- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD... AAH!
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW,
I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL MYSELF.
"JENNA, AS YOU ARE NOW,
YOU COULD DISAPPEAR, AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. A FRIEND."
- GUYS LIKE MATTY DON'T GO FOR GIRLS LIKE US.
[bell rings]
- * I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU *
- FOR 2.8 WEEKS, MATTY COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF ME.
- * YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY BUT I LOVE YOU *
- HE WAS ON A JENNA BENDER.
AND ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT MY VAG-A-MATIC WAS SUFFERING
SOME SERIOUS ROAD BURN,
I WAS HIGH ON LIFE.
I WAS LIVING THOSE MAGICAL HIGH SCHOOL MOMENTS
I'D ONLY SEEN IN MOVIES,
AND LIKE MOST LEADING LADIES, I WANTED MORE.
NOT MORE BONING.
I WASN'T STARTING A LIFELONG BATTLE WITH SEX ADDICTION.
I JUST WANTED MORE... INTIMACY.
LIKE THE KIND I HAD WITH BRIAN PALERMO
WHEN WE PLAYED DOCTOR AS KIDS.
- AH, THERE'S A CRAMP. I GOT TO--
- SORRY.
SEVEN YEARS LATER, I WAS PLAYING FOR REAL
WITH A GUY I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT.
OH. CAN YOU MOVE? MY HEAD'S IN THE OVEN.
- YEAH. - MY CASUAL SUICIDE REFERENCE
COULD HAVE KILLED THE MOMENT,
BUT LUCKILY MATTY WAS PREOCCUPIED.
- OH, GOD.
OH, UH, SHOULD I WAIT?
- IT WAS TIME TO GET TO KNOW MATTY.
- OH.
- AND I HAD APPROXIMATELY TEN SECONDS.
- IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,
WHERE WOULD IT BE? - UH, I DON'T KNOW.
- HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
- 'BOUT 15.
- OKAY, SO IF YOU WERE ON DEATH ROW,
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT AS YOUR LAST MEAL?
- OH, BENIHANA'S. - ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR MOM?
- OKAY, NO MORE QUESTIONS. - OKAY.
- AWESOME!
[sighs]
WOW.
OH, HEY.
I USED TO COLLECT THESE LITTLE DUDES.
- TURNS OUT WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON.
KEEP IT.
SO AFTER BONDING OVER SEX
AND OUR SHARED LOVE OF REPTILES TRAINED IN MARTIAL ARTS
SPECIALIZING IN SABOTAGE,
I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF THIS MADE MATTY AND I A "WE,"
AND WERE WE GOING ABOUT THIS BACKWARDS?
FIRST THE SEX, THEN THE RELATIONSHIP?
OR WERE WE JUST MORE INTERESTING?
DO WE HAVE ANY PLANS--
DO YOU. DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
- I'LL, UH, PROBABLY SWING BY LISSA'S PARTY FRIDAY.
- OH.
I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE "WE."
YOU KNOW, POWER OF SUGGESTION.
- YOU SHOULD COME.
- OKAY, SO I GUESS "WE" WEREN'T THE TYPE WHO KISSED GOOD-BYE.
OR MAYBE WE WERE.
- * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
[typing on keyboard]
[loud thud]
- IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY TONIGHT,
RICKY SCHWARTZ IS HAVING PEEPS OVER FOR STRIP JENGA.
- UM, MATTY INVITED ME TO A PARTY.
- GET OUT OF THE CITY!
- MATTY'S ACTUAL WORDS, "YOU SHOULD COME."
DOES THAT COUNT AS AN INVITE?
- HE PARKED HIS PINK CADILLAC DOWN YOUR SIDE STREET.
OF COURSE IT COUNTS.
HE'S TAKING YOU PUBLIC, OUTING YOU AS A COUPLE.
- TAMARA THOUGHT MATTY AND I WERE A "WE."
SO IT'S A DATE?
- DATES ARE SO OLD TESTAMENT.
YOU JUST SHOW UP AT THE PARTY.
AND BRING ME.
- WELL, TOO BAD IT'S BEING THROWN
BY QUEEN OF THE VIRGIN PARADE.
- JOIN THE ABSTINENCE CLUB. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- TIA.
IT MEANS THIS IS AWKWARD.
- ABSTINENCE ISN'T EASY, AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
- GUESS YOU CAN'T BE IN THAT CLUB.
BUT YOU CAN STILL GO TO HER PARTY.
- IT'S PENCILED IN.
KEEPING MATTY AND I'S RELATIONSHIP OFF THE GRID
SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR US.
- HEY, STOP.
DON'T TOUCH ME THERE.
THAT, SIR, IS MY NO-NO SQUARE.
- GIRLFRIEND'S ON THE HYMEN SQUAD.
- YEAH. LISSA'S GIVEN ME SO MANY RUB AND TUGS,
I GOT NO SKIN LEFT DOWN THERE.
- I BLAME GOD.
- YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS, MAN?
IT'S OUR THREE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY TONIGHT,
SO I'M PROBABLY DUE ANOTHER HANDIE.
- OR LISSA'S CASE, A SANDIE. - HUH?
- HANDIE SO ROUGH, IT'S LIKE SANDPAPER.
- WE HAVE TO GO TO LISSA'S.
THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO SKIP NINE,
MAYBE TEN RUNGS ON THE SOCIAL LADDER.
- IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A BIG PARTY,
AND NO ONE'LL EVEN NOTICE WE'RE THERE.
- DOESN'T MATTER.
A PERSON'S POPULARITY IS DIRECTLY RELATED
TO THE NUMBER OF RED CUP PICS THEY HAVE POSTED ONLINE.
PHOTOSHOPPING MY WAY TO THE A-LIST
WAS A BIG FAIL MARY.
TO SIMULATE GANGE SMOKE, I LIT A FIRE IN MY TRASH CAN,
AND MY HAIR CAUGHT ON FIRE.
LUCKILY, I WAS WEARING MY JESSICA SIMPS BUMP-UP PONY,
SO I JUST RIPPED THAT [bleep] OUT.
- S-T-O-P.
KEEP YOUR THING AWAY FROM ME.
- WHERE'S YOUR PURITY RING? HANGING FROM YOUR NIPPLE?
- I'M JUST USING THE GIFTS GOD GAVE ME.
- I HOPE YOU'RE USING THE PARTY PLANNING GIFTS HE GAVE YOU,
BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATED
WITH SOME LAME-ASS SHINDY.
ESPECIALLY WHEN TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
I'M HOOKING UP WITH MATTY.
- MY PARTY IS GOING TO ROCK YOUR FACE OFF.
AND IT'S PERFECT TIMING.
IT'S MINE AND JAKE'S THREE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT?
- IT'S OUR PAPER ANNIVERSARY?
- MORE LIKE A LATEX ANNIVERSARY.
'CAUSE IT'S THE DEADLINE FOR SEX.
IF YOU DON'T DO HIM, YOU'LL LOSE HIM.
OH, AND DO NOT HEAT UP THE HOT TUB.
I CAN'T HAVE IT GOING DOWN WITH MATTY
IN SOME NASTY CESSPOOL.
- KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TONIGHT.
I WAS HAVING SOME SERIOUS PARTY JITTERS.
MY OUTFIT SAID YES, BUT MY GUT SAID STAY THE HELL HOME.
MAYBE IT WAS A SIGN THAT MATTY NEEDED ROOM TO MISS ME.
I JUST DECIDED WE'RE NOT GOING.
- IF WE DON'T GO, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN.
AND BY "TERRORISTS" I MEAN SADIE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER SHOWED THIS TO ME.
BITCH DEFINITELY WROTE THE LETTER.
- WHY WOULD SHE BOTHER?
- ONE, SHE HATES YOU,
TWO, SHE SEXTED YOUR BILLABONGS TO THE TRI-SCHOOL AREA,
AND, THREE, SHE HAS A THING FOR MATTY,
AND PROBABLY SUSPECTS YOU DO TOO.
YOU CANNOT SHOW FEAR.
YOU HAVE TO SHOW HER YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP.
- OR I DON'T GO, AND I DON'T SHOW ANYTHING.
- LAUNDRY.
UM, ARE YOU WEARING EYELINER?
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
- SHE GOT INVITED TO AN IN-CROWD PARTY,
BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.
- OH, YOU'RE GOING, AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN WEAR.
NOTHING IN YOUR CLOSET. BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHAT IF YOU INVITED MATTY TO A PARTY AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP?
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?
- WELL, I'D BE BUMMED.
- GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. THEY'RE SENSITIVE.
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE CIRCUMCISED.
MATTY JUNIOR WEAR A HELMET?
- HOW WOULD I KNOW? - OH, YOU'D KNOW.
both: NO.
- OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WANT MATTY TO FEEL BAD,
SO, I DON'T KNOW, SHOULD I ASK HIM TO WALK ME IN,
OR DOES THAT MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A PUSSY?
- NO, YOU AND MATTY HAVE A THING.
- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF THING,
BUT I WAS HOPING THE PARTY WOULD CLEAR THAT UP.
both: NO.
- OKAY.
- BIG UPS ON THE CONTENT, BUT I'M NOT SOLD ON THE SIGN OFF.
- YEAH. I TRIED AN EXCLAIM, BUT IT MADE ME SEEM TOO EXCITED,
AND NOW I'M WORRIED THE DOT DOT DOT IS TOO WHOREY.
- AGREED. THE ELLIPSES ARE THE SLUTS OF PUNCTUATION.
GO WITH A DASH.
both: NO.
- I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT
FROM THAT NIGHT.
KEEP IN MIND, IT WAS MY VERY FIRST PARTY,
AND I WAS WASTED.
AND I WAS ALONE WITH MAYBE SEVEN GUYS,
AND THEY WERE WASTED...
- OKAY. IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET NOSTALGIC OVER YOUR FIRST ORGY,
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
- SURPRISINGLY, NO.
BUT I NEVER DID FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PANTIES.
- OKAY, UM...
HE HASN'T TEXTED ME BACK.
HOW DO I KNOW IF HE'S INSIDE? OR SHOULD I WAIT OUT HERE?
- WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? - MATTY McKIBBEN.
- [gasps] ARE YOU AND MATTY TOGETHER?
- APPARENTLY THIS WAS A BURNING QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND.
IF ONLY I COULD ANSWER IT.
CAN WE GO AROUND THE BLOCK AGAIN?
- NO MORE LAPS. MM-MM.
THE BEER IS FOR THE KIDS.
FINNISH VODKA IS FOR LISSA'S MOM.
SHE IS A BIG BOOZER,
AND NO DOUBT DRANK EVERY OUNCE OF HOOCH IN THAT HOUSE.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. WHAT IS THE GOLDEN RULE?
both: BEER BEFORE LIQUOR, NEVER SICKER.
LIQUOR BEFORE BEER, IN THE CLEAR.
- YAY! HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
MWAH.
- PROMISE ME IF IT'S WEIRD AT ALL
THAT WE WILL JUST LEAVE, OKAY?
- LIKE YOU SAID, NO ONE'LL EVEN NOTICE US.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A RAGER.
THERE'S PROBABLY FIVE MILLION PEOPLE IN HERE.
- THAT'S TRUE, I GUESS.
HI.
- OR WE JUST CRASHED A GET-TOGETHER.
- TIA.
- UH, THE FINNISH VODKA'S FOR YOUR MOM,
AND THE BEER IS... THAT'S FOR US.
- OH, MY MOM'LL BE SO STOKED.
HER BATHROOM MINI FRIDGE IS TOTALLY EMPTY.
- WHO...THE [bleep]...
INVITED...YOU?
- I DID.
- MATTY AND I WERE A "WE."
- BETTER HIDE THE KNIVES.
- SAY "SADIE!"
- GET OUT OF MY FACE, WANNABE.
[dog barking]
LISSA, I TOLD YOU TO LOCK UP THAT STUPID MUTT!
- SPRINKLES, BE QUIET!
- SO THERE WE WERE, OUT IN PUBLIC,
FOR THE WHOLE... SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE TO SEE.
I WONDERED HOW HE'D INTRODUCE ME.
- HEY.
- AS HIS GIRLFRIEND, HIS DATE, HIS LOVER...
- DRINKS AND STUFF ARE OVER HERE.
- I WOULD HAVE SETTLED FOR "JENNA."
- WELL, YOU KNOW EVERYBODY.
- YO, MATTY.
- I KNOW ALMOST NO ONE.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW? - BLEND IN.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO BLEND INTO.
- MATTY INVITED YOU HERE.
IT'S YOUR TURN TO MAKE THE NEXT MOVE.
BUT FIRST, PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE CROSS-FADED.
CIGARETTE BUTTS.
- HOW'S IT GOING? - GOOD.
YEAH, GOOD.
PRETTY GOOD.
OKAY, ACTUALLY, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.
- OH, IT'S WAY WEIRD. - YES.
LISTEN, I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW
THIS WAS GONNA BE A KICKBACK.
- I FIGURED. - YEAH.
- OH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT'S THE BENEFIT TO HAVING A SMALLER PARTY
VERSUS A, UM, STANDARD RAGER?
- WELL, NO ONE'S GONNA CALL THE COPS,
AND THEIR HOUSE WON'T GET TRASHED.
AND THERE'S A LOT MORE BOOZE TO GO AROUND, SO...
- IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU OUT, JENNA.
IS THIS YOUR FIRST PARTY SINCE THE ACCIDENT?
- EVERYBODY SMIZE.
SMILE WITH YOUR EYES.
- IF OUR BODY LANGUAGE
WAS ANALYZED BY THE EXPERTS AT US WEEKLY,
THEY WOULD HAVE SAID WE WERE ON THE OUTS.
- MATTY, I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THE KEG.
- RIGHT. UH, TALK LATER?
- MM-HMM.
- HEY, DID YOU GET LOWLIGHTS?
- AND HIGHLIGHTS.
THEN I GOT COMPLETELY NECK-2-T LASERED.
- DID IT HURT?
- I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT.
THEN AGAIN, I ALWAYS TAKE, LIKE,
THREE ZANNIES.
- OH, MY GOD. IS THAT SAFE?
- THEY'RE DRIVING ZANNIES.
- CUPS UP, LADIES.
BY THE WAY, I'M TAMARA.
IT'S SPELLED "TAM-ARA," BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "TA-MARA."
LIKE, IF YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILS,
YOU BETTER PLAN "B" IT "TA-MARA."
- WOW. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN A GIRL EAT
AT ONE OF THESE KICKBACKS.
- YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING ABOUT AS MUCH FUN AS I AM.
- I'M A LITTLE STRESSED. IT'S MY ANNIVERSARY.
- WELL, IT MAKES SENSE. A YEAR'S A LONG TIME.
- IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS.
- WHA--
LISS. PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
- WHAT PEOPLE? - OKAY.
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- I HAD TO TAKE A LEAK.
- OH. WELL, COME CHECK THIS OUT.
LISSA'S DAD GOT AN ELECTRIC EEL,
AND WHEN YOU TAP THE GLASS, IT GETS SUPER PISSED,
AND SHOCKS THE CRAP OUT OF THE ANGEL FISH.
- SADIE, LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT IT A LITTLE LATER, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
- DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME
UNTIL YOU KICK THAT SLUT-HOLE OUT OF YOUR PARTY.
- WHY?
[gasps] DID MATTY JUST BLOW YOU OFF?
- NO, I ASKED HIM TO GET ME A BEER.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, DRUNK FU?
- YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT JAKE.
HE IS PULLING AWAY. I HAVE TO STEP IT UP.
BUT I CAN'T HAVE SEX-SEX,
SO WHAT CAN I DO WITHOUT BREAKING MY VOW?
- WELL, THERE IS A LOOPHOLE.
- REALLY?
- GOD HAS A BLIND SPOT.
- HI. - HI.
- SO I WAS THINKING, YOU REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY
WHEN WE WERE AT YOUR HOUSE, AND WE WERE TALKING--
WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?
- SO THERE WE WERE, NOT SPEAKING.
I DESPERATELY WANTED HIM TO SAY SOMETHING.
ANYTHING.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS STUCK ON MUTE.
24 HOURS AGO, MATTY WAS TAKING MY TEMP
WITH HIS ALL-BEEF THERMOMETER,
AND NOW HE COULDN'T EVEN ASK ME
HOW MUCH FOAM I WANTED.
- OH, OH. THAT'S--THAT'S PLENTY.
MAYBE HE WAS JUST SHY.
I MEAN, I'D NEVER BEEN OUT WITH HIM BEFORE.
FOR ALL I KNOW, HE HAD SOCIAL ANXIETY.
- WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT TUB ACTION?
[all cheer] - WHOO!
- SO MY SHY THEORY WAS A TAD OFF.
- WHOO!
- I TOLD YOU NO HOT TUB.
- I NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO GET IN A BIKINI
SO I COULD LURE JAKE INTO MY ROOM.
BUT DON'T WORRY. I KNOW YOU DON'T DO SWIMSUITS,
SO I BROUGHT YOU ONE OF MY DAD'S SHIRTS.
WHERE'S JAKE?
- LOSE THE CLOTHES, BEER WENCH.
WE'RE GOING IN.
- I THINK I'LL PASS.
- I ONLY MISSED THE CONCERT
'CAUSE I HAD TO GO TO MY PARENTS' DIVORCE PARTY.
BOO.
BUT GET ANOTHER DRINK IN ME
AND I CAN MAKE MUSIC IN YOUR PANTS.
- HELLO?
IT WAS A CAREER LOW.
I HAD RESORTED TO THE FAKE PHONE CALL.
OH, I'M JUST CHILLIN' AT THIS KICKBACK.
I WAS PUTTING UP WITH A BUNCH OF ASS-ICLES
JUST TO HANG WITH MATTY, WHO HAD BARELY ACKNOWLEDGED ME.
I GUESS THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING "WE"
I WAS HOPING FOR WASN'T THE "WE" THAT HE WANTED.
- OH, NO, KARAOKE SOUNDS AWESOME.
- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
- WHOA. UNH.
- [laughs] - JEEZ, LISS.
- IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS. - MM-HMM.
- AND I WANT TO REWARD YOU
FOR BEING SO PATIENT.
- OH. I DON'T NEED A REWARD.
WHOA.
- I CAN'T GIVE YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT...
- UH-HUH.
- BUT I CAN GIVE YOU...
MY BE-HYMEN!
JAKE, CAN YOU-- CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?
JAKE? JAKE?
[knock at door]
- JUST A SECOND.
- JENNA, ARE YOU PLAYING VIDEO GAMES?
- OKAY, LOOK, THIS CLEARLY WASN'T A REAL INVITE.
YOU HAVE ENOUGH PICTURES,
SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO?
- TWO SKANKS ARE ALL OVER MATTY,
BUT HE HIT THE IGNORE BUTTON.
PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S WAITING FOR SOME HAMILTON SOUP.
- REALLY?
[dramatic music]
TAMARA WAS RIGHT.
MATTY WASN'T RESPONSIVE.
EVEN THOUGH SLUTS-HER-FACE WAS PRACTICALLY DRY-HUMPING HIM.
- OW.
- I DID WANT TO GO IN.
AND WHAT DID I HAVE TO LOSE?
I HAD SOME VICTORIA'S SECRETS OF MY OWN.
- * I CAN FEEL THE SKY CRACKING IN MY HEART *
- I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS GOING OUT OF HIS WAY
TO ANSWER MY QUESTION,
BUT HE COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT ANY CLEARER.
MATTY AND I WEREN'T A "WE" AT ALL.
THERE WAS ONLY ME, AND...
ME WAS DEVASTATED.
- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FREAK?
- NOTHING.
- LOOKS LIKE MATTY INVITED A LOT OF PEOPLE.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A SOB FEST,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND PRACTICE THE BLOOD VIOLIN?
- YEAH. I'M SORRY.
- OH, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS INSIDE?
- NO. JUST BACK OFF, PLEASE?
- OKAY, I WANT TO GO, "T."
- BUT I NEED HER TO HOLD UP MY EXTENSIONS.
- ISN'T THIS AWESOME? OH!
IN A LITTLE WHILE, OKAY?
- IT'S A LITTLE SERENDIP...ITOUS THAT I'M GONNA VOMIT,
BECAUSE NOW I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT EATING ALL THOSE NACHOS.
- UH, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
CUP UP, KARLI.
ROMAN SHOWER, COMING THROUGH.
- SPRINKLES, COME HERE, B--
- HEY, MOM.
- IT'S ONLY 9:15.
OH, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP ALREADY.
- UM, NO, I WAS ACTUALLY, UM,
CALLING BECAUSE THE PARTY'S SO AWESOME, WE MIGHT BE A WHILE.
- HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- LEAVING.
HEY, YOU NEED A RIDE?
- PLEASE.
- ANYONE WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME?
ANYONE? RUNNING SOLO HERE.
- [laughs]
SO LISSA REFUSES TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,
BUT SHE'LL DO THAT? - YEP.
AND, UM, GET READY TO PISS YOUR PANTS,
BECAUSE SHE CALLED IT HER BE-HYMEN.
- OH, MY GOD. THAT'S GENIUS.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.
- I CAN'T EITHER, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.
- REALLY? WHY?
- IT MEANS YOU TRUST ME.
- YOU'RE EASY TO TALK TO.
- I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING.
- SO WHY DID YOU BAIL ON THE PARTY?
- 'CAUSE, UM...
IT SUCKED.
- YEAH, AGREED.
OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION THE PART OF THE STORY
WHERE I COMPLETELY BOLTED.
I MEAN, DOES THAT MAKE ME AN ASS?
- JUST ASS-OPHOBIC.
[cell phone beeps]
- LOOK, I MEAN, I WANT TO DO IT.
YOU KNOW, I'M A GUY.
JUST UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
LIKE MAYBE AFTER WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER LONGER, AND...
DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?
- I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT.
NOT THAT I WANTED TO TAKE IT UP WITH KARDASHIAN.
BUT MAYBE MATTY AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING
UNTIL WE KNEW EACH OTHER BETTER.
- MAN. EVERYTHING ON THE RADIO'S REALLY DEPRESSING.
- I HAD BARELY SPENT ANY TIME WITH JAKE,
AND I ALREADY KNEW EXTREMELY INTIMATE STUFF ABOUT HIM.
WEIRD STUFF I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
- DO YOU HAVE TO BE HOME RIGHT AWAY?
- I HAVE A FEW HOURS TO KILL.
- OH, MY GOD. SOMEONE POOPED.
[all scream]
- WAIT.
DO YOU HEAR THOSE LYRICS? TURN IT UP.
- * DON'T COME KNOCKING ON MY BACK DOOR *
* SAYING DON'T COME KNOCKING ON MY BACK DOOR *
* SAYING ALL THOSE PRETTY WORDS *
* YOU SAID BEFORE *
MATTY AGAIN UNTIL WE D-T-R.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP.
- SO AM I GONNA SEE YOU AT THE BONFIRE TONIGHT?
- YOU PROMISED NOT TO HOOK UP AGAIN WITHOUT CLARITY.
- I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. - YOU BETTER GET IT SOON,
BEFORE YOU'RE DUMPSTER HUMPING WITHOUT A SAFETY NET.
- ARE WE TOGETHER?
- NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M WEARING GRANNY PANTIES.
- OH, THAT IS SO HOT.