[MUSIC]
- HOW'S YOUR EGGPLANT?
- IT'S FINE. HOW'S YOUR SPAGHETTI?
- I HATE YOU. - WHY?
- I'M NOT HAVING SPAGHETTI! I'M HAVING SPAGATINI!
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? - SPAGATINI IS A VERY THIN NOODLE.
SPAGHETTI IS A RELATIVELY FAT NOODLE!
WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS!
- I FORGOT!
- I MEAN, WHY DID WE EVEN TAKE
A PASTA CLASS TOGETHER?
- AND DONE.
- WE'RE DONE? - BUT, WE STILL HAVE A FEW MORE LINES.
- NO, I MEANT THIS IS DONE. - WHAT IS THAT?
- WELL, IT WAS A JAR OF CREAM, BUT NOW THAT I'VE SHAKEN IT
VIGOROUSLY FOR AN HOUR, IT'S BUTTER.
- YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BUTTER?
- INDEED. - IS IT GOOD?
- I DON'T KNOW, I REFUSE TO EAT DAIRY.
TORI, BECK, TAKE YOUR SEATS.
- IF HE DOESN'T EAT DAIRY, WHY WOULD HE--
- I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T GET IT.
- ALL RIGHT, FOR THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF CLASS,
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ONE-ACT PLAY I'M DIRECTING.
- WELL? - WELL WHAT?
- YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT THE ONE-ACT PLAY
YOU'RE DIRECTING?
- ALL RIGHT.
FIRST OF ALL, I WANNA THANK YOU ALL
FOR AUDITIONING.
THE TWO LEAD ROLES WILL BE PLAYED BY...
ANDRE AND ROBBIE.
- COOL. - HOT BEEF.
- OH, WOULD ANYONE ELSE LIKE TO BE MY GUARDIAN?
- DID ANY OF THE REST OF US GET PARTS?
- AW, IS A CERTAIN LITTLE REDHEAD
HOPING SHE GOT A ROLE IN TEACHER'S PLAY?
- SHE IS.
- WELL, SHE DIDN'T.
BUT I DO NEED SOME HELP WITH THE BACKSTAGE CREW.
JADE, CAT, I WANT YOU GIRLS ON LIGHTING.
- LIGHTING?
- YES, YOU PRONOUNCED IT PERFECTLY.
TORI, I WANT YOU TO WORK WITH SINJIN'S TEAM
ON SPECIAL EFFECTS.
- OKAY, BUT I KNOW LIKE NOTHING ABOUT SPECIAL EFFECTS.
- WE'LL TEACH YOU.
- LOOKIN' FORWARD TO IT.
♪ HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN ♪
♪ FEELING LOST ♪
♪ BUT NOW AND THEN ♪
♪ I BREATHE IT IN ♪
♪ TO LET IT GO ♪
♪ AND YOU DON'T KNOW ♪
♪ WHERE YOU ARE NOW ♪
♪ OR WHAT IT WILL COME TO ♪
♪ IF ONLY SOMEBODY COULD HEAR ♪
♪ WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT HOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE LOST IN THE MOMENT ♪
♪ YOU DISAPPEAR ♪
♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID ♪
♪ TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION ♪
♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION ♪
♪ NOT A FANTASY ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN IT TURNS OUT RIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW ♪
♪ THAT IF YOU LIVE ♪
♪ IN YOUR IMAGINATION ♪
♪ TOMORROW YOU'LL BE ♪
♪ EVERYBODY'S FASCINATION ♪
♪ IN MY VICTORY ♪
♪ JUST REMEMBER ME ♪
♪ WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE ♪♪
- UHHH. HEY. HEY. CHEEKBONES?
- YES, REX?
- YOU GONNA EAT THAT TAQUITO?
- I SURE AM.
- C'MON, GIMME ONE BITE. - NO.
- CAN I SMELL IT? - ROBBIE!
- STOP! - GIMME A BATH.
- LATER. - AWW.
- SO, I HEARD YOU WENT OUT WITH JESSICA WOLF LAST NIGHT.
- OH, YES. I DID.
- SO? HOW'D IT-- - HI, TORI. TORI'S FRIENDS.
[TEXT MESSAGE RINGER] - SO, YOUR DATE WITH JESSICA?
♪ AWESOME ♪
- UH, NOT ACCORDING TO HER LAST UPDATE ON THE SLAP.
- WHAT'D SHE WRITE?
- IT'S KINDA MEAN.
- READ IT!
- LAST NIGHT, WORST DATE EVER.
- OH.
WELL, MAYBE SHE WENT OUT WITH SOME OTHER GUY
AFTER SHE WENT OUT WITH ME AND THEN SHE WROTE THAT
ABOUT THE OTHER GUY.
- DUDE BROUGHT A PUPPET.
- A PUPPET?
- OH, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.
- I'M SORRY.
- AH, WHO CARES?
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE HOOKIN' UP WITH SCRUNGE LIKE THAT.
- HI, EVERYONE! YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT. FELONY JEANS.
AND THEY'RE NOT KNOCK-OFFS.
THESE ARE REAL FELONY JEANS.
THE REALIO-DEALIO.
- REALIO-DEALIO?
- I THINK THAT'S SPANISH FOR REAL DEAL.
- AND WHAT'S SPANISH FOR DIZZY REDHEAD?
- AREN'T FELONY JEANS LIKE SUPER EXPENSIVE?
- YES.
OH, DO ME A FLAVOR AND PUT THIS CREDIT CARD
BACK IN MOM'S PURSE.
- WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT IT BACK IN MOM'S...
[PAINED MOAN]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF CRY.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO PUKE.
- WANT ME TO JERK A KNOT IN YOUR TAIL?
- OH, MY GOD.
- WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF CRY?
- FOR THE PLAY.
I'M SUPPOSED TO CRY IN THE LAST SCENE
AND SIKOWITZ SAYS A REAL ACTOR HAS TO CRY REAL TEARS.
- SO?
- YOU'RE A GREAT ACTOR. - JUST CRY REAL TEARS.
- YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE REAL TEARS COME OUT?
I MEAN, I CAN CRY AND MAKE IT LOOK REAL
AND SOUND REAL, BUT I DON'T SEE HOW AN ACTOR
CAN JUST AUTOMATICALLY MAKE ACTUAL TEARS COME OUT WHENEVER,
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE--
[CRYING, SNIFFLING, WHIMPERING]
WELL, WELL YOU ALL ARE GIRLS.
IT'S EASIER FOR GIRLS TO CRY.
HOW-- HOW DO YOU--
[ROBBIE SOBBING]
SOMETIMES, I HAVE TROUBLE NOT CRYING.
- OH.
[MUSIC]
- GRADY, TAKE THOSE SAND BAGS UP TO THE CATWALK.
- 'KAY. - [LAUGHS]
I LOVE THAT THEY CALL THIS A CATWALK.
'CAUSE MY NAME IS CAT, AND LOOK, I'M WALKING.
WALKING ON THE CATWALK.
- IF SOMEONE WAS PUSHED OFF THIS CATWALK AND THEY LANDED
ON THE FLOOR REALLY HARD, DO YOU THINK THEY'D LIVE?
- WHY ARE YOU ASKING THAT?
- NO REASON.
- TORI. - HI.
- WE WANNA GIVE YOU THIS T-SHIRT.
IT SAYS "SPECIAL EFFECTS CREW."
- THANKS. IT LOOKS... USED.
- YEAH, THAT WAS MY SHIRT.
- WHAT ARE THESE STAINS?
- WHO CAN REMEMBER?
- YOU CAN'T REMEMBER?
- IT HAS ARRIVED.
- YEAH. THERE SHE IS.
- COOL. WHAT'S THAT?
- THIS IS A TURBLOW JET.
- TO CREATE THE TORNADO FOR THE PLAY.
- OOH, IT BLOWS?
- IT BLOWS.
- BLOWS.
- ♪ BLOWS, YEAH ♪
- ♪ UMM-HMM ♪
- HMM.
- SHOW HER.
- WE'LL START ON MEDIUM.
SORRY, SINJ.
- IT HAPPENS.
- WOW, THIS THING'S POWERFUL.
- YUP.
AND IT DOESN'T JUST BLOW.
- YOU FLICK THAT LITTLE RED GUY
INTO REVERSE...
- IT SUCKS.
- SHOW HER.
- NOW COME HERE...
- WHOA, THAT'S INSANE!
- YEAH.
- NOW THAT IS SOME SERIOUS SUCKAGE.
I WANNA PLAY WITH IT...
- HEY. - HEY.
- DID YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF CRY YET?
- NAH. I TRIED ALL LAST NIGHT.
AND IF I DON'T CRY REAL TEARS, SIKOWITZ IS GONNA SAY--
AHHHH! WHAT WAS THAT?!
- LOOK! YOU'RE CRYING.
- YEAH! WHAT DID YOU SPRAY IN MY EYES?
- BEAST REPELLENT.
IT'S POWERFUL ENOUGH TO STOP A MAN
OR A MEDIUM-SIZE BEAR.
- IT BURNS!
- THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING!
[MUSIC]
- OKAY, EVERYONE, WE HAVE 20 MINUTES
BEFORE OUR PLAY BEGINS, WHERE IS MY COCONUT MILK?
[SLURPING]
- YOU'RE DRINKING IT.
- SO AM I.
- CAT, DON'T TURN ON 21.
- DON'T WHAT?
- TURN ON 21.
- 21 ON.
- NO, NO, NO.
CAT, YOU JUST SHOCKED ME!
- I'M SORRY!
- OH. HEY, TORI.
- WHY AREN'T YOU IN COSTUME?
- I'M GOING TO GET CHANGED. WILL YOU WATCH REX FOR ME?
- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE REX WITH YOU?
- 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO CHANGE IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE-- MAKES JOKES.
- HEH HEH, YEAH, I DO.
- HUSH!
WILL YOU JUST KEEP AN EYE ON HIM FOR ME?
- SURE.
- ALL RIGHT, ADOLESCENTS, LET'S DO SOME QUICK CHECKS!
CREW, POSITIONS.
SUNSHINE.
LOVE IT!
CHIRPING BIRDS.
[LOUD, ANGRY BIRDS]
NO, NOT A COCK FIGHT.
PEACEFUL BIRDS.
[SOFT, GENTLE BIRDS]
CHARMING.
THUNDERSTORM.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
EXCELLENT. LIGHTS UP.
NEXT, UM, TORI, LET'S SEE THE TORNADO.
- FULL-ON? - FULL-ON. BLOW ME AWAY.
JUST TURN IT ON.
- HERE WE GO.
- YOU'RE IN REVERSE. - TORI, TURN IT OFF!
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW...
[SCREAMING]
- TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
- OH, MY GOD.
- THIS SHIRT'S A LITTLE BIG,
BUT I THINK IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
WHERE'S REX?
[MUSIC]
- LET ME GO! LET ME GO! REX! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? REX!
- CALM DOWN. - DON'T LOOK!
- IS HE OKAY? IS REX OKAY?
AAH! NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NOOO, NOOO, NOOO!
WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I-- I JUST-- I JUST-- UM--
- REX? REX, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- OH. OH. IS THAT YOU, ROB?
- ROBBIE'S HERE. IT'S ME. IT'S OKAY.
- I'M-- I'M BUSTED UP PRETTY BAD.
- I'VE GOTTA GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.
- ROBBIE... - I'VE GOT TO!
- ROBBIE!
YOU'RE STARRING IN THIS PLAY.
THE AUDIENCE IS OUTSIDE WAITING TO COME IN.
IT'S YOUR JOB TO ENTERTAIN THEM--
NO MATTER WHAT.
- OH. I FEEL COLD.
- SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TAKE REX TO THE HOSPITAL.
- I'LL TAKE HIM. - I'LL DRIVE.
- I'LL GO, TOO.
- OKAY, DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS BIZARRE?
C'MON, IT CAN'T JUST BE ME.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, IT'S SHOWTIME!
WHAT'D I MISS?
- TORI TRIED TO MURDER REX.
- SINJIN!
LET ME HAVE HIM.
- NO.
- WE'LL TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL.
- OKAY.
- I GOT HIM.
- TAKE CARE OF HIM.
- I PROMISE.
- WELL, I'M NOT MISSING THIS.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
- HEY. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WAIT UP. - WHAT?
- WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING?
- TO THE HOSPITAL.
- CAT...
- WE'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO A HOSPITAL.
IT'S A PUPPET.
- NOT TO ROBBIE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE REX TO THE HOSPITAL.
- WHY? - SO HE CAN DIE THERE.
- JADE...
- IT'S NOT GOOD FOR A 16-YEAR-OLD GUY
TO GO THROUGH LIFE WITH HIS HAND
SHOVED UP A-- THAT.
MAYBE THIS HAPPENED FOR A REASON.
- BUT IF REX DIES, ROBBIE'S GONNA--
- GET OVER IT AND BECOME A NORMAL PERSON?
YEAH, THAT'D BE TRAGIC.
- SHE'S GOT A POINT.
- I USED TO THINK MY UNCLE JESSE WAS A NORMAL PERSON,
BUT THEN I FOUND OUT THAT EVERY SUNDAY,
HE SOAKS HIS FEET IN CHICKEN FAT.
- LET'S TAKE REX TO THE HOSPITAL.
- YEAH. - LET'S GO. - OKAY.
[MUSIC]
- BUT HE'S A PUPPET.
- YEAH, YEAH, WE KNOW HE'S A PUPPET.
- LOOK, WE JUST WANT YOU TO HOOK HIM UP
TO ONE OF THOSE BEEPY MACHINES AND WHEN OUR FRIEND ROBBIE
GETS HERE, PRETEND HE DIES.
- YOU WANT ME TO PRETEND THIS PUPPET DIES?
- IS THERE ANY GOOD REASON WHY A GROWN MAN WOULD SOAK HIS FEET
IN CHICKEN FAT?
- CHICKEN FAT?
- WHY DON'T YOU GO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE NICE LADY AT THE DESK?
- 'KAY-KAY.
HI.
- SO WILL YOU DO IT?
- LOOK, I'M A DOCTOR. THIS IS A HOSPITAL.
I CAN'T JUSTIFY PRETENDING THAT A PUPPET--
- COME ON, DOC. - JUST DO IT.
- PLEASE?
- WILL YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?
- WHAT?
- I HAVE A 16-YEAR-OLD SON. HIS NAME IS LENDLE
AND HE'S, UM, WELL, HE'S A LOSER.
WOULD YOU GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM?
- HOW MUCH OF A LOSER?
OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH.
- LOOK, I--
- TORI WOULD LOVE TO GO OUT WITH LENDLE.
- REALLY?
- ONE HOUR, AND IT HAS TO BE A DARK RESTAURANT.
- DONE. BRING THE PUPPET.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR UNCLE WOULD SOAK HIS FEET
IN CHICKEN FAT.
UH, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
- OH, 'CAUSE THIS PUPPET HAD A REALLY BAD ACCIDENT
AND GOT HURT.
BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE CALLED A PUPPET.
- MM-HMM.
AND HOW DID THIS PUPPET GET HURT?
- SEE, WELL, MY FRIEND TORI WAS TRYING TO MAKE
A TORNADO HAPPEN, BUT SHE DID IT WRONG
SO THE PUPPET FLEW ACROSS THE ROOM
INTO A BIG JET FAN.
- OOH, A FLYING PUPPET.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
UH, WILLIAM, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE THIS YOUNG LADY
TO OUR "SPECIAL ROOM" IN SECTION D?
- OF COURSE.
COME ALONG.
- OOH, AN ADVENTURE.
[MUSIC]
- WOW. THAT LOOKS SO REAL.
- SO WHEN THIS ROBBIE KID GETS HERE--
- YOU JUST SAY THAT REX ISN'T DOING WELL,
LET HIM SAY GOOD-BYE, AND THEN BEEEEEEP.
DEAD REX.
- WHY CAN'T MY SON BE HANDSOME LIKE YOU?
- HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
- OH, THIS IS JUST A FATTY LUMP THAT I REMOVED
FROM A CAB DRIVER'S BACK.
- CAN I HAVE IT?
- WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU KIDS GO TO?
I HAVE TO GO SEE ANOTHER PATIENT.
I'LL BE BACK IN 20 MINUTES.
- WHY WOULD YOU WANT--
[TEXT MESSAGE RINGER] - I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT IT.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE WEIRD.
WHO TEXTED? - ANDRE.
THEY HAVE ONE MORE SCENE LEFT IN THE PLAY
AND THEN HE'S GONNA BRING ROBBIE HERE.
- GOOD.
ONE HOUR FROM NOW, YOU DEAD.
- HEY, WHERE'S CAT?
[MUSIC]
- SO, WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
- THEY KEEP YOU FROM HURTING YOURSELF.
- OH. NEAT.
[BEEPING]
BYE
BONK.
THEY WORK.
THIS DOESN'T HURT AT ALL.
BONK. BONK, BONK.
BONKITY BONK, BONK, BONK.
I'M CUBE-FIST-MAN!
BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK...
[MUSIC]
- ANDRE AND ROBBIE ARE COMING.
- GOOD.
- FOUND HIM.
- I WAS TRYING TO STOP THAT MAN FROM CHOKING!
- YEAH, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
- YOU GOT YOUR MACHINE SET FOR REX TO DIE?
- YEAH. IT'LL FLAT-LINE IN EXACTLY 15 MINUTES.
- SHHH! EVERYONE GET READY, GET READY!
- OH, REX!
IS HE GONNA BE OKAY?
- I'M, I'M AFRAID HIS INJURIES ARE VERY SERIOUS.
- THEY DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA MAKE IT.
- WHAT IN THE NAME A'NANCY'S GOIN' ON HERE?!
- I'LL LEAVE YOU AND REX ALONE, SO YOU CAN SAY YOUR GOOD-BYES.
- WAIT. TORI, WILL YOU STAY?
- OH, NO. WHY ME?
- WELL, FOR ONE THING, YOU CAUSED THIS.
- OH.
- AND I JUST REALLY NEED THE COMFORT OF A WOMAN.
- YEP. YEP. I KNOW. IT'S SAD.
[MUSIC]
- HELLOOO?
MY NOSE ITCHES AND I CAN'T SCRATCH IT!
HELLOOO?!
BIG MAN WHO BROUGHT ME IN HERE?
OH, I KNOW.
OOOPS.
COME HERE, NOSE.
TIME TO GET SCRATCHED.
OOH, HERE WE GO.
[LAUGHS]
- WE BETTER CALL IN A SPECIALIST.
- AAH!
- [CRYING]
I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME WE WENT TO MYSTIC MOUNTAIN,
AND I WAS TOO SCARED TO GO ON THE BIG ROLLER COASTER,
SO YOU CALLED ME A WIENIE, AND I WENT ON.
I ENDED UP HAVING A GREAT TIME, EVEN THOUGH I DID PEE MY PANTS
ON THE LOOP-DEE-LOOP.
AND, AND I KNOW TORI'S SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DID TO YOU.
SHE DIDN'T MEAN TO SUCK YOU INTO A JET-POWERED
DEATH MACHINE.
- I REALLY DIDN'T.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY TO HIM.
- I THINK YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH.
- YEAH. I JUST-- WAIT!
WILL YOU SING HIS FAVORITE SONG TO HIM WITH ME?
- WHAT SONG?
- FOREVER, BABY BY MICHAEL CORCORAN.
DO YOU KNOW IT?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE CHORUS?
- THAT'S HIS FAVORITE PART.
COME ON.
[TORI CLEARS THROAT]
both: ♪ MOVE YOUR BODY ♪
♪ RIGHT NEXT TO MINE ♪
♪ FEEL THE BEAT ♪
Tori: ♪ AND WE'RE LOST IN TIME ♪
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. SING IT ON KEY.
- IT WAS ON KEY!
- YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BIT FLAT.
- NO, I WAS NOT-- ALL RIGHT.
[CLEARS THROAT]
both: ♪ MOVE YOUR BODY RIGHT NEXT TO MINE ♪
♪ FEEL THE BEAT ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LOST IN TIME ♪
♪ I AM YOURS ♪
♪ AND NOW YOU ARE MINE ♪
♪ FOREVER, BABY... ♪
[FLAT-LINE BEEP OF MACHINE]
[ROBBIE SOBBING]
[COUGHING, SOBBING]
- I'M SORRY.
- NO!
- I'M SORRY.
COME, THERE'S A QUIET ROOM WHERE YOU CAN SIT
WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
[MACHINE BEEPING]
- ROBBIE! COME BACK!
REX IS OKAY! DOCTOR! ROBBIE!
- WHAT HAPPENED?! - I DUNNO.
IT STARTED BEEPING AGAIN.
- WHAT? - HE'S ALIVE?!
- YEAH! I THINK I EVEN HEARD HIM SAY SOMETHING!
- REX! REX, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
SPEAK TO ME, BUDDY!
- ♪ MEANT FOR ME AND I'M MEANT FOR YOU ♪
- REX. REX.
- ♪ FOREVER, BABY ♪
- REX. IT'S A MIRACLE!
[ALL GROANING]
- YOU STILL HAVE TO GO ON A DATE WITH MY SON.
- AW. WAIT, DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME?
- YOU PROMISED.
- BUT I KNOW ANOTHER GIRL FOR LENTIL.
- LENDLE. - LENDLE.
[MUSIC]
- YOU SAID LENDLE WAS A SUPER-HOT GUITAR PLAYER.
NO, LENDLE'S A LOSER.
I'M GONNA GET YOU, TORI.
[MUSIC]
- GOING TO THESLAP.COM IS LIKE...
- IT'S A SLAP.
- ...A WONDERFUL BOWL
OF HOT FRESH MILK.
- [English accent] THESLAP.COM. [LAUGHS]
- IT'S LIKE BEING SLAPPED BY THE INTERNET.
- OKAY.
- NO, THAT'S, THAT'S DISTURBING.
- [CLEARS THROAT] YEAH.
- COULD I GET A RUBBER BAND?
- MMM!
Cat: I'M CUBE-FIST MAN!