[♪ acoustic rock plays]
- How much? - Two dollars.
All right.
- There you go. - Thanks.
Sadie. Those aren't ours. Sorry, sorry.
- Let's go find Mommy. - Sadie.
Thank you.
[chuckles]
Officer Washburn, how you doing today?
Ned, you always have the most gorgeous rhubarb.
It's Willie Nelson's poo that gives it that glow.
- My dog, Willie Nelson. - Oh. [laughs] Hey, Willie.
Is that true? [chuckles]
Um... Listen, Ned...
...you wouldn't happen to know where I could get some, uh... [clicks tongue]
- You know what I mean? - What?
Roll it up, toke it up, do it up.
- Mary Jane... - You know, officer... [laughs]
...even if I did, do you really think I'd tell you?
Oh, uh...
You're right, I'm sorry.
It's... it's been a hard week, you know?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But, not your problem.
You have a good day.
Officer.
Here you go, officer, have some rhubarb.
Hey, thanks, man. Wow.
- [laughs] How much do I owe you? - Nothing.
Seriously, I understand. I know what it's like to have a hard week.
Well, thank you, but I wouldn't be able to enjoy it unless I...
- [sniffs] - [laughs]
All right, if you insist. Uh...
Twenty bucks.
- Twenty bucks? [laughs] - Yeah.
- Put it back into the produce. - Twenty bucks.
- All right, thank you. - Excellent.
- You're under arrest. - [laughs]
- Really. - [groans] Oh!
- [laughs] - You're under arrest.
Oh, shit.
Willie Nelson didn't do anything.
It's gonna be OK, Willie Nelson.
It's gonna be all right.
So, Kaplan, from Westbank Capital, right,
he stands up, bids $25,000.
This is like a $500 bottle of wine, $480, right.
- OK. - Great, yeah. Good night.
OK.
- Take this off. - [phone rings]
Damn it. What?
Jeremy, my pilot light's out again.
Well, just use a match, you moron.
Last time I did that I almost singed off my eyeball.
Will you just come up and do the thing with the thing
behind the thing that you did? It'll take two minutes.
Goddamn it. OK, I'll be up in five minutes. OK?
- What?! - Are you having sex?
- OK, I'll be right there. - You're gonna leave right now?
I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I just have to help her out.
- No. - I'm a good neighbor.
[indistinct chatter]
Huh! It's, uh, 7:35, you know kids these days.
It's so depressing.
Your friends from the law firm will be here, right?
Yeah, but it's casual Friday.
OK, what does that mean?
A lot of bad lawyer clothes.
One of the things about being the dumb, slutty one
is that it gives you a unique perspective.
So, Ralph and I are doing it on the ping pong table,
you know, fucking. [chuckles]
[clears throat]
Hey.
[laughs] Oh, my God. What have you done to your vagina?
It's a Brazilian.
Bizarre.
[deep breath]
[Ned] See you later, Campbell! Take good care of that leg.
- Take care. - [man] Hey! Hope I don't see you again.
[♪ Tony Orlando and Dawn: "Tie a Yellow Ribbon ('Round the Ole Oak Tree)"]
♪ I'm coming home I've done my time
♪ Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
♪ If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
♪ Then you'll know just what to do
♪ If you still want me
♪ Then you still want me
♪ Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the ole oak tree
♪ It's been three long years Do you still want me?
♪ If I don't see a ribbon 'round the ole oak tree
♪ I'll stay on the bus Forget about us
♪ Put the blame on me
♪ If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round
- ♪ The ole oak tree ♪ - [chickens clucking]
- Get back. - [rooster crowing]
You stay cool, little mama.
Not in front of the chickens, babe...
- Sweetie! Hey, sweetheart. - Ned! Whoa.
- Whoa. What are you doing here, man? - They let me go early.
Good behavior. I won Most Cooperative Inmate, four months running.
- Of course you were. - I missed you so much.
- Baby, I... - Hey, man.
Hi.
Ned, this is Billy. Billy, this is... Ned.
Oh. I've heard a lot about you. How's it going, Ned?
Janet's told me a lot of stuff about you. Some of it's pretty intense.
I've made some changes since you've been gone.
I told her to tell you earlier, but you know what she's like...
Billy, you said you'd be supportive.
- Sorry, man. - It's all right.
It's cool you're out of jail.
- I'll let you guys do this. - All right.
Thanks, Billy.
[Sighs] Wow, man. Well... where do I go now?
Ned, you had, like, eight months to think about this.
Yeah, but for eight months I thought I was coming back here.
I mean, I've lived here for three years.
- I lived here before you lived here. - It's not a contest!
Dude, this is what happens when you don't use your head.
Can you just think for a minute what it was like for me these past few months?
You? Well, you know, where's... Where's Willie Nelson?
- Willie Nelson? Willie! - [dog whimpers]
Willie! Hey, buddy!
- We'll be fine. - But Willie Nelson is not your dog.
Tim, who's my friend, left him here.
Willie, who do you wanna live with? Who do you wanna live with?
That is so not cool, Ned.
Are you seriously gonna put that dog in that position?
Look, I am really happy that you got out of prison.
But it is not fair to uproot this animal. He loves it here.
I'm not gonna uproot him. I'm still gonna work here.
Well, you think that Dave is gonna take you back after what you did?
- Well, I'm still taking him with me. - Where?
- Where, Ned? - I...
That's what I thought. Come on, Willie Nelson. Come on.
- Let's go. - Come on! How can you do this to me?
To us?
We've had three beautiful years, man. Let me go.
Not me and you, me and Willie Nelson.
Let's go.
- Come here. Get inside. - Oh. Geez, Louise.
[♪ Willie Nelson: "Wonderful Future"]
♪ Today as I walk through my garden
♪ Of dreams
♪ I'm alone in the sweet
[Billy] Where do you want me to drop you, man?
Anywhere. Here's fine.
♪ My past and my present
- ♪ Are one and the same - Hey, man, you gonna be all right?
- ♪ And the future holds - Yeah.
♪ Nothing for me
- ♪ Yesterday's kisses... - Buddy, you can't come with me.
Don't you start crying, too, OK?
♪ And yesterday's memories still find me
- ♪ Scenes from the past - I can't...
♪ Keep returning
♪ I've got a wonderful future behind me
[truck engine starts]
[dog whining]
♪ You say there is happiness
♪ Waiting for me
♪ But I know... ♪
Hey, man, Janet's been trying to rent out that old goat barn.
If you could get two months worth of rent together, then maybe you could...
Seriously? Well, what's she asking per month?
Well, she's been asking $400,
but for you, she'd probably give it to you for $500.
You think she'd go for it?
You just worry about getting that money together.
I'll take care of Janet.
Right on. Thanks, man.
[Ned] Hey, just remember,
Omega-3s for the blepharitis, it helps with everything.
- [man] Thanks for the tip, Ned. - [Ned] Thanks, Hauser.
You know what the worst part is? She's insisting on keeping Willie Nelson.
- No! - [all gasp] No, way!
I thought she was a Buddhist or something.
I'm so sorry, I know how much you love him.
- That sucks, Ned. - Yeah, it's really tough,
but you know what I'm gonna do is get some money together
and I'm gonna rent the goat barn on the back 40, so...
The goat barn. Pff. Better hurry up on that one.
- Yeah. - How much you need for the goat barn?
I'm sure we could rustle up some cash for you?
Um, I thought we agreed as a family not to loan each other money.
Yeah, no, right, obviously.
Because then we would've blown through Dylan's inheritance by now.
I just thought that it would be, you know, better if Ned were to...
...earn it himself.
For Ned, yeah, for you.
Absolutely, no, for sure. I'm not a charity case.
I wanna work, so if you hear of anything, any odd jobs or anything,
please, let me know, because...
Maybe there's something on your movie you could...
There wouldn't... No, no.
No. No, we're pretty well-staffed at the moment.
Yeah, sorry, it's...
[Natalie] You know what you really need is to get laid.
I have, like, five hot roommates, a couple of them would totally fuck you.
- Definitely. - Dude,
can we discuss living with that many people at this age?
I mean, it's kind of gnarly.
Well, actually, we looked at a two-bedroom in Brooklyn Heights.
- Right, Nat? - For you two?
- That's awesome. - Good! That's so exciting!
- Can I come check it out? - Yeah, of course.
Contain your enthusiasm, Nat.
No, it's just...
I get worried, because...
...people who move in together always end up either breaking up
or getting married.
- OK. - No, no, no, no.
Why would you say that in front of everybody? I don't understand.
[both whispering]
- Come here. - OK.
[woman] Take a breath, Mom.
- Relax, take a breath. - We have to go. Seth has a show.
- Yeah. Who's Seth? - I have a deadline. I'm gonna go too.
What about cake? Aren't we gonna play a game or something?
[Dylan] We should probably get going as well.
Hey, sunshine, we gotta get home and practice your shehnai.
You're right.
I'll cut you a slice, River, you can take it with you.
Oh, no, he had a cupcake yesterday.
We're off sugar today. Thanks, though, Ned.
[sister] Such a lucky kid, gets a cupcake once a week.
So, I'll see you guys next week, OK?
- Bye, Mom! - You guys really have to go so soon?
It's still light out.
I know, but I'm so psyched to have you next week.
- Yeah, to next week! Bye, guys. - [Natalie] Cindy!
- [Cindy] Coming, coming! - [horn honks]
Our door is always open, Ned.
We'll see you next week, OK? Bye!
Bye!
You know, Nedly, I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
Even though you've never had a real job and that problem with the jail business,
and you've never given me any grandchildren.
Yeah, well...
Any plans for tomorrow?
I don't even know where to begin.
Then we'll drive over to Calico Corner, I gotta get a new button.
- You need any? - I'm OK.
Let's get an early start, we'll beat the crowds.
OK.
[sighs] I'm glad you're staying here.
Nighty-night.
- Good night, Mom. - Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[slowly] I'm... Officer... Omar... Coleman.
I'm... your... parole... officer.
I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?
I just figured, looking at your sheet,
that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer
that you must be retarded.
- [laughs] Yeah, I get that a lot. - Right.
You need a signed rental agreement in your name
or written confirmation that you're staying with a family member.
OK. Well, currently I'm staying with my mom in Long Island. Although, I...
You're required to appear before me every three weeks,
at which time you'll provide me with a urine sample. You understand?
Oh, yes, sir, Your Honor.
State of New York requires you to reflect upon the choices
that led to your incarceration.
- Cool. - Cool.
Um, what steps are you taking to avoid such choices in the future?
Uh... I'll tell you, that's really tough...
...tough for me, sir. I don't really...
Hmm. Hm.
Wow, that's a good question. I don't... It's tough to answer right now.
I haven't thought about it that much, but,
I don't know. I mean, I'm not gonna be working at the farm anymore.
- OK. - Although, you might not want to
write that one down, 'cause it's not so much a step, per se.
Because it's not my choice. I'd love to be working there,
but my girlfriend, Janet, doesn't want it to happen really.
How about we put down you're staying away from past criminal associates?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
- If you think that's best. - Yeah.
You know what? I'll think about it and I'll try and come back next time
with some more steps and options, that kind of thing, for our next meeting.
- You do that, buddy. - This is cool, man.
- Yeah. - This is like...
This is like free therapy. New York State cares.
Is that it? That's it?
- That's it. - My 50 minutes are up?
- Yeah. - All right, man. OK.
- OK. - Thanks a lot.
Hey, is it lame if I bail on Nat's show?
Yeah. Then no one will be there.
What the hell is that noise?
- Oh, that's River's shehnai. - [croaking instrument sound]
You have no idea how competitive admissions have gotten.
God, Ned just showed up.
- I'll call you back. - All right, bye.
Hi.
- You said your door was always open. - I did, yeah.
I hope this is OK, Ned.
Are you kidding? This is great.
My God, I get to rock the full-on slumber party
with my man River every night.
I mean, Mom's great and all, but...
Oh. No, Ned, it's all right. I get it.
So, the deal is, if it's OK with you,
you'll get $250 a week, you'll help us out with River,
and you get to work with Dylan on the documentary.
Yeah, I hope you don't have to fire anyone to make room for me, Dyl.
Oh, yeah, but it's family first, right?
You guys.
[grunts]
[indistinct chatter]
[Ned] Come on, bud, let's go.
[percussive music plays]
- [shouting] - [River laughs]
[both laughing]
So, you're telling me you've never seen The Pink Panther?
Mom and Dad don't like violent movies.
Yeah, but it's not violent, it's hilarious.
- Nobody's actually getting hurt. - Mm-hmm.
Get on your feet. Come on, come here.
On your feet, River Rochlin Byng.
[karate greeting]
Welcome to my dojo.
Give me a chop.
- What was that? - Karate chop.
That was a...? That wasn't a chop. You know what that was? That was this...
- Chop me. Do it. - [laughs]
- How about this? - Oh! Ah!
[laughing]
Christ! It's after 1 0:00, for Christ's sakes, River has school in the morning.
Oh, God, sorry, yeah. I must've lost track of time again.
Ned, what's the laptop doing in his bedroom?
We were just watching Pink Panther.
We loaned you the computer for your resume, not to look at pink panthers.
No, The Pink... It's just Pink Panther.
This country's obsessed with screens.
He's seven years-old, for Christ's sakes.
- [crashing] - Ahh.
Whoops.
- Good night, Riv. - Good night.
[Natalie] I mean, he's not like a criminal or anything,
he's just a fuck-up who needs help.
Well, if he's got any of your genes, I'd be happy to throw him a few bucks
- to do a little modeling. - That would be awesome.
Then he'd have cash and somewhere to go.
Sure. Hey, have you heard of Sustainable Upgrade?
Sustainable Upgrade, it's a life-coaching program.
It saved me. I was like your brother is now, floating.
[laughs]
Waiting for someone to give me a sense of purpose.
Cool, I'll tell him.
Want to come to a meeting too?
- Mmm, I don't know. - No.
You are capable of extraordinary things, Natalie.
You just have to let yourself go there.
[laughs] It's not like a cult, is it?
Cult? [laughs] No.
No. I'll tell you what, I'll take you both.
Just check it out, no pressure.
[classical piano music plays]
What we're doing is we're filming this documentary movie
about Tatiana.
And all of the artistic repression that she faced in Belorussia.
What I'd love to get from you guys would be signatures on these releases.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
- [Ned] Excuse me, ladies... - Jesus.
Ah! [laughs]
- Man... - [woman] It hurts.
- [Ned] It does. It does, God! - [woman] I know.
I think I need leg warmers.
- My Croc is stuck. - Hey.
- Is this joker bothering you?
No, not at all. He's very cute.
He's pretty funny.
You wanna go grab the bags, take them down to the car?
Sure. I told her you're my brother-in-law.
She didn't know you were married.
- Oh. - No.
You gotta look at this thing she can do with her leg. This is amazing. Show him.
- Look at...! - I've just been shooting this stuff.
But, hey, I never tire of it.
[laughs] Look at this. I can get it... This is how high I can go.
[both laugh]
I know. You just did it five seconds ago.
Oh, yeah. I didn't know if you saw it.
Well, I've been here, like, 25 seconds.
Oh. [laughs]
- Go get the bags, wise-guy. - [laughs]
Well, sure thing. I'll go get 'em, boss.
Seriously, go get the bags.
Oh, yeah, yeah. OK.
- [laughing, banging] - [Ned] Ah!
Oh, right in my gluteus maximus!
- Get your stinky feet off me. - Stop tickling me!
[Ned] I'm not tickling you, what are you talking about?
So has Nat always been a lesbian?
Oh, no, no, she's open to pretty much anyone.
Boys, girls, old, young, thin, fat.
That's a beautiful thing, actually.
- That is beautiful. - She even slept with our cousin once.
- [man] Dude! What the fuck! - Sorry, sorry... to everybody.
Man, can you hold this? Thanks.
Thanks, man. I feel like an idiot. [laughs]
- You done yet? - No, I still can't go.
[Omar] Gotta get that sample.
Hey, your two job's gonna look good on my monthly stats.
I'm telling you, Omar, good things happen.
- Good things happen. - Yeah, I'll keep that in mind, Ned.
Oh, now if you're gonna move into that barn residence you referred to,
you gotta register the address here within three days of moving in.
Oh, yeah.
One more minute or I'm getting the cranberry juice.
Nope, almost there.
There we go.
- Oh! - [laughs]
Sorry, man, I shouldn't have gone before I came here. I'm so stupid.
I don't know what I was thinking.
- That was funny, Ned. - [laughs]
- Yeah. - You... [laughs]
The car is now 35 minutes late.
If the driver knew there was traffic, why didn't the driver call me then?
Yes, I know, but you see, I'm interviewing a very important person,
in less than 20 minutes and I...
Don't...! [groans]
Jer, see if he's out there for me.
Yep.
This is a disaster, Jer. I cannot be late for this.
- [sighs] Jesus Christ. - No.
[groans] I can't believe I'm calling this person.
Who is she exactly?
Lady Arabella Galloway, heir presumptive to the House of Stuart,
one of the wealthiest women in the world.
Jesus.
Yeah, her creepy ex-boyfriend stole ten million dollars from the family,
and then sold their sex tape to pay his legal bills.
He's a gem. OK, Ned, you gotta do me a favor.
First of all, we need to step on it, we're really late.
Next of all, maybe don't say anything stupid.
Actually, don't say anything at all. Just keep your mouth shut.
This is the first time I'm writing about an actual person, not just moisturizer.
So I really can't fuck it up.
- Hi, Lady Arabella. - Hi.
- Miranda Rochlin, Vanity Fair. - Nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you. Here, just jump right in.
So sorry that we were late. The town car was stuck in traffic,
- this is my sister's car, I had to... - It's OK.
- OK. I feel horrible. - No, it's lovely to meet you.
- Thank you, you too. - Hi, I'm Arabella.
You can introduce yourself, Ned.
Oh, yes. I'm Ned.
- I'm her brother. - Yeah, he's just my brother.
That's... that's all.
So, are you two a team?
Us? No. Hm-mm. No.
I'm just kind of doing this as an odd job.
- Yeah. - Been out of the workforce for a while.
- Really? Where were you? - Oh, I was sort of in jail.
Oh. He's not a... He's not a criminal or anything,
he's just an organic farmer that made a stupid mistake. So...
- Well, biodynamic, actually. - OK, Ned.
What is biodynamic, exactly? I've never understood the difference.
Planting kind of depends on the lunar calendar.
- Species of lettuce, for example... - Thank you, Ned.
Arabella? I was thinking we should get started.
OK, my lawyer said you agreed not to ask about him and the whole YouTube thing.
Absolutely, yeah. Everybody's dated a jerk,
so at the end of the day, that is just an old, boring story.
- OK. Good. - Yeah.
No, what I'm truly fascinated by is the work you are doing with Destiny's House.
[Arabella] It's the same story for all of them.
Seduced at 1 3 or 1 4 by grown men who make them feel loved
and then brainwash them into prostitution.
- So sad. - Yeah.
Well, I guess we're all capable of trusting the wrong person.
Are you speaking from personal experience?
Hey, Ebony, thank you for the playlist.
- Love Major Lazer. - [girl] No problem.
[Arabella] And then there's Shanequa, she got really into boxing.
Not just like boxing matches, more like fight training.
- Shanequa? - [Ned] Yeah, you know my nephew River
wants to do something like that, but Liz won't have anything to do with it.
- Is that the lesbian sister? - [Ned] That's Nat.
She's really more of a bisexual. Or at least formerly-bisexual.
I don't know how you describe it. How would you describe Nat?
- Arabella, I was wondering... - [Arabella] If you guys are interested,
you should come to the benefit we're having on Sunday.
- Benefit? Oh, yeah! - The girls will be there.
That could be great.
- I do have this deadline, though. - [laughs] Man, I love it.
One minute I'm scrubbing toilets at Marble Valley Regional with Dom,
cut to: I'm on the charity circuit.
- [Ned sipping] Mm. - [Arabella] It's good, right?
- [woman] Are you convinced? - Nice, nice.
Way to tell it true, yeah.
Anybody else? How about you? Beth?
Share your story.
Sure.
Hi, everyone, my name is Beth Phillips
and I'm from Paramus, New Jersey.
- Hey, Beth. - [Beth laughs]
[Beth] Uh, I used to call myself a romance addict.
And then, I went in the win room.
And came out knowing I just used sex to make me feel like I was in control.
But now, I'm engaged to marry a man who actually loves me.
He's so awesome. He just knit me a scarf.
[applause]
[woman] Isn't that a beautiful testimony?
Let's go to the win room.
[Natalie] So now, um, I'm in my crib and...
...this time my sister's not strangling me.
She's hugging me and...
I feel so positive and, like, really, like, clear.
Like I can do anything.
- Yes, you can. You can do anything. - [applause]
That's a great win, Natalie.
- Yeah. - [man] It was beautiful.
Hydrate.
What about you, Ned? What are you feeling?
Uhh...
I just... I feel really hot.
Right. Do you want to expand on that?
All I want is to take that pitcher and just dump it
onto my penis and balls.
Move on through it. Come away from the testicles and up to your higher self.
- I think I'm gonna throw up. - Don't throw up in this tent.
Can I please have water without win?
Without a win? Can I please have water without a win? Can you give me some?
Don't enable him. Don't...
Ned?
- I'm fine, really. - You're gonna be fine, man.
- We just gotta take you in, all right? - Are you sure I can't come? I want to.
No, no, really. I'm fine. I promise. You kids enjoy yourselves.
And, seriously, congratulations on your wins.
I love you, Ned, bye.
[sirens wails]
[moaning]
Cite Ohio v. McNally, Doug.
Oliver Wendell Holmes 1 01.
[laughs]
Yeah, I'll be in in about 40 minutes. We can talk about it then. OK.
- You're so smart. - Thanks, baby.
- You really have to go? - Yeah. I do.
[car horns honking]
OK...
You know, Ned... Uh...
...maybe you should wait here. I've got to do an interview with Tatiana,
- which could be a little sensitive. - Really, how so?
Well, it's too sensitive, you know, even to discuss.
- Wow. - Why don't you chill out in the car,
- while I go and do it. - Yeah.
- Do you need any help? - No, just chill out in the car.
All right.
[siren wails]
Come on.
How we doing this evening?
Good. Good. Everything's great, officer.
I'm on parole.
- Any trouble here? - No, no trouble at all.
My brother-in-law's doing a documentary up in the building up there,
and I'm just...
This is my job, to watch this.
No trouble, we're not breaking the law.
You're in a 24-hour tow zone.
You gotta move this vehicle, tow truck's behind me.
Well, all right. Thank you for your service.
Ahh.
Just gotta get the keys!
Dylan! Dylan!
- Dylan! - [gasping]
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just really need the car keys.
I told you never to interrupt me when I'm working.
Yeah, sorry about that, man. I need the keys, we're gonna get towed.
Wait, wait, wait. Why are they towing the car? What the fuck did you do?!
- I didn't do anything. - That was your one responsibility, Ned.
Your one responsibility!
Hey, Tatiana. Sorry!
[bicycle bell ringing]
- Ned, interviewing is an art form. - [car starts]
When you ask someone to be vulnerable or naked, you have to be naked too,
to make them feel comfortable.
- That make sense? - Yeah, I guess.
Great.
- This piece is about Destiny's House. - [sighs]
We need more details about her.
- This woman's been through a lot. - I know.
Robbie, we agreed with the publicist not to go there.
The publicist is not writing this, Miranda.
You are.
Your job is to break through to her, get her to show a little leg.
- Come on, you're so charming. - I know.
You begged me to get you this assignment.
You want to get your first story killed?
[sighs]
It's just getting to be too much.
River's interview is in three days time. I want him to be...
...enigmatic, erudite, wise, incandescent.
I can't just kick him out. I'll talk to him.
What, you just decided unilaterally?
No, it's just he's family, Dylan.
I can't just turn my back on him for no reason.
Well, can't one of you just take him, please? He's driving Dylan crazy.
No, all we have is that storage room and Dan's friends from the Ukraine
are staying there. There's, like, six of them.
I can't do it. I've got a crazy deadline, I really need to focus.
OK, well, thank you guys for your help.
I need to find you.
Cato!
[grunting]
What? Where did you go?
- Hiya! - [River screaming]
[thumping]
So, River, I like your name.
It's better than Echo.
- Echo? - That's my sister.
River was conceived in India, near the Ganges.
So what kind of things do you like to do, River?
- Fighting. - Fighting?
- [laughs] What kind of fighting? - Kun Gek Do.
River, why don't you tell Judith about the shehnai?
He's very, very good, actually.
- When his hand has healed... - Kun Gek Do.
I've never heard of that one before. Tell me about that.
It's totally cool. Some of the moves are just like Taekwondo.
You know, kicking... [shouts]
...and chopping. [shouting]
What's special about it is that the guys can also throw and choke you...
- [Dylan] Whoa! - [Liz] That's enough! I'm so sorry.
Seriously, I have no idea what he's talking about.
Oh, God! [laughs]
Riv, where'd you learn about this?
- Uncle Ned and I found it on YouTube. - YouTube? What?
- Ned's so funny. - Tell me about Uncle Ned.
He just got out of jail.
In Japan, for protesting about whales...
...Iike the slaughter of whales.
I thought you said he sold drugs to a policeman?
- Oh. - [sighs]
None of this would be possible if it wasn't for this amazing woman,
Rachel, who is a personal hero to all of us girls.
[applause]
All right!
It's lovely to see you. Thank you.
- Arabella, hi! That was amazing. - Thank you, Miranda.
And you look great. Whose dress are you wearing?
- Mine. - You're so clever.
- Thanks for coming. - Seriously, though, I'd love to know...
[sighs]
I don't understand. So this cop, he just came up
- and he had the hat, the badge... - Yeah.
Well, no, he didn't have a hat. I just thought he was, like, you know...
..."Brother, help a brother out," you know?
- I don't even... - [laughing]
- You're laughing at me. - I'm not laughing at you.
- You're totally laughing. - I'm laughing at the story, not you.
[chuckles] Here's the thing, I...
I live my life a certain way.
And that is that I like to think that if you put your trust out there,
I mean, if you really...
...give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions,
they're gonna want to live up to it.
It doesn't always work out, clearly.
But, more often than not, I think that if you do,
people will rise to the occasion. I really believe that.
It's very sweet, Ned.
You think I'm an idiot like everybody else.
No, I don't think you're an idiot.
I think that's a really good way to live your life.
I mean, I'm the same. At least, I was, yeah.
Until I met the fucking Chilean.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What happened?
[elevator dings]
So, I mean, I didn't stab him, I just was trying to scare him.
You must think I'm a total psychopath.
I think you're fucking awesome.
I do. Hey, you wanna go out with me sometime?
Oh. No, not really. But thanks for asking. That's really sweet.
[Liz] You should have seen him, Ned.
He was flying around the room like a maniac.
I mean, Kum Kak Do, is that what it's called?
- Kun Gek Do. - What?
- Kun Gek Do. - What were you thinking?
Liz, every time he sees those boys doing karate in class,
you should see the look on his face.
He so badly wants to be there.
Dylan and I aren't interested in those values, Ned.
Sorry.
You know, he's just a little boy.
Little boys fight.
Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.
I'm sorry.
- Bye. - Bye.
Here, Ned. It's just a little something.
Look, I know you tried.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
No, no, no, I am.
Wait, what?
How much more do you need to move back to that sheep farm, or whatever?
Three hundred.
- Oh, yeah, Ned. - Oh, my God, are you...? Miranda.
- Here you go, there's $300. Go home. - Wait, Miranda.
- Thank you so much. - OK, I love that she paid you off,
but not, like, the full amount. [laughs]
Well, you know, she has her own way of doing things.
They both do, I mean...
Hey, you wanna hear something weird?
Do you know that Dylan shoots in the nude?
What? That's... disgusting.
Well, I mean, not all the time, just certain situations.
Like, if Tatiana's nude, then he has to be nude.
- It makes her feel more comfortable. - Why is Tatiana naked?
Why is anybody naked?
It's to shoot her scars of oppression, or something.
Oh, please. He's fucking her.
[sighs] Man, I had a feeling about that.
God, I just didn't want to believe it!
- [gasps] - I mean, all those humanitarian awards.
I've got to call Nat. [gasps] Whoa!
Hey, Dune's on Showtime, director's cut. You want...?
- Hey. - Hey, hi.
Sorry, didn't know you... had company.
- No, he's nobody. - If you're busy...
That's my brother, Ned.
- Oh, this is Ned? - Yeah.
- Ned! Hey! - Jeremy, Ned. Ned, Jeremy.
- Hey, man, Jeremy. Nice to meet you. - How's it going? Nice to meet you.
You, too, Jeremy. I'll watch Dune with you.
- Yeah? Me too. - I love that movie.
"Father, the sleeper has awakened!"
You don't have to throw yourself at him, Ned.
"Father!"
Hey, by the way, thanks for going with Miranda to that benefit.
- She always makes me do that shit. - Oh, hey, man, it's all good.
Jeremy finds it a burden to shave, but he loves free food.
- That's true. - [Ned] I had a great time, actually.
I tell you, that Arabella she is one cool chick.
She's so pretty and so smart and funny and strong.
My God, after everything she's been through. All the humiliation with
- the South American guy, stabbing... - Nat, oh, my God. Guess... Wait.
Hey, Miranda, do you have any toothpaste I can borrow?
I'll call you back. Ned, what did you just say?
I said, "Do you have any toothpaste I can borrow?"
No, no, no. Arabella and a stabbing?
What did she tell you?
Oh, I don't know. It's kind of private.
- Ned, who just gave you $300? - You.
Yeah. Plus, I feel like you just wanted to tell us.
You were basically just practically telling us the whole story.
Come on, Ned, spit it out.
Come on, Ned.
She was in South America, there was a stabbing, just give us the rest of it.
[quacking]
[clucking]
[crowing]
- The goat barn? - Yeah.
Ned, why would I want a past lover living in my backyard?
Billy said that you'd be cool with it.
Oh, fuck, man, I totally forgot to ask her.
That's my bad, man, all the way.
I understand. Look, you won't even notice that I'm here.
Ned, I'm so sorry, it's not gonna happen.
- [dog barking] - Willie Nelson!
- [barking] - [Janet] Whoa.
- Put Willie Nelson back in the house! - What?
[Billy] Janet said no.
Sorry, man.
- Come on, Willie Nelson. - You're not gonna let me see him?
You know what, I was hoping I wouldn't have to say this,
but I don't think you've given me any other choice.
How many times did you make me throw Willie Nelson outside in the cold
because you didn't want mud tracked in the house, huh?
How many times did you insult him by telling him he had bad breath?
Whoa, man, do you understand that you come here to this farm,
you put Willie Nelson in the middle of all your bullshit,
and you traumatize him. Is that what you want?
Why can't you just let him live with someone who loves him?
Stop with the violence, man!
- You made me raise my voice. - [softly] Sorry.
I'm feel really affronted right now, man, on my own property.
Get your book bag, get out of here.
You know what, you know what? Wow.
Seriously, that is just...
- I mean, come on. - [sheep baa's]
[toilet flushes]
She's not even gonna budge unless there's some sort of official action
or something. Is there any kind of motion, or like injunction or something
that you can file? I mean...
I don't know. I don't want to sound conceited or anything,
but I really am the better caregiver.
You can sue her, but I'm not gonna let that hippie bitch put you through that.
You don't think we have a case?
I mean, she's splitting hairs when she says
it was her friend Tim that left him with us.
Look, you have a case, but you don't need one.
That dog is yours and you're gonna go back there and you're gonna get him.
I don't think I can ask her again, Cin.
No, no, no, Ned.
We're not gonna ask, we're gonna take.
- We? - Yeah. Who's the man?
- You are? - Who's the man, Ned?
Jesus. Me.
Yes, say it. Who's the man?
- Who's the man? - No, say it... "I'm the man."
- You're the man. I'm the man. - You're the man! You're the man!
- That's right. I'm the man. - Say it! Say it!
- I'm the man! - Louder!
- I'm the man! - Yes! Come on.
- [music plays] - Pum!
It's a sign.
[indistinct chatter]
[♪ Willie Nelson: "Midnight Rider"]
♪ I gotta run to keep from hidin'
♪ And I'm bound to keep on ridin'
♪ And I got one more silver dollar
♪ I ain't gonna let 'em catch me, no
♪ I ain't gonna let 'em catch the midnight rider ♪
- Hi. - Hey.
- [laughs]
[mutters]
Natalie says you haven't had sex in like a year.
She told you that?
Max and I think you're really cute.
Oh, uh...
Thanks.
Thanks, Max.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
I'm sorry, I can't... I'm so sorry.
I can't do it.
I think your erection in my leg totally threw me.
I'm so sorry, I'm really embarrassed.
I'm so... I'm so...
I'm sorry.
- I'm such a jerk. - You're really not a jerk.
No, maybe I should've tried harder or just...
- You know. - Ned.
Dude, just 'cause you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.
I just feel bad, you know? They seemed pretty into me.
Well, they'll get over it. Let's...
- We can look around this place. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Let's try and find you one woman.
- [Ned] Hm! She seems kind of fun. - Yeah, sex would be awesome,
but then she'd make you go to rock shows.
- Oh, sweet! - Really?
Sweet? You'd be psyched to go to some rock club?
See a band called, like, Paint Store...
-...or something? - [laughs] Not really.
No, you don't.
What about those ones over there?
[Jeremy] Lindsay and her friend, they're gonna analyze every word
of every text you ever send her.
[Ned] I like the name Lindsay.
[Jeremy] But they're both named Lindsay.
Look what she's reading, it's like a novelization of Us Weekly.
- [laughs] - [Jeremy] Exhausting.
[Ned] Ooh, look at that one. Look at that girl.
[Jeremy] Oh, yeah, that would be great, if you wanted, you know,
to date your sister!
- What's wrong with my sister? - Nothing's wrong with your sister.
Why, you wanna date your sister? You're a wild man.
No, I don't wanna date my sister. But what about you?
- Me? Date your sister? - Yeah. Right.
Miranda? What are you talking about?
- Well, it's obvious. - What's obvious?
That you guys totally love each other.
OK, I love Miranda, but...
- I know. -...she's bossy.
- [laughs] Yeah. She is. - She's a bossy person.
She's like, "Jeremy, help me move everything in my apartment around?
You know, it'll only take two minutes." And then it's like...
- [laughs] -...all day.
I mean, she's great, she's pretty, she's very pretty,
that's undeniable, but relationship-wise and...
...pardon me, but sexually, I don't know if I could deal with it.
[sighs] Every man I meet is either a dick or a loser.
What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a loser, either.
Well, that's debatable, he doesn't even have health insurance.
Neither do I, at least I don't think I do.
- [man] Here you go. - I just want to meet a real man, Ned.
I asked for that side-by-side, not swirled. Thanks.
- [man] Sure. - Whatever.
I mean you two are obviously not headed in that direction.
He thinks the idea is as ludicrous as you do.
Hey, man, can I try some acai berry?
- [man] Yeah. - Wait, wait. I'm sorry, what?
- Why is that? - I don't know, I don't know.
What he said, it didn't make any sense.
Why are we even talking about this? Tell me what he said, Ned.
He said you can be a tad bossy.
[laughs]
And you're not really his type, physically. That was it, but...
- Wait, what? - Hey, man, how's pomegranate?
- [man] It's terrific. - Why, because I'm not 1 4?
- [man] How's that? - [laughing]
Ned, tell me exactly what he said.
- God, do I have to? - Yes.
[urinating]
[sighs] Fuck.
[indistinct chatter]
- [Miranda] So, where's Dylan today? - [Liz] He had to work.
He's been so edgy and... distant.
[sighs] Liz?
Yeah?
I think Dylan's having an affair.
[laughs] What?
- What are you talking about? - Ned told me.
Oh, yeah, OK, Ned. [scoffs]
Let's face it, I mean...
OK, Ned told me the facts. I had to put it together.
He said that Dylan was spending a lot of private time...
...with the woman in his film, Tatiana.
- Tatiana, she's... - Naked.
Maybe it was some, like, dance experiment or...
[Miranda] Liz...
- Do popcorn, Uncle Ned. - In a minute, buddy.
You sure she's gonna be at that concert?
Yeah, she hasn't missed a Dixie Chicks show in... ten years.
And you're sure that she's gonna leave Willie Nelson behind?
According to Billy, she hasn't taken him on an outing in months.
- Poor guy. - She's such a dick.
- [River] Come on, Uncle Ned. - All right, Riv, let's go.
On your back.
- [River laughing] - [Ned] Ah!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby!
[Miranda] His whole "I'm saving the world" thing, it was bullshit, right?
- We always knew it. Fuck him. - Yeah, fuck him.
And his little Russian ballerina bitch.
This is the man I built my life with, what do you expect?
That I just... throw it all away or something?
- No. I don't know. - Maybe.
Damn Ned!
- I never should have let him stay. - This is not Ned's fault.
Everything was going fine until he arrived.
- [Miranda] How is this Ned's fault? - A family is a very precarious thing.
You guys will see when you get it together.
[weeping]
OK, Liz, look.
Don't take this the wrong way,
because Dylan is totally the asshole in this situation for sure.
- He's a douchebag. - I hate his guts. But...
...is it possible that...
...you know, maybe he thought you gave up?
Gave up on what?
You're, you know, this whole...
You used to be so hot, Liz. I remember all my friends lusting after you.
- They thought you were awesome. - Yes! You had the great boobs,
- and you were always tall and... - You're still tall.
- Yeah. - Well, what's wrong with me now?
[Miranda] Well, come on...
Liz, I mean, look. I don't know. What's going on with your hair here?
It's like a science experiment back there.
And I know you own contacts. You're wearing plastic shoes,
and what is this shirt even made of?
- It's flax. - See? I mean, isn't that a food?
- You're wearing food. - What are you saying?
- If only I looked more like you? - What? No.
Got my hair styled every day and wore absurd heels that no one can walk in,
that maybe my husband wouldn't be screwing around on me?!
I'm just trying to help! OK, Liz? That's all!
I hardly think you're in a position to give man advice!
Jesus Christ, you guys, all Miranda's saying is just,
Iike, maybe it would be cool if you just, like,
Iooked semi-fuckable once in a while.
- Thank you! - Oh, God!
I mean, how long has it been since you've had sex?
I don't know! Echo's five months, so, you know...
- Plus nine, it's like... - What?!
- Plus nine?! - Are you kidding me?
That's, like, over a year! How can people live like that? That's...
I am different from you.
I have other things to do than worry about getting my rocks off.
[scoffs] What is that supposed to mean? You think I'm sleeping around?
- I'm not sleeping around! - Nobody thinks that.
- I didn't say that. - I love Cindy.
- This isn't about you, Nat! - It's just seduction is your thing,
- your means to self-esteem. - Ohh!
- I don't care! - Screw you and screw you!
What did I do? Nat! What is up your ass?!
Babe, you OK?
- You're all sweaty. - Babe.
[Ned] They just dump everything on it, sprinkles and like Oreos.
- What about sunflower seeds? - They're actually good.
- They're good? - Yeah.
- What about... - [crying] River, come on.
Sweetie, come on.
Come on, it's time to go, come on. [sniffles]
Come on.
- See ya, buddy. - See ya.
Hey, Riv, check it out.
[laughing]
Grow the hell up, Ned.
[elevator dings]
Hey, read it last night. Quite the story.
PR thinks it's gonna get you on a bunch of talk shows.
[Miranda] Oh, now you're Mr. Moral High Ground?
[Jeremy] No, I didn't say anything.
I love my brother, but let's be honest, he doesn't live in the adult world.
Oh, but your story's adult with all the gory details
- and bitching aside? - Sometimes in the adult world
we have to do things that, you know, we're not very pro...
Let's just drop it, because you wouldn't understand.
I wouldn't understand? Why wouldn't I understand?
Why, because I'm an unpublished sci-fi writer?
- What? Don't be ridiculous. - Oh, no, that's not it. That's not it.
It's because I don't have health insurance. That's what it was.
- Did Ned...? I'm gonna murder him. - I don't know how I found that out.
- He's... - Are you helping at all?
- I'm guiding it. - You're guiding it?
- Someone has to guide... - Let go. You weren't doing anything.
- That's what he said? - [Miranda] Hey, Ned!
Really? You had to go and tell Jeremy about that little stupid thing I said
about the health insurance? Why are you such a blabbermouth?
Is that my brush? Ew! What are you doing?
I don't wanna know.
Uh...
I'm surprised that you even asked my opinion on your work,
since... Wait, I'm not even a grown-up? Is that what it was?
Ned! That...
OK, what you don't understand is that my brother is a retard.
- [Jeremy] Oh, OK. - That's true.
[Miranda] See? Thank you.
No, I mean, she didn't say that at all.
What she was that you're not like a real man.
- Ned! Wait! - That's much better.
- No... - That's great. Thank you, Miranda.
Oh, no, no, no, no! This is just...
This is just a breakdown of communication.
- Obviously. Really nice, Miranda. - Don't try to make me feel bad
about any of this when, according to you, I'm... What was it, Ned?
-...hideously ugly. - What?
- Yeah. - I didn't say that.
Miranda, I would never say that about you.
- He so didn't say that about you. - Thank you, tell her I didn't say that.
He said your personality gets in the way of your looks, your very good looks.
Dude... do you have Tourettes?
- What the fuck? - Wow.
This is much worse than I thought it was.
- I didn't say that. - I don't even know why I care.
Because the idea of the two of you sitting around, talking about girls,
is so pathetic, it's almost funny.
It's almost funny?
I don't see you laughing right now.
It doesn't seem like you think it's funny at all.
OK, um, here's your story.
Thank you for letting me read your wonderful article.
Hope you sleep well. Ned, you might wanna take a look at that.
- See you later. - Jer.
- Give me that, Ned! - [door slams]
[sighs]
Keep your mouth shut, Ned, just keep it shut!
- Sorry. - He's like my best friend.
- Thanks a lot! - I'm sorry.
This is like in prison when I told Bob about Jose.
I'm pretty sure it's nothing like that.
I mean, is there anything more bothersome than a mom cliché?
Mom's heart is in the right place.
- Mom means well. - [chuckles]
Or, the crowning glory of terrible mom clichés...
I mean...
Um...
I'm gonna be...
...right back.
[Natalie] What?
Nat, are you all right?
Are you sick?
- I'm pregnant. - What?
Oh, my God, that...! Congratulations, man!
That's so awesome for you guys.
God, what do I fucking do?
Well... this sounds weird,
but do you think you're not as much of a lesbian as you thought?
No! No, it was just a thing. God, I fucking love Cindy.
You know... just tell her the truth.
She loves you. Maybe she'll be psyched to have a kid.
What? Yeah, she's gonna be really psyched.
She's gonna come with me to pick out a fucking changing table. Come on!
I cheated on her, I got pregnant, she should be pissed.
I don't wanna fuck it up with her, Ned.
If she loves you, she'll forgive you.
I can't have this child.
[moans]
- Holy shit, I've destroyed my life. - [thunder rumbles]
- You're having an affair, aren't you? - [chuckles]
- With Tatiana. - With Tatiana, are you crazy?
Who gave you that idea?
- Your ludicrous brother? - What does it matter?
Apparently, you're shooting the movie naked.
- What? - Even the way you say her name.
- [scoffs] - T atiana.
You know, you have this amazing talent
for making me feel like a second-class citizen.
- What do you mean? - I mean, in your own meek, mousy way
you have this brilliant knack of getting your own way.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
[sobs] Wait, what does this have to do with you and T atiana?
I never wanted him here, but you insisted that he stay,
even making me feel like a criminal for suggesting that he stay somewhere else.
This is bullshit, Dylan. You're completely evading the issue!
It's not a trick question. Are you or aren't you sleeping with her?
[sighs]
What are you doing?
I'm leaving this house before you make me lose my temper
in front of my children.
[sighs]
You couldn't wear pants, Ned?
OK, I took the liberty of writing up a checklist,
if you could read it over carefully, please.
That's just the checklist, Ned.
Wait, you put all of this in your article?
- That stuff was private. - Well...
Did she ever say it was off the record?
Why would she say it was off the record, we were just having a conversation.
Ned, come on, she knew you and I were a team.
She called us a team the first time that we met.
Yeah, and then you said we weren't a team.
- No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.
I remember precisely, 'cause I thought it was pretty mean.
I dropped everything to drive you around that day.
All the documentary guys were going for dim sum.
You know what? The important thing at this point
is whether this information is true.
It's all we need to know, Ned.
Is this true?
I'm gonna bring Darren in on this.
Fuck. Fuckity-fuck, Ned, she's getting a lawyer.
How could you do this to a person? That's so messed up.
How can you do this to me? Just say "Yes, this happened."
You're not even lying or anything. It is true, so just...
Fuck. Look, Ned, I am begging you. Don't fucking do this to me, please?
Come on. All right, here they come.
Hi, Darren, how are you?
Ah. I'm not happy at the way this story's been put together, Miranda.
[Robbie] I'm not either.
You'll have to vouch for the veracity of the story yourself, Ned.
- Like right now? - That's right. Right now.
I need to hear it.
[sighs]
- Hey, Miranda. - Hey, T ed.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Ahh!
- You couldn't just fucking say yes? - Sorry.
How could you do that to me, Ned?
[elevator dings]
[scoffs] Miranda's such a bitch sometimes.
I feel kind of bad, it was a big opportunity for her.
For what? Selling her soul for a story?
There was just a breakdown of communication.
Whatever.
Looks like you found a use for your mom's post 9/1 1 escape raft.
It's cool. Sleep well, bud.
- Tomorrow, Operation Free Willie. - Right on.
Have a good night.
If you get cold, there are coats up in the...
- Oh, OK. - Oh, and if you need to pee?
- There's a kitty litter box right here. - [laughs]
Nat.
- [whispers] How's it going? - Oh. Great.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Thanks so much for your advice.
- Oh, my God. For sure. No. - That was awesome.
I mean, she's being exceptionally cool.
She is exceptionally cool.
- [Cindy] Nat, where are my ear plugs? - Night, Ned.
Night, Nat.
[♪ Willie Nelson: "Ol' Blue"]
♪ I had a dog
♪ And his name was Blue
♪ I'll tell you what
♪ Ol' Blue would do
♪ Yeah, Blue
Yeah, Blue
♪ He'd go out
♪ Every night about dark
♪ And it wouldn't be long
♪ 'Til you'd hear him bark
♪ Yeah, Blue
Yeah, Blue ♪
[engine shuts off]
[Ned] No way, they're home!
Jesus, what do we do?
We go get Willie Nelson.
[Billy] Are you mad about the rooster thing?
[Janet] Well, a little bit mad about the fucking rooster.
[Billy] Well, I'm telling you, he's depressed.
And I'm telling you, there's no fucking way a rooster is depressed, Billy.
[Billy] When animals are depressed, man, they, like, sleep more.
[whispers] Sorry, didn't mean to touch your boob.
[Billy] Humans do it, roosters do it, then they don't crow in the morning.
- That's why I overslept. - I'm so psyched
- you and Nat weathered that storm. - Yeah, we're good. We're good.
And to power through infidelity, man, you can do that,
you can do anything.
Oh, come on!
Locked? She locked it?
Hold on. Right here.
[grunts]
Come in.
Hey, you know, that Christian, he's kind of lame, but he's really handsome.
So there's a good chance your baby is going to be very striking.
- [barking] - Oh!
Buddy!
[kissing] I missed you so much!
Hey, Nat. Oh, no, I'm just with your brother
and he just told me some real interesting news.
- No! - Nothing,
just that you're apparently pregnant
with the spawn of that fucking cult-y fuck fuck!
- [barking] - Yeah, sure. She wants to talk to you.
- [barking] - [Ned whispering] No, no.
- Hello? - Oh, shoot.
- Hey, Nat. Now's not a great time. - [Janet] Who's here?
Janet, hey, what's up?
- Can I call you back? - Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, it's me! - What's going on, how's it going?
- [Cindy] You don't sound very sorry! - You thought you'd come and take him?
- Who the fuck is this? - [Cindy] You're gonna blame Ned?
That's your tactic? [laughs]
OK, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.
[Cindy] I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!
That's some Ivy League shit out there, man.
- [Cindy] Really? - Cindy!
You wouldn't, would you, Nat? 'Cause you're fucking selfish, that's why.
No, no, no! I wanna talk about this now, damn it!
- I need your help, Cindy. Could you...? - Really? An accident?!
An accident is when you fall off your fucking bike!
- Not when you fuck somebody! - Hey, Ned. What's up, man?
- Hey, man. - Caught the master criminal here
trying to steal Willie Nelson.
What happened to the Dixie Chicks show?
The Dixie Chicks? That's next Thursday.
- Right, Janet? - Yeah.
- Next Thursday. - When I talked to you last week,
- you said it was next Thursday. - Oh. It is. Next Thursday.
Yeah, but when I talked to you a week ago, you said "Next Thursday."
I'm thinking, today.
So it's better for you if I say "Next, next Thursday"?
It's not better now. I thought you were gonna be at the Dixie Chicks concert.
Yeah, but just for future reference, like for concerts in the future.
- What, are you guys fucking? - [car door slams]
Oh, God! Cindy! Cindy!
Oh! Dude! Man, there goes my ride.
That's OK, I can give you a lift. Or no, I can't.
This can't be happening.
I never should have let Ned stay here.
What about what Ned did to me?
I take him to work, he hangs me out to dry in front of everyone.
Hang on, I'm getting call waiting. Hello?
Our idiot brother just ruined my fucking life.
You know you'll always have a place here with me.
Thanks, Mom.
I thought the girls wouldn't want you hanging around,
they've got too much stuff going on to bother with people like us.
All right then, that's it.
I will see you in three weeks.
Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you.
You're doing a really good thing here, Omar.
- [laughs] - Seriously. You talk to us screw-ups,
you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.
Thanks, man.
So you get out of bed again in another three weeks, OK?
- [Chuckles] I'll do it. - I appreciate the compliment.
It's rare that we get love from the clients.
Well, you're a good dude.
And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it.
I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up.
Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom.
On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint
with the kid that lives across the street.
OK, I didn't just hear that.
I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid who lives across...
What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?
I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?
I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high.
Now I have to report you or else I could lose my job.
Seriously? Can you forget I said that?
- No, Ned, I can't. - Oh, fuck.
[sighs]
[toilet flushing]
You OK?
[mother] It's an ulcer, I'm telling you.
Too many late nights.
Did you call Dr. Silverman?
I will.
Oh, yeah, it's my fault you're throwing up.
- [mother] Who's ready for charades? - Me!
Mom, nobody's in the mood.
[mother] Great, go and get the pens and paper.
Television show.
Three words.
Gimme A Break.
- That was quick. - I put it in.
All right, guys.
River, this one's for you.
All right, River, come on! Here we go!
Wizard of Oz.
- Yeah. - [Liz] Well done, sweetie.
I guess it's me.
OK, it's a movie.
Space?
Space, space, Star Wars!
- Space... No. - [River] Space Frogs!
- Crazy Hands! - Good, Crazy Hands?
Crazy Heart. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love."
- Uncle Ned! - Me. Ned, Ned. Nedly, Nedrick.
- Me, me, Ned! - Why aren't you guys guessing?
- The Jerk? - Har har.
- OK, guys, come on, guys. - Jackass.
[Natalie] You wanna get in on this party, Liz?
The Man Who Just Ruined My Marriage.
Don't forget Lassie. 'Cause you miss your doggie.
- Ha ha ha ha. - [girls laughing]
- Can you please just play the game? - We are playing.
No, you're not playing, you're not at all.
- We are. - [Ned] No, you're not.
- Yeah, we're kind of playing. - [Ned] You're kind of not playing.
- Those were great guesses, I thought. - When you put your own clue in,
you're not allowed to guess. You know that.
- I bent the rules. - You didn't bend the rules.
You broke them and that just ruins it for everyone, all right?
I know you've got a really important life, Miranda,
but some of us like to sit around, enjoy our family, and play a game of charades.
[laughing]
What's so funny, Nat? By the way, when a kid goes,
you should at least give him the opportunity to act out his hint.
All right? Before you jump in with the answer, even if you know it.
It's the same stupid clue Mom always puts in for River.
So what? You're so cool, you're just too bored, is that it?!
For God's sake, Ned, we have other things on our mind.
So you make it miserable for everybody?
- OK, Ned, we're gonna play. - Let's get serious, girls.
Just play the fucking game!
[chatter silences]
Goddamn it, I just want to sit around with my family
and play a fucking game of charades!
I just wanna sit and I just wanna play the game.
I wanna play charades, what's the big deal about that?
Why can't you all just play?
[doorbell rings]
Sorry, Riv.
- [Omar] Hello, Mrs. Rochlin? - Yes.
Officer Omar Coleman. Is your son home?
He was just frustrated, officer.
He gets very excited playing parlor games.
It's under control now.
- Oh, my God. - Omar.
Mr. Rochlin, sir, I suggest you step outside.
[Miranda] What's going on?
- [man] Nedrick Rochlin? - Yeah.
- You made bail. - Really? Who?
Miranda Rochlin. Just sign here, we'll process you out.
- No, I'm good. - What?
No, thanks. I'm gonna stay here, man.
Thank you.
Look, there's nothing I can do. He refused to sign.
- This is classic Ned. - Officer, I'm his mother.
Just bring him out here. He probably doesn't understand the form.
That's not how we do it, ma'am.
- Can I speak to your supervisor? - No.
Mom, if he doesn't want to be released to us, we can't force him.
Excuse me, sir, would it be possible for my son to see him?
I know you're really mad at my mom and Aunt Natalie and Aunt Miranda.
But they all feel really sorry, I swear.
River, I want you to go tell your mom and your aunts something for me, OK?
Sure, Uncle Ned.
- Go fuck yourselves. - River!
That's what he said.
Hey guys, I know how to get Uncle Ned to leave prison.
- Well, hello. - [engine shuts off]
- Hi. - [Janet] The Rochlin girls.
This is a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
- The farm looks beautiful, Janet. - Oh, thanks, Liz.
So, what brings you all up here?
Um...
We were practically family, Janet.
And we thought... um...
...it would be good to get some closure, you know?
Yeah, that and we came for Ned's dog.
[laughs] So he roped the whole family in, huh?
Well, forget it. Willie Nelson isn't leaving.
It's what's best for him.
Janet, Ned needs Willie Nelson's company right now.
- Emotionally... - Look,
I'm not giving that irresponsible man-child my dog.
Come on, Janet, it's just a dog.
Uh... to you, maybe, Natalie.
To me, Willie Nelson is a dear, dear friend.
- That is a load of crap, Janet. - I love that dog!
Nobody loves that dog the way Ned loves that dog.
Nobody loves anything as unconditionally as Ned loves.
[gasps]
He's in jail, Janet.
- [Janet] Oh, my God. - He needs our help.
That was fast. What did he do this time?
He didn't do shit. We put him there, all of us.
Including you, Janet.
I am not gonna stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
- I'll insult you right here. - I'm a pacifist. I don't play that way.
I'm gonna peace you in the side of the head if you don't give us the dog.
I'm not gonna receive that with anything but love.
We are not leaving.
OK, I love that tactic.
Billy, get me the phone.
Janny, where's the dog bowl that he loves so much?
- Billy, what are you doing? - Let's go. Come on.
- What are you doing? - Hey, it's his dog, man.
Billy, put the dog in the house. Put the dog in the house, Billy!
Ilene, you can't take this dog! This is his home!
Go back to your fruits and vegetables, honey.
William! Billy!
What the fuck are you doing? Get the dog!
- Hey, easy language, man. - [dog barking]
- Tell Ned we said, "Hey." - [Miranda] Thanks, Billy.
[dog barking]
Willie! Willie!
Oh, thank God, Willie Nelson!
Yeah, buddy! Willie!
- [barking] - Yeah! Hey, buddy!
♪ When you're hot and you're cold, not always easy to hold
♪ And you're hard to impress
♪ Sounds funny But you might be the best
Want some?
- ♪ Thing that I have - Not the whole thing! [laughs]
♪ 'Cause whenever you've gone and I'm left all alone
♪ Well, the world seems worse
♪ No, I didn't really like you at first
♪ I was wrong about that
♪ So wherever I go
♪ I'm taking you with me
♪ Wherever I go
♪ You're coming along
Hey, Jeremy. Uh, is it...
...crazy to think we...
♪ That's where you belong
I know you're not gonna call me back, but, um...
One more thing...
Remember the time I missed your awards dinner?
Well, I wasn't really working.
I was at home watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York.
I'm sorry. Um... what else?
♪ So wherever I go
♪ I'm taking you with me
♪ Wherever I go
♪ You're coming along
♪ You're in my heart ♪
- Ah! - Oh!
Jeremy and I were talking,
he has a friend who's also going through a divorce.
And he works in Poverty at the UN.
He's really nice and really funny.
He does pottery at the UN?
I mean, if he's a friend of Jeremy's, then I guess I could give it a go.
- Right? - What's his name?
[Miranda] Roger... Maybe Roger.
What?
Um... That was Cindy.
She wants to come with me tomorrow to the OB/GYN.
[all] Oh!
We're getting Cindy.
- [laughter] - That's great, Nat.
Maybe going all "Honest Ned" on her worked.
- You don't have to thank me. It's OK. - Thank you, Ned.
- [laughter] - You're gonna be the best uncle.
- That's sweet. - Aw, he is the best uncle.
I can't wait. You better come visit me.
- Come visit where? - What do you mean?
I've been wanting to tell you guys. I think it's time for me to move on.
- No. - Move on? Move on where?
No. I mean...
You know we just love having you in our house. Don't you know that?
Oh, I do know that, and I love you too.
But the city's no place for Willie Nelson or for me.
I feel like I'm gonna cry.
You guys are gonna be great. My work here is done.
Who's gonna watch sci-fi with Jeremy? I can't always do it.
- Who's gonna babysit my kid for free? - Yeah, who?
- [music plays] - [laughter]
[Ned] They're brand new, I just made them yesterday.
So you're getting some really fresh candles. All right.
Have a great Shabbos with those. Thanks a lot.
Anyway, what I was saying though, is people recycle cans,
they recycle papers, why not candles?
I say we put a bin out and let people bring back their old drippings
- at their convenience. - It's like those bags that say
"I used to be a plastic bottle."
We could have a bin that said: "I used to be another candle."
That's a great idea. And when they bring in those candles,
we'll put them in another bin that says: "I used to be another another candle."
Yeah, eventually we could just have one that said:
"Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles."
"I've been a lot of candles."
"Trust me, man, I've been other candles."
[laughs]
Hey, can I get your honest opinion on something?
- Sure. - OK.
- Be honest with me. - Of course.
Do you think this is an ugly candle?
No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Good. - You know what?
We should send, like, just a bunch of candles to Janet as a thank you.
Totally. To thank her for introducing us and everything?
Isn't it funny how life works?
I love it. Just a couple of guys and a dog, making candles.
What a cliché.
Hey, Willie.
Willie Nelson.
Hey, man, have you seen Willie Nelson?
- Oh, yeah, definitely. - When?
Oh, you mean recently? No. I just meant in general, I have seen him.
Willie Nelson?
Willie?
Willie Nelson!
Willie?
Willie Nelson!
[barking]
Oh, God! Willie Nelson.
Oh, buddy. Willie.
Hi, hi.
- Hi, guys. You scared me to death. - [woman] Dolly?
- Oh, yeah. - Dolly?
Dolly!
Hey, come here.
What are you doing?
Hi. Where did you go?
- He ran off, scared me to death. - So did she.
- Sorry about that? - Why do you do that, guys?
[laughs] I panicked, man. Oh, my God, I was running all through town
- yelling, like... - I was in the woods. [laughs]
- I had no idea where she had gone. - She's a cutie, my God.
Thank you. Yes, isn't that right, Dolly Parton?
- Gorgeous girl. - Your dog's name is Dolly Parton?
Yeah, I know, stupid, but... I love Dolly Parton, so...
What's his name?
Willie Nelson.
Really?
[♪ Carole King: "Beautiful"]
♪ You got to get up every morning
♪ With a smile on your face and show the world
♪ All the love in your heart
♪ Then people gonna treat you better
♪ You're gonna find Yes, you will
♪ That you're beautiful as you feel
[laughing] I can't believe you...
- I'm sorry. - It's so weird.
It doesn't even look like you.
- I see no resemblance. - [laughing]
[laughing] I hope not.
[squeaking]
How many times did you criticize him for having bad breath?
Or for shedding?
Or for farts? [laughs]
Shit.
[laughs] OK, get out. How does that feel?
Which one... Which one's the door?
You know what? I'll try them all, never mind.
Someone just wet his balls.
[laughing] Oh, my God.
You wouldn't happen to know where I could get some... [clicks tongue]
Know what I mean?
- What? - [whistles] Sling.
Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da.
- You know what I'm saying? - I'm so sorry, I don't.
- Doodly-doo. - Jazz records?
- Hot veg. - Hot veg.
Ah!
- That's not a table. - [laughing]
[sighs]
Oh, that was so much fun, Ned.
[River] Yeah, why don't you come live with us?
- He's right, you should. - [laughing]
What's the funniest thing you've ever seen?
Stuff.
Probably like Anchorman or something, right?
- I haven't seen Anchorman. - What?!
♪ That you're beautiful
♪ You're beautiful
♪ As you feel ♪