes him...
'he's good-looking, he makes people laugh,
'and he's good in unstructured conversation.
'Plus, of course, when they were students, Jake witnessed this.
'Pete was watching the Antiques Roadshow,
'didn't want to miss the valuation on a hand-painted Regency vase,
'needed to wee, and took the bold step of relieving himself into the teapot.'
All right, Pete? I wasn't doing anything.
Hi, Pete.
Last night, all that stuff about the environment,
that was all bollocks, wasn't it?
You don't want to go to Amsterdam because Anna's coming.
No! No, you've got that all wrong, mate.
No, rubbish, cos you flew to Rome for the Champion's League Final in May.
I do like Anna... Sort of.
Why are you marrying her?
Oh, shut up, Pete.
I love her, I suppose. She's... she's the wind beneath my wings.
I bet she said that.
Yeah, yeah, she did actually. But it's fair enough.
You're too young to get married, Rob. Especially to someone like her.
Oh, just ignore him, Rob.
It's not as if he'll tell her, is it?
No. No, of course not.
Anyway, I'd better get going. We're going out for the day!
Anywhere nice? Ikea.
See ya.
You do know he'll tell Anna all of that the minute he sees her.
He's not, he said.
Couples like that tell each other everything.
You think so?
Of course, and you of all people don't want to piss Anna off.
Her brother's just got a job with ITV Sport. She might be able to put in a good word.
I jump through hoops for no man. People take me as they find me.
That'd be fine if you weren't a wanker.
I'm not a wanker.
Maybe a little bit.
Well, looks like Pete's second date with Chloe is Sunday lunch
at her mum and dad's house. Surely an error?
It's way too early, Colin.
Pete's relationships never seem to last too long once he's met the parents.
Let's take a look at the past form here.
As we can see, the longest one was Julie, which continued
for a very painful six days after he told her mum
he hates The Inspector Lynley Mysteries.
Julie's mum, not only a huge fan of Inspector Lynley,
but also of the Midsomer Murders.
Well, he's been in the house just over an hour now.
He's going in for the meal proper. Let's see how he gets on.
You have a lovely home.
Thank you.
It must be worth, what? 1.1, 1.2 million?
I don't know. It's just our family home.
Um, Pete, I couldn't help hearing you flushed the loo,
and I did say in this house we only flush after number twos.
It's just one of the ways we try to do our bit to help save the planet.
Oh, yeah, well I did do a number two, actually, so...
Oh.
'Had he done a number two, Terry? 'No, Colin,
'and when Jen goes into the loo later and finds the seat up,
'she'll see it was pure hyperbole. 'Thanks, Terry.'
We're all very big on the environment here.
Like me.
Oh, Pete's given me tickets to a conference on protecting the Arctic ice field.
Birthday treat.
We could think up ways to stop the Arctic melting.
That sounds wonderful. Will you be joining us, Pete?
I'd love to, but I'm going to see Tottenham at West Ham.
Oh.
Pete has to go for his job.
He's a sports writer.
Oh, that sounds interesting. How's that going?
Really well. The work's really coming in now.
You make a living from it?
That's right. Although if I'm a little bit short,
University College Hospital are always looking for test subjects.
I once got two grand for having my heart stopped.
They started it again though.
Jen used to play netball for England.
Ah! Sorry, who's Jen?
My mum.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, we just think calling parents Mum and Dad, you know, it sets up barriers.
Sometimes though that can be a good thing, which you'd know if you ever met my parents.
Cos they're fucking mental!
No, they're not really, no, they're great.
Noreen and, er...
Can't remember his name now.
You can't remember your own father's name?
No, it's completely gone.
Right. Well, I hope you like vegetarian food.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, are you a vegetarian?
No.
Obviously, I agree with it all,
I mean killing animals is cruel, wrong, isn't it?
You still eat meat though. That's right.
Seems you haven't given the issue of vegetarianism a great deal of thought, Pete.
Mike. Sorry, who's Mike?
My dad.
Well, actually, Mike, I have given it a great deal of thought.
Well, then it sounds like you haven't reached any firm conclusions.
Yeah, I have.
I've just reached two conclusions.
Well, eating meat is completely ethically, morally wrong...
but at the same time it is delicious.
And it's also a great source of nutrients and vitamins.
Ah, yes, but so is tofu. Yeah, but tofu's horrible.
This is tofu.
Shall we talk about something else?
'So, meeting the parents puts the mockers on another perfectly
'viable relationship, albeit one built on lies.
'Those who do not learn the lessons of history
'are condemned to repeat them.
'Nicely put, Col.' Frank!
Oh. What?
That's my dad's name.
Welcome back.
And it's no wonder Pete is looking pale and waxy.
He's just spent a penny shy of 40 on a lady's scarf.
Yeah, it's for Chloe's mum's birthday.
Well, at 40, it's a good 20 more
than he's ever spent on his own mother.
Look at these stats.
I think particularly bad is 2006,
when his father gave him the money
to buy his mother a present,
and all he bought her was a mug tree.
'Oh, my word, it's Anna! What's he going to do?
'Oh - I did not expect that. He's hidden inside the child's taxi!
Well, the lad's just panicked there. If he'd have thought
he could have ducked into the Upper Crust sandwich shop,
looked at a suit in Suits You...
I would have gone into BHS, they do a very nice cod and chips.
Oi. Get out. My boy wants a go.
In a minute...
You're too big for it, mate.
What's going on? Pete...?
Oh, hello, Anna.
All yours, mate.
You were hiding from me, weren't you?
No! I just wanted to go in the taxi.
You were hiding from me because you hate me.
Don't know where you're getting all that from, Anna.
From Rob. Oh...
I can't believe you made up all that stuff about the environment
just to get out of spending two days with me.
And what's worse is you're going out with that lovely girl from the bar
who thinks you believe all that stuff.
I know. It's awful, isn't it?
Well, I'm going to tell her. What?!
I think she deserves to know exactly who she's involved with.
No, don't do that, I'm sorry. And now I've had a chance to think
and I've realised that... I actually really like you.
Oh, shut up!
No, it's true, that's why I bought you this.
This is for me?
Yeah, of course.
I love it!
It's exactly my sort of thing...
only people think, "It's too middle-aged..."
No, I thought,"That is Anna."
Oh...
Thanks, Pete.
Why don't we just put this whole thing behind us and just be friends?
Come here... Mm?
Come here! Ahhh...
Of course we can be friends.
Great...
Hasn't your brother just started working at ITV Sport?
Oh, my God! Of course. You're a sports journalist.
I'll have to see if I can get you two together.
Shall we get a coffee and talk about it?
Oh, no! I can't.
Shit.
But - I'll call him and I'll keep you in the loop.
Great. Thanks, Anna.
I'm so glad we had this chat.
Yeah.
Three? OK.
Ciao, bunny!
'Nice work from Pete there, but that still leaves him
'with the problem of buying another present for Chloe's mum.
'And I very much doubt he's going to shell out another 40 quid, Colin.
'Well, the blue carrier bag doesn't look promising...
'but whatever's in there, he's forgoing Tottenham - West Ham
'to give it to Jen, and all to get into Chloe's good books.
'Thought you were going to say get into her knickers.
'No, "good books", Terry.'
Hi, Chloe.
Pete. I didn't think you could come to this.
Oh, it's only a football match, and... I missed you.
Oh. And, I've got your mum a birthday present.
Oh, Pete...
Oh. Hello, Peter.
Happy birthday - Jen.
Thank you. I got you something.
Here we are.
Oh. How intriguing!
It's something that every woman as beautiful as you... should own.
Peter...
Ooh. It's like a little... gadget. What is it, Pete?
It's a rape alarm.
Why would you buy me a rape alarm?
Have you got one already? No, but... why would you buy it?
Well, because you're an attractive woman - and...
people are going to want to, you know...
Erm, I-I'm going to get some more coffee. Would you like...
Oh, my God - I haven't been insensitive, have I?
You haven't been raped, have you? No!
Oh, thank God, I thought I'd put my foot in it.
Oh - someone's raping Jen! You must have gripped it too hard.
I can't find the off switch. But they probably make it tricky so rapists can't find it.
Can I see the instructions?
There you are.
Jake... Pete.
Er... good to see you.
Oh. Here's your rape alarm.
Thank you.
I'm Jake, by the way. I'm a friend of Pete's from uni.
I'm Jen,
this is my daughter, Chloe. Lovely to meet you.
Are you interested in the environment?
Oh, yes. I'm one of the speakers.
Really?
You didn't mention that, Pete. I forgot.
I'll be talking about my ice core research.
I'm just back from the North Pole.
The North Pole?!
Wow! That's where you can see global warming happening the most.
It's really melting.
Oh... I would love to go to the Arctic.
Well, if you're... ever up there, I'd love to give you the tour.
Yeah, we might do that. We might do that, yeah.
Oh... I didn't realise you were an item.
We are, yeah.
Yes, but it's very early days. Oh...
How's Charlotte? Pardon me?
Charlotte. Are you going to be seeing her when you're down?
Unfortunately we broke up. Nearly six months ago.
I'm only... just feeling ready to get back out there, you know.
I'm my own worst enemy - I-I just commit so much emotionally.
Oh!
I'm afraid there's only the chicken satay left.
No, thanks. We're vegetarian.
So am I. But you could have some, Pete.
Er, no.
After the other day, actually, I've decided to turn vegetarian too.
Ahh. Did you hear that, Jen?
Yes.
Well, I'd better be off. I'm on in five.
Ooh - but I'm having a party at my place for Rob and Anna tomorrow.
I hope you can... come.
Should be all right, yeah.
And it'd be great if you guys could too.
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
I'm a little bit old for that sort of thing.
Don't be silly, Jen. There'll be plenty of other 30-year-olds there.
Jake! You're incorrigible.
No, but Jen, I would love it if you could make it.
There'll be a whole mix of people. And some of the speakers here.
It'll be beard-tastic.
Well, in that case, we'd be delighted.
Great. I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Or as the Inuit would say - "Belish"!
'So, a kick in the proverbials for Pete,
'but on the plus side it looks like Anna's come through with the audition
'and it seems to have gone remarkably well.'
Fantastic! The way you just walked in and read stuff off autocue...
that's just one thing I could never do.
Oh, you were superb, Pete.
Oh, thanks, Anna. We should have a little chat.
Great. Do you mind if I just go to the loo first?
Sure. See you in a sec.
Well, I think you have unearthed me a diamond.
Ooh...!
Hello, Ollie, mate.
Went brilliantly.
Oh - it was great.
Yeah. No, he's a nice bloke.
But... you know how touchy-feely Anna is?
Well, she's really weird with her brother.
I mean, it makes you wonder what Rob's marrying into.
She's all over him. Like, kissing him on the lips,
sitting on his lap, holding hands.
It's really creepy. It's like...
some weird little incestuous relationship.
I wonder who goes on top?
Anna, probably. All right, mate, see ya.
So, is there anything else you'd like me to do?
Yes. I'd like you to get your things and go.
I thought you said you wanted a chat.
No. And next time you go to the loo,
you might want to turn your radio mic off.
Oh, my word! And in that instant all Pete's dreams have turned to dust.
Let's see it again from another angle...
Yeah, the whole body slumps there and look how dead his eyes go.
And by the way -neither you, nor people like you will ever
stop me expressing my feelings for my sister.
Nor mine for him.
'Well, a couple of hours have lapsed since Pete's broadcasting career
'imploded so spectacularly in the urinals at Studio B.
'Aye, possibly an all-time low for the lad.
'Or is it? I think Pete's just realised - possibly a bit late...
'that the two worlds of Anna and Chloe are about to collide
'in the not so far-off galaxy of Jake's party in Kensington.
'And hell hath no fury like a woman accused of incest.
'What a palaver!' I'm sorry...
'Look at him, Terry. His legs going like the clappers.
'Last time he ran that fast was after he yelled an abusive remark
'at them Leeds fans. 'Remember it well.'
Oh. Pete.
Hi.
Is Chloe here?
Er... yeah, she's here somewhere.
Can I take your coat?
I hope you've told each other how many sexual partners you've had.
We're still on what bands we like.
Have you seen Chloe?
The woman you had intercourse with? Yes.
She's around here somewhere. Oh, I've brought your bag.
You left it at the caff the other day. Right.
If you're embarrassed, I'll start. I have had two sexual partners.
Hello, you.
Chloe! You haven't spoken to Anna yet, have you?
Er - no...
Oh, brilliant!
Can we go?
Erm... I think your friend Rob's just about to make a speech.
Excuse me, everyone...
Eyes front, please. Hello...
I just want to say thanks to Jake for organising all of this for us.
For getting everyone together at such short notice - but most of all,
for getting all this booze in.
If I can just erm... take over, bunny.
Erm... Of all Rob's friends, Jake has been our staunchest supporter,
and it's nothing short of a major tragedy that he'll once again
be doing his valuable ice core research at the North Pole...
when we finally apply the legal cement
to the bricks of our love...
I'll just go and get my coat and then we'll go.
You'll miss the speech. I really need to go.
The Victoria and Albert Museum.
I know some of you might think Inag Rob, and try and change him...
but... but Rob wants to be changed. Don't you, bunny?
'Oh, dear me. And surprisingly, that's the end of the speech...
'and a very real danger now of Anna and Chloe... mingling.'
I don't... He's not my friend...
'And there it is - the nightmare scenario has become flesh,
'matter has met antimatter...
'and a black hole surely now awaits Pete
'in that rather nice open-plan living area.'
Shall we er...
Pete? Is this true?
No... Is what true?
That you made up that you care about the environment
just so you didn't have to go on a stag weekend with Anna?
What's going on?
And you kept up the lie just to go out with me?
Did Anna tell you this? Yeah.
Well, she would - she's in love with me.
Oh, fuck off, Pete!
I knew you didn't care about the environment.
Right from the moment you flushed our loo.
I did a shit!
And I do care about the environment. I'm passionate about it.
That's a lie and you know it. She's telling the truth, isn't she?
Of course not! I live and breathe the environment.
I've got the Ecologist magazine in my bag. I'll show you now.
Where is it, Pete? Mm...?
Is your liver still in there?
'Oh, no! A catastrophic turn of events for Pete.
'Aye, and that liver's got to be well past its sell-by date, Colin.'
If you are a vegetarian...
what are you doing with offal in your bag?!
Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it to me, before I became a vegetarian.
What?!
I can't believe I've been...
Think you better leave, Pete.
Ooh, you're so manly, aren't you? What?
Oh, go on, you may as tell 'em now.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come off it. Go on, tell 'em.
Tell me you caught me doing a pissin a teapot
cos I didn't want to miss the end of the Antiques Roadshow!
I've got literally no idea what you're talking about.
All right.
Can I call you in a couple of days, Chloe?
'Well, a straight red card there for the lad.
'I don't know about you, Terry, but emotionally I am drained.'
Aye, it's been end-to-end stuff. The favourite bit for me
was when he said, "I did a shit!"
You just can't plan stuff like that, you know.
Well, a slightly coarse note to end on, Terry, but thank you
for all your contributions tonight. Pleasure.
Sadly, it's time to say goodbye from West London. Join us again next week
when once again, Pete takes on life.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells