1
00:00:33,268 --> 00:00:37,147
<i>It has been said that
magic vanished from our world</i>

2
00:00:37,230 --> 00:00:38,565
<i>a long time ago,</i>

3
00:00:38,731 --> 00:00:42,610
<i>and that humanity can no
longer fulfill its desires</i>

4
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,737
<i>through the power of wishes.</i>

5
00:00:44,904 --> 00:00:48,908
<i>To those who have lost the
wondrous vision of childhood eyes,</i>

6
00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:52,829
<i>submitted here is
the story of a little boy</i>

7
00:00:52,912 --> 00:00:55,331
<i>and a magical Christmas wish</i>

8
00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:58,460
<i>that changed his life forever.</i>

9
00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:06,050
<i>It began in 1985, in a
town just outside Boston.</i>

10
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:12,182
<i>It was Christmas Eve, and all the
children were in high spirits.</i>

11
00:01:12,265 --> 00:01:14,350
<i>That special time of year</i>

12
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:16,686
<i>when Boston children
gather together</i>

13
00:01:16,853 --> 00:01:18,605
<i>and beat up the Jewish kids.</i>

14
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:19,898
Hey, Greenbaum!

15
00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:21,191
Uh-oh.

16
00:01:21,274 --> 00:01:22,275
Get him!

17
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:30,325
<i>But there was one child who
wasn't in such good spirits.</i>

18
00:01:30,408 --> 00:01:32,160
<i>Little John Bennett,</i>

19
00:01:32,243 --> 00:01:34,412
<i>that one boy in
every neighborhood</i>

20
00:01:34,496 --> 00:01:37,207
<i>who just has a tough time
making friends.</i>

21
00:01:37,582 --> 00:01:39,125
Hey, guys, can I play?

22
00:01:39,209 --> 00:01:40,335
Get out of here, Bennett.

23
00:01:40,418 --> 00:01:41,461
Get lost, Bennett!

24
00:01:41,544 --> 00:01:42,504
Get out of here, Bennett!

25
00:01:42,587 --> 00:01:44,088
Yeah, Bennett, get lost.

26
00:01:47,217 --> 00:01:49,594
<i>John longed with all his heart</i>

27
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:52,889
<i>for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.</i>

28
00:01:53,431 --> 00:01:57,185
<i>And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,</i>

29
00:01:57,268 --> 00:01:59,312
<i>he would never let him go.</i>

30
00:02:01,731 --> 00:02:06,110
<i>Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning finally came.</i>

31
00:02:06,444 --> 00:02:10,448
<i>All the children were opening
their gifts with holiday glee.</i>

32
00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:19,958
<i>And for little John Bennett,</i>

33
00:02:20,041 --> 00:02:24,629
<i>Christmas Day brought a
very special new arrival.</i>

34
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,511
Wow!

35
00:02:31,594 --> 00:02:34,305
I guess Santa paid attention to
how good you were this year, huh?

36
00:02:34,389 --> 00:02:36,307
Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

37
00:02:37,392 --> 00:02:38,518
<i>I love you!</i>

38
00:02:39,102 --> 00:02:40,520
He talks!

39
00:02:42,021 --> 00:02:44,274
I'm going to name you Teddy.

40
00:02:46,401 --> 00:02:50,071
<i>John became
instantly attached to Teddy.</i>

41
00:02:50,154 --> 00:02:52,699
<i>There was something
about that bear</i>

42
00:02:52,782 --> 00:02:56,244
<i>that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend</i>

43
00:02:56,327 --> 00:02:59,706
<i>with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.</i>

44
00:02:59,789 --> 00:03:01,207
<i>I love you!</i>

45
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,835
I love you, too, Teddy.

46
00:03:04,669 --> 00:03:08,464
You know, I wish you
could really talk to me.

47
00:03:08,631 --> 00:03:12,802
Because then, we could be best
friends forever and ever.

48
00:03:13,803 --> 00:03:16,889
<i>Now, if there's one
thing you can be sure of,</i>

49
00:03:16,973 --> 00:03:21,728
<i>it's that nothing is more
powerful than a young boy's wish.</i>

50
00:03:22,312 --> 00:03:24,439
<i>Except an Apache helicopter.</i>

51
00:03:24,522 --> 00:03:28,026
<i>An Apache helicopter has
machine guns and missiles.</i>

52
00:03:28,109 --> 00:03:31,779
<i>It is an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,</i>

53
00:03:31,863 --> 00:03:34,824
<i>an absolute death machine.</i>

54
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,452
<i>Well, as it turned out,</i>

55
00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:40,997
<i>John picked the perfect
night to make a wish.</i>

56
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:19,869
Teddy?

57
00:04:23,706 --> 00:04:24,999
Teddy?

58
00:04:29,462 --> 00:04:30,546
Teddy?

59
00:04:38,971 --> 00:04:40,056
Hug me.

60
00:04:41,265 --> 00:04:43,476
You're my best friend, John.

61
00:04:43,768 --> 00:04:46,312
Did you... Did you just talk?

62
00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:47,855
Don't look so surprised.

63
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:50,024
You're the one who wished
for it, aren't you?

64
00:04:50,775 --> 00:04:54,237
Yeah. I did wish for it.

65
00:04:54,529 --> 00:04:56,197
Well, here I am.

66
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:59,325
You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

67
00:04:59,409 --> 00:05:00,743
For real.

68
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,203
Forever and ever?

69
00:05:02,495 --> 00:05:03,788
Sounds good to me.

70
00:05:05,456 --> 00:05:08,751
<i>John was just about
the happiest boy in the world</i>

71
00:05:08,835 --> 00:05:12,338
<i>and he couldn't wait to tell
everyone the good news.</i>

72
00:05:12,672 --> 00:05:15,466
Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

73
00:05:16,801 --> 00:05:18,553
Really? Well, isn't
that exciting.

74
00:05:18,636 --> 00:05:21,013
No, Mom, he's really alive.
Look.

75
00:05:21,723 --> 00:05:23,558
Merry Christmas, everybody.

76
00:05:25,309 --> 00:05:26,394
Jesus H. Fuck!

77
00:05:26,644 --> 00:05:28,104
Let's all be best friends.

78
00:05:28,187 --> 00:05:29,188
Oh, my God!

79
00:05:29,272 --> 00:05:31,274
John, get away from that thing.
Get over here right now.

80
00:05:31,357 --> 00:05:32,859
But, Dad... Get over here!

81
00:05:33,151 --> 00:05:34,485
Listen to your father!
Come here!

82
00:05:34,569 --> 00:05:36,446
Helen, get my gun. Dad, no!

83
00:05:36,529 --> 00:05:37,697
Is it a hugging gun?

84
00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:39,365
Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

85
00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:42,702
I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett, I
didn't mean to scare anybody.

86
00:05:42,869 --> 00:05:44,954
I just wanted John
and I to be friends.

87
00:05:45,037 --> 00:05:48,499
Yeah, Dad, I made a wish last
night that Teddy was alive

88
00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:49,876
and my wish came true.

89
00:05:51,627 --> 00:05:53,337
Oh, my God!

90
00:05:54,589 --> 00:05:56,215
It's a miracle.

91
00:05:57,091 --> 00:05:59,677
It's a Christmas miracle.

92
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:03,014
You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

93
00:06:03,598 --> 00:06:07,685
<i>Well, it wasn't long before
the story of John's little miracle</i>

94
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,520
<i>was sweeping the nation.</i>

95
00:06:09,687 --> 00:06:10,938
Out of a Boston suburb

96
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:13,816
comes what is, without a doubt,
the most incredible story...

97
00:06:13,983 --> 00:06:15,777
A young boy's stuffed animal

98
00:06:15,860 --> 00:06:18,488
has magically come to life for,
as yet, unknown reasons...

99
00:06:18,654 --> 00:06:23,242
Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

100
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:27,455
<i>Before long, Teddy
had become a huge celebrity</i>

101
00:06:27,538 --> 00:06:28,956
<i>in his own right.</i>

102
00:06:34,212 --> 00:06:35,379
Hello, Teddy.

103
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:42,303
You... you are a...
You surprise me.

104
00:06:42,929 --> 00:06:45,139
For some reason I thought you
were going to be taller.

105
00:06:45,223 --> 00:06:47,642
I thought you were
going to be funnier.

106
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:53,689
<i>But through all the fame,</i>

107
00:06:53,773 --> 00:06:57,860
<i>Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.</i>

108
00:06:57,944 --> 00:07:00,571
The thunder
can't get us, right?

109
00:07:00,696 --> 00:07:04,325
Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

110
00:07:04,408 --> 00:07:05,910
We're totally safe.

111
00:07:06,869 --> 00:07:07,870
Teddy?

112
00:07:08,204 --> 00:07:09,205
Yeah, John?

113
00:07:09,372 --> 00:07:11,958
Do you promise we'll
always be together?

114
00:07:12,583 --> 00:07:14,001
I promise.

115
00:07:16,587 --> 00:07:18,923
Thunder buddies for life.

116
00:07:19,465 --> 00:07:22,051
Thunder buddies for life.

117
00:07:23,594 --> 00:07:28,474
<i>And that was a promise that
neither one of them ever forgot.</i>

118
00:07:29,433 --> 00:07:32,520
<i>So, where are
John and Teddy today?</i>

119
00:07:32,603 --> 00:07:34,689
<i>Well, let me put it this way.</i>

120
00:07:34,772 --> 00:07:37,984
<i>No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,</i>

121
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:41,988
<i>whether you're Corey Feldman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,</i>

122
00:07:42,071 --> 00:07:43,906
<i>or a talking teddy bear,</i>

123
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:46,617
<i>eventually,
nobody gives a shit.</i>

124
00:08:12,390 --> 00:08:15,117
TED

125
00:10:20,146 --> 00:10:21,939
<i>Do I dare look at the clock?</i>

126
00:10:22,314 --> 00:10:26,068
Look, all I'm saying is that
Boston women are, on the whole,

127
00:10:26,152 --> 00:10:29,530
a paler, uglier sort than women
from the elsewheres of life.

128
00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:31,282
That's bullshit. What about Lori?
She's hot.

129
00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:33,451
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

130
00:10:33,576 --> 00:10:34,618
They're not that bad.

131
00:10:34,785 --> 00:10:37,038
See, the fact that you have
to say they're not that bad

132
00:10:37,121 --> 00:10:38,456
means that they are that bad.

133
00:10:38,748 --> 00:10:40,833
Did you ever hear a Boston
girl have an orgasm?

134
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:45,254
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

135
00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:47,256
Oh, God, that was so good!

136
00:10:47,339 --> 00:10:50,551
Now I'm going to stuff my fucking
face with Pepperidge Farm!

137
00:10:53,262 --> 00:10:55,347
Jesus, this is weak.

138
00:10:55,514 --> 00:10:59,018
It's not even getting me high. I got
to have a talk with my weed guy.

139
00:10:59,101 --> 00:11:00,102
It's working for me.

140
00:11:00,186 --> 00:11:01,771
I think it sucks. I'm going
to have a talk with him.

141
00:11:01,854 --> 00:11:04,106
I don't know that you want to go
to a drug dealer with complaints.

142
00:11:04,190 --> 00:11:07,109
No. I know this guy a long time.
I've known him since 9/11.

143
00:11:07,193 --> 00:11:09,862
You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9/11.
I got to get high."

144
00:11:10,154 --> 00:11:11,739
Is it 9:30? Yeah.

145
00:11:11,822 --> 00:11:13,365
Shit, I got to get to work!

146
00:11:13,657 --> 00:11:15,159
I don't know if I can drive!

147
00:11:15,409 --> 00:11:17,453
It's okay, I'll drive you.
I feel fine.

148
00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:42,186
Fuck! Shit.

149
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,312
Oh, man!

150
00:11:43,479 --> 00:11:46,982
Johnny, I'm sorry, man. That
car just came out of nowhere.

151
00:11:47,108 --> 00:11:48,526
God, is it bad?

152
00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:50,653
Oh, man!

153
00:11:51,195 --> 00:11:54,365
John! May I speak
with you, please?

154
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:55,449
Shit.

155
00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:56,951
It's all right, go, go, go.
I'll pull out of here.

156
00:11:57,034 --> 00:11:58,244
Hi, Thomas, how are you?

157
00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:13,092
Asshole!

158
00:12:13,175 --> 00:12:15,636
That's my bad.
I was sending a tweet.

159
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,807
John, it's almost 10:00.

160
00:12:20,516 --> 00:12:22,560
I know, sir, I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.

161
00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:24,562
What do you mean?

162
00:12:27,857 --> 00:12:31,235
I guess I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

163
00:12:32,153 --> 00:12:34,738
John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

164
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,324
and you get my job when I
go to corporate next month.

165
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:39,076
You're the new branch manager.

166
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,162
All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

167
00:12:41,245 --> 00:12:42,746
I realize that. Good.

168
00:12:43,122 --> 00:12:44,790
Glad to hear it.

169
00:12:44,915 --> 00:12:48,627
Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

170
00:12:48,711 --> 00:12:51,672
A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

171
00:12:51,755 --> 00:12:54,842
who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

172
00:12:54,925 --> 00:12:56,552
Not a bad life, is it?

173
00:12:57,094 --> 00:12:58,262
No.

174
00:12:59,096 --> 00:13:01,182
I'm going to show you something
that I don't like to show people

175
00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:04,018
because I don't want them
treating me differently.

176
00:13:06,937 --> 00:13:09,023
Boom. That's me and Skerritt.

177
00:13:09,273 --> 00:13:10,316
Wow.

178
00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:12,026
Goddamn right, "Wow."

179
00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:14,028
I'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

180
00:13:14,111 --> 00:13:15,571
and for showing up
late today, all right?

181
00:13:15,946 --> 00:13:17,823
Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

182
00:13:17,907 --> 00:13:19,491
I will, sir, I promise.

183
00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:22,161
I'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

184
00:13:23,037 --> 00:13:24,038
What?

185
00:13:24,705 --> 00:13:25,706
<i>Top Gun.</i>

186
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,416
So?

187
00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:29,126
Tom Skerritt.

188
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:31,295
I know that.

189
00:13:31,503 --> 00:13:32,546
Get out of here, okay?

190
00:13:32,671 --> 00:13:33,714
Thank you, sir.

191
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:36,717
All right, here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

192
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,510
complimentary map of Boston.

193
00:13:38,802 --> 00:13:41,138
Thank you for choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

194
00:13:41,222 --> 00:13:42,973
Thanks. Thanks so much.

195
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:45,809
I heard you got busted.

196
00:13:46,644 --> 00:13:48,938
Jesus, Guy, you look like shit, man.
What happened?

197
00:13:49,188 --> 00:13:52,191
I don't know, I got fucking
wasted last night.

198
00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:56,028
My phone says I texted someone at
3:15, asking them to beat me up.

199
00:13:56,445 --> 00:14:00,157
And then, at 4:30, I texted the
same person saying, "Thanks."

200
00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:01,367
And you don't remember it?

201
00:14:01,575 --> 00:14:02,743
No, same as last time.

202
00:14:03,118 --> 00:14:04,995
It just seems kind
of gay, doesn't it?

203
00:14:05,496 --> 00:14:06,997
I don't know. Maybe, yeah.

204
00:14:07,081 --> 00:14:09,500
Well, do you think you're part
of some gay beat-up underworld?

205
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:11,585
Like one of those gay
beat-up clubs or something?

206
00:14:11,877 --> 00:14:13,420
I don't know.
I dig chicks, man.

207
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,422
I don't remember any of it.
I was so fucked up.

208
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:16,632
I might be gay, I don't know.

209
00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,300
Do you mind covering
for me for a bit?

210
00:14:18,384 --> 00:14:19,927
I might go lay down
in the john.

211
00:14:20,094 --> 00:14:21,595
Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

212
00:14:21,679 --> 00:14:23,264
Hey, Alix, what's up? You
get in the club last night?

213
00:14:23,472 --> 00:14:26,892
I didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

214
00:14:26,976 --> 00:14:28,352
But I made friends in the line.

215
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:29,728
That's good, I guess.

216
00:14:29,812 --> 00:14:32,439
Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

217
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:33,524
like something
where they give out

218
00:14:33,607 --> 00:14:34,858
free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

219
00:14:35,025 --> 00:14:36,068
For what?

220
00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:37,611
Lori and I have been dating
four years tomorrow.

221
00:14:37,695 --> 00:14:39,363
I want to take her
someplace really nice.

222
00:14:39,488 --> 00:14:41,156
Aw, congratulations, John.

223
00:14:41,282 --> 00:14:43,033
You guys have been
going out for four years?

224
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,119
My longest relationship
was like six months

225
00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:46,662
and then she farted
in her sleep.

226
00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:49,498
I'm like, "I'm out of here, man."
I was gone before she woke up.

227
00:14:49,873 --> 00:14:51,709
You're not very tolerant, huh?

228
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,210
Lori ever fart in front of you?

229
00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:54,336
Yeah.

230
00:14:55,421 --> 00:14:57,381
Really? Yeah, many times.

231
00:14:58,132 --> 00:14:59,883
You Italian? No.

232
00:15:01,302 --> 00:15:02,344
Why?

233
00:15:02,886 --> 00:15:04,430
Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

234
00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:06,473
John, look, don't you
think after four years

235
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,684
maybe she's hoping for
something more than dinner?

236
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:09,852
Like what?

237
00:15:09,935 --> 00:15:13,939
I don't know, but if it were me,
I'd be expecting a proposal.

238
00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:16,567
Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

239
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,027
I mean, marriage isn't...

240
00:15:19,236 --> 00:15:21,739
Isn't love enough? I submit
that love is enough.

241
00:15:22,072 --> 00:15:24,908
You can put the ring in her
ass, let her fart it out.

242
00:15:32,291 --> 00:15:34,376
So bad, but so good.

243
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:37,171
Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

244
00:15:37,254 --> 00:15:38,505
you and I got to
nail down a plan

245
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,090
for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

246
00:15:40,257 --> 00:15:42,384
No, I can't.
I'm taking Lori to dinner.

247
00:15:42,468 --> 00:15:43,469
For what?

248
00:15:43,552 --> 00:15:45,512
Well, we've been dating
four years tomorrow.

249
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:47,014
Oh, fuck me. Nice.

250
00:15:47,431 --> 00:15:49,016
Let me ask you something.

251
00:15:49,099 --> 00:15:50,309
You don't think
she's going to be

252
00:15:50,392 --> 00:15:51,769
expecting something big,
do you?

253
00:15:52,186 --> 00:15:53,187
What, like anal?

254
00:15:53,270 --> 00:15:56,398
No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

255
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,193
Oh, fuck that! It's been
four years, Johnny.

256
00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:01,111
You and me have been
together for 27 years.

257
00:16:01,195 --> 00:16:04,114
Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?

258
00:16:04,198 --> 00:16:06,075
Where's my ring, motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!

259
00:16:06,158 --> 00:16:08,494
Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

260
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:09,620
All right, knock it off!

261
00:16:09,828 --> 00:16:10,996
All right, I'm just saying.

262
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,957
But do you think she might be expecting
me to make that kind of a move?

263
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,336
No, I don't think she is. And, not
only that, it's the wrong time.

264
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,880
It's a terrible idea. I
mean, you got the economy.

265
00:16:19,963 --> 00:16:21,965
You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

266
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,092
I mean, look at Haiti.

267
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,219
I guess I didn't
think about that.

268
00:16:25,302 --> 00:16:27,054
Well, that's... It's a factor.

269
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:28,639
<i>Who are you?</i>

270
00:16:28,889 --> 00:16:32,267
<i>Flash Gordon. Quarterback,
New York Jets.</i>

271
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,812
This is the American
fantasy, right here.

272
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:38,732
A professional NFL player is
called upon to save the world.

273
00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:40,943
Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!

274
00:16:42,152 --> 00:16:43,737
Hey. Hey, sweetie.

275
00:16:43,821 --> 00:16:44,822
Hey, Lori.

276
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,657
Hi. Hi.

277
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:47,908
What do you got there?

278
00:16:47,991 --> 00:16:49,034
Turkey burgers.

279
00:16:49,118 --> 00:16:50,160
Turkey burgers.

280
00:16:50,244 --> 00:16:52,871
Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

281
00:16:53,497 --> 00:16:55,124
Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

282
00:16:55,332 --> 00:16:56,458
Whoa! Whoa!

283
00:16:57,042 --> 00:17:00,170
You kind of just reworded my
joke, but, uh...

284
00:17:00,254 --> 00:17:01,255
How was work?

285
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:02,548
It was fine.

286
00:17:02,631 --> 00:17:04,007
How's your dickhead boss?

287
00:17:04,425 --> 00:17:05,426
Rex is fine.

288
00:17:05,509 --> 00:17:08,303
He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.

289
00:17:08,554 --> 00:17:10,097
Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?

290
00:17:10,180 --> 00:17:11,557
A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

291
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,434
Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

292
00:17:13,517 --> 00:17:15,477
Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

293
00:17:15,561 --> 00:17:17,020
Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

294
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,105
That's a good one.

295
00:17:18,188 --> 00:17:21,567
You know what, I think I, too,
want a Martina Navrati-brewski.

296
00:17:21,650 --> 00:17:22,734
No, that doesn't work.

297
00:17:22,818 --> 00:17:23,861
Don't ruin it. No.

298
00:17:24,069 --> 00:17:25,320
Bullshit! That totally works.

299
00:17:25,404 --> 00:17:26,405
No, no.

300
00:17:26,488 --> 00:17:27,865
Yeah, it does. It doesn't work.

301
00:17:27,948 --> 00:17:29,283
The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

302
00:17:29,366 --> 00:17:31,785
and you just put "brewski" at the
end of "Martina Navratilova," so...

303
00:17:31,869 --> 00:17:33,662
I just thought we
were saying funny names.

304
00:17:33,829 --> 00:17:35,998
No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

305
00:17:36,081 --> 00:17:37,291
Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

306
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,626
If there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

307
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,629
then we would just be
idiots saying nonsense.

308
00:17:51,889 --> 00:17:52,890
Hey.

309
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,516
They found the missing hikers.

310
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,642
They did?

311
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:56,727
Yeah. What happened?

312
00:17:57,186 --> 00:17:58,437
They said they got separated

313
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,063
and one of them had his
foot stuck under a rock

314
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,482
for like, five days.

315
00:18:01,565 --> 00:18:02,983
Wow. Mmm.

316
00:18:03,442 --> 00:18:06,945
You know, if your leg got
trapped under a rock

317
00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:08,530
I'd chew it off
to get you free.

318
00:18:09,531 --> 00:18:10,491
You would?

319
00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:11,658
I sure would.

320
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,202
Is that cannibalism?

321
00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:15,746
No, I think it's only
cannibalism if you swallow.

322
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:16,997
Oh, yeah, no!

323
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,832
Don't worry about that,
because I don't swallow.

324
00:18:19,124 --> 00:18:20,709
Really? 'Cause
that's not what I heard.

325
00:18:20,959 --> 00:18:23,837
Well, it's not true, okay?
I'm a classy broad.

326
00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:24,963
Yeah.

327
00:18:25,422 --> 00:18:27,341
I can see that.

328
00:18:27,424 --> 00:18:29,343
Listen, speaking of classy,

329
00:18:29,426 --> 00:18:31,553
Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

330
00:18:31,637 --> 00:18:34,515
So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

331
00:18:34,598 --> 00:18:36,725
I really don't care,
as long as we're together.

332
00:18:37,309 --> 00:18:38,894
Are you kidding me?

333
00:18:38,977 --> 00:18:40,729
No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.

334
00:18:40,812 --> 00:18:43,106
I'm taking you to
the best place in town.

335
00:18:43,899 --> 00:18:45,317
You know I love you.

336
00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:48,237
I love you, too.
And you're nasty.

337
00:18:48,445 --> 00:18:50,364
Do you want to get nasty?

338
00:18:50,447 --> 00:18:52,491
You're a nasty girl.

339
00:18:57,746 --> 00:18:58,705
I don't understand.

340
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:01,500
Thirty-five years old and you're
still scared of a little thunder.

341
00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:03,126
I am not!

342
00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:07,548
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
Fucking right.

343
00:19:07,631 --> 00:19:09,550
Let's sing the thunder song.
All right.

344
00:19:09,633 --> 00:19:12,803
<i>When you hear the sound
of thunder Don't you get too scared.</i>

345
00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:16,473
<i>Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words.</i>

346
00:19:16,848 --> 00:19:20,185
<i>Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick.</i>

347
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:23,230
<i>You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts.</i>

348
00:19:24,606 --> 00:19:25,607
Ugh!

349
00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:29,403
Hey, Lori, can you set
the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

350
00:19:29,486 --> 00:19:31,196
I've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.

351
00:19:44,459 --> 00:19:45,502
Good morning, Lori.

352
00:19:45,711 --> 00:19:47,296
Good morning.

353
00:19:52,593 --> 00:19:54,386
Okay. You okay
there, sweetheart?

354
00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:56,430
You look a little flustered.

355
00:19:56,513 --> 00:19:57,556
I'm fine, I'm fine,

356
00:19:57,639 --> 00:19:59,808
I just didn't have time for
breakfast and the garage was full,

357
00:19:59,891 --> 00:20:02,060
oh, and that's right, my boyfriend
can't sleep through a thunderstorm

358
00:20:02,144 --> 00:20:03,353
without his teddy bear.

359
00:20:03,729 --> 00:20:05,439
I don't understand why you
keep putting up with him.

360
00:20:05,522 --> 00:20:09,192
Yeah, I mean, the guy's 35, and he's
working for a rental car service.

361
00:20:09,568 --> 00:20:11,111
You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

362
00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:14,281
I don't care about that. I mean,
I'd love him if he was a janitor.

363
00:20:14,364 --> 00:20:17,909
<i>I mean, he has a huge
heart and we laugh a lot.</i>

364
00:20:17,993 --> 00:20:21,288
It's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

365
00:20:21,496 --> 00:20:23,373
I don't know. I just wish he
would get his life together.

366
00:20:23,582 --> 00:20:25,876
Our life. And he can't.

367
00:20:26,001 --> 00:20:28,462
And, I swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

368
00:20:28,629 --> 00:20:31,548
You should give him an ultimatum.
It's you or the bear.

369
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:34,885
No, I can't do that.
That would devastate him.

370
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:38,555
Besides, what if he chose Ted?

371
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:39,890
Well, hello there.

372
00:20:40,057 --> 00:20:42,142
Sorry if I'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

373
00:20:42,225 --> 00:20:43,685
about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

374
00:20:43,769 --> 00:20:45,979
But, Lori, I need to
see you in my office.

375
00:20:46,063 --> 00:20:48,315
Yeah, the thing is, Rex, I have a
lot of work I need to get to...

376
00:20:48,398 --> 00:20:50,984
Oh, this is work, I swear.

377
00:20:52,444 --> 00:20:54,154
Great.

378
00:20:54,571 --> 00:20:56,239
Good luck. Thank you.

379
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:58,617
He's such an asshole.

380
00:20:58,742 --> 00:21:00,619
Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

381
00:21:00,744 --> 00:21:03,664
A hundred bucks says he's showing
her the diving team photo.

382
00:21:04,414 --> 00:21:06,667
Check this out.

383
00:21:06,750 --> 00:21:09,086
That's me on
the high school diving team.

384
00:21:09,169 --> 00:21:11,046
We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

385
00:21:11,296 --> 00:21:12,839
You promised me
this was about work.

386
00:21:12,964 --> 00:21:15,175
Lori, why don't you like me?
Ugh!

387
00:21:15,258 --> 00:21:17,302
I'm rich, I'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

388
00:21:17,386 --> 00:21:19,471
I have a boyfriend.
I have told you this.

389
00:21:19,554 --> 00:21:21,098
Yeah, the guy with the bear.

390
00:21:21,181 --> 00:21:24,267
But I'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

391
00:21:24,434 --> 00:21:27,646
If we were together, our
babies would be spectacular.

392
00:21:27,813 --> 00:21:32,317
With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes and your splash of

393
00:21:33,193 --> 00:21:36,655
dark, beautiful, smoky...

394
00:21:36,905 --> 00:21:38,740
Baltic? Czech?

395
00:21:38,907 --> 00:21:40,283
Goodbye, Rex.

396
00:21:54,548 --> 00:21:55,632
Oh!

397
00:21:55,924 --> 00:21:57,801
Okay, that was perfect.

398
00:21:58,009 --> 00:21:59,594
Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

399
00:21:59,678 --> 00:22:01,221
No, I'm good. Thank you.

400
00:22:01,304 --> 00:22:03,056
Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

401
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:04,283
I want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

402
00:22:04,307 --> 00:22:05,308
Sure.

403
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,560
What are you, five years old?

404
00:22:06,643 --> 00:22:07,644
Yeah.

405
00:22:07,853 --> 00:22:10,063
But I read at a
six-year-old level, so...

406
00:22:11,481 --> 00:22:15,610
Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

407
00:22:15,694 --> 00:22:17,654
and champagne.

408
00:22:17,988 --> 00:22:19,072
Ooh!

409
00:22:19,322 --> 00:22:20,657
Cristal.

410
00:22:20,741 --> 00:22:23,410
It's a special night. We've
been dating for four years.

411
00:22:23,493 --> 00:22:26,121
And hey, all those rich black
people can't be wrong, right?

412
00:22:29,666 --> 00:22:31,543
It doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

413
00:22:32,169 --> 00:22:33,503
No, it doesn't.

414
00:22:33,754 --> 00:22:37,048
You know, you had no business
being out on that dance floor,

415
00:22:37,132 --> 00:22:39,176
but I'm really happy
that you were.

416
00:22:45,515 --> 00:22:47,100
This song is so great.

417
00:22:47,184 --> 00:22:50,228
Oh, yeah. Chris Brown
can do no wrong.

418
00:22:50,645 --> 00:22:52,564
Wow, you can really move.

419
00:22:52,647 --> 00:22:54,858
You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.

420
00:23:01,531 --> 00:23:02,783
Oh, my God!

421
00:23:03,617 --> 00:23:04,951
Are you okay?

422
00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:06,244
Oh, God, I am so sorry.

423
00:23:06,328 --> 00:23:07,496
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

424
00:23:07,579 --> 00:23:10,332
Jesus, I am so sorry. I didn't see you.
It was an accident.

425
00:23:10,415 --> 00:23:11,500
Did you hurt your head?

426
00:23:11,583 --> 00:23:13,210
Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

427
00:23:13,293 --> 00:23:14,878
Oh, man. Here, let
me get you some ice.

428
00:23:19,216 --> 00:23:20,217
Ow!

429
00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:22,844
Sorry, sorry. Does it hurt?

430
00:23:25,806 --> 00:23:28,558
No. It's fine.

431
00:23:30,227 --> 00:23:32,896
Okay, here's a test to see how
much you actually care about me.

432
00:23:33,647 --> 00:23:35,524
You remember that night,
after the club

433
00:23:35,607 --> 00:23:39,444
we went and had late-night eggs
and waffles until about 5:00 A.M.

434
00:23:39,528 --> 00:23:42,489
We watched a movie on the
little TV in the diner.

435
00:23:42,572 --> 00:23:43,907
Name that movie.

436
00:23:44,366 --> 00:23:45,408
<i>Octopussy.</i>

437
00:23:45,617 --> 00:23:48,578
Baby! Gold star.

438
00:23:48,662 --> 00:23:50,956
And, by the way, my
dancing was not that bad.

439
00:23:51,039 --> 00:23:52,874
It was pretty bad.
I have cool moves.

440
00:23:52,958 --> 00:23:54,334
Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

441
00:23:54,417 --> 00:23:55,669
That's not how I remember it.

442
00:23:55,752 --> 00:23:57,087
Okay, how do you remember it?

443
00:24:26,992 --> 00:24:28,952
All right, whatever you say.

444
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:30,412
Hey Yes?

445
00:24:30,495 --> 00:24:31,830
Here's to four more years.

446
00:24:32,163 --> 00:24:33,832
Okay. You make me happy.

447
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:36,209
Now, I know we said
no gifts, but...

448
00:24:36,293 --> 00:24:37,294
We said no such thing.

449
00:24:37,377 --> 00:24:40,213
I got you something anyway, in clear
violation of the "no gift" rule.

450
00:24:40,297 --> 00:24:41,506
We had no such rule.

451
00:24:41,590 --> 00:24:45,010
Lori, I've wanted to give
this to you for a long time.

452
00:24:48,179 --> 00:24:49,431
John”.

453
00:24:55,145 --> 00:24:57,856
Those are the ones you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.

454
00:24:58,982 --> 00:25:00,483
Yeah.

455
00:25:02,527 --> 00:25:04,029
You know, Lori,

456
00:25:04,112 --> 00:25:05,530
someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.

457
00:25:05,947 --> 00:25:08,658
But I want to wait until I get
you something really special.

458
00:25:08,742 --> 00:25:10,577
I just don't have
the money right now.

459
00:25:12,370 --> 00:25:14,956
Look, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

460
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:16,541
You're not going to
have any sort of career

461
00:25:16,666 --> 00:25:18,209
if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

462
00:25:18,293 --> 00:25:19,336
Oh, jeez, here we go.

463
00:25:19,419 --> 00:25:21,046
Baby, please ask Ted
to move out

464
00:25:21,129 --> 00:25:22,505
so we can move on
with our lives.

465
00:25:22,589 --> 00:25:25,133
Lori, look, he's been my best
friend since I was eight.

466
00:25:25,216 --> 00:25:26,843
I was not a popular child.

467
00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:30,221
You have to understand, I had no
friends before he came along.

468
00:25:30,305 --> 00:25:32,641
He's the only reason I ever
gained any fucking confidence.

469
00:25:32,724 --> 00:25:35,769
But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.

470
00:25:35,852 --> 00:25:37,812
And unless you're
too blind to notice,

471
00:25:37,896 --> 00:25:39,814
he's not your
only friend any more.

472
00:25:39,898 --> 00:25:41,441
Can we talk about
this another time,

473
00:25:41,524 --> 00:25:42,943
and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

474
00:25:53,745 --> 00:25:55,288
Oh, shit, hang on a second.

475
00:25:55,705 --> 00:25:57,540
Now my phone fell under
the seat somewhere.

476
00:25:57,624 --> 00:25:58,667
Can you call it?

477
00:25:58,875 --> 00:26:00,085
Yeah.

478
00:26:14,432 --> 00:26:15,892
Is that my ringtone?

479
00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:17,727
Oh, yeah.

480
00:26:18,353 --> 00:26:20,313
What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

481
00:26:20,397 --> 00:26:22,315
<i>No, no, it's from The Notebook.</i>

482
00:26:23,191 --> 00:26:24,234
Oh.

483
00:26:24,818 --> 00:26:26,486
This is going to take
some doing, I think.

484
00:26:26,569 --> 00:26:27,862
I'll just meet
you upstairs then?

485
00:26:27,946 --> 00:26:29,489
Yeah, I'll be right there.

486
00:26:37,539 --> 00:26:38,581
Oh!

487
00:26:38,665 --> 00:26:40,291
Lori, hey, you're home early.

488
00:26:40,375 --> 00:26:42,002
What the hell is this?

489
00:26:42,085 --> 00:26:44,504
<i>The ladies and I were just
watching Jack and Jill.</i>

490
00:26:44,587 --> 00:26:48,508
Adam Sandier plays a guy and his
sister, and it's just awful.

491
00:26:48,591 --> 00:26:49,676
It's unwatchable.

492
00:26:49,759 --> 00:26:51,511
But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

493
00:26:51,594 --> 00:26:54,097
This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

494
00:26:54,222 --> 00:26:55,807
Oh. Where are my manners?

495
00:26:55,974 --> 00:27:00,603
Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly,
Cherene, and Sauvignon Blanc.

496
00:27:00,937 --> 00:27:02,022
I love you girls.

497
00:27:02,105 --> 00:27:04,607
You know, somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers

498
00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:06,735
I wish I could thank
for this great night.

499
00:27:06,818 --> 00:27:08,236
What is that?

500
00:27:08,445 --> 00:27:09,779
What is what?

501
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,407
There is...

502
00:27:12,490 --> 00:27:14,409
a shit on my floor.

503
00:27:14,659 --> 00:27:16,870
In the corner, there is a shit!

504
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,581
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were
playing truth or dare

505
00:27:19,664 --> 00:27:21,499
and Cherene's pretty ballsy.

506
00:27:21,583 --> 00:27:23,460
There is a shit on my floor!

507
00:27:23,543 --> 00:27:28,465
"Or is the floor on the shit?"
is what Kierkegaard would say.

508
00:27:30,467 --> 00:27:32,844
Who lives here? I'm coming
to get whoever lives here.

509
00:27:33,094 --> 00:27:34,429
You owe me lobster money.

510
00:27:34,971 --> 00:27:36,389
That's my buddy, Johnny.

511
00:27:36,473 --> 00:27:38,058
Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

512
00:27:38,475 --> 00:27:40,435
I found my phone.

513
00:27:40,518 --> 00:27:41,561
What's going on?

514
00:27:43,271 --> 00:27:45,482
Is that a shit?

515
00:28:00,997 --> 00:28:03,583
God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

516
00:28:03,833 --> 00:28:06,086
Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.

517
00:28:06,169 --> 00:28:10,715
"I married the wrong woman, and
now I lead a life of regret."

518
00:28:10,799 --> 00:28:11,925
Oh, look at this guy.

519
00:28:12,008 --> 00:28:17,013
"I went to New York once in 1981,
and I just did not feel safe."

520
00:28:18,264 --> 00:28:20,475
Ted, you gotta move out.

521
00:28:22,393 --> 00:28:23,436
What?

522
00:28:23,978 --> 00:28:26,147
It's got to happen.

523
00:28:27,732 --> 00:28:29,859
What did I do?

524
00:28:30,860 --> 00:28:33,822
My relationship is at a very
delicate stage, you know.

525
00:28:35,031 --> 00:28:37,200
Lori and I may just need
a little space right now.

526
00:28:37,742 --> 00:28:40,620
Plus, a hooker took a
shit in our apartment.

527
00:28:40,703 --> 00:28:42,372
Oh, God! Ah, what?

528
00:28:42,455 --> 00:28:43,581
Oh, this is so gross!

529
00:28:43,665 --> 00:28:45,667
Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!
Did you get it?

530
00:28:45,750 --> 00:28:47,627
No, I didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!

531
00:28:47,710 --> 00:28:50,296
Oh, my God,
I got some on my thumb!

532
00:28:50,380 --> 00:28:52,715
No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

533
00:28:52,924 --> 00:28:54,634
Oh, my God! You have to
learn to cook left-handed.

534
00:28:54,717 --> 00:28:56,636
This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

535
00:28:56,719 --> 00:28:58,138
Don't! Get it away from me!

536
00:28:58,221 --> 00:29:00,140
Look, that was a tough
night for all of us.

537
00:29:00,390 --> 00:29:03,935
Ted, you mean everything
to me, and so does Lori.

538
00:29:04,018 --> 00:29:06,980
I'm just trying to find a way
to keep you both in my life.

539
00:29:08,565 --> 00:29:10,441
She's making you
do it, isn't she?

540
00:29:11,025 --> 00:29:12,110
Yes.

541
00:29:12,193 --> 00:29:15,363
But that doesn't mean we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.

542
00:29:15,822 --> 00:29:18,408
Yeah, but what about "thunder
buddies for life," Johnny?

543
00:29:18,491 --> 00:29:20,994
I know. I just don't
know what to do, here.

544
00:29:21,077 --> 00:29:25,039
I know it sucks, but otherwise
I'm going to lose her.

545
00:29:25,165 --> 00:29:26,708
And I do love her, Ted.

546
00:29:27,333 --> 00:29:28,960
I know you do, Johnny.

547
00:29:29,210 --> 00:29:31,379
I'll help you get on your
feet out there, I promise.

548
00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:33,756
I know. And we'll hang
out all the time, right?

549
00:29:33,923 --> 00:29:35,341
All the time.

550
00:29:35,550 --> 00:29:37,218
Fuck it. Bring it in. Come here.

551
00:29:37,302 --> 00:29:39,220
Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

552
00:29:39,762 --> 00:29:41,014
<i>I love you!</i>

553
00:29:41,264 --> 00:29:43,975
Fuck. Shit, sorry, that's
the thing from the...

554
00:29:44,142 --> 00:29:45,977
The old... Yeah, yeah.

555
00:29:46,060 --> 00:29:47,478
I'm not gay. I know.

556
00:29:47,562 --> 00:29:49,689
And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

557
00:29:50,899 --> 00:29:53,359
We gotta get you a job.

558
00:29:54,736 --> 00:29:55,820
I look stupid.

559
00:29:55,904 --> 00:29:57,113
No you don't. You look dapper.

560
00:29:57,197 --> 00:29:59,574
I don't. I look like
Snuggle's accountant.

561
00:29:59,657 --> 00:30:00,950
Come on, it's not that bad.

562
00:30:01,034 --> 00:30:02,410
John, I look like something
you give your kid

563
00:30:02,493 --> 00:30:03,995
when you tell him Grandma died.

564
00:30:04,162 --> 00:30:06,039
Look, I know it sucks, okay?

565
00:30:06,122 --> 00:30:07,165
But you've got
to make some money

566
00:30:07,248 --> 00:30:08,291
so you can pay
for an apartment.

567
00:30:08,374 --> 00:30:10,418
I don't want to work
at a grocery store.

568
00:30:10,501 --> 00:30:11,878
Yeah, but you have no skills.

569
00:30:12,045 --> 00:30:14,047
I told you,
I can totally be a lawyer.

570
00:30:14,464 --> 00:30:17,383
You get the job, we're
celebrating after, okay?

571
00:30:17,842 --> 00:30:19,219
Uh-huh. And if I
don't get the job,

572
00:30:19,302 --> 00:30:20,637
are we still going to
smoke that pot?

573
00:30:20,970 --> 00:30:22,138
Probably, yes.

574
00:30:22,263 --> 00:30:24,224
Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.

575
00:30:24,307 --> 00:30:25,308
All right, buddy, go get 'em.

576
00:30:26,309 --> 00:30:28,186
And don't worry,
I'll do my very best

577
00:30:28,269 --> 00:30:30,396
to get this job
that I so crave.

578
00:30:31,356 --> 00:30:33,066
So you think you
got what it takes?

579
00:30:33,233 --> 00:30:36,277
I'll tell you what I got. Your
wife's pussy on my breath.

580
00:30:38,404 --> 00:30:40,657
Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

581
00:30:40,823 --> 00:30:44,118
That's 'cause everyone's mouth is
usually full of your wife's box.

582
00:30:46,329 --> 00:30:47,455
You're hired.

583
00:30:47,705 --> 00:30:48,790
Shit.

584
00:31:34,752 --> 00:31:38,381
Well, I am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

585
00:31:38,464 --> 00:31:41,217
<i>This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.</i>

586
00:31:41,301 --> 00:31:43,511
All day, every day. Just awful.

587
00:31:43,594 --> 00:31:45,888
They must feel awful. The
live ones must feel awful.

588
00:31:45,972 --> 00:31:47,056
Come on.
It's not that bad, okay?

589
00:31:47,140 --> 00:31:49,600
I got a shitty job, and I
assure you, I am quite content.

590
00:31:49,767 --> 00:31:50,977
Excuse me.

591
00:31:51,144 --> 00:31:52,312
I'm sorry to bother you

592
00:31:52,395 --> 00:31:56,399
but my son and I couldn't help
but admire your teddy bear.

593
00:31:56,899 --> 00:31:58,318
Oh, thank you. Thanks.

594
00:31:58,401 --> 00:32:01,487
Yeah. I'm Donny,
this is Robert.

595
00:32:01,654 --> 00:32:04,407
I have to say, I've been following
you ever since I was a young boy

596
00:32:05,575 --> 00:32:08,244
and I remember seeing you
on the Carson show.

597
00:32:08,411 --> 00:32:09,746
You were just wonderful.

598
00:32:09,912 --> 00:32:12,248
Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

599
00:32:12,332 --> 00:32:15,752
Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept
muttering anti-Semitic comments.

600
00:32:15,918 --> 00:32:17,879
He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

601
00:32:17,962 --> 00:32:19,630
Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

602
00:32:19,922 --> 00:32:20,923
What? Excuse me?

603
00:32:21,007 --> 00:32:22,216
I want it.

604
00:32:22,300 --> 00:32:24,552
I'm not an "it," pal.
I'm a "he," all right?

605
00:32:25,094 --> 00:32:27,055
I'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

606
00:32:27,138 --> 00:32:29,015
See, I've had him
since I was about your age.

607
00:32:29,098 --> 00:32:30,808
He's very, very special to me.

608
00:32:30,892 --> 00:32:33,144
Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

609
00:32:33,478 --> 00:32:35,188
Why the fuck would he say that?

610
00:32:35,271 --> 00:32:38,274
Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

611
00:32:38,358 --> 00:32:40,109
Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

612
00:32:40,234 --> 00:32:41,819
If you want to make
some sort of arrangement

613
00:32:41,903 --> 00:32:43,613
here's my address
and phone number.

614
00:32:43,780 --> 00:32:46,032
And you can call me
any time, okay?

615
00:32:46,115 --> 00:32:47,158
Will do.

616
00:32:47,325 --> 00:32:50,203
Here it goes, in the really important
pocket for really important stuff.

617
00:32:50,286 --> 00:32:51,913
Okay? Okay.

618
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,748
Okay. See you later.

619
00:32:53,831 --> 00:32:54,832
Come on, Robert.

620
00:32:54,916 --> 00:32:55,917
Take it easy.

621
00:32:56,084 --> 00:32:57,126
What the fuck?

622
00:32:57,293 --> 00:32:59,253
Can you imagine what that
little shit would do to me?

623
00:32:59,337 --> 00:33:01,214
I could totally see him just
taking you down to the basement

624
00:33:01,297 --> 00:33:02,840
and really slowly
de-limbing you

625
00:33:02,924 --> 00:33:05,259
while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

626
00:33:05,635 --> 00:33:08,054
<i>Oh, my little sixpence
My pretty little sixpence.</i>

627
00:33:08,137 --> 00:33:10,014
Stop it. Knock it off.

628
00:33:10,098 --> 00:33:11,599
<i>I love my sixpence
Better than my life.</i>

629
00:33:11,682 --> 00:33:13,559
Stop it! Fuck! Why you got
to take it to that place?

630
00:33:13,643 --> 00:33:16,187
You took it to a very... Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

631
00:33:16,270 --> 00:33:17,438
Come on. Take it easy.

632
00:33:17,522 --> 00:33:20,483
All right, look, let's just find
a better place to get stoned.

633
00:33:42,338 --> 00:33:43,965
I guess this is it, huh?

634
00:33:44,132 --> 00:33:46,426
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

635
00:33:46,592 --> 00:33:47,718
First night on your own.

636
00:33:48,052 --> 00:33:51,180
Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.

637
00:33:51,806 --> 00:33:53,349
It'll be great
when it's furnished.

638
00:33:53,516 --> 00:33:55,893
Yeah, and the guy said it ain't
hardly had no murders in it.

639
00:33:55,977 --> 00:33:57,895
So, that's good.

640
00:33:58,729 --> 00:34:01,566
Okay, so,
if you need anything...

641
00:34:01,732 --> 00:34:05,361
Yeah, I know. Don't worry,
Johnny, I'll be fine.

642
00:34:06,237 --> 00:34:08,239
I know you will.

643
00:34:09,031 --> 00:34:10,158
All right.

644
00:34:35,892 --> 00:34:37,268
Hey there.

645
00:34:37,351 --> 00:34:38,394
Hey.

646
00:34:38,478 --> 00:34:40,062
Hi. Hi.

647
00:34:42,398 --> 00:34:46,027
Listen, I just want
to say thank you.

648
00:34:46,944 --> 00:34:50,406
I know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

649
00:34:50,907 --> 00:34:54,327
and I just want you to know
that I love you for it,

650
00:34:54,410 --> 00:34:58,247
and I think it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

651
00:34:58,623 --> 00:35:01,334
Hey, anything for you.

652
00:35:01,417 --> 00:35:03,878
This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

653
00:35:03,961 --> 00:35:06,631
so you better get used to him.

654
00:35:06,714 --> 00:35:07,757
Really?

655
00:35:08,716 --> 00:35:10,927
Well, you know,

656
00:35:11,010 --> 00:35:14,680
I don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

657
00:35:15,431 --> 00:35:17,058
Well, that's perfect.

658
00:35:17,141 --> 00:35:19,018
Because I'm only
going to need one.

659
00:35:22,104 --> 00:35:24,440
You know what my favorite
thing about you is?

660
00:35:24,774 --> 00:35:29,445
That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

661
00:35:30,780 --> 00:35:34,867
To step up and change such
a huge part of your life

662
00:35:34,951 --> 00:35:37,662
just to make your
girlfriend happier...

663
00:35:38,204 --> 00:35:40,790
I don't know, I guess most
guys wouldn't do that.

664
00:35:40,957 --> 00:35:44,293
Well, most guys don't have
you to motivate them.

665
00:35:46,671 --> 00:35:49,423
I know I'm not
a talking teddy bear,

666
00:35:50,675 --> 00:35:53,511
but at least you didn't have to
make a magical wish to get me.

667
00:35:54,220 --> 00:35:55,680
How do you know?

668
00:36:06,816 --> 00:36:07,900
Oh.

669
00:36:08,109 --> 00:36:09,902
Is that a Flash Gordon ray gun,

670
00:36:09,986 --> 00:36:11,737
or are you just
happy to see me?

671
00:36:19,245 --> 00:36:20,746
There we go.

672
00:36:21,205 --> 00:36:25,042
Thank you very much, please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.

673
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:32,592
Hey, Ellen.

674
00:36:32,675 --> 00:36:33,676
Yeah?

675
00:36:33,968 --> 00:36:35,011
Who's that over there?

676
00:36:36,762 --> 00:36:38,097
That's the new checkout girl.

677
00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:39,849
Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

678
00:36:40,016 --> 00:36:43,102
Yeah, very cute. Do you know
what I'd like to do to her?

679
00:36:43,269 --> 00:36:45,104
Something I call
a Dirty Fozzie.

680
00:37:19,013 --> 00:37:21,515
Okay, all right, so that's
where we'll draw the line.

681
00:37:25,895 --> 00:37:27,480
Hey, how are you holding up?

682
00:37:28,397 --> 00:37:31,692
Oh, I'm all right. I'm just getting
used to things, that's all.

683
00:37:32,193 --> 00:37:33,235
It's going to be all right.

684
00:37:33,694 --> 00:37:36,781
I actually went through something
like this with my last boyfriend.

685
00:37:36,864 --> 00:37:38,282
Really? Yeah.

686
00:37:39,033 --> 00:37:42,912
We were together for eight
months, and I really loved him.

687
00:37:43,079 --> 00:37:45,956
And then he got
deported back to Iran,

688
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:47,500
so I know what
you're going through.

689
00:37:47,917 --> 00:37:52,254
Oh, yeah. So, I guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

690
00:37:52,922 --> 00:37:53,964
We sure did.

691
00:37:59,595 --> 00:38:01,263
Hey, Ted. Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

692
00:38:01,347 --> 00:38:02,598
You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

693
00:38:03,099 --> 00:38:04,558
Well, I could probably
stop by after work.

694
00:38:04,642 --> 00:38:07,269
Fuck that I traded off yesterday
so I got the other shift.

695
00:38:07,353 --> 00:38:09,939
Come on, I'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.

696
00:38:10,022 --> 00:38:11,607
I cannot just ditch work, man.

697
00:38:11,732 --> 00:38:12,848
Look, I'm trying to
get my shit together

698
00:38:12,858 --> 00:38:14,652
and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

699
00:38:14,819 --> 00:38:17,071
John, five minutes and then
I'll kick you out, I promise.

700
00:38:17,154 --> 00:38:20,241
Just come over. I got
the Cheers DVD box set

701
00:38:20,324 --> 00:38:21,867
and the guy down
at the store told me

702
00:38:21,951 --> 00:38:24,328
that everybody talks shit about
each other in the interviews.

703
00:38:25,454 --> 00:38:26,539
You'll kick me out in five?

704
00:38:26,622 --> 00:38:29,041
I will kick you out in five.
John, I have to kick you out.

705
00:38:29,125 --> 00:38:32,628
I have so much teddy bear paperwork
I have to get to, it is sick.

706
00:38:32,795 --> 00:38:34,171
What do I tell Thomas?

707
00:38:34,255 --> 00:38:35,631
<i>Just tell him you
don't feel well.</i>

708
00:38:36,132 --> 00:38:37,883
I gotta cut out for a bit.

709
00:38:37,967 --> 00:38:39,343
Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

710
00:38:39,427 --> 00:38:40,761
and I guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

711
00:38:41,053 --> 00:38:42,096
Oh, my God!

712
00:38:42,179 --> 00:38:43,889
Yeah, that's the way she is.

713
00:38:43,973 --> 00:38:45,433
She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

714
00:38:45,516 --> 00:38:48,060
and I guess one of these dogs
clamped his jaws on her forearm

715
00:38:48,144 --> 00:38:49,895
and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

716
00:38:49,979 --> 00:38:52,148
and stuck his finger
in his ass.

717
00:38:52,940 --> 00:38:53,941
Oh, Jesus.

718
00:38:54,024 --> 00:38:55,317
Yeah, she's pretty shook up.

719
00:38:55,609 --> 00:38:57,236
Up the dog's ass, right?

720
00:38:57,319 --> 00:38:58,946
Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

721
00:38:59,029 --> 00:39:01,449
I thought the fireman stuck his
own finger up his own ass.

722
00:39:01,532 --> 00:39:03,284
No, I don't think a
firefighter would do that.

723
00:39:03,367 --> 00:39:05,411
Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

724
00:39:05,494 --> 00:39:06,996
Thank you. Go.

725
00:39:10,291 --> 00:39:14,003
<i>Woody Harrelson. Smallest
dick I've ever seen on a man.</i>

726
00:39:16,380 --> 00:39:17,882
See, that's why
I watch these things.

727
00:39:17,965 --> 00:39:20,342
That's like a cool behind-the-scenes
thing that you wouldn't know.

728
00:39:20,676 --> 00:39:22,303
Oh, hey, listen, try this.

729
00:39:22,386 --> 00:39:24,597
I told my weed guy to step
it up and he gave me that.

730
00:39:25,014 --> 00:39:26,056
What is it?

731
00:39:26,140 --> 00:39:28,559
It's called "Mind Rape."
It's actually pretty mellow.

732
00:39:29,018 --> 00:39:30,269
It doesn't sound very mellow.

733
00:39:30,352 --> 00:39:32,271
Well, he only had
three other batches.

734
00:39:32,354 --> 00:39:33,647
"Gorilla Panic,."

735
00:39:33,731 --> 00:39:35,608
"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

736
00:39:35,691 --> 00:39:37,485
and something called,
"This is Permanent."

737
00:39:37,568 --> 00:39:38,569
Go on, spark it up.

738
00:39:45,701 --> 00:39:47,620
There you go. You got it.

739
00:39:48,913 --> 00:39:52,082
Nice. Good, huh? Good job.

740
00:39:53,125 --> 00:39:55,127
Yeah. Take pride in that.

741
00:39:55,628 --> 00:39:56,921
You know,
this place looks great.

742
00:39:57,046 --> 00:39:58,839
Thanks, man, it's all IKEA.

743
00:39:58,923 --> 00:40:00,382
Did the whole place for $47.

744
00:40:00,716 --> 00:40:02,301
Nice. Yeah.

745
00:40:02,384 --> 00:40:03,844
How are the neighbors?

746
00:40:04,386 --> 00:40:06,347
You know, there's an Asian
family living next door

747
00:40:06,430 --> 00:40:08,641
but they don't have a gong or
nothing, so it's not too bad.

748
00:40:08,724 --> 00:40:10,559
That's lucky. Yeah, it is.

749
00:40:10,935 --> 00:40:12,603
How's work? It sucks.

750
00:40:13,229 --> 00:40:14,188
You?

751
00:40:14,271 --> 00:40:15,397
You know, not bad actually.

752
00:40:15,481 --> 00:40:16,941
I met a girl. She's a cashier.

753
00:40:17,107 --> 00:40:18,651
No way, that's awesome! Yeah.

754
00:40:18,734 --> 00:40:20,402
Well, we should fucking
double-date, or something.

755
00:40:20,486 --> 00:40:22,112
You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

756
00:40:22,196 --> 00:40:23,697
White trash name. Guess.

757
00:40:24,740 --> 00:40:26,242
Mandy? No.

758
00:40:27,076 --> 00:40:28,244
Marilyn? No.

759
00:40:28,410 --> 00:40:30,246
Britney? Tiffany? No. No.

760
00:40:30,412 --> 00:40:31,497
Candice? No.

761
00:40:31,580 --> 00:40:33,207
Don't fuck with me on this.
I know this shit!

762
00:40:33,332 --> 00:40:35,000
Do you see me fucking with you?
All right, speed round.

763
00:40:35,084 --> 00:40:36,293
I'm going to
rattle off some names

764
00:40:36,377 --> 00:40:37,503
and when I hit it,
fucking buzz it.

765
00:40:37,586 --> 00:40:38,796
I will tell you. You got me?

766
00:40:38,963 --> 00:40:40,089
All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

767
00:40:40,172 --> 00:40:41,382
Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

768
00:40:41,465 --> 00:40:42,633
Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal,

769
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:44,677
Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

770
00:40:44,844 --> 00:40:47,096
Lauren, Charlene, Chantal,
Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista,

771
00:40:47,263 --> 00:40:49,056
Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

772
00:40:49,223 --> 00:40:50,808
Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

773
00:40:50,975 --> 00:40:52,977
Savannah, Kasey, Dolly, Kendra,
Carla, Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

774
00:40:53,143 --> 00:40:54,562
Fucking Becky? No.

775
00:40:55,271 --> 00:40:57,773
Wait, was it any one of those
names with a "Lynn" after it?

776
00:40:57,982 --> 00:40:59,024
Yes.

777
00:40:59,108 --> 00:41:00,317
I got you, motherfucker.

778
00:41:00,442 --> 00:41:01,902
I got you. Okay.

779
00:41:02,069 --> 00:41:03,696
Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn, Channing...
Tami-Lynn.

780
00:41:03,779 --> 00:41:04,864
Fuck!

781
00:41:08,409 --> 00:41:09,410
What the hell?

782
00:41:09,493 --> 00:41:11,704
Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

783
00:41:11,787 --> 00:41:13,414
There's, like,
1,000 people here.

784
00:41:13,497 --> 00:41:15,708
There's supposed to be
three registers open.

785
00:41:15,791 --> 00:41:17,459
For God's sakes.

786
00:41:30,806 --> 00:41:33,475
Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

787
00:41:34,310 --> 00:41:36,896
You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

788
00:41:36,979 --> 00:41:39,815
on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

789
00:41:39,982 --> 00:41:42,234
I fucked her with
a parsnip last week

790
00:41:42,318 --> 00:41:45,696
and I sold the parsnip to a
family with four small children.

791
00:41:46,488 --> 00:41:50,117
That took guts. We need guts.

792
00:41:50,284 --> 00:41:51,994
I'm promoting you.

793
00:41:52,661 --> 00:41:54,830
You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

794
00:42:08,260 --> 00:42:09,386
All right, Kareem!

795
00:42:10,638 --> 00:42:12,514
Ah! You suck, Kareem.

796
00:42:19,063 --> 00:42:20,397
Hello?

797
00:42:24,276 --> 00:42:25,361
Huh.

798
00:42:28,906 --> 00:42:30,366
Hey, Ted.

799
00:42:32,409 --> 00:42:34,370
Hey there, fella. How are you?

800
00:42:35,287 --> 00:42:36,747
Are you out here all alone?

801
00:42:37,039 --> 00:42:39,041
Uh, no, no, I'm not.

802
00:42:39,750 --> 00:42:42,127
You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

803
00:42:42,211 --> 00:42:44,505
So, no, I'm not alone.

804
00:42:44,588 --> 00:42:47,424
Yeah. Me, too.

805
00:42:50,511 --> 00:42:53,722
You know, Robert and I could
give you a very, very good home.

806
00:42:53,889 --> 00:42:56,100
Yeah, I'm pretty happy
where I am.

807
00:42:56,183 --> 00:42:57,559
I just got
a shitty new apartment...

808
00:42:57,726 --> 00:43:00,521
I can offer you
$6,000 in rail road bonds.

809
00:43:01,188 --> 00:43:03,107
Well, you know,
since I just returned

810
00:43:03,190 --> 00:43:04,900
from active duty
in the Civil War

811
00:43:04,984 --> 00:43:06,360
that actually
sounds very appealing.

812
00:43:06,443 --> 00:43:07,653
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

813
00:43:07,736 --> 00:43:10,906
That was 150 years ago
and I don't give a shit.

814
00:43:11,407 --> 00:43:12,616
Okay.

815
00:43:15,035 --> 00:43:17,746
Teddy, come on, we're going to be
late for dinner with your friends.

816
00:43:17,830 --> 00:43:19,331
Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

817
00:43:19,415 --> 00:43:21,667
As you can see, my dance
card is quite full.

818
00:43:21,750 --> 00:43:23,419
So, I'm going to
have to decline.

819
00:43:23,585 --> 00:43:24,878
Can I just get a hug?

820
00:43:25,254 --> 00:43:27,214
Oh, uh. No.

821
00:43:27,381 --> 00:43:28,924
Yeah. No, no.

822
00:43:29,091 --> 00:43:32,094
And it kills me to have to tell you
no, because I'm a people pleaser.

823
00:43:32,261 --> 00:43:33,345
Yeah.

824
00:43:33,512 --> 00:43:35,389
Thank you for
creeping up my night.

825
00:43:35,556 --> 00:43:37,182
And Jesus be with you... Okay.

826
00:43:37,266 --> 00:43:38,267
In Christ.

827
00:43:39,893 --> 00:43:41,270
Who was that guy?

828
00:43:41,353 --> 00:43:43,063
That was Sinead O'Connor.

829
00:43:43,147 --> 00:43:44,440
She don't look so good no more.

830
00:43:49,445 --> 00:43:51,405
How great is this? The
four of us out to dinner.

831
00:43:51,488 --> 00:43:53,282
How long have we been saying
we were going to...

832
00:43:53,449 --> 00:43:56,160
Lori, how you doing? I haven't
talked to you in forever.

833
00:43:56,243 --> 00:43:58,037
I'm good. I'm good.

834
00:43:58,120 --> 00:44:00,706
The company's having their 20th
anniversary party next week.

835
00:44:00,789 --> 00:44:02,374
So, that's something.

836
00:44:02,666 --> 00:44:04,752
Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.

837
00:44:04,835 --> 00:44:06,587
It's not that big of a deal.

838
00:44:06,670 --> 00:44:07,880
Company's turning 20, huh?

839
00:44:07,963 --> 00:44:10,007
So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

840
00:44:10,549 --> 00:44:12,968
Right? Yeah, she gets it.

841
00:44:13,052 --> 00:44:15,429
She enjoys my humor.

842
00:44:16,013 --> 00:44:18,015
Yeah, Rex is having
a house party

843
00:44:18,140 --> 00:44:20,434
but I'm surprised John
didn't tell you, considering

844
00:44:20,517 --> 00:44:23,395
you two have seen each other every
single day since you moved out.

845
00:44:24,063 --> 00:44:27,316
You know, it's funny, because
whenever Johnny and I hang out

846
00:44:27,399 --> 00:44:29,651
the first item
on our agenda is,

847
00:44:29,735 --> 00:44:30,944
"What's going on with Lori?"

848
00:44:31,111 --> 00:44:33,155
So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

849
00:44:33,238 --> 00:44:34,408
That must have
slipped through the cracks.

850
00:44:34,448 --> 00:44:35,908
Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

851
00:44:35,991 --> 00:44:37,785
Yeah, you remember the
other day, I was saying

852
00:44:37,868 --> 00:44:40,287
how great Lori's
hair always looks.

853
00:44:40,579 --> 00:44:42,539
Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

854
00:44:42,623 --> 00:44:44,500
I always want to
fucking brush it.

855
00:44:44,583 --> 00:44:45,793
Right, Johnny? I say that.

856
00:44:48,712 --> 00:44:50,214
So, Tami-Lynn,

857
00:44:50,297 --> 00:44:52,633
why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

858
00:44:52,716 --> 00:44:53,842
Like, where are you from?

859
00:44:53,926 --> 00:44:56,595
I'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

860
00:44:57,012 --> 00:44:58,597
What do you mean "girlfriends"?

861
00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:00,349
Was there a lot of them
or something?

862
00:45:00,516 --> 00:45:02,893
No, that's not what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

863
00:45:03,018 --> 00:45:04,353
Lori, you didn't mean that.
No, no, no.

864
00:45:04,728 --> 00:45:06,522
What I meant to say
was Ted's very handsome

865
00:45:06,897 --> 00:45:08,524
so I'm always
interested in meeting

866
00:45:08,607 --> 00:45:10,442
the lady that
can snatch him up.

867
00:45:11,068 --> 00:45:12,277
Did you just call me a whore?

868
00:45:12,361 --> 00:45:13,362
What?

869
00:45:13,529 --> 00:45:15,906
You just worry about your own
"snatch." How about that, honey?

870
00:45:15,989 --> 00:45:16,990
Whoa! VVhoa! VVhoa!

871
00:45:17,074 --> 00:45:18,992
What the hell happened? We're
having a friendly meal here.

872
00:45:19,076 --> 00:45:20,160
This was a nice evening.

873
00:45:20,244 --> 00:45:21,286
Don't talk shit to me.

874
00:45:21,453 --> 00:45:22,830
I just asked you a question.

875
00:45:22,913 --> 00:45:24,373
You know,
you're a freaking snob.

876
00:45:24,540 --> 00:45:25,791
You think you're
cool because you work

877
00:45:25,874 --> 00:45:27,501
at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

878
00:45:27,584 --> 00:45:29,711
Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.

879
00:45:29,795 --> 00:45:32,047
Me? It's not my fault
she can't speak English.

880
00:45:32,131 --> 00:45:33,257
Oh, fuck you!

881
00:45:33,340 --> 00:45:35,509
Just because you're on the business
world and shit you think, what,

882
00:45:35,592 --> 00:45:37,219
everybody should suck your
asshole, or something?

883
00:45:37,344 --> 00:45:39,638
Okay. All right, Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.

884
00:45:39,721 --> 00:45:42,015
We'll go back to my place for a
couple of vodka and strawberry Quiks.

885
00:45:42,099 --> 00:45:43,851
You know what?
I gave birth once, bitch.

886
00:45:43,934 --> 00:45:45,227
I could kick your fucking ass.

887
00:45:45,519 --> 00:45:47,604
And you better never show your
face around Quincy, you hear me?

888
00:45:47,688 --> 00:45:48,856
Okay, come on. Ever!

889
00:45:48,939 --> 00:45:50,566
I didn't know you had a baby.
Is it alive?

890
00:45:52,401 --> 00:45:53,569
What a cunt.

891
00:45:53,735 --> 00:45:55,362
Ow! I hate that word!

892
00:45:55,445 --> 00:45:56,530
What? That word.

893
00:45:56,613 --> 00:45:58,115
It's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

894
00:45:58,198 --> 00:45:59,324
slashing
everything in its path.

895
00:45:59,408 --> 00:46:00,659
Why would you say that?

896
00:46:00,742 --> 00:46:02,536
You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

897
00:46:02,744 --> 00:46:04,246
I'm trying to
walk a line, here.

898
00:46:04,329 --> 00:46:05,622
I want to be fair to you
and to him, you know?

899
00:46:05,706 --> 00:46:07,541
I think you're being a
little more fair to him.

900
00:46:07,624 --> 00:46:08,750
Oh, come on.

901
00:46:09,877 --> 00:46:13,255
You know, your boss called this
morning asking me how my arm was.

902
00:46:14,131 --> 00:46:15,132
Huh?

903
00:46:15,257 --> 00:46:18,427
Yeah, because of that dog fight
that I tried to break up.

904
00:46:19,178 --> 00:46:20,262
Oh.

905
00:46:20,679 --> 00:46:21,847
If I had to make a guess

906
00:46:21,930 --> 00:46:24,141
I would say that you made
up some bullshit excuse

907
00:46:24,224 --> 00:46:25,601
to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

908
00:46:25,684 --> 00:46:28,061
Now, am I right?

909
00:46:29,605 --> 00:46:30,772
I made you out to be a hero.

910
00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:32,191
You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

911
00:46:32,274 --> 00:46:33,817
so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

912
00:46:34,067 --> 00:46:35,944
You're not giving
anything a chance

913
00:46:36,069 --> 00:46:38,614
if you keep blowing off work to
get high with your teddy bear.

914
00:46:39,990 --> 00:46:41,617
You're right.

915
00:46:42,326 --> 00:46:44,411
I've been getting stoned too much.
I know that.

916
00:46:44,578 --> 00:46:47,831
I've been bumming around with Ted too much.
I know that, too.

917
00:46:47,915 --> 00:46:50,167
You give me one more chance,
I promise I can fix it.

918
00:46:51,251 --> 00:46:54,880
John, I need a man. Not a
little boy with a teddy bear.

919
00:46:54,963 --> 00:46:58,217
I know, done. Man. Right here,
in front of you, all right?

920
00:46:58,300 --> 00:47:00,886
Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.

921
00:47:00,969 --> 00:47:03,430
Look at the hair on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

922
00:47:04,514 --> 00:47:06,475
I just farted.
That was a man fart.

923
00:47:13,649 --> 00:47:18,028
Fine, John, but this is, I swear
to God, your last chance.

924
00:47:18,487 --> 00:47:19,821
Trust me. I love you.

925
00:47:20,155 --> 00:47:21,490
All right, I love you.

926
00:47:21,657 --> 00:47:23,867
I love you so much. You
won't be sorry, I swear.

927
00:47:24,826 --> 00:47:26,161
Did you really just fart?

928
00:47:26,328 --> 00:47:28,413
Yeah, but I pushed it
that way with my hand.

929
00:47:29,331 --> 00:47:31,124
I wonder who it's
going to hit first.

930
00:47:31,208 --> 00:47:33,043
So, if I told him once,
I told him a million times

931
00:47:33,168 --> 00:47:36,004
these numbers do not add up.

932
00:47:36,088 --> 00:47:37,965
Who did this to us?

933
00:47:38,048 --> 00:47:41,468
God damn it!
I'm here on business!

934
00:47:45,555 --> 00:47:47,224
All right, here we go.

935
00:47:50,519 --> 00:47:51,937
I'm really glad that you came.

936
00:47:52,020 --> 00:47:53,272
Me, too. Yeah?

937
00:47:53,355 --> 00:47:55,399
Is it okay if I
kick your boss's ass?

938
00:47:55,482 --> 00:47:57,442
That won't affect your
workplace chemistry, will it?

939
00:47:57,526 --> 00:47:59,111
Please play nice.

940
00:47:59,194 --> 00:48:00,362
For you, I will.

941
00:48:00,445 --> 00:48:01,905
Thank you. Anything.

942
00:48:04,658 --> 00:48:07,327
There she is. I was worried
you weren't coming.

943
00:48:07,411 --> 00:48:09,830
Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?

944
00:48:10,330 --> 00:48:11,331
He's a bear.

945
00:48:11,415 --> 00:48:14,835
Got it. Oh, my God! This
house is fucking huge!

946
00:48:14,918 --> 00:48:17,379
I know. Try not to get lost.
Come on in.

947
00:48:28,807 --> 00:48:30,892
Wow! Here are the ladies.

948
00:48:31,059 --> 00:48:33,895
Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.

949
00:48:34,062 --> 00:48:36,106
A little heavy on the eye
makeup, but pretty good.

950
00:48:36,273 --> 00:48:37,357
Thank you, Rex. Thank you.

951
00:48:37,441 --> 00:48:38,483
You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

952
00:48:38,567 --> 00:48:39,609
John.

953
00:48:39,693 --> 00:48:40,986
- You guys remember John.
- Hi.

954
00:48:41,236 --> 00:48:45,282
Listen, why don't John and I
go get a drink at the bar?

955
00:48:45,907 --> 00:48:46,950
Sure.

956
00:48:47,034 --> 00:48:49,494
Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.

957
00:48:50,912 --> 00:48:52,748
It's an old sweater, huh?

958
00:48:53,790 --> 00:48:55,834
This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

959
00:48:55,917 --> 00:48:58,545
I just barely outbid Phil
Donahue for that at auction.

960
00:48:58,628 --> 00:48:59,671
Wow, cool.

961
00:48:59,755 --> 00:49:01,715
Yeah, cool.

962
00:49:01,798 --> 00:49:04,926
These boxing gloves were worn by
Joe Louis in his first fight.

963
00:49:05,969 --> 00:49:08,013
This is art. Get it?

964
00:49:10,766 --> 00:49:12,517
These were
John Lennon's glasses.

965
00:49:12,601 --> 00:49:14,394
They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

966
00:49:14,478 --> 00:49:15,979
That's me and Tom Skerritt.

967
00:49:16,271 --> 00:49:17,230
Oh.

968
00:49:17,314 --> 00:49:18,774
Check this out.

969
00:49:19,941 --> 00:49:22,110
It's Lance Armstrong's nut.

970
00:49:22,194 --> 00:49:23,945
I had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

971
00:49:24,613 --> 00:49:26,073
Every now and then
when my life's

972
00:49:26,156 --> 00:49:28,367
getting me down
and things are tough,

973
00:49:28,533 --> 00:49:31,495
I just come up here
and I look at it.

974
00:49:32,788 --> 00:49:36,333
And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

975
00:49:38,210 --> 00:49:40,170
Sometimes you feel like a nut.

976
00:49:41,129 --> 00:49:42,756
Sometimes you don't.

977
00:49:44,424 --> 00:49:48,053
So, talk to me, Johnny Quest. How
are things with you and Lori?

978
00:49:48,136 --> 00:49:49,638
Things are great, actually.

979
00:49:49,721 --> 00:49:51,973
That's great. That is great.

980
00:49:53,392 --> 00:49:56,019
You know, Lori would
hate me for saying this,

981
00:49:56,103 --> 00:49:58,313
but she told me how
you are at the office.

982
00:49:58,480 --> 00:50:00,148
And, as one gentleman to
another, I just want to say

983
00:50:00,232 --> 00:50:02,484
I really hope you fucking
get Lou Gehrig's disease.

984
00:50:05,987 --> 00:50:08,323
I think I need to clear
the air here a little.

985
00:50:08,490 --> 00:50:11,660
Yeah, I'm kind of a
fun-time boss and what-not.

986
00:50:11,827 --> 00:50:14,746
But, look, man, I do that
with everybody at the office.

987
00:50:14,830 --> 00:50:15,997
I'm a kook.

988
00:50:16,081 --> 00:50:18,125
I have no designs
on your girlfriend.

989
00:50:18,208 --> 00:50:20,252
We work together,
and that's it.

990
00:50:20,377 --> 00:50:24,172
I think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

991
00:50:25,841 --> 00:50:27,134
Well, that's good to hear.

992
00:50:27,217 --> 00:50:28,427
Yeah.

993
00:50:30,387 --> 00:50:31,430
Excuse me.

994
00:50:32,305 --> 00:50:33,306
Hey, Ted.

995
00:50:33,390 --> 00:50:35,600
<i>Johnny, where are you? You
got to get over here, man.</i>

996
00:50:35,684 --> 00:50:36,685
Why, what's going on?

997
00:50:36,768 --> 00:50:38,103
Okay, so I'm having
a little impromptu thing

998
00:50:38,186 --> 00:50:39,521
with some people
at my apartment.

999
00:50:39,604 --> 00:50:41,898
And, John, Sam Jones is here.

1000
00:50:42,315 --> 00:50:43,316
What?

1001
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:46,403
<i>Sam Jones.
Flash-fucking-Gordon is here.</i>

1002
00:50:46,486 --> 00:50:47,654
Holy shit! What?

1003
00:50:47,737 --> 00:50:50,282
You remember I said my buddy's
cousin is friends with Sam Jones?

1004
00:50:50,365 --> 00:50:51,783
My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

1005
00:50:51,867 --> 00:50:53,702
and who do you think is with him?
Sam Jones.

1006
00:50:53,869 --> 00:50:56,371
<i>Sam Jones is here, and, John,</i>

1007
00:50:56,455 --> 00:50:59,040
<i>his hair is
parted down the middle.</i>

1008
00:50:59,541 --> 00:51:00,834
Just like in the movie.

1009
00:51:00,917 --> 00:51:03,336
<i>Yes. Get over here right now.</i>

1010
00:51:03,503 --> 00:51:04,754
Fuck, I can't!

1011
00:51:04,838 --> 00:51:06,715
I'm with Lori here.
I'm already on probation.

1012
00:51:09,050 --> 00:51:10,177
I can't.

1013
00:51:10,260 --> 00:51:13,638
John, Flash Gordon was the most important
influence of our formative years.

1014
00:51:13,722 --> 00:51:16,099
He taught us right from
wrong, good from evil.

1015
00:51:16,183 --> 00:51:17,976
And that the word
"acting" apparently

1016
00:51:18,059 --> 00:51:19,811
has an extremely
broad definition.

1017
00:51:19,978 --> 00:51:23,190
<i>Flash Gordon is the symbol
of our friendship, John.</i>

1018
00:51:23,273 --> 00:51:25,400
<i>Come share this with me.</i>

1019
00:51:26,359 --> 00:51:27,652
I'm coming.

1020
00:51:28,195 --> 00:51:30,071
Rex, I got to go.

1021
00:51:30,864 --> 00:51:33,116
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

1022
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:35,744
But Lori cannot find out. She
absolutely cannot know I was gone.

1023
00:51:36,244 --> 00:51:38,955
If you can cover for me, I'm
cool with all that other shit.

1024
00:51:39,581 --> 00:51:41,958
I got your back on this. She won't know.
I've been there.

1025
00:51:42,125 --> 00:51:43,668
All right, this is
one man to another.

1026
00:51:43,752 --> 00:51:45,837
I don't really know you, but
I'm trusting you, as a man.

1027
00:51:45,921 --> 00:51:46,963
This is serious.

1028
00:51:47,255 --> 00:51:51,009
Dude, one man to another.
I got you on this.

1029
00:51:51,176 --> 00:51:53,261
Thank you. I'll be back.

1030
00:51:54,763 --> 00:51:56,806
I'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

1031
00:52:38,473 --> 00:52:40,267
Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

1032
00:52:40,433 --> 00:52:42,060
Dude, I got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

1033
00:52:42,143 --> 00:52:43,144
Okay, get ready.

1034
00:52:43,228 --> 00:52:45,647
Hey, Sam, this is the guy
I was telling you about.

1035
00:52:53,154 --> 00:52:54,155
<i>Flash!</i>

1036
00:52:54,781 --> 00:52:56,157
<i>A-ah!</i>

1037
00:52:56,866 --> 00:52:58,493
<i>Savior of the universe!</i>

1038
00:53:06,501 --> 00:53:07,502
<i>Flash!</i>

1039
00:53:08,003 --> 00:53:09,170
<i>A-ah!</i>

1040
00:53:09,838 --> 00:53:11,339
<i>He'll save every one of us!</i>

1041
00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:18,888
<i>Just a man with a man's courage.</i>

1042
00:53:20,181 --> 00:53:23,101
<i>He knows nothing but a man.</i>

1043
00:53:23,893 --> 00:53:26,229
<i>But he can never fail.</i>

1044
00:53:28,023 --> 00:53:33,361
<i>No one but the pure in heart
Can find the golden grail.</i>

1045
00:53:46,916 --> 00:53:48,543
How you doing?
Good to meet you.

1046
00:53:49,919 --> 00:53:52,088
I thank you for
saving every one of us.

1047
00:53:52,172 --> 00:53:53,214
Well, you're welcome.

1048
00:53:53,590 --> 00:53:54,924
He acknowledged it.

1049
00:53:55,091 --> 00:53:56,134
Let's do some shots.

1050
00:53:56,217 --> 00:53:57,260
With you?

1051
00:53:57,427 --> 00:53:59,429
Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

1052
00:53:59,512 --> 00:54:00,555
Let's go!

1053
00:54:04,476 --> 00:54:05,518
Thanks, Flash.

1054
00:54:05,602 --> 00:54:07,228
There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

1055
00:54:07,437 --> 00:54:09,272
Death to Ming!

1056
00:54:09,773 --> 00:54:10,940
Yes!

1057
00:54:13,735 --> 00:54:15,278
You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

1058
00:54:15,445 --> 00:54:16,946
You like to party?

1059
00:54:18,531 --> 00:54:19,574
Uh...

1060
00:54:19,699 --> 00:54:20,700
Cocaine, right?

1061
00:54:20,784 --> 00:54:23,578
Come on, dudes. Don't tell
me you never done it before.

1062
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:26,289
Not recently, no.

1063
00:54:26,456 --> 00:54:28,208
I thought that was just
for people in Florida.

1064
00:54:28,375 --> 00:54:29,584
You better follow me.

1065
00:54:29,751 --> 00:54:30,877
Come on.

1066
00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:32,587
Johnny, I'm frightened.

1067
00:54:41,471 --> 00:54:44,099
We are going to
party like the '80s.

1068
00:54:44,182 --> 00:54:45,350
Show us how, Flash.

1069
00:54:45,433 --> 00:54:46,685
It's easy.

1070
00:54:46,768 --> 00:54:49,145
We just gotta nail a lot
of girls named Stephanie.

1071
00:54:49,229 --> 00:54:51,231
God, Johnny,
I got so much energy.

1072
00:54:51,314 --> 00:54:53,108
We better start
doing stupid shit.

1073
00:55:01,658 --> 00:55:02,951
Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

1074
00:55:03,034 --> 00:55:04,244
get serious about
opening a restaurant

1075
00:55:04,327 --> 00:55:05,328
we got to start
planning it now.

1076
00:55:05,412 --> 00:55:06,621
Italian. Italian, yes.

1077
00:55:06,663 --> 00:55:08,373
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.

1078
00:55:08,456 --> 00:55:09,499
Chopped salad, half price.

1079
00:55:09,582 --> 00:55:10,750
And it's
a non-restricted place.

1080
00:55:10,834 --> 00:55:12,711
Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.

1081
00:55:12,794 --> 00:55:14,212
Of course. Jews are welcome.

1082
00:55:14,295 --> 00:55:15,380
Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

1083
00:55:15,463 --> 00:55:16,548
Exactly,
that's what I'm saying.

1084
00:55:16,631 --> 00:55:17,716
Why even bring that up?

1085
00:55:17,799 --> 00:55:19,023
You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

1086
00:55:19,092 --> 00:55:20,552
Why mention it? No one will.

1087
00:55:20,635 --> 00:55:21,678
Why are we talking about it?

1088
00:55:21,761 --> 00:55:23,258
You're talking about it. I'm
just saying, let them in.

1089
00:55:23,304 --> 00:55:25,140
Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.

1090
00:55:25,223 --> 00:55:26,224
No Mexicans, though.

1091
00:55:29,310 --> 00:55:31,187
This is how everybody
sang in the '90s.

1092
00:55:42,991 --> 00:55:45,034
Trust me, I can do this.
Shut up.

1093
00:55:45,201 --> 00:55:46,369
Let him try it, man.

1094
00:55:46,494 --> 00:55:47,704
All right, fuck it.

1095
00:55:51,207 --> 00:55:53,168
Go, go, go!

1096
00:56:01,676 --> 00:56:03,011
You son of a bitch!

1097
00:56:03,094 --> 00:56:05,263
Well, you never should have trusted me.
I'm on drugs.

1098
00:56:14,189 --> 00:56:16,024
Hey, Johnny,
I just had a great idea.

1099
00:56:16,107 --> 00:56:18,526
Let's go get drunk and puke
on cars from the overpass.

1100
00:56:18,610 --> 00:56:21,696
Come on, I do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

1101
00:56:24,657 --> 00:56:26,785
You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

1102
00:56:33,833 --> 00:56:37,003
<i>A-E-I-O-U.</i>

1103
00:56:39,214 --> 00:56:42,383
See? There, proof. Garfield's
eyes look like a pair of tits.

1104
00:56:42,467 --> 00:56:43,468
You were right.

1105
00:56:43,551 --> 00:56:46,137
If you can punch through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

1106
00:56:46,304 --> 00:56:47,347
Are you going to do it?

1107
00:56:47,430 --> 00:56:48,431
I'm going to punch through it.

1108
00:56:48,598 --> 00:56:49,891
Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

1109
00:56:50,892 --> 00:56:52,894
Oh, my God!

1110
00:56:54,312 --> 00:56:55,647
Yes! He did it!

1111
00:56:57,065 --> 00:56:58,107
What the hell you problem?

1112
00:56:58,274 --> 00:57:00,902
You break my wall!
I break you wall!

1113
00:57:05,365 --> 00:57:06,366
Break his arm off!

1114
00:57:06,449 --> 00:57:08,243
We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

1115
00:57:08,368 --> 00:57:09,828
Break this up, break this up.

1116
00:57:09,911 --> 00:57:10,912
Get him!

1117
00:57:12,121 --> 00:57:14,999
You break my wall!
This my home long time.

1118
00:57:15,083 --> 00:57:16,876
You break my wall,
you bastard men.

1119
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:18,336
We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?

1120
00:57:18,419 --> 00:57:21,047
I try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

1121
00:57:21,130 --> 00:57:23,883
Chill out. Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? I'm John.

1122
00:57:24,050 --> 00:57:25,510
My name is Wan Ming.

1123
00:57:25,802 --> 00:57:26,845
Ming?

1124
00:57:27,011 --> 00:57:28,763
You pay many dollar for wall!

1125
00:57:28,847 --> 00:57:31,558
This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

1126
00:57:31,724 --> 00:57:33,726
Death to Ming!

1127
00:57:57,333 --> 00:57:58,459
Rape!

1128
00:58:01,170 --> 00:58:02,213
Sam, let him go.

1129
00:58:07,719 --> 00:58:09,846
You crazy! You crazy, man!

1130
00:58:10,263 --> 00:58:11,723
Come on, James Franco.

1131
00:58:14,851 --> 00:58:16,978
You pay for wall!

1132
00:58:17,312 --> 00:58:18,813
Move, sucker!

1133
00:58:36,539 --> 00:58:38,583
Greatest night ever!

1134
00:58:49,427 --> 00:58:50,637
Hey.

1135
00:58:50,929 --> 00:58:51,971
Hey, Guy.

1136
00:58:52,180 --> 00:58:53,598
What's going on?

1137
00:58:54,515 --> 00:58:56,935
This is Jared. He's the
guy who beat me up.

1138
00:58:57,352 --> 00:58:58,853
And we're in love.

1139
00:58:59,854 --> 00:59:00,813
Huh?

1140
00:59:00,897 --> 00:59:03,733
Turns out I'm gay, or whatever.

1141
00:59:04,525 --> 00:59:05,568
I had no idea.

1142
00:59:06,778 --> 00:59:09,948
Hey, Jared, let's go grab
another one of these.

1143
00:59:13,493 --> 00:59:14,619
How we doing, ace?

1144
00:59:15,119 --> 00:59:16,412
You coming down?

1145
00:59:16,579 --> 00:59:18,414
Yeah, I don't feel so good.

1146
00:59:18,581 --> 00:59:21,542
Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

1147
00:59:22,043 --> 00:59:23,336
You want a Xanax?

1148
00:59:24,921 --> 00:59:26,130
Holy shit. Oh, my God.

1149
00:59:26,214 --> 00:59:27,215
What?

1150
00:59:28,383 --> 00:59:30,051
I got to go.

1151
00:59:38,101 --> 00:59:39,143
Lori, I...

1152
00:59:40,561 --> 00:59:41,729
Lori!

1153
00:59:43,606 --> 00:59:45,900
Lori, wait, please.

1154
00:59:46,776 --> 00:59:48,653
Look, I'm sorry, I messed up...

1155
00:59:48,736 --> 00:59:50,613
John, I need you out of
the apartment tonight.

1156
00:59:51,072 --> 00:59:52,490
Can I... Just give
me the car keys.

1157
00:59:52,573 --> 00:59:54,450
Can I please just explain? No.

1158
00:59:54,659 --> 00:59:55,660
Look, I was...

1159
00:59:55,743 --> 00:59:58,162
I have given up a huge
chunk of my life for you.

1160
00:59:58,329 --> 01:00:00,957
I was going to stop in for like five
minutes and then Flash Gordon...

1161
01:00:01,124 --> 01:00:03,084
Just give me the car keys.

1162
01:00:13,428 --> 01:00:14,721
Lori.

1163
01:00:15,096 --> 01:00:16,639
Lori, please, I love you.

1164
01:00:30,445 --> 01:00:33,156
Johnny, there you are.
I had to get some air.

1165
01:00:33,239 --> 01:00:35,324
That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

1166
01:00:35,408 --> 01:00:37,535
making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

1167
01:00:37,785 --> 01:00:39,787
You know what? Fuck you. I don't
even want to talk to you.

1168
01:00:40,663 --> 01:00:41,706
What?

1169
01:00:41,789 --> 01:00:44,042
Do you know what just happened?

1170
01:00:44,125 --> 01:00:46,502
Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!

1171
01:00:47,211 --> 01:00:48,713
Come on. She'll go home,

1172
01:00:48,796 --> 01:00:50,798
she'll watch Bridget
Jones-something-asshole.

1173
01:00:50,882 --> 01:00:53,092
She'll have a good cry, she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

1174
01:00:53,217 --> 01:00:54,927
Come on upstairs. Are you
even listening to me?

1175
01:00:55,011 --> 01:00:57,138
Do you give any
shred of a shit?

1176
01:00:58,306 --> 01:01:00,058
Of course I do, Johnny.

1177
01:01:00,141 --> 01:01:02,018
"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

1178
01:01:02,101 --> 01:01:04,687
Jesus! Lori was right.

1179
01:01:04,771 --> 01:01:07,148
I should have stopped hanging
out with you a long time ago.

1180
01:01:07,315 --> 01:01:09,233
I'm never going to have
a life with you around.

1181
01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:11,861
I'm 35 years old
and I'm going nowhere.

1182
01:01:11,944 --> 01:01:15,406
All I do is smoke pot and watch
movies with a teddy-fucking-bear.

1183
01:01:15,490 --> 01:01:17,992
Because of that, I just
lost the love of my life.

1184
01:01:18,743 --> 01:01:20,119
Johnny, I'm...

1185
01:01:20,286 --> 01:01:21,412
I'm sorry.

1186
01:01:21,579 --> 01:01:23,915
I gotta be on my own, Ted.
I can't see you any more.

1187
01:01:26,626 --> 01:01:28,753
John, wait. Listen.

1188
01:01:29,128 --> 01:01:31,255
<i>I love you!</i>

1189
01:02:30,439 --> 01:02:33,943
So, word through the
grapevine is that you're

1190
01:02:34,068 --> 01:02:35,153
newly solo.

1191
01:02:35,361 --> 01:02:37,280
Rex, I have a lot of
work I need to get to.

1192
01:02:37,613 --> 01:02:40,700
I have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

1193
01:02:40,783 --> 01:02:43,411
and I would love it
if you would go with me.

1194
01:02:43,703 --> 01:02:46,706
You're asking me out a week
after I broke up with somebody?

1195
01:02:47,165 --> 01:02:49,333
Look, I'm going to
cut the shit, here.

1196
01:02:49,417 --> 01:02:50,418
Please.

1197
01:02:50,710 --> 01:02:54,046
This is the first time
that you've been single

1198
01:02:54,130 --> 01:02:55,631
in all the years
you've worked here.

1199
01:02:56,299 --> 01:02:58,885
Just go out with me one time.

1200
01:02:58,968 --> 01:03:00,678
And if you're miserable
and you hate it

1201
01:03:00,761 --> 01:03:05,099
then I promise I will never
even hint at the subject again.

1202
01:03:06,642 --> 01:03:07,643
Please.

1203
01:03:07,894 --> 01:03:09,353
Rex, I don't think it's smart.

1204
01:03:09,478 --> 01:03:11,606
I'm an asshole, I know that.

1205
01:03:11,689 --> 01:03:13,024
It worked for me
in high school,

1206
01:03:13,107 --> 01:03:14,609
and it's been
a reflex ever since.

1207
01:03:15,067 --> 01:03:17,236
Lori, the worst that can happen

1208
01:03:17,612 --> 01:03:20,072
is that you go on
a fun, casual date

1209
01:03:20,156 --> 01:03:22,200
with a guy who
just wants a chance

1210
01:03:22,283 --> 01:03:25,786
to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

1211
01:03:25,870 --> 01:03:28,206
Plus, you are a huge catch.

1212
01:03:28,289 --> 01:03:30,333
And it's about time someone
treated you that way.

1213
01:03:32,585 --> 01:03:34,587
Fuck it. Fine.

1214
01:03:34,754 --> 01:03:36,964
Fine. It sure as hell beats crying
myself to sleep every night.

1215
01:03:37,048 --> 01:03:39,258
And if that means
getting you off my back,

1216
01:03:39,342 --> 01:03:40,676
well, that's just a bonus.

1217
01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:42,220
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

1218
01:03:49,810 --> 01:03:52,355
Johnny. It's me.

1219
01:03:52,772 --> 01:03:53,814
Go away.

1220
01:03:54,148 --> 01:03:56,859
Johnny, open the door,
please, I want to talk.

1221
01:04:06,577 --> 01:04:08,621
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

1222
01:04:08,788 --> 01:04:10,998
Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know
you're pissed, all right?

1223
01:04:11,165 --> 01:04:13,167
But just listen to me
for five seconds.

1224
01:04:13,376 --> 01:04:15,544
I saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

1225
01:04:15,628 --> 01:04:16,629
What?

1226
01:04:16,712 --> 01:04:18,047
I'm serious, John.
I went over to talk to her

1227
01:04:18,130 --> 01:04:19,757
and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

1228
01:04:19,840 --> 01:04:21,217
And there he was,
picking her up.

1229
01:04:21,300 --> 01:04:22,635
They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

1230
01:04:22,802 --> 01:04:24,720
You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

1231
01:04:24,804 --> 01:04:26,389
How stupid do you think I am?

1232
01:04:26,472 --> 01:04:27,974
If you think that by
making shit like that up

1233
01:04:28,057 --> 01:04:30,017
you're going to make me choose
some kind of loyalty to you

1234
01:04:30,101 --> 01:04:31,269
over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

1235
01:04:31,352 --> 01:04:33,521
Johnny, it's the truth,
I'm telling you.

1236
01:04:33,604 --> 01:04:35,523
You know what? Get out of here.

1237
01:04:36,482 --> 01:04:38,901
You know what? You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

1238
01:04:39,068 --> 01:04:40,486
What? I'm acting like a cock?

1239
01:04:40,569 --> 01:04:41,570
Yes, you are.

1240
01:04:41,654 --> 01:04:43,656
So shut your meat hole for
a second and listen to me.

1241
01:04:43,864 --> 01:04:45,366
Huh? Meat hole? What?

1242
01:04:45,449 --> 01:04:46,993
That's not right, is it? No.

1243
01:04:47,159 --> 01:04:48,911
"Pudding hole"?
Is that what they say?

1244
01:04:48,995 --> 01:04:50,079
No, it can't be that either.

1245
01:04:50,329 --> 01:04:53,582
Because, "How can you have any
pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

1246
01:04:53,749 --> 01:04:55,918
Right? Pink Floyd.

1247
01:04:56,085 --> 01:04:57,920
Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

1248
01:04:58,004 --> 01:04:59,755
for something that
you did to yourself.

1249
01:05:00,423 --> 01:05:01,632
Lori was right about you.

1250
01:05:01,799 --> 01:05:05,428
You cannot take responsibility for
anything that goes on in your life.

1251
01:05:05,594 --> 01:05:06,637
Oh, and you can?

1252
01:05:06,721 --> 01:05:08,973
I don't have to.
I'm a fucking teddy bear.

1253
01:05:09,432 --> 01:05:12,601
You know something? I didn't tie
you up and drag you to that party.

1254
01:05:12,685 --> 01:05:15,646
I wanted you to come because
you're supposedly my best friend.

1255
01:05:15,730 --> 01:05:16,897
You can't stand there
and tell me

1256
01:05:16,981 --> 01:05:19,025
that you haven't always seen Lori
as a threat to our friendship.

1257
01:05:19,108 --> 01:05:20,484
It works out
so much better for you

1258
01:05:20,568 --> 01:05:21,861
when you and I are
getting fucked up

1259
01:05:21,944 --> 01:05:23,195
on the couch at 9:00
A.M., doesn't it?

1260
01:05:23,487 --> 01:05:24,572
Listen to yourself.

1261
01:05:24,739 --> 01:05:27,283
What am I? Emperor Ming,
here, controlling your mind?

1262
01:05:27,450 --> 01:05:29,035
That's your choice, John.

1263
01:05:29,243 --> 01:05:30,953
And by blaming me,
you, you're just

1264
01:05:31,037 --> 01:05:32,663
making yourself
look like a pussy.

1265
01:05:35,291 --> 01:05:37,043
Sometimes I think back to
that Christmas morning

1266
01:05:37,126 --> 01:05:38,294
when I was eight years old.

1267
01:05:38,377 --> 01:05:40,087
I wish I had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

1268
01:05:41,672 --> 01:05:43,215
Say that one more time.

1269
01:05:43,632 --> 01:05:46,510
Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

1270
01:06:09,784 --> 01:06:10,868
Shit!

1271
01:06:15,122 --> 01:06:16,207
Fuck, man!

1272
01:07:01,085 --> 01:07:02,753
Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

1273
01:07:04,088 --> 01:07:05,798
Fucking stop! Fuck!

1274
01:07:18,018 --> 01:07:19,228
Why are you crying?

1275
01:07:19,895 --> 01:07:23,190
My dick is squished by the TV.

1276
01:07:33,075 --> 01:07:34,869
I'm so sorry, Johnny.

1277
01:07:35,077 --> 01:07:36,537
So am I, man.

1278
01:07:37,079 --> 01:07:38,539
I love you.

1279
01:07:38,706 --> 01:07:40,207
I love you, too.

1280
01:07:40,708 --> 01:07:42,042
Listen.

1281
01:07:42,585 --> 01:07:44,962
You got to let me help you make
things right with you and Lori.

1282
01:07:45,379 --> 01:07:47,882
There's no putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

1283
01:07:48,257 --> 01:07:51,969
No, John. We can get her back.

1284
01:07:52,178 --> 01:07:53,179
Look,

1285
01:07:54,221 --> 01:07:56,307
you remember when you were 10,

1286
01:07:56,474 --> 01:07:59,101
and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

1287
01:07:59,268 --> 01:08:00,978
And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

1288
01:08:01,061 --> 01:08:03,105
we both started crying,
you remember?

1289
01:08:03,272 --> 01:08:04,607
And then we ran up to it

1290
01:08:04,732 --> 01:08:08,903
and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

1291
01:08:09,069 --> 01:08:10,905
John, we could do that again.

1292
01:08:10,988 --> 01:08:12,031
Ted,

1293
01:08:12,239 --> 01:08:14,867
we crushed its ribcage and blew out
its lungs trying to give it CPR.

1294
01:08:14,950 --> 01:08:16,118
It died.

1295
01:08:17,328 --> 01:08:20,372
Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

1296
01:09:09,255 --> 01:09:10,381
Yeah!

1297
01:09:10,464 --> 01:09:13,384
Thanks. We're going to take a short
break, but we'll be back in a few.

1298
01:09:21,559 --> 01:09:23,143
<i>Play Chopsticks,
you jazzy slut.</i>

1299
01:09:23,227 --> 01:09:24,270
Teddy!

1300
01:09:25,604 --> 01:09:26,564
How are you?

1301
01:09:26,647 --> 01:09:28,274
How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

1302
01:09:28,357 --> 01:09:30,359
Well, I'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

1303
01:09:30,442 --> 01:09:32,987
who sold 37 million records,
but I'm hanging in there.

1304
01:09:33,654 --> 01:09:35,072
Half-indian, but thanks.

1305
01:09:35,155 --> 01:09:36,156
Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

1306
01:09:36,240 --> 01:09:38,242
Listen, I want you to meet a
good pal of mine, all right?

1307
01:09:38,325 --> 01:09:40,077
John Bennett, Norah Jones.

1308
01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:41,745
Hi, Norah Jones.

1309
01:09:41,829 --> 01:09:43,998
Hey, there, sweaty.

1310
01:09:45,666 --> 01:09:46,917
You ready to
bring down the house?

1311
01:09:47,001 --> 01:09:50,170
Yes, ma'am. Thank you for
the opportunity, Miss...

1312
01:09:50,254 --> 01:09:52,256
Ma'am Jones. Thank you.

1313
01:09:52,423 --> 01:09:54,008
Jesus, you look fantastic.

1314
01:09:54,300 --> 01:09:56,594
Well, you're probably not used
to seeing me fully clothed.

1315
01:09:56,677 --> 01:09:58,137
Yeah, I know, right?

1316
01:09:58,220 --> 01:10:01,849
Me and Norah met in 2002 at a
party at Belinda Carlisle's house

1317
01:10:02,016 --> 01:10:04,393
and we had awkward
fuzzy sex in the coatroom.

1318
01:10:04,560 --> 01:10:06,562
Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

1319
01:10:06,770 --> 01:10:09,857
You know, I have written so many
angry letters to Hasbro about that.

1320
01:10:12,568 --> 01:10:13,652
Thank you.

1321
01:10:13,819 --> 01:10:15,571
Now, I'm going to
give my chops a rest

1322
01:10:15,654 --> 01:10:17,156
and bring a friend up
to the stage.

1323
01:10:17,323 --> 01:10:19,450
He's going to sing a
song to a special lady

1324
01:10:19,533 --> 01:10:21,702
in the audience
who he loves very much.

1325
01:10:21,869 --> 01:10:24,788
Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

1326
01:10:28,000 --> 01:10:30,044
Oh, my God.

1327
01:10:30,127 --> 01:10:32,004
Holy shit!

1328
01:10:35,716 --> 01:10:37,551
I gotta fuck her again.

1329
01:10:37,801 --> 01:10:38,802
Uh...

1330
01:10:38,886 --> 01:10:42,389
Hi, my name is John Bennett,

1331
01:10:42,723 --> 01:10:44,725
and this is for Lori Collins.

1332
01:10:45,684 --> 01:10:46,894
Because I love you.

1333
01:10:48,062 --> 01:10:52,232
This song always reminds me of the
most important night of my life.

1334
01:10:53,317 --> 01:10:54,902
The night we met.

1335
01:10:55,069 --> 01:10:58,906
This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

1336
01:11:03,661 --> 01:11:10,250
<i>All I wanted was a sweet
distraction For an hour or two.</i>

1337
01:11:11,085 --> 01:11:15,506
<i>Had no intention to do.</i>

1338
01:11:16,715 --> 01:11:18,717
Still better than Katy Perry.

1339
01:11:21,845 --> 01:11:25,432
<i>Funny how it
always goes with love.</i>

1340
01:11:25,599 --> 01:11:29,144
<i>When you don't look, you find.</i>

1341
01:11:29,311 --> 01:11:33,232
<i>But then we're two of a kind.</i>

1342
01:11:34,191 --> 01:11:36,443
<i>We move as one.</i>

1343
01:11:38,445 --> 01:11:41,448
<i>We're an all time high.</i>

1344
01:11:41,824 --> 01:11:43,158
You suck, get off the stage!

1345
01:11:43,242 --> 01:11:44,785
Come on. Give him a chance.

1346
01:11:47,621 --> 01:11:50,374
<i>Doing so much more.</i>

1347
01:11:50,582 --> 01:11:51,667
You're an asshole!

1348
01:11:52,251 --> 01:11:53,544
<i>Than falling...</i>

1349
01:11:58,090 --> 01:11:59,174
Oh, Jesus!

1350
01:12:00,759 --> 01:12:02,428
Someone call an ambulance!

1351
01:12:11,854 --> 01:12:13,439
That was insane.

1352
01:12:13,522 --> 01:12:15,399
Did you see the way the
guy's body hit the ground?

1353
01:12:15,482 --> 01:12:17,109
He was like a rag doll.

1354
01:12:17,484 --> 01:12:19,486
Yeah, I'd rather
just not talk about it.

1355
01:12:19,570 --> 01:12:21,155
Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

1356
01:12:21,238 --> 01:12:24,158
I feel like I could use one
after seeing a guy almost die.

1357
01:12:24,241 --> 01:12:27,077
No, I think I'd
rather just have you take me home.

1358
01:12:27,161 --> 01:12:29,079
One drink. Come on.

1359
01:12:29,163 --> 01:12:31,081
No, not really
feeling up to it.

1360
01:12:31,165 --> 01:12:33,000
All right, I get it.

1361
01:12:33,083 --> 01:12:36,086
And, you know,
I don't blame you.

1362
01:12:36,170 --> 01:12:37,755
I mean,
when you think about it,

1363
01:12:37,838 --> 01:12:41,091
it was actually really unfair of
him to embarrass you like that.

1364
01:12:42,301 --> 01:12:44,762
Just to be clear,
I'm not embarrassed.

1365
01:12:45,179 --> 01:12:47,973
Listen, John and I may have our
problems, but at least he tried.

1366
01:12:50,142 --> 01:12:53,145
You know what? I don't feel
like talking to you about this.

1367
01:12:53,645 --> 01:12:54,730
Where are you going?

1368
01:12:54,897 --> 01:12:57,900
Taking a cab. I'm going home.

1369
01:13:02,196 --> 01:13:03,572
Finally.

1370
01:13:14,708 --> 01:13:15,918
Down here.

1371
01:13:16,001 --> 01:13:17,669
Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

1372
01:13:17,753 --> 01:13:20,255
Not looking up your towel. Not
looking at your funny business.

1373
01:13:20,422 --> 01:13:22,049
Ted, what are you doing here?

1374
01:13:22,883 --> 01:13:24,218
I need to talk to you.

1375
01:13:24,718 --> 01:13:26,804
Listen, if you're here to fight
John's battles for him...

1376
01:13:26,887 --> 01:13:28,764
Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

1377
01:13:28,847 --> 01:13:30,724
And then you can
say whatever you want.

1378
01:13:35,145 --> 01:13:38,816
Look, John loves you very much,

1379
01:13:38,899 --> 01:13:40,317
more than
anything in the world,

1380
01:13:40,400 --> 01:13:43,445
and he's falling to fucking
pieces without you.

1381
01:13:43,987 --> 01:13:45,864
He knows he screwed up huge

1382
01:13:45,948 --> 01:13:49,409
but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

1383
01:13:49,493 --> 01:13:53,205
I told him to bail on you that
night at Rex's and he said, "No."

1384
01:13:53,288 --> 01:13:57,292
He said "no," he was going to stay there
with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori.

1385
01:13:57,793 --> 01:13:59,837
So, if you just give him
one more chance

1386
01:14:00,462 --> 01:14:03,674
I promise I will leave
and I'll never come back.

1387
01:14:03,841 --> 01:14:05,968
All right? He'll be all yours.

1388
01:14:06,844 --> 01:14:08,804
Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

1389
01:14:08,887 --> 01:14:11,265
but I don't want
you to do that.

1390
01:14:11,431 --> 01:14:15,435
This is between John and me and
I don't think it can be fixed.

1391
01:14:15,602 --> 01:14:16,979
Yeah, because of me!

1392
01:14:17,104 --> 01:14:20,357
Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

1393
01:14:20,440 --> 01:14:22,359
But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

1394
01:14:22,442 --> 01:14:24,570
he's always going to be a boy.

1395
01:14:26,613 --> 01:14:29,366
He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

1396
01:14:29,533 --> 01:14:33,120
So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

1397
01:14:33,287 --> 01:14:35,122
I'll be gone when you get back.

1398
01:14:36,039 --> 01:14:37,332
Forever.

1399
01:14:37,791 --> 01:14:40,711
And, you'll see,

1400
01:14:40,794 --> 01:14:43,797
he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

1401
01:15:27,507 --> 01:15:31,136
"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

1402
01:15:31,303 --> 01:15:33,597
My God, America is imploding.

1403
01:15:42,648 --> 01:15:43,690
Hi, Ted.

1404
01:15:44,316 --> 01:15:45,359
Fuck!

1405
01:16:04,586 --> 01:16:05,879
Lori, what...

1406
01:16:06,380 --> 01:16:07,422
Hey.

1407
01:16:07,589 --> 01:16:08,799
What are you doing here?

1408
01:16:09,383 --> 01:16:11,218
You can thank Ted.

1409
01:16:14,888 --> 01:16:17,099
Should I sit?

1410
01:16:17,557 --> 01:16:19,601
Yeah, if you want.

1411
01:16:19,851 --> 01:16:21,144
Okay.

1412
01:16:23,230 --> 01:16:24,940
So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

1413
01:16:25,107 --> 01:16:27,609
Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

1414
01:16:29,403 --> 01:16:31,947
I guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

1415
01:16:33,240 --> 01:16:36,952
If it's okay with you, I just
want to say what I want to say.

1416
01:16:38,078 --> 01:16:39,621
I could sit here and
tell you I'm sorry,

1417
01:16:39,705 --> 01:16:41,164
it was a huge misunderstanding,

1418
01:16:41,248 --> 01:16:43,792
and I'm ready to change,

1419
01:16:43,917 --> 01:16:45,752
but I don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

1420
01:16:46,586 --> 01:16:48,922
I'm not going to try to
get you to take me back.

1421
01:16:49,423 --> 01:16:50,465
Why would you?

1422
01:16:50,549 --> 01:16:52,467
I've been a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

1423
01:16:52,551 --> 01:16:54,177
I don't deserve you.

1424
01:16:54,928 --> 01:16:58,682
I know I didn't take our
relationship seriously but, Lori,

1425
01:16:58,765 --> 01:17:00,600
I do love you more
than life itself.

1426
01:17:02,561 --> 01:17:05,981
All I want is... I just
want to end on good terms.

1427
01:17:06,064 --> 01:17:07,357
I owe that to you.

1428
01:17:07,524 --> 01:17:09,943
I want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

1429
01:17:10,777 --> 01:17:14,740
And I just hope that maybe
we can still be friends.

1430
01:17:16,450 --> 01:17:18,368
Thank you for being so honest.

1431
01:17:21,455 --> 01:17:23,415
That's pretty much it.

1432
01:17:26,168 --> 01:17:27,294
Thanks for coming by.

1433
01:17:58,784 --> 01:17:59,910
Whoa!

1434
01:18:02,996 --> 01:18:05,582
Yeah, as you can see

1435
01:18:05,665 --> 01:18:09,002
you've been a part of our
family for quite some time.

1436
01:18:10,837 --> 01:18:12,089
Welcome home.

1437
01:18:12,172 --> 01:18:13,715
Yeah, it's kind of
funny, actually.

1438
01:18:13,799 --> 01:18:16,176
I got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

1439
01:18:16,426 --> 01:18:18,178
Is he all mine, Daddy?

1440
01:18:18,804 --> 01:18:22,099
Yes, he is, my little winner.
Yes, he is.

1441
01:18:22,474 --> 01:18:24,559
Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

1442
01:18:24,643 --> 01:18:26,394
It's almost Robert's play hour.

1443
01:18:26,603 --> 01:18:28,980
Yeah, I'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

1444
01:18:29,064 --> 01:18:31,942
I'm guessing you're more of a "wooden
horse with a wig" kind of family.

1445
01:18:32,776 --> 01:18:34,361
Yeah.

1446
01:18:34,444 --> 01:18:36,321
No. Yeah. No.

1447
01:18:36,863 --> 01:18:37,864
Yeah.

1448
01:18:45,413 --> 01:18:47,374
Yeah, see, there's the guy.

1449
01:18:47,666 --> 01:18:51,169
Now, Ted, you belong to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

1450
01:18:51,336 --> 01:18:53,338
You think you're just going to
get away with a kidnapping?

1451
01:18:53,505 --> 01:18:54,840
That's a nice fucking
example you're setting...

1452
01:18:54,923 --> 01:18:56,049
Language!

1453
01:18:56,133 --> 01:18:57,634
Sorry. Sorry.

1454
01:19:02,889 --> 01:19:05,851
You know, Ted,
when I was a little boy,

1455
01:19:07,936 --> 01:19:10,147
I saw you on television.

1456
01:19:10,313 --> 01:19:11,773
And I thought you were
the most amazing,

1457
01:19:11,857 --> 01:19:14,526
most wonderful thing
I'd ever seen. Ever.

1458
01:19:15,652 --> 01:19:20,323
And I asked my dad if I could have
a magical little teddy bear, too.

1459
01:19:20,407 --> 01:19:21,825
And he said, "No."

1460
01:19:22,200 --> 01:19:24,411
Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

1461
01:19:24,786 --> 01:19:26,830
And I was so heartbroken.

1462
01:19:27,539 --> 01:19:30,333
And I promised myself that
if I ever had a son,

1463
01:19:30,500 --> 01:19:35,589
I would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

1464
01:19:37,716 --> 01:19:39,009
Even.

1465
01:19:39,176 --> 01:19:42,179
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every
once in a while wouldn't hurt.

1466
01:19:42,262 --> 01:19:44,264
Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

1467
01:19:44,806 --> 01:19:47,809
Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

1468
01:19:51,438 --> 01:19:53,064
Happy playtime.

1469
01:19:55,025 --> 01:19:57,110
Jesus fucking Christ!

1470
01:19:57,194 --> 01:19:59,321
I said a bad word one time.

1471
01:20:00,113 --> 01:20:01,740
Daddy punished me for it.

1472
01:20:01,823 --> 01:20:04,075
That's a great story.
I felt like I was there.

1473
01:20:04,284 --> 01:20:06,077
Daddy gave me an ouch.

1474
01:20:06,369 --> 01:20:09,080
Now, I have to
give you an ouch.

1475
01:20:14,127 --> 01:20:16,463
All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

1476
01:20:16,546 --> 01:20:18,131
What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

1477
01:20:18,215 --> 01:20:19,633
It's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

1478
01:20:19,716 --> 01:20:21,635
Yeah, I want to play a game.

1479
01:20:21,718 --> 01:20:23,762
Good, good. Let's see.
How about we...

1480
01:20:23,845 --> 01:20:25,597
How about we play a little
game of hide and seek?

1481
01:20:25,972 --> 01:20:28,183
I love hide and seek.
I'll hide.

1482
01:20:28,350 --> 01:20:30,518
Now, hang on a sec, there.

1483
01:20:30,602 --> 01:20:34,147
Your dad likes you to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

1484
01:20:34,481 --> 01:20:36,358
Okay. You hide first.

1485
01:20:36,441 --> 01:20:37,525
Great. Fantastic.

1486
01:20:37,609 --> 01:20:41,112
Okay, now you count to 100, and
then you try to find me, okay?

1487
01:20:41,196 --> 01:20:42,239
Okay.

1488
01:20:43,782 --> 01:20:46,451
Do I need to wash my hands
before I play this game?

1489
01:20:47,160 --> 01:20:50,455
No. That's a weird fucking question.
No, just start counting.

1490
01:20:52,582 --> 01:20:54,668
One, two,

1491
01:20:55,543 --> 01:20:59,005
three, four, five,

1492
01:20:59,714 --> 01:21:01,800
six, seven...

1493
01:21:01,967 --> 01:21:04,135
No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

1494
01:21:04,302 --> 01:21:07,597
Eight, nine, ten,

1495
01:21:08,265 --> 01:21:11,726
eleven, twelve, thirteen...

1496
01:22:03,570 --> 01:22:04,821
Ah!

1497
01:22:31,056 --> 01:22:32,098
Hey.

1498
01:22:32,640 --> 01:22:33,892
Hey.

1499
01:22:35,185 --> 01:22:36,478
You walking home alone, huh?

1500
01:22:36,936 --> 01:22:37,979
Yeah.

1501
01:22:39,314 --> 01:22:40,482
Do you need a lift?

1502
01:22:40,899 --> 01:22:41,983
Oh, I'm okay.

1503
01:22:42,067 --> 01:22:44,736
If I get raped, it'll be my
fault for what I'm wearing.

1504
01:22:45,612 --> 01:22:47,822
Listen, John.

1505
01:22:49,074 --> 01:22:51,326
There's something that I
need to say to you, too.

1506
01:23:06,758 --> 01:23:08,468
Hey. Hey.

1507
01:23:08,718 --> 01:23:10,387
John, I hope that...

1508
01:23:11,137 --> 01:23:13,306
Listen, I don't want
you to think that...

1509
01:23:16,434 --> 01:23:17,769
Sorry.

1510
01:23:18,269 --> 01:23:21,231
I want us to keep talking
because I think that maybe...

1511
01:23:22,399 --> 01:23:23,441
Go ahead.

1512
01:23:23,525 --> 01:23:25,235
Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

1513
01:23:25,318 --> 01:23:26,778
John, it's me. Can you hear me?

1514
01:23:27,278 --> 01:23:29,447
Ted? Listen,
I got to call you back.

1515
01:23:29,531 --> 01:23:31,491
No, John, don't hang up!
I'm in trouble.

1516
01:23:31,908 --> 01:23:33,159
What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

1517
01:23:33,326 --> 01:23:35,370
They got me. That freaky
guy from the park,

1518
01:23:35,453 --> 01:23:37,122
and that kid who I
think is his son,

1519
01:23:37,205 --> 01:23:38,581
but may also be his lover,
I don't know.

1520
01:23:38,665 --> 01:23:39,999
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?

1521
01:23:40,250 --> 01:23:41,334
Uh...

1522
01:23:41,418 --> 01:23:42,794
I'm not sure, it's...

1523
01:23:44,003 --> 01:23:46,005
Hello? Hello, John?

1524
01:23:47,382 --> 01:23:48,425
Hello?

1525
01:23:49,259 --> 01:23:51,761
You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

1526
01:23:51,845 --> 01:23:52,929
Shit!

1527
01:23:53,012 --> 01:23:55,223
Ted, hello? Ted?

1528
01:23:55,306 --> 01:23:56,683
What's the matter? Is he okay?

1529
01:23:57,142 --> 01:23:58,852
I don't know. Where is he?

1530
01:23:59,018 --> 01:24:00,728
I don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

1531
01:24:01,563 --> 01:24:02,939
Can you call him back?

1532
01:24:03,022 --> 01:24:04,232
No, it's blocked.

1533
01:24:05,400 --> 01:24:06,484
Wait a second.

1534
01:24:10,530 --> 01:24:12,490
Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

1535
01:24:16,077 --> 01:24:17,704
Hello, 911?

1536
01:24:17,829 --> 01:24:19,122
I need the police right away.

1537
01:24:19,289 --> 01:24:21,291
This guy took my teddy bear.

1538
01:24:22,083 --> 01:24:23,126
Hello?

1539
01:24:26,004 --> 01:24:28,173
Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

1540
01:24:30,800 --> 01:24:31,801
I hear the fat kid running.
I hear the fat kid running.

1541
01:24:31,885 --> 01:24:34,053
I bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

1542
01:24:34,262 --> 01:24:36,139
I am a citizen of
the United States of America

1543
01:24:36,222 --> 01:24:37,599
and I have rights!

1544
01:24:40,351 --> 01:24:41,895
Robert, seatbelt.

1545
01:24:42,854 --> 01:24:44,731
It should be
right here, somewhere.

1546
01:24:49,027 --> 01:24:50,069
Johnny!

1547
01:24:50,653 --> 01:24:53,156
Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

1548
01:24:59,412 --> 01:25:00,455
Stay with them.

1549
01:25:08,421 --> 01:25:09,464
Hang om.

1550
01:25:27,482 --> 01:25:28,775
Back off, Susan Boyle!

1551
01:25:33,988 --> 01:25:36,074
Oh, my God! He's going to jump!
Get closer.

1552
01:25:41,037 --> 01:25:42,872
All right, easy. Come on, Ted.

1553
01:25:46,459 --> 01:25:47,544
Shit! Yes!

1554
01:25:47,835 --> 01:25:50,213
<i>Hey, Johnny!
Total T.J. Hooker, right?</i>

1555
01:25:50,296 --> 01:25:51,548
Yes! Fucking-A right!

1556
01:25:55,134 --> 01:25:56,261
Oh, shit!

1557
01:26:01,474 --> 01:26:02,475
Go! Go! Go!

1558
01:26:15,321 --> 01:26:16,614
Daddy!

1559
01:26:18,658 --> 01:26:20,535
Let's see how well
you know these streets.

1560
01:26:22,495 --> 01:26:23,538
Where is he?

1561
01:26:44,350 --> 01:26:45,476
Jesus!

1562
01:26:57,947 --> 01:26:59,198
There he is. Pull over.

1563
01:27:32,774 --> 01:27:33,816
Where?

1564
01:27:35,902 --> 01:27:37,111
No!

1565
01:27:37,195 --> 01:27:41,282
You can't have my teddy bear!

1566
01:27:47,747 --> 01:27:49,248
Holy shit.

1567
01:27:49,332 --> 01:27:50,375
Sorry.

1568
01:27:50,458 --> 01:27:52,418
Somebody had to go Joan
Crawford on that kid.

1569
01:27:52,710 --> 01:27:54,253
Come on.

1570
01:27:58,925 --> 01:28:00,093
Ted?

1571
01:28:06,808 --> 01:28:07,934
Oh, my God!

1572
01:28:11,145 --> 01:28:12,188
Shit!

1573
01:28:38,297 --> 01:28:39,340
Jesus.

1574
01:28:39,632 --> 01:28:41,551
Stay here. Just stay there!
No, John!

1575
01:28:52,854 --> 01:28:54,397
You're mine, Ted!

1576
01:28:54,731 --> 01:28:57,233
Screw you, pal.
I belong to John Bennett.

1577
01:28:57,316 --> 01:29:00,987
But I can give you love,
and rocking horses,

1578
01:29:01,612 --> 01:29:03,156
and dancing.

1579
01:29:03,448 --> 01:29:05,908
I think we're very
far apart on this.

1580
01:29:26,262 --> 01:29:27,972
Ted!

1581
01:30:16,020 --> 01:30:17,021
Oh, my God!

1582
01:30:17,104 --> 01:30:18,356
Ted!

1583
01:30:20,650 --> 01:30:21,734
John.

1584
01:30:22,401 --> 01:30:24,237
Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

1585
01:30:29,742 --> 01:30:31,202
Johnny.

1586
01:30:31,410 --> 01:30:33,120
You're going to be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

1587
01:30:33,204 --> 01:30:34,455
You're going to be fine.

1588
01:30:35,289 --> 01:30:38,376
Jesus, I look like
the robot from Aliens.

1589
01:30:38,459 --> 01:30:40,336
No, look at me, buddy.

1590
01:30:40,419 --> 01:30:41,921
I promise,
you're going to be okay.

1591
01:30:43,172 --> 01:30:45,633
I don't think so. I'm...

1592
01:30:47,635 --> 01:30:48,719
I'm in trouble.

1593
01:30:49,720 --> 01:30:50,763
I need...

1594
01:30:51,264 --> 01:30:52,765
I need to tell you something.

1595
01:30:53,266 --> 01:30:54,433
What is it?

1596
01:30:56,686 --> 01:30:59,522
Don't ever lose her again.

1597
01:31:00,273 --> 01:31:02,441
She's the most important...

1598
01:31:04,902 --> 01:31:07,238
the most important
part of your life.

1599
01:31:09,240 --> 01:31:11,951
Even more than me.

1600
01:31:13,077 --> 01:31:15,621
She's your thunder buddy now.

1601
01:31:16,789 --> 01:31:18,624
She's...

1602
01:32:01,542 --> 01:32:03,085
I got it.

1603
01:32:18,851 --> 01:32:20,978
Baby, I don't know if
this is going to work.

1604
01:32:21,062 --> 01:32:22,188
Please, just try.

1605
01:32:32,239 --> 01:32:33,908
Come on, buddy.

1606
01:33:20,413 --> 01:33:22,790
I'm so sorry.

1607
01:33:23,249 --> 01:33:26,085
You did everything you could.

1608
01:33:26,794 --> 01:33:28,796
I'm so sorry.

1609
01:36:03,200 --> 01:36:04,160
Ted!

1610
01:36:04,243 --> 01:36:05,327
I'm alive, Johnny!

1611
01:36:05,494 --> 01:36:06,495
Oh, my God!

1612
01:36:06,579 --> 01:36:08,873
I'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

1613
01:36:09,707 --> 01:36:10,749
You're back!

1614
01:36:10,958 --> 01:36:12,835
Yeah, I mean,
when you sewed me up

1615
01:36:12,918 --> 01:36:14,795
you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

1616
01:36:14,879 --> 01:36:16,672
so I'm a little fucked up.

1617
01:36:16,755 --> 01:36:19,592
But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

1618
01:36:21,719 --> 01:36:23,721
I'm just Kidding you.
I thought it would be funny

1619
01:36:23,804 --> 01:36:25,389
if you thought
I was fucking retarded.

1620
01:36:25,764 --> 01:36:26,932
You asshole!

1621
01:36:27,349 --> 01:36:29,268
Come here, you bastard.

1622
01:36:31,103 --> 01:36:32,146
Ah!

1623
01:36:32,438 --> 01:36:33,814
Welcome back, Ted.

1624
01:36:36,525 --> 01:36:37,568
It was you.

1625
01:36:38,819 --> 01:36:39,862
You did it.

1626
01:36:40,321 --> 01:36:41,697
Son of a bitch!

1627
01:36:42,198 --> 01:36:43,866
You wished for my life back.

1628
01:36:44,116 --> 01:36:46,410
No. No.

1629
01:36:46,619 --> 01:36:48,412
I wished for my life back.

1630
01:37:01,175 --> 01:37:02,218
I love you.

1631
01:37:02,635 --> 01:37:04,345
I love you, too.

1632
01:37:06,347 --> 01:37:09,225
And I want you to know that,
after last night

1633
01:37:09,308 --> 01:37:12,353
I don't ever want to lose anyone
who matters to me ever again.

1634
01:37:12,436 --> 01:37:14,730
I'm not going to wait any
longer for my life to start.

1635
01:37:15,731 --> 01:37:17,191
Lori,

1636
01:37:18,567 --> 01:37:20,069
will you marry me?

1637
01:37:21,737 --> 01:37:24,490
All I ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

1638
01:37:29,578 --> 01:37:34,375
<i>And so John, Lori and
Ted lived happily ever after.</i>

1639
01:37:34,667 --> 01:37:39,546
<i>Having discovered at last, that all
they really needed was each other.</i>

1640
01:37:41,882 --> 01:37:44,969
<i>John and Lori were
married in Cambridge</i>

1641
01:37:45,052 --> 01:37:48,347
<i>by a very special
Justice of the Peace.</i>

1642
01:37:49,014 --> 01:37:51,767
By the power vested in me

1643
01:37:51,850 --> 01:37:54,853
by the New York Jets

1644
01:37:54,979 --> 01:37:58,983
and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

1645
01:37:59,108 --> 01:38:02,903
I now pronounce
you man and wife.

1646
01:38:02,987 --> 01:38:05,281
You may kiss the bride, Johnny.

1647
01:38:23,799 --> 01:38:26,802
Hi. Tom Skerritt.

1648
01:38:27,219 --> 01:38:28,721
Tom Skerritt! Wow!

1649
01:38:29,179 --> 01:38:31,432
Thanks so much for coming.

1650
01:38:31,515 --> 01:38:34,727
My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

1651
01:38:35,894 --> 01:38:38,939
I am so fake-happy for her.

1652
01:39:05,841 --> 01:39:09,178
You know, Sam, there's only
one way to end a perfect day.

1653
01:39:09,261 --> 01:39:10,220
What's that?

1654
01:39:10,304 --> 01:39:11,388
Flash jump.

1655
01:39:11,472 --> 01:39:13,098
Right.

1656
01:39:13,182 --> 01:39:16,185
One, two, three!

1657
01:39:16,352 --> 01:39:18,604
Yeah!

1658
01:39:22,274 --> 01:39:26,028
<i>And that's the story
of how one magical wish</i>

1659
01:39:26,111 --> 01:39:30,532
<i>forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.</i>

1660
01:39:30,949 --> 01:39:35,662
<i>Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their
torrid love affair for quite some time.</i>

1661
01:39:35,746 --> 01:39:39,041
<i>One afternoon, Ted was caught
behind the deli counter</i>

1662
01:39:39,124 --> 01:39:42,586
<i>eating potato salad off of
Tami-Lynn's bare bottom.</i>

1663
01:39:42,669 --> 01:39:46,090
<i>He was instantly
promoted to store manager.</i>

1664
01:39:46,465 --> 01:39:48,759
<i>Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood</i>

1665
01:39:48,842 --> 01:39:51,428
<i>with the goal of
restarting his film career.</i>

1666
01:39:51,512 --> 01:39:53,430
<i>He currently resides in Burbank</i>

1667
01:39:53,514 --> 01:39:55,474
<i>where he shares
a studio apartment</i>

1668
01:39:56,308 --> 01:39:57,810
<i>with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.</i>

1669
01:39:57,893 --> 01:40:01,605
<i>Remember Brandon Routh from
that God-awful Superman movie?</i>

1670
01:40:01,688 --> 01:40:03,148
<i>Jesus Christ!</i>

1671
01:40:03,232 --> 01:40:07,111
<i>Thanks for getting our hopes up
and taking a giant shit on us.</i>

1672
01:40:07,486 --> 01:40:10,697
<i>Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.</i>

1673
01:40:10,781 --> 01:40:13,700
<i>Not long afterward, he fell
into a deep depression</i>

1674
01:40:13,784 --> 01:40:16,120
<i>and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.</i>

1675
01:40:16,578 --> 01:40:19,081
<i>Donny was arrested
by Boston police</i>

1676
01:40:19,164 --> 01:40:21,917
<i>and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.</i>

1677
01:40:22,000 --> 01:40:24,545
<i>The charges were dropped
when everyone realized</i>

1678
01:40:24,628 --> 01:40:27,131
<i>how completely stupid
that sounded.</i>

1679
01:40:27,589 --> 01:40:31,009
<i>Robert got a trainer, lost a
substantial amount of weight</i>

1680
01:40:31,093 --> 01:40:32,386
<i>and went on to become.</i>

1681
01:40:32,469 --> 01:40:34,513
<i>Taylor Lautner.</i>

1682
01:40:34,638 --> 01:40:36,638
THE END