[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHATTER]
[TEXT ALERT]
- WHAT? REALLY?
- SUP?
BECK: ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
[TEXT ALERT]
- WHAT? WHAT?!
OKAY. YOU WANNA GO THERE?
- I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE TEXT FIGHTING ABOUT.
- LET'S ASK THEM. HEY, YOU GUYS--
-STAY OUT OF THIS. - BACK OFF!
- I'D RATHER NOT GET INVOLVED.
- I THINK THAT'S BEST. - OKAY.
- HEY, CAT.
- HI, EVERYONE.
KNOCK KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE?
- ISN'T. - ISN'T WHO?
- ISN'T LIFE AMAZING? [LAUGHING]
I KNOW.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- GOOD MORNING, PEOPLE. OR AS THEY SAY IN GUATEMALA...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- THAT MEANS "A TURTLE ATE MY WIFE."
- OH, THAT'S SAD, BUT HILARIOUS.
[LAUGHING]
- HEY, WHAT YOU GOT THERE? - YEAH, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
- WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
- THIS IS A ONE-CUP COFFEE MAKER,
A GIFT TO ME FROM OUR ESTEEMED PRINCIPAL.
- WHAT IS IT, YOUR BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING?
- MY ANNIVERSARY--
10 YEARS TEACHING HERE AT HOLLYWOOD ARTS.
- WHOA. [CHEERING]
- WAIT, IT'S YOUR 10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY TEACHING HERE
AND THEY GAVE YOU A ONE-CUP COFFEE MAKER?
- WELL, IT MAY NOT BE MUCH, BUT AS THEY SAY IN GUATEMALA...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
- THAT MEANS "I FORGOT TO WEAR UNDERWEAR."
- ARE YOU SURE?
'CAUSE I THOUGHT-- AH, IT DOES.
- AH.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN ♪
♪ FEELING LOST, BUT NOW AND THEN ♪
♪ I BREATHE IT IN TO LET IT GO ♪
♪ AND YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHERE YOU ARE NOW OR WHAT IT WILL COME TO ♪
♪ IF ONLY SOMEBODY COULD HEAR ♪
♪ WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT HOW, YOU'RE LOST IN THE MOMENT ♪
♪ YOU DISAPPEAR ♪
♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION ♪
♪ YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION ♪
♪ NOT A FANTASY JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN IT TURNS OUT RIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU LIVE IN YOUR IMAGINATION ♪
♪ TOMORROW YOU'LL BE EVERYBODY'S FASCINATION ♪
♪ IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE ♪♪
- OH, COME ON.
FOR HIS 10-YEAR TEACHING ANNIVERSARY,
YOU GUYS DON'T THINK SIKOWITZ DESERVES A BETTER PRESENT
THAN A ONE-CUP COFFEE MAKER?
- THEY SHOULD'VE GOT HIM A PAIR OF SHOES.
I'M TIRED OF LOOKING AT THAT HIPPIE'S HAIRY FEET.
I THINK SIKOWITZ HAS CUTE FEET.
RIGHT?
- HOW COME NONE OF US EVER SIT ON THAT SIDE OF THE TABLE?
- YOU GUYS, SIKOWITZ IS AN ACTING TEACHER.
IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR HIM,
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO SEE A REALLY GOOD PLAY?
- THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH. - THAT IS GOOD.
- A FINE IDEA.
- SEE? I'M NOT JUST GORGEOUS.
- YOU'RE A GRUNCH.
- OH, HEY. MY MOM AND DAD SAW A PLAY
AT THE MELROSE PLAYHOUSE THEY SAID WAS AMAZING.
- [GASP] - AND THEN TRINA SCREAMED.
- THERE'S SHAWN.
ANDRE: WHO'S SHAWN?
- HE'S 160 POUNDS OF SENIOR HOTNESS,
AND I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
YEAH. OKAY.
SEE YOU THERE.
OH, HI. SHAWN, RIGHT?
- YEAH. UH, TARNI?
- TRINA... OR TARNI.
TRINA, TARNI, I ANSWER TO BOTH.
- SO PEOPLE DO CALL YOU TARNI?
- NO. NO ONE CALLS ME TARNI.
WAIT. UH...
YOU LIKE PIZZA? - SURE.
- GREAT, 'CAUSE THERE'S THIS NEW ITALIAN RESTAURANT
THAT JUST OPENED, AND STARTING FRIDAY NIGHT,
THEY'RE DELIVERING FREE PIZZAS FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
- OH.
- SO HERE. UH, TAKE THEIR NUMBER.
AND-- HERE WE GO. JUST, UH, YEAH.
UH-HUH.
AND GIVE THEM A CALL THIS FRIDAY AND ORDER YOURSELF A FREE PIZZA.
- DO THEY HAVE SWEET TEA?
- YEAH, THEY DO.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, I JUST FIGURED IF...
- WERE YOU JUST GUESSING? - YEAH.
[TEXT ALERT]
- WHAT?
ALL RIGHT, SORRY, WHAT?
- YOU READ ME.
- WELL, I MUST SAY, IT'S EXTREMELY KIND
OF YOU TEENAGERS TO TAKE ME TO THE THEATER LIKE THIS.
- AH, YOU DESERVE IT AFTER 10 YEARS OF BEING A TEACHER.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
SO, WHAT'S THIS PLAY ABOUT?
- I'M NOT EVEN SURE.
- IT'S ABOUT AN ARTIST WHO FACES A MAJOR LIFE CRISIS.
- AH.
WELL, ALL THE PLAYS HERE ARE TOP "NOOTCH."
- UH, NOTCH. - I SAY "NOOTCH."
TRY IT.
- WHAT, ME? - COME ON-- "NOOTCH."
- "NOOTCH." - "NOOTCH."
EH? - AH.
- SEE? - YEAH.
- FEELS GOOD, RIGHT? - OOH.
- ALL MY STUDENTS, TRY IT.
[STUDENTS REPEATING "NOOTCH"]
"NOOTCH." AND NOW EVERYBODY.
[CROWD MURMURING "NOOTCH"]
UH-HUH.
- SO DO I LOOK LIKE A REAL PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL?
- I DON'T KNOW. THEY WON'T DELIVER PIZZA
TO MY HOUSE ANYMORE 'CAUSE OF MY BROTHER.
- WHY? WHAT'D HE DO?
- WELL, ONE TIME, HE ATE A BUCKET
FULL OF RAW CHICKEN PARTS, AND WHEN THE PIZZA GUY
CAME TO THE DOOR-- [PHONE RINGING]
- OH!
IT'S SHAWN! SHUT UP!
[TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
(IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT) ITALIONI'S.
CAN I HELP YOU?
- [CAT GIGGLING] - OH, YES.
WE ARE STILL DELIVERING FREE PIZZAS.
UH-HUH. OH, WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?
- YOUR ACCENT IS SO VAGUE.
- SHH.
YES, SI, SI.
OH, THAT'S A GORGEOUS ADDRESS.
PIZZA'S ON THE WAY. ARRIVEDERCI!
YOU GOT TO HELP ME MAKE PIZZAS.
- WHY?
- OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT SUPER HOT SENIOR SHAWN BECKER?
- I KNOW OF HIM.
- WELL, I WANT THAT BOY.
SO I GOT TO TAKE HIM A FREE PIZZA.
- RIGHT.
- CHEESE, CHEESE, PEPPERONI, CHEESE,
MEAT LOVERS TRIO, SAUSAGE! OPEN THE OVEN.
- 'KAY, 'KAY.
YOU GIVE ME ANXIETY.
- GOOD.
- I HAD DREAMS OF DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH MY LIFE,
BUT NOW I'M JUST A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER,
WORTHLESS LOSER...
FRITTERING MY DAYS AWAY IN A STUPID CLASSROOM
WITH A BUNCH OF SNOT-NOSED TEENAGERS.
THAT'S NO LIFE FOR A MAN. [PHONE BUZZING]
RANDY: OKAY, SO LOOK AT TEACHING AS A-- A TEMPORARY THING.
- IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS, RANDY.
10 YEARS WATCHING MY FRIENDS HAVE REWARDING LIVES
WHILE I'M NOTHING BUT A STINKING HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER.
- GREAT PLAY, TORI. GOOD CALL.
- I DIDN'T KNOW.
- AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT BALD.
- MIKE, DUDE, COME ON BUDDY.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
[MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- OH MY GOD. SHAWN?
- TARNI? - TRINA.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- BRINGING A SPECIAL BOY A SPECIAL PIZZA FROM ITALIONI'S.
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WORKED THERE.
- WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU LOOK SO HOT IN A BLUE T-SHIRT.
SO I BET THIS MAKES YOU HUNGRY, HUH?
HMM? HMM? [SNIFFING]
EH?
- I CAN'T EAT THAT.
- WHY NOT?
- IT'S GOT GREEN PEPPERS ON IT.
- [HIGH PITCHED GIGGLE] WHAT?
THEY'RE JUST GREEN PEPPERS.
- NOW YOU MADE ME FEEL BAD.
- NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
BABY, BABY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
SHH. SHH.
I WILL GO GET YOU A NEW PIZZA.
- 'KAY.
- I LOVE YOU.
- WHAT?
- NOTHING.
FREAKING GREEN PEPPERS.
- MAN, SIKOWITZ IS 10 MINUTES LATE.
- WHERE IS HE?
- MAYBE HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN A DARK CLOSET
'CAUSE YOU FORCED HIM TO GO SEE A PLAY
THAT MADE HIS WHOLE LIFE SEEM LIKE A BIG FAT PILE OF GARBAGE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A BANANA.
- YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T I JUST LIE ON THE FLOOR
SO YOU CAN START KICKING ME?
- YOU HAVE THAT DREAM TOO?
- YOU KNOW, UH, MONKEYS PEEL THEIR BANANAS FROM THE BOTTOM.
MAN, DO YOU JUST SIT THERE AND THINK TO YOURSELF,
"HEY, WHAT WOULD AN IDIOT SAY RIGHT NOW,"
AND THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY?
[SIKOWITZ SIGHS]
CAT: HI.
- [SIGH]
- HEY!
- HI.
- SO SIKOWITZ, WHAT YOU GONNA TEACH US TODAY, HMM?
[LAUGHS]
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT,
BUT I BET IT'S GONNA BE FANTASTIC.
- WHOO! - ALL RIGHT.
[CHEERING]
- HUH?
- WE'RE READY TO LEARN.
- YEAH, OKAY.
TORI, AND UM...
ELVIS...
GET UP ON THE... STAGE THING.
- OKAY.
- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT YOU, UH, WANT US TO DO?
- UM... A SCENE.
YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME LINE.
"LIFE IS PAIN."
SO YOU JUST KEEP SAYING THAT TO EACH OTHER OVER AND OVER.
DO IT. ACTION.
- LIFE IS PAIN.
- IT CERTAINLY IS.
DING, THERE'S THE BELL. CLASS DISMISSED.
[SIGH]
[CRASH]
- [GASP]
- WAY TO GO, TORI.
YOU BROKE SIKOWITZ.
- I DID NOT BREAK SIKOWITZ. [SIKOWITZ GROANING]
I DID NOT BREAK SIKOWITZ. [SIKOWITZ GROANING]
I BROKE SIKOWITZ.
[SIKOWITZ GROANING]
- [SIGH] WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
- OOH.
I TOOK HIM TO SEE A PLAY.
THE PLAY WAS ABOUT A MAN WHO HATES HIS LIFE
'CAUSE HE'S A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER.
- WELL, THAT WAS CRUEL.
- WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE PLAY WAS ABOUT.
- IT WAS STILL CRUEL.
- OKAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE GUIDANCE, COUNSELOR?
- TALK TO HIM.
- HOW'S THAT COCONUT?
- ROUND, HAIRY.
- I'M SORRY WE TOOK YOU TO THAT PLAY.
- WHY SORRY? I LOVED IT.
- WELL, JUST 'CAUSE IT WAS ABOUT-- YOU LOVED IT?
- MM-HMM.
- BUT YOU'RE ALL DEPRESSED.
- DOES IT SHOW?
- KINDA.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- WELL, SEE, I WAS DATING THIS WOMAN,
AND DURING THE PLAY, SHE SENT ME A TEXT MESSAGE.
SHE DUMPED ME AND SHE'S MOVING TO FRESNO.
- OH, THAT'S AWESOME.
NO, NO, NO, I MEANT... [CLEARS THROAT]
THAT WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THE PLAY
WAS ABOUT A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER WHO'S A SAD PATHETIC LOSER,
AND... NOTHING.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE BEING A TEACHER.
- GOOD.
WELL, I'M SORRY YOUR LADY BAILED ON YOU.
- IT IS WHAT IT IS.
WHAT IT IS.
- HEY, TORI. HAVE YOU SEEN REX?
WE'RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK.
- NOPE, HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
[SNEEZING]
- OH... OH, MAN.
I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF TORI'S BACKPACK.
BUT IT SMELLS GOOD IN THERE.
- [SNIFFING] HUH.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- WELL, WELL, WOULD A CUTE BOY
LIKE ANOTHER FREE SAUSAGE PIZZA
WITH NO GREEN PEPPERS WHATSOEVER?
[GIGGLES]
- YOU'RE WEIRD.
- [GIGGLES] YEAH, A GOOD WEIRD.
SO, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO EAT THIS PIZZA
ALL BY YOURSELF, DO YOU?
- NO.
- SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE I SHOULD GO INSIDE THERE
WITH YOU AND THE TWO OF US COULD SHARE--
- SHAWN, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WHOA, WHOA. WHO'S SHE?
- SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
- OH, SO WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
- CAN I JUST HAVE MY PIZZA?
- OH, YOUR PI-- YEAH, YOU WANT YOUR PIZZA.
OKAY, YEAH, SURE, LET ME JUST GET THAT FOR YOU, HUH.
WE'RE OVER!
[TEXT ALERT]
- UGH!
UNBELIEVABLE! OKAY.
- STILL FIGHTING WITH BECK?
- OH YEAH.
THERE.
- WHAT'D YOU TEXT HIM?
[GASP]
- EXCUSE ME, WILL I BE AUDITIONING NEXT?
- MAYBE. - BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR LIKE 40 MINUTES, AND I-- - OKAY, TAKE CARE NOW.
- YOU'RE SO GOOD WITH PEOPLE.
SO WHY ARE WE MAKING THIS STUDENT FILM?
- WE'RE NOT.
- SO WHY ARE WE AUDITIONING LADIES TO PLAY JESSICA?
- LISTEN, THIS IS TORI'S IDEA, ALL RIGHT?
- OH, BUT ALL THESE LADIES THINK THEY'RE AUDITIONING
FOR A ROLE IN THE STUDENT-- - HERE, OPEN.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. CAT LIKES CEREAL.
GOOD, GOOD.
YOU WANT SOME MORE? YOU WANT SOME MORE?
YEAH.
ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
- (MUFFLED) UH-UH, NO MORE QUESTIONS.
- YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- READY FOR THE NEXT ONE. - OH, OKAY, UH...
AUDITIONING NEXT IS LARISSA JENSEN.
- HI. WHERE DO I AUDITION?
- DOWN THE HALL, TAKE A LEFT, THIRD DOOR ON YOUR RIGHT.
- THANKS. CAN I USE YOUR RESTROOM FIRST?
- NO.
- OKAY.
- ONE TIME, MY BROTHER TRIED TO FILL OUR POOL WITH GARBAGE--
- UH-HUH, THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING.
- ROLLING.
- CAN I ASK, WHAT IS THIS FILM ABOUT?
- I'VE ASKED HER THAT FIVE TIMES.
- AND ACTION!
- [CLEARS THROAT] JESSICA, I FEEL SO LONELY.
- OH, ROBERT. WHY?
- BECAUSE I'M ALONE.
- NO MAN SHOULD EVER BE ALONE.
- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL IN THIS MOONLIGHT.
TORI: HER HAIR. - WHAT?
- THAT'S THE LINE WHERE YOU STROKE HER HAIR.
- YOU FORGOT TO STROKE IT.
- RIGHT, UH...
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN THIS MOONLIGHT.
- [GASP]
- OH, JESSICA. YOU KISS--
- OKAY. CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.
COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE.
OKAY, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?
- WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS? - WHAT?
DURING EVERY AUDITION, YOU STOP THE SCENE
RIGHT AFTER THE KISS, THEN YANK ME ASIDE
TO ASK ME WHAT I THINK.
- 'CAUSE I TRUST YOUR OPINION ABOUT--
- ARE YOU TRYING TO FIND A WOMAN FOR ME TO DATE?
THE TRUTH.
- OKAY, YES.
- GOOD GHANDI, WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WOULD BE--
- 'CAUSE THE LADY YOU'VE BEEN DATING MOVED AWAY
AND YOU'VE BEEN SO SAD AND DEPRESSED ABOUT IT.
- TORI... I'M NOT DEPRESSED 'CAUSE I MISS CATHERINE.
- THEN WHY HAVE YOU BEEN ALL--
- I MISS...
HER PET... BUNNY.
- HER PET? - MM-HMM.
CUTEST LITTLE CREATURE YOU EVER SAW.
USED TO SIT ON MY LAP AND HOP AROUND THE APARTMENT.
SUCH A SILLY-- [CLEARS THROAT]
I'LL NEVER SEE THAT LITTLE FURBALL EVER AGAIN.
- SO THE LADY, YOU DON'T MISS HER AT ALL?
- EW, NO! SHE HAD SORES ON HER NECK.
- OHH.
- KNOCK KNOCK, HE'S COMING. HURRY, HURRY!
- OKAY.
OKAY, BUNNY. DON'T MOVE.
- [WHISTLING]
WELL, MY GOODNESS.
YOU'VE SCAMPERED FAR FROM HOME, HAVEN'T YOU?
- HEY, SIKOWITZ.
- HI. - HELLO!
- SO UH, WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
- WELL, I FOUND THIS LITTLE RABBIT JUST WANDERING ABOUT.
- AW, HOW CUTE. - ISN'T SHE?
- SO WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HER HOME?
- OH, I'M NOT INTO RABBITS.
- BUT-- BUT YOU'VE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR DAYS
'CAUSE YOU MISS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S BUNNY.
- WELL, YES, BUT-- OH, YOU THOUGHT BUNNY WAS A RABBIT?
- WELL, YEAH.
- [LAUGHING]
NO, NO, NO. BUNNY'S A CAT.
- A CAT? - YES.
THE WOMAN I WAS DATING NAMED HER CAT BUNNY
AFTER HER AUNT BUNNY, WHO'S DEAD.
- EH.
- BUT YOU TOLD ME IT HOPPED ALL AROUND.
- YES.
SHE ONLY HAD THREE LEGS, POOR KITTY.
- YOU LOVED HER CAT.
- VERY MUCH, BUT I'LL GET OVER IT.
WELL, BACK TO THE WILDERNESS YOU GO.
- OKAY, SO HERE'S THE NEW PLAN.
- NO, NO. - NOT INTERESTED.
- NO.
- UGH.
I'VE GOT TO CATCH THE BUNNY.
BUNNY.
WOMAN (ON TV): ...FAT FREE EGG SUBSTITUTE.
- YOU WANT TO WATCH "CSI"?
- OKAY.
[SIRENS]
♪ EVERYBODY NEEDS TO KNOW YOU MIGHT BE CRAZY ♪
♪ HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY THAT I LOVE YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON THAT ♪
♪ I'M NOT AFRAID TO FLY ♪
♪ AND IT'S CRAZY THAT SOMEONE COULD CHANGE ME ♪
♪ NOW NO MATTER WHAT IT IS I HAVE TO DO ♪
♪ I'M NOT AFRAID TO TRY ♪♪
JADE: YOU HAVE THAT DREAM TOO?
[MUSIC PLAYING]