1 00:00:10,930 --> 00:00:12,663 Oh! 11-3 us. 2 00:00:12,715 --> 00:00:16,184 That's not fair. Our team's like 120 years older than yours. 3 00:00:16,268 --> 00:00:18,553 It is fair because this is Sabrina's first time playing. 4 00:00:18,637 --> 00:00:20,021 Sorry, did we forget to explain to Sabrina 5 00:00:20,106 --> 00:00:21,189 the complicated rules 6 00:00:21,273 --> 00:00:22,774 of living-room-balloon-ball? 7 00:00:22,841 --> 00:00:24,476 You hit the balloon over the couch. 8 00:00:24,527 --> 00:00:26,344 Okay, we all up to speed now? 9 00:00:26,395 --> 00:00:28,280 Rotate. (phone ringing) 10 00:00:29,031 --> 00:00:31,015 Hey, hey, hey. 11 00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,984 Hey, didn't know if I'd catch you on a Saturday. 12 00:00:33,035 --> 00:00:35,420 - Hi, Dad. - Is he there? 13 00:00:35,488 --> 00:00:37,372 You promised to yell for me when he picked up. 14 00:00:37,456 --> 00:00:39,124 I did yell, but you didn't hear me 15 00:00:39,191 --> 00:00:40,658 because you refuse to wear the hearing aid. 16 00:00:40,710 --> 00:00:42,293 Makes me look old. 17 00:00:42,361 --> 00:00:43,745 You know what makes you look old? 18 00:00:43,829 --> 00:00:45,296 - Saying "What?" - What? 19 00:00:45,364 --> 00:00:47,198 Wear the aid or get off the phone, Christine. 20 00:00:47,249 --> 00:00:49,501 Anyway, Burt, your brother Bruce can't have us 21 00:00:49,552 --> 00:00:50,719 for Thanksgiving this year. 22 00:00:50,803 --> 00:00:52,387 He'll be on an Alaskan cruise. 23 00:00:52,471 --> 00:00:54,172 Did you tell him about Alaska? 24 00:00:54,223 --> 00:00:55,974 - Yes. - What? 25 00:00:56,041 --> 00:00:57,135 What can I do for you guys? 26 00:00:57,136 --> 00:00:58,876 The long and short of it is this, Burtie, 27 00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:00,261 since Bruce will be gone, 28 00:01:00,346 --> 00:01:01,930 we thought we'd spend the holiday at your place. 29 00:01:02,014 --> 00:01:04,566 Obviously it won't be as fancy as Bruce's, 30 00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:06,884 but it'll be more like the original Thanksgiving... 31 00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:09,554 no heat, and I'm sure some of the food will be donated. 32 00:01:09,605 --> 00:01:11,356 I'm kidding, son. 33 00:01:11,407 --> 00:01:14,175 But look, it's been way too many years since we saw you. 34 00:01:14,243 --> 00:01:15,443 What do you say? 35 00:01:15,528 --> 00:01:17,112 My parents want to come here for Thanksgiving! 36 00:01:17,196 --> 00:01:18,613 And they'll see that I haven't done anything 37 00:01:18,697 --> 00:01:20,398 with my life in the last five years! 38 00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:22,917 - Burt, are you there? - I'll bet he didn't pay his phone bill. 39 00:01:23,002 --> 00:01:24,335 Burt, you're just torturing yourself. 40 00:01:24,403 --> 00:01:25,954 We're not that close with these people. 41 00:01:26,038 --> 00:01:28,289 They always judge you. Just tell them we made other plans. 42 00:01:28,374 --> 00:01:30,708 See you at Thanksgiving. Can't wait. Love you. 43 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,926 (screams) 44 00:01:32,011 --> 00:01:33,711 I was thinking what you said, 45 00:01:33,763 --> 00:01:35,430 but then these other words came out. 46 00:01:35,514 --> 00:01:37,348 Oh, stupid brain. 47 00:01:38,379 --> 00:01:41,879 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 48 00:01:41,954 --> 00:01:46,107 ♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪ 49 00:01:46,192 --> 00:01:48,476 Four days. 50 00:01:48,561 --> 00:01:51,229 Four days to make this place presentable. 51 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,931 We got to work like the boss is watching. 52 00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:55,283 Oh, and Jimmy, you got to get rid 53 00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:56,818 of that baby for the holiday. 54 00:01:56,902 --> 00:01:58,870 What? She won't re. It's not Christmas. 55 00:01:58,937 --> 00:02:00,108 Having a baby out of wedlock 56 00:02:00,109 --> 00:02:02,240 was one of the biggest things they judged me for. 57 00:02:02,291 --> 00:02:03,491 I don't want them judging me again 58 00:02:03,576 --> 00:02:04,709 for letting you repeat the cycle. 59 00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:06,611 It's like a self-refilling prophecy. 60 00:02:06,662 --> 00:02:07,879 Thank you. So ditch the kid. 61 00:02:07,946 --> 00:02:09,280 In fact, you can go with her. 62 00:02:09,331 --> 00:02:12,217 'Cause you remind them of my mistake. 63 00:02:12,284 --> 00:02:13,968 Now I got to go evict the porch squirrels. 64 00:02:16,088 --> 00:02:18,173 So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents 65 00:02:18,257 --> 00:02:19,290 is kind of estranged? 66 00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:20,842 Oh, no, it's completely strange. 67 00:02:20,926 --> 00:02:23,728 Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family. 68 00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:26,431 Yeah, they are malaprops, but they're also his parents. 69 00:02:26,482 --> 00:02:28,183 And they really do a number on him. 70 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,767 It's because he knows 71 00:02:29,819 --> 00:02:31,436 that they've always thought he was a screw-up. 72 00:02:31,487 --> 00:02:33,404 Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A." 73 00:02:33,472 --> 00:02:34,989 Keep getting grades like that, 74 00:02:35,074 --> 00:02:37,408 I'm going to have to get a second job. 75 00:02:37,476 --> 00:02:39,494 Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card. 76 00:02:39,578 --> 00:02:42,197 You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass." 77 00:02:42,281 --> 00:02:44,749 (laughing) 78 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,585 We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. 79 00:02:47,653 --> 00:02:49,504 "Jackass" does have two "A's" in it. 80 00:02:51,156 --> 00:02:54,659 In the spellin- there's two "A's" in the... 81 00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:56,827 Go play with your trucks. 82 00:02:56,879 --> 00:02:59,514 I just got into business school. 83 00:02:59,598 --> 00:03:01,799 - Way to go, Bruce. - I knew it. 84 00:03:01,851 --> 00:03:03,852 I got Virginia pregnant. 85 00:03:03,936 --> 00:03:04,936 I knew it. 86 00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:07,338 Get that thing off my counter. 87 00:03:07,406 --> 00:03:08,940 There's pee on it. 88 00:03:09,007 --> 00:03:12,343 Yeah, business is going great. 89 00:03:12,394 --> 00:03:14,863 Turns out it was a good thing I had a kid early, 90 00:03:14,947 --> 00:03:16,614 'cause now I have an assistant on the job. 91 00:03:16,682 --> 00:03:18,199 How is Jimmy? 92 00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:20,785 Great. Busy. Choosing colleges. 93 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:24,789 Somebody was supposed to pick me up from the mall! 94 00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:27,542 I had to walk three miles in humidity, 95 00:03:27,626 --> 00:03:29,761 you worthless sheep! 96 00:03:29,828 --> 00:03:31,829 He's going through a little phase. 97 00:03:31,897 --> 00:03:33,131 Jimmy, 98 00:03:33,198 --> 00:03:35,466 you remember your grandparents, don't you? 99 00:03:35,534 --> 00:03:37,218 Check out my new piercing. 100 00:03:39,538 --> 00:03:41,589 (zipper unzipping) 101 00:03:41,674 --> 00:03:45,760 Bruce's son has one with a real diamond. 102 00:03:47,396 --> 00:03:49,480 No matter how hard Dad tries, 103 00:03:49,548 --> 00:03:50,982 his parents always think 104 00:03:51,049 --> 00:03:52,984 Bruce's poo doesn't stink, and Dad's does. 105 00:03:53,051 --> 00:03:55,937 Which is sort of true, because Bruce eats a very bland diet. 106 00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:57,888 (squirrels chattering) 107 00:03:57,940 --> 00:03:59,774 (sighs) 108 00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:01,943 Poor baby. 109 00:04:02,027 --> 00:04:04,862 It still kills him that he doesn't have their approval. 110 00:04:04,914 --> 00:04:06,748 Heh... (yelling) 111 00:04:06,832 --> 00:04:07,749 (screaming) 112 00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,206 So I know you're bummed about your parents visiting, 113 00:04:15,257 --> 00:04:16,374 but I think I got an idea 114 00:04:16,425 --> 00:04:18,909 that'll make you feel a lot better. 115 00:04:18,961 --> 00:04:19,973 This is a house I clean... 116 00:04:19,974 --> 00:04:21,763 Are we going to have unfamiliar bedroom sex? 117 00:04:21,847 --> 00:04:24,849 I knew that erotic suggestion box would pay off. 118 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:26,134 Thank you, Oprah. 119 00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:29,003 That's not it. Come inside. 120 00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:32,273 Oh, are we going to have unfamiliar kitchen sex? 121 00:04:32,341 --> 00:04:34,976 This could be our only chance to have sex on an island. 122 00:04:35,060 --> 00:04:37,228 I noticed this when I was cleaning here earlier today. 123 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:42,099 They're going on vacation during Thanksgiving. 124 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,068 It's perfect, Burt. 125 00:04:44,119 --> 00:04:46,871 We can tell your parents we've been working real hard, 126 00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,156 saving up our money. 127 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,574 And we bought this house. 128 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:51,709 - It's perfect! - I know! 129 00:04:51,777 --> 00:04:53,578 You don't have to feel like a loser anymore. 130 00:04:53,629 --> 00:04:54,796 I love you so much. 131 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,798 You know what I want to do right now? 132 00:04:56,882 --> 00:04:58,166 Have sex with me on an island? 133 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:00,385 Okay, but let's wipe it down real good first. 134 00:05:00,452 --> 00:05:01,803 People cut raw chicken on these things. 135 00:05:13,983 --> 00:05:15,151 That one. 136 00:05:15,153 --> 00:05:16,870 No, no, no, wait. 137 00:05:16,937 --> 00:05:19,439 He has sad eyes. 138 00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:21,158 Cook that one. (squawking) 139 00:05:21,242 --> 00:05:24,044 Okay, okay, sorry, sorry. Not you. 140 00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:25,445 I can't do this. 141 00:05:25,496 --> 00:05:27,330 It's best if you don't look in their eyes. 142 00:05:27,415 --> 00:05:28,832 Just say Edgar or Morty. 143 00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:30,217 What's going on? 144 00:05:30,284 --> 00:05:32,335 Barney's going to pretend to be my parents' caterer 145 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,970 on Thanksgiving to impress my grandparents. 146 00:05:34,055 --> 00:05:36,173 We're going to go with this one. 147 00:05:36,257 --> 00:05:38,925 He's old, and I don't think he'll make it to next Thanksgiving. 148 00:05:38,976 --> 00:05:41,311 Plus, I want him to die with dignity. 149 00:05:41,395 --> 00:05:44,631 And not just end up as turkey burgers on the Fourth of July. 150 00:05:44,682 --> 00:05:46,850 Oh, hey, do you want to hang out for Thanksgiving? 151 00:05:46,934 --> 00:05:48,151 - Seriously? - Yeah. 152 00:05:48,236 --> 00:05:49,686 Wyatt's away interviewing at law schools, 153 00:05:49,770 --> 00:05:51,438 and my family's taking the jet to Turkey 154 00:05:51,489 --> 00:05:53,440 for what they're called "an ironic Thanksgiving." 155 00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:54,691 So I'm alone, too. 156 00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:55,909 That would be great. 157 00:05:55,976 --> 00:05:57,744 Yeah, pretend to be a little family. 158 00:05:57,811 --> 00:05:59,162 Well, if we're going to pretend, 159 00:05:59,247 --> 00:06:00,813 we could go to the fake house with everybody else. 160 00:06:00,865 --> 00:06:02,649 My dad can't have a problem with his parents meeting Hope 161 00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:03,917 if she has a mother. 162 00:06:03,984 --> 00:06:06,286 Oh, my God, it'll be like turkey dinner theater. 163 00:06:06,337 --> 00:06:07,954 I just hope I can pull it off. 164 00:06:08,005 --> 00:06:09,256 I'm not so great at lying, 165 00:06:09,323 --> 00:06:11,324 and this is really important to my dad. 166 00:06:11,375 --> 00:06:13,460 Okay. Well, maybe we should practice kissing a couple times 167 00:06:13,511 --> 00:06:15,128 so it's not awkward when we do it 168 00:06:15,179 --> 00:06:17,497 - in front of your grandparents. - Okay. 169 00:06:20,134 --> 00:06:22,052 - How was that? - I feel like we looked uncomfortable. 170 00:06:22,136 --> 00:06:23,436 - Let's try again. - Okay. 171 00:06:23,504 --> 00:06:24,971 (turkey gobbling) 172 00:06:25,022 --> 00:06:27,190 He's old, but he's got 173 00:06:27,275 --> 00:06:29,809 a lot more fight left in him than I thought. 174 00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,715 We're home. 175 00:06:51,799 --> 00:06:56,369 ♪ Our house in the middle of our street ♪ 176 00:06:56,420 --> 00:07:00,340 ♪ Our house in the middle of our ♪ 177 00:07:00,391 --> 00:07:02,559 ♪ Our house it has a crowd ♪ 178 00:07:02,643 --> 00:07:05,679 ♪ There's always something happening ♪ 179 00:07:05,730 --> 00:07:08,181 ♪ And it's usually quite loud ♪ 180 00:07:08,232 --> 00:07:11,768 ♪ Our mum she's so house-proud ♪ 181 00:07:11,852 --> 00:07:15,605 ♪ Nothing every slows her down and a mess is not allowed ♪ 182 00:07:15,673 --> 00:07:17,857 ♪ Our house... ♪ This is your new room, Maw Maw. 183 00:07:17,909 --> 00:07:19,409 ♪ In the middle of our street ♪ 184 00:07:19,493 --> 00:07:22,095 ♪ Our house... ♪ Nice. 185 00:07:22,163 --> 00:07:25,632 ♪ In the middle of our... ♪ (buzzing) 186 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,818 In my day, they were shaped more like penises. 187 00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:30,120 (doorbell ringing) 188 00:07:30,204 --> 00:07:31,755 They're here. 189 00:07:31,839 --> 00:07:33,173 They're here! 190 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,626 - Welcome. - Wow, wow, what a place. 191 00:07:36,711 --> 00:07:39,512 Burt, I don't believe this. 192 00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:40,714 Aw, crap. 193 00:07:40,765 --> 00:07:41,965 It was Virginia's idea... 194 00:07:42,049 --> 00:07:44,434 To, um, move into this neighborhood. 195 00:07:44,518 --> 00:07:46,269 Because, uh, they have better schools here. 196 00:07:46,354 --> 00:07:48,104 Grampy and Grandma! 197 00:07:48,189 --> 00:07:49,439 Jimmy! 198 00:07:49,523 --> 00:07:52,275 No creepy makeup. Thank God. 199 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,777 JIMMY: Got a surprise for you. 200 00:07:53,861 --> 00:07:55,928 You didn't put another earring in your swizzle stick, did you? 201 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:57,981 No, I've been using my swizzle stick for other things. 202 00:07:58,065 --> 00:07:59,199 SABRINA: Hi. 203 00:07:59,266 --> 00:08:00,767 Surprise. 204 00:08:00,818 --> 00:08:02,535 Uh, this is my wife, 205 00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:03,936 - Sabrina. - Hi. 206 00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:05,905 And this is your great-granddaughter Hope. 207 00:08:05,957 --> 00:08:09,909 Jimmy, I just got to ask... in light of your parents' track record, 208 00:08:09,961 --> 00:08:14,130 did the marriage cause the baby or did the baby cause the marriage? 209 00:08:14,215 --> 00:08:15,915 Ha, ha, that's rich. 210 00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:18,251 Just like me. Come on, I'll give you the tour. 211 00:08:18,302 --> 00:08:21,621 I never get tired of looking at all my cool stuff. 212 00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:23,807 Venison meatballs? 213 00:08:23,891 --> 00:08:25,976 Uh, this is Barnard, our caterer. 214 00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:27,510 He does all our big events... 215 00:08:27,595 --> 00:08:29,012 Thanksgiving, Christmas, 216 00:08:29,096 --> 00:08:30,347 WrestleMania. 217 00:08:30,431 --> 00:08:32,465 Enjoy. 218 00:08:41,692 --> 00:08:44,828 Argh, matey. 219 00:08:44,912 --> 00:08:46,279 She won't take a nap. 220 00:08:46,330 --> 00:08:48,114 I think it's 'cause she's in a strange place. 221 00:08:49,116 --> 00:08:51,868 Her and I are in a strange place 222 00:08:51,952 --> 00:08:53,336 emotionally, lately. 223 00:08:53,421 --> 00:08:56,423 Sabrina was just telling me about the day you met. 224 00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,208 That was very courageous 225 00:08:58,292 --> 00:08:59,759 how you lost a testicle 226 00:08:59,827 --> 00:09:02,762 saving her from an armed robber. 227 00:09:02,830 --> 00:09:04,848 Luckily he went after the criminal doing a cartwheel. 228 00:09:04,932 --> 00:09:07,851 Or he'd have taken that bullet right between the eyes. 229 00:09:07,935 --> 00:09:09,886 Um, that's right. 230 00:09:09,970 --> 00:09:13,005 And the truth is, is without the other one there taking up space, 231 00:09:13,057 --> 00:09:15,191 the one that is left has just gotten gigantic. 232 00:09:15,276 --> 00:09:16,559 They're like goldfish. 233 00:09:16,644 --> 00:09:18,111 The more space they have, the bigger they get. 234 00:09:18,178 --> 00:09:20,280 I love giant goldfish. 235 00:09:20,347 --> 00:09:24,651 Why don't you take Great-Grandma and show her your fishies. 236 00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:26,286 I want to see your fishies. 237 00:09:26,353 --> 00:09:29,656 Shot me in the testicle?! Really?! 238 00:09:29,707 --> 00:09:31,741 I know. Isn't it hilarious? It was Sabrina's idea. 239 00:09:31,826 --> 00:09:33,126 And by the way, 240 00:09:33,193 --> 00:09:35,578 I told her that we potty trained Hope at six months. 241 00:09:35,663 --> 00:09:37,881 So if she starts to stink, whoever's holding her 242 00:09:37,965 --> 00:09:39,632 is going to have to apologize for farting. 243 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:41,200 I just love all this playacting. 244 00:09:41,252 --> 00:09:43,536 I haven't had this much fun since I did improv games 245 00:09:43,587 --> 00:09:45,371 at the teen mom center. 246 00:09:45,423 --> 00:09:49,809 They thought it would help us talk our way out of having sex the next time. 247 00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:02,989 (distorted computer voice) 248 00:10:05,392 --> 00:10:08,695 "Hey, girl, whatcha doing?" 249 00:10:08,746 --> 00:10:09,896 Oh. 250 00:10:09,964 --> 00:10:12,749 "Reading what you just wrote." 251 00:10:12,833 --> 00:10:15,201 Dummy. 252 00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:18,171 "What are you wearing?" 253 00:10:18,239 --> 00:10:20,573 Oh. 254 00:10:20,624 --> 00:10:25,879 "Sweater set, control top pantyhose 255 00:10:25,930 --> 00:10:28,381 and, uh, navy slacks." 256 00:10:29,517 --> 00:10:33,353 "Weird. 257 00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:38,057 You might be more comfortable taking that off." 258 00:10:38,109 --> 00:10:40,259 Hmm. 259 00:10:40,311 --> 00:10:42,979 "Makes sense to me." 260 00:10:43,063 --> 00:10:45,482 Boy, this is beautiful, beautiful. 261 00:10:45,566 --> 00:10:47,867 Hey, I hope you don't mind, I raided your humidor. 262 00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:50,286 You've got quite a few illegal Cubans in there. 263 00:10:50,371 --> 00:10:52,322 Oh, yeah? 264 00:10:52,406 --> 00:10:53,823 Maybe we should let them out. 265 00:10:53,908 --> 00:10:55,158 Well, I already did. 266 00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:56,776 (nervous chuckle) 267 00:10:56,827 --> 00:10:58,495 (laughing) 268 00:10:58,579 --> 00:11:00,246 You know, son, I'm really impressed 269 00:11:00,297 --> 00:11:02,132 with all of this. 270 00:11:02,216 --> 00:11:03,299 I mean, look at this. 271 00:11:03,384 --> 00:11:05,335 This is 40-year-old scotch. 272 00:11:07,505 --> 00:11:08,721 Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to get rid of that. 273 00:11:08,789 --> 00:11:10,256 It's probably gone bad by now. 274 00:11:10,307 --> 00:11:11,925 Yeah. 275 00:11:13,260 --> 00:11:14,727 There we go. 276 00:11:14,795 --> 00:11:16,462 To you, son. 277 00:11:16,514 --> 00:11:18,598 To me. 278 00:11:22,820 --> 00:11:24,470 (coughs) 279 00:11:24,522 --> 00:11:25,355 Fire in the hole. 280 00:11:28,025 --> 00:11:30,693 (coughing) 281 00:11:33,197 --> 00:11:34,313 (grunting) 282 00:11:34,365 --> 00:11:35,915 This is great, ain't it? 283 00:11:35,983 --> 00:11:38,084 (coughing) 284 00:11:38,152 --> 00:11:40,186 "You make me crazy. 285 00:11:40,254 --> 00:11:42,322 "I want to see you right now. 286 00:11:42,389 --> 00:11:44,807 Let's video chat." 287 00:11:44,875 --> 00:11:47,677 Well, I could do that. 288 00:11:49,797 --> 00:11:50,763 (gasps) 289 00:11:55,621 --> 00:11:57,772 So if you like your dinner, 290 00:11:57,823 --> 00:12:00,291 I purchased all of the ingredients at Howdy's Market. 291 00:12:00,376 --> 00:12:02,827 In the future, Barnard, we prefer 292 00:12:02,912 --> 00:12:04,245 you shop at the high-end market 293 00:12:04,296 --> 00:12:05,964 because when you're rich, 294 00:12:06,048 --> 00:12:07,382 you don't concern yourself with prices. 295 00:12:07,449 --> 00:12:09,384 Clap, clap. 296 00:12:10,786 --> 00:12:12,286 I, I found my diary! 297 00:12:12,338 --> 00:12:17,675 Apparently, me and-and some guy named Brayden are in love 298 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,061 and there's nothing anybody can do about it. 299 00:12:22,297 --> 00:12:25,133 (phone rings) 300 00:12:25,184 --> 00:12:27,936 Anybody gonna get that? 301 00:12:27,987 --> 00:12:30,438 Uh, they'll call back. 302 00:12:32,024 --> 00:12:34,859 Hello, thank you for calling. You've reached... 303 00:12:34,944 --> 00:12:37,311 Please leave a message, ♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪ 304 00:12:37,363 --> 00:12:38,913 and I'll get back to you 305 00:12:38,981 --> 00:12:42,417 as soon as I possibly can. ♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪ 306 00:12:42,484 --> 00:12:46,788 ♪ Of thee I sing ♪ 307 00:12:46,839 --> 00:12:50,592 ♪ Land where my father died ♪ 308 00:12:50,659 --> 00:12:54,429 ♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪ 309 00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:59,267 ♪ From every fountainside ♪ ♪ From every mountainside ♪ 310 00:12:59,334 --> 00:13:04,889 ♪ Let threesomes ring. ♪ ♪ Let freedom ring. ♪ 311 00:13:04,974 --> 00:13:07,341 We do that every day at 7:00. 312 00:13:09,011 --> 00:13:10,695 14. 313 00:13:12,565 --> 00:13:14,232 RALPH: I don't want to talk about it. 314 00:13:14,316 --> 00:13:15,817 CHRISTINE: We have to talk about it. 315 00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:17,869 - I don't want to. - We have no other option, Ralph. 316 00:13:17,953 --> 00:13:19,070 I can't take it anymore. 317 00:13:19,155 --> 00:13:21,122 We have to tell Burt the truth. 318 00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:22,624 Tell me the truth about what? 319 00:13:23,792 --> 00:13:25,460 Is it that I'm adopted? 320 00:13:25,527 --> 00:13:27,662 'Cause every time I change the radio stations in the car 321 00:13:27,713 --> 00:13:28,997 and the Mexican music comes on, 322 00:13:29,048 --> 00:13:30,131 I just start dancing in my seat. 323 00:13:30,199 --> 00:13:31,216 I can't control it. 324 00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,218 - That's not it, Burt. - Christine? 325 00:13:33,302 --> 00:13:36,204 We're completely broke and we're about to lose our house. 326 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,557 What happened, Dad? 327 00:13:39,642 --> 00:13:42,594 I had all my retirement money tied up with Bernie Madoff 328 00:13:42,678 --> 00:13:44,896 and Borders bookstores, and I lost it all. 329 00:13:44,930 --> 00:13:47,432 That's the real reason we came her 330 00:13:47,516 --> 00:13:49,767 They kicked us out of our house. We're homeless. 331 00:13:51,386 --> 00:13:53,238 But now that I see how well you're doing, 332 00:13:53,322 --> 00:13:55,056 what do you think of us living with you 333 00:13:55,107 --> 00:13:56,441 until we get back on our feet? 334 00:14:00,162 --> 00:14:01,229 We'd be honored. 335 00:14:07,620 --> 00:14:09,454 (hushed): What the hell are you thinking? 336 00:14:09,538 --> 00:14:11,906 They can't stay here because we don't live here. 337 00:14:11,957 --> 00:14:13,258 (hushed): I know, I know, 338 00:14:13,342 --> 00:14:15,843 but do you have any idea how great that felt? 339 00:14:15,911 --> 00:14:17,295 I'm their hero now. 340 00:14:17,379 --> 00:14:18,913 I've waited my whole life for this. 341 00:14:18,964 --> 00:14:21,132 Talking like this hurts my voice. 342 00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:23,301 Burt, the people who own this house 343 00:14:23,385 --> 00:14:25,436 are gonna come back. Not for three days. 344 00:14:25,521 --> 00:14:27,639 Please, Virginia, let me feel like this for three more days, 345 00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:29,390 and then I'll tell them the truth, I promise. 346 00:14:29,441 --> 00:14:31,476 It is kind of fun pretending to be other people. 347 00:14:33,028 --> 00:14:34,145 Three more days can't hurt. 348 00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:35,396 Yeah. 349 00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:36,781 So, uh... 350 00:14:36,865 --> 00:14:39,784 what do you say to some unfamiliar bed sex? 351 00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:42,537 All right. Ooh, I'm gonna go find some earrings. 352 00:14:42,604 --> 00:14:45,490 I want to look like one of those chicks from Real Housewives. 353 00:15:02,291 --> 00:15:04,892 (sighs) 354 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,562 Aren't you our maid? 355 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:10,131 Probably not anymore. 356 00:15:10,182 --> 00:15:12,183 You might want to check your kitchen calendar. 357 00:15:12,268 --> 00:15:14,152 You're not supposed to be home for three days. 358 00:15:14,236 --> 00:15:16,904 Someone just had to try the moguls. 359 00:15:16,972 --> 00:15:18,790 But that's not the point. 360 00:15:18,857 --> 00:15:20,158 (girl screams) 361 00:15:20,242 --> 00:15:23,945 Oh, yeah, my grandmother's also sleeping 362 00:15:23,996 --> 00:15:25,113 in your daughter's room. 363 00:15:25,164 --> 00:15:27,665 BOY: Thank you, God! 364 00:15:27,750 --> 00:15:29,917 And apparently my son's fake wife is sleeping 365 00:15:29,985 --> 00:15:31,786 in your son's bed. 366 00:15:31,837 --> 00:15:35,590 These are beautiful, by the way. 367 00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:42,630 Boy, you guys sure high-tailed it out of there fast. 368 00:15:42,681 --> 00:15:44,716 I should get those people to come over here 369 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,684 and kick you out of this house. 370 00:15:46,769 --> 00:15:48,669 Well, since it doesn't seem to matter anyway... 371 00:15:48,721 --> 00:15:52,023 I'm not actually Jimmy's wife. 372 00:15:52,107 --> 00:15:53,558 I just thought it would be fun pretending 373 00:15:53,642 --> 00:15:54,776 to be somebody that I'm not. 374 00:15:54,843 --> 00:15:56,477 I'm Tiffany Hargrove. 375 00:15:56,528 --> 00:15:58,196 I'm, uh, the artistic director 376 00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,397 of the Natesville Dinner Theater. 377 00:15:59,481 --> 00:16:00,865 And, well, I gotta run 378 00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:02,450 'cause I'm running a little late 379 00:16:02,517 --> 00:16:04,319 for a dress rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof. 380 00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:05,403 Toodles! 381 00:16:05,487 --> 00:16:07,955 So where's your real wife? 382 00:16:08,023 --> 00:16:09,540 I'm a single father. 383 00:16:09,625 --> 00:16:11,242 Hope's real mother got electrocuted. 384 00:16:11,327 --> 00:16:13,328 Oh, that's so sad. 385 00:16:13,379 --> 00:16:14,662 Faulty wiring? 386 00:16:14,713 --> 00:16:16,530 Yeah, in her head. Murdered a bunch of folks. 387 00:16:16,582 --> 00:16:18,499 Got the electric chair. 388 00:16:18,550 --> 00:16:21,636 Also, two testicles. Two. 389 00:16:23,922 --> 00:16:26,040 I can't believe you lied to us about having money. 390 00:16:26,091 --> 00:16:27,675 What about you? You call and say you want 391 00:16:27,726 --> 00:16:29,127 to visit at Thanksgiving, 392 00:16:29,194 --> 00:16:30,845 but you kinda left out the part about you being homeless. 393 00:16:30,896 --> 00:16:32,713 You're right. You're right. I blew it. 394 00:16:32,765 --> 00:16:35,266 The only thing I have left of any value is 395 00:16:35,351 --> 00:16:36,517 this antique pocket watch. 396 00:16:36,568 --> 00:16:38,269 And that's only because I just stole it 397 00:16:38,354 --> 00:16:39,737 from that house we were just in. 398 00:16:39,822 --> 00:16:41,022 Give me that. 399 00:16:41,073 --> 00:16:43,991 I'll put it back Tuesday. 400 00:16:44,059 --> 00:16:45,943 When Bruce comes back into town, 401 00:16:46,028 --> 00:16:47,895 I'll explain everything. You can go stay with him. 402 00:16:47,946 --> 00:16:51,165 No, you can't do that. I don't want Bruce to find out. 403 00:16:51,233 --> 00:16:52,950 Please, save me this one bit of dignity 404 00:16:53,035 --> 00:16:55,620 until I figure out a way to get back on my feet. 405 00:16:55,704 --> 00:16:57,789 Well, you can stay here in the meantime. 406 00:16:57,873 --> 00:16:59,407 It's not as lavish as the other place, 407 00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:00,391 but it's a roof over your head 408 00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:01,978 and you're welcome to it for as long as you need. 409 00:17:02,253 --> 00:17:03,063 Oh, goody. 410 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:06,305 Now I get to split my social security checks seven ways. 411 00:17:09,389 --> 00:17:10,973 I don't know what I'm happier about: 412 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,925 that my parents are staying with us or that 413 00:17:13,009 --> 00:17:15,060 we finally have an excuse to order the gut-buster pizza. 414 00:17:15,145 --> 00:17:17,062 You're just really enjoying playing the hero, aren't you? 415 00:17:17,147 --> 00:17:18,897 Yeah, it's nice. 416 00:17:18,982 --> 00:17:21,478 At first, I was afraid they didn't really want to be here, 417 00:17:21,479 --> 00:17:24,186 but I think they're starting to feel a little more comfortable. 418 00:17:25,248 --> 00:17:27,716 Well, they certainly look comfortable. 419 00:17:28,417 --> 00:17:30,001 What the hell is all this? 420 00:17:30,385 --> 00:17:31,719 Oh, it's our new bed. 421 00:17:31,786 --> 00:17:34,155 You didn't expect us to sleep on that old couch, did you? 422 00:17:34,231 --> 00:17:36,616 That thing had 70 years of farts in it. 423 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:39,702 What the hell are those sunglasses you're wearing? 424 00:17:39,753 --> 00:17:42,405 We got ourselves a new 3-D television. 425 00:17:42,456 --> 00:17:44,457 CHRISTINE: We're watching the History Channel. 426 00:17:44,542 --> 00:17:46,909 It's like the Nazis are marching right in here. 427 00:17:46,961 --> 00:17:48,511 How'd you pay for all this stuff? 428 00:17:48,579 --> 00:17:51,297 Turns out there was one credit card company 429 00:17:51,382 --> 00:17:52,765 we weren't maxed out on. 430 00:17:52,850 --> 00:17:53,800 Sushi? 431 00:17:53,884 --> 00:17:56,686 Mom, Dad, 432 00:17:56,753 --> 00:17:58,688 we got to talk. 433 00:17:58,755 --> 00:18:00,557 JIMMY: Dad explained to Grandma and Grandpa that now 434 00:18:00,608 --> 00:18:03,226 that they were poor, they needed to start acting like it. 435 00:18:03,277 --> 00:18:06,229 And lucky for them, we were the perfect people to teach them. 436 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:07,930 First they needed jobs. 437 00:18:07,982 --> 00:18:10,283 And since Grandpa made all his money in real estate, 438 00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:11,451 we found him something selling houses. 439 00:18:11,535 --> 00:18:14,787 See ya at 5:00. 440 00:18:14,872 --> 00:18:16,939 Instead of his normal three-piece suit, 441 00:18:16,991 --> 00:18:18,774 he wore a chicken suit. 442 00:18:18,826 --> 00:18:20,960 But when you're poor, you can't be too picky. 443 00:18:21,045 --> 00:18:23,746 Meanwhile, Mom taught Grandma how to live within their means. 444 00:18:23,797 --> 00:18:26,466 So you just add a little vinegar and some lemon juice. 445 00:18:26,550 --> 00:18:28,001 (chuckles) Don't bother. 446 00:18:28,085 --> 00:18:31,671 I closed up shop down there a long time ago. 447 00:18:31,755 --> 00:18:33,756 Down there? I was just showing you how 448 00:18:33,807 --> 00:18:36,059 to make cheap salad dressing. What were you talking about? 449 00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:40,396 Never mind. 450 00:18:40,464 --> 00:18:42,965 JIMMY: Mom also showed Grandma how to shop using coupons 451 00:18:43,017 --> 00:18:45,351 and how to always keep an eye out for damaged goods. 452 00:18:45,436 --> 00:18:48,237 And when there aren't any damaged goods, 453 00:18:48,305 --> 00:18:50,106 she showed her how to damage them. 454 00:18:53,027 --> 00:18:55,978 We also showed them you could relax after a hard day's work 455 00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:58,531 without going to one of those fancy chairs at the mall 456 00:18:58,616 --> 00:19:01,101 that cost a dollar. 457 00:19:02,086 --> 00:19:03,653 And that you don't need a fancy 3-D TV 458 00:19:03,704 --> 00:19:05,371 to entertain yourself. 459 00:19:05,456 --> 00:19:07,624 All you need is a couch, a balloon and a stupid game. 460 00:19:07,675 --> 00:19:09,459 Next. 461 00:19:09,510 --> 00:19:10,993 By the end of the week, 462 00:19:11,045 --> 00:19:12,595 they totally got the hang of it. 463 00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:15,048 They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. 464 00:19:15,132 --> 00:19:16,666 But apparently you can teach a grandpa 465 00:19:16,717 --> 00:19:18,551 in a chicken suit to flip a sign. 466 00:19:18,636 --> 00:19:20,269 To the progress of my parents and learning 467 00:19:20,337 --> 00:19:22,689 that you don't have to be rich to bepy. 468 00:19:22,773 --> 00:19:24,357 And year-old freezer-burned flank steak 469 00:19:24,441 --> 00:19:26,476 is just as good as top sirloin. 470 00:19:26,527 --> 00:19:28,811 Better, you can chew so much longer. 471 00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:30,680 (laughs) 472 00:19:30,731 --> 00:19:32,482 Enough. I can't take this anymore. 473 00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:34,150 - What, Dad? - Hold on. 474 00:19:36,537 --> 00:19:38,655 I've been gnawing on that same bite for 15 minutes. 475 00:19:38,706 --> 00:19:40,356 I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. 476 00:19:40,407 --> 00:19:42,825 Oh, thank God. I can't, either. 477 00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:45,695 My fingers are covered in coupon paper cuts 478 00:19:45,746 --> 00:19:48,831 and, well, this salad dressing tastes like douche. 479 00:19:48,882 --> 00:19:50,750 We know you're trying to help us, 480 00:19:50,834 --> 00:19:53,202 and we know that you enjoy this life, 481 00:19:53,253 --> 00:19:55,088 but it's a God-awful way to live. 482 00:19:55,172 --> 00:19:58,424 I mean, no offense. You keep a lovely home. 483 00:19:58,509 --> 00:20:01,060 Your brother Bruce gets back from his cruise tomorrow. 484 00:20:01,145 --> 00:20:04,430 And as humiliating as it might be to tell him that we need his help, 485 00:20:04,431 --> 00:20:06,716 it's nowhere near as bad as living on a budget. 486 00:20:08,268 --> 00:20:10,103 (whispers): Take me with you. 487 00:20:10,187 --> 00:20:12,655 Bruce isn't coming in. 488 00:20:12,723 --> 00:20:14,223 Cut himself shaving and is afraid 489 00:20:14,274 --> 00:20:15,658 if he touches something, 490 00:20:15,726 --> 00:20:16,909 he'll catch the flesh-eating bacteria. 491 00:20:16,994 --> 00:20:19,162 Oh, my God, I never thought of that. 492 00:20:19,229 --> 00:20:21,664 Let's go. Love you, Burt. 493 00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:28,254 You know, son, I always thought of you as a slacker 494 00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:30,740 who took the easy way out. 495 00:20:30,791 --> 00:20:32,759 But after living with you for one week, 496 00:20:32,843 --> 00:20:35,461 I've realized that you're not a slacker. 497 00:20:35,546 --> 00:20:38,598 I mean, you take care of that old lady and your son 498 00:20:38,682 --> 00:20:40,717 and your illegitimate granddaughter 499 00:20:40,768 --> 00:20:43,352 by working your butt off for very little money. 500 00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:45,138 That's to be commended. 501 00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:49,108 Thanks, Dad. 502 00:20:49,193 --> 00:20:53,646 I, however, would rather kill myself than live like that. 503 00:20:53,731 --> 00:20:54,981 You're a better man than I. 504 00:21:00,771 --> 00:21:02,288 Well, we've got about five hours 505 00:21:02,372 --> 00:21:04,874 till they repossess this TV. 506 00:21:04,941 --> 00:21:08,911 Let's see what a 72-inch 3-D Wheel of Fortune looks like. 507 00:21:14,301 --> 00:21:15,284 (knocking) 508 00:21:21,291 --> 00:21:22,992 Is Barbara June here? 509 00:21:23,060 --> 00:21:25,144 I just can't get her out of my mind. 510 00:21:25,229 --> 00:21:28,231 Maw Maw, your boyfriend's here! 511 00:21:28,298 --> 00:21:32,517 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com