♪♪
LET'S...
DISCUSS...
ACTING!
- WHAT ABOUT ACTING?
- OH, YES!
ANY QUESTIONS?
- ONE TIME, MY BROTHER PAINTED PART OF HIS BODY PURPLE.
- WELL, WHY DID YOUR BROTHER PAINT PART OF HIS BODY PURPLE?
- HE HAD A JOB INTERVIEW.
HE DIDN'T GET IT.
[CLASS BELL RINGING]
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN SEEING
THE CAST LIST FOR A LITTLE PLAY CALLED "STEAMBOAT SUZY"?
- YEAH... - OOH!
- I GOT THE LEAD, RIGHT?
- PARDON?
- I'M PLAYING SUZY, RIGHT?
- DID YOU GET THE LEAD?
UGH!
- I DON'T THINK SHE GOT IT.
- SO, WHO'S PLAYING SUZY?
- ME.
- YEAH, HER, THAT-- SHE GOT THE LEAD.
- WHAT PART DID YOU GET?
- I GOT CHEATED AND HUMILIATED.
- YOU GET USED TO IT.
- ALL RIGHT, NOW, CHILL DOWN.
LET'S SEE, SAYS RIGHT HERE, JADE WEST, UNDERSTUDY
FOR THE ROLE OF SUZY. - OH, YOO-HOO!
LIKE IT'S MY DREAM TO BE TORI'S UNDERSTUDY.
- WHAT'S AN UNDERSTUDY?
- AW, MAN!
[CRASH]
- UM, AN UNDERSTUDY IS LIKE A BACKUP ACTOR.
- SO IF YOU GET OR SICK SOMETHING,
YOUR UNDERSTUDY TAKES OVER FOR YOUR PART IN THE PLAY.
- YEAH. YEAH, IF YOU GET SICK,
OR GO MISSING, OR GET HIT BY A BUS!
[DOOR SLAMS] - UH--
[JADE YELLS]
- SHE CAN'T DRIVE A BUS, RIGHT?
♪♪
- ♪ HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN ♪
♪ FEELIN' LOST ♪
♪ BUT NOW AND THEN ♪
♪ I BREATHE IT IN ♪
♪ TO LET IT GO ♪
♪ AND YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHERE YOU ARE NOW ♪
♪ OR WHAT IT WILL COME TO ♪
♪ IF ONLY SOMEBODY COULD HEAR ♪
♪ WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT HOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE LOST IN THE MOMENT ♪
♪ YOU DISAPPEAR... ♪
♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION ♪
♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION ♪
♪ NOT A FANTASY ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN IT TURNS OUT RIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU LIVE IN YOUR IMAGINATION ♪
♪ TOMORROW YOU'LL BE EVERYBODY'S FASCINATION ♪
♪ IN MY VICTORY ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE ♪♪
- MMM!
I SWEAR, I DON'T KNOW WHY GRANNY SMITH APPLES GET A BAD RAP.
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST APPLES I'VE EVER EATEN.
[STOMPING]
[PLOP]
LOOKS LIKE GRANNY SMITH BROKE HER HIP.
- WHY'D YOU SMUSH HIS APPLE? - 'CAUSE I FELT LIKE IT.
- AH, SHE'S STILL ALL MAD, 'CAUSE TORI GOT THE LEAD
IN "STEAMBOAT SUZY." [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, BABY?
- HEY, BOYS AND SQUIRRELS.
[CAT GIGGLES] - OH!
SQUIRRELS DOES SOUND LIKE GIRLS.
- HEY, AFTER SCHOOL, YOU GUYS WANT
TO GO GET SOME SUSHI AT NOZU?
- YEAH, SOUNDS GOOD. - NOT WITH YOU.
- YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, MY TUMMY'S BEEN
FEELING KIND OF WEIRD THESE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
- AH, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- WHO'S THIS?
HELLO?
YEAH, THIS IS TORI.
YOU-- WAIT, HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?
- WHO IS IT?
- SOME GUY WHO WORKS FOR LADY GAGA.
[CAT GASPS] - WHOO, I WANT SOME OF THAT.
- SHHH! - SHHH!
SHHH... - HI, SORRY.
SHE IS? REALLY? - WHAT'S HE SAYING?
- THEY'RE DOING A NEW MUSIC VIDEO NEXT FRIDAY,
AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR DANCERS AND BACKUP SINGERS.
[ALL CHATTERING]
- WAIT, BUT AREN'T YOU DOING "STEAMBOAT SUZY" NEXT FRIDAY?
- YEAH.
LOOK, I'M STARRING IN A PLAY THAT NIGHT--
[JADE] - OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE GOING TO TURN DOWN A JOB IN A REAL MUSIC VIDEO JUST
TO BE IN SOME LITTLE PLAY HERE AT SCHOOL?
- WELL, I GUESS I COULD BLOW OFF THE PLAY.
- OH, YEAH, AND THEN JADE'LL GET TO PLAY YOUR PART.
- YEAH, I...
YEAH, SHE WOULD, WOULDN'T SHE?
HELLO? SIR?
YEAH, UM, I WAS WONDERING,
[LOUD WHISTLE]
[SINJIN SHOUTING]
[TORI] - AHA!
[GRUNTS]
SINJIN.
- JADE MADE ME DO IT.
SHE PROMISED ME $30 AND A COMPLETE MAKEOVER.
- WELL, YOU FAILED.
SO NOW YOU DON'T GET $30,
AND YOU GET TO KEEP LOOKING LIKE THAT.
- YOU MADE SINJIN TRY TO TRICK ME INTO MISSING THE PLAY
SO YOU COULD STEAL MY PART?
- OKAY. I'M NOT JUST GONNA STAND HERE
AND LISTEN TO YOU ACCUSE ME OF THINGS I CLEARLY DID.
- YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO ME?
- TEACH ME TO DANCE.
- NO!
♪♪
- CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!
THE STORM IS GETTING WORSE! - YOU THINK I CAN'T SEE THAT?
NOW GET DOWN BELOW BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE HAPPENS--
[BUZZING] OH! YOU PUT THE-- OKAY.
OUCH!
- CAPTAIN! YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY LIGHTNING!
- AHH! I CAN'T GET UP.
YOU BETTER DOCK THE BOAT.
- WE'RE NOT DOCKING!
I'LL CAPTAIN THIS BOAT.
- YOU? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
[COUGHING LOUDLY]
- THAT LITTLE GIRL IS SICK.
- HELP ME. PLEASE, HELP! [COUGHS]
- WE'VE GOT TO GET HER TO NEW ORLEANS BY DAYBREAK.
- YOU CAN'T CAPTAIN A BOAT. YOU'RE JUST A WOMAN.
- I MAY BE A WOMAN, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I'M NOT THE BEST DANG STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN
THIS HERE RIVER'S EVER SEEN.
[BOAT HORN]
♪ NOW, MEN WILL ALWAYS TELL YOU HOW THEY DO IT ALL ♪
♪ WHILE WOMEN DO THE WORK YOU NEVER SEE ♪
♪ AND SO AS IT WOULD HAPPEN, YOU'RE IN GREAT NEED ♪
♪ OF A CAPTAIN, OH ♪
♪ A CAPTAIN, AND THAT CAPTAIN IS ME ♪
[ALL] - ♪ AND SO AS IT WOULD HAPPEN ♪
♪ WE'RE IN GREAT NEED OF A CAPTAIN ♪
♪ WELL, THE CAPTAIN, YES, A CAPTAIN IS SHE ♪
[COUGHS]
- HOLD! CUT! CUT! CUT!
CAN I HELP YOU?
- YEAH, I GOT FLOWERS FOR UH, UH, TORI VEGA.
- ME? OH.
I WONDER WHO WOULD'VE SENT ME FLOWERS.
- OH, TORI, THOSE ARE BUSH DAISIES!
[TORI SCREAMS]
[DELIVERY MAN] - WHAT'S UP?
- I AM WAY ALLERGIC TO BUSH DAISIES.
LIKE IF I GET ANYWHERE NEAR THEM, MY WHOLE FACE
STARTS SWELLING UP AND I START SWEATING AND SHAKING.
- WELL, WHO WOULD'VE SENT YOU BUSH DAISIES?
- I DON'T KNOW...
OR MAYBE I DO.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS ALLERGIC TO BUSH DAISIES?
- I DO MY RESEARCH.
- YOU LOOKED UP MY MEDICAL RECORDS?
- I'LL ANSWER THAT RIGHT AFTER YOU STICK YOUR FACE
IN THOSE BUSH DAISIES.
- LISTEN TO ME.
I'M DOING THIS PLAY.
I AUDITIONED.
I GOT THE LEAD, AND I'M DOING IT.
- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO!
- ALL RIGHT. [CLAPS]
PICK IT BACK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
TRINA. - YEP?
- I WASN'T BELIEVING YOUR COUGH.
YOU NEED TO REALLY SELL THE TUBERCULOSIS.
- UH, LIKE THIS?
[COUGHING OVER-DRAMATICALLY]
- YEAH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- HEY! HEY! ROBBIE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
- WHAT? ROBBIE? - WHAT?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? - I DON'T KNOW.
HIS STOMACH WAS HURTING REALLY BAD,
SO AN AMBULANCE TOOK HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM,
AND THEY X-RAYED HIM. - AND WHAT DID THEY FIND?
- WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS TEXT MESSAGE FROM REX...
IT SAYS THERE'S A CAR PARKED IN ROBBIE'S BUTT.
- OH, MY GOD! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
- WELL, WHO WOULD?
- IS ROBBIE GONNA BE OKAY?
- I DON'T KNOW. HIS PARENTS ARE IN BOCA,
SO I'M GONNA HEAD OVER TO THE HOSPITAL.
- WELL, CAN WE COME? - WE WANT TO SEE ROBBIE.
- SIKOWITZ? - YES, OF COURSE.
- BUT THE PLAY STARTS AT 7:30.
- WE'LL BE BACK WAY BEFORE THEN, COME ON.
- OKAY. - BYE.
- WHOA, WAIT, JADE. - WHAT?
- IS THIS JUST ANOTHER TRICK TO GET ME OUT OF THE PLAY
SO YOU CAN STEAL MY PART? - NO.
- AND WHAT IF YOU'RE LYING?
[SIGHS] - FINE.
I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL, YOU STAY HERE.
- OKAY.
WAIT.
- WHAT?
- HOW DO I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT TRICKING ME
BY HAVING ME STAY HERE WHILE YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?
- BOTH OF YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL!
- ALL RIGHT. - WE'LL BOTH GO.
[SIREN]
[MOANING]
- SO, HOW YOU FEELING?
- NOT GOOD. I HAVE A SHARP PAIN IN MY LOWER ABDOMEN.
- ROB, ROB, ROB, LISTEN. - WHAT?
- I DON'T CARE.
- OH.
- HEY, GUYS
- THERE'S A CAR PARKED IN ROBBIE'S BUTT.
- QUIT SAYING THAT.
- ROBBIE, YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN?
- WELL, WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD,
I TOOK MY FAVORITE LITTLE TOY CAR TO SCHOOL,
AND A SCARY BULLY MADE ME SWALLOW IT.
- YEAH, SHE WAS REAL SCARY.
REMEMBER HOW SHE KEPT WHOOPING YOU WITH HER PONYTAIL?
- THEY WERE BRAIDS.
- SO WAIT, THIS LITTLE TOY CAR, IT'S BEEN INSIDE OF YOU
FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS?
- UH-HUH.
- SO, THIS LITTLE CAR,
WHY WON'T IT JUST, YOU KNOW, BACK OUT?
- WELL, THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S STUCK IN MY SMALL INTESTINE.
THAT'S MY X-RAY RIGHT OVER THERE.
- [ANDRE] OH. - [TORI] YEAH, IT'S A CAR.
[JADE] YEP, THAT'S A WASTED CAR, ALL RIGHT.
- WHAT KIND OF CAR IS IT?
- IT LOOKS LIKE A SPORTS CAR.
- YEAH, IT'S A PONTIAC.
- OH. [ALL CHATTERING]
- EXCUSE ME.
ROBBIE'S PARENTS ARE ON THE PHONE IN RECEPTION.
- OH, GOOD. ROBBIE, I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW.
- THANKS, LANE. - HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY LOTION?
- LOTION?
- SO, IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO HELP?
[LOUD HACKING COUGH] - SHH!
LISTEN!
[LOUD HACKING COUGH]
THAT IS SOME JUICY COUGHING AND HACKING.
[LOUD HACKING COUGH] - SO?
- I'M PLAYING THE ROLE OF A LITTLE GIRL WITH TUBERCULOSIS,
AND I WANT MY COUGHING AND HACKING
TO SOUND REALISTIC LIKE HIS.
[WORSE HACKING COUGH]
WAIT TILL I GET THERE!
COME WITH ME. - KAY, KAY.
- OH, MY GOODNESS, ROBBIE, I DIDN'T REALIZE
YOU WERE SO POPULAR.
ARE YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND?
- NO, ARE YOU?
- OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN TO THE NURSERY
AND SCARE THE NEWBORN BABIES?
[GASPS] - WHERE ARE THE BABIES?
- UH--
- SO, DOC, WHAT'S THE SITUATION WITH ROBBIE?
- WELL, YOU SEE THIS TEAR IN HIS SMALL INTESTINE?
- YEAH. - WELL, IF THAT PONTIAC MOVES,
IT COULD RIP THAT KID'S GUTS APART.
[SQUEALS]
- SO SLICE HIM OPEN, AND YANK IT OUT.
- WELL, WE WOULD, BUT ROBBIE HAS A RARE BLOOD TYPE, O NEGATIVE.
- OH. - NEGATIVE.
- AND WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH HERE FOR THE SURGERY.
- SO HOW DO YOU PLAN TO--
- WHOA, WHOA.
I KNOW WHERE YOU COULD GET SOME O NEGATIVE BLOOD.
- WHERE? - RIGHT HERE.
- I'M O NEGATIVE?
YOU DID GO THROUGH MY MEDICAL RECORDS.
- TOLD YOU I DO MY RESEARCH.
- WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DONATE BLOOD FOR ROBBIE'S OPERATION?
- UH... SURE, TOTALLY.
- BUT THE PLAY STARTS IN THREE HOURS.
- OH, YOU'RE IN A PLAY?
- UH, YEAH, AT SCHOOL. I'M THE LEAD.
- WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY,
SOMEONE THAT COULD TAKE YOUR PLACE?
- MM-HMM, YEAH, SHE DOES.
♪♪
- IS THIS GONNA HURT? - PROBABLY.
MARLON, PUT YOUR TEACHER ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!
- HOW MUCH BLOOD ARE YOU GONNA NEED?
- TAKE A LOT.
WHATEVER YOU DON'T USE, JUST PUT IN A JUG AND SEND TO MY HOUSE.
- GET OUT. - NO.
I'M LEAVING.
- HEY, MY HEART'S GOT A NICE BEAT GOING.
[BEATBOXING]
GO HEARTBEAT. YEAH...
- LISTEN, I'M STARRING IN A PLAY TONIGHT--
- MM-HMM. - AT 7:30.
I'LL BE OKAY TO DO IT, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YOU'RE ONLY GIVING ONE PINT OF BLOOD.
IT'LL TAKE A FEW MINUTES. YOU'LL BE FINE FOR YOUR PLAY.
WELL, WHO GAVE HIM THE MUSTARD?
- HI. - WE'RE BACK.
- HOW WAS THE DUDE WITH TUBERCULOSIS?
- AH, HE JUST HAD STUPID PNEUMONIA.
- BOO! - AHH!
[GIGGLES] - WAS THAT LOUD?
- UM, WILL YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE ABOUT TO STICK THE NEEDLE IN MY--
OH, AND THERE'S A NEEDLE IN MY ARM.
- HEY. HEY, I NEED TO LEARN
THE PROPER WAY TO COUGH AND HACK.
ARE THERE ANY PATIENTS WITH TUBERCULOSIS IN THIS HOSPITAL?
- SEVENTH FLOOR, NORTH WING. - THANK YOU.
- GET AWAY FROM ME.
- CAT, COME WITH ME.
- DON'T BOTHER SICK PEOPLE.
- BYE! - AHH!
- LET'S SEE... [PATIENT COUGHING]
OH, STAGE THREE TUBERCULOSIS.
SCORE! [CAT GIGGLES]
[MAN COUGHING] HEY! HEY! HEY!
SIR, SIR, SHU-- SH-- SH-SH-- SHU-- SHUT-- SHUT UP.
SH--SH. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.
DO YOU MIND IF I RECORD YOUR COUGHING AND HACKING?
[PATIENT COUGHING] - I'M CAT.
[COUGHING LOUDLY]
- YES!
HACK IT UP!
OH.
OKAY, I'M GONNA TRY IT JUST LIKE THAT, YEAH.
[COUGHING LOUDLY]
[CHUCKLES]
[COUGHING LOUDLY]
[SCREAMING]
♪♪
- HEY, DO ME A FAVOR
AND TAKE THIS BLOOD TO OR, ROOM 15.
A KID NAMED ROBBIE SHAPIRO NEEDS IT FOR SURGERY.
- NO PROBLEM. I'LL TAKE IT UP AS SOON
AS I'M DONE FILLING THIS OUT.
- THANKS. - OOH, STILL WARM.
- DON'T BE CREEPY.
- WATCH YOUR BACK. FOOD COMING THROUGH.
HUH?
♪♪
[ROBBIE GROANS] - THIS SHOULD TAKE THE PRESSURE
OFF HIS LOWER ABDOMEN.
[MOTOR WHIRRING]
- OOH, INTERESTING.
- IS THAT BETTER?
- YEAH, THANKS, DOC.
SO YOU GAVE BLOOD?
- A WHOLE PINT.
YOU ARE READY FOR "SURGIFICATION."
- WHO'S SWEET LIKE TAFFY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- IT'S YOU.
[CHUCKLING] - YOU'RE SILLY.
[NURSE WHISPERING]
- YOU LOST HER BLOOD?
- WHAT? - IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
IT WAS THAT CREEPY MALE NURSE WITH THE BEARD.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT TO HAVE TYPE O NEGATIVE BLOOD,
OR WE CAN'T OPERATE ON THIS BOY. - I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND.
- DO YOU MIND GIVING US ANOTHER PINT OF BLOOD?
- ANOTHER WHOLE PINT? IS THAT SAFE?
- OH... SURE.
- WILL SHE STILL MAKE IT BACK FOR HER PLAY ON TIME?
- IT STARTS AT 7:30.
I'M STEAMBOAT SUZY.
- WON'T BE A PROBLEM.
[SIGHS] - LET'S GO.
DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL BE BETTER SOON.
- THANKS, TORI.
- UM, AND ROBBIE?
- YEAH?
- SPONGEBOB UNDERWEAR?
[GASPING]
- ALL RIGHT, DOUBLE-TIME, PEOPLE.
THIS PLAY STARTS IN LESS THAN ONE OF YOUR EARTH HOURS.
- WE'RE BACK. - AH, CAT!
HURRY, GO HELP SINJIN WITH THE LIGHTING CUES.
- KAY, KAY. - WHERE'S TORI?
- STILL AT THE HOSPITAL. - WHAT?
- THEY LOST HER BLOOD, SO THEY'RE TAKING SOME MORE.
- WELL, SHE BETTER BLEED FAST.
- AND WHERE'S JADE?
- SOMEBODY LOOKING FOR THE BEST DANG
STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN THIS HERE RIVER'S EVER SEEN?
- WHY ARE YOU WEARING TORI'S DRESS?
- 'CAUSE SHE'S PLAYING HOSPITAL, SO I'M PLAYING SUZY.
- TORI'S GONNA BE BACK IN PLENTY OF TIME.
- OH, THEN I'LL JUST KEEP HER DRESS WARM.
[COUGHING LOUDLY]
- AH, NOW THAT COUGH SOUNDED
NICE AND THICK LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE.
VERY REALISTIC.
- YEAH, 'CAUSE A DISEASED MAN
REALLY GAVE ME TUBERCULOSIS.
- YES!
IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, THE AUDIENCE WILL TOO.
[COUGHING]
♪♪
- ALL DONE? - ALL DONE.
- GOOD.
WOW, TWO PINTS OF BLOOD IN ONE DAY.
- YEAH, SO YOU BETTER DRINK YOUR JUICE AND EAT YOUR COOKIE,
SO YOU WON'T FEEL FAINT.
- BUT YOU ATE MY COOKIE.
- JUST DRINK YOUR JUICE.
- HEY.
THERE'S MY LITTLE BLOOD ANGEL.
- ROBBIE, WHY ARE YOU OUT OF BED?
- I DON'T KNOW. I-- I JUST FELT
KIND OF BAD THAT YOU HAD TO GIVE MORE BLOOD FOR ME.
- NO WORRIES, ALREADY DONE.
- THERE SHE IS.
- OH, YEAH. LET ME SEE.
WOW, IT'S LIKE I'M HOLDING LIQUID YOU IN MY HANDS.
- OKAY.
- AW, SWEET, DID YOU KNOW IF YOU HOLD
BLOOD UP AGAINST THE LIGHT, YOU COULD TOTALLY SEE ALL THE--
[SPLASH]
- I-- I-- I, UM--
- GET THE NURSE.
- I'LL GET THE NURSE.
- FASTER!
♪♪
- [WEAKLY] WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT DOCKING.
I'LL PARK THE "BOATY."
[ANDRE] - YOU? DON'T BE RIDIC--
- YIKES, TORI DOES NOT LOOK GOOD.
- AGREED.
- IT'S NOT HER FAULT. THEY TOOK THREE PINTS
OF BLOOD OUT OF HER.
[SIGHS]
[COUGHS]
[WEAKLY] - THAT LITTLE--
[TRINA COUGHS]
- THAT LITTLE GIRL IS SICK.
[COUGHING] - HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME.
- WE'VE GOT TO GET HER TO-- TO, UM--
- NEW ORLEANS. - NEWBORN BEANS...
[TRINA COUGHS]
BY "DARGBARK."
[COUGHS LOUDLY] - HELP.
- YOU CAN'T CAPTAIN A BOAT. YOU'RE JUST A WOMAN.
- YOU-- YOU MAY BE A WOMAN.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT THE BEST DINGDANG ROBOT CAPTAIN
THAT THIS RIVER'S EVER...
♪♪
YEAH.
♪ AND I WILL ALWAYS LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA ♪
♪ A WOMAN ALWAYS DA-DA DA-DA DEE ♪
♪ AND SO I'M NOT A CAPTAIN ♪
♪ I'M A PRETTY LITTLE SALMON... ♪
OH-- [THUD]
- CURTAIN. [MIC FEEDBACK]
CURTAIN!
UM, WE'LL BE TAKING A BRIEF INTERMISSION.
- POOR TORI. - YEAH.
- I'LL GO GET HER DRESS OFF.
- NO.
- SHE CAN'T PLAY THE ROLE, AND I'M THE UNDERSTUDY.
- I DON'T CARE.
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A GANK ALL WEEK.
I'M NOT GOING TO REWARD YOU BY LETTING YOU PLAY THE LEAD.
- THERE IS AN AUDIENCE OUT THERE.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
- YES.
- YES, IT MUST, AND MUST IT SHALL.
- YOU CAN'T CAPTAIN THE BOAT. YOU'RE JUST A WOMAN.
- I MAY BE A WOMAN, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I'M NOT THE BEST DANG STEAMBOAT CAPTAIN
THIS HERE RIVER'S EVER SEEN.
[BOAT HORN]
♪ NOW MEN WILL ALWAYS TELL YOU HOW THEY DO IT ALL ♪
♪ AND WOMEN DO THE WORK YOU NEVER SEE ♪
♪ SO AS IT WOULD HAPPEN, YOU'RE IN GREAT NEED ♪
♪ OF A CAPTAIN, WHOA ♪
♪ A CAPTAIN, AND THAT CAPTAIN IS ME ♪
♪ AND SO AS IT WOULD HAPPEN WE'RE IN GREAT NEED ♪
♪ OF A CAPTAIN, WELL, THE CAPTAIN ♪
♪ IS A CAPTAIN IS SHE ♪
♪♪
- DID-- DID THEY GET THE PONTIAC OUT OF ROBBIE?
- THEY SURE DID, TORI.
- YAY...
- ♪ IS THE CAPTAIN IS SHE ♪
- ME! [TRINA COUGHS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- ♪ THE WAY YOU PLAYED ME ♪
♪ EXPOSED YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS ♪
♪ AND ONE DAY ♪
♪ I'LL HAVE YOU BEGGING ON YOUR KNEES FOR ME ♪
♪ YEAH, ONE DAY ♪
♪ I'LL HAVE YOU CRAWLING LIKE A CENTIPEDE ♪
[TIMER BELL] - [MAN] MMM!
[SWISH]
- [TORI] IS THIS GONNA HURT? - [NURSE] PROBABLY.