My name is Warwick Davis.
I'm an actor.
I'm an agent.
I'm just gonna look at the diary.
And I used to be a lying, conniving,
selfish, little shit.
I was not a good person.
Hello. Dwarves For Hire. Warwick Davis speaking.
I used to exploit my clients.
- Breathe normally.
No, he's allergic to the paint.
It's toxic. Shouldn't be used on skin.
I used to steal all the best jobs for myself.
Sometimes I even stole acting work from right under their noses.
Do you remember when I came to you a few weeks ago
with the information they needed a new Doc in their production of "Snow White"?
Vaguely.
You said as my agent you'd call them.
- And I did.
Role was gone, yeah.
- Search me.
I did. I just found these in your bag.
I was petty and jealous.
Spending way too much time competing with my ex-wife's new boyfriend.
Can you stop letting down the tires of Ian's car, please, Warwick?
Warwick, I know it's you, so can you just come out now?
Hiya.
Were you letting down Ian's tires?
They were going down, yeah.
Was that because you were letting them down?
Yup.
Warwick: I did those things because I wasn't happy...
with my life, my job,
with who I was.
But I'm a changed man now because I'm happy
for the first time in my life.
And that is entirely down to Amy.
We've been living together for three months now
and it's great.
Amy is an amazing woman.
Toast would be great, thanks.
She always says that happiness is self-perpetuating.
So being happy makes you want to be kinder.
And being kind makes you happy.
And that makes you want to be kinder.
Amy taught me that.
All right, I'm off. See you later. Bye.
Warwick: I won't let them do it for that.
If you think you can get a better deal somewhere else, then good luck to you.
- Warwick, we need the money. - Shh. Don't worry.
- No, it's not fair. They need double that.
No, it's got to be 120.
Each, yes.
Well, have a think and give me a call back in two minutes
'cause they've other offers on the table.
All right, bye.
What other offers?
Well, there are no other offers, but he doesn't know that.
This is negotiating. I'm doing this for you.
- I really need this money. - So do I.
This'll probably be the only money I earn this month.
Exactly, and that's why you should be paid properly.
What is he doing?
Warwick.
Hello? Dwarves For Hire.
Yeah.
Right, okay. Bye.
120 quid each.
Yes! Yes!
Warwick: It must be karma or something
because I've had some exciting news.
Got a call completely out of the blue yesterday
from an old friend who wants to pop by and say hello.
You'll know him from "Top Gun," "Batman Forever."
I know him because we made a little cult movie together
called "Willow."
Mr. Val Kilmer is stopping by.
Is all this yours?
No, no, I just rent a unit here.
I had to downsize recently for efficiency.
- Yeah.
I've got a routine that I always do and it kills.
- Okay. - All right, just a sec.
Little surprise for you here, Cheryl.
Batman.
Yeah, but who is it?
Batman.
Right, but who's behind the mask?
It's not just any person.
It is a person, though.
It's not the real Batman. That's a comic.
Yeah, you're right.
But it's who's under the mask that's the surprise.
It's someone who played Batman in the films.
- The "Batman" films.
- Yeah.
Good, right. So who is it?
Christian Bale.
No, earlier than that.
- Michael Keaton. - No.
- I love George Clooney. - No, it's not George Clooney.
Oh, I wish it was George Clooney.
Well, it isn't. Who else played Batman?
Adam West?
How is it fucking Adam West? He's about 85.
- Guess again. - I've named all the Batmans.
No, you haven't. Who else is there?
Is it the cartoon version?
Don't even know what that means.
- Batman. - Oh, this is embarrassing.
Sorry about this, Val. Oh, I said his name.
So you got Val. Who is it?
Is it Michael Keaton?
Forget it. Take it off.
It's Val Kilmer.
Oh, and you're an actor?
You mentioned on the phone you had a proposition for me.
I'm in Los Angeles and I run into Ron Howard.
Oh, the director of "Willow."
Val: And we get to talking and he and I both agreed
it might be the right time to do a sequel to "Willow."
Okay.
At the risk of sounding self-centered here,
is there a place in it for me?
Warwick, you are Willow. We're not gonna do it without you.
And you've spoken to George Lucas?
Yes, everyone's in place.
Okay.
Wow. Sorry, I'm speechless.
I mean, it's something I've been hoping and praying for for such a long time.
Right, and it couldn't happen at a better time.
I've been watching all the hit movies.
"Lord of the Rings," "Harry Potter."
- The fantasy films. - Fantasy films.
- We started all that. - We started it all, right.
So why not get a piece of what we started?
How far down the road are you with this?
Well, I want to develop it as an independent picture
and present it as a complete package to the studios.
So if you come on now, I can get you on as a producer.
Now, I put in five grand already
to start with development costs and stuff.
So if you give me five grand
just to get things going while I'm here in London...
No. Not a problem at all.
No, no, no. And in fact,
I'm seeing my financial team today.
Oh. Right. What do you need?
I need to find £5,000.
Five grand? Just had a check through for you for five grand.
- Yeah. Oh, no, that's a bill.
That should be in the out tray.
- In tray. - In tray, yeah.
Just as well you're here. I'll tell you what,
if you were here all the time, I'd make half the mistakes I make.
Good. Right. I need to raise £5,000.
Okay, let's brainstorm.
- Have you seen "Dragon's Den"? - Yeah.
- Go on there. - I'm not going on there.
That's all I had.
Okay.
Actually, you might be on to something there.
Am I? That's a first.
Yeah, maybe I could get money from investors like they do on "Dragon's Den."
Yeah, there we are. Rent a hall or something.
Get along friends or family,
local businessmen, greengrocers, whatever.
Then do a presentation and beg for money.
- Yeah, yeah, this could work. - Doubt it.
Yeah, have you got anyone on your books you could get along?
- Yeah, I've got people who are looking to invest. - Great.
But as their accountant, I'd have to advise them not to invest in you.
- Because I'm your accountant.
So if I'm being a good accountant,
I'd have to advise them to not invest in you because of me.
But you're not a good accountant.
Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
I'll get some people along.
Warwick: I'm not one of those people
who thinks the world owes me a living.
It's tough out there. It's tough for me.
It's tough for all my clients.
So, you know, I'm not gonna sit here and wait for the phone to ring.
I'm gonna create work and look for new opportunities.
Warwick: Thanks for agreeing to meet me.
Before I tell you what it's all about,
can I ask you a question?
Les, are you involved in any particular projects at the moment?
What, TV
Book deals? Live work?
- Yeah. - No.
- Nope.
Shaun?
Well, I'm not getting offered book deals, live work or TV,
but I don't even feel like I'm not being offered films.
I've never been offered films.
I'm impressed Les thinks he's not being offered films.
I know producers who have told me my name
was mentioned in a meeting but then I wasn't offered the film.
What films weren't you offered?
Loads of films. I wasn't offered a certain
very famous Hugh Grant comedy.
"Four Weddings and a Funeral"?
- I can't say. - Jammy bastard.
Okay, well, so nothing for either of you, then?
- Nope.
I used to get offered all the work that Les turned down.
Since he's not offered anything...
Neither are you? Okay, yeah, I get it.
I blame your representation.
No, I don't. What agency is he with?
He isn't with an agency. He's a mini-cab driver.
But he keeps his eyes and ears open for me
and he says there's nothing around at the moment.
Shaun, do you have representation?
What do I need representation for?
I never get any fucking work.
Sure. Keith, representation?
What's representation?
Okay, then.
Warwick: A lot of younger people watching this
or foreigners, probably won't know who these chaps are.
In fact, most people watching this
probably won't know who they are.
But at one time they were big names on TV.
Les Dennis was a comedian and impressionist
who hosted one of our biggest game shows.
Shaun was an actor in our biggest soap opera.
And Keith, he mainly ran around a lot.
Individually, you're Z-list celebrities.
But I think three Z-list celebrities together
make up one D-list.
And I think people would pay to see a D-list.
- Team the three of you up.
Put together some kind of live show that we can take around
clubs, pubs, student unions, that sort of thing.
- I could sing, I suppose. - I could do "Family Fortunes."
Perfect. Keith, you could do "Cheggers Plays Pop."
- That was a TV show you used to do.
I don't remember.
That's when he was drinking.
- Well, you once did a show--
Yeah, "Cheggers Plays Pop."
You know they call you Cheggers?
Yeah, it's my nickname.
But my real name's Keith Chegwin.
Yeah, I know.
Do you remember the BBC once gave you
your own TV show called "Cheggers Plays Pop"?
I... yeah. Yeah, I do remember.
Yeah, they gave me my own show.
I went out for a few drinks to celebrate
and didn't stop drinking for 15 years.
Well, there we go.
You could do "Cheggers Plays Pop" onstage.
I could see how this might work, you know.
Definitely. You three are like--
you're like three legs of a stool.
Separately, you're of no use. No one wants you.
But together we've got something of worth.
United we stand, divided we fall.
- Exactly. - Safety in numbers.
- Yeah. - Two's company, three's a crowd.
- No, that doesn't apply here. - I'm just saying.
I've got you booking in a pub in three weeks
just to test the water. You all in?
- Yeah.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Great.
Warwick: Guys, I'll go in and sort everything. You stay in the car
'cause I don't want your fans seeing you before the show.
Probably sneak you in the back way.
That makes sense.
So what time are we going to arrive?
We're here.
Oh, excellent.
- We're closed.
Who wants to know?
I'm Warwick. I'm here with the All Star Funtime Roadshow.
- Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin-- - No, I cancelled that.
What do you mean you cancelled it?
Yeah, we tried to sell tickets
but we had to cancel it due to complete lack of interest.
Well, I didn't get that message. Did you call my office?
Yeah, I called last week. I spoke to some bird
called Shirley or Cheryl or something.
Oh, yeah, that explains it.
So you couldn't sell any tickets?
- No. - How much were you charging?
Well, started off at a tenner.
Not a sniff, so we dropped it down to five quid.
- Five quid and still nothing? - No.
Then we tried five quid with a free curry. Still nothing.
- How much is a curry normally? - It's normally seven quid.
They're gonna be devastated.
What if they played for free?
Would they play for free?
I could sort something. Would you let them play for free?
Well, how long do they play for?
- Short as possible.
All right, then. Deal.
Yeah, go on, deal. You're paying for this.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll pay them.
But, please, I don't want them to know I'm paying them.
- Suit yourself. - Okay, I'll get the gear out of the car, then.
Knock yourself out, mate.
Woman: Aw, look, it's a dwarf.
Warwick: Um, hello, everyone.
Welcome to the Prince of Wales here in beautiful Catford.
You are in for a treat tonight.
Who loves "Family Fortunes"?
Who remembers Keith Chegwin?
Yeah, so now please, ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for
the All Star Funtime Roadshow.
Shaun: Here we go.
♪ Guess who just got back today ♪
♪ Them wild-eyed boys that had been away ♪
♪ Haven't changed, haven't much to say ♪
♪ But, man, I still think them cats are crazy... ♪
- Here's Les Dennis. - ♪ They were asking if you were around ♪
♪ How you was, where you could be found ♪
♪ Told them you were living downtown ♪
♪ Driving all the old men crazy... ♪
- Cheggers! - ♪ The boys are back in town ♪
♪ The boys are back in town. ♪
I can't believe there's three of them.
- The boys are back! - Hey!
We're very excited to be here
because they say in our profession,
in the profession of showbiz, there are certain places
you only ever play twice in your career.
You'll play them once on your way up
and you'll play them once on your way back down again.
- So it's great to be back.
♪ Cheggers plays pop. ♪ Come on!
- ♪ Cheggers plays pop. ♪ - You got it.
♪ Cheggers plays pop. ♪ One more!
♪ Cheggers plays pop. ♪
All right, time for a musical guest.
Will you please welcome on stage Shaun Williamson?
Tonight, Keith, I'm going to sing
"I Believe" by Cher.
You're singing "I Believe,"
but you're dressed as if you were in the "Turn Back Time" video.
That's because I prefer the song "I Believe"
but the crowd deserved to see the ass.
Crowd: Oh!
Oh, don't do that.
As in all our questions, we surveyed 100 people.
So we're looking for things that people shout at me in the street.
We've already got "wanker." We're looking for four others.
Uh, knobhead.
You think knobhead? Let's have a look.
- Yes, it's answer number four.
♪ I'm your private dancer ♪
♪ A dancer for money ♪
♪ Do what you want me to do ♪
♪ I'm your private dancer ♪
♪ A dancer for money ♪
♪ Any old music will do ♪
♪ I'm your private dancer ♪
♪ I'm a dancer for money ♪
♪ I'll do what you want me to do ♪
♪ I'm your private dancer ♪
♪ A dancer for money ♪
♪ And any only music will do... ♪
Can I just say you've been absolutely wonderful?
I love you. Thank you very much. Cheers.
You really have. You've made three old men very happy.
So thank you.
Shaun: I, um...
um...
thanks.
- Audience: Aw. - Sorry.
Thank you. We'll be back.
We asked 100 people who were back and they said us, mates.
- Yeah! - The boys are back!
Good audience, Warwick. Very good crowd.
- And that was sold out, was it? - Yeah, just a bit.
- 400 quid.
Show me the money.
Les: Hey, we should play bigger venues.
- We should play Wembley. - Yeah, well, one step at a time, eh, Les?
Thanks. Do you reckon we'll get groupies?
I wouldn't make it your main aim.
Oh, thanks, Warwick. Great job, mate.
- Thanks for sorting this out. - Well done.
And this is just the beginning. Onwards and upwards.
- Group hug. - Come on.
- The boys are back.
Good turnout.
Right, let's do this. Big me up then bring me out.
All right? Go for it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you may have seen him in "Return of the Jedi"
or "Leprechaun"
or "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
or "Harry Potter."
But tonight you will actually see his face
for the very first time.
So when you do see him, don't be alarmed.
He is totally well and meant to look like that.
And you can swear or whatever
'cause he's an adult.
So please welcome to the stage
Warwick Davis.
- Good afternoon. Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
Look at him struggling.
Cheryl, microphone. Shh.
Thank you.
The year is 1988.
The film everyone's talking about, "Willow."
The fantasy epic from the mind
of "Star Wars" genius George Lucas
directed by Ron Howard.
The film was an enchanting mix
of adventure, magic, romance, and yes,
even a little humor.
So, who here is a fan of "Willow"?
Who here has seen "Willow"?
Yes! Did you like it?
No? He's not a huge fan, but he has seen it.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, today I'm giving you
the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
to invest in a major motion picture.
"Willow 2."
Let's take a look at the kind of return
you could get on your money.
In 1988, Ron directed me in "Willow."
The film made $57 million domestic.
In 1989, Ron directed "Parenthood."
Cheryl, how much did that make?
126 million.
In 1995, Ron made "Apollo 13."
355 million.
In 2006, Ron made "The Da Vinci Code."
758 million.
So, based on Ron's track record,
"Willow 2" will make over $1 billion.
A billion dollars.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you brought your checkbooks.
Thank you.
- Ooh!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The thing about this project
is we're sort of hitting the ground running with this.
It's an established franchise. A brand, if you like.
Would you like to be in the film?
Because I think you would play a really good wise man
and you would be a really good star.
Yeah, that does sound good.
See that group over there?
I want you to go over there and mingle with them.
Win their confidence, become one of them.
Then I'll come over and do my pitch
and you give me a hard time, all right?
You're a tough-nosed investor like Gordon Gekko
and I'll win you around, okay?
- But don't make it easy for me. - Right, yeah.
I'll make sure they don't know I'm on your side.
- Right.
Hello. All right? I've nothing to do with Warwick.
I'm very tough. I'm not easily pleased.
So did the presentation make sense to you?
Made sense in as much as you were speaking English.
So are you interested in investing?
Definitely not.
Oh, have you considered my proposal fully?
Let's just imagine this is the "Dragon's Den" and I walk in--
I'd say I'm out immediately.
You haven't let me finish my presentation.
I walk in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis."
I'd definitely say I'm out at that point.
You have to let me finish my presentation.
- Let him finish his presentation. - Thank you, Sue.
Okay, okay.
So I'd come in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis
- the accomplished actor." - Whoa, what do you mean accomplished?
- No.
Then you can't say you're an accomplished actor.
You are a hard-nosed investor, aren't you?
Maybe a bit too hard-nosed.
- Let's see if I can win you around. - I doubt it.
People say I'm like Gordon the Gopher.
- Gekko. - Gordon the Gecko.
- Gordon Gekko. - Him.
So, you're not only investing in me,
Warwick Davis the accomplished actor--
- Actor. - Actor.
You're investing in a dream.
The dream of a sequel to the much-loved fantasy film "Willow."
- Yes.
When can I say I'm out?
Uh-huh.
No.
No, it's not about that, Ian.
He's got no money at all.
You know? And he's trying to rebuild his career.
Yeah, well, he's trying to be a better person.
I really think we should help him.
Oh, right.
No, that's okay. That's fine.
I'll just take it out of my own savings.
Yeah. Bye.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
- So-so.
Ian and I want to put in £500.
Well, thank you. That's amazing.
You won't regret this, honestly.
It's fine.
- Thank Ian as well. - I will.
Thank you. Give us a kiss.
- Thank you. - It's okay.
- Warwick: We've raised £4,600 today. - Thank you.
And I've managed to scrape together £400 of my own money.
So that's £5,000 for Val to get "Willow 2" up and running.
Let's make movies.
A movie.
Yeah, and here's some more great news.
In "Willow 1" there were loads of roles for little people.
Spoke to Val, he said the same's gonna be true of "Willow 2,"
which means I'll be able to give loads of work
to my clients.
A lot of them have been struggling lately.
So I can't wait to give 'em the good news.
Right, everyone.
What's the best news you could hear today?
No, you know the good news, Cheryl, so put your hand down.
Anyone but Cheryl. What's the best news you could get?
They've lowered the height restrictions on the rides at Alton Towers?
- No. - Have you sent our petition?
Yeah, I have, but that's not the news.
Anyone else? What's the best news you could get?
No, you know the news, Cheryl. Put your hand down.
Come on. Pete, what's the best news you could get?
They've invented time travel.
- Have they invented time travel?
We could go back and see all the dinosaurs.
That would be good news, but it's not that.
I don't think that you're gonna get it.
Oh, go on, then, Cheryl. Tell them the good news.
Is it that they can clone pets now?
What?
Can they clone pets?
So when you take your pet to the vet and you go,
"Oh, it's really sick. It's dying,"
and you say, "Oh, I love Mr. Cuddles.
That was the best pet I ever had.
I'm never gonna have a pet like him."
And then the vet goes, "Oh, yes, you will.
I've made another one. Look, here's an exact copy."
No.
They can't clone pets now. That's not the good news.
And you knew what the good news was.
Nope, the good news is we're making a sequel to "Willow."
You're still thinking about time travel, aren't you?
- Yeah, that'd be amazing. - Yeah, it would be.
But this is amazing, too, because as one of the producers,
I can make sure there are loads of roles in it for you guys.
Hey, hey. Now you're excited.
And no one guessed it.
Even those who already knew it didn't guess it.
Warwick: After an obvious shaky start
with me having to pay the lads out of my own money,
word is now spreading and I'm getting them gigs
at rugby clubs, student unions, a few corporates.
And we're actually selling tickets now.
Let me call you when I get back to the office
and then we'll get something booked in.
- Oh, yes!
Have a goodie bag.
Yes, it's the top answer.
You're playing big money.
Warwick: Here we are, 129.
Our junior executive family room.
- I like this. - Oh, that's comfy.
- Free biscuits.
Are they free? Sometimes they sting you for those.
Do they? I'll get onto it.
Hello. These biscuits in the room, are they free?
They are.
Yes! Good.
Yeah, my life's going pretty well at the moment.
I mean, overall, my life's shit.
It started off badly and I'm pretty sure it's gonna end badly.
But certainly at the moment I'm on an absolute high.
♪ Picture this, we were both butt naked ♪
♪ Banging on the bathroom floor ♪
♪ How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? ♪
♪ All the time she was standing there ♪
♪ She didn't take her eyes off me ♪
♪ To be a true player you have to learn how to play ♪
♪ She say a night, convince her it's a day ♪
♪ Never admit to a word that she say ♪
♪ And if she claiming you, tell her, baby, no way ♪
♪ But she caught me on the counter ♪
- ♪ It wasn't me ♪ - ♪ Caught me banging on the sofa ♪
- ♪ It wasn't me ♪ - ♪ Even caught me in the shower ♪
- ♪ It wasn't me ♪ - ♪ Even had it on camera... ♪
Les: Yes, yes! Have an air guitar. Fantastic.
...it's the top answer!
Les: Well played!
Warwick: Yeah, I'm pretty exhausted at the moment, working 24/7.
But I don't think you can enjoy success
unless you've worked for it.
- Yup.
All right, then. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.
- Yeah. - That's free, too.
- Night, Warwick.
- Night. - Night.
Not while I'm reading.
What are you doing?
Amy: Why are you sleeping in the car?
Warwick: It saves the boys money.
Everything we spend comes out of their income.
If they get a room, you should get a room.
You're being too generous.
It's not generosity.
Saving the money now, but if I can get them in bigger venues
or back on the TV, then we start seeing the big money
and that's when I get paid back.
Okay, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Adam West?
No. Adam West is about 85.
I don't know. We've had them all, haven't we?
We've had George Clooney.
Christian Bale.
Michael Keaton. I don't know who else was in "Batman."
Take it off, Val.
- Ha. - Warwick: It's Val Kilmer.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ha, I got you. - Yes, you did.
- It's my trick. - Yeah.
No one ever gets it.
Good to see you.
So we-- we're kind of a little bit pressed for time.
- Yeah. - So what can we do for you?
It's what we can do for you guys.
Val and I are putting together "Willow 2"
and we'd like to invite you to come aboard as producers.
I've already raised £5,000.
Right. And what do you want from us?
- Well, another 5,000. - Yeah.
- Ricky: Okay. Right. - For development.
- Development costs.
Yeah, I know,
but what are those costs at this stage?
- Writers. - Right.
I'm staying at the Dorchester.
That's gonna get to be expensive.
If you eat and drink like I intend to,
that's gonna be 50 grand right there.
I mean, if you don't think I can drain a mini bar
and have it restocked and do it all again the next night,
than you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Oh, okay.
Um... okay.
Do you mind if we have a quick word with Warwick alone?
No, sure.
Take all the time you need.
Are you gonna finish that tiramisu?
No, take it.
- Go for it.
- Cool. - All right.
Waste not, want not.
Listen, I know I've pestered you guys a bit in the past.
- Go on. - This is a real opportunity for me.
And a real investment opportunity for you guys as well.
Ron Howard and George Lucas are attached.
See, that's what I don't understand, Warwick.
If those guys are onboard, why are you scrubbing around
trying to raise a few grand
from friends and relatives or whatever?
They must have that sort of money lying around in drawers.
Stephen: Yeah, I mean, have you spoken to them?
Do you know if this is actually happening?
- Well, I-- - 'Cause Val just seems a little bit...
flighty.
- Val: Think. - Christian Bale.
Don't you people go to the movies?
Warwick: Big night for us tonight.
I've managed to persuade Paul Jacobs
to come down to tonight's show.
Now, Paul is the commissioning editor for ITV2.
So he's got the power to say yay or nay
to putting the lads back on TV,
which would be massive for us.
Hi, Paul.
- Hi there. - Hi.
Thanks for coming down.
- No, I'm all right. Thanks.
Hope you enjoy the show.
Yeah, so do I.
- Yeah, maybe.
Come on.
Warwick: I told the lads he's in.
Don't know whether that was a good idea or not.
But I do need them to be on their A game
because, if I'm honest,
probably the last bite of the cherry for them.
And for me as well.
All right, chaps, everything's set.
The audience is in.
- I'm really nervous.
- I feel sick.
You're all professionals, aren't you?
So just get out there and do your thing.
- Yeah. - I'm good.
- Showtime. - Cheers, Warwick.
- Break your legs. - Thanks, Warwick.
You have a chance to steal.
We're looking for a man you'd go gay for.
- Johnny Depp.
Crowd: Ooh!
Les: Yeah, okay, Shane?
I think we've already had Brad Pitt.
Do you know the rules of the game?
- I like Brad Pitt.
Les: So he's gonna get shagged twice then, basically?
♪ I'm your private dancer ♪
♪ A dancer for money ♪
♪ Any old music will do ♪
♪ Dancer for money ♪
♪ And any old music will do... ♪
You've got to have respect for the older generation, don't you, Shaun?
- Totally agree. - They won the war for us.
- Definitely. - Let's have a cheer for the older generation.
- Hip hip... - Replacement.
Shaun: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's now that time.
We'd like to invite you to take part
in the iconic game of "Cheggers Plays Pop."
So, would you like to welcome back to the stage
the fabulous, the one and only,
Mr. Keith Chegwin.
♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪
Come on. ♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪
- ♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪
- Sing it with me. - ♪ Cheggers plays cock ♪
- ♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪
♪ Cock, cock, Cheggers plays cock. ♪
♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪ Look at that.
♪ Cheggers plays cock, cock, cock. ♪
Sing it. Sing it with me.
- Come on, only you. - ♪ Cheggers plays cock. ♪
Keith: Hey, you fancy me, don't you?
What the fuck was that?
I panicked 'cause the TV man was in.
He was in. I don't imagine he is now.
I'm sorry.
Just can't believe you got your cock out.
That's route one.
It's so inane.
- This is a classy show.
It's what I do. It's what I am.
You can sing,
you do impressions-- an impression.
But what can I do?
I'm just a loudmouthed, alcoholic Scouser
with a squeaky voice.
And in Liverpool, that's not even considered weird.
This was our last fucking chance and you blew it.
- It's Paul.
You're mad. You are absolutely mad.
I just loved the cock out, mate.
I loved the cock out. It's fucking brilliant.
It's incredible. We've got to get you on ITV2.
I can see-- oh, God, talk about a Twitter trend.
Hashtag-- "Cheggers Plays Cock."
It's gonna be huge.
First time my cock's ever been huge.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Just more of that. More of that stuff.
Oh, man, I love it. I love the show.
It's naughty, it's irreverent.
I love the way you taking the piss out of, you know,
rubbish old-fashioned singing, these terrible lame jokes.
It's just so ironic.
But, Keith, man, dude,
it's got to be center stage for you.
- No, no, the show's really the three of us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, Keith, Keith,
when you got the cock out, it just stole the show.
You know, it was the show.
I just want to see you on television.
I want to see you online. I can see you going viral.
I've still got the penicillin from last time.
Yeah, you are funny.
That's not really a joke.
It's so shit it's good. Don't know how you do it.
- He's a genius. - He is. He is.
I mean, it's shit, but it's genius in a weird way.
Yeah, it's good. We'll talk, yeah?
- Good. Thank you very much. - Yeah.
Cheers.
Warwick: Just as we get a chance at TV,
the boys had a little clash of egos.
Seems to be some jealousy over who's center stage.
Which is why I've brought in my spiritual counselor
Bryan Medici.
I'm here to say to the lads,
"Look, you got a good thing going here.
Don't ruin it because of petty squabbles."
This is a safe environment
where we can share our gripes and grievances,
clear the air, and move on.
Shaun, what bothers you about Les?
I hate how me and Keith have to cover up
all the mirrors in every hotel room with towels
because Les can't stand to see his own reflection.
- 'Cause I need a mirror.
I've got to check on my hair transplant
to make sure it hasn't died or withered or receded.
I don't want them "islands," 'cause it's a dead giveaway.
It is a giveaway.
Les, what do you got to say about that?
I've told them, when I leave the room
they can pull the towel back from the mirror
and look at themselves then.
I don't always want to wait until you leave the room.
Oi, calm down.
Les, why don't you like looking at yourself?
When I look at myself I see my eyes.
And they're the eyes of a child.
An innocent child.
But they're trapped in this withered body
that has seen so much and knows the ugly truth of the world.
And I feel sad.
Les. Les.
Your withered, little body
is not something to be sad about
because there is such wisdom within.
- It's like Yoda. - Yes.
Thank you, Warwick, yes. You're like Yoda.
A wrinkled, little thing.
Childlike,
but old and wise.
Everybody loves Yoda.
And when Yoda says, "Knowledge have I,"
people don't go, "Oh, shut your stupid, useless, little head
or I'll kick you over, you Scouse little fucker."
They say, "Thank you, Yoda,
you wise thing."
If you take one of my classes
and you look at what I'm doing
and you pull apart my exercises
and you go, "Oh, does any of this work?
Does any of it achieve anything?"
I'd say no.
It doesn't.
But it does.
Now, Les, what bothers you about Keith?
When I'm with Keith and we pass an open window
I sometimes get the feeling
that he might try and throw himself out
and deliberately land on a mother and her child.
Thanks very much for that, Les, because I told you that in absolute confidence.
Bryan: Keith, Keith.
Do you sometimes have thoughts like this?
Yeah, but that's one of the nicer thoughts I have.
'Cause when I go quiet,
you don't want to know what I'm thinking.
And, Keith, what bothers you about Shaun?
I hate the way he tries to rule our lives.
He's like a bloody mother hen.
"Oh, Keith, Keith, you've eaten nothing
but crisps all day." I know.
"Oh, Keith, there's a piss stain on your trousers." I know.
You know what I see?
I see three people that love each other
very, very much.
Because if you didn't, you wouldn't care so much.
- That is true, Keith.
I mean, there's not many people like Shaun
who'd be prepared to stand with a hair dryer
over your crotch for half an hour
before you have to go to a funeral.
Yeah. Yeah, I supposed you're right.
- Why'd it take half an hour? - Wasn't drying.
'Cause I was pissing while he was drying.
'Cause he was annoying me.
Every time he thought it was dry I topped it off a bit.
If you talk to me about science, I'll slap you.
And we're jumping.
If you talk to me about atheism, agnosticism,
hatred, I'll kick you in the balls
and you can get straight out of my class.
I'll take your cash, but you're gone.
What do you see?
Don't really know.
- He's back!
Bryan: But if you come to see me, if you trust me,
I will take all that bad stuff,
and I'll suck it out of you.
Your filth.
Then you can look at it and you can go,
"Oh, dear. I was a real nasty little shit.
And I met Brian Medici
walking on water."
Everyone, together. Warwick, get in.
- Come on, Warwick. - Hey, get in.
- Good.
Shaun? - Excellent.
Warwick: So I've been doing some digging around
and I managed to get through to Ron Howard on the phone.
His assistant must have taken her eye off the ball there.
To be fair, I called from a pay phone
so she wouldn't recognize my number and she picked up.
Hello? Hello, is that Ron Howard's office?
Yeah, it's Warwick Davis. Ha!
Anyway, I spoke to Ron and he said
he hadn't heard anything about "Willow 2."
In fact, he said he wouldn't work with me or Val ever again.
Which makes sense because I remember him saying that
after the first "Willow."
Hey, Warwick.
- Come on in. - Thank you.
Look at this. Spaghetti Bolognese.
Real posh now.
You know wine?
- I don't, no. - Look at this.
Most expensive on the menu.
Nice.
Uh, listen, Val,
we're friends
so I don't really know how to broach this,
but is "Willow 2" happening?
Okay, let's...
come back to that. What's your next question?
Is "Willow 2" something that might get made?
- Thank you.
Request from Warwick Davis re: "Willow 2."
Find out, colon, is it happening?
Are you actually in talks with George Lucas?
Wait. Who are you talking to?
To you.
Okay, there's a lot going on here.
There's words going into the Dictaphone
and then you're saying a lot of names.
Please, just try to focus, Willow.
One question at a time.
You told me that you'd been in talks with George Lucas.
Let's not focus on the past.
You keep doing that. Let's talk about the future.
Have you spoken to George?
In the future, yes, I will.
You led me to believe that Ron Howard was attached.
Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
You gave me the impression from what you said
that George and Ron were both onboard.
Was I wrong to take that impression from you?
Well, in the sense that they were involved you were,
but not in the sense that I said it.
I did say that. Absolutely true.
Well, you said it, but there's no truth to it.
Should I be held accountable
for every single thing I say as if it's the truth?
Because I am an actor.
So most of the things I say--
made up.
Clear your mind. Close your eyes.
Look at me.
What is reality? What is fantasy?
'Cause "Willow 2" is a fantasy.
It's a fantasy film.
Is us making "Willow 2" a reality?
Hmm, I shouldn't think so.
"Willow" the original wasn't that good.
What was all that stuff about development money?
What were you hoping to do?
Uh, embezzle it. Yeah.
And get away scott free. But you've scuttled that, haven't you?
Can I have the £5,000 back I gave you?
No, you may not, steamy. I spent it.
On what?
Frittered away on nonsense mostly.
I'm having a Batbelt made that costs £900.
It's got all these new pockets.
It's got a pocket for the iPad,
pocket for the iPhone. I can get a pocket for you.
- When you're ready, sir. - Good. Thank you.
- Um, oh...
No, I-- do you know who I am?
- Uh... - Val Kilmer.
- Yes, sir. Yeah.
It's worth thousands of dollars as far as you know.
What do you say we take it off my wrist,
you put it on your wrist, we tear up the bill?
I can't accept your watch, sir, no.
- No.
So you want cash? Good. I'm just going to...
go out to my car and get my wallet, okay?
Okay.
- He's not coming back.
He's not coming back. Val Kilmer's done a runner and we've both fallen for it.
- Well, then you're gonna have to-- - Pay the bill, yeah.
- Yeah. - Of course I am.
Didn't even eat anything.
To cut a long story short, it was a con.
So can you tell Ian I'll pay you both back as soon as I can?
It wasn't Ian's money. It was mine.
I'm even more sorry, then, 'cause you've wasted your money.
There was no film to invest in.
I wasn't investing in a film, Warwick.
I was investing in you.
Thanks.
Warwick: It's not the money I've lost.
It's not even that the film isn't happening.
It's that I feel stupid.
I just feel like a total fool.
Yeah.
Luckily, I'm gonna be busy with Keith and Les and Shaun
and the gigs and the TV show and whatever.
Off on the road again soon.
Oh.
Here's my chauffeur.
I wish. Maybe one day.
You've got to stay optimistic.
You all right? Who's that?
That's Jonathan Kavanagh.
He's a big talent agent.
He represents a lot of the big names.
Yeah, I know who he is.
We've had a couple of meetings with him
and basically he's gonna take us to the next level.
I don't understand.
Well, he's booked us a proper UK tour.
You know, at good venues and press PR and everything.
How do I fit in?
Les: That's what we're saying.
We can't give away two lots at 20%.
Are you firing me?
No, it's not firing, is it?
Because we've done this stage of it
and you've been paid for everything so far.
What are you not happy about with me?
No, it's nothing to do with you, Warwick.
No, it's our last bite of the cherry.
We have to do what's best for us.
We can't turn it down. It's a huge chance.
Hang on, I got you the TV offer.
We're not going with that.
Jonathan's got us a bigger and better deal with ITV1.
You weren't even working as a team before me.
None of this existed. I put the act together.
What did you put together? I've been doing those jokes for years.
Not a single original idea in the whole act, mate.
But we're friends, aren't we?
- It's business, Warwick. - Yeah.
- We need to get going. - Yeah.
Shaun.
I can't do it anymore.
It's nutbag after nutbag
and it's just not worth it.
I gonna pack it all in.
- Everything.
The agency, showbiz, acting.
I've been doing this since I was a kid
and it's just not making me happy.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
I think I've been clinging onto fame or whatever
because people have always looked at me
and I thought I'd rather they look at me
because they've seen me in a film
and not just because I'm small.
Guys, thanks for coming down.
I've got some bad news.
"Willow 2" is not happening.
I know, I'm so sorry.
And on top of that,
I'm giving up.
Yeah, I'm closing the agency.
I'm afraid you're on your own.
What do you mean?
What are we gonna do?
I was never any good for you.
I used to nick all your roles.
I exploited you.
We're always gonna be exploited, Warwick.
We've been exploited all our lives.
But if we are gonna be exploited,
let's at least be exploited by another dwarf.
You shouldn't let yourselves be exploited.
If you want something, take the bull by the horns and go for it.
That's what you did. Now you're saying you're giving up.
You're ambitious. You're smart.
If you can't succeed, what chance have we got?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to carry on as we are.
You represent us,
we'll struggle on blindly, never getting anywhere,
and die before we realize we never made it.
Who wants to struggle on blindly never getting anywhere
and die before they realize it was all a waste of time?
Let's struggle on blindly, then.
Yes!
Cheryl, go get some champagne.
Take some money out of petty cash.
There is no petty cash.
All right, well, forget that.
Can't afford champagne.
- Whip round. - Yeah.
Warwick: If what they want is blind hope,
I can give them that.
If they want someone working for them
who will try but probably fail,
then they've come to the right man.
No, seriously,
I'm gonna work hard for them.
And for me.
Thank you very much.
Cheers, chaps. Cheers.
Are you still pissing?
No.