Why are children dancing with a mad Polish woman in my electoral office?
When I agreed to this job, you said that I could bring Iain to work.
Senator Cleaver Greene. I was your fellow speaker here today.
Ah, Li-Ming Wiu, hi.
The bodies of two drowned plumbers were pulled from a sewer today in Canberra.
The bodies were identified as brothers Jake and Gordon Metherall from Queanbeyan.
-The plumbers. -Mmm.
You didn’t. You wouldn’t.
Have you got an appointment to see me, Joe?
[Joe] What if I throw you my numbers? Make you Prime Minister?
You give me that back,
you sign a legal document relinquishing all future claims to it.
-Prime Minister, Cal. -It’s my painting.
Prime Minister.
Are you sure you can’t find another hour or so?
It is not often I spend time with someone who shares my passion.
Why are people leaving the room quickly?
Oh, shit. It’s a coup.
-Fuck me sideways. -It’s a fuckin' coup.
[oriental music playing]
[man] Thank you so much. [mouthing]
Excuse me.
You're looking great.
Why was I not invited?
[Li-Ming chuckles]
Because questions would be asked
by my parents, and my husband’s parents,
the polit bureau, the Ambassador, not to mention my husband.
Yes, yes, well, let’s not mention him.
-Who is the offending article? -Stop it.
He is the Deputy Secretary for the Embassy here.
-Oh, is he? -Yes.
Oh, right. Well, good for him.
His father is about the third richest man in China.
Oh, is he?
And he wants his son to be President one day.
Does he. And. um,
do you love him?
I like him.
He’s handsome, he’s smart.
With my advice, he could get things done.
See, I don't like him.
You’ve never met him.
No, but I don’t have to meet people to not like them.
-So, this is the real you. -I just...
As opposed to the bullshit artist I had lunch with.
Well, yes, this is, uh, this is it,
I'm afraid.
I always prefer the genuine article.
[people exclaiming]
[speaking Cantonese]
[guests shouting angrily]
What are you doing?
[Cleaver] Happy to talk about this, guys.
[announcer] Sources within Australia’s diplomatic corps
are describing it as one of the most
embarrassing diplomatic incidents in decades.
The Chinese Premier is not only calling--
Pull up in this vet’s.
Princess is distressed.
I need to see if there’s someone who could have a look at her.
[Princess retching]
Oh, God.
Yes, they can see her.
Oh mate, she’s chucked something up in there.
Oh, mate, she has thrown up something in there that you don’t wanna know about.
Oh, Princess.
Where is she?
-What do you mean? -Where's Princess?
[Cleaver] I don't know.
Where is she?
What... Well... What...
She was right here a second ago. I'm buggered if I know.
You were right here.
-Well, mate, I don't know. I mean-- -Princess!
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty,
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
I don’t-- Kitty!
This morning, I had the privilege
to inform His Excellency the Governor General
that the Federal Liberal Party last night bestowed upon me
the enormous honor of its leadership.
He consequently asked me to form a government.
I would like to thank Gareth Morrow for his fantastic work as Prime Minister
over the past five Newspolls-- Uh, 15 weeks.
But quite frankly, we weren’t coming up to scratch.
[chuckles] Darling! Come here.
[Cal] More significantly, though, and on a very sad note,
Chief Justice Nelson last night passed away suddenly from a heart attack.
He graced his office with grace and dignity,
and we send our condolences and love to His Honor’s family
and of course, there will be a state funeral. Are there any questions?
[reporters clamoring]
Uh, yes.
I understand the incident at the Midwinter Ball last night involving Senator Cleaver Greene, a Chinese bride
and the collapse of a screen has caused enormous tensions with Beijing.
Mm, not at all, Catherine, no. I spoke to Premier Tsing this morning,
and we couldn’t be closer.
Relations simply could not be better.
God.
So what made you come home so suddenly?
Claudia left me.
-Claudia’s your colleague? -My boss.
Okay. And...
-And she's about-- -Fifty four.
Right, 54.
Darling, can I ask you, um,
a bit of an awkward question?
Yeah.
This thing that you've clearly got about older women,
and it is a thing because it’s been going on for a while now.
-Mmm-hmm. -Do you think that, um, subconsciously,
it’s a way of, um--
Sort of that it’s about you and me?
[retches] Are you out of--
Are you kidding me?
How many times do I have to tell you, Mum, this is not Oedipal?
This is just a thing. It’s a normal thing.
Okay. See, I think that a more normal thing
would be to have lustful thoughts about girls your own age, for example, you know?
What is there to understand? Most people, they have things,
and most people don’t know why.
But darling, she’s 54! I mean, that’s, you know...
Are you saying that a 54 year old woman can't be beautiful?
No, that’s not what I'm saying.
I gotta tell you, Mum, it’s just around the corner for you.
It’s not around the corner, I'll have you know. It’s a good way off.
And you know, Missy is a beautiful woman and you have a child together
and she’s got a good decade on you.
And I mean, that’s substantial.
That’s something to be getting on with, don't you think?
[knocking on door]
Can I help you?
Dallas Jeffrey, Senator Greene. I'm from Morgan Field estate agents,
who represent this property.
This is your Notice to Quit.
Quit what?
These premises. Immediately.
Well you can’t do this. I'm a--
[stutters] I'm a Senator.
We’re very well aware of that.
Well, I have a lease.
Many of the terms of which you have broken.
Here’s the thing. I'm glad you're here,
because I've been having a lot of issues with the plumbing in this joint.
Things you don’t want to know about
that I've had to pay for out of my own pocket,
and I need to be compensated for that.
You have constantly been in arrears with your rental payments.
Yes. Now see that’s an issue I'm having with the banking industry,
because there’s a conspiracy going on.
Senator Greene--
You can’t just kick me out of here without any notice.
I-- I know the law. I make the law.
-There is a clause... -I am the law.
...in your rental agreement
which specifically prohibits subletting your space
and allows for instant termination of the lease if you do.
-I've never-- -You've an hour to vacate these premises.
These gentlemen will ensure your rapid departure.
We’ll probably need to fumigate.
Is it all done? Locked up at the back?
Alright, send the cleaners in now, please.
Ah, the new Prime Minister is so keen for a meeting.
Last night’s events...
[Cleaver] Oh, great. That’d be right. Here we go.
Yes. Mate, listen, would you mind just taking them to Wendy’s, please?
I'm assuming this’ll be my lift for the day.
Hello Nicole, would you mind meeting me at the house please,
as soon as possible? Thank you.
-[knocking on door] -Come.
I'm a man of my word.
Treasurer.
Well,
I won’t say thank you,
but I am prepared to acknowledge the gesture.
-Fair enough. -[cell phone chimes]
Ah, Joe, hang on a tick. Greene’s coming in.
Might be better if we double team him.
Brother.
Rightio.
Brother.
Thank you.
[baby cries]
[baby gurgling]
I didn’t know you were coming back.
It was a spur of the moment decision.
Ow!
Spur is not a fucking excuse!
You might want to hide behind being a child,
but you're not a child anymore.
Okay, one...
One was fair, all right?
Do not get me started on fair.
You are an adult. You have responsibilities.
Do you have any idea how selfish you’ve been?
Is there an answer I can give that won’t result in me getting a slap?
Is Claudia here?
Is that why you’ve come back?
Claudia and I have broken up.
God, she’s so grown up.
Yeah, that’s what happens, isn’t it?
Hey little darling baby girl.
Oh!
[Missy chuckles] Good girl.
There were no deaths.
But there was quite a bit of physical damage, and political.
So it has to be attempted manslaughter, at least.
What, a screen falling on-- Jesus, you're a shit lawyer, Cal.
There’s no such thing as attempted manslaughter, mate.
By definition you can’t attempt the accidental death of somebody.
Terri, I need to give the Chinese something,
or to be more precise, someone.
It was attempted assault.
What, by leaning on a screen, which nobody saw me do, by the way,
and which resulted in a couple of people getting bruised.
-You pushed over the screen... -I leaned.
...with the intention of causing grievous bodily harm
on a race of people that you hate.
What, the whole race, with one screen?
Your father served in Korea, didn’t he?
-Yes, and? -There you go.
What do you mean, "There you go"?
Let’s go with the whole hate/terrorism line.
That way, we can have a trial in camera, no press, no public.
We can have him off to an island by Thursday.
Terrorism is clean. Uncontroversial. Chuck in the hate crime...
[stutters] You people... You're mental.
You have deliberately destroyed years of patient diplomacy.
Diplomacy? You’ve been Prime Minister for about seven seconds, mate.
I mean the South China Sea is about to erupt!
I mean, you have no idea the shit I had to eat from the Chinese this morning.
You know, if I close my eyes, Cal,
it’s almost as if you're channeling my sister.
I mean, your voice is a couple of octaves higher
but it's uncanny.
[Nicole] So?
They’re talking terrorism charges.
-What? -Hilarious, yeah.
They’re going to try and ping me with whatever they can get.
-But it’s pretty funny. -You're kidding!
I know. I'm looking forward to it because it’ll be a big day with the press.
-Terrorism? -Terrorism.
I leant against a screen, or is it leaned?
Um, well leaned or leant, that is the Deputy Secretary
of the Chinese Embassy waiting outside your office.
What? Why? Has he got an appointment?
No, but I'm thinking that he doesn't need one.
Well, why do I want to see him?
Because he’s here and he was the groom.
Oh my God, he’s the groom. Oh, shitballs.
Oh, wow, he looks fit.
Yeah, pretty-- Pretty fit.
Like I'm talking Jet Li.
-Mmm, Bruce Lee. -No, I mean Jet Li.
Who’s Jet-- Oh, see, you're thinking of Jason Scott Lee, Bruce’s son.
No, Bruce’s son was Brandon Lee.
I don't care if it’s Jennifer Jason, just shoosh, shoosh.
Let me focus here.
Listen, could you just get some sort of
emergency medical services on standby, please?
Okay, I'll call the Coroner.
Ah, Deputy Secretary, a pleasure to meet you.
Senator Greene, how do you do?
It has been a pleasure.
He seemed nice.
I mean, that went a lot better than I thought it would.
Just keep your head back.
Ah, that’s nice.
I know this is unfortunate timing,
but my people have told me that you should make your reckoning now.
Make my reckoning? What?
Settle your account.
There is not much confidence amongst any of the drivers’ factions
that you will be a Senator much longer.
I am under considerable political pressure right now
and in order to maintain my position, I have to be seen to be showing strength.
And what position do you think I'm in to settle any account, mate?
I'm a homeless person with a broken nose.
This is about the Princess and don’t pretend otherwise.
I'll get you a new cat. Put it on the tab.
Half the money. Now.
I don't have half... I mean, I don't know how much the whole amount is, mate,
but I can tell you now I don’t have half of it.
Half the money, or half a finger.
Half a finger? What are you, fuckin' Tony Soprano now?
[tires screeching]
My colleagues are very serious people.
Half a finger?
Mate, I've been driving you and that anally bereft
cat of yours around for weeks now. That’s gotta be worth something.
Okay, you get five percent off for driving.
Christ! How much do you think I owe you?
Well let me check. Pass me that ledger.
Yep.
A hundred and eighty thousand dollars, rounded down.
A hundred and eighty thousand? That is impossible, mate.
With interest, very possible.
That is bullsh-- I can’t even conceptualize 180 grand, mate.
-Look, it’s not just me. -Holy shit!
These are very serious people!
Who, the drivers?
If I don’t go back with half the money or half a finger,
I will lose their respect and perhaps a whole finger myself!
And I don't think that’s fair under the circumstances.
Okay, well let’s just go down to an ATM and withdraw $90,000.
[stuttering] I'll tell you what,
I will... I'll write you a check.
[laughs heartily]
You can be so amusing sometimes, sir.
Your son has made a lot of money, has he not?
I don't know. Why are we talking about my son now?
You do know he's back in Australia.
-No he’s not. Since when? -Since this morning.
He would have called. How do you know these things?
Good God, man,
you still do not understand the mysteries of power.
True power is never seen.
We are drivers.
We are this country’s connective tissue,
and I want my Princess back.
[baby crying]
-[Fuzz] Hey mate. -Why didn’t you tell me you were back?
[Fuzz] It’s a long story, Cleave.
[Missy] It’s a real cracker. It’s one for the whole family.
Oh, mate.
What are you doing? Why is he wearing your robe?
Well, the ball was boring
and there was all that screaming coming from the Chinese wedding next door.
-Are you kidding me? -So I invited him back for a drink.
Oh my God, are you kidding?
Oh God! Oh!
God, are you kidding me?
Oh!
You all right in there, Cleave?
You have not got an original idea in your head!
Or your penis! Don’t you see what’s going on?
-He has been stalking me sexually! -He has not been stalking you.
-For years now! For years! -[baby crying]
The world does not revolve around your penis!
[all clamoring]
Oh! Oh, what’s Cleaver up to now?
You're a sick man. I'm gonna throw up.
You know what? You're right. You're right, Cleaver.
I was screwed up. But Wendy has helped me see the light.
You know, I was like a crab lugging around his shell,
as opposed to a shell lugging around his crabs.
Oh, see that’s not funny. You think that’s funny.
-He thinks that’s funny. -I've outgrown my tiny shell.
I now have a new, big, roomy one
with a Jacuzzi and a 70s soundtrack.
-Look at him! That’s my shell! -[Wendy] Oh my God.
That is my shell. You gave him my shell.
I didn't give him... Stop talking about shells!
Because you couldn’t have me and so you were determined to...
To build someone in my likeness.
Cleaver, I rejected you, remember?
Yes, you rejected me because
you wanted to go lounging around in Sardinia,
and I wanted to stay here and serve the people.
I rejected you because I can’t actually trust
a single word that comes out of your mouth.
And the idea of you serving the people is ridiculous.
-Did you two-- I need to know. -[Wendy] Oh my God.
That is absolutely none of your business.
Did it?
[music playing]
Oh, that fucking song again.
World travel hasn’t made you any more familiar
with the notion of knocking, I see.
Oh my God, that song’s gonna drive someone postal one day.
Your mother’s obviously been putting up with it for a year now.
However, number one on my Freudian hit parade right now
is what the hell is going on with you, my friend.
Claudia dumped me.
And Claudia would be the...
The octogenarian woman who lured you into her honey trap?
Fuck, Dad. Don’t joke about this
or I swear to fuck I will get on a plane,
because I came here for comfort and support.
Yes. See, sometimes we think we need comfort and support
and actually what we really need
is a size nine and a half Blunny up the clacker.
Why should men get to be with women half their age
and women aren’t allowed to do the same thing?
I mean, the President of France has a wife 25 years older than him.
-Is he copping shit? -Correct me if I'm wrong,
but I don't believe the President of France has fathered a child
with his own father’s former prostitute,
not that that’d be a problem in France, of course.
Just help me out with one thing, mate.
What in the name of God
could possibly be wrong with Missy?
I mean, she’s an incredible woman.
She’s older than you.
If it’s not working it’s not working.
I fell for Claudia the moment I met her--
No, you didn’t. You didn't! No, you didn’t, you see. This is...
[groans]
You’ve inherited your father’s disease, mate.
You're mistaking possibility for love.
I don't know what that means.
The only thing that ever falls in love at first sight is your penis.
Real love presents itself
slowly, over time,
and sometimes
you only realize it when it’s left the building.
[Wendy] Can you please stop singing that song?
[both chuckling]
So, um,
how is, uh, how’s every other little thing in your life?
-How’s, uh, how’s business going? -It's fine.
-Why do you ask? -Oh no, just wondering.
Shit, how much?
Mate, it doesn't always have to be about...
-How much, Cleave? -About 90. Quite quickly.
-Fuck. -Oh, mate.
It’s the drivers. These are serious guys.
They seem to run the planet, and I've lost one of their cats.
[knocking on door]
I'll get him.
[Maria stutters]
Not a word from you.
Okay, not a syllable from you.
So, here I was,
thinking that I was about to be charged with terrorism,
and that’d be fine because I could defend that.
But no, the charge is fraudulent use of government property
for personal financial gain, okay?
And that’s provable. The fucking creche.
It was a community service.
She’s been charging for it.
I mean, I assumed she, you know, she’d be covering the costs of, you know,
cheese sticks and party pies. How much do you think she’s made from this thing?
I don’t-- I'm not sure, exactly.
Rough guess.
-Hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty. -Thousand?
-Yep. -Dollars?
All declared to the Tax Office, I'm assuming.
There is a serious
shortage of good childcare in this city.
Yeah, and, um, so what did you do with this money?
I put it under your mattress at my place.
Under my mattress? Did you?
And so how much money do you think
the nice policeman found under my mattress?
I think the policeman found about a hundred.
Hundred thousand.
Yeah, I mean, we spent a little bit and then,
then we’ve got a lot of family back in Poland.
Yeah.
Oh, I put on a deposit for a school for Iain.
Oh. And so the nice man
literally found a hundred thousand dollars under my mattress.
-It sounds bad, but-- -Doesn't it?
Yeah, it just snowballed. It got really out of control.
-I mean, the kids just adored Mama. -Do they?
-And the parents adore Mama. -Do they?
Okay, here’s how we’re gonna play this. Right.
You don’t speak a word of English, all right?
I don't want to hear another word of English from you
until all this fucknutedness is over, yeah?
You don’t speak a word of Polish.
I'm fluent.
You don’t speak a word of the bastard, all right?
That’s the game.
It’s all about confusion, yeah?
You came out here as a little girl.
Your parents were constantly squabbling in Polish.
I mean they fought a little bit, but they didn’t--
Your parents were constantly squabbling in Polish.
And that’s why you’ve never embraced the language,
because it stunted you emotionally, okay.
Hence your Mum and you have always had these kind of mix ups,
these constant misinterpretations.
It’s been an albatross around your neck since you were a little girl,
and that’s when you start to cry.
Oh, do I have to cry?
Yes, of course you have to cry!
Are you crazy? How long have you been working for me?
[fake cries]
There’s always been this void-- Void between us.
My mother and I, we just don’t understand each other as a mother and a daughter.
I...
I know I love her, but I don't know her.
I've been in Canberra. So busy.
I didn’t know she was running a creche.
And my partner Barney ran off with a Monica Bellucci lookalike.
And Cleaver Greene knows nothing about this!
-I get the picture, Cleaver. -Do you understand?
You don’t speak any English, okay?
Because you're about to be charged. Jakub will sort out the bail.
Do you understand?
So you'll defend us?
I can’t defend you. I'm not at the Bar anymore.
I'm going to have to get an old friend to do it.
Or an old enemy.
So he wasn't arrested for terrorism? What was he arrested for?
His Chief of Staff’s mother was running a creche out of his Sydney office.
Misuse of public funds.
Oh, well, next best thing.
It’ll be an open trial, Cal.
-Jack, would you excuse us? -Sure.
Jane, you may want to excuse yourself as well. Seriously.
It’s about what happened in the new--
Well, that is to say the former Parliament House.
Oh gee, is it the terrorists? Is there another plot,
because I am not backing away on a fight for this one, Joe.
It’s the last thing the people want to see.
Cal, there were no terrorists.
-What? -It was dodgy plumbing.
Stuffed electrics. Just a cigarette butt thrown at
some inappropriately placed cleaning products.
What are you saying? It was what, an accident?
It was just an accident.
But you guys were all over the news. From day one, it was terrorism.
Yeah, well we thought it was for a bit.
But you know, that was before we found out what actually happened from the plumbers.
Plumbers? What plumbers?
Oh, the ones who just drowned? The brothers?
As a matter of fact that was them.
-So what, we-- -Retrenched them.
That’s all. We retrenched them with extreme prejudice.
Jesus, why did you tell me this?
Because you’ve got a choice, Cal.
I have no choice!
I have to go straight to the cops with this one.
Legally, yes, but a number of us, Gareth, Angela, myself,
will probably spend the rest of our fucking lives in prison.
Oh, yeah, and what’d be the downside for me?
Your government would fall tomorrow,
and you'd be the shortest serving Prime Minister in this country’s history.
And what, you say Greene knows all about this?
I don't know what Greene knows.
And what, he’s facing an open trial?
I don't know how he’s going to get the evidence into it.
Oh, it’s Greene, you idiot!
He doesn't care if he gets it into evidence.
He’s just gonna put on his circus act and all the press’ll cover it.
[whispers] Papa.
-What the hell? -What?
Your hair.
Oh, this? Oh, just trying out a new look.
Miss.
Oh God, really? Really?
Really?
Is this really all it takes, Fuzz?
Fuzz, it’s a stupid wig and glasses.
You know that if I take these off, um, I'm not a different person.
I'm the exact same person that you said that you loved.
You know, I imagined this being much more satisfying.
The wig and the glasses.
I mean, you know people have their things. Obsessions.
-Oh, yeah, fetishes? -Whatever.
It’s just it’s not necessarily something you can control.
Fuzz, you can’t lecture me about fetishes.
Yeah, I know. I mean, you wrote all about them.
I mean, come on, Miss. Guys in closets wearing rubber gloves and catsuits. I'm--
Fuzz, I don't care how old she is.
I know I've done a lot of weird shit in a previous life.
You know what? Shocking as it may seem,
I feel like I've reached a point where
I want someone who just wants me.
Fuck.
So I've just been trying to do a deal with the DPP, right,
but the government wants my seat, so they want me out.
So I'm basically looking at three years in the slammer if I don’t do a deal,
but if I plead guilty, that’s the end of my political career,
so I'm basically fucked, mate. I am fucked.
And to say nothing of the fact that I'm about to lose a digit or two,
so Fuzzy, if you could possibly see your way clear, mate,
if you’ve got 90 lying around in a sock drawer somewhere,
now would be the time to whip it out.
Missy’s playing mind games with me.
Did you hear what I just said?
Mate, I've made this observation about your generation before, about listening.
She was wearing a wig.
-I rest my case. -It was silvery grey.
Fuck, mate,
well, silvery grey wig, you'd like that, wouldn’t you, with your special needs.
She had these glasses on. I always had a thing for women in glasses.
Oh, well, yeah, let’s just have a chat about that.
Let’s talk about that, as opposed to
the fact that your old man’s gonna end up back in the fuckin' clink again.
Sorry.
Dad, she knows I'm a Californian resident. She’s probably
-freezing my assets as we speak. -Freezing your assets?
Right. Okay.
So that’s-- And that’d be where any kind of potential
loany thing might be coming from.
Yep. It’s where the money is.
See, that’s no good.
I'm about to start shedding fingers.
All right, mate, I'll be back in a jiffy, okay?
-This has to stop. -What?
You can’t punish Fuzz.
-Oh, can’t punish Fuzz? -No.
On what basis would I not want to punish Fuzz?
Compassion.
-[chuckles] Compassion? -Come on.
Come on, I've shown you compassion, haven’t I,
over the last years or so, when you’ve needed it.
-Oh, Cleave. -Yeah?
I don't know if compassion has really been the mixer
in the cocktail of our relationship.
You cannot freeze his US assets.
That would be a disaster for him, for you, for Winny.
I mean, that would put her in a very vulnerable situation.
Freeze his US assets. I didn’t even think of that.
Well, good, because that’s a terrible idea.
That would give me a lot of bargaining power, wouldn’t it?
Just let’s turn the heat down on this whole...
And now he’s a resident of California,
the courts are very sympathetic to abandoned mothers.
Abandoned? Come on! This is the father of your beautiful daughter.
Where’s your humanity?
How much do you need from him?
Ninety.
-[scoffs] -Quickly.
Look, Cleave, I don't want to hurt him badly,
but I think it’s only fair that he feels some pain.
And I've already spoken to a hot-shot lawyer in San Francisco.
Oh, see that’s a terrible--
You don’t need some smartarse Friscan prick coming in here
and stealing 40% of your income. That’s a terrible idea.
We’re family. We sort this shit out tonight. Come on. What sort of a split are you after?
70-30 his way, current and future assets.
Four grand a week maintenance.
That’s for rent, clothing, schooling, holidays,
everything Winny needs until she’s 18.
Okay.
Can’t make any promises.
50-50 is what she’s after, mate.
-No. -50-50 on the assets.
Ten grand for Winny until she’s 25.
-Ten fucking grand? -That’s where we are.
Are you-- This is fuckin' bullshit.
-Well, it’s where she is, mate. -It’s bullshit, mate.
I can do better in California. I'll get a fucking team of lawyers.
-A fucking division of them. -You think you could--
And she’ll fuckin' pay me, mate.
-No, don’t talk like that. Listen, -Fuck!
there’s a chance it’s just an opening gambit, all right?
Oh, mate, I am finding this too stressful.
Yes, I can see that.
If you can sort this out tonight,
then I will look after you.
Yeah? Okay.
Well, that’s very kind, thank you.
Okay. What about we say something like
-70-30 your way on the assets. -Yup.
And something like
four grand for Winny a week until she finishes school.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, if you could-- Mate, if you could do that--
-I'll try. No promises. -Oh, fuck.
Okay, he has reluctantly accepted your terms.
I have prepared a short form memorandum of understanding.
Both copies are in with Fuzz as we speak.
You should sign them tonight
and I can get it into the proper legal sewer on your behalf, okay?
So I will be needing my 90 grand pretty much tomorrow,
and I would appreciate you backing me up on that as a term of the MOU.
Fine.
Good.
Hey, what’s going on?
Oh, just putting out another one of life’s little spot fires.
You're welcome.
[singing] Terry is a monkey And he's very funky
Does he have to parade around like a sex pest?
Can we get him a full length dress, do you think?
Bananas, bananas, let’s go bananas
Mate, nobody’s laughing.
You and me
-[Missy moaning] -What’s that?
Is that Fuzz and Missy?
[Fuzz moaning]
Oh, what’d you say to them?
What are they doing?
-Fuck off, Cleave. -Oh, are you done?
[Missy moans loudly]
[Fuzz grunts]
Oh come on, that’s-- It’s not a--
It’s not a barn, you know.
[Fuzz] Come.
Oh, that’s hilarious.
That's great, guys. Oh, I'm cacking myself.
-[Missy laughing] -Great. Really fun.
-Where are my memoranda of understanding? -Why?
Because it's your way of getting 90 grand? No. But that-- There was more to it than that.
Well what was it, Cleave, because we don’t want to sign it.
We think we can come to an agreement on our own terms,
in our own time, if we even have to.
We had a perfectly good, functioning divorce going,
and you two have just treated it with complete contempt.
Also, I never asked for a 50-50 split, Cleave.
It was a negotiation, guys.
Neither of you is a lawyer.
You were trying to shake us down.
That is... I wasn't asking for a gift from you.
I was trying to get a loan, okay,
from my own flesh and blood.
-Too much to ask-- -A loan to you is a gift, Cleave.
Wow. Well, that’s just lovely
and I'm glad you're both having a good laugh and you're all so happy.
Well, one thing’s for sure. You can say goodbye to this.
Cleave, this isn’t about you.
Yes it is. What do you mean, it’s not about me?
It’s as much about me as it is about you.
You just think it’s not about me because you think it’s just about you.
Stop it.
So what, are you gonna get married or something?
Yeah. We’re gonna have a big white wedding
and we’re going to have roses strewn down the aisle
and John Paul Young is hopefully going to sing Love Is In The Air
and there’s gonna be tulle everywhere, especially on the men.
Right, so that’s a no.
He is your son.
Mm-hmm.
But I am happy though.
-Really? -Yeah.
Scarily so.
Well, good. ‘Cause you deserve to be.
Yeah, I know I do.
Checkmate.
-What? No. -Mmm.
What, six moves?
[Wendy chuckling]
I'm very good at this game.
Yeah, well three games in 20 minutes, I can tell.
On our second date I played with Cleaver
and I thrashed him so badly that he refused to ever play me again.
[laughing]
Why does that not surprise me?
Do you want to play scrabble?
Well, that depends. How good are you at scrabble?
I'm even better at scrabble than I am at chess.
-Really? -Especially if it’s dirty scrabble.
Ah. You wanna play dirty scrabble.
Oh my God, if I get an F and a K
and I play it on a triple word, you are gone.
[laughs]
So, um, does that mean maybe tonight we will...
It’s been so nice kissing and fooling around and,
you know, but we’re not going to be a couple, David. You know that.
Yeah.
It’s just I've been looking after other people my whole life, you know.
I do it for a living and I...
I really need to look after myself.
And I can only do that on my own.
And I know, I know there is someone out there for you,
and she will be amazing.
And she will come out of nowhere,
and she won’t be a politician or a therapist or a callgirl
or a, you know, lawyer.
She’ll just be meant for you.
And sincerely, my wish for you is that you can just surrender to your life
and fuck off the instruction manual.
Well, me, too.
Evening.
-Couple of things... -Before you start
just let me tell you this.
You are an idiot for losing that woman. Do you know that?
-Oh, is that right, mate? -That’s right. Thanks for helping me out with that. That’s great.
Here’s a couple of things for you, okay?
If you're going to be spending any length of time in this house,
I would appreciate if you didn’t do it in Wendy’s nighties, okay?
‘Cause I find that a little offensive to mine eye, if you understand.
Exactly why did you give her up?
-Why did you-- -Mate, that’s my business!
-Was it for fun? -I'm a free spirit.
-You wouldn’t understand. -You know what?
A free spirit? Do you know what?
-If that is being you... -I'm like Bowie, or Marley.
...then I don't wanna be you.
Mate, you couldn’t be me if your fuckin' life depended on it.
-Look at you! -Look at me?
And then look at me, all right?
-That’s why you couldn’t be me. -Is that right?
Yeah. Regrettably, you are you.
-Do you know what you are? -You're a dirty ibis.
You're a human turd.
Mate, you're a fuckin' turd.
[grunts]
Get outta here! Oh, mate, I got a lot of this!
-Don’t start me! -I got a lot of this!
You’ve got your shirt... Yeah, you do have a lot more--
Turd! Turd! Turd!
[groans]
Are they really that delicate?
[groans] Oh, you're fucking kidding me.
Oh! Oh! Oh, God.
You know I really need a drink.
See, now you really sound like me.
So,
new Parliament House,
by which I mean the former Parliament House.
What?
You're on the Committee of Inquiry, aren’t you?
Yes, yeah.
How they gained access, whatever shit they used
but, you know, the science isn’t easy, so...
See, I think shit might be the operative word.
What do you mean?
Well, I have a feeling the whole thing might have been about poo.
-Poo. -Poo.
Why do you say that?
Well, you know, those two plumbers who died?
The ones who drowned?
They came to my place a while back and they did a bit of work.
And they were interesting guys, and we got to talking.
And they were sent in under the tarp,
and then a short time later... [clicking tongue]
Why have you sat on this?
Well, because they're dead now,
which puts us in a very tricky position in terms of evidence,
and because it’s me and nobody’s gonna believe me.
-That’s true. -And if I'm right,
I don't want to fuck it up. But that’s where you come in.
So your theory is that this was basically sloppy maintenance
made to look like a terrorist attack for political purposes.
-That’s the theory. -Christ.
My committee doesn't sit for another month.
Even then without witnesses,
I mean, we’re talking about two, possibly three, Prime Ministers lying.
-Mm-hmm. -Well, how do we get it out there?
Here’s the thing. I was thinking, my creche case.
-What’s the relevance? -Mate, it's me.
-You representing yourself? -Yes.
But I'm gonna need your back up.
Okay? And I've sought out a reliable old enemy
to represent Nicole and her Mum.
We are all children of someone, are we not?
Of lesser or greater gods?
As seven year olds, we all looked upon our futures assuming a rosy disposition.
Why should life turn grey and thorny?
One of the beauties of life is understanding myriad pricks
maintain a majestic, pink rose--
Ms Huntley-Brown, is there a point that your argument is searching for?
With the greatest respect, Your Honor,
there is a question of context, which I'm sure you would appreciate.
Not quiet yet, no.
Really? The concept of governments hiding the truth
is as ancient as the concept of government itself.
Your Honor, a shabby blue tarpaulin
has shrouded our national parliament for some months,
and that is not just a metaphor, that is a deceit!
Ms Huntley-Brown, what has that got to do
with a case about the misuse of public funds
regarding an office in Sydney?
I will see counsel in my chambers.
[attendant] All rise.
What the fuck is going on, Hunter?
I'll tell you what’s going on.
There’s a giant blue condom hanging over our parliament.
Forgive me, but I can’t see the connection.
If something horrible is happening to Parliament House, and it clearly is,
that is deeply regrettable.
But what has it got to do with this case?
Reggie, the government is trying to cover up its own negligence.
Their efforts to silence Senator Greene and Senator Potter’s Committee of Inquiry,
and their staff, is beyond sinister.
The dead plumbers.
Do you really believe that was an accident?
What?
I don't know how to express myself more clearly.
I do not want this argument going on!
It is irrelevant!
I'm going to have to excuse myself.
Very nice.
[sighs]
-Your Honor. -Senator.
-Oh, Senator. -Senator Potter.
Your Honor.
The passing of the Chief Justice is a great blow to us all.
Indeed.
Not sure if you're aware, Your Honor,
but Senator Potter here is a member of the Senate Judicial Advisory Committee
with the responsibility of advising the Attorney General
on judicial appointments.
You went to University with the Attorney, didn’t you?
Oh, well, I certainly did, yes.
Oh, just out of curiosity, has...
Has the Attorney indicated any replacement for the late Chief Justice?
Ah, no, but there is a short list.
Changing the subject completely,
I've prepared what might be described as an amicus brief
for Senator Greene.
Background information that were he allowed to tender
might prove useful in these proceedings.
I see.
Right.
And what about the matter of relevance?
-How do I deal with that? -Well, look, Your Honor,
in the unlikely event it should prove irrelevant,
you could always instruct the jury to disregard it.
Yeah, yeah, I could do that.
In the interests of justice.
-Your Honor. -Your Honor.
Your Honor, the attempts by this government to silence me and my staff
have reached such an egregious level
that they now want to lock us up for looking after children.
That is what government has become in this country.
If your enemies won’t shut up,
lock 'em up for pastoral care.
Quite frankly, Your Honor,
after repeated attempts on my life,
I feel quite lucky to be standing here.
Objection, Your Honor.
This is entirely irrelevant.
Overruled.
You may continue, Senator Greene.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Your Honor, there was no terrorist attack on Parliament House.
It was, quite simply, a matter of poor plumbing.
Holy fuckin' camoley! See, I told you he’d get it in.
We have to shut this trial down.
-Get the DPP to end it. -On what grounds?
On whatever grounds you can come up with. Martians have invaded. I don't give a shit.
That’s why he’s got the job, if he wants the job.
And the serious option?
Can we risk it?
Two plumbers are already dead.
[Cal] That had nothing to do with me.
We need to implode Parliament House.
[Cal] Implode? What?
Not on my watch.
Cal, at some point the tarp is gonna have to come off,
and some scientists who’ve been stripped of government funding
are going to go in there and quickly discover there was no act of terrorism,
just some dodgy fucking plumbing.
So we say,
that in order to preserve the water table, or whatever--
No, we say in order to preserve the city of Canberra,
that that Parliament House, built under Labor’s watch is so toxic
because of the terrorists, it has to come down.
And we get to build a new one.
Thousands of jobs, tada! I get to save Canberra
and build a new Parliament.
Yes, Prime Minister, you do.
Well, what about Greene? What about Potter? How do we shut them up?
Potter’ll shut up if we up the refugee budget by say,
I don't know, two hundred mill.
Two hundred mill? Christ!
Okay, okay, we can do that.
Greene?
We’re not thinking...
How can we? I mean, will any of us ever know sleep again if we do such a thing?
It’s either that
or we have to kill him.
Please, allow me.
Ah.
Thank you, mate.
Oh, God, shit!
Oh, mate, why did you--
Mate, I gave you a hundred grand from under my mattress!
Well, there’s still another 80.
But this will buy us more time with my people. I've got bandages.
Hey.
-Hey. -Um... I've got you a present.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Oh, it’s beautiful.
Oh, good. Um, I am--
I just, um...
You know, it was really important to me that I
acknowledge your resilience, you know,
and your tenacity
and our long, complicated history together.
And it is history, you know. And--
Oh, God, I haven’t done this for so long.
But I loved you very much, you know?
And we made a beautiful, complicated young man together.
And I just really want you to know that despite all the nonsense,
I don’t regret a minute of it.
That looks terrible.
No, it’s beautiful.
Hey.
Hey. [clicking tongue]
Gidday, mate.
-Hello puss. Oh. -[meowing]
[sniffs]
Princess!
[Cleaver laughing]
How?
See, I've been getting up early, mate,
and going searching
and she just ran straight into my arms.
I mean, she loves me.
You have a cudd-- You have a cuddle. I'll drive.
No, no, no, I'll drive.
Well, no, I'm happy to drive.
Hap... [sneezes]
Oh, mate.
Hey, Cleaver,
I'm thinking,
don't worry about the remaining 80 grand.
It’s forgiven.
All I really wanted was to have my Princess back.
Great. Thanks, mate. Good on ya.
I, Cleaver Augustus Greene,
do swear allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
her heirs and successors according to law,
that I will well and truly serve her and her successors
in the office of Chief Justice in the High Court of Australia.
And that I will do right to all manner of people according to law
without fear or favor,
affection or ill will.
So help me God.
It’s actually against the law to finger the Chief Justice’s robes in this way.
It’s not. It’s manmade, isn’t it?
-Hands off, okay? -[Nicole] Hey.
-Oh, yes. -Mmm.
Jesus Christ on a bicycle.
-Mmm. -Yes. Isn’t he just.
-There we go then. -Yes.
-Congratulations, Cleaver. -Oh, well, thank you mate.
You know I own your arse now.
Oh, Cal, you’ve always been a shit lawyer, haven’t you?
Because I'm Chief Justice,
so I own your arse.
[sneezes]
So what’s on the agenda today, Jakub?
Well, you have this case, Button and Deane.
I could walk you through it.
Is it a yes or a no?
Definitely a no.
Then there’s one involving my union,
and whether we have overexercised our rates in terms of sub-contracting.
That’s a no as well, I take it.
In terms of equity, yes, Mr Chief Justice.
But you're the Judge.
[explosion]
-Feel like a dip? -Okay, darling.
Madame.
-Oh my God. -Are you okay?
Cleave, no!
-Bluebottle! -Oh! Hey!
-Hey! -They love me!
Can we get a little bit of help over here?
It’s the Chief Justice of Australia, just so you know!
-They’re not coming off! -Well, can you just shake your face?
What, shut your face? Why?
Just shake your face!
Oh my God! Like there’s one almost in your ear!